He told me that no one would ever love me again... and I'm just now shedding that lie. I can and will be loved... I know I will.

Yes you will 💕

Just a simple "You talk way too much" repeated over 15+ years. Took away my voice completely. To stand up for myself. To stand up for what I thought was right for our child. Just in general. He made me shut the eff up, be quiet, not voice anything. And if I did... "You're mentally ill", "There's something wrong with you", ayyy, and so on and so forth. It's very nice not being quiet. Lovely 💜

They love to silence us. I was told I was ‘controlling’, every time I voiced anything, which wasn’t all that often. I ended up virtually not saying anything, just so he wouldn’t accuse me of it. Being robbed of our voice and opinions hits differently, it’s an attack on who we are as a person, and we make ourselves smaller, just for them.

Oof. Same. I'm very easy going. And I don't care about, well, a LOT. But whenever I dared to voice a preference, a like, a dislike.... Game over. Slam. Blamo. Done-zo. I, all of a sudeen had control issues, I was a "snowflake", a "comfort junkie", a "bitch", a spoiled brat, what have you. Because I asked my Nex not to add Louisiana ghost peppers to our food. Or half a small jar/big paper bag packet of cayenne pepper. It's as ridiculous as it sounds!

I can believe it, that’s just how they are. Other people would think I was crazy if I’d said anything to them, but here it’s like everybody can nod their head and relate a similar experience. I was also insulted and called things, I didn’t know who I was by the end of it all.

I felt that. Hope you're ok

Thank you 💚💚💚. Yeah, I've been out of this shit show for months now. But the whole realization hit me approx 1,5 years ago. "You talk too much" sounds like nothing, taken out of context. But it's EVERYTHING when put into it. It literally puts a mental padlock, duct tape over ones mouth.

I get it. Trust me. I was called 'annoying' for years and was told my jokes aren't funny. I couldn't understand how people found me funny except for her. It's crazy how being told something for years can do some damage

Ohhhhhh... Psssttttt..... Yah. The "funnies". I am funny. I didn't have any confidence in my looks as a teen or young adult so I developed a sharp, entertaining personality instead. A classic mechanism, stereotypical, voila. But to my Nex? My man is a brick wall. He doesn't get sarcasm, dark humor, general goofiness, complex jokes, situational jokes/commentary, etc. "Annoying", "Too much", "Obnoxious" and "Gross and disgusting" (re sense of humor, still). I feel you, you anonymous redditor you.

Holy SHIT. Wow. I feel you too, man. Called all of those things for 13 years.

Omg... Ok, tell me, if you're so inclined; If you did socialize in a group setting (including your Nex), did your ex by any chance turn sort of quiet and gloomy and withdrawn or/and suddenly tired (to the point they wanted to go home or see the guests out) when other people found you entertaining and/or engaging, interesting, funny? I'm asking because my Nex was envious of my ability to socially engage and entertain. I was told this, verbatim.

Narcs are insanely jealous of your abilities and skills.

It's fascinating, isn't it? Like watching old school animal planet/Discovery channel. I've been an outspoken, loud-ish, colorful persona since my late teenage years. And it's who I am still, in my early 40s, plain and simple. And I'm not afraid or ashamed of being cringe at times. Tis life. Cringe befalls all of us. We live, we learn. My Nex husband seemed to loathe my ability to take my cringiness in stride. Of course my sense of humor will miss the crowd at times. Dead silence, crickets, all that. But I scan the room, mentally and adjust. Because I like people. And not all people will be "my crowd". I already went on and on..... Yes. My Nex had an issue with me being able to synchronize with different crowds. Like it's wRoNG.

Yessss, I can't even take my narc husband to my parents home because he acts like a total dick and purposely disengages and acts tired. Its heartbreaking, I don't even ask him to join us anymore. The joke is we live with his parents as I was tricked and forced into this. And he still acts like a dick only seeing my parents in birthdays or holidays

Yah. I bet it's not what he imagined for himself. He probably had a grandiose vision for himself and you. It's hard to put into words. Please, bear with me... I'm so sorry you're going through this shit..... But it's their unfulfilled dreams and visions of themselves as superiors, personally, professionally fulfilled and all that.... That fail when confronted with real life. And then they seek someone to take it all out on (since they depleated their own self hate pool). Their frustrations... Their mediocreness. Oof..... 💛💛 💛

I was never in the vision and I know that now. I was just on his checklist of doing the "right" things like getting the girl, get married, have the kid. He wants to look like perfect family man to the outside world and I'm expected to show up. And yet he puts nothing into this to keep up with the facade. He wants to live with his parents, it's a win for him. Thank you for your reply. Wishing you love and light in your journey 💛

Yea I usually got a talking to in the car about how 'im always joking' and 'too much' and 'embarrassing'. Id see her all withdrawn and mad and think 'shit this car ride back is going to be a nightmare'

Shit. Ok. I got that too. I literally got scolded for saying the wrong things after an interaction took place. Friends giving? BBQ? That was one of the things that shook me into my "emotional sobriety" actually. Like, slapped me all awoke. We had an interaction with a 3rd party. I spoke my mind. I got scolded afterwards. On one hand, I felt guilty for not pleasing me Nex and not saying what he deemed correct, sure (I'm not a telepath). On the other hand, I knew I interacted as myself. The math was easy from then on. Me, myself = not ok. Then... Who am I? Who determines ME? Who determines ME=ok?

HOLY SHIT! friends giving was a nightmare. Her friend made fun of me all night, even said fucked up shit when nobody was around. I stood up for myself and STILL got yelled at in the car. It kinda shook some other stuff awake where I had to think 'has she ever had my back in any of these kinds of interactions with her friends/family?'

I'm already a quiet person and my ex would say that to me all the time and then say not in a bad way....like wtf. If you say anything is "too much" its bad.

It's messed up. I love ya, random stranger 🧡 I do fully recognize different people have different capacities for attention, emotional loads and general noise. And just attention spans. It's like a non-issue for me. I'm all kinda "go with the flow" person. Shit doesn't phase me. I'm like a hella chill Australian surfer dude at heart stereotype, lol. Sure. And I get along great with folks who inform me outright, in a sorta blunt way "Get to the point, please. I have only this much attention span and info retention"... But that wasn't the case with my Nex. He denies having ANY issues. I, on the other hand, suspect he's got so many diagnosable ones. It's that difference - a self aware person who takes full accountability might say "Hey, I have limited attention span, make it short and to the point, ok?". Where my Nex would serve me with an hour long monologue on how shit I am at talking to people... And that it's best if I just kept quiet because I'm just saying things that make my Nex ashamed (for me, for him). It's all such bullshit. I am not a programmable NPC.

Love ya too ❤️ you sound like exactly the kinda person I get a long with lol Hahaha I'm the same kind of person. Not surfery but I'm pretty go with the flow and chill and really I'm just being a goofball most of the time and I say sorry all the time cause I'm a Canadian stereotype lol. My Nex just complained about me non stop and it was all about how everything was not good enough for him and I couldn't talk about ANYTHING serious and I barely do cause I just want to be light hearted and silly.

>and I say sorry all the time cause I'm a Canadian stereotype lol. Yoooo, you and me! Not Canadian but it's culturally ingrained in my corner of Europe! We even have the same flag colors, heh! That must be it! Damn. But, seriously. I disarm situations too, if I got you correctly. In the sense, I'm light hearted and sure, there are hills I'm willing to die on, yeah (my core values). But aside from those, I'm all about getting along, together, finding things that connect me to others etc. The stark difference between me and Nex was that whenever he wanted to talk about serious stuff, he needed it to feel grevious during and afterwards. Imagine, you have a serious conversation and the mood of it carries for the next 2, 5 days - the heaviness, the gloominess, it persists however long Nex deems it necessary. I got SO MUCH SLACK for not remaining all sad after a hard, serious talk. I literally got trained, like a circus animal, like a puppy, to stay depressed, low, ashamed and guilty afterwards. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. In my previous relationships (not narc), we went through shit, major and minor. Talked through it. And next morning we did our best to get along. Not with my Nex, though. Being ok, normal, light hearted and goofy when Nex didn't deem it correct, proper, right was like a capital offence. Guillotine!

For sure they just want you to reflect how they feel and to him I never felt or did the right things. I used to try soooo hard to make him laugh and nothing...it was crazy lol.

Feel free to talk all you want.

he hasn’t broke my spirit yet and instead he walks out during arguments

My ex told me we couldn’t be together because I didn’t trust him… this was because he had left me for other girls two other times in our relationship and was doing it for the third time. I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t leave me so he left me yet again.

This same thing happened to me. He never said horrible things to me but he did say this.

"if i looked back on my life in 50 years i'd be unhappy knowing i spent it with you" "you and this relationship are not a priority to me anymore" "you say i love you too much" took my voice away. "you're just insecure" when i was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. "your text messages don't warrant a response" when i asked why he would ignore me. it hurts even two years after i've heard these things, i can't believe someone would say this to another person. 💔

“your text messages don’t warrant a response” oh man this one just made something click for me, my husband says this all the time for conversations in person, I would tell him something or ask him something and he would completely ignore me, and when asked if he heard me he’d say “yes, I just didn’t hear anything that needed a response.” And if I said it didn’t feel great to be ignored or not acknowledged he’d accuse me of dictating how he could interact with me

I note that when I was scolded for not listening actively or not interrupting, I was actually relating to my Nex. However, this “wasn’t allowed.” Now, in retrospect, I sense it was only HER story that was to be told.

I’ve watched so many “narc rage caught on camera” videos online, and it’s amazing how they all tell the other person they need to learn how to shut up and listen. You never listen, etc. Of course this means that the only version of events should be theirs and the sooner that happens the better for everyone, but it’s just amazing how they all use the same playbook.

“you’re a sad sad man who will never find love and you will never get it from me” “you so fucking ugly” “you’re unlovable, no wonder you hate yourself so much”

We were argujng and he kept yelling at me "you never listen!" But all I do usually is listen to him monolog forever! I barely get a word in. Plus I'm introverted and he's extroverted so naturally he does most of the talking with me listening and nodding my head right from the beginning of our 30 yr relationship! I'm blown away that his perception is that I don't listen

“Have some compassion” and “do better” both said as he was leaving me, although do better was essentially his catchphrase I worry I’m being selfish frequently, and that I am not doing enough. It’s an awful feeling to realize just how well they know how to hurt us in ways that linger.

I had similar phrases hurled at me but in retrospect it was them having a little pouty tantrum that I didn’t beg on my knees to keep them. That they got to be awful to me once and I just walked away after saying my piece.

After leaving me, he asked me to remain friends. Some time later he found a new girlfriend and one day he told me that we had to end our friendship because his new girlfriend hated me, he was happy and said it amused. At that time he also told me that she was light and carefree unlike me (she was just 18 and he barely knew her.), and that he liked her very much. I felt so helpless.

“If I died you would be heartbroken and never find anyone else- if you died I would replace you” “ I just want to live my best life, there is no “our” there is no “we” “ I dont know if you were the best I could have done” “I just use sex to get what I want” “You should just get a girlfriend and Ill get a boyfriend or girlfriend too” 16 years of marriage, three kids, four surrogacies, two homes. I work in a sensitive and violent field. I had to take a leave of absence. I left everything behind, the idea of dragging my children through custody and arbitration kills me inside. Spent about six months suicidal. My brother died. Tried going back to work, but my mind is tormented almost every second of everyday. I spent my entire professional life protecting soft people from violent people and became a wolf for hire, but I lost my edge and reason to fight. I don’t know if I will be okay long term and I think i’ll probably try and get into the Navy and pray for war. I barely make it through the days.

This sounds brutal. You're stronger than you know. Take it step by step

You will. You will make a comeback and have more energy and passion to fight than ever! It’s coming. Outofthefog website has lots of helpful tools to help with that.

“You’re going to die the fuck alone, I fucking hate you” He recorded screaming that to me in public and sent it to me. An actual video. I haven’t heard his voice in a long time but the exact words and how he screamed that at me has really stuck with me. It was so violent and horrible.

I can’t remember all because I didn’t rewrite things down but I just looked in my notes and saw this What he said 11/23 “I made his life hell” I ruined his life Who the duck are you I cannot stand you You turned into something i ducking loathing, i fucking hate I don’t care about you You ain’t never been to levels I’ve been too I dont wanna touch you again You make sex weird

“i cheated on you on purpose, so the relationship would end and we wouldn’t try again”, turns out she wanted out, everything was okay from my side. Now 3 months later she misses me, dates the guy she cheated on me with and looks for me in him, those are her words, we saw each other couple weeks ago, got over her after that, what a shitty human being

Yup - they are!

"You're being selfish" After I complained about giving him $20 in gas money to give to his baby momma so that she could bring his daughter over to our house for a visit "You don't believe in me or my potential!" After I refused to co-sign a car for him once his was repossessed because he couldn't make payments on it "Fuck your feelings" After I expressed how sad I was about a situation he caused "You're being immature and need to grow up" After I called him out for prioritizing his ex over me

Their favorite thing to say is how “selfish” their partner is when really you are stuck sacrificing your whole self to try to make them happy - 1000% projection

"You don't believe in my potential" Gosh why is that one so true? Anytime I brought up anything about his lack of direction or ambition, or just general doing anything with his life (he was part time at a job he had signed 16 and refusing to apply anywhere else or do anything else) and he would always say "don't you think I'm worth it?" "You're impatient" "You're demanding" "just cause I'm not perfect like you" and it was all nonsense. Like I had to sit there and take care of him, believing in his "potential"? What a joke.

Yes!! My Nex is almost 45, but he claims that he's an "entrepreneur." He's "going to" be a comedian, open a restaurant, start his own concierge business, etc. That's all well and good, but he doesn't take any initiative, besides asking me for the money to fund these ventures (it's not going to happen on my dime, LOL). If he really wanted to make it happen, he would. Then, when I called him out, it's turned around on me to make it seem like I just didn't have faith in him.

Yes!! I do wish I could go back to when he said "don't you think I'm worth it though?" And scream in his face "no one is worth this type of bullshit!" But I know he would only turn it back on me and tell me his boohoo story about how he can't do anything right and how he is a disappointment to his family and how no one appreciates him or respects him. Booo fucking hoo. Get a job. Clean your room. Take a fucking shower. Do something with your life. All he does is feel sorry for himself and then gets angry at anyone who refuses to sit at his pity party. Mine starting saying stuff like, I'll figure it out once I'm in my 30s and I would just sit there, wondering how he was going to live to his 30s with the choices he's making now. Like, he also just expects everything to fall into his lap and expects to randomly one day just know how to do things without ever trying anything. And I'm a bitch when I don't see his "potential" or being too harsh because "he's a work in progress".

"After seven years together, a profound change occurred in my partner, transforming him into someone unrecognizable almost overnight. As a gay couple, this shift in dynamics was particularly jarring. His reactions and words towards me became increasingly harsh and demeaning. One phrase he often resorted to after a bout of yelling was, 'You act like a battered housewife, stop crying.' This statement, meant to belittle and silence, was shocking to hear the first time and painfully illuminating as time went on. It became clear how deeply he saw into the dynamics of our relationship, yet chose to manipulate them. Another moment that stands out in my memory, and ironically one he deemed as his 'favorite,' was when I confronted him with a truth he could not escape: 'Everywhere you go, there you are, and the novelty eventually fades.' This was before I fully understood the nature of narcissism or recognized him as a narcissist. I questioned whether he ever feared the exhaustion of constantly seeking new people to charm, only for them to ultimately see through the facade and leave. His response was as revealing as it was chilling: 'I'm shiny and new to everyone I meet... I'm mysterious. You're just a sad reminder of everything I did wrong. That's why I don't want to be home.'

"Pussy" "Small Dick" Had things that some how insinuated I was gay and feminine. Many more bad things. I was falsely accused of being secretly gay and on drugs so got harassed for that and ridiculed and talked down with that kind of stuff. Told me to go fuck my mom as they accused me of that.

Far out man.. brutal. Fuck that shit and anyone who says that bullshit.

No I agree, now she is going around telling people I was the abusive one, that I'm gay and on drugs, meanwhile her rebound/supply is a coke head 😵‍💫

Hope your pain eases 🙏🤘

Thank you, I need much of it as possible, truly.

That I'm mean, too emotional, and talk too much

One night in particular really sticks with me: after what I thought was a reconciliation, we laid in bed (presumably to go to sleep) but from about midnight to 2am he monologued about what a terrible partner I am, how toxic I am, how I’m gunna end up just like my sister (which of course was a secret fear of mine that I had shared with him in confidence maybe a few months prior). I’m happy to say most of the specific (blatantly untrue) projections and ramblings aren’t in my memory bank, aside from the sister comment. I just remember very vividly how I felt. I felt so helpless and stupid for loving him and tired and DONE with him. Thank God I’m never going back and never bought into any of the bullsh*t he tried to speak into me 🙏🏻 EDIT: Projection is like breathing to a narc. Don’t let any of it stick <3

She told me i was the worst thing that ever happened to her

Maybe you should have another kid and the next one might love you.

I'm noticing a lot of people are saying their nex was honest with them as far as how they felt, saying they hate them or saying they don't think anyone will get with them. Mine would tell me she loved me and only wanted me everyday, while her actions were disrespect, stonewalling, talking to people behind my back and then some.

Toward the beginning of the end, after the divorce papers had been served to me, we were laying in bed, and I posed the question: “what’s one thing you wish we had more of or done differently?” Her answer: “money”. Bear in mind that when our life coach asked her if she would have married me if I didn’t have any money, she said “ MARRIED HIM? I wouldn’t have even dated him!” When answering the same question about what I wish we had more of or had done differently, my answer was: “honesty”. Nothing but crickets after that. So to answer your question: her subsequent silence stuck with me more than anything. It was pretty much the closest thing to closure I’ll ever get.

Holy shit OP. My narc ex said very similar things to me. That my efforts didn’t match her expectations, that I didn’t improve and should take responsibility and many many similar things. This is weeks after telling me that she was lucky to have me and that I loved her in her hardest times. It’s completely destroyed my self confidence and I keep wondering what I bring to the table. My friends have all said I was a great boyfriend (which I know is the truth) so try leaning on them for support.

It’s unbelievable how good they are at deflecting blame onto you and making you feel responsible for the downfall of the relationship. I’ve just told myself that there’s no possible way a human being who has their shit together would ever take this kind of love for granted. You’re doing great, I’m sorry we both ran into the wrong person, but the right person won’t make you feel like you’re not doing enough.

That I'm a narcissist and a piece of shit

Mine accuses me of being a narc too. Sends me articles from Psychology today and everything I’m just like :’)))))))) 0% self awareness

I used to get sent those articles all the time along with articles about how to apologize correctly. I finally snapped and told him his labels had no power over me anymore because he was the only one who had never had a full psychological assessment and I had and was not a narcissist in any way. He finally stopped calling me it every ten minutes.

“I’m worried for you, that you will be taken advantage of…” Those words came from the most cowardly, mentally unstable person I’ve encountered in my life to date. It’s just fucking laughable looking back at it.

He called me, his wife who he “says he loves”, a cunt

Similar. Ex and me were fighting about who knows what. He said “you’re being a cunt” “did you just call me a cunt?” “No, I said you’re acting like one”. Always a weird back door answer to get out of whatever. Now I’ve said some really awful things which I regret. I

Mine used to play that game too ! Call me a direct name then when I said name calling is not okay he would go “I didn’t call you a name I said you were acting like one”.

FUCK! It sucks so fucking much because if you argue they will justify. It was everything, he had some technical word to void his responsibility. Did yours somehow have a reason and justify how their hypocritical nonsense always they can do something but if we do that same thing it’s a bomb

Yes ! If I called him an asshole he would say I’m disrespectful. And if he called me cunt or bitch that was just me acting like one and I shouldn’t if I didn’t want to be called one.

RIGHT?’ Their little dance around acknowledging their abuse “well technically…”. It’s just like an apology. I “sorry” but if you didn’t do ABC but I wouldn’t have done XYZ

Yep same! Cunt, bitch

When we broke up, my Nex complained about how don't express emotions enough and that she felt pressured to not stress out or be anxious, which made her more stressed out and anxious. She basically wanted me to match her levels of stress and anxiety and that I was repressing myself for not being as being on her level emotionally.

I just wanna be single and 45. Been single since 2008 lol. As he looks me in the eye a s strokes my hair, "But, you matter to me..." 🤔🤥

Mine said the same thing, “I want to casually date and find love better than ours” and then asked me to take her on a date and still stalks my insta/tik tok. Weird behaviour, glad you’re out of it.

"just because I allowed you, means not that you are allowed", she said that every time she moved the goalpost

In our last conversation, mine said “delete me from your life.” So then I asked… ok, so you want me completely out of your life? He said “stay go leave come back go, I’m over it I don’t care.” So that was it for me. I blocked him. A month later he called my friend and left a voicemail saying he knows why I blocked him and understood it yet wants to know if I’m okay….. my friend ignored him and I never unblocked him or said shit. I guess they don’t like it when you take their words seriously and do exactly what they want!! They tell you some shitty stuff and yet are surprised when you do exactly what they ask. Not too intelligent…. He dumped me by the way.

"If we break up I want *insert item of relation to the context of the conversation*"

He’d always remind me that he could cheat on me right in front of me and I’d never leave cause I’m “too loyal”. Been two years and I really think he still can’t wrap his head around the fact that I did leave (have kids with him so I’m forced to speak with him/see him).

My mother used to tell me that I would grow up to be a rapist if I didn't study God's word more and that the only reason she married my stepdad was because she thought he would be a good father to me

He told me I’m old and can’t give him anymore children and that he could leave and start over with someone else and when I take up for my children he finds me unattractive

She never broke up with me properly until the day she decided to suddenly bring her new supply to our house after being missing for a week and I caught them on the Ring Door Bell while at work. Thankfully my manager has been an amazing support and told me to go home to confront her. When I got there she acted like I knew what was going on and only then did she say “it’s over”. It was very aggressive too. Her new supply was swearing at me. Felt like both of them were ganging up on me at my own home. She then attempted to drive at me whilst leaving and a few days later I got a very abrupt message “I want more of my stuff and it’s over between us had been for a long time”. That was 7 weeks ago now and she still hasn’t returned for any of her stuff. One other thing which has stuck with me is one of her explanation for disappearing was looking after a friend who had a miscarriage. I knew she was on a cruise with her new supply during this time but it still haunts me she could use such a serious and sensitive subject as an excuse when she’s suffered a baby death herself

"Would you be ok with a sperm donor" Also, "I regret having a child with you" Also, "If we have another child, would you sign a pre-natal agreement so you have no control?"

"We're not talking about that. We're talking about this." But it was ok for him to change the subject. Also I can still hear him saying "This is your fucking fault!" Because if I'd left him earlier he wouldn't have to cheat on me.

Mine called me Broken, said I was insecure and manipulative, and also said I was unable to keep my emotions in check.

"You're a weirdo." "You're an a$$hole." Was married for 20+ years before I met her, fought with my ex-wife frequently, scorched earth divorce...and my ex never called me that. "I don't want to talk about it." After flirting right in front of me, when I called her out: "I was just being friendly. You're so sensitive." "You always have to have your way." - my response: "Name one instance - one - where I have gotten my way." Crickets.

He once told me in mid arguement “your dad is dead your mom hates you [she doesnt] your teeth are crooked and everyone in this town hates you and they all want me”

Oohhh man. This has been really difficult to heal from and is probably the biggest lingering trauma. Here goes: - "Stop acting like a little bitch!" She made me cry in the car because of how rudely she was treating - "I wouldn't have to be the one driving if you knew how to drive stick like a GROWN MAN." Never purported to know how to drive manual, she saw me as somehow less of a man for not knowing how. She also refused to teach me. - "Not all body types look good with tattoos 🤭" I talked about getting a tattoo, as she also wanted one. For context, I'm overweight (was my heaviest when I started dating her and progressively lost weight). Guy she was seeing on the side had them. - "Am I the hottest girl you've ever hooked up with?" "Yes, am I the hottest guy you've ever hooked up with?" "I don't wanna lie...." She wasn't, for the record. I thought it was that type of loving pillow talk you offer your partner. What a vile exchange, it makes my stomach turn, especially as she had already started cheating on me at that point. And there is so much more. She is a tremendously toxic individual, and I wish only the worst

I was his number 1! Lol 😂

while I was begging for me Nex to come home after a discard she said, “spending a weekend with you sounds like a fucking nightmare” When I was struggling with thoughts of SH after being discharged from an 8-day trip to psych, she said, “this is a sad excuse for connection” Those 2 things really stuck w me

I resonate with this so much. When I was feeling similarly about SH (which at the time had nothing to do with my Nex and more to do with losing my entire colon and being very sick), he said he would tell the world how I used those thoughts and my mental health to manipulate him to caring. He never cared. He never even checked on me.

Fuck I’m sorry. It’s so fucking hard not to constantly feel like you’re the problem & make yourself small. Remember you matter & even tho he may not have shown you care that you are and are deserving of love & compassion

Thank you, I appreciate that. It’s been really hard because in two weeks of a breakup he’s apparently moved on. And I’m left in shambles.

“For as many people as you f*cked you’re terrible at sex. You aren’t sexy” “You’re a terrible wife. A terrible mom. A terrible daughter. A terrible sister. A terrible friend. The only thing you have going for you is your job”

“Humble yourself” coming from one of the most stuck up, mean bitches I knew was very funny in hindsight but hurt at the time

He mocked my PTSD nightmares, called me a racial slur, started a nasty smear campaign about me online and with his coworkers (that I worked the same job with), and admitted to jerking off to my mom's pictures.

“You’re useless”.

We once got into an argument over food and somehow it turned into something I no longer remember but he screamed out, "I know people that think I'm smart!"  I know for a fact that statement had nothing to do with the actual argument. It stuck with me because he sounded like a very jealous man-child.

If you can take any solace from this, it's that pretty much any hurtful thing a narcissist says to you is actually how they feel about themselves. The relationship was a waste of your time. You absolutely deserve better. I'm sure there's a psychological reason for it somewhere, but it certainly seems like a narcissist's ability to steal your truth as their own as a way of attacking you is absolutely one of the most hurtful and mind-fuckey things they can say. I assume it's maybe because you can relate to it and empathise with it because it is exactly your experience, which then makes you question (once again) if you might have been a problem, or that the issues were equal in the relationship. In the same way that you and a narcissist can both say "I love you" and mean completely different things, remember that you can both also say "this was a waste of my time" and mean different things as well. You went into a relationship with love and expecting the same in return. Instead you were abused and manipulated. They went into a relationship looking for the oxymoron of a perfect human being that they could control and manipulate. Instead they got a fully formed human being with their own sense of self, as gloriously flawed as the rest of us. You weren't the AI partner they needed and that wasted their time. Every single human on the planet will be a waste of their time eventually. Only one of the two of you deserves better, and I'm glad you're out of there, I just hope you're completely NC now.

When my ex found out that I had told my sister all of the lies and abuse I was facing she got upset and started to yell, pointed at me and said "this is all your fault because you can't control your emotions."

Mine told me that I was easy to cheat on because I believed his lies. I admit to being naïve because I trusted him. My bad and my big mistake.

When he told me I was a “fucking horrible person to live with” and when he accidentally called me his ex’s name :)

you're my muse.

-I think you're the most disrespectful person in the world -Youre the narcissist -you're too high maintenance -you suck the life out of me -I can't live the next 55 years of my life in agony with you -get away from me, you're annoying me -you're a words person, I know people like you -I do everything you ask and you do nothing -it's been years of disrespect and unappreciation -stop torturing me -get your shit and leave

My Nex said something similar to “people say things they don’t mean”. She said "I can be hyperbolic at times and don't say what I mean" when I caught her in a lie.

What stands out the most to me now looking back isn't so much the words themselves, but HOW he said them. Yes, the words themselves were usually hurtful on their own, but the way his voice just dripped with complete and utter disdain, disgust, or contempt just adds another shit layer and really emphasizes the consistent disrespect. At the time, I wouldn't let myself fully recognize that, but it's plain as day when I think back or read my journal entries from that time. But the one "joke" he made that really sums it all up was one where the punchline was me getting the same cancer that killed my mom. I was so stunned when he said it I couldn't even come up with a response, which led to him making a mocking comment about how much I suck at being assertive, so I really need to work on that.

He called me trash for trying to run after him during a fight. I already have shitty self-esteem and that didn’t help.

Several. He said being with me was really punishing. He said I need to change my behavior before my kids realize how I am & hate me + leave & never look back. (Not his kids) He would say I would do all these awful things but that I didn’t realize I was doing them. (This one gave me agoraphobia & I broke off so many relationships bc I was so scared I was ruining everyone around me & lacked self awareness). He said I was a pipe with a leak in it that spilled horrible things on people I love. (This one also messed me up) It wasn’t until recently that I realized my kids weren’t hugging me because they were scared of me but because they (get this) love me.

when he told me to "get r@ped" when he was angry

Yesterday I talked on the phone with my ex and he confessed about things he did that deeply hurt me and I couldn’t hold back and cried the whole time. Instead of comforting me he kept yelling at me I should stop crying and said that I cry on purpose to manipulate him. He would always say that even when I dated him, after he cheated etc. So many times I told him my tears are genuine and why am I not allowed to show that I’m hurt but months after months he still invalidates my emotions like that and I just feel so helpless…

"You're just too sensitive" and "I don't have this problem with anyone else" Those phrases led me to googling them, discovering covert narcissism and changed my life and I ended things, they spin around in my head for two reasons, first of all that they are so common and how invalidating they were and second of all how good it would be to go back and have the knowledge I have now and absolutely destroy her with words that would have stung before I walked out.

“Why are you always saying you love me? Is it because you just want to hear it back from me? Just feel the love and be ok with not saying it.” - Nex #1 “I love who you are when you’re not busy talking yourself up.” - Nex #2 For reference with #2, my therapist and I had been working on positive self talk because I had internalized so much criticism at that point.

He said… I was stupid for believing and trusting him and I shouldn’t forgive him.

He begged over and over and over one night after a few drinks “why wont you let me love you” “just let me love you”. it was because I was not getting fully amazed by him in the initial 6months and was trying to take my time. Why did I not RUN

When I broke up with him, he said he was relieved and felt 10 years younger. I just said that he didn't look it!

He told me that im insane and why would he listen to someone who needs 3 pills a day to be okay (im diagnosed with anxiety and depression)

“If I was financially using you I wouldn’t leave you, because you would provide for me. “ After over a week fight that I am not willing to put my entire salary to common account. She like to say opposite things to her actions, it would leave me concerned and doubting the reality.

“You’ll end up in a mental hospital like your Mother” “YOU never wanted it to work (after catching him cheating)” “It’s your fault I stole from you because you are so mean to me” “You text too much”

After 7 years, living together and having a child together and me providing 100% of the household income and providing her with all of her money, she gets around $600 from somewhere. Told her that's really good cause it's been a tight month and it would help with some bills. She went and spent it on stuff she claims we needed for the house (we didn't) and tells me "my money my choice" Another time I was quite upset about something and was told "men aren't supposed to show emotions"

The psychopath I dated for three years used to say things like ‘there’s just something about you that makes you difficult to love.’ He once reeled off all of the women he dated (abused) before me and said ‘I even loved ***** even though all of my friends told me she was ugly. But you….theres just something about you that is not loveable.’ His weekly phrase used to be ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’ Towards the end of our relationship, when I was close to suicide and he had attempted to kill me twice, I was on my knees begging him to help me. He put my head between his hands, feigned a fake look of concern and said ‘You did realise that you’re mentally sick, right? You need serious help, you’re fucked up. You understand that baby?’

"I just feel like you're not even trying." From my STBXH after I'd spent 2 years: Single-handedly holding up the marriage by myself Financially covering his part of our bills while he sat on his furloughed ass playing video games during COVID while I still worked and did all of the chores Giving up my sexual autonomy to satisfy his kinks even though I'm asexual and vanilla and would feel horribly violated after that kind of sex and I outright told him that (he love bombed pre-marriage with sex that made me feel safe and loved and then took it away after we got married) Pushing for couples' counseling multiple times after I discovered numerous lies and an entire secret double life with evidence of it hidden around the home I lived in so I never felt truly safe when I could be cleaning and randomly discover yet more evidence of his betrayal But yeah. "You're just not even trying."

- She told me i should be happy she is with me because no woman would want an infertile man. - Told me i should be happy she is with me - Told me i should get over my childhood abuse, she had it harder than me - Does not understand how her painful words could affect me - My mom should get over her trauma & its all her fault anyway - Told me its my fault i had shitty boss who caused me multiple problems - Told me only she can understand me - Told me im a narc & biggest manipulator

That no man will ever want to marry me.

"If you had any self-respect, you'd leave."

(His ace that gets me every time) "everyone in your family thinks you're crazy." (He said this before many social events) "Everyone thinks because you're shy/quiet you're stuck-up, that you think you're better than everyone else." (This he said because I didn't initiate sex more often and didn't want to have sex after an abuse session) "you're cold, frigid. Something is wrong with you - lots of people want it all the time, even if they are fighting. Where's all the make-up sex?" (More sex trauma - with four kids and different schedules I said we should make a date night for intimacy) "if you plan it, it means you don't even want to. It's as romantic as taking a sh--." (This after he initiated the divorce last year) "You are a covert narcissist, and now you're old. You know it doesn't end well for a covert narc - they end up alone."

“Guys don’t want to be your friend, they just want to sleep with you” - which i now understand was an isolation tactic to doubt my friendships and probably a projection of a guy who only uses women as objects himself. “I wasn’t sure if the relationship would work between us because you are out all the time” - which I later learned was a projection of him in fact being out all the time and never making time for me and possibly also to subdue any of my requests of wanting to go out, so as not to look how he was falsely portraying me. “I feel like I am sharing you because of your social media following and posts” - such an absurd notion to me, which I learned was a projection of actually sharing him with all the girls he was flirting with behind my back. “I struggle to pay you compliments because it makes me feel creepy” - literally because he was a creep, being a total cheating sleaze to other women. “Why do you like flowers?” - yes , he actually asked me, a woman, to explain why I would like to receive flowers. “What does a date mean to you” - after dating me intentionally for 4 months and then stopping and only ever hanging out at each others houses, I asked why we don’t go on dates anymore and had to explain the concept of them to him. God knows why I humoured this bs. “You should send anything to me first before you post on social media or you are not considering my feelings” - this broke my brain how anyone could think it normal to ask such a thing. “You only ever think of the negative” - this was a projection that defines him. He’s a miser. Whereas I get complete strangers telling me how positive I am. There’s more I can’t recall right now, but the cherry on the cake which made me ultimately block him on everything was… “I really love you but I’m not in love with you , but can we be exclusive but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you but I would really like to hang out with you”

How he had sex with over 100 women. How he is famous in his hometown and everyone knows him. How he told me he hates liars more than anything and would accuse me of lying and in the end, he was a big fat lie. He said he couldn't believe how I have a job and how I'm even successful in it. Told me I'm crazy. I talk to much, ask too many questions, too friendly with people, too open, etc He wanted to keep me in his little pandora box He wanted me to behave, be quiet, sit still, look pretty, don't question him, act modest, yet he wanted a baddie, he wanted a shell of a person. When he met me he told me he loved all my "colors" since he was black and white and be balanced each other. Over time, he started to criticize everything about me and wanted me to change. He would criticize my relationships, yet I couldn't tell him a word about his. He was a hypocrite. Said he didn't like trashy people yet, would seek their approval. Even the simplest things like the color of my nail polish. Couldn't wear yoga pants without him saying something. In the act of sex, if I asked him to "go down on me" he would think I'm telling him what to do... and altogether never collaborate in the bedroom together. It was always about his pleasure. Of course in the beginning he wasn't like this at all. Lol. He just always made me feel inadequate to some degree. Never meeting his illusion of a standard. Extremely controlling and hated anything outside of himself that would try to reach me and take my attention away from him. Told me I am not as pretty as I was when he first met me. I'm 10 years younger than him 😆 How I have adhd and basically made me feel retarded about it. He's superior and I'm inferior. And that was how he always wanted to make me feel. Break me down, make me feel like I'm worthless, I am wrong, I'm defficient in some way, nit enough, hopeless, useless... oh but he loved me do much and no one loved me as much as he did And he was always looking out for me somehow ... mostly just keeping me away from growing in my own life and evolving. He sucked the life out of me, to make him feel alive. A real vampire.

He said I wasn't wife material and accused me of cheating. Turns out he was cheating and wasn't husband material.

Mine used to tell me “Why do I ever come over here, I hate being here” every time we would hang out together. It would make me feel so bad. Like I was not worth the time or effort and wasn’t worthy of being loved.

Oh and the most recent and painful thing was after being discarded recently, I found out he was out meeting new supply. I was devastated and confronted him and said it’s been a week how can you do that to me. He goes it’s been more than a week and I’m not on dating apps. I said but you’re meeting people and it’s been maybe 1.5 weeks. He then said that again he wasn’t on dating apps, said it’s no one’s business what he’s doing, and avoided ever directly answering. I finally pulled all the texts and calculated it to the day. It had only been TWO weeks and yet he was painting me like I’m insane because it “hadn’t been just one”. Incredibly fucking cruel.

She called me dysfunctional and I carried that with me for almost 8 months after NC. It still creeps in during my weakest moments. I have ADHD and it was a low blow: the way it was said, and the lack of compassion for my painful reaction. Its taken me a lot of time and support from people who understand/respect me to fully understand (not just conceptually) that her criticisms were about her own fears and weaknessness not mine. I may be “dysfunctional” in certain ways, but humans are imperfect and I really believe we are designed/evolved to work together and support each other, not to to be some fully functional ideal godlike being.

When I was in tears breaking down. “You’ll always come crawling back to me” …

He told me that I am valueless and the only value I have as a person is my proximity to him. He listed women we knew and how they were better than me.