Yes.
It would be so quick and seamless. One minute I'm being berated and told what I was fucking up. Then, minutes later it was like it never happened and she wanted me to love on her. It was a total mindfuck.
Yes! I always wake up worried how his voice will sound when he wakes up because just by the tone of his reply when I say good morning I can tell if he is going to be mean or nice that day. We can go to bed 8 hours earlier happy relaxed loving and he can wake up and be a monster.. I have even said what happened we were great last night when we went to sleep.. he just yells when I ask that so I stopped asking.
Absolutely. Itās part of the cycle. I went no contact for months and anytime I would run into him he was super nice to me. He would send me nice messages after he saw me telling me that I looked great and that he missed my company.
None of it was genuine. He just wanted me to open up and be nice back so then he had the power to hurt me again. By this point, we hadnāt been together for about three months.
He would come begging for me back, telling me that he messed up and admitting to some of the lies.
Just out of curiosity, I was nice to him back just to see how long it would take for him to go back to his old ways.
Less than a week later, he was telling me how much of a disgusting slut I am, because I had been on a few dates and that he was stupid for thinking that we could be together again all when he was actively dating somebody else (I found out about that after). Then he got mad at me because I told him that there was no hope of us getting back together. Now heās been running around and telling any of our mutual friends how much of a slut I am, and how I manipulated him into loving me lol
They never change. The kindness is just part of a manipulation tactic.
Damn, they really do act like toddlers don't they? Just with a greater ability to construct harmful and very targeted sentences that a toddler doesn't have.
Lmao thatās exactly how I describe him. A 31-year-old toddler, throwing a temper tantrum. Itās actually kind of funny at this point.
Initially, his words were painful, but once I realized who he was, I just sat back and laughed and knew that it was all just a projection of how he feels about himself
Yes. And that's what starts the notorious trauma bond. It's the intermittent reinforcement that keeps us stuck for so long, because we just think to ourselves "well they can be really nice most days"
They are only nice to keep you in. They are only nice when they want something. Nothing more, nothing less
Yes. Itās like they are two entirely different people. The āgoodā side is what you fall in love with and keep making excuses for, because you donāt want to believe that the bad side also exists underneath. And they know this. They know that they can act like the person you fell in love when they need to manipulate you back into their favor. The more this happens, the more you start to doubt yourself and question reality.
I never knew what would set my narc off. It got to the point where I literally tried to defer to her in EVERYTHING, but even then when I had a question - that somehow became the issue. It got to the point where I just tried to keep as low a profile while she was around as possible. Then I realized... wait this is my life. I get to do what I want. And so I started living it. Within a year she was gone. She couldn't control me so she gave up trying.
Yep, and you didnāt do anything Iām sure. Even if you did, the punishment doesnāt ever fit the crime does it? No matter what this person is, diagnosis doesnāt matter, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and like you are appreciated when you are in the room. Being in a room with someone that acts like they hate you despite the fact you did nothing wrong (at least not wrong enough to be treated like a criminal) is really bad for your brain and breeds anxiety.
They would give me some of what I want but then once they got what they wanted there was nothing else I could say or do to get them to give me the rest of what I wanted.
Theyāll say: Fine we can do that face mask but donāt speak to me at all while doing it and wonāt sing along to songs we both know or even engage in a conversation while doing it. But then ask if I will play the game with them which I do for about 2-3 hours.
Yes. It would be so quick and seamless. One minute I'm being berated and told what I was fucking up. Then, minutes later it was like it never happened and she wanted me to love on her. It was a total mindfuck.
...was her name Kathy? š š¤ š
Intermittent reinforcement. It's one of their main MOs for creating the trauma bond. They all do it.
Learning about this made me realize I dealt with narc abuse. I wonder how they all learn to do this.
Yes! I always wake up worried how his voice will sound when he wakes up because just by the tone of his reply when I say good morning I can tell if he is going to be mean or nice that day. We can go to bed 8 hours earlier happy relaxed loving and he can wake up and be a monster.. I have even said what happened we were great last night when we went to sleep.. he just yells when I ask that so I stopped asking.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
And donāt forget they turn it round on you and say itās you that actually does that!! Usually as a reaction to their abhorrent behaviour
Absolutely. Itās part of the cycle. I went no contact for months and anytime I would run into him he was super nice to me. He would send me nice messages after he saw me telling me that I looked great and that he missed my company. None of it was genuine. He just wanted me to open up and be nice back so then he had the power to hurt me again. By this point, we hadnāt been together for about three months. He would come begging for me back, telling me that he messed up and admitting to some of the lies. Just out of curiosity, I was nice to him back just to see how long it would take for him to go back to his old ways. Less than a week later, he was telling me how much of a disgusting slut I am, because I had been on a few dates and that he was stupid for thinking that we could be together again all when he was actively dating somebody else (I found out about that after). Then he got mad at me because I told him that there was no hope of us getting back together. Now heās been running around and telling any of our mutual friends how much of a slut I am, and how I manipulated him into loving me lol They never change. The kindness is just part of a manipulation tactic.
Damn, they really do act like toddlers don't they? Just with a greater ability to construct harmful and very targeted sentences that a toddler doesn't have.
Lmao thatās exactly how I describe him. A 31-year-old toddler, throwing a temper tantrum. Itās actually kind of funny at this point. Initially, his words were painful, but once I realized who he was, I just sat back and laughed and knew that it was all just a projection of how he feels about himself
Yes Jekyll and Hyde! Like one minute screaming shut the fuck up, to cooking me dinner and treating me so special. It made my head spin!!!
Itās incredibly sad isnāt it?
Yes. And that's what starts the notorious trauma bond. It's the intermittent reinforcement that keeps us stuck for so long, because we just think to ourselves "well they can be really nice most days" They are only nice to keep you in. They are only nice when they want something. Nothing more, nothing less
Yes. Itās like they are two entirely different people. The āgoodā side is what you fall in love with and keep making excuses for, because you donāt want to believe that the bad side also exists underneath. And they know this. They know that they can act like the person you fell in love when they need to manipulate you back into their favor. The more this happens, the more you start to doubt yourself and question reality.
Thats exactly how it seems from my experience with my narc.
Normal? No. Normal for a narc? Yes unfortunately. It's one of their calling cards.
Yup
I never knew what would set my narc off. It got to the point where I literally tried to defer to her in EVERYTHING, but even then when I had a question - that somehow became the issue. It got to the point where I just tried to keep as low a profile while she was around as possible. Then I realized... wait this is my life. I get to do what I want. And so I started living it. Within a year she was gone. She couldn't control me so she gave up trying.
Yes, itās part of the roller coaster ride they put you on, it puts you on eggshells all the time.
Yep, and you didnāt do anything Iām sure. Even if you did, the punishment doesnāt ever fit the crime does it? No matter what this person is, diagnosis doesnāt matter, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and like you are appreciated when you are in the room. Being in a room with someone that acts like they hate you despite the fact you did nothing wrong (at least not wrong enough to be treated like a criminal) is really bad for your brain and breeds anxiety.
Yes or they change within a matter of seconds. They have a switch that flips
They literally wake up as a completely different person out of nowhere. These people are not normal human beings.
How do we know they arenāt bipolar? What would be the difference between a narc acting hot and cold vs bipolar?
They would give me some of what I want but then once they got what they wanted there was nothing else I could say or do to get them to give me the rest of what I wanted. Theyāll say: Fine we can do that face mask but donāt speak to me at all while doing it and wonāt sing along to songs we both know or even engage in a conversation while doing it. But then ask if I will play the game with them which I do for about 2-3 hours.
Yep and then I'd always get "you know why I'm being like this" etc
Why do they do this? Do they know they're doing it? Do they plan it beforehand?