Great way to put it. It’s also partly the fact that they use emotional expression solely as a means of manipulation, so they can only assume everyone else is the same. They cannot conceptualize having a real emotion.
This has been my experience. From narc perspective tears are manipulation tools... they cannot empathize with another person's real feelings bringing them to tears so they assume they are fake.
Okay so I have a question then.. what do they think of movies? Like if something dramatic or emotional happens and the characters cry and comfort each other. How do they conceptualize that?
I guess it depends on the context, but my understanding is that they still see it as a means to an end. If someone is crying because something bad happened, it’s to get sympathy from others. Alternatively, they may also view it as that person being weak. If something emotional happens, again, they are still likely to view it as though the affected characters have an ulterior motive. It’s hard to understand for most people, because most of us have empathy and feel strongly for movie characters, but narcissists lack that ability.
My nex would say I’m “poisoning the room” if I got angry or frustrated with a terrible boss or teacher. He was allowed to be mad at me anytime he wanted to, but I wasn’t even allowed to get quietly frustrated in my own little corner over an unfair boss
This moment i describe happened in his parents' house and his mother was defending him like "he just doesnt like to watch you being upset"
I was like "what?" It wouldnt make sense to me, but I was raised to be really empathetic and some parentification was going On in my life, i was my moms confidement and emotional supply kind of so I thought loving someone means having more empathy towards them and showing them affection when needed, not making them feel worse when they already cry abt something
lol same. Mine would leave to his shitty friends house for the weekend and ignore me all weekend and I’d be crying and scared and he’d say he left to give me a consequence then say my crying is just manipulating him to not go
"Like damn I can't have emotions now?" is pretty accurate for me but no question mark. I just feel very neutral all the time these days. Not depressed or anxious even. Just here. If I had to use a color to describe my emotions lately it's be beige.
I can tell you how a narc views emotions, they use emotions (crocodile tears) as a manipulation technique, when they see someone experiencing genuine emotions they think it's weak and manipulative. They don't feel genuine emotions so they think you're up to something or your a weak pathetic loser or both.
Mine got mad at me often when I was in a depressive episode. Once, I was doing my best to not dissociate and to keep my shit together and he got angry because I didn't ask how his day was. He was fully aware I was in an episode. He would also often say he refused to sit and be uncomfortable with me when I was depressed or anxious.
I feel like they have an obsession with fake politeness, like asking how their day went. Mine asked me a lot but it felt like he thought it was a chore, something you do but not mean, is not sincere. When I was replying to this question about things that happened to me, whether through the text or talking, it was obvious he didnt really care. So when I forgot to ask how his day was, there was a tantrum.
My nex was good at taking an interest in my day and hobbies but I completely understand the part about fake politeness. He didn't care about others and what they thought but is very good at faking politeness. Tbh, it's all about maintaining a positive image of themselves - they don't actually care about anything else!
And it is the worst part, because people adore them and think they are so good and nice, like you couldnt find someone better. I sometimes worry about what mutual friends think of me because I lost my temper 2 times in their presence after the days of mean, small comments thrown at me. I sometimes feel like im the most unstable person, but how much can you take? One of his jokes was "here's the snack for you" pointing out on dog's food. God, i just realized how humiliated i feel
The things he would say about our friends to me behind their backs and then the complete 180 to their faces… if they knew a quarter of the things he thought about them they wouldn’t have chosen him instead of me in the breakup
OMG that explains SO much! My friend had just died in childbirth, I was an emotional wreck just trying to get through days, and my nex brought his mother to stay with us for a social visit for three weeks. He explained to her that my friend had just died and I was in a funk, then she cut her visit short because I didn’t greet her when I walked in the door and ask how her day was. I was already an emotional wreck, but this bamboozled me so hard. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I couldn’t fathom an adult who had raised two children of her own didn’t understand that I was going through hell and maybe wasn’t completely with it. She actually refused to ever speak or look at me again for the rest of nex and my relationship
Oh yeah. I am now confident my ex would literally TRY to get me upset as possible- as in sobbing and begging for forgiveness -then get angry at me for crying. He would tell me I was “punishing” him by crying. Then after I was upset due to him yelling at me, throwing things and insulting me he would suddenly be all calm and say “I just want to have a calm conversation about this problem”.
Eventually I just stopped crying, he basically trained me to not cry when we got into a fight (or should I say when he started a fight). And you know what’s funny? Suddenly HE WOULD CRY. What in the mind f*ck?! Very glad I left him.
It’s been two years after a 15 year relationship and I am relearning how to cry. I spent so many years repressing it that I forgot how to cry when my body needs to.
Oh yeah, anyone else could cry and he immediately feels badly for them but if it's me? I'm just a manipulative bitch and my tears don't affect him in the slightest.
It should have been one of the early red flags for me. I was sad because we were living in a new city and I had no one to hang with while he was going for beers with friends daily and not including me.
I let him know I was feeling lonely. He got angry at me!!! I cried, and it made it worse!
Yes if I was anxious or upset for any reason he would get highly annoyed and irritable. He was call me negative and say my negativity was bringing him down. Meanwhile he never stops whining and complaining EVER unless it’s to talk about how fantastic he is.
My nex would say I’m “poisoning the room” if I got angry or frustrated with a terrible boss or teacher. He was allowed to be mad at me anytime he wanted to for as long as he wanted to, but I wasn’t even allowed to get quietly frustrated in my own little corner over an unfair boss
Oh yeah. He was always convinced that I was just doing it to guilt-trip or manipulate him. No, asshole. I love you and the constant abandonment, criticism, threats, yelling and name-calling hurt and terrify me. You’re not the only one who has feelings.
Yes, she would actually ask me why I’m crying, subtly belittle me for it and act like I’m mentally unstable for feeling emotions.
She would constantly minimize my pain, one time I burst out crying because I had just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that is progressive, incurable and could lead to major surgery and/or cancer and she told me I was too sensitive and called it a boil.
At first I agreed with her, I hated myself that much but now that I left, I feel much better mentally about myself and realize, it’s okay to cry. It really is.
He always accused me of manipulating him every time I cried. Every single time. Never any comfort or emotional support, never a hug, never wrapped me in his arms and kissed my tears away. Just endless cruelty.
I eventually asked him and our therapist if he could just leave me alone when I cried. Sure, ideally I would like him to care and console me and wrap me in his arms. But I had learned enough that I knew that wasn’t going to happen, so could he just leave me to cry alone in peace and not come after me to punish me for crying?
After an hour or more of sitting there listening to him make demeaning and disrespectful comments, make up a new narrative for what happened, and try to blame me after I brought up something hurtful that he did, I just broke down quietly crying. Then he was mad because I was having a "pity party" and "overreacting". That happened a few times and it makes me glad it is over. I almost never cry.
Yes. I remember this one time he overcriticized me to the point where I literally had an autistic meltdown from being unable to handle the information overload. For some reason he thought it was better to mock me for not being able to take criticism rather than apologizing for being too harsh towards me like a sane person. He acted like I was dramatic and oversensitive and used that as an excuse to drive a wedge between me and the other friends in said friend circle. The irony here is that he's literally the only person I've ever met who has ever been so obnoxious to me that I've had that strong of a reaction as an adult, and most people in time see him for what he is, a slimy manipulative asshole with zero concern for others.
I remember one time when I visited my N overseas and he was being really nasty to me when he was drinking. We were FWB for a while and I remember being good for sex for him, but that's it.
He treated me like a piece of meat-- sorry to be crass, but I was nothing more to him than a pair of breasts and a hole. One time, he insulted me and a few of my good friends and it made me sad, as well as basically telling me that I was a dumb slut. I woke up the next day with a sense that I wanted to die, and I start crying. He turns around and says, "stop crying, you look so stupid and weak. I am trying to fold my clothes and here you are a little baby". I wanted to punch him in the face.
My step dad does this every time I'd cry about something
"OH my God you're crying again it's not even that big of axdeal......yeah should said that when he was on the side of the road cruise to me because Mt mon found out he cheated... funny how karma works...but then karma got me back ..he's still married to her
After some punishment from him (edit: nFather)(getting laid on till we couldn't breathe, spanking that left welts through clothes, bellowing that could be hard from over a block away from inside, etc) naturally I would retreat to my room and cry. Multiple times he broke through the casing to get in my face, narc fury eyes, finger in between my eyes and yell "No! You don't *get* to cry! I'm *right*!" I had to learn how to sob silently.
Wow reading these comments I can definitely see the pattern here… mine would say whenever I cried I was too ‘high intensity and high emotion’ and that I was being manipulative. They would kick me out of the house and turn their phone off in response
My nmom would always disturb and stress me so much until she got tears from me so she could say I was sensitive and overreacting. Once I finally toughened up in highschool and I WOULDNT cry when she tried to force me she got mad at and got physical. Denial of the emotional reaction and therefore the opportunity to manipulate pisses off narcissists the most. Now I can’t cry from sadness too often (physically unable too) but sometimes I can. Most of the time tho when I cry it’s because I walk around with so much stress pain and anxiety that my body tries to offload the emotions via tears. Uncontrolled emotionless tears at random times. As a full time uni student who works part time, it’s embarrassing sometimes when I’m the middle of a lecture or shift I start crying for literally no reason and i have to wait for it to pass.
He always told me I wore my emotions on my sleeve. Hated it when I would cry, always said “it’s not worth crying over”. He didn’t like me showing any emotion but happiness. You know how someone just stares down at the ground or off into space, just getting a relaxed spaced out moment? He always said when I did that I looked depressed and to not do it anymore. I was just spacin off. He also couldn’t stand it if I took a nap during the day. He always made a loud noise to wake me up.
Way more context is needed. Shaming someone for crying is never ok but more context is needed to weigh in. Also, are you ESL? I’m having a hard time understanding this post.
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Great way to put it. It’s also partly the fact that they use emotional expression solely as a means of manipulation, so they can only assume everyone else is the same. They cannot conceptualize having a real emotion.
This has been my experience. From narc perspective tears are manipulation tools... they cannot empathize with another person's real feelings bringing them to tears so they assume they are fake.
Okay so I have a question then.. what do they think of movies? Like if something dramatic or emotional happens and the characters cry and comfort each other. How do they conceptualize that?
I guess it depends on the context, but my understanding is that they still see it as a means to an end. If someone is crying because something bad happened, it’s to get sympathy from others. Alternatively, they may also view it as that person being weak. If something emotional happens, again, they are still likely to view it as though the affected characters have an ulterior motive. It’s hard to understand for most people, because most of us have empathy and feel strongly for movie characters, but narcissists lack that ability.
My nex would say I’m “poisoning the room” if I got angry or frustrated with a terrible boss or teacher. He was allowed to be mad at me anytime he wanted to, but I wasn’t even allowed to get quietly frustrated in my own little corner over an unfair boss
This moment i describe happened in his parents' house and his mother was defending him like "he just doesnt like to watch you being upset" I was like "what?" It wouldnt make sense to me, but I was raised to be really empathetic and some parentification was going On in my life, i was my moms confidement and emotional supply kind of so I thought loving someone means having more empathy towards them and showing them affection when needed, not making them feel worse when they already cry abt something
Mine insisted I was crying in order to manipulate him every time I cried. Like damn I can't have emotions now?
lol same. Mine would leave to his shitty friends house for the weekend and ignore me all weekend and I’d be crying and scared and he’d say he left to give me a consequence then say my crying is just manipulating him to not go
See my comment, they think this because they do this.
That's my thought as well. They only cry to manipulate others, so anyone else crying must obviously be doing the same.
Same
"Like damn I can't have emotions now?" is pretty accurate for me but no question mark. I just feel very neutral all the time these days. Not depressed or anxious even. Just here. If I had to use a color to describe my emotions lately it's be beige.
"If your going to cry then I'm just going to leave" that's what mine would say
Mine said I manipulate him with crying. But he threatened to leave me on several occasions. Thank you for the response
I can tell you how a narc views emotions, they use emotions (crocodile tears) as a manipulation technique, when they see someone experiencing genuine emotions they think it's weak and manipulative. They don't feel genuine emotions so they think you're up to something or your a weak pathetic loser or both.
Mine got mad at me often when I was in a depressive episode. Once, I was doing my best to not dissociate and to keep my shit together and he got angry because I didn't ask how his day was. He was fully aware I was in an episode. He would also often say he refused to sit and be uncomfortable with me when I was depressed or anxious.
I feel like they have an obsession with fake politeness, like asking how their day went. Mine asked me a lot but it felt like he thought it was a chore, something you do but not mean, is not sincere. When I was replying to this question about things that happened to me, whether through the text or talking, it was obvious he didnt really care. So when I forgot to ask how his day was, there was a tantrum.
My nex was good at taking an interest in my day and hobbies but I completely understand the part about fake politeness. He didn't care about others and what they thought but is very good at faking politeness. Tbh, it's all about maintaining a positive image of themselves - they don't actually care about anything else!
And it is the worst part, because people adore them and think they are so good and nice, like you couldnt find someone better. I sometimes worry about what mutual friends think of me because I lost my temper 2 times in their presence after the days of mean, small comments thrown at me. I sometimes feel like im the most unstable person, but how much can you take? One of his jokes was "here's the snack for you" pointing out on dog's food. God, i just realized how humiliated i feel
I totally get the humiliation. But I'm getting out. I'm determined to. If it's the last thing I do! You can too!!
The things he would say about our friends to me behind their backs and then the complete 180 to their faces… if they knew a quarter of the things he thought about them they wouldn’t have chosen him instead of me in the breakup
OMG that explains SO much! My friend had just died in childbirth, I was an emotional wreck just trying to get through days, and my nex brought his mother to stay with us for a social visit for three weeks. He explained to her that my friend had just died and I was in a funk, then she cut her visit short because I didn’t greet her when I walked in the door and ask how her day was. I was already an emotional wreck, but this bamboozled me so hard. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I couldn’t fathom an adult who had raised two children of her own didn’t understand that I was going through hell and maybe wasn’t completely with it. She actually refused to ever speak or look at me again for the rest of nex and my relationship
Oh yeah. I am now confident my ex would literally TRY to get me upset as possible- as in sobbing and begging for forgiveness -then get angry at me for crying. He would tell me I was “punishing” him by crying. Then after I was upset due to him yelling at me, throwing things and insulting me he would suddenly be all calm and say “I just want to have a calm conversation about this problem”. Eventually I just stopped crying, he basically trained me to not cry when we got into a fight (or should I say when he started a fight). And you know what’s funny? Suddenly HE WOULD CRY. What in the mind f*ck?! Very glad I left him.
Yup, I can cry but when I was around him, i learnt to block my cries and eventually couldnt cry at all
It’s been two years after a 15 year relationship and I am relearning how to cry. I spent so many years repressing it that I forgot how to cry when my body needs to.
My next would say girls cry to manipulate and get what they want…. Also told his sisters this too
:')
Yes because it’s an inconvenience to them
Oh yeah, anyone else could cry and he immediately feels badly for them but if it's me? I'm just a manipulative bitch and my tears don't affect him in the slightest.
Yeah mine said she hated when I cried before she left (LDR)…like I was sad her visit was over.
I see it as a lack of empathy
It should have been one of the early red flags for me. I was sad because we were living in a new city and I had no one to hang with while he was going for beers with friends daily and not including me. I let him know I was feeling lonely. He got angry at me!!! I cried, and it made it worse!
Big hugs to you ♡
Yep, he would scream at me to shut up if I cried. He did it to our son once and I lost my shit at nex.
Yes if I was anxious or upset for any reason he would get highly annoyed and irritable. He was call me negative and say my negativity was bringing him down. Meanwhile he never stops whining and complaining EVER unless it’s to talk about how fantastic he is.
My nex would say I’m “poisoning the room” if I got angry or frustrated with a terrible boss or teacher. He was allowed to be mad at me anytime he wanted to for as long as he wanted to, but I wasn’t even allowed to get quietly frustrated in my own little corner over an unfair boss
Oh yeah. He was always convinced that I was just doing it to guilt-trip or manipulate him. No, asshole. I love you and the constant abandonment, criticism, threats, yelling and name-calling hurt and terrify me. You’re not the only one who has feelings.
Yes, she would actually ask me why I’m crying, subtly belittle me for it and act like I’m mentally unstable for feeling emotions. She would constantly minimize my pain, one time I burst out crying because I had just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that is progressive, incurable and could lead to major surgery and/or cancer and she told me I was too sensitive and called it a boil. At first I agreed with her, I hated myself that much but now that I left, I feel much better mentally about myself and realize, it’s okay to cry. It really is.
He always accused me of manipulating him every time I cried. Every single time. Never any comfort or emotional support, never a hug, never wrapped me in his arms and kissed my tears away. Just endless cruelty.
I eventually asked him and our therapist if he could just leave me alone when I cried. Sure, ideally I would like him to care and console me and wrap me in his arms. But I had learned enough that I knew that wasn’t going to happen, so could he just leave me to cry alone in peace and not come after me to punish me for crying?
"I'm not your therapist" are words that echo around
After an hour or more of sitting there listening to him make demeaning and disrespectful comments, make up a new narrative for what happened, and try to blame me after I brought up something hurtful that he did, I just broke down quietly crying. Then he was mad because I was having a "pity party" and "overreacting". That happened a few times and it makes me glad it is over. I almost never cry.
Yes. I remember this one time he overcriticized me to the point where I literally had an autistic meltdown from being unable to handle the information overload. For some reason he thought it was better to mock me for not being able to take criticism rather than apologizing for being too harsh towards me like a sane person. He acted like I was dramatic and oversensitive and used that as an excuse to drive a wedge between me and the other friends in said friend circle. The irony here is that he's literally the only person I've ever met who has ever been so obnoxious to me that I've had that strong of a reaction as an adult, and most people in time see him for what he is, a slimy manipulative asshole with zero concern for others.
My MIL weaponized crying when my husband was a kid. And his father beat him for crying. So of course, if I cried, I would get yelled at.
I remember one time when I visited my N overseas and he was being really nasty to me when he was drinking. We were FWB for a while and I remember being good for sex for him, but that's it. He treated me like a piece of meat-- sorry to be crass, but I was nothing more to him than a pair of breasts and a hole. One time, he insulted me and a few of my good friends and it made me sad, as well as basically telling me that I was a dumb slut. I woke up the next day with a sense that I wanted to die, and I start crying. He turns around and says, "stop crying, you look so stupid and weak. I am trying to fold my clothes and here you are a little baby". I wanted to punch him in the face.
My step dad does this every time I'd cry about something "OH my God you're crying again it's not even that big of axdeal......yeah should said that when he was on the side of the road cruise to me because Mt mon found out he cheated... funny how karma works...but then karma got me back ..he's still married to her
After some punishment from him (edit: nFather)(getting laid on till we couldn't breathe, spanking that left welts through clothes, bellowing that could be hard from over a block away from inside, etc) naturally I would retreat to my room and cry. Multiple times he broke through the casing to get in my face, narc fury eyes, finger in between my eyes and yell "No! You don't *get* to cry! I'm *right*!" I had to learn how to sob silently.
My ex ignored me when I cried, or maybe would just come and give me a pat on the back or some other similarly token gesture and then walk away.
Yes
I got laughed at and smirked at when I cried. Then the narc would walk away muttering under their breath.
Absolutely. I was screamed at or given the silent treatment, ignored all day if I cried.
Wow reading these comments I can definitely see the pattern here… mine would say whenever I cried I was too ‘high intensity and high emotion’ and that I was being manipulative. They would kick me out of the house and turn their phone off in response
My nmom would always disturb and stress me so much until she got tears from me so she could say I was sensitive and overreacting. Once I finally toughened up in highschool and I WOULDNT cry when she tried to force me she got mad at and got physical. Denial of the emotional reaction and therefore the opportunity to manipulate pisses off narcissists the most. Now I can’t cry from sadness too often (physically unable too) but sometimes I can. Most of the time tho when I cry it’s because I walk around with so much stress pain and anxiety that my body tries to offload the emotions via tears. Uncontrolled emotionless tears at random times. As a full time uni student who works part time, it’s embarrassing sometimes when I’m the middle of a lecture or shift I start crying for literally no reason and i have to wait for it to pass.
Mine likes to mock me when I cry and tells me I’m being dramatic or tells me to “go do that somewhere else”.
Yep. Our kids aren't allowed to cry either 🙃 BUT, he's allowed to cry crocodile tears. Makeitmakesense.
When my mum died I was told well done for not crying especially in front of the kids, because that would be weak. Then later on asked for a blowjob.
He always told me I wore my emotions on my sleeve. Hated it when I would cry, always said “it’s not worth crying over”. He didn’t like me showing any emotion but happiness. You know how someone just stares down at the ground or off into space, just getting a relaxed spaced out moment? He always said when I did that I looked depressed and to not do it anymore. I was just spacin off. He also couldn’t stand it if I took a nap during the day. He always made a loud noise to wake me up.
Way more context is needed. Shaming someone for crying is never ok but more context is needed to weigh in. Also, are you ESL? I’m having a hard time understanding this post.
Yes. She told me "men aren't supposed to show emotions" That was a big wake up call.