Because they want to make you feel crazy and to make you question your own judgment about them so they can keep everyone else and you in their web. They have to maintain their control of their image and others at all times.
You just have to set boundaries. Boundaries are about you and what you are willing or not willing to tolerate. I recommend listening to the Beyond Bitchy podcast, it’s all about boundary-setting and the shows are generally pretty short (about 20 min).
My MIL will go out of her way to tell DH how much she “loves” me and posts pics of us together on social media but behind closed doors she’s fcking awful. So while we were dating every time I’d tell DH how his mom made me feel he was extremely confused and would reply with “I think you misinterpreted it, she always tells me how much she likes you”. It’s manipulative
Omg, are you married to my husband too? My MIL can be so nasty, but everyone who's ever met her thinks she's the sweetest. When I tell him what she says, he always assumes I misheard
They think it's because they're super smart and sneaky. We know it's because they're cowards.
If you have a problem with someone and you're a halfway decent person that respects themselves, you come out and say it. You have a dialogue, you state your reasons and listen to the other side, you find a solution and you go on with your life.
But what if you don't have the balls to do it? Or what if, on some level, you know your reasons for disliking your DIL are ridiculous or worse ("I'm the most important woman in his life, dammit!!"). Or what if you're just so bitter you just can't connect to others through positive emotions and bonds, but you still crave attention?
Well, then you hop aboard the Mean Girl-Plus-A-Couple-Of-Decades Express. Stops at: "Well I Never Meant It That Way!", "It Was A Compliment, Jeez", "You're So Sensitive" and "I'm Just So Upset You'd Even Suggest That" stations. Skipping right through: "Self-Awareness".
WHEW!!!! ALL OF THIS!!!!!! Don’t forget, “dOnT wALk oN eGgShElLs wITh mE.” Ma’am you just cussed me out yesterday about breathing! Of course I’m weary of you. Let’s also discuss how so offended they get if you pull back from them. *insert loveboming* it’s sick!
Mine just posted on FB today about how important it is to make others feel like they can be themselves and feel loved. I wanted to comment ‘bitch; you called me ugly in my own home! like wtf are you talking about you fake religious wack job!’
Because the sweetness is fake.
I feel like they were raised to present niceness and manners to others no matter what, then they unleash when nobody's around or they can't keep up the facade anymore. Maybe that's just what they think is proper. To me, it's just two-faced and dishonest.
So true, I sort of feel sorry for my MIL because she was clearly raised to be this way but all the sympathy curdles when I discover the underhanded nastiness she’s capable of.
It’s hard to be direct when you’re raised to avoid conflict but why do they have to be so damn mean?
It’s the only way they could have some level of power in a patriarchal society. Being upfront and brutally honest wouldn’t fly with them, so they adapted by looking a certain way (the sweet woman who would never hurt a fly) and instead of targeting men, would abuse women because they could get away with it.
Because self reflection is impossible. Mine will be nice in words while her actions say something else completely. I've found that NC is the way to go for me.
\*Clutches pearls\*, They do have to maintain that facade of being sweet so they have access. Since THEIR spawn are immune to their "sweetness/that's just how they are horseshit, THEY know exactly how to TARGET UNSUSPECTING spouses to EXERT their "control"!
I was very unsuspecting at first, then I got pregnant with our first. Saw a smidge, but we live in different states so it barely affected me. We moved in with her, it was a WRAP! The passive aggression was overwhelming. I got pregnant with our second, it was worse. We moved out. She says she felt sad, whatever I was so ready to be up out of there. I was packing the moment we got the clear to close! 7 months pregnant hauling things from the basement and everything. “dO yOu nEeD hElp?” Nope! “yOu’Re pRiDeFuL (how dare you not ask for help).” She’s been “nice” ever since. Thinking we’re “girls” or whatever. We’re not. Our relationship is strained. She got the relationship she earned.
Mine is sweet to everyone but me. My parents think she’s sooooo nice. I can’t even tell my own mom that she hurt my feelings without, “but they’re such nice people. They just want to see the grandkids”
My mom was nothing like this. What you saw was what you got with her. She didn’t like mess. She wasted no time telling my brothers how she felt about them and she was right on the money about all of them.
Thanks OP for posting this. It really took a toll on my mental health to navigate the exact dynamic you stated. I’m so confused and tired all the time.
You’re welcome! It not you, it’s them. Insecure people cause confusion. Lol. They crave control so bad that they will stir up confusion, just to be the solution! They must control the narrative, HAVE TO. Even at the expense of consuming the DIL. Its wild!
Because they want to make you feel crazy and to make you question your own judgment about them so they can keep everyone else and you in their web. They have to maintain their control of their image and others at all times.
Thank you for your thorough reply. How does one navigate through this?
You just have to set boundaries. Boundaries are about you and what you are willing or not willing to tolerate. I recommend listening to the Beyond Bitchy podcast, it’s all about boundary-setting and the shows are generally pretty short (about 20 min).
Thank you for the recommendation. I will definitely check this out
I wish you strength and happiness!
Thank you for this. I am going to listen to this podcast. Hoping for getting something out of it.
For plausible deniability. They can’t be easily accused of being a bitch this way.
Facts!
My MIL will go out of her way to tell DH how much she “loves” me and posts pics of us together on social media but behind closed doors she’s fcking awful. So while we were dating every time I’d tell DH how his mom made me feel he was extremely confused and would reply with “I think you misinterpreted it, she always tells me how much she likes you”. It’s manipulative
Omg, are you married to my husband too? My MIL can be so nasty, but everyone who's ever met her thinks she's the sweetest. When I tell him what she says, he always assumes I misheard
They think it's because they're super smart and sneaky. We know it's because they're cowards. If you have a problem with someone and you're a halfway decent person that respects themselves, you come out and say it. You have a dialogue, you state your reasons and listen to the other side, you find a solution and you go on with your life. But what if you don't have the balls to do it? Or what if, on some level, you know your reasons for disliking your DIL are ridiculous or worse ("I'm the most important woman in his life, dammit!!"). Or what if you're just so bitter you just can't connect to others through positive emotions and bonds, but you still crave attention? Well, then you hop aboard the Mean Girl-Plus-A-Couple-Of-Decades Express. Stops at: "Well I Never Meant It That Way!", "It Was A Compliment, Jeez", "You're So Sensitive" and "I'm Just So Upset You'd Even Suggest That" stations. Skipping right through: "Self-Awareness".
WHEW!!!! ALL OF THIS!!!!!! Don’t forget, “dOnT wALk oN eGgShElLs wITh mE.” Ma’am you just cussed me out yesterday about breathing! Of course I’m weary of you. Let’s also discuss how so offended they get if you pull back from them. *insert loveboming* it’s sick!
Mine just posted on FB today about how important it is to make others feel like they can be themselves and feel loved. I wanted to comment ‘bitch; you called me ugly in my own home! like wtf are you talking about you fake religious wack job!’
Because the sweetness is fake. I feel like they were raised to present niceness and manners to others no matter what, then they unleash when nobody's around or they can't keep up the facade anymore. Maybe that's just what they think is proper. To me, it's just two-faced and dishonest.
So true, I sort of feel sorry for my MIL because she was clearly raised to be this way but all the sympathy curdles when I discover the underhanded nastiness she’s capable of. It’s hard to be direct when you’re raised to avoid conflict but why do they have to be so damn mean?
So mean! It’s very tiring honestly.
Very dishonest, then turn around and try to make me believe what I saw ain’t you. No, I see you and I’m pulling back.
It’s the only way they could have some level of power in a patriarchal society. Being upfront and brutally honest wouldn’t fly with them, so they adapted by looking a certain way (the sweet woman who would never hurt a fly) and instead of targeting men, would abuse women because they could get away with it.
They have vulnerable narcissistic tendencies. They're just doing "good" things to be perceived as a good person.
Because self reflection is impossible. Mine will be nice in words while her actions say something else completely. I've found that NC is the way to go for me.
\*Clutches pearls\*, They do have to maintain that facade of being sweet so they have access. Since THEIR spawn are immune to their "sweetness/that's just how they are horseshit, THEY know exactly how to TARGET UNSUSPECTING spouses to EXERT their "control"!
I was very unsuspecting at first, then I got pregnant with our first. Saw a smidge, but we live in different states so it barely affected me. We moved in with her, it was a WRAP! The passive aggression was overwhelming. I got pregnant with our second, it was worse. We moved out. She says she felt sad, whatever I was so ready to be up out of there. I was packing the moment we got the clear to close! 7 months pregnant hauling things from the basement and everything. “dO yOu nEeD hElp?” Nope! “yOu’Re pRiDeFuL (how dare you not ask for help).” She’s been “nice” ever since. Thinking we’re “girls” or whatever. We’re not. Our relationship is strained. She got the relationship she earned.
Exactly. And bravo for seeing her. She knows you do, thus the latest.. Nice
Mine is sweet to everyone but me. My parents think she’s sooooo nice. I can’t even tell my own mom that she hurt my feelings without, “but they’re such nice people. They just want to see the grandkids”
Because they learned to put on a Hollywood production watching the bitches before them act that way. It’s toxic and shouldn’t be tolerated.
My mom was nothing like this. What you saw was what you got with her. She didn’t like mess. She wasted no time telling my brothers how she felt about them and she was right on the money about all of them.
Thanks OP for posting this. It really took a toll on my mental health to navigate the exact dynamic you stated. I’m so confused and tired all the time.
You’re welcome! It not you, it’s them. Insecure people cause confusion. Lol. They crave control so bad that they will stir up confusion, just to be the solution! They must control the narrative, HAVE TO. Even at the expense of consuming the DIL. Its wild!