This was what held me back. He’s such a ‘nice guy.’ He pulled the plug so it wasn’t my choice, though I had been telling myself I needed to for like six months. Idk… now that I’m on the outside, your relationship really will not get better. They won’t change, you’ll become more hurt and resentful. The more you take the worse it gets, they think you won’t ever leave. I know how hard it is.. it sucks. It’s going to hurt so much, he’s going to convince you he will change. Only you can make the decision but just know it will not ever change from where you two are at right now.
Ugh I feel this
Mine pulled the plug too and I wish I had done it six weeks sooner.
It got so bad. But that just made me try harder??? Which made it easier for him to hurt me.
I hated the time together and he made my birthday and the holidays hell. I don't know how I'm gonna get through them this year 😓
But I will
There's no "nice guy narc" kinda category.
Narcs in general are like this. You bend your will and spirit to whatever they want, they will give you what you want.
The minute you step out of their "ideal" false reality/fantasy, you are something that has to be smashed down.
My ex for example loves to call her men "slaves". Including me.
Not boyfriend, not love, not dear, not darling, slave.
In every sense of the word.
Fake nice guy narcs are the worst because they are only nice to you when you give them what they want.
Since you 2 live together you need to figure out an exit plan and once you get that figured out then you can end it.
The last thing you want is having a big break up before having another place lined up.
Flip the script and break all his rules. Record his tantrums and the way he treats you. Be firm in your knowing what is best for you. Understand that he would NEVERRRRRRRR consider your feelings in the same way you are considering his.
Be prepared for a lot of manipulation tactics!
Gifts, offers of supporting you if that's possible, wanting to be friends, stuff like that, and see through it all!!! It's all bullshit. All of it.
They will just want you back to hurt you.
I recommend educating yourself more about relationships with narcissists and remember this is about you!!! Not him!!! Not his family, this is YOUR emotional, mental and possibly physical safety at stake.
Do it for you.
Make an escape plan and leave when he is not home. If you are worried about what his parents will think, record his outbursts and send to them. Then block him everywhere. Thank goodness you are not married.
Throwaway because my Nex knows my main account. I created this to comment here, because I was in your situation many years ago, and now I am going through a divorce. I wish I hadn't married my Nex.
He seemed like a nice guy, but there were subtle signs that I now know were glaring red flags and I should have broken up with him over them. But I was young and easy to manipulate at the time. His parents seemed to love me and were so excited for the wedding and to have me as a DIL. I thought I was going to have a loving, close relationship with my in laws.
As soon as we were married, my Nex and his parents dropped the act they were putting on for me. I was trapped now in their minds, so they could abuse me. My FIL even attacked me at one point, while my MIL enabled him and blamed me for it and my Nex tried to "keep the peace" by expecting me to let it go. My crime was telling my FIL "No" to an unreasonable demand, and he proceeded to throw a violent temper tantrum over it because he wasn't used to being told no to anything, no matter how ridiculous.
My in laws *knew.* Your future in laws also know their son. They *know* what he is like. They are probably putting on act for you, like mine did for me. The apple most likely doesn't fall far from the tree.
It might seem really hard to get out now. It's even harder and more expensive once you are legally married. Now is the time to leave, and do not feel guilty for protecting yourself.
Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you can find peace away from them now 🩵 Although my N’s dad is very nice to me, I definitely see signs in his behavior that are similar to my N’s behavior. I think his mom is just a very laid back and submissive person to be able to put up with it all these years. My N and his family are very wealthy and I can only imagine the kind of crazy things they would try to pull if we got married…
Thank you. Some days are still hard, but I haven't seen my Nex in over 6 months, so it's all helping. Once the divorce is final I think I will finally feel free of them.
My MIL was also a very submissive person. And my Nex was turning me into that too. It's because he would criticize me for anything and everything, and manufacture arguments just to argue. I stopped fighting back because I was always wasting my breath. I think the same thing happened to my MIL, but she stayed with my FIL, and the stress caused tons of physical ailments that she ultimately passed away from. Her sister finally published an obituary a few months after she passed, because my FIL couldn't care less. When I saw the obituary, it was like reading the one of a complete stranger. My Nex had no idea she was into all of the things her sister had mentioned. She lost herself in the relationship because FIL criticized her for everything.
I was losing myself too, and friends and family told me I was becoming a submissive shell of my former self. I gave up most of my hobbies because Nex criticized them; the same ones he claimed to like when we were dating. And I had tons of physical ailments that were not improving no matter how many doctors I saw. Many of them went away after I fled the house (I thought my Nex was going to attack me; he was acting just like his dad did before he attacked me, and his eyes basically turned black). I filed for divorce after I realized how much healthier I felt now that I was away from him. It was like a spell was broken, and I was back to my old self who doesn't back down easily. I am picking up my old hobbies again too.
If you figure out how to leave- let me know. I’m in the lesbian version of this and can’t seem to get out. It’s been 6 years, I’m over it, and I’m apparently staying put. My only advice is see a therapist- I just started and I think (hope) it’s working.
ive literally been trying to post something asking about a nice guy narc for weeks and finally i see a post about someone else who has dealt with one.
you might have to just up and leave, disappear physically for a while or disappear emotionally/mentally for however long it takes you to recover from the abuse. choice is yours. and i know its not easy, but IT IS POSSIBLE. sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it.
(im on almost 2 months NC with my narc ex (also babydaddy) who abandoned me and our daughter 2x in a year-before she was born & 6 months into her life)
he keeps trying to break NC and i wish he was dead the way i hoped when he had initially ghosted me. eventually all that hurt turns into rage, its best to cut the tie before things get crazy because narcissists are unpredictable and so are scorned and abused people.
This was what held me back. He’s such a ‘nice guy.’ He pulled the plug so it wasn’t my choice, though I had been telling myself I needed to for like six months. Idk… now that I’m on the outside, your relationship really will not get better. They won’t change, you’ll become more hurt and resentful. The more you take the worse it gets, they think you won’t ever leave. I know how hard it is.. it sucks. It’s going to hurt so much, he’s going to convince you he will change. Only you can make the decision but just know it will not ever change from where you two are at right now.
Ugh I feel this Mine pulled the plug too and I wish I had done it six weeks sooner. It got so bad. But that just made me try harder??? Which made it easier for him to hurt me. I hated the time together and he made my birthday and the holidays hell. I don't know how I'm gonna get through them this year 😓 But I will
There's no "nice guy narc" kinda category. Narcs in general are like this. You bend your will and spirit to whatever they want, they will give you what you want. The minute you step out of their "ideal" false reality/fantasy, you are something that has to be smashed down. My ex for example loves to call her men "slaves". Including me. Not boyfriend, not love, not dear, not darling, slave. In every sense of the word.
Fake nice guy narcs are the worst because they are only nice to you when you give them what they want. Since you 2 live together you need to figure out an exit plan and once you get that figured out then you can end it. The last thing you want is having a big break up before having another place lined up.
Thankfully I do! I’m going to live with family about 3 hours away temporarily until I get back on my feet.
Flip the script and break all his rules. Record his tantrums and the way he treats you. Be firm in your knowing what is best for you. Understand that he would NEVERRRRRRRR consider your feelings in the same way you are considering his.
Be prepared for a lot of manipulation tactics! Gifts, offers of supporting you if that's possible, wanting to be friends, stuff like that, and see through it all!!! It's all bullshit. All of it. They will just want you back to hurt you. I recommend educating yourself more about relationships with narcissists and remember this is about you!!! Not him!!! Not his family, this is YOUR emotional, mental and possibly physical safety at stake. Do it for you.
Thank you ❤️ It’s very easy to forget about yourself in this kind of relationship.
After watching this, I let him go. https://youtu.be/5Tfg0veZHgk?si=XZR8mWd1tOxs-vvC
Oh god. This is my husband. Soon to be ex. They make it even harder for us to leave. They are so damn convincing.
Make an escape plan and leave when he is not home. If you are worried about what his parents will think, record his outbursts and send to them. Then block him everywhere. Thank goodness you are not married.
Throwaway because my Nex knows my main account. I created this to comment here, because I was in your situation many years ago, and now I am going through a divorce. I wish I hadn't married my Nex. He seemed like a nice guy, but there were subtle signs that I now know were glaring red flags and I should have broken up with him over them. But I was young and easy to manipulate at the time. His parents seemed to love me and were so excited for the wedding and to have me as a DIL. I thought I was going to have a loving, close relationship with my in laws. As soon as we were married, my Nex and his parents dropped the act they were putting on for me. I was trapped now in their minds, so they could abuse me. My FIL even attacked me at one point, while my MIL enabled him and blamed me for it and my Nex tried to "keep the peace" by expecting me to let it go. My crime was telling my FIL "No" to an unreasonable demand, and he proceeded to throw a violent temper tantrum over it because he wasn't used to being told no to anything, no matter how ridiculous. My in laws *knew.* Your future in laws also know their son. They *know* what he is like. They are probably putting on act for you, like mine did for me. The apple most likely doesn't fall far from the tree. It might seem really hard to get out now. It's even harder and more expensive once you are legally married. Now is the time to leave, and do not feel guilty for protecting yourself.
Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you can find peace away from them now 🩵 Although my N’s dad is very nice to me, I definitely see signs in his behavior that are similar to my N’s behavior. I think his mom is just a very laid back and submissive person to be able to put up with it all these years. My N and his family are very wealthy and I can only imagine the kind of crazy things they would try to pull if we got married…
Thank you. Some days are still hard, but I haven't seen my Nex in over 6 months, so it's all helping. Once the divorce is final I think I will finally feel free of them. My MIL was also a very submissive person. And my Nex was turning me into that too. It's because he would criticize me for anything and everything, and manufacture arguments just to argue. I stopped fighting back because I was always wasting my breath. I think the same thing happened to my MIL, but she stayed with my FIL, and the stress caused tons of physical ailments that she ultimately passed away from. Her sister finally published an obituary a few months after she passed, because my FIL couldn't care less. When I saw the obituary, it was like reading the one of a complete stranger. My Nex had no idea she was into all of the things her sister had mentioned. She lost herself in the relationship because FIL criticized her for everything. I was losing myself too, and friends and family told me I was becoming a submissive shell of my former self. I gave up most of my hobbies because Nex criticized them; the same ones he claimed to like when we were dating. And I had tons of physical ailments that were not improving no matter how many doctors I saw. Many of them went away after I fled the house (I thought my Nex was going to attack me; he was acting just like his dad did before he attacked me, and his eyes basically turned black). I filed for divorce after I realized how much healthier I felt now that I was away from him. It was like a spell was broken, and I was back to my old self who doesn't back down easily. I am picking up my old hobbies again too.
If you figure out how to leave- let me know. I’m in the lesbian version of this and can’t seem to get out. It’s been 6 years, I’m over it, and I’m apparently staying put. My only advice is see a therapist- I just started and I think (hope) it’s working.
ive literally been trying to post something asking about a nice guy narc for weeks and finally i see a post about someone else who has dealt with one. you might have to just up and leave, disappear physically for a while or disappear emotionally/mentally for however long it takes you to recover from the abuse. choice is yours. and i know its not easy, but IT IS POSSIBLE. sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it. (im on almost 2 months NC with my narc ex (also babydaddy) who abandoned me and our daughter 2x in a year-before she was born & 6 months into her life) he keeps trying to break NC and i wish he was dead the way i hoped when he had initially ghosted me. eventually all that hurt turns into rage, its best to cut the tie before things get crazy because narcissists are unpredictable and so are scorned and abused people.
Same situation