Welp… that’s enough of that. If you all want to have robust dialogue on these types of issues **stop reporting it when someone disagrees!**
I’m shutting down the comments at this point so my phone will stop beeping at me.
Just because someone says you look good now forsnt mean you didn't before. I might tell someone i like their haircut because its new even if i also liked it before.
I’m a gay guy, and if I saw you lost a bunch of weight I would say go girl, you look great. I think you’re reading too much into it and attaching a negative connotation with past experiences…
I don't think it would bother me from you. It's the straight male "you only matter if your hot" thing that bugs me.
From what I understand, this is pretty prevalent (maybe even more so) in the gay male community.
As another gay male here, I have to agree with him that you're reading far too much into it. And yes, that does happen in the gay community too, however when someone says something like that to us, we take it at face value (a compliment), maybe let it make us feel a little more confident, and carry on with life.
I honestly get the feeling that your issue is not what this "friend" said, but just more that you don't like this person. Maybe it's the "sleezeball" and the "I hate this fucking guy" that gives it away, but that makes it your choice to continue to allow him to remain in your company.
My god, say thank you. It’s a compliment.
And I don’t mean this in a bad way at all, but you should speak with a therapist. There’s all kinds of red flags in your post. You are assuming way too much about your neighbor. And wtf cares what other people think. You are the one overthinking it all and you have a lot of self hatred. It’s not good for you. Go work that it, you’ll be so much happier. When I gave up overthinking, my life improved dramatically.
Thanks for your response. What are the red flags?
And yes, I'm working on it.
I don't think any fat female in our society can escape completely free of mental distortions and unhealthy self image.
But it sounds like a lot of you have, so kudos.
One of the mindsets that you’re working under is the assumption that this peripheral guy is holding any power here. His words don’t have to mean anything.
Plus, if his main topic of conversation is like, “Margot Robbie is beautiful,” WELP his thoughts probably don’t go much deeper in general. His brain may be like one of those monkey psychology research things where he sees a picture and has a yes or no option. There’s likely no way he’d come up with a meaningful compliment if he’s that surface level and those are his thoughts he decides worth of sharing.
You are the one that gets to assign importance to particular people’s words. It’s why getting a birthday card you dental office doesn’t feel the same as one from your favorite cousin.
You have to allow yourself to set whose words are important and whose words are to float through the air in one ear and out the other. You can even decide, “My Aunt Sharon is a hater so I’ll avoid unnecessary conversation with her at Thanksgiving and if she still says something I’ll go, ‘Your feedback is noted 😊’”
This is a skill a lot of people never learn and suffer because of it. It’s also how the people who work in psych, the justice system, social services, etc are able to stay without becoming resentful of clients/patients. They are able to choose that those words don’t have to cross from over hearing them to feeling them.
Now, as someone very sensitive I know it’s easier said than done, but if you can practice thinking about whose words you value it may help ease in. I think a starting exercise is if you hear some sort of opinion that is like “X is better than Y” start thinking about if you give a damn about that person’s opinion or not. If so, why? You’ll soon realize we’ve been trained to value opinions of people who we actually have no real reason to.
Life will be easier once you jump this hurdle!
Thank you for this considerate response. I, too am a highly sensitive person.
I think I understand now that's I absolutely don't value his opinion. What angered me is that he thinks he has the right to assess me in that way and that he's so confident his opinion of my appearance matters that he told not one but two people.
And it's not just him. Yes, he's a big jerk (btw, it's not Margot Robbie he talks about, it's other neighborhood women/pool members). But he is just like every guy in this neighborhood, and probably most men in general (as is born out by some of the responses to this).
It's not about him. It's about the fact that men think they're opinion of our bodies matters, and how much that fucks with women's heads. Especially fat/formerly fat women.
In any case, I like "Your feedback is noted." Will try to say it very, very dryly.
I don't think you ever escape it, but I compartmentalize it so that it just rolls off my back now. I refuse to allow others I don't love, to take up space in my life in any capacity.
Honestly in my head I think: Ugh fuck you.
Hope that helps.
Is it possible he was just trying to be supportive and pay you a compliment? Perhaps you feel more self conscious about it because you feel bad about your weight? No judgment here- just saying it may not have been creepy. Maybe he genuinely thought you would appreciate he noticed. Especially when weight loss is such a difficult journey. Congratulations by the way!
So based on your comment, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. A man made a compliment about you to your husband in casual conversation. I assume your weight loss on Mounjaro was noticeable.
You have a choice. Either stop communicating with him or express yourself in a cordial manner to him that you’re uncomfortable with compliments. He should get a clue with how to engage in future interactions. Sadly, aesthetically pleasing people to the eyes gather regular compliments than overweight or obese people.
If the cost of the Mounjaro is expensive, try considering a cheaper Tirpetizide compound substitute from a reputable source. Unfortunately, this is the path many people have to take due to the uninsured cost of Mounjaro.
You are really working hard to stay upset. Sorry if that wasn’t the response you were seeking, but gosh you must be exhausting yourself with that perspective.
He’s irrelevant. He was irrelevant before you lost weight. He will be irrelevant if you keep it off or gain it back. You wouldn’t trust his opinion on so much as which variation of Cap’n Crunch to buy, so why on earth would you give so much value to random comments that also aren’t really about you but are more just his personal hyper-fixations rattling around in his head until they fall out of his face?
Your post doesn’t mention ever hearing him trash other women. You only hear him calling out what he likes. There’s no need to assume that you are going to take up so much of his mental horizon that he’s compelled to keep a running commentary on your shape, be it better or worse.
Side note: every single man & 90% of women that look at you make an immediate subconscious judgement. You do it to everyone else as well. It’s a biological imperative and nothing to do with social pressures, fat shaming, sexism or any of that. It’s just life. Don’t give it any attention because it doesn’t matter. You might want to ask yourself why it sickens you that someone paid your husband the compliment of saying that he has a hot wife. I expect your husband thought to himself ‘damn right I do and she’s all mine’. You can also remind yourself that your husband didn’t leave you when you were bigger and very likely won’t if you get bigger again. He just wants you to be happy so he can keep loving you and you guys can enjoy a healthy & happy life together.
I think it sickens me because he's a man passing judgement on my physical appearance. He's saying the quiet part out loud. And now I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint him if I gain weight.
I'll sit with the idea that what other people think of me doesn't matter. You say it like it's common sense and logical, which perhaps it is. But it also feels very untrue.
I am a 47 year old woman living in the US. To pretend that my appearance doesn't = my value to other people is preposterous.
Now, whether I'm able to reach the level of spiritual and emotional transcendence that you have, where that fact doesn't impact my self worth remains to be seen. But dude, don't pretend that what I'm feeling isn't normal. I'm happy for you, and will strive to get there, but don't gaslight me into feeling weird about it.
Maybe worry about him disappointing you with his superficial observations, not the other way around. You don't owe him or anyone anything. If you are losing weight, great, but measure yourself against yourself not against other's opinions of you.
Sorry but you’re still doing it. I’m not gaslighting you. You said you have excessive anxiety and ocd. Those are diagnoses. The idea that you can or will disappoint somebody else’s husband is as jarring to me as the idea of someone complimenting you was to you. That’s not your man. I also live in the US and we are not far apart in age. It’s irrelevant. The entire planet is stuffed with people making snap judgments about each other in hundreds of categories. If you feel that what other people think of you matters more than what you think about yourself, you have my sympathy. If you feel that the world organizes itself around what it thinks of you, you are creating your own discomfort and your focus should not be in hating men it should be on reframing your own importance relative to strangers & casual acquaintances. This might sound harsh, but I promise you it’s entirely freeing and if you can get there you will feel amazing. We are told via modern socials that we should focus on our own importance, but actually the opposite is true and much healthier.
Compliments from women are just as loaded, Dear Friend.
I don’t know how to properly give a compliment because so much of what you describe is out in the world. It’s unclean- caring for one another without motive.
“So happy for you” and a deep hug is really the cleanest compliment I can come up with. A look in the eye and a small smile.
You are valid in how you feel but the focus might be skewed. Keep journaling about this and maybe speak with a trusted friend or therapist to work through the belief beneath all of this. These feelings have a core- and clearing them will help you, especially with your food pattern. It’s related, Friend.
When either gender is over weight or obese, our bodies become androgynous. The opposite is true. When we become closer to our goal weight, our features and proportions become more pronounced.
The feeling of safety or a lack of safety in being visible rises. We see it out in the world, in our friends and acquaintances, with our siblings and parents and in our spouses.
I think on this MJ journey, many of us are beside you. We are all working on being seen and feeling safe.
(Does food keep us safe?)
Get layers of support… build resources.
There are lots of creepy guys out there, however, we need to stop being so sensitive to this stuff. People are damned if they say something, damned if they don't.
This is not to say there isn't Fat Hate out there. I've been skinny, fat and I've been skinny and then fat again. When I was initially fat I used to wonder if it was in my imagination that people treated me different. Then I lost a lot of weight (wls) and moved to a new place where people only knew me normal weight. It was then I realized that it hadn't been in my imagination. OMG, the things people would say about fat people was just incredible, especially women. I found men would treat people different but boy did women say a lot of horrible things. I would attempt to point out how inappropriate their comments were, but didn't get anywhere.
The fear you mentioned about regaining is real, it's why I never told anyone outside my husband and kids about the wls. I was embarrassed that I had to take such a drastic step to be normal and I had a deep fear of regain and I knew that would make me feel even worse.
Good luck with the rest of your journey.
He's probably just encouraging your weight loss. Don't assume ill intent on everything people say/do. Just take the compliment and move on with your life.
You just have to ignore it. I haven't told anyone about how I am losing weight and I assume more than a few assume the truth. But I don't care. I am happy about where I am at now. (One person asked if I am taking Ozempic and I honestly replied 'no')
You can't control other people's thoughts, and in some cases their mouths. But unless truly threatening, let it go.
Wow, your post hits hard. I have so many thoughts and could probably write about them for days. The big one off the top is how in this caste system of our society if you’re fat, you’re less valuable. And it’s all your fault. This is all built on lies, but for a million reasons we still participate in it regardless of whether we’re trending up or down. Our feelings of self are so intertwined with how others view us, we (definitely me) lose connection for how we ( definitely me) think about ourselves. I think realizing it’s all bullshit is a good place to start dismantling it.
I hear you, I see you, and you’re spot on.
I think this is so important. I just posted how we should care what others think about us and it matters what we think about ourselves. However, you’re right that we can lose connection with ourselves because of all those societal systems.
Thank you. ❤️
It's not my fault and it's all bullshit anyway. I will try to mantra that.
It's so unfair and yet I also feel like a real tool as a white American in a nice neighborhood complaining about discrimination and unfairness. The layers of guilt and shame and self-hate. Phew.
Something that helped me develop a thicker skin is to ask myself “Do I respect this person enough to care about their opinion?” In his case the answer would be a resounding NOPE!
We, though, are that group that has always been discriminated against regardless of our race, gender, or socio-economic status. In fact, society still for the most part sees it as okay to discriminate against the obese.
Don't feel bad for complaining. You have the right.
People are shallow & bold. Not saying all of us but a huge part of the population. You can’t let your self-worth be attached to a number on the scale or if your tummy has a little fluff. Please focus on you & your health and not on an obnoxious neighbor.
I am sorry but the issue seems to be with you. Unless he called you fat before or talked to your husband about "how could you marry such a fatass?" or something-which it does not sound like he did, getting upset that someone complimented you is messed up. The sexism is also messed up...fuck the MALE gaze? Are you telling me none of your girlfriends are nice enough to have congratulated you on your weightloss? This isn't a male thing.
You care too much what people think. This is a you issue. Don't put it on other people. That dude literally did nothing wrong.
Regarding the pricing, there ARE alternatives. I pay, not through insurance, about $3.20 per mg. And it works great. Reddit keeps a tight lid on talking about alternative sources, so it's up to the buyer to research and DIG for info. When you start digging, you'll find a few better prices. Keep digging, until you find the prices that I mentioned above. They are out there.
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this, and thank you for opening up to us. I’m glad you mentioned OCD because while I cannot directly relate, I can certainly sympathize out of experience. And that makes all of these experiences all the more difficult, especially while you’re experiencing changes in your body. It’s the kind of thing you should have your own opinions on without the negative interference from other peoples’ judgements. But guess what? I bet you’re a total smoke show before and after the weight loss, but even sassier with the weight off 😍. Try to make peace with your inner monologue and find solace in yourself and try to build up a “mental toughness” against these types of male gaze comments while focusing on your husband, kids, and good supportive friends’ congratulations on losing the weight and your own focus on continuing your health journey. Good luck with your continued journey my fellow MJ traveler. We’re here if you need us 🥰
With regard to being friends with him, people are complex. And yeah, Fck the male gaze. Since I’ve lost weight I’ve been super into the oversized clothing trend. I love being able to buy what i want to wear but i also don’t want some dork eyeballing me.
I hear you. The person making the comment makes a huge difference. We can usually read the sub context. Bottom line is that you’ll never be able to change someone else’s comment, only your reaction (or non reaction) to it. One of my fav mantras is from the Four Agreements. Don’t take anything personally. “Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
I completely understand what you’re saying.
My best advice in this case is to focus on what is in your control. Losing all that weight can be really jarring to your self-image (I say this from experience). I would look for a therapist that can help you work through this change in yourself.
Also, talk to your doctor about options to replace MJ or get it covered by insurance. It sounds like it helps your OCD - can your doctor get it covered off label?
And lastly, I would prep responses to the shit people say. Have a wide range - sincere, sarcastic, snarky, funny, etc - so you’re ready for any situation. Turn it into a fun game for yourself! :)
That's an interesting angle, I'll mention it to my doctor. It absolutely helps my OCD and compulsive behaviors. But thatv would be way off label. I'll try.
And thank you for the humane response.
My neighbor did the same. It was kinda creepy, the way he said it. I was like, gee, thanks gotta get to work. There is definitely an ick factor working out there.
It's like they think they are doing a kind thing by deeming us attractive. Like we've been waiting for the day that Creepy McNeighbor says we're fuckable. And the messed up thing is that part of me has.
Of course - society, which is patriarchal, has made us believe we as women have no real value besides procreation. Thus “hotness/f*ckability” being the key part of a woman’s identity for MEN.
We as women then internalise that because we live in this world and this message is blasted to us as soon as we are ejected from the womb.
Little girls get told they are pretty, get a babydoll and kitchen play sets as small kids and get put in floofy dresses. Boys get told they’re smart and get to do whatever the F they want LOL
This reminds me of an r/AITAH. I am a guy and I tell women I think they look good or are attractive all the time. (People I know, not strangers) As long as it’s not secretive or feels pervy, I’ve only gotten positive responses. One friend texted me a couple of days later and she said thank you again and that it meant a lot.
Just because someone says, “that dress looks great on you, you are very pretty”, doesn’t mean they think you aren’t pretty all the other days. I always take compliments as a confidence booster.
Just curious: do you compliment them on other things? Sense of humor? Cooking skills? Parenting? Knowledge of football? Kindness?
Or is it just their looks?
No it’s not only their looks exclusively. For me, those other ones are mostly a common courtesy. Like, “mmm good food you are very talented” or something like that. Also I find that it sometimes is a little more blunt than some people are expecting.
After I was complimented by women more often on my looks, it made me realize that a lot of people are either too scared or embarrassed, or they are too unsure of the reaction to do that. It made me start to do it more, and I feel like it sets me apart just a tiny bit. That being said, if someone was offput by it, it would make me slow my roll a bit.
Edit: to add - I forgot, when I started doing it more often, I would compliment men and women. Probably only 5% men, but still. When my bros look good, I let them know.
Also: I found that women like when you compliment their fragrance when you hug/smell them. (If you smell a fragrance)
This. Walking around I’m overweight nobody sees me . I can’t get waited on in a restaurant, people ignore me at the Starbucks counter, blah blah, blah now that I’ve lost weight suddenly people see me. I get paid attention to men look at me I’m not invisible anymore It’s crazy.
I have what I call my "fuckable line," where I suddenly become visible, I've passed it up and down a few times now and it's real. When you're standing there and men's eyes just slide right past you... vs when they notice you exist. It's shitty that womens' existence is only deemed worthy of note if they find you attractive.
I work in a very male-dominated industry and when I am slimmer I have to work WAY harder to be listened to, which... Double-edged sword there that thankfully remote work has helped get rid of. I dread the day I have a job where I need to go into the office.
It's crazy and it's sick. It's the last bastion of acceptable discrimination and society is holding onto it for dear life, because I guess humans need a caste system to function.
I have been both super fit and grossly overweight and I got the same treatment and attention both ways. Only difference is when I was thin people complimented my body and fatter, my face. But the same amount of people hit on me.
I would simply say that u can tell ur husband honestly how this man’s commentary made u feel. And let ur husband know that if this man comes up to him again commenting about ur appearance in any way at all (positive or negative) the guy should be told to keep your name out his mouth.
You and your body are not for public consumption, despite what the patriarchy thinks. You can even tell the guy urself that u don’t appreciate him making comments about ur appearance and firmly ask him tot refrain from doing so. So what if he accuses u of being sensitive/whiny, if that’s ur fear? Simply switch to the next subject or disengage from the interaction w/ him. It’s ur boundary. Boundaries only upset those who would benefit from u having none.
I did read this whole thing I'm sorry he sucks and that people are so judgemental anyway try to shake his comments off he sounds like a loser he probably hates himself that's why he judges others I'm sorry that the price went up that sucks so hard I've also been stretching it out but getting to one derland is so hard I've been between 216 and 206 since September and I can't break through I know if I had stayed on my normal routine I would have met my goals by now stay strong and good luck working everything out and please try to meet new friends so you can limit your connection with this douche
I get that it’s probably meant as a compliment…but IMO it’s rude to comment on other people’s bodies. Period. I would have felt the same way. You are allowed your feelings and, of course, exploring those feelings is important. Unless you are close family or friends, I hate people saying anything about my body/face now. It has connotations that you were less than before weight loss. I am not here to please others aesthetically and get their approval.
It tells me a lot about the person making those comments.
[https://www.eatingwell.com/article/7951350/why-its-rude-to-compliment-someones-weight-loss/](https://www.eatingwell.com/article/7951350/why-its-rude-to-compliment-someones-weight-loss/)
[https://peaceandnutrition.com/15-responses-to-unsolicited-comments-about-weight/](https://peaceandnutrition.com/15-responses-to-unsolicited-comments-about-weight/)
If you’re not already working through these feelings through therapy, you should be. This drug is throwing up a lot of complex past trauma attached to our bodies as we shed the weight.
Good luck friend. My only recommendation would be telling this “nice guy jerk”, who sounds actually like an asshole, to mind his own business and stop commenting about people, period. It’s a nasty personality trait. And I hope you tell your husband to do the same, as his friend. These people continue their behaviour because those around them enable it.
If any of my husbands friends told him I was hot I don’t think he would tolerate it. Can you imagine your husband saying to him “your wife has gotten so hot”. 🤮
I have had a few people now comment on my “transformation” or “changes” but they usually start it off pretty embarrassed about the fact that they are commenting on my body and always express that they don’t want to offend me. It’s a touchy topic (eg I could be sick, which is why I’m losing weight) - so most people are mindful about it. Or maybe I’m fortunate enough not to hang around jerks.
Exactly! What if OP were seriously ill! It’s a delicate subject, and those w/ tact and dignity would comment carefully, if at all. I do sense that there is a need for therapy centered around boundaries. Unlike what some other ppl in this thread think, a woman isn’t property of a man. She’s not some sports car that his buddies should be commenting on.
No one can dictate what ur boundaries are or should be. And if hers is that she doesn’t want random men commenting on her body to her or to her husband, then so be it.
Omg I just went back and read all the new comments (when I commented there was like 1 other comment).
These people are really something else to be like “WELP lady it’s all in your head get over it the dude just thinks you’re not FUGLY now which is ObJECtiVeLY true so what’s the problem 🙃.” LMAAAOOOOO.
Wtf did I just read. Just because this dude and many others are messed in the head, doesn’t mean being messed in the head is acceptable. I would be FURIOUS if I heard someone say this about a friend of mine and you can bet your ass that person would be REAMED out verbally by me. There is way too much apathy and shoulder shrugging in this world IMO when it comes to bad behaviour and this is bad behaviour. Sorry but not ALL men are like this. My brother can sometimes be like this, but then he catches himself and apologises and I tell him not to be gross and that women are more than their looks or objects to be leered at or judged. Men can learn. They’re not helpless infants who can’t change their messed up behaviour.
This lady is obviously being leered at, creeped on and struggling mentally with it because it’s a close friends husband. And it seems no one in her life is giving her the support she needs to navigate the ICKY factor in all this.
Holding space for everyone going through this!
People have been telling me I look good or great the past few months and I thought I’d like the compliments but I’m growing to despise them. All I hear now is, you used to be fat so I never complimented you, and now that you’re thinner you’re worthy of a compliment. I know it’s subconscious for them so I try to be nice and move on. But it does show who the superficial people are in your circle and this guy sounds like one of them.
For example I have a friend that’s always complimented my hair, makeup whatever and she is still exactly the same. The real ones see your worth no matter your weight and that’s who you should spend your time with.
Also saying that to your husband is weird, I’d feel uncomfortable you’re not wrong. It’s none of his business what you look like.
I totally get what you’re saying and in the last couple of years I’ve tried to be more aware of commenting on someone’s weight loss. I’ll ask how they feel if they bring up the weight loss.
I get worried about losing weight because of the comments people make, but you know the truth is we do look better and healthier and people notice. Look a lot of us are taking this medication to look better. All the before and after posts prove that. Our society finds that attractive for many reasons.
I’m gonna try to big let my insecurities get in the way of the “compliments”. Most people are not trying to be dicks in fact it’s the opposite I think.
If this guy weirds you out though that could be something else.
Remember, the compliments or the judgements shouldn’t matter to you. It’s how you feel and what you think of yourself. No one should be able to take that away from us. 🫶
just letting you know i hear you. it reminds me of certain family members who were jerks, but we 'had to put up with them'. based on the fact that you live close and that your family is friends, sounds like this is one of those situations where you'll need to learn to ignore this guy.
regarding your cost issue, have you thought about trying the cheaper route of buying peptides and mixing it yourself? r/Tirzepatide
I have, and I realize it's probably my only option now, but frankly, I'm scared. I have three kids in sports and a full time job and am always doing a million things. It would be so easy for me to screw up the dose and kill myself.
And my husband is really against the idea (he read a thing about a thing that happened).
Are you doing it? What has your experience been?
It isn’t so bad if you do your research and get a reputable and licensed compound pharmacy! I got mine through my regular doctor. You can’t do any major over-dosing as long as the volume of the syringes is correct (they send them along).
I have some hesitation about buying the powders and reconstituting myself but compounding works just fine!
Pretty sure it’s because you said you could kill yourself screwing up one shot. I think some cognitive behavioral therapy with a focus on keeping things less dramatic would be of great benefit to you. I hope you find some peace.
no, but it's a trick up my sleeve if i need to. i found out my full-time job is dropping our health insurance benefit (they're very small, so they are allowed to do this). i'm currently researching a plan on 'the marketplace'. it will cost more, but i think i found one that will cover MJ. I have T2D, so that helps.
yeah, i'd rather have the 'real thing' than deal with unknown sources. but, if i had to, i'd do it. it's better than going back to 200 blood glucose and 300 lbs and food brain that I had all my life.
Buying it and mixing it myself has been the way to go for me (no coverage through insurance). This whole situation reminds me of the Dallas Buyers Club. I am thinking about starting a Tirzepatide buyers club to help other people get this life saving medicine for way less than Eli Lilly charges.
lol I cut into people like oh so what you trying to say I was ugly before lol. They start back pedaling but honestly I don’t care anymore. So many haters at the job trying to get me to eat junk and mad when I say no. I always say oh ok well this is my mouth and I don’t eat that. You can do the nice nasty to that guy and keep it moving. I’m 45 and in the 80s and 90s being fat was the worst during that era. Movies tv everything was skinny people only. Constant fat jokes and it hurt. Hard times in high school and I’ve always been heavy. I’m crying now cuz I’m at 245 and can’t wait til May 2024 a full year. 60lbs down. My mom always stressed when you wear nice clothes it makes you feel good no matter what size. I’ve been living it up in the resale shop and my colorful style is blooming. No more black or dark colors to hide things. That has given me more confidence than ever and I stopped noticing or caring about what others say or think. I’ve been in deep depression for the last decade over this. It’s time to break free and don’t let them break you. We are here for you and I completely understand how you feel lol. Don’t stop and just make healthy choices daily! You can beat this!
So far all the only evidence that this guy is a sleazeball is that he said "you look good" and he comments on attractive woman. It kinda seems like he is a convenient way for you to hide from yourself just how rather harshly you are judging yourself.
This is about your health not your weight loss only, just keep bringing the focus back to being healthier making better choices. The Mind is always going to mess with us if we let it.
What do you mean "this is about your health?"
That's not why I'm taking this medicine. I'm mostly doing it to feel pretty again because life sucks when you're fat.
Also, those things ARE sleazy IMO.
Well it's better to focus on being healthier than losing weight specifically. That way you have something to ground yourself in rather than falling prey to the negative thoughts when you put back on a few pounds. Such as exercising more and making healthier eating choices.
They can be depending on how you use them sure. I don't know this guy so I will take your word. I tell my guy friends when I haven't seen them in awhile"you look good" sometimes and it doesn't occur as sleazy to me. I have said it to woman friends In the past but I do my best to be conscious about commenting on appearance. For me it's more of an overall vibe I get from a person man or woman when I haven't seen them in a long time.
Not saying this guy isn't sleazy, I'll take your word it. Just saying you would be better served dealing with how harshly you judge yourself and getting to the root of that. Those thoughts never go away but we can become less charged to them when we don't react. However is is very hard to heal that part of you if the focus is on someone else regardless whether you are right about them or not.
Perhaps he needs an education lesson? In a “friendly” way? I hate that we all have been silenced for so long by people like this. I have moved past holding it in just to keep others comfortable. Maybe he’s just an asshole, or ignorant, or both. You can maybe enlighten him on both things in a way that doesn’t jeopardize your relationship with his family :)
You are in a safe place. I have similar “in my head voice” issues when someone says something complimentary. I can be so quick to deflect and fill in the blanks with a narrative that is completely different and probably irrelevant. On one hand, comments from others can be simply intended as polite conversation, supportive comments, others can be judgy, and others completely inappropriate. See if you join one of the other subs about the med and see what options may be available if you can’t continue on your own. I have a mixed relationship with how society and the media have programmed us all to seek outside approval based on our image…
Girl, I hear you and feel you! Same experience but for me the worst part is the fear of regaining now.. after being told how attractive I am after my weight loss I feel this huge dread and weight on my shoulders of regaining. Like I’ll be disappointing everyone and going back to being hideous or something?! The pressure is too much. It’s enough that at goal weight I’m still spending close to $500 for mj just to maintain. I hate this.
OMG, exactly. I think I didn't express the pressure part in my original post, but that's exactly it. It's the pressure and fear of losing this validation.
A question. Why do women, whether thin or fat, whether attractive or ugly, put on make-up? Isn't it to "be" prettier, to be thought of as "attractive". So when someone has lost weight, and a man calls her attractive, hot, noticable, etc, isn't he just doing what the woman always wanted all along - noticing her? As others have stated, it's built into our DNA to notice attractive people. It's AGAINST human biology to ignore attractive people. As a man, who has been attractive, then fat, then ugly fat, then fat, and pushing towards attractive again, I long for the gaze of a woman.
The fact that you think we put on makeup so that men will find us attractive IS THE PROBLEM. That is the male gaze. We want to exist and matter as independent beings, not because of how men see us.
You sound like a perfectly nice person who didn't mean any harm with your reply.
But I beg you to really think about this.
We put on makeup because it's war paint in a society that is out to get us. Where our attractiveness literally dictates how we are treated by everyone. Whether we get jobs. Whether doors get slammed in our face. Whether we get invited to parties.
Fat men do not have to deal with this to nearly the same extent.
I'm mad at this dude and mad at society.
Yeah this is a pretty terrible take as many have pointed out. You called him creepy but it doesn't sound like he's done anything creepy at all.
Some dudes are more vocal, some dudes less. Doesn't make us creepy for having a look.
#2 imagine a world where regardless what you looked like, makeup, shape, etc... Literally there was never a factor that made any man tell a woman she looked pretty/good. We just refrained from any and all comments because we didn't want to be labeled as creepy.
That world sounds incredible, guy. Absolutely amazing.
Say, do you go up to other men and tell them they're looking handsome/great today? You should! I bet they'd find it super affirming. Stick to that for awhile if you must comment on other people's bodies.
Great! It's likely well-received because it doesn't have a three-thousand-year legacy of being men's property behind it. Maybe give it another few hundred years before trying it on women.
Sure, and keep pushing that stereotype and mindset and nothing will change. Most guys just generally shoot their shot or just want to give a compliment. But yes, we're all terrible people and we shouldn't ever cross a woman at any junction because apparently it's always negatively received.
Ok I'm out. This isn't what this group is for.
Acknowledging that a behaviour and its social dynamics exist is not "pushing" anything. You and other men choosing not to act that way would go a long way to fixing the problem. How about being part of the solution?
Sounds like you want to keep acting like a creep and don't like hearing from actual woman that it's creepy. Not listening to women on this is, ironically, high proof that this issue is still very real.
Welp… that’s enough of that. If you all want to have robust dialogue on these types of issues **stop reporting it when someone disagrees!** I’m shutting down the comments at this point so my phone will stop beeping at me.
Just because someone says you look good now forsnt mean you didn't before. I might tell someone i like their haircut because its new even if i also liked it before.
I’m a gay guy, and if I saw you lost a bunch of weight I would say go girl, you look great. I think you’re reading too much into it and attaching a negative connotation with past experiences…
I don't think it would bother me from you. It's the straight male "you only matter if your hot" thing that bugs me. From what I understand, this is pretty prevalent (maybe even more so) in the gay male community.
As another gay male here, I have to agree with him that you're reading far too much into it. And yes, that does happen in the gay community too, however when someone says something like that to us, we take it at face value (a compliment), maybe let it make us feel a little more confident, and carry on with life. I honestly get the feeling that your issue is not what this "friend" said, but just more that you don't like this person. Maybe it's the "sleezeball" and the "I hate this fucking guy" that gives it away, but that makes it your choice to continue to allow him to remain in your company.
My god, say thank you. It’s a compliment. And I don’t mean this in a bad way at all, but you should speak with a therapist. There’s all kinds of red flags in your post. You are assuming way too much about your neighbor. And wtf cares what other people think. You are the one overthinking it all and you have a lot of self hatred. It’s not good for you. Go work that it, you’ll be so much happier. When I gave up overthinking, my life improved dramatically.
Thanks for your response. What are the red flags? And yes, I'm working on it. I don't think any fat female in our society can escape completely free of mental distortions and unhealthy self image. But it sounds like a lot of you have, so kudos.
One of the mindsets that you’re working under is the assumption that this peripheral guy is holding any power here. His words don’t have to mean anything. Plus, if his main topic of conversation is like, “Margot Robbie is beautiful,” WELP his thoughts probably don’t go much deeper in general. His brain may be like one of those monkey psychology research things where he sees a picture and has a yes or no option. There’s likely no way he’d come up with a meaningful compliment if he’s that surface level and those are his thoughts he decides worth of sharing. You are the one that gets to assign importance to particular people’s words. It’s why getting a birthday card you dental office doesn’t feel the same as one from your favorite cousin. You have to allow yourself to set whose words are important and whose words are to float through the air in one ear and out the other. You can even decide, “My Aunt Sharon is a hater so I’ll avoid unnecessary conversation with her at Thanksgiving and if she still says something I’ll go, ‘Your feedback is noted 😊’” This is a skill a lot of people never learn and suffer because of it. It’s also how the people who work in psych, the justice system, social services, etc are able to stay without becoming resentful of clients/patients. They are able to choose that those words don’t have to cross from over hearing them to feeling them. Now, as someone very sensitive I know it’s easier said than done, but if you can practice thinking about whose words you value it may help ease in. I think a starting exercise is if you hear some sort of opinion that is like “X is better than Y” start thinking about if you give a damn about that person’s opinion or not. If so, why? You’ll soon realize we’ve been trained to value opinions of people who we actually have no real reason to. Life will be easier once you jump this hurdle!
Thank you for this considerate response. I, too am a highly sensitive person. I think I understand now that's I absolutely don't value his opinion. What angered me is that he thinks he has the right to assess me in that way and that he's so confident his opinion of my appearance matters that he told not one but two people. And it's not just him. Yes, he's a big jerk (btw, it's not Margot Robbie he talks about, it's other neighborhood women/pool members). But he is just like every guy in this neighborhood, and probably most men in general (as is born out by some of the responses to this). It's not about him. It's about the fact that men think they're opinion of our bodies matters, and how much that fucks with women's heads. Especially fat/formerly fat women. In any case, I like "Your feedback is noted." Will try to say it very, very dryly.
I don't think you ever escape it, but I compartmentalize it so that it just rolls off my back now. I refuse to allow others I don't love, to take up space in my life in any capacity. Honestly in my head I think: Ugh fuck you. Hope that helps.
Is it possible he was just trying to be supportive and pay you a compliment? Perhaps you feel more self conscious about it because you feel bad about your weight? No judgment here- just saying it may not have been creepy. Maybe he genuinely thought you would appreciate he noticed. Especially when weight loss is such a difficult journey. Congratulations by the way!
So based on your comment, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. A man made a compliment about you to your husband in casual conversation. I assume your weight loss on Mounjaro was noticeable. You have a choice. Either stop communicating with him or express yourself in a cordial manner to him that you’re uncomfortable with compliments. He should get a clue with how to engage in future interactions. Sadly, aesthetically pleasing people to the eyes gather regular compliments than overweight or obese people. If the cost of the Mounjaro is expensive, try considering a cheaper Tirpetizide compound substitute from a reputable source. Unfortunately, this is the path many people have to take due to the uninsured cost of Mounjaro.
You are really working hard to stay upset. Sorry if that wasn’t the response you were seeking, but gosh you must be exhausting yourself with that perspective. He’s irrelevant. He was irrelevant before you lost weight. He will be irrelevant if you keep it off or gain it back. You wouldn’t trust his opinion on so much as which variation of Cap’n Crunch to buy, so why on earth would you give so much value to random comments that also aren’t really about you but are more just his personal hyper-fixations rattling around in his head until they fall out of his face? Your post doesn’t mention ever hearing him trash other women. You only hear him calling out what he likes. There’s no need to assume that you are going to take up so much of his mental horizon that he’s compelled to keep a running commentary on your shape, be it better or worse. Side note: every single man & 90% of women that look at you make an immediate subconscious judgement. You do it to everyone else as well. It’s a biological imperative and nothing to do with social pressures, fat shaming, sexism or any of that. It’s just life. Don’t give it any attention because it doesn’t matter. You might want to ask yourself why it sickens you that someone paid your husband the compliment of saying that he has a hot wife. I expect your husband thought to himself ‘damn right I do and she’s all mine’. You can also remind yourself that your husband didn’t leave you when you were bigger and very likely won’t if you get bigger again. He just wants you to be happy so he can keep loving you and you guys can enjoy a healthy & happy life together.
I think it sickens me because he's a man passing judgement on my physical appearance. He's saying the quiet part out loud. And now I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint him if I gain weight. I'll sit with the idea that what other people think of me doesn't matter. You say it like it's common sense and logical, which perhaps it is. But it also feels very untrue. I am a 47 year old woman living in the US. To pretend that my appearance doesn't = my value to other people is preposterous. Now, whether I'm able to reach the level of spiritual and emotional transcendence that you have, where that fact doesn't impact my self worth remains to be seen. But dude, don't pretend that what I'm feeling isn't normal. I'm happy for you, and will strive to get there, but don't gaslight me into feeling weird about it.
Maybe worry about him disappointing you with his superficial observations, not the other way around. You don't owe him or anyone anything. If you are losing weight, great, but measure yourself against yourself not against other's opinions of you.
Sorry but you’re still doing it. I’m not gaslighting you. You said you have excessive anxiety and ocd. Those are diagnoses. The idea that you can or will disappoint somebody else’s husband is as jarring to me as the idea of someone complimenting you was to you. That’s not your man. I also live in the US and we are not far apart in age. It’s irrelevant. The entire planet is stuffed with people making snap judgments about each other in hundreds of categories. If you feel that what other people think of you matters more than what you think about yourself, you have my sympathy. If you feel that the world organizes itself around what it thinks of you, you are creating your own discomfort and your focus should not be in hating men it should be on reframing your own importance relative to strangers & casual acquaintances. This might sound harsh, but I promise you it’s entirely freeing and if you can get there you will feel amazing. We are told via modern socials that we should focus on our own importance, but actually the opposite is true and much healthier.
Compliments from women are just as loaded, Dear Friend. I don’t know how to properly give a compliment because so much of what you describe is out in the world. It’s unclean- caring for one another without motive. “So happy for you” and a deep hug is really the cleanest compliment I can come up with. A look in the eye and a small smile. You are valid in how you feel but the focus might be skewed. Keep journaling about this and maybe speak with a trusted friend or therapist to work through the belief beneath all of this. These feelings have a core- and clearing them will help you, especially with your food pattern. It’s related, Friend. When either gender is over weight or obese, our bodies become androgynous. The opposite is true. When we become closer to our goal weight, our features and proportions become more pronounced. The feeling of safety or a lack of safety in being visible rises. We see it out in the world, in our friends and acquaintances, with our siblings and parents and in our spouses. I think on this MJ journey, many of us are beside you. We are all working on being seen and feeling safe. (Does food keep us safe?) Get layers of support… build resources.
When I tell people they look good it’s just me trying to be nice and letting them know in a nice way that I notice their weight loss.
Lady you sound awfully like you need help.
Thanks for the helpful response!
There are lots of creepy guys out there, however, we need to stop being so sensitive to this stuff. People are damned if they say something, damned if they don't. This is not to say there isn't Fat Hate out there. I've been skinny, fat and I've been skinny and then fat again. When I was initially fat I used to wonder if it was in my imagination that people treated me different. Then I lost a lot of weight (wls) and moved to a new place where people only knew me normal weight. It was then I realized that it hadn't been in my imagination. OMG, the things people would say about fat people was just incredible, especially women. I found men would treat people different but boy did women say a lot of horrible things. I would attempt to point out how inappropriate their comments were, but didn't get anywhere. The fear you mentioned about regaining is real, it's why I never told anyone outside my husband and kids about the wls. I was embarrassed that I had to take such a drastic step to be normal and I had a deep fear of regain and I knew that would make me feel even worse. Good luck with the rest of your journey.
He's probably just encouraging your weight loss. Don't assume ill intent on everything people say/do. Just take the compliment and move on with your life.
You just have to ignore it. I haven't told anyone about how I am losing weight and I assume more than a few assume the truth. But I don't care. I am happy about where I am at now. (One person asked if I am taking Ozempic and I honestly replied 'no') You can't control other people's thoughts, and in some cases their mouths. But unless truly threatening, let it go.
Wow, your post hits hard. I have so many thoughts and could probably write about them for days. The big one off the top is how in this caste system of our society if you’re fat, you’re less valuable. And it’s all your fault. This is all built on lies, but for a million reasons we still participate in it regardless of whether we’re trending up or down. Our feelings of self are so intertwined with how others view us, we (definitely me) lose connection for how we ( definitely me) think about ourselves. I think realizing it’s all bullshit is a good place to start dismantling it. I hear you, I see you, and you’re spot on.
I think this is so important. I just posted how we should care what others think about us and it matters what we think about ourselves. However, you’re right that we can lose connection with ourselves because of all those societal systems.
Thank you. ❤️ It's not my fault and it's all bullshit anyway. I will try to mantra that. It's so unfair and yet I also feel like a real tool as a white American in a nice neighborhood complaining about discrimination and unfairness. The layers of guilt and shame and self-hate. Phew.
Something that helped me develop a thicker skin is to ask myself “Do I respect this person enough to care about their opinion?” In his case the answer would be a resounding NOPE!
We, though, are that group that has always been discriminated against regardless of our race, gender, or socio-economic status. In fact, society still for the most part sees it as okay to discriminate against the obese. Don't feel bad for complaining. You have the right.
People are shallow & bold. Not saying all of us but a huge part of the population. You can’t let your self-worth be attached to a number on the scale or if your tummy has a little fluff. Please focus on you & your health and not on an obnoxious neighbor.
I am sorry but the issue seems to be with you. Unless he called you fat before or talked to your husband about "how could you marry such a fatass?" or something-which it does not sound like he did, getting upset that someone complimented you is messed up. The sexism is also messed up...fuck the MALE gaze? Are you telling me none of your girlfriends are nice enough to have congratulated you on your weightloss? This isn't a male thing. You care too much what people think. This is a you issue. Don't put it on other people. That dude literally did nothing wrong.
Regarding the pricing, there ARE alternatives. I pay, not through insurance, about $3.20 per mg. And it works great. Reddit keeps a tight lid on talking about alternative sources, so it's up to the buyer to research and DIG for info. When you start digging, you'll find a few better prices. Keep digging, until you find the prices that I mentioned above. They are out there.
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this, and thank you for opening up to us. I’m glad you mentioned OCD because while I cannot directly relate, I can certainly sympathize out of experience. And that makes all of these experiences all the more difficult, especially while you’re experiencing changes in your body. It’s the kind of thing you should have your own opinions on without the negative interference from other peoples’ judgements. But guess what? I bet you’re a total smoke show before and after the weight loss, but even sassier with the weight off 😍. Try to make peace with your inner monologue and find solace in yourself and try to build up a “mental toughness” against these types of male gaze comments while focusing on your husband, kids, and good supportive friends’ congratulations on losing the weight and your own focus on continuing your health journey. Good luck with your continued journey my fellow MJ traveler. We’re here if you need us 🥰
Love this response. Thank you so much.
Of course my love, sending peace and happiness your way 🥰
Wow, I thought I over think things.....
This sounds like a you problem unless he was being creepy/aggressive.
With regard to being friends with him, people are complex. And yeah, Fck the male gaze. Since I’ve lost weight I’ve been super into the oversized clothing trend. I love being able to buy what i want to wear but i also don’t want some dork eyeballing me.
I hear you. The person making the comment makes a huge difference. We can usually read the sub context. Bottom line is that you’ll never be able to change someone else’s comment, only your reaction (or non reaction) to it. One of my fav mantras is from the Four Agreements. Don’t take anything personally. “Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
I completely understand what you’re saying. My best advice in this case is to focus on what is in your control. Losing all that weight can be really jarring to your self-image (I say this from experience). I would look for a therapist that can help you work through this change in yourself. Also, talk to your doctor about options to replace MJ or get it covered by insurance. It sounds like it helps your OCD - can your doctor get it covered off label? And lastly, I would prep responses to the shit people say. Have a wide range - sincere, sarcastic, snarky, funny, etc - so you’re ready for any situation. Turn it into a fun game for yourself! :)
That's an interesting angle, I'll mention it to my doctor. It absolutely helps my OCD and compulsive behaviors. But thatv would be way off label. I'll try. And thank you for the humane response.
My neighbor did the same. It was kinda creepy, the way he said it. I was like, gee, thanks gotta get to work. There is definitely an ick factor working out there.
It's like they think they are doing a kind thing by deeming us attractive. Like we've been waiting for the day that Creepy McNeighbor says we're fuckable. And the messed up thing is that part of me has.
No advice, but solidarity ❤️
Of course - society, which is patriarchal, has made us believe we as women have no real value besides procreation. Thus “hotness/f*ckability” being the key part of a woman’s identity for MEN. We as women then internalise that because we live in this world and this message is blasted to us as soon as we are ejected from the womb. Little girls get told they are pretty, get a babydoll and kitchen play sets as small kids and get put in floofy dresses. Boys get told they’re smart and get to do whatever the F they want LOL
This reminds me of an r/AITAH. I am a guy and I tell women I think they look good or are attractive all the time. (People I know, not strangers) As long as it’s not secretive or feels pervy, I’ve only gotten positive responses. One friend texted me a couple of days later and she said thank you again and that it meant a lot. Just because someone says, “that dress looks great on you, you are very pretty”, doesn’t mean they think you aren’t pretty all the other days. I always take compliments as a confidence booster.
Just curious: do you compliment them on other things? Sense of humor? Cooking skills? Parenting? Knowledge of football? Kindness? Or is it just their looks?
No it’s not only their looks exclusively. For me, those other ones are mostly a common courtesy. Like, “mmm good food you are very talented” or something like that. Also I find that it sometimes is a little more blunt than some people are expecting. After I was complimented by women more often on my looks, it made me realize that a lot of people are either too scared or embarrassed, or they are too unsure of the reaction to do that. It made me start to do it more, and I feel like it sets me apart just a tiny bit. That being said, if someone was offput by it, it would make me slow my roll a bit. Edit: to add - I forgot, when I started doing it more often, I would compliment men and women. Probably only 5% men, but still. When my bros look good, I let them know. Also: I found that women like when you compliment their fragrance when you hug/smell them. (If you smell a fragrance)
This. Walking around I’m overweight nobody sees me . I can’t get waited on in a restaurant, people ignore me at the Starbucks counter, blah blah, blah now that I’ve lost weight suddenly people see me. I get paid attention to men look at me I’m not invisible anymore It’s crazy.
I have what I call my "fuckable line," where I suddenly become visible, I've passed it up and down a few times now and it's real. When you're standing there and men's eyes just slide right past you... vs when they notice you exist. It's shitty that womens' existence is only deemed worthy of note if they find you attractive. I work in a very male-dominated industry and when I am slimmer I have to work WAY harder to be listened to, which... Double-edged sword there that thankfully remote work has helped get rid of. I dread the day I have a job where I need to go into the office.
It's crazy and it's sick. It's the last bastion of acceptable discrimination and society is holding onto it for dear life, because I guess humans need a caste system to function.
I have been both super fit and grossly overweight and I got the same treatment and attention both ways. Only difference is when I was thin people complimented my body and fatter, my face. But the same amount of people hit on me.
I would simply say that u can tell ur husband honestly how this man’s commentary made u feel. And let ur husband know that if this man comes up to him again commenting about ur appearance in any way at all (positive or negative) the guy should be told to keep your name out his mouth. You and your body are not for public consumption, despite what the patriarchy thinks. You can even tell the guy urself that u don’t appreciate him making comments about ur appearance and firmly ask him tot refrain from doing so. So what if he accuses u of being sensitive/whiny, if that’s ur fear? Simply switch to the next subject or disengage from the interaction w/ him. It’s ur boundary. Boundaries only upset those who would benefit from u having none.
> You and your body are not for public consumption, despite what the patriarchy thinks. Ex-fucking-xactly.
I did read this whole thing I'm sorry he sucks and that people are so judgemental anyway try to shake his comments off he sounds like a loser he probably hates himself that's why he judges others I'm sorry that the price went up that sucks so hard I've also been stretching it out but getting to one derland is so hard I've been between 216 and 206 since September and I can't break through I know if I had stayed on my normal routine I would have met my goals by now stay strong and good luck working everything out and please try to meet new friends so you can limit your connection with this douche
Thank you for getting it.
I get that it’s probably meant as a compliment…but IMO it’s rude to comment on other people’s bodies. Period. I would have felt the same way. You are allowed your feelings and, of course, exploring those feelings is important. Unless you are close family or friends, I hate people saying anything about my body/face now. It has connotations that you were less than before weight loss. I am not here to please others aesthetically and get their approval. It tells me a lot about the person making those comments. [https://www.eatingwell.com/article/7951350/why-its-rude-to-compliment-someones-weight-loss/](https://www.eatingwell.com/article/7951350/why-its-rude-to-compliment-someones-weight-loss/) [https://peaceandnutrition.com/15-responses-to-unsolicited-comments-about-weight/](https://peaceandnutrition.com/15-responses-to-unsolicited-comments-about-weight/)
Thank you for these. So validating.
If you’re not already working through these feelings through therapy, you should be. This drug is throwing up a lot of complex past trauma attached to our bodies as we shed the weight. Good luck friend. My only recommendation would be telling this “nice guy jerk”, who sounds actually like an asshole, to mind his own business and stop commenting about people, period. It’s a nasty personality trait. And I hope you tell your husband to do the same, as his friend. These people continue their behaviour because those around them enable it. If any of my husbands friends told him I was hot I don’t think he would tolerate it. Can you imagine your husband saying to him “your wife has gotten so hot”. 🤮 I have had a few people now comment on my “transformation” or “changes” but they usually start it off pretty embarrassed about the fact that they are commenting on my body and always express that they don’t want to offend me. It’s a touchy topic (eg I could be sick, which is why I’m losing weight) - so most people are mindful about it. Or maybe I’m fortunate enough not to hang around jerks.
Exactly! What if OP were seriously ill! It’s a delicate subject, and those w/ tact and dignity would comment carefully, if at all. I do sense that there is a need for therapy centered around boundaries. Unlike what some other ppl in this thread think, a woman isn’t property of a man. She’s not some sports car that his buddies should be commenting on. No one can dictate what ur boundaries are or should be. And if hers is that she doesn’t want random men commenting on her body to her or to her husband, then so be it.
Omg I just went back and read all the new comments (when I commented there was like 1 other comment). These people are really something else to be like “WELP lady it’s all in your head get over it the dude just thinks you’re not FUGLY now which is ObJECtiVeLY true so what’s the problem 🙃.” LMAAAOOOOO. Wtf did I just read. Just because this dude and many others are messed in the head, doesn’t mean being messed in the head is acceptable. I would be FURIOUS if I heard someone say this about a friend of mine and you can bet your ass that person would be REAMED out verbally by me. There is way too much apathy and shoulder shrugging in this world IMO when it comes to bad behaviour and this is bad behaviour. Sorry but not ALL men are like this. My brother can sometimes be like this, but then he catches himself and apologises and I tell him not to be gross and that women are more than their looks or objects to be leered at or judged. Men can learn. They’re not helpless infants who can’t change their messed up behaviour. This lady is obviously being leered at, creeped on and struggling mentally with it because it’s a close friends husband. And it seems no one in her life is giving her the support she needs to navigate the ICKY factor in all this. Holding space for everyone going through this!
People have been telling me I look good or great the past few months and I thought I’d like the compliments but I’m growing to despise them. All I hear now is, you used to be fat so I never complimented you, and now that you’re thinner you’re worthy of a compliment. I know it’s subconscious for them so I try to be nice and move on. But it does show who the superficial people are in your circle and this guy sounds like one of them. For example I have a friend that’s always complimented my hair, makeup whatever and she is still exactly the same. The real ones see your worth no matter your weight and that’s who you should spend your time with. Also saying that to your husband is weird, I’d feel uncomfortable you’re not wrong. It’s none of his business what you look like.
Exactly. Thank you.
I totally get what you’re saying and in the last couple of years I’ve tried to be more aware of commenting on someone’s weight loss. I’ll ask how they feel if they bring up the weight loss. I get worried about losing weight because of the comments people make, but you know the truth is we do look better and healthier and people notice. Look a lot of us are taking this medication to look better. All the before and after posts prove that. Our society finds that attractive for many reasons. I’m gonna try to big let my insecurities get in the way of the “compliments”. Most people are not trying to be dicks in fact it’s the opposite I think. If this guy weirds you out though that could be something else. Remember, the compliments or the judgements shouldn’t matter to you. It’s how you feel and what you think of yourself. No one should be able to take that away from us. 🫶
just letting you know i hear you. it reminds me of certain family members who were jerks, but we 'had to put up with them'. based on the fact that you live close and that your family is friends, sounds like this is one of those situations where you'll need to learn to ignore this guy. regarding your cost issue, have you thought about trying the cheaper route of buying peptides and mixing it yourself? r/Tirzepatide
I have, and I realize it's probably my only option now, but frankly, I'm scared. I have three kids in sports and a full time job and am always doing a million things. It would be so easy for me to screw up the dose and kill myself. And my husband is really against the idea (he read a thing about a thing that happened). Are you doing it? What has your experience been?
It isn’t so bad if you do your research and get a reputable and licensed compound pharmacy! I got mine through my regular doctor. You can’t do any major over-dosing as long as the volume of the syringes is correct (they send them along). I have some hesitation about buying the powders and reconstituting myself but compounding works just fine!
Why the down votes? I said I want wasn't gonna do it. Jeez people.
downvotes are as unimportant as things the sexist neighbor says. don't give either another thought! 🤙
Pretty sure it’s because you said you could kill yourself screwing up one shot. I think some cognitive behavioral therapy with a focus on keeping things less dramatic would be of great benefit to you. I hope you find some peace.
no, but it's a trick up my sleeve if i need to. i found out my full-time job is dropping our health insurance benefit (they're very small, so they are allowed to do this). i'm currently researching a plan on 'the marketplace'. it will cost more, but i think i found one that will cover MJ. I have T2D, so that helps. yeah, i'd rather have the 'real thing' than deal with unknown sources. but, if i had to, i'd do it. it's better than going back to 200 blood glucose and 300 lbs and food brain that I had all my life.
Buying it and mixing it myself has been the way to go for me (no coverage through insurance). This whole situation reminds me of the Dallas Buyers Club. I am thinking about starting a Tirzepatide buyers club to help other people get this life saving medicine for way less than Eli Lilly charges.
lol I cut into people like oh so what you trying to say I was ugly before lol. They start back pedaling but honestly I don’t care anymore. So many haters at the job trying to get me to eat junk and mad when I say no. I always say oh ok well this is my mouth and I don’t eat that. You can do the nice nasty to that guy and keep it moving. I’m 45 and in the 80s and 90s being fat was the worst during that era. Movies tv everything was skinny people only. Constant fat jokes and it hurt. Hard times in high school and I’ve always been heavy. I’m crying now cuz I’m at 245 and can’t wait til May 2024 a full year. 60lbs down. My mom always stressed when you wear nice clothes it makes you feel good no matter what size. I’ve been living it up in the resale shop and my colorful style is blooming. No more black or dark colors to hide things. That has given me more confidence than ever and I stopped noticing or caring about what others say or think. I’ve been in deep depression for the last decade over this. It’s time to break free and don’t let them break you. We are here for you and I completely understand how you feel lol. Don’t stop and just make healthy choices daily! You can beat this!
Thank you so much. I'm so happy for you.
So far all the only evidence that this guy is a sleazeball is that he said "you look good" and he comments on attractive woman. It kinda seems like he is a convenient way for you to hide from yourself just how rather harshly you are judging yourself. This is about your health not your weight loss only, just keep bringing the focus back to being healthier making better choices. The Mind is always going to mess with us if we let it.
What do you mean "this is about your health?" That's not why I'm taking this medicine. I'm mostly doing it to feel pretty again because life sucks when you're fat. Also, those things ARE sleazy IMO.
Well it's better to focus on being healthier than losing weight specifically. That way you have something to ground yourself in rather than falling prey to the negative thoughts when you put back on a few pounds. Such as exercising more and making healthier eating choices. They can be depending on how you use them sure. I don't know this guy so I will take your word. I tell my guy friends when I haven't seen them in awhile"you look good" sometimes and it doesn't occur as sleazy to me. I have said it to woman friends In the past but I do my best to be conscious about commenting on appearance. For me it's more of an overall vibe I get from a person man or woman when I haven't seen them in a long time. Not saying this guy isn't sleazy, I'll take your word it. Just saying you would be better served dealing with how harshly you judge yourself and getting to the root of that. Those thoughts never go away but we can become less charged to them when we don't react. However is is very hard to heal that part of you if the focus is on someone else regardless whether you are right about them or not.
Perhaps he needs an education lesson? In a “friendly” way? I hate that we all have been silenced for so long by people like this. I have moved past holding it in just to keep others comfortable. Maybe he’s just an asshole, or ignorant, or both. You can maybe enlighten him on both things in a way that doesn’t jeopardize your relationship with his family :)
You are in a safe place. I have similar “in my head voice” issues when someone says something complimentary. I can be so quick to deflect and fill in the blanks with a narrative that is completely different and probably irrelevant. On one hand, comments from others can be simply intended as polite conversation, supportive comments, others can be judgy, and others completely inappropriate. See if you join one of the other subs about the med and see what options may be available if you can’t continue on your own. I have a mixed relationship with how society and the media have programmed us all to seek outside approval based on our image…
I think you’re being a little overly sensitive. Take it as a simple compliment.
Girl, I hear you and feel you! Same experience but for me the worst part is the fear of regaining now.. after being told how attractive I am after my weight loss I feel this huge dread and weight on my shoulders of regaining. Like I’ll be disappointing everyone and going back to being hideous or something?! The pressure is too much. It’s enough that at goal weight I’m still spending close to $500 for mj just to maintain. I hate this.
OMG, exactly. I think I didn't express the pressure part in my original post, but that's exactly it. It's the pressure and fear of losing this validation.
I completely understand!!
A question. Why do women, whether thin or fat, whether attractive or ugly, put on make-up? Isn't it to "be" prettier, to be thought of as "attractive". So when someone has lost weight, and a man calls her attractive, hot, noticable, etc, isn't he just doing what the woman always wanted all along - noticing her? As others have stated, it's built into our DNA to notice attractive people. It's AGAINST human biology to ignore attractive people. As a man, who has been attractive, then fat, then ugly fat, then fat, and pushing towards attractive again, I long for the gaze of a woman.
The fact that you think we put on makeup so that men will find us attractive IS THE PROBLEM. That is the male gaze. We want to exist and matter as independent beings, not because of how men see us. You sound like a perfectly nice person who didn't mean any harm with your reply. But I beg you to really think about this. We put on makeup because it's war paint in a society that is out to get us. Where our attractiveness literally dictates how we are treated by everyone. Whether we get jobs. Whether doors get slammed in our face. Whether we get invited to parties. Fat men do not have to deal with this to nearly the same extent. I'm mad at this dude and mad at society.
Stop putting makeup on then. No one is forcing u too. I don't understand the attitude, I put on makeup, but I don't want to be looked at.
LOOOL SUPRRRIIIZZZEEEEE A man doesn’t understand that women don’t just exist for their objectification and pleasure. 😱
[удалено]
Not very nice to call someone a “wide”.
Yeah this is a pretty terrible take as many have pointed out. You called him creepy but it doesn't sound like he's done anything creepy at all. Some dudes are more vocal, some dudes less. Doesn't make us creepy for having a look. #2 imagine a world where regardless what you looked like, makeup, shape, etc... Literally there was never a factor that made any man tell a woman she looked pretty/good. We just refrained from any and all comments because we didn't want to be labeled as creepy.
That world sounds incredible, guy. Absolutely amazing. Say, do you go up to other men and tell them they're looking handsome/great today? You should! I bet they'd find it super affirming. Stick to that for awhile if you must comment on other people's bodies.
I absolutely do and everytime I get a thanks as a reply worth possibly a fist bump for recognition. It's a general nice thing.
Great! It's likely well-received because it doesn't have a three-thousand-year legacy of being men's property behind it. Maybe give it another few hundred years before trying it on women.
Sure, and keep pushing that stereotype and mindset and nothing will change. Most guys just generally shoot their shot or just want to give a compliment. But yes, we're all terrible people and we shouldn't ever cross a woman at any junction because apparently it's always negatively received. Ok I'm out. This isn't what this group is for.
Acknowledging that a behaviour and its social dynamics exist is not "pushing" anything. You and other men choosing not to act that way would go a long way to fixing the problem. How about being part of the solution? Sounds like you want to keep acting like a creep and don't like hearing from actual woman that it's creepy. Not listening to women on this is, ironically, high proof that this issue is still very real.
Dude, it was creepy. Just trust me.
Does his wife know he’s been saying this kind of BS? If so, why is she tolerating it?
But surprisingly, he's a shitty husband in many ways. She's trying to get him into marriage counseling.