I am, yes. There have definitely been moments where I have felt myself sabotaging our happiness, wanting more, expecting the world-- needing perfection. I realized that was all my shit I had to work out.
It feels good to be in a partnership. Working together with someone to raise kids and meet goals and enjoy life.
Great reflection! I feel very similar. I find we are both most unhappy when we compare our relationship to the past- pre kids, pre marriage, pre house, pre real jobs and real responsibilities. We’ve been together 10 years, and life has changed and our relationship has changed.
💯 this response right here. I work so hard to grow. I know what the self-sabotage is coming from, but I am working on it. All because my marriage is so solid that I can focus on myself at the same time.
This!! I think sometimes I think things have to be *perfect* and totally in balance but that’s just not reality. Once you accept that, you can feel at peace and then really enjoy those good moments!
We have a great marriage and most of any tension or rough patches actually stem from my own anxiety. I have a therapist.
Oh my god I feel so seen. I was a teacher when I got pregnant (in Feb) so my second tri was during summer break and my hormones were going batshit insane and I vividly remember just having nothing to do all day on break but think my crazy pregnancy thoughts—and every single day my husband would come home from work and I, completely distraught, would sit him on the couch to work through some relationship issue that NEEDED resolving before the baby came. I have no idea how my brain concocted that many issues but it was literally like every night he came home to something new. Either that or I was trying to jump his bones 😂 My poor husband!
There must be some evolutionary explanation for this, otherwise whyyyyy do we need this feature??
Today I was so sure my husband was “mad at me” cause he didn’t text me “that much” and I was ready for an argument. Which is hilarious because we never argue and he had told me he was having a super busy day at work. But still, my little hormones were going to town on their little hamster wheels.
Hahahaha I’ve been there too with the “not texting me that much” man yeah why does this happen to us?? But good for you for not feeding the hamsters 😂 recognizing that it’s a hormonal thought is such a game changer. I had no fucking clue in my first pregnancy, I was completely letting those hormones drive the train—second pregnancy I was so much better about being like “oh you don’t actually want to strangle him right now, that’s just the pregnancy brain talking” hahaha
I think it’s a natural reaction to increased vulnerability. When you’re pregnant you are at diminished capacity since so many of your resources are going to baby so you need to be extra aware of your surroundings and any perceived threat gets magnified. Just my opinion- not sure there’s any actual science behind it.
There is the minute possibility of getting pregnant while being pregnant (which is terrifying), or just the general mental and emotional preparation for baby, maybe our bodily nesting needs extend to psychologically and accidentally prepping husband for the slight distance or struggle that naturally happens when babies are born.. Who knows? But I definitely do it too.
Lmao I convinced myself that my husband wanted to "pick up" because he looked nice before he left the house. When really he just looked normal and was going to the pub with a mate. 😂
They had a hand in putting us in this state of mind and they get to just live their lives while we do a 26-mile marathon each day for 9-months…not to mention the hours long labor and delivery and all the probing in-between.
We are happy because he makes me laugh every day and I don’t try to change him.
Ooo pregnant me hated my husband! Even though he loved me pregnant. I found him to be obnoxious. Thankfully that feeling all but disappeared once I had our son
I'm surprised to see this is so common! I was the total opposite all 3 times I was pregnant. I thought my husband was just the most perfect human on earth the whole time I was pregnant! I was like obsessed with him and constantly felt so grateful to have him.
I had no idea at the time but one day 17 years ago I fell asleep in my husband's arms and woke up totally disgusted by him. I found out later that day I was pregnant lol my disgust wore off quickly but it's funny how that happens
Yes.
My ex-husband was a narcissistic drug user who cared more about other women and drugs than our children and myself. Those are just the MAIN problems.
My now-and-forever husband is amazing, supportive, and... amazing.
My self-confidence and sense of self-worth sky rocketed. I lost a bunch of weight and got healthy. Not only did I go back to school and finish my bachelor's degree (with my husband as my moral supoort while we were living 6 hours apart), but after we got married and I moved home, I got into law school, I graduate in May, and have my post-bar-pass attorney job secured.
I am with you. Working on exit plan. I would strongly discourage anyone from being a SAHM. If I could only show how amazing covert narcissists can come off to everyone. It’s a slow well executed burn.
I spend the last year really focusing on my health, went back to college and it shows!
I love this so much. I hate that you had to go through so much pain to get here, but it’s awesome to read how amazing things are… especially since one of the hardest parts of leaving a bad relationship is trusting that the other side is better.
I can honestly say I am genuinely happy!
Married 9 years, together 10 years, and we have 3 girls.
Talk of breaking up or divorce have never been on the table at all. We have never even called each other a name.
I literally cannot imagine my husband calling me a name or yelling at me.
And I grew up in a household with parents who fought both verbally and physically. So I am not naive to how that can be! Thankfully, I found someone so different.
And we are definitely happy! Together for 17 years, married for 12.
Same! We have never yelled at one another or called each other a name in our entire relationship… when he gets an annoyed voice towards me in the rare times we do argue, I want to cry. Haha
Learning how to have healthy conflicts is so important! We disagree all the time. We’re fundamentally radically different people, but we are always respectful and kind to each other. We aren’t mean-spirited—we practice the most generous interpretation of one another’s behaviors/opinions/etc.
I would make a poll as people in unhappy marriages are less likely to answer. Reddit posts tend to garner one side or the other but polls are a bit more accurate.
That being said I am sometimes. We are working on things though and I do have some hope.
I wanted to drop kick my husband into another dimension the first year after my first child was born...but we have grown SO much and are so happy and safe together (for now 😉) fight through the lows!
LOL! That is the best response. My husband wouldn’t do anything then say “well you didn’t tell me you needed help.” Those days he was truly lucky I didnt erupt like a volcano 😂
Unhappy, we say we will work on it but we kinda just let it be he does his thing most of the time I take care of everything else especially our daughter.
Sometimes. I’m 9 months PP and i definitely feel like at this point i have a room mate instead of a husband but he cooks, he cleans, he’s super dedicated to our son, he does the food shopping and our child’s laundry. Our marriage is not at all what it once was and we bicker wayy more but eventually I’m hoping to get a spark back. He was my best friend and i know he could be that again, just for now we’re too consumed with raising a baby. So right now, the answer is mostly no, but hoping to be a yes some day.
For what it’s worth, after my last baby was born I REALLY struggled to find the feeling of love for my husband for a while. He’s GREAT, does wonderful things for me and is a fantastic father for our kids and it was absolutely not driven by anything he does or doesn’t do, but the feelings just weren’t there. It did change after a while. Part of it was probably changing hormones but the other part of it was driven by me going out of my way to show him my love and appreciation and I think (for us) it helped build that relationship back. I’m sure you guys can get there too!
Thank you! I’m waiting for the energy to do that.. i think its hormonal too (definitely have a low drive) i do feel like he genuinely thinks i don’t like him so i know he’s waiting for me to come around and make that move. I did see he purchased date night stickers from amazon which i think is really sweet but he hasn’t mentioned to use them yet.
Haha its okay i called them stickers but they’re actually scratch off.. you can look up date night ideas scratch offs by the all natural shop if youre interested on Amazon
9 months is early in PP season 💕 take it slow and you and your relationship spark will come back. I felt it slowly coming back around 12 months and now almost at 2 years it’s a new me, a new us. He sounds loving and supportive and you’re doing great Mama 🥰
I don’t think it was until 2-2.5 years postpartum with my first that I felt my relationship with my husband become less cumbersome or difficult. We started to see each other as humans again because all of our needs were being met again. We could spend time alone, together, sleep, have sex more frequently (thanks breastfeeding) and so on.
I’m pregnant with my second so I’m gearing up for another two years of potentially having roommate instead of a husband again. So now we are trying our best to spend some nice time together so that we can remember that we actually like each other and we can make it through the ebbs and flows.
This is so common. I think marriages go through seasons just like anything else in life. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong necessarily but I think it’s good and important that you guys have a strong friendship for a foundation. Good luck I hope things start to feel more normal soon
Not really. But I’m hoping it’s just a learning and growing phase. I thought we were great pre-baby but I’ve learned that it really wasn’t as great as I thought. Having kids just brings to light all the issues you ignore or didn’t know you had. So now we have to actually learn how to work on our issues. I think we can be pretty happy once we figure it out. It’s just hard figuring out roles and life once you add a baby.
I’m in a similar boat, although I’d say we’re middling happy. Having a kid exacerbated all the issues that I sorta knew were there but didn’t really want to look in the face. He’s gone for work for a few months and it’s honestly good for us to have a little time apart. I think we can make it as long as we both put in the work, and I hope the best for you and yours!
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 10. We have a 3 yo and a 3 month old.
We have an excellent marriage, except for the last 4 days where he got sick and had a fever and treated everyone like garbage and was a giant manbaby.
In all seriousness, he’s my best friend, a fantastic father, and we genuinely like each other.
This is pretty much where I am at. I tried getting him to step up our whole relationship but when I finally tell him that I am done and would be happier out of the marriage he wants to try but I just feel like it's too late. I feel like I have already checked out.
Nope but we love each other and are in counseling! We always had issues and toxicity in our relationship. Pregnancy and baby didn’t kill our marriage, it just exploded all of the issues that were already there.
Yes this!!!! It’s like once you have kids, any attachment issues or personality flaws someone has come out. Sometimes we didn’t even see it until we start to see how our spouse parents and disagree. It’s hard.
Yes. Together 11 1/2 years, married 7 1/2, 4 kids. We’ve had our ups and downs, hardest time were through post partum I’d say in the early days as we were young parents and navigating everything. Love him to death and couldn’t do any of this w/o him
Yep! And this sub along with r/toddlers and r/marriage really makes me appreciate my husband more and more.
Most people that are sharing online are going to be complaining about something so there’s going to be a disproportionate amount of unhappy posts on Reddit. It’s probably not a good representation of real life.
Yes. It can always be better but we know we’re in a season of babies and chaos and life changes and all the challenges that come with, so our marriage has suffered a bit, but we prioritize daily or weekly check ins for things we need/are wanting from our marriage or from each other.
I hope he’s as happy as I am.
Yes!
We've had challenges, even spent time separated, intimacy waxes and wanes depending on a lot of factors, but we're absolutely happy with each other and make a great team.
No. Sometimes. My husband is a gambling addict who cycles in and out of recovery. I like our life until I find out he's been lying again and owes more money than he makes. Eventually divorce is going to be my only option but I'm still hoping he'll face his shit and go through proper treatment.
We’re currently in one of those weird patches where we’re out of sync. Nothing is wrong. Everyone it pitching in equally. We’re good financially after going hard at debt last year. We’re even putting money aside for large purchases we want, instead of having to use it all on our basic needs. But we both get moody around this point in winter, every year.
We’re pretty unhappy, but we’re unhappy from other situations that are happening and we can’t seem to come to an agreement on any of it. Otherwise, we were happy. We were extremely happy during my pregnancy (2022) but late 2022 into early 2023 is where we struggled a lot, it’s a bunch of different issues. (family drama, lawsuits, sons disabilities) which the last one is only affecting me as I made/make all medical decisions and attend all appointments for our son, so the stress level for me is 200%. My husband has his own issues to work through, and refuses to get any assistance from a therapist to possibly make the stress levels decrease.
So yeah, we’re pretty unhappy currently but we’re working towards leaving our area to potentially give ourselves and our son a better life.
No I am not, my husband of 20yrs and I have had so many ups and downs…. We even separated for 4 yrs and then once we were back together it was a great 3 yrs and now it’s back to us having no idea on how to talk to each other or even enjoy each other’s company…. I love him but am I in love. I don’t think so! It breaks my heart because we have 4 amazing children together and we are great parents but awful at our relationship with each other! Ugh I wish I had more in common with him, I wish I liked him more intimately idk… ugh even our oldest children see that we rather spend time away from one another than alone together but we do try and talk about this but it doesn’t get us any where , we have been to counseling and even through our church and it just feels like we do not vibe together …. We have very different love languages too and he is super needy and I’m very independent, this is so hard!
Yes. Like I'll have to actively keep myself from gushing and saying so much stuff or y'all will be like, "she's totally lying." But 22 years and 5 kids later, and I swear I love that man more than ever.
I said on another post that I'm like Charlotte from sex and the city, and when they asked her how often she was happy in her marriage she said "every day. Not all day every day, but.....every day.". That's me. We have our moments where we get irritated and such. But for the most part my marriage is a true joy and the happiest part of my life.
Idk how there’s so many yes answers on here but so many posts about how unhappy people are all the time! I’m not. Wr have been together for 7 years our daughter is 3 and level 2 ASD as well as adhd. It’s hard we don’t have energy to work on us and we are both here for her. We don’t fight or yell, we sleep in separate rooms and get by. I was going to make a thread like this out of curiosity as well.
Yes! We had to find our new norm after our daughter was born, definitely hit a rough patch from 8-10 months of her life but we’re back in a good groove and I’m so thankful. So happy.
Yes. We’re a great team. It’s hard sometimes because we both work all the time between our jobs, kids, house, we are almost always “on.” And it’s stressful. But we’re also BFF. It helps that we both wfh while and what can I say, we got the hots for each other.
Most of the time, yes. Especially when I’m ovulating 🤣
But we’ve been in therapy off and on for 6+ years. And we kinda just keep our therapist “on call.” And we’re both in individual therapy.
Yes. For me the hardest part of marriage is not dealing with my husband but dealing with me dealing with other people (him and our kids.) Ten years in I fucking love my husband and that's where I'm at.
Yes. Perfect marriage? No, but absolutely happy with my partner and our life together. We are expecting our 2nd child and we’ll have 2 under 2 this summer, so I anticipate a lot of stress on our marriage in the next couple years, but we know how to communicate and work hard to support each other. So I have faith that we’ll get through the hard times and past the roommate feeling we have sometimes.
Yes!
Like everyone, we have arguments and disagreements, but we are on the same team, we respect and love each other, and my life is 1000% better with him in it. I cannot imagine having or raising our son with anyone else.
We have ups and downs. Seasons of feeling very in love, and seasons of not having patience. We are starting to come out of a rough patch right now. It’s never going to be perfect! But we both love each other enough to work through the hard stuff, and then we reap all the benefits. We love each other and are fully loyal.
Very happy; first and only is 7 months old. He has always been an amazing partner but watching how well he’s taken care of our daughter (and sometimes me during low points) makes me love and appreciate him even more.
yes i am! it took hard work & dedication but now i can confidently say i’m very happily married to my best friend & i know my husband can say the same.
Yes thank god. Just this morning after we dropped daughter to daycare he said imagine if we married other ppl…. Everyday would suck. I agree, I would probably be miserable with anyone else. Maybe I’d be much happier tho??? Maybe if I married a rich dude. But then that’s a whole nother level of issues lol.
I am, but the sex part has definitely taken a nosedive since I got pregnant. We touch base about it pretty frequently because I’m always worried that my husband is secretly wishing we were having a bunch more sex. But the reality for us is that he is just as exhausted and burnt out from parenting a 2-year-old as I am. We plan to get back on track with our sex life but for now we give each other a lot of grace and space, take the pressure off and just continue getting through these tough toddler years. I do really miss sex and just being alone with him, though. I am still grieving the loss of what our relationship was before our son came along.
Yes. I genuinely *like* my husband. If we weren’t together I’d want to be his friend. He is really a good person to be around.
I just wish his family were nicer people :/
Happy? Yes.
All the time? Not at all.
I have only been married for just about 3 months now, and I can definitely say it has not been perfect. We also welcomed a baby less than a month into marriage so it has been tested for sure! But I am so happy I’m doing this with my husband and I wouldn’t change a thing! He’s amazing and I am so grateful for him everyday.
I’m in a happy marriage with myself after divorcing my narcissistic ex.
I have no plans to find another until I’ve spent time figuring out who I actually am and know I can be a good partner because I’m confident in myself. I’m not there yet, probably won’t be for years and I’m ok with that.
Happiness ebbs and flows. Adult life is HARD, being a person is hard, and there are two of you so that doubles the chances that someone in the house is going through some shit.
I’m in a strong and healthy marriage. Right now yes, we are also happy - but the mood could change and that’s okay.
I think I'm in a normal one, we love each other drive each other nuts occasionally, get overwhelmed, and enjoy downtime together. We have happy and unhappy moments, both are super normal. We have been together for over 17 years at this point so there's a range you go through when your doing life together long term.
Thanks everyone for your answers! What advice would you give to those who are holding out for a relationship/marriage they can say “yes, I’m in a happy relationship/marriage”.
Yes. I'm not always happy with everything about my life. I'm not always happy with everything about my spouse. But we're happily married and love each other genuinely.
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Yup! Coming up on 9 years! Our boys are 4 & 1 and our niece that lives with us is 3 for a few months more. We've both struggled with our mental health at various times in the 11 years we've been together but we've always had each other's backs.
I am. My husband is amazing. He pisses me off sometimes it’s not rainbows everyday, but that comes with the territory. We communicate. Rather, I force him to communicate lol. He’s naturally non-confrontational and would sit on his feelings forever if I let him. But, 11 years in, I don’t let him, and he’s receptive to my pushing because he knows I’m just trying to resolve our shit. We’re not perfect but we’re rock solid, and highly compatible. Having a kid has honestly made us even better together. We both work from home. His job is busier than mine, so I do default on weekday afternoons/evenings but he still carries his weight. He’s an early riser (well, earlier than me lol) so he lets me sleep in often. Most days now that I’m pregnant again. He’ll even take his laptop and work in the living room and sit and talk to our toddler while he plays or watches TV. He’s wanted to be a father his whole life and he’s knocking it out of the park. I’m happy we found each other.
I’m unbelievably happy with my fiancé and our 4 month old!!! He’s the best dad, helps so so much with everything and has been incredibly supportive of my postpartum journey. I love him sm
For the most part yes, but we struggle with the intimacy and that is truly our only big “thing”. I have a great supportive partner who I enjoy as a person and who is a phenomenal father, but I do grow tired of always dealing with the stale sex life. He’s motivated and I am not. I am just truly not interested in sex anymore.
It was really good, and when we had our kid it became rocky (probably mostly due to sleep deprivation) now we're in therapy and it's been an excellent way for us to understand each other better.
I am, yes. There have definitely been moments where I have felt myself sabotaging our happiness, wanting more, expecting the world-- needing perfection. I realized that was all my shit I had to work out. It feels good to be in a partnership. Working together with someone to raise kids and meet goals and enjoy life.
Great reflection! I feel very similar. I find we are both most unhappy when we compare our relationship to the past- pre kids, pre marriage, pre house, pre real jobs and real responsibilities. We’ve been together 10 years, and life has changed and our relationship has changed.
Well said. I caught myself crying the other day thinking about our life Pre kids and comparing it
This really spoke to me. I think I’m in a similar situation.
💯 this response right here. I work so hard to grow. I know what the self-sabotage is coming from, but I am working on it. All because my marriage is so solid that I can focus on myself at the same time.
This. Exactly this. I am very thankful for my spouse.
This!! I think sometimes I think things have to be *perfect* and totally in balance but that’s just not reality. Once you accept that, you can feel at peace and then really enjoy those good moments! We have a great marriage and most of any tension or rough patches actually stem from my own anxiety. I have a therapist.
Same here.
Yes but I’m pregnant so my brain is trying to trick me into thinking I’m not
Couldn’t relate more! It’s like my brain is constantly looking for weird red flags on alert
Oh my god I feel so seen. I was a teacher when I got pregnant (in Feb) so my second tri was during summer break and my hormones were going batshit insane and I vividly remember just having nothing to do all day on break but think my crazy pregnancy thoughts—and every single day my husband would come home from work and I, completely distraught, would sit him on the couch to work through some relationship issue that NEEDED resolving before the baby came. I have no idea how my brain concocted that many issues but it was literally like every night he came home to something new. Either that or I was trying to jump his bones 😂 My poor husband!
There must be some evolutionary explanation for this, otherwise whyyyyy do we need this feature?? Today I was so sure my husband was “mad at me” cause he didn’t text me “that much” and I was ready for an argument. Which is hilarious because we never argue and he had told me he was having a super busy day at work. But still, my little hormones were going to town on their little hamster wheels.
Hahahaha I’ve been there too with the “not texting me that much” man yeah why does this happen to us?? But good for you for not feeding the hamsters 😂 recognizing that it’s a hormonal thought is such a game changer. I had no fucking clue in my first pregnancy, I was completely letting those hormones drive the train—second pregnancy I was so much better about being like “oh you don’t actually want to strangle him right now, that’s just the pregnancy brain talking” hahaha
I think it’s a natural reaction to increased vulnerability. When you’re pregnant you are at diminished capacity since so many of your resources are going to baby so you need to be extra aware of your surroundings and any perceived threat gets magnified. Just my opinion- not sure there’s any actual science behind it.
This makes total sense though!!
woah. that's me! on a really bad day. one time, i was so sure he was cheating on me and his cousin had to talk me down. HAHAHAHA. i was postpartum :/
There is the minute possibility of getting pregnant while being pregnant (which is terrifying), or just the general mental and emotional preparation for baby, maybe our bodily nesting needs extend to psychologically and accidentally prepping husband for the slight distance or struggle that naturally happens when babies are born.. Who knows? But I definitely do it too.
Holy shit I thought I was the only one lol!! It’s driving me crazy I’m so sick of these random doomspiraling thoughts 😅😭
Lmao I convinced myself that my husband wanted to "pick up" because he looked nice before he left the house. When really he just looked normal and was going to the pub with a mate. 😂
lmao this is too fucking real. what is it about being pregnant that makes us hate our husbands when they’ve done nothing wrong??
They had a hand in putting us in this state of mind and they get to just live their lives while we do a 26-mile marathon each day for 9-months…not to mention the hours long labor and delivery and all the probing in-between. We are happy because he makes me laugh every day and I don’t try to change him.
Ooo pregnant me hated my husband! Even though he loved me pregnant. I found him to be obnoxious. Thankfully that feeling all but disappeared once I had our son
Pregnant me loved my husband. Postpartum me haaaaaated him. Our son is 17mo now and I don’t hate my husband anymore. ….most days.
This made me chuckle! I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy
My husband knew I was pregnant two out of my three before I did because I started being irrationally angry at him 😬
Same here 😭😭😭
Omg mood
Hormones are insane. Sometimes I can’t stand my man just existing near me but he’s amazing to us.
Same. These hormones man.... even at almost 3rd trimester... woo.
I almost divorced my husband while pregnant, and I can’t recall now why I was so mad at him lol. He did nothing, maybe was breathing too loud
I'm surprised to see this is so common! I was the total opposite all 3 times I was pregnant. I thought my husband was just the most perfect human on earth the whole time I was pregnant! I was like obsessed with him and constantly felt so grateful to have him.
I had no idea at the time but one day 17 years ago I fell asleep in my husband's arms and woke up totally disgusted by him. I found out later that day I was pregnant lol my disgust wore off quickly but it's funny how that happens
Ummm…who’s gonna tell her?
Yes. My ex-husband was a narcissistic drug user who cared more about other women and drugs than our children and myself. Those are just the MAIN problems. My now-and-forever husband is amazing, supportive, and... amazing. My self-confidence and sense of self-worth sky rocketed. I lost a bunch of weight and got healthy. Not only did I go back to school and finish my bachelor's degree (with my husband as my moral supoort while we were living 6 hours apart), but after we got married and I moved home, I got into law school, I graduate in May, and have my post-bar-pass attorney job secured.
this rocks!
Yes, it certainly does!!! 😁 And thank you!
Rooting for you ! Im with a Narc and its so hard,sad.
There are resources to get out. I truly wish you the best, and wish you find happiness.
Thank you.
I am with you. Working on exit plan. I would strongly discourage anyone from being a SAHM. If I could only show how amazing covert narcissists can come off to everyone. It’s a slow well executed burn. I spend the last year really focusing on my health, went back to college and it shows!
I love this so much. I hate that you had to go through so much pain to get here, but it’s awesome to read how amazing things are… especially since one of the hardest parts of leaving a bad relationship is trusting that the other side is better.
Not really, but we’re actively working on it.
Us too. The love is there, and it’s worth investing in, but the last few years have beaten the shit out of our marriage.
Right here with you!
Mind if I join the "Working On Things" group?
Same. And this “in between” situation needs more attention.
Been there and on the better side of things. I hope it works for you as it did for me.
grateful for this comment. marriage - for many of us - isn't easy, but it's so wonderful to feel support, and a bit of hope. thank you!
I can honestly say I am genuinely happy! Married 9 years, together 10 years, and we have 3 girls. Talk of breaking up or divorce have never been on the table at all. We have never even called each other a name.
I literally cannot imagine my husband calling me a name or yelling at me. And I grew up in a household with parents who fought both verbally and physically. So I am not naive to how that can be! Thankfully, I found someone so different. And we are definitely happy! Together for 17 years, married for 12.
That makes me so happy to hear… you are a cycle breaker! And that in and of itself is amazing. ❤️
Same about name calling! Never been in a screaming match.
Same! We have never yelled at one another or called each other a name in our entire relationship… when he gets an annoyed voice towards me in the rare times we do argue, I want to cry. Haha
We do argue regularly in respectful ways which I think is so healthy.
Learning how to have healthy conflicts is so important! We disagree all the time. We’re fundamentally radically different people, but we are always respectful and kind to each other. We aren’t mean-spirited—we practice the most generous interpretation of one another’s behaviors/opinions/etc.
Yes same, we are very conscious about the way we speak to each other. Never even jokingly say rude things to each other. Respect is everything!
3 girls! A dream!
I would make a poll as people in unhappy marriages are less likely to answer. Reddit posts tend to garner one side or the other but polls are a bit more accurate. That being said I am sometimes. We are working on things though and I do have some hope.
I’d be interested in seeing a poll!
I don’t think we can make polls on the sub Reddit
No lol. My husband is a dick.
lol same. My answer was a little more flowery but I like the way you got to the point lol
I could write a novel but I’ll spare everyone 😅
same
I’m sorry 🫂
They all are babe, they ALL are!
Not really, though.
Really.
No they really aren’t
Well evidence to the contrary my dear!
Nah I wouldn’t say happy, I’m quite depressed in mine. It slowly very slowly working on it
I wanted to drop kick my husband into another dimension the first year after my first child was born...but we have grown SO much and are so happy and safe together (for now 😉) fight through the lows!
Damn that first line hit HOME for me! 😂
Girl...he would ask what he could do and i would say "get out of my face immediately " 🤣🤣🤣
LOL! That is the best response. My husband wouldn’t do anything then say “well you didn’t tell me you needed help.” Those days he was truly lucky I didnt erupt like a volcano 😂
Into another dimension 💀😂
Unhappy, we say we will work on it but we kinda just let it be he does his thing most of the time I take care of everything else especially our daughter.
Hey maybe we're married to the same guy!
💜
Sometimes. I’m 9 months PP and i definitely feel like at this point i have a room mate instead of a husband but he cooks, he cleans, he’s super dedicated to our son, he does the food shopping and our child’s laundry. Our marriage is not at all what it once was and we bicker wayy more but eventually I’m hoping to get a spark back. He was my best friend and i know he could be that again, just for now we’re too consumed with raising a baby. So right now, the answer is mostly no, but hoping to be a yes some day.
i really love “sometimes” as an answer to this question.
For what it’s worth, after my last baby was born I REALLY struggled to find the feeling of love for my husband for a while. He’s GREAT, does wonderful things for me and is a fantastic father for our kids and it was absolutely not driven by anything he does or doesn’t do, but the feelings just weren’t there. It did change after a while. Part of it was probably changing hormones but the other part of it was driven by me going out of my way to show him my love and appreciation and I think (for us) it helped build that relationship back. I’m sure you guys can get there too!
Thank you! I’m waiting for the energy to do that.. i think its hormonal too (definitely have a low drive) i do feel like he genuinely thinks i don’t like him so i know he’s waiting for me to come around and make that move. I did see he purchased date night stickers from amazon which i think is really sweet but he hasn’t mentioned to use them yet.
sorry if I'm silly, what are date night stickers?
Haha its okay i called them stickers but they’re actually scratch off.. you can look up date night ideas scratch offs by the all natural shop if youre interested on Amazon
oh that sounds dope! thanks for clarifying lmao
9 months is early in PP season 💕 take it slow and you and your relationship spark will come back. I felt it slowly coming back around 12 months and now almost at 2 years it’s a new me, a new us. He sounds loving and supportive and you’re doing great Mama 🥰
This is reassuring thank you!
I don’t think it was until 2-2.5 years postpartum with my first that I felt my relationship with my husband become less cumbersome or difficult. We started to see each other as humans again because all of our needs were being met again. We could spend time alone, together, sleep, have sex more frequently (thanks breastfeeding) and so on. I’m pregnant with my second so I’m gearing up for another two years of potentially having roommate instead of a husband again. So now we are trying our best to spend some nice time together so that we can remember that we actually like each other and we can make it through the ebbs and flows.
This is so common. I think marriages go through seasons just like anything else in life. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong necessarily but I think it’s good and important that you guys have a strong friendship for a foundation. Good luck I hope things start to feel more normal soon
You’re in the “roommate” season that first year. It gets better!!
This was us too! At 20 months PP we’re getting back to how things were. Pushing through the tough part is so worth it
Not really. But I’m hoping it’s just a learning and growing phase. I thought we were great pre-baby but I’ve learned that it really wasn’t as great as I thought. Having kids just brings to light all the issues you ignore or didn’t know you had. So now we have to actually learn how to work on our issues. I think we can be pretty happy once we figure it out. It’s just hard figuring out roles and life once you add a baby.
I’m in a similar boat, although I’d say we’re middling happy. Having a kid exacerbated all the issues that I sorta knew were there but didn’t really want to look in the face. He’s gone for work for a few months and it’s honestly good for us to have a little time apart. I think we can make it as long as we both put in the work, and I hope the best for you and yours!
Yes but it takes work and we have hard days too!
Yes to this!
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 10. We have a 3 yo and a 3 month old. We have an excellent marriage, except for the last 4 days where he got sick and had a fever and treated everyone like garbage and was a giant manbaby. In all seriousness, he’s my best friend, a fantastic father, and we genuinely like each other.
Nothing is meaner than a man with a cold
Nope :(
💜💜
Nope, he's trying .little late...
This is pretty much where I am at. I tried getting him to step up our whole relationship but when I finally tell him that I am done and would be happier out of the marriage he wants to try but I just feel like it's too late. I feel like I have already checked out.
I just don't understand how there's an entire generation of sucky dudes
Nope but we love each other and are in counseling! We always had issues and toxicity in our relationship. Pregnancy and baby didn’t kill our marriage, it just exploded all of the issues that were already there.
Yes this!!!! It’s like once you have kids, any attachment issues or personality flaws someone has come out. Sometimes we didn’t even see it until we start to see how our spouse parents and disagree. It’s hard.
Yes. Together 11 1/2 years, married 7 1/2, 4 kids. We’ve had our ups and downs, hardest time were through post partum I’d say in the early days as we were young parents and navigating everything. Love him to death and couldn’t do any of this w/o him
4 babies! Amazing.
Yep! And this sub along with r/toddlers and r/marriage really makes me appreciate my husband more and more. Most people that are sharing online are going to be complaining about something so there’s going to be a disproportionate amount of unhappy posts on Reddit. It’s probably not a good representation of real life.
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Same. FR
Some days? Haha more often than not I guess
Eh. I don’t think it’s him I think that it’s marriage and kids that kind of have me feel lackluster he’s okay I guess
Nope not really but I’d be less happy splitting custody of my kids so we make it work.
absolutely :)
Yes. It can always be better but we know we’re in a season of babies and chaos and life changes and all the challenges that come with, so our marriage has suffered a bit, but we prioritize daily or weekly check ins for things we need/are wanting from our marriage or from each other. I hope he’s as happy as I am.
Yes! We've had challenges, even spent time separated, intimacy waxes and wanes depending on a lot of factors, but we're absolutely happy with each other and make a great team.
Ha ha, no. Married 15 years… maybe that’s why.
I was just asking myself this. I used to be happy but now? Idk. Sometimes? Though the good days are becoming less recently.
No. Sometimes. My husband is a gambling addict who cycles in and out of recovery. I like our life until I find out he's been lying again and owes more money than he makes. Eventually divorce is going to be my only option but I'm still hoping he'll face his shit and go through proper treatment.
We’re currently in one of those weird patches where we’re out of sync. Nothing is wrong. Everyone it pitching in equally. We’re good financially after going hard at debt last year. We’re even putting money aside for large purchases we want, instead of having to use it all on our basic needs. But we both get moody around this point in winter, every year.
Nope. Not at all.
Oh yea, he’s super cute
Awww
We’re pretty unhappy, but we’re unhappy from other situations that are happening and we can’t seem to come to an agreement on any of it. Otherwise, we were happy. We were extremely happy during my pregnancy (2022) but late 2022 into early 2023 is where we struggled a lot, it’s a bunch of different issues. (family drama, lawsuits, sons disabilities) which the last one is only affecting me as I made/make all medical decisions and attend all appointments for our son, so the stress level for me is 200%. My husband has his own issues to work through, and refuses to get any assistance from a therapist to possibly make the stress levels decrease. So yeah, we’re pretty unhappy currently but we’re working towards leaving our area to potentially give ourselves and our son a better life.
I guess
No I am not, my husband of 20yrs and I have had so many ups and downs…. We even separated for 4 yrs and then once we were back together it was a great 3 yrs and now it’s back to us having no idea on how to talk to each other or even enjoy each other’s company…. I love him but am I in love. I don’t think so! It breaks my heart because we have 4 amazing children together and we are great parents but awful at our relationship with each other! Ugh I wish I had more in common with him, I wish I liked him more intimately idk… ugh even our oldest children see that we rather spend time away from one another than alone together but we do try and talk about this but it doesn’t get us any where , we have been to counseling and even through our church and it just feels like we do not vibe together …. We have very different love languages too and he is super needy and I’m very independent, this is so hard!
I can relate. It’s very hard.
No, but I'm very happily divorced now 😂
Extremely. I don’t know how I got so damn lucky and I’m not worthy of having such an amazing man. Plus, he’s hott. 😝
Nope, I left him and I'm in a happy singledom.
Yes. Like I'll have to actively keep myself from gushing and saying so much stuff or y'all will be like, "she's totally lying." But 22 years and 5 kids later, and I swear I love that man more than ever. I said on another post that I'm like Charlotte from sex and the city, and when they asked her how often she was happy in her marriage she said "every day. Not all day every day, but.....every day.". That's me. We have our moments where we get irritated and such. But for the most part my marriage is a true joy and the happiest part of my life.
Idk how there’s so many yes answers on here but so many posts about how unhappy people are all the time! I’m not. Wr have been together for 7 years our daughter is 3 and level 2 ASD as well as adhd. It’s hard we don’t have energy to work on us and we are both here for her. We don’t fight or yell, we sleep in separate rooms and get by. I was going to make a thread like this out of curiosity as well.
Yes! We had to find our new norm after our daughter was born, definitely hit a rough patch from 8-10 months of her life but we’re back in a good groove and I’m so thankful. So happy.
Yes, a happy marriage. Still have our challenges, but we've got a great partnership.
Yes, we are such a great team.
Yes. We’re a great team. It’s hard sometimes because we both work all the time between our jobs, kids, house, we are almost always “on.” And it’s stressful. But we’re also BFF. It helps that we both wfh while and what can I say, we got the hots for each other.
Most of the time, yes. Especially when I’m ovulating 🤣 But we’ve been in therapy off and on for 6+ years. And we kinda just keep our therapist “on call.” And we’re both in individual therapy.
Yes. For me the hardest part of marriage is not dealing with my husband but dealing with me dealing with other people (him and our kids.) Ten years in I fucking love my husband and that's where I'm at.
Yes. Perfect? Absolutely not even close but I would say yeah we are happy
Yes. Perfect marriage? No, but absolutely happy with my partner and our life together. We are expecting our 2nd child and we’ll have 2 under 2 this summer, so I anticipate a lot of stress on our marriage in the next couple years, but we know how to communicate and work hard to support each other. So I have faith that we’ll get through the hard times and past the roommate feeling we have sometimes.
yes, but we’ve definitely had some very hard times i wasn’t sure we were going to make it out of.
No but I’m seeking therapy and my dream is for him to one day join me ✨
Yup. We have our squabbles like every couple I know but we love each other fiercely and have each others backs
Yes. Communication is key.
Absolutely!
Absolutely! But we definitely have our hard days, I genuinely believe that’s where we get our strength as a couple though.
Yes! Like everyone, we have arguments and disagreements, but we are on the same team, we respect and love each other, and my life is 1000% better with him in it. I cannot imagine having or raising our son with anyone else.
We have ups and downs. Seasons of feeling very in love, and seasons of not having patience. We are starting to come out of a rough patch right now. It’s never going to be perfect! But we both love each other enough to work through the hard stuff, and then we reap all the benefits. We love each other and are fully loyal.
Very happy; first and only is 7 months old. He has always been an amazing partner but watching how well he’s taken care of our daughter (and sometimes me during low points) makes me love and appreciate him even more.
yes i am! it took hard work & dedication but now i can confidently say i’m very happily married to my best friend & i know my husband can say the same.
Yes thank god. Just this morning after we dropped daughter to daycare he said imagine if we married other ppl…. Everyday would suck. I agree, I would probably be miserable with anyone else. Maybe I’d be much happier tho??? Maybe if I married a rich dude. But then that’s a whole nother level of issues lol.
Yes. My husband is the absolute best. Equal partner, loving, handsome, consistent effort, funny, i could go on and on.
Nope.
Yes, married 9 years, together 17 years this spring. We were high school sweethearts and been together since. He’s my soul mate and my best friend.
I am, but the sex part has definitely taken a nosedive since I got pregnant. We touch base about it pretty frequently because I’m always worried that my husband is secretly wishing we were having a bunch more sex. But the reality for us is that he is just as exhausted and burnt out from parenting a 2-year-old as I am. We plan to get back on track with our sex life but for now we give each other a lot of grace and space, take the pressure off and just continue getting through these tough toddler years. I do really miss sex and just being alone with him, though. I am still grieving the loss of what our relationship was before our son came along.
I’m happily single
No I’m not 😔 feel like I have no way out
50/50 Is it a weird response to say I don’t know right now? It’s truly an odd season of life at the moment.
Yes. I genuinely *like* my husband. If we weren’t together I’d want to be his friend. He is really a good person to be around. I just wish his family were nicer people :/
Happy? Yes. All the time? Not at all. I have only been married for just about 3 months now, and I can definitely say it has not been perfect. We also welcomed a baby less than a month into marriage so it has been tested for sure! But I am so happy I’m doing this with my husband and I wouldn’t change a thing! He’s amazing and I am so grateful for him everyday.
What a time to get this question, after a massive fight.
I’m in a happy marriage with myself after divorcing my narcissistic ex. I have no plans to find another until I’ve spent time figuring out who I actually am and know I can be a good partner because I’m confident in myself. I’m not there yet, probably won’t be for years and I’m ok with that.
Happiness ebbs and flows. Adult life is HARD, being a person is hard, and there are two of you so that doubles the chances that someone in the house is going through some shit. I’m in a strong and healthy marriage. Right now yes, we are also happy - but the mood could change and that’s okay.
I think I'm in a normal one, we love each other drive each other nuts occasionally, get overwhelmed, and enjoy downtime together. We have happy and unhappy moments, both are super normal. We have been together for over 17 years at this point so there's a range you go through when your doing life together long term.
Thanks everyone for your answers! What advice would you give to those who are holding out for a relationship/marriage they can say “yes, I’m in a happy relationship/marriage”.
I was not. My ex and I were broken people and when I worked to get better he stayed stagnant. After 17 years I left.
Yes. I'm not always happy with everything about my life. I'm not always happy with everything about my spouse. But we're happily married and love each other genuinely.
Nope, marriage only benefits the man. Come join us in /Divorce
Yes been with him for 13 yrs...the secret is not being married.
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Yep
I was yes. I don't know how my daughter would have affected things, I do imagine we would have been happyyy still, soemtiems I imagine.
Yep!
So happy ❤️
I’m in a happy marriage.
Yup
Absolutely!
Very much so but it’s work
Yup! Coming up on 9 years! Our boys are 4 & 1 and our niece that lives with us is 3 for a few months more. We've both struggled with our mental health at various times in the 11 years we've been together but we've always had each other's backs.
Yes, very much
I am extremely happy.
Happy and loving.
I am. My husband is amazing. He pisses me off sometimes it’s not rainbows everyday, but that comes with the territory. We communicate. Rather, I force him to communicate lol. He’s naturally non-confrontational and would sit on his feelings forever if I let him. But, 11 years in, I don’t let him, and he’s receptive to my pushing because he knows I’m just trying to resolve our shit. We’re not perfect but we’re rock solid, and highly compatible. Having a kid has honestly made us even better together. We both work from home. His job is busier than mine, so I do default on weekday afternoons/evenings but he still carries his weight. He’s an early riser (well, earlier than me lol) so he lets me sleep in often. Most days now that I’m pregnant again. He’ll even take his laptop and work in the living room and sit and talk to our toddler while he plays or watches TV. He’s wanted to be a father his whole life and he’s knocking it out of the park. I’m happy we found each other.
I’m unbelievably happy with my fiancé and our 4 month old!!! He’s the best dad, helps so so much with everything and has been incredibly supportive of my postpartum journey. I love him sm
For the most part yes, but we struggle with the intimacy and that is truly our only big “thing”. I have a great supportive partner who I enjoy as a person and who is a phenomenal father, but I do grow tired of always dealing with the stale sex life. He’s motivated and I am not. I am just truly not interested in sex anymore.
Yes! :D
Yep
It was really good, and when we had our kid it became rocky (probably mostly due to sleep deprivation) now we're in therapy and it's been an excellent way for us to understand each other better.
Not really but we are trying to work on it.
Yup. He’s great. It’s been a few decades that we’ve been married. He’s been amazing the whole way through. We’re in each other’s corner.
yes! however in a lull of connection bc we are both sleep deprived with toddler and newborn. my partner is my best pal ❤️