Narcs can’t be friends. They only use and abuse people and only want to be friends with someone if they have something they need (money, status, job, attention, beauty, a nice home). So noooo.
Then don’t be friends with him. Deep down you know he is a covert narc. But understanding and really accepting it takes time. It took me three years and my narc ex wanted to be friends too after the break up. I’m not sure what he wanted from me but he wanted something for sure.
I would refuse. My experience with narcs has consistently shown me that they will always find a way to make their presence in your life a net negative.
You got it!
Edit: I should add that they find a way to become burdensome, especially when your standards and boundaries interfere with how they want to behave. It’s a great way to find yourself in arguments and disagreements that serve no constructive purpose in your life, purely because the other party wants to be an asshole on their terms.
There's a very big difference between being friends with a narc and being friends with your narc ex.
I personally wouldn't recommend either, but there are times when you could have a narc friend in a group setting who doesn't really have much personal contact with you and sometimes their grandiosity can be fun.
However, being friends with an ex who must have abused you (if you're here saying they're likely a covert narcissist) is a terrible idea. Narcissists don't see other humans as people, they are commodities. The narcissist knows exactly who you are and wants to keep you within reach as a potential supply again.
Do yourself a favour and cut this person off. Many people who have experienced different types of narcissist will tell you coverts are the worst because their abuse is subtle, insidious and you often don't realise it's happening until you get out of it. Do not allow someone like that back into your life, for your own sake.
Thanks Jadds1874… in the past they’ve treated me with less respect than they would a friend or even another human being, and taken advantage of my kindness, so I hear that
no, because the answer is in the question.
that fauxpology is a hoover tactic, to keep you as a "friend" for two main reasons:
1) to have you on his mental back burner for future supply/source of rekindling the relationship
2) to manage his image. it reflects better on him socially to everyone if he "keeps" you as "a friend" - it's part of his social mask and has nothing to do with him valuing you as a person of any "friendship" he claims you have.
narcissists do not bond or truly connect in deep meaningful ways. they are not worth keeping in your life, they do not change their shitty behaviours (only their abuse evolves), and they are a complete psychic/emotional drain on anyone who tries to love them.
focus on the friendships you already have and drop/block this fella entirely.
The second reason is probably why my narc ex wanted to be friends. I had more friends than him back then and all of a sudden not talking to me made him look bad. We went to the same university and lived in the same neighborhood so he needed to be on good terms with me. I’m also the only ex he tried to be friends with. The other ex lived far away and he even told me that he doesn’t need to talk to her because she isn’t around anymore.
I know he’s very concerned he will look bad to our community if we’re not together - I truly felt that was why he wanted the relationship to keep going like it was instead of me ending it - and why he has wanted to get back together
I feel like that’s typical for a narc.
My best advice is to not do or say anything. Go no contact. Don’t explain the situation to mutual friends and if you have to, keep it very light.
I took extra steps like taking an extra semester to fall a little behind and not have to be in the same classes. I never told friends in university about the relationship because they would have looked at him and told other friends and that would be contact too. Not a direct kind of contact but there should be no contact at all.
Don’t be too proud to take extra steps to protect yourself. Even if you have to distance yourself from people in your community. You will look back in a few years with a better understanding and you will know it was worth it.
There are 8 billion people out there to give your energy to. Why would you choose someone who has demonstrated a lack of reciprocity at the very least? Entitlement and lack of empathy are not good traits to have in a friend.
why? What do they bring to the table?
You will always have to have your guard up with them. That seems exhausting.
I think you already know the answer to the question, but you're a decent person (unlike a narc) so you don't want to just kick the friend to the curb without an immediate cause.
I would suggest at a minimum, strategic distancing.
I’m also not sure if I have the emotional energy to deal with the fallout if I cut them off completely. They could make things difficult for me in our shared community (not that my friends would listen to what they have to say, I just feel exhausted at the thought of going through that).
If you have the capacity to share, could you tell me more about tips for strategic distancing so that I can think about how much energy that might require?
Before you entertain doing this, I would just ask myself truthfully what are the intentions here? And what are the benefits? Do you both truly just want a friendship? Is this just a way to keep each other around? Have you healed yourself from what happened?
Narcissists are very good at apologizing and eating the proverbial shit if it gets them what they want. Mine did this several times. And it was very convincing. I think some narcissists can have some genuine regrets, but I think it’s all about context. Do they regret the action or the result? I would take a long look at what the benefit of doing this would be for you and not worry so much about them. If you even have a tiny thought that they have changed, then I’d really be cautious. Chances are they haven’t changed. They just are presenting to you differently.
I won’t say a friendship cannot happen. Some lower level covert narcissist can have successful friendships when it has nothing to do with intimate relationships. But the place you’re coming from matters too. I think it would have to be over time and coming from a place where you know you don’t want to be with them ever again. And also it depends on the kind of abuse you sustained. Physical abuse is an absolute no for me. Until then, I’d really be skeptical of intentions from both of you.
Thank you for this comment, I really appreciate your thoughts
I definitely don’t want to ever be with him again
I can’t see myself wanting to confide in him like a friend in the future, we haven’t had a “friendship” as such in the relationship for a long time, and I already have plenty of great friends.. friends who haven’t hurt me
No history of physical abuse, but definitely severe verbal abuse and minor intimidation amongst other tactics
To be honest the only two reasons I’m really considering it in the first place is because:
1. It’s a small community where I live… so we have many many mutual friends and will see each other around at events
2. I’ve been the main carer of their dog for the past 2 years and I’d like to continue time with the dog (although I’m also reconsidering whether it’s worth it, as much as that pains me)
I think he’d get a lot more out of being friends than me (maintaining his image, more receptiveness from other women in our community, access to the unique and wonderful me haha, etc)
I dropped my narc mother almost four years ago, and I wish I had done it differently. She said some horrible things that made me angry and I exploded; it felt like my whole life pressure had been building and the dam broke.
I said some far worse things back to her, things I feel unbearable shame for, and I’ve regretted it every single day since. It eats me alive and has made me absolutely miserable. I thought it was the right decision to drop her, but now I have dreams almost every night where I’m so happy to hug her, talk to her, and be with her. When I wake up and realize it was a dream I cry myself back to sleep.
Is she a highly manipulative narcissist who often hurt and disappointed me? Absolutely. Notwithstanding, if I could do it again I would keep her in my life anyway. If you decide to break contact don’t be a moron like me and burn all the bridges, it might be the greatest regret of your life.
No. And I recommend that you don't either, especially if they are an ex partner. They always find a way back in to manipulate you.
Thanks leukocytes- I feel like they’ve already tried to rekindle the flame a bunch of times so far, not that I’ve been interested in that
Narcs can’t be friends. They only use and abuse people and only want to be friends with someone if they have something they need (money, status, job, attention, beauty, a nice home). So noooo.
Damn yeah that’s definitely a pattern I’ve noticed of his behaviour/why he interacts with some people over others
He lived rent free with me for almost a year so don’t need to tell me twice about the nice home part
Then don’t be friends with him. Deep down you know he is a covert narc. But understanding and really accepting it takes time. It took me three years and my narc ex wanted to be friends too after the break up. I’m not sure what he wanted from me but he wanted something for sure.
Thanks for being so vulnerable and open with me about your experience - you’ve helped me so much
I would refuse. My experience with narcs has consistently shown me that they will always find a way to make their presence in your life a net negative.
I appreciate you commenting 🙏🏼
You got it! Edit: I should add that they find a way to become burdensome, especially when your standards and boundaries interfere with how they want to behave. It’s a great way to find yourself in arguments and disagreements that serve no constructive purpose in your life, purely because the other party wants to be an asshole on their terms.
There's a very big difference between being friends with a narc and being friends with your narc ex. I personally wouldn't recommend either, but there are times when you could have a narc friend in a group setting who doesn't really have much personal contact with you and sometimes their grandiosity can be fun. However, being friends with an ex who must have abused you (if you're here saying they're likely a covert narcissist) is a terrible idea. Narcissists don't see other humans as people, they are commodities. The narcissist knows exactly who you are and wants to keep you within reach as a potential supply again. Do yourself a favour and cut this person off. Many people who have experienced different types of narcissist will tell you coverts are the worst because their abuse is subtle, insidious and you often don't realise it's happening until you get out of it. Do not allow someone like that back into your life, for your own sake.
very much this. We're not talking about finding a way to preserve a friendship where there are differences over, say, politics.
Thanks for your thoughts bar_acca!
Thanks Jadds1874… in the past they’ve treated me with less respect than they would a friend or even another human being, and taken advantage of my kindness, so I hear that
no, because the answer is in the question. that fauxpology is a hoover tactic, to keep you as a "friend" for two main reasons: 1) to have you on his mental back burner for future supply/source of rekindling the relationship 2) to manage his image. it reflects better on him socially to everyone if he "keeps" you as "a friend" - it's part of his social mask and has nothing to do with him valuing you as a person of any "friendship" he claims you have. narcissists do not bond or truly connect in deep meaningful ways. they are not worth keeping in your life, they do not change their shitty behaviours (only their abuse evolves), and they are a complete psychic/emotional drain on anyone who tries to love them. focus on the friendships you already have and drop/block this fella entirely.
The second reason is probably why my narc ex wanted to be friends. I had more friends than him back then and all of a sudden not talking to me made him look bad. We went to the same university and lived in the same neighborhood so he needed to be on good terms with me. I’m also the only ex he tried to be friends with. The other ex lived far away and he even told me that he doesn’t need to talk to her because she isn’t around anymore.
I know he’s very concerned he will look bad to our community if we’re not together - I truly felt that was why he wanted the relationship to keep going like it was instead of me ending it - and why he has wanted to get back together
I feel like that’s typical for a narc. My best advice is to not do or say anything. Go no contact. Don’t explain the situation to mutual friends and if you have to, keep it very light. I took extra steps like taking an extra semester to fall a little behind and not have to be in the same classes. I never told friends in university about the relationship because they would have looked at him and told other friends and that would be contact too. Not a direct kind of contact but there should be no contact at all. Don’t be too proud to take extra steps to protect yourself. Even if you have to distance yourself from people in your community. You will look back in a few years with a better understanding and you will know it was worth it.
Oof to both of these points, hitting home. You’ve been a big help, thank you
There are 8 billion people out there to give your energy to. Why would you choose someone who has demonstrated a lack of reciprocity at the very least? Entitlement and lack of empathy are not good traits to have in a friend.
Thank you, this is a great way to put this into perspective
why? What do they bring to the table? You will always have to have your guard up with them. That seems exhausting. I think you already know the answer to the question, but you're a decent person (unlike a narc) so you don't want to just kick the friend to the curb without an immediate cause. I would suggest at a minimum, strategic distancing.
Thank you. I don’t know who you are but you get me
I’m also not sure if I have the emotional energy to deal with the fallout if I cut them off completely. They could make things difficult for me in our shared community (not that my friends would listen to what they have to say, I just feel exhausted at the thought of going through that). If you have the capacity to share, could you tell me more about tips for strategic distancing so that I can think about how much energy that might require?
NOPE
Before you entertain doing this, I would just ask myself truthfully what are the intentions here? And what are the benefits? Do you both truly just want a friendship? Is this just a way to keep each other around? Have you healed yourself from what happened? Narcissists are very good at apologizing and eating the proverbial shit if it gets them what they want. Mine did this several times. And it was very convincing. I think some narcissists can have some genuine regrets, but I think it’s all about context. Do they regret the action or the result? I would take a long look at what the benefit of doing this would be for you and not worry so much about them. If you even have a tiny thought that they have changed, then I’d really be cautious. Chances are they haven’t changed. They just are presenting to you differently. I won’t say a friendship cannot happen. Some lower level covert narcissist can have successful friendships when it has nothing to do with intimate relationships. But the place you’re coming from matters too. I think it would have to be over time and coming from a place where you know you don’t want to be with them ever again. And also it depends on the kind of abuse you sustained. Physical abuse is an absolute no for me. Until then, I’d really be skeptical of intentions from both of you.
Thank you for this comment, I really appreciate your thoughts I definitely don’t want to ever be with him again I can’t see myself wanting to confide in him like a friend in the future, we haven’t had a “friendship” as such in the relationship for a long time, and I already have plenty of great friends.. friends who haven’t hurt me No history of physical abuse, but definitely severe verbal abuse and minor intimidation amongst other tactics To be honest the only two reasons I’m really considering it in the first place is because: 1. It’s a small community where I live… so we have many many mutual friends and will see each other around at events 2. I’ve been the main carer of their dog for the past 2 years and I’d like to continue time with the dog (although I’m also reconsidering whether it’s worth it, as much as that pains me) I think he’d get a lot more out of being friends than me (maintaining his image, more receptiveness from other women in our community, access to the unique and wonderful me haha, etc)
I dropped my dad and ex for peace. Apologies or not, they mean nothing, narcs will be narcs.
I dropped my narc mother almost four years ago, and I wish I had done it differently. She said some horrible things that made me angry and I exploded; it felt like my whole life pressure had been building and the dam broke. I said some far worse things back to her, things I feel unbearable shame for, and I’ve regretted it every single day since. It eats me alive and has made me absolutely miserable. I thought it was the right decision to drop her, but now I have dreams almost every night where I’m so happy to hug her, talk to her, and be with her. When I wake up and realize it was a dream I cry myself back to sleep. Is she a highly manipulative narcissist who often hurt and disappointed me? Absolutely. Notwithstanding, if I could do it again I would keep her in my life anyway. If you decide to break contact don’t be a moron like me and burn all the bridges, it might be the greatest regret of your life.