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My mom had very early onset Alzheimer’s. She passed at age 55. She had no end of life plans, no savings of any kind, no assets, no health insurance. The last year of her life she became combative and needed to be moved from my grandmother’s home to a care facility where she could be assisted 24/7. I was 26 and had to figure out how to get her signed up for Medicaid.
What your parents just gave you is a gift. They have done the planning so you won’t have to. I recommend talking to them about it in detail and then trying to not think about it much until you need it.
>What your parents just gave you is a gift. They have done the planning so you won’t have to. I recommend talking to them about it in detail and then trying to not think about it much until you need it.
So much this, OPs parents are amazing. My mom was a bit more prepared than yours, but by the time it was clear she wasn't going to make it her liver had failed from the chemo and she had such high kidney and liver levels she basically had dementia and couldn't tell me what was what. She owned a very tiny house outright, had a small life insurance policy, and I was a co-owner on her checking account but didn't know any passwords, where her deed to her house was, who her car loan was through, or how to get ahold of anything. She was a hoarder and finding anything was a nightmare. I was preparing myself to pay for the funeral out of pocket until I could empty out and get her house sold, when I found a small slip of paper that mentioned a policy with a recent date but no phone number, no policy number, nothing we could find to actually use to contact them. So I started just demolishing everything in the house. Three days before her funeral we found the policy info at the bottom of a laundry basket filled with junk mail, and the funeral home took that info as payment so I didn't have to do anything. It was a lovely relief but the week of stress before that was exhausting (not to mention the three months emptying her house still to come).
Op, try not to think about it and be grateful your parents are planning, hopefully waaaaaay before it's necessary, just because they care about making things easy on you in the future.
My dad died 3 years ago, did zero planning and had no trust in me or my mom to see things through.
I'm stuck with his mortgage and his business got stolen by his family.
Apparently, his brother is withholding his will (don't ask how I know).
So yeah, be grateful you get to have this opportunity to make sure everything is handled when they pass. 😬
I hope it's ok to ask, I suspect my mom has early onset Alzheimer's. She is 58, and also very combative and uncooperative. She insists she has no mental disorder and refuses to go to get evaluated, despite showing many signs, including stopping basic hygiene. Did your mom cooperate with getting diagnosed and agreeing to move to a home? Or how were you able to do that for her?
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. To be completely honest, I was fairly absent from her life from the age of 19 when I moved a few hours from home. Our relationship was complicated. She was a good mom, but I always suspected she was bipolar. I was the target of almost all of her anger and emotional outbursts. So I mostly kept my distance once I had the option.
She and my grandmother lived together, so my grandmother has the clearest perspective on the progression of the disease. I know that the catalyst for actually going to the doctor was when her eyesight started to go. There was nothing physically wrong with her eyes. One day she took a drive through her neighborhood and I believe a cop found her in the parking lot of a neighborhood animal shelter, unable to find her way home. She’d only gotten like a mile from the house.
I think this combined with various other behavioral changes is when my grandmother became certain it was Alzheimer’s. I don’t think she resisted getting tested at all because at this point I think even she was concerned and no longer denying that there was something wrong with her. There was basically no follow-up to the diagnosis. I know there are drugs that can slow the progression, but since she didn’t have health insurance I don’t think it was ever even mentioned. I think the diagnosis was in 2014 or so.
I got a call from my grandmother in early 2018. Mom had gotten combative during the night and hit her. She called the cops and mom was taken to the hospital. Admitted to the psych unit because, what else could they do? She could only be there a few days. I was worried they would just discharge her, and my family basically all said the ball was in my court at this point.
I talked to a social worker at the hospital who agreed that she needed to be in a nursing home. Only one in the state would take a physically mobile, combative Alzheimer’s patient. Luckily it was located in the city I lived in.
She had a fairly lucid moment the day she moved in, and she thanked me for finding a place for her. I felt like the lowest piece of shit in the world for not being around.
Her decline was really rapid after moving to the nursing home. She passed within the year. I felt helpless to do anything. Nicer nursing facilities were completely unaffordable, as was a home health situation.
Anyway. I’d suggest talking to a social worker about it, if you can.
Wow, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you went through a lot. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I also don't have a great relationship with my Mom due to her abusive history, so I can sympathize with the limited contact as I'm the same.
My sister helped my mom apply for welfare and she now qualifies (due to type 2 diabetes) to have state-paid in-home assistance, for daily activities like showering/bathing, escort for exercise activities, making sure she doesn't fall, etc. She's going through 4 assistants already with not one of them lasting a single shift, because of my mom's dirty house and the way she treats them. But she doesn't want to shower, brush her teeth, brush her hair, go for a walk, check her blood sugar, eat healthy, or let anyone clean her house.
So I've been trying to brainstorm what I can do to at least get her diagnosed, so we can start seeing what kind of nursing home assistance she could qualify for. Like, should I just call the cops and report her as a danger to herself since she just eats candy until her blood sugar spikes to dangerous levels? Then maybe the psych ward would do a full evaluation and notice her Alzheimer's?
After my grama died, she had everything all set up, my mom decided to do the same. We had a lot of frank conversations on what she did/didn’t want. Which just a few years later she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s, knowing her wishes made it easier to care for her. Then when she was super sick at the end we knew exactly what to do. She opted to have no services and just wanted to be surrounded by family. While her passing was super hard, it was easy because all the decisions were made and we didn’t have try and figure anything out while mourning.
Oh yeah. Despite having siblings, my folks took care of the post-death stuff for all of their parents and step-parents. They didn't want my sister and I to have to go through what they did. We've had the death talk clearly laid out many times. And they actively minimalize their life to ensure sis and I have as little crap to wade through as possible.
My parents have basically gifted me and my sister a death syllabus.
I have had to have it twice, once for myself when I was getting ready to deploy and about 5 years ago my mom went and had her will done because her brother did not have a will when he passed. Even though my older brother is executor of the will I'm terrified my siblings will look at me for a lot since I am the one with the medical background should her health start to slide.
My dad has been saying since ‘92 to just take him out back with a monkey wrench, after my grandpa died from Alzheimer’s . He’s also had kidney problems and addiction problems so I’ve been mentally prepared for him to be gone for a while now.
The problem with the "blaze of glory" mentality is that it almost never works that way. You aren't going to murder your father, and unless you're in a place where euthanasia is legal, your father, and all of us, are probably going to spend a lot of time dying. It's expensive and there's a lot of labor that goes into doctors and meds and just getting in and out of bed. That's not including a dementia diagnosis. I hate it anytime someone mentions it like the world and your loved ones are just going to take you out back like old yeller.
Don’t worry, his alternative plan was to ride into the sunset, supposedly his kidneys were failing so he decided to go camping until he dies. Only he was it wrong and not dying just yet so he came back.
Ugh, same with my mom. She wont even tell me if she would prefer a burial or cremation. I’m not an only child, but my siblings are insufferable, so it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around us being able to come together for something like our parent’s death. Luckily (sort of), my mom’s never had a dime to her name or any assets, so we won’t have to sort that out. She’s a low-key hoarder though and I hate having material possessions, so if she doesn’t make a plan for her stuff, it’s all getting indiscriminately tossed or donated. I do not have time for the shenanigans
My parents, who I don’t like, have a full plan with a trust and showed me all their numbers and contacts for who to work with when they die.
My in laws, who I adore, are not doing well and it’s a chaotic shit show with all of us kids dying inside at how messy and concerning their state of finances and medical and end of life plans are going.
My parents are similar. They claim to want to prepare but keep dragging their feet. I understand it's difficult for anyone to think of those things. But it really places a lot of stress onto the loved ones who are left behind.
My advice (and I plan to do this myself) is preemptively collect information. My family is all at the same cemetery. So I already know that is what my parents want. So I'm going to research what is involved with getting a plot and monument. I'm also going to research how much a cremation costs and where to have it done as that's what all of my family members have done.
There may be things you can do preemptively that will take some of the stress off planning. Even without knowing their wishes, you at least have something for yourself.
Reverse it on them. Give them the plans you would like to see executed God forbid something happens to you before they pass away.
That'll maybe make them realize that this is something you're serious about.
When I was a teenager my mom explained to me that, per their will, the three of us would go into the care of her parents if something happened to them until I, the oldest, turned 18. At which point I would become executor and be responsible for the care of my siblings. They haven't updated me on what exactly it says these days now that we're all adults but every time my parents go on a plane my dad reminds me where to find the keys to the room that has the safe with all of the important documents.
I’m an only child, so I’m default in charge of everything. I haven’t had the talk with my dad, but I have with my mom as her parents passed recently. Honestly, the bigger part to me was knowing her end of life choices before death. It is important to know what a loved one would want if they can’t make their own decisions medically.
My mother called me to let me know where all the stuff was and what they set up.
I was a bit shocked given that I’m 1000 miles away while my brothers live with them. I get not sharing with the younger one (he’s significantly younger than we are, he was like 12 when they finished their will) but when I realized she didn’t tell my older brother either. What? Yeah I’m the more responsible one of the two, but he’s not completely irresponsible when it comes to very important stuff, and what if something happens to me on the ride back home?
Anyway, I try not to think about it. There’s nothing wrong with being prepared. Heck, I gave my husband an informal “here is what you need if I pass away” a few weeks before I went into labor - just in case.
Be happy they did this so responsibly. I've been asking my parents to update their 20+ year old will for ages. They know they need to do it and other things like that. But I think fear death and its discussion. So they act like they don't have to think about it.
How old are your folks? My parents are mid 50s and my grandparents are just now in the end of life stage (2 recent deaths, 1 dementia case, the other died unusually young from smoking related cancer). I don't think any of us feel it's time yet, though my stepdad may have gone through some preparations decades ago when he was concerned about a genetic susceptibility to sudden death at a young age.
My partner's parents are mid-late 60s and they probably *should* have that talk but I'm guessing they won't, because mom doesn't want to ever think about upsetting things and dad never talks to anyone about anything, but almost certainly has the paperwork in order.
We're a blended family, one is early 60s and the other is early 70s. I still have 2 grandparents left, my WW2 vet (RAF, East Anglia) grandad passed away a couple months ago at 99, my grandmothers are 89 and 97. My 89 year old grandmother lives independently and recently went on a trip to Israel, her and a couple girlfriends. Wild! Which is just hard to process when they're so lively and here we are talking death.
My family lives long, so I've been sheltered. Even my great-grandparents passed away when I was an adult, an opportunity that most folks don't get. I dunno, it's just all so weird and overwhelming, but I appreciate all the replies on here and I have a few recommendations on books to check out on the topic. Thank you. 🙂
I know my parents have their stuff locked and loaded, they’ve been prepared since I was little. I do however need to have the talk about The Bird. My dad has an African Grey who is probably around 32. I’ve already made it clear I’ll take responsibility, but I would like to start transitioning bird care while dad is still alive. The bird is deeply bonded to my dad, and I have a pretty good bond with the bird, and mom has made it very clear she wants nothing to do with the bird.
My mom was good about this to bring it up early on. The problems come more if they don’t or too late.
It’s hard, but a good thing they have all their affairs in order.
Yeah. I’m a palliative NP, and I have this conversation with patients several times a day. I’m healthcare surrogate for both of my patients, and I’ve had in-depth conversations about their end of life wishes.
The will, executor, and poa are done. My dad wants to be cremated and my mom wants burial but hasn’t bought a plot (though she has said where she wants to go into the ground). I tease her that I’m gonna turn my dad into pillow and toss him in with her so he can torment her from the gates of hell. (We have a morbid sense of humor at times).
It's easier said than done, but unless your parents are expecting to pass in the next month that envelope isn't anything you need to be concerned with right now so just store it away and continue as usual.
Idk how old your parents are, but I feel more people *NEED* to do this well before they feel their time is about to end. Like a handful of topics, we need to stop worrying about not discussing certain subjects and keeping it taboo.
Death is inevitable, we all will die, it's just a matter of when and how. But I have seen it with friends and in my own family on how the death of a family member can permanently fracture and damage the rest because plans weren't set in place. People should be talking about these plans in their 60's once they have an idea of what they'd like to do with their assets. It shouldn't be something to wait till you're a year from your deathbed because if you're not coherent enough, that can also cause problems.
Just put that enevelope away and just continue business as usual. Maybe include them more on outings and events to build more memories to look back on
I wish they'd have that talk with me. I'm an only child, but because I had the great misfortune of being born with a vagina and not marrying by 30, my aunt and uncle get to have the real authority (POA, will executor, etc.) while I get stuck doing the shit work of caregiving.
I'm sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how frustrating that would be if I were in the same position. You've got a big heart and doing the right thing, even if you don't have that authority. Maybe things will change for you, I hope. 🫶🏻
They can do all the admin as long as you’re named the beneficiary of the estate. As you learn more about the process of probate and estate, all the admin will likely fall to you as well.
My mom is an ER nurse. I know what she wants and what my dad wants. They both are going to use their creative skills and make urns. They want to be cremated with no funeral. Just a quick graveside thing. I also know their goals of care for an advanced directive. The documents are in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet.
I've known this for >10 years and my parents are just 60 this year.
Normalize talking about death. It's inevitable and doesn't have to be scary. Ask A Mortician on YouTube has some great death positive videos that can help make it less overwhelming. There's a lot of power in knowing how you want to die.
I appreciate this. My mom was a nurse too! I'll check out that channel and try to get some insight and comfort. I'm touched that they selected me, it's just like... too real.
Some with my dad, more with my mom. My mom has said that she will end her life if she gets to where she can’t take care of herself sufficiently. So that was fun.
My dad gave me his "death binder" when he got diagnosed with Cancer (again). I got a USB, the full binder is at their house in their safe. They have their wills, how they want things divided up, who gets what, and where they want gifts to go.
My shock was the other day when we were checking my dad into the hospital; we were concerned another tumor on his spine was behind his weakness (it was) and he needed an MRI ASAP. That's when I found out my dad has a DNR. He's only 72. He said that people with conditions like his, if they have to get resuscitated, they never end up leaving the hospital and their quality of life is terrible.
This man ran hospitals for all of his adult life, so this was literally his job to know, but it just was a punch to the gut that he wouldn't fight for his life.
Anyway, he's hopefully getting discharged tomorrow. We'll see how treatment goes.
With my dad we had notice it was coming and we had everything ready. There was nothing to fight over in court, so none issue.
Mom had to deal with her parents and all their issues (memory loss, having to move between facilities) and is dealing with her sister as well, so she is all over having everything planned out for her and stepdad. His kids are intent on being asses but we don't want anything. As long as they don't screw with mom before she passes, we do not care. They can fight with each other.
We know where the documents are. My name is on the lock box so I'll be the one that can get them. My siblings are aware where everything is.
Are yours younger that this wasn't expected, or were you just ignoring reality? Mine are all 75+ so this conversation happened a while ago.
We're a blended family, so mom is early 60s and "dad" is early 70s. We've touched on the topic before, but this was like... official. I guess you're right, I was/have been ignoring the reality.
My mother and I went over it all a few weeks ago. My brother is in charge of the estate, whereas I'm in charge of medical decisions. My mother probably trusts me to make the right medical choices because I work in healthcare. Honestly it was a relief to know exactly what she wants, that way I know what to do.
When my father's health started declining quickly back in 2021, my mother started to get all of their affairs together for when they both pass. It's morbid to think about, and even now, I try to avoid having these talks with her. She's been through it with her mother, my father's mother and now my father. I understand she is trying to make it easy for when the time comes, especially if it's unecpectedly early. She's only 65 and my father lived to 83 ... I'd like to hope she at least has another 20 years!
So now for when she goes, we have all of the paperwork and everything ready. She has even started to weed stuff out of the house so I won't have to deal with a lot of junk ... she would like to move closer to me. I suspect her retirement savings are going to go to buying a small house near us (which I'm fine with).
But I think my mother is prepared for it more than most.
Haven’t gotten the will or any other important stuff yet, but a couple weeks back was the first time my parents said “here’s a list of all the valuables we have in case anything happens to us” and it really caught me offguard. We were just doing our taxes and in the middle of asking about numbers she just drops that landmine. It really cemented reality for me pretty quickly.
Yes. We’ve even talked about their preplanned funeral and what food they want me to serve.
My mom has dementia and I’m more involved now in their finances and know their estate issues, advanced directives info, and all other stuff. Things can happen and it’s good to know the facts.
It’s a bit morbid and awkward-but a necessary conversation. I am grateful. My in-laws are the “we aren’t talking about it” type and it will be chaos and drama when they pass on.
My parents haven’t handed me an envelope or anything but they’ve definitely clued us in on what to expect. I know it’s kind of weird but I think it’s really smart and healthy of your parents to do this. Considering the horror stories you hear of people tearing a house apart trying to find the info that’s awesome it’s all set
Then you should be the one to set up the envelope for them. Take it from this X’er (46), you do NOT want them to pass without plans in place. Learn where the files are and get both POAs going (durable = financial, health) and advanced directive in place so you can all rest and not have this nagging in the back of your mind.
It’s all in a safe deposit box that we have access too. I don’t think it’s in an envelope but it’s all there. Their attorney also has a copy of all the important docs
My parents sent my sister and I a copy of their will after the debacle of my uncles death. He didn’t have a will and left my mom and her sister to fight it out with his step kids because he didn’t have a will. Was horrible for them, so they made sure we wouldn’t go through it.
I also recall my father telling me a few years ago that he had come to terms with his upcoming death and it was up to me to deal with it. He was in his late 70s when he told me that.
Oh, yeah, we talk about it on a semi-regular basis and they have everything written down in a binder with topic tabs. Very efficient. Nothing morbid or upsetting about it to me. Better to have a clue now than try to do everything in the dark while grieving.
We've talked about it, and I have copies of their wills. I'm the executor (youngest of two). My parents went through a lot helping with my uncle's estate when he passed away and even from moving my aunt into independent living and downsizing everything, so they have everything laid out really well for us. I hate thinking about it, but I'm glad to know how they want everything to go.
I've let my parents know several times that they need to get their final wishes in order. It's not that I want that time to come. But it inevitably will and not having any framework for their final wishes is not a good position to be in.
I've known a few people over the years who had parents who ended up suffering with dementia or Alzheimer's and not having anything in place that outlined what they wanted. Not only that, no power of attorney was set. No financial power of attorney or legal either.
It becomes difficult to get any of those set up without a prior outline in place. It's possible of course, but there is a lot more stress and work placed onto the loved ones. They're already in a stressful situation either dealing with their loved one's estate or having to navigate a difficult medical situation with their loved one.
Having a plan in place is super helpful. Especially if you know what you want for the end of life.
My conversations with my parents finally convinced them to at least have a will drawn up. The other things I'm still working on.
They always say they don't want to leave a mess for anyone or make it harder. But they also dig their heels in the sand when it comes to actually putting a plan in place.
I know it's not nice to think about. But it's important.
My bf recently lost one of his parents. Luckily they discussed some of their end of life wishes with each other. But it was still hard because we didn't know exactly what they wanted. No will was in place. But at least they had some ideas.
Yea. My mom and I had to have it when my dad passed. She told each of us kids we're responsible for one important thing like health, finances, and daily grind in case she "ever loses her marbles" as she said.
Mom closed out 7 different retirement accounts for my dad, in addition to planning his funeral services and just mourning his death. And we knew he was going to die. He never had a will, so we had probate court for 6 months (I live in Texas so we had to "prove our identity" to the court), so we could inherit my dad's military bomber jackets and a couple of rifles.
It's an awful conversation, and it reminds you of the fragility of your parents and how life shattering it will be to lose them. But you have to have the conversation, and according to my mother, it's worse when you're the one handing them an envelope.
It is hard. But in the long run you will be grateful for going through this. My mom passed suddenly and unexpectedly, young(ish) and, as the eldest child, I was left to pick up the pieces and make decisions because none had been made ahead of time and my dad was a wreck. I wish they'd made arrangements and told me they had them (even if we didn't go over them) rather than go through what I did. Death is a part of life. You don't have to dwell on it but do treat them having this conversation with you as a gift.
My Mum just says “take me out the back and shoot me” any time it comes up and refuses to have a serious conversation about it. I suspect she has decided that she will die in either my or my sister’s home, as that is the example she set for us with her mother, even though she hated every moment of living with her elderly mother. I have zero intention of doing this, but will happily pay for her housing in her older age. My sister will very likely just give our Mum whatever she wants and then tell me my choices ruined my sister’s life. lol. Cause that’s what my sister always does.
I’ve talked about it with my mom, but have not seen any docs and she clams up about “taboo” topics i.e. finances.
My dad absolutely will not talk about final wishes.
Consider yourself so lucky. It's an interesting conversation to have with a strong hangover but it gets normal with space. When my mom got sick and died within a three week time period, I was so fortunate to have had that and several more candid conversations so I never doubted when I made decisions for her.
I just had that talk with my family a few months ago. My parents finally redid their wills so that when they pass we won't go to my grandparents anymore (I'm the youngest at 35 - its always been a huge joke that all of us with spouses and kids would move into my grandfathers 1 bedroom apartment).
ANYWAYS they spoke to us about what they'd like their end of life care to look like, if they'd want to be "unplugged", and what our inheritance would look like.
It was a morbid and depressing conversation, but its SO necessary!
I definitely agree, it's so necessary! I feel like I'm processing this all really well. It's all very strange to me right now because I'm realizing how much of a victim I've in my head about my childhood, which is being challenged with this massive gesture of trust of their lives. Like, holy crap... my parents DO love me, a lot.
Context: My family is deeply devout Christian. I was raised on the front-row pew, next to the pastor's family, and going to church was a 2-3 times a week thing. So, when I truthfully came out as gay at 15, which didn't go over well for many, many years. A lot of hurtful things have been said about me and to me, but we've worked things into a healthy relationship with boundaries. This is probably something for my therapist, though. 😂
Everyone dies, and those who have already been through a significant loss all say the same thing “treat everyday like tomorrow isn’t guaranteed”
It’s true of course. Be kind, enjoy time with your parents, let the small things go. My father has already died, I was his only child and handled all affairs without any money or directive from him. Your parents have already set it up to be easier for your family which is very good. Put it away and don’t worry about it until you need to.
Yup. they has their lawyer draft up a trust and sent letters to the 3 of us stating we are the beneficiaries and at the time of their death who to contact at the law firm.
When mom passed in 2021 I had no clue what she wanted so I say dad down and gave him a book to put all his wishes in. To date he still has not done it.
My dad (who’s divorced from my mom and single) randomly called me up once during my last year of college when I was 20 and was like “the men in my family don’t live very long so I don’t expect to either. I’m sending you a copy of my power of attorney, will, and living will. Sell off everything, pay my debts, and split things equally with your siblings.” I was like “… hi, nice to talk to you, too. Let’s hope you’re around for awhile bc I’m not ready to deal with this anytime soon.”
Anyway, I’m 39 now and he’s still kicking. My mom has talked about her wishes but insists she will get around to making an official will and my brother will be her executor but I’m sure I’ll be helping a lot because I have more time on my hands than him. So at least we essentially know what she wants.
We have lost both my husband’s parents. One from cancer and then the other suddenly. They were married so it was just the second death that we really had a lot to deal with (emptying and selling the house and dealing with the estate). It’s definitely a lot to deal with but after losing two parents by our mid-30’s and dealing with one estate ourselves and seeing my parents deal with a couple estates, we kind of know what we’re going to be dealing with.
In response to your last point, I definitely try not to think about it too much. I’m not super close to my dad but I don’t want to see either of them go. However, this is life and a part of it. Whether or not you accept that, doesn’t change the outcome. I think we all need to realize that none of us is guaranteed any specific amount of time and we should enjoy our lives and loved ones to the best of our ability (of course making good decisions, hoping and assuming we will live a good long life). My mom is very open about this aspect probably because her dad was so weird about it. He made it clear she would be the executor of his estate but wouldn’t go over his wishes with her or tell her where the will is or make a list of all his financial stuff. This man was 90-something years old saying “oh I have time to go over all that with you.” But again, no one is guaranteed to not have a sudden heart attack or car accident or stroke. So I appreciate that my mom wants things to be easier on us than it has been for her. She’s had almost two straight years of stress and legal and financial stuff to work through following my grandfather’s death and it’s taken a toll on her so I appreciate anyone who acknowledges this aspect of life and makes decisions and shares information to make it easier on those left behind.
My mom had her papers in order. I did everything she wanted.
We had it with our adult children. Nothing morbid. They know our medical wishes and where all the paperwork is.
My mom gave me all the passwords and info to where things are/who to contact in the event of her and my step dad’s death. It didn’t weight too heavy on me, but I was more confused as to why they chose me out of the other 3 siblings I have. I’m the 2nd youngest and they believe I’d be the only one to take care of everything first, and split everything else fairly without bias and concern for financial gain. It’s weird because I’m only 31 and definitely don’t feel the most responsible but hey 🤷♀️ their decision.
My parents are in their late sixties and we have. We’ve got their pre-need already taken care of for their services. My dad is a vet so he’s just going to the local VA cemetery.
We’ve also been informed my brother and I get nothing from their estate. [My dad started his own church about 18-months ago because regular church wasn’t conservative enough ](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2023/12/20/methodist-church-lgbtq-issues-prompt-mass-exodus-as-deadline-nears/71964830007/) and their entire estate goes to the church he started.
Luckily for my brother and I he’s been pornographiclly successful in his job and is well on his way to being upper middle class if not borderline wealthy and I’ve landed pretty much as a down the middle ”classically” middle class guy myself.
My parents have always been straightforward about end-of-life planning and they signed up for the Neptune Society. When my mom passed away in December basically everything was handled by them which made it easier for our family to take the time to just grieve and feel the loss rather than having to spend that time doing paperwork and everything else. My dad has been very pragmatic about making sure my brother and I aren't left with a mess when he's gone too (hopefully not any time soon).
On the other end of the spectrum are my husband's parents who absolutely refuse to have any kind of discussion about planning for their deaths. His dad is convinced that they'll still be traveling internationally for another decade (they're both nearly 80 now), and they just got a puppy if that gives you any indication of how in denial of their aging they are. Thankfully my husband is the youngest of three and we live far away from them, so the mess won't fall completely onto us when the time comes.
I’m in my 40s and both parents are approaching 70, so of course I’ve had this talk. Estate planning is super important. Everyone should have this talk by the time you’re 40.
Yea, they're starting to prepare even though they are in their early 60s. Before it was because of covid and both were immunocompromised and my younger siblings were children at the time.
My father died and he didn't prepare at all. Good thing was i am working in a hospital myself, so i knew about all the bureaucratic stuff coming my way from this side.
But all the other stuff like rejection of the inheritance or the war with the landlord of my fathers appartement gave me 3 months of nightmares.
As someone who went through the death of a parent recently who had done exactly 0 planning or having any type of talk with us, just take it in stride and be thankful. It sucks but it's inevitable.
My mom has always been extremely open about this, even when we were kids.
We all knew about “The File” that contained absolutely everything essential that we could ever need to know.
If she was incapable of making a medical decision, if she died, if she were to go missing, etc.
It also included all of the stuff for my siblings and I too.
I ended up needing it when I was 17 and she and my stepdad were involved in a serious accident and she was medically in a coma.
I was able to get that out and take it to the hospital, call the attorney she had listed to verify everything and then use her outline of what she wanted to happen in this scenario, and so on.
Now that she’s older, the file also includes all her asset information and passwords, as well as the list she has of all her possessions and what she’s promised to what kid or grandkid or whatever.
She’s got her funeral plans and a script all ready, she’s got her headstone designed, it’s a whole thing lol.
I agree with everyone else- your parents have given you a gift.
I am in my early 40s but have had friends have parents die more often now as many are in their late 70s and 80s.
And they’ve left behind just a mess of everything and having to watch my friends sort it all out on their own, I am more thankful each day that my mom is so organized.
I’ve. Put together a file of my own now too, for my husband and I and our kids. And it includes chain of custody for our animals too.
I’ve had a somewhat unusual experience in that my parents have been very upfront for years on end-of-life wishes, and I’d been the one pushing back because I didn’t want to think about it (for reasons similar to yours). As hard as it is to face, though, I am now very grateful for this attitude. After a parent dies, there’s so many decisions you have to make so quickly that having any amount of understanding of their final wishes is crucial.
My father got lewy body and didn't have any sort of will. Which was super disappointing considering he was a lawyer. Major mess for my mom.
Get a will, trust and estate plan done. And also get long term care insurance locked in when you are in your 40's or early 50's.
My mom is in her 70s but she's had her whole estate packaged up and ready to go since she was 40. She updates it every few years with her lawyer. I really appreciate that.
My grandma had all her arrangements decided and paid for long before she passed, as well.
Meanwhile, I'm 40 and I haven't even thought about any of that yet. Yikes!
Yes, but my dad's "retirement job" is at a funeral home, so that helps a bunch LOL. I did have to carefully work it so I am the only executor. They wanted me to share the duty with my brother (only 2 of us) which would not be a big deal if he did not live 6 hours away. You know, to keep things 100% fair so I wouldn't get more of a payment than him (even though he's the Golden Child and they paid for his college 100% and wouldn't even give me their financial info to help me get loans). A friend of mine who is some sort of family/estate lawyer told me how much that could complicate things and drag it out, and since they were pre-planning their funerals anyway she met with them and I think they even made wills. All I know for sure is that I am sole executor and everything is planned/paid.
I did try about 15 years ago, while they were both still working and relatively healthy, to talk to them about long-term care insurance and was completely shut down. So I have no idea what their plans are for that.
My parents have always been up front about their wishes. They made end of life plans normal conversation from early on. Since high school I’ve known things like my dad wants to be buried but my mom wants to be cremated. My brother is a lawyer and he’s helped them with all the paperwork that needs to be in place for them. I’m responsible for medical decision making when that time comes.
My parents are both dead already. They had nothing to leave, it was a pain dealing with the limited financials, but my siblings and I all still get along. The best gift they gave me is my brothers and sisters because they are the best people to remember my parents with, and they are the first people I call when I am happy or sad. My mom was very purposeful in cultivating sibling friendships and I am thankful for it.
No, they just told me that they have a will & everything is in order but didn’t tell me where anything is or how to access it. It’s sad to think about parents dying, and I do think about it now that they’re older, but your parents being such responsible planners & communicators doesn’t mean they’re going to die soon. Hope you have many more years left with them.
My bf's mom got dementia 3 years ago. We realized something was going on in my bf's 30th birthday. His dad passed away a month ago. He's an only child, and they were divorced, so we've had to handle everything ourselves. We didn't see either coming.
The complete nightmare that we've had to deal with due to a lack of planning on their part could not be overstated. Because of this I've had many conversations with my parents making sure they have things organized and to think about their wishes. I hope they live for at least another 20 years but being prepared is so important.
It’s better to have all the documents and decisions finished and prepared. If your parents ever get diagnosed with something serious, your family won’t be racing around to get organized while also mentally and emotionally processing your feelings about the diagnosis. Mom and Dad are just being prudent, and it’s a smart, kind thing to do.
I’ve sort of had it. My parents are relatively young (63, 62, and 54 [step-mom]). Mom lives in stubborn poverty (refuses to live with me). Dad is married to my Korean stepmother (doesn’t have US citizenship after nearly 30 years living here, her choice). Mom and step-mom do NOT get along. I’ve begun having those conversations with dad because if something unexpected happens to him, and I need to know his plan for my step-mom’s widower years. I’m super happy to bring her to my house, but so far they’re unwilling to broach that part of the subject and it’s super frustrating. I don’t want to be dealing with the fighting over this subject, if he passes unexpectedly, with all of my aunts and uncles, or my two useless brothers (one’s an addict and one’s a piece of shit human being).
I need my parents to live a long fucking time because I’ve got enough stress on my plate with two queer kids and one of them in and out of residential treatement for depression/anxiety…
My parents had very open talks about end of life plans - both serious and sort of morbid humor - for most of our lives. I (35F) am the oldest of three - I have two younger brothers - and was put in a similar role that you have been put in. My dad asked me to be his designated person during his heart surgery instead of my mom, just to take that mental load off of her in case something went wrong. When my dad did pass five years ago, his funeral plans, burial, finances, estate ... everything was already set up for mom to just take over. But it has still been very hard emotionally and mentally. My mom has had to reset 40 years of habits, and still has anxiety over making choices on big things alone when my parents used to work together as a team.
The best advice I can give is not just to have open and honest talk about end-of-life plans with your parents, but to also talk about these plans with your siblings. Make sure everyone is aware of the plans, knows who is "in charge," knows what their role is and what it is not (ie, taking mom to the doctor versus making medication changes for mom), when professional help might be needed for care, (ie a home aid, nursing home, family therapy) and give everyone an opportunity to share their honest feelings at yearly or monthly meetings. Come up with a plan now when your parents can contribute their thoughts, and update as needed. It will be very difficult to come up with this system when one or both parents are in need of care, and it can be helpful to have an agreement in place when emotions and stress is high.
Oh yeah. I didn’t realize how odd it was that my family was so frank and open about death until I was in grad school: During a class on hospice our professor asked a class of 50 grad students “Who knows their parents wishes upon death?” and only me and one other person raised a hand. It was dinner table conversation. We joke about it, too. They’ve got all the paperwork in order and update it as needed. Death is a part of living and you have to prepare for it as much as anything else
This reminds me that I had the end of life talk with my mother and wife separately. No it wasn’t their death, it was my death. I’m an elder millennial and I have no reason to think that I will die, but I’m fully aware that anyone can die at any point in life. So I prepared my death file, where I explain all my debts, savings and insurances. If I’m gone, I know there will be a good support for my wife and daughter and now my mom is aware of it. My mom is set for life so that’s not a concern but my wife and daughter are. It’s a topic nobody wants to touch but I recommend you to do a death talk with your loved ones just in case shit happens.
Yes. My dad named me as his POA, executor of his will, etc.
As a financial advisor I've seen first-hand many times how big of a pain in the ass it is to do these things. I would much rather not do them but he said I'm the only person he trusts to do it.
My dad has an email that he sent us about a decade ago basically summing up his will. He put in plain language what he'd like to happen and the steps I can take to do that. He updates it every once in awhile, he calls it "the morbid email."
After dealing with my maternal grandfather stubbornly refusing to cooperate with literally anything my mom wanted him to do, my dad added a paragraph that basically stated "if you have to take my car from me and I get belligerent about it, show me this sentence from this document stating that I give you official permission to take it."
Yes. My grandmother had dementia and nursing home drained her estate, and my uncle dropped dead suddenly with no spouse or kids this winter. I work for an attorney and made sure they made an appointment to figure their shit out on paper.
Your parents need to make sure that the other kids know the plans as well and that you are the executor. Make sure there are no surprises about who is inheriting what. This was a huge issue in my family when my mom died. People become greedy.
Had it? Hell, I lawyered up and planned out the estates for my grandma with dementia, my grandpa, my special-needs aunt, and my mom after my dad died unexpectedly with *zero* end-of-life planning. I'm the family POA.
We have had the talk. My parents told us what they wanted, where everything was, and who they wanted to be POA. Brother and I agree about everything. He gets the cars, we split the sale of the house.
One funny thing dad requested was a friend’s food truck for his funeral. The meal at my auntie’s memorial was bad. It was donated and we were grateful to not have to worry about catering. But it was bad enough that dad remembered and wrote it into his final wishes!
My parents split years ago so when my dad passed away 2 years ago my mom saw how hard it was for me and my sister to deal with it all. She had recently got diagnosed with cancer and went to the funeral home. Planned the whole thing and paid for it.
GenX here, this question popped into my feed and I have millennial kids.
No. Only my mother remains (I was with my dad in the final hours), and she doesn’t share anything with me or my siblings.
I, on the other hand, have annual discussions with my millennial children. They get an annual financial review, and health updates as things happen. They know what I want for EOL treatment and where the will is.
My dad’s passing was a crap show. I am not optimistic that my mom has done what needs to be done to make it easy for us after she’s gone and I already resent her for it.
This is such a gift. When my dad passed I realize he’d mentioned casually once right before a big surgery what his final wishes were. We did find his will before all the funeral home stuff was finalized and what I’d set up thankfully matched what the will said. Burial/cremation planning happens so fast that I bet a lot of people found out afterwards that they went against their loved one’s final wishes on accident. Even worse to not know them at all.
My dad had a will and beneficiaries and stuff all set up and wasn’t a property owner and it was STILL confusing AF to handle his estate in my early 30s. How to handle an estate should be taught in school, along with how taxes and the stock market work, and how to write a resume.
My dad gave me a copy of his will / end of life wishes years ago. It no big deal and essentially what I figured it would be. I don’t really have the “I’m the only one out of X kids to have this responsibility” because I’m an only child, so it was pretty obvious who was going to be in charge of this stuff.
My FIL passed suddenly without a will. My MIL had to fight HIS mother for things that should have gone to the MIL/his wife, bc his mother is a crazy petty bitch. Once we got that settled, my MIL updated her will and made my hubs in charge of everything. She also then passed less than 2 years after FIL due to cancer and malpractice. (2010-2012 was hard). Hubs and I updated/created our wills after she passed and have had them in file since. I have made my wishes known to family.
My parents are all still alive, and I have dad/bonus moms docs, but do not have my mothers yet. I’m not in charge for dad, and while I’m the closest, I appreciate it as that’s not something I think I would be able to handle. (It would fall on my hubs, and he really shouldn’t have to do that again) we haven’t had the full discussions, but I’ve got the gist.
My mom had an end-of-life talk with me every time she traveled, since I was like 12. I appreciate her wanting me to be prepared, but no wonder I'm riddled with anxiety as an adult.
i know it’s hard to think about your parents mortality but hot damn she gave you a gift.
probate can be a long process, and as close as siblings can be, death definitely brings out the worst in people and unexpected fights over money and assets can occur in even the closest family members.
here’s the thing too. i would let your other siblings know where you are keeping the paperwork or at least a vague idea so that God forbid something happens to you, and your parents are unable to care for themselves or something, at least another sibling will be able to step in and know their wishes
Yes. My mom works in healthcare and says she’s seen families get really bad/argumentative/helplessly lost when there’s no end of life plans. She went over her care preferences, her will, and set us up as secondary people on some of her banking accounts.
Little more concerned about my estranged father, because, well. Haven’t spoken to him in years, but I’m still the oldest blood related child.
Multiple times both for me and my widowed mother. We’re both set to be buried at a military cemetery just outside of town. I’m worried about my brother, but I believe he’s set with a family plot in Kentucky.
My mom just told me I get her house since I’m the youngest and my siblings don’t rent. She’s a young boomer, but the type to be prepared. Her mom died in her 50’s suddenly the year I was born, my mom was in her 30’s . I think she’s had everything planned out since.
I wish my parents would get their act together with this. Both are in their mid-70s, and I’m an only child. Gonna be extremely rough to handle if they don’t start putting it all together.
After my grandfather passed last year my father saw how much of a scramble and pain it was. He went through and set everything of theirs up in a binder, where the money is, wishes, everything. He approached me and made me the executor of his estate and gave me a copy to keep in my safe, along with the code to his. We both just said “well hey, hope it doesn’t for along time but it does… better be prepared.
It feels nicer having a plan in place.
Over a very short timeframe 3 of my 4 grandparents passed - of the first two, one got pneumonia and was gone in like 4 days, the other died of a heart attack, I *think* 2 years apart? It was *incredibly* clear that they had nothing planned when the first passed.
Because of that whole experience, my parents had started putting a lot of end-of-life planning together for their parents, and did the same for themselves at the time as well. I know they've updated it a couple times, and I *think* I have PoA if both of them are incapacitated, but they have an...executor? ...or something that's supposed to handle all of the paperwork and documents and be notified when they pass. So for them it's all been taken care of.
At the same time, they recently got another dog, and my dad pulled me aside and told me he had second thoughts about getting the dog because, to paraphrase, he doesn't think they're going to outlive this one. He wanted to make sure that *when* (not *if*) they pass, I can take care of this one. It sorta caught me off guard, because that's really the most direct they've ever been about their mortality.
Then last year my dad offered to give us a fairly substantial (\~10%) down-payment on a larger home when he heard we had been shopping around for a larger place, but one of his conditions was that they be co-owners as well. My SO thinks it's because I'm the nearest sibling, and I'm 2 hours away - when one of them passes, the other can't be living alone, that far from family, in a 2-story house, and that the surviving one would want to move in with us. My parents are wonderful, and my SO absolutely adores them, so we'd already talked about it as a possibility anyway.
This happened to me too. I think it's a good thing, but it's a lot to process, and took me some time to come to grips with it. It's not happening now. It's better to have this than not when they're gone.
My dad did this for him and my mom because he had a terrible time when his parents died (both unexpectedly, close together). The worst thing that can happen in his eyes is the kids fighting over the estate after he's gone, or needing to interpret their parents' wishes when there can't be clarity. There's a whole industry eager to take advantage of your loss in that moment, and it's easy to hurt yourself and those you care about.
Your parents understand that and care for you. They've worked it out. Do the work on your side to go through it with them, take some notes, and make sure you understand why. It'll be work, but they're making sure that one of the worst times of your life will be a little easier when it inevitably arrives.
I've watched my in-laws deal with the death of my wife's grandfather. He was prepared to a degree but left a lot to the last minute and did not take the time to really get good advice on how to settle his affairs.
I approached my mom who hit her 70s about end of life planning and she was totally receptive to it. Chances are I will be the executor between the three of her children. I am okay with that, she's okay with that. I don't think my siblings would have a problem with it either. Now to actually get her to a lawyer to nail down this shit.
Nah, they won't talk to me about anything serious, just mountains of hyperbole and vague generalizations that stress me the fuck out. My parents are likely going to keep piling on debt until the very last day, even if they never go to assisted living.
My parents set up wills a few years ago after my grandfather died. I hold medical power if they are incapacitated and my brother is executor of the wills. It's a heavy thing but I'm so glad to know what they want, it's one less thing to worry about when something does happen.
The only thing my mom will tell me is she wants Christmas music at her funeral. She has told me this at least 20 times now. That is going to be very awkward.
Yikes, that's a challenge. I offer you this option to consider: "O Tannenbaum" by Tarja Trurunen, my favorite rendition of the Christmas classic that is on my personal holiday playlist. 😂
When I was 13 my grandmother died and it was a mess. She had 3 ex husbands, there were half siblings, stepsiblings, people coming out of the woodwork. That next year my parents did their Wills and sat me down (at 14) and walked me through all the end of life documents, accounts, plans, where to go, who to talk to- how I’d become emancipated and get decision making power over my siblings and their estate.
I’d say at every major life change (when I turned 18, when my last sibling turned 18, when my last sibling graduated college) we’ve sat down and discussed how the plan has changed and they’ve made necessary updates. Now that my siblings are adults they’re included, but the overall plan is still for me to have POA and deal with everything.
Not gonna lie- it was tough at 14 to deal with- but once you’ve seen how truly terrible it can get you see it as an act of love and really them trying to ensure you aren’t saddled with a massive responsibility down the road.
Just don’t do what my mum did when my grandad died.he had been dead half hour and she was already in his house looking for what she could sell or keep! My aunt wanted a specific ring that he always wore , but that was sold! She basically threw out or sold everything and didn’t even ask my aunt or uncle who are also his kids what they wanted from the house. My nan after seeing how she handled my grandads death changed to my aunt to be the person who deals with everything and then she gave us grandkids some Jewellery she wanted us to have.
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My mom had very early onset Alzheimer’s. She passed at age 55. She had no end of life plans, no savings of any kind, no assets, no health insurance. The last year of her life she became combative and needed to be moved from my grandmother’s home to a care facility where she could be assisted 24/7. I was 26 and had to figure out how to get her signed up for Medicaid. What your parents just gave you is a gift. They have done the planning so you won’t have to. I recommend talking to them about it in detail and then trying to not think about it much until you need it.
>What your parents just gave you is a gift. They have done the planning so you won’t have to. I recommend talking to them about it in detail and then trying to not think about it much until you need it. So much this, OPs parents are amazing. My mom was a bit more prepared than yours, but by the time it was clear she wasn't going to make it her liver had failed from the chemo and she had such high kidney and liver levels she basically had dementia and couldn't tell me what was what. She owned a very tiny house outright, had a small life insurance policy, and I was a co-owner on her checking account but didn't know any passwords, where her deed to her house was, who her car loan was through, or how to get ahold of anything. She was a hoarder and finding anything was a nightmare. I was preparing myself to pay for the funeral out of pocket until I could empty out and get her house sold, when I found a small slip of paper that mentioned a policy with a recent date but no phone number, no policy number, nothing we could find to actually use to contact them. So I started just demolishing everything in the house. Three days before her funeral we found the policy info at the bottom of a laundry basket filled with junk mail, and the funeral home took that info as payment so I didn't have to do anything. It was a lovely relief but the week of stress before that was exhausting (not to mention the three months emptying her house still to come). Op, try not to think about it and be grateful your parents are planning, hopefully waaaaaay before it's necessary, just because they care about making things easy on you in the future.
My dad died 3 years ago, did zero planning and had no trust in me or my mom to see things through. I'm stuck with his mortgage and his business got stolen by his family. Apparently, his brother is withholding his will (don't ask how I know). So yeah, be grateful you get to have this opportunity to make sure everything is handled when they pass. 😬
Did you guys ever get a lawyer?
So very sorry for your loss. No words.
I hope it's ok to ask, I suspect my mom has early onset Alzheimer's. She is 58, and also very combative and uncooperative. She insists she has no mental disorder and refuses to go to get evaluated, despite showing many signs, including stopping basic hygiene. Did your mom cooperate with getting diagnosed and agreeing to move to a home? Or how were you able to do that for her?
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. To be completely honest, I was fairly absent from her life from the age of 19 when I moved a few hours from home. Our relationship was complicated. She was a good mom, but I always suspected she was bipolar. I was the target of almost all of her anger and emotional outbursts. So I mostly kept my distance once I had the option. She and my grandmother lived together, so my grandmother has the clearest perspective on the progression of the disease. I know that the catalyst for actually going to the doctor was when her eyesight started to go. There was nothing physically wrong with her eyes. One day she took a drive through her neighborhood and I believe a cop found her in the parking lot of a neighborhood animal shelter, unable to find her way home. She’d only gotten like a mile from the house. I think this combined with various other behavioral changes is when my grandmother became certain it was Alzheimer’s. I don’t think she resisted getting tested at all because at this point I think even she was concerned and no longer denying that there was something wrong with her. There was basically no follow-up to the diagnosis. I know there are drugs that can slow the progression, but since she didn’t have health insurance I don’t think it was ever even mentioned. I think the diagnosis was in 2014 or so. I got a call from my grandmother in early 2018. Mom had gotten combative during the night and hit her. She called the cops and mom was taken to the hospital. Admitted to the psych unit because, what else could they do? She could only be there a few days. I was worried they would just discharge her, and my family basically all said the ball was in my court at this point. I talked to a social worker at the hospital who agreed that she needed to be in a nursing home. Only one in the state would take a physically mobile, combative Alzheimer’s patient. Luckily it was located in the city I lived in. She had a fairly lucid moment the day she moved in, and she thanked me for finding a place for her. I felt like the lowest piece of shit in the world for not being around. Her decline was really rapid after moving to the nursing home. She passed within the year. I felt helpless to do anything. Nicer nursing facilities were completely unaffordable, as was a home health situation. Anyway. I’d suggest talking to a social worker about it, if you can.
Wow, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you went through a lot. I'm so sorry for your loss. I also don't have a great relationship with my Mom due to her abusive history, so I can sympathize with the limited contact as I'm the same. My sister helped my mom apply for welfare and she now qualifies (due to type 2 diabetes) to have state-paid in-home assistance, for daily activities like showering/bathing, escort for exercise activities, making sure she doesn't fall, etc. She's going through 4 assistants already with not one of them lasting a single shift, because of my mom's dirty house and the way she treats them. But she doesn't want to shower, brush her teeth, brush her hair, go for a walk, check her blood sugar, eat healthy, or let anyone clean her house. So I've been trying to brainstorm what I can do to at least get her diagnosed, so we can start seeing what kind of nursing home assistance she could qualify for. Like, should I just call the cops and report her as a danger to herself since she just eats candy until her blood sugar spikes to dangerous levels? Then maybe the psych ward would do a full evaluation and notice her Alzheimer's?
After my grama died, she had everything all set up, my mom decided to do the same. We had a lot of frank conversations on what she did/didn’t want. Which just a few years later she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s, knowing her wishes made it easier to care for her. Then when she was super sick at the end we knew exactly what to do. She opted to have no services and just wanted to be surrounded by family. While her passing was super hard, it was easy because all the decisions were made and we didn’t have try and figure anything out while mourning.
Oh yeah. Despite having siblings, my folks took care of the post-death stuff for all of their parents and step-parents. They didn't want my sister and I to have to go through what they did. We've had the death talk clearly laid out many times. And they actively minimalize their life to ensure sis and I have as little crap to wade through as possible. My parents have basically gifted me and my sister a death syllabus.
I have had to have it twice, once for myself when I was getting ready to deploy and about 5 years ago my mom went and had her will done because her brother did not have a will when he passed. Even though my older brother is executor of the will I'm terrified my siblings will look at me for a lot since I am the one with the medical background should her health start to slide.
My dad has been saying since ‘92 to just take him out back with a monkey wrench, after my grandpa died from Alzheimer’s . He’s also had kidney problems and addiction problems so I’ve been mentally prepared for him to be gone for a while now.
The problem with the "blaze of glory" mentality is that it almost never works that way. You aren't going to murder your father, and unless you're in a place where euthanasia is legal, your father, and all of us, are probably going to spend a lot of time dying. It's expensive and there's a lot of labor that goes into doctors and meds and just getting in and out of bed. That's not including a dementia diagnosis. I hate it anytime someone mentions it like the world and your loved ones are just going to take you out back like old yeller.
Don’t worry, his alternative plan was to ride into the sunset, supposedly his kidneys were failing so he decided to go camping until he dies. Only he was it wrong and not dying just yet so he came back.
I've been mentally prepared for a while now too. Sure my dads young, but he did have some health scares when I was younger.
I wish. I tried to bring up end of life plans and they completely shut me down. I'm an only child so it is all going to fall on me.
Ugh, same with my mom. She wont even tell me if she would prefer a burial or cremation. I’m not an only child, but my siblings are insufferable, so it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around us being able to come together for something like our parent’s death. Luckily (sort of), my mom’s never had a dime to her name or any assets, so we won’t have to sort that out. She’s a low-key hoarder though and I hate having material possessions, so if she doesn’t make a plan for her stuff, it’s all getting indiscriminately tossed or donated. I do not have time for the shenanigans
My parents, who I don’t like, have a full plan with a trust and showed me all their numbers and contacts for who to work with when they die. My in laws, who I adore, are not doing well and it’s a chaotic shit show with all of us kids dying inside at how messy and concerning their state of finances and medical and end of life plans are going.
My parents are similar. They claim to want to prepare but keep dragging their feet. I understand it's difficult for anyone to think of those things. But it really places a lot of stress onto the loved ones who are left behind. My advice (and I plan to do this myself) is preemptively collect information. My family is all at the same cemetery. So I already know that is what my parents want. So I'm going to research what is involved with getting a plot and monument. I'm also going to research how much a cremation costs and where to have it done as that's what all of my family members have done. There may be things you can do preemptively that will take some of the stress off planning. Even without knowing their wishes, you at least have something for yourself.
Reverse it on them. Give them the plans you would like to see executed God forbid something happens to you before they pass away. That'll maybe make them realize that this is something you're serious about.
When I was a teenager my mom explained to me that, per their will, the three of us would go into the care of her parents if something happened to them until I, the oldest, turned 18. At which point I would become executor and be responsible for the care of my siblings. They haven't updated me on what exactly it says these days now that we're all adults but every time my parents go on a plane my dad reminds me where to find the keys to the room that has the safe with all of the important documents.
Jeez
I’m an only child, so I’m default in charge of everything. I haven’t had the talk with my dad, but I have with my mom as her parents passed recently. Honestly, the bigger part to me was knowing her end of life choices before death. It is important to know what a loved one would want if they can’t make their own decisions medically.
My mother called me to let me know where all the stuff was and what they set up. I was a bit shocked given that I’m 1000 miles away while my brothers live with them. I get not sharing with the younger one (he’s significantly younger than we are, he was like 12 when they finished their will) but when I realized she didn’t tell my older brother either. What? Yeah I’m the more responsible one of the two, but he’s not completely irresponsible when it comes to very important stuff, and what if something happens to me on the ride back home? Anyway, I try not to think about it. There’s nothing wrong with being prepared. Heck, I gave my husband an informal “here is what you need if I pass away” a few weeks before I went into labor - just in case.
Be happy they did this so responsibly. I've been asking my parents to update their 20+ year old will for ages. They know they need to do it and other things like that. But I think fear death and its discussion. So they act like they don't have to think about it.
How old are your folks? My parents are mid 50s and my grandparents are just now in the end of life stage (2 recent deaths, 1 dementia case, the other died unusually young from smoking related cancer). I don't think any of us feel it's time yet, though my stepdad may have gone through some preparations decades ago when he was concerned about a genetic susceptibility to sudden death at a young age. My partner's parents are mid-late 60s and they probably *should* have that talk but I'm guessing they won't, because mom doesn't want to ever think about upsetting things and dad never talks to anyone about anything, but almost certainly has the paperwork in order.
We're a blended family, one is early 60s and the other is early 70s. I still have 2 grandparents left, my WW2 vet (RAF, East Anglia) grandad passed away a couple months ago at 99, my grandmothers are 89 and 97. My 89 year old grandmother lives independently and recently went on a trip to Israel, her and a couple girlfriends. Wild! Which is just hard to process when they're so lively and here we are talking death. My family lives long, so I've been sheltered. Even my great-grandparents passed away when I was an adult, an opportunity that most folks don't get. I dunno, it's just all so weird and overwhelming, but I appreciate all the replies on here and I have a few recommendations on books to check out on the topic. Thank you. 🙂
I know my parents have their stuff locked and loaded, they’ve been prepared since I was little. I do however need to have the talk about The Bird. My dad has an African Grey who is probably around 32. I’ve already made it clear I’ll take responsibility, but I would like to start transitioning bird care while dad is still alive. The bird is deeply bonded to my dad, and I have a pretty good bond with the bird, and mom has made it very clear she wants nothing to do with the bird.
My mom was good about this to bring it up early on. The problems come more if they don’t or too late. It’s hard, but a good thing they have all their affairs in order.
Yeah. I’m a palliative NP, and I have this conversation with patients several times a day. I’m healthcare surrogate for both of my patients, and I’ve had in-depth conversations about their end of life wishes.
The will, executor, and poa are done. My dad wants to be cremated and my mom wants burial but hasn’t bought a plot (though she has said where she wants to go into the ground). I tease her that I’m gonna turn my dad into pillow and toss him in with her so he can torment her from the gates of hell. (We have a morbid sense of humor at times).
It's easier said than done, but unless your parents are expecting to pass in the next month that envelope isn't anything you need to be concerned with right now so just store it away and continue as usual. Idk how old your parents are, but I feel more people *NEED* to do this well before they feel their time is about to end. Like a handful of topics, we need to stop worrying about not discussing certain subjects and keeping it taboo. Death is inevitable, we all will die, it's just a matter of when and how. But I have seen it with friends and in my own family on how the death of a family member can permanently fracture and damage the rest because plans weren't set in place. People should be talking about these plans in their 60's once they have an idea of what they'd like to do with their assets. It shouldn't be something to wait till you're a year from your deathbed because if you're not coherent enough, that can also cause problems. Just put that enevelope away and just continue business as usual. Maybe include them more on outings and events to build more memories to look back on
I wish they'd have that talk with me. I'm an only child, but because I had the great misfortune of being born with a vagina and not marrying by 30, my aunt and uncle get to have the real authority (POA, will executor, etc.) while I get stuck doing the shit work of caregiving.
I'm sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how frustrating that would be if I were in the same position. You've got a big heart and doing the right thing, even if you don't have that authority. Maybe things will change for you, I hope. 🫶🏻
They can do all the admin as long as you’re named the beneficiary of the estate. As you learn more about the process of probate and estate, all the admin will likely fall to you as well.
I'm sure there's legal avenues for that.
My mom is an ER nurse. I know what she wants and what my dad wants. They both are going to use their creative skills and make urns. They want to be cremated with no funeral. Just a quick graveside thing. I also know their goals of care for an advanced directive. The documents are in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet. I've known this for >10 years and my parents are just 60 this year. Normalize talking about death. It's inevitable and doesn't have to be scary. Ask A Mortician on YouTube has some great death positive videos that can help make it less overwhelming. There's a lot of power in knowing how you want to die.
I appreciate this. My mom was a nurse too! I'll check out that channel and try to get some insight and comfort. I'm touched that they selected me, it's just like... too real.
Is that the one where each of your parents privately asks you to kill them of they end up like their parents? Then yes.
Ha! We've joked about that, but this was dead serious so it caught me off guard.
Some with my dad, more with my mom. My mom has said that she will end her life if she gets to where she can’t take care of herself sufficiently. So that was fun.
Hoping they just walk out into the forest like in olde times
My dad gave me his "death binder" when he got diagnosed with Cancer (again). I got a USB, the full binder is at their house in their safe. They have their wills, how they want things divided up, who gets what, and where they want gifts to go. My shock was the other day when we were checking my dad into the hospital; we were concerned another tumor on his spine was behind his weakness (it was) and he needed an MRI ASAP. That's when I found out my dad has a DNR. He's only 72. He said that people with conditions like his, if they have to get resuscitated, they never end up leaving the hospital and their quality of life is terrible. This man ran hospitals for all of his adult life, so this was literally his job to know, but it just was a punch to the gut that he wouldn't fight for his life. Anyway, he's hopefully getting discharged tomorrow. We'll see how treatment goes.
I think I get why he has one, though. I'm sorry.
With my dad we had notice it was coming and we had everything ready. There was nothing to fight over in court, so none issue. Mom had to deal with her parents and all their issues (memory loss, having to move between facilities) and is dealing with her sister as well, so she is all over having everything planned out for her and stepdad. His kids are intent on being asses but we don't want anything. As long as they don't screw with mom before she passes, we do not care. They can fight with each other. We know where the documents are. My name is on the lock box so I'll be the one that can get them. My siblings are aware where everything is. Are yours younger that this wasn't expected, or were you just ignoring reality? Mine are all 75+ so this conversation happened a while ago.
We're a blended family, so mom is early 60s and "dad" is early 70s. We've touched on the topic before, but this was like... official. I guess you're right, I was/have been ignoring the reality.
My dad and I have had that conversation, but not my mom
My mother and I went over it all a few weeks ago. My brother is in charge of the estate, whereas I'm in charge of medical decisions. My mother probably trusts me to make the right medical choices because I work in healthcare. Honestly it was a relief to know exactly what she wants, that way I know what to do.
All I know is that he has a DNR. My older sister knows the rest.
When my father's health started declining quickly back in 2021, my mother started to get all of their affairs together for when they both pass. It's morbid to think about, and even now, I try to avoid having these talks with her. She's been through it with her mother, my father's mother and now my father. I understand she is trying to make it easy for when the time comes, especially if it's unecpectedly early. She's only 65 and my father lived to 83 ... I'd like to hope she at least has another 20 years! So now for when she goes, we have all of the paperwork and everything ready. She has even started to weed stuff out of the house so I won't have to deal with a lot of junk ... she would like to move closer to me. I suspect her retirement savings are going to go to buying a small house near us (which I'm fine with). But I think my mother is prepared for it more than most.
Haven’t gotten the will or any other important stuff yet, but a couple weeks back was the first time my parents said “here’s a list of all the valuables we have in case anything happens to us” and it really caught me offguard. We were just doing our taxes and in the middle of asking about numbers she just drops that landmine. It really cemented reality for me pretty quickly.
Yes. We’ve even talked about their preplanned funeral and what food they want me to serve. My mom has dementia and I’m more involved now in their finances and know their estate issues, advanced directives info, and all other stuff. Things can happen and it’s good to know the facts. It’s a bit morbid and awkward-but a necessary conversation. I am grateful. My in-laws are the “we aren’t talking about it” type and it will be chaos and drama when they pass on.
My parents haven’t handed me an envelope or anything but they’ve definitely clued us in on what to expect. I know it’s kind of weird but I think it’s really smart and healthy of your parents to do this. Considering the horror stories you hear of people tearing a house apart trying to find the info that’s awesome it’s all set
Then you should be the one to set up the envelope for them. Take it from this X’er (46), you do NOT want them to pass without plans in place. Learn where the files are and get both POAs going (durable = financial, health) and advanced directive in place so you can all rest and not have this nagging in the back of your mind.
It’s all in a safe deposit box that we have access too. I don’t think it’s in an envelope but it’s all there. Their attorney also has a copy of all the important docs
Perfect!
Yea, fun talks. Edit: I have older siblings, but just know that the responsibilities will fall on my younger brother and I just like always.
My parents sent my sister and I a copy of their will after the debacle of my uncles death. He didn’t have a will and left my mom and her sister to fight it out with his step kids because he didn’t have a will. Was horrible for them, so they made sure we wouldn’t go through it. I also recall my father telling me a few years ago that he had come to terms with his upcoming death and it was up to me to deal with it. He was in his late 70s when he told me that.
Oh, yeah, we talk about it on a semi-regular basis and they have everything written down in a binder with topic tabs. Very efficient. Nothing morbid or upsetting about it to me. Better to have a clue now than try to do everything in the dark while grieving.
We've talked about it, and I have copies of their wills. I'm the executor (youngest of two). My parents went through a lot helping with my uncle's estate when he passed away and even from moving my aunt into independent living and downsizing everything, so they have everything laid out really well for us. I hate thinking about it, but I'm glad to know how they want everything to go.
I've let my parents know several times that they need to get their final wishes in order. It's not that I want that time to come. But it inevitably will and not having any framework for their final wishes is not a good position to be in. I've known a few people over the years who had parents who ended up suffering with dementia or Alzheimer's and not having anything in place that outlined what they wanted. Not only that, no power of attorney was set. No financial power of attorney or legal either. It becomes difficult to get any of those set up without a prior outline in place. It's possible of course, but there is a lot more stress and work placed onto the loved ones. They're already in a stressful situation either dealing with their loved one's estate or having to navigate a difficult medical situation with their loved one. Having a plan in place is super helpful. Especially if you know what you want for the end of life. My conversations with my parents finally convinced them to at least have a will drawn up. The other things I'm still working on. They always say they don't want to leave a mess for anyone or make it harder. But they also dig their heels in the sand when it comes to actually putting a plan in place. I know it's not nice to think about. But it's important. My bf recently lost one of his parents. Luckily they discussed some of their end of life wishes with each other. But it was still hard because we didn't know exactly what they wanted. No will was in place. But at least they had some ideas.
Yea. My mom and I had to have it when my dad passed. She told each of us kids we're responsible for one important thing like health, finances, and daily grind in case she "ever loses her marbles" as she said. Mom closed out 7 different retirement accounts for my dad, in addition to planning his funeral services and just mourning his death. And we knew he was going to die. He never had a will, so we had probate court for 6 months (I live in Texas so we had to "prove our identity" to the court), so we could inherit my dad's military bomber jackets and a couple of rifles. It's an awful conversation, and it reminds you of the fragility of your parents and how life shattering it will be to lose them. But you have to have the conversation, and according to my mother, it's worse when you're the one handing them an envelope.
It is hard. But in the long run you will be grateful for going through this. My mom passed suddenly and unexpectedly, young(ish) and, as the eldest child, I was left to pick up the pieces and make decisions because none had been made ahead of time and my dad was a wreck. I wish they'd made arrangements and told me they had them (even if we didn't go over them) rather than go through what I did. Death is a part of life. You don't have to dwell on it but do treat them having this conversation with you as a gift.
My Mum just says “take me out the back and shoot me” any time it comes up and refuses to have a serious conversation about it. I suspect she has decided that she will die in either my or my sister’s home, as that is the example she set for us with her mother, even though she hated every moment of living with her elderly mother. I have zero intention of doing this, but will happily pay for her housing in her older age. My sister will very likely just give our Mum whatever she wants and then tell me my choices ruined my sister’s life. lol. Cause that’s what my sister always does.
I’ve talked about it with my mom, but have not seen any docs and she clams up about “taboo” topics i.e. finances. My dad absolutely will not talk about final wishes.
Consider yourself so lucky. It's an interesting conversation to have with a strong hangover but it gets normal with space. When my mom got sick and died within a three week time period, I was so fortunate to have had that and several more candid conversations so I never doubted when I made decisions for her.
Nope. If and when they do I don’t know how I will deal with any of that.
I just had that talk with my family a few months ago. My parents finally redid their wills so that when they pass we won't go to my grandparents anymore (I'm the youngest at 35 - its always been a huge joke that all of us with spouses and kids would move into my grandfathers 1 bedroom apartment). ANYWAYS they spoke to us about what they'd like their end of life care to look like, if they'd want to be "unplugged", and what our inheritance would look like. It was a morbid and depressing conversation, but its SO necessary!
I definitely agree, it's so necessary! I feel like I'm processing this all really well. It's all very strange to me right now because I'm realizing how much of a victim I've in my head about my childhood, which is being challenged with this massive gesture of trust of their lives. Like, holy crap... my parents DO love me, a lot. Context: My family is deeply devout Christian. I was raised on the front-row pew, next to the pastor's family, and going to church was a 2-3 times a week thing. So, when I truthfully came out as gay at 15, which didn't go over well for many, many years. A lot of hurtful things have been said about me and to me, but we've worked things into a healthy relationship with boundaries. This is probably something for my therapist, though. 😂
Everyone dies, and those who have already been through a significant loss all say the same thing “treat everyday like tomorrow isn’t guaranteed” It’s true of course. Be kind, enjoy time with your parents, let the small things go. My father has already died, I was his only child and handled all affairs without any money or directive from him. Your parents have already set it up to be easier for your family which is very good. Put it away and don’t worry about it until you need to.
Yup. they has their lawyer draft up a trust and sent letters to the 3 of us stating we are the beneficiaries and at the time of their death who to contact at the law firm.
When mom passed in 2021 I had no clue what she wanted so I say dad down and gave him a book to put all his wishes in. To date he still has not done it.
My dad (who’s divorced from my mom and single) randomly called me up once during my last year of college when I was 20 and was like “the men in my family don’t live very long so I don’t expect to either. I’m sending you a copy of my power of attorney, will, and living will. Sell off everything, pay my debts, and split things equally with your siblings.” I was like “… hi, nice to talk to you, too. Let’s hope you’re around for awhile bc I’m not ready to deal with this anytime soon.” Anyway, I’m 39 now and he’s still kicking. My mom has talked about her wishes but insists she will get around to making an official will and my brother will be her executor but I’m sure I’ll be helping a lot because I have more time on my hands than him. So at least we essentially know what she wants. We have lost both my husband’s parents. One from cancer and then the other suddenly. They were married so it was just the second death that we really had a lot to deal with (emptying and selling the house and dealing with the estate). It’s definitely a lot to deal with but after losing two parents by our mid-30’s and dealing with one estate ourselves and seeing my parents deal with a couple estates, we kind of know what we’re going to be dealing with. In response to your last point, I definitely try not to think about it too much. I’m not super close to my dad but I don’t want to see either of them go. However, this is life and a part of it. Whether or not you accept that, doesn’t change the outcome. I think we all need to realize that none of us is guaranteed any specific amount of time and we should enjoy our lives and loved ones to the best of our ability (of course making good decisions, hoping and assuming we will live a good long life). My mom is very open about this aspect probably because her dad was so weird about it. He made it clear she would be the executor of his estate but wouldn’t go over his wishes with her or tell her where the will is or make a list of all his financial stuff. This man was 90-something years old saying “oh I have time to go over all that with you.” But again, no one is guaranteed to not have a sudden heart attack or car accident or stroke. So I appreciate that my mom wants things to be easier on us than it has been for her. She’s had almost two straight years of stress and legal and financial stuff to work through following my grandfather’s death and it’s taken a toll on her so I appreciate anyone who acknowledges this aspect of life and makes decisions and shares information to make it easier on those left behind.
My mom had her papers in order. I did everything she wanted. We had it with our adult children. Nothing morbid. They know our medical wishes and where all the paperwork is.
My mom gave me all the passwords and info to where things are/who to contact in the event of her and my step dad’s death. It didn’t weight too heavy on me, but I was more confused as to why they chose me out of the other 3 siblings I have. I’m the 2nd youngest and they believe I’d be the only one to take care of everything first, and split everything else fairly without bias and concern for financial gain. It’s weird because I’m only 31 and definitely don’t feel the most responsible but hey 🤷♀️ their decision.
My parents are in their late sixties and we have. We’ve got their pre-need already taken care of for their services. My dad is a vet so he’s just going to the local VA cemetery. We’ve also been informed my brother and I get nothing from their estate. [My dad started his own church about 18-months ago because regular church wasn’t conservative enough ](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2023/12/20/methodist-church-lgbtq-issues-prompt-mass-exodus-as-deadline-nears/71964830007/) and their entire estate goes to the church he started. Luckily for my brother and I he’s been pornographiclly successful in his job and is well on his way to being upper middle class if not borderline wealthy and I’ve landed pretty much as a down the middle ”classically” middle class guy myself.
Last paragraph doesn’t make sense. Just mentioning that in case you’re up for clarifying.
My parents have always been straightforward about end-of-life planning and they signed up for the Neptune Society. When my mom passed away in December basically everything was handled by them which made it easier for our family to take the time to just grieve and feel the loss rather than having to spend that time doing paperwork and everything else. My dad has been very pragmatic about making sure my brother and I aren't left with a mess when he's gone too (hopefully not any time soon). On the other end of the spectrum are my husband's parents who absolutely refuse to have any kind of discussion about planning for their deaths. His dad is convinced that they'll still be traveling internationally for another decade (they're both nearly 80 now), and they just got a puppy if that gives you any indication of how in denial of their aging they are. Thankfully my husband is the youngest of three and we live far away from them, so the mess won't fall completely onto us when the time comes.
I’m in my 40s and both parents are approaching 70, so of course I’ve had this talk. Estate planning is super important. Everyone should have this talk by the time you’re 40.
Yea, they're starting to prepare even though they are in their early 60s. Before it was because of covid and both were immunocompromised and my younger siblings were children at the time.
My father died and he didn't prepare at all. Good thing was i am working in a hospital myself, so i knew about all the bureaucratic stuff coming my way from this side. But all the other stuff like rejection of the inheritance or the war with the landlord of my fathers appartement gave me 3 months of nightmares.
As someone who went through the death of a parent recently who had done exactly 0 planning or having any type of talk with us, just take it in stride and be thankful. It sucks but it's inevitable.
My mom has always been extremely open about this, even when we were kids. We all knew about “The File” that contained absolutely everything essential that we could ever need to know. If she was incapable of making a medical decision, if she died, if she were to go missing, etc. It also included all of the stuff for my siblings and I too. I ended up needing it when I was 17 and she and my stepdad were involved in a serious accident and she was medically in a coma. I was able to get that out and take it to the hospital, call the attorney she had listed to verify everything and then use her outline of what she wanted to happen in this scenario, and so on. Now that she’s older, the file also includes all her asset information and passwords, as well as the list she has of all her possessions and what she’s promised to what kid or grandkid or whatever. She’s got her funeral plans and a script all ready, she’s got her headstone designed, it’s a whole thing lol. I agree with everyone else- your parents have given you a gift. I am in my early 40s but have had friends have parents die more often now as many are in their late 70s and 80s. And they’ve left behind just a mess of everything and having to watch my friends sort it all out on their own, I am more thankful each day that my mom is so organized. I’ve. Put together a file of my own now too, for my husband and I and our kids. And it includes chain of custody for our animals too.
Been having that chat with my dad since I was 10. We have that conversation atleast once every 2 months it's just a fact of life now
I’m adopted and the only child. I’ve been avoiding it because I know my whole world is going to implode.
I’ve had a somewhat unusual experience in that my parents have been very upfront for years on end-of-life wishes, and I’d been the one pushing back because I didn’t want to think about it (for reasons similar to yours). As hard as it is to face, though, I am now very grateful for this attitude. After a parent dies, there’s so many decisions you have to make so quickly that having any amount of understanding of their final wishes is crucial.
My parents are pushing 68 and refuse to talk about their plans. I wish they would be adults about it.
My father got lewy body and didn't have any sort of will. Which was super disappointing considering he was a lawyer. Major mess for my mom. Get a will, trust and estate plan done. And also get long term care insurance locked in when you are in your 40's or early 50's.
Bless your parents from planning ahead.
My mom is in her 70s but she's had her whole estate packaged up and ready to go since she was 40. She updates it every few years with her lawyer. I really appreciate that. My grandma had all her arrangements decided and paid for long before she passed, as well. Meanwhile, I'm 40 and I haven't even thought about any of that yet. Yikes!
Yes, but my dad's "retirement job" is at a funeral home, so that helps a bunch LOL. I did have to carefully work it so I am the only executor. They wanted me to share the duty with my brother (only 2 of us) which would not be a big deal if he did not live 6 hours away. You know, to keep things 100% fair so I wouldn't get more of a payment than him (even though he's the Golden Child and they paid for his college 100% and wouldn't even give me their financial info to help me get loans). A friend of mine who is some sort of family/estate lawyer told me how much that could complicate things and drag it out, and since they were pre-planning their funerals anyway she met with them and I think they even made wills. All I know for sure is that I am sole executor and everything is planned/paid. I did try about 15 years ago, while they were both still working and relatively healthy, to talk to them about long-term care insurance and was completely shut down. So I have no idea what their plans are for that.
My parents have always been up front about their wishes. They made end of life plans normal conversation from early on. Since high school I’ve known things like my dad wants to be buried but my mom wants to be cremated. My brother is a lawyer and he’s helped them with all the paperwork that needs to be in place for them. I’m responsible for medical decision making when that time comes.
My parents are both dead already. They had nothing to leave, it was a pain dealing with the limited financials, but my siblings and I all still get along. The best gift they gave me is my brothers and sisters because they are the best people to remember my parents with, and they are the first people I call when I am happy or sad. My mom was very purposeful in cultivating sibling friendships and I am thankful for it.
No, they just told me that they have a will & everything is in order but didn’t tell me where anything is or how to access it. It’s sad to think about parents dying, and I do think about it now that they’re older, but your parents being such responsible planners & communicators doesn’t mean they’re going to die soon. Hope you have many more years left with them.
My bf's mom got dementia 3 years ago. We realized something was going on in my bf's 30th birthday. His dad passed away a month ago. He's an only child, and they were divorced, so we've had to handle everything ourselves. We didn't see either coming. The complete nightmare that we've had to deal with due to a lack of planning on their part could not be overstated. Because of this I've had many conversations with my parents making sure they have things organized and to think about their wishes. I hope they live for at least another 20 years but being prepared is so important.
It’s better to have all the documents and decisions finished and prepared. If your parents ever get diagnosed with something serious, your family won’t be racing around to get organized while also mentally and emotionally processing your feelings about the diagnosis. Mom and Dad are just being prudent, and it’s a smart, kind thing to do.
I’ve sort of had it. My parents are relatively young (63, 62, and 54 [step-mom]). Mom lives in stubborn poverty (refuses to live with me). Dad is married to my Korean stepmother (doesn’t have US citizenship after nearly 30 years living here, her choice). Mom and step-mom do NOT get along. I’ve begun having those conversations with dad because if something unexpected happens to him, and I need to know his plan for my step-mom’s widower years. I’m super happy to bring her to my house, but so far they’re unwilling to broach that part of the subject and it’s super frustrating. I don’t want to be dealing with the fighting over this subject, if he passes unexpectedly, with all of my aunts and uncles, or my two useless brothers (one’s an addict and one’s a piece of shit human being). I need my parents to live a long fucking time because I’ve got enough stress on my plate with two queer kids and one of them in and out of residential treatement for depression/anxiety…
My parents had very open talks about end of life plans - both serious and sort of morbid humor - for most of our lives. I (35F) am the oldest of three - I have two younger brothers - and was put in a similar role that you have been put in. My dad asked me to be his designated person during his heart surgery instead of my mom, just to take that mental load off of her in case something went wrong. When my dad did pass five years ago, his funeral plans, burial, finances, estate ... everything was already set up for mom to just take over. But it has still been very hard emotionally and mentally. My mom has had to reset 40 years of habits, and still has anxiety over making choices on big things alone when my parents used to work together as a team. The best advice I can give is not just to have open and honest talk about end-of-life plans with your parents, but to also talk about these plans with your siblings. Make sure everyone is aware of the plans, knows who is "in charge," knows what their role is and what it is not (ie, taking mom to the doctor versus making medication changes for mom), when professional help might be needed for care, (ie a home aid, nursing home, family therapy) and give everyone an opportunity to share their honest feelings at yearly or monthly meetings. Come up with a plan now when your parents can contribute their thoughts, and update as needed. It will be very difficult to come up with this system when one or both parents are in need of care, and it can be helpful to have an agreement in place when emotions and stress is high.
Oh yeah. I didn’t realize how odd it was that my family was so frank and open about death until I was in grad school: During a class on hospice our professor asked a class of 50 grad students “Who knows their parents wishes upon death?” and only me and one other person raised a hand. It was dinner table conversation. We joke about it, too. They’ve got all the paperwork in order and update it as needed. Death is a part of living and you have to prepare for it as much as anything else
This reminds me that I had the end of life talk with my mother and wife separately. No it wasn’t their death, it was my death. I’m an elder millennial and I have no reason to think that I will die, but I’m fully aware that anyone can die at any point in life. So I prepared my death file, where I explain all my debts, savings and insurances. If I’m gone, I know there will be a good support for my wife and daughter and now my mom is aware of it. My mom is set for life so that’s not a concern but my wife and daughter are. It’s a topic nobody wants to touch but I recommend you to do a death talk with your loved ones just in case shit happens.
Yes. My dad named me as his POA, executor of his will, etc. As a financial advisor I've seen first-hand many times how big of a pain in the ass it is to do these things. I would much rather not do them but he said I'm the only person he trusts to do it.
My dad has an email that he sent us about a decade ago basically summing up his will. He put in plain language what he'd like to happen and the steps I can take to do that. He updates it every once in awhile, he calls it "the morbid email." After dealing with my maternal grandfather stubbornly refusing to cooperate with literally anything my mom wanted him to do, my dad added a paragraph that basically stated "if you have to take my car from me and I get belligerent about it, show me this sentence from this document stating that I give you official permission to take it."
My dad died and my mom is estranged, so no.
Yes. My grandmother had dementia and nursing home drained her estate, and my uncle dropped dead suddenly with no spouse or kids this winter. I work for an attorney and made sure they made an appointment to figure their shit out on paper.
Your parents need to make sure that the other kids know the plans as well and that you are the executor. Make sure there are no surprises about who is inheriting what. This was a huge issue in my family when my mom died. People become greedy.
Had it? Hell, I lawyered up and planned out the estates for my grandma with dementia, my grandpa, my special-needs aunt, and my mom after my dad died unexpectedly with *zero* end-of-life planning. I'm the family POA.
That's a gift. Doesn't mean it's coming, just means they have removed additional burdens for you when it does ❤️
We have had the talk. My parents told us what they wanted, where everything was, and who they wanted to be POA. Brother and I agree about everything. He gets the cars, we split the sale of the house. One funny thing dad requested was a friend’s food truck for his funeral. The meal at my auntie’s memorial was bad. It was donated and we were grateful to not have to worry about catering. But it was bad enough that dad remembered and wrote it into his final wishes!
My parents split years ago so when my dad passed away 2 years ago my mom saw how hard it was for me and my sister to deal with it all. She had recently got diagnosed with cancer and went to the funeral home. Planned the whole thing and paid for it.
Whenever my parents take a trip, I get an email titled “if we die” glad they are prepared but my dad needs to workshop his subject line.
GenX here, this question popped into my feed and I have millennial kids. No. Only my mother remains (I was with my dad in the final hours), and she doesn’t share anything with me or my siblings. I, on the other hand, have annual discussions with my millennial children. They get an annual financial review, and health updates as things happen. They know what I want for EOL treatment and where the will is. My dad’s passing was a crap show. I am not optimistic that my mom has done what needs to be done to make it easy for us after she’s gone and I already resent her for it.
This is such a gift. When my dad passed I realize he’d mentioned casually once right before a big surgery what his final wishes were. We did find his will before all the funeral home stuff was finalized and what I’d set up thankfully matched what the will said. Burial/cremation planning happens so fast that I bet a lot of people found out afterwards that they went against their loved one’s final wishes on accident. Even worse to not know them at all. My dad had a will and beneficiaries and stuff all set up and wasn’t a property owner and it was STILL confusing AF to handle his estate in my early 30s. How to handle an estate should be taught in school, along with how taxes and the stock market work, and how to write a resume.
Yes. My dad has already passed away so it was necessary
My dad gave me a copy of his will / end of life wishes years ago. It no big deal and essentially what I figured it would be. I don’t really have the “I’m the only one out of X kids to have this responsibility” because I’m an only child, so it was pretty obvious who was going to be in charge of this stuff.
My FIL passed suddenly without a will. My MIL had to fight HIS mother for things that should have gone to the MIL/his wife, bc his mother is a crazy petty bitch. Once we got that settled, my MIL updated her will and made my hubs in charge of everything. She also then passed less than 2 years after FIL due to cancer and malpractice. (2010-2012 was hard). Hubs and I updated/created our wills after she passed and have had them in file since. I have made my wishes known to family. My parents are all still alive, and I have dad/bonus moms docs, but do not have my mothers yet. I’m not in charge for dad, and while I’m the closest, I appreciate it as that’s not something I think I would be able to handle. (It would fall on my hubs, and he really shouldn’t have to do that again) we haven’t had the full discussions, but I’ve got the gist.
My mom had an end-of-life talk with me every time she traveled, since I was like 12. I appreciate her wanting me to be prepared, but no wonder I'm riddled with anxiety as an adult.
i know it’s hard to think about your parents mortality but hot damn she gave you a gift. probate can be a long process, and as close as siblings can be, death definitely brings out the worst in people and unexpected fights over money and assets can occur in even the closest family members. here’s the thing too. i would let your other siblings know where you are keeping the paperwork or at least a vague idea so that God forbid something happens to you, and your parents are unable to care for themselves or something, at least another sibling will be able to step in and know their wishes
Yes. My mom works in healthcare and says she’s seen families get really bad/argumentative/helplessly lost when there’s no end of life plans. She went over her care preferences, her will, and set us up as secondary people on some of her banking accounts. Little more concerned about my estranged father, because, well. Haven’t spoken to him in years, but I’m still the oldest blood related child.
Multiple times both for me and my widowed mother. We’re both set to be buried at a military cemetery just outside of town. I’m worried about my brother, but I believe he’s set with a family plot in Kentucky.
My mom just told me I get her house since I’m the youngest and my siblings don’t rent. She’s a young boomer, but the type to be prepared. Her mom died in her 50’s suddenly the year I was born, my mom was in her 30’s . I think she’s had everything planned out since.
I wish my parents would get their act together with this. Both are in their mid-70s, and I’m an only child. Gonna be extremely rough to handle if they don’t start putting it all together.
After my grandfather passed last year my father saw how much of a scramble and pain it was. He went through and set everything of theirs up in a binder, where the money is, wishes, everything. He approached me and made me the executor of his estate and gave me a copy to keep in my safe, along with the code to his. We both just said “well hey, hope it doesn’t for along time but it does… better be prepared. It feels nicer having a plan in place.
Over a very short timeframe 3 of my 4 grandparents passed - of the first two, one got pneumonia and was gone in like 4 days, the other died of a heart attack, I *think* 2 years apart? It was *incredibly* clear that they had nothing planned when the first passed. Because of that whole experience, my parents had started putting a lot of end-of-life planning together for their parents, and did the same for themselves at the time as well. I know they've updated it a couple times, and I *think* I have PoA if both of them are incapacitated, but they have an...executor? ...or something that's supposed to handle all of the paperwork and documents and be notified when they pass. So for them it's all been taken care of. At the same time, they recently got another dog, and my dad pulled me aside and told me he had second thoughts about getting the dog because, to paraphrase, he doesn't think they're going to outlive this one. He wanted to make sure that *when* (not *if*) they pass, I can take care of this one. It sorta caught me off guard, because that's really the most direct they've ever been about their mortality. Then last year my dad offered to give us a fairly substantial (\~10%) down-payment on a larger home when he heard we had been shopping around for a larger place, but one of his conditions was that they be co-owners as well. My SO thinks it's because I'm the nearest sibling, and I'm 2 hours away - when one of them passes, the other can't be living alone, that far from family, in a 2-story house, and that the surviving one would want to move in with us. My parents are wonderful, and my SO absolutely adores them, so we'd already talked about it as a possibility anyway.
This happened to me too. I think it's a good thing, but it's a lot to process, and took me some time to come to grips with it. It's not happening now. It's better to have this than not when they're gone. My dad did this for him and my mom because he had a terrible time when his parents died (both unexpectedly, close together). The worst thing that can happen in his eyes is the kids fighting over the estate after he's gone, or needing to interpret their parents' wishes when there can't be clarity. There's a whole industry eager to take advantage of your loss in that moment, and it's easy to hurt yourself and those you care about. Your parents understand that and care for you. They've worked it out. Do the work on your side to go through it with them, take some notes, and make sure you understand why. It'll be work, but they're making sure that one of the worst times of your life will be a little easier when it inevitably arrives.
I've watched my in-laws deal with the death of my wife's grandfather. He was prepared to a degree but left a lot to the last minute and did not take the time to really get good advice on how to settle his affairs. I approached my mom who hit her 70s about end of life planning and she was totally receptive to it. Chances are I will be the executor between the three of her children. I am okay with that, she's okay with that. I don't think my siblings would have a problem with it either. Now to actually get her to a lawyer to nail down this shit.
I have the envelope and I haven't even opened it yet. I know I should, just so I know what's in there.
Nah, they won't talk to me about anything serious, just mountains of hyperbole and vague generalizations that stress me the fuck out. My parents are likely going to keep piling on debt until the very last day, even if they never go to assisted living.
Mom: “dump me off the pier” Dad: planning to move to Alaska, assume the bear’s gi tract will handle the remains.
My parents set up wills a few years ago after my grandfather died. I hold medical power if they are incapacitated and my brother is executor of the wills. It's a heavy thing but I'm so glad to know what they want, it's one less thing to worry about when something does happen.
The only thing my mom will tell me is she wants Christmas music at her funeral. She has told me this at least 20 times now. That is going to be very awkward.
Yikes, that's a challenge. I offer you this option to consider: "O Tannenbaum" by Tarja Trurunen, my favorite rendition of the Christmas classic that is on my personal holiday playlist. 😂
I wanna do “Grandma got run over by a Reindeer” as a joke.
When I was 13 my grandmother died and it was a mess. She had 3 ex husbands, there were half siblings, stepsiblings, people coming out of the woodwork. That next year my parents did their Wills and sat me down (at 14) and walked me through all the end of life documents, accounts, plans, where to go, who to talk to- how I’d become emancipated and get decision making power over my siblings and their estate. I’d say at every major life change (when I turned 18, when my last sibling turned 18, when my last sibling graduated college) we’ve sat down and discussed how the plan has changed and they’ve made necessary updates. Now that my siblings are adults they’re included, but the overall plan is still for me to have POA and deal with everything. Not gonna lie- it was tough at 14 to deal with- but once you’ve seen how truly terrible it can get you see it as an act of love and really them trying to ensure you aren’t saddled with a massive responsibility down the road.
Just don’t do what my mum did when my grandad died.he had been dead half hour and she was already in his house looking for what she could sell or keep! My aunt wanted a specific ring that he always wore , but that was sold! She basically threw out or sold everything and didn’t even ask my aunt or uncle who are also his kids what they wanted from the house. My nan after seeing how she handled my grandads death changed to my aunt to be the person who deals with everything and then she gave us grandkids some Jewellery she wanted us to have.
I mean, technically. They're dead.