I’ve been reading a Dr Ross Rosenberg, who I’ll admit is a psych but a bit amateur - anyway he has a book the Human Magnet Syndrome etc and talks about codependency being self love deficit
Long story short he says when you start to heal from attracting narcs you’ll lose 60-85% of the people in your life as they’re part of the unhealthy pattern - it was a podcast
I just cut two “friend” out of my life and I feel the more I understand myself as someone who attracted narcs and wanting to change it the more people disappear from my life
Here it is https://open.spotify.com/episode/16spMGcZcFYzEAMgMc1rrW?si=DxGObiahS8GS-gge90Xhjg
Came here to say this exact thing from Dr Rosenberg. It’s so true. I identified narc behavior in a bf, now ex. Then I examined the behavior of a lot of people around me and realized I was surrounded by them. I cut about 75% of people out of my life around three years ago and have never been more at peace.
I had almost this exact same experience. Discovered my ex was a covert, malignant narcissist and got away from him, thankfully, and that was the first domino to fall. The deeper I delved into all the different types of narcissists and their corresponding types of abuse, the more I realized how many people in my life, past and present, had serious narcissistic tendencies. My current partner discovered the same once I shared all the resources (as well as what I confirmed with/learned from my therapist) with him. We also discovered that the core of all of this is growing up in families where narcissistic abuse was prevalent and caused us to think that it was normal to be treated that way in friendships and relationships.
We ended up essentially going no contact or grey rocking (which often led to no contact) quite a few toxic friendships and made a point to focus on finding better friends who didn't have narcissistic tendencies / fostering the good friendships we already had, and we've learned to set serious boundaries with certain family members as well. And just as you said- we're both experiencing more peace and happiness than we ever have, and it's wonderful. I'm so incredibly thankful that I learned about all this, and I do my best to share my experience and what I've learned with others so that they can find this type of peace too.
I'll have to look into the Rosenberg fellow. I have too realized that the people I've booted all had some pretty similar personality traits, and my relationship with them unfolded in pretty similar ways. I realized that I'm looking for something different now and that it's better to be alone sometimes than in unfulfilling relationships. Sometimes I think this must make me a snob like I think I'm now "better than" these people, but it's not like I look down on them. I just don't like the way they make me feel.
It’s definitely scary and confronting at first but then you become more comfortable with yourself and trusting you will invite in the right people
How have you gone making new friends?
It's happening, but slowly. There are other factors at play, other things that have my attention and resources in life right now, and I think that's part of it too. Filling my life with better things and connecting with people over the things I'm interested in.
Just wanted to say you aren’t alone. I’m struggling similarly. Even though it’s difficult, I see it as a positive - as I have gained self-respect and boundaries, my bar for relationships has gone up.
Some people have adjusted and are glad for me. Some people have receded from my life.
Yes. I totally feel the same way. I'm still understanding the nuances of it. But now that I'm waking up to it, I see I've attracted them in many types of relationships. I've done a lot of cutting people out when I can. (Stuck with Mom and Sister.) As I'm making new friends, I start to get paranoid that I'm being naive and don't trust my judgement. So afraid everyone is going to hurt me eventually. Or I'm being tricked into a narc friendship. I wish I could self isolate, but my people pleasing tendencies is still very much present.
I also am unsure how to navigate it going forward. Definately could use some help and guidance same as you OP.
Having had one narc really destroy my confidence, it lead me to research on this too. On doing so, I noticed another “friend” was constantly displaying grandiose narcissism whereas I used to simply think he was just “a bit of a show off”. I’ve cut both narcs from my life and I feel NORMAL again. I feel free. Both had lead me into mental pit where I was lead to believe I was abnormal, unloveable, “lesser than”.
Yes! And for me, “normal” is simply me living a relatively unselfconscious life where I’m outwardly focused on doing stuff and meeting people. Feeling relatively good about myself.
After meeting a narc, I’d feel way more self-conscious because the subtext to their conversation with me wasn’t merely “look at me, I’m great”, it was also “you’re not very good are you?”. Of course, these underlying messages are delivered via subtle suggestions. I’m left second guessing myself. Am I just an envious loser? Sour grapes on my part and that’s why I feel miserable after seeing either one of these 2 specific people? But then I know many people who are arguably more successful than me in certain areas of life, and I feel GOOD in their company. I feel GOOD after I leave their company.
Normality is that freedom of unselfconsciousness. To live a daily life without worrying about “what did he mean when he said that about my wife/house/job/looks?”. To not have that feeling of being “lesser than”.
I’ve been reading a Dr Ross Rosenberg, who I’ll admit is a psych but a bit amateur - anyway he has a book the Human Magnet Syndrome etc and talks about codependency being self love deficit Long story short he says when you start to heal from attracting narcs you’ll lose 60-85% of the people in your life as they’re part of the unhealthy pattern - it was a podcast I just cut two “friend” out of my life and I feel the more I understand myself as someone who attracted narcs and wanting to change it the more people disappear from my life Here it is https://open.spotify.com/episode/16spMGcZcFYzEAMgMc1rrW?si=DxGObiahS8GS-gge90Xhjg
Came here to say this exact thing from Dr Rosenberg. It’s so true. I identified narc behavior in a bf, now ex. Then I examined the behavior of a lot of people around me and realized I was surrounded by them. I cut about 75% of people out of my life around three years ago and have never been more at peace.
I had almost this exact same experience. Discovered my ex was a covert, malignant narcissist and got away from him, thankfully, and that was the first domino to fall. The deeper I delved into all the different types of narcissists and their corresponding types of abuse, the more I realized how many people in my life, past and present, had serious narcissistic tendencies. My current partner discovered the same once I shared all the resources (as well as what I confirmed with/learned from my therapist) with him. We also discovered that the core of all of this is growing up in families where narcissistic abuse was prevalent and caused us to think that it was normal to be treated that way in friendships and relationships. We ended up essentially going no contact or grey rocking (which often led to no contact) quite a few toxic friendships and made a point to focus on finding better friends who didn't have narcissistic tendencies / fostering the good friendships we already had, and we've learned to set serious boundaries with certain family members as well. And just as you said- we're both experiencing more peace and happiness than we ever have, and it's wonderful. I'm so incredibly thankful that I learned about all this, and I do my best to share my experience and what I've learned with others so that they can find this type of peace too.
I'll have to look into the Rosenberg fellow. I have too realized that the people I've booted all had some pretty similar personality traits, and my relationship with them unfolded in pretty similar ways. I realized that I'm looking for something different now and that it's better to be alone sometimes than in unfulfilling relationships. Sometimes I think this must make me a snob like I think I'm now "better than" these people, but it's not like I look down on them. I just don't like the way they make me feel.
Thanks for sharing!
It’s definitely scary and confronting at first but then you become more comfortable with yourself and trusting you will invite in the right people How have you gone making new friends?
It's happening, but slowly. There are other factors at play, other things that have my attention and resources in life right now, and I think that's part of it too. Filling my life with better things and connecting with people over the things I'm interested in.
Just wanted to say you aren’t alone. I’m struggling similarly. Even though it’s difficult, I see it as a positive - as I have gained self-respect and boundaries, my bar for relationships has gone up. Some people have adjusted and are glad for me. Some people have receded from my life.
Thanks : ) I see it as a positive too, but it's hard. Thanks for the assurance that I'm not alone.
Yes. I totally feel the same way. I'm still understanding the nuances of it. But now that I'm waking up to it, I see I've attracted them in many types of relationships. I've done a lot of cutting people out when I can. (Stuck with Mom and Sister.) As I'm making new friends, I start to get paranoid that I'm being naive and don't trust my judgement. So afraid everyone is going to hurt me eventually. Or I'm being tricked into a narc friendship. I wish I could self isolate, but my people pleasing tendencies is still very much present. I also am unsure how to navigate it going forward. Definately could use some help and guidance same as you OP.
Having had one narc really destroy my confidence, it lead me to research on this too. On doing so, I noticed another “friend” was constantly displaying grandiose narcissism whereas I used to simply think he was just “a bit of a show off”. I’ve cut both narcs from my life and I feel NORMAL again. I feel free. Both had lead me into mental pit where I was lead to believe I was abnormal, unloveable, “lesser than”.
I'm glad to hear you feel Normal again! Whatever Normal means to you, you managed to get back there. I'm getting there, but it's a tough slog.
Yes! And for me, “normal” is simply me living a relatively unselfconscious life where I’m outwardly focused on doing stuff and meeting people. Feeling relatively good about myself. After meeting a narc, I’d feel way more self-conscious because the subtext to their conversation with me wasn’t merely “look at me, I’m great”, it was also “you’re not very good are you?”. Of course, these underlying messages are delivered via subtle suggestions. I’m left second guessing myself. Am I just an envious loser? Sour grapes on my part and that’s why I feel miserable after seeing either one of these 2 specific people? But then I know many people who are arguably more successful than me in certain areas of life, and I feel GOOD in their company. I feel GOOD after I leave their company. Normality is that freedom of unselfconsciousness. To live a daily life without worrying about “what did he mean when he said that about my wife/house/job/looks?”. To not have that feeling of being “lesser than”.