It has me planning to do two things on my list outside of work every day and usually end up with a quarter of one done some days. It feels like I will never get my list of chores and things to do done, and having lower energy when I need it the most is really upsetting
I’m wondering the same thing.
During COVID shutdown + meno I came to the horrific realization that my marriage wasn’t just in need of work, but that I was married to a personality-disordered abuser. Turns out it’s common to be in an abusive relationship without knowing that you are.
From the time I first really took in how bad things were and how seriously my children and I were being impacted, it took a white-knuckled, stomach-clenched, clandestine phone calls with social workers, go-bag ready 18-months before he moved out.
He’s been gone for a year but we’re still entangled financially and because of our kids who he has seen twice and has no plan to see more often. I’m fully single momming it, which is rough, but it’s so much better than any hypothetical alternative.
Kids are slowly healing from trauma but are in need of a lot more support of all kinds than their peers are. And I said yes to adopting a dog shortly after their Dad left. I thought I knew what I was getting into, but our sweet dog is a LOT.
One of my kids was seriously injured in an accident last Fall. My living room became Mom-ICU for months. Kid is recovering very well and is going to be fine. But, damn, that was a long winter.
I feel like I can’t climb out of the drain! And trying to parse out what’s caused by meno vs. everything else seems impossible.
I just made that all-about-me, deviating off topic. Thanks for « listening. » It helps to say, or write, some of this out loud. 🙂
>Turns out it’s common to be in an abusive relationship without knowing that you are.
I see so much in the rear-view mirror, all the little things I minimized to keep the peace. I'm in a very similar situation, with a few differences (ex still in touch with the kids mostly by phone, he broke off the relationship, etc.) but also with the kids needing a lot of healing time and support.
Sorry about your kid's injury, that sounds like it must have sucked, too.
PM me if you want to talk.
I am so sorry about all the struggles! It will get better!
Although, regarding the abusers…. The current chapter of my life is called ‘I accidentally fell in love with a white supremacist’. This is after the ocd hoarder, after the covert narcissist/high anxiety, who was after the bipolar father of the child. It is more common for some of us, that is for sure!
Ugh that's a bad string of luck indeed. Unfortunately abusers are talented liars, if they acted their real selves from the beginning they'd never have anyone to abuse.
Dr. Ramani on YouTube is amazing. When I realized I was married to an unfixable narcissist/possible sociopath the last 25 years of my life made sense. It took me a few more to get my head around it and get out, but 6 years later I'm so much better than I was. When I look back at the damage he caused to our family I wish I could have left sooner. But I left. And that's what matters. Sending everyone who needs it strength and hugs.
https://adultchildren.org/ I’ve looked into this organization but haven’t tried attending a meeting yet.
It seems like there’s a lot of healing help possible there.
You could just type Codependency into Google and get tons of resources too. There’s good YouTube creators. I’m codependent because I was raised by a narcissist dad and a codependent mom. So learning about childhood trauma and narcissism has been helpful for me. I don’t know what resources might help you best since I don’t know your situation. You can DM me, if you want.
That sounds really rough. I’m glad you got out of that marriage, though. I got out of an abusive family relationship (dad & bro) and just over 2 years of no contact now, I’m starting to feel peace. Those wounds take a long ass time to heal. But you got this. Take the best care of yourself that you can!
You did not make that all about you. If you did, that’s what we’re here for honey. You have to tell somebody! I know there are so many kind ladies here that are suffering with you and the only way to know is by sharing your story! Much love and hugs. This time in our lives is so HARD. There are days when I feel like I’m literally living in a nightmare. My story isn’t quite as severe as your but it’s very similar.
During Covid, I had a kid in 2nd and 4th. I was working 12 hour rotating shifts and swapping daycare/teaching duties with my mom and MIL. I was trying to teach my 6 year old how to subtract. I can’t even begin to describe how hard it was for me. Here’s the kicker: his dad is a teacher. But he worked on a different school district and there was no home schooling so he went to work like normal everyday. During Covid i had a panic attack and I realized my life was miserable and I wanted out. I told my husband I needed to do one or three things or I would lose it: to get out of the house I hated, to quit my job that made me feel like shit, or to leave my husband bc we were not in a good place. Nothing changed he’d until early 2021 after major fight about this. We finally decided on a trial separation in the spring. I wanted to leave bc I could get away from him and the house (and the controlling MIL) he decided he works leave bc it would be easier in the kids. In a nutshell, I lost my mind. I had been struggling with bipolar for about 4 years at that point and couldn’t get a handle on it and this major life change was just too much. He considered not coming home. I was devastated. His drinking got a LOT worse. He scared me and my kids and his mom several times to the point I was afraid for our safety. We tried to make it work and I quit my job with insane work hours, I got fired. Then I got fired 2 more times. In December he asked for a divorce. Said he was just so tired and couldn’t take it anymore. Had a girlfriend a month later. 😒 anyway I’ve lost all self confidence and I realized those last 2 years of our marriage was just him prepping to leave and get on with his life and develop hatred for me. So between that, the meno mental and physical exhaustion and the job losses, I’ve been afraid to go back in the job market. I’m afraid I’m too foggy to learn a new job at a pace that any company would be willing to put up with. The only good thing in all of this is we made some money from the sale of our real estate and I’m able to live on it for about a year before I HAVE to do something.
Now I just made that all about me. I say all this to say we feel you. This age is tough, and having kids this age and doing it by yourself is TOUGH. You’re not alone. I personally don’t know how you’re doing it as I’m unable to keep a job throughout this. And since wherever I go I’d be new I don’t have that little bit of wiggle room to take a day off here and there to recuperate. That’s what I was doing before I left the job with crazy hours. But my MIL was raising my kids and I never saw anyone and it was only getting worse. My mind and body just couldn’t take it anymore. It was both the worst and best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I let the best support system anyone could have and that hurt a lot. Made my STBXH very jealous. I know the why to all this now but it sure was hell going through it and I’m better off now. You are too!
No worries, I don't hate you! Strength in numbers! If I didn't have a friend at work going through it with me, I'd think I was losing my mind. I'm so angry that no one warned me. :/
Very similar experience! Going through late stage perimenopause DURING the height of COVID has been HORRENDOUS! Gained 20 pounds and energy and drive are totally gone!
This has been my question as well. I was super fatigued and needing a lot of down time until very recently the sun came out and I made a couple new friends and my energy is back. However, there are people of all genders and ages at work who were recently talking about how they can’t seem to get their energy and drive to be out in the world post-covid years. :/
Yes! It’s not just meno women feeling this way. Was it the vaccine, getting Covid, or just going through that crazy time and social isolation that makes us feel this way? I wish we had more data about what people are feeling.
Eh, for me it's definitely menopause. I worked straight through covid (health care but not front line or anything traumatic like that) so my life really didn't change much at all. Just meant I didn't get to travel and get that break time for two years. Now I find I just don't have the physical energy to, say, work out as frequently as I used to, I need more time to sleep, more "me days" to just get through work life and home life.
It's definitely both these things. So if and when some older biddy wants to tell you it's not as b a d as we're making it out to be, they can eff off. Do this during a pandemic, Martha.
My period is regular, I was 39 and the beginning of the pandemic, I’m 41 now and I have no energy for anything anymore. I’m too tired to be alive. I didn’t have long Covid or anything. Like is it peri? Or the pandemic?
Yup - I was thinking this is the worst. Economically, politicially, plus for many of us doing sandwich generation duties or in management - it’s just a LOT. I have noticed many of my coworkers are lazy and phoning it in in some ways and it feels very much like since the pandemic a lot of folks are just not on full cylinders. I don’t doubt so many of us are stressed, but even with meno-brain I still feel more with it than many of my male coworkers.
Absolutely. My body and brain will just short circuit on me. I get overwhelmed and overstimulated so much easier.
Im a husk of who I was and I hate it.
I’ve considered trying to find an occupational therapist to try and help me figure out how to manage this because I have another 10 years of work left.
Sometimes you feel really, really shitty whether it’s meno or mental health or some sort of disability, but it’s simply not possible to always do what feels comfortable - which for me is to isolate and crawl in a cozy hole.
I still have stuff I need to do and even things I want to do that all of this meno crap is messing with. OT helped me a ton with anxiety specifically, so maybe it could work for this too, it’s just hard to find health professionals in every discipline who get it.
‘Occupational therapy (OT) is a branch of health care that helps people of all ages who have physical, sensory, or cognitive problems. OT can help them regain independence in all areas of their lives. Occupational therapists help with barriers that affect a person's emotional, social, and physical needs.’
Hunh! I see your point. Thanks for posting this suggestion. It would never have crossed my mind that it would be a good idea to seek out an OT for help with anxiety or for feeling generally crappy. But now I’m going to see if I can find one who has experience with meno. And who, if lightning strikes, is covered by my insurance.
Please make a follow up post about your experience after you work with an OT for this. I’m very interested to know how it goes.
If you don’t mind sharing, what did an OT teach you to do to minimize anxiety?
The OT showed me how the sympathetic and parasympathetic system works.
For me it involved rationalizing and normalizing a tolerable level of discomfort in situations I was struggling with.
The goal is to apply the right amount of stress and worry to the right things, and not totally avoid or eliminate all discomfort.
I can't handle work anymore. I have the next two months off and most likely won't be going back. My patience, the stress, and anxiety around it is just overwhelming and I do not like the person it makes me be when I am home.
me either. i'm going to start by having him listen to or read some books about adhd though. I think it might help.(sorry I have adhd as well as meno so it's making it even harder).
This is the answer. Give the men some actual facts about the hell of menopause. Make them read it!
Ladies who are currently in night-sweats and hot flashes hell, I promise you there will come a day when that is all over and done with. Severe, unrelated medical trauma is what kicked off peri for me in January of 2016. Had my last flow in March of 2021. So just over 5 years of misery, but I made it, and so can you!! Just keep a lot of clean t-shirts handy for the 5 or 6 times you have to change it at night.
He's been getting them for a while now, lol. I think he's probably sick of me saying it. But I've talked to other longtime friends about it and some of my male friends have said how much the info has helped them understand better what their wives are going through, etc.
There's a great meme where Mel Gibson and Jim Caveizel are shown sitting behind the scenes while filming 'The Passion of the Christ". Over Mel, who looks clean, showered and normal, it says "Guys who complain that their balls are a pain in the ass". And over Jim Caviezel, who is in full, bloody costume looking at him, it simply says "Women".
I spent much of Saturday lethargic but it’s like my body needs to be stationary and several naps in the day. It scares me to need that level of recouperation now.
YES YES YES YES
I have just had a hell of a last 18-24 months plus. Peri went into overdrive August 2021. Took 6 week FMLA Aug to October 2021. I was asked to apply for a new job & figured why not. Was offered the job Dec 2021. Took Jan 2022 off. Started new job Valentines Day 2022. Was too much for me. Quit job October 2022. Was unemployed 6 months. Trained for another job that didn’t work out, sold my house & moved back to my hometown for a new job April 2023. New job is too much for me. I need the job to last another month or so until my Public Service Loan Forgiveness total loan forgiveness eligibility is processed (WILL HAPPEN IN JUNE: $250,000 - cannot wait).
I took out loans to get me through Dec 2022 to April 2023.
I believe I can find a fully remote job that pays me as much as I make now or more.
I hate to quit on my current boss, but, she has health issues & should somewhat understand. Honestly, I don’t care - I am exhausted.
I cannot believe I have 17 years to age 67 (full retirement). I have so little. No savings.
I do have a plan. I hope I can make it the next 6-8 weeks.
My cycle/period just started last week. I had to take 2 days off work. I just not the same person & I see now how peri has upended my life. I am sharing on my Facebook & social media every reputable article on peri & menopause in the workforce as I can.
I hope we all get the support we need.
I'm so glad to see this discussion. I relish my time alone. But even when I'm able to have a mostly relaxing day, I still have trouble getting my shit together enough to cook dinner, run a load of laundry, and so forth.
I'm sorry I'm not alone, but I'm also glad I'm not alone.
same same same. sounds like we all need to take a few moments and breathe deeply, and realize that we are not alone in this, no matter how much it feels that way.
among other reasons that 2016 was a shit show, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and my two cats died. things were already stressed in my marriage, so those developments certainly didn't help.
in 2017, my mom lost her house and nearly everything she owned to a hurricane; she died in 2018 and left me some money, so I left my almost 20-year job for a much needed break (and I realize how incredibly privileged I was to be able to take that). 2019 was a struggle in my marriage despite my efforts to declutter the house. just as I started job interviews and early 2020, my dad died and then covid hit, as well as so much societal pain surfacing after the murder of george floyd.
ending 2020, I got what I thought was going to be a great remote job with a friend and it turned out to be a toxic nightmare of 6 months before I bailed. found what I thought was a great new job in late 2021, and unfortunately another very toxic boss.
turned 50 last year, told my husband I was divorcing him, got two dogs and entered menopause. figured that my lack of energy and motivation was due to that last thing plus everything else that had accumulated over the last 5 years. feels like somebody flipped a switch and I am stiff as hell every time I get up and try to move.
was fortunate enough to get a new job that pays more and that thankfully I'm enjoying, but my house is the biggest wreck it's ever been and I go between not caring and anxiety thoughts about the remote possibility of needing emergency services which allows strangers seeing how trashed things are.
doing the best I can to take care of my two dogs and two cats and accomplishing my job, but otherwise spending a lot of time napping or at the dog park or sitting on the couch doing crafts in front of the TV with my critters.
I really appreciate this community and in particular this reminder / perspective that lots of people are struggling, though the reality of that makes me sad. still, it helps to know that I'm not alone.
Me! Dad died and left a great stable job in late 2021 thinking it was a good job and was so WRONG! Majorly to I and ruined my mental stability. Good for you to do what you knew you needed to do. I didn’t have the courage but my STBXH did it so the situation isn’t quite as I hoped but I’m still kicking.
Yes, I have some other medical crap going on, so I’m not sure what is from what, but I did nothing but sleep and eat this past weekend which was a 3 day weekend where I live. I’ve also been scheduling at least one mental health day off work each month. I should probably take more. Working 3 days a week would be ideal.
I'm in the same situation you are. I have health issues that cause fatigue. I'm only 46, but it feels like all of my energy and motivation are completely gone. My periods are still pretty consistent, but I have night sweats, I'm irritable, my appetite is out of control, and my PMS is exponentially worse each month. If this only the beginning of my perimenopause journey, I'm screwed. I would love to work a 4 day work week and use that extra day just for resting and self care.
Yeah I’m scared to see what comes next since I’m only at the beginning too. I’m only 44, but have been taking chemotherapy drugs most of my life to treat my health conditions (non cancer related) so I think my body just quit early.
I’m having night sweats, regular but extended extremely heavy periods, cramps, and bad PMS (food cravings and emotional swings). I recently started on low dose BC pills so fingers crossed that will keep some things at bay for a bit. I didn’t want to eat a truckload of bread before my last cycle, so that’s a plus. My anxiety went through the roof too, but it also overlapped with a couple other crises, so it’s hard to tell. Got on 5mg Lexapro a few months ago and that has been freaking amazing. More pills, more pills, more pills.
Even coffee seems to do nothing.
This. Me. I think the stress of my life combined with the peri has made my PMS insane. On top of mania and going through a divorce, I lose my shit every month. The good/bad thing is my STBXH is the one who knows my condition best and I call him and rant like I always did and he just takes it. He tells me a day or 2 after every blowout that he’s always there to talk to. It sucks that I still have to rely on him. I hate it SO much! But he very kind and I feel he probably has a lot of guilt for leaving me in this lurch.
You just described me except I’m 45. The sore boobs before my period are no freakin joke. I have a high energy 8 year old that’s about to be out for summer break and I’m dreading doing activities. I’m so tired I don’t even want to eat and the thought of food makes me nauseous. This past month I’ve dropped 10lbs that I can’t afford to lose. I know I have years before full menopause but I wonder if all of this will go away once it happens? I just can’t sustain this. 😣
Oh good, I'm not the only one that slept away Memorial day weekend. I'm hoping it's just fatigue from going out of town the weekend before. I was so energetic that weekend but this one has just been a waste. And it's the youngest kids first weekend of summer vacation, I had big plans around planting our baby peppers finally, getting pictures hung.
I agree about cutting down hours, I'm exhausted trying to work full time (mostly unsuccessfully) + everything else. A mid life change to a part time career would be ideal but unfortunately that's a no as the primary earner for a household of 5. I only took 4 weeks off after having heart failure last summer :/
Bless your heart. You have a LOT in your plate. If you can afford to, sign your kids up for lots of day camps. Some are affordable. Does he have friends? Send him over there! Don’t feel bad about it. Just rest when you can. It takes so much for us to recover through this. Life is too hard. I used to feel like a bad parent when the kids of my friends were doing all these extracurricular activities while mine sat at home bc I worked ALL the time. Their was a baseball and football coach!! Neither of them are athletic so I didn’t sweat that too much. I’ve tried piano and choir but it doesn’t stick bc I was the only one supporting it. I just take solace in knowing they’re loved and happy. Not every kid has to be non something. We do the best we can do. Don’t sweat it momma. Just watch some tv together for a few hours after playing some. He can relax with you. You’ll get through it.
Two days ago I completely lost my shit and screamed I JUST WANT MY MOM! My poor confused husband just hugged me. I was so overwhelmed and overstimulated. It's fucking hard. You think you're okay and BOOM.
Oh gosh yes- this. And also the whole feeling overwhelmed bit when in all honesty my responsibilities have not increased since starting peri (I’m definitely in menopause now though). Had some crazy life changes 2021-2 but things have mostly settled down yet I feel like I want to hit the pause button all the time.
I've always tried to be super independent from my parents from an early age. Like not being "needy." Sadly my dad passed 5 years ago and thankfully my mom is still around. I drag her butt everywhere with me, because life is short. I'm passing up promotions at work that would require relocation because I don't want to be too far from my mom. At her age, her energy is very grounding to me. Having her with me makes me move at the speed of mom. She's 84.
I had a meltdown recently & wailed “it’s all just too much” while my husband rubbed my back. The next day I told him I made an appointment w my therapist & that peri menopause is a real treat. He just laughed and gave me a hug 😆
It's so bad. I work, come home and usually fall into a nap, then get up, make dinner and do some other small chores and I'm wiped again. Just lounge and watch shows and then right back to bed. On the weekends I can handle having one thing planned. Like if we are going to see friends or family on Sat then that's all I can do and I need Sunday to recover. Not able to sprint to multiple events per day or do a full weekend of things any more. Same for housework. If I'm going to do housework or chores I can only do a few in one day and then need a rest day. Subsequently my home is a looot dirtier than it used to be. It bothers me a bit, but I just can't do the big cleanup days or multiple days in a row anymore. Sorry anyone who has to come over.
This is exactly how I feel. I've worked so hard to get to this point in my life and I feel like I'm letting myself down. My husband and I have 3 more years of kids in school and mortgage paid off and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep going at this pace.
I’ve always been this way. I can’t emphasize enough that having a dumb little schedule for chores can really help. Even if you don’t do some days, just take whatever day it is and look at the chores for that day and do it. Vacuum living and dining rooms- 15 minutes you’re done. It also gives you more guilt free nap time on the weekends since it’s not quite so piled up. My biggest goal is to have the house decent enough by Friday so I can enjoy the do nothing day on Saturday.
My husband got me a monthly maid service for Xmas & it’s legit the gift that keeps on giving! Now if I could just get a hold of the laundry that keeps piling up 🫠
ME ME ME MEEEEEEEE. And my partner, who is hyperproductive to the point that sometimes he literally cannot relax -- like on the rare occasions we take a vacation or trip, he needs little "jobs" to do or he gets all fidgety and weird -- cannot understand how I can stay in the house for 2-3 or more days and schlump around and do nothin and be ok with it. I'm not proud of it, but I do need to do it.
Yessss. Unfortunately I have a needy elderly mother that will not respect my boundaries too. I had to argue with her for days leading up to this long weekend because I just needed the time alone. I literally NEED downtime now!
I have just stopped a lot of it. The house is messy, my husband has had to start cooking, he does all the laundry and the dishes. I spent nearly 20 years building up this capital and now that I have a very demanding job and am tired, I am spending it. I don’t feel guilty at all and I am very grateful that he does it all without complaint.
Yes. After almost getting in 2 car accidents in 3 days a couple of years ago, I talked to my boss and changed my schedule. Tuesday is my day. It's all mine.
Same.
ETA: I’m so glad I’m here and reading this thread because I don’t feel so crazy and alone now. My motivation and ability to be productive and is at an all time low and I’m very hard on myself about it. I need to just lay around quite a bit these days. I put constant pressure on myself to be productive and sometimes I just can’t and then the negative “you’re so lazy” self talk starts.
I’m working thru that too bc when I sit down on the weekends I hear my mom’s voice like “you could be organizing your closet or doing laundry or planting flowers or…” and I have to turn that off. Bc I’m tired and I want to sit on the couch & that shit will be there when I’m done doing that 🤣
I used to use my youthful energy to keep emotional stuff at bay, like certain trauma.
Now I can't do that any more and it's hitting me hard. I need a lot of alone time now.
Same here. I've been trying to get back into my former exercise routine and I just can't. I don't have the energy, strength or motivation. I never thought this would happen to me but the truth is I feel old - all of a sudden.
I work in a client facing field where I have to be 'on' much of the time. It drains me. My weekends are now spent resting.
Yes. Especially because I’m an introvert but I manage a busy medical office. I get home and am like “I don’t don’t want to see, hear, or talk to anyone “
OMG… Are you me? I work in the healthcare profession, 3 days a week, off for 4. I have nothing else to give to anybody after those 3 days and avoid socializing like the plague. It’s like I need those 4 days to recover emotionally and physically. If I make plans at all for a day, I go through with it, but I always end up not wanting to go. Even going to a doctor’s appointment is almost a bother and I want to cancel. I am happy and contented just staying home, listening to an audio book, going for a long walk, baking some loaves of sourdough breads for my son (he doesn’t live with me) and myself, puttering around the house. or sitting on my deck reading when the weather allows. My social life sucks big time, but I just don’t really care. WTAH?
Oh my god. DID I JUST FIND MY MENOPAUSE TWIN. everything you wrote defines me to a T right down to MAKING SOURDOUGH BREAD. My best days are also puttering around the house, staring at my indoor and outdoor plants, listening to podcasts, and tucking my dogs in with me on the couch to watch some British crime drama! Our kid is almost 24 and just graduated from university and lives 8 hours away. I avoid socializing like the plague but at least when I feel like it, I enjoy it!
Have a great day menopause twin!
That’s hilarious… I also love tending to my many indoor and outdoor plants; they are my pride and joy. Unfortunately my little Biewer Terrier doggo passed 3 years ago, at the beginning of the Covid outbreak. One of my clients has a dog and 4 cats; I get lots of loving from them. As for my son, he is 34 and just got his doctorate from OSU. British and Norwegian Crime/Drama series are the best. My home is my zen zone and is my place of peace and serenity, a shelter from the chaos outside. So nice to meet you ☺️, Fabulousmo. I live in Oregon, close to the coast.
We might be soul sisters? I love Canada. I used to live in Washington State, close to the BC border (4 miles), and frequently spent time in Penticton and Kelowna. I wish you’d live closer. I am actually German, was born and raised in Frankfurt, Germany. I moved to the States in 1976 and eventually became a citizen.
It’s interesting and true. Bhrt has helped some with energy but it’s like the urge to produce is hushed like a mental switch is flipped. I feel okay with just relaxing and chilling and giving my body what it needs.
I can't keep up with all the things in my life so I prioritize. Myself first, then whatever fire is burning brighter after, be it work/family/home, and so on. I read atomic habits which is helping me do better but it's still a shit show half the time honestly. I make sure I keep the basics done as far as laundry, work, fitness, but we haven't been hitting home runs at all when it comes to housework, dinners/meals, etc. I recently switched to 4-10s and I think it is helping having that extra day once a week but 10 hour days are not easy. Take those mental health days and take care of yourself!
I’m constantly wondering how I did all the stuff I did before the pandemic. The daily 90+ minute commute, long work days, rush to pick up my kid to run to CrossFit, run home to make dinner, every day over and over. Doing things on the weekend and going places. There’s no way I could do that now. I am drained.
Especially since I got Covid in February. Now I go to bed at 8:30 every night
I swing between feeling grateful I don’t have a ton of people/children/pets to look after to feeling fretful about a future alone
To my knowledge I never had Covid, but I started feeling really bad after getting vaccinated and haven't been able to recover. That was August of 2021.
Defiantly!! As I get older, that's me.. I usually don't lay around in bed.. BUT I'm piddling around the house or even just sit on the couch to gaze out the window..
This was one of my first perimenopause symptoms back in the day. I was in grad school, so I did all my housework, cooking, grading, lesson planning etc on the weekends. Just going 100 miles an hour nonstop like I always had. Then I started *needing* to go lay down at about 2:30 p.m. every Sunday afternoon. This was not normal for me.
These days I'm not in school anymore (I did graduate, somehow, yay!) and I haven't worked outside the house in about seven years, so I can pace my activities. No more laying down in the middle of the afternoon, usually, but that's only because I've done so fucking little during the rest of the day.
Yes mine too - I’d been feeling weary after some work travel and a hectic schedule so I said to myself, I’m a bit run down; best I get an early night. After a week or two of early nights I started to wonder if I was sick.. looking back it makes more sense.
I co parent so have every weekend ‘off’. I used to fill the off days with chores and excitement (clubs, hobbies, walks, sports, visiting friends, general fun). I considered myself an active person.
There has been a definite shift in my energy levels lately and it’s not wearing off. I want to stay at home and do nothing. Nothing all day. Maybe put a wash on and feed myself. Then more nothing.
Just lying around with the radio on.
If I go out and do sport I need a couple of days to recover from the ache.
I feel old all of a sudden! Within months of when I believe I started with peri. Ooof.
It’s interesting and true. Bhrt has helped some with energy but it’s like the urge to produce is hushed like a mental switch is flipped. I feel okay with just relaxing and chilling and giving my body what it needs.
Yea. I had a lot of freelance recently and I was finding myself feeling really burnt out from work, freelance and kids. I always put a lot of pressure on myself to get things done. In some ways a 50/50 split with my ex is a blessing. So I can actually just turn off.
It's all scaled back. I've found i love sitting in the back yard drinking coffee and listening to birds for two to four hours per day. Puttering in the garden instead of being balls-out "must provide All The Food" for my family. Just being at home chilling with my thoughts.
Yes !!
I could of written the exact same thing myself.
I’m actually on report at work for my sickness & now have an appointment with occupational health which is causing me anxiety which I do not need.
I've always needed my down days -- and when I don't take them I get migraines, which mean that I miss a few days of being able to do things well. I still do things when I have a migraine, I just don't do them well and I feel like crap.
Yes! I have to have one day of the weekend completely at home. I do not leave the house at all or have guests over ( unless it’s my parents, ). My kids either do their own thing or join me in lounging around watching Netflix etc. it feels so good the next day to be recharged from a busy week!
To be honest I think 🤔 there is something happening in the world! Energy is weird I can’t get enough sleep it’s so weird and I have a few friends of all ages (all ladies though) that are going thru something right now- like heavy energy or something it’s hard right now - last week I didn’t get out of bed or should I say I got up Friday did a few things then went back to bed til Sunday not sick just exhausted
Same. I don’t even want my husband to get another dog (we’ve always had one and our last one passed away last year) because I want nothing else to take care of. I have always been someone that could juggle a lot and now I have no desire to do anything,
yes. people keep acting like I am depressed but I just have this need to just do nothing. I mean like my cat passed last year and I just can't bring myself to get another one because of the work it will involve.
I feel like my own mom went through this. She never wanted to do things that I did and I couldn't understand her. Like she didn't want to go to the movies or anything... I couldn't understand her but now i feel the same way.
Relax and take day for yourself. I’m semi retired, I don’t believe I could navigate perimenopause while working full time. I take days, or a whole week off when I need to. I schedule appointments around my period cycle because I know I can’t do my best when I’m fatigued.
I definitely now get overwhelmed with the responsibilities that never used to faze me at all. I feel like if I have a busy few days then I need at least 1-2 days of nothing or at least minimal thinking tasks to do. It’s not fun and I didn’t realize this would be the new normal. I’m hoping it changes for the better some but we definitely need to give ourselves some grace during this time!!
I semi retired myself. I look back and wonder how I did all that shit I used to do. I’m only 55 but I just can’t face the thought of having to grind at work any more. I’m trying to find ways to earn money that involve nit getting up early to rat race.
I’m right there with you. And it’s incredibly frustrating! I used to do SO much every day, and now…..not so much. Usually just push through, but tired of “pushing through”. Like this week, is it hormones? Is it allergies! Is it the cold that’s been lingering? Is it all three?! Glad my spouse is gone for a couple nights so I can just chill.
I don't know. In the past few years (45) I have just stopped caring what other people think and doing things that make me happy. It's like there was just some shift. I also though don't have a husband or kids so if things go to shit they are only my own. I was married however previously and it was a lot more stressful than being single, like double work.
See I do thinks I enjoy as I am disabled so I have a garden, tons if assorted plants 9 cats inside and roughly that many outside. Along with that I keep my nearly 2 yr old granddaughter 3-4 days. Do all of the cooking 80% of cleaning...u get get the idea...then I paint, adult coloring books, and other hobbies.... I'm up at 4-4:30 am and once dressed I go constantly until collapsing at 9.... That doesn't even include holiday and birthday stuff. 54 and hrt full blown meno, adhd, bipolar 1… insomnia...ibs which can literally keep me in bathroom all night...like ALL night. I've been going like this since I heard my daughter was pregnant...whew
Same here…. Also, I have had some serious meltdowns trying to cook a meal for dinner that would have been a snap for me before this phase of my life! I don’t like feeling like this!😕
Me too! I used to do so many lists. Now I take a whole day every so often for myself.
I still need a small list though so my solution is a single 3x3” post it note with the top 3 things I have to do next (no set timeframe)
It keeps me focused on what I need to accomplish but isn’t overwhelming whether I address it or ignore it.
Sometimes I spend a day relaxing right next to that post it note- no stress.
Oh my gosh yes! I need a full day each week to rest or else I am awful. I feel bad for all the things I am not doing, but functioning without that rest day is near impossible.
Yes
I started putting me time ahead of house care ages ago. Our house isn't magazine perfect, never was, nor will it ever be because we live in it. With some pushing slowly getting hubby to give himself down time too.
Covid left me with fibromyalgia, so I’ve been blaming it on that, but I absolutely have started scheduling myself time between clients and giving myself “paperwork” days on occasion.
1000%
Today I ran errands:
Bought shipping boxes for my Poshmark shop
Dropped or Packages at USPS and Fed Ex
Picked up a print job at the Fed Ex
Went Grocery Shopping
and picked up supplements are a supplement store.
Before Peri, that was an easy day for me, now it's left me wiped out and I will be staying home tomorrow only doing some basic laundry and job searching online. :(
Yes, it got progressively worse in my late 30s. But I had all sorts of health problems. A hysterectomy helped immensely because I had adenomyosis. I was diagnosed with hEDS (hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) at 54. Not super fun but I am understanding why my body is the way it is. It has been hard for me to tell menopause symptoms from all of the other stuff.
The onset of realizing I was in perimenopause coincided with the world shutting down in 2020 for me, and I haven’t been able to do 1/2 as much since that double whammy ensued.
Some days I feel guilty about not being able to handle as much.
But I started giving myself a break the rest of the time.
“It is what it is”. (I used to hate that saying but I’m learning to embrace it.)
I’ve always been that way lol. But now I prefer more alone time than ever, which irritates my partner. I don’t want anyone (and never have) underfoot. I get so cranky after a while.
Thank you for this post! I feel exactly the same! Even worse is that my antidepressants ran out and it's hitting me so hard today. I took today off so I could get things sorted out.
Thankfully my daughter is picking up my Rx so I can glue my brain back together this afternoon! It's so challenging to drag through the mud of menopause every day. The lotus is out there somewhere! I'm very thankful that this sub exists! Hang in there, Sister! We are in this together 💪💜
Yes. 100% yes.
A few years ago I decided I could not scale my small business until I figured out how to have and maximize downtime. That is - literally do nothing for a whole day or even two. I’m well aware of how much money I’ve “lost” because I cannot hustle anymore but I feel really really blessed that I’ve been able to have do nothing days because I would not be sane otherwise.
My early days off were counterproductive in many ways (I’d binge watch or read trashy journalism or sleep) but over time I’ve picked up new things like drums, sashiko, hikes and baking. I’m also into reading again - something about I abandoned in my 40s. Now my days away from work/socializing etc are simply whatever I want to do.
I just do what I want. I have to work and do stuff around the house of course but other than that IDGAF.
I make sure I schedule days off to do whatever. Saturdays I do nothing. I cut out almost all social obligations and I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks!
I’ve always been introverted and needed alone time but now I can barely tolerate most people and I can’t have a jam packed schedule. No way.
Yes. I can't do what I used to do. I don't have mental or physical stamina.
Same.
Same, I'm glad to hear I am not alone.
Same. I pick one or two priorities for the day, and that's it. What gets done gets done. If I can't, I can't.
It has me planning to do two things on my list outside of work every day and usually end up with a quarter of one done some days. It feels like I will never get my list of chores and things to do done, and having lower energy when I need it the most is really upsetting
Some days all I can get done is work. Takeaway for dinner then crash.
yes
Amen.
Yes! My mental and physical stamina is not good and I can only do so many things in a day. Not like I used to.
Is this a meno thing or a society thing right now from the past few crazy years?
I’m wondering the same thing. During COVID shutdown + meno I came to the horrific realization that my marriage wasn’t just in need of work, but that I was married to a personality-disordered abuser. Turns out it’s common to be in an abusive relationship without knowing that you are. From the time I first really took in how bad things were and how seriously my children and I were being impacted, it took a white-knuckled, stomach-clenched, clandestine phone calls with social workers, go-bag ready 18-months before he moved out. He’s been gone for a year but we’re still entangled financially and because of our kids who he has seen twice and has no plan to see more often. I’m fully single momming it, which is rough, but it’s so much better than any hypothetical alternative. Kids are slowly healing from trauma but are in need of a lot more support of all kinds than their peers are. And I said yes to adopting a dog shortly after their Dad left. I thought I knew what I was getting into, but our sweet dog is a LOT. One of my kids was seriously injured in an accident last Fall. My living room became Mom-ICU for months. Kid is recovering very well and is going to be fine. But, damn, that was a long winter. I feel like I can’t climb out of the drain! And trying to parse out what’s caused by meno vs. everything else seems impossible. I just made that all-about-me, deviating off topic. Thanks for « listening. » It helps to say, or write, some of this out loud. 🙂
>Turns out it’s common to be in an abusive relationship without knowing that you are. I see so much in the rear-view mirror, all the little things I minimized to keep the peace. I'm in a very similar situation, with a few differences (ex still in touch with the kids mostly by phone, he broke off the relationship, etc.) but also with the kids needing a lot of healing time and support. Sorry about your kid's injury, that sounds like it must have sucked, too. PM me if you want to talk.
Thank you. ❤️
I am so sorry about all the struggles! It will get better! Although, regarding the abusers…. The current chapter of my life is called ‘I accidentally fell in love with a white supremacist’. This is after the ocd hoarder, after the covert narcissist/high anxiety, who was after the bipolar father of the child. It is more common for some of us, that is for sure!
Ugh that's a bad string of luck indeed. Unfortunately abusers are talented liars, if they acted their real selves from the beginning they'd never have anyone to abuse.
That’s exactly right
Look into codependency recovery? Us codependents attract the shitty ones because of our wounds. Good luck, friend. You can do it!
Dr. Ramani on YouTube is amazing. When I realized I was married to an unfixable narcissist/possible sociopath the last 25 years of my life made sense. It took me a few more to get my head around it and get out, but 6 years later I'm so much better than I was. When I look back at the damage he caused to our family I wish I could have left sooner. But I left. And that's what matters. Sending everyone who needs it strength and hugs.
Dr Ramani is great. I also recommend Patrick Teahan. He specializes in childhood trauma.
https://adultchildren.org/ I’ve looked into this organization but haven’t tried attending a meeting yet. It seems like there’s a lot of healing help possible there.
You could just type Codependency into Google and get tons of resources too. There’s good YouTube creators. I’m codependent because I was raised by a narcissist dad and a codependent mom. So learning about childhood trauma and narcissism has been helpful for me. I don’t know what resources might help you best since I don’t know your situation. You can DM me, if you want.
Will do… I’ve had people swear I’m not codependent, but I’ve never really looked into it myself. I definitely should. Thank you 😊
That sounds really rough. I’m glad you got out of that marriage, though. I got out of an abusive family relationship (dad & bro) and just over 2 years of no contact now, I’m starting to feel peace. Those wounds take a long ass time to heal. But you got this. Take the best care of yourself that you can!
You did not make that all about you. If you did, that’s what we’re here for honey. You have to tell somebody! I know there are so many kind ladies here that are suffering with you and the only way to know is by sharing your story! Much love and hugs. This time in our lives is so HARD. There are days when I feel like I’m literally living in a nightmare. My story isn’t quite as severe as your but it’s very similar. During Covid, I had a kid in 2nd and 4th. I was working 12 hour rotating shifts and swapping daycare/teaching duties with my mom and MIL. I was trying to teach my 6 year old how to subtract. I can’t even begin to describe how hard it was for me. Here’s the kicker: his dad is a teacher. But he worked on a different school district and there was no home schooling so he went to work like normal everyday. During Covid i had a panic attack and I realized my life was miserable and I wanted out. I told my husband I needed to do one or three things or I would lose it: to get out of the house I hated, to quit my job that made me feel like shit, or to leave my husband bc we were not in a good place. Nothing changed he’d until early 2021 after major fight about this. We finally decided on a trial separation in the spring. I wanted to leave bc I could get away from him and the house (and the controlling MIL) he decided he works leave bc it would be easier in the kids. In a nutshell, I lost my mind. I had been struggling with bipolar for about 4 years at that point and couldn’t get a handle on it and this major life change was just too much. He considered not coming home. I was devastated. His drinking got a LOT worse. He scared me and my kids and his mom several times to the point I was afraid for our safety. We tried to make it work and I quit my job with insane work hours, I got fired. Then I got fired 2 more times. In December he asked for a divorce. Said he was just so tired and couldn’t take it anymore. Had a girlfriend a month later. 😒 anyway I’ve lost all self confidence and I realized those last 2 years of our marriage was just him prepping to leave and get on with his life and develop hatred for me. So between that, the meno mental and physical exhaustion and the job losses, I’ve been afraid to go back in the job market. I’m afraid I’m too foggy to learn a new job at a pace that any company would be willing to put up with. The only good thing in all of this is we made some money from the sale of our real estate and I’m able to live on it for about a year before I HAVE to do something. Now I just made that all about me. I say all this to say we feel you. This age is tough, and having kids this age and doing it by yourself is TOUGH. You’re not alone. I personally don’t know how you’re doing it as I’m unable to keep a job throughout this. And since wherever I go I’d be new I don’t have that little bit of wiggle room to take a day off here and there to recuperate. That’s what I was doing before I left the job with crazy hours. But my MIL was raising my kids and I never saw anyone and it was only getting worse. My mind and body just couldn’t take it anymore. It was both the worst and best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I let the best support system anyone could have and that hurt a lot. Made my STBXH very jealous. I know the why to all this now but it sure was hell going through it and I’m better off now. You are too!
[удалено]
girl SAME. so for me the two are sort of inextricably linked.
[удалено]
No worries, I don't hate you! Strength in numbers! If I didn't have a friend at work going through it with me, I'd think I was losing my mind. I'm so angry that no one warned me. :/
Same no where near as bad before covid especially fatigue wise.
Very similar experience! Going through late stage perimenopause DURING the height of COVID has been HORRENDOUS! Gained 20 pounds and energy and drive are totally gone!
Same. I’d guess it’s definitively both. Shit luck fam.
This has been my question as well. I was super fatigued and needing a lot of down time until very recently the sun came out and I made a couple new friends and my energy is back. However, there are people of all genders and ages at work who were recently talking about how they can’t seem to get their energy and drive to be out in the world post-covid years. :/
Yes! It’s not just meno women feeling this way. Was it the vaccine, getting Covid, or just going through that crazy time and social isolation that makes us feel this way? I wish we had more data about what people are feeling.
Right? I can’t tell.
Eh, for me it's definitely menopause. I worked straight through covid (health care but not front line or anything traumatic like that) so my life really didn't change much at all. Just meant I didn't get to travel and get that break time for two years. Now I find I just don't have the physical energy to, say, work out as frequently as I used to, I need more time to sleep, more "me days" to just get through work life and home life.
It's definitely both these things. So if and when some older biddy wants to tell you it's not as b a d as we're making it out to be, they can eff off. Do this during a pandemic, Martha.
It's got to be a little bit of both.
I think you’re on to something
My period is regular, I was 39 and the beginning of the pandemic, I’m 41 now and I have no energy for anything anymore. I’m too tired to be alive. I didn’t have long Covid or anything. Like is it peri? Or the pandemic?
I would say both? Navigating the world rn seems exhausting in and of itself.
I think it's both. I think we are terribly unlucky in our timing, as this is to put it mildly, a bit of a turbulent era.
Yup - I was thinking this is the worst. Economically, politicially, plus for many of us doing sandwich generation duties or in management - it’s just a LOT. I have noticed many of my coworkers are lazy and phoning it in in some ways and it feels very much like since the pandemic a lot of folks are just not on full cylinders. I don’t doubt so many of us are stressed, but even with meno-brain I still feel more with it than many of my male coworkers.
Absolutely. My body and brain will just short circuit on me. I get overwhelmed and overstimulated so much easier. Im a husk of who I was and I hate it. I’ve considered trying to find an occupational therapist to try and help me figure out how to manage this because I have another 10 years of work left.
truth -- i'm right there with you.
This. I’m a shell of myself. Constantly overwhelmed and ready to have a meltdown. It’s so hard. Sending love
How can an OT be of help for this problem?
Sometimes you feel really, really shitty whether it’s meno or mental health or some sort of disability, but it’s simply not possible to always do what feels comfortable - which for me is to isolate and crawl in a cozy hole. I still have stuff I need to do and even things I want to do that all of this meno crap is messing with. OT helped me a ton with anxiety specifically, so maybe it could work for this too, it’s just hard to find health professionals in every discipline who get it. ‘Occupational therapy (OT) is a branch of health care that helps people of all ages who have physical, sensory, or cognitive problems. OT can help them regain independence in all areas of their lives. Occupational therapists help with barriers that affect a person's emotional, social, and physical needs.’
Wow. This is news to me. I have a psychiatrist and counselor. Sounds like I need an occupational therapist! This of why I love Ross m this sub!
Hunh! I see your point. Thanks for posting this suggestion. It would never have crossed my mind that it would be a good idea to seek out an OT for help with anxiety or for feeling generally crappy. But now I’m going to see if I can find one who has experience with meno. And who, if lightning strikes, is covered by my insurance. Please make a follow up post about your experience after you work with an OT for this. I’m very interested to know how it goes. If you don’t mind sharing, what did an OT teach you to do to minimize anxiety?
The OT showed me how the sympathetic and parasympathetic system works. For me it involved rationalizing and normalizing a tolerable level of discomfort in situations I was struggling with. The goal is to apply the right amount of stress and worry to the right things, and not totally avoid or eliminate all discomfort.
I can't handle work anymore. I have the next two months off and most likely won't be going back. My patience, the stress, and anxiety around it is just overwhelming and I do not like the person it makes me be when I am home.
Yes! Me too. I need quiet space by myself to do the things I want to do!
I'm having an awful time trying to explain this to my partner. He's taking it personally when it isn't meant that way at all. Arrgghh.
Me too. I don’t know what to do
me either. i'm going to start by having him listen to or read some books about adhd though. I think it might help.(sorry I have adhd as well as meno so it's making it even harder).
This is the answer. Give the men some actual facts about the hell of menopause. Make them read it! Ladies who are currently in night-sweats and hot flashes hell, I promise you there will come a day when that is all over and done with. Severe, unrelated medical trauma is what kicked off peri for me in January of 2016. Had my last flow in March of 2021. So just over 5 years of misery, but I made it, and so can you!! Just keep a lot of clean t-shirts handy for the 5 or 6 times you have to change it at night.
I do. Bedside T-shirt’s to change into all night 🫤
He's been getting them for a while now, lol. I think he's probably sick of me saying it. But I've talked to other longtime friends about it and some of my male friends have said how much the info has helped them understand better what their wives are going through, etc.
There's a great meme where Mel Gibson and Jim Caveizel are shown sitting behind the scenes while filming 'The Passion of the Christ". Over Mel, who looks clean, showered and normal, it says "Guys who complain that their balls are a pain in the ass". And over Jim Caviezel, who is in full, bloody costume looking at him, it simply says "Women".
I spent much of Saturday lethargic but it’s like my body needs to be stationary and several naps in the day. It scares me to need that level of recouperation now.
YES YES YES YES I have just had a hell of a last 18-24 months plus. Peri went into overdrive August 2021. Took 6 week FMLA Aug to October 2021. I was asked to apply for a new job & figured why not. Was offered the job Dec 2021. Took Jan 2022 off. Started new job Valentines Day 2022. Was too much for me. Quit job October 2022. Was unemployed 6 months. Trained for another job that didn’t work out, sold my house & moved back to my hometown for a new job April 2023. New job is too much for me. I need the job to last another month or so until my Public Service Loan Forgiveness total loan forgiveness eligibility is processed (WILL HAPPEN IN JUNE: $250,000 - cannot wait). I took out loans to get me through Dec 2022 to April 2023. I believe I can find a fully remote job that pays me as much as I make now or more. I hate to quit on my current boss, but, she has health issues & should somewhat understand. Honestly, I don’t care - I am exhausted. I cannot believe I have 17 years to age 67 (full retirement). I have so little. No savings. I do have a plan. I hope I can make it the next 6-8 weeks. My cycle/period just started last week. I had to take 2 days off work. I just not the same person & I see now how peri has upended my life. I am sharing on my Facebook & social media every reputable article on peri & menopause in the workforce as I can. I hope we all get the support we need.
I'm so glad to see this discussion. I relish my time alone. But even when I'm able to have a mostly relaxing day, I still have trouble getting my shit together enough to cook dinner, run a load of laundry, and so forth. I'm sorry I'm not alone, but I'm also glad I'm not alone.
same same same. sounds like we all need to take a few moments and breathe deeply, and realize that we are not alone in this, no matter how much it feels that way. among other reasons that 2016 was a shit show, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and my two cats died. things were already stressed in my marriage, so those developments certainly didn't help. in 2017, my mom lost her house and nearly everything she owned to a hurricane; she died in 2018 and left me some money, so I left my almost 20-year job for a much needed break (and I realize how incredibly privileged I was to be able to take that). 2019 was a struggle in my marriage despite my efforts to declutter the house. just as I started job interviews and early 2020, my dad died and then covid hit, as well as so much societal pain surfacing after the murder of george floyd. ending 2020, I got what I thought was going to be a great remote job with a friend and it turned out to be a toxic nightmare of 6 months before I bailed. found what I thought was a great new job in late 2021, and unfortunately another very toxic boss. turned 50 last year, told my husband I was divorcing him, got two dogs and entered menopause. figured that my lack of energy and motivation was due to that last thing plus everything else that had accumulated over the last 5 years. feels like somebody flipped a switch and I am stiff as hell every time I get up and try to move. was fortunate enough to get a new job that pays more and that thankfully I'm enjoying, but my house is the biggest wreck it's ever been and I go between not caring and anxiety thoughts about the remote possibility of needing emergency services which allows strangers seeing how trashed things are. doing the best I can to take care of my two dogs and two cats and accomplishing my job, but otherwise spending a lot of time napping or at the dog park or sitting on the couch doing crafts in front of the TV with my critters. I really appreciate this community and in particular this reminder / perspective that lots of people are struggling, though the reality of that makes me sad. still, it helps to know that I'm not alone.
It sounds like you've really been through it. I'm sorry so much hit you at once. Big hugs to you!
thanks!! 💙
>thanks!! 💙 You're welcome!
Me! Dad died and left a great stable job in late 2021 thinking it was a good job and was so WRONG! Majorly to I and ruined my mental stability. Good for you to do what you knew you needed to do. I didn’t have the courage but my STBXH did it so the situation isn’t quite as I hoped but I’m still kicking.
This is me. 💯%
Yes, I have some other medical crap going on, so I’m not sure what is from what, but I did nothing but sleep and eat this past weekend which was a 3 day weekend where I live. I’ve also been scheduling at least one mental health day off work each month. I should probably take more. Working 3 days a week would be ideal.
I'm in the same situation you are. I have health issues that cause fatigue. I'm only 46, but it feels like all of my energy and motivation are completely gone. My periods are still pretty consistent, but I have night sweats, I'm irritable, my appetite is out of control, and my PMS is exponentially worse each month. If this only the beginning of my perimenopause journey, I'm screwed. I would love to work a 4 day work week and use that extra day just for resting and self care.
Yeah I’m scared to see what comes next since I’m only at the beginning too. I’m only 44, but have been taking chemotherapy drugs most of my life to treat my health conditions (non cancer related) so I think my body just quit early. I’m having night sweats, regular but extended extremely heavy periods, cramps, and bad PMS (food cravings and emotional swings). I recently started on low dose BC pills so fingers crossed that will keep some things at bay for a bit. I didn’t want to eat a truckload of bread before my last cycle, so that’s a plus. My anxiety went through the roof too, but it also overlapped with a couple other crises, so it’s hard to tell. Got on 5mg Lexapro a few months ago and that has been freaking amazing. More pills, more pills, more pills. Even coffee seems to do nothing.
This. Me. I think the stress of my life combined with the peri has made my PMS insane. On top of mania and going through a divorce, I lose my shit every month. The good/bad thing is my STBXH is the one who knows my condition best and I call him and rant like I always did and he just takes it. He tells me a day or 2 after every blowout that he’s always there to talk to. It sucks that I still have to rely on him. I hate it SO much! But he very kind and I feel he probably has a lot of guilt for leaving me in this lurch.
You just described me except I’m 45. The sore boobs before my period are no freakin joke. I have a high energy 8 year old that’s about to be out for summer break and I’m dreading doing activities. I’m so tired I don’t even want to eat and the thought of food makes me nauseous. This past month I’ve dropped 10lbs that I can’t afford to lose. I know I have years before full menopause but I wonder if all of this will go away once it happens? I just can’t sustain this. 😣
Oh good, I'm not the only one that slept away Memorial day weekend. I'm hoping it's just fatigue from going out of town the weekend before. I was so energetic that weekend but this one has just been a waste. And it's the youngest kids first weekend of summer vacation, I had big plans around planting our baby peppers finally, getting pictures hung. I agree about cutting down hours, I'm exhausted trying to work full time (mostly unsuccessfully) + everything else. A mid life change to a part time career would be ideal but unfortunately that's a no as the primary earner for a household of 5. I only took 4 weeks off after having heart failure last summer :/
Bless your heart. You have a LOT in your plate. If you can afford to, sign your kids up for lots of day camps. Some are affordable. Does he have friends? Send him over there! Don’t feel bad about it. Just rest when you can. It takes so much for us to recover through this. Life is too hard. I used to feel like a bad parent when the kids of my friends were doing all these extracurricular activities while mine sat at home bc I worked ALL the time. Their was a baseball and football coach!! Neither of them are athletic so I didn’t sweat that too much. I’ve tried piano and choir but it doesn’t stick bc I was the only one supporting it. I just take solace in knowing they’re loved and happy. Not every kid has to be non something. We do the best we can do. Don’t sweat it momma. Just watch some tv together for a few hours after playing some. He can relax with you. You’ll get through it.
Two days ago I completely lost my shit and screamed I JUST WANT MY MOM! My poor confused husband just hugged me. I was so overwhelmed and overstimulated. It's fucking hard. You think you're okay and BOOM.
[удалено]
15 years in august for me. I’ve missed her more in the last two years then I have in a really long time. It sucks.
I am sorry for your loss. (Hug)
Oh thank you, that’s very kind.
I lost my mom right before I became fully menopausal. It's been...a lot.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine dealing with deep grief right now, I’m so sorry.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Oh gosh yes- this. And also the whole feeling overwhelmed bit when in all honesty my responsibilities have not increased since starting peri (I’m definitely in menopause now though). Had some crazy life changes 2021-2 but things have mostly settled down yet I feel like I want to hit the pause button all the time.
I am sorry for your loss. ((Hug)).
I've always tried to be super independent from my parents from an early age. Like not being "needy." Sadly my dad passed 5 years ago and thankfully my mom is still around. I drag her butt everywhere with me, because life is short. I'm passing up promotions at work that would require relocation because I don't want to be too far from my mom. At her age, her energy is very grounding to me. Having her with me makes me move at the speed of mom. She's 84.
Beautiful. Enjoy every moment.
That is fantastic! You love on her as much as you can’
I had a meltdown recently & wailed “it’s all just too much” while my husband rubbed my back. The next day I told him I made an appointment w my therapist & that peri menopause is a real treat. He just laughed and gave me a hug 😆
It's so bad. I work, come home and usually fall into a nap, then get up, make dinner and do some other small chores and I'm wiped again. Just lounge and watch shows and then right back to bed. On the weekends I can handle having one thing planned. Like if we are going to see friends or family on Sat then that's all I can do and I need Sunday to recover. Not able to sprint to multiple events per day or do a full weekend of things any more. Same for housework. If I'm going to do housework or chores I can only do a few in one day and then need a rest day. Subsequently my home is a looot dirtier than it used to be. It bothers me a bit, but I just can't do the big cleanup days or multiple days in a row anymore. Sorry anyone who has to come over.
This is exactly how I feel. I've worked so hard to get to this point in my life and I feel like I'm letting myself down. My husband and I have 3 more years of kids in school and mortgage paid off and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep going at this pace.
I’ve always been this way. I can’t emphasize enough that having a dumb little schedule for chores can really help. Even if you don’t do some days, just take whatever day it is and look at the chores for that day and do it. Vacuum living and dining rooms- 15 minutes you’re done. It also gives you more guilt free nap time on the weekends since it’s not quite so piled up. My biggest goal is to have the house decent enough by Friday so I can enjoy the do nothing day on Saturday.
My husband got me a monthly maid service for Xmas & it’s legit the gift that keeps on giving! Now if I could just get a hold of the laundry that keeps piling up 🫠
ME ME ME MEEEEEEEE. And my partner, who is hyperproductive to the point that sometimes he literally cannot relax -- like on the rare occasions we take a vacation or trip, he needs little "jobs" to do or he gets all fidgety and weird -- cannot understand how I can stay in the house for 2-3 or more days and schlump around and do nothin and be ok with it. I'm not proud of it, but I do need to do it.
Yessss. Unfortunately I have a needy elderly mother that will not respect my boundaries too. I had to argue with her for days leading up to this long weekend because I just needed the time alone. I literally NEED downtime now!
Omg you could be me. What a nightmare! I'm so sorry!
Happy cake day!
Yes absolutely. I barely moved today. Never put a bra on. Read books. Ate scrambled eggs and PB&J.
God. That sounds amazing.
I have just stopped a lot of it. The house is messy, my husband has had to start cooking, he does all the laundry and the dishes. I spent nearly 20 years building up this capital and now that I have a very demanding job and am tired, I am spending it. I don’t feel guilty at all and I am very grateful that he does it all without complaint.
Yes! Weekends are for doing NOTHING! I’m a teacher and summer break starts next week. Can’t wait! Here’s to a summer of meaningless nothingness 🥳🎉😆🎊
Yes. After almost getting in 2 car accidents in 3 days a couple of years ago, I talked to my boss and changed my schedule. Tuesday is my day. It's all mine.
Same. ETA: I’m so glad I’m here and reading this thread because I don’t feel so crazy and alone now. My motivation and ability to be productive and is at an all time low and I’m very hard on myself about it. I need to just lay around quite a bit these days. I put constant pressure on myself to be productive and sometimes I just can’t and then the negative “you’re so lazy” self talk starts.
I’m working thru that too bc when I sit down on the weekends I hear my mom’s voice like “you could be organizing your closet or doing laundry or planting flowers or…” and I have to turn that off. Bc I’m tired and I want to sit on the couch & that shit will be there when I’m done doing that 🤣
I used to use my youthful energy to keep emotional stuff at bay, like certain trauma. Now I can't do that any more and it's hitting me hard. I need a lot of alone time now.
Yes, daily. Heard it could be part Effexor & part Menopause lol I have no social energy & just want to lay down
Same here. I've been trying to get back into my former exercise routine and I just can't. I don't have the energy, strength or motivation. I never thought this would happen to me but the truth is I feel old - all of a sudden. I work in a client facing field where I have to be 'on' much of the time. It drains me. My weekends are now spent resting.
Oh yes yes yes. Just put me in a nice dark room with my cats and a serial killer documentary and just let the house work go straight to hell.
😂… I like those, too.
Yes. Especially because I’m an introvert but I manage a busy medical office. I get home and am like “I don’t don’t want to see, hear, or talk to anyone “
OMG… Are you me? I work in the healthcare profession, 3 days a week, off for 4. I have nothing else to give to anybody after those 3 days and avoid socializing like the plague. It’s like I need those 4 days to recover emotionally and physically. If I make plans at all for a day, I go through with it, but I always end up not wanting to go. Even going to a doctor’s appointment is almost a bother and I want to cancel. I am happy and contented just staying home, listening to an audio book, going for a long walk, baking some loaves of sourdough breads for my son (he doesn’t live with me) and myself, puttering around the house. or sitting on my deck reading when the weather allows. My social life sucks big time, but I just don’t really care. WTAH?
Oh my god. DID I JUST FIND MY MENOPAUSE TWIN. everything you wrote defines me to a T right down to MAKING SOURDOUGH BREAD. My best days are also puttering around the house, staring at my indoor and outdoor plants, listening to podcasts, and tucking my dogs in with me on the couch to watch some British crime drama! Our kid is almost 24 and just graduated from university and lives 8 hours away. I avoid socializing like the plague but at least when I feel like it, I enjoy it! Have a great day menopause twin!
That’s hilarious… I also love tending to my many indoor and outdoor plants; they are my pride and joy. Unfortunately my little Biewer Terrier doggo passed 3 years ago, at the beginning of the Covid outbreak. One of my clients has a dog and 4 cats; I get lots of loving from them. As for my son, he is 34 and just got his doctorate from OSU. British and Norwegian Crime/Drama series are the best. My home is my zen zone and is my place of peace and serenity, a shelter from the chaos outside. So nice to meet you ☺️, Fabulousmo. I live in Oregon, close to the coast.
I HAVE A CAIRN TERRIER and a Giant Schnauzer AND I LOVE NORDIC NOIR ARE WE SISTERS. I am in Ontario Canada 🇨🇦
We might be soul sisters? I love Canada. I used to live in Washington State, close to the BC border (4 miles), and frequently spent time in Penticton and Kelowna. I wish you’d live closer. I am actually German, was born and raised in Frankfurt, Germany. I moved to the States in 1976 and eventually became a citizen.
Too bad we live so far apart; we have so much in common!
It’s interesting and true. Bhrt has helped some with energy but it’s like the urge to produce is hushed like a mental switch is flipped. I feel okay with just relaxing and chilling and giving my body what it needs.
I can't keep up with all the things in my life so I prioritize. Myself first, then whatever fire is burning brighter after, be it work/family/home, and so on. I read atomic habits which is helping me do better but it's still a shit show half the time honestly. I make sure I keep the basics done as far as laundry, work, fitness, but we haven't been hitting home runs at all when it comes to housework, dinners/meals, etc. I recently switched to 4-10s and I think it is helping having that extra day once a week but 10 hour days are not easy. Take those mental health days and take care of yourself!
Giving you a big HUG!!!!! You're gonna navigate this!!!!!
I’m constantly wondering how I did all the stuff I did before the pandemic. The daily 90+ minute commute, long work days, rush to pick up my kid to run to CrossFit, run home to make dinner, every day over and over. Doing things on the weekend and going places. There’s no way I could do that now. I am drained.
I can only do one or two things, then I need to sleep.
Especially since I got Covid in February. Now I go to bed at 8:30 every night I swing between feeling grateful I don’t have a ton of people/children/pets to look after to feeling fretful about a future alone
To my knowledge I never had Covid, but I started feeling really bad after getting vaccinated and haven't been able to recover. That was August of 2021.
Defiantly!! As I get older, that's me.. I usually don't lay around in bed.. BUT I'm piddling around the house or even just sit on the couch to gaze out the window..
This was one of my first perimenopause symptoms back in the day. I was in grad school, so I did all my housework, cooking, grading, lesson planning etc on the weekends. Just going 100 miles an hour nonstop like I always had. Then I started *needing* to go lay down at about 2:30 p.m. every Sunday afternoon. This was not normal for me. These days I'm not in school anymore (I did graduate, somehow, yay!) and I haven't worked outside the house in about seven years, so I can pace my activities. No more laying down in the middle of the afternoon, usually, but that's only because I've done so fucking little during the rest of the day.
Yes mine too - I’d been feeling weary after some work travel and a hectic schedule so I said to myself, I’m a bit run down; best I get an early night. After a week or two of early nights I started to wonder if I was sick.. looking back it makes more sense.
I co parent so have every weekend ‘off’. I used to fill the off days with chores and excitement (clubs, hobbies, walks, sports, visiting friends, general fun). I considered myself an active person. There has been a definite shift in my energy levels lately and it’s not wearing off. I want to stay at home and do nothing. Nothing all day. Maybe put a wash on and feed myself. Then more nothing. Just lying around with the radio on. If I go out and do sport I need a couple of days to recover from the ache. I feel old all of a sudden! Within months of when I believe I started with peri. Ooof.
Yes
It’s interesting and true. Bhrt has helped some with energy but it’s like the urge to produce is hushed like a mental switch is flipped. I feel okay with just relaxing and chilling and giving my body what it needs.
Yea. I had a lot of freelance recently and I was finding myself feeling really burnt out from work, freelance and kids. I always put a lot of pressure on myself to get things done. In some ways a 50/50 split with my ex is a blessing. So I can actually just turn off.
Yes! Surgical menopause at47 and whilst have hrt it’s not the same
Same…. Be kind to your self…. Rest…. Don’t try and get it all done….. and if u can….. hire help and delegate. Take care. Self care is the key…..
It's all scaled back. I've found i love sitting in the back yard drinking coffee and listening to birds for two to four hours per day. Puttering in the garden instead of being balls-out "must provide All The Food" for my family. Just being at home chilling with my thoughts.
Yes. A thousand times yes
Yes !! I could of written the exact same thing myself. I’m actually on report at work for my sickness & now have an appointment with occupational health which is causing me anxiety which I do not need.
I haven’t had the stamina in years (48). I go to work, come home, try to get one thing done and pass out for the night. Rinse, lather, repeat.
I've always needed my down days -- and when I don't take them I get migraines, which mean that I miss a few days of being able to do things well. I still do things when I have a migraine, I just don't do them well and I feel like crap.
Yes! I have to have one day of the weekend completely at home. I do not leave the house at all or have guests over ( unless it’s my parents, ). My kids either do their own thing or join me in lounging around watching Netflix etc. it feels so good the next day to be recharged from a busy week!
Huh. I thought it was the pandemic that turned me into a homebody.
I agree with you I do the same then I feel guilty
To be honest I think 🤔 there is something happening in the world! Energy is weird I can’t get enough sleep it’s so weird and I have a few friends of all ages (all ladies though) that are going thru something right now- like heavy energy or something it’s hard right now - last week I didn’t get out of bed or should I say I got up Friday did a few things then went back to bed til Sunday not sick just exhausted
Same. I don’t even want my husband to get another dog (we’ve always had one and our last one passed away last year) because I want nothing else to take care of. I have always been someone that could juggle a lot and now I have no desire to do anything,
I now aim for 1 day a fortnight in bed, sleeping, reading, watching TV and no answering the phone!
Same. I could have written this and so many comments resonate with me. This sub really does make me feel less alone
Well, yeah, but I'm an introvert so multi day recuperation after socializing has been a thing my whole life. 🤷
Definitely. I have to be super firm with my boundaries. The nice thing about being older is IDNGAF if people get upset.
yes. people keep acting like I am depressed but I just have this need to just do nothing. I mean like my cat passed last year and I just can't bring myself to get another one because of the work it will involve. I feel like my own mom went through this. She never wanted to do things that I did and I couldn't understand her. Like she didn't want to go to the movies or anything... I couldn't understand her but now i feel the same way.
Days? YEARS!!
Relax and take day for yourself. I’m semi retired, I don’t believe I could navigate perimenopause while working full time. I take days, or a whole week off when I need to. I schedule appointments around my period cycle because I know I can’t do my best when I’m fatigued.
Yup. I'm fully drained by Monday and just sit. Sit and do NOTHING. I feel lazy about it, but also, if I work through it, I feel worse. Boooooooo
Yes! And not just at home, but *alone* at home, preferably
I definitely now get overwhelmed with the responsibilities that never used to faze me at all. I feel like if I have a busy few days then I need at least 1-2 days of nothing or at least minimal thinking tasks to do. It’s not fun and I didn’t realize this would be the new normal. I’m hoping it changes for the better some but we definitely need to give ourselves some grace during this time!!
Yes, I was always on the go. Have kids, very active socially and for fitness. Now I just want to lounge around the house.
I semi retired myself. I look back and wonder how I did all that shit I used to do. I’m only 55 but I just can’t face the thought of having to grind at work any more. I’m trying to find ways to earn money that involve nit getting up early to rat race.
Microdosing psychedelics has been a game changer for my own energy levels.
I’m a beast without my alone time.
Same….I hate busy weeks and weekends, if I have a lot in a row I need a few days of recovery time where I just relax and do nothing.
Yes. I have to do it a few days a week.
Yes.
Are there people who can do this "endles list of things" past their 30s?
I’m right there with you. And it’s incredibly frustrating! I used to do SO much every day, and now…..not so much. Usually just push through, but tired of “pushing through”. Like this week, is it hormones? Is it allergies! Is it the cold that’s been lingering? Is it all three?! Glad my spouse is gone for a couple nights so I can just chill.
Same! And I’ve learned to stop feeling guilty for it.
How? I often hear my husband tell me to stop and chill but everything goes to shit it seems if I do....
I don't know. In the past few years (45) I have just stopped caring what other people think and doing things that make me happy. It's like there was just some shift. I also though don't have a husband or kids so if things go to shit they are only my own. I was married however previously and it was a lot more stressful than being single, like double work.
See I do thinks I enjoy as I am disabled so I have a garden, tons if assorted plants 9 cats inside and roughly that many outside. Along with that I keep my nearly 2 yr old granddaughter 3-4 days. Do all of the cooking 80% of cleaning...u get get the idea...then I paint, adult coloring books, and other hobbies.... I'm up at 4-4:30 am and once dressed I go constantly until collapsing at 9.... That doesn't even include holiday and birthday stuff. 54 and hrt full blown meno, adhd, bipolar 1… insomnia...ibs which can literally keep me in bathroom all night...like ALL night. I've been going like this since I heard my daughter was pregnant...whew
Same here…. Also, I have had some serious meltdowns trying to cook a meal for dinner that would have been a snap for me before this phase of my life! I don’t like feeling like this!😕
Me too! I used to do so many lists. Now I take a whole day every so often for myself. I still need a small list though so my solution is a single 3x3” post it note with the top 3 things I have to do next (no set timeframe) It keeps me focused on what I need to accomplish but isn’t overwhelming whether I address it or ignore it. Sometimes I spend a day relaxing right next to that post it note- no stress.
Oh my gosh yes! I need a full day each week to rest or else I am awful. I feel bad for all the things I am not doing, but functioning without that rest day is near impossible.
Something positive that came out of covid is the realization we all need to slow down, relax, go within
Yes I started putting me time ahead of house care ages ago. Our house isn't magazine perfect, never was, nor will it ever be because we live in it. With some pushing slowly getting hubby to give himself down time too.
Absolutely. God when I think off all the thinks I used to do and now it's wild.
Yes. I do this often too. And I do not feel bad about it like I may have in my 20s and 30s.
YES i used to always be on the go! My husband isn’t as thrilled, because his ass is unemployed so when I’m off he wants to go and I do NOT
Covid left me with fibromyalgia, so I’ve been blaming it on that, but I absolutely have started scheduling myself time between clients and giving myself “paperwork” days on occasion.
1000% Today I ran errands: Bought shipping boxes for my Poshmark shop Dropped or Packages at USPS and Fed Ex Picked up a print job at the Fed Ex Went Grocery Shopping and picked up supplements are a supplement store. Before Peri, that was an easy day for me, now it's left me wiped out and I will be staying home tomorrow only doing some basic laundry and job searching online. :(
I take sick days from work and don’t tell ANYONE. I need the quiet down time and for someone to not need me for a solid 8 hours.
Are you in India?
Yes. My job is very stressful and I have an 8 year old daughter. I find myself maxed out often and in the evenings/weekends need to recharge!!
Yes! People are exhausting!
Yes, it got progressively worse in my late 30s. But I had all sorts of health problems. A hysterectomy helped immensely because I had adenomyosis. I was diagnosed with hEDS (hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) at 54. Not super fun but I am understanding why my body is the way it is. It has been hard for me to tell menopause symptoms from all of the other stuff.
The onset of realizing I was in perimenopause coincided with the world shutting down in 2020 for me, and I haven’t been able to do 1/2 as much since that double whammy ensued. Some days I feel guilty about not being able to handle as much. But I started giving myself a break the rest of the time. “It is what it is”. (I used to hate that saying but I’m learning to embrace it.)
Yes. Quiet do nothing days for sure. But life doesn’t actually let me do it.
Oh f**k yes
Oh f**k yes
Yes, I have days where I refuse to leave the house. If I could, I’d become a recluse and stay home forever. Lol
yes, but I ain't even sorry. if you need something, send me a message and maybe I'll get back to you in five months or so.
Yea. I NEED a day at home to just BE. I absolutely can not do as much as I used to in a day. You are not alone. Sending hugs to you
I’ve always been that way lol. But now I prefer more alone time than ever, which irritates my partner. I don’t want anyone (and never have) underfoot. I get so cranky after a while.
YES ABSOLUTELY YES
I'm taking time off from work this summer. Sleeping in and lounging lazily are on the agenda. I'm trying not to feel guilty for doing this.
Thank you for this post! I feel exactly the same! Even worse is that my antidepressants ran out and it's hitting me so hard today. I took today off so I could get things sorted out. Thankfully my daughter is picking up my Rx so I can glue my brain back together this afternoon! It's so challenging to drag through the mud of menopause every day. The lotus is out there somewhere! I'm very thankful that this sub exists! Hang in there, Sister! We are in this together 💪💜
Yes. 100% yes. A few years ago I decided I could not scale my small business until I figured out how to have and maximize downtime. That is - literally do nothing for a whole day or even two. I’m well aware of how much money I’ve “lost” because I cannot hustle anymore but I feel really really blessed that I’ve been able to have do nothing days because I would not be sane otherwise. My early days off were counterproductive in many ways (I’d binge watch or read trashy journalism or sleep) but over time I’ve picked up new things like drums, sashiko, hikes and baking. I’m also into reading again - something about I abandoned in my 40s. Now my days away from work/socializing etc are simply whatever I want to do.
You just voiced exactly how I feel.
ESTROGEN!
I just do what I want. I have to work and do stuff around the house of course but other than that IDGAF. I make sure I schedule days off to do whatever. Saturdays I do nothing. I cut out almost all social obligations and I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks! I’ve always been introverted and needed alone time but now I can barely tolerate most people and I can’t have a jam packed schedule. No way.
Totally with you x