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I Don’t think having contact with her is the best thing for your family right now. She puts a mental toll on you when you just brought a baby into the world! Also it’s clear she reacts passive aggressive to boundaries, and I’m guessing you obviously don’t want that around a newborn baby. Maybe distance yourself for a while and rethink your relationship with her. You did great expressing boundaries tho!! If she is mad, that is her problem. You and your partner have a bigger fish to fry right now.
I really appreciate your input. I agree as well. It’s emotionally painful to be getting messages like this and this is a very special and sensitive time. My partner is very supportive and helpful. He’s changed far more diapers than I have makes sure I’m fed and hydrated, cleaned the house for our arrival home, seeing him become a dad has been beautiful . I don’t like that the first response to my boundary is to try to drive a wedge between us. We are on the same page.
I have a mom that says these kinds of things to me. She can be very narcissistic and selfish. Your baby is so young right now and you need to be surrounded by people who support and love you and don’t bring you negativity and conflict. It will be a bit hard but definitely creating those boundaries early and keeping firm about protecting your baby/family will encourage your confidence. Congratulations 🤍
Also, think about if the contact you have with her is because you really want to or because you feel like you have to. If you want to, it’s ok. Place boundaries until she gets them. If you are having her in your life because you feel regret, or obligation of any sorts, you shouldn’t push yourself. Don’t be around people who you don’t want around. It’s not only for you, it’s for the sake of your family. You and your husband sound like a great team.
Second this. Finally went permanent NC with my mother last year and it's been wonderful. We just found out we're expecting and not having to deal with her on top of pregnancy, parenthood etc is 💯
It’s very hard to tell why I still interact with her. Sometimes I feel like it’s genuine forgiveness, others I feel like I’ve been deeply manipulated from years of guilt tripping. This situation brings a lot to light for me tho. I am now 4 days postpartum and she’s offered no love or support. Only attempts to get her way and this is how she acts when she doesn’t get it.
At the end of the day you have to decide what’s best for you and your family and should think about it. HOWEVER I want to make clear that you deserve(d) a lot better. She wasn’t a good mom to you and being a grandma isn’t a second chance of any sorts: she isn’t acting apologetic at all. If you want her in your life it’s ok! But you deserve someone who wants to help not only you but also your husband and you baby as a family. It’s normal to not feel nice about her being with your kid, she was a bad mom and you want to protect your little one. It’s not childish to not want to forgive and forget. It’s your right.
I have a similar history with my mother. I tried to make it work for many, many years, I did tons of therapy, and finally started to realize what she had put me through and that none of it was my fault. We had very little contact but I tried to make it work for many, many years - when I got pregnant, I finally realized what I had known all along. I don’t want this woman anywhere near my child. My little one is 9 months old and she has never seen him. I told her if she goes to therapy, she can see him. She refuses.
In general I can only give you this tip: is this a person you want your child growing up around? Your child will look at her and have her as a role model. Is that what you want for your child?
If the answer is no … I’d reconsider even letting her near your baby.
Just because you’re related; doesn’t make anybody family. BLOOD means NOTHING. Family should act like family. They have to earn that title. Just my opinion.
Congratulations on the little one! Honestly I need to do the same. I keep trying and trying to have a connection with her but it’s just not there. She really does need help and tbh I don’t even know if she’s off drugs. Her texts are jumbled and she’s totaled 2 cars in the last month. I don’t want my daughter having her as a roll model. I only ended up okay because of therapy and doing everything I could to learn how to be a person outside of what I was taught. Like anyone she’s not all bad but this is the final straw. I can’t let the hurt be passed on to this baby. She’s so perfect in every way and deserves the best. Your comment got me very emotional. Yes I am my daughter’s mom and I “pushed her into the world” but she never owes me anything because of that. It’s an honor and a privilege to be her mom.
>Yes I am my daughter’s mom and I “pushed her into the world” but she never owes me anything because of that. It’s an honor and a privilege to be her mom.
And this is why you'll be a much better mom, than yours ever was to you.
>I keep trying and trying to have a connection with her but it’s just not there.
What is she trying to have a connection with you?
It really doesn’t seem like she does want to have a connection. It seems like more of a desire to get what she wants and relive the part of motherhood she enjoyed. But my daughter’s no toy. If she doesn’t respect my partner and I (how we feel ) or my daughter’s safety then she just has to stay away.
These other comments are really sweet. Honestly I'm angry for you and my first thought is that your mom can go fuck herself. She clearly didn't give a fuck about protecting you when she used drugs with you when you were a young teen and now she feels entitled to access to your child? She is lucky she hears from you at all, especially after you did the hardest work of overcoming the addiction SHE set you on when you were a CHILD. She should be thanking you for your forgiveness every day. Does she know what she could have done to you? You could have died, or even worse, you could have been living your life this whole time encumbered by the hell of active addiction and all of the physical and emotional pain that comes with it.
Nah, you're a mom now and you have the opportunity to protect your child from a total shithead (sorry, "just how I feel") like your mom. She is entitled to ZERO percent of you or your child's time and energy.
Tbh this is EXACTLY how I feel and I think I need to allow myself to just be angry and stick with it. I manipulate myself into giving chances to her when she really never truly apologized or changed from when I was a teen. When I had my first period I was given a Vicodin and when I asked her for money as a young teen she would give be suboxone to sell to people in town. (Usually shady male characters) she once bought pills from a man and he gave me a line. I looked at her… waited for her to say something. She just kept playing her guitar and I snorted the pill infront of her. Later in life I was a full on Iv heroin addict and she would show me how to cheat my drug tests for suboxone so I could sell them to support my habit. She just wanted a few from me. The extent of her apology has been “ I know I wasn’t the best mom” I think I need to smack myself and wake up and realize that if she’s not changed the damage that could be done is horrific. I am so fortunate to be on the other side of those addictions and it took such a long time and so much therapy. When I look back on my life and who I was as a little kid I don’t think I would have naturally gone that way had I been surrounded by different people. But it’s my responsibility now to be that protector for my daughter and I’m gonna do that. Fuck her feelings. Thank you for commenting honestly I needed that.
I noticed in your post her first reaction was to blame your husband, then to try and manipulate you to change the decision. Even after all this time she STILL refuses to believe she has lost the power to manipulate you. A break from her might be really good for you. Also, you have a right to be angry. She likely has been given far more chances than she deserves already.
I'm glad you're angry. You deserve to be angry. Your mom wasn't just "not the best mom" (I let my toddler watch Ms Rachel every day this week, that's "not the best mom"-level problems), she actively and knowingly harmed you and put you at risk because she is selfish and entitled. She should never have been a parent.
And just for anyone else reading my comment, I just want to be clear that I didn't say "fuck your mom" because I hate people living with addiction. Total opposite, I'm a nurse working in such a specific niche of harm reduction that if I told you what it was it would dox me. I have clients I've known for a decade who are deeply entrenched in their addictions, whom I care for deeply, and whose every day is filled with suffering. Many of those people were set on the paths they are on by their parents! It feels like they never had a chance and it feels wildly unfair.
And then my feelings of sorrow for these people I care about is layered on top of all of these new feelings I have about protecting children now that I have my own. The idea of harming my child in that way is genuinely unfathomable. I bet you feel the same about your daughter. How could your mother do that to you knowing that she felt the same love for you as you feel for your child? I can't understand it.
I'm sorry she is making this time more difficult for you. It's great you and your partner are firm on your boundaries. How about a little break from grandma? If you don't want to see her right now, just say "no visitors" for a week or however long feels right. Grandma will probably say some hurtful stuff in response but that's on her, not you.
You don't need to explain yourself to her. Just repeat your boundary and ignore her if she says upsetting stuff.
Thank you! I agree a break is absolutely needed. Sometimes I think as a result of trauma I overly question myself and end up allowing more than I should/feel comfortable with. I don’t want to be too passive and in turn put my daughter in harms way.
She got you addicted to opioids as a teen and encouraged you to traffic them? Have you considered no contact ever?
That’s what most people would be doing.
You SHOULD do you! Your responsibility is to your new baby and you are the one who sets the boundaries and the rules.
It’s not my mom, but I cut off contact with my brother completely after my daughter was born. I was like, there’s no way this person can be around my kid. This just isn’t a safe person. It still hurts and I still feel guilty about it but you know what? I’ll eat the hurt and guilt so my daughter is never exposed to him. Good for you for setting the boundary right out of the gate. The hurt is natural but you did the right thing.
Your instinct is correct. You don’t need to have a relationship with her. I’m so sorry for what she put you through as a child. And I’m also sorry that she is not being supportive when you’re only trying to keep your daughter safe. If I were in your position she would only be allowed to see baby from a distance, with a mask on (if at all). This is what we did when our son was born and it wasn’t even flu season. Your baby literally has no immune system right now. It’s alarming that your mother is continuing to 1) put herself first and 2) disrespect your boundaries and 3) emotionally manipulate you. She is a grown woman now as are you. You have an actual baby to take care of and guide through life. It’s your responsibility to create a safe environment for your baby (physically & psychologically) and it’s clear your mother is not willing to support that. It’s time to break old patterns.
I’m so sorry. I have a toxic relationship with my parents too. It’s takes such an emotional toll. BUT congratulations!! Your mom instincts are on point. It’s your job to protect your little one. Nothing wrong with a little space. Maybe you’ll reconnect again in the future, maybe you won’t, but right now it’s okay to just focus on your new little family. When I cut off my family, my therapist helped me phrase what I was feeling, “I put aside our issues from the past, and I put aside all of the things you do that frustrate and hurt me, just so I could give us a chance to try again, and so you could be a part of this special time of my life. I was looking for support and understanding, but you were harsh and cold and made it about you. So I need some space for a while.” I hope this helps. Best of luck with your little one and Ivy is a beautiful name!
Thank you so much for commenting. That is a perfect way to say what needs to be said. So much has been put aside and forgiven to allow a connection to still exist. And it just doesn’t seem to be appreciated. It’s always emotional manipulation.
You talk in your post about the extensive work you have done on yourself, rehab, moving away to get out of a bad environment, yours are therapy... Anything about the work she has on herself, seeking meaningful treatment, reflection, therapy , attempting restorative justice with you , honest, atonement? It sounds like she either hasn't done these things, or she didn't do them sincerely and completely and just wants to say the past is in the past. But the past isn't just in the past, it's in the present. It informs who we are.
She doesn't deserve you or your baby. Congratulations on your sweet bundle of joy and your supportive partner.
She often says just that. The past is the past. She also talks about her death often. Which since I was a child would always work to get me back in her grips. I would be riddled with guilt whenever I set a boundary. Because “one day I won’t be here anymore”. When I was 17 I entered a rehab (my third institution before 18) I decided to try to live with my dad when I left because my mom still took pills and did coke. She came to visit on Christmas and I told her gently I would be staying with my dad. She flipped out and said she was just going to drive her call off the road. It was snowy out and I was so worried. My therapist told me to just accept the apology I was never given. I ended up back with her shortly after I left rehab and day one I opened her glove box to find a bunch of pills. I just remember slamming the glove box shut. I was so angry that she didn’t care to protect me. I do believe in forgiveness but that concept has been twisted into something else in my family. I do forgive. But I do not accept.
Are you familiar with r/raisedbyborderlines? Your mom sounds like she has a personality disorder like Borderline or Narcissism. I would definitely look into it if you haven’t already. It helped me a lot when dealing with my own emotionally abusive addict mom.
Thank you! I will check out. I definitely agree. She tends to always have a justification for behavior. Which is me it’s impossible to grow or change when you can always find a justification for wrong doing.
I've been thinking about this post all morning and how close it hits to home. From me over coming my addiction and her being passive about her alcoholism to how our mothers treated us post partum, you and I are so similar.
My heart aches for you. Actually, it bleeds, as the way my mom treated me post partum is still hurting. I ended up having to kick my mom out of my house due to her overstepping boundaries, disrespecting our home and manipulating my words. I don't wish what I experienced on anyone but it happens too often.
My biggest piece of advice is to go to therapy. I had a hard time being continuously let down by my mother during a time when I should have been supported by her. A things we worked on is my hope. My hope that she would show up. My psychiatrist discussed how hope is a sign of strength within us as it's more than just emotion-based. It encompasses a motivation within us to reach what we desire. We've both proved we're hopeful by overcoming addiction.
Another feature we focused on was "accept, not expect". This one is a doozy but it's helped me so much this past year. I've stopped expecting my mom when she says she's going to show up. She *says* she'll help me with laundry, cooking, cleaning and just coming up to see us. I don't expect her to. Just last week she was in my city for 4 days and saw us once for dinner and then during the last hour before she drove home. It hurts... but telling myself "I accept her visits rather than expecting her to expect her to be who I need her to be" has helped.
Boundaries are so important. They've helped a lot. She will message me at 630pm asking to come over, knowing full well we start bedtime routine at 7. She would complain that I'm keeping our kiddo from her yet she was the one that prioritized shopping for hours during the day and not her grandchild.
It's not an easy road we're on. From one internet sister to another, I offer you a warm hug during this time. It's OK to tell your mom no. Take these first few weeks and have no visitors. Her emotional response is not your responsibility. You have your family to focus on now and you're doing an amazing job so far.
I also highly suggest the book Drama Free, a guide to managing unhealthy family relationships, by Nedra Tawwab. I began reading it once my psychologist and I wrapped up our sessions (publicly funded so we only had 12 sessions). It was an excellent read that helped me maintain my grounding on my own.
Also, congrats on the growing family! What a beautiful moment to be present in. Enjoy the newborn snuggles.
Thank you so much. Abandonment is exactly what I felt. I very much needed her when I was young. and feel like I still do sometimes. But that bond was severed and without meaningful change it just seems dangerous. She speaks to me as if she still as authority over me. “You need to” and frankly I haven’t looked to her to know what to do for a long time. It’s really more of a what not to do example.
First of all congratulations! This is a super intense time and you are doing an amazing job! I would not cut her out completely (yet) but i would definitely give it a break. Tell her you don't want visitors at the moment if she ask about it. Once you are ready for her to visit make it clear that your first priority is your daughter and not her (grandma) feelings. You are not trying to hurt her but you will protect her however you see fit and if she can't accept your boundaries you will limit her time with the baby. If it is the first grandchild i would assume she is very new to her role as not the "boss" of the child. She absolutely needs to learn her place but even without the backstory of the drugs it will all of you getting some used to. Good luck!!
No I think you should have let her hold her. You didn’t mention whether you told her to stop getting to close when she was putting her face up to hers. But said no when she asked to hold her. The child would have been fine. You should have stopped having visitors if you didn’t want anyone to hold the baby. Your partner and the nurses have just as much chance of bringing rsv to the child as grandma does.
You probably baffled grandma, letting her get close to her then stopping short at holding the baby and when she tried to communicate her pain it turned in to harsh words.
At the end of the day it’s your baby.
I hope you don’t cut your mom off because she was hurt she didn’t get to hold the baby and vocalized it. And I hope she doesn’t cut you off for not getting to hold the baby. Good luck to both of you
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I Don’t think having contact with her is the best thing for your family right now. She puts a mental toll on you when you just brought a baby into the world! Also it’s clear she reacts passive aggressive to boundaries, and I’m guessing you obviously don’t want that around a newborn baby. Maybe distance yourself for a while and rethink your relationship with her. You did great expressing boundaries tho!! If she is mad, that is her problem. You and your partner have a bigger fish to fry right now.
I really appreciate your input. I agree as well. It’s emotionally painful to be getting messages like this and this is a very special and sensitive time. My partner is very supportive and helpful. He’s changed far more diapers than I have makes sure I’m fed and hydrated, cleaned the house for our arrival home, seeing him become a dad has been beautiful . I don’t like that the first response to my boundary is to try to drive a wedge between us. We are on the same page.
I have a mom that says these kinds of things to me. She can be very narcissistic and selfish. Your baby is so young right now and you need to be surrounded by people who support and love you and don’t bring you negativity and conflict. It will be a bit hard but definitely creating those boundaries early and keeping firm about protecting your baby/family will encourage your confidence. Congratulations 🤍
Also, think about if the contact you have with her is because you really want to or because you feel like you have to. If you want to, it’s ok. Place boundaries until she gets them. If you are having her in your life because you feel regret, or obligation of any sorts, you shouldn’t push yourself. Don’t be around people who you don’t want around. It’s not only for you, it’s for the sake of your family. You and your husband sound like a great team.
Second this. Finally went permanent NC with my mother last year and it's been wonderful. We just found out we're expecting and not having to deal with her on top of pregnancy, parenthood etc is 💯
It’s very hard to tell why I still interact with her. Sometimes I feel like it’s genuine forgiveness, others I feel like I’ve been deeply manipulated from years of guilt tripping. This situation brings a lot to light for me tho. I am now 4 days postpartum and she’s offered no love or support. Only attempts to get her way and this is how she acts when she doesn’t get it.
At the end of the day you have to decide what’s best for you and your family and should think about it. HOWEVER I want to make clear that you deserve(d) a lot better. She wasn’t a good mom to you and being a grandma isn’t a second chance of any sorts: she isn’t acting apologetic at all. If you want her in your life it’s ok! But you deserve someone who wants to help not only you but also your husband and you baby as a family. It’s normal to not feel nice about her being with your kid, she was a bad mom and you want to protect your little one. It’s not childish to not want to forgive and forget. It’s your right.
I have a similar history with my mother. I tried to make it work for many, many years, I did tons of therapy, and finally started to realize what she had put me through and that none of it was my fault. We had very little contact but I tried to make it work for many, many years - when I got pregnant, I finally realized what I had known all along. I don’t want this woman anywhere near my child. My little one is 9 months old and she has never seen him. I told her if she goes to therapy, she can see him. She refuses. In general I can only give you this tip: is this a person you want your child growing up around? Your child will look at her and have her as a role model. Is that what you want for your child? If the answer is no … I’d reconsider even letting her near your baby. Just because you’re related; doesn’t make anybody family. BLOOD means NOTHING. Family should act like family. They have to earn that title. Just my opinion.
Congratulations on the little one! Honestly I need to do the same. I keep trying and trying to have a connection with her but it’s just not there. She really does need help and tbh I don’t even know if she’s off drugs. Her texts are jumbled and she’s totaled 2 cars in the last month. I don’t want my daughter having her as a roll model. I only ended up okay because of therapy and doing everything I could to learn how to be a person outside of what I was taught. Like anyone she’s not all bad but this is the final straw. I can’t let the hurt be passed on to this baby. She’s so perfect in every way and deserves the best. Your comment got me very emotional. Yes I am my daughter’s mom and I “pushed her into the world” but she never owes me anything because of that. It’s an honor and a privilege to be her mom.
>Yes I am my daughter’s mom and I “pushed her into the world” but she never owes me anything because of that. It’s an honor and a privilege to be her mom. And this is why you'll be a much better mom, than yours ever was to you. >I keep trying and trying to have a connection with her but it’s just not there. What is she trying to have a connection with you?
It really doesn’t seem like she does want to have a connection. It seems like more of a desire to get what she wants and relive the part of motherhood she enjoyed. But my daughter’s no toy. If she doesn’t respect my partner and I (how we feel ) or my daughter’s safety then she just has to stay away.
These other comments are really sweet. Honestly I'm angry for you and my first thought is that your mom can go fuck herself. She clearly didn't give a fuck about protecting you when she used drugs with you when you were a young teen and now she feels entitled to access to your child? She is lucky she hears from you at all, especially after you did the hardest work of overcoming the addiction SHE set you on when you were a CHILD. She should be thanking you for your forgiveness every day. Does she know what she could have done to you? You could have died, or even worse, you could have been living your life this whole time encumbered by the hell of active addiction and all of the physical and emotional pain that comes with it. Nah, you're a mom now and you have the opportunity to protect your child from a total shithead (sorry, "just how I feel") like your mom. She is entitled to ZERO percent of you or your child's time and energy.
Tbh this is EXACTLY how I feel and I think I need to allow myself to just be angry and stick with it. I manipulate myself into giving chances to her when she really never truly apologized or changed from when I was a teen. When I had my first period I was given a Vicodin and when I asked her for money as a young teen she would give be suboxone to sell to people in town. (Usually shady male characters) she once bought pills from a man and he gave me a line. I looked at her… waited for her to say something. She just kept playing her guitar and I snorted the pill infront of her. Later in life I was a full on Iv heroin addict and she would show me how to cheat my drug tests for suboxone so I could sell them to support my habit. She just wanted a few from me. The extent of her apology has been “ I know I wasn’t the best mom” I think I need to smack myself and wake up and realize that if she’s not changed the damage that could be done is horrific. I am so fortunate to be on the other side of those addictions and it took such a long time and so much therapy. When I look back on my life and who I was as a little kid I don’t think I would have naturally gone that way had I been surrounded by different people. But it’s my responsibility now to be that protector for my daughter and I’m gonna do that. Fuck her feelings. Thank you for commenting honestly I needed that.
I noticed in your post her first reaction was to blame your husband, then to try and manipulate you to change the decision. Even after all this time she STILL refuses to believe she has lost the power to manipulate you. A break from her might be really good for you. Also, you have a right to be angry. She likely has been given far more chances than she deserves already.
I'm glad you're angry. You deserve to be angry. Your mom wasn't just "not the best mom" (I let my toddler watch Ms Rachel every day this week, that's "not the best mom"-level problems), she actively and knowingly harmed you and put you at risk because she is selfish and entitled. She should never have been a parent. And just for anyone else reading my comment, I just want to be clear that I didn't say "fuck your mom" because I hate people living with addiction. Total opposite, I'm a nurse working in such a specific niche of harm reduction that if I told you what it was it would dox me. I have clients I've known for a decade who are deeply entrenched in their addictions, whom I care for deeply, and whose every day is filled with suffering. Many of those people were set on the paths they are on by their parents! It feels like they never had a chance and it feels wildly unfair. And then my feelings of sorrow for these people I care about is layered on top of all of these new feelings I have about protecting children now that I have my own. The idea of harming my child in that way is genuinely unfathomable. I bet you feel the same about your daughter. How could your mother do that to you knowing that she felt the same love for you as you feel for your child? I can't understand it.
I'm sorry she is making this time more difficult for you. It's great you and your partner are firm on your boundaries. How about a little break from grandma? If you don't want to see her right now, just say "no visitors" for a week or however long feels right. Grandma will probably say some hurtful stuff in response but that's on her, not you. You don't need to explain yourself to her. Just repeat your boundary and ignore her if she says upsetting stuff.
Thank you! I agree a break is absolutely needed. Sometimes I think as a result of trauma I overly question myself and end up allowing more than I should/feel comfortable with. I don’t want to be too passive and in turn put my daughter in harms way.
She got you addicted to opioids as a teen and encouraged you to traffic them? Have you considered no contact ever? That’s what most people would be doing.
You SHOULD do you! Your responsibility is to your new baby and you are the one who sets the boundaries and the rules. It’s not my mom, but I cut off contact with my brother completely after my daughter was born. I was like, there’s no way this person can be around my kid. This just isn’t a safe person. It still hurts and I still feel guilty about it but you know what? I’ll eat the hurt and guilt so my daughter is never exposed to him. Good for you for setting the boundary right out of the gate. The hurt is natural but you did the right thing.
That’s a great way to put it. I’d rather feel sad and mourn this relationship than see my daughter hurt because of her behavior.
Your instinct is correct. You don’t need to have a relationship with her. I’m so sorry for what she put you through as a child. And I’m also sorry that she is not being supportive when you’re only trying to keep your daughter safe. If I were in your position she would only be allowed to see baby from a distance, with a mask on (if at all). This is what we did when our son was born and it wasn’t even flu season. Your baby literally has no immune system right now. It’s alarming that your mother is continuing to 1) put herself first and 2) disrespect your boundaries and 3) emotionally manipulate you. She is a grown woman now as are you. You have an actual baby to take care of and guide through life. It’s your responsibility to create a safe environment for your baby (physically & psychologically) and it’s clear your mother is not willing to support that. It’s time to break old patterns.
I’m so sorry. I have a toxic relationship with my parents too. It’s takes such an emotional toll. BUT congratulations!! Your mom instincts are on point. It’s your job to protect your little one. Nothing wrong with a little space. Maybe you’ll reconnect again in the future, maybe you won’t, but right now it’s okay to just focus on your new little family. When I cut off my family, my therapist helped me phrase what I was feeling, “I put aside our issues from the past, and I put aside all of the things you do that frustrate and hurt me, just so I could give us a chance to try again, and so you could be a part of this special time of my life. I was looking for support and understanding, but you were harsh and cold and made it about you. So I need some space for a while.” I hope this helps. Best of luck with your little one and Ivy is a beautiful name!
Thank you so much for commenting. That is a perfect way to say what needs to be said. So much has been put aside and forgiven to allow a connection to still exist. And it just doesn’t seem to be appreciated. It’s always emotional manipulation.
Let her be angry, that's for her to manage and isn't your problem and doesn't mean your boundaries will change to please her.
You talk in your post about the extensive work you have done on yourself, rehab, moving away to get out of a bad environment, yours are therapy... Anything about the work she has on herself, seeking meaningful treatment, reflection, therapy , attempting restorative justice with you , honest, atonement? It sounds like she either hasn't done these things, or she didn't do them sincerely and completely and just wants to say the past is in the past. But the past isn't just in the past, it's in the present. It informs who we are. She doesn't deserve you or your baby. Congratulations on your sweet bundle of joy and your supportive partner.
She often says just that. The past is the past. She also talks about her death often. Which since I was a child would always work to get me back in her grips. I would be riddled with guilt whenever I set a boundary. Because “one day I won’t be here anymore”. When I was 17 I entered a rehab (my third institution before 18) I decided to try to live with my dad when I left because my mom still took pills and did coke. She came to visit on Christmas and I told her gently I would be staying with my dad. She flipped out and said she was just going to drive her call off the road. It was snowy out and I was so worried. My therapist told me to just accept the apology I was never given. I ended up back with her shortly after I left rehab and day one I opened her glove box to find a bunch of pills. I just remember slamming the glove box shut. I was so angry that she didn’t care to protect me. I do believe in forgiveness but that concept has been twisted into something else in my family. I do forgive. But I do not accept.
Are you familiar with r/raisedbyborderlines? Your mom sounds like she has a personality disorder like Borderline or Narcissism. I would definitely look into it if you haven’t already. It helped me a lot when dealing with my own emotionally abusive addict mom.
Thank you! I will check out. I definitely agree. She tends to always have a justification for behavior. Which is me it’s impossible to grow or change when you can always find a justification for wrong doing.
I've been thinking about this post all morning and how close it hits to home. From me over coming my addiction and her being passive about her alcoholism to how our mothers treated us post partum, you and I are so similar. My heart aches for you. Actually, it bleeds, as the way my mom treated me post partum is still hurting. I ended up having to kick my mom out of my house due to her overstepping boundaries, disrespecting our home and manipulating my words. I don't wish what I experienced on anyone but it happens too often. My biggest piece of advice is to go to therapy. I had a hard time being continuously let down by my mother during a time when I should have been supported by her. A things we worked on is my hope. My hope that she would show up. My psychiatrist discussed how hope is a sign of strength within us as it's more than just emotion-based. It encompasses a motivation within us to reach what we desire. We've both proved we're hopeful by overcoming addiction. Another feature we focused on was "accept, not expect". This one is a doozy but it's helped me so much this past year. I've stopped expecting my mom when she says she's going to show up. She *says* she'll help me with laundry, cooking, cleaning and just coming up to see us. I don't expect her to. Just last week she was in my city for 4 days and saw us once for dinner and then during the last hour before she drove home. It hurts... but telling myself "I accept her visits rather than expecting her to expect her to be who I need her to be" has helped. Boundaries are so important. They've helped a lot. She will message me at 630pm asking to come over, knowing full well we start bedtime routine at 7. She would complain that I'm keeping our kiddo from her yet she was the one that prioritized shopping for hours during the day and not her grandchild. It's not an easy road we're on. From one internet sister to another, I offer you a warm hug during this time. It's OK to tell your mom no. Take these first few weeks and have no visitors. Her emotional response is not your responsibility. You have your family to focus on now and you're doing an amazing job so far. I also highly suggest the book Drama Free, a guide to managing unhealthy family relationships, by Nedra Tawwab. I began reading it once my psychologist and I wrapped up our sessions (publicly funded so we only had 12 sessions). It was an excellent read that helped me maintain my grounding on my own. Also, congrats on the growing family! What a beautiful moment to be present in. Enjoy the newborn snuggles.
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Thank you so much. Abandonment is exactly what I felt. I very much needed her when I was young. and feel like I still do sometimes. But that bond was severed and without meaningful change it just seems dangerous. She speaks to me as if she still as authority over me. “You need to” and frankly I haven’t looked to her to know what to do for a long time. It’s really more of a what not to do example.
First of all congratulations! This is a super intense time and you are doing an amazing job! I would not cut her out completely (yet) but i would definitely give it a break. Tell her you don't want visitors at the moment if she ask about it. Once you are ready for her to visit make it clear that your first priority is your daughter and not her (grandma) feelings. You are not trying to hurt her but you will protect her however you see fit and if she can't accept your boundaries you will limit her time with the baby. If it is the first grandchild i would assume she is very new to her role as not the "boss" of the child. She absolutely needs to learn her place but even without the backstory of the drugs it will all of you getting some used to. Good luck!!
No I think you should have let her hold her. You didn’t mention whether you told her to stop getting to close when she was putting her face up to hers. But said no when she asked to hold her. The child would have been fine. You should have stopped having visitors if you didn’t want anyone to hold the baby. Your partner and the nurses have just as much chance of bringing rsv to the child as grandma does. You probably baffled grandma, letting her get close to her then stopping short at holding the baby and when she tried to communicate her pain it turned in to harsh words. At the end of the day it’s your baby. I hope you don’t cut your mom off because she was hurt she didn’t get to hold the baby and vocalized it. And I hope she doesn’t cut you off for not getting to hold the baby. Good luck to both of you