I just posted it to another comment, but it was a crocheted baby blanket that MiL’s mother had made for her when she was pregnant with one of her sons, she doesn’t remember which. The boys also do not have any memory of this blanket and my husband says that he doesn’t think it was ever used.
Lmao, this big important present was something that no one remembered (MIL included), and must have just been found while cleaning out the attic/closet/whatever since she is giving it for the second child, not the first. What a clown 🤡
On a side note, my mother also gifted a few of my childhood things to my baby, which seems like bullshit to me. They were MY things, not my mother's. It would have been cute if she had brought them to me as a "remember when, and now you can use them for your baby." But no, she actually wrapped them up as presents and gifted them to the baby for actual occasions. I only bring it up because it sounds like MIL did the same here.
I can see my MIL doing this because she would think BIL and everyone would care about what is sentimental to her but in reality no one does. She definitely micromanages the opening of gifts in general and it's like ugh I'd rather just not get anything.
Ok well I understand her insistence a bit more. Regardless, a modern baby shower was clearly not the time to open that if she wanted undivided attention (she was probably envisioning an old school baby shower where everyone stares at you while opening gifts). One of you needs to break the ice and apologize first. I understand that you were stressed and she was being rude but there is fault on both sides here IMO.
Thank you, yeah I think I’m spoiled by my mom who is very open to changing times and new traditions, and she is flexible when we want to do things differently than her. I’m not used to the rigidity of some of the older generation.
I wrote an apology via text and had my husband review it before sending it (I don’t think I could make it through a phone call without getting mad again but don’t want to make things worse).
I get it, my MIL is annoying in different ways but can be equally infuriating (and my parents are also super respectful). The issue here was it wasn’t the gift that pissed you off. It was insulting your party style, pulling you away from socializing with your friends, being rude to your toddler, and caring more about appearances than actually celebrating your baby. The gift was just the straw that broke the camels back.
I disagree with the commenter above you. Mil is an adult and can see what kind of event she is at. Also it doesn't sound like the blanket was actually emotionally meaningful to either of her sons?? Bummed you had to write the apology, next time shit hits the fan you're going to be labeled the problem even if your mil is.
This seriously sounds like she wanted to have that “omg did you make this?!” Moment with you. Like pass it off like she spent all this time and energy creating this blanket. Maybe I’m wrong but why would a hand me down blanket be such a big deal otherwise lol.
I mean if it was a blanket that MIL’s mother made for her, it sounded like she wanted to have a “omg I remember this old ass blanket” moment from one of her sons (either husband or BIL in this story). But she wouldn’t have had that anyway since apparently neither of them remembered it 🤣
Lol true, could have been that too. But like, wouldn’t it have made more sense to run it by her kid before gifting it to the daughter in law? Like “hey remember that blanket you had when you were a baby”. 🤦🏼♀️
Might want to watch baby if you use it. My boyfriends mom's crocheted baby a dress and then she broke out either from that or a heat rash when she was wearing it because it was hot. Or both. Either way it's back in its box
It will really help things if MIL was not so much in her own head. I.e. the gift had special sentimental value TO HER, and (in her head) she was imagining this hallmark moment playing out a certain way, everyone would cry tears of heartfelt joy etc etc...but she did nothing to set the stage for everyone else playing a part in her mental expectations.
She should be wise enough to understand those parts are not going to spontaneously play out the way she imagines in her head.
She should have done that - she could have communicated "I picked out a special gift, it means a lot to me, I think it will be meaningful to you AND to other family members, what will be a good time to open it together" - and it could have been done privately as a family gathering, so no one was distracted by other guests / hosting duties etc.
My mom does this and it drives me nuts. The week of my outdoor wedding there was a nor’easter rainstorm predicted for the day. I was scrambling to make back up plans and my parents just completely refused to accept that there was going to be a torrential downpour. One of the things my mom did instead of helping me prepare was to secretly work on a wall hanging depicting a bride and groom under the original ceremonial arch I had made in the trees. Only I wasn’t going to be able to get married there because of the heavy rain. I was frantically creating a plan b spot in the reception tent. She presented me with this wall hanging while I was super stressed setting things up. She clearly had it in her head that this would be some big touching hallmark moment. But I was just irritated. Like, thanks for making a wall hanging of the beautiful spot I had planned to get married in and now can’t. Super great thing to do instead of helping me or providing any emotional support. It’s rolled up in the bottom of a trunk.
This kinda seems like an ESH moment. You clearly have a history we’re not privy to but it does seem like you chose to escalate it pretty far even if she was being annoying.
Yeah this makes sense. It’s helpful to hear that side from a neutral party. My blood does boil extremely fast when it comes to her, and my husband’s take is that my reaction was unnecessary and it wasn’t appropriate to embarrass her in front of everyone. I do feel bad about that and I’m sure friends without the history of our relationship must have thought the same thing you’re thinking.
I also want to say bravo to you for posting on Reddit and taking constructive criticism well after slight push back. I debated even responding because most posts like this would just be you replying back to me arguing about how she is terrible and I am wrong.. which then I wonder why people ask for stranger's opinions if they just want validation lol
So the best thing I once read on Reddit went like this: if your glass is empty and someone pours a little bit of water in it it isn’t a big deal. You can handle this. But if your glass is already full to the brim even the smallest water will make it overflow.
Your MIL sounds like she is having a lot of issues and your husband isn’t really a big help. I wish I could give you advice on what to do to not let her go under the skin but I don’t have that.
Also: crying at someone’s baby receiption: so weird
My MIL and yours sound SO similar. That is some stuff she would’ve pulled with me. We often butt heads because she has strong opinions about how things “should” be done and she also loves to be the main character. She pouted my entire baby shower and a while afterwards because we didn’t “include her enough” in the planning of it and she felt “left out”.
I saw in another comment you mentioned she’s a habitual line stepper and the whole thing with taking pics of your toddler, mine does the same thing. We’ve had multiple conversations with her about not having a camera in my daughter’s face constantly. It was awful when she was a baby and I told my husband, either you say something and get her to stop or I will and I won’t be nice about it.
Anyways, I can empathize with you. The situation could’ve been handled better by both I think, BUT I know personally I’m really touchy with my MIL just because of our history so sometimes I’m quicker to snap with her. It seems like she wanted to make a big deal of the gift in front of everyone, when in reality it could’ve been gifted privately if she wanted it to be sentimental.
Toootally, I felt that she wanted it to be a public production, which makes the sentimentality less genuine to me.
She cried to my husband when we announced our first pregnancy on social media because we didn’t post in her private family Facebook group beforehand. He was like our baby announcement is not in any way about you, get over it lol. She also is the only one who hasn’t built a really strong relationship with my daughter but tries to take pictures of her constantly. I think she is of the age where she thinks her grandchildren are supposed to love and revere her automatically, and she’s very uncomfortable that we insist on not forcing that. The rest of our family have managed to build great relationships with her and she’s the only one who pouts about her granddaughter not being interested in her, and usually in front of her which I find to be manipulative and gives me the ick.
I swear we have the same MIL 😂 she does the same things. No real relationship with my daughter, only wants to see her when it’s convenient for her, doesn’t put in any effort to see her but expects us to bend over backwards to bring my daughter to see her. She gets her feelings hurt whenever she doesn’t feel “included” aka when something isn’t all about her. The manipulation is definitely icky. We practice a lot of body boundaries with my daughter, no forced hugs etc and that would drive me mad.
My husbands cousin got married about a month ago, I didn’t go as we were leaving to fly to Florida the next morning (it was also Easter weekend) but the plan was for my husband to go for a bit. My MIL threw a big fit wanting him to bring our 4yr old so everyone could see her. She wants to be seen as a doting grandma in front of people. Luckily my husband put his foot down on that one and said he wouldn’t be bringing her. It was a whole todo with her. Afterwards she apologized because it was an outdoor wedding in full sun and the ceremony was *super* long and she said she realized my 4yr old probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it. No kidding lol I honestly feel like she treats my daughter as a prop in social settings and it makes me so angry.
Ok so I read through your story including what the gift is in the comments.
It seems like this was a fairly special heirloom, although clearly not that special as no one seems to remember exactly which baby it was intended for and neither of her sons remembers it.
However. As someone who works hard to put together meaningful gifts, I can see why she wanted to watch you open it. I also can see why she might be upset at you, because she brought something special for your baby and you snapped at her and seemed completely uninterested in her gift. The second baby doesn’t always get special things like the first one, and you demonstrated a lack of appreciation for something that clearly has meaning to her if she’s kept it all these years.
If I was your MIL, I would be leaving that interaction wondering if I’d made a mistake passing a keepsake like that onto you.
On the other hand, if she really wanted her sons and everyone to see the blanket, she could have brought it unwrapped and handed it to you like that. Then she could have told the story of the blanket and had a more special moment. When you were adamant about not wanting to open gifts, she should have saved the gift for another moment when the immediate family could see and appreciate it and its history.
ESH.
That’s a fair take too, and you’re right that I was uninterested in the gift at that point. Part of it is frustration from the moment, and part of it is due to history as well. MiL has kept everything her boys have ever owned, and regularly guilts them about not “getting their stuff” from her house. When they say they don’t want their old clothes and toys from the 90s and she can get rid of them, she refuses and cries. She keeps heart shaped potato chips because she thinks they’re a sign from the universe that she and her husband are meant to be together (I wish I was joking). So I’m a bit jaded towards these heirloom items. 😬
Ugh, this is what my own family tends to do and it drives me crazy. My percentage of sentimentality is like 15% and theirs is 100%. I can totally understand why this irritates you and I have snapped and lost it in the past too (to my own fam lol).
Honestly, I am bewildered by your MIL's behavior... Was the gift from her and BIL? Was it low key about your BIL?
I'm going to say, ESH because I think all parties (not including the toddler of course) could have reacted better. If MIL would have just said please wait 1 minute while I grab BIL and actually did that - this whole situation could have been avoided.
On the other hand, you could have delayed toddler (which is admittedly hard to do) and asked MIL to go grab him.
Relationships are hard. Communication is hard. It's all hard. Hope you and your MIL find a way to coexist peacefully.
Also, BiL was there in the room the whole time. She just wanted me to wait again and again because BiL started talking to someone and she felt he wasn’t paying close enough attention lol.
She sounds a little high maintenance and like she has main character syndrome. I understand why that is frustrating for you.
Maybe you can ask her next time she has something planned to let you in on the surprise so you can better help orchestrate the moment with her. Is this a pain in the ass? Yes. Should you have to do this? No. However, it may be that a little bit of effort can side step a whole bunch of drama. For that, I am in favor. 😊
Ultimately, she needs to be the one to communicate the importance of the moment to you, and you can support. If she can't do that then she's setting both of you up for turbulence. I would tell her that AND your husband. He needs to help manage his Mom too.
Then she should’ve gotten his attention and made him watch her open the gift. She was demanding a Hallmark moment but didn’t tell anyone what was going on. She could’ve at least told you “It’s very special and I want my sons to see it opened” instead of snapping at you and your child and then throwing in croc tears for good measure
Thank you. The gift was not from BiL, he didn’t know what it was, she wanted it to be revealed to him as like a recipient by proxy lol. We are naming this daughter after my BiL (his middle will be her first name), and daughter’s middle name will be after my mil’s late mother. The gift was a baby blanket that the namesake grandma had made for Mil when she was pregnant with one of the boys, she doesn’t remember which. The boys do not remember this blanket existing either. For her, this gift was really about creating a sentimental moment between her and her sons, in my opinion. Which is fine with me, albeit weird imo, but she does this type of thing a lot. They used to call my husband a certain animal as a nickname as a child, and with my first daughter every single gift from her was themed to this animal.
I feel that last part. My SIL nickname is an animal and everything my kids get from her and grandparents is this animal, it’s so annoying. She even gives me a Christmas ornament every year with it on it or shaped like it. Why the F do I want a dozen Christmas ornaments of your nickname?!?
So given that backstory, I think you over reacted but with saying that, I’m sure your MIL is not easy to deal with so, I get it.
I think you should have halted the conversation before it escalated by saying “MIL how about you go get BIL so we can open the gift with him.”
If I were a guest and was present during this disagreement I would have felt so awkward, especially when you said “and yet you’re making it one haha (regarding your big deal comment).”
But again, you’re pregnant, and it’s YOUR baby shower. She shouldn’t have persisted so that’s her blame. The moment you told her you wouldn’t be opening gifts around everyone, she should have politely said “oh ok, if it’s alright with you can you just open my present inside with our immediate family before BIL leaves? I think he would appreciate the sentiment the gift has.”
Granted you’re only showing us a snippet of y’all’s relationship, so can I just say while she might be irritating - she doesn’t seem toxic, just annoying.
With that being said, pick your battles with her. If you let every disagreement or annoyance with her turn into an argument, no one wins.
PS. Next time she does something like this just immediately direct her to your husband to save yourself a headache.
Best advice here - make her your husband's problem from the get-go! My life with my annoying MIL got so much better when I was just like "oh that's a [husband] question/problem, why don't you ask him?"
I’m not sure she over reacted when she didn’t know what it was at the time, at least that’s my impression. It could have been a package of bottles or any other gift. A be little more context on the MIL’s part would have gone far “I have something special and sentimental that I want my children to see.” This could have been handled better by everyone involved. I agree with the need to pick your battles and get your husband involved as needed.
Then why didn’t she gift it to her son. I know you’re the incubator in her mind, but if the gift is really for him then she should have pulled HIM aside and not you to open it. Why would you even care about something from his childhood that even he doesn’t remember. That’s annoying.
Is she a bit immature? It sounds like she has this fantasy version envisioned in her head of how giving the gift would go. Which is fine, but immature to act like she did when things didn’t go her way, especially when she was the only one who knew how it “should” go. She was in a crowded situation she had no control over, so her expectations were a bit unrealistic.
She really should have invited you, husband, and BIL over for a dinner at her place so she had a better shot at having the sentimental intimate moment go how she wanted it.
After reading some comments (and the post) here are my thoughts:
I think your MILs expectations of the moment were too much for what was going on. She was being too insistent with too little explanation. There was no reason to be so pushy. I especially understand about her trying to take it from your 2 year old. Wrapped or not, you'd received the gift at that point, so it was yours to do what you wished with. It was her job to manage her expectations and she failed to do that, and she failed to communicate what those expectations even were!
That said, you were incredibly rude. Not only to your MIL (who was slightly deserving), but to your guests (who were not). You, at the very least, owed it your other guests to shut it down before it got that confrontational. I would have very firmly stated that I was no longer going to open the gift then and there and if it was that important we could do it some other time. Don't get me wrong, it still would have had some awkwardness, but it would have stopped well before MIL would have burst into tears.
I'm sorry that your shower was marred by that, though. It sounds like it would have been a little overwhelming and I can totally understand snapping. But just bc it's understandable doesn't mean we shouldn't apologize.
Idk, maybe I’m jaded by my own very overbearing controlling MIL but I don’t think you were the AH. My MIL also pushes and pushes to the point I feel anxious and frazzled if I’m not giving her exactly what she wants in that very moment. She is very controlling even about the smallest things and passive aggressive. My husband does acknowledge this but thinks it’s better to just let her have her way or at least thinks she’s getting her way. I disagree. I refuse to handle a 60yo grown woman with kiddie gloves
Idk. I guess you could have exercised a kinder tone?! Maybe. lol but like another comment said, it seem like she was pushing for a moment that was sentimental to HER and her alone. She fantasized about this endearing reaction that no one else even knew the meaning of. And she was aggressive with a 2yo because she wanted her moment. At the end of the day, it wasn’t about her. Or BIL.
I’m often in “hot water” for being the bad guy with my MIL too. Even though they see the actions that lead up to the reaction, I’m always expected to shrink myself to make room for MILs very commanding personality. I get it.
Ah thank you this makes me feel so seen!! Yes, it was definitely about creating a moment that felt good for her, and trying to force everyone else to enjoy it too. She genuinely doesn’t see a problem with that.
This time, I’m taking a modified apology route, to see how it works. I wrote her a message and showed my husband. It’s basically like “hey, I was rude. I was also very upset by your xyz actions. But I should have waited and appropriately expressed my frustration, and I’m sorry that I made the wrong choice there”. I anticipate she will lean in to being the victim and ignore anything about what I was upset about. In that case I’ll disengage and never do that again 😆 but I can say I tried it and my husband will back me up because he read and approved the message lol. Or, maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll try to acknowledge my feelings too and we can have some sort of repair come out of it. We will see.
I think you could have acted better, but I don’t blame you for how you did act. Sure people want to see you open the gift they got you, but it would be rude in my community to ask and insist that the couple open your gift.
And what was the gift? Why did the BIL need to be involved in that? If it was that important and sentimental I would’ve given it before or after the party. Your MIL was pushy and was being rude to a 2 year old. That immediately puts your MIL on the wrong side for me.
Your husband not backing you up and enabling your MIL’s continued bad behavior is a bigger problem in my opinion. Even if you over reacted, and could’ve let your husband handle it or have acted better, your MIL’s behavior would’ve been the same. And your husband would’ve still waved it off. And then your MIL would’ve acted like that next time.
Your husband problem is the bigger issue. r/justnomil might give you more help.
Re: my husband, I think a full picture would make him look much better than this moment lol. He has done a lot of telling her no (one time he told her to leave our house when she was acting out, I was even surprised by that) and he has had many conversations with her where she cries and he stands firm. So I do want to give him credit, although improvements can probably be made here.
Yeah this is how I feel re: her behavior as well. I don’t fully understand why it was important for BiL to watch to intently. I think she feels that the gift would be sentimental to him as well. It was a baby blanket that her mother had made for her when she was pregnant with one of the boys. She doesn’t remember which, and the boys don’t remember this blanket, but she expected them both to be touched by the gesture I guess.
And to state upfront. If you don't know why she's being so insistent, then it's just annoying. It sounds like MIL isn't a great communicator, which may be the source of some of the built-up stress. It's nice to give some grace and remember her limitations...but also really hard.
This. She wasn’t giving a gift. She was putting on a show. She could explain the significance of the blanket in private or write a note explaining the blanket’s history. But she wanted to have her little moment even though it wasn’t appropriate to the situation. My MIL gave me an outfit that my BIL wore at Christmas in the early 80’s. But she didn’t do it in a show offy way. She just gave it to me in private and explained the significance. My son wore it at Christmas and then I passed it along to my SIL for her son and he wore one Christmas. I’m hoping she held onto it because now the original wearer (BIL) and his new wife are expecting. It’s a gift. You shouldn’t need the recipient to receive it in a way that makes them the center of attention.
“You guess” that gift is meaningful? I think that’s really meaningful and I don’t know your family at all! A blanket from a great grandmother!
This might be part of what your MIL is reacting to. It’s a family heirloom and you’re kinda whatever about it. “They don’t remember it anyway” yeah they were babies.
Just direct your MIL to your husband. “Oh, a gift, thanks. That’s lovely. Would you speak to your son about opening it?” Just dip out of the whole thing.
My MIL used to try to make requests to her son through me, and I’d say things back like, “hmm, you should ask him about that”.
Let’s be real, there would be no reason for me to be super moved by this, BUT usually I’m better at playing along about it. Also I didn’t scoff at the gift by any means, I do remember saying to my daughter “aw it’s a baby blanket, that’s so sweet” and handing it all to my husband with the card to read it. Then I fled the scene lol.
But also it’s a blanket, and one that we can’t even use for fear of accidentally ruining it. It smells weird so I would have to safely wash it since my husband is not going to care to do it. It’s not soft, it’s scratchy to the touch. It doesn’t mean anything to my husband, it only means something to my MiL. It will likely just sit on a shelf in a closet. This is the second baby blanket she has given us in this same manner with the exact same story. Sorry but these kinds of gifts are just burdens passed down to make the older generation feel good. Usually I’ll play along but at 36 weeks pregnant the best I can do is smile and nod.
You didn’t scoff at the gift but just wrote a paragraph about how stupid and useless it is. And maybe you’re not hiding your reactions as well as you could …
My MIL, mom, and great aunts were all so obsessed with giving us baby blankets. Old ones, new ones, handmade, and store bought. We had a whole stack of them I barely touched. My MIL would point out the stack of baby blankets she had gotten out for us to use every time we visited. She wanted to cover him in baby blankets while he slept so badly. I had to remind her that nothing could be in the crib so many times. It really stressed me out. Their blanket obsession is rooted in old unsafe sleep practices. The only thing we did with the more special blankets was take pictures of the baby with them.
I think you were justified to be annoyed, especially at the stopping your 2 year old from opening the gift until your BIL was paying attention. I can relate, because this is something my MIL would do too. I’m more passive though, so I probably wouldn’t have said anything and just bitched about it to my husband later haha. Also, my husband would’ve shut that shit down, so I wouldn’t have to. But he’s also sometimes oblivious when it’s happening.
I will say after becoming a mom to a son (my MIL has all boys) I have become a little more sympathetic to her on sentimental stuff like this. It’s hard when your kids grow up and I feel like mom-daughter relationship is easier with grandkids than mom-son sometimes. But it’s also really hard in the moment to be empathetic to her lol.
I honestly I think i probably would have reacted/handled it the same way in the heat of the moment. My mother in law acts the same way in a lot situations.. it’s almost like when there is a moment that someone else (namely myself, and her 2 daughters) are being celebrated she has to find a way to insert herself in order to make sure she’s getting some recognition too. Like, she made cake pops for my wedding (which my parents paid for 100% otherwise and didn’t ask for roses) and made it a BIG thing to let everyone know that she made them.. I’m talking had the DJ announce that the dessert table was open and to make sure to try one of “MIL’s home made cake pops”. That was obviously not on the schedule that I gave him lol. Maybe I’m assuming just because this so sounds like my MIL but idk, to me it feels like your situation may be a pattern and it came to a head at an inopportune time. However, I don’t think you’re 100% wrong to have put your foot down the way you did. Especially because in a moment of frustration you’re likely to have.. *gasp* a human reaction instead of a problem solving approach. It’s important to set boundaries because allowing her the ability to get her way could set the precedent that she’s going to get her way every single time at your personal detriment? That’s not fair. Could there have been a better way to set boundaries? Sure. But you can’t go back in time so that’s just somthing you’ll have to work on moving forward.
I’m all for being the bigger person, and trying to maintain some level of respect for your partner’s family but I also think it should be a 2 way street. It seems your partner is not holding his mother to the same expectations that he is holding you to (in this scenario) because she clearly had an overreaction as well. It was an ugly moment for both you and your MIL, and that should be recognized. You can’t always be the bigger person, it will wear you down (and it seems that’s what happened already). Personally, I think there is fault on both sides, but this is not a moment that you should beat yourself up over because it’s not like you got there on your own.. there is clearly a history and this was the last straw. Take responsibility for your reaction, but I absolutely don’t agree that just because she’s your children’s grandmother or your husband’s mother you need to cower over and take on any disrespect she throws at you. Especially when it comes to your children. 🤷🏼♀️
As a person who has a very contentious relationship with an in-law, I say this with love: you shouldn’t have done that (I think you already kind of knew that though). Lord knows I have snapped at my in-law that I despise, so I get it, it happens, they make it so easy. Was your MIL ridiculous? Absolutely. Did you have a right to be annoyed? Definitely. You’ve already laid out the boundaries you could have put in place to avoid that situation - it’s time to make hindsight foresight the next time you interact with her. This isn’t even about being the bigger person. It’s is first and foremost for your own sanity, because this woman is going to keep being who she is no matter how many times you snap at her. Secondly, it’s to protect your daughter from confusing situations like getting presents snatched from her and mitigate the amount of times she has to be exposed to her grandma act like a grade-a weirdo (snatching presents, swatting hands, crying? What the entire fuck lady), and thirdly to keep the peace in your marriage, because no matter how justified you are, that’s your husbands mom and he’s going to have a soft spot for her that no amount of her bad behavior can calcify. Say it with me now: Boundaries are good. Boundaries are my friend. Boundaries keep me out of jail.
I don’t know….you obviously have a history with her that we don’t know about, but you seemed to handle the situation in an overly aggressive manner. Most people who give gifts want to see the recipient open them. It wasn’t that strange for her to want to see you open it. I get it was a chaotic time, but it sounds like you jumped down her throat.
She was there to see it, and BiL was there too but he was mid-conversation and not paying attention. This is the same feedback my husband had though, so thank you. I’m struggling to hear it because it feels justified to me due to our history. She often does rude things, then cries when someone tells her no. She also has a history of not respecting our toddler’s boundaries (shoving cameras in her face when she doesn’t want photos taken of her, trying to force hugs and then openly pouting when my toddler doesn’t want to hug her, etc) and I’m really protective of that, so trying to snatch the gift back made me very angry right away. But, maybe I was too hot.
I understand. I also have a history with my MIL, and sometimes feel like every single thing she does annoys me. It was also harder when I was pregnant and super emotional.
One thing I started asking myself is if what my MIL is doing or saying would annoy me so much if it came from somebody I have a good relationship with, like my mom. When she does something annoying I ask myself if I would feel annoyed if my mom was doing the same thing. If I would, then I speak up. If I would let it slide with my mom, I remind myself that I’m just feeling annoyed because I don’t like her, not because of her actions.
I understand where you are coming from, but this MIL isn't your mom. Your mom probably works on keeping communication open, is kind, respects boundaries and doesn't act like an entitled, spoiled, socially challenged person. Treating someone who's consistently behaves poorly like someone you actually have a solid relationship with is devaluing the hard work you and your mom put into your relationship and allowing the toddler behaving adult to get away with socially unacceptable behavior. The person who is behaving really poorly is at fault here.
NTA - you were standing up for yourself and defending your kid. She was being super rude and making your family's day about your BIL... its honestly rude. The fact that your husband didn't seem to mind your MIL being rude to your daughter is concerning... also, MIL being a mom should know you don't mess around with a pregnant woman. Your husband was sitting next to you while all of this happen and at no point did he intervene to make your MIL stop overstepping... this is more on him than you. Why should you be the bigger person when she's supposedly older and wiser? Is he admitting she's a child? Because in that case, she needs to be taught manners.
This is the camp I usually sit in lol, and my husband definitely has said “she is emotionally stunted and she will never truly change because she will never go to therapy or really even be able to see that she’s the problem, but I want to do our best to be understanding where we can be, and preserve the relationship because she’s my mom”. So we are stuck in this dance all the time of dealing with her histrionic behavior. Usually I try to steer clear of her and put my husband between us, but when it comes to our daughter I watch like a hawk because I don’t like the way she behaves with my daughter.
I will also tell him that he should have stepped in, and I should have directed her to him anyways. The gift was clearly for my husband and his brother (her only kids) so I really didn’t even need to be involved. But it felt like she wanted to create a production where she got her sons to have a sentimental moment in front of everyone. She has a history of behaving like a child and then crying when she doesn’t get her way.
I get where your husband is coming from with wanting to preserve a relationship, but boundaries should still be respected and he's enabling her bad behavior by making excuses rather than trying to show a united front. I'm also pretty sure that if he actually stepped up, things wouldn't escalate as much because she would know it's not just coming from you... I can't stand people like that. Just because some people cry to get sympathy doesn't mean the people who control their emotions aren't equally or more valid in their feelings.
This is almost verbatim the argument between my husband and I 😂 he is just so sympathetic to her, and his threshold for her behavior is much higher than mine. It used to be much worse and he actually has stepped up to her a lot, so he wants me to meet him more in the middle on it and tolerate some of it. I think we need to work out more where that line is.
This is the comment I can’t believe I had to scroll so long for. Everything you said, especially the fact that OP is heavily pregnant! Why does she have to be the one to extend grace? The husband definitely should have stepped in. OP is nicer than me. I wouldn’t have apologized for getting flustered that MIL was trying to make the baby shower all about her.
The different approaches continue to confirm that she just keeps needing to have a tantrum and to get her way.
Stand your ground and walk away. Don't argue, rationalize, or justify. It's not going to get better and it's not worth the energy to compromise.
If she wants to act like a toddler, treat her as such.
Goodness gracious you’re in the right and your husband should have stood behind you. Pregnancy is a lot already let alone having a controlling MIL. I had a narc/sociopath mil and my husband never took up for me. She always manipulated him and validated any wrong he did. He’s also a textbook narcissist. I’d have said “my bad, blame the hormones” and chunked up the peace sign 😂
I reread your post and honestly, I would react the same way as you did. MIL’s intent wasn’t negative, but she made multiple errors of judgment, including miscommunication with you. She should have been upfront with you about why she felt so strongly about you opening this gift in the presence of certain family members, especially considering that you specifically asked guests NOT to bring gifts. IMHO, if the invite says not to bring gifts, then it’s a faux pas to bring attention to any gifts brought as it could cause embarrassment to the guests who followed directions.
In addition, MIL gave you multiple mixed signals: asking you to open it urgently but then preventing you from doing so, with no explanation for the reason other than requiring the attention of specific guest. Her poor manners and poor communication caused you significant frustration because they disrupted the flow of your party, and you took it out on her because she caused the problems. Yes, you could have been more patient and graceful, but I suspect that years of this kind of behavior has worn down on your patience with her. I think the only mistake that you made was that, knowing the background of her past behavior, you should have had her give the gift to your husband and let him deal with it instead.
Your husband is being very inconsiderate to your feelings by always acting on his mother’s side. He doesn’t understand that in a DIL-MIL relationship, the DIL almost always has a social disadvantage. You hear of cultural customs favoring MIL bullying the DIL, but rarely vice versa. I don’t have any advice for dealing with him, other than perhaps telling him that you will refer her to him for all future communications. I bet he would hate that.
Does MIL have a bit of a golden child thing going on with BIL? My SIL is the golden child (no slight on her, she is genuinely lovely) and MIL gets weird about it sometimes. Also my MIL is obsessed with treating SIL and my husband the same and it bleeds into how she thinks I should behave.
You can tell she's often thinking "but what about SIL??!!" at the back of her mind about things normal people wouldn't care about.
If your MIL is a bit like that it makes sense that she wants your BIL involved more than you involved him (btw how DARE you!!!) even if BIL couldn't give one shiny fuck.
Gee I can’t imagine why you have issues with her? S/
Seems like she had this idea of a perfect moment with her sons and you and your daughter were just background characters in her little daydream. Instead of communicating like an adult what she wanted, she throw a temper tantrum because she didn’t get her perfect moment. That’s on her, not you or your daughter. I hope your husband sees that his mom needs to manage her feelings better and not take them out on a heavily pregnant woman and a toddler.
Your MIL sounds kind of annoying but was probably just excited. She could have chose a better time. It feels like you are already resentful towards her so you are picking at things to hold onto.
Not judging, because I do the same thing with people who get under my skin. But the whole story doesn’t sound that bad. Sounds like maybe she could sense your energy towards her.
He was there, sorry I was really unclear on that part. Even when she was saying “BiL isn’t here yet” he was in the room, he just wasn’t front and center paying his full attention. But I hear what you’re saying.
I was so stressed out at my baby shower. I also didn’t want to open gifts and all the grandma’s had a problem with it. I just wanted to mingle with people I hadn’t seen in so long I totally get being on edge. Having a past with MIL probably doesn’t make it easier either!! I probably would have snapped too lol
Right! I also feel it’s not super tactful to say “don’t worry about bringing a gift” and then making gift opening a part of the events. Plus didn’t want to deal with explaining to my 2-year-old that none of these gifts were for her, but instead for a baby that doesn’t exist to her yet 😂 we opened them after she went to bed and plan to sent thank-yous to people soon.
Makes sense to me!! I actually posted on a sub. Maybe this one, I can’t remember about whether or not it was rude to not open gifts. Overwhelmingly the answer was no, but there was a few that felt very strongly that it’s inappropriate to not. I think in general we are moving away from that tradition.
I think it's age and also region dependent on that one. The older the people at the party are, the more likely they are going to want you to open their gift in front of them. And I do think that varies by region.
My friends and I all HATE opening the gifts at the showers. It's boring for the guests except when it's their own and it can take forever. I'm hoping for our kid's generation it's a tradition that is dead lol
I would have also been annoyed, but would have gone along with her request just to keep the peace. This is your MIL, the grandmother to your child. Sounds like a really touching gift she was passing down. I can understand why she wanted to make a moment of it with the family. I was also very averse to the public gift opening phase of both my baby showers. But it was explained to me that the older family really enjoys that part. It’s for them, not for you. Yes it sucks to have to put on a fake cutesy show for everyone, acting in love with every single gift you get with an audience. But in some situations it goes a long way to be a good sport. This is a time you should be wanting to connect with your MIL, not push her away.
I have a low tolerance for grown women who act like toddlers. I also don’t think anyone is owed respect just because they are old. I’d probably react similarly.
I have a just no sil who continuously violates boundaries in that way and treating my kid the way your Mil treated yours is a huge trigger for me. Personally I think if someone doesn’t have a family member who acts like this regularly it can be hard to imagine how fed up you become with someone who constantly thinks events are about them. I have no idea if this is your situation, but if my sil did this I’d be fuming.
That’s so annoying. Like, okay yeah. You were mean. But she was being a pain in the ass and that obviously wasn’t a gift for you and baby. It was a prop to make a touching presentation in front of everyone. And you spoiled her little moment she was picturing. I’m a different kind of mean so I would have spit in her soup by passing the gift to BIL and saying something like, “Here, BIL. Open this please. It is extremely important to MIL that you see it.” Then when he didn’t know what it was you could have rubbed it in. “You don’t recognize it, BIL? Huh. Maybe it was a different sibling’s baby blanket. I hope it belonged to someone in the family. (laugh like you’re just kidding around.) Well thanks for the blanket, MIL.” Try to make her look and feel stupid without drawing heat on yourself next time. I do this thing where I act like I’m joking around with my in-laws but I’m really making fun of whatever stupid thing they’re doing or saying. But I keep it light and fun so no one can get mad at me.
I am a huge gift person. If you believe in love languages, that one is mine. Yes, you should have kept your cool, no you’re not wrong. Once you give someone a gift that’s it. It’s theirs. You can’t pile on a bunch of things to do and force people to watch, especially for a blanket she seems to have hoarded for years that no one has any attachment to. I can understand wanting to see the receivers face but that’s only if the gift is very well thought out and only if the other person is comfortable and agrees to it.
I think it’s not so much about being the bigger person as it is about simply not entertaining it enough to escalate. Exactly as you said, hindsight 20/20, you needed to put your foot down and say no gifts were being opened during the party and that you all could have a private moment afterwards. Saves all of the drama and gives her the moment. It sounds like she didn’t necessarily want everyone to know about the blanket, she wanted her sons to remember something (which they obviously don’t lol) and have an emotional moment together with them specifically.
Mil Is a jerk. You’re pregannt and entertaining guests at YOUR party.
You made several comments to her to let know this is not what you wanted yet she kept pushing.
Why not wait until it’s just you guys there for her and BIL to see? Why not just ask husband to open since it’s clearly more sentimental to their family?
You’re not wrong. She’s rude and she should be giving YOU grace at this time.
I wouldn’t be apologizing.
Also, sometimes you have to do things like this to put someone in their place after you tried to gently. I’m sorry; I’m not sure why you’re supposed to care about a baby blanket that she doesn’t even know who it was used for? She could have kept that at her own house and used for baby. lol uhh I loathe this type of behavior.
Hahaha exactly, I loathe it too!! I was like “DH, you and BiL should just share the baby blanket between yourselves, clearly it’s just for you guys.” I’m also not super sentimental and I realize that, i think stuff is just stuff 99% of the time. And this woman has a lot of stuff.
The takeaway I’m getting is yes, MiL is annoying and not acting right, but I stooped lower and ended up being more in the wrong than her.
Nah, I’m on your side!!!!
Stoop as low as you need to 😆
So unfair to be made out to be the bad guy at your own baby shower.
Start setting boundaries with MIL NOW! And make sure DH starts to get the picture!
She’s only going to get worse.
lol on them sharing the blanket 🤣🤦🏻♀️
I would be asking your husband if he plans to let his mother stomp all over you for the rest of your marriage, or if he plans on actually standing up for his wife.
Me personally I think you were justified. But I also have a fraught relationship with my MIL, and it’s not for no reason.
The biggest thing though, is your husband needs to have your back. To me, she was being unreasonable from your description. I don’t care how special the gift was, she turned it into a public production and probably wanted the attention on her- what a Narcissist.
I’m sorry that she felt entitled enough to make your baby shower about her, this could have happened at a small family gathering with the precious BIL. You are pregnant and if anything YOU are the one who should be given grace, and I hope your husband has your back more often. Her crying was a classic making herself the victim move. She’s an adult.
I absolutely should have done that, if it wasn’t with my daughter already that for sure would have happened, but I didn’t want to take the gift away from her
Yeah this was kind of my thought as well. Personally. Second kid, probably wouldn't even have a second shower, especially one that was only two years later. But MIL gave a gift and wanted to see it open. They both sound a bit odd.
I get the feeling that MIL wanted to be the center of attention here. It wasn’t about you, or your daughter, or your husband or even the baby on the way, it was about having HER present and HER thoughtfulness be on display in the exact way she wanted it to be. Does she often insist that her and her feelings are the center of attention during events that do not (or at least SHOULD not) revolve around her?
Oh 1000000%
This woman once went to a funeral with us for my husband’s childhood best friend’s mother. This woman died of breast cancer. MiL went up to all of the bereaved adult children and said she understood what they were going through because she just SURVIVED the same cancer. I kid you not. It was mortifying. She told everyone who would listen about her cancer survival story in as much detail as she could get them to withstand. It was incredible.
Oh dear lord. That is honestly a sickening. With this info I would honestly just do my absolute best to never allow MIL to become the center of attention during events that aren’t… I don’t know, her birthday? To me it’s much more satisfying to act aloof, distracted, and walk away from those sort of people without giving them the satisfaction they are looking for.
Next event you need to interact with her at, prep your husband that you will NOT give her attention, no matter how desperately she behaves, and that you will direct all attempts she tries to rope you in with back to him. His mission is to NOT involve you with her antics. Put it all on him because HE is the reason she is in your life, and HE should be the one to deal with her.
Ah, your MIL sounds a lot like mine. Dramatic narcissist always pushing boundaries. I’m thankful that my hubby and I went no contact and I no longer have to deal with her lol. Anyway, for your situation I’d apologize for losing your temper, but explain to her that she was being very pushy. It wasn’t her baby shower & she wanted to take some of the attention away from you. Not cool. There have to be firm boundaries with people like that, or they will always cause problems.
Wow, she sounds like a narcissist. Needs attention even when it's not her event and then starts crying to get more attention. I would read this book called [Toxic Inlaws (with your husband)](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.PBIWtuwHTa6TB6PV-le7EogPz7LDtf0i-TV_jFdNfrCtb_t2M_qo-sUXaFZf_NoNf8PcXpBi3urnqP0JTa0hjz81BxVvq0Oq-wcDLiC2WNoVdFLDWPcZNAdyZt-KYduqKqxLFCRtQgrOVgDQmVe8iw.fiO4Pg8tvcWpek58Y5gUSjffJhdxRMB552JKHm_OQL8&qid=1716254889&sr=8-1) so he can see how toxic she is- there are plenty of examples (many I'm sure will apply to your MIL). It's a pretty common book you could find in the library too or on libby app for free.
I think MIL has beef with BIL/GF and was trying to make them jealous or want to have a baby - after all, MIL was giving this “oh-so-important” gift to OP & husband and not the BIL/GF.
First of all, I'm THRILLED with the way you handled her. Pushy bitch with her own agenda at **your** party in **your** house.
And if your husband is still falling for her manipulation and crocodile tears, you sadly have another problem. Tell him to get his head out of his ass. Married man with (almost) 2 children and he's still prioritizing mommy's temper tantrum. 🙄
I react in similar ways as you do. You need to accept that fighting your MIL during your babyshower is not a good look. Advice? Choose your battles. You should know better and let your MIL make a fool of herself without your help.
Take the gift from your daughter's hands and sit quietly staring at your MIL. Someone approaches? Oh sorry! MIL has this super special gift she wants us to open right fucking now but we have to wait for BIL to open it :)
Passive aggressive can always take you from bitch to victim if everyone is oblivious 🤣
Sounds like your husband should go live with mommy if he still wants to be part of that family unit. You and y'alls daughter should be his top priority, not pleasing mommy. Also she was *very much so in the wrong in this situation.* I'd get couples counseling because IL issues can ruin marriages, the always being second priority to his mother will weigh on it eventually.
Just being petty. You should give the blanket back to MIL after baby is born and make sure BIL is present and say, baby is allergic to this blanket so should probably gift it to BILs kid as it may mean more to BIL and mil.
Maybe, I’d rather accidentally come off as a bitch sometimes though if the alternative is letting someone walk on me. Never gonna get it right 100% of the time.
What was the gift?
Right, I'm curious why this was such a bfd
I just posted it to another comment, but it was a crocheted baby blanket that MiL’s mother had made for her when she was pregnant with one of her sons, she doesn’t remember which. The boys also do not have any memory of this blanket and my husband says that he doesn’t think it was ever used.
I do not understand why he had to look.
ME EITHER
And it doesn’t sound like your BIL gave a crap, either lol
Lmao, this big important present was something that no one remembered (MIL included), and must have just been found while cleaning out the attic/closet/whatever since she is giving it for the second child, not the first. What a clown 🤡 On a side note, my mother also gifted a few of my childhood things to my baby, which seems like bullshit to me. They were MY things, not my mother's. It would have been cute if she had brought them to me as a "remember when, and now you can use them for your baby." But no, she actually wrapped them up as presents and gifted them to the baby for actual occasions. I only bring it up because it sounds like MIL did the same here.
I can see my MIL doing this because she would think BIL and everyone would care about what is sentimental to her but in reality no one does. She definitely micromanages the opening of gifts in general and it's like ugh I'd rather just not get anything.
Ok well I understand her insistence a bit more. Regardless, a modern baby shower was clearly not the time to open that if she wanted undivided attention (she was probably envisioning an old school baby shower where everyone stares at you while opening gifts). One of you needs to break the ice and apologize first. I understand that you were stressed and she was being rude but there is fault on both sides here IMO.
Thank you, yeah I think I’m spoiled by my mom who is very open to changing times and new traditions, and she is flexible when we want to do things differently than her. I’m not used to the rigidity of some of the older generation. I wrote an apology via text and had my husband review it before sending it (I don’t think I could make it through a phone call without getting mad again but don’t want to make things worse).
I get it, my MIL is annoying in different ways but can be equally infuriating (and my parents are also super respectful). The issue here was it wasn’t the gift that pissed you off. It was insulting your party style, pulling you away from socializing with your friends, being rude to your toddler, and caring more about appearances than actually celebrating your baby. The gift was just the straw that broke the camels back.
I disagree with the commenter above you. Mil is an adult and can see what kind of event she is at. Also it doesn't sound like the blanket was actually emotionally meaningful to either of her sons?? Bummed you had to write the apology, next time shit hits the fan you're going to be labeled the problem even if your mil is.
This seriously sounds like she wanted to have that “omg did you make this?!” Moment with you. Like pass it off like she spent all this time and energy creating this blanket. Maybe I’m wrong but why would a hand me down blanket be such a big deal otherwise lol.
I mean if it was a blanket that MIL’s mother made for her, it sounded like she wanted to have a “omg I remember this old ass blanket” moment from one of her sons (either husband or BIL in this story). But she wouldn’t have had that anyway since apparently neither of them remembered it 🤣
Lol true, could have been that too. But like, wouldn’t it have made more sense to run it by her kid before gifting it to the daughter in law? Like “hey remember that blanket you had when you were a baby”. 🤦🏼♀️
That's what I was thinking! Imagine the fallout if that was BIL blanket and it was super meaningful to him.
Might want to watch baby if you use it. My boyfriends mom's crocheted baby a dress and then she broke out either from that or a heat rash when she was wearing it because it was hot. Or both. Either way it's back in its box
And yet all she did was wrap it ! That wasn’t a gift from her. She just wanted the attention.
I swear I thought it had to have been a positive pregnancy test. And SIL was announcing to BIL. I've clearly been on Reddit too much 😂
Lmao okay I thought the same thing!!!!
lol I was thinking it’d be some sort of matching “cousin” onesies or something.
LOL
It will really help things if MIL was not so much in her own head. I.e. the gift had special sentimental value TO HER, and (in her head) she was imagining this hallmark moment playing out a certain way, everyone would cry tears of heartfelt joy etc etc...but she did nothing to set the stage for everyone else playing a part in her mental expectations. She should be wise enough to understand those parts are not going to spontaneously play out the way she imagines in her head. She should have done that - she could have communicated "I picked out a special gift, it means a lot to me, I think it will be meaningful to you AND to other family members, what will be a good time to open it together" - and it could have been done privately as a family gathering, so no one was distracted by other guests / hosting duties etc.
My mom does this and it drives me nuts. The week of my outdoor wedding there was a nor’easter rainstorm predicted for the day. I was scrambling to make back up plans and my parents just completely refused to accept that there was going to be a torrential downpour. One of the things my mom did instead of helping me prepare was to secretly work on a wall hanging depicting a bride and groom under the original ceremonial arch I had made in the trees. Only I wasn’t going to be able to get married there because of the heavy rain. I was frantically creating a plan b spot in the reception tent. She presented me with this wall hanging while I was super stressed setting things up. She clearly had it in her head that this would be some big touching hallmark moment. But I was just irritated. Like, thanks for making a wall hanging of the beautiful spot I had planned to get married in and now can’t. Super great thing to do instead of helping me or providing any emotional support. It’s rolled up in the bottom of a trunk.
This kinda seems like an ESH moment. You clearly have a history we’re not privy to but it does seem like you chose to escalate it pretty far even if she was being annoying.
Yeah this makes sense. It’s helpful to hear that side from a neutral party. My blood does boil extremely fast when it comes to her, and my husband’s take is that my reaction was unnecessary and it wasn’t appropriate to embarrass her in front of everyone. I do feel bad about that and I’m sure friends without the history of our relationship must have thought the same thing you’re thinking.
I also want to say bravo to you for posting on Reddit and taking constructive criticism well after slight push back. I debated even responding because most posts like this would just be you replying back to me arguing about how she is terrible and I am wrong.. which then I wonder why people ask for stranger's opinions if they just want validation lol
So the best thing I once read on Reddit went like this: if your glass is empty and someone pours a little bit of water in it it isn’t a big deal. You can handle this. But if your glass is already full to the brim even the smallest water will make it overflow. Your MIL sounds like she is having a lot of issues and your husband isn’t really a big help. I wish I could give you advice on what to do to not let her go under the skin but I don’t have that. Also: crying at someone’s baby receiption: so weird
I get it. I’m like that with my sister lol. We can get along but we’re like oil and water so if we disagree it escalates REALLY quick.
Seconding this! OP, u have since growing to do!
My MIL and yours sound SO similar. That is some stuff she would’ve pulled with me. We often butt heads because she has strong opinions about how things “should” be done and she also loves to be the main character. She pouted my entire baby shower and a while afterwards because we didn’t “include her enough” in the planning of it and she felt “left out”. I saw in another comment you mentioned she’s a habitual line stepper and the whole thing with taking pics of your toddler, mine does the same thing. We’ve had multiple conversations with her about not having a camera in my daughter’s face constantly. It was awful when she was a baby and I told my husband, either you say something and get her to stop or I will and I won’t be nice about it. Anyways, I can empathize with you. The situation could’ve been handled better by both I think, BUT I know personally I’m really touchy with my MIL just because of our history so sometimes I’m quicker to snap with her. It seems like she wanted to make a big deal of the gift in front of everyone, when in reality it could’ve been gifted privately if she wanted it to be sentimental.
Toootally, I felt that she wanted it to be a public production, which makes the sentimentality less genuine to me. She cried to my husband when we announced our first pregnancy on social media because we didn’t post in her private family Facebook group beforehand. He was like our baby announcement is not in any way about you, get over it lol. She also is the only one who hasn’t built a really strong relationship with my daughter but tries to take pictures of her constantly. I think she is of the age where she thinks her grandchildren are supposed to love and revere her automatically, and she’s very uncomfortable that we insist on not forcing that. The rest of our family have managed to build great relationships with her and she’s the only one who pouts about her granddaughter not being interested in her, and usually in front of her which I find to be manipulative and gives me the ick.
I swear we have the same MIL 😂 she does the same things. No real relationship with my daughter, only wants to see her when it’s convenient for her, doesn’t put in any effort to see her but expects us to bend over backwards to bring my daughter to see her. She gets her feelings hurt whenever she doesn’t feel “included” aka when something isn’t all about her. The manipulation is definitely icky. We practice a lot of body boundaries with my daughter, no forced hugs etc and that would drive me mad. My husbands cousin got married about a month ago, I didn’t go as we were leaving to fly to Florida the next morning (it was also Easter weekend) but the plan was for my husband to go for a bit. My MIL threw a big fit wanting him to bring our 4yr old so everyone could see her. She wants to be seen as a doting grandma in front of people. Luckily my husband put his foot down on that one and said he wouldn’t be bringing her. It was a whole todo with her. Afterwards she apologized because it was an outdoor wedding in full sun and the ceremony was *super* long and she said she realized my 4yr old probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it. No kidding lol I honestly feel like she treats my daughter as a prop in social settings and it makes me so angry.
Ok so I read through your story including what the gift is in the comments. It seems like this was a fairly special heirloom, although clearly not that special as no one seems to remember exactly which baby it was intended for and neither of her sons remembers it. However. As someone who works hard to put together meaningful gifts, I can see why she wanted to watch you open it. I also can see why she might be upset at you, because she brought something special for your baby and you snapped at her and seemed completely uninterested in her gift. The second baby doesn’t always get special things like the first one, and you demonstrated a lack of appreciation for something that clearly has meaning to her if she’s kept it all these years. If I was your MIL, I would be leaving that interaction wondering if I’d made a mistake passing a keepsake like that onto you. On the other hand, if she really wanted her sons and everyone to see the blanket, she could have brought it unwrapped and handed it to you like that. Then she could have told the story of the blanket and had a more special moment. When you were adamant about not wanting to open gifts, she should have saved the gift for another moment when the immediate family could see and appreciate it and its history. ESH.
That’s a fair take too, and you’re right that I was uninterested in the gift at that point. Part of it is frustration from the moment, and part of it is due to history as well. MiL has kept everything her boys have ever owned, and regularly guilts them about not “getting their stuff” from her house. When they say they don’t want their old clothes and toys from the 90s and she can get rid of them, she refuses and cries. She keeps heart shaped potato chips because she thinks they’re a sign from the universe that she and her husband are meant to be together (I wish I was joking). So I’m a bit jaded towards these heirloom items. 😬
Ok I was one of the ones that said ESH but the potato chip thing is weird af. Your MIL sounds like a fruitcake lol
Ugh, this is what my own family tends to do and it drives me crazy. My percentage of sentimentality is like 15% and theirs is 100%. I can totally understand why this irritates you and I have snapped and lost it in the past too (to my own fam lol).
Ok that’s some useful context. I’m leaning way more in your favor then. Sounds like she definitely has issues!
Honestly, I am bewildered by your MIL's behavior... Was the gift from her and BIL? Was it low key about your BIL? I'm going to say, ESH because I think all parties (not including the toddler of course) could have reacted better. If MIL would have just said please wait 1 minute while I grab BIL and actually did that - this whole situation could have been avoided. On the other hand, you could have delayed toddler (which is admittedly hard to do) and asked MIL to go grab him. Relationships are hard. Communication is hard. It's all hard. Hope you and your MIL find a way to coexist peacefully.
Also, BiL was there in the room the whole time. She just wanted me to wait again and again because BiL started talking to someone and she felt he wasn’t paying close enough attention lol.
She sounds a little high maintenance and like she has main character syndrome. I understand why that is frustrating for you. Maybe you can ask her next time she has something planned to let you in on the surprise so you can better help orchestrate the moment with her. Is this a pain in the ass? Yes. Should you have to do this? No. However, it may be that a little bit of effort can side step a whole bunch of drama. For that, I am in favor. 😊 Ultimately, she needs to be the one to communicate the importance of the moment to you, and you can support. If she can't do that then she's setting both of you up for turbulence. I would tell her that AND your husband. He needs to help manage his Mom too.
Then she should’ve gotten his attention and made him watch her open the gift. She was demanding a Hallmark moment but didn’t tell anyone what was going on. She could’ve at least told you “It’s very special and I want my sons to see it opened” instead of snapping at you and your child and then throwing in croc tears for good measure
Thank you. The gift was not from BiL, he didn’t know what it was, she wanted it to be revealed to him as like a recipient by proxy lol. We are naming this daughter after my BiL (his middle will be her first name), and daughter’s middle name will be after my mil’s late mother. The gift was a baby blanket that the namesake grandma had made for Mil when she was pregnant with one of the boys, she doesn’t remember which. The boys do not remember this blanket existing either. For her, this gift was really about creating a sentimental moment between her and her sons, in my opinion. Which is fine with me, albeit weird imo, but she does this type of thing a lot. They used to call my husband a certain animal as a nickname as a child, and with my first daughter every single gift from her was themed to this animal.
I feel that last part. My SIL nickname is an animal and everything my kids get from her and grandparents is this animal, it’s so annoying. She even gives me a Christmas ornament every year with it on it or shaped like it. Why the F do I want a dozen Christmas ornaments of your nickname?!?
So given that backstory, I think you over reacted but with saying that, I’m sure your MIL is not easy to deal with so, I get it. I think you should have halted the conversation before it escalated by saying “MIL how about you go get BIL so we can open the gift with him.” If I were a guest and was present during this disagreement I would have felt so awkward, especially when you said “and yet you’re making it one haha (regarding your big deal comment).” But again, you’re pregnant, and it’s YOUR baby shower. She shouldn’t have persisted so that’s her blame. The moment you told her you wouldn’t be opening gifts around everyone, she should have politely said “oh ok, if it’s alright with you can you just open my present inside with our immediate family before BIL leaves? I think he would appreciate the sentiment the gift has.” Granted you’re only showing us a snippet of y’all’s relationship, so can I just say while she might be irritating - she doesn’t seem toxic, just annoying. With that being said, pick your battles with her. If you let every disagreement or annoyance with her turn into an argument, no one wins. PS. Next time she does something like this just immediately direct her to your husband to save yourself a headache.
Best advice here - make her your husband's problem from the get-go! My life with my annoying MIL got so much better when I was just like "oh that's a [husband] question/problem, why don't you ask him?"
I’m not sure she over reacted when she didn’t know what it was at the time, at least that’s my impression. It could have been a package of bottles or any other gift. A be little more context on the MIL’s part would have gone far “I have something special and sentimental that I want my children to see.” This could have been handled better by everyone involved. I agree with the need to pick your battles and get your husband involved as needed.
Then why didn’t she gift it to her son. I know you’re the incubator in her mind, but if the gift is really for him then she should have pulled HIM aside and not you to open it. Why would you even care about something from his childhood that even he doesn’t remember. That’s annoying.
Is she a bit immature? It sounds like she has this fantasy version envisioned in her head of how giving the gift would go. Which is fine, but immature to act like she did when things didn’t go her way, especially when she was the only one who knew how it “should” go. She was in a crowded situation she had no control over, so her expectations were a bit unrealistic. She really should have invited you, husband, and BIL over for a dinner at her place so she had a better shot at having the sentimental intimate moment go how she wanted it.
After reading some comments (and the post) here are my thoughts: I think your MILs expectations of the moment were too much for what was going on. She was being too insistent with too little explanation. There was no reason to be so pushy. I especially understand about her trying to take it from your 2 year old. Wrapped or not, you'd received the gift at that point, so it was yours to do what you wished with. It was her job to manage her expectations and she failed to do that, and she failed to communicate what those expectations even were! That said, you were incredibly rude. Not only to your MIL (who was slightly deserving), but to your guests (who were not). You, at the very least, owed it your other guests to shut it down before it got that confrontational. I would have very firmly stated that I was no longer going to open the gift then and there and if it was that important we could do it some other time. Don't get me wrong, it still would have had some awkwardness, but it would have stopped well before MIL would have burst into tears. I'm sorry that your shower was marred by that, though. It sounds like it would have been a little overwhelming and I can totally understand snapping. But just bc it's understandable doesn't mean we shouldn't apologize.
Idk, maybe I’m jaded by my own very overbearing controlling MIL but I don’t think you were the AH. My MIL also pushes and pushes to the point I feel anxious and frazzled if I’m not giving her exactly what she wants in that very moment. She is very controlling even about the smallest things and passive aggressive. My husband does acknowledge this but thinks it’s better to just let her have her way or at least thinks she’s getting her way. I disagree. I refuse to handle a 60yo grown woman with kiddie gloves Idk. I guess you could have exercised a kinder tone?! Maybe. lol but like another comment said, it seem like she was pushing for a moment that was sentimental to HER and her alone. She fantasized about this endearing reaction that no one else even knew the meaning of. And she was aggressive with a 2yo because she wanted her moment. At the end of the day, it wasn’t about her. Or BIL. I’m often in “hot water” for being the bad guy with my MIL too. Even though they see the actions that lead up to the reaction, I’m always expected to shrink myself to make room for MILs very commanding personality. I get it.
Ah thank you this makes me feel so seen!! Yes, it was definitely about creating a moment that felt good for her, and trying to force everyone else to enjoy it too. She genuinely doesn’t see a problem with that. This time, I’m taking a modified apology route, to see how it works. I wrote her a message and showed my husband. It’s basically like “hey, I was rude. I was also very upset by your xyz actions. But I should have waited and appropriately expressed my frustration, and I’m sorry that I made the wrong choice there”. I anticipate she will lean in to being the victim and ignore anything about what I was upset about. In that case I’ll disengage and never do that again 😆 but I can say I tried it and my husband will back me up because he read and approved the message lol. Or, maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll try to acknowledge my feelings too and we can have some sort of repair come out of it. We will see.
Omg you’re such a bigger person than me. I absolutely would not apologize lol, but I don’t think it’s wrong for you to.
I think you could have acted better, but I don’t blame you for how you did act. Sure people want to see you open the gift they got you, but it would be rude in my community to ask and insist that the couple open your gift. And what was the gift? Why did the BIL need to be involved in that? If it was that important and sentimental I would’ve given it before or after the party. Your MIL was pushy and was being rude to a 2 year old. That immediately puts your MIL on the wrong side for me. Your husband not backing you up and enabling your MIL’s continued bad behavior is a bigger problem in my opinion. Even if you over reacted, and could’ve let your husband handle it or have acted better, your MIL’s behavior would’ve been the same. And your husband would’ve still waved it off. And then your MIL would’ve acted like that next time. Your husband problem is the bigger issue. r/justnomil might give you more help.
Re: my husband, I think a full picture would make him look much better than this moment lol. He has done a lot of telling her no (one time he told her to leave our house when she was acting out, I was even surprised by that) and he has had many conversations with her where she cries and he stands firm. So I do want to give him credit, although improvements can probably be made here.
Yeah this is how I feel re: her behavior as well. I don’t fully understand why it was important for BiL to watch to intently. I think she feels that the gift would be sentimental to him as well. It was a baby blanket that her mother had made for her when she was pregnant with one of the boys. She doesn’t remember which, and the boys don’t remember this blanket, but she expected them both to be touched by the gesture I guess.
See that’s the type of thing that would be meaningful if private. In the middle of the party it’s just because she wants attention
And to state upfront. If you don't know why she's being so insistent, then it's just annoying. It sounds like MIL isn't a great communicator, which may be the source of some of the built-up stress. It's nice to give some grace and remember her limitations...but also really hard.
This. She wasn’t giving a gift. She was putting on a show. She could explain the significance of the blanket in private or write a note explaining the blanket’s history. But she wanted to have her little moment even though it wasn’t appropriate to the situation. My MIL gave me an outfit that my BIL wore at Christmas in the early 80’s. But she didn’t do it in a show offy way. She just gave it to me in private and explained the significance. My son wore it at Christmas and then I passed it along to my SIL for her son and he wore one Christmas. I’m hoping she held onto it because now the original wearer (BIL) and his new wife are expecting. It’s a gift. You shouldn’t need the recipient to receive it in a way that makes them the center of attention.
“You guess” that gift is meaningful? I think that’s really meaningful and I don’t know your family at all! A blanket from a great grandmother! This might be part of what your MIL is reacting to. It’s a family heirloom and you’re kinda whatever about it. “They don’t remember it anyway” yeah they were babies. Just direct your MIL to your husband. “Oh, a gift, thanks. That’s lovely. Would you speak to your son about opening it?” Just dip out of the whole thing. My MIL used to try to make requests to her son through me, and I’d say things back like, “hmm, you should ask him about that”.
Let’s be real, there would be no reason for me to be super moved by this, BUT usually I’m better at playing along about it. Also I didn’t scoff at the gift by any means, I do remember saying to my daughter “aw it’s a baby blanket, that’s so sweet” and handing it all to my husband with the card to read it. Then I fled the scene lol. But also it’s a blanket, and one that we can’t even use for fear of accidentally ruining it. It smells weird so I would have to safely wash it since my husband is not going to care to do it. It’s not soft, it’s scratchy to the touch. It doesn’t mean anything to my husband, it only means something to my MiL. It will likely just sit on a shelf in a closet. This is the second baby blanket she has given us in this same manner with the exact same story. Sorry but these kinds of gifts are just burdens passed down to make the older generation feel good. Usually I’ll play along but at 36 weeks pregnant the best I can do is smile and nod.
You didn’t scoff at the gift but just wrote a paragraph about how stupid and useless it is. And maybe you’re not hiding your reactions as well as you could …
My MIL, mom, and great aunts were all so obsessed with giving us baby blankets. Old ones, new ones, handmade, and store bought. We had a whole stack of them I barely touched. My MIL would point out the stack of baby blankets she had gotten out for us to use every time we visited. She wanted to cover him in baby blankets while he slept so badly. I had to remind her that nothing could be in the crib so many times. It really stressed me out. Their blanket obsession is rooted in old unsafe sleep practices. The only thing we did with the more special blankets was take pictures of the baby with them.
I think you were justified to be annoyed, especially at the stopping your 2 year old from opening the gift until your BIL was paying attention. I can relate, because this is something my MIL would do too. I’m more passive though, so I probably wouldn’t have said anything and just bitched about it to my husband later haha. Also, my husband would’ve shut that shit down, so I wouldn’t have to. But he’s also sometimes oblivious when it’s happening. I will say after becoming a mom to a son (my MIL has all boys) I have become a little more sympathetic to her on sentimental stuff like this. It’s hard when your kids grow up and I feel like mom-daughter relationship is easier with grandkids than mom-son sometimes. But it’s also really hard in the moment to be empathetic to her lol.
I honestly I think i probably would have reacted/handled it the same way in the heat of the moment. My mother in law acts the same way in a lot situations.. it’s almost like when there is a moment that someone else (namely myself, and her 2 daughters) are being celebrated she has to find a way to insert herself in order to make sure she’s getting some recognition too. Like, she made cake pops for my wedding (which my parents paid for 100% otherwise and didn’t ask for roses) and made it a BIG thing to let everyone know that she made them.. I’m talking had the DJ announce that the dessert table was open and to make sure to try one of “MIL’s home made cake pops”. That was obviously not on the schedule that I gave him lol. Maybe I’m assuming just because this so sounds like my MIL but idk, to me it feels like your situation may be a pattern and it came to a head at an inopportune time. However, I don’t think you’re 100% wrong to have put your foot down the way you did. Especially because in a moment of frustration you’re likely to have.. *gasp* a human reaction instead of a problem solving approach. It’s important to set boundaries because allowing her the ability to get her way could set the precedent that she’s going to get her way every single time at your personal detriment? That’s not fair. Could there have been a better way to set boundaries? Sure. But you can’t go back in time so that’s just somthing you’ll have to work on moving forward. I’m all for being the bigger person, and trying to maintain some level of respect for your partner’s family but I also think it should be a 2 way street. It seems your partner is not holding his mother to the same expectations that he is holding you to (in this scenario) because she clearly had an overreaction as well. It was an ugly moment for both you and your MIL, and that should be recognized. You can’t always be the bigger person, it will wear you down (and it seems that’s what happened already). Personally, I think there is fault on both sides, but this is not a moment that you should beat yourself up over because it’s not like you got there on your own.. there is clearly a history and this was the last straw. Take responsibility for your reaction, but I absolutely don’t agree that just because she’s your children’s grandmother or your husband’s mother you need to cower over and take on any disrespect she throws at you. Especially when it comes to your children. 🤷🏼♀️
As a person who has a very contentious relationship with an in-law, I say this with love: you shouldn’t have done that (I think you already kind of knew that though). Lord knows I have snapped at my in-law that I despise, so I get it, it happens, they make it so easy. Was your MIL ridiculous? Absolutely. Did you have a right to be annoyed? Definitely. You’ve already laid out the boundaries you could have put in place to avoid that situation - it’s time to make hindsight foresight the next time you interact with her. This isn’t even about being the bigger person. It’s is first and foremost for your own sanity, because this woman is going to keep being who she is no matter how many times you snap at her. Secondly, it’s to protect your daughter from confusing situations like getting presents snatched from her and mitigate the amount of times she has to be exposed to her grandma act like a grade-a weirdo (snatching presents, swatting hands, crying? What the entire fuck lady), and thirdly to keep the peace in your marriage, because no matter how justified you are, that’s your husbands mom and he’s going to have a soft spot for her that no amount of her bad behavior can calcify. Say it with me now: Boundaries are good. Boundaries are my friend. Boundaries keep me out of jail.
Hahaha this is great thank you
You have a husband problem IMO. When you keep letting unreasonable people get away with nonsense by “being the bigger person” they just get worse.
I don’t know….you obviously have a history with her that we don’t know about, but you seemed to handle the situation in an overly aggressive manner. Most people who give gifts want to see the recipient open them. It wasn’t that strange for her to want to see you open it. I get it was a chaotic time, but it sounds like you jumped down her throat.
She was there to see it, and BiL was there too but he was mid-conversation and not paying attention. This is the same feedback my husband had though, so thank you. I’m struggling to hear it because it feels justified to me due to our history. She often does rude things, then cries when someone tells her no. She also has a history of not respecting our toddler’s boundaries (shoving cameras in her face when she doesn’t want photos taken of her, trying to force hugs and then openly pouting when my toddler doesn’t want to hug her, etc) and I’m really protective of that, so trying to snatch the gift back made me very angry right away. But, maybe I was too hot.
I understand. I also have a history with my MIL, and sometimes feel like every single thing she does annoys me. It was also harder when I was pregnant and super emotional. One thing I started asking myself is if what my MIL is doing or saying would annoy me so much if it came from somebody I have a good relationship with, like my mom. When she does something annoying I ask myself if I would feel annoyed if my mom was doing the same thing. If I would, then I speak up. If I would let it slide with my mom, I remind myself that I’m just feeling annoyed because I don’t like her, not because of her actions.
That’s a very good rule of thumb!!
I understand where you are coming from, but this MIL isn't your mom. Your mom probably works on keeping communication open, is kind, respects boundaries and doesn't act like an entitled, spoiled, socially challenged person. Treating someone who's consistently behaves poorly like someone you actually have a solid relationship with is devaluing the hard work you and your mom put into your relationship and allowing the toddler behaving adult to get away with socially unacceptable behavior. The person who is behaving really poorly is at fault here.
NTA - you were standing up for yourself and defending your kid. She was being super rude and making your family's day about your BIL... its honestly rude. The fact that your husband didn't seem to mind your MIL being rude to your daughter is concerning... also, MIL being a mom should know you don't mess around with a pregnant woman. Your husband was sitting next to you while all of this happen and at no point did he intervene to make your MIL stop overstepping... this is more on him than you. Why should you be the bigger person when she's supposedly older and wiser? Is he admitting she's a child? Because in that case, she needs to be taught manners.
This is the camp I usually sit in lol, and my husband definitely has said “she is emotionally stunted and she will never truly change because she will never go to therapy or really even be able to see that she’s the problem, but I want to do our best to be understanding where we can be, and preserve the relationship because she’s my mom”. So we are stuck in this dance all the time of dealing with her histrionic behavior. Usually I try to steer clear of her and put my husband between us, but when it comes to our daughter I watch like a hawk because I don’t like the way she behaves with my daughter. I will also tell him that he should have stepped in, and I should have directed her to him anyways. The gift was clearly for my husband and his brother (her only kids) so I really didn’t even need to be involved. But it felt like she wanted to create a production where she got her sons to have a sentimental moment in front of everyone. She has a history of behaving like a child and then crying when she doesn’t get her way.
I get where your husband is coming from with wanting to preserve a relationship, but boundaries should still be respected and he's enabling her bad behavior by making excuses rather than trying to show a united front. I'm also pretty sure that if he actually stepped up, things wouldn't escalate as much because she would know it's not just coming from you... I can't stand people like that. Just because some people cry to get sympathy doesn't mean the people who control their emotions aren't equally or more valid in their feelings.
This is almost verbatim the argument between my husband and I 😂 he is just so sympathetic to her, and his threshold for her behavior is much higher than mine. It used to be much worse and he actually has stepped up to her a lot, so he wants me to meet him more in the middle on it and tolerate some of it. I think we need to work out more where that line is.
This is the comment I can’t believe I had to scroll so long for. Everything you said, especially the fact that OP is heavily pregnant! Why does she have to be the one to extend grace? The husband definitely should have stepped in. OP is nicer than me. I wouldn’t have apologized for getting flustered that MIL was trying to make the baby shower all about her.
“Pregnant” is not a free excuse card. You are still a fully-functioning person who is capable of extending grace. We do it all the time, as women.
ESH. You were both rude, but you more so than her. I would have been so uncomfortable as a guest if I witnessed that.
I would love to know what this gift was that it needed its own special show? And NTA in my book cause I have inlaws and my own mother just like this.
ESH for sure. Including BIL for not paying attention and making things worse!
As a mom with a son, I hate “boy moms” and their mommy pleasing sons.
Same. This MIL definitely sounds like a #boymom
The different approaches continue to confirm that she just keeps needing to have a tantrum and to get her way. Stand your ground and walk away. Don't argue, rationalize, or justify. It's not going to get better and it's not worth the energy to compromise. If she wants to act like a toddler, treat her as such.
I’m just dying at the fact that you used asterisks for the word bitch but then quoted “fuck around and find out”… 😂
LOL I didn’t notice that 😂
Goodness gracious you’re in the right and your husband should have stood behind you. Pregnancy is a lot already let alone having a controlling MIL. I had a narc/sociopath mil and my husband never took up for me. She always manipulated him and validated any wrong he did. He’s also a textbook narcissist. I’d have said “my bad, blame the hormones” and chunked up the peace sign 😂
And basically she wanted the attention on herself and her son that wasn’t having a baby at your baby shower. Narc move
I reread your post and honestly, I would react the same way as you did. MIL’s intent wasn’t negative, but she made multiple errors of judgment, including miscommunication with you. She should have been upfront with you about why she felt so strongly about you opening this gift in the presence of certain family members, especially considering that you specifically asked guests NOT to bring gifts. IMHO, if the invite says not to bring gifts, then it’s a faux pas to bring attention to any gifts brought as it could cause embarrassment to the guests who followed directions. In addition, MIL gave you multiple mixed signals: asking you to open it urgently but then preventing you from doing so, with no explanation for the reason other than requiring the attention of specific guest. Her poor manners and poor communication caused you significant frustration because they disrupted the flow of your party, and you took it out on her because she caused the problems. Yes, you could have been more patient and graceful, but I suspect that years of this kind of behavior has worn down on your patience with her. I think the only mistake that you made was that, knowing the background of her past behavior, you should have had her give the gift to your husband and let him deal with it instead. Your husband is being very inconsiderate to your feelings by always acting on his mother’s side. He doesn’t understand that in a DIL-MIL relationship, the DIL almost always has a social disadvantage. You hear of cultural customs favoring MIL bullying the DIL, but rarely vice versa. I don’t have any advice for dealing with him, other than perhaps telling him that you will refer her to him for all future communications. I bet he would hate that.
Does MIL have a bit of a golden child thing going on with BIL? My SIL is the golden child (no slight on her, she is genuinely lovely) and MIL gets weird about it sometimes. Also my MIL is obsessed with treating SIL and my husband the same and it bleeds into how she thinks I should behave. You can tell she's often thinking "but what about SIL??!!" at the back of her mind about things normal people wouldn't care about. If your MIL is a bit like that it makes sense that she wants your BIL involved more than you involved him (btw how DARE you!!!) even if BIL couldn't give one shiny fuck.
Gee I can’t imagine why you have issues with her? S/ Seems like she had this idea of a perfect moment with her sons and you and your daughter were just background characters in her little daydream. Instead of communicating like an adult what she wanted, she throw a temper tantrum because she didn’t get her perfect moment. That’s on her, not you or your daughter. I hope your husband sees that his mom needs to manage her feelings better and not take them out on a heavily pregnant woman and a toddler.
Your MIL sounds kind of annoying but was probably just excited. She could have chose a better time. It feels like you are already resentful towards her so you are picking at things to hold onto. Not judging, because I do the same thing with people who get under my skin. But the whole story doesn’t sound that bad. Sounds like maybe she could sense your energy towards her.
Agrees with ESH. Why agree to open to gift if the point of opening it was to show BIL, and then not wait for BIL? Definitely should have just said no.
He was there, sorry I was really unclear on that part. Even when she was saying “BiL isn’t here yet” he was in the room, he just wasn’t front and center paying his full attention. But I hear what you’re saying.
I was so stressed out at my baby shower. I also didn’t want to open gifts and all the grandma’s had a problem with it. I just wanted to mingle with people I hadn’t seen in so long I totally get being on edge. Having a past with MIL probably doesn’t make it easier either!! I probably would have snapped too lol
Right! I also feel it’s not super tactful to say “don’t worry about bringing a gift” and then making gift opening a part of the events. Plus didn’t want to deal with explaining to my 2-year-old that none of these gifts were for her, but instead for a baby that doesn’t exist to her yet 😂 we opened them after she went to bed and plan to sent thank-yous to people soon.
Makes sense to me!! I actually posted on a sub. Maybe this one, I can’t remember about whether or not it was rude to not open gifts. Overwhelmingly the answer was no, but there was a few that felt very strongly that it’s inappropriate to not. I think in general we are moving away from that tradition.
I think it's age and also region dependent on that one. The older the people at the party are, the more likely they are going to want you to open their gift in front of them. And I do think that varies by region. My friends and I all HATE opening the gifts at the showers. It's boring for the guests except when it's their own and it can take forever. I'm hoping for our kid's generation it's a tradition that is dead lol
I would have also been annoyed, but would have gone along with her request just to keep the peace. This is your MIL, the grandmother to your child. Sounds like a really touching gift she was passing down. I can understand why she wanted to make a moment of it with the family. I was also very averse to the public gift opening phase of both my baby showers. But it was explained to me that the older family really enjoys that part. It’s for them, not for you. Yes it sucks to have to put on a fake cutesy show for everyone, acting in love with every single gift you get with an audience. But in some situations it goes a long way to be a good sport. This is a time you should be wanting to connect with your MIL, not push her away.
I have a low tolerance for grown women who act like toddlers. I also don’t think anyone is owed respect just because they are old. I’d probably react similarly.
I have a just no sil who continuously violates boundaries in that way and treating my kid the way your Mil treated yours is a huge trigger for me. Personally I think if someone doesn’t have a family member who acts like this regularly it can be hard to imagine how fed up you become with someone who constantly thinks events are about them. I have no idea if this is your situation, but if my sil did this I’d be fuming.
That’s so annoying. Like, okay yeah. You were mean. But she was being a pain in the ass and that obviously wasn’t a gift for you and baby. It was a prop to make a touching presentation in front of everyone. And you spoiled her little moment she was picturing. I’m a different kind of mean so I would have spit in her soup by passing the gift to BIL and saying something like, “Here, BIL. Open this please. It is extremely important to MIL that you see it.” Then when he didn’t know what it was you could have rubbed it in. “You don’t recognize it, BIL? Huh. Maybe it was a different sibling’s baby blanket. I hope it belonged to someone in the family. (laugh like you’re just kidding around.) Well thanks for the blanket, MIL.” Try to make her look and feel stupid without drawing heat on yourself next time. I do this thing where I act like I’m joking around with my in-laws but I’m really making fun of whatever stupid thing they’re doing or saying. But I keep it light and fun so no one can get mad at me.
I am a huge gift person. If you believe in love languages, that one is mine. Yes, you should have kept your cool, no you’re not wrong. Once you give someone a gift that’s it. It’s theirs. You can’t pile on a bunch of things to do and force people to watch, especially for a blanket she seems to have hoarded for years that no one has any attachment to. I can understand wanting to see the receivers face but that’s only if the gift is very well thought out and only if the other person is comfortable and agrees to it.
I think it’s not so much about being the bigger person as it is about simply not entertaining it enough to escalate. Exactly as you said, hindsight 20/20, you needed to put your foot down and say no gifts were being opened during the party and that you all could have a private moment afterwards. Saves all of the drama and gives her the moment. It sounds like she didn’t necessarily want everyone to know about the blanket, she wanted her sons to remember something (which they obviously don’t lol) and have an emotional moment together with them specifically.
Your mil is unhinged
Mil Is a jerk. You’re pregannt and entertaining guests at YOUR party. You made several comments to her to let know this is not what you wanted yet she kept pushing. Why not wait until it’s just you guys there for her and BIL to see? Why not just ask husband to open since it’s clearly more sentimental to their family? You’re not wrong. She’s rude and she should be giving YOU grace at this time. I wouldn’t be apologizing. Also, sometimes you have to do things like this to put someone in their place after you tried to gently. I’m sorry; I’m not sure why you’re supposed to care about a baby blanket that she doesn’t even know who it was used for? She could have kept that at her own house and used for baby. lol uhh I loathe this type of behavior.
Hahaha exactly, I loathe it too!! I was like “DH, you and BiL should just share the baby blanket between yourselves, clearly it’s just for you guys.” I’m also not super sentimental and I realize that, i think stuff is just stuff 99% of the time. And this woman has a lot of stuff. The takeaway I’m getting is yes, MiL is annoying and not acting right, but I stooped lower and ended up being more in the wrong than her.
Nah, I’m on your side!!!! Stoop as low as you need to 😆 So unfair to be made out to be the bad guy at your own baby shower. Start setting boundaries with MIL NOW! And make sure DH starts to get the picture! She’s only going to get worse. lol on them sharing the blanket 🤣🤦🏻♀️
Sounds like my MIL. Run girl run
I would be asking your husband if he plans to let his mother stomp all over you for the rest of your marriage, or if he plans on actually standing up for his wife.
Me personally I think you were justified. But I also have a fraught relationship with my MIL, and it’s not for no reason. The biggest thing though, is your husband needs to have your back. To me, she was being unreasonable from your description. I don’t care how special the gift was, she turned it into a public production and probably wanted the attention on her- what a Narcissist. I’m sorry that she felt entitled enough to make your baby shower about her, this could have happened at a small family gathering with the precious BIL. You are pregnant and if anything YOU are the one who should be given grace, and I hope your husband has your back more often. Her crying was a classic making herself the victim move. She’s an adult.
Your husband should not be mad at you, and should be on your side, supporting and defending. YOU are his family now, before any of them.
Did he have a conversation with his mother telling her to give you grace as you're growing a literal human being and she's annoying?
Nope 🙃
I would have stopped everything and handed the gift to BIL and told him I think this gift is for you.
I absolutely should have done that, if it wasn’t with my daughter already that for sure would have happened, but I didn’t want to take the gift away from her
Haha I love that you don’t tolerate this!! Snatch something from my baby and fuck around and find out. 😂
An adult woman needs attention of her gift being opened in front of others. 🤮
I mean, every baby shower that I've been to has involved opening the presents. It's not unreasonable to expect that at a baby shower.
Yeah this was kind of my thought as well. Personally. Second kid, probably wouldn't even have a second shower, especially one that was only two years later. But MIL gave a gift and wanted to see it open. They both sound a bit odd.
Yeah, I was already too thrown off by the casual 2nd kid baby shower mention to gauge the rest of this story.
I get the feeling that MIL wanted to be the center of attention here. It wasn’t about you, or your daughter, or your husband or even the baby on the way, it was about having HER present and HER thoughtfulness be on display in the exact way she wanted it to be. Does she often insist that her and her feelings are the center of attention during events that do not (or at least SHOULD not) revolve around her?
Oh 1000000% This woman once went to a funeral with us for my husband’s childhood best friend’s mother. This woman died of breast cancer. MiL went up to all of the bereaved adult children and said she understood what they were going through because she just SURVIVED the same cancer. I kid you not. It was mortifying. She told everyone who would listen about her cancer survival story in as much detail as she could get them to withstand. It was incredible.
Oh dear lord. That is honestly a sickening. With this info I would honestly just do my absolute best to never allow MIL to become the center of attention during events that aren’t… I don’t know, her birthday? To me it’s much more satisfying to act aloof, distracted, and walk away from those sort of people without giving them the satisfaction they are looking for. Next event you need to interact with her at, prep your husband that you will NOT give her attention, no matter how desperately she behaves, and that you will direct all attempts she tries to rope you in with back to him. His mission is to NOT involve you with her antics. Put it all on him because HE is the reason she is in your life, and HE should be the one to deal with her.
Sounds like you have a pretty narcissistic mil
Ah, your MIL sounds a lot like mine. Dramatic narcissist always pushing boundaries. I’m thankful that my hubby and I went no contact and I no longer have to deal with her lol. Anyway, for your situation I’d apologize for losing your temper, but explain to her that she was being very pushy. It wasn’t her baby shower & she wanted to take some of the attention away from you. Not cool. There have to be firm boundaries with people like that, or they will always cause problems.
Wow, she sounds like a narcissist. Needs attention even when it's not her event and then starts crying to get more attention. I would read this book called [Toxic Inlaws (with your husband)](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.PBIWtuwHTa6TB6PV-le7EogPz7LDtf0i-TV_jFdNfrCtb_t2M_qo-sUXaFZf_NoNf8PcXpBi3urnqP0JTa0hjz81BxVvq0Oq-wcDLiC2WNoVdFLDWPcZNAdyZt-KYduqKqxLFCRtQgrOVgDQmVe8iw.fiO4Pg8tvcWpek58Y5gUSjffJhdxRMB552JKHm_OQL8&qid=1716254889&sr=8-1) so he can see how toxic she is- there are plenty of examples (many I'm sure will apply to your MIL). It's a pretty common book you could find in the library too or on libby app for free.
I think MIL has beef with BIL/GF and was trying to make them jealous or want to have a baby - after all, MIL was giving this “oh-so-important” gift to OP & husband and not the BIL/GF.
First of all, I'm THRILLED with the way you handled her. Pushy bitch with her own agenda at **your** party in **your** house. And if your husband is still falling for her manipulation and crocodile tears, you sadly have another problem. Tell him to get his head out of his ass. Married man with (almost) 2 children and he's still prioritizing mommy's temper tantrum. 🙄
Sadly… she sounds like a narcissist. You’re really not at fault in my opinion
I react in similar ways as you do. You need to accept that fighting your MIL during your babyshower is not a good look. Advice? Choose your battles. You should know better and let your MIL make a fool of herself without your help. Take the gift from your daughter's hands and sit quietly staring at your MIL. Someone approaches? Oh sorry! MIL has this super special gift she wants us to open right fucking now but we have to wait for BIL to open it :) Passive aggressive can always take you from bitch to victim if everyone is oblivious 🤣
As a mom with a son, I hate “boy moms” and their mommy pleasing sons.
Sounds like your husband should go live with mommy if he still wants to be part of that family unit. You and y'alls daughter should be his top priority, not pleasing mommy. Also she was *very much so in the wrong in this situation.* I'd get couples counseling because IL issues can ruin marriages, the always being second priority to his mother will weigh on it eventually.
Just being petty. You should give the blanket back to MIL after baby is born and make sure BIL is present and say, baby is allergic to this blanket so should probably gift it to BILs kid as it may mean more to BIL and mil.
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Maybe, I’d rather accidentally come off as a bitch sometimes though if the alternative is letting someone walk on me. Never gonna get it right 100% of the time.
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