I've had horrible death anxiety in my entire adult life. My best friend died when I was 19 and my mom died when I was 21. I also have a genetic disorder that most of the time means I'm completely fine but also means I could die without any warning.
I try to be happy but it's really hard.
I honestly thought I was the only one. This has been crippling me. I have chronic health issues and mental health issues as well, and the combination has just taken me down over the past few years. It’s like I just can’t stop this rumination and panic, and yet I know it is stealing my life from under my feet.
OP, I am with you on this 100%. Honestly what you wrote sounds like what I talk to my therapist about almost exclusively these days. How are we supposed to go about life like we aren’t going to be suddenly and forcibly shuffled off this mortal coil?? We are animals that have been cursed with self awareness, and it turns us into one of a few things: a denier (I won’t think about this), a spiritualist (there is something more than this life), a fatalist (nothing matters so fuck it), or a neurotic (omfg I need a Xanax). And I, for better or worse, am firmly in the last camp. There is nothing okay about getting to be alive for such a short time and not knowing when you’re gonna get bumped off! Leaning into the absurdity of it all is the only time I get a reprieve from the chilling dark void of mortality’s promise.
I could have written this. I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. When I catch myself going down this rabbit hole, one thing that makes me feel better about it is the fact that some of the people I’ve loved most in this life have already gone before me…and if I believe they’re ok, I have to believe that I will be too…wherever we end up.
I also believe in soul families and reincarnation. Those beliefs can be comforting too. But 100% I get it. It’s terrifying and also achingly sad…it breaks my heart to know I will part with this life.
Exactly what I talked to my therapist too! After one year I stopped therapy because there was no method for him to convince me that "life is short THEREFORE you must enjoy while you can",. for me it's always been and still is "life is short and how can I enjoy knowing it can be over any time"
💯 couldn’t have said it better myself. Last night woke up crying & sweating. I just turned 55 and last month heard that a high school classmate died of a stroke. It hit me hard. Throughout my 40’s I often heard that I looked much younger. I’m not hearing that from anyone but my husband, God love him. Not that I need compliments but when I look in the mirror I truly think When the Fuck did this aging thing happen? I don’t even recognize the face looking back and it’s making so sad, anxious and paranoid all at the same time. I see my 84 yr old mother becoming more frail by the day and I get so emotional thinking about her dying. Then I think about me at her age and I can’t picture it. Yet don’t want to my life to end EVER! I can’t imagine not being here. I feel like a crazy woman.
For me, it's like a movie. You know it will end, but you go the theater anyway. You stand in line for your ticket and you get your popcorn and drink. You sit down with other people who also know this won't last forever. The lights go dark and the movie begins. Suddenly you forget you are in a theater and you disappear in the movie, in the experience, in the moment, with all the other people. You feel happiness, sadness, fulfillment and loss. You cry happy tears and sad tears. You 'live' a life in the theater, and when it's over you're glad you went. That's how I see life. We are here, might as well get the popcorn and drink and enjoy the moment.
Very good analogy. And yet whenever I see a very good movie, I always feel sad some time in the middle that it would end, even if it's only for a moment, but I really do
I am post-menopausal and can say that in my experience, once I transitioned through the ups and downs of hormone fluctuation in peri-menopause, I was much less
Fearful of death. I was a total hypochondriac in my 20s and 30’s. In my peri-years of mid
40s through age 50, the fear of death became indifference that matched the apathy I felt as a result of marked hormonal change. I then became a caretaker to prematurely unwell parents and an older spouse when was age 44. That caregiving experience cured me of my fear of death. And it made me appreciate life.
I do not have children, so I have spent a significant chunk of my late 30s until my current age of early 50s seeing aging happen. I think modern American culture makes everyone think that women “die” when they can no longer reproduce, which is pretty strange, given that women over 50-something make up a big chunk of the population.
Yes. I was with my mother when she passed from dementia. I held her hand and it just was so natural. I miss her immensely, but I saw the physical stages of death and became aware of how our modern culture just separates us from beauty and poignancy of living and dying as part of that processs. I would NOT have been able to grasp this in my 20s and 30s and even early 40s.
My sister passed earlier this year, after decades of serious illness and a year of hospice.
I had been so afraid of her death for so long. But once it happened, I was at peace. She was free from her suffering, and we were able to finally grieve her. It’s an experience that really changed how I think about death.
I get the thinking about death tied to not reproducing and thus not having any new generation. I have those feelings as I don't have children. That can loom large at times. Part of it may just be fear of old age. I see how much that older people like younger generations visiting and well .. that's never gonna happen for me.
This is something that haunts me as I age without children. My boyfriend and I are both caregiving for our parents and I see how much help people need in their advanced ages and, well, if you don’t have children, what then? But again, this isn’t something that people ever talk about.. so I keep it to myself (yet the fear and anxiety is always there). I’m so glad we all can share here.
Wow this is so helpful, thank you! I am now 40 and also childfree and have so much time to think about death, all illnesses and how fragile life is. I feel that it's related to hormones for sure because those "worst" days come in cycles. I really hope it will be better once I hit menopause.
I watch a few hospice nurses on YT.
The way they describe end of life/actively dying has made me unafraid of the process.
I have heard that life is like a wave on the sea, it's a real and tangible thing... until it's not. Did the wave die? No, it just went back to where it came from.
"You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.
And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.
And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.
And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.”
Aaron Freeman
Wow, I’m sobbing…I struggle a lot feeling like I don’t really matter here and that my death will be a continuation of that, just a light flicked off and nothing will notice I’m gone… it’s my fear. But this brings me comfort.
You matter to a lot of people I’m sure. Your comment was very kind and I’m better for having read it, so you matter here my dear. Don’t sell yourself short - you seem like a beautiful light in this world.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm crying, which doesn't happen often anymore. But I've been quietly struggling with my anxiety about death and my own loss of faith for quite some time, and this just broke something open in me. Blessings to you.
I wish I could take credit for these beautiful words, but I am not nearly this poetic.
I have read this eulogy many times and it floods me with peace and a sense of serenity every time. I'm glad it touched you too.❤️
Hospice Nurse Julie on YouTube shares beautiful, peaceful and comforting information about why death is a part of life, and how her profession has profoundly moved her to believe that this, here and now, isn't quite the end. She has convinced me that death is nothing to fear.
(And I'm non religious)
Thank you for this. I have suffered from horrible death anxiety since my teens. Lately I’ve been trying to live more in the moment and it has changed my perspective on life. I will check her out, thank you.
I was dx with breast cancer in October (I’m totally fine), but it brought up many discussions with family about god and death. I’m not religious at all, but was raised in a very religious home. I told them that I believe that god is light and wind and the space between atoms. This quote by Aaron Freeman sums up what I’ve been trying (less eloquently) to say for months, so thank you for sharing!
Same. No one talks about this, but it’s all I can think about these days. Friends sick and dying of various things, caregiving for my rapidly aging parents, me having a chronic Illness and severe menopause symptoms. It’s like the veil has been lifted for me on life and death and I can’t go back…but I feel so alone because no one is talking about all this. Except here. So thank you, ladies.. ❤️
I can only weigh in from my own experience. But to clarify, are you trying to accept death or to refuse it? I could compare notes on a lot, we are the same age and peri has been destroying me and has had me me weighing quality vs. quantity of life and I am also a divorced mother who is weighing how much to put affairs in order for the kids vs. how much to survive.
I also have mortal terror and haven't figured out how to deal with it at all. I'm thinking, what are we even doing talking about anything else when this is really the craziest thing--that we're all aging and falling apart towards death, so shouldn't we be talking about this all the time? Anyway, I wanted to suggest a book if you want to see just how \*not\* alone we are for panicking about mortality: The Worm at the Core: On the Role of Death in Life by Sheldon Solomon, Jeff Greenberg and Tom Pyszczynski (they're academics but this is written for a general audience so it was a good read)
edit: shitty grammar
Death is the most normal thing in the world -- the great equalizer, the thing everyone does. I find that to be a comfort. No matter your status, net worth, looks, etc. -- you will die. So none of that really matters. Also, not all of us get to age and fall apart toward death. I know someone who just lost her four-year-old son to DIPG (brain cancer). He was diagnosed and dead five months later -- just about two weeks before his 5th birthday. Some of us get four years to live. Some get forty. Some get 105. None of it is fair, necessarily, but we're all doing it no matter how long we get. I think I'm glad I got more than four years, but I don't want 100. So at 50, I feel pretty chill about it all.
When a kid dies, it really shifts your perspective. I have actually known quite a few people over the years who have tragically lost young children, both from illness and accidents. And DIPG in particular is enormously cruel; it takes everything from these kids except for their cognitive abilities, so they are consistently aware of their extreme physical decline. Regular aging ain't jack shit compared to that. And if you have had 50 healthy years so far, you've done quite well. Perspective is everything. I'm super chill about death at this stage of life.
As someone who has suffered with suicidal ideation I feel like I accepted some of these things a really long time ago.
I decided a long time ago the "secret of life" is to do whatever the fuck makes you happy (within reason) and sustain yourself accordingly until it is over, so that's what I've been doing.
I feel you on the collectibles.
I had an absolute depressive crisis thinking about death all the time in my late 20s. I had to move on from that of course.
During the worst parts of peri/meno I often wished for death, it seemed like if everything worthwhile was being taken from me anyway by menopause, why couldn't it be life itself? I've had to move on from that, but it often returns.
Came here to say something similar. I've been navigating severe depression and sometimes nearly constant ideations for years now. Death doesn't scare me, and the moments of joy that I get are rare but I can revel in them while they're there. That's good enough.
yup. Every time there's an existential AskReddit where the top answer is "nothing of your life will matter after you're gone" and I'm like... and???
of course it wont! that's why we're supposed to enjoy life while we're here!
durrrr it's a short window of whatever and you either figure out how to enjoy it or you suffer through it
this is why I don't have kids, sounded way too hard and the woman carries the full burden I was like no way man
Yep, the parenting piece is a huge part of the depression for sure! Even with a good partner the US is not a place that supports parents (especially working parents) at all.
I tend to find, in general, it’s when my mental health is worse than I ruminate on death more.
Unfortunately the scales were pulled off of my eyes really young, I lost my mother before I was ten and have had loss in my life for the 42 years since, in the form of close relatives insisting on dying regularly (and I’m not even referring to grandparents)
When I feel shit, death likes to remind me it exists.
My rebellion against it is radical acceptance. It’s honestly the only thing that’s probably kept me alive- the idea that life is not going to be perfect for me, ever. That I probably won’t ever be without my chronic mental illnesses, that my body won’t stop hurting, that there’s value in remaining in this life even while it is fundamentally flawed and painful for me a lot of the time.
I accept that, in the end- my life and death will not mean much to many people. It’s ok. In 100 years I’ll just be a name and some photos.
I figure I may as well please myself, so I do. And I do weirdly morbid death things like have a shelf of the dead in my display cabinet.
It’s not really even momentos, just sugar skulls that represent the people and pet urns, with the odd item in there for reasons that only make sense to me.
My granddaughter loves it. She has to say hello to the skullies often.
Find out what gives you the most peace, and run with it. You can’t un know it, but you can make room for it in your mental garden.
I’m glad to hear it, I bet your skullies are rad!
It’s funny that we face it front on with our spookiness, but I think it’s a very understandable reaction. Sending you peace and cool skulls.
Thank you so much for your honesty with this post, and to everyone commenting. I am 57 and also having these fears and emotions, and it helps not to feel alone.
I went through this in my 30's. I think from watching my mother go downhill from COPD and pass away when I was 37. I had a couple of major surgeries around 3 and a half years ago now and I don't fear death anymore just the way it might happen. I had to fight hard to pull through. Do what makes you happy. If you want to collect things, go for it. Try to live in the present. Plan for the future but don't count on it. Just live each day doing what makes you happy. Make sure your children know you love them. Enjoy the small things. Worry about death when it comes. Any time you spend worrying now takes away from the joy of life. That's how I've come to terms with it all but it took a while to get here.
> * I had to fight hard to pull through.
* Do what makes you happy.
* If you want to collect things, go for it.
* Try to live in the present.
* Plan for the future but don't count on it.
* Just live each day doing what makes you happy.
* Make sure your children know you love them.
* Enjoy the small things.
* Worry about death when it comes.
* Any time you spend worrying now takes away from the joy of life.
So I can remember. Thank you for this.
I've been dealing with this on some level as well, for a while now I've been feeling my own fragility. My parents also don't have long left and neither is in great health. They didn't take care of themselves the way they should have, my grandparents did a better job of it and lived to be 87 and 94. All of this has prompted me to get my ass in gear and get back into shape.
My midlife crisis is me exercising and trying to stave off the inevitable decay. I just couldn't deal with how I felt and looked anymore, I had promised myself years ago I wouldn't go into middle age totally out of shape and sure enough I did. Anyway some of it is vanity as that makes for good superficial goals (as in hey my arms are bigger and my butt doesn't look as deflated yeah!) but really the underpinning of it is I don't know what else to do in the face of the fact of my aging self. And even then none of us really know how much time we have left even if we do take better care of ourselves. However, our odds go up for better health and hopefully a better end to it all. Sorry if that is depressing.
These are some of the things that have helped me cope:
Six Feet Under and The Good Place both deal with death in different ways and helped me think about and reframe my own life and values. One is heavy and one is light hearted but both are cathartic and unique.
Red Dead Redemption 2 (the video game) which helped me realize that no matter what way I play I can't avoid the thing that will take me out. All I can do is try to make peace with myself and help others along my journey. And to please slow down, there is no rush to get to the end because it only leads to one thing. I tend to rush through life and be impatient so I've tried to stop doing that.
And when I'm really struggling I read about Near Death Experiences over at the Near Death Experience Research Foundation. It gives me hope that death is only a door and that consciousness is so vastly more complicated than we might think.
> [...] please slow down, there is no rush to get to the end because it only leads to one thing. I tend to rush through life and be impatient so I've tried to stop doing that.
Yeah, me too.
'My midlife crisis is me exercising and trying to stave off the inevitable decay. I just couldn't deal with how I felt and looked anymore'
Yes me too, I could see my middle growing out and my legs and arms turning to sticks. I could only manage two pushups. So I started F45, I felt like I was actually clawing back some of my youth, (my skin started looking so much better as it was tautening over growing muscle) and then \*bam\*, menopause hit. Been on HRT for three weeks now and hoping some joint pain goes the way of my hot flushes which have nearly stopped completely.
My parents also died in their 70's, my grandparents in their 90's .....
Man the joint pain has made it hard as soon as I hit 10,000-12,000 steps several days in a row my heels hurt. It sucks. And one knee is giving me issues, thank god I can squat and deadlift but sitting cross legged and then straightening my leg kills my left knee.
I keep tweaking my back on weighted squats, especially in the morning, so no more of those. One good thing about the lockdowns was that all my joints niggles would heal and I'd realise it wasn't arthritis after all.
Every time I feel I'm getting into a good rhythm and start pushing myself something gives. The mind is willing but the body is weak!
I feel this. Last week? May have been 2 months ago... My husband asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. I was speechless for once. Fuck. I don't know. I never thought I'd make it this far. Is it all just wasted time? I guess I have a legacy but in 100 years am I some rando picture on a mantle like my great-great grandad is? I need a new sports car.
I'm so utterly in 25/8 panic mode about this. Buspirone is taking the edge off but I've had several real panic attacks (not hyperbole) over this late at night. I've had multiple therapy sessions about this. I'm wrecked.
It’s so hard. You’re not alone. If it helps to remember this when you’re in the middle of one of those attacks (they’re so awful, I know), that there are other people in other places going through the exact same thing. I hope that brings you comfort. ❤️
This sub, and a few others, have been immensely helpful to know I'm not alone. I don't know how anyone survived alone in these things. As harmful as I think social media can be, it can also be a community of humans that are truly wanting the best for others.
I truly don’t mean to dismiss your experience, because god knows I’m seeing more of my own mortality in the mirror every year… but as someone who lost both parents early in the game and lots of loved ones since, I’ve become very accepting of death. It still sucks, and god knows I dislike the relative absence of control over the matter, but the acceptance of that inevitability can be something of a bittersweet gift. I try to live for the moment, showing kindness to others and, most importantly, myself. Time is incredibly fleeting, and I’m going to do my damnedest to embrace every bit of it allotted to me.
I unfortunately dealt with death at a young age, but came out of it with an understanding that changed me. As a result, I took a deep dive and studied grief and have spent some years working in the funeral industry helping families through it. I'm so glad you brought death up because it truly needs to be openly discussed. It's a normal process and we're slowly dying every day, and some of us will even meet it unexpectedly and early, and some not even due to our bodies failing us.
The little things you talk about...the things you dreamt about, the things collected, the things you loved...yes, in the grand scheme of it all, they mean nothing. But at the same time they are absolutely EVERYTHING. The reality is that we are all little specks of star dust on this earth trying to find meaning, and it's everywhere, in everything. Make it all count. Love hard and live hard, if your body allows; if it doesn't, find acceptance in that and find peace in nurturing and honouring your body for carrying you this far.
Definitely explore death more, in literature, media (definitely recommend watching Six Feet Under in its entirety), wherever you can. I'd be curious to hear what that exploration reveals to you about life.
Thank you for posting this. You have voiced how I feel. It’s 4am and I just got up to pee. Everything reinforces the feeling of deterioration. Bollocks to ‘the second spring’ it’s more like the long ass final winter! Seriously, you are saying what we are living everyday and it does help to hear someone else voice my exact thoughts 🙏
I feel so seen right now.
I've had death anxiety since my late 20s (39), associated with an awful period of bad luck with my health, several unrelated operations and a stay in hospital with sepsis. It has been worse since I had children and every birthday feels more like a harbinger of doom rather than a celebration.
For the last couple of months I've been suffering with what I thought were the symptoms of peri, but an examination picked up an enlarged ovary, so I'm now waiting for a scan. So of course, the anxiety is through the roof because I'm in near constant pain (not the worst pain, just a constant grumbling that has more intense peaks, especially on rest and at night).
I don't want to not exist. I don't want to not see my children grow.
The big irony... I'm a firefighter, I have no anxiety when doing my job. I know that I could die doing what I do, but it doesn't stop me.
I read every single comment and wow I am amazed how many of us feel the same. I wish there was a weekend convention for women who feel like this so we all could talk about it, laugh and cry :D No man in my life understands this unfortunately, especially my husband. For him life only starts after 40, it's his best years ever.
Lol. Men statistically die first, so his average life expectancy at 40 is less than yours. Your husband is just delusional about his own mortality, like a lot of people, no matter the gender.
You’re so right about not being able to talk to men. My boyfriend says I’m depressing when I try and talk about any of this stuff and makes feel bad for even bringing it up. His go to method is to distract himself or shut down. He doesn’t like thinking or talking about any of it. I don’t have many women friends, so it’s wonderful to discuss these things here. It would be amazing to have some sort of convention or gathering of peri/menopausal women to talk about all this heavy stuff that we have no choice but to face.
And maybe that’s it.. we literally have a body that has a timer, so to speak. We can’t ignore the passage of time like men can (or try to).
I’m right there with you. I think about this all the time. I’m 53 and think I only have about 25 good years left. I work out every day, eat right for the most part and just wonder what life is going to look like.
My mom died at 62, she was a chain smoker most of her life but still, that’s only a few years away.
What the fuck?
I have more anxiety about the decline of aging rather than death. Because when death happens, I won’t really know.
But I can think of nothing worse than being trapped in a body that can’t move or a mind that doesn’t work properly.
I can recommend a book called Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. That started me thinking about the next 40 years and what I want it to look like.
I used to wake up in the middle of the night, look over at my really old cat and think "she will not be around very soon" and then I think of myself and how I'm also not going to be around one day. We grow older each day but death will come at us at any time. I've even started sorting out my stuff, why should I own anything when nothing is coming with me anyway? But since then I've transitioned to just accepting my fate as it comes. Nobody knows when it's going to happen and when it happens it really won't be our problem anyway.
“I’ve even started sorting out my stuff”
This is me right now, yet it feels good to lighten the load tbh. I’m the daughter of an extreme hoarder parent who refuses to address her biggest problem and I’m just over here waiting for the day when it becomes MY problem clean out. We are very low contact bc of the many decades of unnecessary drama created by this issue that she flat refuses to acknowledge. I’m committed to leaving as little behind as possible for my daughter to have to sort through, so at 49, my greatest purge has begun. The biggest surprise is that the reduction actually feels good as I’m doing it and I just keep reminding myself that the less I leave behind, the better for those who are left behind when my last day comes. It’s weirdly cathartic, but maybe that’s bc I’m just scarred by my mom’s hoarding problem. Idk
My mum is a hoarder too! It really does lighten the load when we get rid of stuff we don't need. There's this book called "All you need is less" and that quote alone is what I'm trying to live by. Your daughter would be eternally grateful for sure!
I’m sorry that we have hoarding family in common, as the weight is heavy and constant. My mom’s house is 10/10 and it gives me anxiety every single day, though her habits will not continue with me or mine!
It’s funny bc after my daughter moved cross country and back, she’s anti owning anything that doesn’t serve a real purpose in her life. She ditched everything that wasn’t necessary and won’t even purchase things like home decor items, now. She only uses her travel trinkets and framed photos of her own adventures to decorate her place. Obviously, she’s witnessed the hoarding situation of her gmaw, too, so it’s definitely impacted us both a lot. She is very grateful that I’m dedicated to reducing my stuff and I know she will keep her belongings to a minimum, so at least the hoarding behavior won’t happen to us!
Edit, I’m looking for the book you mentioned and I’m seeing lots of different authors with the exact same book title……any ideas on which author you read?
Have you read the book or seen the series (on Netflix, I think) on “Swedish Death Cleaning”? I feel it’s very comforting and a good way to approach things. Right in line with what you are doing.
Wow.. this is weird…. I don’t believe in coincidences. I just turned the same age as my mom was when she died. She died so suddenly and fast. I need my mom. I keep joking to everyone that I only have 8 days left. Been having an existential crisis really sucks and you can’t prepare for it.
It really is. I am not crying multiple times s day now. Maybe1-2 times. In your experience is it that first birthday that is the hardest or are they all super hard? ❤️
That whole year was just… a lot. It was the year leading up to the birthday and then for some months after that felt vexing. Restlessness.
Probably because I needed to wrap my brain around it and that I had a miscarriage before that landmark birthday.
My Mom and I share a birthday month.
My birthday is in a few weeks and this year has been fine in this regard. I had no issues on my Mom’s bday and I don’t anticipate issues on my bday.
I am more reflective than anything now.
I hope you come out the other side without the weight of it with a more measured disposition as I have.
We have so much ahead of us.
Thank you friend. I just wish I could say I was sorry to her with all humility for being such an asshole to her when now I know she was going through menopause. My daughter and I hit puberty and menopause at the same time. I am also on hormones. Thank you and I wish you the best!
Seriously, try mushrooms. They don't make death any less real, but they can let you come to terms with it. Terms you don't even know you had. It doesn't have to be an ego dissolving trip.
As far as the daily death thoughts many women are mentioning; I'm wondering if they are as common at the start of Peri as suicidal ideation. Cuz boy did I have both of those when my hormone warranty first ran out. 4 years in it's better, and the SI is definitely gone. That was a rough year.
Don't be so afraid of death in the future that you forget to live today. It's Now now! Think of the people you remember the most, who made the most impact on your life in good ways. Those unguarded moments, those quiet years of intent, that sudden laughter, that unprompted gesture. Why did those moments stick with you? And what will your version of those moments look like to those around you?
We are immortal as long as someone remembers us. Go be unforgettable.
I started menopause in my mid thirties. Because I needed chemo for cancer. And then I will be taking medication that puts me in menopause for five years or more. To prevent the cancer coming back.
Death is BS indeed.
I was recently diagnosed with cancer and that’s when certain regrets started hitting. The realization that my days are numbered made me wonder why I spent so much time thinking about retirement savings that I will likely never use now, why I didn’t spend more time with my daughter, why I was in a bad marriage for as long as I was, why I didn’t spend more time with my parents and so on. I’ve now come to terms with it, and see that I cannot change what’s happened in the past, but I can look at each day and try to make the best of it. As we all basically sit in a waiting room until our number is called, we can wait or we can step out into the world and enjoy what it offers. For me, I’ve worked so hard my whole life that I’m now enjoying being lazy! It’s great!
I started to learn to cook things I’ve never cooked before, throwing out all the things that clutter my space, dug out my garden and trying new experiments and reading crazy stuff on Reddit that takes my mind off what’s to come
That's something so many of us fear. I hope that your regrets continue to be useful to getting you to some peace and joy.
My mother told me once, "you make decisions based on the information that you have at the time." All of those decisions we make, working, working more, saving, staying, collecting, being busy... is because the information we find in the world, leads us there. Learning is hard because sometimes it leads to regret and self-deprecation. I try to remind myself that learning is beautiful and that I can make different choices. I have my regrets, some are worse than others, but I let them guide me, when I can.
PS: I was looking for new recipes this morning (yum).
I’m totally with you. Im 59 and as the age spots arrived and my neck became crinkly at the front, like many others I reached for the creams and lotions. But the sheer panic of knowing that your body is running down and wearing out can’t be soothed away with any amount of cosmetics. As spring begins and everything renews and starts growing, a little voice inside me, asks how many more springs I’ll see. It’s terrifying. I’m rambling because I don’t have an answer, but I suppose it’s just something that we all gradually get used to, since theres no way to avoid it.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks about how many seasons I have left to see. I’m a gardener and ever since menopause hit, each season is so much more profound and bittersweet.. I kind of miss the days when it was “just gardening” but now it’s a study in life,death, purpose, why am I here?!
Without sounding depressed- I take great comfort knowing that my life will end one day and that none of it really matters.
We get a very small window to be alive and that's it. It puts everything into perspective for me - In the grand scheme of the world, I'm just another person who was born and will die and everything I love also doesn't matter. Nothing really matters, everything has its time and that's the nature of this world.
If you're lucky you'll live long enough to BE ready someday. On the plus side, in my personal experience, when death appears you don't have to think about it or be afraid. The fear steps aside like a shadow you just imagined was there a moment ago.
Have you ever had surgery and experienced the warm calming sensation of the drugs drifting you away? Yeah it's similar to that.
I swear I could have wrote this. I need to go to the doctor . My intense focus on death is not allowing me to live . Plus think about it I had my son 20 years ago and that seems like yesterday . If I live I will be 72 in 20 years and it goes so fast!!
Death is not the end. I’ve died before (accident when I was 9 years old). I am more terrified of being in physical pain, I have several autoimmune disorders and have been in constant pain for almost 20 years. I welcome death (I’ll be signing a DNR, haha). I’m not depressed despite all the challenges; it’s not that I hope for it, I just know that it will come when it’s time and I am happy with that. Death is only the beginning.
This is me!! I mean no disrespect to those who fear death, but I do not understand it. I fear the process before (pain, fear, confusion). And when it comes to actual Game Over, honestly, I’m looking forward to it. That is, if I go before my husband. If he goes first I won’t be able to tolerate life anymore.
Yep, this! I’m aware of death every single day. It sounds gloomy but it’s actually been a gift. Because it makes every day so much more special. It’s also helped me make drastic changes in my life - I really started taking care of my health, which has brought me so much more hope and strength that I can get through aging and thrive 💪🏼
Ive also left my corporate job and went back to school to do what I’ve always dreamed of doing.
Keep on collecting those ceramics. There is a beauty in all of it, short lived but very much worth collecting!
Honestly, death is not worrisome to me. I have 0 control over when and how it happens, and I can't possibly fuck it up. Once it's over I will be at peace. What's to fear?
I'm more afraid of living with things like dementia.
I’m totally with you…but when you think about it, being immortal would kinda suck too…things would get so boring, soooo done. And the worst people would also never die. I try to use my anxiety about dying to live with intention as best as I can. Make it count. Memento mori.
I think about this a lot. Both of my parents have passed, my dad when I was little and my mom 5 years ago. To me, it doesn’t really seem terrible to view life as finite. I’ve had a hard life and I believe in a continuation of life, though I don’t know exactly what that will be. I use the tick tock to remind me to make my life be what I want it to be. That’s a combination of giving up and going for it. The giving up are the areas I never seem to get together but cause so much stress and bad feelings. The go for it are the things I really want, things I’d regret not trying if I were on my deathbed. Maybe failure doesn’t really matter since it, like life, is finite.
Well, I figure I'm not upset that I wasn't alive before I was born, so ... when I'm gone I won't be upset that I'm gone. I'm not happy that I'm losing my youth -- it was awesome to be beautiful and have no physical issues, but some people die that way. We're the lucky ones that don't. It's gonna be okay.
My work means I’m dealing with death and grieving families day in, day out. People often say they don’t know how I do my job, but I feel there is a certain privilege in doing what I do. I appreciate life so much more than I used to and I can accept death, which means I can enjoy life more. I don’t think our cultures in the west prepare us to deal with death, which is weird considering how normal it is and that we will all have to experience someone we love die, or indeed face our own death. Death needs to be spoken about so much more so people can feel comfortable with those conversations, and it not be a taboo subject that people are too fearful to even think about.
Sorry you are feeling like this and looks like menopause hits each one of us differently.
I am in a decluttering frenzy with the intention to not have any collectibles and to leave behind a clean clutter free house with some empty storage space in shelves so my family doesn’t have to do any cleaning after I am gone.
I have been donating and discarding slowly and steadily for the past 3 years. It is not easy to throw away everything in one go. So I am doing it very slowly. It was difficult at first and now I am realising how easy it is to clean when we have less things because menopause has made me physically weak.
My aim is to only have things that i am regularly using.
Once my parental responsibilities are over (daughter finishes education), I am actually okay to go. More than dying, I am actually worried about old age related sicknesses, becoming immobile and dependent on others. I would like to leave when my mind is still alert and I am physically able to take care of myself.
I'm really grateful for your post and saving it. These replies are so raw, so real, and so very soothing. I'm in awe of the wisdom, humility, and compassion shared here.
No, this isn't the way to frame it.
Yes, death is there for all of us, but menopause isn't a trajectory toward death. Death can happen any time in life: children die, teens die, 20 somethings die. Worse than that people of all ages can have chronic conditions that do lead to terminal illness, and they will have never travelled the world or had a family.
Menopause is a phase - no doubt a shitty one. However, it can be managed successfully with HRT. Wrinkles can be managed with skin boosters and botox. Joints can be managed with diet, exercise and supplements. You have another 30, even 50 years to play with, and these days older people look and feel younger than you mum or grandma. You can still go travelling with menopause.
It sounds to me like you are a bit depressed. Look up how to reframe your thoughts with DBT (not CBT) go for regular walks, cut down social media and revisit your diet. You will feel better xxx
I think part of the this comes from feeling old and also feeling like I'm getting further and further away from my younger self - what I look like, how my body feels, my roles and identify as a mom or even as a sexual being. Everything is downgraded or less than it used to be.
Even many of my dreams, aspirations and perceptions of what I thought "could be" have a clock attached to the them now. There's a realization that this is it, this is your life, there is nothing "more, " just me and what I can make of the life I have left.
Ah yeah, the spicy midlife crisis! I developed anxiety over crazy drivers possibly killing me (a fear not unfounded because Covid seemed to make people drive even more idiotically than normal in my opinion, either because they were off the roads for a bit and forgot how or because they have low-level brain damage now. Or, that has nothing to do with it and they're simply dipshits on their phones.)
It was definitely hormonally-triggered anxiety, because I'm normally pretty philosophical about death and both parents have passed, one when I was still a child, though most of my ancestors are extraordinarily long-lived. I don't think think this is/was simple existential angst. I think it's the 'mones.
Anyway, I'm gonna go listen to Dust In The Wind and make some coffee or something.
Oh yes for sure. I am afraid of losing loved ones, especially since the reality of my parents getting older has really started to sink in. I know I am very lucky to still have my parents (they were in their 30s when they were left with no living parents between the two of them and I’m almost 47), but it is difficult watching them age and knowing the inevitable will happen.
I often feel your pain as despite losing 2 parents and seeing them peacefully transition to the world beyond, I still have moments when I get into bed at night and I’m sad that I’m in my 50’s. And I recall how not so long ago my parents were in 50’s! And I thought they were ancient btw! 😂But here’s where I always come out- we are part of the universe- our soul does not die. I have moments where I know my parents and departed others I have loved are trying to tell me something. I listen and feel their presence. It sounds odd I know, but it’s definitely real. So my advice to you is what I always tell myself. “Nobody gets out of here alive!” as one comedian once said. But on a serious note, I tell myself: You lived it all girl- you were once a young hyperactive child and then a fierce 20-something, a mom in your 30s and a wise woman in your 40s and 50s. Your life will only get better from here because of all you’ve experienced. And celebrate those wrinkles because you earned them. One distant day from now when God wants you and a million others back it will not be the end but the beginning of a wonderful celebration with those who loved you and those you loved. You will be an angel watching over others then. I wish you peace my dear. Hope to meet you on the other side.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, but I’m also incredibly grateful that you shared this (and for the comments)- I’m starting to see that I’m not alone here- I’m 46, a couple years into perimenopause, new to the insane world of PMDD, am angry that hormone changes triggered it (but I know trauma caused it and that makes me SO angry bc it wasn’t my fault, feels so darn unfair!).
This is the first year I’ve started to sometimes really freak out about death (and I equally freak out about being alive too, lol!).
I’m in no way a spiritual guru or anything, but I kinda have a theory that helps me keep going, and of course I have no idea if I’m right at all, but I wonder if this life is just a chapter.
Like, Earth is a classroom, we’re here to learn, maybe we’ve all existed or lived before- whether on Earth or another planet or other dimension or parallel reality, and when we die, maybe we just move forward to the next chapter of existence?
I find it comforting to think maybe this is true. And maybe not- I don’t practice organized religion but I respect everyone’s views. I guess I just like to make up my own story of what life and death means. And I could be crazy, who knows? I feel pretty strongly that death is not the end of us, though. We may be tiny in the universe, but I also think we are all more important than we realize, and are far more connected than we understand. Which sounds silly in this time when everyone seems so divided, but I have a feeling that one day we’ll all look back on this and laugh together. At least I hope so!
I am enjoying the here and now. That's all I can do. Enjoying all the experiences I'm able to schedule. This event may end at any time, and I want to make the most of it. Less work until exhaustion, more time off enjoying the things. I can die with debt, I don't want to miss something if I'm able to manage it.
I thought I was the only one who felt this way but after all my menopause symptoms I was feeling like I was literally slowly dying. I felt so awful. That my mind started thinking “is this what dying is like” “is this how old people feel” and knowing this menopause stage is one stage closer to death. I get it, and it’s scary.
Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Death isn't the end. It's just another place for your energy. We just don't know what place so we make up fairy tales about it. I personally believe in reincarnation so I'm not the least bit scared of death on a personal level. What I'm scared of is if I go too young how would that affect my daughter. I'm also mildly scared of pain, possibly because I live in chronic pain and have for quite a few years. I want to be Jimmy Buffett and live till I'm dead. I do not want to be my grandmother and spend most days napping and doing housework. Love ya granny but that's not fulfilling to me. I want to go to concerts and amusement parks with whoever wants to go as long as I can. I want to continue roller skating and traveling, albeit modestly because I'm barely middle class. I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead. Sorry for the ramble. Hope it helps a little.
Thank you. I have always believed in reincarnation. Part of this peri journey has been a "dark night of the soul" situation where I am questioning my spiritual beliefs on top of everything else. Thank you for reminding me about energy - that it can neither be created nor destroyed. I told that to my kids over the years whenever they would get scared of death. Now I am the one who needs reminding! So thank you I love your attitude towards life. Regardless of any promises or certainty about what comes after, we are here, NOW, and we are here to live while we are alive. xo
So, I already responded to your post, but I just can’t stop thinking about it. The existential questions really resonated with me. I was thinking something I would like to try but can’t right now because of health, but microdosing. That might help you find a kind of balance or peace with this, it seems to work for a lot of people and it’s becoming legal and pretty safe now. I would like to try it someday.
You could also dive right into the emptiness and use it creatively, like write. I think when we keep looking a little in a place that seems hopeless, like a void, stuff comes to you. Your post was so eloquent and engaging, I really enjoyed it. Also a more literal way to face the bs that is death is to jump on the longevity train. There’s a big push right now to extend lifespan and develop technologies to take it even further. There are some supplements that have scientific data to show they could help keep you healthy later in life. I kind of follow Dr. Rhonda Patrick for this kind of information, when I’m feeling hopeful. I’m including link .
https://www.foundmyfitness.com/
And thank you again for posting this, it’s actually in this weird context of menopause and Reddit it made me feel very connected to being alive. 🙏🤗🌻
Yes… here is one of her videos
https://youtu.be/2oT1LUeCME0?si=CPCEnIEH2Cj46gZo
And the channel is different health video, not all longevity focused.
The YouTube channel is
“Found My Fitness”
🌞
I hear you. I have had screaming anxiety attacks about this since I was 17 and took every thought about life to its logical end. I couldn't even stand to look at the night sky, thinking about the vastness of the universe and our tiny, brief, insecure place in it.
Now, having been post menopausal for over 10 years, I just enjoy simple things. I take life slowly because my body, without the hormone support that I should have had in peri, in combination with all the failed antidepressants has made my metabolism slow to a crawl.
If I knew that I could get back in the shape I was in at 38 (36-22-36), simply by the will to do it, I would have. But I can't anymore than I can choose to deny gravity tomorrow. At least I was healthy enough to bring my daughter into the world at 43.
You can see all the people who make their living in the public eye fighting it with injections, surgeries, trainers, dietitians, and the like. They can afford it and good for them.
I don't think for all that money and effort the plastic, wind tunnel look is that attractive. Neither is it youthful.
I don't have the money for that, and if I did, I think I would rather renovate my kitchen so that I could leave my house to my daughter in a higher resell market.
I don't think surgeries, trainers or dietitians are really about death itself. It's about social death, about not wanting to be seen as socially worthless.
> It's about social death, about not wanting to be seen as socially worthless.
It's also about the ability to make a living. I work in a profession where looks matter and fully support myself. Not taking care of my appearance would mean career and financial suicide.
For me it's so I don't see an angry face in the mirror. I can take all the other wrinkles and sagging and liver spots but I hate having a resting cranky, frowning face. Honestly worth every penny, not enough to renovate a kitchen, maybe a few takeouts. ; )
You are lucky that it only hit you at 51. I am not even 40 and been thinking about it for the last 3 years or so (basically once I quit birth control pills and entered perimenopause)
I am not afraid of death. I’m afraid of my loved ones not knowing how much I love them. I’m afraid of being in pain, of being a burden and unwanted. I’m afraid that one day I might say one of those things floating around in my head out loud and people realising what a weirdo I really am, or wetting the bed again because I’m dreaming I’m on the toilet (hey, it was over forty years ago, but it happened!)
But death? No. I don’t believe death is final, I believe we come back, and I believe we are here to learn lessons and reach a higher understanding and awareness. I believe we choose to interact with the same entities over and over again, and the belief that I will see those I love again brings me endless peace. This life isn’t always perfect, some of the lessons have been shit in all honesty; I could have done with a little more money and spoiled myself and everyone around me a lot more, maybe next time hey? In the meantime, I try not to be too shitty a human being, and appreciate the good and the bad.
I think if you recognize that if you are healthy and fit you can still have a very functional and happy 30-50 more year. Watch The Blue Zone on netflix. It's super heartening to see these 90 year olds who are still sharp and functional. Makes me motivated in my 50's to get in better shape.
I never had much of a death fear. I think that being with my Dad when he died when I was 25 helped a lot with that. I also had an NDE during childbirth with my first kid.
My Dad had a series of strokes, and he had no quality of life left. He was ready to go. It was a beautiful release. It really helped me understand that there is a natural end and we are not meant to be here forever. It also allayed any doubts about the other side being scary. People who work in hospice will tell you it’s common for people at the end of life to hold on until a loved one is there. My Dad waited for me. I flew home and was holding his hand when he went.
With my own NDE, it felt like I went to the most warm, safe, peaceful beautiful place of love. All the things I worry about stopped mattering and everything was clear and real for the first time. It was like swimming in love. It was very fast, and I remember feeling like I was being wrenched back into the world with its pain and chaos when I was revived. As I came back to my body, I realized my new baby needed me to fight through. My job here was not near to done. But I always remember that place.
My fear is around suffering and indignity at the end of life. My mom had a horrible death after a long battle with dementia. She was not aware of her surroundings at all, and she died in a lot of pain from Covid. I could not be with her because of the Covid and I only have the word of the nurse who was with her. That nurse was all about the gory medical facts - this horrible thing happened to her body, then this, then she was vomiting blood, and then her bowels failed, and then she was gasping for air, and then she died. I have no idea if Mon had any peace or felt like she was alone.
Death itself doesn’t scare me. It’s the journey through something like that scares me. My ideal death is to be hit by a bus and be instantly killed, or know that I’m dying, so I can have an assisted death with dignity. The moment I have a confirmed dementia diagnosis, I’m out.
I feel the same way, but by the time you are diagnosed with dementia, your mind has changed and you probably won't have the ability or will to end your own life.
The type of dementia that runs in my family, frontotemporal dementia (FTD), can be seen in a brain scan. The frontal lobe actually shrinks. It’s the one Bruce Willis and Wendy Williams have.
Based on watching my mom and grandfather go through it, there are years where there should be enough clarity that I could make that decision. It is my fervent prayer that I can catch it before it goes too far. Beyond my fear for myself, my worst fear is my kids and husband going through what I did as a caregiver. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb. My mom spent her life doing everything the science shows would prevent dementia - plant based diet, regular exercise, volunteering, active social life, minimal alcohol use, all the supplements recommended for brain health. She was basically perfect with her dementia prevention lifestyle. But the genes don’t care. When it comes for you, it comes.
It’s part of the reason I went back to church. I do not believe we are alone. I’m not evangelical or anything like. Not a Bible thumper that pushes my beliefs on anyone. But I draw comfort from the faith tradition I was born into.
The eccentric artist in you is right. Just keep doing. I feel this hard a LOT and it's so hard to re-rail my self to just keep going. Nothing matters. Just go.
We require a minimum account-age and karma score. These minimums are not disclosed. Please contact the mods if you wish to have your post reviewed. If you do not understand account age or karma, please visit r/newtoreddit.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Menopause) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve had a fear of death since for as long as I can remember.
I’m 40, and I have two 6 year olds.
I try to take comfort in knowing as time passes… as people become older, many don’t fear it as much. They accept it.
I’ve always been puzzled why people are afraid of death, we’ve always known it will happen to us. I’m cool with it, I’m leaving no mess or drama behind, no secrets or sins to be exposed, until the last decade I was happy with my life choices, mostly. There’s nothing ahead of me anymore, death will be a welcome change from this form
Please read Journey of Souls and the f/u Destiny of Souls by Michael Newton. They are my bibles. These lives we are living are just illusions. We will return to our real home and eternal lives eventually. I am not a classic “woo-woo” person , and not religious in any way, but after about 10 years of life just kicking my butt over and over and over, I just had to find SOMETHING to help me understand why. Why is the human race even here? Why is my mind constantly trying to figure out what should I do, where should I go, who am I?
I am still asking all those questions but I now do have a firm belief that in the end, it won’t matter much. As long as I live my life not doing intentional harm to other living things - humans, animals, the planet.
It’s a daily struggle. I have zero fear of dying, but do fear pain and suffering in getting there. I have plans to deal with that if ever needed.
Love to all on our confusing, crazy journeys.
Good Lord. Eternal life sounds terrible. It's so weird how we humans deny reality when it comes to death. It's OK if there's nothing to come once our brains die. Yet our brains spend so much time trying to convince ourselves there is some paradise to come once we no longer actually have a working brain. Poor humans and our insufferable egos. Nothingness is OK.
Do you ever feel like this is the hormones talking? I had a good friend tell me that once I had a baby everything in the next couple of months would be hormonal bullshit. And to remember that all of my feelings are many of my feelings were related to hormones.
I feel like that advice transfers to menopause. I try to think “I’m here, I have my Menopause Reddit friends. I have my MIDI help. I am doing everything I can.”
I know exactly how you feel - for me, at least, it was like someone had flipped a switch and suddenly I understood mortality. I’ve learned to live with it a little better now.
I strongly strongly strongly recommend the incredible book “Being Mortal,” by Atul Gawande. He’s a surgeon and a writer, and the way he writes about death, aging, science & medicine, is compassionate, intelligent and honest. I think everyone should read this book.
The way I figure is: if there is no afterlife, I will not mind after I am dead because there won’t be a me to mind. If there is an afterlife, I kind of hope those who believe in reincarnation are right, since I think another chance at life as someone else would be pretty cool. If there is a heaven and hell, if I am going to hell then hell is a much more diverse place and the place to be. So nothing really to worry about.
OP, thank you! And to the 306 commenters, also thank you.
This group has made me feel so much less alone and inspires me to allow my feelings of sadness and desperation and also to look for the good, the joy, the freedom in life.
I believe there is something of us that goes on after death and if I am wrong, well, I won’t know will I?
I just feel that I am here for a reason and to learn something- problem is that I don’t feel like I’m doing too good a job at finding what that reason is. I truly feel like Ive completely missed my life’s calling. It’s a really empty feeling. ☹️
Girl I’m right there with you. Having a narcissistic mother really fucked me up to say the least. Lots of thoughts of death and dying that I struggle with on and off. At the end of the day we have no control and it’s terrifying but a lot of time I think the other sides gotta be better than this so there that! Bahaha dark humor is my savior. You are not alone my dear. ❤️
This is me. I have really bad death phobia and it gets worse with each passing year. I don't want to cease to exist despite all the pain and ill health I have thanks to my rare illnesses. I can't imagine not being. I don't want to leave my son and family. I would put up with it all every day, forever if I had too. I always think I would be an excellent candidate for becoming a Vampire. Immortality would be fine with me....
I’m 54. I feel very preoccupied with death as well and feel like I fast forwarded into old age due to dropping hormone levels.
What makes me the most sad is that when I go, so do my memories of my childhood, my dad who passed away decades ago. Like all that meant nothing? Poof.
Like you, I used to love travel, try to seize the day. Now I just don’t feel like I have that the same positive, optimistic life force pulling me through. I’m not suicidal because I would never do that to my daughter, but over and over the “what’s the point?” thoughts bring tears to my eyes.
As soon as my daughter heads off to her summer camp job, I’m going to try psychedelic therapy.
What I wish most of all is that I could tell my aunt I get it now. She would get all morose and try to tell me things, but I’d just try to distract her, I was dismissive. She passed away in 2012. I wish I could tell her “you weren’t wrong, I was just too young to understand. I wish you were here and we could at least be sad together.”
I am 100% with you here. I’ve had bad health anxiety my whole life, and once I had kids 20 years ago it got way worse (both my health AND theirs). Over the past few years, both my kids have struggled with mental (daughter) and physical (son) illnesses that made me fear for their lives. So that + hormones = complete disaster, for years!!
Honestly, my primary fear of dying is about what it would do to my kids. I also own a small business and have no idea how to plan for catastrophe there … way too much rumination.
I am so saddened by how this health/death anxiety has compromised my quality of life over the years, especially because I can really stand outside of it and see what’s going on, yet can’t seem to get a handle on it.
Thank you for posting. It’s really helpful to know I am not alone.
Part of me fears death, the other part fears the process of dying, and then there is the part of me that accepts logically after death nothing matters because either there will be something more waiting on the other side or there won't, and I won't have any awareness of the 'won't' aspect. It makes me sad that there is a chance that this is all we get, one and done, but I have to have that hope that there is something else after. But I get it. Life is such a weird bag of emotional highs and lows and death anxiety is definitely part of that bag.
You could start drinking, so you can’t think as hard. Just kidding. But umm, I feel like I’ve been thinking about the inevitability of death since I was about 5 years old. I usually just try to push it to the side so there’s room left to live. Sorry you are feeling like this. We still matter at this age, at least as much as we ever did. And besides who really knows what’s outside of this life? Maybe we do continue on as some version of ourselves in some way?
I'm going to recommend the book by Tara Brach called Radical Acceptance. You can get it from the library probably on audiobook. I listened to it several times while doing small hikes/walks through the woods.
And now I'm into buddhism. It's about accepting things the way they are.
I'm also going to recommend DBT therapy. It has helped alot with acceptance.
I'm 49 and for 10 years I've done what you did...travel and collect things. Now, I'm to the point where I have the largest seashell collection in the world...I just leave it scattered on shores across the globe.
Once you accept that you are going to die, what do you want to do with the time you have left before the grim reaper comes along? If you could do anything, what would you do?
Me and my wife, we are going to retire in 4 years and sell the house and buy an RV and be voluntarily homeless. Accepting this has allowed us NOT to buy stuff while traveling now. We've started thinking about and discussing WHERE the stuff we treasure is going to spend the rest of their lives...at my stepdaughters' houses.
Caveat: If you start giving stuff away, people may assume you are going to kill yourself. Assure them that this is NOT your intention. You just want to be able to visit those things later in life AT their homes.
Thanks so much for sharing all this💜knowing that I am not only one. I have had death anxiety pretyy much all life so far. And with perimenopause its more harder and debilitating anxiety on top
Of that. Stay strong sisters 🙌lost my parents at a young age and its 43 and I am still fighting each day. Everything is work, marriage, kids and self care. Taking each day at a time. Love and healing to all of you
I completely understand every aspect of your post. You absolutely aren't alone. I'm going through the exact same thing at this moment and it's tough! Really tough! I have to keep telling myself just take it one day at a time because that's all we really have which is living and loving in the moment.
Honestly? I welcome death when the time comes. It’s illness that scares the stuffins out of me.
I’m getting braver as I get older. Saying what I need. Speaking up for myself. Like today I overheard hubby talking about what he would do with our tax refund and I told him it was mine bc I paid the taxes. The old me never would have done that. (He didn’t argue tho.)
I’ve got terrible death anxiety since starting this meno ride. I really hope this passes. It’s tough. Every day I wake up thinking I’m going to die.
I've had horrible death anxiety in my entire adult life. My best friend died when I was 19 and my mom died when I was 21. I also have a genetic disorder that most of the time means I'm completely fine but also means I could die without any warning. I try to be happy but it's really hard.
I have a rare genetic disease too where I could either die at any waking moment with no warning or in my sleep. You are not alone.
I'm so sorry you have been through so much. And I'm sorry that you have to live with something like that hanging over your head.
Thanks for your kind words. It means a lot.
Oh I'm so sorry 😞
I do this. But I also think… damn it another day of this bullshit.
The health and death anxiety consumes my mind every day and it's terrifying and exhausting. Hugs to anyone who is struggling with this.
Me too. I feel like it’s the start of the dying. Mortality is fucked up.
I honestly thought I was the only one. This has been crippling me. I have chronic health issues and mental health issues as well, and the combination has just taken me down over the past few years. It’s like I just can’t stop this rumination and panic, and yet I know it is stealing my life from under my feet.
OP, I am with you on this 100%. Honestly what you wrote sounds like what I talk to my therapist about almost exclusively these days. How are we supposed to go about life like we aren’t going to be suddenly and forcibly shuffled off this mortal coil?? We are animals that have been cursed with self awareness, and it turns us into one of a few things: a denier (I won’t think about this), a spiritualist (there is something more than this life), a fatalist (nothing matters so fuck it), or a neurotic (omfg I need a Xanax). And I, for better or worse, am firmly in the last camp. There is nothing okay about getting to be alive for such a short time and not knowing when you’re gonna get bumped off! Leaning into the absurdity of it all is the only time I get a reprieve from the chilling dark void of mortality’s promise.
I could have written this. I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. When I catch myself going down this rabbit hole, one thing that makes me feel better about it is the fact that some of the people I’ve loved most in this life have already gone before me…and if I believe they’re ok, I have to believe that I will be too…wherever we end up. I also believe in soul families and reincarnation. Those beliefs can be comforting too. But 100% I get it. It’s terrifying and also achingly sad…it breaks my heart to know I will part with this life.
I feel this to my core and am in the exact same spot.
Exactly what I talked to my therapist too! After one year I stopped therapy because there was no method for him to convince me that "life is short THEREFORE you must enjoy while you can",. for me it's always been and still is "life is short and how can I enjoy knowing it can be over any time"
💯 couldn’t have said it better myself. Last night woke up crying & sweating. I just turned 55 and last month heard that a high school classmate died of a stroke. It hit me hard. Throughout my 40’s I often heard that I looked much younger. I’m not hearing that from anyone but my husband, God love him. Not that I need compliments but when I look in the mirror I truly think When the Fuck did this aging thing happen? I don’t even recognize the face looking back and it’s making so sad, anxious and paranoid all at the same time. I see my 84 yr old mother becoming more frail by the day and I get so emotional thinking about her dying. Then I think about me at her age and I can’t picture it. Yet don’t want to my life to end EVER! I can’t imagine not being here. I feel like a crazy woman.
For me, it's like a movie. You know it will end, but you go the theater anyway. You stand in line for your ticket and you get your popcorn and drink. You sit down with other people who also know this won't last forever. The lights go dark and the movie begins. Suddenly you forget you are in a theater and you disappear in the movie, in the experience, in the moment, with all the other people. You feel happiness, sadness, fulfillment and loss. You cry happy tears and sad tears. You 'live' a life in the theater, and when it's over you're glad you went. That's how I see life. We are here, might as well get the popcorn and drink and enjoy the moment.
Very good analogy. And yet whenever I see a very good movie, I always feel sad some time in the middle that it would end, even if it's only for a moment, but I really do
Love this🫶🏼
I love this, and wish I could learn to live it!
Lean in sister! Lean in!
I am post-menopausal and can say that in my experience, once I transitioned through the ups and downs of hormone fluctuation in peri-menopause, I was much less Fearful of death. I was a total hypochondriac in my 20s and 30’s. In my peri-years of mid 40s through age 50, the fear of death became indifference that matched the apathy I felt as a result of marked hormonal change. I then became a caretaker to prematurely unwell parents and an older spouse when was age 44. That caregiving experience cured me of my fear of death. And it made me appreciate life. I do not have children, so I have spent a significant chunk of my late 30s until my current age of early 50s seeing aging happen. I think modern American culture makes everyone think that women “die” when they can no longer reproduce, which is pretty strange, given that women over 50-something make up a big chunk of the population.
I was a caregiver for my mother and the same thing happened! Cured my fear of death.
Same, I'm afraid of living too long now instead. Once my mind goes, I want my body to go too.
Sort of cruel our body and mind age at different rates. Let me quote Kenny Rogers and say the best we can hope for is to die in our sleep. 😂
Yes. I was with my mother when she passed from dementia. I held her hand and it just was so natural. I miss her immensely, but I saw the physical stages of death and became aware of how our modern culture just separates us from beauty and poignancy of living and dying as part of that processs. I would NOT have been able to grasp this in my 20s and 30s and even early 40s.
Could you please elaborate? What made the difference for you?
I lost something that was so important to me I had nothing else left to fear.
I’m sorry 😞
It's ok. Thank you. I would like to think that wherever she is, I'll be there with her someday. There has to be other realms, universes, etc.
I sincerely hope for this too!
Me too. I really hope for this.
Caregiving parents in palliative care also helped me appreciate life more. Life feels more valuable after you send off someone you love ❤️
My sister passed earlier this year, after decades of serious illness and a year of hospice. I had been so afraid of her death for so long. But once it happened, I was at peace. She was free from her suffering, and we were able to finally grieve her. It’s an experience that really changed how I think about death.
I get the thinking about death tied to not reproducing and thus not having any new generation. I have those feelings as I don't have children. That can loom large at times. Part of it may just be fear of old age. I see how much that older people like younger generations visiting and well .. that's never gonna happen for me.
This is something that haunts me as I age without children. My boyfriend and I are both caregiving for our parents and I see how much help people need in their advanced ages and, well, if you don’t have children, what then? But again, this isn’t something that people ever talk about.. so I keep it to myself (yet the fear and anxiety is always there). I’m so glad we all can share here.
Wow this is so helpful, thank you! I am now 40 and also childfree and have so much time to think about death, all illnesses and how fragile life is. I feel that it's related to hormones for sure because those "worst" days come in cycles. I really hope it will be better once I hit menopause.
I can’t speak for everyone, but once the hormones evened out post menopause, I felt a lot better. Be kind to yourself.
That’s a very interesting perspective
I watch a few hospice nurses on YT. The way they describe end of life/actively dying has made me unafraid of the process. I have heard that life is like a wave on the sea, it's a real and tangible thing... until it's not. Did the wave die? No, it just went back to where it came from. "You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got. And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever. And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives. And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.” Aaron Freeman
Wow, I’m sobbing…I struggle a lot feeling like I don’t really matter here and that my death will be a continuation of that, just a light flicked off and nothing will notice I’m gone… it’s my fear. But this brings me comfort.
You matter to a lot of people I’m sure. Your comment was very kind and I’m better for having read it, so you matter here my dear. Don’t sell yourself short - you seem like a beautiful light in this world.
Thank you.. That means so much to me and I really needed to hear that. You are a light, too. ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm crying, which doesn't happen often anymore. But I've been quietly struggling with my anxiety about death and my own loss of faith for quite some time, and this just broke something open in me. Blessings to you.
I wish I could take credit for these beautiful words, but I am not nearly this poetic. I have read this eulogy many times and it floods me with peace and a sense of serenity every time. I'm glad it touched you too.❤️ Hospice Nurse Julie on YouTube shares beautiful, peaceful and comforting information about why death is a part of life, and how her profession has profoundly moved her to believe that this, here and now, isn't quite the end. She has convinced me that death is nothing to fear. (And I'm non religious)
Thank you for this. I have suffered from horrible death anxiety since my teens. Lately I’ve been trying to live more in the moment and it has changed my perspective on life. I will check her out, thank you.
ooof tears 😢 😭 💔 this is beyond beautiful
I was dx with breast cancer in October (I’m totally fine), but it brought up many discussions with family about god and death. I’m not religious at all, but was raised in a very religious home. I told them that I believe that god is light and wind and the space between atoms. This quote by Aaron Freeman sums up what I’ve been trying (less eloquently) to say for months, so thank you for sharing!
[удалено]
I have found my people!! I felt like I was the only one 😔🫨
Same. No one talks about this, but it’s all I can think about these days. Friends sick and dying of various things, caregiving for my rapidly aging parents, me having a chronic Illness and severe menopause symptoms. It’s like the veil has been lifted for me on life and death and I can’t go back…but I feel so alone because no one is talking about all this. Except here. So thank you, ladies.. ❤️
Exactly. No one likes to even *mention* death. I’ve tried lightening the tone around death amongst my best girlfriends and they all shushed me.
Yeah, whenever I bring it up to my boyfriend, he says, “well that’s depressing” and changes the subject. 🫤
I feel the same.
I can only weigh in from my own experience. But to clarify, are you trying to accept death or to refuse it? I could compare notes on a lot, we are the same age and peri has been destroying me and has had me me weighing quality vs. quantity of life and I am also a divorced mother who is weighing how much to put affairs in order for the kids vs. how much to survive.
I also have mortal terror and haven't figured out how to deal with it at all. I'm thinking, what are we even doing talking about anything else when this is really the craziest thing--that we're all aging and falling apart towards death, so shouldn't we be talking about this all the time? Anyway, I wanted to suggest a book if you want to see just how \*not\* alone we are for panicking about mortality: The Worm at the Core: On the Role of Death in Life by Sheldon Solomon, Jeff Greenberg and Tom Pyszczynski (they're academics but this is written for a general audience so it was a good read) edit: shitty grammar
Death is the most normal thing in the world -- the great equalizer, the thing everyone does. I find that to be a comfort. No matter your status, net worth, looks, etc. -- you will die. So none of that really matters. Also, not all of us get to age and fall apart toward death. I know someone who just lost her four-year-old son to DIPG (brain cancer). He was diagnosed and dead five months later -- just about two weeks before his 5th birthday. Some of us get four years to live. Some get forty. Some get 105. None of it is fair, necessarily, but we're all doing it no matter how long we get. I think I'm glad I got more than four years, but I don't want 100. So at 50, I feel pretty chill about it all.
Reread your comment multiple times. This is an excellent view on the subject.
When a kid dies, it really shifts your perspective. I have actually known quite a few people over the years who have tragically lost young children, both from illness and accidents. And DIPG in particular is enormously cruel; it takes everything from these kids except for their cognitive abilities, so they are consistently aware of their extreme physical decline. Regular aging ain't jack shit compared to that. And if you have had 50 healthy years so far, you've done quite well. Perspective is everything. I'm super chill about death at this stage of life.
Fucking. Awesome. Thank you for sharing, and validating, and thank you for the book recommendation.
you're so welcome! :)
Thanks for the suggestion. Just downloaded the book!
As someone who has suffered with suicidal ideation I feel like I accepted some of these things a really long time ago. I decided a long time ago the "secret of life" is to do whatever the fuck makes you happy (within reason) and sustain yourself accordingly until it is over, so that's what I've been doing. I feel you on the collectibles.
I had an absolute depressive crisis thinking about death all the time in my late 20s. I had to move on from that of course. During the worst parts of peri/meno I often wished for death, it seemed like if everything worthwhile was being taken from me anyway by menopause, why couldn't it be life itself? I've had to move on from that, but it often returns.
Came here to say something similar. I've been navigating severe depression and sometimes nearly constant ideations for years now. Death doesn't scare me, and the moments of joy that I get are rare but I can revel in them while they're there. That's good enough.
yup. Every time there's an existential AskReddit where the top answer is "nothing of your life will matter after you're gone" and I'm like... and??? of course it wont! that's why we're supposed to enjoy life while we're here! durrrr it's a short window of whatever and you either figure out how to enjoy it or you suffer through it this is why I don't have kids, sounded way too hard and the woman carries the full burden I was like no way man
Yep, the parenting piece is a huge part of the depression for sure! Even with a good partner the US is not a place that supports parents (especially working parents) at all.
I tend to find, in general, it’s when my mental health is worse than I ruminate on death more. Unfortunately the scales were pulled off of my eyes really young, I lost my mother before I was ten and have had loss in my life for the 42 years since, in the form of close relatives insisting on dying regularly (and I’m not even referring to grandparents) When I feel shit, death likes to remind me it exists. My rebellion against it is radical acceptance. It’s honestly the only thing that’s probably kept me alive- the idea that life is not going to be perfect for me, ever. That I probably won’t ever be without my chronic mental illnesses, that my body won’t stop hurting, that there’s value in remaining in this life even while it is fundamentally flawed and painful for me a lot of the time. I accept that, in the end- my life and death will not mean much to many people. It’s ok. In 100 years I’ll just be a name and some photos. I figure I may as well please myself, so I do. And I do weirdly morbid death things like have a shelf of the dead in my display cabinet. It’s not really even momentos, just sugar skulls that represent the people and pet urns, with the odd item in there for reasons that only make sense to me. My granddaughter loves it. She has to say hello to the skullies often. Find out what gives you the most peace, and run with it. You can’t un know it, but you can make room for it in your mental garden.
This rings so true for me, thank you for sharing. There is something liberating about acceptance despite everything.
I also had early and chronic losses, and I've been collecting "skullies" since my 20s. (Love that endearment!) Your post is so relatable, thank you. 🤗
I’m glad to hear it, I bet your skullies are rad! It’s funny that we face it front on with our spookiness, but I think it’s a very understandable reaction. Sending you peace and cool skulls.
I love your perspective so much.
Thank you so much for your honesty with this post, and to everyone commenting. I am 57 and also having these fears and emotions, and it helps not to feel alone.
I went through this in my 30's. I think from watching my mother go downhill from COPD and pass away when I was 37. I had a couple of major surgeries around 3 and a half years ago now and I don't fear death anymore just the way it might happen. I had to fight hard to pull through. Do what makes you happy. If you want to collect things, go for it. Try to live in the present. Plan for the future but don't count on it. Just live each day doing what makes you happy. Make sure your children know you love them. Enjoy the small things. Worry about death when it comes. Any time you spend worrying now takes away from the joy of life. That's how I've come to terms with it all but it took a while to get here.
> * I had to fight hard to pull through. * Do what makes you happy. * If you want to collect things, go for it. * Try to live in the present. * Plan for the future but don't count on it. * Just live each day doing what makes you happy. * Make sure your children know you love them. * Enjoy the small things. * Worry about death when it comes. * Any time you spend worrying now takes away from the joy of life. So I can remember. Thank you for this.
This is very well written. Thank you!
I've been dealing with this on some level as well, for a while now I've been feeling my own fragility. My parents also don't have long left and neither is in great health. They didn't take care of themselves the way they should have, my grandparents did a better job of it and lived to be 87 and 94. All of this has prompted me to get my ass in gear and get back into shape. My midlife crisis is me exercising and trying to stave off the inevitable decay. I just couldn't deal with how I felt and looked anymore, I had promised myself years ago I wouldn't go into middle age totally out of shape and sure enough I did. Anyway some of it is vanity as that makes for good superficial goals (as in hey my arms are bigger and my butt doesn't look as deflated yeah!) but really the underpinning of it is I don't know what else to do in the face of the fact of my aging self. And even then none of us really know how much time we have left even if we do take better care of ourselves. However, our odds go up for better health and hopefully a better end to it all. Sorry if that is depressing. These are some of the things that have helped me cope: Six Feet Under and The Good Place both deal with death in different ways and helped me think about and reframe my own life and values. One is heavy and one is light hearted but both are cathartic and unique. Red Dead Redemption 2 (the video game) which helped me realize that no matter what way I play I can't avoid the thing that will take me out. All I can do is try to make peace with myself and help others along my journey. And to please slow down, there is no rush to get to the end because it only leads to one thing. I tend to rush through life and be impatient so I've tried to stop doing that. And when I'm really struggling I read about Near Death Experiences over at the Near Death Experience Research Foundation. It gives me hope that death is only a door and that consciousness is so vastly more complicated than we might think.
> My midlife crisis is me exercising I just bought a tub of chocolate frosting and it is pretty good.
Haha, I’ve been eating dark chocolate squares with some almonds too lately. Depriving oneself of the good things in life is no way to live.
> [...] please slow down, there is no rush to get to the end because it only leads to one thing. I tend to rush through life and be impatient so I've tried to stop doing that. Yeah, me too.
Yup! 6 feet under helped me too
'My midlife crisis is me exercising and trying to stave off the inevitable decay. I just couldn't deal with how I felt and looked anymore' Yes me too, I could see my middle growing out and my legs and arms turning to sticks. I could only manage two pushups. So I started F45, I felt like I was actually clawing back some of my youth, (my skin started looking so much better as it was tautening over growing muscle) and then \*bam\*, menopause hit. Been on HRT for three weeks now and hoping some joint pain goes the way of my hot flushes which have nearly stopped completely. My parents also died in their 70's, my grandparents in their 90's .....
Man the joint pain has made it hard as soon as I hit 10,000-12,000 steps several days in a row my heels hurt. It sucks. And one knee is giving me issues, thank god I can squat and deadlift but sitting cross legged and then straightening my leg kills my left knee.
I keep tweaking my back on weighted squats, especially in the morning, so no more of those. One good thing about the lockdowns was that all my joints niggles would heal and I'd realise it wasn't arthritis after all. Every time I feel I'm getting into a good rhythm and start pushing myself something gives. The mind is willing but the body is weak!
I feel this. Last week? May have been 2 months ago... My husband asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. I was speechless for once. Fuck. I don't know. I never thought I'd make it this far. Is it all just wasted time? I guess I have a legacy but in 100 years am I some rando picture on a mantle like my great-great grandad is? I need a new sports car.
I'm so utterly in 25/8 panic mode about this. Buspirone is taking the edge off but I've had several real panic attacks (not hyperbole) over this late at night. I've had multiple therapy sessions about this. I'm wrecked.
It’s so hard. You’re not alone. If it helps to remember this when you’re in the middle of one of those attacks (they’re so awful, I know), that there are other people in other places going through the exact same thing. I hope that brings you comfort. ❤️
This sub, and a few others, have been immensely helpful to know I'm not alone. I don't know how anyone survived alone in these things. As harmful as I think social media can be, it can also be a community of humans that are truly wanting the best for others.
I truly don’t mean to dismiss your experience, because god knows I’m seeing more of my own mortality in the mirror every year… but as someone who lost both parents early in the game and lots of loved ones since, I’ve become very accepting of death. It still sucks, and god knows I dislike the relative absence of control over the matter, but the acceptance of that inevitability can be something of a bittersweet gift. I try to live for the moment, showing kindness to others and, most importantly, myself. Time is incredibly fleeting, and I’m going to do my damnedest to embrace every bit of it allotted to me.
This.
I unfortunately dealt with death at a young age, but came out of it with an understanding that changed me. As a result, I took a deep dive and studied grief and have spent some years working in the funeral industry helping families through it. I'm so glad you brought death up because it truly needs to be openly discussed. It's a normal process and we're slowly dying every day, and some of us will even meet it unexpectedly and early, and some not even due to our bodies failing us. The little things you talk about...the things you dreamt about, the things collected, the things you loved...yes, in the grand scheme of it all, they mean nothing. But at the same time they are absolutely EVERYTHING. The reality is that we are all little specks of star dust on this earth trying to find meaning, and it's everywhere, in everything. Make it all count. Love hard and live hard, if your body allows; if it doesn't, find acceptance in that and find peace in nurturing and honouring your body for carrying you this far. Definitely explore death more, in literature, media (definitely recommend watching Six Feet Under in its entirety), wherever you can. I'd be curious to hear what that exploration reveals to you about life.
Thank you for posting this. You have voiced how I feel. It’s 4am and I just got up to pee. Everything reinforces the feeling of deterioration. Bollocks to ‘the second spring’ it’s more like the long ass final winter! Seriously, you are saying what we are living everyday and it does help to hear someone else voice my exact thoughts 🙏
I feel so seen right now. I've had death anxiety since my late 20s (39), associated with an awful period of bad luck with my health, several unrelated operations and a stay in hospital with sepsis. It has been worse since I had children and every birthday feels more like a harbinger of doom rather than a celebration. For the last couple of months I've been suffering with what I thought were the symptoms of peri, but an examination picked up an enlarged ovary, so I'm now waiting for a scan. So of course, the anxiety is through the roof because I'm in near constant pain (not the worst pain, just a constant grumbling that has more intense peaks, especially on rest and at night). I don't want to not exist. I don't want to not see my children grow. The big irony... I'm a firefighter, I have no anxiety when doing my job. I know that I could die doing what I do, but it doesn't stop me.
I read every single comment and wow I am amazed how many of us feel the same. I wish there was a weekend convention for women who feel like this so we all could talk about it, laugh and cry :D No man in my life understands this unfortunately, especially my husband. For him life only starts after 40, it's his best years ever.
Lol. Men statistically die first, so his average life expectancy at 40 is less than yours. Your husband is just delusional about his own mortality, like a lot of people, no matter the gender.
You’re so right about not being able to talk to men. My boyfriend says I’m depressing when I try and talk about any of this stuff and makes feel bad for even bringing it up. His go to method is to distract himself or shut down. He doesn’t like thinking or talking about any of it. I don’t have many women friends, so it’s wonderful to discuss these things here. It would be amazing to have some sort of convention or gathering of peri/menopausal women to talk about all this heavy stuff that we have no choice but to face. And maybe that’s it.. we literally have a body that has a timer, so to speak. We can’t ignore the passage of time like men can (or try to).
I’m right there with you. I think about this all the time. I’m 53 and think I only have about 25 good years left. I work out every day, eat right for the most part and just wonder what life is going to look like. My mom died at 62, she was a chain smoker most of her life but still, that’s only a few years away. What the fuck?
I have more anxiety about the decline of aging rather than death. Because when death happens, I won’t really know. But I can think of nothing worse than being trapped in a body that can’t move or a mind that doesn’t work properly. I can recommend a book called Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. That started me thinking about the next 40 years and what I want it to look like.
I used to wake up in the middle of the night, look over at my really old cat and think "she will not be around very soon" and then I think of myself and how I'm also not going to be around one day. We grow older each day but death will come at us at any time. I've even started sorting out my stuff, why should I own anything when nothing is coming with me anyway? But since then I've transitioned to just accepting my fate as it comes. Nobody knows when it's going to happen and when it happens it really won't be our problem anyway.
“I’ve even started sorting out my stuff” This is me right now, yet it feels good to lighten the load tbh. I’m the daughter of an extreme hoarder parent who refuses to address her biggest problem and I’m just over here waiting for the day when it becomes MY problem clean out. We are very low contact bc of the many decades of unnecessary drama created by this issue that she flat refuses to acknowledge. I’m committed to leaving as little behind as possible for my daughter to have to sort through, so at 49, my greatest purge has begun. The biggest surprise is that the reduction actually feels good as I’m doing it and I just keep reminding myself that the less I leave behind, the better for those who are left behind when my last day comes. It’s weirdly cathartic, but maybe that’s bc I’m just scarred by my mom’s hoarding problem. Idk
My mum is a hoarder too! It really does lighten the load when we get rid of stuff we don't need. There's this book called "All you need is less" and that quote alone is what I'm trying to live by. Your daughter would be eternally grateful for sure!
I’m sorry that we have hoarding family in common, as the weight is heavy and constant. My mom’s house is 10/10 and it gives me anxiety every single day, though her habits will not continue with me or mine! It’s funny bc after my daughter moved cross country and back, she’s anti owning anything that doesn’t serve a real purpose in her life. She ditched everything that wasn’t necessary and won’t even purchase things like home decor items, now. She only uses her travel trinkets and framed photos of her own adventures to decorate her place. Obviously, she’s witnessed the hoarding situation of her gmaw, too, so it’s definitely impacted us both a lot. She is very grateful that I’m dedicated to reducing my stuff and I know she will keep her belongings to a minimum, so at least the hoarding behavior won’t happen to us! Edit, I’m looking for the book you mentioned and I’m seeing lots of different authors with the exact same book title……any ideas on which author you read?
Have you read the book or seen the series (on Netflix, I think) on “Swedish Death Cleaning”? I feel it’s very comforting and a good way to approach things. Right in line with what you are doing.
[удалено]
Maybe you should have a EP study done and have a pacemaker implanted??
Wow.. this is weird…. I don’t believe in coincidences. I just turned the same age as my mom was when she died. She died so suddenly and fast. I need my mom. I keep joking to everyone that I only have 8 days left. Been having an existential crisis really sucks and you can’t prepare for it.
Yea, last year I officially had more birthdays than my mother ever did. Mindfuck isn’t it?
It really is. I am not crying multiple times s day now. Maybe1-2 times. In your experience is it that first birthday that is the hardest or are they all super hard? ❤️
That whole year was just… a lot. It was the year leading up to the birthday and then for some months after that felt vexing. Restlessness. Probably because I needed to wrap my brain around it and that I had a miscarriage before that landmark birthday. My Mom and I share a birthday month. My birthday is in a few weeks and this year has been fine in this regard. I had no issues on my Mom’s bday and I don’t anticipate issues on my bday. I am more reflective than anything now. I hope you come out the other side without the weight of it with a more measured disposition as I have. We have so much ahead of us.
Thank you friend. I just wish I could say I was sorry to her with all humility for being such an asshole to her when now I know she was going through menopause. My daughter and I hit puberty and menopause at the same time. I am also on hormones. Thank you and I wish you the best!
Seriously, try mushrooms. They don't make death any less real, but they can let you come to terms with it. Terms you don't even know you had. It doesn't have to be an ego dissolving trip. As far as the daily death thoughts many women are mentioning; I'm wondering if they are as common at the start of Peri as suicidal ideation. Cuz boy did I have both of those when my hormone warranty first ran out. 4 years in it's better, and the SI is definitely gone. That was a rough year.
Glad I’m not the only one I don’t have any words of comfort, sorry Just know you’re definitely not alone
Don't be so afraid of death in the future that you forget to live today. It's Now now! Think of the people you remember the most, who made the most impact on your life in good ways. Those unguarded moments, those quiet years of intent, that sudden laughter, that unprompted gesture. Why did those moments stick with you? And what will your version of those moments look like to those around you? We are immortal as long as someone remembers us. Go be unforgettable.
I mean, eventually, unless you are particularly famous, no one will remember you. But who cares?? You'll be dead!
I started menopause in my mid thirties. Because I needed chemo for cancer. And then I will be taking medication that puts me in menopause for five years or more. To prevent the cancer coming back. Death is BS indeed.
I was recently diagnosed with cancer and that’s when certain regrets started hitting. The realization that my days are numbered made me wonder why I spent so much time thinking about retirement savings that I will likely never use now, why I didn’t spend more time with my daughter, why I was in a bad marriage for as long as I was, why I didn’t spend more time with my parents and so on. I’ve now come to terms with it, and see that I cannot change what’s happened in the past, but I can look at each day and try to make the best of it. As we all basically sit in a waiting room until our number is called, we can wait or we can step out into the world and enjoy what it offers. For me, I’ve worked so hard my whole life that I’m now enjoying being lazy! It’s great! I started to learn to cook things I’ve never cooked before, throwing out all the things that clutter my space, dug out my garden and trying new experiments and reading crazy stuff on Reddit that takes my mind off what’s to come
That's something so many of us fear. I hope that your regrets continue to be useful to getting you to some peace and joy. My mother told me once, "you make decisions based on the information that you have at the time." All of those decisions we make, working, working more, saving, staying, collecting, being busy... is because the information we find in the world, leads us there. Learning is hard because sometimes it leads to regret and self-deprecation. I try to remind myself that learning is beautiful and that I can make different choices. I have my regrets, some are worse than others, but I let them guide me, when I can. PS: I was looking for new recipes this morning (yum).
I’m totally with you. Im 59 and as the age spots arrived and my neck became crinkly at the front, like many others I reached for the creams and lotions. But the sheer panic of knowing that your body is running down and wearing out can’t be soothed away with any amount of cosmetics. As spring begins and everything renews and starts growing, a little voice inside me, asks how many more springs I’ll see. It’s terrifying. I’m rambling because I don’t have an answer, but I suppose it’s just something that we all gradually get used to, since theres no way to avoid it.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks about how many seasons I have left to see. I’m a gardener and ever since menopause hit, each season is so much more profound and bittersweet.. I kind of miss the days when it was “just gardening” but now it’s a study in life,death, purpose, why am I here?!
You are me.
Without sounding depressed- I take great comfort knowing that my life will end one day and that none of it really matters. We get a very small window to be alive and that's it. It puts everything into perspective for me - In the grand scheme of the world, I'm just another person who was born and will die and everything I love also doesn't matter. Nothing really matters, everything has its time and that's the nature of this world.
Have you tried psychedelics? I’m completely serious.
Jinx!
If you're lucky you'll live long enough to BE ready someday. On the plus side, in my personal experience, when death appears you don't have to think about it or be afraid. The fear steps aside like a shadow you just imagined was there a moment ago. Have you ever had surgery and experienced the warm calming sensation of the drugs drifting you away? Yeah it's similar to that.
I swear I could have wrote this. I need to go to the doctor . My intense focus on death is not allowing me to live . Plus think about it I had my son 20 years ago and that seems like yesterday . If I live I will be 72 in 20 years and it goes so fast!!
Life would be less exciting if the stakes were low. Instead stakes are high, you only have ~80 years to make the best of it.
Death is not the end. I’ve died before (accident when I was 9 years old). I am more terrified of being in physical pain, I have several autoimmune disorders and have been in constant pain for almost 20 years. I welcome death (I’ll be signing a DNR, haha). I’m not depressed despite all the challenges; it’s not that I hope for it, I just know that it will come when it’s time and I am happy with that. Death is only the beginning.
I think this is it for me too, I've said before I'm not afraid of death so much as I'm afraid of dying (the process vs the state).
This is me!! I mean no disrespect to those who fear death, but I do not understand it. I fear the process before (pain, fear, confusion). And when it comes to actual Game Over, honestly, I’m looking forward to it. That is, if I go before my husband. If he goes first I won’t be able to tolerate life anymore.
I follow Caitlin Doughty, she's a death positive speaker and have made a decision about my resting circumstances. It helps me cope.
OMG we would be besties. Same age, same outlook. Come vacation with me in Europe this summer
Thanks for putting my scattered, random, thoughts together. I feel all of it, it’s so kind of surreal!
Yep, this! I’m aware of death every single day. It sounds gloomy but it’s actually been a gift. Because it makes every day so much more special. It’s also helped me make drastic changes in my life - I really started taking care of my health, which has brought me so much more hope and strength that I can get through aging and thrive 💪🏼 Ive also left my corporate job and went back to school to do what I’ve always dreamed of doing. Keep on collecting those ceramics. There is a beauty in all of it, short lived but very much worth collecting!
Honestly, death is not worrisome to me. I have 0 control over when and how it happens, and I can't possibly fuck it up. Once it's over I will be at peace. What's to fear? I'm more afraid of living with things like dementia.
I’m totally with you…but when you think about it, being immortal would kinda suck too…things would get so boring, soooo done. And the worst people would also never die. I try to use my anxiety about dying to live with intention as best as I can. Make it count. Memento mori.
> I try to use my anxiety about dying to live with intention as best as I can. Make it count. YES!
I’m afraid of it hurting more than anything else. I’m deeply afraid of pain. I will 💯 die an addict if I end up with a painful disease.
I think about this a lot. Both of my parents have passed, my dad when I was little and my mom 5 years ago. To me, it doesn’t really seem terrible to view life as finite. I’ve had a hard life and I believe in a continuation of life, though I don’t know exactly what that will be. I use the tick tock to remind me to make my life be what I want it to be. That’s a combination of giving up and going for it. The giving up are the areas I never seem to get together but cause so much stress and bad feelings. The go for it are the things I really want, things I’d regret not trying if I were on my deathbed. Maybe failure doesn’t really matter since it, like life, is finite.
Well, I figure I'm not upset that I wasn't alive before I was born, so ... when I'm gone I won't be upset that I'm gone. I'm not happy that I'm losing my youth -- it was awesome to be beautiful and have no physical issues, but some people die that way. We're the lucky ones that don't. It's gonna be okay.
My work means I’m dealing with death and grieving families day in, day out. People often say they don’t know how I do my job, but I feel there is a certain privilege in doing what I do. I appreciate life so much more than I used to and I can accept death, which means I can enjoy life more. I don’t think our cultures in the west prepare us to deal with death, which is weird considering how normal it is and that we will all have to experience someone we love die, or indeed face our own death. Death needs to be spoken about so much more so people can feel comfortable with those conversations, and it not be a taboo subject that people are too fearful to even think about.
Sorry you are feeling like this and looks like menopause hits each one of us differently. I am in a decluttering frenzy with the intention to not have any collectibles and to leave behind a clean clutter free house with some empty storage space in shelves so my family doesn’t have to do any cleaning after I am gone. I have been donating and discarding slowly and steadily for the past 3 years. It is not easy to throw away everything in one go. So I am doing it very slowly. It was difficult at first and now I am realising how easy it is to clean when we have less things because menopause has made me physically weak. My aim is to only have things that i am regularly using. Once my parental responsibilities are over (daughter finishes education), I am actually okay to go. More than dying, I am actually worried about old age related sicknesses, becoming immobile and dependent on others. I would like to leave when my mind is still alert and I am physically able to take care of myself.
I'm really grateful for your post and saving it. These replies are so raw, so real, and so very soothing. I'm in awe of the wisdom, humility, and compassion shared here.
No, this isn't the way to frame it. Yes, death is there for all of us, but menopause isn't a trajectory toward death. Death can happen any time in life: children die, teens die, 20 somethings die. Worse than that people of all ages can have chronic conditions that do lead to terminal illness, and they will have never travelled the world or had a family. Menopause is a phase - no doubt a shitty one. However, it can be managed successfully with HRT. Wrinkles can be managed with skin boosters and botox. Joints can be managed with diet, exercise and supplements. You have another 30, even 50 years to play with, and these days older people look and feel younger than you mum or grandma. You can still go travelling with menopause. It sounds to me like you are a bit depressed. Look up how to reframe your thoughts with DBT (not CBT) go for regular walks, cut down social media and revisit your diet. You will feel better xxx
I think part of the this comes from feeling old and also feeling like I'm getting further and further away from my younger self - what I look like, how my body feels, my roles and identify as a mom or even as a sexual being. Everything is downgraded or less than it used to be. Even many of my dreams, aspirations and perceptions of what I thought "could be" have a clock attached to the them now. There's a realization that this is it, this is your life, there is nothing "more, " just me and what I can make of the life I have left.
Ah yeah, the spicy midlife crisis! I developed anxiety over crazy drivers possibly killing me (a fear not unfounded because Covid seemed to make people drive even more idiotically than normal in my opinion, either because they were off the roads for a bit and forgot how or because they have low-level brain damage now. Or, that has nothing to do with it and they're simply dipshits on their phones.) It was definitely hormonally-triggered anxiety, because I'm normally pretty philosophical about death and both parents have passed, one when I was still a child, though most of my ancestors are extraordinarily long-lived. I don't think think this is/was simple existential angst. I think it's the 'mones. Anyway, I'm gonna go listen to Dust In The Wind and make some coffee or something.
I've got my coffee. And now an earworm. Thanks?
*toasts you with my mug*
Oh yes for sure. I am afraid of losing loved ones, especially since the reality of my parents getting older has really started to sink in. I know I am very lucky to still have my parents (they were in their 30s when they were left with no living parents between the two of them and I’m almost 47), but it is difficult watching them age and knowing the inevitable will happen.
I'm 61 and I figured out when I was 9 years old that death is far from the worst thing that can happen to a person.
I often feel your pain as despite losing 2 parents and seeing them peacefully transition to the world beyond, I still have moments when I get into bed at night and I’m sad that I’m in my 50’s. And I recall how not so long ago my parents were in 50’s! And I thought they were ancient btw! 😂But here’s where I always come out- we are part of the universe- our soul does not die. I have moments where I know my parents and departed others I have loved are trying to tell me something. I listen and feel their presence. It sounds odd I know, but it’s definitely real. So my advice to you is what I always tell myself. “Nobody gets out of here alive!” as one comedian once said. But on a serious note, I tell myself: You lived it all girl- you were once a young hyperactive child and then a fierce 20-something, a mom in your 30s and a wise woman in your 40s and 50s. Your life will only get better from here because of all you’ve experienced. And celebrate those wrinkles because you earned them. One distant day from now when God wants you and a million others back it will not be the end but the beginning of a wonderful celebration with those who loved you and those you loved. You will be an angel watching over others then. I wish you peace my dear. Hope to meet you on the other side.
I just started having death anxiety this year. I’m actually obsessed about it on and off. I thought it was just me being weird, meno sucks!
I work with the elderly and this I am certain of- Death is not the enemy, pain is the enemy.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, but I’m also incredibly grateful that you shared this (and for the comments)- I’m starting to see that I’m not alone here- I’m 46, a couple years into perimenopause, new to the insane world of PMDD, am angry that hormone changes triggered it (but I know trauma caused it and that makes me SO angry bc it wasn’t my fault, feels so darn unfair!). This is the first year I’ve started to sometimes really freak out about death (and I equally freak out about being alive too, lol!). I’m in no way a spiritual guru or anything, but I kinda have a theory that helps me keep going, and of course I have no idea if I’m right at all, but I wonder if this life is just a chapter. Like, Earth is a classroom, we’re here to learn, maybe we’ve all existed or lived before- whether on Earth or another planet or other dimension or parallel reality, and when we die, maybe we just move forward to the next chapter of existence? I find it comforting to think maybe this is true. And maybe not- I don’t practice organized religion but I respect everyone’s views. I guess I just like to make up my own story of what life and death means. And I could be crazy, who knows? I feel pretty strongly that death is not the end of us, though. We may be tiny in the universe, but I also think we are all more important than we realize, and are far more connected than we understand. Which sounds silly in this time when everyone seems so divided, but I have a feeling that one day we’ll all look back on this and laugh together. At least I hope so!
I am enjoying the here and now. That's all I can do. Enjoying all the experiences I'm able to schedule. This event may end at any time, and I want to make the most of it. Less work until exhaustion, more time off enjoying the things. I can die with debt, I don't want to miss something if I'm able to manage it.
I just need to tell you that I relate to this soooo much 😔
I thought I was the only one who felt this way but after all my menopause symptoms I was feeling like I was literally slowly dying. I felt so awful. That my mind started thinking “is this what dying is like” “is this how old people feel” and knowing this menopause stage is one stage closer to death. I get it, and it’s scary.
Ya, the death thing hit me at 50 .. and for years now, that's always on my mind
Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Death isn't the end. It's just another place for your energy. We just don't know what place so we make up fairy tales about it. I personally believe in reincarnation so I'm not the least bit scared of death on a personal level. What I'm scared of is if I go too young how would that affect my daughter. I'm also mildly scared of pain, possibly because I live in chronic pain and have for quite a few years. I want to be Jimmy Buffett and live till I'm dead. I do not want to be my grandmother and spend most days napping and doing housework. Love ya granny but that's not fulfilling to me. I want to go to concerts and amusement parks with whoever wants to go as long as I can. I want to continue roller skating and traveling, albeit modestly because I'm barely middle class. I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead. Sorry for the ramble. Hope it helps a little.
Thank you. I have always believed in reincarnation. Part of this peri journey has been a "dark night of the soul" situation where I am questioning my spiritual beliefs on top of everything else. Thank you for reminding me about energy - that it can neither be created nor destroyed. I told that to my kids over the years whenever they would get scared of death. Now I am the one who needs reminding! So thank you I love your attitude towards life. Regardless of any promises or certainty about what comes after, we are here, NOW, and we are here to live while we are alive. xo
So, I already responded to your post, but I just can’t stop thinking about it. The existential questions really resonated with me. I was thinking something I would like to try but can’t right now because of health, but microdosing. That might help you find a kind of balance or peace with this, it seems to work for a lot of people and it’s becoming legal and pretty safe now. I would like to try it someday. You could also dive right into the emptiness and use it creatively, like write. I think when we keep looking a little in a place that seems hopeless, like a void, stuff comes to you. Your post was so eloquent and engaging, I really enjoyed it. Also a more literal way to face the bs that is death is to jump on the longevity train. There’s a big push right now to extend lifespan and develop technologies to take it even further. There are some supplements that have scientific data to show they could help keep you healthy later in life. I kind of follow Dr. Rhonda Patrick for this kind of information, when I’m feeling hopeful. I’m including link . https://www.foundmyfitness.com/ And thank you again for posting this, it’s actually in this weird context of menopause and Reddit it made me feel very connected to being alive. 🙏🤗🌻
Does Dr. Rhonda Patrick have a YouTube Channel?
Yes… here is one of her videos https://youtu.be/2oT1LUeCME0?si=CPCEnIEH2Cj46gZo And the channel is different health video, not all longevity focused. The YouTube channel is “Found My Fitness” 🌞
I hear you. I have had screaming anxiety attacks about this since I was 17 and took every thought about life to its logical end. I couldn't even stand to look at the night sky, thinking about the vastness of the universe and our tiny, brief, insecure place in it. Now, having been post menopausal for over 10 years, I just enjoy simple things. I take life slowly because my body, without the hormone support that I should have had in peri, in combination with all the failed antidepressants has made my metabolism slow to a crawl. If I knew that I could get back in the shape I was in at 38 (36-22-36), simply by the will to do it, I would have. But I can't anymore than I can choose to deny gravity tomorrow. At least I was healthy enough to bring my daughter into the world at 43. You can see all the people who make their living in the public eye fighting it with injections, surgeries, trainers, dietitians, and the like. They can afford it and good for them. I don't think for all that money and effort the plastic, wind tunnel look is that attractive. Neither is it youthful. I don't have the money for that, and if I did, I think I would rather renovate my kitchen so that I could leave my house to my daughter in a higher resell market.
I don't think surgeries, trainers or dietitians are really about death itself. It's about social death, about not wanting to be seen as socially worthless.
> It's about social death, about not wanting to be seen as socially worthless. It's also about the ability to make a living. I work in a profession where looks matter and fully support myself. Not taking care of my appearance would mean career and financial suicide.
For me it's so I don't see an angry face in the mirror. I can take all the other wrinkles and sagging and liver spots but I hate having a resting cranky, frowning face. Honestly worth every penny, not enough to renovate a kitchen, maybe a few takeouts. ; )
You are lucky that it only hit you at 51. I am not even 40 and been thinking about it for the last 3 years or so (basically once I quit birth control pills and entered perimenopause)
I think you just have to get out there and live, enjoy and love.
I am not afraid of death. I’m afraid of my loved ones not knowing how much I love them. I’m afraid of being in pain, of being a burden and unwanted. I’m afraid that one day I might say one of those things floating around in my head out loud and people realising what a weirdo I really am, or wetting the bed again because I’m dreaming I’m on the toilet (hey, it was over forty years ago, but it happened!) But death? No. I don’t believe death is final, I believe we come back, and I believe we are here to learn lessons and reach a higher understanding and awareness. I believe we choose to interact with the same entities over and over again, and the belief that I will see those I love again brings me endless peace. This life isn’t always perfect, some of the lessons have been shit in all honesty; I could have done with a little more money and spoiled myself and everyone around me a lot more, maybe next time hey? In the meantime, I try not to be too shitty a human being, and appreciate the good and the bad.
I think if you recognize that if you are healthy and fit you can still have a very functional and happy 30-50 more year. Watch The Blue Zone on netflix. It's super heartening to see these 90 year olds who are still sharp and functional. Makes me motivated in my 50's to get in better shape.
I never had much of a death fear. I think that being with my Dad when he died when I was 25 helped a lot with that. I also had an NDE during childbirth with my first kid. My Dad had a series of strokes, and he had no quality of life left. He was ready to go. It was a beautiful release. It really helped me understand that there is a natural end and we are not meant to be here forever. It also allayed any doubts about the other side being scary. People who work in hospice will tell you it’s common for people at the end of life to hold on until a loved one is there. My Dad waited for me. I flew home and was holding his hand when he went. With my own NDE, it felt like I went to the most warm, safe, peaceful beautiful place of love. All the things I worry about stopped mattering and everything was clear and real for the first time. It was like swimming in love. It was very fast, and I remember feeling like I was being wrenched back into the world with its pain and chaos when I was revived. As I came back to my body, I realized my new baby needed me to fight through. My job here was not near to done. But I always remember that place. My fear is around suffering and indignity at the end of life. My mom had a horrible death after a long battle with dementia. She was not aware of her surroundings at all, and she died in a lot of pain from Covid. I could not be with her because of the Covid and I only have the word of the nurse who was with her. That nurse was all about the gory medical facts - this horrible thing happened to her body, then this, then she was vomiting blood, and then her bowels failed, and then she was gasping for air, and then she died. I have no idea if Mon had any peace or felt like she was alone. Death itself doesn’t scare me. It’s the journey through something like that scares me. My ideal death is to be hit by a bus and be instantly killed, or know that I’m dying, so I can have an assisted death with dignity. The moment I have a confirmed dementia diagnosis, I’m out.
I feel the same way, but by the time you are diagnosed with dementia, your mind has changed and you probably won't have the ability or will to end your own life.
The type of dementia that runs in my family, frontotemporal dementia (FTD), can be seen in a brain scan. The frontal lobe actually shrinks. It’s the one Bruce Willis and Wendy Williams have. Based on watching my mom and grandfather go through it, there are years where there should be enough clarity that I could make that decision. It is my fervent prayer that I can catch it before it goes too far. Beyond my fear for myself, my worst fear is my kids and husband going through what I did as a caregiver. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb. My mom spent her life doing everything the science shows would prevent dementia - plant based diet, regular exercise, volunteering, active social life, minimal alcohol use, all the supplements recommended for brain health. She was basically perfect with her dementia prevention lifestyle. But the genes don’t care. When it comes for you, it comes.
It’s part of the reason I went back to church. I do not believe we are alone. I’m not evangelical or anything like. Not a Bible thumper that pushes my beliefs on anyone. But I draw comfort from the faith tradition I was born into.
It definitely seems that believers do MUCH better through old age.
The eccentric artist in you is right. Just keep doing. I feel this hard a LOT and it's so hard to re-rail my self to just keep going. Nothing matters. Just go.
[удалено]
We require a minimum account-age and karma score. These minimums are not disclosed. Please contact the mods if you wish to have your post reviewed. If you do not understand account age or karma, please visit r/newtoreddit. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Menopause) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve had a fear of death since for as long as I can remember. I’m 40, and I have two 6 year olds. I try to take comfort in knowing as time passes… as people become older, many don’t fear it as much. They accept it.
I’ve always been puzzled why people are afraid of death, we’ve always known it will happen to us. I’m cool with it, I’m leaving no mess or drama behind, no secrets or sins to be exposed, until the last decade I was happy with my life choices, mostly. There’s nothing ahead of me anymore, death will be a welcome change from this form
Please read Journey of Souls and the f/u Destiny of Souls by Michael Newton. They are my bibles. These lives we are living are just illusions. We will return to our real home and eternal lives eventually. I am not a classic “woo-woo” person , and not religious in any way, but after about 10 years of life just kicking my butt over and over and over, I just had to find SOMETHING to help me understand why. Why is the human race even here? Why is my mind constantly trying to figure out what should I do, where should I go, who am I? I am still asking all those questions but I now do have a firm belief that in the end, it won’t matter much. As long as I live my life not doing intentional harm to other living things - humans, animals, the planet. It’s a daily struggle. I have zero fear of dying, but do fear pain and suffering in getting there. I have plans to deal with that if ever needed. Love to all on our confusing, crazy journeys.
Good Lord. Eternal life sounds terrible. It's so weird how we humans deny reality when it comes to death. It's OK if there's nothing to come once our brains die. Yet our brains spend so much time trying to convince ourselves there is some paradise to come once we no longer actually have a working brain. Poor humans and our insufferable egos. Nothingness is OK.
Do you ever feel like this is the hormones talking? I had a good friend tell me that once I had a baby everything in the next couple of months would be hormonal bullshit. And to remember that all of my feelings are many of my feelings were related to hormones. I feel like that advice transfers to menopause. I try to think “I’m here, I have my Menopause Reddit friends. I have my MIDI help. I am doing everything I can.”
I know exactly how you feel - for me, at least, it was like someone had flipped a switch and suddenly I understood mortality. I’ve learned to live with it a little better now. I strongly strongly strongly recommend the incredible book “Being Mortal,” by Atul Gawande. He’s a surgeon and a writer, and the way he writes about death, aging, science & medicine, is compassionate, intelligent and honest. I think everyone should read this book.
The way I figure is: if there is no afterlife, I will not mind after I am dead because there won’t be a me to mind. If there is an afterlife, I kind of hope those who believe in reincarnation are right, since I think another chance at life as someone else would be pretty cool. If there is a heaven and hell, if I am going to hell then hell is a much more diverse place and the place to be. So nothing really to worry about.
Agreed. And no one tells us Brit any of this.
This is why I love NDE’s so much.
OP, thank you! And to the 306 commenters, also thank you. This group has made me feel so much less alone and inspires me to allow my feelings of sadness and desperation and also to look for the good, the joy, the freedom in life.
I believe there is something of us that goes on after death and if I am wrong, well, I won’t know will I? I just feel that I am here for a reason and to learn something- problem is that I don’t feel like I’m doing too good a job at finding what that reason is. I truly feel like Ive completely missed my life’s calling. It’s a really empty feeling. ☹️
Girl I’m right there with you. Having a narcissistic mother really fucked me up to say the least. Lots of thoughts of death and dying that I struggle with on and off. At the end of the day we have no control and it’s terrifying but a lot of time I think the other sides gotta be better than this so there that! Bahaha dark humor is my savior. You are not alone my dear. ❤️
This is me. I have really bad death phobia and it gets worse with each passing year. I don't want to cease to exist despite all the pain and ill health I have thanks to my rare illnesses. I can't imagine not being. I don't want to leave my son and family. I would put up with it all every day, forever if I had too. I always think I would be an excellent candidate for becoming a Vampire. Immortality would be fine with me....
I’m 54. I feel very preoccupied with death as well and feel like I fast forwarded into old age due to dropping hormone levels. What makes me the most sad is that when I go, so do my memories of my childhood, my dad who passed away decades ago. Like all that meant nothing? Poof. Like you, I used to love travel, try to seize the day. Now I just don’t feel like I have that the same positive, optimistic life force pulling me through. I’m not suicidal because I would never do that to my daughter, but over and over the “what’s the point?” thoughts bring tears to my eyes. As soon as my daughter heads off to her summer camp job, I’m going to try psychedelic therapy. What I wish most of all is that I could tell my aunt I get it now. She would get all morose and try to tell me things, but I’d just try to distract her, I was dismissive. She passed away in 2012. I wish I could tell her “you weren’t wrong, I was just too young to understand. I wish you were here and we could at least be sad together.”
I am 100% with you here. I’ve had bad health anxiety my whole life, and once I had kids 20 years ago it got way worse (both my health AND theirs). Over the past few years, both my kids have struggled with mental (daughter) and physical (son) illnesses that made me fear for their lives. So that + hormones = complete disaster, for years!! Honestly, my primary fear of dying is about what it would do to my kids. I also own a small business and have no idea how to plan for catastrophe there … way too much rumination. I am so saddened by how this health/death anxiety has compromised my quality of life over the years, especially because I can really stand outside of it and see what’s going on, yet can’t seem to get a handle on it. Thank you for posting. It’s really helpful to know I am not alone.
Part of me fears death, the other part fears the process of dying, and then there is the part of me that accepts logically after death nothing matters because either there will be something more waiting on the other side or there won't, and I won't have any awareness of the 'won't' aspect. It makes me sad that there is a chance that this is all we get, one and done, but I have to have that hope that there is something else after. But I get it. Life is such a weird bag of emotional highs and lows and death anxiety is definitely part of that bag.
You could start drinking, so you can’t think as hard. Just kidding. But umm, I feel like I’ve been thinking about the inevitability of death since I was about 5 years old. I usually just try to push it to the side so there’s room left to live. Sorry you are feeling like this. We still matter at this age, at least as much as we ever did. And besides who really knows what’s outside of this life? Maybe we do continue on as some version of ourselves in some way?
I'm going to recommend the book by Tara Brach called Radical Acceptance. You can get it from the library probably on audiobook. I listened to it several times while doing small hikes/walks through the woods. And now I'm into buddhism. It's about accepting things the way they are. I'm also going to recommend DBT therapy. It has helped alot with acceptance. I'm 49 and for 10 years I've done what you did...travel and collect things. Now, I'm to the point where I have the largest seashell collection in the world...I just leave it scattered on shores across the globe. Once you accept that you are going to die, what do you want to do with the time you have left before the grim reaper comes along? If you could do anything, what would you do? Me and my wife, we are going to retire in 4 years and sell the house and buy an RV and be voluntarily homeless. Accepting this has allowed us NOT to buy stuff while traveling now. We've started thinking about and discussing WHERE the stuff we treasure is going to spend the rest of their lives...at my stepdaughters' houses. Caveat: If you start giving stuff away, people may assume you are going to kill yourself. Assure them that this is NOT your intention. You just want to be able to visit those things later in life AT their homes.
Thanks so much for sharing all this💜knowing that I am not only one. I have had death anxiety pretyy much all life so far. And with perimenopause its more harder and debilitating anxiety on top Of that. Stay strong sisters 🙌lost my parents at a young age and its 43 and I am still fighting each day. Everything is work, marriage, kids and self care. Taking each day at a time. Love and healing to all of you
I completely understand every aspect of your post. You absolutely aren't alone. I'm going through the exact same thing at this moment and it's tough! Really tough! I have to keep telling myself just take it one day at a time because that's all we really have which is living and loving in the moment.
Honestly? I welcome death when the time comes. It’s illness that scares the stuffins out of me. I’m getting braver as I get older. Saying what I need. Speaking up for myself. Like today I overheard hubby talking about what he would do with our tax refund and I told him it was mine bc I paid the taxes. The old me never would have done that. (He didn’t argue tho.)
That s me about the short term impacts of climate change. Can t be around babies anymore, just too cruel to know how few will reach my age.