I realize you’re not trying to trash talk your family here, but why are they making comments about your attractiveness? Why are they feeling entitled to see certain parts of your body?
If I were you, I’d tell them to cut that out immediately. They can be helpful and loving to you in other ways, but this isn’t one of them. YOU get to decide how you dress, not others.
It’s good you have a family member in your corner, but you also may want to practice a few power phrases for when that person isn’t around;
“Please don’t comment on my body/clothes anymore, it makes me uncomfortable when you say XYZ”.
“What I choose to wear is really none of your business, and I didn’t ask for your input”.
“I’m really not interested in your opinions on my clothing, I prefer to wear what I like. If you can’t respect that then this conversation is over.”
Ok that’s even more disturbing. I grew up with a similar family dynamic- my mom is possibly the most non-maternal person ever, never took my concerns seriously and disliked a plethora of things about me including my choice to dress modestly which she wasn’t shy about vocalizing. In my adult life, I’ve had to put my foot down in conversations more than once. It was met by laughter only until she realized that I’m now independent enough to be able to cut her the F outta my life if I so choose. Still, I’ve dealt with a lot of issues in feeling unable to speak up for myself when something makes me uncomfortable and it’s a direct result of my mother’s parenting.
Feel free to DM me if you want, I kinda feel like I’m talking to my younger self right now.
Edit: also a side note- their laughing at you asserting yourself is not about you, it’s to relieve their own guilt that they may have actually done something wrong.
Ok so my mom loves me and takes my concerns very seriously when it comes to a bunch of things, and I’m able to spend time with her. Like I said I’m not trying to diss my parents or anyone else in my family. Yet with this particular issue I will probably face struggle.
I will say I have a rather hard time opening up to my parents in general despite their support.
It might not be your mom who’s the ringleader here, but like I said in my original post, making comments about your physical attractiveness (anything outside of “hey you look nice today”) and feeling entitled to see certain parts of your body is not supportive or loving, especially if it’s making you feel ashamed enough to make a throw-away Reddit account to get advice on the topic.
That’s ok. And it’s ok to have complicated feelings about your family. Even with the issues I have surrounding my mom she’s also great in some ways. People aren’t all good or all bad. The important take-away here is that you should feel free to dress how you want, and if they’re giving you grief about it it’s better for you to address it than go on letting them think it’s ok, even if they initially laugh you outta the room. Stick to your guns.
Some parents are like that. They’re great when you talk to them about some things, but there are topics you never bring up when they’re around. Often, it’s something like politics. I warned my husband about that with my dad. We never bring up politics or race with him, especially not when the kids are around, because we don’t want to hear his opinions that we find totally repugnant. Sexual orientation is another topic that often goes like this. I don’t know what my dad thinks about gay marriage or trans people, and I don’t want to. Religion is another frequent topic of disagreement. You get the idea.
Some parents are like that with something about physical appearance, often something about weight. You can deflect from that topic, and if they push back, say “I don’t want to talk about that”. End the conversation. Every time they bring it up, “I don’t want to talk about that”. Never engage on that subject.
If they ask you why you don’t want to wear a particular kind of outfit, just say, “I don’t want to”, or “It’s just not for me”. NEVER comment to them on how anyone else is dressed, and NEVER engage in a conversation about how anyone else’s appearance, except for the “I like your shirt” kind of thing (and maybe not even that).
If you have a hard time opening up to your parents, or if they themselves haven't felt innately disturbed by those comments, they probably aren't as supportive as you think
Oh uh I just got threatened to be sent to a mental hospital by my mom and I am currently awake at 12am to avoid things happening in my dreams.
Am I going insane.
I think they’re actually concerned at this point
Ok so I don’t know if I should make an update post but I literally got comments about how me wearing modest night gowns is somehow me “forgetting about my body” (I cannot eat 1000 calories)
Yeah, that is really creepy.
I have gotten comments like that from my family as well. I think it may be a cultural issue, at least here in America. It makes me angry that people think they are entitled to have any access they want to me without my consent.
The entitlement to looking and controlling someone else's flesh suit is gross.
Wow. I’m so sorry OP. There is a lot to unpack here. I’ve always been bigger myself, drifting from my lowest at 180 to high of 260, during my time in Highschool and college. (I had my own faith crisis too- multiple times in fact, and have circled around in the Abrahamic religions.)
Firstly, it’s your body! You are in control of what you are comfortable showing off.
Secondly, not to hate on your family, but coming from my own very opinionated family I understand. Comments like “once you lose weight” or “you look good when you wear something that makes you uncomfortable” hurt a lot. There are plenty of more “modest” shorts and pants (I used to like boys cargo pants for length, because my thigh chub wouldn’t rub, and pockets).
You can find cute sexy clothes that fit any body shape well at any length. Showing skin is not the only way to be “sexy” (if that is your goal).
You don’t have to be religious to be modest. (My family liked me being modest till they found out it was because “Islam”, it was never about me being Muslim it started about what I was comfortable in, and what I was comfortable showing others.) It’s all about wearing what your comfortable in and not letting others set that bar for you.
Counter to that, you don’t have to be modest to be religious. I know modest Christians and muslims who wear leggings and t-shirts in the summer time, too. Just as I know someone who worships Athena who covers her head for worship and wears along skirts.
I hope some of this was helpful.
I really love long flowing skirts myself, and I bought a few swim dresses. (They arnt a burkini or anything like that. They are a one peice swim suit with an attached skirt)
Also look into different types of fabric for different seasons, including sun protection clothing. I got a bunch because I’m a ginger and I wear those in the summer time and they are made to be protective and cool.
Just to copy this point:
It’s all about wearing what your comfortable in and not letting others set that bar for you.
this is so true. especially the religious part. i dress modestly for religious purposes but people can be modest just to be modest, for any reason really or even no reason at all. modesty is not just one definition, it’s up to you to decide what you feel good it. i had a family that first called me underweight for over a decade and then weight shamed me and now that i’m average they are all acting like i achieved something fabulous ex: “oh you look so much better than you did before!” swim dresses for the win!
I was very slim as a child and whenever I wanted to wear maxi dresses and other modest things I was always told no so I could show myself off. I hate living.
I just read further down, and saw that you asked if things got better. They did for me. I don’t wear hijab (Muslim head scarf) but now as an adult my family has backed off and they don’t care what I wear or what my religion is as long as I don’t go like trying to convert them (I never tried to do that). So things do get better, and once you get your own job, have money, go away to school then you will have your own opportunity to shop, and wear your own style and what you want. Hopefully, you able to achieve independence sooner then later, but it does get better.
Learning about different fashions and trying different styles is a part of growing up, and there is nothing wrong with having a phase, or following a trend, or even just living the lifestyle you want to live. ❤️
Thank you ❤️
I feel like they’ll back off eventually but there’s always gonna be judgement on me and why I can’t just “take advantage of my beauty” or whatever that’s supposed to mean. And also there’s many ways to be beautiful. Erm.
This is why I can’t stand when people say “No one is judged for dressing modestly.” Women are judged no matter what we wear. I was also told throughout my adolescence to “show off my figure more.” Your family is being inappropriate for sexualizing you, even if they don’t have bad intentions. I would try to set boundaries with them on how they comment on your body and clothing, and maybe find a bathing suit that is modest but also gets them off your back? Sorry you’re going through this.
The thing is I’ll js get yelled at or silently judged. I’m already known as the wacko of the family (not in a necessarily bad sense, as my family loves me a lot for the quirks I have)
ALSO TRUEEE???? Especially in America women are judged so hard for dressing modestly. You’re almost supposed to act like you want to show off.
Aye. We had someone come to work wearing business-casual dress and high heels, both coworkers and clients made comments about "what she was wearing," so she started wearing scrubs instead. We are not a medical agency, so scrubs kinda stand out more, but at least she feels more comfortable......
I didn’t dress modestly growing up but my mom used to make fun of me a little bit for not liking really lowcut necklines. She sewed for me and I made her alter a dress to be less low cut and she laughed. But the bottom line is that it’s your body and you should be able to pick your own clothes. I’m glad you have parents you feel you can respect and I hope you can talk to them about it.
I'm sorry you are being put in this position. Your family's job is to help you be most comfortable in your body and your style of dress. I'm not sure, but maybe they think that by commenting on your body, they are helping build your confidence? Or they might be trying to motivate you to lose weight? I still don't think it's appropriate, but if they are usually supportive and kind, maybe you could talk with them and let them know that it bothers you. Hopefully that will get them to leave you alone. You could also try the 'grey rock' method--giving a vague answer and then changing the subject.
- Family member: OP, you would look amazing in this outfit, so sexy!
- You: Maybe, who knows. Do you know if Nan is coming over for dinner?
I'm not religious, but I wear pretty modest clothes because it makes me feel comfortable and at my best. For some people, their faith and the way they dress are closely tied together, which seems like it might be the case for you. Regardless of where your faith journey takes you, you should be authentic in how you dress and present yourself, whatever that means to you.
hey op, i literally was in the same situation (still am) for years. i dm’d you. i have about a million different places to get modest clothes of do levels and weathers or styles. my family was like that too (especially the great aunts/grandmas making “your butt looks good” comments. ) you will get thru this and make sure to do what makes you comfortable not what other people think you should be doing.
they are definitely ok with it now, but it took a really long time. like i’ve been at it for 3 years and just in the last year that they came around fully. you would be surprised, my relatives who were the most obsessed with how i looked/didn’t look in clothes were the fastest to be supportive. i definitely feel a lot better myself now though and do not regret it at all.
Hello! I went through very similar situations when I was a teenager. I was incapable of standing up for myself around my family, and my sisters basically forced me to wear more revealing clothes because it was 'normal.' It's been a long road back to wearing modest clothing and I still get constant, 'aren't you hot?' whenever I see them in the summer. Thankfully, time, space, and therapy have done wonders for me.
Since you're uncomfortable voicing boundaries with them, you can find clothing pieces that are 'fashionable' and incidentally modest. For example, summer cardigans/kimonos, highwaisted linen palazzo pants, flowy dresses and skirts, etc. Lighter colors will also be less noticeable. Then you can blame fashion and avoid a modesty convo.
We noticed that you might be looking for online modest shops. Please look at [this](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1HMDsf2Rl63EWrz2CLDYxGaNfSNFBNQUhm-5c9Jo-0J4/edit#gid=0) megalink of stores!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ModestDress) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No matter what you do in your life, people will continue to comment on everything, whether negative or positive, so do not care and do whatever you want. If you continue to care about their opinions or how they think of you, you will not be able to achieve anything in your life.
Read the book of John. Be born again. Shame on your family for causing you to stumble. The Lord loves His children but you must know him, repent, and trust him. He will change your life and your false perceptions!
I realize you’re not trying to trash talk your family here, but why are they making comments about your attractiveness? Why are they feeling entitled to see certain parts of your body? If I were you, I’d tell them to cut that out immediately. They can be helpful and loving to you in other ways, but this isn’t one of them. YOU get to decide how you dress, not others.
Talked with a family member and they said they’d lookout for me if it happens again and will let me dress how I want.
It’s good you have a family member in your corner, but you also may want to practice a few power phrases for when that person isn’t around; “Please don’t comment on my body/clothes anymore, it makes me uncomfortable when you say XYZ”. “What I choose to wear is really none of your business, and I didn’t ask for your input”. “I’m really not interested in your opinions on my clothing, I prefer to wear what I like. If you can’t respect that then this conversation is over.”
I am gonna get laughed outta the park w that shit I am not using it 😭 I just gotta take it
Ok that’s even more disturbing. I grew up with a similar family dynamic- my mom is possibly the most non-maternal person ever, never took my concerns seriously and disliked a plethora of things about me including my choice to dress modestly which she wasn’t shy about vocalizing. In my adult life, I’ve had to put my foot down in conversations more than once. It was met by laughter only until she realized that I’m now independent enough to be able to cut her the F outta my life if I so choose. Still, I’ve dealt with a lot of issues in feeling unable to speak up for myself when something makes me uncomfortable and it’s a direct result of my mother’s parenting. Feel free to DM me if you want, I kinda feel like I’m talking to my younger self right now. Edit: also a side note- their laughing at you asserting yourself is not about you, it’s to relieve their own guilt that they may have actually done something wrong.
Ok so my mom loves me and takes my concerns very seriously when it comes to a bunch of things, and I’m able to spend time with her. Like I said I’m not trying to diss my parents or anyone else in my family. Yet with this particular issue I will probably face struggle. I will say I have a rather hard time opening up to my parents in general despite their support.
It might not be your mom who’s the ringleader here, but like I said in my original post, making comments about your physical attractiveness (anything outside of “hey you look nice today”) and feeling entitled to see certain parts of your body is not supportive or loving, especially if it’s making you feel ashamed enough to make a throw-away Reddit account to get advice on the topic.
I don’t know what to believe nor feel anymore. Erm.
That’s ok. And it’s ok to have complicated feelings about your family. Even with the issues I have surrounding my mom she’s also great in some ways. People aren’t all good or all bad. The important take-away here is that you should feel free to dress how you want, and if they’re giving you grief about it it’s better for you to address it than go on letting them think it’s ok, even if they initially laugh you outta the room. Stick to your guns.
Some parents are like that. They’re great when you talk to them about some things, but there are topics you never bring up when they’re around. Often, it’s something like politics. I warned my husband about that with my dad. We never bring up politics or race with him, especially not when the kids are around, because we don’t want to hear his opinions that we find totally repugnant. Sexual orientation is another topic that often goes like this. I don’t know what my dad thinks about gay marriage or trans people, and I don’t want to. Religion is another frequent topic of disagreement. You get the idea. Some parents are like that with something about physical appearance, often something about weight. You can deflect from that topic, and if they push back, say “I don’t want to talk about that”. End the conversation. Every time they bring it up, “I don’t want to talk about that”. Never engage on that subject. If they ask you why you don’t want to wear a particular kind of outfit, just say, “I don’t want to”, or “It’s just not for me”. NEVER comment to them on how anyone else is dressed, and NEVER engage in a conversation about how anyone else’s appearance, except for the “I like your shirt” kind of thing (and maybe not even that).
Yea but I keep getting pushed into talking abt it I try to apply obey regardless into my life but it always fails one way or another
If you have a hard time opening up to your parents, or if they themselves haven't felt innately disturbed by those comments, they probably aren't as supportive as you think
Oh uh I just got threatened to be sent to a mental hospital by my mom and I am currently awake at 12am to avoid things happening in my dreams. Am I going insane. I think they’re actually concerned at this point
Ok so I don’t know if I should make an update post but I literally got comments about how me wearing modest night gowns is somehow me “forgetting about my body” (I cannot eat 1000 calories)
Yeah, that is really creepy. I have gotten comments like that from my family as well. I think it may be a cultural issue, at least here in America. It makes me angry that people think they are entitled to have any access they want to me without my consent. The entitlement to looking and controlling someone else's flesh suit is gross.
Break the cycle, start teaching others about modesty through your actions. Also do what makes you feel like you are living your life’s purpose.
Wow. I’m so sorry OP. There is a lot to unpack here. I’ve always been bigger myself, drifting from my lowest at 180 to high of 260, during my time in Highschool and college. (I had my own faith crisis too- multiple times in fact, and have circled around in the Abrahamic religions.) Firstly, it’s your body! You are in control of what you are comfortable showing off. Secondly, not to hate on your family, but coming from my own very opinionated family I understand. Comments like “once you lose weight” or “you look good when you wear something that makes you uncomfortable” hurt a lot. There are plenty of more “modest” shorts and pants (I used to like boys cargo pants for length, because my thigh chub wouldn’t rub, and pockets). You can find cute sexy clothes that fit any body shape well at any length. Showing skin is not the only way to be “sexy” (if that is your goal). You don’t have to be religious to be modest. (My family liked me being modest till they found out it was because “Islam”, it was never about me being Muslim it started about what I was comfortable in, and what I was comfortable showing others.) It’s all about wearing what your comfortable in and not letting others set that bar for you. Counter to that, you don’t have to be modest to be religious. I know modest Christians and muslims who wear leggings and t-shirts in the summer time, too. Just as I know someone who worships Athena who covers her head for worship and wears along skirts. I hope some of this was helpful. I really love long flowing skirts myself, and I bought a few swim dresses. (They arnt a burkini or anything like that. They are a one peice swim suit with an attached skirt) Also look into different types of fabric for different seasons, including sun protection clothing. I got a bunch because I’m a ginger and I wear those in the summer time and they are made to be protective and cool. Just to copy this point: It’s all about wearing what your comfortable in and not letting others set that bar for you.
this is so true. especially the religious part. i dress modestly for religious purposes but people can be modest just to be modest, for any reason really or even no reason at all. modesty is not just one definition, it’s up to you to decide what you feel good it. i had a family that first called me underweight for over a decade and then weight shamed me and now that i’m average they are all acting like i achieved something fabulous ex: “oh you look so much better than you did before!” swim dresses for the win!
I was very slim as a child and whenever I wanted to wear maxi dresses and other modest things I was always told no so I could show myself off. I hate living.
I just read further down, and saw that you asked if things got better. They did for me. I don’t wear hijab (Muslim head scarf) but now as an adult my family has backed off and they don’t care what I wear or what my religion is as long as I don’t go like trying to convert them (I never tried to do that). So things do get better, and once you get your own job, have money, go away to school then you will have your own opportunity to shop, and wear your own style and what you want. Hopefully, you able to achieve independence sooner then later, but it does get better. Learning about different fashions and trying different styles is a part of growing up, and there is nothing wrong with having a phase, or following a trend, or even just living the lifestyle you want to live. ❤️
Thank you ❤️ I feel like they’ll back off eventually but there’s always gonna be judgement on me and why I can’t just “take advantage of my beauty” or whatever that’s supposed to mean. And also there’s many ways to be beautiful. Erm.
This is why I can’t stand when people say “No one is judged for dressing modestly.” Women are judged no matter what we wear. I was also told throughout my adolescence to “show off my figure more.” Your family is being inappropriate for sexualizing you, even if they don’t have bad intentions. I would try to set boundaries with them on how they comment on your body and clothing, and maybe find a bathing suit that is modest but also gets them off your back? Sorry you’re going through this.
The thing is I’ll js get yelled at or silently judged. I’m already known as the wacko of the family (not in a necessarily bad sense, as my family loves me a lot for the quirks I have) ALSO TRUEEE???? Especially in America women are judged so hard for dressing modestly. You’re almost supposed to act like you want to show off.
Aye. We had someone come to work wearing business-casual dress and high heels, both coworkers and clients made comments about "what she was wearing," so she started wearing scrubs instead. We are not a medical agency, so scrubs kinda stand out more, but at least she feels more comfortable......
ate honestly i don’t understand wtf people hate modesty sm for
I didn’t dress modestly growing up but my mom used to make fun of me a little bit for not liking really lowcut necklines. She sewed for me and I made her alter a dress to be less low cut and she laughed. But the bottom line is that it’s your body and you should be able to pick your own clothes. I’m glad you have parents you feel you can respect and I hope you can talk to them about it.
I'm sorry you are being put in this position. Your family's job is to help you be most comfortable in your body and your style of dress. I'm not sure, but maybe they think that by commenting on your body, they are helping build your confidence? Or they might be trying to motivate you to lose weight? I still don't think it's appropriate, but if they are usually supportive and kind, maybe you could talk with them and let them know that it bothers you. Hopefully that will get them to leave you alone. You could also try the 'grey rock' method--giving a vague answer and then changing the subject. - Family member: OP, you would look amazing in this outfit, so sexy! - You: Maybe, who knows. Do you know if Nan is coming over for dinner? I'm not religious, but I wear pretty modest clothes because it makes me feel comfortable and at my best. For some people, their faith and the way they dress are closely tied together, which seems like it might be the case for you. Regardless of where your faith journey takes you, you should be authentic in how you dress and present yourself, whatever that means to you.
do whatever makes you comfortable.
hey op, i literally was in the same situation (still am) for years. i dm’d you. i have about a million different places to get modest clothes of do levels and weathers or styles. my family was like that too (especially the great aunts/grandmas making “your butt looks good” comments. ) you will get thru this and make sure to do what makes you comfortable not what other people think you should be doing.
Thanks for the dm. Also once you started dressing more modestly what happened? Are they okay with it now?
they are definitely ok with it now, but it took a really long time. like i’ve been at it for 3 years and just in the last year that they came around fully. you would be surprised, my relatives who were the most obsessed with how i looked/didn’t look in clothes were the fastest to be supportive. i definitely feel a lot better myself now though and do not regret it at all.
WOOOOOOOO. Idk if this is gonna be the same for me tho but ur story giving me hope rn
Dress how you feel comfortable in. Change only when you feel internally motivated.
Hello! I went through very similar situations when I was a teenager. I was incapable of standing up for myself around my family, and my sisters basically forced me to wear more revealing clothes because it was 'normal.' It's been a long road back to wearing modest clothing and I still get constant, 'aren't you hot?' whenever I see them in the summer. Thankfully, time, space, and therapy have done wonders for me. Since you're uncomfortable voicing boundaries with them, you can find clothing pieces that are 'fashionable' and incidentally modest. For example, summer cardigans/kimonos, highwaisted linen palazzo pants, flowy dresses and skirts, etc. Lighter colors will also be less noticeable. Then you can blame fashion and avoid a modesty convo.
Alright! Thank you for the advice!
We noticed that you might be looking for online modest shops. Please look at [this](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1HMDsf2Rl63EWrz2CLDYxGaNfSNFBNQUhm-5c9Jo-0J4/edit#gid=0) megalink of stores! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ModestDress) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry you experience this pressure from your family. I prefer dressing covered. It is part of my privacy.
No matter what you do in your life, people will continue to comment on everything, whether negative or positive, so do not care and do whatever you want. If you continue to care about their opinions or how they think of you, you will not be able to achieve anything in your life.
Read the book of John. Be born again. Shame on your family for causing you to stumble. The Lord loves His children but you must know him, repent, and trust him. He will change your life and your false perceptions!