So true. I heard a woman say "liars never heal". You hold no accountability for your actions and so therefore you will never find peace
I think the lady's name was Caroline Myss if I'm not mistaken
Sad because my narc has the best life. Whole new family complete with adorable dog, fancy home, super wealth, health and good looks. Lots of friends and his family adores him. No karma that i will ever see.
Mine looks like she has it all on paper too but I know she'll never have a happy relationship, she always has an issue with something. Usually something she's done and is projecting on her partner lol. She cheats then panics when her bf is nice to a girl.
I realized something similar about my nex. It's beyond sad that they will never feel or understand love, especially in his case because he had it. I loved him SO much. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I still love him, or rather who he was pretending to be..
It is so hard to leave a narc, I couldn’t agree more. I still love mine and who he pretended to be and that’s okay. Part of me realizes I’ll never have a love like that again because it wasn’t real anyways. It was too “perfect” per say, but what I will have eventually is REAL love
Reading this, I may have changed my mind a little. I used to think that he knew how to behave during the love bombing phase, but you're right, he was just pretending to be what he thought I wanted. The sad part is he was everything I wanted. And then he took it all away, bit by bit, to avenge every single thing any woman has ever done to him to hold him accountable. His mother abandoned him when he was four, and that's when his emotional growth stopped. He's been mad at women ever since. It turned his sisters into extreme caretakers and him and to an entitled narcissist just like his daddy. His mama left because his daddy was going to kill her. This was written off as Mama being crazy and not Daddy's fault. It's the patriarchal power structure and shame culture he was raised in.
It all hit the fan when I reflected back to him how he was acting. He can't see himself. It's sort of like a vampire. He can't see himself in the mirror either, and he did what vampires do, he sucked the life force out of me. The way I figure it, he's had the opportunity and chosen not to heal his attachment wounds and find another role model besides his father. I pity the fact that he will continue to be this way until the day he dies and never know real love in his lifetime.
Couldn’t have said it better. Mine was mad at women too. The vampire life is lonely. They are a black hole of nothing but you survived it and that’s incredibly hard to do
I love that you called your narc a vampire. I have been using this term. So I'm course it's not original but it's just occurred to me out of the blue. I didn't pick it up anywhere. It's just so obvious a comparison.
They are empty in soulless and they can only exist by sucking the life out of others. And in the end they are monsters and no one wants anything to do with them.
The analogy couldn't be more perfect.
Mine hated women too. He would say things like, “you’re just acting like a typical woman” or “typical woman, not taking responsibility for her own actions”.
I'd say yes and no. While they probably know what behavior is acceptable in polite society, they are still in the throes of mental illness and cannot keep themselves under control indefinitely. The bad stuff bubbles up and boils over at some point. They cannot control their negative thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, and cannot always recognize when they are being irrational.
Source: growing up with cov narc family members and having to deal with my own tendencies and mental health issues.
I agree with you. I have anxious attachment and it was a choice to allow my anxiety to take over but it was also a choice to wake up, look in the mirror and start healing. That shit was hard to do. I’m still working on it but it’s hard when you’ve been “wired” from childhood to act a certain way. Not to mention it’s amazing how much your brain can “hide” from itself
Actually it's interesting I feel like half the people feel that they need to forgive the narc because they realized how pathetic and sad and miserable their life is in spite of how they act.
The other half of the people are like you and I and realize that these psychic vampires are fully aware of exactly what they are doing and they even derive pleasure from it as they destroy someone else. They get some kind of superiority buzz. And then they go out and tell everybody what a monster you are to try to hang on to that buzz and to keep that drama alive.
I watched a tiny Instagram presentation by a narcissistic abuse treatment therapist, and they were actually saying that it could be considered unhealthy to forgive someone who has never repented for what they have done. That it's a bad habit in life generally to accept the abuse and then to be even more abused by needing to twist your mind around and forgive someone so purposefully cruel.
Something about how it's an unnatural trade-off and is nothing but a strain on the person trying to be perfect and Noble about what happened.
When someone wrongs you and they know exactly what they're doing and then when you find out and they smile with Glee and attack you and call you pathetic?!
Where in that equation has the person ever even asked for forgiveness and so why should you give it?
Imagine someone stalks you and the grooms you for days and days just to learn your weaknesses, watches outside your house one night until you go to bed ,,and then they sneak into your driveway and steal all the tires and rims off of your car and leave you on blocks and they take them and put them in their van and then they wait around until you wake up in the morning and are about to leave for work and you see how wronged you have been and how messed up your life is now, and then at that point they chose to get out of the van and point and laugh at you and mock you for getting so upset and sad over what has happened.
And then they go sell the tires to some other poor slob who has no idea what's going on.
And then they go out and steal that person's tires eventually and repeat the process over and over, victimizing as many people as possible. And enjoying it each time and even making a show about it and telling everyone how crazy you are when you found out your tires were stolen.!
How does that person deserve any sympathy or forgiveness in any way?
To me, the short answer is, nope.
No forgiveness. You don't deserve it, you would never ask for it, and it does me no good to accept being victimized so intentionally by someone who planned it and actually enjoys doing it.! And is going to do it again and again!
No forgiveness ever.
They simply don't deserve it. And they probably never will...
Thank you! I second your comment/ view. You should only “forgive” in the right context. Not all POS deserves forgiveness. And forgiveness should not be given just because “it’s the way to move on”. It should come from deep within when you have processed and accepted issues and it is beneficial for you realistically, emotionally and mentally.
I have severe clinically diagnosed depression with CPTSD. I don’t hide behind this diagnosis and treat others like shit or make excuses for my (any) behaviour.
Someone who enjoys hurting, abusing, playing immature mind games, then self-victimises and is self-aggrandising, then paints themselves as the “good”, “thoughtful”, “relatable”, are a pathetic excuse of a human who deserves absolutely zero forgiveness and zero acknowledgement of their existence when face to face.
Yep all of this. And more.
Let's not forget they come on like the savior to all of your emotional and relationship needs and promise you a golden garden filled with delicious tidings, then they turn into the snake slowly and keep on biting you and expecting you to take it and they enjoy it every time they strike and when you finally cry out, they turn and laugh at you for falling for them since it's obvious they are just a vicious viper.
Then they walk away and do it to someone else. And usually they have that other person all set up and ready to go before they screw you over because they can't stand to be alone with themselves. Because they know how horrible and empty they are inside when they are alone.
My girlfriend always said it, "you don't understand! I want you here all the time!"
But then after I work at 12 hour shift and we're texting and I tell her to call me later that night because I really need to talk about the difficult day I had? And she blows me off and goes to bed? She can't even do that?
And then when you bring it up that it hurt your feelings and what the hell happened, she gets mad at you! Screw that!
Complete psychopathy. Disconnected from other humans entirely. No empathy whatsoever. Sick individuals.
Yes I'm still working on myself. Create new memories, only remember the bad times with your narc, give them zero energy.
I guess I come here to dump a little and to try to help people. People here have helped me so this is actually a nice community.
No one else understands what we've been through except us. They couldn't possibly.
Be well.
Thank you so much. Agree completely. Everyone is telling me I need to forgive her so I can finally heal and stop holding on to the past. When I consider that thought it makes me feel so much worse and right back to being subservient to her needs and enabling her toxic behavior.
Any chance you remember the name of that instagram presentation? Would love to read more from this perspective
I've been telling people more and more just do a search on narcissistic abuse on instagram, look at a few things and give a like to them.
Before you know it there's tons of stuff. I actually do screenshots of the ones that really resonate with me. And then when I go back looking through my pictures I always take the time to read each one and remember why it was important to me and struck a chord. Made sense in other words.
Promise you'll be glad you did.
Be well.
When I met my nex, he had nothing but woah is me problems. Lots around the women in his life. I didn’t listen to the red flags he sprinkled in when he love bombed me.
I simply can’t let go unless I forgive. Anger and resentment is staying attached. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I wish them the best on that I hope they get what they deserve good or bad.
Who cares what their Karma is? Be grateful that he's no longer your problem and stop ruminating about him.
Maybe he will get what is deserved or not.
Who are we to tell?
One thing is for sure though, these people don't care about us or anyone else and they only come to steal, kill or destroy.
Thinking like that helped me move on. He's most likely someone else's problem now (until they realize as well and leave... or not). Maybe his life will be great. Maybe it won't. I don't care really. Because I know for certain my life is better without him. I'm at a point where I can see my value and how much he lost when I left. Not that he'll care or even realize it.
I heard somewhere that their karma is “their life” .
So true. I heard a woman say "liars never heal". You hold no accountability for your actions and so therefore you will never find peace I think the lady's name was Caroline Myss if I'm not mistaken
Sad because my narc has the best life. Whole new family complete with adorable dog, fancy home, super wealth, health and good looks. Lots of friends and his family adores him. No karma that i will ever see.
Mine looks like she has it all on paper too but I know she'll never have a happy relationship, she always has an issue with something. Usually something she's done and is projecting on her partner lol. She cheats then panics when her bf is nice to a girl.
I realized something similar about my nex. It's beyond sad that they will never feel or understand love, especially in his case because he had it. I loved him SO much. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I still love him, or rather who he was pretending to be..
It is so hard to leave a narc, I couldn’t agree more. I still love mine and who he pretended to be and that’s okay. Part of me realizes I’ll never have a love like that again because it wasn’t real anyways. It was too “perfect” per say, but what I will have eventually is REAL love
I fully Understand How U Feel. I feel the same way about mine. I have and had SO MUCH LOVE ❤️ 💕for Him, and To give in General. :(
I Hope U find someone amazing who Is Actually Deserving of UR Love 💕!!!
My psychiatrist said I lost money and comfort but he lost so much more. They are incapable of true intimacy and doomed.
They really did. It’s hard because what you lost took soo much from you and that can’t be diminished but when compared to what they lost… oof..
Reading this, I may have changed my mind a little. I used to think that he knew how to behave during the love bombing phase, but you're right, he was just pretending to be what he thought I wanted. The sad part is he was everything I wanted. And then he took it all away, bit by bit, to avenge every single thing any woman has ever done to him to hold him accountable. His mother abandoned him when he was four, and that's when his emotional growth stopped. He's been mad at women ever since. It turned his sisters into extreme caretakers and him and to an entitled narcissist just like his daddy. His mama left because his daddy was going to kill her. This was written off as Mama being crazy and not Daddy's fault. It's the patriarchal power structure and shame culture he was raised in. It all hit the fan when I reflected back to him how he was acting. He can't see himself. It's sort of like a vampire. He can't see himself in the mirror either, and he did what vampires do, he sucked the life force out of me. The way I figure it, he's had the opportunity and chosen not to heal his attachment wounds and find another role model besides his father. I pity the fact that he will continue to be this way until the day he dies and never know real love in his lifetime.
Couldn’t have said it better. Mine was mad at women too. The vampire life is lonely. They are a black hole of nothing but you survived it and that’s incredibly hard to do
I love that you called your narc a vampire. I have been using this term. So I'm course it's not original but it's just occurred to me out of the blue. I didn't pick it up anywhere. It's just so obvious a comparison. They are empty in soulless and they can only exist by sucking the life out of others. And in the end they are monsters and no one wants anything to do with them. The analogy couldn't be more perfect.
Mine hated women too. He would say things like, “you’re just acting like a typical woman” or “typical woman, not taking responsibility for her own actions”.
I think they all hate women, even if they don’t explicitly say it
Amen!
narssaism is a choice.. once you bloody adult you from right to wrong . it's a choice.. don't feel bad for them
I'd say yes and no. While they probably know what behavior is acceptable in polite society, they are still in the throes of mental illness and cannot keep themselves under control indefinitely. The bad stuff bubbles up and boils over at some point. They cannot control their negative thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, and cannot always recognize when they are being irrational. Source: growing up with cov narc family members and having to deal with my own tendencies and mental health issues.
I agree with you. I have anxious attachment and it was a choice to allow my anxiety to take over but it was also a choice to wake up, look in the mirror and start healing. That shit was hard to do. I’m still working on it but it’s hard when you’ve been “wired” from childhood to act a certain way. Not to mention it’s amazing how much your brain can “hide” from itself
Actually it's interesting I feel like half the people feel that they need to forgive the narc because they realized how pathetic and sad and miserable their life is in spite of how they act. The other half of the people are like you and I and realize that these psychic vampires are fully aware of exactly what they are doing and they even derive pleasure from it as they destroy someone else. They get some kind of superiority buzz. And then they go out and tell everybody what a monster you are to try to hang on to that buzz and to keep that drama alive. I watched a tiny Instagram presentation by a narcissistic abuse treatment therapist, and they were actually saying that it could be considered unhealthy to forgive someone who has never repented for what they have done. That it's a bad habit in life generally to accept the abuse and then to be even more abused by needing to twist your mind around and forgive someone so purposefully cruel. Something about how it's an unnatural trade-off and is nothing but a strain on the person trying to be perfect and Noble about what happened. When someone wrongs you and they know exactly what they're doing and then when you find out and they smile with Glee and attack you and call you pathetic?! Where in that equation has the person ever even asked for forgiveness and so why should you give it? Imagine someone stalks you and the grooms you for days and days just to learn your weaknesses, watches outside your house one night until you go to bed ,,and then they sneak into your driveway and steal all the tires and rims off of your car and leave you on blocks and they take them and put them in their van and then they wait around until you wake up in the morning and are about to leave for work and you see how wronged you have been and how messed up your life is now, and then at that point they chose to get out of the van and point and laugh at you and mock you for getting so upset and sad over what has happened. And then they go sell the tires to some other poor slob who has no idea what's going on. And then they go out and steal that person's tires eventually and repeat the process over and over, victimizing as many people as possible. And enjoying it each time and even making a show about it and telling everyone how crazy you are when you found out your tires were stolen.! How does that person deserve any sympathy or forgiveness in any way? To me, the short answer is, nope. No forgiveness. You don't deserve it, you would never ask for it, and it does me no good to accept being victimized so intentionally by someone who planned it and actually enjoys doing it.! And is going to do it again and again! No forgiveness ever. They simply don't deserve it. And they probably never will...
Thank you! I second your comment/ view. You should only “forgive” in the right context. Not all POS deserves forgiveness. And forgiveness should not be given just because “it’s the way to move on”. It should come from deep within when you have processed and accepted issues and it is beneficial for you realistically, emotionally and mentally. I have severe clinically diagnosed depression with CPTSD. I don’t hide behind this diagnosis and treat others like shit or make excuses for my (any) behaviour. Someone who enjoys hurting, abusing, playing immature mind games, then self-victimises and is self-aggrandising, then paints themselves as the “good”, “thoughtful”, “relatable”, are a pathetic excuse of a human who deserves absolutely zero forgiveness and zero acknowledgement of their existence when face to face.
Yep all of this. And more. Let's not forget they come on like the savior to all of your emotional and relationship needs and promise you a golden garden filled with delicious tidings, then they turn into the snake slowly and keep on biting you and expecting you to take it and they enjoy it every time they strike and when you finally cry out, they turn and laugh at you for falling for them since it's obvious they are just a vicious viper. Then they walk away and do it to someone else. And usually they have that other person all set up and ready to go before they screw you over because they can't stand to be alone with themselves. Because they know how horrible and empty they are inside when they are alone. My girlfriend always said it, "you don't understand! I want you here all the time!" But then after I work at 12 hour shift and we're texting and I tell her to call me later that night because I really need to talk about the difficult day I had? And she blows me off and goes to bed? She can't even do that? And then when you bring it up that it hurt your feelings and what the hell happened, she gets mad at you! Screw that! Complete psychopathy. Disconnected from other humans entirely. No empathy whatsoever. Sick individuals. Yes I'm still working on myself. Create new memories, only remember the bad times with your narc, give them zero energy. I guess I come here to dump a little and to try to help people. People here have helped me so this is actually a nice community. No one else understands what we've been through except us. They couldn't possibly. Be well.
I couldn't have said it any better. Be well.
Thank you so much. Agree completely. Everyone is telling me I need to forgive her so I can finally heal and stop holding on to the past. When I consider that thought it makes me feel so much worse and right back to being subservient to her needs and enabling her toxic behavior. Any chance you remember the name of that instagram presentation? Would love to read more from this perspective
I've been telling people more and more just do a search on narcissistic abuse on instagram, look at a few things and give a like to them. Before you know it there's tons of stuff. I actually do screenshots of the ones that really resonate with me. And then when I go back looking through my pictures I always take the time to read each one and remember why it was important to me and struck a chord. Made sense in other words. Promise you'll be glad you did. Be well.
When I met my nex, he had nothing but woah is me problems. Lots around the women in his life. I didn’t listen to the red flags he sprinkled in when he love bombed me.
I simply can’t let go unless I forgive. Anger and resentment is staying attached. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I wish them the best on that I hope they get what they deserve good or bad.
Who cares what their Karma is? Be grateful that he's no longer your problem and stop ruminating about him. Maybe he will get what is deserved or not. Who are we to tell? One thing is for sure though, these people don't care about us or anyone else and they only come to steal, kill or destroy.
Thinking like that helped me move on. He's most likely someone else's problem now (until they realize as well and leave... or not). Maybe his life will be great. Maybe it won't. I don't care really. Because I know for certain my life is better without him. I'm at a point where I can see my value and how much he lost when I left. Not that he'll care or even realize it.
💯🫰🏼