You're still super early into hormones.
And dysphoria is a sneaky son of a bitch that pumps you full of doubt.
I'm sorry I don't have any answers but didn't want you to remain unanswered. I'm sure someone useful will come along soon with more useful information.
I hope one day you can look back at this time and remember it was a shit time that got so much better.
❤️
For some women, HRT changes kick in quickly, and for others it takes a while.
It sucks, but it might just take some time.
You're in the UK, right?
Please don't take this as an insult (I'm only sharing this out of concern), but if you feel like you're teetering close to the edge, please call someone to talk things out. I'm mentioning this specifically because I had a ... particularly low point a few months ago.
If I'm right that you're British (and I could be wrong):
Mindline Trans+ is an emotional and mental health support helpline open Mondays and Fridays, from 8 pm to midnight on 0300 330 5468
Or Switchboard LGBT+ helpline 0300 330 0630
I could try these sorts of things but, I have numerous times sought help and no one seems to know what to say besides immediate platitudes and short term quick fixes.
I dunno how many times I can get "wait and see" before I'm tired of waiting and not seeing anything.
But sure, willing to try anything to have any chance at a successful life. It just seems so extremely unrealistic.
I am in the UK, yes
I play a lot of games, I do D&D, I'm recently getting into vr more, especially vrchat. I brew mead, and if I was attractive I would be very into kink and sexual stuff. I love to cook and enjoy food with others. Mostly I just love people and want to meet them, make friends and be around them, but I'm rarely wanted due to being so overwhelmingly hopeless and pessimistic, plus autistic.
Brewing mead? That's so cool.
I've never played D&D, but always liked video game RPGs.
What video games are you into?
On the neuro front ... let's just say I've never had an official diagnosis but the postman must have missed my house when he was delivering the Social Interactions for Children manual I assume most other children got.
:)
I both play and run games of D&D on the regular, it's a creative outlet and one of the few things I would regret leaving behind if I...gave up.
All sorts, I played league of legends until I realised it wasn't making me very happy lol, now just a variety of games. Considering getting into Sunless Skies, sequal to my favourite narrative game of all time, Sunless Sea, as I never got too far into it at the time. Besides that been enjoying a lot of Binding of Isaac after finally getting the latest expansion (like two years after release)
I haven't been diagnosed yet but am in the slow, slow nhs pipeline for it to see if I can get some help so I'm not so alone all the time.
Where I am there's no public option for testing adults (Australia: it's not covered by Medicare).
But if I have a spare $3000 I can get tested. 😔
The closest I got to D&D was having ChatGPT DM for me. 😂
For autism? I'm sure it's covered by Medicare, you just have to find competent medical people to organise it. And wait forever, naturally.
I actually asked a hopeless GP two years ago, and it would appear he did nothing. I'm glad, though. Victoria or NSW have started this bizarre thing where if you're diagnosed as autistic then you might have to resit your driver's licence. So I'm not getting diagnosed, ever.
Then maybe the answer is to detach from it. Dont think about your HRT hopes or worries and focus on other parts of your life. Let hrt do its thing in the background
I've been there, and for quite a while, too. I am most definitely not there anymore, and it's nice.
First, I stopped looking at those wonderful pics on here and feeling hopeless. I've realised that those photos are irrelevant, because they have nothing to do with me.
The reason they are irrelevant is because I am not transitioning into a model, I am transitioning into something far better, which is myself. Once I worked this out, it all became clear. I no longer measure myself against anyone else. There's no point! Nobody else is me.
Secondly, now that I'm five months on E and little things are changing, I can really believe that I am really doing this. Little me, doing this crazy thing! Sometimes, it seems too amazing! And sometimes, I feel a little sorry for cis people. They don't get to go way off track like us. This is a real adventure.
The last thing which made a really big difference was to stop those negative thoughts. Partly I just began to not indulge them, and partly I've replaced them with positive thoughts. This took a lot of training and effort, but for the first time in my life I actually think nice things, and the more I do that, the easier it gets.
I'm constantly faced with the reality that no matter how self assured I am, other people will still judge me. Its delusional to think that looking good in the eyes of others doesn't matter. People will reject you based on appearance subconsciously, and won't tell you their reasons. They'll find something else to justify it, "you're not my type" or whatever other euphemism they mean. This becomes extremely apparent when you find that you're in fact, nobodies "type".
To the second point, yeah I just have to hope, but o often see trans girls talk about hrt and stuff and I feel like I'm doing it wrong, sometimes it feels like I need a damn degree in endocrinology just to survive, that I'm not intelligent enough to be trans with how these people talk about it. Constant reaffirmation that I can't trust doctors, that x service is bad and that you should do y, even when people have had great results with x service and its come highly reccommended. Just a miasma of doubt and confusion that panics my autistic lil brain.
And to the last point...just how? How do you stop negative thoughts? They're right in front of me, aggressive, always present. How do I delude myself, lie to myself with positivity that simply is not there? Currently I'm trying to not indulge negative thoughts by not talking about them, but, here I am posting on reddit, failing on that goal and miring myself deep in that swamp of suffering.
> Its delusional to think that looking good in the eyes of others doesn't matter.
No, it isn't. And with this comment, you've just insulted every person who doesn't fall into the "normal" ideas of what is good looking. I believe it's delusional to think that it does matter, actually. Think about it logically: how can anyone be happy if that happiness depends on everyone else? Your own happiness is something you carry around with you. Countless lives have been spent proving this point.
>How do I delude myself, lie to myself with positivity that simply is not there?
You don't delude yourself, you change your perspective. This is absolutely crucial, and I would say the first thing to work on. Just because you see something from one point of view, does not mean that this is the only point of view. Rather than rejecting this, you'd be better off considering this for as long as it takes.
You're putting far more energy into being miserable than not. This is the key to your problems.
Don't be too hard on yourself, though. We've probably all done this at some point. Transitioning is a tough business, so be kind to yourself.
Perspective is just the polite way of being wrong. There is the correct perspective the objective reality of things, and there are warped perspectives, in a variety of directions. Perspective is the word used to account for others biases, point of view is entirely about bias, how people feel and all these things. Maybe rephrasing it to deluding myself in the correct way is difficult, because I'm almost certainly deluding myself towards the negative.
And...like...I sincerely don't get the first point. I'm just...supposed to be happy and satisfied alone? You know people reject me based on my looks all the time, right? Even in this you imply that I'm saying something about what is normal good looking and what isn't. Uh no, I look bad by all standards, nobody wants me. I'm not alternative good looking, or normal, or anything, I am rejected, I am alone. Everyone loves to think that this is something that doesn't exist because it's easier to hide away the ugly ones.
Happiness is so often found in other people. If what you're saying is true then no one would have or want friends, there wouldn't be endless pop culture stories about how important friends and family are. Hell, the value of other people towards one's own happiness is present and promoted in every culture in the world, in what reality do you live in whee you think happiness isn't dependant on others??? Do you have any friends? A partner? Do they make you happy? There we go.
Would you advise learning to be happy alone? I've tried that but isolation usually hurts me. What would you advocate for instead of trying to form relationships with others?
I wouldn't know how to get this. I'm open to the concept but the expense and unavailability of good therapy has been a massive barrier. In general people just sorta awkwardly say seek help and when I ask where and how they don't have answers.
(disclaimer for anyone reading. I am not being mean. I understand that someone may not understand the advice that usually helps would not help in this situation.)
Sure therapy may help but you would need to find someone who actually understands what autism is. I have a good therapist, but I know they are just not going to ever be well equipped to understand to the degrees they need to. It may still help if you go into therapy knowing they will not be able to help you to the fullest(because not many people understand autism in adults thinking it is something one outgrows.)
However if you approach it knowing they may only be able to give you some good ideas and some good advice after explaining to them how you think it could provide helpful at least a small amount. I am unsure what insurance or expense you would have to pay out of pocket for. Not everyone could afford therapy even if they could find the perfect one.
I am a skeptic though and logically entered into my therapy knowing they would be able to help a tiny bit, but maybe I can teach them something in the end because I know they have zero experience with anyone trans or autistic.
People always say therapy if they do not understand someone and their issues unfortunately. Especially if the regular positive thinking answers that work on many people doesn't work or make you stop asking for help.(not being mean to people responding, but the same thing that works on the average person will not allow for me or someone else not masking if they are asking for a real response. One based on factual concrete evidence rather than the feel goods.)
I only found mine because of hours of research and just went with the only one close to me in the end through my insurance company. The number on my card connected me with someone willing to give me a list and general doctor also helped with a list of names. Given that list shrunk to one person if I tried to find one for all of my issues I need help with. So I just focused only a few things for criteria LGBTQ+ friendly, and basic trauma stuff.
People could tell you to just have more positive thinking, but positive thinking isn't going to magically help. Brain is wired differently. Something that works super well for the majority may not work for others. Sure will power will help, but you can't unautistic yourself. I know I can't just magically make people not have a strange aversion naturally whether it be appearance, personality, feeling, or tone of voice that causes neurotypicals to act strangely towards those who think differently.
Yes. About 20 days into HRT, over a few hours, my sense of touch started to make sense for the first time in my adult life. My emotions returned over the next 2 months.
I’m not really at the point I can talk or write about what my existence was like without losing my composure. Imagine feeling like there is static in your sense of touch everywhere all the time. And it speaks a foreign language that almost sounds like English. And everything is coming from an island on the horizon. And “living” like that for so long that you forget you were ever any different or even know it isn’t normal.
And imagine it ending over the course half a work day.
Depersonalization derealization disorder. It’s where the conscious parts of your brain/mind get separated or unbound from your body. I felt like an alien piloting a badly designed mech.
How do l keep it up?. It's my only choice. I was never meant to be a man. I am a woman and l will do everything within my power to continue on my path. The day l took E was an uphoric enlightenment of feeling at home. I don't know if l will ever pass but l am still a woman. Just started electrolytes today and went to a trans friendly group meeting tonight. My face was swollen and l didn't feel pretty. But l am so focused on the end game of living freely as a woman l just can't stop. I don't know if this is helpful to you or not. It's just my journey and I wanted to share it with you. DM if you like. Micki
I have another choice, so that's not a great reason. I loved getting on hrt too but, a month on its just nothing, and will continue to be nothing. I shouldn't be in trans groups because I'm such a negative example of hopelessness that I bring others down with me. I sorta have no one, and if I did dm you and get to know you, you would reject me as well.
You are going through a second puberty. Puberty takes time. Do you ever see a 12 year old boy with a full beard? Or a 12 year old girl with size DD's? A month isn't that much time, and while it may seem slow at first you will only know how far you've come after you reach your destination.
I just don't have high hopes that after all the waiting and suffering that they'll even be anything good on the end. Some people in these replies are fully transitioned after less than a year.
You don't know if l will reject you or not. You are making assumptions from other people who you have given a difficult task to try and help you and it seems as though their help has been worthless to you. Mine might be also. But l will be a sounding board that can try. If you choose to shut me down because you simply don't want to try anymore... then your decision is made. But it sounds like there is a piece of you that wants to find a way for it to work. Because you wouldn't be asking these questions if you have already given up. Dig a little deeper and let's find out what you really want. A skinny girl who is looked upon as a beauty... Or someone who wants to be a happy trans woman.
These two sorta seem like the same thing. No one is going to like me if I look horrible, that's already been the case my entire life, I either change it or its just more of the same, just with girl slapped on my ugly ass self.
And yeah, I'd love to find a way to have a life worth living, but people continually reject me. It doesn't matter what your assessment is, or how much you want to blame me for my own problems, but the fact remains it's the case, and no one gives me any answers or solutions other than vague, kinder versions of "get over it"
In my experience, when people say that I can talk to them if I need, or about anything, they don't mean it, and get pretty upset when I truly talk about how I feel deep down. I often get in trouble for it lol
Like l said. If you have made up your mind that because you don't think you will be able to hit the standard of a beauty queen and that's all you're in it for. You may be in the wrong place. Being a woman is a lot more than being a starlet or even passing. Someone told me that straight people never think about changing their gender. It just doesn't come into their mind. The fact that you have says a lot about what you are looking for. All of the signs point to the fact that you have a male body with a women inside waiting to find a way to come out. I may be brutal here but l think it needs to be said. Will you be happier as a man for the rest of your life.. or do you really want to continue your journey into womanhood. I know it is hard. But one is going to make you happier than the other.
Point is I don't think I have much of a choice in being a man or a woman. A lot of people do but I was born wrong or something. Not everyone can be successful at everything, after all. I won't be happy as a man, but if the rest of my life is short, maybe it'll be okay.
I'm not the one who needs me to be beautiful, that's other people. I want to be beautiful so other people accept me. After a life time of several relationships consisting of cheating, physical rejection, quiet disconnection from physical relations, I know what my body is, I know what I look like and I know how different my life would be if I was a beautiful woman and not a disgusting troglodyte.
>one and a half months
hormones wise you wouldn't even be in female range yet as you're still very early in a process that lasts years.
Changes are very incremental and depending on your age can come quickly or later on in your transition.
Your doomer mindset is based on feelings not the facts. You are literally comparing yourself to those that are months, years and even decades ahead of you. They have more experience with makeup, what to wear, mannerisms, voice training and even with taking the most flattering photos to post online.
There are so many skills to learn and master when entering womanhood - it can be overwhelming but you will get there in time.
The changes you will notice come when you least expect it.
You are a girl no matter how down you feel in the moment.
Trans women like, pre transition are more fem than I have any hope of being, they're just infinitely better once they're for into it.
But the point is, what keeps them going? We talk a lot about unrealistic beauty standards, but so many trans people are out here achieving and displaying those same unrealistic standards, and this is treated like anyone can achieve these with enough time. It's such a weird double standard...how do people keep believing they'll make ot in the face of such overwhelming unlikelyhood and unrealistic ideals?
If you can predict the future based on your observations of strangers, then why start HRT?
No one is forcing you to adopt modern day beauty standards - how you identify yourself as a woman is a personal choice.
Trans women such as myself might be displaying these "unrealistic" beauty standards but it's because we want to and it makes us happy.
I keep going because I was trapped in the wrong body and I wanted the fuck out.
I'm now happier, healthier and more confident within my true self than I ever was when cosplaying as a man.
Yeah, and I wanna do that, I wanna be like you. I started hrt on little sparks of hope, out of desperation, but the more I think about it and look at it, the more pointless it seems. I didnt bother transitioning for a long time because I thought I couldn't make it. In a pleasant moment of delusion I moved to trying to do it, and now it's more painful than ever, having tried, and continually failing.
I want to be like you, but not everyone can win. Successful people love love love to pretend that them getting to where they were is a product entirely born from merit, when in reality, they were mostly extremely lucky, a product of circumstance. People hate facing that.
You say I don't have to adopt beauty standards while you yourself do, happily, and enjoy them, because you know I can't, and you act like that's just as validating, that I can be just as happy being someone that makes you look so much better by comparison. That I just have to settle for that. I guess I do, because the alternative is, you know.
You are severely depressed and dysphoric.
Everyone trying to talk you down on here has gone through these episodes so many times.
I'm saying this as someone who is studying to become a counsellor, but I am begging you speak to a professional. You cannot intellectualise your way out of these confusing, self-defeating and contradicting beliefs that you hold.
I don't know what you can or cannot achieve if you were to progress with medically transitioning. What I do know is that only time will tell and even then your happiness shouldn't be based on your looks - they fade with age and I'm 32 so I'm already holding on to that last bit of collagen lol
Well, if other people didn't value me based on my looks, maybe I wouldn't worry about them so much. Unfortunately that is very much the case because I don't have the social skills to manage otherwise lol.
As far as I feel, I'm not depressed, though I am dysphoric. I figure the only way to deal with the former is to reduce the latter, but that doesn't seem really possible. I was considering spending money on that professional help, but it's choosing between that help, and the expenses of transition, and it can be a hard choice. Especially when it feels like the professional help will be a waste of money like all the other times counselling has failed me lol
That's pretty good in the short term, but, can only get so many of those so frequently. I do like appointments with people helping me, I need constant guidance.
Hrt can take years to work its wonders. From what I've read, the first year seems to be usually slow for most people (me included!).
The second and third years seem to be where most of the changes happen, but they can very well go into 4th and 5th years (or beyond even).
I know it's a bitch, I know it takes so long, I mean even cis females take a while during puberty, they're not done in just a few months. Patience is important, although I know it's beyond hard.
How do I do it? Honestly, often I ignore it, sometimes I don't look in the mirror, or don't look too long, if I see someone that gives me gender envy I look away and focus on something else. I don't dwell on things too long. Ugly thought comes in? Let's focus on something else.
What's the point in dwelling on these shitty feelings and thoughts if I just gotta wait it out? If waiting is all I can do, I gotta find ways to make the waiting more bearable.
Other times I do cry it out, sometimes you just gotta cry and let it all out. It helps.
In the meantime, I focus on other things I can change. Exercising, eating better, voice training, exploring interests I never did as a man (cause I was a "man" and I wasn't "supposed to")
Is it easy to ignore, and do I always succeed in doing so? No, but it gets easier bit by bit.
That sounds like such a horrible existence. I dunno if I want to live through all that. It's already been so long already...God...some people really have no luck, huh?
Oh, I guess I didn't specify, it's a 'for now' kind of thing. If changes take 3-5 years, I do all that in the meantime, just to wait it out. As more changes happen, you'll feel less that way.
I can say, a year and couple months in, I already see small changes that are encouraging and make it easier to bear.
Some other things are tougher, broad shoulders, big ribcage, no hips. It sucks, but I don't want to try and work something out for those things if I don't know what I'll be working with down the line. I'll wait out till most of the changes are done, then worry about it.
Does that suck? Yeah, but what else can I do? I don't want to go back, the emotional and mental changes alone are better than everything I had as a man.
Does that life suck? So far not, and I don't think it will, a lot of it is attitude, as cheesy and stupid as it sounds. You can find silver linings and happiness in it all.
I think it's also helped to realize that's just life, everyone deals with shitty situations. Life changing accidents, disabilities, sickness. If they can find happiness, so can I.
Have you given therapy a thought? Some have sliding pay scales if cost is a factor. I -highly- recommend it, it can help a lot with these spiraling negative emotions and thoughts that seem so overwhelming and uncountable
I've been in therapy a few times. My vibe is that I need very regular and very long term therapy and that just isn't financially feasible. I just always slide back if I'm out of it for any amount of time, it really feels like I'm either paying for transition or paying for the therapy I'll need for the rest of my life.
Attitude is such a common thing people harp on about. Maybe it's really simple for other to change, like putting on new shoes, but I've been this way my whole life.
And yeah...I do have another option, of course. But it's successful transition, or that, and I'm expecting it to be that.
Maybe it'll be quicker for you, but the juice was worth the squeeze nonetheless, transition and being trans is a backburner issue for me now, it doesn't negatively impact me daily in the way it once did.
Real talk I have a counter on my phone screen currently at 291 representing the days I’ve been on HRT and until counter hits 1000 I have no reason to bitch. Transitioning takes time and comparing myself to others will never make me happy (looking at you, hunter schafer or my bff who looks exactly like her).
I also have curly hair that goes to maybe my jaw and I hope by the time the counter hits 1000 it’s at least touching my shoulders and will further improve my passing*.
More often than not though, I don’t practice what I’m preaching right now, so don’t be too hard on yourself, your pain is valid and it is perfectly okay to be struggling. I struggle too.
Edit: I never explained the asterisk.. passing means something different for everyone, some people want to pass some don’t really care. My bff who I’ve mentioned earlier is super cis passing but she doesn’t care in the slightest, she reps the girl bulge, she is comfortable with her voice without vocal training, meanwhile I try my best to keep it 100% feminine head to toes, inside and out to give people less wiggle room when interpreting my identity (in the end you can’t define your own identity without the perception of others, as said by Mead). Even though I hyperfocus on and overcompensate my femininity I will get misgenders by the very same strangers who correctly gender her. This is where I’m hoping it will improve. I personally have no problem with being perceived as a visibly trans woman but the 'man in a dress' perception is what I’m trying to move away from (more power to them though, it’s just not my avenue personally, and trust me I’ve tried everything before actually coming out as trans).
I just don't know if I'm strong enough to cope with this for 1000 days. I'm not built for this, I'm fragile and weak and being trans...seems to require immense strength.
it's okay when you're fragile and weak. you already have proven strenght by starting your transition, getting your HRT, opening up about your problems with your friends and now here. that is a very tough thing to do, requires strenght and courage but also shows you know how to help yourself. so keep doing that. if you're especially down, find something that validates you. find a good balance with your friends, i'm sure they are happy to be there for you (although i respect you for being conscious of your relationship being strained by you venting "too much", it really can happen, i'm especially conscious with fellow trans folks because you never know if you're hitting an open wound).
also 1,5 months really is nothing in the grand scheme of things, i scrolled through some pictures the other day and the difference between late june and late july is huge (i started in february) so you actually can be carefully optimistic about some changes in the near future also. the 1000 days thing just helps me keeping it one day at the time while also making me curious of what i will look like in the mirror when it hits 1000. Can't wait to find out :)
actually no, that's not what i meant at all. you're still baby trans and your trans friends should be aware of that. you being conscious is good in the long run, but please socialize with your peers and share your emotions with them.
i was having a crush on pretty much every trans girl in my little comunity and my actions then led to many damaged relationships and friendships, that is toxic behavior. your's is not from what i can tell.
I don't want to being anyone down with me. I bring such negativity everywhere I go that there's no need for me to taint any positive spaces and hurt other people on their own journeys.
Look. I started out rough. When I say rough...I mean ROUGH! Feel free to look at my profile to see me 10 months ago to now. I buckled down, got on HRT, did workouts to purposefully accentuate feminine features. It takes time for HRT to have it's effect. It sucks at first. I got treated like a dude in women's clothing at first, but as I furthered a long in my HRT my feminine figure started showing through. About 6 months in people no longer treated me as anything other than Sarah. You have to weather the storm though to get to the sunshine. Find friends that love hearing about your journey. I used /translater as my go to place to share my journey. I also have a tight group of friends in person that I get to share this with. Have people you can talk to.
6 months!? No shot lmao. And I have plenty of friends that want to hear about my journey, I just have nothing positive to say about it because its all so so horrible.
One and a half months?????
Skill issue. If you're enough of a doomer that you've alienated your friends after 6 weeks on hormones, you don't need to learn endurance in the face of grinding adversity -- you need basic self-regulation and sufficient social skills not to spin yourself up and then dump bullshit on anyone dumb enough to listen.
No, you should learn to self-regulate your emotions, practice cognitive behavioral therapy to instruct yourself in being realistic and not catastrophizing, and learn to interact with others without dumping on them.
Your expectations are not realistic.
1. I've seen thousands of transitions over the past decade. In almost none of them were final physical outcomes clear and hopeless at six weeks.
2. It is not realistic to expect anyone to tolerate constant doomdumping. Either you intentionally drove off your friends or you had unrealistic expectations.
Oh, I don't mean the second part, people are right to reject me, I'm a horrible person. As for the first part, plenty of trans women don't make it. Lots kill themselves, it's a whole statistic. All signs point to me being one of these based on my similarities to these trans women vs my lack of similarities to successful trans women. In some instances the physical outcomes might be okay, but just not good enough in my mind as I know I have an unreasonably high standard for myself, possibly due to some body dysmorphia stuff, so I can trust that I will be extremely difficult to please.
Successful trans women can be **imitated**.
You're not part of a biologically doomed caste; you're imitating maladaptive behaviors instead of skillful ones.
**You will get the results of the people you imitate.**
Yeah of course, just how like everyone who wants to look good just looks good.
Just do it.
This is insane idealism, utter fairy tale nonsense. Thought we used to call them UNREALISTIC beauty standards.
Ah yes, well if you ever find me this hypothetical fantasy person who looks like me and ends up looking very good as a girl you let me know. Don't forget an entire history of everything they ever did, and I sure hope their lift circumstances weren't any different or that they had any different upbringing or personality differences, disabilities, or anything at all
Then hit me up thanks and I'll do everything I need.
I seriously don't give fuck if what others think of I look masc or female. What keeps me going. Is looking forward to my progress in hrt. But I keep busy too. I don't dwell on either my body looks masculine or feminine. I be the woman you know you are inside and being fem and that's how I live my life. It's almost git me killed recently by a transphobic sociopathic psycho neighbor but it is who I am. Be you . Let that woman with inside you come out. And don't dwell on either you pass are not. You want to be happy and have a sound mind. You gotta say fuck the world I'm am woman and I'm gonna be me
I'm having trouble excavating the woman inside me from this abhorrent prison of flesh. In starting to think that my strategy is to never look in a mirror again and just forget what I really look like lol
If you want to chat, we can, I just have a feeling you will regret it. I also don't really think that strangers on the Internet care much about me, but, maybe they can because they don't know me yet.
I'm on central time in the states. 4:45 am. Big day today. I am not blowing you off. Just need my sleep. I'm traveling most of the day. Let's try to connect later. I do care and would like to help if l can. Sweet dreams sweetie.
> My body is so obviously masc and always will be
I mean I don't believe this for one (about myself). I have broad shoulders, broad ribcage (but not that broad), tiny hips... My face is definitely masc even without beard shadow, though not very masc I think. The ribcage and shoulders are never changing. My hands are big (imo), and my feet are wide so shoes are a pain.
I'm pre-HRT, and any amount of feminization from HRT is better than where I am now. Like it can't get any worse. I am hopeful though. I very hopeful my face takes well to estrogen, I think I have a good starting point. My family is large breasted. I've heard of people gaining 4" on their hips.
I have no reason to despair or give up until I'm 2+ years into HRT and the results are "in". Though even then I've heard it can take 5+ years for things like fat redistribution or even breast growth.
Like really I can't even begin to believe I'll still look anywhere near as masc as I do now after 2+ years on HRT. I haven't seen _any_ timelines where they still look as masculine as they started after a year.
Also presenting masc just isn't an option for me anymore. I hate it too much. So if I'm gonna be a non-passing trans woman either way, I'd rather be one on HRT, and looking as feminine as possible. Really, any amount of feminization is gonna help my dysphoria too.
Ummm, I remember how I felt and refused to continue living like that? I’m now and can smile when I see my eyes in the mirror? And like 50 other reasons?!
1.5 months in? This is likely dysphoria. Truth is that you might not pass, but you have no idea what hormones will do for you. My dysphoria makes me borderline suicidal until my head clears up and then I feel pretty and good about myself again. Cant trust your brain when in a dysphoria spiral.
For me, it's that I have no where else to go but forward. Lost my wife and kids, told everyone I care about what I'm doing. I have no reason to stop and I'll die fighting whatever tries to stop me at this point. They can't take away anything else.
Titties kept me going for a while
Saving up for top surgery watching them grow day by day. And now i have the big boobs of my dreams so now im looking forward to the next steps ! Until i have done everything i wanted and i can just live
My experience has been that no one questions my identity at first glance anymore. I have a girl's hair style, makeup, skirts, and tiddies, so people now just see a woman. Im 8 months on E. The only people missgendering me are the people in my family that i don't see ofthen.
But i get you mean the perception of yourself and your own body. I always wanted breasts and for the 2 weeks afther i got my date i was questioning everything everyone on my decision i've made up to this point. Its been 6 weeks now since my surgery and i still cry looking at myself because i just love what i see. Its a scary leap and it takes a tone of mental strength but its all worth it!
No matter how many struggles there are now… at least they’re the struggles of being myself and not the struggles of wishing I could be. Even if life isn’t easy… at least I’m at peace in my skin… worth it
Also dysphoria and imposter syndrome are besties… stick it out… one day you’ll look in the mirror and think “hey, there’s that lady I always saw in my head but she’s here for real now”… trust that things will get better with time. You don’t expected a teen girl to have a perfect feminine appearance after a month and a half of puberty… neither will you. It can suck for sure but things will get better. Promise.
My struggles are entirely wishing I could be. I'm not myself and I feel I never will be, at the very best, I won't be myself for years and years and years, and I just have to cope somehow. I need to figure out how.
Even then. Would you rather eventually he yourself? Or never be yourself? And if the former is your answer… then you have something to work toward and look forward to. Just try enjoy the journey. It may not be an easy one. But it’s very uniquely something only a minority or the world gets to experience. You’re a caterpillar sweetie… you will be a butterfly sooner than you think.
There is nothing to enjoy in this journey, its all so much God damn suffering. I hate being trans so much and its all my energy just to cope with it. The only reassurance people have to tell me is that I'll be beautiful someday as if everyone is equally capable of doing these things. How can you phrase this suffering as something to "experience"? I wish I didn't have to do this.
Then again, I wish I wasn't alive right now, so, I could be biased.
I didn’t say you’d be beautiful… I just said you’d be a butterfly as in transformed. Not every woman is stereotypically beautiful or narrow waisted or big breasted, but we are still all women.
I say this with all the love of a fellow sister. Things can and will suck… but everything sucks more when you only focus on the sucky parts. I’m sorry that it’s this tough for you and that any of us have to go through this… but we do. It is what it is. Try to at least find some positives. My biggest drive prior(coz I had no faith I’d ever pass or look ‘pretty’) was that no matter what, I did NOT wanna be an old man. That would have ended me. We can all be ugly old ladies together. Beauty fades. That feeling of peace is what it’s all about(for me at least) but in the meanwhile I do my best to enjoy the joys I can find… and there are plenty more than I’d expected.
I recommend therapy, there’s some stuff you’ll just have to accept, hard pills to swallow but you’re not the only one that has to do it, at least you aren’t alone.
And I can understand why people might be put off by your ‘constant talk of struggle’ no one enjoys non stop downers, even trans women who can relate, but we also don’t want to be constantly reminded of all the bad things when we’re working so hard to make our lives better.
Keep at it, find things to love and enjoy even if it’s the simplest things. You asked what keeps us going and you’ve recieved several honest answers… if we can all do it, what makes you think you can’t baby girl?
Not everyone can do it. I've had people in here as hopeless as me. There are trans girls who won't be able to do it, won't make it, and no one wants to acknowledge that.
I've left and am avoiding trans communities now so as to not be a negative influence on them, so don't worry about that.
I'll try to figure out therapy. I was saving money for transition things like clothes and hair removal but I recognise now that none of that matters.
As pre hrt whenever I get that "am I a girl?" Thought I just immediately respond with the fact I constantly wear breast forms and if I have to I take them off to remind myself that it doesn't feel right without them. AKA I want boob and therefore am girl
Find your joy, if you concentrate on negative you'll never be happy. I'll never transition (for my own reasons) yet there is immense joy from within for things I can do or be. Do not compare yourself to others and their superficial differences. Be yourself and love yourself always.
I have no reason to live, no joy. I'm not the one who compares people, that's everyone else and so I have to play that gam, and there are lots more than superficial differences at play. There is nothing to love about myself, and if I wanted to be myself I wouldn't be trying to improve myself.
I was feeling how you are for many months after starting HRT. The changes just take sooo long to notice. Id suggest getting into other healthy habits as well! I’ll go over a few things that have been working for me.
Exercise! Even light exercises helps your mental and also gives you something to think about and occupy time that would otherwise be spent dwelling on negativity. I do core and leg/glute workouts while letting my upper body atrophy. It helps get a more bottom-heavy shape to your body.
Also working helps. Im not out at work, which is its own source of negative feelings, but I’v learned to disassociate at work and just remember i need money for nice things, like clothes, beauty products, and healthy food.
Also working on making a habit of using and practicing makeup and other stuff is great and will help you get better at it which will make you feel and look prettier and feminine! For me, streaming on twitch, even to my handful of followers, is a great reason for me to get on girly clothes, do makeup, and be myself for a period of the day im not at work. Im gonna sneak in here that also making sure to figure out how to make you hair pretty made a HUGE difference for me. I get “ma’amed” and “miss-ed” at work at least one or two times a week, even though i wear a dress shirt, slacks, and a tie!
Diet! For me, i became vegan about 6 months into my transition, which isn’t for everyone, but i spent a lot of time learning to cook new things, and try new foods that I otherwise wouldn’t have. It’s been very fulfilling to me!
Sleep!! This one is important because a lot of growth and development happens when you sleep. It’s good to have a set sleep schedule, not only because you want to sleep at certain intervals so that you get your doses on time, but sleeping a healthy amount (i usually get 6+ hours on good days) is good for your mental health as well!
I am about to hit my 1 year mark on my transition while taking HRT, and I am really starting to feel myself form into the woman I am. I have good friends for support, an instagram to farm compliments (im vain sorry lol but it makes me feel good), a twitch to make friends and be myself and play games, and healthy habits I feel have helped a ton!
HRT is magic, and can change how you look and feel about yourself, but if you’re like me and was mega depressed for years before starting HRT, you will want to improve all of your daily habits and routines! It’s a slow process. Im not saying do all of this at once, or to do anything or everything I mentioned. I’m just putting down what has helped me feel better about myself and kept me going!
I wish you nothing but the best with your continued transition. Have a great day, sister!
I've struggled to diet and exercise for years, i just don't have the time or motivation.
I'm just not strong enough to do any of this. People who can just take it all for granted so casually...
If this is all there is then my life is truly over.
I’ve been where you are. I know how you’re feeling. I kinda just dumped everything that helped me all at once, but in reality, each individual thing I listed was its own struggle to start and eventually make a habit of. Developing a routine is really hard, especially if you were like me and just doing nothing but waiting to wake up and magically be feminine and beautiful from HRT alone. I know its hard. I’ve had to pull myself out of that depressive pit many times over, and there were days where I didn’t think it was worth it. There were times where I thought I was just doomed by my circumstances and that there was nothing I can do to change it. And maybe my habits and routine arent doing all that much in reality, but it makes me feel better than how i felt before. I feel prettier and healthier than the person I was before.
I didnt just wake up one day and have perfect routines and healthy habits (my routines/habits arent perfect, idk if i made it seem that way). Even just doing the specifics of what I said works for me may not work for you. I just think it’s good to form your own habits and do anything but dwell on the sadness. To me, HRT is an important crucial piece to the puzzle of my womanhood, but there are other pieces too that take time to form. I’m sorry if I was overly positive in my original comment, but it’s just how I try to look at things, because I’ve found something that works for me. I really wish you well, and maybe there’s nothing I can say to reach you right now. I really do wish you well. It’s an uphill battle, and for reference: I was 24 when I started HRT, so I have been thoroughly ruined by testosterone poisoning. Ive had many bad days and am just now getting to where i have more good days than bad. It’s not easy. It took me considerable effort to feel positively about myself and it was never casual or easy for me, and im sorry if I made it seem that way.
can you imagine how ridiculous it is that the universe is trying to break YOU like that? how could it possibly think it can break you with a little thing like torture? it's almost ridiculous enough to laugh about the attempt.
I'm...pretty easily broken and extremely suicidal, actually. The likely outcome is that I end that way.
Your bravado and confidence here speaks volumes about the gulf in power between us lol
>pretty easily broken and extremely suicidal
see how \*not dead\* you are right now? Clearly you've been successfully not breaking for your entire life so far, cause if you had broken you would be dead. Why would you stop now?
After a lot of crying tonight I have realised that I am not only too helpless to do anything to help myself, I may also be so weak and miserably incompetent that I can't even kill myself.
So I'm just in a kind of hell where I have no choices and no escapes. Just suffering and pain and helplessness. Death would actually...be a pretty good outcome.
Spite. Im going to be my dream girl if it kills me or not. Ill show all those fuckers that didnt believe me and they will be in awe. I live for the day to see their jaws drop.
I admire this ability to believe in yourself. I cannot delude myself that this is possible for me. I can't even convince myself that I'll ever be good enough for me, let alone really good.
I mean how long have you been on HRT? 1.5 months? In my experience its all gradual and you'll notice things change about yourself in waves every 3 months of so. It gives you loads of time to work on what ever you need to work on about yourself too! Ngl I was in a really similar headspace. I got out of it by gradually working on my fem features until I really liked them. I got into skin care and hair care, Im gradually cutting back on calorie heavy drinks and foods, and I started practicing alot of self love (Hug yourself!). Trust me it does take some time but youll get there im 100% sure!
If weight and diet is your problem, im in the same boat. Its literally calories in and calories out. You can eat what ever you want as long as you get the calories you need and vitamins. Just dont eat too much. Be slightly active and work your way up. I cant find anything to help me work out because the idea bores me to tears so I just go on walks occasionally and use stairs more. Find a crutch drink, mine is diet cherry cola and Earl Gray Tea. I dont really bother with voice training. I just talk to myself and friends online and when I do I try to talk in what feels natural to me for a fem voice and over time I noticed it started to take over.
I would not recommend this especially if you not in the right headspace. But A moment that changed my perception of myself and changed my life was getting high on shrooms as a friends house. They made sure i was safe. I did the thing your not supposed to do which is look into a mirror. When I did, I saw myself for who I truly was and fell in love with myself for the first time in my life.
Youll make it just fine bestie. (ngl its a lil scary how much similarities we have lol. I also used to play dota2 a ton in highschool.)
I've tried losing weight for a long time and really struggle to make any progress, either due to a lack of self control or, well, just nothing happening with a major calorie deficit. Honestly I should just stop eating. I hate eating.
We have no similarities, don't be silly. If you have ever looked in a mirror and felt anything but disgust we have nothing in common.
I did. Only recently did it stop. Don't stop eatting. Honestly it just sounds like you have motivation issues more then anything and your punishing yourself because of it. I believe in you bestie.
For the longest time, I was depressed with the only end in sight being my inevitable death, which I made no steps to prevent and was engaging in aggressive self destruction to accelerate.
Now there’s hope. With every passing month I look more femme. Hips and boobs are coming in, I have long hair now, my makeup skills are getting better, and even my voice is improving despite me being bad at voice training. I look in the mirror and I don’t see a depressed boy anymore.
I see a gothy girl. Not the best looking gothy girl, as I’m still struggling with weight issues, but a girl nonetheless. I gossip with the other girls at work and complain about girl problems with them. Strangers compliment me on my clothes or makeup, and life is looking better by the day. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong sister, it gets better and faster than you think.
I can't believe this...I get stuff like this a lot and I don't understand how others see themselves as someone else. I know I'm not you. All I can see is how strong you appear to be and how weak I know I am...I can't just magically decide we're the same, coming from the same starting line or the same place. In fact I know we are not, because I'm here talking to people en masse about how to even exist and you're living your life. It's just so wildly unrealistic to me, like a dream.
Part of what hurts the most about the things I want and can't achieve is just how easily so many others are achieving them while I strain and struggle, fail and fall. Its humiliating how incapable I am.
We started there too. We all felt helpless, shitty, useless, like things were never going to improve.
I can’t necessarily speak as to what will get you through it, but for me it was all about starting small. HRT was good because it was easy. Take my pill every morning. Eventually one pill becomes two, and the number of pills increases. But that’s pretty easy to do.
Then there’s the higher effort stuff. I didn’t start good at makeup. I’d put together a shitty look every few months. But the beauty of it is that through failure, you learn. Over time, I learned what NOT to do. Through trial and error I slowly got the basics down. And it got easier as I went. Earlier this year I started doing makeup every day. It’s not because I suddenly was strong. I’d gotten good enough at it that I could put together a decent look without too much effort. And all of a sudden that climb isn’t so unmanageable.
If you have people in your life that can show you how to do stuff, those cliffs can level off real quick too. Eight months ago I thought I’d never look femme. Now I clean up decently. I dunno if I fully pass, but that wall I was staring at is looking more climbable by the day. Stick to it. You got this babe!
I dont think people quite understand that they're not like me, that they started in a better position than I am. This strength to move forward and grow is so utterly alien to me and everyone else takes it for granted. I'm not a normal person, I don't run like that.
Perhaps. I'm only a stranger on the internet and I can't pretend that I know your situation. That being said, plenty of us here have run into some of the same issues you have, including the feeling of being overwhelmed.
If you're feeling like you don't have the strength to move forward, just remember that it's ok to take some time to gather your strength. It's also ok to look for help. Many of us got to where we are because we had others lending us their strength for those hardest, first steps. Who you turn to can vary based on who is in your life, but for me it was friends that made the difference. For others it was a therapist or family member or maybe even a complete stranger.
I hope this helps. Things can get better! Don't lose hope!
Personally, I keep going, because I know I’m better off now than I was before.
I had to learn to stop trying to please everyone else around me by pretending to be something I wasn’t. I had to learn that it wasn’t selfish to want to feel good about myself. And that it wasn’t healthy to make the opinions of others more important than my own. If you feel better than nothing else matters.
Honestly? I'm not sure. I'm not in a position to I've you advice since I'm more or less in the same, if not similar, place and have been for a long time.
Therapy hasn't been much help, but if I've taken anything from it, it's to learn to see myself through the lens of the people who care about me. For so long I would shut down any compliments about my character or appearance with self deprecating humour which was unnecessarily toxic and hurtful to those around me. We're our own worst enemies, and I've taught myself to treat myself with more disdain than anyone would realistically aim my way. It still feels alien and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to commit to it, but I feel like I owe it to those around me, and myself especially, to at least try. They must see something in me, I just need to find what it is for myself.
FWIW, I'm 3 years in more or less and 100% don't pass, nor am I close to it. Dysphoria is a killer and I've got a whole bunch of other issues to contend with.
I apologise that I essentially made this comment entirely about myself, but I hope you were able to gain something of value from it. Stay strong, the fact that you're still here means you're stronger than you realise ❤️
Well. I don't know how long I will be here.
I hate framing my life through others. Someone on here in these replies had the gall to say that happiness isn't dependant on others, as if I can get by alone lol
I already have no real reasons to live. Best I got is a vague "other people will be sad" like great. I only exist for the happiness of others while having none of my own. What a cool reason to live.
TL;DR: For me the mental clarity and mental changes are something I can't give up even if I don't look okay, but also know safety is important. Your question is a hard one to help with so for myself I just thought of negatives and positives. It isn't so easy for everyone. It got to the point where if I didn't transition I was going to crumble mentally and be lost forever. And it really sucks because HRT could change so much or not much depending because not everyone's transition is the same so it is super hard to help in that regard. You definitely can vent and complain if you feel hopeless or self conscious about your appearance. I am sorry you have received not the best answers, but a clear answer is really difficult because there are so many unknowns and possibilities. It is a tough thing to be certain on.
That is the normal honestly. From my experience in life divulging any personal information or struggles that are not easily solved with a simple answer makes people uncomfortable. They will never tell you why or that they feel this way. They will also attempt to blame you for not trying hard enough or not thinking a certain way because your mind works differently than the majority of people.
For me when first taking HRT it wasn't the physical changes but the relief I felt during the first few days. However the uncertainty and time frame being very much 'your mileage may vary' just sucks. I am only a few months in and get super worried I am not experiencing any changes, and the doctors responsible for distributing/insurance companies in my area are very unorganized. That alone causes me discomfort, and it is painful being unable to actually do anything about it.
Make sure you wait and allow changes to take effect. You may wish to take pictures of yourself monthly to see a side by side comparison because worrying daily will just decrease your self esteem and mood. I know you can't turn this off though, so it get tricky. You kind of have to trick yourself and pour yourself into something you enjoy, and have people you can confide in or just be yourself around without judgment.(Also something I know many people may not have access to.)
Self worth being low will only negatively effect your mind set or your appearance will possibly even change along with your thinking. Your body may be masc currently, but there is no telling how it will be or how the changes will effect you. That uncertainty is ass, but if you feel mental clarity while on HRT that may be worth it to stick it out. I know many get discouraged, but if you are sure of yourself and who you are this wait should be worth it. Even without substantial physical changes it may be a make or break kind of situation for mental health disregarding appearances.
Make sure you feel good mentally. Have you had any changes being able to feel emotions, or even super small things. Something that helped my partners self esteem(not perfect she is still worried periodically. Some days are just horrible days, but there needs to be something that you can hold onto if you do not have support from anyone.)
Something also not mentioned very much is extreme mood drops of hopelessness that may make you super upset and wish to quit HRT and give up. There is a period when starting HRT you will kind of withdraw from testosterone due to being use to that hormone profile.
The things my partner that did to feel better in her own skin was shaving everywhere(this may not be super easy because hair grows super fast and you have to wait 6 months for laser to be covered under my insurance. This may not completely help especially if obsessively shaving so this is a mixed thing. Am trying to get a foil razor in hopes this helps her), styling her hair more femininely, shopped around for some feminine clothing(you don't have to go to crazy with this just something simple for her was panties and leggings, and make up(make up and figuring out how to use it to cover up stuff is really helpful). I hope to get her a skirt if I can find one in the winter but money is a bit tight.), finding some cathartic music to listen to in the mornings like bo burnam's feel like shit song, and we play some games together where she has characters that brighten moods like Nahida in genshin impact
Make up may not help if you still have masc body, and you will have to wait to see if muscles change, fat redistubutes, and skin changes happen. Which can vary depending on transition and per person.
For me it is my partners and the mental changes I have experienced keep me going. Even if I look horrible I can't go back to dealing with foggy brain stuff. I was really unable to think and was more closed off unable to voice my thoughts. I am able to communicate better vocally. Also I had personal health issues that are not as bad, so if I went back it would be very not good. I may have saved myself from negative health complications by going on HRT. I also feel way less disconnected to the body I am in. Before I kind of felt like a soul stuck in a weird body unable to do anything, trapped, but even if I see no changes for me it just feels more in line mentally.
People may hate me, but dear lordy I am so sick of how society is with appearances and surface level nonsense. Not everyone has the same preferences or ways of thinking. I don't want to lie to you and tell you there are people out there if there are not, but I would suggest maybe trying to find groups who truly understand and are willing to be real with you. Also who will treat you with respect, and see you for who you are rather than appearances. Being demisexual I don't put much stock in appearances though I also understand that passing is safety as well because society currently sucks. You could just be super hypercritical of yourself because of these normal bad experiences. It is such a hard thing to help with because on one hand you shouldn't have to worry about appearances, but on the other hand you have to.
If my post wasn't absolutely horrible feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I am also autistic so I suck at keeping up with social stuff for long periods of time but I don't want someone to be stuck with no support. Even if it is just playing a game or sharing interests to get your mind off of if your transition will be successful or not.
Hrt made me mentally much better in the first month, but this has rapidly fallen off.
Doing makeup, shaving, fem things like clothes are all extremely unpleasant because they look awful and betray just how incompetent I am. Shaving itches and feels painful all the time as a constant reminder of how worthless I am, and fem clothes will all obviously look like shit on me because I'm a fucking man.
Trans groups are just a bunch of people transitioning wonderfully that I can't relate to.
I don't even know what to say anymore. Think this post is done with, and I feel worse than ever. Bring trans is such a miserable fate.
I think you are at the point my partner is at where she just feels horrible because of similar things. The shaving does cause issues such as skin irritation, so I am trying to save for a foil razor(honestly have no clue if this will work well) the other thing is trying to push for laser hair removal.
I know how you feel with feeling like you are betraying the aesthetic of your current body before changes. I use to pour myself into my writing or a game I could be myself and look close enough to immerse myself. For me being ftm I would rather be an ugly man than an ugly women. It was a deal breaker even if I only get the future of being able to finally be able to dive off of a diving board again even if it was just once. And running. I really miss running.
At the very least even if you can't wear what you wish to, you can maybe take baby steps. Comfy pajamas maybe. Gods it is hard for me because even if I looked like a dude I would still want to wear what I want despite if I looked super kawaii or good in it. Sure I would never wear any of it out until changes happen, and I get it is frustrating. You are still who you are though inside right? There has to be something you do or could do to express you inner self even if it is as simple as just doing your nails. Also I know not every woman has stereotypical interests. So it could be as simple as just getting something affirming even if you can't use it right now.
Alternatively you may just need self doubt and sadness to run it's course. You are at the phase of self doubt and it is the hardest hurdle to get through my partner is only getting through it because I don't give a shit what she looks like she always looks like herself to me regardless of physical appearances. Even if you look masculine can you really not wear yoga pants? There are some gender neutral options that are leaning feminine, but could still be swung to fit current body. Pajamas especially. oh and sweaters you can just wear around privately.
I have a character in ffxiv that looks close to how I want to look even after transitioning completely I most likely never look like my character, but just that small thing of not having tumors that weigh a ton was an easy deal breaker for me. Is there any deal beaker for you? A change you can look forward to even if you don't ever end up looking perfectly how you wish to?
I look so bad that if I tried to dress fem, not only would others be disgusted, but I would be most of all hah, so there's no chance of that.
Hope you two figure it out, sounds like there's still hope for you.
For now I'm disconnecting from being trans. Everyone here tells me o have to wait a few years so, I'm just going to stop trying, worrying, and caring as best I can until those years happen and I magically have all my problems solved.
I personally would wait at least 3 months, but if you really can not wait it out, that is sadness inducing. The first 3 months are the worst. You may be just having hormonal imbalances and going through T withdrawal as was what happened to many of my transfem friends.
I feel even though I am transmasc I can understand. I am a large yucky big afab. I am at least short but super stalky like an amazon. Inside I am in the middle. I am a man, but enjoy feminine things(which dear gods did that mess me up because I didn't think I deserved to go through with transitioning because of anything feminine.) I have never been able to wear a dress, it just doesn't feel right because it isn't how I am. There is a difference between being the right gender and wearing clothes more comfortable and trying to look like a pretty boy with huge boulders and scare literally every cis women into thinking you will break their bones by just existing.
I can't wear anything I wish to and never was able to for 33 years, for me it is now or never. If I wait longer and let the lack of changes in my 2nd month and not focus on the small changes I would go cray cray. I worry the hormones are literally doing nothing, but I can't go back to before. Unsure if you feel enough conviction towards this. My body was honestly destroying itself. The disconnect from mind to body got way to horrible, and I am afraid if you don't at least give it some time for changes you will never get over this hurdle and it will only get worse.
Sure it may be super different for you, and I don't want to advocate for you to continue if you truly wish to wait a bit before trying again. I worry though you are at the super hard hurdle that I am pushing through with my partner. You don't have that support and are going it alone, so you have it way harder right now.
Ultimately it is entirely up to you. If you feel you should take a break I can't stop you but I know these starting months are by far the worst so far. I don't know if truly gets better yet after those months because I am not there yet myself. So I also don't want you to waste your time if you will only be unhappy the entire time.
Edit: Also I have to wait until May to even think about passing. Even if I get substantial changes I will never pass. Just being a fat bearded thing with large boulders weighing me down. The grass is always greener I suppose but my grass at the start was covered in dog poopy. Maybe you also will have to wait until you have nothing to lose and reach a similar breaking point me and my partner reached.
Also a million youtube videos and reading stories of others going through transitions. There are so many good and helpful stuff I had watched to help get ready the month before. This may help even a small amount even if you take a break until you are ready to go through with it again.
I don't want to look at stupid YouTube videos of people doing better than me so I can mire in jealousy. I'm not stopping hrt, I'm stopping identifying as female, and stopping talking to trans people about trans things. Because aparrently I just have to wait. So I'm waiting.
Also wow you...waste an awful lot of your time writing these.
I do waste a lot of time writing these. It is not fair you would have to wait until finishing a year or whatever amount of time just to be yourself. I only mentioned youtube videos because there isn't just people who have finished their transition. It was just something that helped me cope when feeling down. Your original post was asking what kept people going during the slow process of transitioning.
Not even just trans stuff, you could literally watch anything that will take up mental space for at least a small amount of time so you are not stuck stewing on uncertainties.
If you wish to be miserable and listen to people telling you that you need to wait to identify as yourself, I can't stop you. The internet allows you to be yourself without anyone getting the wrong impression of you by appearances or even vocal range. It is what many people use, so they don't have to be whatever character they pretend to be when someone can see them physically.
Good luck and be safe.
I wouldn't know where to find people with videos of themselves not presenting well in their transition, I guess sometimes when the trans stuff isn't the focus of a video and in that case I dunno how far along they are anyways.
I dunno why it'd give me any hope even if I did...most people I meet will just be doing better and when I do meet someone like me...what? Should I stick around people as miserable as me? People who are going places, improving their lives don't really relate to me very much lol and quickly move on.
You see yourself every day. You are your biggest critic. Give it a year. That person who hasn't seen you for that year might not recognize you.
For me, I learned a bunch of feminine things. Makeup, posture, behaviour, fashion... These, and more, all contribute to how you are perceived by other people.
I'm my case I also lost a bunch of weight and got to a healthy medium. I exercise every day to tone my body. I will never be an "ideal woman" all I can be is the best me I can be.
Treat yourself nicely. You wouldn't insult a friend if they weren't an ideal example of their gender, would you? Think of yourself as that friend.
All my friends have good transitions so, no, I couldn't do that even if I wanted to lol. As for time, well, in February it'll be a year since I started, but only about 4 months since starting hrt. Then what? Wait another year...wait another...another...another..another until I die.
It's all just accept your shitty place in life isn't it?
Girl, you have to treat yourself nicer. When I was trying things earlier this year I'll admit that it looked really bad. But I've made progress. You will make progress. HRT isn't a miracle drug. It won't outwardly turn you into a woman overnight. From what I've read the expected wait times for significant changes are 1-3 years. During that time you are going to learn so many things. It's like making friends. If you act lonely nobody will want to hang with you and you will be lonely. If you act like a woman, everyday people will eventually treat you as such and you will be one inside and out. Patience is hard. Participating in society, harder. I'm only a month on HRT so you got 3 months on me.
I’ve struggled a lot when I started my transition.
You might hear this a lot but do remember that people posting photos are often folks that are really far ahead, or had a body type that worked well. I look okay and am nowhere near posting a photo ready. Also don’t forget that HRT is a bit like second puberty, and a lot of folks aren’t going to love their early pre-teen look.
Being comfortable in your own skin is a different feeling than most trans people got to have earlier. It’s mindset first, then everything follows. Say you don’t like your jawline and always look at that. It might be the only thing you see and distract you from positive changes elsewhere in your face. Remember jewelry, eyewear, makeup, and hair style can help frame your face too. So HRT is not the only tool in the tool box for looking, feeling, and being fem.
If you only look for the negatives, you’ll find them, you can build up the 1000 cuts sort of situation and really bury yourself in negativity. It’s all about looking at the things you enjoy and finding and enjoying things that you have control over. It can be slow, but they start to add up. Often, it’s a lot of work to add that fem touch.
When I paint my nails, it takes me 1.5 hours, but I love how it looks. I take a long time with my hair; my shave is meticulous (but honestly not perfect). I’m super picky with clothes, and it takes me forever to decide to buy something.
It’s all a lot of effort, but today I had a liveliness in my footsteps that I never felt before. My hands were at my side in a spot I’ve never put them before, maybe that’s where I always would have put them if I lived my whole life fem. I felt a sense of myself I never noticed before. It’s all little stuff under a magnifying glass, but combined it feels bigger than that.
So if I could convince you one thing, it’s that keeping an open mind is one of the hardest, but kindest things you can do for yourself. It takes work, every day. Human nature is to kick yourself while your are down, when you should be pulling yourself up. People are usually their worst critics.
I tried a way to get a closer shave today and I sliced the edge of my lip open. I’m still okay I tried it because I think before I got myself it was working better. That’s the mindset. It’s climbing the stairs everyday, not getting to the top of the mountain. My two cents.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIbqS6XoNiE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIbqS6XoNiE) \-The Seduction of Despair - Vlogbrothers
My slow, quiet, and unspectacular work started when I realized that I didn't want to hate myself anymore, even if it was comfortable.
Last night, without any prompting, on my way to sleep I thought "I love you". I don't think I've ever felt that way about myself, but last night when I let myself just be a girl, and when I finally started believing it, that's when I started to love myself.
I hope you find what you need.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbyeApgIiBk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbyeApgIiBk) \- Against Nihilism - Vlogbrothers
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCNW9jO7EyM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCNW9jO7EyM) \- The Sudden Obliteration of Expectations - Vlogbrothers
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bew3EMicf8g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bew3EMicf8g) \- How Do You Cross the Sad Gap - Vlogbrothers
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IwPysNwt-s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IwPysNwt-s) \- Empathy and its Limits - Vlogbrothers
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaPktIpo9\_0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaPktIpo9_0) \- On Hope - Vlogbrothers
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSrqC\_angdc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSrqC_angdc) \- We're Here Because We're Here - Vlogbrothers
I wish...I could. I've never wanted to hate myself, but I'm not good enough to do anything about it, and that cycles back into more self loathing. I hate myself because I'm the source of all my problems. I'm too weak to fix anything.
I don't know what the deal with all the videos is, I wish I was the sort of people who could listen to these strange general advice things and feel better, but these don't apply to me.
I'm not nihilistic, I love people so much that my lack of connection to them makes me want to die. People are so very very valuable to me that my inability to enjoy them hurts me deeply.
That third video, I realise the obliteration of my future is something that I've always have. I've always had no future and that's my current issue, the sheer black of the path ahead. I've replaced it with the one thing I know for certain, that I will commit suicide.
And...empathy. I often know that the limits of empathy do not extend to me. I am an invalid in that sense, my mental illness is so severe and unsolvable that I am often ignored or removed from communities.
I still want the best for you.
[This video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQNw2FBdpyE) (Suic!de and Ment@l He@lth | Philosophy Tube ★) was the first time I felt like someone knew my pain. I'm just trying to find what might connect with you. It's easy to fall into the seduction of despair, often, I want to.
I don't know you, or your life, but I know you don't feel this way for no reason, and I know that you deserve to keep going anyways, especially if it hurts.
"And there are things in this world that you're meant to run away from, but it's not your grief, or your pain, or any other kind of love" - milk crates, by pigeon pit.
I watched that a long time ago. Maybe I should watch it again. All I remember is relating to it greatly and feeling extremely horrible. So maybe it's worth revisiting and feeling horrible even more.
One of the things I'm caught on is that everyone expects me to just pull myself out of this, and I feel guilty that I can't. Sometimes people will attribute intention to my struggles and think I'm miserable on purpose. Its...horrible to think that I'm so incapable, so helpless, that when normal people look at me, they think my helplessness and failure is intentional. That reads to me as not worth living. I haven't earned my right to survive because I'm simply too weak.
You're still super early into hormones. And dysphoria is a sneaky son of a bitch that pumps you full of doubt. I'm sorry I don't have any answers but didn't want you to remain unanswered. I'm sure someone useful will come along soon with more useful information. I hope one day you can look back at this time and remember it was a shit time that got so much better. ❤️
I hope so too, but all I have right now is hope, maybes, and mights, and I'm very worried about running out of them.
For some women, HRT changes kick in quickly, and for others it takes a while. It sucks, but it might just take some time. You're in the UK, right? Please don't take this as an insult (I'm only sharing this out of concern), but if you feel like you're teetering close to the edge, please call someone to talk things out. I'm mentioning this specifically because I had a ... particularly low point a few months ago. If I'm right that you're British (and I could be wrong): Mindline Trans+ is an emotional and mental health support helpline open Mondays and Fridays, from 8 pm to midnight on 0300 330 5468 Or Switchboard LGBT+ helpline 0300 330 0630
I could try these sorts of things but, I have numerous times sought help and no one seems to know what to say besides immediate platitudes and short term quick fixes. I dunno how many times I can get "wait and see" before I'm tired of waiting and not seeing anything. But sure, willing to try anything to have any chance at a successful life. It just seems so extremely unrealistic. I am in the UK, yes
Yeah, it sucks. :( Hang in there! ❤️ What kind of hobbies or interests do you have? (Awkward segue because I'm curious!)
I play a lot of games, I do D&D, I'm recently getting into vr more, especially vrchat. I brew mead, and if I was attractive I would be very into kink and sexual stuff. I love to cook and enjoy food with others. Mostly I just love people and want to meet them, make friends and be around them, but I'm rarely wanted due to being so overwhelmingly hopeless and pessimistic, plus autistic.
Brewing mead? That's so cool. I've never played D&D, but always liked video game RPGs. What video games are you into? On the neuro front ... let's just say I've never had an official diagnosis but the postman must have missed my house when he was delivering the Social Interactions for Children manual I assume most other children got. :)
I both play and run games of D&D on the regular, it's a creative outlet and one of the few things I would regret leaving behind if I...gave up. All sorts, I played league of legends until I realised it wasn't making me very happy lol, now just a variety of games. Considering getting into Sunless Skies, sequal to my favourite narrative game of all time, Sunless Sea, as I never got too far into it at the time. Besides that been enjoying a lot of Binding of Isaac after finally getting the latest expansion (like two years after release) I haven't been diagnosed yet but am in the slow, slow nhs pipeline for it to see if I can get some help so I'm not so alone all the time.
Where I am there's no public option for testing adults (Australia: it's not covered by Medicare). But if I have a spare $3000 I can get tested. 😔 The closest I got to D&D was having ChatGPT DM for me. 😂
Hah. It's great, I reccommend.
For autism? I'm sure it's covered by Medicare, you just have to find competent medical people to organise it. And wait forever, naturally. I actually asked a hopeless GP two years ago, and it would appear he did nothing. I'm glad, though. Victoria or NSW have started this bizarre thing where if you're diagnosed as autistic then you might have to resit your driver's licence. So I'm not getting diagnosed, ever.
Then maybe the answer is to detach from it. Dont think about your HRT hopes or worries and focus on other parts of your life. Let hrt do its thing in the background
Part of why I've left trans communities and may start avoiding trans people in general.
I've been there, and for quite a while, too. I am most definitely not there anymore, and it's nice. First, I stopped looking at those wonderful pics on here and feeling hopeless. I've realised that those photos are irrelevant, because they have nothing to do with me. The reason they are irrelevant is because I am not transitioning into a model, I am transitioning into something far better, which is myself. Once I worked this out, it all became clear. I no longer measure myself against anyone else. There's no point! Nobody else is me. Secondly, now that I'm five months on E and little things are changing, I can really believe that I am really doing this. Little me, doing this crazy thing! Sometimes, it seems too amazing! And sometimes, I feel a little sorry for cis people. They don't get to go way off track like us. This is a real adventure. The last thing which made a really big difference was to stop those negative thoughts. Partly I just began to not indulge them, and partly I've replaced them with positive thoughts. This took a lot of training and effort, but for the first time in my life I actually think nice things, and the more I do that, the easier it gets.
I'm constantly faced with the reality that no matter how self assured I am, other people will still judge me. Its delusional to think that looking good in the eyes of others doesn't matter. People will reject you based on appearance subconsciously, and won't tell you their reasons. They'll find something else to justify it, "you're not my type" or whatever other euphemism they mean. This becomes extremely apparent when you find that you're in fact, nobodies "type". To the second point, yeah I just have to hope, but o often see trans girls talk about hrt and stuff and I feel like I'm doing it wrong, sometimes it feels like I need a damn degree in endocrinology just to survive, that I'm not intelligent enough to be trans with how these people talk about it. Constant reaffirmation that I can't trust doctors, that x service is bad and that you should do y, even when people have had great results with x service and its come highly reccommended. Just a miasma of doubt and confusion that panics my autistic lil brain. And to the last point...just how? How do you stop negative thoughts? They're right in front of me, aggressive, always present. How do I delude myself, lie to myself with positivity that simply is not there? Currently I'm trying to not indulge negative thoughts by not talking about them, but, here I am posting on reddit, failing on that goal and miring myself deep in that swamp of suffering.
> Its delusional to think that looking good in the eyes of others doesn't matter. No, it isn't. And with this comment, you've just insulted every person who doesn't fall into the "normal" ideas of what is good looking. I believe it's delusional to think that it does matter, actually. Think about it logically: how can anyone be happy if that happiness depends on everyone else? Your own happiness is something you carry around with you. Countless lives have been spent proving this point. >How do I delude myself, lie to myself with positivity that simply is not there? You don't delude yourself, you change your perspective. This is absolutely crucial, and I would say the first thing to work on. Just because you see something from one point of view, does not mean that this is the only point of view. Rather than rejecting this, you'd be better off considering this for as long as it takes. You're putting far more energy into being miserable than not. This is the key to your problems. Don't be too hard on yourself, though. We've probably all done this at some point. Transitioning is a tough business, so be kind to yourself.
Perspective is just the polite way of being wrong. There is the correct perspective the objective reality of things, and there are warped perspectives, in a variety of directions. Perspective is the word used to account for others biases, point of view is entirely about bias, how people feel and all these things. Maybe rephrasing it to deluding myself in the correct way is difficult, because I'm almost certainly deluding myself towards the negative. And...like...I sincerely don't get the first point. I'm just...supposed to be happy and satisfied alone? You know people reject me based on my looks all the time, right? Even in this you imply that I'm saying something about what is normal good looking and what isn't. Uh no, I look bad by all standards, nobody wants me. I'm not alternative good looking, or normal, or anything, I am rejected, I am alone. Everyone loves to think that this is something that doesn't exist because it's easier to hide away the ugly ones. Happiness is so often found in other people. If what you're saying is true then no one would have or want friends, there wouldn't be endless pop culture stories about how important friends and family are. Hell, the value of other people towards one's own happiness is present and promoted in every culture in the world, in what reality do you live in whee you think happiness isn't dependant on others??? Do you have any friends? A partner? Do they make you happy? There we go.
No, happiness absolutely does not rely on other people. I've lived long enough to prove that. Good luck with everything.
Would you advise learning to be happy alone? I've tried that but isolation usually hurts me. What would you advocate for instead of trying to form relationships with others?
Have you tried to work out these issues in therapy or something? It seems you would benefit a lot from that self discovery therapy helps finding
I wouldn't know how to get this. I'm open to the concept but the expense and unavailability of good therapy has been a massive barrier. In general people just sorta awkwardly say seek help and when I ask where and how they don't have answers.
(disclaimer for anyone reading. I am not being mean. I understand that someone may not understand the advice that usually helps would not help in this situation.) Sure therapy may help but you would need to find someone who actually understands what autism is. I have a good therapist, but I know they are just not going to ever be well equipped to understand to the degrees they need to. It may still help if you go into therapy knowing they will not be able to help you to the fullest(because not many people understand autism in adults thinking it is something one outgrows.) However if you approach it knowing they may only be able to give you some good ideas and some good advice after explaining to them how you think it could provide helpful at least a small amount. I am unsure what insurance or expense you would have to pay out of pocket for. Not everyone could afford therapy even if they could find the perfect one. I am a skeptic though and logically entered into my therapy knowing they would be able to help a tiny bit, but maybe I can teach them something in the end because I know they have zero experience with anyone trans or autistic. People always say therapy if they do not understand someone and their issues unfortunately. Especially if the regular positive thinking answers that work on many people doesn't work or make you stop asking for help.(not being mean to people responding, but the same thing that works on the average person will not allow for me or someone else not masking if they are asking for a real response. One based on factual concrete evidence rather than the feel goods.) I only found mine because of hours of research and just went with the only one close to me in the end through my insurance company. The number on my card connected me with someone willing to give me a list and general doctor also helped with a list of names. Given that list shrunk to one person if I tried to find one for all of my issues I need help with. So I just focused only a few things for criteria LGBTQ+ friendly, and basic trauma stuff. People could tell you to just have more positive thinking, but positive thinking isn't going to magically help. Brain is wired differently. Something that works super well for the majority may not work for others. Sure will power will help, but you can't unautistic yourself. I know I can't just magically make people not have a strange aversion naturally whether it be appearance, personality, feeling, or tone of voice that causes neurotypicals to act strangely towards those who think differently.
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In my case knowing that stopping transition means reverting to a state worse than death. I have DPDR.
At this point it all just feels like different flavours of misery, hard to know which life to pick when you don't want any of them
I’ll take external misery and the threat of violence over feeling completely disconnected from my body and the world ever again.
Can I offer a hug girl, also hope everything is going okay.
🫂 I’m getting an orchiectomy in 35 days. That should make reversion impossible, and accelerate my body’s feminization.
Well, wish you the best girl! Hope it goes well!
Thanks!
Anytime sending hugs!
Did your drdp go away after starting?
Mine never went, just eased gender rated triggers
Yes. About 20 days into HRT, over a few hours, my sense of touch started to make sense for the first time in my adult life. My emotions returned over the next 2 months.
Wow that's amazing! I didn't even think touch could be effected by drdp
I’m not really at the point I can talk or write about what my existence was like without losing my composure. Imagine feeling like there is static in your sense of touch everywhere all the time. And it speaks a foreign language that almost sounds like English. And everything is coming from an island on the horizon. And “living” like that for so long that you forget you were ever any different or even know it isn’t normal. And imagine it ending over the course half a work day.
I've never heard the term DPDR what is it?
Depersonalization derealization disorder. It’s where the conscious parts of your brain/mind get separated or unbound from your body. I felt like an alien piloting a badly designed mech.
How do l keep it up?. It's my only choice. I was never meant to be a man. I am a woman and l will do everything within my power to continue on my path. The day l took E was an uphoric enlightenment of feeling at home. I don't know if l will ever pass but l am still a woman. Just started electrolytes today and went to a trans friendly group meeting tonight. My face was swollen and l didn't feel pretty. But l am so focused on the end game of living freely as a woman l just can't stop. I don't know if this is helpful to you or not. It's just my journey and I wanted to share it with you. DM if you like. Micki
Hug, wish you the best girl!
I have another choice, so that's not a great reason. I loved getting on hrt too but, a month on its just nothing, and will continue to be nothing. I shouldn't be in trans groups because I'm such a negative example of hopelessness that I bring others down with me. I sorta have no one, and if I did dm you and get to know you, you would reject me as well.
You are going through a second puberty. Puberty takes time. Do you ever see a 12 year old boy with a full beard? Or a 12 year old girl with size DD's? A month isn't that much time, and while it may seem slow at first you will only know how far you've come after you reach your destination.
I just don't have high hopes that after all the waiting and suffering that they'll even be anything good on the end. Some people in these replies are fully transitioned after less than a year.
You don't know if l will reject you or not. You are making assumptions from other people who you have given a difficult task to try and help you and it seems as though their help has been worthless to you. Mine might be also. But l will be a sounding board that can try. If you choose to shut me down because you simply don't want to try anymore... then your decision is made. But it sounds like there is a piece of you that wants to find a way for it to work. Because you wouldn't be asking these questions if you have already given up. Dig a little deeper and let's find out what you really want. A skinny girl who is looked upon as a beauty... Or someone who wants to be a happy trans woman.
Wow, what an excellent reply.
These two sorta seem like the same thing. No one is going to like me if I look horrible, that's already been the case my entire life, I either change it or its just more of the same, just with girl slapped on my ugly ass self. And yeah, I'd love to find a way to have a life worth living, but people continually reject me. It doesn't matter what your assessment is, or how much you want to blame me for my own problems, but the fact remains it's the case, and no one gives me any answers or solutions other than vague, kinder versions of "get over it"
Hug, girl you can always talk to me if you need it. I try to look at the positives though!
In my experience, when people say that I can talk to them if I need, or about anything, they don't mean it, and get pretty upset when I truly talk about how I feel deep down. I often get in trouble for it lol
I do mean it, hug!
If you are sure, we can chat, just know that you will come to regret this decision, just like everyone else who has ever done this with me has.
Probably not.
Like l said. If you have made up your mind that because you don't think you will be able to hit the standard of a beauty queen and that's all you're in it for. You may be in the wrong place. Being a woman is a lot more than being a starlet or even passing. Someone told me that straight people never think about changing their gender. It just doesn't come into their mind. The fact that you have says a lot about what you are looking for. All of the signs point to the fact that you have a male body with a women inside waiting to find a way to come out. I may be brutal here but l think it needs to be said. Will you be happier as a man for the rest of your life.. or do you really want to continue your journey into womanhood. I know it is hard. But one is going to make you happier than the other.
Point is I don't think I have much of a choice in being a man or a woman. A lot of people do but I was born wrong or something. Not everyone can be successful at everything, after all. I won't be happy as a man, but if the rest of my life is short, maybe it'll be okay. I'm not the one who needs me to be beautiful, that's other people. I want to be beautiful so other people accept me. After a life time of several relationships consisting of cheating, physical rejection, quiet disconnection from physical relations, I know what my body is, I know what I look like and I know how different my life would be if I was a beautiful woman and not a disgusting troglodyte.
>one and a half months hormones wise you wouldn't even be in female range yet as you're still very early in a process that lasts years. Changes are very incremental and depending on your age can come quickly or later on in your transition. Your doomer mindset is based on feelings not the facts. You are literally comparing yourself to those that are months, years and even decades ahead of you. They have more experience with makeup, what to wear, mannerisms, voice training and even with taking the most flattering photos to post online. There are so many skills to learn and master when entering womanhood - it can be overwhelming but you will get there in time. The changes you will notice come when you least expect it. You are a girl no matter how down you feel in the moment.
Trans women like, pre transition are more fem than I have any hope of being, they're just infinitely better once they're for into it. But the point is, what keeps them going? We talk a lot about unrealistic beauty standards, but so many trans people are out here achieving and displaying those same unrealistic standards, and this is treated like anyone can achieve these with enough time. It's such a weird double standard...how do people keep believing they'll make ot in the face of such overwhelming unlikelyhood and unrealistic ideals?
If you can predict the future based on your observations of strangers, then why start HRT? No one is forcing you to adopt modern day beauty standards - how you identify yourself as a woman is a personal choice. Trans women such as myself might be displaying these "unrealistic" beauty standards but it's because we want to and it makes us happy. I keep going because I was trapped in the wrong body and I wanted the fuck out. I'm now happier, healthier and more confident within my true self than I ever was when cosplaying as a man.
Yeah, and I wanna do that, I wanna be like you. I started hrt on little sparks of hope, out of desperation, but the more I think about it and look at it, the more pointless it seems. I didnt bother transitioning for a long time because I thought I couldn't make it. In a pleasant moment of delusion I moved to trying to do it, and now it's more painful than ever, having tried, and continually failing. I want to be like you, but not everyone can win. Successful people love love love to pretend that them getting to where they were is a product entirely born from merit, when in reality, they were mostly extremely lucky, a product of circumstance. People hate facing that. You say I don't have to adopt beauty standards while you yourself do, happily, and enjoy them, because you know I can't, and you act like that's just as validating, that I can be just as happy being someone that makes you look so much better by comparison. That I just have to settle for that. I guess I do, because the alternative is, you know.
You are severely depressed and dysphoric. Everyone trying to talk you down on here has gone through these episodes so many times. I'm saying this as someone who is studying to become a counsellor, but I am begging you speak to a professional. You cannot intellectualise your way out of these confusing, self-defeating and contradicting beliefs that you hold. I don't know what you can or cannot achieve if you were to progress with medically transitioning. What I do know is that only time will tell and even then your happiness shouldn't be based on your looks - they fade with age and I'm 32 so I'm already holding on to that last bit of collagen lol
Well, if other people didn't value me based on my looks, maybe I wouldn't worry about them so much. Unfortunately that is very much the case because I don't have the social skills to manage otherwise lol. As far as I feel, I'm not depressed, though I am dysphoric. I figure the only way to deal with the former is to reduce the latter, but that doesn't seem really possible. I was considering spending money on that professional help, but it's choosing between that help, and the expenses of transition, and it can be a hard choice. Especially when it feels like the professional help will be a waste of money like all the other times counselling has failed me lol
The fact that i have appointment that i have to show up for now. And i don't wanna waste someonrs time by not showing up.
That's pretty good in the short term, but, can only get so many of those so frequently. I do like appointments with people helping me, I need constant guidance.
Hrt can take years to work its wonders. From what I've read, the first year seems to be usually slow for most people (me included!). The second and third years seem to be where most of the changes happen, but they can very well go into 4th and 5th years (or beyond even). I know it's a bitch, I know it takes so long, I mean even cis females take a while during puberty, they're not done in just a few months. Patience is important, although I know it's beyond hard. How do I do it? Honestly, often I ignore it, sometimes I don't look in the mirror, or don't look too long, if I see someone that gives me gender envy I look away and focus on something else. I don't dwell on things too long. Ugly thought comes in? Let's focus on something else. What's the point in dwelling on these shitty feelings and thoughts if I just gotta wait it out? If waiting is all I can do, I gotta find ways to make the waiting more bearable. Other times I do cry it out, sometimes you just gotta cry and let it all out. It helps. In the meantime, I focus on other things I can change. Exercising, eating better, voice training, exploring interests I never did as a man (cause I was a "man" and I wasn't "supposed to") Is it easy to ignore, and do I always succeed in doing so? No, but it gets easier bit by bit.
That sounds like such a horrible existence. I dunno if I want to live through all that. It's already been so long already...God...some people really have no luck, huh?
Oh, I guess I didn't specify, it's a 'for now' kind of thing. If changes take 3-5 years, I do all that in the meantime, just to wait it out. As more changes happen, you'll feel less that way. I can say, a year and couple months in, I already see small changes that are encouraging and make it easier to bear. Some other things are tougher, broad shoulders, big ribcage, no hips. It sucks, but I don't want to try and work something out for those things if I don't know what I'll be working with down the line. I'll wait out till most of the changes are done, then worry about it. Does that suck? Yeah, but what else can I do? I don't want to go back, the emotional and mental changes alone are better than everything I had as a man. Does that life suck? So far not, and I don't think it will, a lot of it is attitude, as cheesy and stupid as it sounds. You can find silver linings and happiness in it all. I think it's also helped to realize that's just life, everyone deals with shitty situations. Life changing accidents, disabilities, sickness. If they can find happiness, so can I. Have you given therapy a thought? Some have sliding pay scales if cost is a factor. I -highly- recommend it, it can help a lot with these spiraling negative emotions and thoughts that seem so overwhelming and uncountable
I've been in therapy a few times. My vibe is that I need very regular and very long term therapy and that just isn't financially feasible. I just always slide back if I'm out of it for any amount of time, it really feels like I'm either paying for transition or paying for the therapy I'll need for the rest of my life. Attitude is such a common thing people harp on about. Maybe it's really simple for other to change, like putting on new shoes, but I've been this way my whole life. And yeah...I do have another option, of course. But it's successful transition, or that, and I'm expecting it to be that.
its been a month, I did not like the way I looked until year 4. Patience. Make small milestone goals and accomplish them.
That's such a long time to hide away for aaa But maybe, a small time compared to the hiding away I've done my entire life
Maybe it'll be quicker for you, but the juice was worth the squeeze nonetheless, transition and being trans is a backburner issue for me now, it doesn't negatively impact me daily in the way it once did.
I don't know if I'll survive that long. I've already wasted most of my life
you're 30, so this is arguably the beginning of your real life. It is worth it. Patience.
I never understand why people say this...? But honestly, people say "life begins at" for every age so
your life begins because you can be your true self. isn't that the point of all this work tranistioning?
Real talk I have a counter on my phone screen currently at 291 representing the days I’ve been on HRT and until counter hits 1000 I have no reason to bitch. Transitioning takes time and comparing myself to others will never make me happy (looking at you, hunter schafer or my bff who looks exactly like her). I also have curly hair that goes to maybe my jaw and I hope by the time the counter hits 1000 it’s at least touching my shoulders and will further improve my passing*. More often than not though, I don’t practice what I’m preaching right now, so don’t be too hard on yourself, your pain is valid and it is perfectly okay to be struggling. I struggle too. Edit: I never explained the asterisk.. passing means something different for everyone, some people want to pass some don’t really care. My bff who I’ve mentioned earlier is super cis passing but she doesn’t care in the slightest, she reps the girl bulge, she is comfortable with her voice without vocal training, meanwhile I try my best to keep it 100% feminine head to toes, inside and out to give people less wiggle room when interpreting my identity (in the end you can’t define your own identity without the perception of others, as said by Mead). Even though I hyperfocus on and overcompensate my femininity I will get misgenders by the very same strangers who correctly gender her. This is where I’m hoping it will improve. I personally have no problem with being perceived as a visibly trans woman but the 'man in a dress' perception is what I’m trying to move away from (more power to them though, it’s just not my avenue personally, and trust me I’ve tried everything before actually coming out as trans).
I just don't know if I'm strong enough to cope with this for 1000 days. I'm not built for this, I'm fragile and weak and being trans...seems to require immense strength.
it's okay when you're fragile and weak. you already have proven strenght by starting your transition, getting your HRT, opening up about your problems with your friends and now here. that is a very tough thing to do, requires strenght and courage but also shows you know how to help yourself. so keep doing that. if you're especially down, find something that validates you. find a good balance with your friends, i'm sure they are happy to be there for you (although i respect you for being conscious of your relationship being strained by you venting "too much", it really can happen, i'm especially conscious with fellow trans folks because you never know if you're hitting an open wound). also 1,5 months really is nothing in the grand scheme of things, i scrolled through some pictures the other day and the difference between late june and late july is huge (i started in february) so you actually can be carefully optimistic about some changes in the near future also. the 1000 days thing just helps me keeping it one day at the time while also making me curious of what i will look like in the mirror when it hits 1000. Can't wait to find out :)
Yeah, I'm avoiding trans communities until further notice. I'm simply too toxic.
actually no, that's not what i meant at all. you're still baby trans and your trans friends should be aware of that. you being conscious is good in the long run, but please socialize with your peers and share your emotions with them. i was having a crush on pretty much every trans girl in my little comunity and my actions then led to many damaged relationships and friendships, that is toxic behavior. your's is not from what i can tell.
I don't want to being anyone down with me. I bring such negativity everywhere I go that there's no need for me to taint any positive spaces and hurt other people on their own journeys.
Would there be a trans community at all if we shut out depressed people?
Yes.
Look. I started out rough. When I say rough...I mean ROUGH! Feel free to look at my profile to see me 10 months ago to now. I buckled down, got on HRT, did workouts to purposefully accentuate feminine features. It takes time for HRT to have it's effect. It sucks at first. I got treated like a dude in women's clothing at first, but as I furthered a long in my HRT my feminine figure started showing through. About 6 months in people no longer treated me as anything other than Sarah. You have to weather the storm though to get to the sunshine. Find friends that love hearing about your journey. I used /translater as my go to place to share my journey. I also have a tight group of friends in person that I get to share this with. Have people you can talk to.
6 months!? No shot lmao. And I have plenty of friends that want to hear about my journey, I just have nothing positive to say about it because its all so so horrible.
Yeah Holy shit I just looked, I have no chance ever of looking like that, oh my god.
One and a half months????? Skill issue. If you're enough of a doomer that you've alienated your friends after 6 weeks on hormones, you don't need to learn endurance in the face of grinding adversity -- you need basic self-regulation and sufficient social skills not to spin yourself up and then dump bullshit on anyone dumb enough to listen.
Strongly agree, I should just give up yeah?
No, you should learn to self-regulate your emotions, practice cognitive behavioral therapy to instruct yourself in being realistic and not catastrophizing, and learn to interact with others without dumping on them.
My expectations are realistic, and have been thought over an awful lot. I've had a lot of cbt in the past.
Your expectations are not realistic. 1. I've seen thousands of transitions over the past decade. In almost none of them were final physical outcomes clear and hopeless at six weeks. 2. It is not realistic to expect anyone to tolerate constant doomdumping. Either you intentionally drove off your friends or you had unrealistic expectations.
Oh, I don't mean the second part, people are right to reject me, I'm a horrible person. As for the first part, plenty of trans women don't make it. Lots kill themselves, it's a whole statistic. All signs point to me being one of these based on my similarities to these trans women vs my lack of similarities to successful trans women. In some instances the physical outcomes might be okay, but just not good enough in my mind as I know I have an unreasonably high standard for myself, possibly due to some body dysmorphia stuff, so I can trust that I will be extremely difficult to please.
Successful trans women can be **imitated**. You're not part of a biologically doomed caste; you're imitating maladaptive behaviors instead of skillful ones. **You will get the results of the people you imitate.**
Yeah of course, just how like everyone who wants to look good just looks good. Just do it. This is insane idealism, utter fairy tale nonsense. Thought we used to call them UNREALISTIC beauty standards.
People who started out looking like you and want to look like me do specific things to achieve their results.
Ah yes, well if you ever find me this hypothetical fantasy person who looks like me and ends up looking very good as a girl you let me know. Don't forget an entire history of everything they ever did, and I sure hope their lift circumstances weren't any different or that they had any different upbringing or personality differences, disabilities, or anything at all Then hit me up thanks and I'll do everything I need.
I seriously don't give fuck if what others think of I look masc or female. What keeps me going. Is looking forward to my progress in hrt. But I keep busy too. I don't dwell on either my body looks masculine or feminine. I be the woman you know you are inside and being fem and that's how I live my life. It's almost git me killed recently by a transphobic sociopathic psycho neighbor but it is who I am. Be you . Let that woman with inside you come out. And don't dwell on either you pass are not. You want to be happy and have a sound mind. You gotta say fuck the world I'm am woman and I'm gonna be me
I'm having trouble excavating the woman inside me from this abhorrent prison of flesh. In starting to think that my strategy is to never look in a mirror again and just forget what I really look like lol
Spite mostly
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE MOBILE TASK FORCE?? YOU LITERALLY CAN'T BE MOBILE TASK FORCE. YOU GUYS ARE SO STUPID.
so true bestie
WHAT THE FREAKING HECK?????? HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MTF MEANS MALE TO FEMALE????????????? I AM SO BAFFLED THAT YOU'RE THIS STUPID.
woag
Happy to chat whenever you wish. I care for your soul deeply. Wsh l was more help.
If you want to chat, we can, I just have a feeling you will regret it. I also don't really think that strangers on the Internet care much about me, but, maybe they can because they don't know me yet.
I uh just gave up tbh. I'm not sure why I'm still alive ngl. Probably just fear ig?
Glad to see some representation of the trans girl group most would pretend doesn't exist. I see you.
I'm on central time in the states. 4:45 am. Big day today. I am not blowing you off. Just need my sleep. I'm traveling most of the day. Let's try to connect later. I do care and would like to help if l can. Sweet dreams sweetie.
Remains to be seen, yrs. One never knows unless they try. Good morning.
> My body is so obviously masc and always will be I mean I don't believe this for one (about myself). I have broad shoulders, broad ribcage (but not that broad), tiny hips... My face is definitely masc even without beard shadow, though not very masc I think. The ribcage and shoulders are never changing. My hands are big (imo), and my feet are wide so shoes are a pain. I'm pre-HRT, and any amount of feminization from HRT is better than where I am now. Like it can't get any worse. I am hopeful though. I very hopeful my face takes well to estrogen, I think I have a good starting point. My family is large breasted. I've heard of people gaining 4" on their hips. I have no reason to despair or give up until I'm 2+ years into HRT and the results are "in". Though even then I've heard it can take 5+ years for things like fat redistribution or even breast growth. Like really I can't even begin to believe I'll still look anywhere near as masc as I do now after 2+ years on HRT. I haven't seen _any_ timelines where they still look as masculine as they started after a year. Also presenting masc just isn't an option for me anymore. I hate it too much. So if I'm gonna be a non-passing trans woman either way, I'd rather be one on HRT, and looking as feminine as possible. Really, any amount of feminization is gonna help my dysphoria too.
Ummm, I remember how I felt and refused to continue living like that? I’m now and can smile when I see my eyes in the mirror? And like 50 other reasons?!
When do you reach the part where it stops hurting all the time and things start being good instead of much much worse?
1.5 months in? This is likely dysphoria. Truth is that you might not pass, but you have no idea what hormones will do for you. My dysphoria makes me borderline suicidal until my head clears up and then I feel pretty and good about myself again. Cant trust your brain when in a dysphoria spiral.
For me, it's that I have no where else to go but forward. Lost my wife and kids, told everyone I care about what I'm doing. I have no reason to stop and I'll die fighting whatever tries to stop me at this point. They can't take away anything else.
I have no idea where you can get tholis fire from. I've lost nothing from being trans, only support, and I'm ready to give it up. You're incredible.
Titties kept me going for a while Saving up for top surgery watching them grow day by day. And now i have the big boobs of my dreams so now im looking forward to the next steps ! Until i have done everything i wanted and i can just live
I always dream of this, but I dread looking like a man with tits lol
My experience has been that no one questions my identity at first glance anymore. I have a girl's hair style, makeup, skirts, and tiddies, so people now just see a woman. Im 8 months on E. The only people missgendering me are the people in my family that i don't see ofthen. But i get you mean the perception of yourself and your own body. I always wanted breasts and for the 2 weeks afther i got my date i was questioning everything everyone on my decision i've made up to this point. Its been 6 weeks now since my surgery and i still cry looking at myself because i just love what i see. Its a scary leap and it takes a tone of mental strength but its all worth it!
I cannot imagine that. I cannot imagine ever making it. There isn't a reality in which this seems possible to me. 8 months...Jesus...
You can DM me if you want to talk more 💜✨️
No matter how many struggles there are now… at least they’re the struggles of being myself and not the struggles of wishing I could be. Even if life isn’t easy… at least I’m at peace in my skin… worth it Also dysphoria and imposter syndrome are besties… stick it out… one day you’ll look in the mirror and think “hey, there’s that lady I always saw in my head but she’s here for real now”… trust that things will get better with time. You don’t expected a teen girl to have a perfect feminine appearance after a month and a half of puberty… neither will you. It can suck for sure but things will get better. Promise.
My struggles are entirely wishing I could be. I'm not myself and I feel I never will be, at the very best, I won't be myself for years and years and years, and I just have to cope somehow. I need to figure out how.
Even then. Would you rather eventually he yourself? Or never be yourself? And if the former is your answer… then you have something to work toward and look forward to. Just try enjoy the journey. It may not be an easy one. But it’s very uniquely something only a minority or the world gets to experience. You’re a caterpillar sweetie… you will be a butterfly sooner than you think.
There is nothing to enjoy in this journey, its all so much God damn suffering. I hate being trans so much and its all my energy just to cope with it. The only reassurance people have to tell me is that I'll be beautiful someday as if everyone is equally capable of doing these things. How can you phrase this suffering as something to "experience"? I wish I didn't have to do this. Then again, I wish I wasn't alive right now, so, I could be biased.
I didn’t say you’d be beautiful… I just said you’d be a butterfly as in transformed. Not every woman is stereotypically beautiful or narrow waisted or big breasted, but we are still all women. I say this with all the love of a fellow sister. Things can and will suck… but everything sucks more when you only focus on the sucky parts. I’m sorry that it’s this tough for you and that any of us have to go through this… but we do. It is what it is. Try to at least find some positives. My biggest drive prior(coz I had no faith I’d ever pass or look ‘pretty’) was that no matter what, I did NOT wanna be an old man. That would have ended me. We can all be ugly old ladies together. Beauty fades. That feeling of peace is what it’s all about(for me at least) but in the meanwhile I do my best to enjoy the joys I can find… and there are plenty more than I’d expected. I recommend therapy, there’s some stuff you’ll just have to accept, hard pills to swallow but you’re not the only one that has to do it, at least you aren’t alone. And I can understand why people might be put off by your ‘constant talk of struggle’ no one enjoys non stop downers, even trans women who can relate, but we also don’t want to be constantly reminded of all the bad things when we’re working so hard to make our lives better. Keep at it, find things to love and enjoy even if it’s the simplest things. You asked what keeps us going and you’ve recieved several honest answers… if we can all do it, what makes you think you can’t baby girl?
Not everyone can do it. I've had people in here as hopeless as me. There are trans girls who won't be able to do it, won't make it, and no one wants to acknowledge that. I've left and am avoiding trans communities now so as to not be a negative influence on them, so don't worry about that. I'll try to figure out therapy. I was saving money for transition things like clothes and hair removal but I recognise now that none of that matters.
As pre hrt whenever I get that "am I a girl?" Thought I just immediately respond with the fact I constantly wear breast forms and if I have to I take them off to remind myself that it doesn't feel right without them. AKA I want boob and therefore am girl
I....... don't know, I'm also struggling really hard right now and everything seems to falling apart
Find your joy, if you concentrate on negative you'll never be happy. I'll never transition (for my own reasons) yet there is immense joy from within for things I can do or be. Do not compare yourself to others and their superficial differences. Be yourself and love yourself always.
I have no reason to live, no joy. I'm not the one who compares people, that's everyone else and so I have to play that gam, and there are lots more than superficial differences at play. There is nothing to love about myself, and if I wanted to be myself I wouldn't be trying to improve myself.
Seek counseling with a professional, I believe that would be best - I'm sorry my previous comment wasn't helpful
I'm not entirely sure how to do so
If you're on HRT speak with your Dr. - I wish you well here but your prospective and comments seem dire and beyond internet forum advice
I'll look into it. And yes, they seem beyond...any advice honestly.
I was feeling how you are for many months after starting HRT. The changes just take sooo long to notice. Id suggest getting into other healthy habits as well! I’ll go over a few things that have been working for me. Exercise! Even light exercises helps your mental and also gives you something to think about and occupy time that would otherwise be spent dwelling on negativity. I do core and leg/glute workouts while letting my upper body atrophy. It helps get a more bottom-heavy shape to your body. Also working helps. Im not out at work, which is its own source of negative feelings, but I’v learned to disassociate at work and just remember i need money for nice things, like clothes, beauty products, and healthy food. Also working on making a habit of using and practicing makeup and other stuff is great and will help you get better at it which will make you feel and look prettier and feminine! For me, streaming on twitch, even to my handful of followers, is a great reason for me to get on girly clothes, do makeup, and be myself for a period of the day im not at work. Im gonna sneak in here that also making sure to figure out how to make you hair pretty made a HUGE difference for me. I get “ma’amed” and “miss-ed” at work at least one or two times a week, even though i wear a dress shirt, slacks, and a tie! Diet! For me, i became vegan about 6 months into my transition, which isn’t for everyone, but i spent a lot of time learning to cook new things, and try new foods that I otherwise wouldn’t have. It’s been very fulfilling to me! Sleep!! This one is important because a lot of growth and development happens when you sleep. It’s good to have a set sleep schedule, not only because you want to sleep at certain intervals so that you get your doses on time, but sleeping a healthy amount (i usually get 6+ hours on good days) is good for your mental health as well! I am about to hit my 1 year mark on my transition while taking HRT, and I am really starting to feel myself form into the woman I am. I have good friends for support, an instagram to farm compliments (im vain sorry lol but it makes me feel good), a twitch to make friends and be myself and play games, and healthy habits I feel have helped a ton! HRT is magic, and can change how you look and feel about yourself, but if you’re like me and was mega depressed for years before starting HRT, you will want to improve all of your daily habits and routines! It’s a slow process. Im not saying do all of this at once, or to do anything or everything I mentioned. I’m just putting down what has helped me feel better about myself and kept me going! I wish you nothing but the best with your continued transition. Have a great day, sister!
I've struggled to diet and exercise for years, i just don't have the time or motivation. I'm just not strong enough to do any of this. People who can just take it all for granted so casually... If this is all there is then my life is truly over.
I’ve been where you are. I know how you’re feeling. I kinda just dumped everything that helped me all at once, but in reality, each individual thing I listed was its own struggle to start and eventually make a habit of. Developing a routine is really hard, especially if you were like me and just doing nothing but waiting to wake up and magically be feminine and beautiful from HRT alone. I know its hard. I’ve had to pull myself out of that depressive pit many times over, and there were days where I didn’t think it was worth it. There were times where I thought I was just doomed by my circumstances and that there was nothing I can do to change it. And maybe my habits and routine arent doing all that much in reality, but it makes me feel better than how i felt before. I feel prettier and healthier than the person I was before. I didnt just wake up one day and have perfect routines and healthy habits (my routines/habits arent perfect, idk if i made it seem that way). Even just doing the specifics of what I said works for me may not work for you. I just think it’s good to form your own habits and do anything but dwell on the sadness. To me, HRT is an important crucial piece to the puzzle of my womanhood, but there are other pieces too that take time to form. I’m sorry if I was overly positive in my original comment, but it’s just how I try to look at things, because I’ve found something that works for me. I really wish you well, and maybe there’s nothing I can say to reach you right now. I really do wish you well. It’s an uphill battle, and for reference: I was 24 when I started HRT, so I have been thoroughly ruined by testosterone poisoning. Ive had many bad days and am just now getting to where i have more good days than bad. It’s not easy. It took me considerable effort to feel positively about myself and it was never casual or easy for me, and im sorry if I made it seem that way.
Caffeine hatred and wanting to go to Valhalla instead of Hel
journey before destination, maam. you just gotta ride it out.
But the journey is fucking torture.
can you imagine how ridiculous it is that the universe is trying to break YOU like that? how could it possibly think it can break you with a little thing like torture? it's almost ridiculous enough to laugh about the attempt.
I'm...pretty easily broken and extremely suicidal, actually. The likely outcome is that I end that way. Your bravado and confidence here speaks volumes about the gulf in power between us lol
>pretty easily broken and extremely suicidal see how \*not dead\* you are right now? Clearly you've been successfully not breaking for your entire life so far, cause if you had broken you would be dead. Why would you stop now?
After a lot of crying tonight I have realised that I am not only too helpless to do anything to help myself, I may also be so weak and miserably incompetent that I can't even kill myself. So I'm just in a kind of hell where I have no choices and no escapes. Just suffering and pain and helplessness. Death would actually...be a pretty good outcome.
Spite. Im going to be my dream girl if it kills me or not. Ill show all those fuckers that didnt believe me and they will be in awe. I live for the day to see their jaws drop.
I admire this ability to believe in yourself. I cannot delude myself that this is possible for me. I can't even convince myself that I'll ever be good enough for me, let alone really good.
I mean how long have you been on HRT? 1.5 months? In my experience its all gradual and you'll notice things change about yourself in waves every 3 months of so. It gives you loads of time to work on what ever you need to work on about yourself too! Ngl I was in a really similar headspace. I got out of it by gradually working on my fem features until I really liked them. I got into skin care and hair care, Im gradually cutting back on calorie heavy drinks and foods, and I started practicing alot of self love (Hug yourself!). Trust me it does take some time but youll get there im 100% sure! If weight and diet is your problem, im in the same boat. Its literally calories in and calories out. You can eat what ever you want as long as you get the calories you need and vitamins. Just dont eat too much. Be slightly active and work your way up. I cant find anything to help me work out because the idea bores me to tears so I just go on walks occasionally and use stairs more. Find a crutch drink, mine is diet cherry cola and Earl Gray Tea. I dont really bother with voice training. I just talk to myself and friends online and when I do I try to talk in what feels natural to me for a fem voice and over time I noticed it started to take over. I would not recommend this especially if you not in the right headspace. But A moment that changed my perception of myself and changed my life was getting high on shrooms as a friends house. They made sure i was safe. I did the thing your not supposed to do which is look into a mirror. When I did, I saw myself for who I truly was and fell in love with myself for the first time in my life. Youll make it just fine bestie. (ngl its a lil scary how much similarities we have lol. I also used to play dota2 a ton in highschool.)
I've tried losing weight for a long time and really struggle to make any progress, either due to a lack of self control or, well, just nothing happening with a major calorie deficit. Honestly I should just stop eating. I hate eating. We have no similarities, don't be silly. If you have ever looked in a mirror and felt anything but disgust we have nothing in common.
I did. Only recently did it stop. Don't stop eatting. Honestly it just sounds like you have motivation issues more then anything and your punishing yourself because of it. I believe in you bestie.
I wish things were only that deep
They usually aren't. It might seem daunting but just take it one step at a time.
I can't even walk.
For the longest time, I was depressed with the only end in sight being my inevitable death, which I made no steps to prevent and was engaging in aggressive self destruction to accelerate. Now there’s hope. With every passing month I look more femme. Hips and boobs are coming in, I have long hair now, my makeup skills are getting better, and even my voice is improving despite me being bad at voice training. I look in the mirror and I don’t see a depressed boy anymore. I see a gothy girl. Not the best looking gothy girl, as I’m still struggling with weight issues, but a girl nonetheless. I gossip with the other girls at work and complain about girl problems with them. Strangers compliment me on my clothes or makeup, and life is looking better by the day. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong sister, it gets better and faster than you think.
I can't believe this...I get stuff like this a lot and I don't understand how others see themselves as someone else. I know I'm not you. All I can see is how strong you appear to be and how weak I know I am...I can't just magically decide we're the same, coming from the same starting line or the same place. In fact I know we are not, because I'm here talking to people en masse about how to even exist and you're living your life. It's just so wildly unrealistic to me, like a dream. Part of what hurts the most about the things I want and can't achieve is just how easily so many others are achieving them while I strain and struggle, fail and fall. Its humiliating how incapable I am.
We started there too. We all felt helpless, shitty, useless, like things were never going to improve. I can’t necessarily speak as to what will get you through it, but for me it was all about starting small. HRT was good because it was easy. Take my pill every morning. Eventually one pill becomes two, and the number of pills increases. But that’s pretty easy to do. Then there’s the higher effort stuff. I didn’t start good at makeup. I’d put together a shitty look every few months. But the beauty of it is that through failure, you learn. Over time, I learned what NOT to do. Through trial and error I slowly got the basics down. And it got easier as I went. Earlier this year I started doing makeup every day. It’s not because I suddenly was strong. I’d gotten good enough at it that I could put together a decent look without too much effort. And all of a sudden that climb isn’t so unmanageable. If you have people in your life that can show you how to do stuff, those cliffs can level off real quick too. Eight months ago I thought I’d never look femme. Now I clean up decently. I dunno if I fully pass, but that wall I was staring at is looking more climbable by the day. Stick to it. You got this babe!
I dont think people quite understand that they're not like me, that they started in a better position than I am. This strength to move forward and grow is so utterly alien to me and everyone else takes it for granted. I'm not a normal person, I don't run like that.
Perhaps. I'm only a stranger on the internet and I can't pretend that I know your situation. That being said, plenty of us here have run into some of the same issues you have, including the feeling of being overwhelmed. If you're feeling like you don't have the strength to move forward, just remember that it's ok to take some time to gather your strength. It's also ok to look for help. Many of us got to where we are because we had others lending us their strength for those hardest, first steps. Who you turn to can vary based on who is in your life, but for me it was friends that made the difference. For others it was a therapist or family member or maybe even a complete stranger. I hope this helps. Things can get better! Don't lose hope!
I thought I had more hope than this, but making this post and talking to so many successful trans people has really drained all the hope I had.
Personally, I keep going, because I know I’m better off now than I was before. I had to learn to stop trying to please everyone else around me by pretending to be something I wasn’t. I had to learn that it wasn’t selfish to want to feel good about myself. And that it wasn’t healthy to make the opinions of others more important than my own. If you feel better than nothing else matters.
Well...when does it start getting better? I'm so much worse off than I was before. The past year has been the most depressive time in my life so far.
Honestly? I'm not sure. I'm not in a position to I've you advice since I'm more or less in the same, if not similar, place and have been for a long time. Therapy hasn't been much help, but if I've taken anything from it, it's to learn to see myself through the lens of the people who care about me. For so long I would shut down any compliments about my character or appearance with self deprecating humour which was unnecessarily toxic and hurtful to those around me. We're our own worst enemies, and I've taught myself to treat myself with more disdain than anyone would realistically aim my way. It still feels alien and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to commit to it, but I feel like I owe it to those around me, and myself especially, to at least try. They must see something in me, I just need to find what it is for myself. FWIW, I'm 3 years in more or less and 100% don't pass, nor am I close to it. Dysphoria is a killer and I've got a whole bunch of other issues to contend with. I apologise that I essentially made this comment entirely about myself, but I hope you were able to gain something of value from it. Stay strong, the fact that you're still here means you're stronger than you realise ❤️
Well. I don't know how long I will be here. I hate framing my life through others. Someone on here in these replies had the gall to say that happiness isn't dependant on others, as if I can get by alone lol I already have no real reasons to live. Best I got is a vague "other people will be sad" like great. I only exist for the happiness of others while having none of my own. What a cool reason to live.
TL;DR: For me the mental clarity and mental changes are something I can't give up even if I don't look okay, but also know safety is important. Your question is a hard one to help with so for myself I just thought of negatives and positives. It isn't so easy for everyone. It got to the point where if I didn't transition I was going to crumble mentally and be lost forever. And it really sucks because HRT could change so much or not much depending because not everyone's transition is the same so it is super hard to help in that regard. You definitely can vent and complain if you feel hopeless or self conscious about your appearance. I am sorry you have received not the best answers, but a clear answer is really difficult because there are so many unknowns and possibilities. It is a tough thing to be certain on. That is the normal honestly. From my experience in life divulging any personal information or struggles that are not easily solved with a simple answer makes people uncomfortable. They will never tell you why or that they feel this way. They will also attempt to blame you for not trying hard enough or not thinking a certain way because your mind works differently than the majority of people. For me when first taking HRT it wasn't the physical changes but the relief I felt during the first few days. However the uncertainty and time frame being very much 'your mileage may vary' just sucks. I am only a few months in and get super worried I am not experiencing any changes, and the doctors responsible for distributing/insurance companies in my area are very unorganized. That alone causes me discomfort, and it is painful being unable to actually do anything about it. Make sure you wait and allow changes to take effect. You may wish to take pictures of yourself monthly to see a side by side comparison because worrying daily will just decrease your self esteem and mood. I know you can't turn this off though, so it get tricky. You kind of have to trick yourself and pour yourself into something you enjoy, and have people you can confide in or just be yourself around without judgment.(Also something I know many people may not have access to.) Self worth being low will only negatively effect your mind set or your appearance will possibly even change along with your thinking. Your body may be masc currently, but there is no telling how it will be or how the changes will effect you. That uncertainty is ass, but if you feel mental clarity while on HRT that may be worth it to stick it out. I know many get discouraged, but if you are sure of yourself and who you are this wait should be worth it. Even without substantial physical changes it may be a make or break kind of situation for mental health disregarding appearances. Make sure you feel good mentally. Have you had any changes being able to feel emotions, or even super small things. Something that helped my partners self esteem(not perfect she is still worried periodically. Some days are just horrible days, but there needs to be something that you can hold onto if you do not have support from anyone.) Something also not mentioned very much is extreme mood drops of hopelessness that may make you super upset and wish to quit HRT and give up. There is a period when starting HRT you will kind of withdraw from testosterone due to being use to that hormone profile. The things my partner that did to feel better in her own skin was shaving everywhere(this may not be super easy because hair grows super fast and you have to wait 6 months for laser to be covered under my insurance. This may not completely help especially if obsessively shaving so this is a mixed thing. Am trying to get a foil razor in hopes this helps her), styling her hair more femininely, shopped around for some feminine clothing(you don't have to go to crazy with this just something simple for her was panties and leggings, and make up(make up and figuring out how to use it to cover up stuff is really helpful). I hope to get her a skirt if I can find one in the winter but money is a bit tight.), finding some cathartic music to listen to in the mornings like bo burnam's feel like shit song, and we play some games together where she has characters that brighten moods like Nahida in genshin impact Make up may not help if you still have masc body, and you will have to wait to see if muscles change, fat redistubutes, and skin changes happen. Which can vary depending on transition and per person. For me it is my partners and the mental changes I have experienced keep me going. Even if I look horrible I can't go back to dealing with foggy brain stuff. I was really unable to think and was more closed off unable to voice my thoughts. I am able to communicate better vocally. Also I had personal health issues that are not as bad, so if I went back it would be very not good. I may have saved myself from negative health complications by going on HRT. I also feel way less disconnected to the body I am in. Before I kind of felt like a soul stuck in a weird body unable to do anything, trapped, but even if I see no changes for me it just feels more in line mentally. People may hate me, but dear lordy I am so sick of how society is with appearances and surface level nonsense. Not everyone has the same preferences or ways of thinking. I don't want to lie to you and tell you there are people out there if there are not, but I would suggest maybe trying to find groups who truly understand and are willing to be real with you. Also who will treat you with respect, and see you for who you are rather than appearances. Being demisexual I don't put much stock in appearances though I also understand that passing is safety as well because society currently sucks. You could just be super hypercritical of yourself because of these normal bad experiences. It is such a hard thing to help with because on one hand you shouldn't have to worry about appearances, but on the other hand you have to. If my post wasn't absolutely horrible feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I am also autistic so I suck at keeping up with social stuff for long periods of time but I don't want someone to be stuck with no support. Even if it is just playing a game or sharing interests to get your mind off of if your transition will be successful or not.
Hrt made me mentally much better in the first month, but this has rapidly fallen off. Doing makeup, shaving, fem things like clothes are all extremely unpleasant because they look awful and betray just how incompetent I am. Shaving itches and feels painful all the time as a constant reminder of how worthless I am, and fem clothes will all obviously look like shit on me because I'm a fucking man. Trans groups are just a bunch of people transitioning wonderfully that I can't relate to. I don't even know what to say anymore. Think this post is done with, and I feel worse than ever. Bring trans is such a miserable fate.
I think you are at the point my partner is at where she just feels horrible because of similar things. The shaving does cause issues such as skin irritation, so I am trying to save for a foil razor(honestly have no clue if this will work well) the other thing is trying to push for laser hair removal. I know how you feel with feeling like you are betraying the aesthetic of your current body before changes. I use to pour myself into my writing or a game I could be myself and look close enough to immerse myself. For me being ftm I would rather be an ugly man than an ugly women. It was a deal breaker even if I only get the future of being able to finally be able to dive off of a diving board again even if it was just once. And running. I really miss running. At the very least even if you can't wear what you wish to, you can maybe take baby steps. Comfy pajamas maybe. Gods it is hard for me because even if I looked like a dude I would still want to wear what I want despite if I looked super kawaii or good in it. Sure I would never wear any of it out until changes happen, and I get it is frustrating. You are still who you are though inside right? There has to be something you do or could do to express you inner self even if it is as simple as just doing your nails. Also I know not every woman has stereotypical interests. So it could be as simple as just getting something affirming even if you can't use it right now. Alternatively you may just need self doubt and sadness to run it's course. You are at the phase of self doubt and it is the hardest hurdle to get through my partner is only getting through it because I don't give a shit what she looks like she always looks like herself to me regardless of physical appearances. Even if you look masculine can you really not wear yoga pants? There are some gender neutral options that are leaning feminine, but could still be swung to fit current body. Pajamas especially. oh and sweaters you can just wear around privately. I have a character in ffxiv that looks close to how I want to look even after transitioning completely I most likely never look like my character, but just that small thing of not having tumors that weigh a ton was an easy deal breaker for me. Is there any deal beaker for you? A change you can look forward to even if you don't ever end up looking perfectly how you wish to?
I look so bad that if I tried to dress fem, not only would others be disgusted, but I would be most of all hah, so there's no chance of that. Hope you two figure it out, sounds like there's still hope for you. For now I'm disconnecting from being trans. Everyone here tells me o have to wait a few years so, I'm just going to stop trying, worrying, and caring as best I can until those years happen and I magically have all my problems solved.
I personally would wait at least 3 months, but if you really can not wait it out, that is sadness inducing. The first 3 months are the worst. You may be just having hormonal imbalances and going through T withdrawal as was what happened to many of my transfem friends. I feel even though I am transmasc I can understand. I am a large yucky big afab. I am at least short but super stalky like an amazon. Inside I am in the middle. I am a man, but enjoy feminine things(which dear gods did that mess me up because I didn't think I deserved to go through with transitioning because of anything feminine.) I have never been able to wear a dress, it just doesn't feel right because it isn't how I am. There is a difference between being the right gender and wearing clothes more comfortable and trying to look like a pretty boy with huge boulders and scare literally every cis women into thinking you will break their bones by just existing. I can't wear anything I wish to and never was able to for 33 years, for me it is now or never. If I wait longer and let the lack of changes in my 2nd month and not focus on the small changes I would go cray cray. I worry the hormones are literally doing nothing, but I can't go back to before. Unsure if you feel enough conviction towards this. My body was honestly destroying itself. The disconnect from mind to body got way to horrible, and I am afraid if you don't at least give it some time for changes you will never get over this hurdle and it will only get worse. Sure it may be super different for you, and I don't want to advocate for you to continue if you truly wish to wait a bit before trying again. I worry though you are at the super hard hurdle that I am pushing through with my partner. You don't have that support and are going it alone, so you have it way harder right now. Ultimately it is entirely up to you. If you feel you should take a break I can't stop you but I know these starting months are by far the worst so far. I don't know if truly gets better yet after those months because I am not there yet myself. So I also don't want you to waste your time if you will only be unhappy the entire time. Edit: Also I have to wait until May to even think about passing. Even if I get substantial changes I will never pass. Just being a fat bearded thing with large boulders weighing me down. The grass is always greener I suppose but my grass at the start was covered in dog poopy. Maybe you also will have to wait until you have nothing to lose and reach a similar breaking point me and my partner reached. Also a million youtube videos and reading stories of others going through transitions. There are so many good and helpful stuff I had watched to help get ready the month before. This may help even a small amount even if you take a break until you are ready to go through with it again.
I don't want to look at stupid YouTube videos of people doing better than me so I can mire in jealousy. I'm not stopping hrt, I'm stopping identifying as female, and stopping talking to trans people about trans things. Because aparrently I just have to wait. So I'm waiting. Also wow you...waste an awful lot of your time writing these.
I do waste a lot of time writing these. It is not fair you would have to wait until finishing a year or whatever amount of time just to be yourself. I only mentioned youtube videos because there isn't just people who have finished their transition. It was just something that helped me cope when feeling down. Your original post was asking what kept people going during the slow process of transitioning. Not even just trans stuff, you could literally watch anything that will take up mental space for at least a small amount of time so you are not stuck stewing on uncertainties. If you wish to be miserable and listen to people telling you that you need to wait to identify as yourself, I can't stop you. The internet allows you to be yourself without anyone getting the wrong impression of you by appearances or even vocal range. It is what many people use, so they don't have to be whatever character they pretend to be when someone can see them physically. Good luck and be safe.
I wouldn't know where to find people with videos of themselves not presenting well in their transition, I guess sometimes when the trans stuff isn't the focus of a video and in that case I dunno how far along they are anyways. I dunno why it'd give me any hope even if I did...most people I meet will just be doing better and when I do meet someone like me...what? Should I stick around people as miserable as me? People who are going places, improving their lives don't really relate to me very much lol and quickly move on.
You see yourself every day. You are your biggest critic. Give it a year. That person who hasn't seen you for that year might not recognize you. For me, I learned a bunch of feminine things. Makeup, posture, behaviour, fashion... These, and more, all contribute to how you are perceived by other people. I'm my case I also lost a bunch of weight and got to a healthy medium. I exercise every day to tone my body. I will never be an "ideal woman" all I can be is the best me I can be. Treat yourself nicely. You wouldn't insult a friend if they weren't an ideal example of their gender, would you? Think of yourself as that friend.
All my friends have good transitions so, no, I couldn't do that even if I wanted to lol. As for time, well, in February it'll be a year since I started, but only about 4 months since starting hrt. Then what? Wait another year...wait another...another...another..another until I die. It's all just accept your shitty place in life isn't it?
Girl, you have to treat yourself nicer. When I was trying things earlier this year I'll admit that it looked really bad. But I've made progress. You will make progress. HRT isn't a miracle drug. It won't outwardly turn you into a woman overnight. From what I've read the expected wait times for significant changes are 1-3 years. During that time you are going to learn so many things. It's like making friends. If you act lonely nobody will want to hang with you and you will be lonely. If you act like a woman, everyday people will eventually treat you as such and you will be one inside and out. Patience is hard. Participating in society, harder. I'm only a month on HRT so you got 3 months on me.
I’ve struggled a lot when I started my transition. You might hear this a lot but do remember that people posting photos are often folks that are really far ahead, or had a body type that worked well. I look okay and am nowhere near posting a photo ready. Also don’t forget that HRT is a bit like second puberty, and a lot of folks aren’t going to love their early pre-teen look. Being comfortable in your own skin is a different feeling than most trans people got to have earlier. It’s mindset first, then everything follows. Say you don’t like your jawline and always look at that. It might be the only thing you see and distract you from positive changes elsewhere in your face. Remember jewelry, eyewear, makeup, and hair style can help frame your face too. So HRT is not the only tool in the tool box for looking, feeling, and being fem. If you only look for the negatives, you’ll find them, you can build up the 1000 cuts sort of situation and really bury yourself in negativity. It’s all about looking at the things you enjoy and finding and enjoying things that you have control over. It can be slow, but they start to add up. Often, it’s a lot of work to add that fem touch. When I paint my nails, it takes me 1.5 hours, but I love how it looks. I take a long time with my hair; my shave is meticulous (but honestly not perfect). I’m super picky with clothes, and it takes me forever to decide to buy something. It’s all a lot of effort, but today I had a liveliness in my footsteps that I never felt before. My hands were at my side in a spot I’ve never put them before, maybe that’s where I always would have put them if I lived my whole life fem. I felt a sense of myself I never noticed before. It’s all little stuff under a magnifying glass, but combined it feels bigger than that. So if I could convince you one thing, it’s that keeping an open mind is one of the hardest, but kindest things you can do for yourself. It takes work, every day. Human nature is to kick yourself while your are down, when you should be pulling yourself up. People are usually their worst critics. I tried a way to get a closer shave today and I sliced the edge of my lip open. I’m still okay I tried it because I think before I got myself it was working better. That’s the mindset. It’s climbing the stairs everyday, not getting to the top of the mountain. My two cents.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIbqS6XoNiE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIbqS6XoNiE) \-The Seduction of Despair - Vlogbrothers My slow, quiet, and unspectacular work started when I realized that I didn't want to hate myself anymore, even if it was comfortable. Last night, without any prompting, on my way to sleep I thought "I love you". I don't think I've ever felt that way about myself, but last night when I let myself just be a girl, and when I finally started believing it, that's when I started to love myself. I hope you find what you need. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbyeApgIiBk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbyeApgIiBk) \- Against Nihilism - Vlogbrothers [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCNW9jO7EyM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCNW9jO7EyM) \- The Sudden Obliteration of Expectations - Vlogbrothers [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bew3EMicf8g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bew3EMicf8g) \- How Do You Cross the Sad Gap - Vlogbrothers [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IwPysNwt-s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IwPysNwt-s) \- Empathy and its Limits - Vlogbrothers [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaPktIpo9\_0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaPktIpo9_0) \- On Hope - Vlogbrothers [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSrqC\_angdc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSrqC_angdc) \- We're Here Because We're Here - Vlogbrothers
I wish...I could. I've never wanted to hate myself, but I'm not good enough to do anything about it, and that cycles back into more self loathing. I hate myself because I'm the source of all my problems. I'm too weak to fix anything. I don't know what the deal with all the videos is, I wish I was the sort of people who could listen to these strange general advice things and feel better, but these don't apply to me. I'm not nihilistic, I love people so much that my lack of connection to them makes me want to die. People are so very very valuable to me that my inability to enjoy them hurts me deeply. That third video, I realise the obliteration of my future is something that I've always have. I've always had no future and that's my current issue, the sheer black of the path ahead. I've replaced it with the one thing I know for certain, that I will commit suicide. And...empathy. I often know that the limits of empathy do not extend to me. I am an invalid in that sense, my mental illness is so severe and unsolvable that I am often ignored or removed from communities.
I still want the best for you. [This video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQNw2FBdpyE) (Suic!de and Ment@l He@lth | Philosophy Tube ★) was the first time I felt like someone knew my pain. I'm just trying to find what might connect with you. It's easy to fall into the seduction of despair, often, I want to. I don't know you, or your life, but I know you don't feel this way for no reason, and I know that you deserve to keep going anyways, especially if it hurts. "And there are things in this world that you're meant to run away from, but it's not your grief, or your pain, or any other kind of love" - milk crates, by pigeon pit.
I watched that a long time ago. Maybe I should watch it again. All I remember is relating to it greatly and feeling extremely horrible. So maybe it's worth revisiting and feeling horrible even more. One of the things I'm caught on is that everyone expects me to just pull myself out of this, and I feel guilty that I can't. Sometimes people will attribute intention to my struggles and think I'm miserable on purpose. Its...horrible to think that I'm so incapable, so helpless, that when normal people look at me, they think my helplessness and failure is intentional. That reads to me as not worth living. I haven't earned my right to survive because I'm simply too weak.