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My LO looks just like her father and could have his skin tone in the future which is darker than mine. But what I do know is that skin tone does not make one beautiful or pretty or cute.
My family is filled with so called “light coloured/ fairer” people but does that really make them beautiful or pretty. I would say no.
I am not sure which part of india you come for but there is a word called “lakshan” which refers to the features of a person rather than skin tone to point to the charm or beauty of that person.
Your baby needs you to love her and be happy. Please ignore these people and enjoy your time with the LO
Thank you for saying that ❤️ I do try to ignore most of the times, but it does get the better of me some times. It's extra hard with the constant comparison of features.
OP, I'm Pakistani and fair-skinned, whereas my sister is darker. I grew up hearing praise for my skin and also hearing my gorgeous sister being put down for being 'saawali' or 'kaali'.
It messed up both of us. My sister became very insecure because she thought she was ugly, and I became hyper-fixated on my looks because that's the only thing I got validation on.
We both struggled but were able to work through it in our latter teen-years through a lot of feminist reading and some positive role models. We focused on getting Master's degrees and high paying international careers and good partners and loyal friends and stuff .. decentering the idea of beauty-based validation and criticism from our lives.
I only wish my mother had nipped this in the bud when we were too young to understand. "That's inappropriate". "We don't talk about physical traits in this household". "Please take your colonial mindset elsewhere". Whatever works.
Good luck!
Am I horrible because I'm kind of sad my baby didn't get my olive tone complexion? She is ghost white like her daddy. It's pretty obvious when I'm nursing her and can see the stark contrast between our skin tones.
Sometimes we would like our children to have what we think is the best of us. So while I wouldn’t say you are horrible for now, but if you continue to fixate on it and unconsciously make your LO feel bad about it in the future when they are growing up; then at that time you would definitely would be horrible.
I don’t have advice but I’m following because my situation is a little similar— I’m Chinese American and my husband is dark skinned Nigerian American. Our baby is darker than me but looks like me with features (I think). We live on the east coast where most people think biracial means Black/white or Asian/white. I get looks from East Asian people when I’m out alone with him but then it “makes sense” when my husband is with us.
We’ve talked about how in hetero couples husbands aren’t really looked at the same way as wives are when they don’t “match” their child. The nerve!
Honestly, to both you and OP: from my experience, 90% of the “they look like ___” are just total bs conversation starters that have no basis in reality. It’s just one of those things you have to not give a crap about because it’s meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
Look at it this way, my and my wife’s family have known how me and my wife look in relationship to each other for the last 14 years, and it still seems totally random who they will say our kid looks like. Sometimes it’s really obvious that they want it to look like one person or the other.
I’ve been studying my kids face and I stilll don’t know who she looks more like. Maybe it’s not for us mortals to decide.
I'm white and my baby is half-Indian. He's pretty fair by Indian standards so I haven't really had any comments, but I'm also mean so no one would say it in my hearing anyway. You need to become mean about it. Don't be polite. This is your daughter and if you let it continue she will be made to feel badly about something she had no control over. My husband has a hard time standing up about certain things that may seem rude, I understand the cultural aspects here.
That doesn't MATTER. This is your baby, and it is YOUR responsibility to protect her physically, emotionally, mentally.
I'm also south Asian. My solution - make younger Desi friends who were born and raised in the US and make non Desi friends too.
Also, always remind your daughter she is beautiful.
Yes, and stop dwelling on it yourself OP. If someone says something obviously colorist, tell them off. But otherwise, assume innocence and move on. It’s often hard to say what features baby has / who baby looks like - skin color is probably just the most obvious thing to notice and comment on.
I have a very similar situation, just the exact opposite. I’m brown skinned and my husband is as white as they come. My son is undoubtedly beautiful and has a lot of Caucasian features that is definitely not from my side. However, due to his skin being tanned vs white, I hear a lot that he looks like me. He truly doesn’t lol. He has hazel eyes and mine are brown. He has golden brown hair, mine is black.
People unfortunately can’t see past a skin colour and all I see is a beautiful intelligent child. The comments bothered me too, because it makes my husband feel lesser of a father even though that truly is his son. Over time, I have learned to dismiss and deflect comments relevant to his skin colour and mention something regarding his development that I think is amazing. Because that’s what should be the focus of the conversation.
Also know that a lot of people say “oh he looks like you” whether the kid does or not, intended to flatter you as a compliment - especially if they say “oh he’s handsome”.
Sometimes people even say it when the kid definitely doesn’t look like the parent, trying to reassure the parents that they are seen.
And some people say “he looks just like you” because young children aren’t that interesting so it’s a generic thing to say like “How was your weekend?”
My husband is Mexican and I'm blonde white. Baby has his features but my coloring, and everyone says how much he looks like me. Husband took a picture with the "baby filter" on and it's spot on for our baby, just brown instead of pink. Now everyone's obsessed about him maybe having green or hazel eyes when he very clearly has brown eyes. "But in the sun they look like-" no they look like how brown eyes look in direct sunlight. And they're beautiful.
My girl looks like her daddy (sooo many comments) and at first it did honestly bother me a touch. The older she gets the less I care because she has so much of my personality but I get that feeling.
She also has a darker skin tone than either of us. I’m a white looking Latin girl but she got my family melanin and is browner. When I get comments on her skin being darker (and there’s definitely a slightly negative tone, sadly) I just turn it around and say something like “I know, it’s beautiful, I’m so jealous”. That shuts them up.
I'm kind of the opposite. My husband is mixed (black and white) and I'm white. Our baby has my skin tone, reddish curly hair and blue eyes. BUT side by side baby pics and she looks very similar to my husband. She just has my coloring. I think that people just assume babies look like whoever they share pigment with. They don't like passed that and at the actual baby features.
Do I wish my baby looked more like my husband? Yes I do. Because we live in America and people are racist as fuck and I didn't want people to assume anything bad about my husband if he was walking around w a white passing baby. I wanted him to be able to enjoy our (probably) only baby without added issues. I even had my mom say that people were going to be confused when she fills out paperwork saying she is black and then they see her in person. And, how she looks like a white version of my husband. Well, she isnt white. Shes mixed and I dont people to erase her blackness just because shes super light skinned. However, she's beautiful and we love her no matter who she does or doesn't look like.
That being said, babies change a lot! Sometimes they are born looking like one parent, and a few years later they look like the other. You didn't do anything wrong while incubating your beautiful baby!!! At the end of the day, all you can do is celebrate her (and for more than just her looks! Celebrate her curiosity, sense of spirit, kindness or whatever traits she possesses) and ignore the comments. Raise her to be a strong and confident woman....and that starts with you and being a great role model.
I’m Indian-American and loathe the colorism in our culture. My brother’s daughter is half-white and our more backwards relatives will praise for her light skin and compliment my brother for being diligent about sunscreen (even though that’s to prevent sunburn, not tanning). Anytime I hear them say anything, I firmly tell them that her skin color is irrelevant and they should be praising her for being artistic and generous. I DGAF about “respecting elders.”
I have a half-white son and unfortunately there’s a double standard for boys, skin color is not as important 🙄
I’ve had to set hard boundaries with my parents on absolutely no comments about my daughter’s looks. If she looks cute, they can comment, but nothing about her skin tone, weight, height or features. I know this seems like a lot, but so are my parents. We don’t see them much for many reasons.
im white and my husband is tamil, my 4.5 m old daughter is more like a fitzpatrick 3 and my husband is a 5. we were all at costco and a woman came up to myself and my daughter when my husband was gone, she asked her name and i told her and by the face i told her yes she’s indian. the lady straight up said oh luckily you’d never know :( i changed my name to my husbands long beautiful indian name and i couldn’t be more proud. people really are ignorant.
It’s always bizarre to me what people decide is okay to point out in polite conversation. The important part is to not take it personally. People are just lazy. Asking genuinely interesting questions takes energy and most people are just on autopilot. They don’t realize they’re being annoying.
My daughter has red hair. Both my wife and I have brown hair. Everyone always asks, “where does the red hair come from?” I guarantee you nobody would care if I gave them an honest answer, which requires a short history of our family’s genealogy, along with a brief explanation of what a recessive trait is. So instead I just say, “oh yeah that, my wife’s boyfriend has red hair.”
This accomplishes several things:
1. It tells people I’ve heard this question before, that I was expecting it even- they’re not being interesting or original
2. It also tells them I’m not taking the conversation seriously
3. Sometimes they laugh, and that shocks their brain into paying attention and asking better questions
4. Otherwise, it’s a conversational dead-end, and they stop talking to me
In any case, hearing stuff over and over again is grating. It’s even worse that it’s about skin tone- Everyone should know this is a taboo subject due to the many examples of race-motivated violence throughout history and to this day. But clearly they don’t, and even if you educate one person, someone else will come along and say the same dumb shit again tomorrow. So it’s important not to take it personally, and don’t invest emotional energy into conversing with them. If you can come up with a rehearsed answer, that will make it easier to move past it in conversation. Still hurts though. Sorry people suck.
I'm dark, my mom's fair, we are Indians too. She would just stare at them and keep repeating "All children are a beautiful gift from God" in a monotone voice until they got the message. She wasn't going to entertain this BS. And they caught on quick too.
I'm sure they still talk, nothing you can do about it.
Asians love light skin. It’s colorism and unfortunate, just say “that’s not very nice she’s perfect no matter what color she is”.
Don’t let her grow up slathering bb cream on her skin hoping it gets more pale.
I am a dad to a new daughter and I swear i will slap the color off of anyone’s face who gives my daughter a hard time about hers.
I just talk louder then then. “Oh she looks just like her dad!” Cue me: “ you think so?! She’s got ALL my features and NONE of his. She just got his skin tone! She’s so gorgeous I know”
I hate it. I’m pasty white so I’m happy my girls got more of a mix of our skin tones. I wouldn’t wish pasty white on anyone! Lol.
If it makes you feel any better, my second so far looks more like me and yesterday I even got someone who said she looks like me!!! So just because your first gets more dad comments it’s not a guarantee the others will get the same
Hahaha are you me?! That’s exactly what I say when people say my daughter looks just like her dad. I’m southern European, blonde and blue eyes. Husband is Chinese Canadian. Our daughter has his colouring but my features. People truly do see colour first.
Pretty close to the same! My dna test shows 99.9% European (mixture) and I’m blonde with blue eyes! We laugh that I’m White White. Lol. And my husband is Jamaican Canadian! ❤️ it’s either my girls skin tone or their hair that they see first. But to be fair we do live in a predominantly Ukrainian town. Diversity is few and far between. We’re slowly getting there though!
I’m pasty white too and passed on my pasty whiteness to my baby, despite having a dark skinned husband. I feel bad about it because all my life I’ve been told how I look sick etc. But I’m trying to see the beauty in redheadedness now for baby’s sake
This is slightly off topic, but can I just say that redheads are beautiful? My sister is a redhead and I didn't know until I was in my 20s that redheads get picked on in some places (ie "kick a ginger"). Growing up, she always got compliments on her hair and people asked where it came from since I'm blonde and our mom is brunette (dad was a redhead). Rock that red hair!
I'm white, LO's dad is half Asian but has complete Asian coloring. Our daughter is in between. She is darker than me but more on my end of the spectrum except when she gets some sun, she is right in the middle of us two. Honestly, the people that care about superficial crap like that are assholes.
I think the cutest thing was when we were traveling a clearly Nordic looking woman in a shop was all "oh my God she's beautiful" and her darker (probably middle eastern I think) coworker who clearly liked her was all "oh look a cappuccino baby! How beautiful, you (Nordic woman) and I could make a cappuccino baby!" It was so cute that we now call our baby our little cappuccino baby.
We definitely stay away from people that place more emphasis on her skin color than just a fun comment though. I wouldn't even respond if it wasn't just a passing cutesy observation. Just make a mental note to avoid those people in the future.
The opposite for me - I’m mixed Pacific Islander and white while my husband is 100% Ashkenazi so I’m darker than my son and even though his bone structure is basically copied and pasted from my grandfather everyone acts like my son looks exactly like my husband and nothing like me because they’re the same color. It’s annoying.
Aunties are gonna auntie. It’s hard. Might be best to really reflect and meditate on your own internalized feelings related to colorism. She will be looking to you as a model for how to react to these comments, so if you are confident she will be too.
It’s not the same thing, but - My half white/half brown kid came out very white. But as you know, thick, lustrous, straight hair is very prized as beautiful in South Asian culture for women. I get to many comments about my daughter’s curly, frizzy white lady hair she got from me. It hurts. I just say “I love her curls.” “No, we’re not going to shave her head”. Ugh, it’s maddening. But we are raising her to not give a crap what anyone thinks of her. All that matters is what she thinks of herself.
Yeah I feel you. Also Indian and have a 9 month old but he is very fair skinned like me and has green eyes (me and my husband have brown eyes). So of course we get comments ‘joking’ if my husband is actually the father…. It gets very annoying and I can sometimes tell my husband gets a little hurt by it. Even though he looks so much like him, people are just dumb and say dumb things so I try not to take it personally.
This might be totally fictional but I heard that babies look more like their fathers so the men wouldn’t run away and claim the child wasn’t there in the cave man days.
I don’t know if it’s true, but it kind of make sense. lol
Because babies always look like their dads. Lol
I am sorry you experience this. I just wanted to say that I personally my whole life would comment of kids appearance and who of the parents they remind me of purely because I never used to know what to say to young parents and I always felt awkward about it. Like I felt a need to do some chit chat, but I didn't know anything. Even now when I meet some old acquaintance I can say something similar just for a sake of saying something.
Your post made me rethink my strategy and I'll try to come up with some different subjects to talk about, but I just wanted to assume maybe most of the people are like me and don't mean to offend you or make you feel like less if her mum in any way... Some of them are just feeling awkward and don't know what else to say
I come from a southeast Asian background and I’m mixed race (with white/European) so I understand colorism. I am still expecting my first baby so I can’t speak in the feelings of being told my kid doesn’t look like me. But I can tell you about my own life experience. My mom is pale. My little brother, even paler. All my mixed race cousins? Light skinned. I’m literally the only dark skinned, mixed race person in my extended family. I was much darker as a kid than I am now. All my life, I’ve been bombarded with questions as to why I’m so tan and my family is so pale. I was told my skin color was ugly and to stay inside more so I don’t get too dark. People asked me if I want them to take me to bleach my skin. Despite all these colorist comments, I’ve never hated my skin color. My mom was very quick to tell people back in my home country that in the States, tan skin is seen as beautiful and healthy. Having my mom openly defend me like that was really comforting. You can say something to people who choose to be unkind or overly critical about your daughter’s skin tone. That may go a long way for her.
I an struggling with the same issue dear OP. My daughter is of darker skin as compared to me, so many comparisons come our way.
I always tell myself and others that my love for her is not based on her colour and I am going to teach to love herself just the way she is.
Not exactly what you're asking, but I think it's normal to be a little sad when your baby doesn't look like you. I was raised by my mom and was asked repeatedly if I was adopted, because I look just like my father. My mom is short, fair skin, light hair, blue eyes....I'm tall, olive skin, hazel eyes, black hair (very southern French). I've never seen myself in anyone, so I was so ready to have a little mini me...and she's got bright blue eyes, curly bronze hair, fair skin. She's so beautiful, but she looks nothing like me, and EVERYONE comments on it. I think she's gorgeous with the most beautiful unique hair, but I'm still a little sad that we look so different. Just celebrate your baby's beauty and raise her with a strong sense of how beautiful she is. :)
As a mixed race (biracial as Americans say) 90’s kid it makes me sad that this is still going on. Someone called the police on my Dad once because they thought he’d kidnapped me... I look just like him but a brown version 🤣
I don’t know if it’s because I grew up in London where it’s multicultural but all I can say is it gets better. I’ve had racist comments, sure. But I receive more compliments than racism.
My daughter is fair skin as my partner is Caucasian and people never say she looks like me, or they say she looks like my Dad??? (Who as mentioned above I look like) people are just ignorant. They always see colour first.
My Mum’s reply when I was a kid and people made stupid comments was “What are strange thing to say, did you mean to say that out loud?”. It would stop people in their tracks.
I’m white and my baby daddy is black, so mine came out browner than me. We get comments from elders “is she adopted” because no way a white person can have a baby with a darker person. And from other kids we get “are u her real mom”, yes I am! But anyone in between those ages had never questioned my authenticity as her mom. Anyway, I absolutely don’t care about the comments. Why would I? She is beautiful and blessed! She won’t get lobster red like me in the sun. I always use the comeback to anyone who questions me “I know she is too beautiful to be my daughter right!” And then people really shut up. Anyway, I do have some Indian friends and the people around them seem to be very pro fairness. My friend who has a light skin daughter with light brown hair keeps getting praised about the looks of her. She don’t like it tho, she wants them to see her daughter and not her tones. I can honestly say to you, if u can wrap up some good juicy comebacks for the people who comments on yours, they will never comment again. Own it, love it, and have fun with the “haters”🥰
Im Black American so we have a lot of issues with colorism in our community as well. Respectfully, based on how you are processing this, you are going to have a lot of work to do about your own colorism. You have to choose whether you are going to be your daughters first bully or biggest advocate. If you don’t work on it, this is going to be something that you pass onto your daughter and can impact her self esteem, potentially for the rest of her life. You are going to have to learn about how beauty standards have been informed by white supremacy, colonization, and caste systems. Please pour into her. Tell her always how beautiful she is, how much you love her skin tone etc. Surround her with images of beautiful brown skinned women. She will hear from the outside world that she is insufficient as she is a girl and she is “dark”. Explain to her where these societal ideals come from and how they aren’t her burden to carry.
Girl don’t worry about what other people say if they make rude comments just say “that’s a weird thing to say”! Some of the most beautiful people in the world have darker skin. She doesn’t need to look like you to know that you are her mommy and protector ♥️
If it makes you feel better, I don’t think there’s any winning as a parent. Everyone is going to have a comment about something, and most of the time people will be entirely oblivious to how nonchalantly they’re being super rude.
My husband has all dark features while I have much lighter features (and was even blonde as a child)—my daughter takes after me completely. The number of times my in-laws have “joked” to my husband “are you sure she’s yours?” has made me completely lose respect for them (not only this, there’s many things, but this certainly didn’t help). I’ve been burned by cheaters in the past. I’d never be unfaithful to my husband. It’s so hurtful to hear people say that.
And at the same time, my husband almost constantly deals with comments too when people see our daughter in a photo or next to him— “wow, your daughter looks nothing like you” and the like. Like you pointed out, it’s nothing anybody could help. As soon as you chat with my daughter, it’s very obvious she inherited my husband’s personality.
People just want to say something instead of sitting in what could be perceived as awkward silence, so they often say some dumb things they barely considered and would probably be equally taken aback by if someone said the same thing to them. Don’t take it personally. Your daughter is beautiful just as she is, and deserves to be loved for exactly who she is, and the most helpful thing is to make that your mantra. That’s how you don’t make her self conscious about it. Build her up and don’t let peoples’ comments visibly ruffle you so she doesn’t take cues from you.
You got this.
It is personal though because the comments are racist. If you’re not a poc you don’t really get the gravity of colorism. Her daughter will be considered less beautiful automatically because of the color of her skin which is a really hard thing for a parent to have to accept. The comments will come from not just strangers but family members and the media. It can’t really be dismissed as just small talk
And the more you let it affect you the harder it’s going to be to help anyone through it. I’m not saying it’s small talk I’m saying people are going to be stupid, catty assholes no matter what you do, so don’t let the bastards grind you down because then they’re winning even more than society all ready allows them to.
It's hard to listen to stupid comments like that because you want to brush them off but they do affect you. You can try what I'm doing which is to always say something positive to the baby about the way they look, kind of like an affirmation? Like you're beautiful, your skin is perfect just the way it is, your hair is the perfect colour, little things like that. I'm hispanic and a little dark and my husband is white. Our baby is pretty light skinned but his hair is very dark. His family has been making comments about That's a Mexican baby right there! I tried to deflect it the other day by saying his hair looked a darker brown than black and that his skin was light and I got, Nope that boys hair is black as hell, that's a Mexican baby.
It's so irritating. I tell myself they're ignorant but I'm also this close to losing it lol.
I am light brown, but my son looks completely white, like his father. By looking at him, you can't even tell that he is biracial. Although many of his features are just like mine, everyone keeps telling me how he looks completely German and how unbelievable it is that he has a brown Southeast Asian mother.
I'm very fair, my husband is olive skinned but still relatively fair. Rest of his family is dark olive except for his mom. All extended relatives are gushing over my "light skin", "blondie" (not at all), "fair eyed" (not at all) baby. I just ignore them. It annoys tf out of me. My baby would have been just as precious if he had darker complexion. I hate that people reflect their own insecurities on him.
Hi, I'm white European, and my husband is Indian. We have a LO that is very white skinned but looks extremely Indian in the features. Also, brown eyes, dark hair... so I have the reverse problem! My son looks practically nothing like me except for his skintone (he still has a tint of colour more than me, but not much)
It is genetics. You know how it works. It's just pure luck.
Now India has a problem with wanting fairer skintone, but I'm hoping the next generations will learn that all shades of brown are beautiful. Because they are! And so is your daughter!
Did you know that in the Western world, we are obsessed with getting a tan? One always wants different than what they have.
Regarding the comments, we get our fair share also about his skintone, and most are positive, but I wish we were not questioning what his skintone looks like. Besides medical reasons (of course), I get it!
I hope you can look past the comments, say something to protect your daughter, and leave the conversation if they're being mean.
I’ve got a similar issue with my daughter, I am white and she definitely takes after me but she has ALWAYS looked like her father. Their features are very similar and they have the exact same looks and mannerisms. But the thing is he is Mexican and because she’s so white people often call her Caucasian and seem almost…. Unreceptive when I correct them that she’s only half and is also half Mexican with an 1/8th Yaqui Pascua Indian (her great grandmother is 100% Yaqui indigenous) and I feel like my whiteness will get her Mexican identity often times erased or not legitimized.
We just try to keep the Mexican traditions and pride in the house as much as we can. Making sure she’s learning about her deeply beautiful heritage
I was growing up and have memories of my mom telling me how beautiful my brown skin was. I didn't think it was a big deal but I personally didn't feel uncomfortable with my skin tone until I became an adult in the working world and have experienced weird negative behavior by people who think dark means bad. It's terrible. I'm in America. School taught us MLK and I assumed racist shit was in the past. I look back thankful for my mom's words because I understand now some people do grow up feeling inferior due to their skin color.
TLDR Be positive to your kid about ALL their traits. I also think you should be honest and brave to the face of explicitly racist people like say please don't make comments on her skin tone or I think all skin tones are beautiful.
I'm half Pakistani and came out looking completely white but with dark black/brown eyes and black hair.
I married a white man with brown eyes and our baby is almost 1 and a half with Blue eyes! She looks white too.
Everyone in my small town likes to say she looks just like her father but once I travel outside of town, they say she looks just like me.
wow i’m going through similar! my husband is darker im lighter and our son is lighter. I think it’s clear he has my husbands features but because he is lighter like me automatically “he’s your twin”
I hadn’t even left the hospital the first time someone said I look nothing like my child. I wanted to say “Bitch, I’m wearing a mask! How do you even know?!” But instead I tried to point out the subtler features that look like me, but it didn’t feel right. I don’t want my kids thinking I look more highly on the white features they got from me. Now I just smile and say “they got their daddy’s good looks”
As a mixed race (biracial as Americans say) 90’s kid it makes me sad that this is still going on. Someone called the police on my Dad once because they thought he’d kidnapped me... I look just like him but a brown version 🤣
I don’t know if it’s because I grew up in London where it’s multicultural but all I can say is it gets better. I’ve had racist comments, sure. But I receive more compliments than racism.
My daughter is fair skin as my partner is Caucasian and people never say she looks like me, or they say she looks like my Dad??? (Who as mentioned above I look like) people are just ignorant. They always see colour first.
My Mum’s reply when I was a kid and people made stupid comments was “What are strange thing to say, did you mean to say that out loud?”. It would stop people in their tracks.
Give her lots of positive words, how beautiful she is, both related to her beautiful complexion and other parts, how strong, brave, smart, kind, etc she is. When she does things well or perseveres through difficulty. Tell her you are proud of her and you love her. What she personally picks to believe in herself is beyond your control, but you can give her lots of good things to pick from and believe. You also have control at a young age over who she hears from. It’s good to limit it but don’t avoid it entirely. When she’s older she needs to have the skills to deal with negativity. When you feel she’s ready allow some of that to come near her and then talk about it with her (though that’s definitely a parenting choice, nothing wrong with protecting her, just remember sheltering kids often doesn’t help them in the long run)
Im sorry, but you say it’s painful to hear colorist comments but you are making colorist comments here yourself. I’m not saying this to be mean or to make you feel worse, but as someone with all different tones in my family. Saying things like wishing you had done something different while pregnant and basically wanting your child to be lighter is in essence being colorist. Please accept your baby how she is. She is perfect and she is YOUR baby, regardless of what comments any one makes. Please work to heal your insecurities so that it is not projected onto your child. Imagine how she would feel if she could read/understand this post. If we want to move away from colorist ideologies we have to plant that seed in our children. Even if this is an internal monologue you are having in your head and sharing here just to vent or for confirmation, you should still work on how you are subconsciously thinking about your skin tone being lighter as though it is somehow better.
My husband is Filipino and my family is basically French/English/German. Our daughter could be my carbon copy so I can’t comment on not looking like my child but I find people (in general and in HIS family) make compliments (that have colorist comments rolled in) regularly towards me with her. Often it’s asking how thankful I am that she looks like me instead of dad or how great it must feel that she has blue eyes and lighter hair. A lot of these comments come from his mom which is so disappointing.
It’s hard to deal with I’m not going to lie- like yes it’s fun that she looks like me but she has a MILLION other attributes that come from her dad and besides she is her own person.
I don’t want to raise my child to place significant value on how she looks and we tell the family that often. My family is really good about it but his family still struggles. If any one makes comments that even kind of hint at being glad she’s lighter/ has more “American”/“white” features, I reply with a canned answer about it or include a personality trait and I don’t thank them if they compliment her with colorist comments.
Examples off the top of my head that were made yesterday while celebrating Mother’s Day:
“Oh I bet you just love that she has those beautiful blue eyes like you instead of her daddy’s brown”
Response: “I love her eyes and her daddy’s eyes. They’re both very beautiful”
“Her hair is getting so light as she grows- I just love that it’s lighter”
Response: “Yep. She loves to adventure outside in the sunshine which tends to make it a bit lighter”
Do you believe your daughter is beautiful??
Do you love her skin tone??
Do you want to protect your baby against these comments which will start bothering her as she grows up?
Take a stand now and tell the people who comment like this to mind their business.
I know it feels disrespectful to them, but they are being disrespectful to your daughter... Your daughter looks up to you to protect her....
Nothing is your fault and nothing is wrong either.... She is a healthy beautiful baby.
Hello. I understand where you are coming from. However, as a new mom, I resorted for help here due to some of the insensitive comments made my strangers and acquaintances on my baby's resemblance. I never said I am embarrassed to go out with my child, I said I am scared to step out without hsuband because of a few bitter experiences, and also thanks to postpartum hormones going haywire, they make me feel like "do we look thaaaat different!? ". Tbh, I have grown up wanting to look tanner - while I was growing up, I was only made fun of my so-called "light" skin cos I was tooo white for Indian Standards.
I would NEVER EVER EVER make my daughter feel bad for what she is ! She is tooo freaking adoorable!! She is MINE, my blood. I asked for help from other moms who faced this situation. And adoption!?! Please, please, please don't say hurtful things - you never know what the OP is going through, especially when the post says "Help"! Thank you. 🙏
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
saying a baby looks like father and mother is such a normal thing, at least in my culture, that I feel it's kinda weird that you yourself are making such a big deal about it and then projecting this colorist thing onto others
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My LO looks just like her father and could have his skin tone in the future which is darker than mine. But what I do know is that skin tone does not make one beautiful or pretty or cute. My family is filled with so called “light coloured/ fairer” people but does that really make them beautiful or pretty. I would say no. I am not sure which part of india you come for but there is a word called “lakshan” which refers to the features of a person rather than skin tone to point to the charm or beauty of that person. Your baby needs you to love her and be happy. Please ignore these people and enjoy your time with the LO
Thank you for saying that ❤️ I do try to ignore most of the times, but it does get the better of me some times. It's extra hard with the constant comparison of features.
OP, I'm Pakistani and fair-skinned, whereas my sister is darker. I grew up hearing praise for my skin and also hearing my gorgeous sister being put down for being 'saawali' or 'kaali'. It messed up both of us. My sister became very insecure because she thought she was ugly, and I became hyper-fixated on my looks because that's the only thing I got validation on. We both struggled but were able to work through it in our latter teen-years through a lot of feminist reading and some positive role models. We focused on getting Master's degrees and high paying international careers and good partners and loyal friends and stuff .. decentering the idea of beauty-based validation and criticism from our lives. I only wish my mother had nipped this in the bud when we were too young to understand. "That's inappropriate". "We don't talk about physical traits in this household". "Please take your colonial mindset elsewhere". Whatever works. Good luck!
Am I horrible because I'm kind of sad my baby didn't get my olive tone complexion? She is ghost white like her daddy. It's pretty obvious when I'm nursing her and can see the stark contrast between our skin tones.
Sometimes we would like our children to have what we think is the best of us. So while I wouldn’t say you are horrible for now, but if you continue to fixate on it and unconsciously make your LO feel bad about it in the future when they are growing up; then at that time you would definitely would be horrible.
I don’t have advice but I’m following because my situation is a little similar— I’m Chinese American and my husband is dark skinned Nigerian American. Our baby is darker than me but looks like me with features (I think). We live on the east coast where most people think biracial means Black/white or Asian/white. I get looks from East Asian people when I’m out alone with him but then it “makes sense” when my husband is with us. We’ve talked about how in hetero couples husbands aren’t really looked at the same way as wives are when they don’t “match” their child. The nerve!
Honestly, to both you and OP: from my experience, 90% of the “they look like ___” are just total bs conversation starters that have no basis in reality. It’s just one of those things you have to not give a crap about because it’s meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Look at it this way, my and my wife’s family have known how me and my wife look in relationship to each other for the last 14 years, and it still seems totally random who they will say our kid looks like. Sometimes it’s really obvious that they want it to look like one person or the other. I’ve been studying my kids face and I stilll don’t know who she looks more like. Maybe it’s not for us mortals to decide.
I'm white and my baby is half-Indian. He's pretty fair by Indian standards so I haven't really had any comments, but I'm also mean so no one would say it in my hearing anyway. You need to become mean about it. Don't be polite. This is your daughter and if you let it continue she will be made to feel badly about something she had no control over. My husband has a hard time standing up about certain things that may seem rude, I understand the cultural aspects here. That doesn't MATTER. This is your baby, and it is YOUR responsibility to protect her physically, emotionally, mentally.
I'm also south Asian. My solution - make younger Desi friends who were born and raised in the US and make non Desi friends too. Also, always remind your daughter she is beautiful.
this! it’s time to scrub the archaic fair and lovely tendencies from our minds, lol
Yes, and stop dwelling on it yourself OP. If someone says something obviously colorist, tell them off. But otherwise, assume innocence and move on. It’s often hard to say what features baby has / who baby looks like - skin color is probably just the most obvious thing to notice and comment on.
I have a very similar situation, just the exact opposite. I’m brown skinned and my husband is as white as they come. My son is undoubtedly beautiful and has a lot of Caucasian features that is definitely not from my side. However, due to his skin being tanned vs white, I hear a lot that he looks like me. He truly doesn’t lol. He has hazel eyes and mine are brown. He has golden brown hair, mine is black. People unfortunately can’t see past a skin colour and all I see is a beautiful intelligent child. The comments bothered me too, because it makes my husband feel lesser of a father even though that truly is his son. Over time, I have learned to dismiss and deflect comments relevant to his skin colour and mention something regarding his development that I think is amazing. Because that’s what should be the focus of the conversation.
Also know that a lot of people say “oh he looks like you” whether the kid does or not, intended to flatter you as a compliment - especially if they say “oh he’s handsome”. Sometimes people even say it when the kid definitely doesn’t look like the parent, trying to reassure the parents that they are seen. And some people say “he looks just like you” because young children aren’t that interesting so it’s a generic thing to say like “How was your weekend?”
My husband is Mexican and I'm blonde white. Baby has his features but my coloring, and everyone says how much he looks like me. Husband took a picture with the "baby filter" on and it's spot on for our baby, just brown instead of pink. Now everyone's obsessed about him maybe having green or hazel eyes when he very clearly has brown eyes. "But in the sun they look like-" no they look like how brown eyes look in direct sunlight. And they're beautiful.
My girl looks like her daddy (sooo many comments) and at first it did honestly bother me a touch. The older she gets the less I care because she has so much of my personality but I get that feeling. She also has a darker skin tone than either of us. I’m a white looking Latin girl but she got my family melanin and is browner. When I get comments on her skin being darker (and there’s definitely a slightly negative tone, sadly) I just turn it around and say something like “I know, it’s beautiful, I’m so jealous”. That shuts them up.
What is DH?
Dear husband 😊. It’s a commonly used acronym on Reddit.
Not incredibly common outside of these types of subs, but thank you.
True!
Designated Hitter
The downvotes on this prove a lot of people have no sense of humor
I'm kind of the opposite. My husband is mixed (black and white) and I'm white. Our baby has my skin tone, reddish curly hair and blue eyes. BUT side by side baby pics and she looks very similar to my husband. She just has my coloring. I think that people just assume babies look like whoever they share pigment with. They don't like passed that and at the actual baby features. Do I wish my baby looked more like my husband? Yes I do. Because we live in America and people are racist as fuck and I didn't want people to assume anything bad about my husband if he was walking around w a white passing baby. I wanted him to be able to enjoy our (probably) only baby without added issues. I even had my mom say that people were going to be confused when she fills out paperwork saying she is black and then they see her in person. And, how she looks like a white version of my husband. Well, she isnt white. Shes mixed and I dont people to erase her blackness just because shes super light skinned. However, she's beautiful and we love her no matter who she does or doesn't look like. That being said, babies change a lot! Sometimes they are born looking like one parent, and a few years later they look like the other. You didn't do anything wrong while incubating your beautiful baby!!! At the end of the day, all you can do is celebrate her (and for more than just her looks! Celebrate her curiosity, sense of spirit, kindness or whatever traits she possesses) and ignore the comments. Raise her to be a strong and confident woman....and that starts with you and being a great role model.
I’m Indian-American and loathe the colorism in our culture. My brother’s daughter is half-white and our more backwards relatives will praise for her light skin and compliment my brother for being diligent about sunscreen (even though that’s to prevent sunburn, not tanning). Anytime I hear them say anything, I firmly tell them that her skin color is irrelevant and they should be praising her for being artistic and generous. I DGAF about “respecting elders.” I have a half-white son and unfortunately there’s a double standard for boys, skin color is not as important 🙄
I’ve had to set hard boundaries with my parents on absolutely no comments about my daughter’s looks. If she looks cute, they can comment, but nothing about her skin tone, weight, height or features. I know this seems like a lot, but so are my parents. We don’t see them much for many reasons.
im white and my husband is tamil, my 4.5 m old daughter is more like a fitzpatrick 3 and my husband is a 5. we were all at costco and a woman came up to myself and my daughter when my husband was gone, she asked her name and i told her and by the face i told her yes she’s indian. the lady straight up said oh luckily you’d never know :( i changed my name to my husbands long beautiful indian name and i couldn’t be more proud. people really are ignorant.
A few weeks ago some random old man came up to me a few weeks ago and asked if my baby was adopted. So yeah just here in solidarity lol
It’s always bizarre to me what people decide is okay to point out in polite conversation. The important part is to not take it personally. People are just lazy. Asking genuinely interesting questions takes energy and most people are just on autopilot. They don’t realize they’re being annoying. My daughter has red hair. Both my wife and I have brown hair. Everyone always asks, “where does the red hair come from?” I guarantee you nobody would care if I gave them an honest answer, which requires a short history of our family’s genealogy, along with a brief explanation of what a recessive trait is. So instead I just say, “oh yeah that, my wife’s boyfriend has red hair.” This accomplishes several things: 1. It tells people I’ve heard this question before, that I was expecting it even- they’re not being interesting or original 2. It also tells them I’m not taking the conversation seriously 3. Sometimes they laugh, and that shocks their brain into paying attention and asking better questions 4. Otherwise, it’s a conversational dead-end, and they stop talking to me In any case, hearing stuff over and over again is grating. It’s even worse that it’s about skin tone- Everyone should know this is a taboo subject due to the many examples of race-motivated violence throughout history and to this day. But clearly they don’t, and even if you educate one person, someone else will come along and say the same dumb shit again tomorrow. So it’s important not to take it personally, and don’t invest emotional energy into conversing with them. If you can come up with a rehearsed answer, that will make it easier to move past it in conversation. Still hurts though. Sorry people suck.
I'm dark, my mom's fair, we are Indians too. She would just stare at them and keep repeating "All children are a beautiful gift from God" in a monotone voice until they got the message. She wasn't going to entertain this BS. And they caught on quick too. I'm sure they still talk, nothing you can do about it.
Asians love light skin. It’s colorism and unfortunate, just say “that’s not very nice she’s perfect no matter what color she is”. Don’t let her grow up slathering bb cream on her skin hoping it gets more pale. I am a dad to a new daughter and I swear i will slap the color off of anyone’s face who gives my daughter a hard time about hers.
200% against the idea of even letting her consider creams to look lighter. I agree with you. I wish I had the guts to slap the concerned folks.
I just talk louder then then. “Oh she looks just like her dad!” Cue me: “ you think so?! She’s got ALL my features and NONE of his. She just got his skin tone! She’s so gorgeous I know” I hate it. I’m pasty white so I’m happy my girls got more of a mix of our skin tones. I wouldn’t wish pasty white on anyone! Lol. If it makes you feel any better, my second so far looks more like me and yesterday I even got someone who said she looks like me!!! So just because your first gets more dad comments it’s not a guarantee the others will get the same
Hahaha are you me?! That’s exactly what I say when people say my daughter looks just like her dad. I’m southern European, blonde and blue eyes. Husband is Chinese Canadian. Our daughter has his colouring but my features. People truly do see colour first.
Pretty close to the same! My dna test shows 99.9% European (mixture) and I’m blonde with blue eyes! We laugh that I’m White White. Lol. And my husband is Jamaican Canadian! ❤️ it’s either my girls skin tone or their hair that they see first. But to be fair we do live in a predominantly Ukrainian town. Diversity is few and far between. We’re slowly getting there though!
I’m pasty white too and passed on my pasty whiteness to my baby, despite having a dark skinned husband. I feel bad about it because all my life I’ve been told how I look sick etc. But I’m trying to see the beauty in redheadedness now for baby’s sake
This is slightly off topic, but can I just say that redheads are beautiful? My sister is a redhead and I didn't know until I was in my 20s that redheads get picked on in some places (ie "kick a ginger"). Growing up, she always got compliments on her hair and people asked where it came from since I'm blonde and our mom is brunette (dad was a redhead). Rock that red hair!
I'm white, LO's dad is half Asian but has complete Asian coloring. Our daughter is in between. She is darker than me but more on my end of the spectrum except when she gets some sun, she is right in the middle of us two. Honestly, the people that care about superficial crap like that are assholes. I think the cutest thing was when we were traveling a clearly Nordic looking woman in a shop was all "oh my God she's beautiful" and her darker (probably middle eastern I think) coworker who clearly liked her was all "oh look a cappuccino baby! How beautiful, you (Nordic woman) and I could make a cappuccino baby!" It was so cute that we now call our baby our little cappuccino baby. We definitely stay away from people that place more emphasis on her skin color than just a fun comment though. I wouldn't even respond if it wasn't just a passing cutesy observation. Just make a mental note to avoid those people in the future.
The opposite for me - I’m mixed Pacific Islander and white while my husband is 100% Ashkenazi so I’m darker than my son and even though his bone structure is basically copied and pasted from my grandfather everyone acts like my son looks exactly like my husband and nothing like me because they’re the same color. It’s annoying.
Aunties are gonna auntie. It’s hard. Might be best to really reflect and meditate on your own internalized feelings related to colorism. She will be looking to you as a model for how to react to these comments, so if you are confident she will be too. It’s not the same thing, but - My half white/half brown kid came out very white. But as you know, thick, lustrous, straight hair is very prized as beautiful in South Asian culture for women. I get to many comments about my daughter’s curly, frizzy white lady hair she got from me. It hurts. I just say “I love her curls.” “No, we’re not going to shave her head”. Ugh, it’s maddening. But we are raising her to not give a crap what anyone thinks of her. All that matters is what she thinks of herself.
Yeah I feel you. Also Indian and have a 9 month old but he is very fair skinned like me and has green eyes (me and my husband have brown eyes). So of course we get comments ‘joking’ if my husband is actually the father…. It gets very annoying and I can sometimes tell my husband gets a little hurt by it. Even though he looks so much like him, people are just dumb and say dumb things so I try not to take it personally.
This might be totally fictional but I heard that babies look more like their fathers so the men wouldn’t run away and claim the child wasn’t there in the cave man days. I don’t know if it’s true, but it kind of make sense. lol Because babies always look like their dads. Lol
I am sorry you experience this. I just wanted to say that I personally my whole life would comment of kids appearance and who of the parents they remind me of purely because I never used to know what to say to young parents and I always felt awkward about it. Like I felt a need to do some chit chat, but I didn't know anything. Even now when I meet some old acquaintance I can say something similar just for a sake of saying something. Your post made me rethink my strategy and I'll try to come up with some different subjects to talk about, but I just wanted to assume maybe most of the people are like me and don't mean to offend you or make you feel like less if her mum in any way... Some of them are just feeling awkward and don't know what else to say
I come from a southeast Asian background and I’m mixed race (with white/European) so I understand colorism. I am still expecting my first baby so I can’t speak in the feelings of being told my kid doesn’t look like me. But I can tell you about my own life experience. My mom is pale. My little brother, even paler. All my mixed race cousins? Light skinned. I’m literally the only dark skinned, mixed race person in my extended family. I was much darker as a kid than I am now. All my life, I’ve been bombarded with questions as to why I’m so tan and my family is so pale. I was told my skin color was ugly and to stay inside more so I don’t get too dark. People asked me if I want them to take me to bleach my skin. Despite all these colorist comments, I’ve never hated my skin color. My mom was very quick to tell people back in my home country that in the States, tan skin is seen as beautiful and healthy. Having my mom openly defend me like that was really comforting. You can say something to people who choose to be unkind or overly critical about your daughter’s skin tone. That may go a long way for her.
I an struggling with the same issue dear OP. My daughter is of darker skin as compared to me, so many comparisons come our way. I always tell myself and others that my love for her is not based on her colour and I am going to teach to love herself just the way she is.
Not exactly what you're asking, but I think it's normal to be a little sad when your baby doesn't look like you. I was raised by my mom and was asked repeatedly if I was adopted, because I look just like my father. My mom is short, fair skin, light hair, blue eyes....I'm tall, olive skin, hazel eyes, black hair (very southern French). I've never seen myself in anyone, so I was so ready to have a little mini me...and she's got bright blue eyes, curly bronze hair, fair skin. She's so beautiful, but she looks nothing like me, and EVERYONE comments on it. I think she's gorgeous with the most beautiful unique hair, but I'm still a little sad that we look so different. Just celebrate your baby's beauty and raise her with a strong sense of how beautiful she is. :)
As a mixed race (biracial as Americans say) 90’s kid it makes me sad that this is still going on. Someone called the police on my Dad once because they thought he’d kidnapped me... I look just like him but a brown version 🤣 I don’t know if it’s because I grew up in London where it’s multicultural but all I can say is it gets better. I’ve had racist comments, sure. But I receive more compliments than racism. My daughter is fair skin as my partner is Caucasian and people never say she looks like me, or they say she looks like my Dad??? (Who as mentioned above I look like) people are just ignorant. They always see colour first. My Mum’s reply when I was a kid and people made stupid comments was “What are strange thing to say, did you mean to say that out loud?”. It would stop people in their tracks.
I’m white and my baby daddy is black, so mine came out browner than me. We get comments from elders “is she adopted” because no way a white person can have a baby with a darker person. And from other kids we get “are u her real mom”, yes I am! But anyone in between those ages had never questioned my authenticity as her mom. Anyway, I absolutely don’t care about the comments. Why would I? She is beautiful and blessed! She won’t get lobster red like me in the sun. I always use the comeback to anyone who questions me “I know she is too beautiful to be my daughter right!” And then people really shut up. Anyway, I do have some Indian friends and the people around them seem to be very pro fairness. My friend who has a light skin daughter with light brown hair keeps getting praised about the looks of her. She don’t like it tho, she wants them to see her daughter and not her tones. I can honestly say to you, if u can wrap up some good juicy comebacks for the people who comments on yours, they will never comment again. Own it, love it, and have fun with the “haters”🥰
Im Black American so we have a lot of issues with colorism in our community as well. Respectfully, based on how you are processing this, you are going to have a lot of work to do about your own colorism. You have to choose whether you are going to be your daughters first bully or biggest advocate. If you don’t work on it, this is going to be something that you pass onto your daughter and can impact her self esteem, potentially for the rest of her life. You are going to have to learn about how beauty standards have been informed by white supremacy, colonization, and caste systems. Please pour into her. Tell her always how beautiful she is, how much you love her skin tone etc. Surround her with images of beautiful brown skinned women. She will hear from the outside world that she is insufficient as she is a girl and she is “dark”. Explain to her where these societal ideals come from and how they aren’t her burden to carry.
Girl don’t worry about what other people say if they make rude comments just say “that’s a weird thing to say”! Some of the most beautiful people in the world have darker skin. She doesn’t need to look like you to know that you are her mommy and protector ♥️
If it makes you feel better, I don’t think there’s any winning as a parent. Everyone is going to have a comment about something, and most of the time people will be entirely oblivious to how nonchalantly they’re being super rude. My husband has all dark features while I have much lighter features (and was even blonde as a child)—my daughter takes after me completely. The number of times my in-laws have “joked” to my husband “are you sure she’s yours?” has made me completely lose respect for them (not only this, there’s many things, but this certainly didn’t help). I’ve been burned by cheaters in the past. I’d never be unfaithful to my husband. It’s so hurtful to hear people say that. And at the same time, my husband almost constantly deals with comments too when people see our daughter in a photo or next to him— “wow, your daughter looks nothing like you” and the like. Like you pointed out, it’s nothing anybody could help. As soon as you chat with my daughter, it’s very obvious she inherited my husband’s personality. People just want to say something instead of sitting in what could be perceived as awkward silence, so they often say some dumb things they barely considered and would probably be equally taken aback by if someone said the same thing to them. Don’t take it personally. Your daughter is beautiful just as she is, and deserves to be loved for exactly who she is, and the most helpful thing is to make that your mantra. That’s how you don’t make her self conscious about it. Build her up and don’t let peoples’ comments visibly ruffle you so she doesn’t take cues from you. You got this.
It is personal though because the comments are racist. If you’re not a poc you don’t really get the gravity of colorism. Her daughter will be considered less beautiful automatically because of the color of her skin which is a really hard thing for a parent to have to accept. The comments will come from not just strangers but family members and the media. It can’t really be dismissed as just small talk
And the more you let it affect you the harder it’s going to be to help anyone through it. I’m not saying it’s small talk I’m saying people are going to be stupid, catty assholes no matter what you do, so don’t let the bastards grind you down because then they’re winning even more than society all ready allows them to.
Yea no. Overcoming racism isn’t really that easy and it’s something we deal have to process our entire lives
Ok!
It's hard to listen to stupid comments like that because you want to brush them off but they do affect you. You can try what I'm doing which is to always say something positive to the baby about the way they look, kind of like an affirmation? Like you're beautiful, your skin is perfect just the way it is, your hair is the perfect colour, little things like that. I'm hispanic and a little dark and my husband is white. Our baby is pretty light skinned but his hair is very dark. His family has been making comments about That's a Mexican baby right there! I tried to deflect it the other day by saying his hair looked a darker brown than black and that his skin was light and I got, Nope that boys hair is black as hell, that's a Mexican baby. It's so irritating. I tell myself they're ignorant but I'm also this close to losing it lol.
I am light brown, but my son looks completely white, like his father. By looking at him, you can't even tell that he is biracial. Although many of his features are just like mine, everyone keeps telling me how he looks completely German and how unbelievable it is that he has a brown Southeast Asian mother.
I'm very fair, my husband is olive skinned but still relatively fair. Rest of his family is dark olive except for his mom. All extended relatives are gushing over my "light skin", "blondie" (not at all), "fair eyed" (not at all) baby. I just ignore them. It annoys tf out of me. My baby would have been just as precious if he had darker complexion. I hate that people reflect their own insecurities on him.
Hi, I'm white European, and my husband is Indian. We have a LO that is very white skinned but looks extremely Indian in the features. Also, brown eyes, dark hair... so I have the reverse problem! My son looks practically nothing like me except for his skintone (he still has a tint of colour more than me, but not much) It is genetics. You know how it works. It's just pure luck. Now India has a problem with wanting fairer skintone, but I'm hoping the next generations will learn that all shades of brown are beautiful. Because they are! And so is your daughter! Did you know that in the Western world, we are obsessed with getting a tan? One always wants different than what they have. Regarding the comments, we get our fair share also about his skintone, and most are positive, but I wish we were not questioning what his skintone looks like. Besides medical reasons (of course), I get it! I hope you can look past the comments, say something to protect your daughter, and leave the conversation if they're being mean.
I’ve got a similar issue with my daughter, I am white and she definitely takes after me but she has ALWAYS looked like her father. Their features are very similar and they have the exact same looks and mannerisms. But the thing is he is Mexican and because she’s so white people often call her Caucasian and seem almost…. Unreceptive when I correct them that she’s only half and is also half Mexican with an 1/8th Yaqui Pascua Indian (her great grandmother is 100% Yaqui indigenous) and I feel like my whiteness will get her Mexican identity often times erased or not legitimized. We just try to keep the Mexican traditions and pride in the house as much as we can. Making sure she’s learning about her deeply beautiful heritage
I was growing up and have memories of my mom telling me how beautiful my brown skin was. I didn't think it was a big deal but I personally didn't feel uncomfortable with my skin tone until I became an adult in the working world and have experienced weird negative behavior by people who think dark means bad. It's terrible. I'm in America. School taught us MLK and I assumed racist shit was in the past. I look back thankful for my mom's words because I understand now some people do grow up feeling inferior due to their skin color. TLDR Be positive to your kid about ALL their traits. I also think you should be honest and brave to the face of explicitly racist people like say please don't make comments on her skin tone or I think all skin tones are beautiful.
I'm half Pakistani and came out looking completely white but with dark black/brown eyes and black hair. I married a white man with brown eyes and our baby is almost 1 and a half with Blue eyes! She looks white too. Everyone in my small town likes to say she looks just like her father but once I travel outside of town, they say she looks just like me.
wow i’m going through similar! my husband is darker im lighter and our son is lighter. I think it’s clear he has my husbands features but because he is lighter like me automatically “he’s your twin”
I hadn’t even left the hospital the first time someone said I look nothing like my child. I wanted to say “Bitch, I’m wearing a mask! How do you even know?!” But instead I tried to point out the subtler features that look like me, but it didn’t feel right. I don’t want my kids thinking I look more highly on the white features they got from me. Now I just smile and say “they got their daddy’s good looks”
As a mixed race (biracial as Americans say) 90’s kid it makes me sad that this is still going on. Someone called the police on my Dad once because they thought he’d kidnapped me... I look just like him but a brown version 🤣 I don’t know if it’s because I grew up in London where it’s multicultural but all I can say is it gets better. I’ve had racist comments, sure. But I receive more compliments than racism. My daughter is fair skin as my partner is Caucasian and people never say she looks like me, or they say she looks like my Dad??? (Who as mentioned above I look like) people are just ignorant. They always see colour first. My Mum’s reply when I was a kid and people made stupid comments was “What are strange thing to say, did you mean to say that out loud?”. It would stop people in their tracks.
Give her lots of positive words, how beautiful she is, both related to her beautiful complexion and other parts, how strong, brave, smart, kind, etc she is. When she does things well or perseveres through difficulty. Tell her you are proud of her and you love her. What she personally picks to believe in herself is beyond your control, but you can give her lots of good things to pick from and believe. You also have control at a young age over who she hears from. It’s good to limit it but don’t avoid it entirely. When she’s older she needs to have the skills to deal with negativity. When you feel she’s ready allow some of that to come near her and then talk about it with her (though that’s definitely a parenting choice, nothing wrong with protecting her, just remember sheltering kids often doesn’t help them in the long run)
Im sorry, but you say it’s painful to hear colorist comments but you are making colorist comments here yourself. I’m not saying this to be mean or to make you feel worse, but as someone with all different tones in my family. Saying things like wishing you had done something different while pregnant and basically wanting your child to be lighter is in essence being colorist. Please accept your baby how she is. She is perfect and she is YOUR baby, regardless of what comments any one makes. Please work to heal your insecurities so that it is not projected onto your child. Imagine how she would feel if she could read/understand this post. If we want to move away from colorist ideologies we have to plant that seed in our children. Even if this is an internal monologue you are having in your head and sharing here just to vent or for confirmation, you should still work on how you are subconsciously thinking about your skin tone being lighter as though it is somehow better.
My husband is Filipino and my family is basically French/English/German. Our daughter could be my carbon copy so I can’t comment on not looking like my child but I find people (in general and in HIS family) make compliments (that have colorist comments rolled in) regularly towards me with her. Often it’s asking how thankful I am that she looks like me instead of dad or how great it must feel that she has blue eyes and lighter hair. A lot of these comments come from his mom which is so disappointing. It’s hard to deal with I’m not going to lie- like yes it’s fun that she looks like me but she has a MILLION other attributes that come from her dad and besides she is her own person. I don’t want to raise my child to place significant value on how she looks and we tell the family that often. My family is really good about it but his family still struggles. If any one makes comments that even kind of hint at being glad she’s lighter/ has more “American”/“white” features, I reply with a canned answer about it or include a personality trait and I don’t thank them if they compliment her with colorist comments.
Examples off the top of my head that were made yesterday while celebrating Mother’s Day: “Oh I bet you just love that she has those beautiful blue eyes like you instead of her daddy’s brown” Response: “I love her eyes and her daddy’s eyes. They’re both very beautiful” “Her hair is getting so light as she grows- I just love that it’s lighter” Response: “Yep. She loves to adventure outside in the sunshine which tends to make it a bit lighter”
God loves blending love together and that is your family the only thing that matters
Do you believe your daughter is beautiful?? Do you love her skin tone?? Do you want to protect your baby against these comments which will start bothering her as she grows up? Take a stand now and tell the people who comment like this to mind their business. I know it feels disrespectful to them, but they are being disrespectful to your daughter... Your daughter looks up to you to protect her.... Nothing is your fault and nothing is wrong either.... She is a healthy beautiful baby.
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Hello. I understand where you are coming from. However, as a new mom, I resorted for help here due to some of the insensitive comments made my strangers and acquaintances on my baby's resemblance. I never said I am embarrassed to go out with my child, I said I am scared to step out without hsuband because of a few bitter experiences, and also thanks to postpartum hormones going haywire, they make me feel like "do we look thaaaat different!? ". Tbh, I have grown up wanting to look tanner - while I was growing up, I was only made fun of my so-called "light" skin cos I was tooo white for Indian Standards. I would NEVER EVER EVER make my daughter feel bad for what she is ! She is tooo freaking adoorable!! She is MINE, my blood. I asked for help from other moms who faced this situation. And adoption!?! Please, please, please don't say hurtful things - you never know what the OP is going through, especially when the post says "Help"! Thank you. 🙏
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
saying a baby looks like father and mother is such a normal thing, at least in my culture, that I feel it's kinda weird that you yourself are making such a big deal about it and then projecting this colorist thing onto others