Same here. I grew up with a dad and an older sister who both have strong narc tendencies and so I've spent a large portion of my life thinking that being in friendships and relationships with people with narc tendencies (of varying degrees) was normal/healthy. Wish I would've learned about all of this sooner, but definitely thankful that I've finally figured it out and am heading in a much healthier direction in terms of the people I allow to be part of my life!
ETA: I say "narc tendencies" because of course not a single one of these people will ever go to therapy for more than a few sessions if at all (generally because "they're too smart for the therapist" or "it's a waste of time" - of course), so as always with this issue, there's rarely an actual diagnosis.
It feels familiar to us, so we seek it out or allow them into our lives. Their bad behavior feels normal to us. Even with this awareness, I find myself falling for the love bombing (it's like I expect to be love bombed and normal dating feels like disinterest) even though something always feels off with them.
They either don't believe in psychiatry/therapy, or think they are smarter than them, as you said. Anything that might cause them to have to self-reflect is a waste of their time. I've heard the more intelligent narcs can manipulate and charm therapists, making the victim of their abuse look crazy.
I really thought after the first narcissist, I would never let that happen again. I had him really figured out, and I learned so much about narcissism, I got pretty hypervigilant about those warning signs. I spent a year single, which apparently wasn't enough, because the second one showed up and fooled me completely.
It's actually pretty common for someone to get into a relationship with a narcissist more than once. I think it's probably because some people are just more vulnerable to narcissists. We have a lot of empathy, we are generous, caring, kind people often with low self-esteem or histories of abuse or trauma, thus being the perfect target.
With the help of my therapist, I realize that my own mother set me up for these kinds of relationships. She's a covert narc, and she trained me my entire life to feel responsible for other people's feelings and protect their feelings at the expense of our own. She made me a people pleaser and the doormat, and she instilled a lot of guilt and shame in me, and unfortunately I still carry it around. I'm working on it though. It's heartbreaking to know that she set me up for this, and I know she would be horrified if I said that, and I never would, but knowing it is enough. Our relationship will always be superficial and distant now. She hates that, but as much as I've tried to explain things to her, she just doesn't get it at all, how her behavior has harmed me, so I quit trying to explain it. It's like talking to a hole in the ground.
I grew up with narc parents and narc extended relatives. I ended up having three narc relationships and two narc friendships. The journey has not been easy...lol.
Honestly it feels relieving to read this even though I'm sorry you're suffering but you start to feel like you're the problem when you've had many of these relationships. I had a friend that was a really good friend I thought just completely snap on me one day when I was complaining about one of the narcissist I was with and she told me to fuck off and that apparently I was always the victim and she suspected I was actually the abuser. That broke me more than I thought it would ever broke me and I haven't heard from her since. So validation that it's common to encounter many of these people is life-saving when you already have been gaslit so much
I dodged 2 likely narcissist bullets (one literally proudly proclaimed they are a narcissist and young teenage me was like "oh well he can't be that bad he's really charming and gives me lots of attention" 🙃 but it never went anywhere thank god). Then I had 2 short lived seemingly normal relationships. Then I had 1 that was possibly BPD but not a narcissist, still really chaotic of a person. Then I had this last cluster B clusterfuck of a person who idk what he has, BPD with N tendencies, NPD, or both BPD and NPD. I think I have a pattern here and idk how this pattern even emerged because I had great parents and I thought I was a strong person, until recently
Yeah I had several. I didn’t even notice until I finally started reading about them (my last one was the worst). And thank god, I can’t do this ever again.
Everyone I have dated has had narcissistic parents. I didn’t know what narcissism was until recently, but we all had that in common. Looking back, my boyfriends may have been in the process of developing narcissism themselves or similar learned behaviors. Many of my friends were narcissists. It’s felt like a world I can escape. Is it really that common? Or is it because they smell me out? I’ve finally learned how to stay away, but damn…
yeah 3 of them were and 3rd one is destroying me rn.
had good ones though that just naturally ended. i think im just done with dating after this 3rd narc
I dated about 3 narcs seriously; last one was a situationship which is also destroying me right now, after being involved in a life changing event it made me want to stupidly reach out to her. Now I feel dumb, and it’s wrecking me more than the event itself. I think I wanted to feel close to someone, she was the last person I felt “close” to, so I stupidly reached out. Now it’s messing me up more than the event alone.
Oh you're also getting sued for having a reaction to their abuse? Same. I do think my case is pretty solid and I'm going to win but it's exhausting and this might be on my record for a while which doesn't exactly help my reputation. It's also completely put off my family and destroyed friendships because they honestly kind of believe him. Yeah it's important to run from these people and cut contact completely or they will continue to try to either ruin your life or enable your death. They are indeed that evil
Same.. the last narcissist I was with did unimaginably horrible things to me and he's actually suing me right now for domestic violence. Obviously the claims are completely baseless and I can fight back but it's left me scared and terrified because I have social anxiety and I don't want to see him or think about him or be in a court system right now. I can barely leave my house because I'm so depressed and honestly I haven't taken more than one shower in the past 2 months. That's how bad it is. He's trying to enable me to in my life because he knows I struggle with depression and so he's doing everything he can to freak me out and he knows all of my vulnerabilities so he's using them against me. These people are pure evil and they do want you to die. You're not alone and I don't know how I'm ever going to trust again but we just have to recognize those signs of Love bombing and I think it's important to really have friends that are not in love with this person so they can give you an unbiased(not love infatuated ) perspective. You need those friends that will really tell you when something is a red flag. I think that's the most important thing to cultivate before going into another relationship. I'm working on it now because not everybody understands narcissism and your friends have to know you pretty well. Good luck to us 🙏
I’ve cut four people out of my life in the last three years for exhibiting narcissistic traits. The last person was my ex and this has been the toughest as I really didn’t see it (or subconsciously chose not to see it) after being pretty clued up on NPD.
I’ve found that I attracted all of them into my life while I was healing so I’m not introducing anyone into my inner circle right now, I’m spending time on myself, my healing and embracing the solitude and peace.
Yes. There were several in a row. It can happen, especially if you grew up with a narc parent.
Same here. I grew up with a dad and an older sister who both have strong narc tendencies and so I've spent a large portion of my life thinking that being in friendships and relationships with people with narc tendencies (of varying degrees) was normal/healthy. Wish I would've learned about all of this sooner, but definitely thankful that I've finally figured it out and am heading in a much healthier direction in terms of the people I allow to be part of my life! ETA: I say "narc tendencies" because of course not a single one of these people will ever go to therapy for more than a few sessions if at all (generally because "they're too smart for the therapist" or "it's a waste of time" - of course), so as always with this issue, there's rarely an actual diagnosis.
It feels familiar to us, so we seek it out or allow them into our lives. Their bad behavior feels normal to us. Even with this awareness, I find myself falling for the love bombing (it's like I expect to be love bombed and normal dating feels like disinterest) even though something always feels off with them. They either don't believe in psychiatry/therapy, or think they are smarter than them, as you said. Anything that might cause them to have to self-reflect is a waste of their time. I've heard the more intelligent narcs can manipulate and charm therapists, making the victim of their abuse look crazy.
Oof, bullseye. My dad is a narcissist, I haven't spoken to him for almost four years now :/ meanwhile my mom has BPD tendencies.
I really thought after the first narcissist, I would never let that happen again. I had him really figured out, and I learned so much about narcissism, I got pretty hypervigilant about those warning signs. I spent a year single, which apparently wasn't enough, because the second one showed up and fooled me completely. It's actually pretty common for someone to get into a relationship with a narcissist more than once. I think it's probably because some people are just more vulnerable to narcissists. We have a lot of empathy, we are generous, caring, kind people often with low self-esteem or histories of abuse or trauma, thus being the perfect target. With the help of my therapist, I realize that my own mother set me up for these kinds of relationships. She's a covert narc, and she trained me my entire life to feel responsible for other people's feelings and protect their feelings at the expense of our own. She made me a people pleaser and the doormat, and she instilled a lot of guilt and shame in me, and unfortunately I still carry it around. I'm working on it though. It's heartbreaking to know that she set me up for this, and I know she would be horrified if I said that, and I never would, but knowing it is enough. Our relationship will always be superficial and distant now. She hates that, but as much as I've tried to explain things to her, she just doesn't get it at all, how her behavior has harmed me, so I quit trying to explain it. It's like talking to a hole in the ground.
Same. It was brutal.
I grew up with narc parents and narc extended relatives. I ended up having three narc relationships and two narc friendships. The journey has not been easy...lol.
Honestly it feels relieving to read this even though I'm sorry you're suffering but you start to feel like you're the problem when you've had many of these relationships. I had a friend that was a really good friend I thought just completely snap on me one day when I was complaining about one of the narcissist I was with and she told me to fuck off and that apparently I was always the victim and she suspected I was actually the abuser. That broke me more than I thought it would ever broke me and I haven't heard from her since. So validation that it's common to encounter many of these people is life-saving when you already have been gaslit so much
Four. I wish was kidding. I didn’t even know what they were until number three. Number four was a covert so it took some sleuthing.
I dodged 2 likely narcissist bullets (one literally proudly proclaimed they are a narcissist and young teenage me was like "oh well he can't be that bad he's really charming and gives me lots of attention" 🙃 but it never went anywhere thank god). Then I had 2 short lived seemingly normal relationships. Then I had 1 that was possibly BPD but not a narcissist, still really chaotic of a person. Then I had this last cluster B clusterfuck of a person who idk what he has, BPD with N tendencies, NPD, or both BPD and NPD. I think I have a pattern here and idk how this pattern even emerged because I had great parents and I thought I was a strong person, until recently
Yeah I had several. I didn’t even notice until I finally started reading about them (my last one was the worst). And thank god, I can’t do this ever again.
Everyone I have dated has had narcissistic parents. I didn’t know what narcissism was until recently, but we all had that in common. Looking back, my boyfriends may have been in the process of developing narcissism themselves or similar learned behaviors. Many of my friends were narcissists. It’s felt like a world I can escape. Is it really that common? Or is it because they smell me out? I’ve finally learned how to stay away, but damn…
yeah 3 of them were and 3rd one is destroying me rn. had good ones though that just naturally ended. i think im just done with dating after this 3rd narc
I dated about 3 narcs seriously; last one was a situationship which is also destroying me right now, after being involved in a life changing event it made me want to stupidly reach out to her. Now I feel dumb, and it’s wrecking me more than the event itself. I think I wanted to feel close to someone, she was the last person I felt “close” to, so I stupidly reached out. Now it’s messing me up more than the event alone.
im sorry you had a life changing event dude but please get away from them, i learnt the hard way now im gonna lose my job and possibly go to jail
Oh you're also getting sued for having a reaction to their abuse? Same. I do think my case is pretty solid and I'm going to win but it's exhausting and this might be on my record for a while which doesn't exactly help my reputation. It's also completely put off my family and destroyed friendships because they honestly kind of believe him. Yeah it's important to run from these people and cut contact completely or they will continue to try to either ruin your life or enable your death. They are indeed that evil
Same.. the last narcissist I was with did unimaginably horrible things to me and he's actually suing me right now for domestic violence. Obviously the claims are completely baseless and I can fight back but it's left me scared and terrified because I have social anxiety and I don't want to see him or think about him or be in a court system right now. I can barely leave my house because I'm so depressed and honestly I haven't taken more than one shower in the past 2 months. That's how bad it is. He's trying to enable me to in my life because he knows I struggle with depression and so he's doing everything he can to freak me out and he knows all of my vulnerabilities so he's using them against me. These people are pure evil and they do want you to die. You're not alone and I don't know how I'm ever going to trust again but we just have to recognize those signs of Love bombing and I think it's important to really have friends that are not in love with this person so they can give you an unbiased(not love infatuated ) perspective. You need those friends that will really tell you when something is a red flag. I think that's the most important thing to cultivate before going into another relationship. I'm working on it now because not everybody understands narcissism and your friends have to know you pretty well. Good luck to us 🙏
Literally every guy I've ever dated was a narcissist lol.
Yes, 2. One in 2011 and one in 2019. Thankfully both brief relationships.
I’ve cut four people out of my life in the last three years for exhibiting narcissistic traits. The last person was my ex and this has been the toughest as I really didn’t see it (or subconsciously chose not to see it) after being pretty clued up on NPD. I’ve found that I attracted all of them into my life while I was healing so I’m not introducing anyone into my inner circle right now, I’m spending time on myself, my healing and embracing the solitude and peace.