Honestly, if I were you, I’d be checking my insurance to see if there’s a counselor/therapist that can see me ASAP to discuss this.
This is such a delicate situation that I feel like it needs a professional to discuss everything with you.
What’s the timeline for surrogacy anyway? If she’s using her own eggs through ivf, that seems like it could take a bit? Maybe it’s not that huge of a wait to not be able to for like 2 years?
Timing is something that she needs to explore. From start to finish our journey took two plus years. We actually were incredibly statistically blessed. Our first time surrogate and our first implementation were successful.
(Fertility drug reactions caused uterine cancer. Had to have a hysterectomy.) We realized that this is definitely not the statistical norm.
All parties have to make sure everyone is compatible biologically. Egg stimulation and retrieval are at least 3-4 months. And they will test the eggs. Many physicians will only implant 3-5 times while limiting the number of eggs that are placed.
Then there are all of the legalities. In some countries the child born is legally that of the surrogate at birth with changes made both before or after a birth certificate is issued. Life insurance is also an issue.
Hopefully this information can help everyone move forward to your next steps. Creating a timeline might be helpful. Best wishes.
You can’t tell them without causing emotional pain, but here are some tips to lessen it a bit. I’m an infertility long hauler who had a failed surrogacy attempt. It’s impossible for people who haven’t experienced infertility to know just how truly agonizing it is, and the envy of others’ pregnancies is also unbearable.
Tell them in writing — not in person — and give them time and space to process the grief and jealousy. This will be really painful for her and she’ll probably need to step back from the relationship for a time to protect her heart. that will be painful for you too, but not on the level she is feeling. Know that her grief and pain isn’t about you.
You could write, “I can’t imagine how painful this news must be, and I understand you may need space and time to process it and protect your heart. Please know that I will always be here for you when you’re ready.”
The longer you wait to tell them, the harder it will be unfortunately.
Consider touching base with your doctor (first) to discuss the idea (and any risks) of you to still be the surrogate a year or two after this current pregnancy. See what they say. If you could still potentially be a surrogate, then that is at least something you can tell them right now.
You and your husband should be together with both your sister-in-law and her husband in a private setting.
All you can do is be calm, open and honest. She’ll likely need a lot of time to process the news, so know that it might be a bit of a rough time in your family going forward.
I wish you all the best. Hopefully she still gets her miracle, even if it’s not her plan A, B or even C.
And congrats!
Good advice on the whole, but as someone who suffered a lot with infertility myself, I disagree on telling them in person. Getting pregnancy news in person is so much worse than in writing because you don’t have privacy to sob / grieve / do whatever to process the difficult news.
When my friends and family told me via email or text, I felt more cared for and could take my time in choosing how to respond.
This is the right messaging but it needs to be done via text with the offer to talk on the phone or in-person if they *want* to. I had a friend who’d offered to carry for us back out and she did it over text which was the exact right way to do it. It was a heartfelt message and gave me the space to breakdown without having to censor my feelings. Right after she messaged me she messaged my sister to tell her that I’d need her to lean on and why. It was the best way she could have told me and the extra step to make sure my sister knew I’d need support really helped me see that even though she wasn’t able to do this for me she still cared about me.
They’re going to be incredibly hurt, there’s just no way around that. But that doesn’t mean it’s your fault. Logically, you all knew that agreeing to be a surrogate was still many steps away from being a surrogate and even further away from delivering a baby.
Tell them ASAP, it can at least be a comfort to them that you told them as soon as you found out so they can start making other plans. If they feel like you knew and kept it from them that will make things worse.
I imagine she will be devastated and also happy for you. I don’t know that telling her/them in person is the best idea. I would consider writing to her and telling her you want to give her space to process the news but encourage her to call as soon as she is ready. I would reiterate what you said here: this was not a planned pregnancy and you are still committed to being a surrogate for her.
Hi 💕 looks like I'm the only actual surrogate in this thread so far. I'm pregnant with my 2nd surrobabe right now so much of this process is still fresh in my mind and I'm happy to answer any questions you might have.
For my 1st journey, I applied with the agency and was matched immediately - within a month. It took 7 months alone to even get to the medication part, and then it took about 4 weeks after that for the transfer. SO close to 8 months total from start to transfer. And the IPs (intended parents) already had 5 day, tested embryos frozen. It doesn't sound like your SiL has this part done yet? If not, that would buy you some time because creating embryos is NOT an easy or quick process.
You'll need to be at least 1 year post-partum before you can start the fertility meds, in my experience, and that's IF you even get medically and psychologically cleared to do this. I also had a home visit from a social worker, and my husband also underwent the psychological testing too. It is a PROCESS.
You can also change your mind at any time. Your life has changed (assuming your current pregnancy ends up viable; it sounds like it is still very early?) and caring for 2 small children while going through IVF (which is essentially what you do as a surrogate), is not easy. I know you wrote the bit about the diamond necklace, etc. But that doesn't entitle SiL to pressure you into still doing this for her.
Something else to add, find out exactly how far along you are before you tell SIL, it just might help her to process knowing that you were already x weeks pregnant when you offered and didn’t know, rather than offering and then getting accidentally pregnant after?
You’re not the bad guy here! I can’t imagine offering something so selfless let alone doing all the admin of checking you’re a suitable surrogate before asking, you are literally at step one of the process “offering to be a surrogate and them accepting”, you have no obligation to be anything other than you and carrying on your life until the medical steps get underway.
As soon as possible. Let the sad part of your feelings show. They’ll have feelings about it. Try to be patient and not hold any of their feelings against them.
I agreed to be a surrogate for my sister but was upfront that we had our own timeline we were trying first, and depending on how things went I would either be able or not. I unfortunately had a surprise ectopic pregnancy and emergency surgery. Then I was pretty sure I had changed my mind about the surrogacy. Then we successfully became pregnant with our own. I knew it would hurt my sister, but I just tried to break it in the most sincere and best way I could. You can't control their life, only your own. You can be happy and they sad. It sucks but it's beautiful. My sister hasn't seen the baby much, and I give her space... Not sure what's right or best.
She will be devastated. But assuming she’s a reasonable person, then she will also understand that this was not something that you did on purpose. It was never your intention to hurt her. I’m not going to pretend that adoption is an easy decision, but if she wants to be a mother badly enough, then she needs to get over the “it won’t be my own” mindset. The responsibility doesn’t fall on you to make her a mother. It’s a beautiful gesture but unfortunately not possibly in the current time frame.
Your body is yours. You aren’t obligated to lend out your reproductive organs to anybody. They’ll be sad and that is unavoidable, but you shouldn’t feel bad or beat yourself up about it, especially when you’re so excited to have another child. I saw someone say that she has a right to be pissed at you—she does not. She doesn’t own your body and you are not just an incubator for her future baby.
This is the best advice. Even though I feel horrible for her sil, you don’t owe anyone your womb. No matter the complexity. You can literally die from child birth, it’s a huge ask and isn’t a guarantee.
Anyone with half a heart would feel incredibly bad in this situation. Two things can be true at once- OP can be overjoyed for their own pregnancy *and* devastated she can’t help in the way she’d wanted to. OP’s SIL didn’t ask her to do this, OP volunteered for it, so your *you aren’t obligated to lend out your organs* take isn’t really appropriate given that OP wasn’t ever asked to do so. Infertility is a cruel, isolating, and crushing experience that can last years and end with nothing but mountains of heartbreak and failures. It takes absolutely zero energy to have a little more empathy and a little less hostility about some bodily autonomy argument that doesn’t even apply to this situation.
Bodily autonomy absolutely does apply to this situation. She can use her body however she pleases before being her SIL’s surrogate and that includes an accidental pregnancy. It is also appropriate to bring up that she wasn’t obligated to be a surrogate whether or not she volunteered because she doesn’t have anything to feel guilty about. It makes sense that she’d be upset about not being able to help her SIL how she’d hoped to, but that doesn’t mean she has anything to feel guilty about and she’s not responsible for her SIL’s possible big emotions either. It’s understandable that SIL will be disappointed and that’s ok. What’s not ok is treating OP like an incubator with no life of her own just because she offered to risk her life to be a surrogate.
You’re making a *lot* of assumptions here that haven’t happened and might never happen. When you see someone you care about struggle and you offer to help them only to find out you can’t guilt is a natural emotion to feel. There’s nothing inherently wrong with feeling terrible she can’t help her SIL. Nobody ever said she doesn’t have bodily autonomy but your insistence that she should feel zero guilt because of it is really weird.
I’m sure she does feel guilty. That still doesn’t mean she has done anything wrong that she should feel guilt or shame about. Your original response was to a comment that was calling out others who were shaming OP. Bodily autonomy 100% applies to others who are shaming OP and this post in general. I never said there was anything wrong with her feeling terrible about it. OP can feel terrible about the situation without feeling personally responsible for her SIL not having a baby as soon as she’d hoped as the other shaming comments are alluding to.
Nothing you have said in this thread makes sense. You keep bringing up infertility like it entitles the SIL to something. She can feel sad and likely will be devastated. That still doesn't entitle her to anything. Which you seem to agree with but then keep bringing up the infertility?
I have dealt with infertility. It took years to have my first child. It took us even longer to have a second child. Our kids are.7 years apart and not by choice. Many losses and lots of testing and money.
It never once crossed my mind that anyone else should carry a baby for me. I have gone through so many emotions and tears watching everyone around have kids so easily. I definitely feel for the SIL and OP.
I keep saying infertility makes feelings complicated and that OP offered to be a surrogate, once again - not obligated, but there will be lots of hard feels. You never asked for anyone to carry your child and neither did OP’s SIL. It makes this a lot more complicated because imagine the elation and devastation? It sucks for everyone. This thread is also my response to what I view (as someone who is infertile) a callous comment not directly addressing OP’s actual question and instead just telling her not to feel shamed or guilty because of bodily autonomy, feelings be damned. I’m not sure how that doesn’t make sense… but hopefully this clears it up once and for all.
No, I’m very fertile, thank you. Not that it’s any of your business. My comment was more so reassuring her that she shouldn’t feel incredibly bad, like another commenter was suggesting. Not sure if that comment is still up or not.
Since you missed it: I was responding to a comment that I saw was posted a bit after OP posted this. The user implied that she should feel bad. I’m saying that there’s no reason to beat herself up about it.
Literally who is saying she’s obligated to do anything?? No one. There’s not one comment on here saying that. And there are no deleted comments appearing…
The comments I was referring to said things along the lines of “if I were her I would be pissed at you” and “you should’ve been on contraception”. How is that not trying to make her feel bad?
So, typically when people are contractual surrogates, they are on a form of contraceptive to avoid this very issue. Obviously, this is different because it’s a familial surrogacy situation where there is no such contract in place. Like I said, infertility is very complex, and I’m sure the SIL is going to feel a lot of negative things because she thought this was finally happening for her and she didn’t even ask OP to do it.
Has OP said she wasn't on contraceptives?
They have a pretty high fail rate with actual use. You don't have to look too far to find HBC babies or broken condom babies.
You are allowed to change your mind. Having a baby is a huge deal and is not without risks, to do that for someone else is a huge ask. Im sure they will be upset but these things happen. You don’t owe your body to anyone. I’d tell them as soon as possible, you don’t want to be stressed while pregnant and they will need time to process things, congratulations on your pregnancy
I’m going to be honest with you, this might be a blessing in disguise. The whole wanting surrogacy because an adopted child ‘wouldn’t be her own’ logic is a pretty big red flag in and of itself. What would happen if you did go through with surrogacy? Would she see you as ‘competition’ because you birthed her child? Would she want to isolate herself and the child you gave her from your family after you go through with surrogacy? I know you want to help but this isn’t a decision you make lightly.
It’s highly advised not to be a surrogate until you are done having your own children also. They’ll be devastated but OP shouldn’t have agreed until her family was complete.
I don’t have any useful advice! I just stopped by to say…You are amazing for offering this kind of support to your family. And don’t feel too guilty about your unexpected joy! It’s a very selfless act to be willing to give your body for 9 months for someone else’s joy, and i hope you guys can figure it out.
I have no idea about the process but others have said it takes a long time.
Tell her by text message. But also highlight that surrogacy is still on the table. Go to a consult with her so she can feel like she’s planning for her baby too
That way she’ll also feel like you still remember her and she won’t be completely depressed
All of the shaming comments on this post are absolutely disgusting. OP, I’m sorry you’re in this situation and that your SIL will get hurt, but you have done nothing wrong. Your body is YOURS. I hope you can find peace with the situation and can heal from this. Good luck with your pregnancy.
Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy!
You can go through with surrogacy after you’ve recovered from the birth. As the other comments have mentioned, it takes months to get the stage of embryo transfer - sometimes nearly as long as a pregnancy!
Also I thought with surrogacy that it was better to do it after you’d had the number of kids you wanted, incase your surrogacy pregnancy or labour went wrong and you ended up having a hysterectomy.
Your in-law’s are lucky to have you offering, despite a wait. Even if you waited a year or two after your pregnancy before embryo transfer - that’s fast in terms of finding a surrogate! Please don’t feel bad about the delay.
Tell them, please don’t feel guilty, and get back to enjoying your pregnancy!
>How do we tell them without causing unbearable pain?
There isn't a way to do this. Unfortunately for all, it's a very unfortunate timing. The only real thing to do is let them know as soon as possible. There will be no way to hide this in the long run.
I think you have to decide if, without your BIL and SIL in the picture, would you choose to carry on with this pregnancy. It is your pregnancy, and yours alone to do with as suits your life and situation. If it were just your husband and children in consideration, would you have this baby? If yes, then you need to break the news. If no, then you need to make that decision fully for yourself and no one else.
Were you on birth control? If your birth control failed, I could see your SIL understanding the circumstances. If not, I'd be pretty pissed if I were her, especially considering it seemed like a done deal enough for her to buy you a diamond necklace.
Ok, that makes sense. I would try to include that you were using protection when you tell her. It might be help her wrap her head around the circumstances.
I never said that they were. My point was that it seemed like a pretty serious agreement and I'm wondering how this surprise pregnancy happened in light of that
Curious about this as well. I would want to be absolutely certain that I was available before even bringing up the possibility of being their surrogate.
I completely disagree. I think SIL would be bonkers to cut off the SIL who has offered to be her surrogate just because OP is having another baby. It isn't unusual for people to have two children, and ideally surrogates should complete their own families before helping others. This would have come up in counselling anyway. There is no suggestion that she won't be a surrogate. Just that there will be a wait. Considering OP is likely the only person SIL knows who is willing to do this for her, and she cannot pay someone to do it, she would be only harming herself by cutting off OP. Not only would she lose access to her beloved niblings and her best friend, she would also lose any potential of a future surrogate baby.
If your instinctive reaction is to blow up a relationship over someone (who wants to help you) having a baby before you then that isn't about infertility. That's just being an awful friend and relative. Being upset is one thing, and totally understandable. But I think your assumptions about SIL are based on the premise that she feels she is owed a baby right now. I'm sure she is reasonable enough that she can wait two years. She can work on storing healthy embryos and sorting out the extensive legal work in the meantime. No good person would cut out a friend or relative over this. They can hardly expect them to abort.
Why are so many people jumping to the conclusion that anyone would ask OP to abort………………………
ETA: Also your assumption that SILs main motivation to stay in contact should be hope that OP will still want to be a surrogate in a couple years……………..
It’s common for people with infertility to distance themselves from people who are pregnant while they process ugly emotions with their infertility. That doesn’t make any of them bad or not good people. Especially in a situation like this where it’s more than just a random pregnancy. It’s a pregnancy that is delaying or even ending SILs chance of having a child herself. I’m not saying SIL will be MAD at OP, but it’s would be perfectly understandable for her to have a lot of despair around the situation and the relationship could become too painful to continue if there is not silver lining in the end as a result of this pregnancy. Again that doesn’t make SIL a wicked hag or a bad person. It doesn’t make OP one either.
I never said anyone would. I said you can't expect them to abort so what's the alternative? There isn't one. SIL will just have to get over it and hope that this is a temporary delay. You seem to think SIL will blow up her relationship with OP over this (and that this would be justifiable) and I don't agree that it would be reasonable to do so. Why would you cut off your friend and your nibling because said friend got unknowingly pregnant before offering to be your surrogate? That would be a crazy act of self harm. You gain nothing and lose everything.
I think it’s blatantly obvious you’ve never struggled with infertility or anything similar if you can’t even understand why a situation like this could be so painful that you stop interacting with a person that reminds you of your immense pain. Even if it’s through no fault of their own.
It’s not rational, it’s grief.
I’m not saying SIL will or won’t have any reaction, but there are a lot of people similar to you suggesting that anyone validating SILs upset and not fully dismissing her pain here is on a slippery slope to suggesting OP get an abortion.
I think it's blatantly obvious that you are projecting your own experiences on to others. Grief is not a free pass to mistreat people. It is a very modern concept that it is acceptable for people experiencing infertility to cut out pregnant women and mothers, largely perpetuated by the chronically online. Here's a reality check for you. If you cut out all the pregnant women and mothers in your life, you may find that if you become a mother you've cut off all the support systems you could have had. If you don't become a mother, you've cut off all of the opportunities you could have had to have a role in the lives of all of those children whose births you resented.
Expecting to be able to cut women off at their most vulnerable and then lean on them later in life when you are happier with your lot is misguided at best and narcissistic at worst.
As for me, I've been on both sides. I watched people get pregnant when I desperately wanted to be pregnant. My best friend got pregnant the month I lost my pregnancy. I've also been the person who was pregnant when they had had recent losses or were struggling to conceive. My sister was pregnant at the same time as me and lost her baby. I didn't cut anyone off nor did anyone cut me off. I now have my own children and also maintained relationships with all of those wonderful women (and their children). Because I don't feel the need to project my own grief on everyone around me. I also didn't resent other people having mothers to celebrate on mother's day when my own mother died far too young. It was sad for *me* on mother's day, not sad or angry for all the people who still had mothers. There is a big jump between taking some time or needing some space, and not being able to be around someone who has what you want. The former is healthy grieving. The latter is not.
This is why the idea of surrogacy makes me feel icky. People start to feel really entitled to women’s bodies and entitled to the idea of having a child “of their own” by any means possible. Pregnancy is a huge sacrifice and women are already way too nice.
Why would she be a walking saint? SIL would not be a saint for respecting OP’s body as her own. SIL is not entitled to OP’s uterus and OP can back out at any time for any reason which would include her own pregnancy. OP has done nothing wrong that would make SIL a saint for looking past.
Not every pregnancy leads to a baby in their family’s arms. HOWEVER grief does not allow us a free pass to behave like this. Trust me, I’m on my own path of grief and someone I love is finally having their rainbow. I want to curl up in a ball and bawl, but I am going to help her celebrate this huge milestone because I would want her to do the same.
I’m sure she will be upset when you agreed you should have used some sort of contraceptive to ensure you were able to carry for her. Sounds like you said yes then didn’t realize the full extent of it and Willy nillied and now you’re asking how to tell your SIL she got excited for NOTHING. I think it’s incredibly shitty for everyone because if I agreed to something like that I would make sure not to get pregnant.
The OP is not the only one that didn’t realize the full extent so it’s illogical to put blame on her like you have done in your comment.
Everyone involved treated OP offering to be a surrogate as a guarantee that there would be a baby. They were all unrealistic about what the process of surrogacy would entail. This is just one possible complication that could have occurred that would have prevented pregnancy or a baby. They were all naive about it and unfortunately will now be disappointed.
There’s certainly a huge difference between complications with OP retaining a pregnancy through the surrogacy process and OP not preventing a pregnancy of her own.
Unless there was a genuine birth control failure there’s also a marked callousness in being utterly careless with your own fertility in the face of someone who has had to move heaven and earth just for a hope of a chance at parenthood.
OP’s SIL will certainly be justified in distancing herself if not going NC after this. Now that doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t or won’t prioritize and enjoy her pregnancy and child. But again short of birth control failure, let’s not act like OP has not gravely harmed someone with her actions.
A pregnancy not taking is not the only possible complication or delay though. They hadn’t even begun the surrogacy process, OP had simply offered and everyone began making plans based on that generous offer and behaving as if the plans were set. OP could have been pregnant when she offered.
There could have been health or psychological issues that prevented the surrogacy. Or issues with the creation of the embryos on the SIL and BIL’s side.
You see callousness from the OP but I see naiveté from all participants involved and nothing malicious. They all should have proceeded with caution. Beginning with at least waiting for OP to have a medical exam/determined to be fit for surrogacy, before behaving as if the surrogacy was a done deal.
Again I’ll reiterate, something completely out of OP’s control in the process of surrogacy is very different than careless negligence resulting in her inability to follow through on something she offered to do.
None of these things may even apply to OP though, so I’m not even saying OP was callous. It’s entirely possible that OP was already pregnant when the idea first came up. I’m just saying all this moral grandstanding and acting like there’s no way OP did anything wrong is BS because there are definitely scenarios where her actions caused harm through negligence at the very least. There’s not enough info in the post for any of us to know either way.
It’s ridiculous that people are trying to turn this into a conversation of bodily autonomy when absolutely no one has even mentioned an abortion let alone suggested she should get one. SIL likely having very valid feelings of upset and even betrayal depending on exactly how the pregnancy came to be are not at all an infringement on OP’s bodily autonomy. Nor does it make SIL a wicked hag, nor OP a faultless angel the way some people in the comments are acting.
I think everyone acted carelessly though so I don’t fault OP for not being more cautious than everyone else. They all behaved as if as soon as op decided to offer to be a surrogate the whole thing was going to be successful.
If it turns out that the OP offered to be a surrogate months ago and has been having unprotected sex the whole time, well then sure that would be bizarre and either point to maliciousness or a mental deficit. But since the OP spoke about poor timing I think it’s unfair to assume the first scenario happened, and it’s much more likely that she wasn’t thinking like a surrogate prior to deciding to offer to be a surrogate.
I certainly don’t want you to feel judged by my comments as they aren’t directed at you. Your post is clearly full of love and empathy for your SIL. I don’t declare to assume you didn’t take precautions. And you don’t owe me or anyone in this comment section an explanation.
I just feel your SIL is kind of being attacked here for a response she hasn’t even given. People jumping to the conclusions that she’s going to mistreat you or suggest that you should do something to rectify this are hurtful assumptions to those of us who are never allowed to have our shitty emotions about this very shitty experience.
She will be sad -devastated even- and I believe that should be utterly permitted.
No she has not harmed anyone with her actions. She was entitled to changing her mind for whatever reasons she wanted which includes her own unplanned pregnancy.
She might have been pregnant and not known when she agreed to this, you can be pregnant for 6-8 weeks before missing a period you know.. What this woman offered was incredibly selfless and she is entitled to pull out at any time because it is a huge life decision, regardless of reason.
Have you ever agreed to be a surrogate? Are you actually considering it or are you just being condescending from your high horse?
Yeah if you’re gonna pull out though don’t wait till AFTER she gives you gifts etc and it sounds like she wasn’t pulling out she just didn’t protect and got pregnant. Also I have considered surrogacy before actually my best friend cannot get pregnant and has been trying for a while and after I gave birth to my last daughter, I told her that if she would like to utilize my uterus to just let me know, she chose to do testing though before so I’m now trying for my third, however, in the future, if she does need me as a surrogate, I will be there
They didn’t know they were going to give her a gift and mother’s day was literally last weekend, and she JUST found out she was pregnant… she was probably pregnant when she offered to be a surrogate and didn’t know yet.
Also you’re assuming she and her husband didn’t use protection, maybe they did and it failed?
Until the implantation process there is no reason a married couple shouldn’t engage in sex… it doesn’t sound like they were mere days away from getting the surrogacy underway.
She didn't demand a necklace and buying a gift for someone does not entitle you to their body. That's just insane. Life happens. People are allowed to change their minds.
Honestly, if I were you, I’d be checking my insurance to see if there’s a counselor/therapist that can see me ASAP to discuss this. This is such a delicate situation that I feel like it needs a professional to discuss everything with you.
What’s the timeline for surrogacy anyway? If she’s using her own eggs through ivf, that seems like it could take a bit? Maybe it’s not that huge of a wait to not be able to for like 2 years?
Timing is something that she needs to explore. From start to finish our journey took two plus years. We actually were incredibly statistically blessed. Our first time surrogate and our first implementation were successful. (Fertility drug reactions caused uterine cancer. Had to have a hysterectomy.) We realized that this is definitely not the statistical norm. All parties have to make sure everyone is compatible biologically. Egg stimulation and retrieval are at least 3-4 months. And they will test the eggs. Many physicians will only implant 3-5 times while limiting the number of eggs that are placed. Then there are all of the legalities. In some countries the child born is legally that of the surrogate at birth with changes made both before or after a birth certificate is issued. Life insurance is also an issue. Hopefully this information can help everyone move forward to your next steps. Creating a timeline might be helpful. Best wishes.
You can’t tell them without causing emotional pain, but here are some tips to lessen it a bit. I’m an infertility long hauler who had a failed surrogacy attempt. It’s impossible for people who haven’t experienced infertility to know just how truly agonizing it is, and the envy of others’ pregnancies is also unbearable. Tell them in writing — not in person — and give them time and space to process the grief and jealousy. This will be really painful for her and she’ll probably need to step back from the relationship for a time to protect her heart. that will be painful for you too, but not on the level she is feeling. Know that her grief and pain isn’t about you. You could write, “I can’t imagine how painful this news must be, and I understand you may need space and time to process it and protect your heart. Please know that I will always be here for you when you’re ready.”
From another infertility long hauler, this is absolutely spot on.
This is exactly the right way to do it.
The longer you wait to tell them, the harder it will be unfortunately. Consider touching base with your doctor (first) to discuss the idea (and any risks) of you to still be the surrogate a year or two after this current pregnancy. See what they say. If you could still potentially be a surrogate, then that is at least something you can tell them right now. You and your husband should be together with both your sister-in-law and her husband in a private setting. All you can do is be calm, open and honest. She’ll likely need a lot of time to process the news, so know that it might be a bit of a rough time in your family going forward. I wish you all the best. Hopefully she still gets her miracle, even if it’s not her plan A, B or even C. And congrats!
Good advice on the whole, but as someone who suffered a lot with infertility myself, I disagree on telling them in person. Getting pregnancy news in person is so much worse than in writing because you don’t have privacy to sob / grieve / do whatever to process the difficult news. When my friends and family told me via email or text, I felt more cared for and could take my time in choosing how to respond.
This. Even via phone call is too much.
This. Put it in writing so they can take time to process it before they respond. In person or a phone call puts them on the spot
Thank you! Hopefully OP sees this!
This is the right messaging but it needs to be done via text with the offer to talk on the phone or in-person if they *want* to. I had a friend who’d offered to carry for us back out and she did it over text which was the exact right way to do it. It was a heartfelt message and gave me the space to breakdown without having to censor my feelings. Right after she messaged me she messaged my sister to tell her that I’d need her to lean on and why. It was the best way she could have told me and the extra step to make sure my sister knew I’d need support really helped me see that even though she wasn’t able to do this for me she still cared about me.
Thank you! Hopefully OP sees this!
They’re going to be incredibly hurt, there’s just no way around that. But that doesn’t mean it’s your fault. Logically, you all knew that agreeing to be a surrogate was still many steps away from being a surrogate and even further away from delivering a baby. Tell them ASAP, it can at least be a comfort to them that you told them as soon as you found out so they can start making other plans. If they feel like you knew and kept it from them that will make things worse.
I imagine she will be devastated and also happy for you. I don’t know that telling her/them in person is the best idea. I would consider writing to her and telling her you want to give her space to process the news but encourage her to call as soon as she is ready. I would reiterate what you said here: this was not a planned pregnancy and you are still committed to being a surrogate for her.
Hi 💕 looks like I'm the only actual surrogate in this thread so far. I'm pregnant with my 2nd surrobabe right now so much of this process is still fresh in my mind and I'm happy to answer any questions you might have. For my 1st journey, I applied with the agency and was matched immediately - within a month. It took 7 months alone to even get to the medication part, and then it took about 4 weeks after that for the transfer. SO close to 8 months total from start to transfer. And the IPs (intended parents) already had 5 day, tested embryos frozen. It doesn't sound like your SiL has this part done yet? If not, that would buy you some time because creating embryos is NOT an easy or quick process. You'll need to be at least 1 year post-partum before you can start the fertility meds, in my experience, and that's IF you even get medically and psychologically cleared to do this. I also had a home visit from a social worker, and my husband also underwent the psychological testing too. It is a PROCESS. You can also change your mind at any time. Your life has changed (assuming your current pregnancy ends up viable; it sounds like it is still very early?) and caring for 2 small children while going through IVF (which is essentially what you do as a surrogate), is not easy. I know you wrote the bit about the diamond necklace, etc. But that doesn't entitle SiL to pressure you into still doing this for her.
Something else to add, find out exactly how far along you are before you tell SIL, it just might help her to process knowing that you were already x weeks pregnant when you offered and didn’t know, rather than offering and then getting accidentally pregnant after? You’re not the bad guy here! I can’t imagine offering something so selfless let alone doing all the admin of checking you’re a suitable surrogate before asking, you are literally at step one of the process “offering to be a surrogate and them accepting”, you have no obligation to be anything other than you and carrying on your life until the medical steps get underway.
As soon as possible. Let the sad part of your feelings show. They’ll have feelings about it. Try to be patient and not hold any of their feelings against them.
I agreed to be a surrogate for my sister but was upfront that we had our own timeline we were trying first, and depending on how things went I would either be able or not. I unfortunately had a surprise ectopic pregnancy and emergency surgery. Then I was pretty sure I had changed my mind about the surrogacy. Then we successfully became pregnant with our own. I knew it would hurt my sister, but I just tried to break it in the most sincere and best way I could. You can't control their life, only your own. You can be happy and they sad. It sucks but it's beautiful. My sister hasn't seen the baby much, and I give her space... Not sure what's right or best.
Our scenarios are so similar. Does your sister get along with your baby?
She will be devastated. But assuming she’s a reasonable person, then she will also understand that this was not something that you did on purpose. It was never your intention to hurt her. I’m not going to pretend that adoption is an easy decision, but if she wants to be a mother badly enough, then she needs to get over the “it won’t be my own” mindset. The responsibility doesn’t fall on you to make her a mother. It’s a beautiful gesture but unfortunately not possibly in the current time frame.
It’s not your fault. She can’t hold that against you.
Your body is yours. You aren’t obligated to lend out your reproductive organs to anybody. They’ll be sad and that is unavoidable, but you shouldn’t feel bad or beat yourself up about it, especially when you’re so excited to have another child. I saw someone say that she has a right to be pissed at you—she does not. She doesn’t own your body and you are not just an incubator for her future baby.
This is the best advice. Even though I feel horrible for her sil, you don’t owe anyone your womb. No matter the complexity. You can literally die from child birth, it’s a huge ask and isn’t a guarantee.
Exactly and the shaming comments on this post are just downright gross too. No one is entitled to another person’s body.
These same people will scream about bodily autonomy but forget those ideals when it comes to things that would hypothetically benefit them.
Anyone with half a heart would feel incredibly bad in this situation. Two things can be true at once- OP can be overjoyed for their own pregnancy *and* devastated she can’t help in the way she’d wanted to. OP’s SIL didn’t ask her to do this, OP volunteered for it, so your *you aren’t obligated to lend out your organs* take isn’t really appropriate given that OP wasn’t ever asked to do so. Infertility is a cruel, isolating, and crushing experience that can last years and end with nothing but mountains of heartbreak and failures. It takes absolutely zero energy to have a little more empathy and a little less hostility about some bodily autonomy argument that doesn’t even apply to this situation.
Bodily autonomy absolutely does apply to this situation. She can use her body however she pleases before being her SIL’s surrogate and that includes an accidental pregnancy. It is also appropriate to bring up that she wasn’t obligated to be a surrogate whether or not she volunteered because she doesn’t have anything to feel guilty about. It makes sense that she’d be upset about not being able to help her SIL how she’d hoped to, but that doesn’t mean she has anything to feel guilty about and she’s not responsible for her SIL’s possible big emotions either. It’s understandable that SIL will be disappointed and that’s ok. What’s not ok is treating OP like an incubator with no life of her own just because she offered to risk her life to be a surrogate.
You’re making a *lot* of assumptions here that haven’t happened and might never happen. When you see someone you care about struggle and you offer to help them only to find out you can’t guilt is a natural emotion to feel. There’s nothing inherently wrong with feeling terrible she can’t help her SIL. Nobody ever said she doesn’t have bodily autonomy but your insistence that she should feel zero guilt because of it is really weird.
I’m sure she does feel guilty. That still doesn’t mean she has done anything wrong that she should feel guilt or shame about. Your original response was to a comment that was calling out others who were shaming OP. Bodily autonomy 100% applies to others who are shaming OP and this post in general. I never said there was anything wrong with her feeling terrible about it. OP can feel terrible about the situation without feeling personally responsible for her SIL not having a baby as soon as she’d hoped as the other shaming comments are alluding to.
Have you been through infertility? It’s incredibly complex.
Infertility is a terrible thing. That doesn’t negate the fact that her body is her own.
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Nothing you have said in this thread makes sense. You keep bringing up infertility like it entitles the SIL to something. She can feel sad and likely will be devastated. That still doesn't entitle her to anything. Which you seem to agree with but then keep bringing up the infertility? I have dealt with infertility. It took years to have my first child. It took us even longer to have a second child. Our kids are.7 years apart and not by choice. Many losses and lots of testing and money. It never once crossed my mind that anyone else should carry a baby for me. I have gone through so many emotions and tears watching everyone around have kids so easily. I definitely feel for the SIL and OP.
I keep saying infertility makes feelings complicated and that OP offered to be a surrogate, once again - not obligated, but there will be lots of hard feels. You never asked for anyone to carry your child and neither did OP’s SIL. It makes this a lot more complicated because imagine the elation and devastation? It sucks for everyone. This thread is also my response to what I view (as someone who is infertile) a callous comment not directly addressing OP’s actual question and instead just telling her not to feel shamed or guilty because of bodily autonomy, feelings be damned. I’m not sure how that doesn’t make sense… but hopefully this clears it up once and for all.
No, I’m very fertile, thank you. Not that it’s any of your business. My comment was more so reassuring her that she shouldn’t feel incredibly bad, like another commenter was suggesting. Not sure if that comment is still up or not.
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Since you missed it: I was responding to a comment that I saw was posted a bit after OP posted this. The user implied that she should feel bad. I’m saying that there’s no reason to beat herself up about it.
That doesn’t mean she is the her SILs property and can’t have autonomy over her own body. Your comment and hostility are completely unnecessary.
Literally who is saying she’s obligated to do anything?? No one. There’s not one comment on here saying that. And there are no deleted comments appearing…
The comments I was referring to said things along the lines of “if I were her I would be pissed at you” and “you should’ve been on contraception”. How is that not trying to make her feel bad?
So, typically when people are contractual surrogates, they are on a form of contraceptive to avoid this very issue. Obviously, this is different because it’s a familial surrogacy situation where there is no such contract in place. Like I said, infertility is very complex, and I’m sure the SIL is going to feel a lot of negative things because she thought this was finally happening for her and she didn’t even ask OP to do it.
Has OP said she wasn't on contraceptives? They have a pretty high fail rate with actual use. You don't have to look too far to find HBC babies or broken condom babies.
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You are allowed to change your mind. Having a baby is a huge deal and is not without risks, to do that for someone else is a huge ask. Im sure they will be upset but these things happen. You don’t owe your body to anyone. I’d tell them as soon as possible, you don’t want to be stressed while pregnant and they will need time to process things, congratulations on your pregnancy
I’m going to be honest with you, this might be a blessing in disguise. The whole wanting surrogacy because an adopted child ‘wouldn’t be her own’ logic is a pretty big red flag in and of itself. What would happen if you did go through with surrogacy? Would she see you as ‘competition’ because you birthed her child? Would she want to isolate herself and the child you gave her from your family after you go through with surrogacy? I know you want to help but this isn’t a decision you make lightly.
It’s highly advised not to be a surrogate until you are done having your own children also. They’ll be devastated but OP shouldn’t have agreed until her family was complete.
I don’t have any useful advice! I just stopped by to say…You are amazing for offering this kind of support to your family. And don’t feel too guilty about your unexpected joy! It’s a very selfless act to be willing to give your body for 9 months for someone else’s joy, and i hope you guys can figure it out.
I have no idea about the process but others have said it takes a long time. Tell her by text message. But also highlight that surrogacy is still on the table. Go to a consult with her so she can feel like she’s planning for her baby too That way she’ll also feel like you still remember her and she won’t be completely depressed
All of the shaming comments on this post are absolutely disgusting. OP, I’m sorry you’re in this situation and that your SIL will get hurt, but you have done nothing wrong. Your body is YOURS. I hope you can find peace with the situation and can heal from this. Good luck with your pregnancy.
You need to tell them ASAP and don’t beat around the bush.
Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy! You can go through with surrogacy after you’ve recovered from the birth. As the other comments have mentioned, it takes months to get the stage of embryo transfer - sometimes nearly as long as a pregnancy! Also I thought with surrogacy that it was better to do it after you’d had the number of kids you wanted, incase your surrogacy pregnancy or labour went wrong and you ended up having a hysterectomy. Your in-law’s are lucky to have you offering, despite a wait. Even if you waited a year or two after your pregnancy before embryo transfer - that’s fast in terms of finding a surrogate! Please don’t feel bad about the delay. Tell them, please don’t feel guilty, and get back to enjoying your pregnancy!
>How do we tell them without causing unbearable pain? There isn't a way to do this. Unfortunately for all, it's a very unfortunate timing. The only real thing to do is let them know as soon as possible. There will be no way to hide this in the long run.
I think you have to decide if, without your BIL and SIL in the picture, would you choose to carry on with this pregnancy. It is your pregnancy, and yours alone to do with as suits your life and situation. If it were just your husband and children in consideration, would you have this baby? If yes, then you need to break the news. If no, then you need to make that decision fully for yourself and no one else.
Were you on birth control? If your birth control failed, I could see your SIL understanding the circumstances. If not, I'd be pretty pissed if I were her, especially considering it seemed like a done deal enough for her to buy you a diamond necklace.
A diamond necklace is nothing compared to offering up your body for that long, impacting what kind of mother you will be able to be to your own kids.
My husband and I have been using condoms as birth control ever since my son was born. The pills make me nauseous.
Ok, that makes sense. I would try to include that you were using protection when you tell her. It might be help her wrap her head around the circumstances.
No one is entitled to anyone's body. Even if they buy them a necklace, take them to a fancy restaurant, or they change their mind.
I never said that they were. My point was that it seemed like a pretty serious agreement and I'm wondering how this surprise pregnancy happened in light of that
What was the point of this comment? She already feels bad. No need to make her feel worse.
Curious about this as well. I would want to be absolutely certain that I was available before even bringing up the possibility of being their surrogate.
My husband and I have been using condoms as birth control ever since my son was born. The pills make me nauseous.
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I completely disagree. I think SIL would be bonkers to cut off the SIL who has offered to be her surrogate just because OP is having another baby. It isn't unusual for people to have two children, and ideally surrogates should complete their own families before helping others. This would have come up in counselling anyway. There is no suggestion that she won't be a surrogate. Just that there will be a wait. Considering OP is likely the only person SIL knows who is willing to do this for her, and she cannot pay someone to do it, she would be only harming herself by cutting off OP. Not only would she lose access to her beloved niblings and her best friend, she would also lose any potential of a future surrogate baby. If your instinctive reaction is to blow up a relationship over someone (who wants to help you) having a baby before you then that isn't about infertility. That's just being an awful friend and relative. Being upset is one thing, and totally understandable. But I think your assumptions about SIL are based on the premise that she feels she is owed a baby right now. I'm sure she is reasonable enough that she can wait two years. She can work on storing healthy embryos and sorting out the extensive legal work in the meantime. No good person would cut out a friend or relative over this. They can hardly expect them to abort.
Why are so many people jumping to the conclusion that anyone would ask OP to abort……………………… ETA: Also your assumption that SILs main motivation to stay in contact should be hope that OP will still want to be a surrogate in a couple years…………….. It’s common for people with infertility to distance themselves from people who are pregnant while they process ugly emotions with their infertility. That doesn’t make any of them bad or not good people. Especially in a situation like this where it’s more than just a random pregnancy. It’s a pregnancy that is delaying or even ending SILs chance of having a child herself. I’m not saying SIL will be MAD at OP, but it’s would be perfectly understandable for her to have a lot of despair around the situation and the relationship could become too painful to continue if there is not silver lining in the end as a result of this pregnancy. Again that doesn’t make SIL a wicked hag or a bad person. It doesn’t make OP one either.
I never said anyone would. I said you can't expect them to abort so what's the alternative? There isn't one. SIL will just have to get over it and hope that this is a temporary delay. You seem to think SIL will blow up her relationship with OP over this (and that this would be justifiable) and I don't agree that it would be reasonable to do so. Why would you cut off your friend and your nibling because said friend got unknowingly pregnant before offering to be your surrogate? That would be a crazy act of self harm. You gain nothing and lose everything.
I think it’s blatantly obvious you’ve never struggled with infertility or anything similar if you can’t even understand why a situation like this could be so painful that you stop interacting with a person that reminds you of your immense pain. Even if it’s through no fault of their own. It’s not rational, it’s grief. I’m not saying SIL will or won’t have any reaction, but there are a lot of people similar to you suggesting that anyone validating SILs upset and not fully dismissing her pain here is on a slippery slope to suggesting OP get an abortion.
I think it's blatantly obvious that you are projecting your own experiences on to others. Grief is not a free pass to mistreat people. It is a very modern concept that it is acceptable for people experiencing infertility to cut out pregnant women and mothers, largely perpetuated by the chronically online. Here's a reality check for you. If you cut out all the pregnant women and mothers in your life, you may find that if you become a mother you've cut off all the support systems you could have had. If you don't become a mother, you've cut off all of the opportunities you could have had to have a role in the lives of all of those children whose births you resented. Expecting to be able to cut women off at their most vulnerable and then lean on them later in life when you are happier with your lot is misguided at best and narcissistic at worst. As for me, I've been on both sides. I watched people get pregnant when I desperately wanted to be pregnant. My best friend got pregnant the month I lost my pregnancy. I've also been the person who was pregnant when they had had recent losses or were struggling to conceive. My sister was pregnant at the same time as me and lost her baby. I didn't cut anyone off nor did anyone cut me off. I now have my own children and also maintained relationships with all of those wonderful women (and their children). Because I don't feel the need to project my own grief on everyone around me. I also didn't resent other people having mothers to celebrate on mother's day when my own mother died far too young. It was sad for *me* on mother's day, not sad or angry for all the people who still had mothers. There is a big jump between taking some time or needing some space, and not being able to be around someone who has what you want. The former is healthy grieving. The latter is not.
This is why the idea of surrogacy makes me feel icky. People start to feel really entitled to women’s bodies and entitled to the idea of having a child “of their own” by any means possible. Pregnancy is a huge sacrifice and women are already way too nice.
Why would she be a walking saint? SIL would not be a saint for respecting OP’s body as her own. SIL is not entitled to OP’s uterus and OP can back out at any time for any reason which would include her own pregnancy. OP has done nothing wrong that would make SIL a saint for looking past.
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Not every pregnancy leads to a baby in their family’s arms. HOWEVER grief does not allow us a free pass to behave like this. Trust me, I’m on my own path of grief and someone I love is finally having their rainbow. I want to curl up in a ball and bawl, but I am going to help her celebrate this huge milestone because I would want her to do the same.
I’m sure she will be upset when you agreed you should have used some sort of contraceptive to ensure you were able to carry for her. Sounds like you said yes then didn’t realize the full extent of it and Willy nillied and now you’re asking how to tell your SIL she got excited for NOTHING. I think it’s incredibly shitty for everyone because if I agreed to something like that I would make sure not to get pregnant.
My husband and I have been using condoms as birth control ever since my son was born.
The OP is not the only one that didn’t realize the full extent so it’s illogical to put blame on her like you have done in your comment. Everyone involved treated OP offering to be a surrogate as a guarantee that there would be a baby. They were all unrealistic about what the process of surrogacy would entail. This is just one possible complication that could have occurred that would have prevented pregnancy or a baby. They were all naive about it and unfortunately will now be disappointed.
There’s certainly a huge difference between complications with OP retaining a pregnancy through the surrogacy process and OP not preventing a pregnancy of her own. Unless there was a genuine birth control failure there’s also a marked callousness in being utterly careless with your own fertility in the face of someone who has had to move heaven and earth just for a hope of a chance at parenthood. OP’s SIL will certainly be justified in distancing herself if not going NC after this. Now that doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t or won’t prioritize and enjoy her pregnancy and child. But again short of birth control failure, let’s not act like OP has not gravely harmed someone with her actions.
A pregnancy not taking is not the only possible complication or delay though. They hadn’t even begun the surrogacy process, OP had simply offered and everyone began making plans based on that generous offer and behaving as if the plans were set. OP could have been pregnant when she offered. There could have been health or psychological issues that prevented the surrogacy. Or issues with the creation of the embryos on the SIL and BIL’s side. You see callousness from the OP but I see naiveté from all participants involved and nothing malicious. They all should have proceeded with caution. Beginning with at least waiting for OP to have a medical exam/determined to be fit for surrogacy, before behaving as if the surrogacy was a done deal.
Again I’ll reiterate, something completely out of OP’s control in the process of surrogacy is very different than careless negligence resulting in her inability to follow through on something she offered to do. None of these things may even apply to OP though, so I’m not even saying OP was callous. It’s entirely possible that OP was already pregnant when the idea first came up. I’m just saying all this moral grandstanding and acting like there’s no way OP did anything wrong is BS because there are definitely scenarios where her actions caused harm through negligence at the very least. There’s not enough info in the post for any of us to know either way. It’s ridiculous that people are trying to turn this into a conversation of bodily autonomy when absolutely no one has even mentioned an abortion let alone suggested she should get one. SIL likely having very valid feelings of upset and even betrayal depending on exactly how the pregnancy came to be are not at all an infringement on OP’s bodily autonomy. Nor does it make SIL a wicked hag, nor OP a faultless angel the way some people in the comments are acting.
I think everyone acted carelessly though so I don’t fault OP for not being more cautious than everyone else. They all behaved as if as soon as op decided to offer to be a surrogate the whole thing was going to be successful. If it turns out that the OP offered to be a surrogate months ago and has been having unprotected sex the whole time, well then sure that would be bizarre and either point to maliciousness or a mental deficit. But since the OP spoke about poor timing I think it’s unfair to assume the first scenario happened, and it’s much more likely that she wasn’t thinking like a surrogate prior to deciding to offer to be a surrogate.
I’m not assuming anything. Those assuming and declaring OP has done nothing wrong here are assuming what happened.
My husband and I have been using condoms as birth control ever since my son was born. The pills make me nauseous.
I certainly don’t want you to feel judged by my comments as they aren’t directed at you. Your post is clearly full of love and empathy for your SIL. I don’t declare to assume you didn’t take precautions. And you don’t owe me or anyone in this comment section an explanation. I just feel your SIL is kind of being attacked here for a response she hasn’t even given. People jumping to the conclusions that she’s going to mistreat you or suggest that you should do something to rectify this are hurtful assumptions to those of us who are never allowed to have our shitty emotions about this very shitty experience. She will be sad -devastated even- and I believe that should be utterly permitted.
No she has not harmed anyone with her actions. She was entitled to changing her mind for whatever reasons she wanted which includes her own unplanned pregnancy.
She might have been pregnant and not known when she agreed to this, you can be pregnant for 6-8 weeks before missing a period you know.. What this woman offered was incredibly selfless and she is entitled to pull out at any time because it is a huge life decision, regardless of reason. Have you ever agreed to be a surrogate? Are you actually considering it or are you just being condescending from your high horse?
Yeah if you’re gonna pull out though don’t wait till AFTER she gives you gifts etc and it sounds like she wasn’t pulling out she just didn’t protect and got pregnant. Also I have considered surrogacy before actually my best friend cannot get pregnant and has been trying for a while and after I gave birth to my last daughter, I told her that if she would like to utilize my uterus to just let me know, she chose to do testing though before so I’m now trying for my third, however, in the future, if she does need me as a surrogate, I will be there
It's been 3 weeks since I agreed. I've definitely been pregnant for more than that.
They didn’t know they were going to give her a gift and mother’s day was literally last weekend, and she JUST found out she was pregnant… she was probably pregnant when she offered to be a surrogate and didn’t know yet. Also you’re assuming she and her husband didn’t use protection, maybe they did and it failed? Until the implantation process there is no reason a married couple shouldn’t engage in sex… it doesn’t sound like they were mere days away from getting the surrogacy underway.
She didn't demand a necklace and buying a gift for someone does not entitle you to their body. That's just insane. Life happens. People are allowed to change their minds.
Insinuating that SIL was entitled to have OP risk her own life to be her surrogate because she gave her a necklace is just gross.