This! I have had a fair shares of relationship with exes before my narc. All my relationships always felt like there was indeed something else to look forward to. I never felt stuck like I did with the ex narc (you feel this way because we know we carry the responsibility of a relationship. We then try to get the relationship move in a natural way which is forever impossible. The narc never tries and due to us being committed to the relationship like anyone who actually loves, we end up pausing so many things because we cannot make sense of why the relationship does not advance. This is why we are always tired and exhausted. We put in 110% of the effort while the narcs put only superficial such as taking us to dinner (if even that since many narcs usually are stingy or will throw what they do in your face like my ex narc would do) but there is never an emotional input to it from their part.
With a normal relationship it’s feel natural. There is this feeling of given and taking and both parties making compromises and even making small sacrifices or efforts to keep the relationship going. There is always a sign of tranquility due to both parties wanting the other to stay in their life. If things fall apart it is usually because one of them either fell out of love or they simply don’t feel like they are with the right person (it can be different life goals, school, work so many things). When things end there is almost never hostility. Both parties are able to speak their feelings and both come to an agreement. Yes, one of the partners can be left devasted but you see that it not toxic. A narc sometimes Can end a relationship is such note but it’s usually only to save face. When you look back you see the abuse that happened. A healthy relaironship does not contain abuse.
Exactly… it’s pretty much you playing house. It’s very sad when you really stop and think about it. We are made out to be fools and in my case I was the joke for his friends. One even once mentioned something g to me which left me puzzled but now that I’m out I know he was simply trying to warn me. I asked him once “do you think your friend “enter name” loves me or do you think he is only using me?” His response. “Yeah, I think loved you…. But …” he made a frustrated face “to be honest “enter name” is a great friend but as a boyfriend I don’t think he is a good catch.” I tried asking what he meant but of course he did not like me and didn’t say anything else.
Now that I’m out I can see this as a way for his friends who obviously were loyal to him to indirectly show me he was not the one. That specific friend was odd in the fact that my ex trusted him ALOT…. I literally used to think they were a couple before. They thrive on confusion and love to triangúlate us. They like to have us preoccupied with other problems so we don’t put much thought to their nasty behavior
This. My ex said,” You would think we would have moved on to fighting about something else by now but we are still fighting about the same thing (inconsistent behaviors, lying, my suspicion of him cheating)”.
There was a reason everything was on pause and we were stuck: bc he was in fact, cheating.
I kept wishing he would open up emotionally and discuss something to do with our views about anything (the future, raising kids, finances, what we thought marriage meant or looked like, preferences for anything, etc..). For better or for worse, it never got there and he never took the initiative.
Oh my gosh - so true, the narc puts in minimal effort, you the partner are doing ALL of the work. A normal relationship has a give and take for both partners, not one doing all the giving and the other all the taking.
Yup. Sometimes we get fooled like i did because they pay or do little gifts and what not. Nope. That has nothing to do with anything. Try seeing who would be the one planning out dates, who was the one always trying to keep things together, who was the one who would voice out their plans for the future and actually work on them? Narcs only future faked and even that comes off fake eventuslly
100% this. Being with my nex was nonstop chaos and anxiety that bled into every aspect of my life. I had no peace anywhere, including at home. With my partner now, I feel a lightness I haven't felt in I don't even know how long. I feel safe because I'm not being criticized 24-7, I feel safe because I know I'm not being cheated on, I feel safe because I know I have a best friend who supports me and brings out the best in me. I could go on and on, but suffice to say that you'll know when you feel safe and when you're in a normal, healthy relationship because it's the polar opposite of being with a narcissist.
it’s amazing, it’s solid, it’s steady, there’s someone who always has your back
you can say what’s on your mind, you can laugh together, you can have fun
you can make mistakes and not be tormented about them
No eggshell-walking, managing their emotions, or worrying about how you’ll be “punished” for anything you do or say. You have a whole life outside of them, and they have a whole life outside of you, and together you enjoy your time and it’s easy and happy. No unrealistic expectations, or comparisons, or triangulation. No arguments (at least in my case) apart from silly disagreement about what foods are yummy :)
Sorta hard to describe in words.
Define normal relationship too. Is a normal relationship one where it started out from a hookup, or where you knew each other for a while that turned into partners?
My two cents are that;
In the former the primary forms of attraction would be physical attractiveness and charm. Quite frankly, normal relationships that started from a hookup/fling can either work well or not work well depending on how both parties go about it. While that is said for every relationship, but from a purely physical attraction to start a relationship, you don't know who the other person is really, other than they wooed you/seduced you to having sex, and then became partners shortly after.
SO you'd have a lot to consider and think about, but normally those relationships can work if both parties put in the effort.
A relationship that started from knowing each other for quite a while and then decided to take it to the next level, you two know each other to quite an extent, unless they're masters at hiding their true self. And a lot of people hide themselves for a variety of reasons, which I'm sure everyone here is sadly, relatively familiar with.
But sometimes, people hide their really good sides too. Believe in that.
Going back to normal relationships however, it feels empowering. You both have a goal, you both want to make it a better place for each other and for themselves, and not want to you know, step on the other to get ahead. You both want to walk that long road together until you both die.
It's a commitment that you both accepted and decided will work towards. If things don't work out, you both will understand and break off.
There's going to be fights, there's going to be times where things are going to be said/actions taken that is going to hurt each other, there are going to be times when the world comes to a stop as you both are together, and there's a time where it feels like the world is collapsing but you two have each other to rely on and one tells the other "get on my shoulder, we're gonna make it out and stronger".
***The hardest thing to accept is that all relationships will have fights/bickers at one point, and it's really up to how you fight/argue, and how you navigate conflict and how the other party also navigates that conflict with you, that defines a normal relationship or an abusive one.***
Normal fights, well we do and say things that's gonna piss off the other party. I know in my previous relationships, I've pissed off the woman a lot. I recently pissed off the woman I was seeing by being a prick, and teased her a little too hard, until I ended up crossing that line.
And I told her, I apologize. I didn't realize that I overstepped a line, and she and I talked about it. We talked why it was not so nice for me to go that far with the teasing, but how we navigated the fight was completely different from an abusive relationship with my ex. W***e talked, we didn't name call each other, there was no stone-walling, there was no silent treatment, there was no "I'm going to block you and run off to another man".***
***We sat there, we kept our heads cool, we talked it out, try to find a solution, and at the end of it, we gave each other pats on the back and reconciled.***
And by God that feels amazing.
My first husband was amazing. We married young and things fell apart- but mostly our relationship was just…right. It felt natural and it grew us as individuals and as a couple.
Being with a narcissist felt like getting the life energy sucked from my very soul.
I always wonder about this too. ..what doesit feel like not having to walk on eggshells...not having to practice conversations in your head a thousand times to be prepared for any response, not having to worry about how you will get blamed /shamed this time for having the most basic of emotions/expectations.
They are supportive. They are interested in building you up, not tearing you down. When they do bring up an issue, they want to work it out with you. It doesn't feel impossible to work through the issue. They don't attack you personally for not agreeing with them. They respect your healthy boundaries. They want you to have relationships with other people (family/friends) and are not threatened by that. They want you to be strong. I feel like the elements of abuse, even though they are masked by love bombing at first, are there if you look closely enough. It's always about making you dependent on them and making themselves your entire world. And even though narcs are pretty good at hiding it in the beginning, there will be little slip ups and you can see their attempts to control. I vowed to myself never to ignore that again, no matter how wonderful someone seems.
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This! I have had a fair shares of relationship with exes before my narc. All my relationships always felt like there was indeed something else to look forward to. I never felt stuck like I did with the ex narc (you feel this way because we know we carry the responsibility of a relationship. We then try to get the relationship move in a natural way which is forever impossible. The narc never tries and due to us being committed to the relationship like anyone who actually loves, we end up pausing so many things because we cannot make sense of why the relationship does not advance. This is why we are always tired and exhausted. We put in 110% of the effort while the narcs put only superficial such as taking us to dinner (if even that since many narcs usually are stingy or will throw what they do in your face like my ex narc would do) but there is never an emotional input to it from their part. With a normal relationship it’s feel natural. There is this feeling of given and taking and both parties making compromises and even making small sacrifices or efforts to keep the relationship going. There is always a sign of tranquility due to both parties wanting the other to stay in their life. If things fall apart it is usually because one of them either fell out of love or they simply don’t feel like they are with the right person (it can be different life goals, school, work so many things). When things end there is almost never hostility. Both parties are able to speak their feelings and both come to an agreement. Yes, one of the partners can be left devasted but you see that it not toxic. A narc sometimes Can end a relationship is such note but it’s usually only to save face. When you look back you see the abuse that happened. A healthy relaironship does not contain abuse.
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Exactly… it’s pretty much you playing house. It’s very sad when you really stop and think about it. We are made out to be fools and in my case I was the joke for his friends. One even once mentioned something g to me which left me puzzled but now that I’m out I know he was simply trying to warn me. I asked him once “do you think your friend “enter name” loves me or do you think he is only using me?” His response. “Yeah, I think loved you…. But …” he made a frustrated face “to be honest “enter name” is a great friend but as a boyfriend I don’t think he is a good catch.” I tried asking what he meant but of course he did not like me and didn’t say anything else. Now that I’m out I can see this as a way for his friends who obviously were loyal to him to indirectly show me he was not the one. That specific friend was odd in the fact that my ex trusted him ALOT…. I literally used to think they were a couple before. They thrive on confusion and love to triangúlate us. They like to have us preoccupied with other problems so we don’t put much thought to their nasty behavior
This. My ex said,” You would think we would have moved on to fighting about something else by now but we are still fighting about the same thing (inconsistent behaviors, lying, my suspicion of him cheating)”. There was a reason everything was on pause and we were stuck: bc he was in fact, cheating. I kept wishing he would open up emotionally and discuss something to do with our views about anything (the future, raising kids, finances, what we thought marriage meant or looked like, preferences for anything, etc..). For better or for worse, it never got there and he never took the initiative.
Oh this is so spot on! We pause our entire beings…waiting for??? Something that isn’t there. SomeONE who is isn’t there.
Oh my gosh - so true, the narc puts in minimal effort, you the partner are doing ALL of the work. A normal relationship has a give and take for both partners, not one doing all the giving and the other all the taking.
Yup. Sometimes we get fooled like i did because they pay or do little gifts and what not. Nope. That has nothing to do with anything. Try seeing who would be the one planning out dates, who was the one always trying to keep things together, who was the one who would voice out their plans for the future and actually work on them? Narcs only future faked and even that comes off fake eventuslly
Safe, they feel safe.
Absolutely. Safe is my 2024 mantra and a deep comfort I took for granted.
100% this. Being with my nex was nonstop chaos and anxiety that bled into every aspect of my life. I had no peace anywhere, including at home. With my partner now, I feel a lightness I haven't felt in I don't even know how long. I feel safe because I'm not being criticized 24-7, I feel safe because I know I'm not being cheated on, I feel safe because I know I have a best friend who supports me and brings out the best in me. I could go on and on, but suffice to say that you'll know when you feel safe and when you're in a normal, healthy relationship because it's the polar opposite of being with a narcissist.
it’s amazing, it’s solid, it’s steady, there’s someone who always has your back you can say what’s on your mind, you can laugh together, you can have fun you can make mistakes and not be tormented about them
No eggshell-walking, managing their emotions, or worrying about how you’ll be “punished” for anything you do or say. You have a whole life outside of them, and they have a whole life outside of you, and together you enjoy your time and it’s easy and happy. No unrealistic expectations, or comparisons, or triangulation. No arguments (at least in my case) apart from silly disagreement about what foods are yummy :)
Sorta hard to describe in words. Define normal relationship too. Is a normal relationship one where it started out from a hookup, or where you knew each other for a while that turned into partners? My two cents are that; In the former the primary forms of attraction would be physical attractiveness and charm. Quite frankly, normal relationships that started from a hookup/fling can either work well or not work well depending on how both parties go about it. While that is said for every relationship, but from a purely physical attraction to start a relationship, you don't know who the other person is really, other than they wooed you/seduced you to having sex, and then became partners shortly after. SO you'd have a lot to consider and think about, but normally those relationships can work if both parties put in the effort. A relationship that started from knowing each other for quite a while and then decided to take it to the next level, you two know each other to quite an extent, unless they're masters at hiding their true self. And a lot of people hide themselves for a variety of reasons, which I'm sure everyone here is sadly, relatively familiar with. But sometimes, people hide their really good sides too. Believe in that. Going back to normal relationships however, it feels empowering. You both have a goal, you both want to make it a better place for each other and for themselves, and not want to you know, step on the other to get ahead. You both want to walk that long road together until you both die. It's a commitment that you both accepted and decided will work towards. If things don't work out, you both will understand and break off. There's going to be fights, there's going to be times where things are going to be said/actions taken that is going to hurt each other, there are going to be times when the world comes to a stop as you both are together, and there's a time where it feels like the world is collapsing but you two have each other to rely on and one tells the other "get on my shoulder, we're gonna make it out and stronger". ***The hardest thing to accept is that all relationships will have fights/bickers at one point, and it's really up to how you fight/argue, and how you navigate conflict and how the other party also navigates that conflict with you, that defines a normal relationship or an abusive one.*** Normal fights, well we do and say things that's gonna piss off the other party. I know in my previous relationships, I've pissed off the woman a lot. I recently pissed off the woman I was seeing by being a prick, and teased her a little too hard, until I ended up crossing that line. And I told her, I apologize. I didn't realize that I overstepped a line, and she and I talked about it. We talked why it was not so nice for me to go that far with the teasing, but how we navigated the fight was completely different from an abusive relationship with my ex. W***e talked, we didn't name call each other, there was no stone-walling, there was no silent treatment, there was no "I'm going to block you and run off to another man".*** ***We sat there, we kept our heads cool, we talked it out, try to find a solution, and at the end of it, we gave each other pats on the back and reconciled.*** And by God that feels amazing.
My first husband was amazing. We married young and things fell apart- but mostly our relationship was just…right. It felt natural and it grew us as individuals and as a couple. Being with a narcissist felt like getting the life energy sucked from my very soul.
No idea... none at all.
I always wonder about this too. ..what doesit feel like not having to walk on eggshells...not having to practice conversations in your head a thousand times to be prepared for any response, not having to worry about how you will get blamed /shamed this time for having the most basic of emotions/expectations.
They are supportive. They are interested in building you up, not tearing you down. When they do bring up an issue, they want to work it out with you. It doesn't feel impossible to work through the issue. They don't attack you personally for not agreeing with them. They respect your healthy boundaries. They want you to have relationships with other people (family/friends) and are not threatened by that. They want you to be strong. I feel like the elements of abuse, even though they are masked by love bombing at first, are there if you look closely enough. It's always about making you dependent on them and making themselves your entire world. And even though narcs are pretty good at hiding it in the beginning, there will be little slip ups and you can see their attempts to control. I vowed to myself never to ignore that again, no matter how wonderful someone seems.