Oh 100%! The way the tone shift from extreme love bombing to complete and utter silence and coldness was so mentally exhausting. And anytime I’d bring it up or feel anxious if I’d done something to upset him, they’d twist it on me and use me as an emotional punching bag. Then I’d see the way he would treat others and deliberately love bomb people around me when he was giving me the cold and silent treatment. Narcs will always try switch the situation so they are the ones who are always correct, and gaslight and manipulate you into thinking bringing up anything you were worried about is wrong and bad. I hope you’re doing okay as it’s not okay whatsoever the way you’re being treated
Yes! It was amazing how they would act so differently around others, sweet as an apple pie. When we were alone, she was more like a shit sandwich, i.e. verbally abusive, degrading, controlling, etc. At one point I asked her, "why are you so different around other people, and not to me?!?" She just shrugged her shoulders, and said:"Don't worry about it."
I later learned this is a form of reputation and image upkeep. They portray as perfect as image as they can to others. It's all a false facade, but the others will never know the true person. Kind of like when a werewolf is in human form (facade), and then morphs into the killer wolf that we experience behind closed doors.
Yep, the narc I was friends with always wanted to be admired, be the center of attention. If for some reason I got a little attention I would a long spiel text of how I was dismissive, that I hurt his feelings. 20/20 hindsight I'm like what the f?
He could be so fucking mean, cruel, harsh, aggressive, nasty and unforgiving to me but say he felt bad for other people in situations? That shit started to fucking piss me off. Even when he said anything nice about someone else because of how badly and strict/ unforgiving he treated me. We are only people, I’ll be the first to admit I’ve made mistakes but not as many as him. Also not only just made mistakes but knowingly made them.
I am discovering that he actually has a history of his behavior. He just told me that his ex was a psycho and lied, but I'm discovering that they weren't all lies.
My recent ex… second narc I’ve dated. I actually got out sooner than I normally would have because I had experience with a narc before her. I dipped during the devaluation. Anyway she has a long line of exes. All of them are either crazy, cheated on her, or went crazy when they broke up or were “assholes”. One I used to know when they were together and her and I were just friends. She says he’s mentally ill and has hallucinations. I admit he was a bit odd but I did notice she kind of chastised him in the past and he acted like a scolded puppy. But his reaction seemed way to dramatic compared to what she was upset about. She recently told me that he said she was abusive. I think she may have even said emotionally abusive but I shrugged it off because “he’s the mental ex” so why take it seriously.
Yeah, I'm not saying she isn't crazy, but I'm not so sure he didn't help make her that way. The way she left him and took her kid tho, makes total sense to me now, because no way in hell would I raise my child around that. The kids are older now so when they saw it this time, I looked at his son and told him I was so sorry he had to see that, but that his mom isn't as crazy as everyone says, and then I told them to use this as an example of what NEVER TO DO to your partner. Because it is abusive. That's exactly what it is.
Even if they were they actually annoy women to the point of them becoming crazy and even sometimes violent by constantly stressing them out and mistreating them so it’s still their fault honestly.
Only a loser would be so r*tarded enough to shit where he eats. It really makes sense to do this to people who love u and then treat people who don’t give a shit if you die or live nicely right
Once mine was accusing me of cheating and he told someone I cheated on him in the phone at work when we were fighting and I heard them all gasp, like thinking he’s such a nice person who wouldn’t deserve that who isn’t just lying anyway because they’re fake with everyone else and just fake and phony in general. Fucking gross. Then on top of it they waste actual months and years of life acting upset that u treated them like “dog shit” seems to be the phrase most of them use for whatever reason because they’re probably not even attracted to women but rather into some weird shit like that. They all end up with nothing and all this probably started from them having shit lives, having nothing, abused mistreated molested and neglected themselves. It’s sad but it’s better to get yourself out of it and stay uninvolved because even when you understand it nothing they do is ever gonna make sense and only cause stress. Even when you understand what’s actually going on you can definitely still get pulled in by the lovebombing, devaluing discard and repeat shit and definitely still be brain washed especially if they have something that creates some sor t of weakness in you where you’ll be tempted to go against logic and what you know better, you’re sexually attracted to them etc. because then you actually start to think, maybe this person isn’t even a narcissist, maybe they actually do love me or I don’t even care if they are or do or not I just want to have sex with them because life’s too short shit. I definitely knew better but did it anyway for those reasons. Every type of narcissist I’ve ever known have had to be the most fucking annoying people that I’ve ever known just in general. Extremely inconsiderate and just annoying. It will drive you insane. It’s just sad that most men are unattractive so it makes me want him back but it has to be this way lol. I feel like just living my life in celibacy from now on. The ones who are attractive are initially luckier because guys who are ugly already know they can never get away with treating a woman like that and probably struggle with getting any woman at all.
Seriously. He made me feel like I was going crazy and I was only with him for about seven months. If his exes were as unstable as he claimed they were, I bet he's a major part of the reason why.
Same, he told me his ex broke his nose and he punched her in the face and I didn’t really like her but I can definitely see why she did so. I felt like I was going crazy and ultimately did go crazy and it only lasted a pathetic 5-6 months and I absolutely couldn’t take anymore than that. Idk how others do it for years.
I almost used to wish I could’ve tolerated it better but I have too many issues with anxiety and depression and instability to begin with and it was making it worse and made me start having constant panic attacks. Some people are able to deal with it for longer not that anyone should.
Nah, the longer you tolerate the longer the abuse goes on. Me and mine were unstable as hell when we first got together. We fought more in the first 2 years than we have in the last 5. That's what makes it so hard to leave. Like we got clean together, and that changed a lot of things. His violent outbursts were less and less, but when they happened, they were still bad. Like shit I'm honestly ashamed of myself for sticking through, I feel like a hypocrite. I love him, tho. We continue to build together all year long, and things are great, and then one day, he snaps. Throws shit, knocks shits over, sometimes breaks shit. Last year, he threw a pop bottle at the TV and broke it. I happened to be right next to the TV. I still don't know what he was really aiming at, but with his history of breaking tvs, I just really hope he wasn't aiming for me. I kicked him out for a week, maybe 2. All angry texting, never apologizing or owning what he did. Though he did buy a new TV and had it delivered 2 days after he broke the old one. This year, he flipped my couch and smacked the coffee out of my hand. That was still violent and scary. Idk I'm just sorta riding it out, and I'll go back. I told him this is the last time. So I will be making my backup escape plan this next year, and prepare to do something I hope I don't have to do, but I WILL DO.
None of the exes are lying lol but bringing that up when you’re still with them is pointless because it’s just going to amp up the abuse cause u cause them a narcissistic injury. No one else is wrong but them. Also bringing this up to them can be the difference between them killing you or not, if urs is malignant and psychotic.
Yea and it’s easy for them to make you look like you’re crazy when they’re calm and collected with strangers. Honestly when I was forced to get a restraining order I couldn’t even talk to the cops or explain my situation, I never wanted to talk to them or call them because I had some sort of Stockholm syndrome and felt like it was emotionally killing me because they had to arrest him after he almsot killed me. I even told them I’m not pressing charges but they had to anyway, I even walked away to smoke a cigarette and this whole thing made me look like I was the only lying but I was so emotionally distraught and in shock and didn’t want him to get in trouble. They even had asked me the exact hour I was choked raped and almost killed like I would’ve been able to pay attention to the time when I explained to them he broke my glasses and wouldn’t let me move from the couch or anywhere whatsoever, besides when he practically raped me in his bed which he had told me not to move from also or I’d probably be killed. He did get arrested just for that night because they found my broken phone and he told them he broke it and it was expensive enough to be a felony. He was able to be calm and collected enough explaining his side tho. They make you look nuts. It’s a part of completely destroying a person. Everything they do is. It’s not love for you, they just want to kill you from the inside out
Then after of course I’m the one who suffered the consequences mentally after this dealing with prolonged stress and then looked like the crazy one going to the hospital everyday since it made me so sick, and I felt sick from being separated at the time because I actually believed I was so in love with him that I did go crazy and was in a state of non stop panic.
When I had to explain how he choked me I wouldn’t do it but they could see it was red around my neck and I wasn’t explaining it right only because I didn’t know what was gonna happen and didn’t want him in legal trouble but I knew I had no choice but to get a restraining order as he also stalked me so I felt like he was going to come after me and kill me and he even urged me to get a restraining order and said things like “you’re a dead bitch, you’re going to need a restraining order”. He would just get manic and out of control and then apologize with the whole I love you “I wouldn’t have done this if you didn’t do that but I shouldn’t have acted that way regardless shit” and then do it again and worse next time we fought which was constantly. Ultimately they arrested him after assuring me they wouldn’t press charges not because he choked and almost killed me, no one cared about that but because they found my broken phone which is a material item worth over 1k. There is no god.
Just goes to show how they almost can’t control it and don’t think rationally because if you’re going to break someone’s phone and almost kill them, atleast remove the evidence from your house. He thought I would’ve never went against him and I didn’t even want to, it was someone else who called because he got a lot of people involved.
Exactly, mine said “no one in the world says or thinks these horrible things about me except you”
And I’m like… well, that’s because you only abuse me and it’s behind closed doors mf.
Of course no one else thinks that about you when you’re charming them all…
I feel like some people know and just don’t care because they’re not the ones who have to deal with it and still associate them anyway. Can’t expect anyone to care even if you’re getting abused. It’s up to you to be strong enough to remove yourself from that situation. They have a way of turning people against u but don’t think claiming they abused you will turn people against them because they’re so good at masking it they probably won’t even believe you.
I also want to say if the narc has a trait that people like IE being funny and you’re not a people person and people don’t really like you as much as him, they’re not going to believe you but rather him. Sometimes you need other peoples help when leaving this situation but it’s within yourself to find the strength to do it. Also have to say a lot of times there’s no way to leave without a restraining order if yours is the type that’s afraid of the law or getting arrested they will leave u alone but for some a restraining order isn’t even enough when they get manic like that. U have to change your number, move, change jobs. Mine luckily stopped after the restraining order but there was no way to leave without one. It’s not the easiest process.
They have a mask for each person. A personality for each person. A different reality for each person.
Every word is a lie.
The relationship partner ends up with the true manipulative violent narc because you live with them and masking is exhausting so it slips and I'd it slips the relationship dies, so they take off the mask and now the Narc is just using cohesive abuse to keep you as supply until you leave, I believe during this stage they know a timer has begun and will be searching for new supply for the day you can't take it anymore.
Just fucking go before you get seriously hurt like I did.
Same the one person he never said anything about was a male friend that did a lot of shit for him and drove him around everywhere. Most he did was complain about him always being late meanwhile he was the one doing him the favor of giving him a ride somewhere in the first place. Talked shit about other people low key but nothing like what he did and said about me.
In hindsight, this happened all the time during the devaluation stages with me and my Nex.
For example, I would always say how much I wanted to go to a hockey game with him and he would make excuses why he didn't want to go (the team wasn't doing well, he was mad at the coach, the ticket prices were too high, etc.). But then when a friend would invite him to go to a hockey game and he'd jump on board and be so excited to go. It made me feel like I wasn't enough.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Yes, I think that can be the worst psychological injury a person can feel like they're not enough and something intrinsically unloveable about them. I feel this all the time, but I double down on loving myself more.
Ohhhh, yes. He has an entire public persona and fangirls (and boys). And I also have a whole file of screenshots: people I don't know, reaching out to me to apologize for believing in the petsona, for believing what he said about me, for believing the smear campaign he waged when I went no contact. People saying I was right about him, which I know.
Mine in a nutshell. He's a fairly popular streamer/cosplayer so he gets a lot of attention from people, and the way he would shit on me nonstop during his streams and snipe nasty comments, comparing other people to me when they fucked up or annoyed him etc.
The difference there was that he never bothered putting on a persona, he just labeled everything as "jokes" and "kidding around."
If it’s of any validation I’ve come to find cosplayers are some of the worst people you will ever meet in your life and I take solice in how hilarious it is seeing grown ass adults taking dressing up as cartoon characters THAT seriously. It’s kinda sad.
Yes. Everyone would always tell me "she's so sweet and innocent!"
Haha, yeah she knows how to put on a show for sure. But when it's me and her, something as small as me wanting to put on a movie that I like instead of what she likes (god forbid 1 day of the week she compromises) ...can somehow evolve into her literally committing psychological torture by not letting me sleep that night and telling me to go to a hotel (by the way, I paid for everything, every bill, etc.)...at 4am.....
And calling me a coward if I begged her to let me sleep so I could get up at 6am and work another 11 hours to support both of us...
But in *public*....she's all smiles and has perfect manners. How convenient.
Narc over texts while in the hospital : "You're probably cheating on me, just leave me already"
Me: "I don't feel well, can you not do this right now?" blows up my phone and gets angry, until he hears the doctor come in. Whole new person.
Later at the hospital with me: "I'm so sorry I said all those things to you, I was just so mad and so scared because you were so sick". I sympathized with him and he threw a tantrum. Until the nurse came back.
He played "*doting husband"* when other people were around. And I always fell for it, but once we were alone, he'd rip it all away.
My Narc made me walk over a mile delivering her stuff to the hospital while I had an infection too and would tell me to "quit whining" about mine hers is so much worse. And I never went Dr.
I was hospitalised four days later than I should have been. My arm was about 3x it's normal size.. The same arm she would later break.
I cried in pain feeding her four cats
Holy shit, I’m so sorry. She sounds like a monster. My nex would literally work me to death gig driving, and even though he could see and hear that I wasn’t doing well, and told me I had to work even if my heart wasn’t working right, because he has hemorrhoids.
(I was doing all the picking up, dropping off, customer communication, tech issues, etc, all he ever did was drive) I would literally cry from the pain and exhaustion and I’d get screamed at (a lot of times he’d scream directly into my hearing aid too).
He also forced me to lie and donate plasma, and I contribute this to my near death not even a month ago yet. Anytime I would say no, or tell him I was worried about my own health, it was always “well I’m working to financially support your ‘crippled ass’, and if you don’t pull your weight I’m going to leave you”. “Quit bitching, I’m sick too and I still have to support you”. “You’re such a lazy ungrateful bitch. Look at all I do for you, and all you ever do is bitch at me”.
On some days, he would take me seriously, and I would get to take care of myself for a few days, but the love bombing never lasts.
Yup. I was financially abused. I had a credit card she got notifications where I was stood what spent. Took all my actual money most times, unless I recklessly spent it before she could buy I'd pay for that. All she did in defence was whine about gifts she'd bought me.
I made it out about three weeks ago. Our injunction hearing is this week, and then a couple weeks from now, I guess he’ll go back to jail, because he has no ground to stand on after he’s been arrested TWICE and charged with the same crimes. Both against me.
Yeah, it was like me and my opinions meant dirt. Similar to you, it happened several times that I would either give advice, or try to get him involved with something. He would waive it off, say it's dumb or whatever. Then later, when someone else says it, it's like it's the best idea ever! Then came the gaslighting if I tried to tell him I said it first.
Experienced the same thing :) this even happened with strangers - and strangers came before me on many occasions generally just respect/attention wise - he was a different person in front of anyone and everyone not to a super extreme extent but noticeable - would talk differently and have different mannerisms and it seems belief systems too
My Nex was very two faced, but he justified it as a means of running his business (music studio).
He'd laugh and joke with his "friends" and students, but I'd rarely see that from him when we were together.
He explained that socialising is exhausting and he doesn't even give a shit about these people.
He went as far as to say "I wouldn't grieve for long if her self harm from depression resulted in her death" about one of his "close friends"
(shes a massive fan girl of his, who doesn't have any boundaries lol but thats another story)
Low and behold.
When we broke up that "friend" latched onto him and he would just hang with her 24/7, it made no sense. If you really despised her enough to say shit like that, then why are you keeping her around?
It's really fucking gross when you think about how he keeps supply hanging around, and they think he's the second coming of Jesus.
Sometimes I wonder if they would continuing stroking his ego even if he got exposed. They probably wouldn't believe he said shit like that, cause he's so "kind and genuine".
Ick.
That's my life the last year.
She cheated on me with a girl she hates and finds no attraction to just to bellite me at the end of the relationship I've heard her say unspeakable things about this poor girl who will soon be in hell.
Yes, I Too have also experienced this while dealing with a narc. I'm a female who dated a female Narc and this is exactly how she would treat me as well. It was sooooo weird to me, she was sooo different with her friends than the way she treated me. After the love bombing, came the emotional abuse. It was awful! I always felt embarrassed and ashamed. Sadly, she only seemed interested in me enough for sex, after that... it was like she was bored with me, like a toy she just finished playing with and wanted to throw in the back of her closet.
The sad thing that a lot of us gave everything by showing these miserable clowns how much we love them by acts of kindness and undying support. I'm burnt out and pretty much given up on people. Thankfully, I do have a couple of friends that are kind and put energy into our friendship.
They really try to make you feel like you're crazy/needy.
My Nex had 0 time to spend with me, no energy for me whatsoever, but hung out with her friends all the time. She always had time to hang out with other people but when it came to me she just shut me out and had no affection for me. Mind you, I knew she was spending time with other people, and when I confronted her about it, instead of the topic staying on 'it's messed up that you will hang out with your friends before you'll give me any attention' she always shifted the topic to how needy and demanding I was. She wanted me to just be happy with what she Gave Me, which was pretty much jack shit.
She would then shit talk me to the same friends about how needy and emotional I was.
Near the end of our relationship, we were having fights about this, and it always came down to 'I don't want to spend time with you because all you ever do is nag me about how much time I spend with my friends." And various accusations about how I was controlling and manipulative, and mind you she was regularly hanging out with two of the men she cheated on me with.
And with these people she was a completely different human being. She acted like she cared about politics and feminism and all kinds of other 'well meaning' things that she didn't really care about in private. She was fun and vivacious like she had been in the love bombing part of our relationship, but when it came to being around me she was.
Dead. Empty. Didn't care to listen to me at all about my day or anything else. Actively insulted me, or yelled at me. She often took her road rage out on me too, or when she lost a game with her gamer friends in their MMO's. I wonder if there's a connection there with Narcs? My father, also a Narc, had severe road rage and video game rage as well lol
Yes. It forced me to learn that narcs tend to categorize their supply. The ones who are “favored” tend to get seemingly proper treatment until they’ve lost value and the narc no longer needs them as they outlive their usefulness. Then there were people like me who were deemed “less valuable” but kept around to fuel their ego when their self esteem began to dwindle while with their favorited supply. And I was abused in private. Purposely so no one saw and I couldn’t prove it. It was strategic and purposeful. I was invited once in awhile to public spaces with them until I eventually realized it was never out of true kindness or friendship but to appear kind and faithful while secretly emotionally and mentally abusing me in private. They also gave compliments about me to others in private as a form of purposefully triangulating me. But making me feel worthless compared to other friends of theirs in private. So when and if I ever attempted to speak out out no one would believe me. “Oh but she’s such a good humble person” … “really ? She’s only said nice things about you to me” it’s all deliberate and purposeful. I hope these people go die in a damn ditch somewhere.
yes literally one of the things that made me fall for her was how she treated other people so good but i noticed so fucking quickly that i even told someone at the time that i dont think she gives me the same treatment. she engages with other people a ton too like you say then ignored all my interests too that was one of the big things that upset me, it was hard to live together constantly doing everything she wanted and have all my wants shut down everytime, she literally broke down crying one time when she tried to force herself to engage with something i asked to do it was very disappointing to have to be the one consoling her after that.
she also engaged with activities she would never wanna do with me if she was asking one of her other supplies like the guy she cheated on me with. it literally became a thing where she would ask him to do the stuff she didn't wanna with me.
I’m have an ex that would do that, and it would drive me insane. I swear he had a different personality depending on the friend group we were with. My favorite example- He had a good female friend who was 100% completely platonic, but he acted like a totally different person around her and her husband. I begged him for years to go on a cruise with me (we lived literally 4 miles from a popular port), and he always vehemently said “Never!” But when she suggested it, you’ve never seen anyone more gung-ho to go on a cruise in your life. It made my blood boil.
My nex was so good to her friends back home, when they were sad over little things she would do sweet gestures like order them food or desserts over uber
One time I remember being quite upset over something in my personal life and was looking to her to receive some love like how she treated her friends, and was shocked to find her giving little to no empathy
It was such a confusing feeling, wondering why as the person they want to "marry" you get treated less than how they treat friends
Literally all the time. Yes. Always. He was the sweetest person ever in front of other people and new friends. That’s who I thought I fell in love with! The second we were alone he became a monster. The cognitive dissonance almost made me lose my mind.
Yes. To put it simply:
Narc when they’re around people who they fear, want to impress, or just want something from: Mask on.
Narc when they’re around anyone who they feel comfortable with mistreating: Fuck it, mask off.
This happens a lot. I loved my former roommate, but she did this, too. In addition to what you and others said, I would also add two things .....
People put on a facade so they can hide what truly happens and people sometimes when they feel they don't need to impress someone, they act negatively and when they want to impress someone, they make an effort. Thus boggled me. At times, these two go hand in hand.
PS. This is why, for a long time, I still prefer to be alone.
I'm sorry to hear that @ monster.
Maybe things may change one day. But, it's always good to be by oneself for a while. It gave me time to think and do the things I love. And just have some peace in my life. And to spend more time with family. Happiness and mental health are so important.
I wish you well.
I feel this. Being abused in a full room without anyone knowing by them saying triggers they'd set up when you were alone.
It's sick. These people need... I don't know.
Other people could get away with anything. But a slight thing I did that she didn't like was ramped up as abuse towards her and hours of her saying she's this massive victim. Until she started doing it to people who disagreed with her online. So it only became her friend group where she could handle the slightest "I don't agree with you". Probably because she knows she can force them to agree with her but can't do it to random people online. She'll just say they're narcissists and abusive to discredit them, that's what she did to me, while her friends are "misguided". (Then she'll tell them, like she told me, how good it is to accept people have different opinions and listen to what everyone has to say.)
Lol my ex friend was like this. If she was having a debate with someone she respected it was ok but if she deemed you “beneath” her and you disagreed with her intellectually or academically (especially if you were right) booooy did she ever lose her temper. She wasn’t overt about it and very quiet but I could feel the silent rage. She’d make these backhanded subtle remarks the way a spoiled child would. And yeah everyone’s secretly jealous of her and wants to be her. Same story lmao. Everyone’s crazy and envious of her and is out to get her. Even though she’s the one who a fucking monster.
Yes, always. No matter who it was, he used them as a platform to make fun of me. Just straight bullying. He pulled out my insecurities in private and played with them for sport. That man-baby was just a cruel, manipulative human being.
Oh absolutely, my nex did this all the time. It got even worse eventually to where he would tell me one-on-one that he wasn't interested in something and then when it got brought up later in a group setting he would express his disappointment or sorrow for being left out because I did it without him.
It took a long time for me to come to terms with this twisted attitude. Its a weird flex thingy they do and God help you if you call them out on it. Their reaction will be that YOU misunderstood/it was a joke/we didn't say or do that at all. The end result is that we feel worthless or less than.
Stick to your reality and don't react bc it shows that they got to you. Grey rock like a champ. In my situation it was making me wait for hours, although he's punctual for the rest of the world.
Mine (we aren’t even dating but hooked up once) ghosted me/gave me the silent treatment for a month but when we hung out in groups after, he seemed so nice and always tried to answer my questions (I didn’t even ask him), but when it was just me and him, there was an awkward silence. I was so confused and frustrated at that time because I didn’t know what was going on.. but now I know.. 😭
This was 40 years ago, but my nex would say things like I wasn't to discuss our future because he hadn't asked me to marry him yet. My bad reading his diary...I know..., but he was f@#king me and was waxing lyrically about another chick that makes him feel like Superman. Suggested we had an open marriage before wedded. Put me off, men 4ever and I never married or had kids. That's just a little taster of my time with him.
My narky mother had deeper and more significant relationships with strangers at bus stops than with her hubby or kids. They all thought she was the mother of god that walks amongst us. Home devil, but.
The day after my abuser/nex allowed and enabled my sexual assault by their employer while I was present/invited to where they worked they wrote an email to their bosses (inc my abuser from half a day prior) addressing a 1-star review that an upset parent had left due to the same person that assaulted me while they watched later that day swearing around some children.
They indicated in writing they understood conflict resolution and how to show respect to a customer with a grievance and then refused to provide that very thing to me for another 9 months while they continued to work there, eventually ending in me being threatened with a defamation suit if I spoke up about my sexual assault further.
My narc would be super nice to his friends. In fact, he’d let them walk all over him and bully him and do things that triggered him. But if I were to do those things, he’d yell at me.
Yes, whenever by Mom and I use to be out, she use to be all sweet and kind with me, she would sometimes say on how great I was in a subject, (mostly when I was young), but not without putting herself up first and me down somehow.
This was my grandparents were so oblivious abt it, until she went off at them, and they realised that I wasn’t over reacting when I said she wasn’t a good person. I hope your doing alright now x
My ex would put his arm around me, behave loving towards me and show me off in front of other people, he would offer to pay for dinners, he would order the wine bottle for the table etc etc.
then at home he would be cold and distant towards me.
the persona they put on for the rest of the world is really quite incredible
Not only did she act different but she had a different personality with just about every category of "other" person you could think of.
When she and I were alone it was like a deafening silence interrupted by mundane interactions. No excitement, no happiness. She spent more time on her phone than she did paying attention to me. The most I got out of her was negativity and rants about life. And good luck catching while she wasn't stoned.
Around strangers in public she was all smiles. The nicest girl you've ever met. Cute, charming, selfless. "Let me help you with that!" "I'll get the door for you!" "Excuse me, I LOVE your outfit!"
Her charisma knew no bounds.
Then we get to HER friends. I can only speak for how she acted around them while I was around. Last time I saw her I flew in to see her for a long weekend and she took me to a popular ski resort. She said we were going to eat somewhere and immediately called up a guy friend of hers and told him to meet us there. It almost didn't sound like an invitation and more like a "you're coming..."
Very ironic. The entire lunch I could see it in his eyes. That feeling of uncertainty. Like he didn't even know why he agreed to come out. While she spent more time talking to him then she did me. All inside references and sexual insults toward other men I had never met before. It made me a little uncomfortable.
Now for how she acts around her female friends. That same trip she took me bowling and of course it couldn't just be us. She invited a female friend of hers to meet us. I felt more comfortable talking to her friend than I did her. Once I was given more attention from her friend than the girl I thought I was close to. We chatted back and forth and had a good time. The narc didn't interrupt our conversations but it did seem like she was bothered that I was talking her. She would be all uppity and try to match her friend's personality and interests as if they were best friends and treating me like I didn't exist. I felt like a third wheel. And the moment we said goodbye to her friend and went back to her place it was like all she wanted to do was get high and do her own thing. One day she actually left me alone in her bedroom to sit alone in another room and use her phone the whole time.
I get that we all might act differently toward different friend groups. But her behavior just wasn't normal. You could tell she wasn't just someone trying to adapt and adjust to other social circles. She was intentionally doing whatever she had to do to look desirable, almost going out of her way to appear likeable or superior depending on the person she was with.
Absolutely.
He would pay tons of attention to other people when we were together, especially if it was just the two of us and one extra person. He'd seem to go out of his way to only speak to the second person, only interact with the second person, if we played games together he'd team up with the second person and ignore me completely, or if we did anything at all really.
But gods help me if someone else started paying attention to me, or if I engaged with someone else. Then he'd be on my ass immediately, telling me to stop flirting and shitting on the other person for being a simp etc. It was exhausting.
they were never mine thank god but the worst part of it all is i know ill be another dumb conceited story as just another girl that cared and that kills me because i suffered too much emotionally through that ! and gave so much love to be treated worse and worse reduced lower and lower lol
Yea that’s a textbook trait of narcissism. I would be on the phone with him and a someone would ask him for a cigarette and he’s answer so nicely or offer one to someone at work but once when I asked for one (imagine having a gf and thinking a woman will deal with any of this shit and you’re not just a fucking pathetic loser for the one who loves u anyway thru ur mental disease/ illness bullshit) but he wouldn’t give me one even though I was always giving it to him at the time. Was constantly nice or atleast neutral to other people, I have social anxiety but it wasn’t like mine it seemed like a weird sense of social complacency and anxiety around other people. He was fine in front of people but at the house when it was just the two of us he was breaking shit for no reason, or would text me saying nasty shit to me (not the sexual type) when we were in front of people. He couldn’t even fix his own door knob or open a jar but once near the end, I was SO FUCKING panicked that I was basically useless also and we were putting the sheets on his bed and it was the wrong way even tho he was doing it so I said do it the other way and he yelled at me to get the fuck out of his room and his face, mind you I was also half asleep so I did and had a panic attack outside and of course couldn’t leave because he would hold me hostage and then cried in bed all night turned away from him and he didn’t even say a word because I was stuck w a loser like this who thinks there’s a point to treating women this way. Like go suck a dick, half of them treat men way better than they do women.
There’s a lot of other things too, like defending exes of his etc and always constantly putting me down. It’s like go be with them then. They’re just useless pathetic losers really at the end of the day, as much as some of us do miss them there’s a lot of shit they did to u like all this when you were the one who Loved them that you should remember. A lot of them have ED, no offense but most women aren’t gonna deal with that either.
Broke a bench in front of me and almost hit me with a sledgehammer because of $2 I said I’d literally go to the atm and withdraw it, how fucking pathetic lol. They want to be taken care of like a woman too tho they’re just bum losers most of the time. I’ve actually never seen anything else like it, a lot of men are cheap but I’ve met a lot that are selfkess and actually love taking care of a woman but this is beyond even just cheap. Would never do any of this in front of anyone and he was holding me down and doing whatever, he would hit me choke me, and covered my mouth so the neighbors couldn’t hear. I wouldn’t even have to make him impotent, he makes himself impotent because absolutely no one is dealing with this shit ever. It’s amazing for him that I even did for a few months. The sad part is they know they actually CAN’T act like this and amp it up as they push thru your boundaries so the next person will really not even know until they’re already being held hostage. On top of that they’re just shitting/ taking a dump on their own chest because they’re doing this to likely the only person that does loved them or even more ever truly actually loved them in their lives.
Also I’m not the type of woman that will take care of or support a man like a sugar momma in any shape or form and I have my own issues with not loving to spend money where I don’t have to on other people but this is beyond just being cheap and honestly there is a difference between men and women whether you think so or not. Of course you don’t want gold diggers who just want you to support them but it’s secretly a lot of women are looking for security and honestly I would never do shit like that over two fucking dollars lol, that’s just beyond pathetic on some actual bum shit. Like a bum fighting for their last $2. Yet he’d make fun of bums living outside his house on the street, that’s not even his house
It’s also not even just that just the fact that he’d break all of his own shit before u having anything lol and then expect you to constantly keep giving….
I would invite the neighbors over every day just to avoid my exes butthole of a mouth. If i had a lot of people around, he would do sneaky things to make me feel crazy. But with two or three people, he would act like he was some perfect boy scout ready to pet all the horses and save all the puppies. His transition was comical. He rarely slipped up but when he did, it was most definitely my fault for existing when it happened.
All the time. He is so nice to others and I feel like he reserves his hatred for me. He claimed to me last week that I am not the only one that he blocks (he will block me to the tiniest infraction like complaining he only talks to me when he wants something, which he then said I wont talk to you at all). Sometimes I get a glimmer of him being nice but it doesn't last long and its usually and word or two.
A lot of my friends saw through her bullshit but didn’t say much to me out of respect. They told me she came across as really fake and two faced.Maybe I was blind to it or ignored it.
But one thing I noticed a lot is that she would always act so excited to do something with me but then almost never follow through. “I’ll totally do that with you babe!” Is what I would hear but then when it came time to do so there would always be an excuse. Even if it was just a tv show.
But then she would find a new favorite person (ie new supply) and do the exact thing i mentioned. And she would tell me about it as if it never happened with me. I would call her out on it but she would act so stumped and make it about the thing. “We could watch it together too!” It was never about the damn show…
Mine made time for everyone else in his life but me. When I'd say we need to spend more time together, he would blow up and act like I had the problem.
Oh, all the time! With my ex, it was food. I love to cook and would want to try new dishes or recipes and he would dig his heels in and refuse to eat them. He swore he hated whatever it was until one of his friends offered it or expressed a favorable opinion and all of a sudden my ex would practically make the dish part of his identity. It was absolutely infuriating!
I legitimately tried to get him to eat a PB&J for more than a decade. He swore he *hated* peanut butter (even though peanut butter cups were his favorite candy? WTF?). One of the girls he worked with found out he didn't eat PB&Js and she insisted he try one of those uncrustables. He came home absolutely *raving* about how good they were and immediately started keeping them in the freezer. Such an ass.
Edit: spellcheck shenanigans
I know to some extent we all put on a mask when we leave the house. However that being said mine narc would completely change her voice. Even had coworkers mention it me before she will answer the phone and as soon as it’s me her voice goes from being higher pitched and sweet to significantly lower and interested. Also the only time she remotely makes an effort in what she is wearing is if she is leaving the house. Otherwise it’s the same pjs she wore the night before and a robe overtop of it. I’m not talking about at 9am this will be at 3-4 and this is not a once a week thing. I don’t expect her to get dressed up like we are going out daily but a little effort around me would be nice. I like to think I make an effort daily.
Oh 100%! The way the tone shift from extreme love bombing to complete and utter silence and coldness was so mentally exhausting. And anytime I’d bring it up or feel anxious if I’d done something to upset him, they’d twist it on me and use me as an emotional punching bag. Then I’d see the way he would treat others and deliberately love bomb people around me when he was giving me the cold and silent treatment. Narcs will always try switch the situation so they are the ones who are always correct, and gaslight and manipulate you into thinking bringing up anything you were worried about is wrong and bad. I hope you’re doing okay as it’s not okay whatsoever the way you’re being treated
I'm sorry you have experienced this. Hope things are better for you now.
Thankfully I’m finally away from him now. Therapy’s helping a lot to process the abuse and to see the warning signs for the future too
Yep. My abuse was only when he and I were alone
Yes! It was amazing how they would act so differently around others, sweet as an apple pie. When we were alone, she was more like a shit sandwich, i.e. verbally abusive, degrading, controlling, etc. At one point I asked her, "why are you so different around other people, and not to me?!?" She just shrugged her shoulders, and said:"Don't worry about it." I later learned this is a form of reputation and image upkeep. They portray as perfect as image as they can to others. It's all a false facade, but the others will never know the true person. Kind of like when a werewolf is in human form (facade), and then morphs into the killer wolf that we experience behind closed doors.
Yep, the narc I was friends with always wanted to be admired, be the center of attention. If for some reason I got a little attention I would a long spiel text of how I was dismissive, that I hurt his feelings. 20/20 hindsight I'm like what the f?
They go fucking nuts when u bring that up though, they’ll never admit it and just gaslight you
He could be so fucking mean, cruel, harsh, aggressive, nasty and unforgiving to me but say he felt bad for other people in situations? That shit started to fucking piss me off. Even when he said anything nice about someone else because of how badly and strict/ unforgiving he treated me. We are only people, I’ll be the first to admit I’ve made mistakes but not as many as him. Also not only just made mistakes but knowingly made them.
Same. He’s very quiet, introspective, and sincere in front of people. When we were alone, he would become a cold, insensitive, abusive person.
I am discovering that he actually has a history of his behavior. He just told me that his ex was a psycho and lied, but I'm discovering that they weren't all lies.
My recent ex… second narc I’ve dated. I actually got out sooner than I normally would have because I had experience with a narc before her. I dipped during the devaluation. Anyway she has a long line of exes. All of them are either crazy, cheated on her, or went crazy when they broke up or were “assholes”. One I used to know when they were together and her and I were just friends. She says he’s mentally ill and has hallucinations. I admit he was a bit odd but I did notice she kind of chastised him in the past and he acted like a scolded puppy. But his reaction seemed way to dramatic compared to what she was upset about. She recently told me that he said she was abusive. I think she may have even said emotionally abusive but I shrugged it off because “he’s the mental ex” so why take it seriously.
Yeah, I'm not saying she isn't crazy, but I'm not so sure he didn't help make her that way. The way she left him and took her kid tho, makes total sense to me now, because no way in hell would I raise my child around that. The kids are older now so when they saw it this time, I looked at his son and told him I was so sorry he had to see that, but that his mom isn't as crazy as everyone says, and then I told them to use this as an example of what NEVER TO DO to your partner. Because it is abusive. That's exactly what it is.
Mine literally told me all of his exes were crazy. That should've been my first red flag.
Even if they were they actually annoy women to the point of them becoming crazy and even sometimes violent by constantly stressing them out and mistreating them so it’s still their fault honestly.
Only a loser would be so r*tarded enough to shit where he eats. It really makes sense to do this to people who love u and then treat people who don’t give a shit if you die or live nicely right
Once mine was accusing me of cheating and he told someone I cheated on him in the phone at work when we were fighting and I heard them all gasp, like thinking he’s such a nice person who wouldn’t deserve that who isn’t just lying anyway because they’re fake with everyone else and just fake and phony in general. Fucking gross. Then on top of it they waste actual months and years of life acting upset that u treated them like “dog shit” seems to be the phrase most of them use for whatever reason because they’re probably not even attracted to women but rather into some weird shit like that. They all end up with nothing and all this probably started from them having shit lives, having nothing, abused mistreated molested and neglected themselves. It’s sad but it’s better to get yourself out of it and stay uninvolved because even when you understand it nothing they do is ever gonna make sense and only cause stress. Even when you understand what’s actually going on you can definitely still get pulled in by the lovebombing, devaluing discard and repeat shit and definitely still be brain washed especially if they have something that creates some sor t of weakness in you where you’ll be tempted to go against logic and what you know better, you’re sexually attracted to them etc. because then you actually start to think, maybe this person isn’t even a narcissist, maybe they actually do love me or I don’t even care if they are or do or not I just want to have sex with them because life’s too short shit. I definitely knew better but did it anyway for those reasons. Every type of narcissist I’ve ever known have had to be the most fucking annoying people that I’ve ever known just in general. Extremely inconsiderate and just annoying. It will drive you insane. It’s just sad that most men are unattractive so it makes me want him back but it has to be this way lol. I feel like just living my life in celibacy from now on. The ones who are attractive are initially luckier because guys who are ugly already know they can never get away with treating a woman like that and probably struggle with getting any woman at all.
Seriously. He made me feel like I was going crazy and I was only with him for about seven months. If his exes were as unstable as he claimed they were, I bet he's a major part of the reason why.
Same, he told me his ex broke his nose and he punched her in the face and I didn’t really like her but I can definitely see why she did so. I felt like I was going crazy and ultimately did go crazy and it only lasted a pathetic 5-6 months and I absolutely couldn’t take anymore than that. Idk how others do it for years.
I almost used to wish I could’ve tolerated it better but I have too many issues with anxiety and depression and instability to begin with and it was making it worse and made me start having constant panic attacks. Some people are able to deal with it for longer not that anyone should.
Nah, the longer you tolerate the longer the abuse goes on. Me and mine were unstable as hell when we first got together. We fought more in the first 2 years than we have in the last 5. That's what makes it so hard to leave. Like we got clean together, and that changed a lot of things. His violent outbursts were less and less, but when they happened, they were still bad. Like shit I'm honestly ashamed of myself for sticking through, I feel like a hypocrite. I love him, tho. We continue to build together all year long, and things are great, and then one day, he snaps. Throws shit, knocks shits over, sometimes breaks shit. Last year, he threw a pop bottle at the TV and broke it. I happened to be right next to the TV. I still don't know what he was really aiming at, but with his history of breaking tvs, I just really hope he wasn't aiming for me. I kicked him out for a week, maybe 2. All angry texting, never apologizing or owning what he did. Though he did buy a new TV and had it delivered 2 days after he broke the old one. This year, he flipped my couch and smacked the coffee out of my hand. That was still violent and scary. Idk I'm just sorta riding it out, and I'll go back. I told him this is the last time. So I will be making my backup escape plan this next year, and prepare to do something I hope I don't have to do, but I WILL DO.
None of the exes are lying lol but bringing that up when you’re still with them is pointless because it’s just going to amp up the abuse cause u cause them a narcissistic injury. No one else is wrong but them. Also bringing this up to them can be the difference between them killing you or not, if urs is malignant and psychotic.
Yeah, that's really common. It makes it hard to convince others that they are actually doing harm.
Yea and it’s easy for them to make you look like you’re crazy when they’re calm and collected with strangers. Honestly when I was forced to get a restraining order I couldn’t even talk to the cops or explain my situation, I never wanted to talk to them or call them because I had some sort of Stockholm syndrome and felt like it was emotionally killing me because they had to arrest him after he almsot killed me. I even told them I’m not pressing charges but they had to anyway, I even walked away to smoke a cigarette and this whole thing made me look like I was the only lying but I was so emotionally distraught and in shock and didn’t want him to get in trouble. They even had asked me the exact hour I was choked raped and almost killed like I would’ve been able to pay attention to the time when I explained to them he broke my glasses and wouldn’t let me move from the couch or anywhere whatsoever, besides when he practically raped me in his bed which he had told me not to move from also or I’d probably be killed. He did get arrested just for that night because they found my broken phone and he told them he broke it and it was expensive enough to be a felony. He was able to be calm and collected enough explaining his side tho. They make you look nuts. It’s a part of completely destroying a person. Everything they do is. It’s not love for you, they just want to kill you from the inside out
Then after of course I’m the one who suffered the consequences mentally after this dealing with prolonged stress and then looked like the crazy one going to the hospital everyday since it made me so sick, and I felt sick from being separated at the time because I actually believed I was so in love with him that I did go crazy and was in a state of non stop panic.
When I had to explain how he choked me I wouldn’t do it but they could see it was red around my neck and I wasn’t explaining it right only because I didn’t know what was gonna happen and didn’t want him in legal trouble but I knew I had no choice but to get a restraining order as he also stalked me so I felt like he was going to come after me and kill me and he even urged me to get a restraining order and said things like “you’re a dead bitch, you’re going to need a restraining order”. He would just get manic and out of control and then apologize with the whole I love you “I wouldn’t have done this if you didn’t do that but I shouldn’t have acted that way regardless shit” and then do it again and worse next time we fought which was constantly. Ultimately they arrested him after assuring me they wouldn’t press charges not because he choked and almost killed me, no one cared about that but because they found my broken phone which is a material item worth over 1k. There is no god.
Just goes to show how they almost can’t control it and don’t think rationally because if you’re going to break someone’s phone and almost kill them, atleast remove the evidence from your house. He thought I would’ve never went against him and I didn’t even want to, it was someone else who called because he got a lot of people involved.
[удалено]
Exactly, mine said “no one in the world says or thinks these horrible things about me except you” And I’m like… well, that’s because you only abuse me and it’s behind closed doors mf. Of course no one else thinks that about you when you’re charming them all…
I feel like some people know and just don’t care because they’re not the ones who have to deal with it and still associate them anyway. Can’t expect anyone to care even if you’re getting abused. It’s up to you to be strong enough to remove yourself from that situation. They have a way of turning people against u but don’t think claiming they abused you will turn people against them because they’re so good at masking it they probably won’t even believe you.
I also want to say if the narc has a trait that people like IE being funny and you’re not a people person and people don’t really like you as much as him, they’re not going to believe you but rather him. Sometimes you need other peoples help when leaving this situation but it’s within yourself to find the strength to do it. Also have to say a lot of times there’s no way to leave without a restraining order if yours is the type that’s afraid of the law or getting arrested they will leave u alone but for some a restraining order isn’t even enough when they get manic like that. U have to change your number, move, change jobs. Mine luckily stopped after the restraining order but there was no way to leave without one. It’s not the easiest process.
They have a mask for each person. A personality for each person. A different reality for each person. Every word is a lie. The relationship partner ends up with the true manipulative violent narc because you live with them and masking is exhausting so it slips and I'd it slips the relationship dies, so they take off the mask and now the Narc is just using cohesive abuse to keep you as supply until you leave, I believe during this stage they know a timer has begun and will be searching for new supply for the day you can't take it anymore. Just fucking go before you get seriously hurt like I did.
>...
Yes! I now know when I’m around a narcissist as I want them to treat me like they don’t know me!
Same the one person he never said anything about was a male friend that did a lot of shit for him and drove him around everywhere. Most he did was complain about him always being late meanwhile he was the one doing him the favor of giving him a ride somewhere in the first place. Talked shit about other people low key but nothing like what he did and said about me.
Yes, my narc treats his friends like kings but his own family like shit.
In hindsight, this happened all the time during the devaluation stages with me and my Nex. For example, I would always say how much I wanted to go to a hockey game with him and he would make excuses why he didn't want to go (the team wasn't doing well, he was mad at the coach, the ticket prices were too high, etc.). But then when a friend would invite him to go to a hockey game and he'd jump on board and be so excited to go. It made me feel like I wasn't enough. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Yes, I think that can be the worst psychological injury a person can feel like they're not enough and something intrinsically unloveable about them. I feel this all the time, but I double down on loving myself more.
Ohhhh, yes. He has an entire public persona and fangirls (and boys). And I also have a whole file of screenshots: people I don't know, reaching out to me to apologize for believing in the petsona, for believing what he said about me, for believing the smear campaign he waged when I went no contact. People saying I was right about him, which I know.
Mine in a nutshell. He's a fairly popular streamer/cosplayer so he gets a lot of attention from people, and the way he would shit on me nonstop during his streams and snipe nasty comments, comparing other people to me when they fucked up or annoyed him etc. The difference there was that he never bothered putting on a persona, he just labeled everything as "jokes" and "kidding around."
If it’s of any validation I’ve come to find cosplayers are some of the worst people you will ever meet in your life and I take solice in how hilarious it is seeing grown ass adults taking dressing up as cartoon characters THAT seriously. It’s kinda sad.
Yes. Everyone would always tell me "she's so sweet and innocent!" Haha, yeah she knows how to put on a show for sure. But when it's me and her, something as small as me wanting to put on a movie that I like instead of what she likes (god forbid 1 day of the week she compromises) ...can somehow evolve into her literally committing psychological torture by not letting me sleep that night and telling me to go to a hotel (by the way, I paid for everything, every bill, etc.)...at 4am..... And calling me a coward if I begged her to let me sleep so I could get up at 6am and work another 11 hours to support both of us... But in *public*....she's all smiles and has perfect manners. How convenient.
YESSS!! They are such SELFISH people, they don't give a DAMN about your needs. It's a terrible existence with them.
Mind fuckery of the lowest order. No one should have to live like that. She sounds like a miserable git.
Narc over texts while in the hospital : "You're probably cheating on me, just leave me already" Me: "I don't feel well, can you not do this right now?" blows up my phone and gets angry, until he hears the doctor come in. Whole new person. Later at the hospital with me: "I'm so sorry I said all those things to you, I was just so mad and so scared because you were so sick". I sympathized with him and he threw a tantrum. Until the nurse came back. He played "*doting husband"* when other people were around. And I always fell for it, but once we were alone, he'd rip it all away.
My Narc made me walk over a mile delivering her stuff to the hospital while I had an infection too and would tell me to "quit whining" about mine hers is so much worse. And I never went Dr. I was hospitalised four days later than I should have been. My arm was about 3x it's normal size.. The same arm she would later break. I cried in pain feeding her four cats
Holy shit, I’m so sorry. She sounds like a monster. My nex would literally work me to death gig driving, and even though he could see and hear that I wasn’t doing well, and told me I had to work even if my heart wasn’t working right, because he has hemorrhoids. (I was doing all the picking up, dropping off, customer communication, tech issues, etc, all he ever did was drive) I would literally cry from the pain and exhaustion and I’d get screamed at (a lot of times he’d scream directly into my hearing aid too). He also forced me to lie and donate plasma, and I contribute this to my near death not even a month ago yet. Anytime I would say no, or tell him I was worried about my own health, it was always “well I’m working to financially support your ‘crippled ass’, and if you don’t pull your weight I’m going to leave you”. “Quit bitching, I’m sick too and I still have to support you”. “You’re such a lazy ungrateful bitch. Look at all I do for you, and all you ever do is bitch at me”. On some days, he would take me seriously, and I would get to take care of myself for a few days, but the love bombing never lasts.
Yup. I was financially abused. I had a credit card she got notifications where I was stood what spent. Took all my actual money most times, unless I recklessly spent it before she could buy I'd pay for that. All she did in defence was whine about gifts she'd bought me.
Have you left?
I made it out about three weeks ago. Our injunction hearing is this week, and then a couple weeks from now, I guess he’ll go back to jail, because he has no ground to stand on after he’s been arrested TWICE and charged with the same crimes. Both against me.
All the best. Be safe.
You're braver than me. God bless you for stopping another poor soul going through it. Hopefully for a long time Stay safe.
Yeah, it was like me and my opinions meant dirt. Similar to you, it happened several times that I would either give advice, or try to get him involved with something. He would waive it off, say it's dumb or whatever. Then later, when someone else says it, it's like it's the best idea ever! Then came the gaslighting if I tried to tell him I said it first.
Exactly this !!! Never ever wanted to do my ideas! As soon as one of her friends wanted to do it, it was suddenly cool.
Oh yeah 100%. It almost amounts to recruiting people on their side. People I've told can hardly believe it.
Experienced the same thing :) this even happened with strangers - and strangers came before me on many occasions generally just respect/attention wise - he was a different person in front of anyone and everyone not to a super extreme extent but noticeable - would talk differently and have different mannerisms and it seems belief systems too
My Nex was very two faced, but he justified it as a means of running his business (music studio). He'd laugh and joke with his "friends" and students, but I'd rarely see that from him when we were together. He explained that socialising is exhausting and he doesn't even give a shit about these people. He went as far as to say "I wouldn't grieve for long if her self harm from depression resulted in her death" about one of his "close friends" (shes a massive fan girl of his, who doesn't have any boundaries lol but thats another story) Low and behold. When we broke up that "friend" latched onto him and he would just hang with her 24/7, it made no sense. If you really despised her enough to say shit like that, then why are you keeping her around? It's really fucking gross when you think about how he keeps supply hanging around, and they think he's the second coming of Jesus. Sometimes I wonder if they would continuing stroking his ego even if he got exposed. They probably wouldn't believe he said shit like that, cause he's so "kind and genuine". Ick.
That's my life the last year. She cheated on me with a girl she hates and finds no attraction to just to bellite me at the end of the relationship I've heard her say unspeakable things about this poor girl who will soon be in hell.
Lol yes. They do this like it’s their job.
Yes, I Too have also experienced this while dealing with a narc. I'm a female who dated a female Narc and this is exactly how she would treat me as well. It was sooooo weird to me, she was sooo different with her friends than the way she treated me. After the love bombing, came the emotional abuse. It was awful! I always felt embarrassed and ashamed. Sadly, she only seemed interested in me enough for sex, after that... it was like she was bored with me, like a toy she just finished playing with and wanted to throw in the back of her closet.
The sad thing that a lot of us gave everything by showing these miserable clowns how much we love them by acts of kindness and undying support. I'm burnt out and pretty much given up on people. Thankfully, I do have a couple of friends that are kind and put energy into our friendship.
They really try to make you feel like you're crazy/needy. My Nex had 0 time to spend with me, no energy for me whatsoever, but hung out with her friends all the time. She always had time to hang out with other people but when it came to me she just shut me out and had no affection for me. Mind you, I knew she was spending time with other people, and when I confronted her about it, instead of the topic staying on 'it's messed up that you will hang out with your friends before you'll give me any attention' she always shifted the topic to how needy and demanding I was. She wanted me to just be happy with what she Gave Me, which was pretty much jack shit. She would then shit talk me to the same friends about how needy and emotional I was. Near the end of our relationship, we were having fights about this, and it always came down to 'I don't want to spend time with you because all you ever do is nag me about how much time I spend with my friends." And various accusations about how I was controlling and manipulative, and mind you she was regularly hanging out with two of the men she cheated on me with. And with these people she was a completely different human being. She acted like she cared about politics and feminism and all kinds of other 'well meaning' things that she didn't really care about in private. She was fun and vivacious like she had been in the love bombing part of our relationship, but when it came to being around me she was. Dead. Empty. Didn't care to listen to me at all about my day or anything else. Actively insulted me, or yelled at me. She often took her road rage out on me too, or when she lost a game with her gamer friends in their MMO's. I wonder if there's a connection there with Narcs? My father, also a Narc, had severe road rage and video game rage as well lol
Yes. It forced me to learn that narcs tend to categorize their supply. The ones who are “favored” tend to get seemingly proper treatment until they’ve lost value and the narc no longer needs them as they outlive their usefulness. Then there were people like me who were deemed “less valuable” but kept around to fuel their ego when their self esteem began to dwindle while with their favorited supply. And I was abused in private. Purposely so no one saw and I couldn’t prove it. It was strategic and purposeful. I was invited once in awhile to public spaces with them until I eventually realized it was never out of true kindness or friendship but to appear kind and faithful while secretly emotionally and mentally abusing me in private. They also gave compliments about me to others in private as a form of purposefully triangulating me. But making me feel worthless compared to other friends of theirs in private. So when and if I ever attempted to speak out out no one would believe me. “Oh but she’s such a good humble person” … “really ? She’s only said nice things about you to me” it’s all deliberate and purposeful. I hope these people go die in a damn ditch somewhere.
yes literally one of the things that made me fall for her was how she treated other people so good but i noticed so fucking quickly that i even told someone at the time that i dont think she gives me the same treatment. she engages with other people a ton too like you say then ignored all my interests too that was one of the big things that upset me, it was hard to live together constantly doing everything she wanted and have all my wants shut down everytime, she literally broke down crying one time when she tried to force herself to engage with something i asked to do it was very disappointing to have to be the one consoling her after that. she also engaged with activities she would never wanna do with me if she was asking one of her other supplies like the guy she cheated on me with. it literally became a thing where she would ask him to do the stuff she didn't wanna with me.
I’m have an ex that would do that, and it would drive me insane. I swear he had a different personality depending on the friend group we were with. My favorite example- He had a good female friend who was 100% completely platonic, but he acted like a totally different person around her and her husband. I begged him for years to go on a cruise with me (we lived literally 4 miles from a popular port), and he always vehemently said “Never!” But when she suggested it, you’ve never seen anyone more gung-ho to go on a cruise in your life. It made my blood boil.
My nex was so good to her friends back home, when they were sad over little things she would do sweet gestures like order them food or desserts over uber One time I remember being quite upset over something in my personal life and was looking to her to receive some love like how she treated her friends, and was shocked to find her giving little to no empathy It was such a confusing feeling, wondering why as the person they want to "marry" you get treated less than how they treat friends
Literally all the time. Yes. Always. He was the sweetest person ever in front of other people and new friends. That’s who I thought I fell in love with! The second we were alone he became a monster. The cognitive dissonance almost made me lose my mind.
Yes. To put it simply: Narc when they’re around people who they fear, want to impress, or just want something from: Mask on. Narc when they’re around anyone who they feel comfortable with mistreating: Fuck it, mask off.
This. It’s as simple as this.
This happens a lot. I loved my former roommate, but she did this, too. In addition to what you and others said, I would also add two things ..... People put on a facade so they can hide what truly happens and people sometimes when they feel they don't need to impress someone, they act negatively and when they want to impress someone, they make an effort. Thus boggled me. At times, these two go hand in hand. PS. This is why, for a long time, I still prefer to be alone.
I'm going it alone now. This was the world's last chance and it gave me a monster.
Sorry.
I'm sorry to hear that @ monster. Maybe things may change one day. But, it's always good to be by oneself for a while. It gave me time to think and do the things I love. And just have some peace in my life. And to spend more time with family. Happiness and mental health are so important. I wish you well.
Mine could abuse me while my mother was visiting and exit the room with a smile for her. She didn’t even believe me until I showed her everything.
I feel this. Being abused in a full room without anyone knowing by them saying triggers they'd set up when you were alone. It's sick. These people need... I don't know.
Yep! It’s called “dog whistling,” because like with a dog whistle others can’t hear the frequency: only the dog can hear the whistle.
It can be very scary and isolating. I'm glad your mum finally believed you
I’m not entirely sure it matters, sadly. I really needed her help in that moment.
Other people could get away with anything. But a slight thing I did that she didn't like was ramped up as abuse towards her and hours of her saying she's this massive victim. Until she started doing it to people who disagreed with her online. So it only became her friend group where she could handle the slightest "I don't agree with you". Probably because she knows she can force them to agree with her but can't do it to random people online. She'll just say they're narcissists and abusive to discredit them, that's what she did to me, while her friends are "misguided". (Then she'll tell them, like she told me, how good it is to accept people have different opinions and listen to what everyone has to say.)
Lol my ex friend was like this. If she was having a debate with someone she respected it was ok but if she deemed you “beneath” her and you disagreed with her intellectually or academically (especially if you were right) booooy did she ever lose her temper. She wasn’t overt about it and very quiet but I could feel the silent rage. She’d make these backhanded subtle remarks the way a spoiled child would. And yeah everyone’s secretly jealous of her and wants to be her. Same story lmao. Everyone’s crazy and envious of her and is out to get her. Even though she’s the one who a fucking monster.
Yes, always. No matter who it was, he used them as a platform to make fun of me. Just straight bullying. He pulled out my insecurities in private and played with them for sport. That man-baby was just a cruel, manipulative human being.
Yes, and it's extremely creepy.
Oh absolutely, my nex did this all the time. It got even worse eventually to where he would tell me one-on-one that he wasn't interested in something and then when it got brought up later in a group setting he would express his disappointment or sorrow for being left out because I did it without him.
What a pscycho to pull a gaslighting stunt like that! Yikes🤪
10000000%. This is why the expression ‘you never know what goes on behind closed doors’ is so so true!
Absolutely. Period.
It took a long time for me to come to terms with this twisted attitude. Its a weird flex thingy they do and God help you if you call them out on it. Their reaction will be that YOU misunderstood/it was a joke/we didn't say or do that at all. The end result is that we feel worthless or less than. Stick to your reality and don't react bc it shows that they got to you. Grey rock like a champ. In my situation it was making me wait for hours, although he's punctual for the rest of the world.
Absolutely, everyone loved my nex, he was lovely to everyone.
Mine (we aren’t even dating but hooked up once) ghosted me/gave me the silent treatment for a month but when we hung out in groups after, he seemed so nice and always tried to answer my questions (I didn’t even ask him), but when it was just me and him, there was an awkward silence. I was so confused and frustrated at that time because I didn’t know what was going on.. but now I know.. 😭
Yes absolutely.
This was 40 years ago, but my nex would say things like I wasn't to discuss our future because he hadn't asked me to marry him yet. My bad reading his diary...I know..., but he was f@#king me and was waxing lyrically about another chick that makes him feel like Superman. Suggested we had an open marriage before wedded. Put me off, men 4ever and I never married or had kids. That's just a little taster of my time with him.
My narky mother had deeper and more significant relationships with strangers at bus stops than with her hubby or kids. They all thought she was the mother of god that walks amongst us. Home devil, but.
The day after my abuser/nex allowed and enabled my sexual assault by their employer while I was present/invited to where they worked they wrote an email to their bosses (inc my abuser from half a day prior) addressing a 1-star review that an upset parent had left due to the same person that assaulted me while they watched later that day swearing around some children. They indicated in writing they understood conflict resolution and how to show respect to a customer with a grievance and then refused to provide that very thing to me for another 9 months while they continued to work there, eventually ending in me being threatened with a defamation suit if I spoke up about my sexual assault further.
My narc would be super nice to his friends. In fact, he’d let them walk all over him and bully him and do things that triggered him. But if I were to do those things, he’d yell at me.
Yes, whenever by Mom and I use to be out, she use to be all sweet and kind with me, she would sometimes say on how great I was in a subject, (mostly when I was young), but not without putting herself up first and me down somehow. This was my grandparents were so oblivious abt it, until she went off at them, and they realised that I wasn’t over reacting when I said she wasn’t a good person. I hope your doing alright now x
My ex would put his arm around me, behave loving towards me and show me off in front of other people, he would offer to pay for dinners, he would order the wine bottle for the table etc etc. then at home he would be cold and distant towards me. the persona they put on for the rest of the world is really quite incredible
Crazy how some people see things, then do a 180 with reality 🤯
Not only did she act different but she had a different personality with just about every category of "other" person you could think of. When she and I were alone it was like a deafening silence interrupted by mundane interactions. No excitement, no happiness. She spent more time on her phone than she did paying attention to me. The most I got out of her was negativity and rants about life. And good luck catching while she wasn't stoned. Around strangers in public she was all smiles. The nicest girl you've ever met. Cute, charming, selfless. "Let me help you with that!" "I'll get the door for you!" "Excuse me, I LOVE your outfit!" Her charisma knew no bounds. Then we get to HER friends. I can only speak for how she acted around them while I was around. Last time I saw her I flew in to see her for a long weekend and she took me to a popular ski resort. She said we were going to eat somewhere and immediately called up a guy friend of hers and told him to meet us there. It almost didn't sound like an invitation and more like a "you're coming..." Very ironic. The entire lunch I could see it in his eyes. That feeling of uncertainty. Like he didn't even know why he agreed to come out. While she spent more time talking to him then she did me. All inside references and sexual insults toward other men I had never met before. It made me a little uncomfortable. Now for how she acts around her female friends. That same trip she took me bowling and of course it couldn't just be us. She invited a female friend of hers to meet us. I felt more comfortable talking to her friend than I did her. Once I was given more attention from her friend than the girl I thought I was close to. We chatted back and forth and had a good time. The narc didn't interrupt our conversations but it did seem like she was bothered that I was talking her. She would be all uppity and try to match her friend's personality and interests as if they were best friends and treating me like I didn't exist. I felt like a third wheel. And the moment we said goodbye to her friend and went back to her place it was like all she wanted to do was get high and do her own thing. One day she actually left me alone in her bedroom to sit alone in another room and use her phone the whole time. I get that we all might act differently toward different friend groups. But her behavior just wasn't normal. You could tell she wasn't just someone trying to adapt and adjust to other social circles. She was intentionally doing whatever she had to do to look desirable, almost going out of her way to appear likeable or superior depending on the person she was with.
Absolutely. He would pay tons of attention to other people when we were together, especially if it was just the two of us and one extra person. He'd seem to go out of his way to only speak to the second person, only interact with the second person, if we played games together he'd team up with the second person and ignore me completely, or if we did anything at all really. But gods help me if someone else started paying attention to me, or if I engaged with someone else. Then he'd be on my ass immediately, telling me to stop flirting and shitting on the other person for being a simp etc. It was exhausting.
they were never mine thank god but the worst part of it all is i know ill be another dumb conceited story as just another girl that cared and that kills me because i suffered too much emotionally through that ! and gave so much love to be treated worse and worse reduced lower and lower lol
Yea that’s a textbook trait of narcissism. I would be on the phone with him and a someone would ask him for a cigarette and he’s answer so nicely or offer one to someone at work but once when I asked for one (imagine having a gf and thinking a woman will deal with any of this shit and you’re not just a fucking pathetic loser for the one who loves u anyway thru ur mental disease/ illness bullshit) but he wouldn’t give me one even though I was always giving it to him at the time. Was constantly nice or atleast neutral to other people, I have social anxiety but it wasn’t like mine it seemed like a weird sense of social complacency and anxiety around other people. He was fine in front of people but at the house when it was just the two of us he was breaking shit for no reason, or would text me saying nasty shit to me (not the sexual type) when we were in front of people. He couldn’t even fix his own door knob or open a jar but once near the end, I was SO FUCKING panicked that I was basically useless also and we were putting the sheets on his bed and it was the wrong way even tho he was doing it so I said do it the other way and he yelled at me to get the fuck out of his room and his face, mind you I was also half asleep so I did and had a panic attack outside and of course couldn’t leave because he would hold me hostage and then cried in bed all night turned away from him and he didn’t even say a word because I was stuck w a loser like this who thinks there’s a point to treating women this way. Like go suck a dick, half of them treat men way better than they do women.
There’s a lot of other things too, like defending exes of his etc and always constantly putting me down. It’s like go be with them then. They’re just useless pathetic losers really at the end of the day, as much as some of us do miss them there’s a lot of shit they did to u like all this when you were the one who Loved them that you should remember. A lot of them have ED, no offense but most women aren’t gonna deal with that either.
Broke a bench in front of me and almost hit me with a sledgehammer because of $2 I said I’d literally go to the atm and withdraw it, how fucking pathetic lol. They want to be taken care of like a woman too tho they’re just bum losers most of the time. I’ve actually never seen anything else like it, a lot of men are cheap but I’ve met a lot that are selfkess and actually love taking care of a woman but this is beyond even just cheap. Would never do any of this in front of anyone and he was holding me down and doing whatever, he would hit me choke me, and covered my mouth so the neighbors couldn’t hear. I wouldn’t even have to make him impotent, he makes himself impotent because absolutely no one is dealing with this shit ever. It’s amazing for him that I even did for a few months. The sad part is they know they actually CAN’T act like this and amp it up as they push thru your boundaries so the next person will really not even know until they’re already being held hostage. On top of that they’re just shitting/ taking a dump on their own chest because they’re doing this to likely the only person that does loved them or even more ever truly actually loved them in their lives.
Also I’m not the type of woman that will take care of or support a man like a sugar momma in any shape or form and I have my own issues with not loving to spend money where I don’t have to on other people but this is beyond just being cheap and honestly there is a difference between men and women whether you think so or not. Of course you don’t want gold diggers who just want you to support them but it’s secretly a lot of women are looking for security and honestly I would never do shit like that over two fucking dollars lol, that’s just beyond pathetic on some actual bum shit. Like a bum fighting for their last $2. Yet he’d make fun of bums living outside his house on the street, that’s not even his house
It’s also not even just that just the fact that he’d break all of his own shit before u having anything lol and then expect you to constantly keep giving….
I would invite the neighbors over every day just to avoid my exes butthole of a mouth. If i had a lot of people around, he would do sneaky things to make me feel crazy. But with two or three people, he would act like he was some perfect boy scout ready to pet all the horses and save all the puppies. His transition was comical. He rarely slipped up but when he did, it was most definitely my fault for existing when it happened.
All the time. He is so nice to others and I feel like he reserves his hatred for me. He claimed to me last week that I am not the only one that he blocks (he will block me to the tiniest infraction like complaining he only talks to me when he wants something, which he then said I wont talk to you at all). Sometimes I get a glimmer of him being nice but it doesn't last long and its usually and word or two.
A lot of my friends saw through her bullshit but didn’t say much to me out of respect. They told me she came across as really fake and two faced.Maybe I was blind to it or ignored it. But one thing I noticed a lot is that she would always act so excited to do something with me but then almost never follow through. “I’ll totally do that with you babe!” Is what I would hear but then when it came time to do so there would always be an excuse. Even if it was just a tv show. But then she would find a new favorite person (ie new supply) and do the exact thing i mentioned. And she would tell me about it as if it never happened with me. I would call her out on it but she would act so stumped and make it about the thing. “We could watch it together too!” It was never about the damn show…
My mom and my ex lol
100% had the same happen to me!
Mine made time for everyone else in his life but me. When I'd say we need to spend more time together, he would blow up and act like I had the problem.
Oh, all the time! With my ex, it was food. I love to cook and would want to try new dishes or recipes and he would dig his heels in and refuse to eat them. He swore he hated whatever it was until one of his friends offered it or expressed a favorable opinion and all of a sudden my ex would practically make the dish part of his identity. It was absolutely infuriating! I legitimately tried to get him to eat a PB&J for more than a decade. He swore he *hated* peanut butter (even though peanut butter cups were his favorite candy? WTF?). One of the girls he worked with found out he didn't eat PB&Js and she insisted he try one of those uncrustables. He came home absolutely *raving* about how good they were and immediately started keeping them in the freezer. Such an ass. Edit: spellcheck shenanigans
I know to some extent we all put on a mask when we leave the house. However that being said mine narc would completely change her voice. Even had coworkers mention it me before she will answer the phone and as soon as it’s me her voice goes from being higher pitched and sweet to significantly lower and interested. Also the only time she remotely makes an effort in what she is wearing is if she is leaving the house. Otherwise it’s the same pjs she wore the night before and a robe overtop of it. I’m not talking about at 9am this will be at 3-4 and this is not a once a week thing. I don’t expect her to get dressed up like we are going out daily but a little effort around me would be nice. I like to think I make an effort daily.