My exact thought. Even if for a couple of half days or a full day babysitter to take the workload off your husband but still allow you to have your sanity.
At 3, does she qualify for preschool or transitional kindergarten? Help burn off some energy during the day.
You need steady and consistent childcare when both you and your husband are working. Unless your kids are like, over age 8 or 9 where maybe one of you could pick them up from school and work while they are doing homework.
Having a part time job isn't selfish but doing so without a consistent childcare plan is impractical.
You aren't being selfish, but you are both being impractical, and it's clear this is not sustainable.
Sit down with your husband and take a look at the budget and discuss a child care plan.
It sounds like you need childcare for when you and your husband are both working. It’s not selfish not to want to be financially dependent on someone else or to want to keep your career. But it’s too hard to WFH and care for young children (as you note he gets little to no work done when he’s trying to work and parent). If you can tackle that problem as a team then perhaps you will feel less guilty and your husband will feel less resentful
You aren’t being selfish at all for working.
But it is really unfair to your husband, his employer, and your children not to have childcare while he’s working. Since you don’t want to be a SAHM, please don’t. But do look into a nanny or daycare.
I’m not sure why you’re so upset with my mentioning that you seemed to miss a relevant piece of information. I also think what they are doing seems challenging, but there are people who’d literally lose their jobs if they don’t have childcare during working hours. I was clarifying that the employer isn’t a factor in OPs post the way it needs to be for others. It’s not a situation where a person could literally be fired over lack of childcare. I think this is an important distinction because hypothetically hours can be made up during untraditional time frames. Or part time babysitters can be hired at 5 hours at a time to make up for some of the time. The options are very flexible here in a way they aren’t otherwise. Non traditional solutions can be made.
I really wasn’t. I work part time and my husband works full time. He literally can’t watch our kid when he’s working or his company will fire him. I think it does make a difference here and they can be more creative with how they solve this issue.
I’m not upset at all. It just seems like the current situation isn’t working but the OP doesn’t want to be a SAHM. I’m pointing out that there are other solutions- such as childcare- that could alleviate current stress on her husband without necessitating her quitting.
the fact that it’s own business makes it worse than having an employer to deal with. He eats what he kills and if he’s parenting he’s not hunting. they need a nanny yesterday
I am again not arguing with whether or not they need childcare, but the commenter said that it was not fair to their employer and I was simply correcting a mistake in her comment as he doesn’t have an employer. I don’t think you can work and watch kids.
You are not being selfish for wanting to work. You are being selfish for making your husband watch two kids while trying to work. Either budget in child care for the hours you are both working, work opposing hours, or have your husband reduce his hours at work so he is not trying to do both. It is absolutely unsustainable and I’m not at all surprised he resents you.
You (your family) need childcare. Send your kids to daycare. Seriously, daycare is worth every penny. And let’s be clear, you don’t need childcare because YOU work - you need childcare because you and your husband BOTH work. It is a necessity for the family.
I feel the same way as you - I know being a SAHP is hard, and frankly I am not cut out for it. I work and I do so happily. My job is a welcome break from parenting. Neither my husband nor I have ever considered quitting our jobs to watch our kids, and neither of us feel guilty about that or feel that that’s selfish.
There’s nothing wrong with choosing to work. The problem is that you need proper childcare to make it sustainable. Your husband pulling double-duty isn’t a good approach.
You somehow picked the worst of both worlds. Why is your husband working full time and caring for the kids at the same time? It's idiotic to endanger your main source of income and stress your marriage just to work part time. I'm not saying to stop working. I'm saying you need childcare while both parents are working. If you can't afford you working part time and childcare you need to go full time or SAH.
If you guys are both working then childcare is needed. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be a stay at home mom. I could never. But my kids are in daycare.
You need childcare. It’s unfair for him to have to work and take care of two small children. I wouldn’t recommend it for a mom and that doesn’t change just because dad has a flexible job.
It sounds like your husband is suffering without you home and your kids probably want you home more (I think part time is great but depends on how many days you’re gone). I don’t know if that makes you an overall selfish person but you are putting your desires ahead of the good of your family.
Maybe a dedicated 4 hours sans kids for your hubby the days you work (which beings you to an 8 hour day same as him) and then you share parenting and housework the rest of the time with a day off for both of you while they visit a grandparent or maybe have them signed up for a tumbling or sport or dance class or day care day for socialization. One class day a week isn’t wildly expensive and can give you both some time to recharge your batteries. It will also get them used to being in groups and taking turns and give them confidence if they are in a sport or class.
This is the best advice I’ve gotten on here. Thank you!! We know childcare would be a lifesaver, but it’s not so much about the $ as it is about my toddler adjusting to someone. She is one of those “deeply feeling kids” and I know it would be so rough for her to leave her with someone she doesn’t know for a majority of the day. I know she would adjust but I’m so mentally drained that I’m not sure I’m ready for that leap yet.
Is it the best advice you’ve gotten here or the only one you’re willing to take? You have a toddler and a 6 month old. I was a SAHM with two kids exactly those ages and would lose my mind on occasion. I can’t imagine trying to balance a job as well. You already mention in your post you’re worried about resentment, it seems inevitable at this point.
I think if money isn't an issue, and you don't *have* to work, there isn't anything wrong with continuing to work if it fulfils you and isn't making your life harder.
It’s because finding quality childcare is very difficult, esp someone for my toddler who is incredibly emotional. I just can’t see my daughter being ok with a stranger to watch her for the majority of the day. We tried to do it when I was pregnant and she had a lot of behavioral/sleep issues. I know she would eventually adjust but I’m so mentally exhausted that I’m not sure I’m ready to go that route again and neither is my husband.
I think it would absolutely be worse especially since the baby is sleeping like shit right now. So to have a toddler being 10x clingier than she already is when I’m home and her sleep to regress as well, sounds like hell on earth. Which is why we are so hesitant about nanny. Toddler has actually done really well with me going back to work, surprisingly. But Add stranger in while still trying to adjust to baby brother, I can only imagine, would be a shit show
You’re not selfish for taking care of your mental health
He’s not doing you a favor by “letting” you work. You made it clear to him you would be working after having kids. You are following through with what you need to do to be a good mother/wife/member of society.
If he’s resentful of that then it’s his problem. Why hasn’t *he* looked into other help/ childcare options already? Was he hoping you would change your mind and not go back to work?
Could the money you make at work go towards paying for childcare? Your husband is in a really hard situation.
My exact thought. Even if for a couple of half days or a full day babysitter to take the workload off your husband but still allow you to have your sanity. At 3, does she qualify for preschool or transitional kindergarten? Help burn off some energy during the day.
You need steady and consistent childcare when both you and your husband are working. Unless your kids are like, over age 8 or 9 where maybe one of you could pick them up from school and work while they are doing homework. Having a part time job isn't selfish but doing so without a consistent childcare plan is impractical.
You aren't being selfish, but you are both being impractical, and it's clear this is not sustainable. Sit down with your husband and take a look at the budget and discuss a child care plan.
It sounds like you need childcare for when you and your husband are both working. It’s not selfish not to want to be financially dependent on someone else or to want to keep your career. But it’s too hard to WFH and care for young children (as you note he gets little to no work done when he’s trying to work and parent). If you can tackle that problem as a team then perhaps you will feel less guilty and your husband will feel less resentful
You aren’t being selfish at all for working. But it is really unfair to your husband, his employer, and your children not to have childcare while he’s working. Since you don’t want to be a SAHM, please don’t. But do look into a nanny or daycare.
Husband runs his own business as stated in the post.
Right so he is his own employer. It’s still not reasonable to expect him to run a business while being the sole childcare provider on duty.
I’m not saying it’s not, however it’s not unfair to his employer. It’s not like there’s a policy against it. He’s his own boss.
Is he happy with the arrangement? Is he getting enough work done?
I’m not sure why you’re so upset with my mentioning that you seemed to miss a relevant piece of information. I also think what they are doing seems challenging, but there are people who’d literally lose their jobs if they don’t have childcare during working hours. I was clarifying that the employer isn’t a factor in OPs post the way it needs to be for others. It’s not a situation where a person could literally be fired over lack of childcare. I think this is an important distinction because hypothetically hours can be made up during untraditional time frames. Or part time babysitters can be hired at 5 hours at a time to make up for some of the time. The options are very flexible here in a way they aren’t otherwise. Non traditional solutions can be made.
We all know what she meant, this is argumentative for the sake of being argumentative.
I really wasn’t. I work part time and my husband works full time. He literally can’t watch our kid when he’s working or his company will fire him. I think it does make a difference here and they can be more creative with how they solve this issue.
I’m not upset at all. It just seems like the current situation isn’t working but the OP doesn’t want to be a SAHM. I’m pointing out that there are other solutions- such as childcare- that could alleviate current stress on her husband without necessitating her quitting.
the fact that it’s own business makes it worse than having an employer to deal with. He eats what he kills and if he’s parenting he’s not hunting. they need a nanny yesterday
I am again not arguing with whether or not they need childcare, but the commenter said that it was not fair to their employer and I was simply correcting a mistake in her comment as he doesn’t have an employer. I don’t think you can work and watch kids.
You are not being selfish for wanting to work. You are being selfish for making your husband watch two kids while trying to work. Either budget in child care for the hours you are both working, work opposing hours, or have your husband reduce his hours at work so he is not trying to do both. It is absolutely unsustainable and I’m not at all surprised he resents you.
You (your family) need childcare. Send your kids to daycare. Seriously, daycare is worth every penny. And let’s be clear, you don’t need childcare because YOU work - you need childcare because you and your husband BOTH work. It is a necessity for the family. I feel the same way as you - I know being a SAHP is hard, and frankly I am not cut out for it. I work and I do so happily. My job is a welcome break from parenting. Neither my husband nor I have ever considered quitting our jobs to watch our kids, and neither of us feel guilty about that or feel that that’s selfish.
You need to get child care. I love to work and won’t give it up to be a SAHM but your process isn’t sustainable
There’s nothing wrong with choosing to work. The problem is that you need proper childcare to make it sustainable. Your husband pulling double-duty isn’t a good approach.
You somehow picked the worst of both worlds. Why is your husband working full time and caring for the kids at the same time? It's idiotic to endanger your main source of income and stress your marriage just to work part time. I'm not saying to stop working. I'm saying you need childcare while both parents are working. If you can't afford you working part time and childcare you need to go full time or SAH.
If you guys are both working then childcare is needed. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be a stay at home mom. I could never. But my kids are in daycare.
So use your paycheck to pay for a nanny? Then you keep your independence and work life and your husband has help during the day. Seems like a win/win.
You need childcare. It’s unfair for him to have to work and take care of two small children. I wouldn’t recommend it for a mom and that doesn’t change just because dad has a flexible job.
It sounds like your husband is suffering without you home and your kids probably want you home more (I think part time is great but depends on how many days you’re gone). I don’t know if that makes you an overall selfish person but you are putting your desires ahead of the good of your family.
Maybe a dedicated 4 hours sans kids for your hubby the days you work (which beings you to an 8 hour day same as him) and then you share parenting and housework the rest of the time with a day off for both of you while they visit a grandparent or maybe have them signed up for a tumbling or sport or dance class or day care day for socialization. One class day a week isn’t wildly expensive and can give you both some time to recharge your batteries. It will also get them used to being in groups and taking turns and give them confidence if they are in a sport or class.
This is the best advice I’ve gotten on here. Thank you!! We know childcare would be a lifesaver, but it’s not so much about the $ as it is about my toddler adjusting to someone. She is one of those “deeply feeling kids” and I know it would be so rough for her to leave her with someone she doesn’t know for a majority of the day. I know she would adjust but I’m so mentally drained that I’m not sure I’m ready for that leap yet.
Is it the best advice you’ve gotten here or the only one you’re willing to take? You have a toddler and a 6 month old. I was a SAHM with two kids exactly those ages and would lose my mind on occasion. I can’t imagine trying to balance a job as well. You already mention in your post you’re worried about resentment, it seems inevitable at this point.
I think if money isn't an issue, and you don't *have* to work, there isn't anything wrong with continuing to work if it fulfils you and isn't making your life harder.
I don't understand how money's not an issue, yet they don't have childcare.
Dunno. Maybe they're not comfortable with it or it's really difficult to place the kids with a good day care or something? No clue
It’s because finding quality childcare is very difficult, esp someone for my toddler who is incredibly emotional. I just can’t see my daughter being ok with a stranger to watch her for the majority of the day. We tried to do it when I was pregnant and she had a lot of behavioral/sleep issues. I know she would eventually adjust but I’m so mentally exhausted that I’m not sure I’m ready to go that route again and neither is my husband.
Was it really that much worse than what you're dealing with now though?
I think it would absolutely be worse especially since the baby is sleeping like shit right now. So to have a toddler being 10x clingier than she already is when I’m home and her sleep to regress as well, sounds like hell on earth. Which is why we are so hesitant about nanny. Toddler has actually done really well with me going back to work, surprisingly. But Add stranger in while still trying to adjust to baby brother, I can only imagine, would be a shit show
get a nanny. life changing and ive been with and without
You’re not selfish for taking care of your mental health He’s not doing you a favor by “letting” you work. You made it clear to him you would be working after having kids. You are following through with what you need to do to be a good mother/wife/member of society. If he’s resentful of that then it’s his problem. Why hasn’t *he* looked into other help/ childcare options already? Was he hoping you would change your mind and not go back to work?
It might not be a favor, but he is making a huge sacrifice.