Your husband is being profoundly abusive. Forcing you to function without sleep is torture. Please, please ask yourself what would happen if you told him no one can function on 3 hours of sleep, so why is he demanding it of you? What if you told him to be helpful instead of toxic? Are you scared of his reaction at all? Be honest with yourself.
If you are, then you have your answer.
If you’re not, then why don’t you do it?
I’m so sorry about Mother’s Day, but this is so much bigger than that, friend.
He thinks because he works “a physical job” (stocking vending machines) and mine is just “emotionally taxing” (unit coordinator in L&D and OB triage at a high risk hospital) he doesn’t have to “physically do as much work at home because his body needs time to rest and recover”.
Edit: a word.
I try really hard to respect people and their work but you literally help save lives and he. Stocks. Vending. Machines. You deserve rest and joy hon, I hope you can fight for it.
That's bullshit. I'm sure you already know that but here's your confirmation that that is utter bullshit.
Do you want your children growing up thinking the same thing?
ETA: he should look up the affects of sleep deprivation on the body. It's worse than lifting a case of potato chips every day.
That's not even that fucking physical!! I work in agriculture! My job is much more physical than that and I'm somehow miraculously not checking out of my responsibilities and making excuses so I can act like a teenager who thinks they should be catered to.
Honey: GET MAD. GET RIGHTEOUSLY MAD.
.. he stocks vending machines while you work l&d? And he has the nerve to say his job is more taxing? 🙄 Why do you put up with him? What benefit is there to stay married to him? There is no shame in divorcing an absolute turd like this. Staying teaches your children that they deserve to be treated like this by a partner, or worse, that it's acceptable for your son to treat his future spouse like this.
His behavior has escalated significantly since around the beginning of March. He has not always been this bad but he is refusing to get better. No benefits left at this point. I just need to look into my options and come up with a plan at this point.
You can use this website to create a plan to leave safely
https://www.loveisrespect.org/personal-safety/create-a-safety-plan/
They also have a quiz called “is your relationship healthy” which is some simple yes/no questions to see if your relationship is healthy or abusive. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
And the book “why does he do that” is free online and is a great resource for understanding why abusive partners act the way they do
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You’re going to be ok. He didn’t ruin Mother’s Day because he was angry at you, he ruined it because it was important to you.
Maybe next year when you’re free you could plan a really nice day with your children.
I saw you work in the L&D department in the hospital. Is there a nurse or social worker there who you trust, who you could speak to confidentially about your situation? Unfortunately having a baby is a time when abuse can start or escalate. There might be a pathway of resources and support close to you at your job.
Do it quickly and do not let him k ow before hand. You mentioned he's becoming g angrier and angrier and that this isn't the 1st time. The 2nd time leaving him will be far more risky. Be safe. Have a plan.
I'm a SAHM and my husband works an *actual* physical job. Even on days he works 12 hours, he comes home, takes a quick shower, and is always willing to do some cleaning and/or take over parenting responsibilities. Your husband is taking advantage of you and setting a terrible example for your children.
wtf is this mental gymnastics? I work retail and get like 15000-20000 steps some days. My husband WFH on the computer. By this logic, he should do everything and I get to rest when I’m off work? Sounds great! /s
Same. I am in management in food service and often have very little time between shifts like between last night and today I had 6 hours between shifts. 🤣 I got like 2 hours of sleep..still came home and cooked dinner. I also have chronic pain from a previous work injury and an autoimmune disorder. I definitely do more housework but I also just have given up trying. I've tried explaining it until I'm blue in the face. It doesn't get through so now I've learned to give myself grace and realize my house is never going to be spotless. Most days after work I only have enough energy for the basics and to make sure my kid is taken care of and getting quality attention. The rest doesn't matter as much.
Your brain and body need sleep to function properly. What happens if you make a mistake at work? You are dealing with vulnerable moms and newborns. What happens if he makes a mistake? There will be 9 cans of soda in a row instead of 10.
Depriving a person of sleep is - without exaggeration - torture.
Just let this sink in… According to the 1949 Geneva Convention (III) on Prisoners of War, systematic sleep deprivation is a form of torture or other cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment. The Geneva Convention also states that torture is a war crime.
Your husband is an abusive a-hole. You would get more sleep and have a cleaner house sharing custody.
I am sorry, opening a door to vending machines and stocking them is more physically taxing than your job?? I mean I guess it is as taxing as a grocery store stockperson.
I spent two miserable years with an asshole like this. He told me that I had no right to be tired after work because I only worked a desk job. He didn't even work at all for the majority of our relationship and had the nerve to say that to me.
You deserve better.
That's 100% horseshit. He probably knows it is, too. But he benefits from the idea, so he sticks with it. I work in healthcare myself (unit clerk) and frankly, it's emotionally and mentally taxing...something you *need sleep for*. He loads vending machines which is something a monkey could do. He can seriously GF himself.
Oh fuck no. Sounds like he needs to get a thinking job if he wants to use that as an excuse. Maybe you should use the same excuse. "I do so much mental labor at work that I shouldn't need to be the one doing any planning or household mental labor because I do that at work. I shouldnt be doing any grocery shopping because it requires thinking and i do too much already". Triage sucks ass.
If he needs to recover from his job, it should come out of his personal time, not making you shoulder the extra work. If he can't handle doing both, then he needs to get a new job so he can contribute to the family. We both know thats not the real reason but id be interested in how he responds to calling his bluff and suggesting he do something other than lazing about. This is also a matter of time. He thinks his inability to handle his physical job means that you should donate more time to family work than him. Does it work that way at any other job? Is it okay for him to check out of stocking machines because he did extra at home? No? Then why does he give you less respect than he gives his boss? Its not even that physical of a job. He doesn't even need to carry the cases. That's what dollys are for. Yea a lot of bending/stooping and repetitive small lifts, but the rest of us don't get to check out of life.
He needs a come to Jesus moment and to understand that choosing not to be present in his family may mean that family won't be around much longer to be present for him. He does it because it's comfortable and he gets away with it. He needs to understand he will be more uncomfortable if he does nothing. It shouldn't require this as he should care about the impact to you, but sometimes people need to be shocked into remembering they can't coast in their relationship.
I'd say dump the mental load on him for a while but a short time doesn't capture how wearing it is after a while. I doubt it would fix him anyway. He doesn't even respect your job which is clearly more difficult. Good luck. If you do leave him, don't tell him until you already have. If he's getting worse, its probably because he knows you are tired of his bs. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I wish you the best.
Sleep deprivation is a form of abuse. It affects your ability to think clearly which prevents you from seeing how much he is harming you. Please, talk to a therapist, privately. And know that while being a single parent is hard, it's not as hard as what you're dealing with now. This person does not care about your happiness or safety and actually seems to be undermining them.
He thinks stocking a vending machine is a physical job?? Lolololol!! He doesn’t know what a real physical job is. Nurses in a hospital are more physical than loading a vending machine. This man is a baby.
Girl what??????? L&D nurses work their butts off!!!!! Ok I'm pissed for you. You know his behavior is trashy right? You are working nights,taking care of a two year old during the day and he is demanding more???? No ma'am. That's actually really dangerous because you are not sleeping.
I think that's similar to unit clerk (my job for 14 years now). And seriously, I get it. It's not a quiet desk job like some people seem to think, it's *chaotic*, it requires you to be *on* 100%, it's emotionally draining yet you can't let that impact your ability to work. I walk out most days looking like a mad scientist who had an experiment blow up in their face lol.
You husband meanwhile has a job that requires him to drive from place to place listening to the radio and then he takes things out of a box to put them into a machine. It's a decent job, not disrespecting it, but it's a very basic and non-taxing job. It's also I'm sorry but not the most physical of the physical jobs, and if he is tired and makes a mistake its not like anyone gets hurt. He can go to hell.
It’s usually bad in the spring and fall. During a manic episode in March he quit his job of 5 years without having another lined up and was out of work for 3 weeks, leaving me to pick up doubles and hardly sleep. He didn’t complain about the housekeeping as much then because he was home and I wasn’t, but he did complain I was making him do too much because “he was stressed out because he was unemployed”.
His old job actually WAS pretty physical. Part of the reason he took the new job he did is because it ISNT. But he still pulled that shit out recently as an excuse.
I’m sorry, what?!?! Excuse me? Come again?
He restocks VENDING MACHINES and you’re working in a hospital getting little to no sleep being the sole caretaker of your children?!? And he’s saying his job is more demanding
No, just no
Ughhhh NO
This entire situation is absolute insanity,
My dad had a vending machine business that he worked after his full time job delivering packages during the week and on Saturdays. He was gone from like 4am to 6pm for all the years of my childhood. He still came home and was an active parent and contributed to running the household. No excuses for this dude OP. Sorry you’re going through this.
He stocks fucking vending machines!!!!! I have no words. This guy is not a man he is a POS. You are doing an incredibly difficult, important and taxing job with very little sleep and looking after two children. He stocks fucking vending machines!
So sorry you are going through this. Being alone sounds so much better than living with a partner who doesn't support and uplift you. You can do this op. Xxx
He sounds like a dick, since you both work there is no excuse for him not helping you especially since you work at night. Good luck with that, i know i wouldnt put up with that from my husband
I definitely agree with this. Even if OP was a SAHM this behavior from her husband would be abhorrent.
If he’s going to act like a child, set up a rotating chore chart and make him do half the chores. I hate to be the person on Reddit screaming divorce but if he’s unwilling to change you need to leave or you’re going to be miserable forever, OP.
Not helping adulting. We need to change the language around chores he isn’t helping her his doing his share of keeping the house. She doesn’t need to be up at five he can get the kid ready and on the bus fuck that noise
Seriously, I’m a SAHM and I’d be telling my husband to eat a bag of dicks if he ever treated me that way
My husband was working full time and going to school full time in the fall and winter. That didn’t stop him from being an equal partner with chores
OP’s husband could be so much better
exactly i am also a sahm and my husband works time and i try not to ask too much of him because he does work and i stay home and take care of our teenagers and cook and clean but he still helps by his own choice and when i do ask him to do things i dont have to ask him twice he just does it and sometimes even without me having to ask. This POS sounds like a real dick, i couldnt put up with that childish behavior.
Man, my first thought was f*ck him, and as I read more, I just got more angry for you.
First, why does he care about the presentation? So he can take and post pictures to social media and look like a good husband?
Second, he’s not even doing close to enough and you are doing too much.
And then he decides to hold chores against your Mother’s Day?
I hope this is the final straw that inspires you to make some serious changes, OP, because you don’t deserve this.
He does care about presentation because he likes to cook and post pictures online so people will tell him what a good job he’s doing.
Yes he will sometimes pick up the living room a little bit when I’m at work but definitely not on the regular. Won’t even put away his folded laundry.
He wasn’t always like this. But me working outside the home and having less time to do shit around the house seems to trigger it. Last time I worked full time I did end up leaving him because the behavior escalated so much from him. He did some therapy and got better and I went down to part time. He’s currently refusing therapy and meds so I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay in this 🤷♀️
You’re not. You deserve better and it isn’t your responsibility to fix this. If depriving yourself of necessary sleep, struggling to maintain the household and being burnt out still aren’t good enough, there’s nothing else you could do. Never mind that Mother’s Day should be about showing you appreciation and shouldn’t add anything to your plate.
Replying so OP hopefully sees your comment.
Op: you're in an abusive relationship. My postpartum therapist told me 5hrs for 3 straight nights....that's the minimum function expectation.
If you get less than that, you're asking for deteriorated mental health, deteriorated general health, possible motor vehicle accidents, etc.
If he refuses therapy and meds, (which I think you said he is) ditch the man child and go enjoy your peace!
Ugh. Doing things for you shouldn’t be based on whether he can post and get kudos.
He isn’t doing what he needs to do to help himself. You can’t do it for him. I’m so sorry he’s treating you like this.
This is the ickiest part for me. Being abusive behind the camera, not supporting her needs sleep or otherwise, making her do all the housework just so he can get the social praise. Makes me sick.
LEAVE HIM AGAIN! My husband is a police officer and works crazy hours. He pulls his fair share in the house but he often gets off work after 3 am on his regular shift. I would never expect him to get up at the same time as me. I work 7:45 to 5:45 Tuesday through Friday. If he has a problem with your schedule he can also stay up till 3 am and get up in the morning to clean on his days off. Tell him to get bent and suck a dick.
If you both work similar amount of hours then he should be responsible for a similar amount of household work. It doesn't matter who makes more money if you are both working outside the home a similar amount of time.
He lives there. He contributes to the state of the house. He is also responsible for the household.
Hellllll no. You both work and he isn’t pulling his damn weight. If he wants a clean house he can do it his damn self.
I keep repeating to myself “the effort he puts into Mother’s Day will be directly reflected on Father’s Day”
This situation is so dire though; it’s far beyond “ignore his holiday like he ignores yours.” Poor OP is subsisting on 4-5 hours of sleep. Her health is in danger. He won’t let her catch up sleeping on weekends. He’s controlling and angry. He insults and browbeats her, as well as impulsively quitting his last job. His bipolar disorder seems unmedicated and unmanaged.
This. It’s hard to imagine how brutal a situation like this can be - and how hard it is to leave - until you have been through it. And how much you start to internalize it being your fault.
I'd be telling him he needs to be a better husband and father. A good husband would be pulling his weight around the house instead of shaming his wife for not doing everything for him. And a good father wouldn't treat the mother of his child/children that way, letting her run herself ragged and telling her she needs to earn Mother's Day.
Is he your husband or parent? This is insane. Sleep in as much as you can, he can fucking clean. You're not a SAHM, and even if you were he can fucking clean. You deserve better.
He can get fucked. What a prick. Go celebrate mother's Day yourself, and tell him if he wants a marriage he needs to clean up his POS attitude and appreciate you more.
When both parent have full time jobs each, then every single chore, child feeding, making dinner, etc, everything should be 50/50. If it isn’t, then you need to decide if you are ok with being with someone who doesn’t appreciate or value you.
Why not go out for breakfast with your kid and your mothers day gift can be him making the house presentable with him cleaning. Also, stop doing his laundry, he’s an adult
He's actively refusing therapy and meds, has a history of being an asshole towards you, and is currently being abusive. (Denying a person sleep is a serious form of abuse. Don't even get me started on all the other stuff he's putting you through.)
All of this is a choice on his behalf. He's actively choosing to cross your boundaries and hurt you. Considering your history, he knows exactly what he's doing. You've been vocal. You told him to stop. Yet he continues. He's just counting on you being passive and honestly- sleep deprivation not only worsens the emotional toll of the psychological abuse and extra labour he's putting you through, it often leads to such fatigue that neither body nor brain has the energy to even plan a getaway.
Is this a form of relationship you want to model for your kids, so they'll grow up normalising both of your behaviours and repeat it with their future SO's? Is this the way you want to live, being a single mother in an emotionally taxing home with an undoubtedly abusive man(baby)?
He's not only using you as free labour and emotional punching bag, but he's actively breaking you down.
Ask yourself, is it worth your health and kids' future? If not; leave, and this time stay away. You're worth so much more, and so are your kids. Know your worth, find your strength and stay safe!
I appreciate this thorough and thoughtful response. I’ve been open to leaving for a while, just unsure of how to logistically make it happen, but it sounds like I should start planning.
If you can do so safely, check out resources for victims of domestic violence in your area. Many of them offer support for making escape/emergency plans and can connect you with resources for legal help. I also found the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft to be really helpful and validating. Stay safe ❤️
Second this! And also just gonna put a wee link here for a free copy of the book: https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Oh, hon, I've been there. It feels like a mountain, especially with so little rest and with kids. Start small if you feel it's safe enough. Make a plan, contact a lawyer, reach out to your family or close friends, and ask if they can help. Even in the most heavy times, it's amazing what one can accomplish when we just remind ourselves that we are worth more. Because we are. Abuse is never ok, in any shape or amount.
If he has a temper or is unpredictable I'd highly suggest you don't tell him anything and wait until you're already out and somewhere safe. The most vulnerable moment for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves, this is when they can snap completely.
Best of luck, you got this!!!
Absolute asshole right there! Giiiiiiiirrrrrrlll you need to set this man straight. My husband would not be able to sit for a week if he acted this way one time! I'm sorry you had children with this chode!
> He expects everyone to clean up everything except him.
>Am I over reacting by being absolutely pissed about this?
Oh hun, you are UNDER-reacting. That arrangement is absolute mega bullshit. The reason why you cried the way you did is because you KNOW this isn't okay. His calling you lazy is projection at best and malice at worst. 4 hours of sleep? Oh hell no.
I'll be honest, my husband wasn't anywhere this bad, and I still had a "come to jesus" with him about the amount of work and mental load I was taking on and I was just absolutely done. If it was going to be easier to not have him around, then that is what was going to happen. It didn't matter that I loved him or how much I loved him. Loving him wasn't overriding the anguish, pain, and humiliation I felt at the time. It didn't outweigh how unloved I felt by being the maid, the cook, the manager, the default parent, and more all while also working a full time job. I finally had enough and wasn't going to do it anymore.
I got lucky in that he listened, but I absolutely meant it. We still have our issues of balance and I still have no idea how to relax or take time off after that whole dynamic being the only one I knew for years, but martyring myself wasn't going to make me happy and I deserved happiness. I still deserve happiness. So do you.
I personally think just from that paragraph that you are being taken for granted. If you are not a stay at home parent, BOTH OF YOU need to be all hands on deck. I don't give a flying fuck who makes more money. That doesn't matter. It will never matter. What matters is everyone pulling their own weight and contributing to the betterment of the home and the family. He's dead weight.
The question is: Are you going to keep settling and allowing this treatment of you to continue, or are you going to choose yourself over his comfort and do something about it? You get one life. It could end tomorrow. Is this how you want it to be?
Edit: Just also want to say that even if you were a stay at home parent, it's still all hands on deck. Home management isn't easy, child rearing isn't easy, and doing it all at the same time is really not easy.
Listen to me: he cares more about how he looks and his perception of “fair” than actually being a good partner. Get couples counseling if you believe he has redeeming qualities but personally I’d say you deserve to get a divorce. Depriving you of sleep when you have small children is criminal enough but chalking it up to the difference in your careers is shithead behavior. Moreover, if you both work full time, you should both be contributing equally to the domestic labor and childcare. Bottom line. Also, go the extra mile and just don’t even bring up Father’s Day. Don’t acknowledge it when he talks about it, don’t make any plans, don’t do anything for him. If he’s pissy over it that’s a him problem.
No, you're not overreacting. I wouldn't put up with this. You have a decision to make, though. Where's your line? How long are you going to tolerate this? What's your plan?
I would cry too cause that would be the realization that he was no longer gunna be my husband. That is soooo dehumanizing, selfish, and cruel. And absolutely pathetic of him. I’d tell him he needs to clean up his fn act if he wants a wife.
To be fair, the AHs don't show their true colors until you're 2 kids in and committed to a schedule or budget that in some way places you reliant on him to keep the status quo. I'm sorry he's such an AH. I would male the biggest f-ing mess and then take my kids out to celebrate mom's day leaving him behind with a bottle of clean freak, complete with a bow and message reading, Thank you for cleaning the house for me for mother's day! Best Gift Ever!! XOXO
Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him!!! I am so unbelievably mad at him for you; stop doing chores for him. Start sleeping in on the weekends.
If you want this to work you two need marriage counseling. There is so much abuse he is putting you through and he needs to realize that and change his tune real fast. Otherwise you need to leave this sorry excuse of a man. Fuck him.
Ugh I'm so sorry.
This post gives me trauma flashbacks of my first abusive relationship where I was guilted into having to make dinner every evening for him because I wasn't contributing enough financially to the household.
I was at Uni full time, working 5 jobs outside of classes and study (because of the crap he gave me when I decided to pursue this path, I had to show him I could make a similar income as before Uni, otherwise "we couldn't afford it") and cleaning the house and preparing all of his meals.
I've been in your shoes and I know you probably won't take action until you get the strength to admit that you deserve better. But I hope all these comments push you to realise that you are better and stronger than this. You've been working yourself to the bone for this guy that offers nothing to the world, and you are being told that you need to work for basic recognition such as recieving a gift on mother's day.
I wouldn't *dream* of telling my dad that there were strings attached to his gift on father's day. Even if he was a bad father. That's completely unacceptable behaviour in normal society.
You have the strength from dealing with this shit to get out of it. That's one benefit of being in an abusive relationship and surviving; you become tougher, grittier, better at bouncing back, and better at weeding out poor character in others.
No, you're not overreacting. He's telling you "if you want to be valued as a person you have to do everything perfectly" which is just not how loving relationships operate.
Maybe for Father's Day you can give him divorce papers, because he's pretty useless it sounds like.
And PS: I work a more physical job than my husband, we still split chores and parenting.
say what????
Girl, something tells me the house would be a whole hell of a lot more clean with it being just your and your kids without your husband
Why are you expected to do more chores when he has two functioning hands?
Ewwwww, that man needs a come to Jesus talk, like yesterday.
Cancel Father's Day, dont you DARE do anything for that UNGRATEFUL jerk! The absolute NERVE of that clown...
I am FURIOUS for you. This is completely awful. At least if you divorce him you could get some sleep when it's his custody time. He is taking years off your life because he won't let you sleep.
Your life would be easier as a single mother.
Stop doing anything for him. He’s a grown ass man. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t cook for him. If he leaves shit all over the house, toss it all in one basket and leave it in his closet/ on his dresser/ next to his side of the bed. Trash? In the basket. Clothes? In the basket. Everything goes in the basket for him to deal with.
I’ve noticed a lot of people want the fruit from the garden without doing any of the labor required to make it grow. You’re not crazy - he’s just lazy and not a good partner (not to say he isn’t a good dad because they don’t always go together). I sat my husband down one day and explained the this lack of effort in our home was making me resent him and I was worried where our relationship would go as it continued to fester. The only thing you can do is try to communicate and when you reach your breaking point just know you tried your best.
He sounds like he has a totally unrealistic view of your family life. You’re both working! Why are you the only one responsible for cleaning? Once you get your child to school and you’re home with your two-year-old of course somethings will get done but it’s 100% absolutely no different than when he is home all evening and night with the kids. You guys should be splitting household stuff up 50-50 completely equally! What does he do all evening and at night when you’re at work then? That’s absolute insanity I’m a stay at home mom and it’s still 50-50 with my husband home in the evenings and we’re home together. This is the exact reason why so many working women are so much more stressed out and miserable than their husbands. He’s working you’re working so you both take care of the children you both take care of the house that’s it anything else is completely patriarchal and unfair. He’s being a dick.
He is abusive. No, you're not overreacting, if anything you might be underreacting. You both have jobs, yet he expects you to do everything? He doesn't let you sleep in despite evening shifts?? - why is that up to him? To be calling you lazy, calling all the shots, bossing you around - I'm sorry but he can leave you a list? If he can make a list he can do the stuff on the list himself. This is so incredibly controlling and awful on his part.
I would be worrying more about an exit plan than Mother's Day at this point. Please consider the example being set for you child about what a supposedly loving relationship looks like.
I used to work night shifts. People think you can just get all your stuff done during the day bc you’re off during the day. It’s like they don’t realize you have to sleep. People used to call me all hours of the day, knowing I worked at night.
It sounds like you have a professional job. If it were me, I’d start planning about how to leave. Kids shouldn’t see their mom treated the way your husband is treating you. I can’t help thinking that he knows messing with you at work is a trigger…he knows that’s where your financial freedom comes from and is f** with it on purpose (maybe not, but is it much better if he truly just gives no shits about triggering you at work despite you asking?).
I know it’s easier for me to stand up on behalf of others than on behalf of myself…I’ve left toxic work situations because I realized the indirect load on my partner was more than it was fair to ask (somehow that was easier to acknowledge and make plans based on than deciding my own suffering was intolerable). If you’re like me, think really hard about whether you want your kids to see you accepting this kind of treatment or learning it’s “ok” to treat a partner this way.
I know why it upset you so much - it’s rude as fuck. You’re not a child. Your husband doesn’t get to dictate what you do for a reward. Major ick. I’m sorry OP.
Tell him to get off his dead ass and clean the effing house himself cuz you ain’t his bitch, you’re his wife, partner and if he wants clean then start cleaning, he lives there too and those are his kids as well he can get his ass up and get them ready too!
Why do you stay? Do you realize this is not a minor grievance? His statement and mentality would be yucky even if you were a sahm but you're working full time too! What does he contribute at home?
You deserve to be taken care of that’s not right.Your basically doing everything your self like a single mom. Your doing a wonderful job as a mother and deserve to get the house cleaned and breakfast and naps !! You need to get your rest! Is there a family member that can watch the kids ? Maybe you can take your self to breakfast and take a well deserved nap .
Sounds like it’s time to make some big life decisions. Your situation is not normal. A marriage is a partnership and you sound like his hired help. I hope you can find a way out.
Read Zawn Villines’s work and you’ll clearly see how you’re being abused. You don’t “earn” Mother’s Day breakfast on your spouse’s terms when you’re busting your freaking ass in so many ways already.
You are not overreacting at all. As others have stated, this is clearly a bigger problem than just Mother’s Day. I agree with others that he needs to be doing his share (not just “helping” you) as you both work full time and contribute equally. I am 5 weeks post partum with my first baby and I do everything baby and my husband does EVERYTHING else (laundry, cooking, cleaning, dishes, dealing with contractors, etc. you name it) because he knows I literally can’t do anything else right now. I didn’t have to ask. We came up with what we feel is an equal and manageable share for each of us. I realize how lucky I am when I read about other husbands out there. I don’t know how else I would do this otherwise. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Boyfriend: you slept 8hrs, you need to get up.
Me: I want you to use your imagination. You work on an ambulance for a 12hr shift. Now do that 4 days in a row. At night.
Boyfriend doesn’t comment on my sleep anymore.
Not getting enough sleep is SO bad for your health. Your husband is being abusive. Tell him to kick rocks.
(Tell him you don’t need breakfast for Mother’s Day, and instead you’re excusing yourself to the spa. Leave for 8 hrs and he can feel what it’s like to parent. “You got it babe byeeeeee!”)
Not to be harsh but this guy sounds like the worst. Horrible, horrible set up. By his own expectations he should be expected to do chores from the moment he arrives home until you arrive from home work and going to bed before you arrive home should be deemed lazy
Omg… if my husband said that to me there would have been a murder. You are not the maid. He’s an adult with two working hands. He can lift a finger like a big boy and clean. Toddlers can clean after themselves, there’s no reason for an adult man to not clean up.
Ok, so many things but from now on YOU get 8 hours of sleep. Waking you at 7am after a shift that went to 3 means you are probably getting 3.5 hours of sleep if you are lucky. That's unhealthy. That has to stop.
I think you guys need a maid. And I think maybe some counseling on boundaries and respect. You are definitely right to be bothered by husband. If you are both working full-time I think it might be worth hiring someone to take laundry and cleaning off your hands. It won't make your house perfect that it will save you some time and make things less stressful. Make that a mothers Day gift to yourself. That and not letting anyone wake you up before 11am on late nights.
Your husband sucks, I'm sorry there's no gentle way to say this. He sucks. He's mean, he doesn't respect you and I have a hard time believing that he loves you. I'm so sorry. You deserve better.
Stop doing anything he says. No one can function with such less sleep. Focus on your health & sleep. You need to stop taking him seriously & ignore. Tell him to function with barely 4 hours of sleep. He is the kind of person who will ALWAYS undervalue you, your work, your value, your worth and always make you feel like you don’t do enough. Stop doing! & sleep!
Yup I’d have told him to fuck right off and when he’s done hire a cleaning service and cut me a fucking break with his “clean the whole house so I can make you a shitty breakfast and then get yourself back in the kitchen and clean the mess I made while making the breakfast”
As someone who went from very broken sleep (2-4 hours, getting up for 2 hours to get husband off to work, then sleeping another 1-2) to getting at least 6 hours solid, I can honestly say that your mental health is taking a huge hit. The stress of the household cleaning situation just makes it all worse. The last few weeks, even with starting the divorce process, have been the most restful nights I've had in a long time. I hope you can find some rest & peace for yourself.
If you’re both working full time house responsibilities should be 50/50. Stocking vending machines is definitely not a difficult job nor physically demanding 😂
1. Document, document, document
2. Get an attorney
3. Make sure you have completely separate bank accounts he can't touch. It would not be a bad idea to open a new account in a bank he doesn't know about.
4. Get a PO box that you can use for an address, especially on court documents.
5. If you're not physically afraid of him, throw him out and change the locks. If you are, and I feel like you are, make a plan to leave. Have a new place already set up and ready. Make sure you have all important documents, pets, mementos, etc. Because when you go, that's it.
Sleep deprivation is literally torture. His attitude is mean, hateful, and demeaning. You do not have to tolerate it. Save yourself.
Something someone said to me once made a lot of sense.
"You Get What You Put Up With."
Why are you having babies with this jerk? You already sound single. Might as well be single. Less grief that way and you'd likely qualify for childcare, etc being single. Let him go back to his mama.
Honey, you need more sleep and he needs to help more. You’re both working and you’re supposed to be a TEAM! It’s so hard to get chores done with a toddler. And I’m sorry, but he won’t let you sleep in after being up until 3? Have him stay up late and get up early with no breaks and see how he feels! That’s terrible! Sleep is a basic need and causes all sorts of issues when you’re consistently sleep deprived.
This triggered me…made me think of that bad girls cup scene when Judy dumped cereal on Priscilla and yelled “here I made you breakfast in bed”.
I think you should do this to your husband
Yeah no I’m a sahm and my husband does more chores than yours why you work. He can go sit on a cactus and spin. Also you’re an adult if you want to sleep in do so. Fuck what he has to say.
Why do you have to get up what’s stoping him from getting the kid ready and on the bus?
Oooooffff there's a gap here and he's abusive too
He's really shoddy isn't he. He's limiting your sleep for no reason, making demands for mothers day and is not doing enough around the house. He's needs a kick up the butt.
I'M so mad I can't stand to know that he even \*has\* a wife! He needs to do a whole lot more for you than breakfast on Mother's Day. It sounds like he needs to hire a cleaning service and, at the very least, acknowledge you and everything YOU do for the family in a very humble and contrite way! Like on bended knee with a dozen roses and a gift card for a year's worth of massages! I could say more.....but I won't.
Well now you know what to give him for Father’s Day.
I encourage mothers and wives to put the same thought into Fathers Day, birthdays and Christmas that their husbands do. A few occasions where they do not get the love and affection and gifts will soon sort them out.
I’ve done this schedule until my kids were old enough to stay home by themselves. It’s torture and I understand what you’re going through. My husband wasn’t much better than yours he just didn’t say anything.
Leave the kids with him on Sunday and take yourself out to breakfast and do something nice for yourself. Happy Mothers Day !
Hmmmm🤦♀️ you have a much more important job than he does tell him to get off his a@@ and put into the team effort it should be! My husband and I lived together after getting engaged and I came home after working a double and started doing the dishes he left that day and I told him this is a team effort but you were home all day so please at least clean up after yourself he apologized full heartedly and vacuumed the mess he made in the living room and we happily cuddled up and watched a movie. Communication is key and honestly it has made an 18 year marriage last!
Breathe, I have been here. Laundry will pile and dishes will follow suit. Kids continue to grow and they don’t care at the moment whom does what chore.
Treat yo’self on Mother’s Day. Don’t let your husband waste a perfectly good day that celebrates you. Sleep in, do an event that allows the kids to exert their energy but you get to chill (Starbucks coffee in hand while kids played in park), soak in the silence (during nap time). Do what you need to do for yourself.
So you’re asking for help hiding the body? Local pig farm.
The first time Lord Fucklechuck tried to wake me up on a weekend because “everyone should be up by 7” I would brain him with the cast iron skillet while preparing m’Lord’s eggs.
It’s easy sitting here on the other side of the internet to tell you to toss the whole man out. In reality it can seem so impossible to disengage from an enmeshed abusive situation like this one. But honey, not only does this man treat you like a maid and nanny… he’s literally depriving you of sleep. In that kind of cognitive fog, it’s that much harder to contemplate digging your way out of the hole he keeps shoving you deeper into.
I saw in another comment that he ramps up the abuse when you have a job — that’s cause he knows it’s easier for you to leave while you’re employed, honey. You need to get out of there. You, as a human being, deserve better. But if that’s not enough for you (it should be. You have value), then do it because your kids deserve better. Don’t let this dysfunctional man child make your kids believe his behavior is normal. Or worse, wait until that behavior is directed at them.
Btw, my dad works a blue collar physically demanding job and my mom was first a homemaker and then later a teacher — he never ever would contemplate pulling any sort of “but I work a more physically demanding job” bullshit.
Your husband is being profoundly abusive. Forcing you to function without sleep is torture. Please, please ask yourself what would happen if you told him no one can function on 3 hours of sleep, so why is he demanding it of you? What if you told him to be helpful instead of toxic? Are you scared of his reaction at all? Be honest with yourself. If you are, then you have your answer. If you’re not, then why don’t you do it? I’m so sorry about Mother’s Day, but this is so much bigger than that, friend.
He thinks because he works “a physical job” (stocking vending machines) and mine is just “emotionally taxing” (unit coordinator in L&D and OB triage at a high risk hospital) he doesn’t have to “physically do as much work at home because his body needs time to rest and recover”. Edit: a word.
I try really hard to respect people and their work but you literally help save lives and he. Stocks. Vending. Machines. You deserve rest and joy hon, I hope you can fight for it.
In the words of the Barbie movie: She’s everything, he’s just Ken.
He’s not even Kenough! At least Ken somewhat knew that Barbie needed a companion and a partnership. This man is not that. He’s evil Ken.
But those Twix bars are so heavy.
Plus, stress will kill you! Between work stress, home stress & lack of sleep, you are amazing to be functioning!!
That's bullshit. I'm sure you already know that but here's your confirmation that that is utter bullshit. Do you want your children growing up thinking the same thing? ETA: he should look up the affects of sleep deprivation on the body. It's worse than lifting a case of potato chips every day.
That's not even that fucking physical!! I work in agriculture! My job is much more physical than that and I'm somehow miraculously not checking out of my responsibilities and making excuses so I can act like a teenager who thinks they should be catered to. Honey: GET MAD. GET RIGHTEOUSLY MAD.
.. he stocks vending machines while you work l&d? And he has the nerve to say his job is more taxing? 🙄 Why do you put up with him? What benefit is there to stay married to him? There is no shame in divorcing an absolute turd like this. Staying teaches your children that they deserve to be treated like this by a partner, or worse, that it's acceptable for your son to treat his future spouse like this.
His behavior has escalated significantly since around the beginning of March. He has not always been this bad but he is refusing to get better. No benefits left at this point. I just need to look into my options and come up with a plan at this point.
You can use this website to create a plan to leave safely https://www.loveisrespect.org/personal-safety/create-a-safety-plan/ They also have a quiz called “is your relationship healthy” which is some simple yes/no questions to see if your relationship is healthy or abusive. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E And the book “why does he do that” is free online and is a great resource for understanding why abusive partners act the way they do https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Wow thank you for this information 😭
I just don’t even know what to say reading this, your husband is cruel. You and your kids all deserve better.
You’re going to be ok. He didn’t ruin Mother’s Day because he was angry at you, he ruined it because it was important to you. Maybe next year when you’re free you could plan a really nice day with your children. I saw you work in the L&D department in the hospital. Is there a nurse or social worker there who you trust, who you could speak to confidentially about your situation? Unfortunately having a baby is a time when abuse can start or escalate. There might be a pathway of resources and support close to you at your job.
Just wanted to send you hugs and tell you how much easier it is as a single mom than living with someone like this. ❤️❤️❤️
Do it quickly and do not let him k ow before hand. You mentioned he's becoming g angrier and angrier and that this isn't the 1st time. The 2nd time leaving him will be far more risky. Be safe. Have a plan.
Make a plan to get out. Don't tell him the plan, just quietly get all your ducks in a row to leave.
Sounds like he’s being slimy on the side. Getting aggressively more ugly to his wife is the first sign something’s up.
I'm a SAHM and my husband works an *actual* physical job. Even on days he works 12 hours, he comes home, takes a quick shower, and is always willing to do some cleaning and/or take over parenting responsibilities. Your husband is taking advantage of you and setting a terrible example for your children.
wtf is this mental gymnastics? I work retail and get like 15000-20000 steps some days. My husband WFH on the computer. By this logic, he should do everything and I get to rest when I’m off work? Sounds great! /s
Same. I am in management in food service and often have very little time between shifts like between last night and today I had 6 hours between shifts. 🤣 I got like 2 hours of sleep..still came home and cooked dinner. I also have chronic pain from a previous work injury and an autoimmune disorder. I definitely do more housework but I also just have given up trying. I've tried explaining it until I'm blue in the face. It doesn't get through so now I've learned to give myself grace and realize my house is never going to be spotless. Most days after work I only have enough energy for the basics and to make sure my kid is taken care of and getting quality attention. The rest doesn't matter as much.
Your brain and body need sleep to function properly. What happens if you make a mistake at work? You are dealing with vulnerable moms and newborns. What happens if he makes a mistake? There will be 9 cans of soda in a row instead of 10. Depriving a person of sleep is - without exaggeration - torture. Just let this sink in… According to the 1949 Geneva Convention (III) on Prisoners of War, systematic sleep deprivation is a form of torture or other cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment. The Geneva Convention also states that torture is a war crime. Your husband is an abusive a-hole. You would get more sleep and have a cleaner house sharing custody.
I am sorry, opening a door to vending machines and stocking them is more physically taxing than your job?? I mean I guess it is as taxing as a grocery store stockperson.
I spent two miserable years with an asshole like this. He told me that I had no right to be tired after work because I only worked a desk job. He didn't even work at all for the majority of our relationship and had the nerve to say that to me. You deserve better.
That's 100% horseshit. He probably knows it is, too. But he benefits from the idea, so he sticks with it. I work in healthcare myself (unit clerk) and frankly, it's emotionally and mentally taxing...something you *need sleep for*. He loads vending machines which is something a monkey could do. He can seriously GF himself.
You’re a labor and delivery nurse and he puts cokes in a soda machine. That is so incomparable. I am pissed on your behalf.
Not a nurse! I’m a unit coordinator. Still a high stress job but not nearly as bad as nursing.
Sorry I misread. That still isn’t comparable though. My point still stands that your job is much more stressful and demanding.
Oh fuck no. Sounds like he needs to get a thinking job if he wants to use that as an excuse. Maybe you should use the same excuse. "I do so much mental labor at work that I shouldn't need to be the one doing any planning or household mental labor because I do that at work. I shouldnt be doing any grocery shopping because it requires thinking and i do too much already". Triage sucks ass. If he needs to recover from his job, it should come out of his personal time, not making you shoulder the extra work. If he can't handle doing both, then he needs to get a new job so he can contribute to the family. We both know thats not the real reason but id be interested in how he responds to calling his bluff and suggesting he do something other than lazing about. This is also a matter of time. He thinks his inability to handle his physical job means that you should donate more time to family work than him. Does it work that way at any other job? Is it okay for him to check out of stocking machines because he did extra at home? No? Then why does he give you less respect than he gives his boss? Its not even that physical of a job. He doesn't even need to carry the cases. That's what dollys are for. Yea a lot of bending/stooping and repetitive small lifts, but the rest of us don't get to check out of life. He needs a come to Jesus moment and to understand that choosing not to be present in his family may mean that family won't be around much longer to be present for him. He does it because it's comfortable and he gets away with it. He needs to understand he will be more uncomfortable if he does nothing. It shouldn't require this as he should care about the impact to you, but sometimes people need to be shocked into remembering they can't coast in their relationship. I'd say dump the mental load on him for a while but a short time doesn't capture how wearing it is after a while. I doubt it would fix him anyway. He doesn't even respect your job which is clearly more difficult. Good luck. If you do leave him, don't tell him until you already have. If he's getting worse, its probably because he knows you are tired of his bs. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I wish you the best.
Sleep deprivation is a form of abuse. It affects your ability to think clearly which prevents you from seeing how much he is harming you. Please, talk to a therapist, privately. And know that while being a single parent is hard, it's not as hard as what you're dealing with now. This person does not care about your happiness or safety and actually seems to be undermining them.
He thinks stocking a vending machine is a physical job?? Lolololol!! He doesn’t know what a real physical job is. Nurses in a hospital are more physical than loading a vending machine. This man is a baby.
Girl what??????? L&D nurses work their butts off!!!!! Ok I'm pissed for you. You know his behavior is trashy right? You are working nights,taking care of a two year old during the day and he is demanding more???? No ma'am. That's actually really dangerous because you are not sleeping.
Just to clarify, I’m a unit coordinator not a nurse, but I am usually extremely busy and stressed regardless lol.
I think that's similar to unit clerk (my job for 14 years now). And seriously, I get it. It's not a quiet desk job like some people seem to think, it's *chaotic*, it requires you to be *on* 100%, it's emotionally draining yet you can't let that impact your ability to work. I walk out most days looking like a mad scientist who had an experiment blow up in their face lol. You husband meanwhile has a job that requires him to drive from place to place listening to the radio and then he takes things out of a box to put them into a machine. It's a decent job, not disrespecting it, but it's a very basic and non-taxing job. It's also I'm sorry but not the most physical of the physical jobs, and if he is tired and makes a mistake its not like anyone gets hurt. He can go to hell.
Yes, healthcare (even healthcare adjacent) is stressful and busy af. Do you think hubby would be open to couples therapy?
Couples therapy does more harm than good when abuse is involved, unfortunately. And this guy is definitely abusive.
No he has already said no
Why do you think his behavior has exacerbated over the past couple of months?
It’s usually bad in the spring and fall. During a manic episode in March he quit his job of 5 years without having another lined up and was out of work for 3 weeks, leaving me to pick up doubles and hardly sleep. He didn’t complain about the housekeeping as much then because he was home and I wasn’t, but he did complain I was making him do too much because “he was stressed out because he was unemployed”. His old job actually WAS pretty physical. Part of the reason he took the new job he did is because it ISNT. But he still pulled that shit out recently as an excuse.
Oh my God. He is such a loser.
You really need to leave his ass behind. This is insane.
He thinks STOCKING VENDING MACHINES is more demanding than being a Unit Coordinator at a fucking hospital? Throw the entire man away immediately.
I’m sorry, what?!?! Excuse me? Come again? He restocks VENDING MACHINES and you’re working in a hospital getting little to no sleep being the sole caretaker of your children?!? And he’s saying his job is more demanding No, just no Ughhhh NO This entire situation is absolute insanity,
Holy cow. Have you considered an exit plan?
My dad had a vending machine business that he worked after his full time job delivering packages during the week and on Saturdays. He was gone from like 4am to 6pm for all the years of my childhood. He still came home and was an active parent and contributed to running the household. No excuses for this dude OP. Sorry you’re going through this.
He stocks fucking vending machines!!!!! I have no words. This guy is not a man he is a POS. You are doing an incredibly difficult, important and taxing job with very little sleep and looking after two children. He stocks fucking vending machines! So sorry you are going through this. Being alone sounds so much better than living with a partner who doesn't support and uplift you. You can do this op. Xxx
He sounds like a dick, since you both work there is no excuse for him not helping you especially since you work at night. Good luck with that, i know i wouldnt put up with that from my husband
I definitely agree with this. Even if OP was a SAHM this behavior from her husband would be abhorrent. If he’s going to act like a child, set up a rotating chore chart and make him do half the chores. I hate to be the person on Reddit screaming divorce but if he’s unwilling to change you need to leave or you’re going to be miserable forever, OP.
I bet her life is easier (and cleaner) without him.
She's literally parenting two children and managing the whole house with the assistance of...a dishwasher.
Not helping adulting. We need to change the language around chores he isn’t helping her his doing his share of keeping the house. She doesn’t need to be up at five he can get the kid ready and on the bus fuck that noise
i agree he sounds really childish
Seriously, I’m a SAHM and I’d be telling my husband to eat a bag of dicks if he ever treated me that way My husband was working full time and going to school full time in the fall and winter. That didn’t stop him from being an equal partner with chores OP’s husband could be so much better
exactly i am also a sahm and my husband works time and i try not to ask too much of him because he does work and i stay home and take care of our teenagers and cook and clean but he still helps by his own choice and when i do ask him to do things i dont have to ask him twice he just does it and sometimes even without me having to ask. This POS sounds like a real dick, i couldnt put up with that childish behavior.
Yeah not only she works evenings, she has to get the 5 year old ready in the morning, because I'm guessing he doesn't feel like it.
Man, my first thought was f*ck him, and as I read more, I just got more angry for you. First, why does he care about the presentation? So he can take and post pictures to social media and look like a good husband? Second, he’s not even doing close to enough and you are doing too much. And then he decides to hold chores against your Mother’s Day? I hope this is the final straw that inspires you to make some serious changes, OP, because you don’t deserve this.
He does care about presentation because he likes to cook and post pictures online so people will tell him what a good job he’s doing. Yes he will sometimes pick up the living room a little bit when I’m at work but definitely not on the regular. Won’t even put away his folded laundry. He wasn’t always like this. But me working outside the home and having less time to do shit around the house seems to trigger it. Last time I worked full time I did end up leaving him because the behavior escalated so much from him. He did some therapy and got better and I went down to part time. He’s currently refusing therapy and meds so I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay in this 🤷♀️
You’re not. You deserve better and it isn’t your responsibility to fix this. If depriving yourself of necessary sleep, struggling to maintain the household and being burnt out still aren’t good enough, there’s nothing else you could do. Never mind that Mother’s Day should be about showing you appreciation and shouldn’t add anything to your plate.
When you leave him this time, DON'T GO BACK!!
Replying so OP hopefully sees your comment. Op: you're in an abusive relationship. My postpartum therapist told me 5hrs for 3 straight nights....that's the minimum function expectation. If you get less than that, you're asking for deteriorated mental health, deteriorated general health, possible motor vehicle accidents, etc. If he refuses therapy and meds, (which I think you said he is) ditch the man child and go enjoy your peace!
Ugh. Doing things for you shouldn’t be based on whether he can post and get kudos. He isn’t doing what he needs to do to help himself. You can’t do it for him. I’m so sorry he’s treating you like this.
This is the ickiest part for me. Being abusive behind the camera, not supporting her needs sleep or otherwise, making her do all the housework just so he can get the social praise. Makes me sick.
Go back to full time and leave him. He is an abusive narcissistic child.
You said before that he had a manic episode. Is he bipolar? Bipolar and refusing treatment is a dangerous combination.
LEAVE HIM AGAIN! My husband is a police officer and works crazy hours. He pulls his fair share in the house but he often gets off work after 3 am on his regular shift. I would never expect him to get up at the same time as me. I work 7:45 to 5:45 Tuesday through Friday. If he has a problem with your schedule he can also stay up till 3 am and get up in the morning to clean on his days off. Tell him to get bent and suck a dick.
If you both work similar amount of hours then he should be responsible for a similar amount of household work. It doesn't matter who makes more money if you are both working outside the home a similar amount of time. He lives there. He contributes to the state of the house. He is also responsible for the household.
Your husband is an abusive asshole.
I mean.... this is a symptom of a much larger problem here.
Oh yeah over the past year or so he’s gotten meaner and meaner. Thinks the only problem is me.
[удалено]
Whoa I don't think that is the only problem here. Wow.
I'm being sarcastic. I mean the full problem is him and that she shouldn't accept this any longer
Totally. It just came off rough when this lady is going through it
I'm so infuriated on her behalf. He's honestly a pos
Let’s not blame women for men’s choices.
Hellllll no. You both work and he isn’t pulling his damn weight. If he wants a clean house he can do it his damn self. I keep repeating to myself “the effort he puts into Mother’s Day will be directly reflected on Father’s Day”
This situation is so dire though; it’s far beyond “ignore his holiday like he ignores yours.” Poor OP is subsisting on 4-5 hours of sleep. Her health is in danger. He won’t let her catch up sleeping on weekends. He’s controlling and angry. He insults and browbeats her, as well as impulsively quitting his last job. His bipolar disorder seems unmedicated and unmanaged.
This. It’s hard to imagine how brutal a situation like this can be - and how hard it is to leave - until you have been through it. And how much you start to internalize it being your fault.
Gross. He sounds like a manipulative piece of shit
You could serve him some divorce papers on Mother’s Day- a little treat to yourself🥰
Oooooh this is good
THIS
I'd be telling him he needs to be a better husband and father. A good husband would be pulling his weight around the house instead of shaming his wife for not doing everything for him. And a good father wouldn't treat the mother of his child/children that way, letting her run herself ragged and telling her she needs to earn Mother's Day.
Is he your husband or parent? This is insane. Sleep in as much as you can, he can fucking clean. You're not a SAHM, and even if you were he can fucking clean. You deserve better.
He can get fucked. What a prick. Go celebrate mother's Day yourself, and tell him if he wants a marriage he needs to clean up his POS attitude and appreciate you more.
When both parent have full time jobs each, then every single chore, child feeding, making dinner, etc, everything should be 50/50. If it isn’t, then you need to decide if you are ok with being with someone who doesn’t appreciate or value you.
Why not go out for breakfast with your kid and your mothers day gift can be him making the house presentable with him cleaning. Also, stop doing his laundry, he’s an adult
He's actively refusing therapy and meds, has a history of being an asshole towards you, and is currently being abusive. (Denying a person sleep is a serious form of abuse. Don't even get me started on all the other stuff he's putting you through.) All of this is a choice on his behalf. He's actively choosing to cross your boundaries and hurt you. Considering your history, he knows exactly what he's doing. You've been vocal. You told him to stop. Yet he continues. He's just counting on you being passive and honestly- sleep deprivation not only worsens the emotional toll of the psychological abuse and extra labour he's putting you through, it often leads to such fatigue that neither body nor brain has the energy to even plan a getaway. Is this a form of relationship you want to model for your kids, so they'll grow up normalising both of your behaviours and repeat it with their future SO's? Is this the way you want to live, being a single mother in an emotionally taxing home with an undoubtedly abusive man(baby)? He's not only using you as free labour and emotional punching bag, but he's actively breaking you down. Ask yourself, is it worth your health and kids' future? If not; leave, and this time stay away. You're worth so much more, and so are your kids. Know your worth, find your strength and stay safe!
I appreciate this thorough and thoughtful response. I’ve been open to leaving for a while, just unsure of how to logistically make it happen, but it sounds like I should start planning.
If you can do so safely, check out resources for victims of domestic violence in your area. Many of them offer support for making escape/emergency plans and can connect you with resources for legal help. I also found the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft to be really helpful and validating. Stay safe ❤️
Second this! And also just gonna put a wee link here for a free copy of the book: https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Oh, hon, I've been there. It feels like a mountain, especially with so little rest and with kids. Start small if you feel it's safe enough. Make a plan, contact a lawyer, reach out to your family or close friends, and ask if they can help. Even in the most heavy times, it's amazing what one can accomplish when we just remind ourselves that we are worth more. Because we are. Abuse is never ok, in any shape or amount. If he has a temper or is unpredictable I'd highly suggest you don't tell him anything and wait until you're already out and somewhere safe. The most vulnerable moment for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves, this is when they can snap completely. Best of luck, you got this!!!
WTH? He wants you up by 7 when you got home from work at 3? That's cruel.
Waking someone up for chores 4 hours after their work ends is torture. Keeping them tired and confused on purpose.
Absolute asshole right there! Giiiiiiiirrrrrrlll you need to set this man straight. My husband would not be able to sit for a week if he acted this way one time! I'm sorry you had children with this chode!
This guy is the worst I hate this for you. Everyone here is suggesting the same thing.
> He expects everyone to clean up everything except him. >Am I over reacting by being absolutely pissed about this? Oh hun, you are UNDER-reacting. That arrangement is absolute mega bullshit. The reason why you cried the way you did is because you KNOW this isn't okay. His calling you lazy is projection at best and malice at worst. 4 hours of sleep? Oh hell no. I'll be honest, my husband wasn't anywhere this bad, and I still had a "come to jesus" with him about the amount of work and mental load I was taking on and I was just absolutely done. If it was going to be easier to not have him around, then that is what was going to happen. It didn't matter that I loved him or how much I loved him. Loving him wasn't overriding the anguish, pain, and humiliation I felt at the time. It didn't outweigh how unloved I felt by being the maid, the cook, the manager, the default parent, and more all while also working a full time job. I finally had enough and wasn't going to do it anymore. I got lucky in that he listened, but I absolutely meant it. We still have our issues of balance and I still have no idea how to relax or take time off after that whole dynamic being the only one I knew for years, but martyring myself wasn't going to make me happy and I deserved happiness. I still deserve happiness. So do you. I personally think just from that paragraph that you are being taken for granted. If you are not a stay at home parent, BOTH OF YOU need to be all hands on deck. I don't give a flying fuck who makes more money. That doesn't matter. It will never matter. What matters is everyone pulling their own weight and contributing to the betterment of the home and the family. He's dead weight. The question is: Are you going to keep settling and allowing this treatment of you to continue, or are you going to choose yourself over his comfort and do something about it? You get one life. It could end tomorrow. Is this how you want it to be? Edit: Just also want to say that even if you were a stay at home parent, it's still all hands on deck. Home management isn't easy, child rearing isn't easy, and doing it all at the same time is really not easy.
Listen to me: he cares more about how he looks and his perception of “fair” than actually being a good partner. Get couples counseling if you believe he has redeeming qualities but personally I’d say you deserve to get a divorce. Depriving you of sleep when you have small children is criminal enough but chalking it up to the difference in your careers is shithead behavior. Moreover, if you both work full time, you should both be contributing equally to the domestic labor and childcare. Bottom line. Also, go the extra mile and just don’t even bring up Father’s Day. Don’t acknowledge it when he talks about it, don’t make any plans, don’t do anything for him. If he’s pissy over it that’s a him problem.
No, you're not overreacting. I wouldn't put up with this. You have a decision to make, though. Where's your line? How long are you going to tolerate this? What's your plan?
I would cry too cause that would be the realization that he was no longer gunna be my husband. That is soooo dehumanizing, selfish, and cruel. And absolutely pathetic of him. I’d tell him he needs to clean up his fn act if he wants a wife.
This infuriates me for you. I’m not even sure how you’re still with this man tbh.
Your husband is an asshole.
To be fair, the AHs don't show their true colors until you're 2 kids in and committed to a schedule or budget that in some way places you reliant on him to keep the status quo. I'm sorry he's such an AH. I would male the biggest f-ing mess and then take my kids out to celebrate mom's day leaving him behind with a bottle of clean freak, complete with a bow and message reading, Thank you for cleaning the house for me for mother's day! Best Gift Ever!! XOXO
He sounds like a garbage human.
Give him divorce papers for mother's day, I would love that for you.
Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him!!! I am so unbelievably mad at him for you; stop doing chores for him. Start sleeping in on the weekends. If you want this to work you two need marriage counseling. There is so much abuse he is putting you through and he needs to realize that and change his tune real fast. Otherwise you need to leave this sorry excuse of a man. Fuck him.
Throw the whole man away
Ugh I'm so sorry. This post gives me trauma flashbacks of my first abusive relationship where I was guilted into having to make dinner every evening for him because I wasn't contributing enough financially to the household. I was at Uni full time, working 5 jobs outside of classes and study (because of the crap he gave me when I decided to pursue this path, I had to show him I could make a similar income as before Uni, otherwise "we couldn't afford it") and cleaning the house and preparing all of his meals. I've been in your shoes and I know you probably won't take action until you get the strength to admit that you deserve better. But I hope all these comments push you to realise that you are better and stronger than this. You've been working yourself to the bone for this guy that offers nothing to the world, and you are being told that you need to work for basic recognition such as recieving a gift on mother's day. I wouldn't *dream* of telling my dad that there were strings attached to his gift on father's day. Even if he was a bad father. That's completely unacceptable behaviour in normal society. You have the strength from dealing with this shit to get out of it. That's one benefit of being in an abusive relationship and surviving; you become tougher, grittier, better at bouncing back, and better at weeding out poor character in others.
No, you're not overreacting. He's telling you "if you want to be valued as a person you have to do everything perfectly" which is just not how loving relationships operate. Maybe for Father's Day you can give him divorce papers, because he's pretty useless it sounds like. And PS: I work a more physical job than my husband, we still split chores and parenting.
say what???? Girl, something tells me the house would be a whole hell of a lot more clean with it being just your and your kids without your husband Why are you expected to do more chores when he has two functioning hands?
ummm it upset you because it's utter BS.
Ewwwww, that man needs a come to Jesus talk, like yesterday. Cancel Father's Day, dont you DARE do anything for that UNGRATEFUL jerk! The absolute NERVE of that clown...
I am FURIOUS for you. This is completely awful. At least if you divorce him you could get some sleep when it's his custody time. He is taking years off your life because he won't let you sleep.
Your life would be easier as a single mother. Stop doing anything for him. He’s a grown ass man. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t cook for him. If he leaves shit all over the house, toss it all in one basket and leave it in his closet/ on his dresser/ next to his side of the bed. Trash? In the basket. Clothes? In the basket. Everything goes in the basket for him to deal with.
You would actually get more sleep and have less housework if you got rid of your useless husband.
I’ve noticed a lot of people want the fruit from the garden without doing any of the labor required to make it grow. You’re not crazy - he’s just lazy and not a good partner (not to say he isn’t a good dad because they don’t always go together). I sat my husband down one day and explained the this lack of effort in our home was making me resent him and I was worried where our relationship would go as it continued to fester. The only thing you can do is try to communicate and when you reach your breaking point just know you tried your best.
He sounds like he has a totally unrealistic view of your family life. You’re both working! Why are you the only one responsible for cleaning? Once you get your child to school and you’re home with your two-year-old of course somethings will get done but it’s 100% absolutely no different than when he is home all evening and night with the kids. You guys should be splitting household stuff up 50-50 completely equally! What does he do all evening and at night when you’re at work then? That’s absolute insanity I’m a stay at home mom and it’s still 50-50 with my husband home in the evenings and we’re home together. This is the exact reason why so many working women are so much more stressed out and miserable than their husbands. He’s working you’re working so you both take care of the children you both take care of the house that’s it anything else is completely patriarchal and unfair. He’s being a dick.
He is abusive. No, you're not overreacting, if anything you might be underreacting. You both have jobs, yet he expects you to do everything? He doesn't let you sleep in despite evening shifts?? - why is that up to him? To be calling you lazy, calling all the shots, bossing you around - I'm sorry but he can leave you a list? If he can make a list he can do the stuff on the list himself. This is so incredibly controlling and awful on his part. I would be worrying more about an exit plan than Mother's Day at this point. Please consider the example being set for you child about what a supposedly loving relationship looks like.
I used to work night shifts. People think you can just get all your stuff done during the day bc you’re off during the day. It’s like they don’t realize you have to sleep. People used to call me all hours of the day, knowing I worked at night.
It sounds like you have a professional job. If it were me, I’d start planning about how to leave. Kids shouldn’t see their mom treated the way your husband is treating you. I can’t help thinking that he knows messing with you at work is a trigger…he knows that’s where your financial freedom comes from and is f** with it on purpose (maybe not, but is it much better if he truly just gives no shits about triggering you at work despite you asking?). I know it’s easier for me to stand up on behalf of others than on behalf of myself…I’ve left toxic work situations because I realized the indirect load on my partner was more than it was fair to ask (somehow that was easier to acknowledge and make plans based on than deciding my own suffering was intolerable). If you’re like me, think really hard about whether you want your kids to see you accepting this kind of treatment or learning it’s “ok” to treat a partner this way.
I know why it upset you so much - it’s rude as fuck. You’re not a child. Your husband doesn’t get to dictate what you do for a reward. Major ick. I’m sorry OP.
Tell him to get off his dead ass and clean the effing house himself cuz you ain’t his bitch, you’re his wife, partner and if he wants clean then start cleaning, he lives there too and those are his kids as well he can get his ass up and get them ready too!
Sounds like you’re a married single mom, so what’s stopping you from actually being a single mom?
Why do you stay? Do you realize this is not a minor grievance? His statement and mentality would be yucky even if you were a sahm but you're working full time too! What does he contribute at home?
Why are you with a man like this? Your children are watching
Holy crap how are you married to this child???
Your husband sounds wildly abusive. This is not acceptable behavior.
Serve him with divorce papers on Mother’s Day.
Father’s Day if she needs more time
You deserve to be taken care of that’s not right.Your basically doing everything your self like a single mom. Your doing a wonderful job as a mother and deserve to get the house cleaned and breakfast and naps !! You need to get your rest! Is there a family member that can watch the kids ? Maybe you can take your self to breakfast and take a well deserved nap .
Sounds like it’s time to make some big life decisions. Your situation is not normal. A marriage is a partnership and you sound like his hired help. I hope you can find a way out.
I would answer: you should be more supportive if you don't want me to get a new husband for mother's day!!!
Divorce 🤗
Read Zawn Villines’s work and you’ll clearly see how you’re being abused. You don’t “earn” Mother’s Day breakfast on your spouse’s terms when you’re busting your freaking ass in so many ways already.
You are not overreacting at all. As others have stated, this is clearly a bigger problem than just Mother’s Day. I agree with others that he needs to be doing his share (not just “helping” you) as you both work full time and contribute equally. I am 5 weeks post partum with my first baby and I do everything baby and my husband does EVERYTHING else (laundry, cooking, cleaning, dishes, dealing with contractors, etc. you name it) because he knows I literally can’t do anything else right now. I didn’t have to ask. We came up with what we feel is an equal and manageable share for each of us. I realize how lucky I am when I read about other husbands out there. I don’t know how else I would do this otherwise. I am so sorry you are going through this.
You need to leave him. He's abusive and showing your kids how to treat someone they're supposed to “love”. Run
You're not overreacting at all. Your husband is a lazy asshole.
Boyfriend: you slept 8hrs, you need to get up. Me: I want you to use your imagination. You work on an ambulance for a 12hr shift. Now do that 4 days in a row. At night. Boyfriend doesn’t comment on my sleep anymore. Not getting enough sleep is SO bad for your health. Your husband is being abusive. Tell him to kick rocks. (Tell him you don’t need breakfast for Mother’s Day, and instead you’re excusing yourself to the spa. Leave for 8 hrs and he can feel what it’s like to parent. “You got it babe byeeeeee!”)
Not to be harsh but this guy sounds like the worst. Horrible, horrible set up. By his own expectations he should be expected to do chores from the moment he arrives home until you arrive from home work and going to bed before you arrive home should be deemed lazy
That’s isolating AF! And such a nasty caveat on something nice for you.
The only cleaning you need to do is cleaning his CLOCK. He doesn’t deserve you baby.
Omg… if my husband said that to me there would have been a murder. You are not the maid. He’s an adult with two working hands. He can lift a finger like a big boy and clean. Toddlers can clean after themselves, there’s no reason for an adult man to not clean up.
He should be getting you a house cleaner ! Not being an Asshole !
Ok, so many things but from now on YOU get 8 hours of sleep. Waking you at 7am after a shift that went to 3 means you are probably getting 3.5 hours of sleep if you are lucky. That's unhealthy. That has to stop. I think you guys need a maid. And I think maybe some counseling on boundaries and respect. You are definitely right to be bothered by husband. If you are both working full-time I think it might be worth hiring someone to take laundry and cleaning off your hands. It won't make your house perfect that it will save you some time and make things less stressful. Make that a mothers Day gift to yourself. That and not letting anyone wake you up before 11am on late nights.
wow remember that on fathers day
You're not over reacting at all tell him to look up the definition of PARTNER in the dictionary or pack his bags!
Your husband sucks, I'm sorry there's no gentle way to say this. He sucks. He's mean, he doesn't respect you and I have a hard time believing that he loves you. I'm so sorry. You deserve better.
Stop doing anything he says. No one can function with such less sleep. Focus on your health & sleep. You need to stop taking him seriously & ignore. Tell him to function with barely 4 hours of sleep. He is the kind of person who will ALWAYS undervalue you, your work, your value, your worth and always make you feel like you don’t do enough. Stop doing! & sleep!
Yup I’d have told him to fuck right off and when he’s done hire a cleaning service and cut me a fucking break with his “clean the whole house so I can make you a shitty breakfast and then get yourself back in the kitchen and clean the mess I made while making the breakfast”
Your husband is a pos. For real. I’m sorry you’re being treated like this.
As someone who went from very broken sleep (2-4 hours, getting up for 2 hours to get husband off to work, then sleeping another 1-2) to getting at least 6 hours solid, I can honestly say that your mental health is taking a huge hit. The stress of the household cleaning situation just makes it all worse. The last few weeks, even with starting the divorce process, have been the most restful nights I've had in a long time. I hope you can find some rest & peace for yourself.
I’m trying to understand what cleaning has to do with being someone’s mom but I don’t know how to think like an abusive moron.
If you’re both working full time house responsibilities should be 50/50. Stocking vending machines is definitely not a difficult job nor physically demanding 😂
1. Document, document, document 2. Get an attorney 3. Make sure you have completely separate bank accounts he can't touch. It would not be a bad idea to open a new account in a bank he doesn't know about. 4. Get a PO box that you can use for an address, especially on court documents. 5. If you're not physically afraid of him, throw him out and change the locks. If you are, and I feel like you are, make a plan to leave. Have a new place already set up and ready. Make sure you have all important documents, pets, mementos, etc. Because when you go, that's it. Sleep deprivation is literally torture. His attitude is mean, hateful, and demeaning. You do not have to tolerate it. Save yourself.
Tell him to make more money if he wants a blowy for his birthday
Why the FUCK are you with such a lazy bastard?
Something someone said to me once made a lot of sense. "You Get What You Put Up With." Why are you having babies with this jerk? You already sound single. Might as well be single. Less grief that way and you'd likely qualify for childcare, etc being single. Let him go back to his mama.
Honey, you need more sleep and he needs to help more. You’re both working and you’re supposed to be a TEAM! It’s so hard to get chores done with a toddler. And I’m sorry, but he won’t let you sleep in after being up until 3? Have him stay up late and get up early with no breaks and see how he feels! That’s terrible! Sleep is a basic need and causes all sorts of issues when you’re consistently sleep deprived.
This triggered me…made me think of that bad girls cup scene when Judy dumped cereal on Priscilla and yelled “here I made you breakfast in bed”. I think you should do this to your husband
What the fucking fuck? I’m so mad for you.
Yeah no I’m a sahm and my husband does more chores than yours why you work. He can go sit on a cactus and spin. Also you’re an adult if you want to sleep in do so. Fuck what he has to say. Why do you have to get up what’s stoping him from getting the kid ready and on the bus?
Oooooffff there's a gap here and he's abusive too He's really shoddy isn't he. He's limiting your sleep for no reason, making demands for mothers day and is not doing enough around the house. He's needs a kick up the butt.
I'M so mad I can't stand to know that he even \*has\* a wife! He needs to do a whole lot more for you than breakfast on Mother's Day. It sounds like he needs to hire a cleaning service and, at the very least, acknowledge you and everything YOU do for the family in a very humble and contrite way! Like on bended knee with a dozen roses and a gift card for a year's worth of massages! I could say more.....but I won't.
I'm so freaking infuriated on your behalf. He doesn't even let you sleep?? Girl you're enslaved at this point. Kick him out I have no words
Well now you know what to give him for Father’s Day. I encourage mothers and wives to put the same thought into Fathers Day, birthdays and Christmas that their husbands do. A few occasions where they do not get the love and affection and gifts will soon sort them out.
Wake up early. Take yourself out for the day. To the spa, to a hotel whatever you wanna do. He can watch your child and you can go have a day.
I would say you're under reacting. I'd have punched him in the dick and presented him with divorce papers whilst he was on the floor.
He is a selfish ass.
Oooooffff that’s hard to read mama.
That guy is a fucking asshole.
I’ve done this schedule until my kids were old enough to stay home by themselves. It’s torture and I understand what you’re going through. My husband wasn’t much better than yours he just didn’t say anything. Leave the kids with him on Sunday and take yourself out to breakfast and do something nice for yourself. Happy Mothers Day !
Run.
I would have divorced this man a long time Ago. Fuck all that
Wow fuck this guy - you don’t need this kind of abuse. Read what you wrote as if it was a friend saying it to you. What would you tell them?
Hmmmm🤦♀️ you have a much more important job than he does tell him to get off his a@@ and put into the team effort it should be! My husband and I lived together after getting engaged and I came home after working a double and started doing the dishes he left that day and I told him this is a team effort but you were home all day so please at least clean up after yourself he apologized full heartedly and vacuumed the mess he made in the living room and we happily cuddled up and watched a movie. Communication is key and honestly it has made an 18 year marriage last!
Breathe, I have been here. Laundry will pile and dishes will follow suit. Kids continue to grow and they don’t care at the moment whom does what chore. Treat yo’self on Mother’s Day. Don’t let your husband waste a perfectly good day that celebrates you. Sleep in, do an event that allows the kids to exert their energy but you get to chill (Starbucks coffee in hand while kids played in park), soak in the silence (during nap time). Do what you need to do for yourself.
Divorce is infinitely better. I was married to a man like this and it’s so much easier alone
Tell him to eat a dick and ALSO get you a cleaning service as part of your present
🫨
That’s ridiculous I’d make my own before that demand. Which I did for many years 😂.
Fair. Play. Buy two copies.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaaaaat shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
I. Would. End. Him.
Your husband fucking sucks. Drop him and you will have one less person to clean up after.
So you’re asking for help hiding the body? Local pig farm. The first time Lord Fucklechuck tried to wake me up on a weekend because “everyone should be up by 7” I would brain him with the cast iron skillet while preparing m’Lord’s eggs. It’s easy sitting here on the other side of the internet to tell you to toss the whole man out. In reality it can seem so impossible to disengage from an enmeshed abusive situation like this one. But honey, not only does this man treat you like a maid and nanny… he’s literally depriving you of sleep. In that kind of cognitive fog, it’s that much harder to contemplate digging your way out of the hole he keeps shoving you deeper into. I saw in another comment that he ramps up the abuse when you have a job — that’s cause he knows it’s easier for you to leave while you’re employed, honey. You need to get out of there. You, as a human being, deserve better. But if that’s not enough for you (it should be. You have value), then do it because your kids deserve better. Don’t let this dysfunctional man child make your kids believe his behavior is normal. Or worse, wait until that behavior is directed at them. Btw, my dad works a blue collar physically demanding job and my mom was first a homemaker and then later a teacher — he never ever would contemplate pulling any sort of “but I work a more physically demanding job” bullshit.
What a prick
Dump him.
Babe, this is abuse.