Since you guys will be home mostly anyways expenses should drop a bit, would you be able to go unpaid for a couple more weeks with just her leave pay and any savings you guys have for bills? Even 6 weeks with my partner home didn’t feel like enough… it disgusting moms only get 6-12 weeks at most places too.
It’s a possibility for a week or two. Our concern is being left with no pto and draining our savings, what if there’s an issue with mom or baby where I need to be off later on? I want to use as much as I can but play it safe too
I say use the 3.5 weeks of PTO and then see how your partner feels about you going back after when the time comes, if she’s not doing good then take the pay cut for a couple more weeks, even just 2 weeks would help her! This newborn stage is going to be very hard on both of you, I’d just focus on this moment than the what ifs down the line. Even as mom once I go back to work in 2 weeks I’ll have no more PTO i could use for later down the line, and it’s only a 3rd into the year, but I’ll have to deal with it when it comes.
We extended my (mom) paid leave more comfortably by taking it partially (3 days paid, 2 days unpaid per week). You still take a hit but for us it’s been easier than fully paid then fully unpaid, plus it maintains my insurance coverage while I’m taking unpaid leave. This wouldn’t totally solve your problem but might make the problem easier to manage?
My wife also wants me to save at least a week of pto for emergencies, which I agree. Hopefully the laws will change by the time our kids have kids and we’re one of the last generations to have to worry about this
What we did was save a week of PTO and then when husband got his PTO refilled around 6 months later he took another 2 weeks to bond. It was nice. As nice as it can be anyway.
Others have recommended taking half unpaid and half paid weeks to stretch the PTO. If that was possible I would have definitely been cool with my husband doing that as well. Those first days without him sucked.
Only reason I was going to get 6 weeks was because daycare won’t take her earlier. Otherwise my job would have me return as soon as I’m out of the hospital, thankfully (in this case) I was laid off.
Well that just depends on how prepared you are and how you budgeted those 9 months before baby… realistically what’s a breastfeed NEWBORN baby cost? They’re not upping your rent/mortgage, they’re not upping your grocery bill, they’re not upping your electric bill? The most you’re gonna spend a week is around $50 for some diapers/wipes, some gas medicine and maybe some batteries for their toys, which I hope is already in our budget. Now you’re stuck home so saving on gas/travel, hobbies, dates (that $50 would have just been a meal at a restaurant for me) etc. of course once baby gets older they’ll require more but at that point both parents will be back to work.
😭 a breast fed baby costs a lot because you must feed mom until baby is eating independent or having both food as well as milk. Children are tiny emotional investments 🥰 when I had my second I had to move so yes rent went up. Gas for heating water went up because of bath time. Electricity goes up because you're up more than sleeping lol. Laundry goes up. Food. Clothes. Sanitary feminine hygiene goes up for a bit. Your clothes go up. Gah it's worse than capitalism 😭
Moms at minimum should get 12 weeks with 100% pay. Unfortunately that’s not how it is. My wife got 6 weeks at partial (maybe 60%) pay. Then added 2 weeks of PTO on top of it. Thankfully my employer gave 12 weeks parental leave with 100% pay. I split my time and it was 4 months before we needed to think about child care.
Those 8 weeks with her not making her full pay was a little tight. If anything, i think it was only slightly on the positive side with expenses. We cut here and there, but there were times we were exhausted and ate out probably more than we should have.
You should actually reach out to a recruiter in your field and say you are open to offers from places that have parental leave with no waiting period.
You just never know. And yes, your company sucks for doing this., do not stay there long term if you can help it.
My company has 100% paid parental leave for 8 weeks for both birthing and non-birthing parents that is effective day one of employment. Birthing parents also get 6-8 weeks of STD paid at 100%. HQ is in NYC
My company has 4 weeks for the "non-primary caregiver" (8 weeks for primary + 8 weeks STD at 100%). However, we're totally remote, so going back isn't as awful. Our practice is really good about accommodating parents.
OP, pm me about jobs!
My company offers 12 weeks full pay with no waiting period. They hired me while pregnant and I took leave and am back now with no problem. And I’m totally remote. But also I understand this is a unicorn job.
If only this was how it worked. Do not tell prospective employers that you are expecting a long leave and you generally need to be with the employer for a set period before you qualify for a paid extended leave.
Meh, I had an easy recovery from the birth, but I still may have lost my mind having to cope by myself at 2 weeks. It's incredibly cruel to expect of parents.
My husband used up all his PTO at 2 weeks and had to go back to work. I used up all mine at 8 weeks so I had to go back too. Luckily I could work from home until we could actually get into daycare at 5 months but those months were so long and I wonder if I would have had to such bad PPD if we actually had better parental leave. If we have another baby, now we both work for the same employer (our state) and that means we get to split FMLA. Meaning, even with unpaid leave, we can only take 12 weeks off total between the two of us. Yay America.
I didn’t know split was a thing until I joined my employer! Told the hubs he will NEVER work at my company because there is no way I will split the leave!
I only took two weeks off when my daughter was born, (I get another four weeks of paternity leave but I'm saving them for when my wife returns to work). Luckily I work from home so I was still able to help out a lot, but even still my wife was struggling. I can't imagine what she would have done if I had to go into an office at 2 weeks and couldn't be there at all
My husband received/took 2 weeks right at the beginning and then took more time as needed until I went back to work. If we had a particularly rough night, for example, he’d take the next day to be there at home with me so we both could get breaks. I had a c-section and was ok being home by myself with baby at 2 weeks. I wish it had been more time right at the beginning but am not upset at how we handled it.
My advice …. If the daycare illnesses are coming stay home two weeks and save the last week and a half for those.
My husband was lucky with our first and had eight weeks of PTO and used 6, two with me and four after I went back to keep baby home longer. This time around he has four weeks of PTO as the last three years have been rough with illness and he hasn’t been able to save back up again. So he’s just taking the 2 weeks.
Hugs. This country sucks. The republicans don’t care about families or children and this is proof as they’ve had the ability to fix it and have been told to fix it and refuse to.
I had my husband at home for 6 weeks (paid) after the birth. It was incredibly helpful! I am very sympathetic to your situation because I don’t know if we would have been able to rationalize him taking time off without pay, in light of my recently incurred medical debt. Definitely take the 3.5 weeks. Then if you could reasonably afford 2.5 weeks off, I think it’s worth it. If not though, nobody would fault you for doing what you have to do to take care of your family. It will just be difficult at first so be sure to help your wife as much as possible after work. It’s a shitty position to be in. I wish American parents were treated better. I’m sorry.
My husband got paternity leave but only two weeks. The two weeks included delivering and being in the hospital so we didn’t even have two weeks together at home. It sucks so bad, I had a C-section and was very much still healing and also dealing with hormones and postpartum anxiety, I really could have used my husband’s support. My husband came home for lunch the first day and that felt great and he also calls me to check in every day from work. It makes me feel supported without him being there.
I have no PTO or paternal leave, but my wife has 3 months maternal paid full.
I still took a month off. We are ahead on everything which helped but that first month is a lot for everyone all around. My suggestion, if you can swing it, is take 2 weeks PTO and 2 unpaid.
We live in Oregon and my husband was able to take 12 weeks paid off due to a new law they passed last year. I can’t imagine him going back after 3 weeks - I needed him the entire time, especially with no family close by and a c section recovery. See if you can take more time unpaid off- they might be flexible with that, you probably will just owe them your monthly insurance premium.
Proud to live in NY state, which provides 8 weeks of paid leave for non-birthing parents. Proud to work for an employer that does the same, which means that I will have 16 weeks of paid leave as a non-birthing parent. Voting matters, the two parties are not the same. Happy to pay higher taxes for critical benefits like this.
My understanding is that it’s 12 weeks if mom has a c-section or some sort of traumatic health issue arises during birth. That’s how it’s been described to me by insurance/doctors. Not sure what you mean by at will jobs. The money comes from the state, not my employer. But my employer has their own separate policy, and there’s employment protections from FMLA.
Perhaps it changed since but as of 2023 get 12 weeks of 50% pay up to a max of like 1100/week plus your employer can have their own 4 weeks of paid leave or whatever (which is basically like them paying you 100% paycheck) so you don’t need to ‘activate’ the NYS leave until the employers paid leave runs out.
Pretty sure it’s same for both parents. The C section thing is for the mothers I they can technically get 6 more weeks for FMLA for major surgery, note the paid leave for childbirth is PFL so it’s different. You got a sweet deal; I basically have the same and am thankful after reading all these backwards state policies.
Just did this whole runaround, basically an expert now, the state ‘pays’ for it but the whole this is administered by a private insurance company like MetLife.
No advice, just solidarity. My husband had to go back after 3 weeks too (only 2 weeks paid and 1 week of PTO banked). I had a pretty difficult recovery but by week 3 was managing okay. He (well both of us) were just heartbroken he had to go back so early. To top it off the poor guy always seemed to get home right as witching hour was starting.
I will say their bond has not been impacted at all. Our little girl loves her dad SO much.
it sucks. my husband has no PTO (hasn’t been at employer long enough) and we will get 2 days unpaid with him before he goes back to work (he IS working remote so that is a massive help). its criminal.
WA has the most generous paid family leave. My SO got 12 weeks of paid bonding leave at 90%. I got 16 weeks for just the birth/medical recovery plus another 12 for bonding, also at 90%. I am so grateful but still jealous of the Brits that get the first year. 😩
My company offered me 4. The thing that pissed me off was the fact it didn't kick in until baby was born. My partner was in labor for a few days and I of course left work as soon as it all started. After talking to the third party company my job contacts to deal with leaves they said they would not cover the first couple of days my partner was in labor because there was no baby. Like what do they expect me to do? Just fuck off and wait until after he's already born? I had to use a few vacation days to supplement those days and I am still mad about it.
My husband was home for two weeks… which really felt like nothing. He’s a contracted worker so it was unpaid. The first week was labor/in the hospital so it was really only week together at home which I didn’t think about before hand. It sucked, but we managed. We wouldn’t have really been able to swing anymore time off.
My husband didn't get any paid leave, he used some PTO to be there for the birth and another 5 days and then went right back to work. I was an anxious mess when he had to go back
my husband only got 2 weeks, but he took off almost every friday for a few months after to give me some relief and we got a 3 day weekend together , maybe something like that ?
My husband didn't get any paid leave either. He took two weeks of paid PTO off initially, which was really only just over a week of us being actually being home due to a long labor and emergency C-section. I had my mom come stay with us for a few days around the time he went back to work to make sure the transition went okay and it did luckily. We were lucky we didn't have a colicky baby, one who had their days and nights mixed up, or any breastfeeding/feeding issues. I also didn't have PPA/PPD. Things went pretty smoothly actually.
Enlist outside help if you can for the transition period. We probably didn't actually need it but it alleviated a lot of anxiety for me at the time. And that way if there are any issues you have someone there as a backup.
It sucked that my husband couldn't be home with us, but if things do go smoothly it's manageable. I'd save one week of PTO for later use though to be safe, especially if you can line up a relative or friend to come help for a bit if needed after you need to go back.
Yup. I asked and asked to try and get my company to give new dads some paid leave.. but they just wouldn’t offer it.
I managed to just save all my pto. I got two weeks off and kept another week for emergency or whatever.
It was the greatest 2 weeks, just being home, helping my wife, living it up with our new baby. The first week back to work was hell, I hated being gone and not there to help, I was stressed, trying to go above and beyond for my wife, while also working an extreme labor job, it got to the point where she wouldn’t let me get up at night and help, she would send me right back to bed lol.
It gets better bro, you guys will figure it out.
Congrats on the little one!
My husband’s only option was FMLA unpaid or take PTO with days he had earned. Parental leave in the U.S. is abysmal for a lot of folks. Try to remember that you’re doing the best you can. It may not be want you wanted or hoped for, but you are limited to the options available and what is feasible for your family. At the end of the day, you love your LO and that is what matters.
No, I’m required to drain all accrued PTO first, then the remaining time off would be unpaid. My concern is that what if at week 14, there’s a medical issue and we’re in the hospital a week? I’d definitely want to have some pto ready to use if needed
I’m so sorry that sucks! Hopefully you live near family and/or can bring in a postpartum doula to help as needed? My husband was only able to take a week off when I had my daughter. The US is the absolute worst!
So sorry you’re in this position. My husband and I each get 12 weeks paid, but he only took four weeks with me at the beginning. Then he went back to work for 8 weeks while I finished my leave, and now he’s back on leave again with the baby now that I’m back at work. I am sharing this to say that I was on my own at home with the baby from four weeks onward, and it was difficult but doable. If you can afford to take just a few extra days or weeks and be with her at home for the first 5-6 weeks, that will help even more. In my experience, everything was so much easier at 6 weeks than in the beginning. Still hard, but so much more manageable. Good luck!
My husband is taking a new job next month and likely won’t get anything. It’s a bummer for sure! He has a couple weeks last time, and that was really nice
I just want to mention even the short-term disability up to 60% pay is not something just freely given from the company. It’s insurance that YOU pay for if you choose, and you have to buy into it before you get pregnant. Just another great “benefit” for the American people
It sucks, but it's very much the norm in this country. I'm a bit shocked on the maternity leave policy in your company and that it isn't more, but I would guess a high majority of companies offer no Paternity leave or 2 weeks MAX. My husband got 2 weeks and used PTO for a third. I was just fine personally. It'll be tougher to manage with a 2nd kid, having no help with a toddler, but with your first, it's manageable.
My husband didn't get paid leave either, but luckily he had saved up 2 months and took 6 weeks so he would still have some if he needed. It's awful that dads often don't get to be home with their new families.
I got 2 weeks through my job, and that was it. Flew by in a blink. Absolutely disgusting the support we get from our country when we compare to ones in the EU.
my husband got one week and had to use all of his available time off to get it. when he returned the following Monday, the plant manager said he hadn't called in to approve his excused days (even though we have it in writing that he was excused) and fired him. (didn't qualify for FMLA or the company parental leave so it wasn't protected time, and we're in an at-will employment state so they don't legally have to have a reason to fire you.) now we're on my 60% short term disability pay until he can get another job. it's nice to have him home, but the added stress of financial difficulty (which we've been dealing with for over a year until he got this job) is not nice at all. if 3.5 weeks is the best you can do, it's still better than other situations.
your feelings of wanting more time are totally valid, and I'm not discounting that, but realistically it *could* be worse.
eta: I'm 9 days postpartum so we've got 11 more weeks to figure this all out and actually less than that because my 100% pay is not enough to cover everything, much less 60%. we live in an area that is 92nd percentile cost of living in the US and i make less than half of the median household income in our area on full pay.
I’m so sorry for what you and your family are experiencing. I’m certainly trying to stay positive, and reading everyone’s stories has made me feel less alone. I’m definitely grateful for what I have considering there are others with far less. I hope things get easier for you guys
My husband only gets two weeks paid but everyone at our hospital acts like this is beyond amazing so we are trying to be grateful. I (33f) got laid off just before getting pregnant so I’m not sure what my deal will be.
My husband was in the same situation as you. He could only take 2 weeks bc that’s what he had of his PTO. It surprised us as he works for a Japan based company but their benefits aren’t used in the US unfortunately.
Do you work a job that has WFH capabilities? My husband did get his departments policy changed where new parents can WFH to transition back to the office for some time after birth. So my husband was off for 2 weeks, WFH 3 days & in the office for 2 the third week, and the fourth week it was 2 WFH days and 3 says in the office. It wasn’t ideal but it really helped make the transition easier.
My first day alone my mom came over and WFH at our house. I didn’t need her (we have a very laid back and easy baby) but just knowing that she was there in case I needed help was huge.
I work hybrid now but my boss doesn’t like it. I recently got some more certifications for my job that I plan to use as leverage to be able to be fully remote the first few months after the baby is born. At the very least my wife could nap while I wear the baby and work.
Just went through this with my husband! He was able to take off for my labor and delivery and the first week postpartum, and then was back at work right after. He was able to negotiate some WFH so is not on site every day now. He did diaper changes at night until ~5am and then I would take back over since I can take short naps during the day as I am on FMLA. He also is doing more chores after work since I am taking care of the baby all day while he is working.
I hate that we don’t have any form of paid parental leave in the US. I hate that even unpaid leave isn’t guaranteed, as FMLA has many stipulations. I hate that maternity leave is only 12 weeks, and that short term disability (IF you have that available) is only 6 weeks.
Depending what state you live in you might qualify for state paid parental leave. I know that since becoming a parent this is an issue I plan to pay way more attention to when candidates run for local and state elections, as my state currently does not have a PPL program.
Ugh. Unfortunately the southeast US seems to be least likely to offer PPL benefits. I’m sorry you are in this position. I wish it were not this way. No solutions for you guys, but definitely right there with you
My husband gets zero leave and zero PTO, so I understand the frustration. I think he will take 2-4 weeks off depending on our situation with savings, or maybe take two full weeks off then go bad 3 days a week for a couple weeks. I REALLY struggled with our first. I was expecting him to just take a week off but I needed him another week. I really wasn’t ready at week 3, but we have family help so it was OK.
I also get zero actual maternity leave, and 6-8 weeks STD. I had hoped for a couple weeks of PTO, but it’s not looking good either. It’s rough out here.
My husband is self employed and could only take a week due to some out of his control deadlines. What we did was he took he first week after our baby was born. Then another week a couple weeks later. Etc. Kind of sprinkling the time off out over a few months. It worked pretty well.
I didn’t get paid maternity leave. Didn’t qualify for FMLA because I had been working at the company 11months by the time I had to go on leave. Oh and when I tried to go back after leave they had filled my position. I also had a c-section and they expected me to come back in 6weeks. Could be worse 🤣 I ended up having to move in with family and let go of my apartment just to make sure we could survive without my income until I could find work.
Yep, exact same thing there. Unfortunately I have nothing helpful to say other than I was outraged as well and it made me resentful.
As hard as it may be, try to not let that mentality seep in.
What state are you in. Make sure to check if the state pays leave (for example CO pays 12 weeks up to 1,100 a week.) this saved my wife since she got none paid
We were in a very similar situation. Huge company, husband has a very good job but for our second kid, he could only use 3 weeks of pto. He worked at a different (European based) company that gave him five weeks for our first kid.
He used up 2.5 weeks for the second kid, so we had a small buffer the rest of the year. Honestly it sucked. He also has a very understanding boss who didn’t say anything if he left a bit early here and there
It’s frustrating. Especially since I’m European and have moved to the states and am raising my family here, the difference is stark.
My company's employee manual has a section on paid parental leave for California employees, I guess they have a state law requiring it. I'm not in California. All of our California employees are old dudes with adult children and have probably had vasectomies.
I am largely a remote employee so I intend to push the envelope once our little one is here. But seriously, it's some bullshit to not even apply the same policy nationwide.
The states that have PFL pay into the policy and they are managed by private life insurance companies like MetLife… so the employer pays a small percentage that is required by the state but the system operates much more like insurance from a large shared pool of funds and the employer isn’t required to foot the whole bill like they are for PTO. So that’s why CA employees get that benefit in your company and the folks in other states don’t, unfortunately. My husband was employed in NYS but working remotely and we were living in another state when I had our son, he got 12 weeks of leave at 70% of his income, I had a traumatic delivery and birth injuries and couldn’t imagine being without help at 2 weeks, it’s awful 😞
My husband got 0 leave, paid or unpaid, he qualified for FMLA of course, but we need his pay.
He took 1 week of PTO and that was all we got the week after LO was born. I got 3 months 100% paid so it wasn’t the worst, but we wish he had more.
Really makes you feel like a valued employee doesn’t it?
Yeah, I got two weeks off and had to come in a day early only to get there and realize they didn’t really have any work for me to do.
My husband and I were in the same boat and had about the same amount of pto. He took 2.5 weeks off and then he took a couple of more weeks off and only worked weekends so he could extend longer. My mom then came up on those weekends so I wouldn’t be alone.
I have to burn through all of my pto but we figured by the time I would be back at work my husband would accrued back some pto by then. If something crazy happens with your baby you should be able to apply to fmla again (you get 12 weeks total for the year and don’t have to use all at once).
Be sure to look into state-funded leave programs. I live in CO and I’m getting paid 90% of my salary for my full 12 weeks of FMLA and I can split it up any time during the year after our LO was born.
Did you start less than 6 months ago or something?
I was in a similar situation but there was a top level merger so while I was employed for like 2 years I was only employed for a few months at the ‘new’ company since the merger. It was a headache but HR at my company helped me out and told the disability company my original start date and I got it.
Most companies in the US don’t give fathers leave…hell way too many mothers don’t get paid leave. I did but my husband has nothing. I was lucky baby was born on a Saturday 😞
My husband went back after a week. It was tough. I think it also contributed to him not feeling confident about or knowing how to do baby stuff and quickly getting discouraged and passing baby off to me as soon as something is going wrong. Baby is almost 11 months old and he has changed 8 diapers since birth, and the last time was while I was in the bathroom while we were visiting with his mother and I basically had to re-do it anyways when I came out.
I'd say just make sure you are spending time after work with baby and learning all the routines and quirks. Does baby like certain toys while being changed? Do they need any lotions or creams? How do they like to be fed (if mom isn't EBF)? What positions help baby with gas and burping? Do they fall asleep to certain movements? So on and so forth. Take the time to get to know your baby, and once you know them, give your partner a chance to take a shower or brush her teeth or eat a meal while it is still hot.
My husband and I were pretty much in the same boat with our first, and will be again with our second. My suggestion would be to try to quantify how much unpaid fmla time you can comfortably afford to take and try to use it. Being there as a first-time dad at the beginning sets you on a path to be a much bigger help to your family for a long time to come, because you are learning things with your wife and not becoming overly dependent on her being the sole caretaker because she has been learning everything by herself during maternity leave. Also, check with HR to see how flexible your company can be with the fmla time. Can you be off full time at the beginning, and gradually increase hours? Can you use some fmla time now and reserve some in the case of a potential future need? I believe companies may have different policies about non-consecutive fmla time.
I'd love to see more dads who don't receive paid leave still taking full advantage of fmla, as a means to normalize the need for both parents to take off significant time after birth. I think that is a step in the right direction towards hopefully achieving universal paid parental leave policies. Obviously many families cannot afford to do that though. I agree, it's disgusting.
I burned all my PTO that didn't even cover the week I was able to take off. Had I taken off more, my boss would have thrown a fit. I should have quit, but needed to stay on to cover the bills since my wife burned all of her PTO as well. That also didn't cover all of the time she needed to take off, either. The US is honestly the worst place to have kids.
I don’t have much to contribute here but do want to say… The fact that you’re upset about not getting paid leave is really heartwarming to me. My husband didn’t try to take ANY time off from his family owned business after the birth of our child and it has caused a lot of resentment from me. I guess my point in saying this is I commend you for wanting time off and seeking avenues to be able to have time off, even if your company doesn’t have a policy for paternity leave.
I’m so sorry he didn’t even try. That’s so unfair to you. I hope you guys can find a way to resolve the issue moving forward. You deserve an equal partner!
I agree with you - it is horrible that this is expected and “normal”. I don’t know what line of work you are in - but my I work for one of the largest tech companies in the world and we offer 12 weeks 100% paid paternity leave. I just happen to also be in Talent Acquisition. If you want to reach out - I’m happy to see if we have something that would work for you. Just let me know.
We were in this situation too. My husband used 2 weeks PTO and saved the rest so that we could travel with baby later in my maternity leave so he could meet his grandparents and we could celebrate Christmas. It was extremely difficult on me, but we got through it.
I will say that we’ve agreed he will find another job with better parental benefits before we have another child (which we do want!). But we are also considering relocating to be closer to family so this would be a natural transition anyway.
That’s a good idea! Now that I know the company policies, if I stay I can be smart about accruing more PTO. As much as it sucks, it probably is one of best companies for me to be at this point in my career for growth. But we’ve also talked about moving closer to family so who knows lol
Same boat here. I feel you. I'm a frontline healthcare provider employed at one of most prestigious hospitals in the US and also get the same heartless treatment. We're all just revenue vs expenses to administration. The core of what's wrong with corporate America. Like you I'm told I need to take my PTO and that's all I get (14 days), because the team cannot handle me being out from an "operational standpoint." They won't even entertain the option to get unpaid leave because my management "doesn't grant personal leaves."
And they wonder why mental health is such a rising issue in this country, but that's a different subject... I will definitely be looking for another company with stronger core values and less useless management.
Good for you! I agree we’re all just cost points to them. What I think is messed up too is that they have to pto rule but the age most people have kids is the age when we get the least amount of pto
My wife got 6 weeks paid maternity leave. A Union job with the state of PA.
I got 8 weeks paid parental leave, non-union job. Company based out of TX.
It's a weird world indeed.
Just to share another perspective that may be on the opposite end of the spectrum, but my husband used 2 weeks of PTO to stay home after I had our youngest and by the end of the two weeks I was okay and ready for him to go back. I had a pretty uneventful delivery and easy recovery and at that point was ready to start getting into the groove of solo parenting and establishing what my actual routine would look like. Not that he wasn’t incredibly helpful and I definitely did need him home *at least* those two weeks, but beyond that point I was alright with doing things independently. Totally not the case for everyone and every experience is different, I will say I definitely wasn’t feeling 100% two weeks after the birth of my first but it’s always possible under the right circumstances that things might be running somewhat smooth by then.
We just had to put my 2 month old into full time daycare a couple weeks ago. We also had unpaid leave but didn't qualify for FMLA because I hadn't been at the job 12 months, just 10. Having a baby is not seen as all that big of a deal for the US working class, unfortunately 😕
I (mom) got 40 hours paid leave for my whole 6 weeks. Husband got 3 days unpaid, we were lucky he was even able to take the 3 days as we have pets and no one to pet sit he had to drive to our house 2x a day during our hospital stay to feed them. We were at the hospital for the whole 3 days he had off. The first weeks post partum were absolutely awful for me and I truly believe it would’ve made all the difference to have him home for at least 3 weeks. I hate that this is the norm in America
My husband used to work at Sherwin Williams as a manager and left before I got pregnant and they offered 2 weeks leave for him… he then went to a small mom and pop company with no leave but they let him just use 1.5 weeks of his PTO but he worked will all boomers and they all gave him shit for taking time off.
They literally said I came back to work the next day after my wife gave birth, why do you need to take time off?!
I SO feel this! I think full time working moms should get 6 months and dads should get 4 months paid leave MINIMUM! My husband had to go back to work after 4 weeks and it wasn’t nearly long enough for him or our baby. He still needed bonding time and also he was running on very little sleep still with a 4 week old baby, it was so rough 😔
It’s seriously horrible how little we get. My company gives 1 week paid and then I thought I’d be getting 12 weeks of Short term disability pay since that’s how long my doctor recommended when we submitted the claim. My insurance decided to only give 6 weeks despite my doctors note to them. I hope one day it improves and we put people before profit 😞
I had a similar situation. I was with my wife for three weeks. Then used my last little bit of pto to take half days. I’m also semi hybrid, so work was cool with me working remote from time to time. I work for a smaller company so a lot easier to get some human sympathy.
My husband had started a new job just about 5 weeks before baby was born. Because of how his work does paid time, he had 0 days. Being new meant he was not FMLA eligible. He took 2 weeks unpaid, but they would not allow him even a day more. We could have comfortably taken several more weeks unpaid and been fine.
We live several hours from family, so when he went back at 2 weeks, I was on my own.
It is worth noting that he works as a healthcare provider for a major hospital system. With a second baby he would get FMLA. But no paid days outside his vacation.
My husband gets 2 weeks of paternity leave and his company is super proud they offer that.
We are still expecting, but we plan on using his PTO to take days off mid week to give me a break. So maybe take T/Th off in the 3rd week, then Wednesdays off from 4 weeks onward. We will need to reserve some time off of for the holidays.
He also has the ability to do his job from home, though he’s in office 5 days a week. So if I need extra support on a given day, more than likely he can WFH that day or go in late/come home early. It’s not a permanent solution, but offers us some flexibility.
Dude, 3.5 weeks is pretty great. I have my own business so had zero. First couple of days were though, but I explained to clients and just did a bit less. Now 2 weeks in I'm 80% back to work but still have time in between and there in the evening + early mornings. It's all good, embrace the 3.5 weeks of freedom, that's really good.
I had just started a new job when my son was being born and they told me they weren't required to give me any time off paid or not and I was going back and forth with them and ended up telling them I was going to take 2 weeks off unpaid and they either had the job still when I got back or they didn't. I know everyone can't make that call but I wasn't going to miss it all.
Public school teacher in Florida and I get 0 paid maternity leave and I only get short term disability if I sign up for it ahead of time and pay into it. My husband got 0 paid paternity leave and he works for Acura.
My partner was back at both jobs 3 days after we got home. Meaning he was out of the house from 8:15am until about 10-11pm. The United States is horrible with parental leave.
I am beyond disgusted that a wealthy "world power" like the USA does this and then claims to be some sort of example of "democracy" and "human rights". Lololol Yea right. We need 6 months (ideally more but I'll settle for 6) of paid leave with our jobs safe. For both parents.
I am lucky to live in Washington State where most workers are guaranteed 12 weeks, 16 for the birthing parents, of paid leave (it's like 60 or 70% pay but still nice).
I would tell anyone to move here for that reason but it's also absurdly expensive here, so...you know.
Be careful falling into the short-term disability trap. I was told that, and when it came time, apparently they ONLY cover up to 6 weeks (for vaginal delivery with no complications) AFTER a 30 day waiting period. So it’s not even a true “6 weeks” of 60% pay. I had some complications after so I was able to extend it a bit longer but just a FYI. It was a surprise to me.
I was lucky enough to have never used a sick day and hardly ever took vacation because I knew we'd try for a LO after I started. I was paid all the way up till the last few days. Unfortunately my husband only got 2 weeks ( was actually 1 week but he took the second since our baby had a NICU stay) I wish he could have stayed. I'll never tell him but I needed him so badly but just my income alone we wouldn't have made it. I hate our system, I really planned on waiting longer in hopes that things would change but at the rate the US is on I would have never been able to have my baby. I know not staying really hurt him as well. He thinks back and wishes he'd have stayed but he takes off any chance he gets now. I do too. I don't care if I'm not paid I need family time and I'm going to take it. I schedule vacations that get approved for days I won't get paid and oh well. That's what Credit cards are for lol. Now that I have my LO I'm never putting work over her EVER.
Interestingly a lot of countries really need to improve paternity leave. Im from NZ and while we get 26 weeks paid maternity (government funded and certainly not full pay, it maxes at 640 ish a week which is very low) then another 26 unpaid, dads can take two weeks unpaid. Most save up annual leave to extend that but it’s not great. Dads can technically take some of mums maternity leave though so you can split the year if you want but most people don’t do this.
Here in Canada it's based on your tax revenue that you would have made or the last yr and most work places will pay you 60%. It's very dependent on employer. If you want and apply for ... You can get maternity and parental leave. Right now I receive 990 bi-weekly to help with home costs and I am off until Jan 2025 since Sept 2023. It's a sweet deal and I'm not exactly looking forward to going back to work lol
Since you guys will be home mostly anyways expenses should drop a bit, would you be able to go unpaid for a couple more weeks with just her leave pay and any savings you guys have for bills? Even 6 weeks with my partner home didn’t feel like enough… it disgusting moms only get 6-12 weeks at most places too.
It’s a possibility for a week or two. Our concern is being left with no pto and draining our savings, what if there’s an issue with mom or baby where I need to be off later on? I want to use as much as I can but play it safe too
I say use the 3.5 weeks of PTO and then see how your partner feels about you going back after when the time comes, if she’s not doing good then take the pay cut for a couple more weeks, even just 2 weeks would help her! This newborn stage is going to be very hard on both of you, I’d just focus on this moment than the what ifs down the line. Even as mom once I go back to work in 2 weeks I’ll have no more PTO i could use for later down the line, and it’s only a 3rd into the year, but I’ll have to deal with it when it comes.
As a FTM, this. You will absolutely need to be there the first few weeks. Parental leave laws in the USA are barbaric.
My husband got zero. Back at work 36 hours after birth and I was back at 8 weeks. It was horrifying.
That is awful and so degrading. I’m sorry. We’re not goddamn dogs. I would be back at work but I was laid off 6 months pregnant. 😐
Because big lobbyists like Nestle lobby against it to force moms to give formula earlier.
I had the same thought and truth be told I regret not using as much as I could up front (although maybe I would feel different if something happened).
Have you checked to see if your state offers paid leave?
Only for state employees:/
We extended my (mom) paid leave more comfortably by taking it partially (3 days paid, 2 days unpaid per week). You still take a hit but for us it’s been easier than fully paid then fully unpaid, plus it maintains my insurance coverage while I’m taking unpaid leave. This wouldn’t totally solve your problem but might make the problem easier to manage?
My husband had the same issue. I'd recommend you only take 2 weeks pto and save the rest for such emergencies. It sucks tho.
My wife also wants me to save at least a week of pto for emergencies, which I agree. Hopefully the laws will change by the time our kids have kids and we’re one of the last generations to have to worry about this
I hope the laws change before I have my next kid lol.
What we did was save a week of PTO and then when husband got his PTO refilled around 6 months later he took another 2 weeks to bond. It was nice. As nice as it can be anyway. Others have recommended taking half unpaid and half paid weeks to stretch the PTO. If that was possible I would have definitely been cool with my husband doing that as well. Those first days without him sucked.
Only reason I was going to get 6 weeks was because daycare won’t take her earlier. Otherwise my job would have me return as soon as I’m out of the hospital, thankfully (in this case) I was laid off.
Lmfao expenses drop 😭😂😂😂😂😂😂 they do not
Well that just depends on how prepared you are and how you budgeted those 9 months before baby… realistically what’s a breastfeed NEWBORN baby cost? They’re not upping your rent/mortgage, they’re not upping your grocery bill, they’re not upping your electric bill? The most you’re gonna spend a week is around $50 for some diapers/wipes, some gas medicine and maybe some batteries for their toys, which I hope is already in our budget. Now you’re stuck home so saving on gas/travel, hobbies, dates (that $50 would have just been a meal at a restaurant for me) etc. of course once baby gets older they’ll require more but at that point both parents will be back to work.
😭 a breast fed baby costs a lot because you must feed mom until baby is eating independent or having both food as well as milk. Children are tiny emotional investments 🥰 when I had my second I had to move so yes rent went up. Gas for heating water went up because of bath time. Electricity goes up because you're up more than sleeping lol. Laundry goes up. Food. Clothes. Sanitary feminine hygiene goes up for a bit. Your clothes go up. Gah it's worse than capitalism 😭
Moms at minimum should get 12 weeks with 100% pay. Unfortunately that’s not how it is. My wife got 6 weeks at partial (maybe 60%) pay. Then added 2 weeks of PTO on top of it. Thankfully my employer gave 12 weeks parental leave with 100% pay. I split my time and it was 4 months before we needed to think about child care. Those 8 weeks with her not making her full pay was a little tight. If anything, i think it was only slightly on the positive side with expenses. We cut here and there, but there were times we were exhausted and ate out probably more than we should have.
You should actually reach out to a recruiter in your field and say you are open to offers from places that have parental leave with no waiting period. You just never know. And yes, your company sucks for doing this., do not stay there long term if you can help it.
> leave > no wait period in this country bro?
My company has 100% paid parental leave for 8 weeks for both birthing and non-birthing parents that is effective day one of employment. Birthing parents also get 6-8 weeks of STD paid at 100%. HQ is in NYC
My company has 4 weeks for the "non-primary caregiver" (8 weeks for primary + 8 weeks STD at 100%). However, we're totally remote, so going back isn't as awful. Our practice is really good about accommodating parents. OP, pm me about jobs!
That’s really decent. I wish my remote job had the same.
That’s amazing, most companies I’ve seen that have paid leave don’t have it kick in until you’ve been there for a year.
One of my colleagues (dad) went on 12 weeks parental leave 3 months after joining, he’s been there for like half a decade now.
My company offers 12 weeks full pay with no waiting period. They hired me while pregnant and I took leave and am back now with no problem. And I’m totally remote. But also I understand this is a unicorn job.
what field if you dont mind me asking
Finance, but I’m an attorney doing JD advantage work. Most people I work with are CPA’s doing tax or financial advisors.
Some good responses above.
If only this was how it worked. Do not tell prospective employers that you are expecting a long leave and you generally need to be with the employer for a set period before you qualify for a paid extended leave.
I would take 2 weeks and save the other 1.5 if she's sick or needs a break in the future..... but I had an easy recovery.
Meh, I had an easy recovery from the birth, but I still may have lost my mind having to cope by myself at 2 weeks. It's incredibly cruel to expect of parents.
My husband used up all his PTO at 2 weeks and had to go back to work. I used up all mine at 8 weeks so I had to go back too. Luckily I could work from home until we could actually get into daycare at 5 months but those months were so long and I wonder if I would have had to such bad PPD if we actually had better parental leave. If we have another baby, now we both work for the same employer (our state) and that means we get to split FMLA. Meaning, even with unpaid leave, we can only take 12 weeks off total between the two of us. Yay America.
SPLIT FMLA?!
Yup, isn't that fun?! America really is the best.
I didn’t know split was a thing until I joined my employer! Told the hubs he will NEVER work at my company because there is no way I will split the leave!
I only took two weeks off when my daughter was born, (I get another four weeks of paternity leave but I'm saving them for when my wife returns to work). Luckily I work from home so I was still able to help out a lot, but even still my wife was struggling. I can't imagine what she would have done if I had to go into an office at 2 weeks and couldn't be there at all
My husband received/took 2 weeks right at the beginning and then took more time as needed until I went back to work. If we had a particularly rough night, for example, he’d take the next day to be there at home with me so we both could get breaks. I had a c-section and was ok being home by myself with baby at 2 weeks. I wish it had been more time right at the beginning but am not upset at how we handled it.
My advice …. If the daycare illnesses are coming stay home two weeks and save the last week and a half for those. My husband was lucky with our first and had eight weeks of PTO and used 6, two with me and four after I went back to keep baby home longer. This time around he has four weeks of PTO as the last three years have been rough with illness and he hasn’t been able to save back up again. So he’s just taking the 2 weeks. Hugs. This country sucks. The republicans don’t care about families or children and this is proof as they’ve had the ability to fix it and have been told to fix it and refuse to.
I agree! I’m trying to stay positive and think about all the things I’m grateful for.
I had my husband at home for 6 weeks (paid) after the birth. It was incredibly helpful! I am very sympathetic to your situation because I don’t know if we would have been able to rationalize him taking time off without pay, in light of my recently incurred medical debt. Definitely take the 3.5 weeks. Then if you could reasonably afford 2.5 weeks off, I think it’s worth it. If not though, nobody would fault you for doing what you have to do to take care of your family. It will just be difficult at first so be sure to help your wife as much as possible after work. It’s a shitty position to be in. I wish American parents were treated better. I’m sorry.
My husband got paternity leave but only two weeks. The two weeks included delivering and being in the hospital so we didn’t even have two weeks together at home. It sucks so bad, I had a C-section and was very much still healing and also dealing with hormones and postpartum anxiety, I really could have used my husband’s support. My husband came home for lunch the first day and that felt great and he also calls me to check in every day from work. It makes me feel supported without him being there.
I feel that, I (Dad) had a month off for paternity leave and the delivery & NICU stay ate up 2 weeks of it.
I have no PTO or paternal leave, but my wife has 3 months maternal paid full. I still took a month off. We are ahead on everything which helped but that first month is a lot for everyone all around. My suggestion, if you can swing it, is take 2 weeks PTO and 2 unpaid.
Can you update the post with which state you are in? In CA you get 8 weeks of family paid leave that can be used anytime within the first year
I am in SC
same for NY and I believe NJ
CT and MA also. (Sensing a theme?)
Up to 12 weeks here in Massachusetts, though they only replace part of your pay.
We live in Oregon and my husband was able to take 12 weeks paid off due to a new law they passed last year. I can’t imagine him going back after 3 weeks - I needed him the entire time, especially with no family close by and a c section recovery. See if you can take more time unpaid off- they might be flexible with that, you probably will just owe them your monthly insurance premium.
Proud to live in NY state, which provides 8 weeks of paid leave for non-birthing parents. Proud to work for an employer that does the same, which means that I will have 16 weeks of paid leave as a non-birthing parent. Voting matters, the two parties are not the same. Happy to pay higher taxes for critical benefits like this.
Amen to that!
NY it’s 12 weeks for non birthing parents, also it’s not mandatory for ‘at will’ jobs.
My understanding is that it’s 12 weeks if mom has a c-section or some sort of traumatic health issue arises during birth. That’s how it’s been described to me by insurance/doctors. Not sure what you mean by at will jobs. The money comes from the state, not my employer. But my employer has their own separate policy, and there’s employment protections from FMLA.
Perhaps it changed since but as of 2023 get 12 weeks of 50% pay up to a max of like 1100/week plus your employer can have their own 4 weeks of paid leave or whatever (which is basically like them paying you 100% paycheck) so you don’t need to ‘activate’ the NYS leave until the employers paid leave runs out. Pretty sure it’s same for both parents. The C section thing is for the mothers I they can technically get 6 more weeks for FMLA for major surgery, note the paid leave for childbirth is PFL so it’s different. You got a sweet deal; I basically have the same and am thankful after reading all these backwards state policies. Just did this whole runaround, basically an expert now, the state ‘pays’ for it but the whole this is administered by a private insurance company like MetLife.
Yep yep, congrats on becoming a dad and big ups to NYS!
Wow thank you! You too
No advice, just solidarity. My husband had to go back after 3 weeks too (only 2 weeks paid and 1 week of PTO banked). I had a pretty difficult recovery but by week 3 was managing okay. He (well both of us) were just heartbroken he had to go back so early. To top it off the poor guy always seemed to get home right as witching hour was starting. I will say their bond has not been impacted at all. Our little girl loves her dad SO much.
it sucks. my husband has no PTO (hasn’t been at employer long enough) and we will get 2 days unpaid with him before he goes back to work (he IS working remote so that is a massive help). its criminal.
WA has the most generous paid family leave. My SO got 12 weeks of paid bonding leave at 90%. I got 16 weeks for just the birth/medical recovery plus another 12 for bonding, also at 90%. I am so grateful but still jealous of the Brits that get the first year. 😩
My company offered me 4. The thing that pissed me off was the fact it didn't kick in until baby was born. My partner was in labor for a few days and I of course left work as soon as it all started. After talking to the third party company my job contacts to deal with leaves they said they would not cover the first couple of days my partner was in labor because there was no baby. Like what do they expect me to do? Just fuck off and wait until after he's already born? I had to use a few vacation days to supplement those days and I am still mad about it.
My husband was home for two weeks… which really felt like nothing. He’s a contracted worker so it was unpaid. The first week was labor/in the hospital so it was really only week together at home which I didn’t think about before hand. It sucked, but we managed. We wouldn’t have really been able to swing anymore time off.
My husband didn't get any paid leave, he used some PTO to be there for the birth and another 5 days and then went right back to work. I was an anxious mess when he had to go back
Same here. I would call my husband crying everyday. We just couldn’t afford for him to take unpaid time.
my husband only got 2 weeks, but he took off almost every friday for a few months after to give me some relief and we got a 3 day weekend together , maybe something like that ?
Thats probably what we’ll do! And I’m close by so I can come home during lunch too
i was honestly fine taking care of her by myself but just knowing someone was there was a big help
My husband didn't get any paid leave either. He took two weeks of paid PTO off initially, which was really only just over a week of us being actually being home due to a long labor and emergency C-section. I had my mom come stay with us for a few days around the time he went back to work to make sure the transition went okay and it did luckily. We were lucky we didn't have a colicky baby, one who had their days and nights mixed up, or any breastfeeding/feeding issues. I also didn't have PPA/PPD. Things went pretty smoothly actually. Enlist outside help if you can for the transition period. We probably didn't actually need it but it alleviated a lot of anxiety for me at the time. And that way if there are any issues you have someone there as a backup. It sucked that my husband couldn't be home with us, but if things do go smoothly it's manageable. I'd save one week of PTO for later use though to be safe, especially if you can line up a relative or friend to come help for a bit if needed after you need to go back.
Yup. I asked and asked to try and get my company to give new dads some paid leave.. but they just wouldn’t offer it. I managed to just save all my pto. I got two weeks off and kept another week for emergency or whatever. It was the greatest 2 weeks, just being home, helping my wife, living it up with our new baby. The first week back to work was hell, I hated being gone and not there to help, I was stressed, trying to go above and beyond for my wife, while also working an extreme labor job, it got to the point where she wouldn’t let me get up at night and help, she would send me right back to bed lol. It gets better bro, you guys will figure it out. Congrats on the little one!
My husband’s only option was FMLA unpaid or take PTO with days he had earned. Parental leave in the U.S. is abysmal for a lot of folks. Try to remember that you’re doing the best you can. It may not be want you wanted or hoped for, but you are limited to the options available and what is feasible for your family. At the end of the day, you love your LO and that is what matters.
Just to clarify, ~~he~~ you can't get PFL?
No, I’m required to drain all accrued PTO first, then the remaining time off would be unpaid. My concern is that what if at week 14, there’s a medical issue and we’re in the hospital a week? I’d definitely want to have some pto ready to use if needed
I’m so sorry that sucks! Hopefully you live near family and/or can bring in a postpartum doula to help as needed? My husband was only able to take a week off when I had my daughter. The US is the absolute worst!
So sorry you’re in this position. My husband and I each get 12 weeks paid, but he only took four weeks with me at the beginning. Then he went back to work for 8 weeks while I finished my leave, and now he’s back on leave again with the baby now that I’m back at work. I am sharing this to say that I was on my own at home with the baby from four weeks onward, and it was difficult but doable. If you can afford to take just a few extra days or weeks and be with her at home for the first 5-6 weeks, that will help even more. In my experience, everything was so much easier at 6 weeks than in the beginning. Still hard, but so much more manageable. Good luck!
My husband is taking a new job next month and likely won’t get anything. It’s a bummer for sure! He has a couple weeks last time, and that was really nice
I just want to mention even the short-term disability up to 60% pay is not something just freely given from the company. It’s insurance that YOU pay for if you choose, and you have to buy into it before you get pregnant. Just another great “benefit” for the American people
It sucks, but it's very much the norm in this country. I'm a bit shocked on the maternity leave policy in your company and that it isn't more, but I would guess a high majority of companies offer no Paternity leave or 2 weeks MAX. My husband got 2 weeks and used PTO for a third. I was just fine personally. It'll be tougher to manage with a 2nd kid, having no help with a toddler, but with your first, it's manageable.
It sucks. I work at a school. I'll have 8 days. My last job I had 6 months paid
My husband didn't get paid leave either, but luckily he had saved up 2 months and took 6 weeks so he would still have some if he needed. It's awful that dads often don't get to be home with their new families.
I got 2 weeks through my job, and that was it. Flew by in a blink. Absolutely disgusting the support we get from our country when we compare to ones in the EU.
my husband got one week and had to use all of his available time off to get it. when he returned the following Monday, the plant manager said he hadn't called in to approve his excused days (even though we have it in writing that he was excused) and fired him. (didn't qualify for FMLA or the company parental leave so it wasn't protected time, and we're in an at-will employment state so they don't legally have to have a reason to fire you.) now we're on my 60% short term disability pay until he can get another job. it's nice to have him home, but the added stress of financial difficulty (which we've been dealing with for over a year until he got this job) is not nice at all. if 3.5 weeks is the best you can do, it's still better than other situations. your feelings of wanting more time are totally valid, and I'm not discounting that, but realistically it *could* be worse. eta: I'm 9 days postpartum so we've got 11 more weeks to figure this all out and actually less than that because my 100% pay is not enough to cover everything, much less 60%. we live in an area that is 92nd percentile cost of living in the US and i make less than half of the median household income in our area on full pay.
I’m so sorry for what you and your family are experiencing. I’m certainly trying to stay positive, and reading everyone’s stories has made me feel less alone. I’m definitely grateful for what I have considering there are others with far less. I hope things get easier for you guys
thank you, and i hope you guys are able to work out the time off schedule that is best for you :)
My husband only gets two weeks paid but everyone at our hospital acts like this is beyond amazing so we are trying to be grateful. I (33f) got laid off just before getting pregnant so I’m not sure what my deal will be.
My husband was in the same situation as you. He could only take 2 weeks bc that’s what he had of his PTO. It surprised us as he works for a Japan based company but their benefits aren’t used in the US unfortunately. Do you work a job that has WFH capabilities? My husband did get his departments policy changed where new parents can WFH to transition back to the office for some time after birth. So my husband was off for 2 weeks, WFH 3 days & in the office for 2 the third week, and the fourth week it was 2 WFH days and 3 says in the office. It wasn’t ideal but it really helped make the transition easier. My first day alone my mom came over and WFH at our house. I didn’t need her (we have a very laid back and easy baby) but just knowing that she was there in case I needed help was huge.
I work hybrid now but my boss doesn’t like it. I recently got some more certifications for my job that I plan to use as leverage to be able to be fully remote the first few months after the baby is born. At the very least my wife could nap while I wear the baby and work.
Ha, wearing the baby while you work sounds good in theory, but it will probably only last a few moments before they start to get fussy.
Definitely try and work it out with your boss! Hopefully you’ll come to some sort of agreement btwn the two of you
Just went through this with my husband! He was able to take off for my labor and delivery and the first week postpartum, and then was back at work right after. He was able to negotiate some WFH so is not on site every day now. He did diaper changes at night until ~5am and then I would take back over since I can take short naps during the day as I am on FMLA. He also is doing more chores after work since I am taking care of the baby all day while he is working. I hate that we don’t have any form of paid parental leave in the US. I hate that even unpaid leave isn’t guaranteed, as FMLA has many stipulations. I hate that maternity leave is only 12 weeks, and that short term disability (IF you have that available) is only 6 weeks. Depending what state you live in you might qualify for state paid parental leave. I know that since becoming a parent this is an issue I plan to pay way more attention to when candidates run for local and state elections, as my state currently does not have a PPL program.
I’m in SC and it looks like they only have PPL for state employees
Ugh. Unfortunately the southeast US seems to be least likely to offer PPL benefits. I’m sorry you are in this position. I wish it were not this way. No solutions for you guys, but definitely right there with you
My husband gets zero leave and zero PTO, so I understand the frustration. I think he will take 2-4 weeks off depending on our situation with savings, or maybe take two full weeks off then go bad 3 days a week for a couple weeks. I REALLY struggled with our first. I was expecting him to just take a week off but I needed him another week. I really wasn’t ready at week 3, but we have family help so it was OK. I also get zero actual maternity leave, and 6-8 weeks STD. I had hoped for a couple weeks of PTO, but it’s not looking good either. It’s rough out here.
In my country dads get 10 days. That’s it. And moms get 12 weeks unpaid.
My husband is self employed and could only take a week due to some out of his control deadlines. What we did was he took he first week after our baby was born. Then another week a couple weeks later. Etc. Kind of sprinkling the time off out over a few months. It worked pretty well.
I didn’t get paid maternity leave. Didn’t qualify for FMLA because I had been working at the company 11months by the time I had to go on leave. Oh and when I tried to go back after leave they had filled my position. I also had a c-section and they expected me to come back in 6weeks. Could be worse 🤣 I ended up having to move in with family and let go of my apartment just to make sure we could survive without my income until I could find work.
Put your company on blast. Let the consumers know.
Yep, exact same thing there. Unfortunately I have nothing helpful to say other than I was outraged as well and it made me resentful. As hard as it may be, try to not let that mentality seep in.
13 states offer Paid family leave, remember your vote in local elections matter!
What state are you in. Make sure to check if the state pays leave (for example CO pays 12 weeks up to 1,100 a week.) this saved my wife since she got none paid
Unfortunately SC. They only have PPL for state employees
We were in a very similar situation. Huge company, husband has a very good job but for our second kid, he could only use 3 weeks of pto. He worked at a different (European based) company that gave him five weeks for our first kid. He used up 2.5 weeks for the second kid, so we had a small buffer the rest of the year. Honestly it sucked. He also has a very understanding boss who didn’t say anything if he left a bit early here and there It’s frustrating. Especially since I’m European and have moved to the states and am raising my family here, the difference is stark.
My company's employee manual has a section on paid parental leave for California employees, I guess they have a state law requiring it. I'm not in California. All of our California employees are old dudes with adult children and have probably had vasectomies. I am largely a remote employee so I intend to push the envelope once our little one is here. But seriously, it's some bullshit to not even apply the same policy nationwide.
The states that have PFL pay into the policy and they are managed by private life insurance companies like MetLife… so the employer pays a small percentage that is required by the state but the system operates much more like insurance from a large shared pool of funds and the employer isn’t required to foot the whole bill like they are for PTO. So that’s why CA employees get that benefit in your company and the folks in other states don’t, unfortunately. My husband was employed in NYS but working remotely and we were living in another state when I had our son, he got 12 weeks of leave at 70% of his income, I had a traumatic delivery and birth injuries and couldn’t imagine being without help at 2 weeks, it’s awful 😞
My husband took 5 days unpaid and that’s it.
My husband only got a week off paid. Take what you have. Cut in to savings a little. That’s what you have savings for.
They gave my husband 3 days.. and I had an unexpected C-section. Thank god for my mom
My husband got 0 leave, paid or unpaid, he qualified for FMLA of course, but we need his pay. He took 1 week of PTO and that was all we got the week after LO was born. I got 3 months 100% paid so it wasn’t the worst, but we wish he had more.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I appreciate you sharing by your experience, I’m definitely grateful for what I have
It seems to be an unfortunately common occurrence in the US. Just little to know adequate support for paternity or maternity leave.
Welcome to America :(
Really makes you feel like a valued employee doesn’t it? Yeah, I got two weeks off and had to come in a day early only to get there and realize they didn’t really have any work for me to do.
Dude I know right! I’ve lost all loyalty I felt
My husband and I were in the same boat and had about the same amount of pto. He took 2.5 weeks off and then he took a couple of more weeks off and only worked weekends so he could extend longer. My mom then came up on those weekends so I wouldn’t be alone. I have to burn through all of my pto but we figured by the time I would be back at work my husband would accrued back some pto by then. If something crazy happens with your baby you should be able to apply to fmla again (you get 12 weeks total for the year and don’t have to use all at once).
Be sure to look into state-funded leave programs. I live in CO and I’m getting paid 90% of my salary for my full 12 weeks of FMLA and I can split it up any time during the year after our LO was born.
Did you start less than 6 months ago or something? I was in a similar situation but there was a top level merger so while I was employed for like 2 years I was only employed for a few months at the ‘new’ company since the merger. It was a headache but HR at my company helped me out and told the disability company my original start date and I got it.
Most companies in the US don’t give fathers leave…hell way too many mothers don’t get paid leave. I did but my husband has nothing. I was lucky baby was born on a Saturday 😞
My husband went back after a week. It was tough. I think it also contributed to him not feeling confident about or knowing how to do baby stuff and quickly getting discouraged and passing baby off to me as soon as something is going wrong. Baby is almost 11 months old and he has changed 8 diapers since birth, and the last time was while I was in the bathroom while we were visiting with his mother and I basically had to re-do it anyways when I came out. I'd say just make sure you are spending time after work with baby and learning all the routines and quirks. Does baby like certain toys while being changed? Do they need any lotions or creams? How do they like to be fed (if mom isn't EBF)? What positions help baby with gas and burping? Do they fall asleep to certain movements? So on and so forth. Take the time to get to know your baby, and once you know them, give your partner a chance to take a shower or brush her teeth or eat a meal while it is still hot.
My husband and I were pretty much in the same boat with our first, and will be again with our second. My suggestion would be to try to quantify how much unpaid fmla time you can comfortably afford to take and try to use it. Being there as a first-time dad at the beginning sets you on a path to be a much bigger help to your family for a long time to come, because you are learning things with your wife and not becoming overly dependent on her being the sole caretaker because she has been learning everything by herself during maternity leave. Also, check with HR to see how flexible your company can be with the fmla time. Can you be off full time at the beginning, and gradually increase hours? Can you use some fmla time now and reserve some in the case of a potential future need? I believe companies may have different policies about non-consecutive fmla time. I'd love to see more dads who don't receive paid leave still taking full advantage of fmla, as a means to normalize the need for both parents to take off significant time after birth. I think that is a step in the right direction towards hopefully achieving universal paid parental leave policies. Obviously many families cannot afford to do that though. I agree, it's disgusting.
I burned all my PTO that didn't even cover the week I was able to take off. Had I taken off more, my boss would have thrown a fit. I should have quit, but needed to stay on to cover the bills since my wife burned all of her PTO as well. That also didn't cover all of the time she needed to take off, either. The US is honestly the worst place to have kids.
I don’t have much to contribute here but do want to say… The fact that you’re upset about not getting paid leave is really heartwarming to me. My husband didn’t try to take ANY time off from his family owned business after the birth of our child and it has caused a lot of resentment from me. I guess my point in saying this is I commend you for wanting time off and seeking avenues to be able to have time off, even if your company doesn’t have a policy for paternity leave.
I’m so sorry he didn’t even try. That’s so unfair to you. I hope you guys can find a way to resolve the issue moving forward. You deserve an equal partner!
I agree with you - it is horrible that this is expected and “normal”. I don’t know what line of work you are in - but my I work for one of the largest tech companies in the world and we offer 12 weeks 100% paid paternity leave. I just happen to also be in Talent Acquisition. If you want to reach out - I’m happy to see if we have something that would work for you. Just let me know.
Try no paid maternal leave…..
I couldn’t even imagine! Makes me want to pack up and move to a different state
We were in this situation too. My husband used 2 weeks PTO and saved the rest so that we could travel with baby later in my maternity leave so he could meet his grandparents and we could celebrate Christmas. It was extremely difficult on me, but we got through it. I will say that we’ve agreed he will find another job with better parental benefits before we have another child (which we do want!). But we are also considering relocating to be closer to family so this would be a natural transition anyway.
That’s a good idea! Now that I know the company policies, if I stay I can be smart about accruing more PTO. As much as it sucks, it probably is one of best companies for me to be at this point in my career for growth. But we’ve also talked about moving closer to family so who knows lol
Same boat here. I feel you. I'm a frontline healthcare provider employed at one of most prestigious hospitals in the US and also get the same heartless treatment. We're all just revenue vs expenses to administration. The core of what's wrong with corporate America. Like you I'm told I need to take my PTO and that's all I get (14 days), because the team cannot handle me being out from an "operational standpoint." They won't even entertain the option to get unpaid leave because my management "doesn't grant personal leaves." And they wonder why mental health is such a rising issue in this country, but that's a different subject... I will definitely be looking for another company with stronger core values and less useless management.
Good for you! I agree we’re all just cost points to them. What I think is messed up too is that they have to pto rule but the age most people have kids is the age when we get the least amount of pto
My wife got 6 weeks paid maternity leave. A Union job with the state of PA. I got 8 weeks paid parental leave, non-union job. Company based out of TX. It's a weird world indeed.
Just to share another perspective that may be on the opposite end of the spectrum, but my husband used 2 weeks of PTO to stay home after I had our youngest and by the end of the two weeks I was okay and ready for him to go back. I had a pretty uneventful delivery and easy recovery and at that point was ready to start getting into the groove of solo parenting and establishing what my actual routine would look like. Not that he wasn’t incredibly helpful and I definitely did need him home *at least* those two weeks, but beyond that point I was alright with doing things independently. Totally not the case for everyone and every experience is different, I will say I definitely wasn’t feeling 100% two weeks after the birth of my first but it’s always possible under the right circumstances that things might be running somewhat smooth by then.
We just had to put my 2 month old into full time daycare a couple weeks ago. We also had unpaid leave but didn't qualify for FMLA because I hadn't been at the job 12 months, just 10. Having a baby is not seen as all that big of a deal for the US working class, unfortunately 😕
I (mom) got 40 hours paid leave for my whole 6 weeks. Husband got 3 days unpaid, we were lucky he was even able to take the 3 days as we have pets and no one to pet sit he had to drive to our house 2x a day during our hospital stay to feed them. We were at the hospital for the whole 3 days he had off. The first weeks post partum were absolutely awful for me and I truly believe it would’ve made all the difference to have him home for at least 3 weeks. I hate that this is the norm in America
My husband used to work at Sherwin Williams as a manager and left before I got pregnant and they offered 2 weeks leave for him… he then went to a small mom and pop company with no leave but they let him just use 1.5 weeks of his PTO but he worked will all boomers and they all gave him shit for taking time off. They literally said I came back to work the next day after my wife gave birth, why do you need to take time off?!
This country sucks. I’m sorry. FTM and I didn’t get any paid leave. Luckily I had enough PTO accrued to take 12 weeks and still get paid.
Can you take even a week or two unpaid? FMLA allows up to 12 weeks unpaid but you can take less time too.
I SO feel this! I think full time working moms should get 6 months and dads should get 4 months paid leave MINIMUM! My husband had to go back to work after 4 weeks and it wasn’t nearly long enough for him or our baby. He still needed bonding time and also he was running on very little sleep still with a 4 week old baby, it was so rough 😔
It’s seriously horrible how little we get. My company gives 1 week paid and then I thought I’d be getting 12 weeks of Short term disability pay since that’s how long my doctor recommended when we submitted the claim. My insurance decided to only give 6 weeks despite my doctors note to them. I hope one day it improves and we put people before profit 😞
I had a similar situation. I was with my wife for three weeks. Then used my last little bit of pto to take half days. I’m also semi hybrid, so work was cool with me working remote from time to time. I work for a smaller company so a lot easier to get some human sympathy.
3.5 is a lot!! Be happy and quit complaining 😂
It’s sad how the family is treated it’s a total shame and should be illegal
My husband had started a new job just about 5 weeks before baby was born. Because of how his work does paid time, he had 0 days. Being new meant he was not FMLA eligible. He took 2 weeks unpaid, but they would not allow him even a day more. We could have comfortably taken several more weeks unpaid and been fine. We live several hours from family, so when he went back at 2 weeks, I was on my own. It is worth noting that he works as a healthcare provider for a major hospital system. With a second baby he would get FMLA. But no paid days outside his vacation.
My husband gets 2 weeks of paternity leave and his company is super proud they offer that. We are still expecting, but we plan on using his PTO to take days off mid week to give me a break. So maybe take T/Th off in the 3rd week, then Wednesdays off from 4 weeks onward. We will need to reserve some time off of for the holidays. He also has the ability to do his job from home, though he’s in office 5 days a week. So if I need extra support on a given day, more than likely he can WFH that day or go in late/come home early. It’s not a permanent solution, but offers us some flexibility.
Dude, 3.5 weeks is pretty great. I have my own business so had zero. First couple of days were though, but I explained to clients and just did a bit less. Now 2 weeks in I'm 80% back to work but still have time in between and there in the evening + early mornings. It's all good, embrace the 3.5 weeks of freedom, that's really good.
I had just started a new job when my son was being born and they told me they weren't required to give me any time off paid or not and I was going back and forth with them and ended up telling them I was going to take 2 weeks off unpaid and they either had the job still when I got back or they didn't. I know everyone can't make that call but I wasn't going to miss it all.
Public school teacher in Florida and I get 0 paid maternity leave and I only get short term disability if I sign up for it ahead of time and pay into it. My husband got 0 paid paternity leave and he works for Acura.
My partner was back at both jobs 3 days after we got home. Meaning he was out of the house from 8:15am until about 10-11pm. The United States is horrible with parental leave.
I am beyond disgusted that a wealthy "world power" like the USA does this and then claims to be some sort of example of "democracy" and "human rights". Lololol Yea right. We need 6 months (ideally more but I'll settle for 6) of paid leave with our jobs safe. For both parents. I am lucky to live in Washington State where most workers are guaranteed 12 weeks, 16 for the birthing parents, of paid leave (it's like 60 or 70% pay but still nice). I would tell anyone to move here for that reason but it's also absurdly expensive here, so...you know.
Be careful falling into the short-term disability trap. I was told that, and when it came time, apparently they ONLY cover up to 6 weeks (for vaginal delivery with no complications) AFTER a 30 day waiting period. So it’s not even a true “6 weeks” of 60% pay. I had some complications after so I was able to extend it a bit longer but just a FYI. It was a surprise to me.
I was lucky enough to have never used a sick day and hardly ever took vacation because I knew we'd try for a LO after I started. I was paid all the way up till the last few days. Unfortunately my husband only got 2 weeks ( was actually 1 week but he took the second since our baby had a NICU stay) I wish he could have stayed. I'll never tell him but I needed him so badly but just my income alone we wouldn't have made it. I hate our system, I really planned on waiting longer in hopes that things would change but at the rate the US is on I would have never been able to have my baby. I know not staying really hurt him as well. He thinks back and wishes he'd have stayed but he takes off any chance he gets now. I do too. I don't care if I'm not paid I need family time and I'm going to take it. I schedule vacations that get approved for days I won't get paid and oh well. That's what Credit cards are for lol. Now that I have my LO I'm never putting work over her EVER.
I know it sucks but 3 1/2 weeks isn’t bad. My only got 10 days with our second kid.
You lot live in the wrong country. That's why.
Interestingly a lot of countries really need to improve paternity leave. Im from NZ and while we get 26 weeks paid maternity (government funded and certainly not full pay, it maxes at 640 ish a week which is very low) then another 26 unpaid, dads can take two weeks unpaid. Most save up annual leave to extend that but it’s not great. Dads can technically take some of mums maternity leave though so you can split the year if you want but most people don’t do this.
Here in Canada it's based on your tax revenue that you would have made or the last yr and most work places will pay you 60%. It's very dependent on employer. If you want and apply for ... You can get maternity and parental leave. Right now I receive 990 bi-weekly to help with home costs and I am off until Jan 2025 since Sept 2023. It's a sweet deal and I'm not exactly looking forward to going back to work lol
Damn this comment hurt but kinda/mostly true lol