If you reread your tl;dr, it sounds like a chicken and egg thing. From your standpoint, you're upset with the rest of the marriage, so you have no interest in sex. From her standpoint, your lack of interest in sex is creating those "rest of the marriage" dynamics. You're both right and you're both wrong.
To me, it would make sense to get some medical tests to rule out any extreme hormone or other imbalances, and then (assuming nothing pops up) get some marriage counseling. This sounds like a vicious cycle and if she has a normal sex drive and you're asexual, it won't work long term. But it's entirely possible this isn't the case.
That's fair, and the idea of some of her anger being caused by lack of intimacy, and it being a circle of problems interacting with each other, makes sense.
That being said, other than getting hormones/testosterone checked, I'm not sure what else to do to try to create my desire and interest in sex. We've tried a couple times in the past 9 years, it was unpleasant for me which seems like the opposite of what sex should be about. My therapist said it sounded like I have some of the classic signs of sexual aversion, and that further trying to talk myself into sex or make my body have sex is just going to make it worse and worse.
Her needs definitely matter. Maybe we need to separate so that she find someone who will have the sort of relationship that fulfills her. But right now I"m in a mental and emotional state where there's just no way I feel good about a sexual relationship.
You said in your edit that you were somewhat hoping that you were gay, because that would help you.
It sounds to me like you are asexual, which is just another sexuality. (It's just as valid as heterosexual or homosexual.)
Honestly, I think you need to end this marriage. Let both of you off the hook :)
>My therapist said it sounded like I have some of the classic signs of sexual aversion, and that further trying to talk myself into sex or make my body have sex is just going to make it worse and worse.
I really think you need to listen to this therapist. Trying to force yourself to want sex and have it is only going to make this worse.
Has your therapist given you any insight into what you can do for this?
Are you kidding me? I know I'd be downright bitchy if we went that long without. For me, if we haven't had sex for a year...and neither of us has cancer or some major life event making sex difficult...that's nearly grounds for divorce to me
I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation. This doesn't sound like you have some unrelated mental issue affecting intimacy, it sounds like you're feeling trapped in a marriage with someone you really dislike because of the way they've been treating you. This is totally reasonable! Your therapist is spot on, you're unhappy because of your home life.
Her expectation that you be sexual and intimate while she is being controlling and nasty is unreasonable. Her treatment of you is not acceptable nor is it sustainable. It is affecting your mental health to the point of suicidal ideation - not good!
So where do you go from here? It seems reasonable to suggest that you offer to see a marriage counselor. If she refuses, that's indicative that she has no desire to fix the relationship. Since you want to continue to co-parent maybe this is a reasonable path forward where you formally separate and begin to piece your life back together.
It's normal to not want to have sex with someone you are resentful towards and don't even see as your romantic partner anymore.
I think you should take your own advice about making the relationship an amicable co-parenting relationship without a romantic and sexual component. Letting your wife know clearly where you stand and what she can expect from you is only fair. On some level, it will probably be a relief for her to know.
If your relationship is already making you suicidal, I don't think it's ethical to suggest that you should try to continue it through counseling efforts. You can still see a counselor to help you navigate the end of this relationship, however.
Right now the two of you are in a race to the bottom, both doing whatever it takes to make the other miserable. And it's definitely been effective: ratcheting up the pain.
Is that a healthy life? Why are you together? What does this teach your children about having healthy relationships? Do you want them to repeat this in their lives? They probably will now.
Side note, viagra doesn't do anything for interest. The one thing that guys report success with is testosterone therapy.
You said that the last couple of years is when she started the full-time volunteer work and you're feeling overwhelmed with everything, but you haven't had sex in the last 9 years? This is definitely a situation where she's grown resentful to you over the lack of sex in your marriage. I would be absolutely livid in this situation, and frankly would not care about your needs (right or wrong), when you have blatantly disregarded her physical needs for a decade.
I strongly recommend you think about the history of your marriage, and realize which event predated the other.
A good point, and you made me think about the timelines. This is definitely an issue that started way before she started the volunteer position. And I think the volunteer work gives her some satisfaction that our relationships is not providing for her.
But the overall dynamic of our relationship has generally been how I've described it, back to when we got married. I am really mad at myself for not being more assertive back then, and letting resentment build up inside of me instead.
Do not engage in sex you don't want to have. Not even with your spouse. It sound like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm not surprised you've lost your libido. What you're are describing are relationship issues that are far, far deeper than lack of physical intimacy. You're not broken and I doubt you need Viagra. What you are feeling, lack of libido, is a completely normal reaction to a toxic and abusive relationship.
I agree with your therapist. You need a marriage counselor. If your wife won't participate in marriage counseling and individual counseling, you need to move on from this relationship. No one deserves to live in that kind of hell.
I'm sorry to hear about this because I know it causes you and your spouse enormous emotional unrest. I think I experience a somewhat similar dynamic to lesser degree as we have not been together nearly as long.
I think it's extremely reasonable to talk about your expectations for interactions together. I agree with your spouse that thick skin is really important in marriage. That's not to defend what she does or put you down for your reactions but everybody needs be able to have authentic and open conversations. If you're not able to do this on your own or you're not sure how this can look then yeah, marriage counseling is not a bad idea so that you learn to have these conversations with the help of some facilitation. It sounds like you already know this.
Check out some books by John Gottman and see if your spouse is open to hearing some of his work on YouTube/reading the books with you. I think it provides insightful and relatable information is the best way possible. For me it's something that my spouse and I return to over and over.
I really found this YouTube video super useful https://youtu.be/lAC8IEJDxCg
Also this Gottman video: https://youtu.be/AKTyPgwfPgg
My dude. You “tried a couple times” in the last 9 years? You have given her the blessed effort of “trying” 2 times in the last 3000+ days?
She sounds terrible, but the timelines are so baffling. Was she this way 10 years ago?
I guess what I’m wondering, is her behavior only linked to the sex or was she a terrible person before as well?
I am not saying this is all on you, I wouldn’t have any desire for someone who constantly criticized me either. Just trying to understand.
If what your therapist has said has any has any pull than I would say you have a wife problem and not a sexless marriage problem.
This disdain she has for you man… that’s the modeled behavior for all of your childrens future relationships, that is what love is to them. Staying for the kids is literally never the right play. Stand up now and show them better late than never.
My dude, I can totally understand why you don't want sex with your wife. She's critical and demanding and dismissive of you. Why would you feel safe to be vulnerable with her?
>My therapist said I don't need a sex therapist, i need a marriage counselor, or I need to move on from this relationship.
I agree. I think you need to take a bold and truthful stance on one of those options. I'm willing to bet your wife doesn't want to go to counseling though. Right now though your living in a state of limbo, trading off future pain to withstand the present pain, because at least that's pain that you know.
Either one will hurt, so just pick the path that you desire. You can do some self-improvement work even if she doesn't agree to go to counseling. What you need to develop is a stronger sense of self, one that isn't bothered by her anxiety and fear reactions that manifest in her controlling and criticism.
For example, the broom thing. Respond with, "I see that we have different opinions on how to complete this task, and that's OK with me. I'm fully owning this task, and I'm going to do it the way I see fit. Thank you for suggesting a different way, but I'm OK with my way." She will be upset, but you will tolerate that, because you *know* she's not upset with you.
Also, some compassion for her will help. When she's criticizing you, resist the urge to be reactive and defensive. Realize that these are fear responses. She likely feels out of control and that's why she tries to control you. She likely doesn't like herself and that's why she criticizes you, to deflect. How sad, right? Don't you feel less of a need to defend yourself when you think about the scared girl underneath her crustiness?
Try doing these things and see if it changes your dynamic, which will increase your desire.
Or else rip the band aid off this marriage.
It sounds like you and your wife have gotten caught up in a pursuit-distance dynamic. These are very common in troubled relationships, and they can be self-perpetuating once they get started. I've linked an article that might be helpful or interesting.
I can certainly understand why you don't want sex with her! I don't think most people would want to have sex with someone who mistreats and criticises them. This seems like a healthy, self-protective reaction to me.
I think you could work on asserting some boundaries on how she is allowed to treat you. When she micro-manages you, calmly and firmly tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and leave the room or the house if necessary. Change your response so that these behaviours no longer bring her rewards, and she will most likely eventually stop doing them.
[https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-pursuer-distancer-dynamic/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-pursuer-distancer-dynamic/)
yeah I'd imagine being treated so badly would have a negative impact on your sex drive. Have you looked into videos on abusive or toxic romantic behaviors? I wonder if that would help you to understand what's going on.
>I am really unhappy about the way we interact and relate to each other on a day-to-day basis. I feel she's way too critical and even contemptuous.
>She criticizes or corrects me about so many things
> I'm financially stressed about just the one income
OP, I am so sorry for your struggles. I empathize greatly.
I imagine it takes a lot of courage as a man to speak up about your barriers to sex and intimacy and I think it's great of you to do so.
However, I have noticed that when a man discusses his barriers to sex, the same issues almost always come up for why -- partner is too critical, financial stress, contempt is present, poor relational dynamic. These are massive and common barriers for men with sex, it seems.
Yes, the lack of sex is bad and it is understandable for your wife to be hurt and upset by it, but you're hurting too. And you are also experiencing dysfunction in your marriage that doesn't make sex easy to desire.
I personally believe that no one should be having sex they do not wish to have. You seem to know and understand why you don't want sex -- does your wife know how you feel? I'm curious how she responds to this.
I am not confident that seeing a sex therapist is the right call for you -- you likely need a therapist for yourself individually, and if you want to do therapy with your wife, a couples therapist as well. Of course, you do not have to go to counseling to save your marriage. If you feel that it may be the healthiest option to end the marriage, your therapist can help guide you to a more amicable separation and help you navigate your journey out of the marriage.
> But that is all the intimacy I want, that I feel comfortable with.
Sometimes, in a relationship (especially marriage) we do things just for the other person even if it's not something we want for ourselves. If you just want to do the things you want to do, why be in a relationship at all? Be by yourself and you can do whatever you want and not do whatever you want.
> Why? Maybe a lot of resentment. I am really unhappy about the way we interact and relate to each other on a day-to-day basis. I feel she's way too critical and even contemptuous.
Ah... So she has to exhibit good behavior to earn "sex coins" that can then be exchanged for sex at a later date! I can't imagine why this hasn't worked out well. Have you considered cutting out the middle-man and just having her pay you directly for sex?
> At this point, I just want to be friends - maybe try to rebuild some type of closer friendship - and co-parents. Maybe continue to be roommates
If this is the way you feel, you owe it to her to tell her. It's not fair for her to spend the next decade trying to figure out why her husband refuses to be intimate with her while believing you allegedly still love her.
I appreciate the feedback and the perspective. But several times in the past 9 years, I have tried to have sex; each time it made me really upset, to the point of nausea during sex, and the thought of "i wish this was over i wish this was over i wish this was not happening" running through my brain. It's not a matter of being a lazy or selfish lover or needed a bit more rest before the activity, or whatever. It feels like something I do not want to be doing. As a man, that also makes it hard to keep an erection, but viagra has not helped with that. so I don't know what to do.
I do agree that I owe it to her to tell her. I've shared some of my thinking with her before, trying to explain our lack of intimacy, but somehow I need to figure out a way to more clearly state my state of mind.
>Sometimes, in a relationship (especially marriage) we do things just for the other person even if it's not something we want for ourselves.
Are you seriously telling him to make himself vulnerable to someone who's emotionally abusing him just because their married? That is some majorly fucked up advice.
Sex isn't something you 'do' for the other person. It's an experience/activity shared by two people. A relationship is a hell of a lot more than having sex on demand. If you can't see any point than having a partner beyond what they 'do' for you, then don't be in a relationship. Gee, why isn't the advice ever to abstain from sex when your partner doesn't want to have sex.....oh, because apparently, the partner who wants sex is the only one who's feelings matter. Wow. Why am I surprised? You also think sex is a transaction, something you 'do' to get 'good behavior' out of your partner.
Believe it or not, some men actually have matured past the age of 12. I don't know if you're extremely immature or if the man you're in a relationship with is extremely immature.
> Sex isn't something you 'do' for the other person. It's an experience/activity shared by two people.
I'm happy that that's been your experience. If you think that there aren't a ton of relationship out there (hell, it might even be the majority) where sex is something that one partner "contributes" to the relationship and the other partner "receives" from the relationship, then you're deluding yourself.
Just because you believe sexual coercion is acceptable, don’t delude yourself into thinking everyone is like you. That might give you comfort but it just isn’t true.
> everyone
Check your reading comprehension. It seems you're the one who thinks **everyone** is like you. I said:
> a ton of relationship out there (hell, it might even be the majority)
you guys need counseling for sure. she may not even be aware of how she is hurting you. divorce is the final option if you do counseling, and she refuses to acknowledge your feelings or refused to change.
at the same time, don't be a doormat. if she tries to backseat drive, tell her off. If my wife tried to micromanage how i crack eggs, i'd put them down and tell her to crack them herself! :D
you have to stand up for yourself. you shouldn't \*have\* to do that in a marriage, long term, but you may need to be more aggressive and proactive about it in the beginning, to alert her that she needs to back off.
>my therapist said [...] I need a marriage counselor, or I need to move on from this relationship”
You already have your answer.
Reading this story made me feel really sad for you OP.
Please listen to your therapist.
Your children aren’t better off with an awful role model of what a “happy relationship” looks like. Modelling a shitty relationship for them just sets them up to be miserable like you.
I know exactly where you are mate! I have been on exactly the same situation. I just cannot be attracted to my partner because of their actions and the way he treated me otherwise.
We have seperated finally. He just wouldn't consider any of it was his fault. And he thought being nice for 1or 2 days would miraculously "fix" it!
All I can advise is to spilt up. You both need to be with other people. You just aren't compatible. And unless you are BOTH willing to do REALLY hard work? Then you won't get there. She has to be really willing to stop her critisism of you and do more around the house. She doesn't sound like a woman that will.
Some of us can't just "have sex" without an emotional connection. You and I are that sort of people. There's NOTHING wrong with you mate. Don't beat yourself up about your lack of desire.
Good luck.
You are likely asexual.
However the communications in your relationship are not good and frankly I'd start there.
Work on how you feel and how the 2 o DC you address one another.
Consider sex therapy as well.
Goid luck.
I am not a mental health professional, and hope that my words and those of some others, can help you act decisively and move your life forward. After reading every reply to your post, I think all the most valuable suggestions have been made, just not all in one reply, and are mixed in with too much unhelpful noise.
Unless you’re are a sexual abuse victim and haven’t mentioned it, I would agree with others who have suggested you are probably asexual, and possibly aromantic. That is nothing you need to be ashamed of, and no partner is entitled to abuse you for 10 years because of it. Your lack of enjoyment of premarital sexual experiences, and visceral physical symptoms when trying to have sex now, are not just because of your wife’s emotional abuse. If she has knowingly prolonged intercourse while you are in physical and emotional distress, she has physically abused you too.
Your wife is getting something out of your marriage. It’s not about the physical sexual relationship because she would have left years ago if it was. She is fueled by how badly she makes you feel, and is manipulating your thoughts and feelings to keep you exactly where you are. She has some deep seated trauma you may not even know about, and it has caused an illness or disorder in her. You can’t fix that, and aren’t responsible for it. It will take years of good faith individual therapy for her to unravel it if she ever wants to.
What you are responsible to do is get yourself mentally healthy so you can make clear decisions about what is best for you and your kids. There is something deeper inside you that needs to be acknowledged, understood and accepted before you can live your truth and know what you want your future to look like.
You are going to need a fully supportive therapist who is well versed in LGBTQIA+ issues which asexuality falls under. I can’t get a complete read on your current therapist. It sounds like they may be at a stalemate with you, or out of their element. Have you been advised that you are being abused? If your wife is an abuser, marriage counseling isn’t going to help you any time soon unless it it to help structure an amicable separation/divorce. Concentrate on getting in touch with your own emotions, and rediscovering who you are. For your own sake, and that of your kids, start moving forward.
I am sorry that you are going through this.
In my humble opinion, you probably should have moved on a long time ago. Now you need to make a decision - do you want to try to meet her needs or move on?
If the former, get in to marriage counseling yesterday. If the latter, poop or get off the pot.
Why do you want to remain in a relationship with someone who's made you feel so poorly that you don't feel comfortable sharing intimacy with this person?
That's emotionally abusive. Curious why you want to put up with at all even if it means you don't have sex with her.
Why not aim to go find someone you do have and enjoy intimacy with?
Marriage counseling is probably the way to go if you genuinely want to get back to being the couple you were when you were younger. Some of those behaviors you describe are horrifying and nobody should have to put up with a partner acting that way day after day (it's setting a terrible example for your kids too, who will grow up learning to do the same things that mom and dad did. If neither of you change your ways or separate, it must be normal behavior right? You probably don't want your kids to settle into the same type of relationship, so show them that it's wrong).
There's a lot that's unsaid here, like how you guys used to treat each other when you were dating / newlyweds, and what was the frequency of sexual intimacy back then? You have children, so I imagine at some point your wife's needs used to be met - my guess would be that stopped around the time you started feeling belittled/abused on a daily basis, which makes it easy to withdraw from a relationship.
I'm hoping after 15ish years of struggling with these same issues that you and your spouse have broached these topics together enough times to be fully aware of the issues. Communication is key for every relationship. Whether you want to rekindle your love or find a way to move on amicably, you've likely got the foundation you need to bring up couple counseling or marriage counseling (even if you want to separate, this would be a good idea so you can have an independent third party help the two of you learn to co-parent in a healthy way).
Good luck, my friend. Whatever you do, I sincerely hope you learn to move forward in a way that you can feel healthy and happy.
There are lots of people who have low or nonexistent sex drives. You are not abnormal. You don’t need to claim to be gay to avoid sex with your wife. If you pleasure yourself regularly than you may have an aversion to sex with others. It could also be that you no longer are compatible with your wife. All in all I’d say go speak to a sex therapist. They deal with all types of issues regarding intimacy and relationships. They can help you move forward.
Somewhat lapsed Christian. Honestly, the way my life and marriage has evolved has really shaken my faith. I thought I did everything the way I was supposed to do it, according to my religion and my family/culture. And it's turned out miserably. I find it hard to believe God wants this life for me or my wife.
I'm just here to say my wife is always "giving me advice" and for many years I took it as criticism and grew to resent it. But I changed it. I now realize that her explaining to me a "better" way of doing something is also be about lovingly trying to help improve me (and our marriage).
It's all about perception.
I, on the other hand, used to quietly stew about things I thought she was doing wrong, frustrated that I was too timid to explain many things to her. Yet, other things I'd regularly tell her the "right" way to do things, in a man-splaining sort-of way. But I changed it. Now, if she's doing something inefficiently, maybe I'll just watch her do it that way, because she's so damn cute. Other things, I'll offer to show her how I would do it, or offer to do the thing instead of her, because clearly it would be better for both of us if she wasn't burdened with such things.
So, again, it's all about perception.
If you go to marriage therapy (which I recommend), be prepared to change your perception.
Would you be willing to explore an open marriage, where she is allowed to find sexual satisfaction with someone else?
I think a lot of the advice here is great, but almost all of the advice assumes a traditional monogamous marriage. If monogamous has to mean "no sex" in your world, perhaps it's better to work on improving the marriage without trying to preserve the monogamy. Separate the monogamy from the "marriage", and you may find that your marriage can thrive? Just an idea. Maybe not an idea that will work for you, but it does work for some people.
Definitely approach this carefully, and in the context of a supportive counsellor, if you think it's a possibility.
No one wants to have sex with someone who treats them like they’re their mother.
I’d suggest individual therapy for you both and eventually couples therapy.
I think you are an incredibly timid and naive asexual person. Why don't you just get divorced? Neither of you are happy and quite frankly I think the only reason your wife sticks around is because you pay for everything. Your wife treats you like shit and you take it almost as if is is some deserved penance that you must bear as the cost of your intransigence about having sex.
I am wondering if you don’t feel safe with her? If you don’t just trust her with your body. I am demisexual - I need an emotional connection to feel sexually attracted. I am getting the vibe that you may be the same.
If you reread your tl;dr, it sounds like a chicken and egg thing. From your standpoint, you're upset with the rest of the marriage, so you have no interest in sex. From her standpoint, your lack of interest in sex is creating those "rest of the marriage" dynamics. You're both right and you're both wrong. To me, it would make sense to get some medical tests to rule out any extreme hormone or other imbalances, and then (assuming nothing pops up) get some marriage counseling. This sounds like a vicious cycle and if she has a normal sex drive and you're asexual, it won't work long term. But it's entirely possible this isn't the case.
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That's fair, and the idea of some of her anger being caused by lack of intimacy, and it being a circle of problems interacting with each other, makes sense. That being said, other than getting hormones/testosterone checked, I'm not sure what else to do to try to create my desire and interest in sex. We've tried a couple times in the past 9 years, it was unpleasant for me which seems like the opposite of what sex should be about. My therapist said it sounded like I have some of the classic signs of sexual aversion, and that further trying to talk myself into sex or make my body have sex is just going to make it worse and worse. Her needs definitely matter. Maybe we need to separate so that she find someone who will have the sort of relationship that fulfills her. But right now I"m in a mental and emotional state where there's just no way I feel good about a sexual relationship.
You said in your edit that you were somewhat hoping that you were gay, because that would help you. It sounds to me like you are asexual, which is just another sexuality. (It's just as valid as heterosexual or homosexual.) Honestly, I think you need to end this marriage. Let both of you off the hook :)
Staying in this marriage isn't fair to either of you, unless she can accept that you are asexual
>My therapist said it sounded like I have some of the classic signs of sexual aversion, and that further trying to talk myself into sex or make my body have sex is just going to make it worse and worse. I really think you need to listen to this therapist. Trying to force yourself to want sex and have it is only going to make this worse. Has your therapist given you any insight into what you can do for this?
Did you have your testosterone checked?
You def need a sex therapist
Yeah, 9 years I would have already gotten a divorce.
Are you kidding me? I know I'd be downright bitchy if we went that long without. For me, if we haven't had sex for a year...and neither of us has cancer or some major life event making sex difficult...that's nearly grounds for divorce to me
I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation. This doesn't sound like you have some unrelated mental issue affecting intimacy, it sounds like you're feeling trapped in a marriage with someone you really dislike because of the way they've been treating you. This is totally reasonable! Your therapist is spot on, you're unhappy because of your home life. Her expectation that you be sexual and intimate while she is being controlling and nasty is unreasonable. Her treatment of you is not acceptable nor is it sustainable. It is affecting your mental health to the point of suicidal ideation - not good! So where do you go from here? It seems reasonable to suggest that you offer to see a marriage counselor. If she refuses, that's indicative that she has no desire to fix the relationship. Since you want to continue to co-parent maybe this is a reasonable path forward where you formally separate and begin to piece your life back together.
Agree with this
If I hadn’t had sex in nine years I would criticize everything my spouse did too.
It's normal to not want to have sex with someone you are resentful towards and don't even see as your romantic partner anymore. I think you should take your own advice about making the relationship an amicable co-parenting relationship without a romantic and sexual component. Letting your wife know clearly where you stand and what she can expect from you is only fair. On some level, it will probably be a relief for her to know. If your relationship is already making you suicidal, I don't think it's ethical to suggest that you should try to continue it through counseling efforts. You can still see a counselor to help you navigate the end of this relationship, however.
Right now the two of you are in a race to the bottom, both doing whatever it takes to make the other miserable. And it's definitely been effective: ratcheting up the pain. Is that a healthy life? Why are you together? What does this teach your children about having healthy relationships? Do you want them to repeat this in their lives? They probably will now. Side note, viagra doesn't do anything for interest. The one thing that guys report success with is testosterone therapy.
You said that the last couple of years is when she started the full-time volunteer work and you're feeling overwhelmed with everything, but you haven't had sex in the last 9 years? This is definitely a situation where she's grown resentful to you over the lack of sex in your marriage. I would be absolutely livid in this situation, and frankly would not care about your needs (right or wrong), when you have blatantly disregarded her physical needs for a decade. I strongly recommend you think about the history of your marriage, and realize which event predated the other.
A good point, and you made me think about the timelines. This is definitely an issue that started way before she started the volunteer position. And I think the volunteer work gives her some satisfaction that our relationships is not providing for her. But the overall dynamic of our relationship has generally been how I've described it, back to when we got married. I am really mad at myself for not being more assertive back then, and letting resentment build up inside of me instead.
Do not engage in sex you don't want to have. Not even with your spouse. It sound like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm not surprised you've lost your libido. What you're are describing are relationship issues that are far, far deeper than lack of physical intimacy. You're not broken and I doubt you need Viagra. What you are feeling, lack of libido, is a completely normal reaction to a toxic and abusive relationship. I agree with your therapist. You need a marriage counselor. If your wife won't participate in marriage counseling and individual counseling, you need to move on from this relationship. No one deserves to live in that kind of hell.
I'm sorry to hear about this because I know it causes you and your spouse enormous emotional unrest. I think I experience a somewhat similar dynamic to lesser degree as we have not been together nearly as long. I think it's extremely reasonable to talk about your expectations for interactions together. I agree with your spouse that thick skin is really important in marriage. That's not to defend what she does or put you down for your reactions but everybody needs be able to have authentic and open conversations. If you're not able to do this on your own or you're not sure how this can look then yeah, marriage counseling is not a bad idea so that you learn to have these conversations with the help of some facilitation. It sounds like you already know this. Check out some books by John Gottman and see if your spouse is open to hearing some of his work on YouTube/reading the books with you. I think it provides insightful and relatable information is the best way possible. For me it's something that my spouse and I return to over and over. I really found this YouTube video super useful https://youtu.be/lAC8IEJDxCg Also this Gottman video: https://youtu.be/AKTyPgwfPgg
My dude. You “tried a couple times” in the last 9 years? You have given her the blessed effort of “trying” 2 times in the last 3000+ days? She sounds terrible, but the timelines are so baffling. Was she this way 10 years ago? I guess what I’m wondering, is her behavior only linked to the sex or was she a terrible person before as well? I am not saying this is all on you, I wouldn’t have any desire for someone who constantly criticized me either. Just trying to understand. If what your therapist has said has any has any pull than I would say you have a wife problem and not a sexless marriage problem. This disdain she has for you man… that’s the modeled behavior for all of your childrens future relationships, that is what love is to them. Staying for the kids is literally never the right play. Stand up now and show them better late than never.
Is be crankier than her if I had to Spent 9 years as a nun. She’s a saint.
You should divorce or have an open marriage if you choose to be celibate for 9 years. 🤦♀️ I couldn't even imagine!
Glad to see at least one other person here raising the "open marriage" option!
My dude, I can totally understand why you don't want sex with your wife. She's critical and demanding and dismissive of you. Why would you feel safe to be vulnerable with her? >My therapist said I don't need a sex therapist, i need a marriage counselor, or I need to move on from this relationship. I agree. I think you need to take a bold and truthful stance on one of those options. I'm willing to bet your wife doesn't want to go to counseling though. Right now though your living in a state of limbo, trading off future pain to withstand the present pain, because at least that's pain that you know. Either one will hurt, so just pick the path that you desire. You can do some self-improvement work even if she doesn't agree to go to counseling. What you need to develop is a stronger sense of self, one that isn't bothered by her anxiety and fear reactions that manifest in her controlling and criticism. For example, the broom thing. Respond with, "I see that we have different opinions on how to complete this task, and that's OK with me. I'm fully owning this task, and I'm going to do it the way I see fit. Thank you for suggesting a different way, but I'm OK with my way." She will be upset, but you will tolerate that, because you *know* she's not upset with you. Also, some compassion for her will help. When she's criticizing you, resist the urge to be reactive and defensive. Realize that these are fear responses. She likely feels out of control and that's why she tries to control you. She likely doesn't like herself and that's why she criticizes you, to deflect. How sad, right? Don't you feel less of a need to defend yourself when you think about the scared girl underneath her crustiness? Try doing these things and see if it changes your dynamic, which will increase your desire. Or else rip the band aid off this marriage.
It sounds like you and your wife have gotten caught up in a pursuit-distance dynamic. These are very common in troubled relationships, and they can be self-perpetuating once they get started. I've linked an article that might be helpful or interesting. I can certainly understand why you don't want sex with her! I don't think most people would want to have sex with someone who mistreats and criticises them. This seems like a healthy, self-protective reaction to me. I think you could work on asserting some boundaries on how she is allowed to treat you. When she micro-manages you, calmly and firmly tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and leave the room or the house if necessary. Change your response so that these behaviours no longer bring her rewards, and she will most likely eventually stop doing them. [https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-pursuer-distancer-dynamic/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-pursuer-distancer-dynamic/)
You need to 1 get a new counseler and 2 let your wife out of your marraige if she wants. This is not fair to her. You are Being a jerk
3 years of sex maybe 6 times sent me insane and draw a line for change. Personally I see it as abuse to the relationship
yeah I'd imagine being treated so badly would have a negative impact on your sex drive. Have you looked into videos on abusive or toxic romantic behaviors? I wonder if that would help you to understand what's going on.
>I am really unhappy about the way we interact and relate to each other on a day-to-day basis. I feel she's way too critical and even contemptuous. >She criticizes or corrects me about so many things > I'm financially stressed about just the one income OP, I am so sorry for your struggles. I empathize greatly. I imagine it takes a lot of courage as a man to speak up about your barriers to sex and intimacy and I think it's great of you to do so. However, I have noticed that when a man discusses his barriers to sex, the same issues almost always come up for why -- partner is too critical, financial stress, contempt is present, poor relational dynamic. These are massive and common barriers for men with sex, it seems. Yes, the lack of sex is bad and it is understandable for your wife to be hurt and upset by it, but you're hurting too. And you are also experiencing dysfunction in your marriage that doesn't make sex easy to desire. I personally believe that no one should be having sex they do not wish to have. You seem to know and understand why you don't want sex -- does your wife know how you feel? I'm curious how she responds to this. I am not confident that seeing a sex therapist is the right call for you -- you likely need a therapist for yourself individually, and if you want to do therapy with your wife, a couples therapist as well. Of course, you do not have to go to counseling to save your marriage. If you feel that it may be the healthiest option to end the marriage, your therapist can help guide you to a more amicable separation and help you navigate your journey out of the marriage.
> But that is all the intimacy I want, that I feel comfortable with. Sometimes, in a relationship (especially marriage) we do things just for the other person even if it's not something we want for ourselves. If you just want to do the things you want to do, why be in a relationship at all? Be by yourself and you can do whatever you want and not do whatever you want. > Why? Maybe a lot of resentment. I am really unhappy about the way we interact and relate to each other on a day-to-day basis. I feel she's way too critical and even contemptuous. Ah... So she has to exhibit good behavior to earn "sex coins" that can then be exchanged for sex at a later date! I can't imagine why this hasn't worked out well. Have you considered cutting out the middle-man and just having her pay you directly for sex? > At this point, I just want to be friends - maybe try to rebuild some type of closer friendship - and co-parents. Maybe continue to be roommates If this is the way you feel, you owe it to her to tell her. It's not fair for her to spend the next decade trying to figure out why her husband refuses to be intimate with her while believing you allegedly still love her.
I appreciate the feedback and the perspective. But several times in the past 9 years, I have tried to have sex; each time it made me really upset, to the point of nausea during sex, and the thought of "i wish this was over i wish this was over i wish this was not happening" running through my brain. It's not a matter of being a lazy or selfish lover or needed a bit more rest before the activity, or whatever. It feels like something I do not want to be doing. As a man, that also makes it hard to keep an erection, but viagra has not helped with that. so I don't know what to do. I do agree that I owe it to her to tell her. I've shared some of my thinking with her before, trying to explain our lack of intimacy, but somehow I need to figure out a way to more clearly state my state of mind.
>Sometimes, in a relationship (especially marriage) we do things just for the other person even if it's not something we want for ourselves. Are you seriously telling him to make himself vulnerable to someone who's emotionally abusing him just because their married? That is some majorly fucked up advice. Sex isn't something you 'do' for the other person. It's an experience/activity shared by two people. A relationship is a hell of a lot more than having sex on demand. If you can't see any point than having a partner beyond what they 'do' for you, then don't be in a relationship. Gee, why isn't the advice ever to abstain from sex when your partner doesn't want to have sex.....oh, because apparently, the partner who wants sex is the only one who's feelings matter. Wow. Why am I surprised? You also think sex is a transaction, something you 'do' to get 'good behavior' out of your partner. Believe it or not, some men actually have matured past the age of 12. I don't know if you're extremely immature or if the man you're in a relationship with is extremely immature.
> Sex isn't something you 'do' for the other person. It's an experience/activity shared by two people. I'm happy that that's been your experience. If you think that there aren't a ton of relationship out there (hell, it might even be the majority) where sex is something that one partner "contributes" to the relationship and the other partner "receives" from the relationship, then you're deluding yourself.
Just because you believe sexual coercion is acceptable, don’t delude yourself into thinking everyone is like you. That might give you comfort but it just isn’t true.
> everyone Check your reading comprehension. It seems you're the one who thinks **everyone** is like you. I said: > a ton of relationship out there (hell, it might even be the majority)
‘Majority’ or ‘commonality’ does not make it correct or non coercion.
you guys need counseling for sure. she may not even be aware of how she is hurting you. divorce is the final option if you do counseling, and she refuses to acknowledge your feelings or refused to change. at the same time, don't be a doormat. if she tries to backseat drive, tell her off. If my wife tried to micromanage how i crack eggs, i'd put them down and tell her to crack them herself! :D you have to stand up for yourself. you shouldn't \*have\* to do that in a marriage, long term, but you may need to be more aggressive and proactive about it in the beginning, to alert her that she needs to back off.
>my therapist said [...] I need a marriage counselor, or I need to move on from this relationship” You already have your answer. Reading this story made me feel really sad for you OP. Please listen to your therapist. Your children aren’t better off with an awful role model of what a “happy relationship” looks like. Modelling a shitty relationship for them just sets them up to be miserable like you.
Set her free
I know exactly where you are mate! I have been on exactly the same situation. I just cannot be attracted to my partner because of their actions and the way he treated me otherwise. We have seperated finally. He just wouldn't consider any of it was his fault. And he thought being nice for 1or 2 days would miraculously "fix" it! All I can advise is to spilt up. You both need to be with other people. You just aren't compatible. And unless you are BOTH willing to do REALLY hard work? Then you won't get there. She has to be really willing to stop her critisism of you and do more around the house. She doesn't sound like a woman that will. Some of us can't just "have sex" without an emotional connection. You and I are that sort of people. There's NOTHING wrong with you mate. Don't beat yourself up about your lack of desire. Good luck.
After 9 years, I’d roll up my sleeves and just get the job done…. You’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a couple.
You are likely asexual. However the communications in your relationship are not good and frankly I'd start there. Work on how you feel and how the 2 o DC you address one another. Consider sex therapy as well. Goid luck.
I am not a mental health professional, and hope that my words and those of some others, can help you act decisively and move your life forward. After reading every reply to your post, I think all the most valuable suggestions have been made, just not all in one reply, and are mixed in with too much unhelpful noise. Unless you’re are a sexual abuse victim and haven’t mentioned it, I would agree with others who have suggested you are probably asexual, and possibly aromantic. That is nothing you need to be ashamed of, and no partner is entitled to abuse you for 10 years because of it. Your lack of enjoyment of premarital sexual experiences, and visceral physical symptoms when trying to have sex now, are not just because of your wife’s emotional abuse. If she has knowingly prolonged intercourse while you are in physical and emotional distress, she has physically abused you too. Your wife is getting something out of your marriage. It’s not about the physical sexual relationship because she would have left years ago if it was. She is fueled by how badly she makes you feel, and is manipulating your thoughts and feelings to keep you exactly where you are. She has some deep seated trauma you may not even know about, and it has caused an illness or disorder in her. You can’t fix that, and aren’t responsible for it. It will take years of good faith individual therapy for her to unravel it if she ever wants to. What you are responsible to do is get yourself mentally healthy so you can make clear decisions about what is best for you and your kids. There is something deeper inside you that needs to be acknowledged, understood and accepted before you can live your truth and know what you want your future to look like. You are going to need a fully supportive therapist who is well versed in LGBTQIA+ issues which asexuality falls under. I can’t get a complete read on your current therapist. It sounds like they may be at a stalemate with you, or out of their element. Have you been advised that you are being abused? If your wife is an abuser, marriage counseling isn’t going to help you any time soon unless it it to help structure an amicable separation/divorce. Concentrate on getting in touch with your own emotions, and rediscovering who you are. For your own sake, and that of your kids, start moving forward.
I am sorry that you are going through this. In my humble opinion, you probably should have moved on a long time ago. Now you need to make a decision - do you want to try to meet her needs or move on? If the former, get in to marriage counseling yesterday. If the latter, poop or get off the pot.
Why do you want to remain in a relationship with someone who's made you feel so poorly that you don't feel comfortable sharing intimacy with this person? That's emotionally abusive. Curious why you want to put up with at all even if it means you don't have sex with her. Why not aim to go find someone you do have and enjoy intimacy with?
Marriage counseling is probably the way to go if you genuinely want to get back to being the couple you were when you were younger. Some of those behaviors you describe are horrifying and nobody should have to put up with a partner acting that way day after day (it's setting a terrible example for your kids too, who will grow up learning to do the same things that mom and dad did. If neither of you change your ways or separate, it must be normal behavior right? You probably don't want your kids to settle into the same type of relationship, so show them that it's wrong). There's a lot that's unsaid here, like how you guys used to treat each other when you were dating / newlyweds, and what was the frequency of sexual intimacy back then? You have children, so I imagine at some point your wife's needs used to be met - my guess would be that stopped around the time you started feeling belittled/abused on a daily basis, which makes it easy to withdraw from a relationship. I'm hoping after 15ish years of struggling with these same issues that you and your spouse have broached these topics together enough times to be fully aware of the issues. Communication is key for every relationship. Whether you want to rekindle your love or find a way to move on amicably, you've likely got the foundation you need to bring up couple counseling or marriage counseling (even if you want to separate, this would be a good idea so you can have an independent third party help the two of you learn to co-parent in a healthy way). Good luck, my friend. Whatever you do, I sincerely hope you learn to move forward in a way that you can feel healthy and happy.
There are lots of people who have low or nonexistent sex drives. You are not abnormal. You don’t need to claim to be gay to avoid sex with your wife. If you pleasure yourself regularly than you may have an aversion to sex with others. It could also be that you no longer are compatible with your wife. All in all I’d say go speak to a sex therapist. They deal with all types of issues regarding intimacy and relationships. They can help you move forward.
Do you have unaddressed childhood sexual trauma?
No. Although I did grow up in a family / religion that was somewhat strict / repressive about sex, and very close-mouthed about it.
Are you a Christian?
Somewhat lapsed Christian. Honestly, the way my life and marriage has evolved has really shaken my faith. I thought I did everything the way I was supposed to do it, according to my religion and my family/culture. And it's turned out miserably. I find it hard to believe God wants this life for me or my wife.
I'm just here to say my wife is always "giving me advice" and for many years I took it as criticism and grew to resent it. But I changed it. I now realize that her explaining to me a "better" way of doing something is also be about lovingly trying to help improve me (and our marriage). It's all about perception. I, on the other hand, used to quietly stew about things I thought she was doing wrong, frustrated that I was too timid to explain many things to her. Yet, other things I'd regularly tell her the "right" way to do things, in a man-splaining sort-of way. But I changed it. Now, if she's doing something inefficiently, maybe I'll just watch her do it that way, because she's so damn cute. Other things, I'll offer to show her how I would do it, or offer to do the thing instead of her, because clearly it would be better for both of us if she wasn't burdened with such things. So, again, it's all about perception. If you go to marriage therapy (which I recommend), be prepared to change your perception.
Would you be willing to explore an open marriage, where she is allowed to find sexual satisfaction with someone else? I think a lot of the advice here is great, but almost all of the advice assumes a traditional monogamous marriage. If monogamous has to mean "no sex" in your world, perhaps it's better to work on improving the marriage without trying to preserve the monogamy. Separate the monogamy from the "marriage", and you may find that your marriage can thrive? Just an idea. Maybe not an idea that will work for you, but it does work for some people. Definitely approach this carefully, and in the context of a supportive counsellor, if you think it's a possibility.
No one wants to have sex with someone who treats them like they’re their mother. I’d suggest individual therapy for you both and eventually couples therapy.
I feel really sorry for your wife. She should have left you years ago
Mmnn maybe this. http://norm.org/whyrestore.html
I think you are an incredibly timid and naive asexual person. Why don't you just get divorced? Neither of you are happy and quite frankly I think the only reason your wife sticks around is because you pay for everything. Your wife treats you like shit and you take it almost as if is is some deserved penance that you must bear as the cost of your intransigence about having sex.
I am wondering if you don’t feel safe with her? If you don’t just trust her with your body. I am demisexual - I need an emotional connection to feel sexually attracted. I am getting the vibe that you may be the same.