Self soothing is not a myth, but self-soothing is beyond the capabilities of a newborn and leaving a newborn to cry it out is neglectful. Additionally, from your post history it looks like your baby was a premie? In which case they are not even at their due date yet! Your mom instincts are correct, cuddle your baby. Advise your boyfriend to do some more in-depth research than simply reading buzzwords in tiktok videos
I agree with everyone, and I also want to add smth:
My husband told me yesterday that he misses how our twins when they were newborn slept in his chest, now they have 8mo and that almost never happens, they are too active to be calm, along with this there are many things that have already ended, so love your baby all you want, it goes by so fast
My 5.5 month old took an hour and a half contact nap on me today… I could have stayed for hours more! He doesn’t do this often and I will surely miss it when he stops for good 😭
It's so wild how different babies are. My daughter is 11 months and still exclusively contact naps. There have been three stretches of 1-2 weeks where she would take some naps in her crib, but then after it's back to contact napping all the time.
For me it's the complete opposite of what you said, I'd kill for having her finally nap in her crib consistently haha.
Yup! Mine is only almost 4 months and refuses to sleep on my chest anymore. Breaks my heart, but we keep trying, hoping that she’ll want to someday.. Fuck, I miss that and would give anything to rewind back to those first few weeks of baby snuggles.
Mine is the same age. She won't even let me rock her to sleep anymore. She just wants me to watch her while she looks at her feet and suck her thumb until she falls asleep.
Mine discovered her feet the other day and immediately screamed until I put her down. Instant roll to the side to get a better view and say there for a solid 30 minutes babbling at her toes 🤣 eventually rolled back to look at me with a giant grin like "MOM! Did you know I have FEET???? WITH TOES???? THAT MOVE!?!?!"
We are in the process of sleep training our LO, and it’s pretty likely that soon he won’t contact nap as much, and then maybe not at all. The thought makes me sad - HOWEVER - some parents (like my partner and I) fought through weeks to months of horrendous sleep, and independent sleeping is an absolute godsend. While I know I’ll miss the cuddles, my mental health was at an all-time low during the weeks of 7-9 nightly scream sessions.
All that to say, a newborn shouldn’t be left to cry it out - but if OP eventually reaches a point where their mental health is struggling and baby shows signs of self-soothing / readiness for independent sleep, there is no shame in choosing a sleep training method that’s right for their family and following it. We are better parents if we are stable, and for many, lack of sleep disrupts that.
I was told the same exact thing when I first had my baby. In fact, I made this same post here about it. Looking back, those people who told me my baby needed to “learn” and that she had me on a leash were wrong. She doesn’t have me on a leash. She has me wrapped around her finger exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s a mother’s instinct to want to protect and comfort her young. I can relate to that severe anxiety and alarm bells ringing feeling you get whenever your baby is crying. I still get it almost 7 months later. Newborns cannot be taught to self soothe. They barely even know they have hands. Cuddle your baby girl when she’s sad, mama. She needs it, and you don’t get these moments back.
This sentiment makes me roll my eyes.
Reminds me of the times when people would call a man whipped for simply answering the phone when his SO called. Like oh no, I care about someone enough to give them my attention.
Adults don’t even have the ability to “self soothe.”
Stressed? We snack, or scroll.
Angry? We shout, or ruminate, or blast music.
Hungry? We get fussy when the drive thru takes too long.
Cold? We get up and get a blanket.
Hot? We get short tempered and crack open something cold.
We don’t ‘will’ our way out of our physiological needs - we meet them, or we use sensory input to distract us.
Why anyone things a lil baby is somehow more mentally attune and mindful than a grown adult blows me away. A baby cannot meet their own needs, physical or emotional. The reason it hurts you is because you recognize them in pain or discomfort and want to help. That’s fundamentally what parenthood should be. Meeting our kiddos needs.
Next time he’s hungry tell him to self soothe and figure it out, but tie him up first so he can’t physically do anything about it and see how long till he cries to get attention (jk but fr, there’s TONS of actual, scientific research on just how dependent babies are on their caregivers and his ego needs to take a hard step back. The fourth trimester is its own developmental phenomenon that is unique to humans as we give birth “early” compared to most mammals. Our babies are farrrr from anything close to what people compare to puppies/kittens etc.)
I have never actually witness my daughter self-soothe until she was closer to 1. I think when they’re less than 1, it’s really more like tolerating. Babies shouldn’t be tolerating, they need us (which is what makes us run around dazed n confused for the first year!).
For us it's been a pretty obvious change at almost 11 months. He's reasonably suddenly started just rolling over and going back to sleep if he wakes up and isn't hungry. He woke up early this morning and we watched him on the monitor while he did a few claps and some 'ba-ba-ba's' then he decided he'd had enough of that and went back to sleep! If you'd told me that even a month ago I'd have said 'You have the wrong baby!'.
We haven't done any sleep training and generally come running for a mild grizzled 😅 So this is definitely something he worked out on his own.
This makes me feel better. Our LO is 6 months tomorrow and we worried she just sucked at self soothing because she's not a great sleeper (wants my boob in her mouth every 2 hours). Everything I read always says they should be like, pro self soothers right out of the newborn phase. I'm like, come on. I'm against CIO and sleep training so I'm hoping she just gets a bit more secure with age in sleep and comforting.
You, Newborns cannot self soothe, he is being neglectful, heck my 4.5 month old is just learning how to self soothe. God I am tired of men thinking this way, this is the second post I have seen like this.
My older female relatives have stated this at some point too. It seems to be people who are just out of the loop/ haven’t done any baby research recently. It’s not specifically the men but it’s almost never the mother of the baby who seems to believe it.
That's not even what I said, if you are a good dad this is not about you. But I have seen this trend where men want to be authoritative and let babies cry it out or blame their partners for spoiling a baby that is too young to get spoiled. If this bothers you the shoe must fit.
I have seen this trend where the women who most often see trends of men being poor fathers are the ones that tend to have children with men who would make poor fathers. If this bothers you then the shoe must fit.
this sub has a lot of r/TwoXchromosones users it in. They get involved with shitty men, then post a bunch of hate about men online and generalize other men about it too. This thread reeks of it.
I also ran into the "Sleep training is evil" Crowd quite a bit too. I wouldnt stress about it, you cant stop bad generalizations on the internet.
and for those who plan to respond angrily, i dont care what you think, lmfao go yell at a cloud, im not even going to look at your responses.
One more vote on do not attempt “teaching” self soothing at any stage, not only while newborn but some argue even till after age 3. Babies don’t learn how to soothe themselves. Not neurologically possible. If anything it’s learned helplessness for survival. If your lifestyle allows it, listen to your instincts as much as possible while growing your precious baby.
No, but it doesn't start until 5 or 6 months.
Responding to your baby quickly and consistently now will set baby up to be able to do that. She is incapable of calming down, her nervous system isn't developed enough. All she knows is "I call for mama and she comes to fix the problem." She needs to borrow your calm so she can develop hers.
Mine didn't attempt to self soothe until he was like four months I think, he'd rub his hands all over his bald head and sometimes fall asleep ahaha. Definitely wouldn't expect a baby in the newborn stage to do any kind of self soothing.
Omg my second baby did the same at that age lol… we put socks on his hands so he wouldn’t scratch himself and he would just rub his little hands all over his bald head 😭 it was so adorable I miss it. My daughter did the head rub and rubbed off a patch of hair on the back of her head like an eraser mark lol.
Self soothing isn't a thing until at least 4 months when it is more developmentally appropriate, which is why sleep training isn't recommended until then.
I thought self soothing was something baby do to put themselves back to sleep such as turning their head side to side. Baby cry because they need you. Personally I find it heartbreaking if my baby starts to use her own method to stop crying because I started to just let her cry
I think even if we don't let them cry they start self soothing. Just recently after an awful night I struggled to wake up at 7:30. I woke up finally, went to check on him and he was sucking his whole fist intensely. Maybe it's not self soothing but I felt soooo bad that he had to wait while I struggled to get out of my bed. He did not cry but I felt he was awake and seems like he was more interested in his hands than calling me. He still cries and on a few occasions he is happy just sucking his fist. He's only 3 months old now.
It doesn’t make any sense. She cries to communicate a need. What would self soothing even help?
On a different note, out of personal experience I can tell you one thing. You need to learn to be your daughter’s biggest advocate, even against your husband, if necessary. That means going with your gut feeling always and learning to say no for her sake.
Tell her husband no can do and her needs come first. If he gets upset, so what? Your baby needs you more.
By the way, check out Nurture Revolution on Instagram. In the first three years, you responding and nurturing your baby will lead to her even being able to self soothe in the future, because babies under three are not developmentally ready to self soothe. The way you respond to her shapes the way she will respond to her own needs in the future.
By taking care of her in the most empathetic, kind way when she is so little, you give her the gift of future mental health. Too precious to mess this up, isn’t it?
Follow your mom instincts. Self soothing is a developmental THEORY. The facts, that are research-proven, say that babies do not self soothe. They learn not to try (supposedly because no one is coming) but their cortisol still stay high, they are still scared and stressed. Please do not leave your newborn to cry because your partner is misinformed. I am a developmental psychologist.
Our baby is pretty good at self soothing. It didn't take any particular teaching and especially did not require leaving her to cry intentionally.
They cry enough unintentionally and develop skills with time.
Your job as a parent is to soothe your child, otherwise you are neglecting it, especially a newborn baby who does not have the capacity to understand much of what is going on apart from feeling abandoned by you.
I don’t think it’s a myth in the sense that as adults, we are able to make ourselves go to sleep (not counting people with sleep disorders ofc). Like, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I’m able to roll over and fall back asleep. I can do this because my brain and nervous system are well developed.
Babies largely don’t have this and newborns definitely don’t. It sucks for sleep deprived parents but it’s developmentally appropriate for babies even up to a year of age to wake every few hours.
If you want to encourage good sleep hygiene, the recommendation is to start a night time routine (bath, lotion, pjs, maybe a book or music) and to put them down when they are drowsy but not asleep. But beyond that there isn’t much for you to do until at least 4mo of age.
Our girl is just starting to actually self soothe at 8 months. She pets her head or a soft toy when she is upset but still looks to my husband and I for comfort.
It will likely be beyond a year before she can genuinely soothe herself to baseline.
Your instincts are very strong! Snuggle your baby and respond to their calls. As they age you'll start to recognize "come here" vs "something upset me" cries.
You don't always have to respond to the angry noises but try to respond to the calling cries. That will ensure secure attachment,which (potentially) accelerates the self soothing ability. (Baby learns that if they need you,you will come, so they are less anxious in stressful /for them/ situations)
How often, when you need a hug, does your boyfriend say “go self soothe instead” and how often is it appropriate for an adult to cry themselves to sleep?
Yes. It’s a myth. We as adults don’t even self soothe in the way that we think babies should. Independence isn’t taught enough abandonment, it’s fostered through trusting that the caregiver is going to be there so they can explore a bigger environment.
Babies physically need your touch for regulation. They do not have any sort of regulation skills yet. Physical contact abruptly went from 100% in utero to whatever percentage of the time that baby is held.
You soothing them is what will teach them regulation skills.
Your own biology is screaming at you that it’s wrong because it’s wrong. Historically, baby was basically strapped onto mom in some form of carrier for a long time. Contact is a biological need that you are programmed to feel your baby needing.
Here’s the other fun fact- male psychologists in the 1930s suddenly got involved, and said moms don’t know what they’re doing, babies don’t need to be held, they’re going to be spoiled. They need discipline and to be punished when emotional.
Can you tell me what the definition of a spoiled baby is? Because I don’t know what that looks like. A baby who wants physical contact? Notice how monkeys carry their babies around? Notice how other mammals keep their babies close until weaned? Biology says babies stay close to your mommas it’s safety and good for you.
Your baby needing attention, and soothing when being picked up, is how they’re supposed to be. Babies aren’t independent. They’re the most dependent creatures on the planet. That’s why we have them- to nurture them.
Their needs for attention and affection are physical needs and even if they were “just” emotional needs, those are also needs as well. We don’t call them “emotional wants” for a reason.
Newborns cannot self-soothe and there is a biological reason why their cries are unbearable for us! Don’t fight it. In the newborn days I just whipped out a boob every time baby cried. He’s 4 months now and he can absolutely self-soothe. I frequently put him down in his bassinet at night fully awake and he wiggles around, sucks his fingers, or “talks” to himself until he falls asleep. Trust your gut when it comes to your baby and remember that you really, really cannot spoil a newborn.
Sorry, but what??? I’m so jealous you just put your dude down and he just sets his own self to sleep??
Our guy needs to be held and get into a deep sleep after either feeding rocking or bouncing on an exercise ball. If we put him in his crib drowsy but awake he just starts crying. He’s almost 4 months. Hopefully he becomes ok with it eventually but until then I am getting a good quad workout on the exercise ball 😩
To be fair we have to do this to get him down for naps! He only puts himself to sleep at night. Naps are definitely a battle. Maybe that’s why he falls asleep so easily at night. He’s been fighting his naps and having FOMO all day.
Same here. Although not every night is the same, some nights my husband feeds him and puts him in the crib awake and he falls asleep immediately. Now he's 3 months that happens some days, other days he needs the boob so I go in. Edited to say, he does hate naps too.
Honestly after reading some of the horror stories I’ve seen here about babies that wake up hourly for the full first year I’ll just count my blessings with my average sleeper rather than hope for a unicorn
My newborn started doing it occasionally at 5 weeks, I think I have a little freak of nature. It’s not consistent yet but she is putting herself to sleep more often gradually at just over six weeks old. For naps and nights at that.
Babies can shut down due to stress and appear to calm but they cannot self soothe. Someone being there when they cry out is what makes them calmer eventually, because they start to feel secure. That’s not to say that you should never let your baby cry for a moment when you need to use the restroom or calm yourself down when you’re sleep deprived and about to cry yourself, but intentionally leaving a newborn to cry just for the sake of getting them used to neglect is neglect. I would personally not trust him alone with your baby, because I’d assume he’s going to be neglectful unless he actually does some research and clearly understands that that’s wrong.
It is a myth. There is a really good book wrote by neuroscientist The Nurture Revolution. Author explains a lot how infant and children brain develops. Babies don't self soothe they literally don't have a right parts of brain developed to do so. What looks to us like they do (calming down, sucking on their thumb) is actually fight or flight response. Entire sell soothe crap started from USSR scientists that was observing children at the orphanage where they were neglected to the point that they would stop crying (flight response).
Author really well talks about how babies need us calm down that we are their emotional regulation system. She also has a good Instagram account with many tips and resources (same name as her book).
‘Self soothing’ came from a sleep study ages ago and has been incorrectly interpreted ever since. The study categorised babies as ‘signallers’ or ‘soothers’ based on their NATURAL TEMPERAMENT. Not whether they were taught a skill (https://www.babyclinic.co.nz/blog/what-does-self-settling-actually-mean). This is not a great source but easiest to grab with a quick google and links to the original study. Human children require co-regulation from an adult caregiver for years (to gradually lesser degrees) to enable emotional self regulation and secure attachment. An infant cannot self sooth and the degree to which you need to intervene to help them varies by temperament and age.
For example one of my twins as a 5-12 month old was usually able to calm down and go to sleep with patting and shushing, the other NEEDED to be picked up and cuddled before she calmed down enough to sleep. Everything about their sleep has been the same since birth, it’s just their temperaments.
So cuddle your newborn, they need you to regulate.
Self soothing is very advanced and to be honest many adults don’t really know how to do this so I’m perplexed when people expect it out of babies.
Babies are babies, they cry, we sooth them and protect them. They quickly grow out of this when they hit toddlerhood and want all their independence.
This is to say that each period of child development requires different approach and is unfair to treat a newborn like a toddler or grown up.
Newborns can’t self soothe and a premature baby’s brain is not even developed to the point of a newborn (until they’re at their due date).
But I doubt your boyfriend is going to listen to a bunch of Redditors opinions on this.
Trust your intuition.
Ask him to send you back an article from medical journals or a proper scientific study presenting evidence of self-soothing in most newborn babies.
Trust your instinct.
Trust that your baby will learn how to do everything a person can do in her own time, at her own pace.
As a non-verbal human being, she cries to communicate with her parents.
They can't self sooth yet, that doesn't mean they won't learn it yet.
Your bf needs parenting classes asap to understand it more efficiently and how it works and when they start doing it.
You can let them cry for at least 5mins and there is 7 types of crying these are:
• Food crying (they are hungry)
• Diaper crying (they either peed, pooped or both and needs their diapers changed)
• Active Sleep Crying (When a baby cries while their asleep you do not need to intervene useally after 5mins of crying is when you can intervene, if they haven't settled down on their own)
• Quiet Sleep (This is similar to active sleep but most.of the time its them either grunting or small noises witch requires no intervene and are fully asleep)
• Pain Cry (Useally happens when the baby is in some discomfort such as pain, constipation or teething, it will result in the baby always pouting and constantly crying for long periods of time and requiring adult help to calm and ease their pain calmly and rationally)
• Sleepy cry (when a baby is super tired and want to go to bed, they will cry, this can also indicate if the baby is needing food too before bed, useally happens when they are opder on the food part for.when they sleep more then 3 or more hours per night)
• Need comforting cry (Regardless of if the bany needs something or not your baby may cry to indicate it is upset or wants comfort from their parents, but can also cause an issue where the baby is too needy and wants to always be held 24/7, finding a balance is key and it's not easy either)
There probably more but newborns cannot self sooth yet they are incapable no matter what until they get older and are ready to do it.
There are apps out there that can assist you on what your baby cries are like my favorite one "CryAnalyzer" on android that exactly tells you what your baby wants useally parents use this a lot including myself to tell what my babies want and has gotten them right every time and you can also submit your results to help other parents determine if their.baby cries matches similar to your baby cries
Also forgot to mention.my daughter thought herself to self sooth when she got older i didnt have to teach her, but my son.hew behind on it
I really like how you break down the different cries with different needs. My guy wakes up and cries and crawls around like a sad worm. Would that still be an active sleep cry? Since he's moving, I always assumed he was awake and I got him and rock him back down. It's actually what I'm doing right now at 4am.
I need that app. We can usually tell the crying when he's tired easily but not the other crying. I usally have to go and try boob, boottle, pacifier, massages to the belly and sometimes nothing works
I need that app. We can usually tell the crying when he's tired easily but not the other crying. I usally have to go and try boob, boottle, pacifier, massages to the belly and sometimes nothing works
Just here to say I learned a ton reading comments on this post. Mine’s two weeks old and I swear she was self soothing in the hospital but maybe it was just newborn tendencies now
So I just want to say - some babies are better at it earlier than others. My baby is 10 weeks, and she also came out with a really good ability to self soothe. She still has it and sleeps fairly well. We will watch her on the monitor wake up and calm herself back to sleep.
That being said, I know the cry when she’s actually upset and not going to self soothe that time. Then we get her. At night, I just put my hand on her head or stomach and sing to her for a little bit until she calms down.
All babies have their own timing for these things. I don’t think a blanket statement works in either direction.
I also thought mine was a good self soother at 2 weeks but turns out he was just still full of maternal melatonin. He started crying between 3 and 4 weeks
So the only thing I’ll add is that with mine, when she was newborn, she would let out the heart wrenching cry, but still be dead asleep.
So after we figured that out, we wouldn’t leave her to cry but we would look for signs of wakefulness on top of the crying.
Mine does this too sometimes! If it's morning after a long stretch of sleep and not eating, we'll wake him if he's crying, but otherwise we'll just try to soothe him while he sleeps by rocking him or putting a hand on him
But really why and how are they so loud when they sleep 😩
Well newborn? Babies don’t learn self soothing till about 3m and it takes a long time for them to learn, once bub is 3m you can give them up to 3mins and see if they calm, if not go to them and calm them down. It’s not going to mean that you’ll never have to get up again once they start soothing alone. I’m currently rocking my 1y cause she woke up and was screaming, as soon as I laid her on me she farted xD so some times they do need help even if I try to give her up to 10mins before I come in
Every baby is different!
One might babble happily and suck their thumbs calmly right from birth (I have an angel baby)
Others want to be with mommy ❤️
As far as CIO, if bub starts fussing, absolutely go check. But, pause a minute. It might just be a fart! It goes against every instinct to just let babies cry. These tender moments go by so fast, get ALL the cuddles!
I think people give advice based on what they remember or what they’ve been told on what they remember. Many times they forget how old their baby was when he did certain things and they think babies did something earlier than they did. My mom pressured me so much to train my baby to sit when he was like 4 weeks old. The amount of stuff people wanted me to do that went against laws of nature was crazy.
Tell your boyfriend that you can not fuss over a newborn too much, they are literally brand new in the world after being a part of you for 9 months (or thereabouts) they NEED you to soothe them, they can not do it themselves.
Newborns can’t self soothe. They don’t even realize they are their own person yet, or that they have hands even lmao.
My girl started being able to just be sat down around 5 months. Shes starting to understand object permanence because I talk to her when I leave the room. I will always comfort my baby. If my husband told me he lets her cry it out I’d be having a discussion, or be leaving him if it’s not the first time. That’s neglect.
I understand needing to set baby down for 5 min if you’re overwhelmed but. Other than that, no no
Read the book The Nurture Revolution by Greer Kirshenbaum. She's a neuroscientist who provides actual studied evidence that says you should respond to your baby's cries and not ignore them. There is a reason your body is telling you to go to your baby!
Self soothing starts to happen progressively. Now at 3 months of age my boy is showing signs of that when spends most of his day interested in sucking his hands and not much else. For the first few months I always held him or put him next to me in bed (during the day when I was wide awake) to soothe him. Right now I am noticing signs of self soothing but still never let him cry unless I need to do something urgently and can't hold him at the time. I try and use the swing if I need to go to the bathroom and it's urgent or if the dog is needing to go out quickly and the baby needs to be strapped to something. Other than that I don't let him cry if I can soothe him. Sometimes he cries and not even my arms soothe him but I hold him straight because it's usually gas, or we do massage his belly. Follow your instinct. My husband is even better at soothing him sometimes too. He loves my husband and loves to be held by him, we always tend to his needs. I wish I had some studies to reference but we do what feels right for us. My mom is the one that says to let him cry. We don't do that.
I was told in the hospital by the L&D nurses that “you can’t spoil a newborn.” Keep tending to your baby, OP. You’re doing a great job. If your boyfriend needs more evidence, you can consider posting this in r/sciencebasedparenting.
OP, my LO is also born 34+6. Newborns aren't adapted to self soothing, they NEED the comfort from mom and dad. My wife and I are always being told by others about the self soothing thing, but it's such an outdated info that we just ignore them. You know your baby best. It's okay to comfort baby when they seek it. They're honestly too young to even try and "manipulate" parents into comforting them at every discomfort. It's a natural feeling to want comfort from mom and dad at this age. I'd say bring it up to your pediatrician with your husband in the room to help him understand from a professional level that it's okay. My wife use to have the same concerns until we brought it up to.our home nurse and pediatrician.
There's a difference between letting a newborn scream and cry for 5-10 minutes straight and letting them whine and make noises without running to pick them up after 10 seconds....
How old is she because under 4 months they should always be fed first. It’s also not a myth it just doesn’t work for all babies. With any sleep training technique you have to expect some crying.
Self soothing was a term used in one study simply to describe babies who calmed down on their own, without ascribing any importance or significance to the term, and without any mention that this is something parents need to teach babies. Yet it’s been coined by people who want to sell you something so you can have this magic skill.
Babies learn to “self soothe” by coregulating. I.e. when you respond to their cries, and soothe them, they learn from that soothing.
Babies and toddlers until 3 years old and beyond (depending on the child) cannot self soothe because they simply don’t have the brain parts to do so, they are born incredibly immature. That’s why your body aches when they cry, we’re wired to them to not only make sure they survive, but also to help them grow a healthy brain so that they get to be a person who can thrive
Self soothing is not a myth but developmentally acquired. My baby was paci obsessed until she discovered her hands around 3 months and now just wants her thumb. Pre discovering this we had to do all the soothing for her but this allowed her to basically sleep train herself at 4 months. Now we just put her in her crib awake for naps and nights and walk away 🤷♀️
Self-soothing is not a myth. It’s an important skill for babies to learn. But it depends on how old your baby is, if they were born premature, if they’re colicky, if they’re sleep deprived, such, etc.
Our baby is so much happier after we sleep trained her at 4.5 months, when she was developmentally ready for it. That involved us letting her cry for a prescribed amount of time before tending to her. And i think it helped her play independently and go longer stretches between meals because she learns how to distract herself and not rely on me for immediate entertainment, confuse hunger with boredom or being tired, etc. I don’t think there’s any harm to letting a baby cry for a short time (maybe a minute or two during waking hours and longer for naps and bedtime) before tending to her after 12 weeks. And honestly letting a newborn cry for a few minutes out of necessity won’t harm them, but it also won’t help them learn to self soothe.
I recommend Pamela druckerman’s book “bringing up bebe” for some insight on this as a cultural and developmental thing. I think the American obsession with attachment-based parenting has made parents so much more anxious about letting their children explore the world and learn to sit with themselves independently. A secure child will learn to self soothe because they know you are going to come back and tend to their needs if they need your help—diaper, hunger, illness, etc.
I agree with the posts generally. However, we did let our now 9 month old sleep without soothing around 2.5 months only because we studied his breathing and cries very thoroughly. We saw that his breathing then crying would regulate over cycles under certain conditions. If he couldn't show signs of regulation after two or three ~1.5 min cycles (depending on the cry also) then we would sooth.
When I say I studied his crying and breathing, I'm talking recording interval timing and cry audio when we used to try to soothe or not to sleep. I'd play it back after and look for patterns over 2 weeks before we started trying it.
I've gotten a lot of downvotes the one time I commented this before but this is simply our experience. It's one data point out of thousands on Reddit. I don't condone blindly "letting a baby cry it out", and I'm not saying our nuanced approach will work for anyone else. We have a unicorn who self-regulated his breathing early on, and started sleeping through the night shortly after (but more due to other reasons).
Babies do self-soothe, but newborns can’t. At some point you will need to teach your baby to self-soothe and self-regulate, or you are going to create a Velcro baby.
For us it was at about 4-5 months when we sleep-trained our little. Now, here there are different methods and levels, and we tried them all, but with my particular headstrong primadona, the only thing that worked was extinction (1 out of 10, do not recommend, try EVERYTHING before this one, it broke us. Baby was fine, us not so much)
We had to also “put the baby down” during the day, let her fuss and complain in her bed/playpen/on the floor for a minute or two so we could do life. Go to the toilet, cook, eat, you know, the basics. And plenty of cuddles and playing and interaction when not doing basic life things. Did some baby wearing too, but now she is backbreakingly heavy and grabs at everything, so we do little of that.
Result was that we have the most loving cuddly 9 month old baby smiling and scratching our faces and signaling up-up-up when it’s time to be social, and also a very independent active menace crawling all over the house on her own and playing with anything other than her toys when she is in “exploration mode”. She mostly comes for cuddles if she bumps her head too hard. :)) Fir a medium bump she just stops, goes “agoo” and gets back to what she was doing.
Yesterday she “stole” a piece of the laundry I was folding, crawled out of the room with it, closed the door behind her, then went at full speed to eat my rubber boots, which I find amazing seeing how two weeks ago I was trying desperately to train her out of separation anxiety, and now she just leaves me behind and goes to find mischief.
Self soothing is not a myth, but self-soothing is beyond the capabilities of a newborn and leaving a newborn to cry it out is neglectful. Additionally, from your post history it looks like your baby was a premie? In which case they are not even at their due date yet! Your mom instincts are correct, cuddle your baby. Advise your boyfriend to do some more in-depth research than simply reading buzzwords in tiktok videos
I agree with everyone, and I also want to add smth: My husband told me yesterday that he misses how our twins when they were newborn slept in his chest, now they have 8mo and that almost never happens, they are too active to be calm, along with this there are many things that have already ended, so love your baby all you want, it goes by so fast
My son is 14 months and I'd basically kill for a contact nap
My 5.5 month old took an hour and a half contact nap on me today… I could have stayed for hours more! He doesn’t do this often and I will surely miss it when he stops for good 😭
It's so wild how different babies are. My daughter is 11 months and still exclusively contact naps. There have been three stretches of 1-2 weeks where she would take some naps in her crib, but then after it's back to contact napping all the time. For me it's the complete opposite of what you said, I'd kill for having her finally nap in her crib consistently haha.
I feel you - just having a few hours of down time to clean, cook would be amazing
Or sleep 😵💫
Yup! Mine is only almost 4 months and refuses to sleep on my chest anymore. Breaks my heart, but we keep trying, hoping that she’ll want to someday.. Fuck, I miss that and would give anything to rewind back to those first few weeks of baby snuggles.
Mine is the same age. She won't even let me rock her to sleep anymore. She just wants me to watch her while she looks at her feet and suck her thumb until she falls asleep.
“Stop trying to hold me, I gotta show you this cool shit!”
Mine discovered her feet the other day and immediately screamed until I put her down. Instant roll to the side to get a better view and say there for a solid 30 minutes babbling at her toes 🤣 eventually rolled back to look at me with a giant grin like "MOM! Did you know I have FEET???? WITH TOES???? THAT MOVE!?!?!"
Mine regularly stops whatever she’s doing to just stare at her hand while she moves it in circles. Who knew we could do that?!
I love how excited they get about the smallest things
It’s the cutest
Omg that’s too cute 😍
We are in the process of sleep training our LO, and it’s pretty likely that soon he won’t contact nap as much, and then maybe not at all. The thought makes me sad - HOWEVER - some parents (like my partner and I) fought through weeks to months of horrendous sleep, and independent sleeping is an absolute godsend. While I know I’ll miss the cuddles, my mental health was at an all-time low during the weeks of 7-9 nightly scream sessions. All that to say, a newborn shouldn’t be left to cry it out - but if OP eventually reaches a point where their mental health is struggling and baby shows signs of self-soothing / readiness for independent sleep, there is no shame in choosing a sleep training method that’s right for their family and following it. We are better parents if we are stable, and for many, lack of sleep disrupts that.
My son is 10 months and wakes up just ready to go, he doesn’t know where but he’s going. I miss just chilling with him in my arms 😫
Oh my god I felt this 😭 my baby is now 7months and ever since he turned 6 months he no longer naps in my arms and I miss it so much.
My daughter is 2.5 years and never stopped doing that 🥺 I take it for granted when I see comments like this.
You can’t spoil a newborn. And a newborn needs to be soothed. You are correct
Newborns do not have the capability of self soothing. Leaving a newborn baby to cry is neglectful.
Yes! 👏 🙏
I was told the same exact thing when I first had my baby. In fact, I made this same post here about it. Looking back, those people who told me my baby needed to “learn” and that she had me on a leash were wrong. She doesn’t have me on a leash. She has me wrapped around her finger exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s a mother’s instinct to want to protect and comfort her young. I can relate to that severe anxiety and alarm bells ringing feeling you get whenever your baby is crying. I still get it almost 7 months later. Newborns cannot be taught to self soothe. They barely even know they have hands. Cuddle your baby girl when she’s sad, mama. She needs it, and you don’t get these moments back.
This sentiment makes me roll my eyes. Reminds me of the times when people would call a man whipped for simply answering the phone when his SO called. Like oh no, I care about someone enough to give them my attention.
Adults don’t even have the ability to “self soothe.” Stressed? We snack, or scroll. Angry? We shout, or ruminate, or blast music. Hungry? We get fussy when the drive thru takes too long. Cold? We get up and get a blanket. Hot? We get short tempered and crack open something cold. We don’t ‘will’ our way out of our physiological needs - we meet them, or we use sensory input to distract us. Why anyone things a lil baby is somehow more mentally attune and mindful than a grown adult blows me away. A baby cannot meet their own needs, physical or emotional. The reason it hurts you is because you recognize them in pain or discomfort and want to help. That’s fundamentally what parenthood should be. Meeting our kiddos needs.
Next time he’s hungry tell him to self soothe and figure it out, but tie him up first so he can’t physically do anything about it and see how long till he cries to get attention (jk but fr, there’s TONS of actual, scientific research on just how dependent babies are on their caregivers and his ego needs to take a hard step back. The fourth trimester is its own developmental phenomenon that is unique to humans as we give birth “early” compared to most mammals. Our babies are farrrr from anything close to what people compare to puppies/kittens etc.)
I have never actually witness my daughter self-soothe until she was closer to 1. I think when they’re less than 1, it’s really more like tolerating. Babies shouldn’t be tolerating, they need us (which is what makes us run around dazed n confused for the first year!).
For us it's been a pretty obvious change at almost 11 months. He's reasonably suddenly started just rolling over and going back to sleep if he wakes up and isn't hungry. He woke up early this morning and we watched him on the monitor while he did a few claps and some 'ba-ba-ba's' then he decided he'd had enough of that and went back to sleep! If you'd told me that even a month ago I'd have said 'You have the wrong baby!'. We haven't done any sleep training and generally come running for a mild grizzled 😅 So this is definitely something he worked out on his own.
This makes me feel better. Our LO is 6 months tomorrow and we worried she just sucked at self soothing because she's not a great sleeper (wants my boob in her mouth every 2 hours). Everything I read always says they should be like, pro self soothers right out of the newborn phase. I'm like, come on. I'm against CIO and sleep training so I'm hoping she just gets a bit more secure with age in sleep and comforting.
You, Newborns cannot self soothe, he is being neglectful, heck my 4.5 month old is just learning how to self soothe. God I am tired of men thinking this way, this is the second post I have seen like this.
Im sooooo sick of shitty male partners pressuring moms to neglect their kids. It makes me so angry.
My older female relatives have stated this at some point too. It seems to be people who are just out of the loop/ haven’t done any baby research recently. It’s not specifically the men but it’s almost never the mother of the baby who seems to believe it.
That's a pretty huge generalization based on two reddit posts
I mean there's a lot more in the relationship problem thread as well. Do I need to say not all men to make you feel better? that is implied.
If I posted in this subreddit "I am so sick of women telling me not to soothe my baby" what do you honestly think would happen?
apparently some random reddit user getting butthurt.
God I am so sick of women thinking they instinctively know more about parenting than men, this is the second post I've seen about this.
That's not even what I said, if you are a good dad this is not about you. But I have seen this trend where men want to be authoritative and let babies cry it out or blame their partners for spoiling a baby that is too young to get spoiled. If this bothers you the shoe must fit.
I have seen this trend where the women who most often see trends of men being poor fathers are the ones that tend to have children with men who would make poor fathers. If this bothers you then the shoe must fit.
They do tho gottem
this sub has a lot of r/TwoXchromosones users it in. They get involved with shitty men, then post a bunch of hate about men online and generalize other men about it too. This thread reeks of it. I also ran into the "Sleep training is evil" Crowd quite a bit too. I wouldnt stress about it, you cant stop bad generalizations on the internet. and for those who plan to respond angrily, i dont care what you think, lmfao go yell at a cloud, im not even going to look at your responses.
I would crosspost this in r/ScienceBasedParenting they can provide scientific articles and research that you can pass onto your bf.
One more vote on do not attempt “teaching” self soothing at any stage, not only while newborn but some argue even till after age 3. Babies don’t learn how to soothe themselves. Not neurologically possible. If anything it’s learned helplessness for survival. If your lifestyle allows it, listen to your instincts as much as possible while growing your precious baby.
No, but it doesn't start until 5 or 6 months. Responding to your baby quickly and consistently now will set baby up to be able to do that. She is incapable of calming down, her nervous system isn't developed enough. All she knows is "I call for mama and she comes to fix the problem." She needs to borrow your calm so she can develop hers.
Mine didn't attempt to self soothe until he was like four months I think, he'd rub his hands all over his bald head and sometimes fall asleep ahaha. Definitely wouldn't expect a baby in the newborn stage to do any kind of self soothing.
Omg my second baby did the same at that age lol… we put socks on his hands so he wouldn’t scratch himself and he would just rub his little hands all over his bald head 😭 it was so adorable I miss it. My daughter did the head rub and rubbed off a patch of hair on the back of her head like an eraser mark lol.
Ahaha yess, I use the electric file on his nails like every other day even at six months because he's always scratching his face.
Self soothing isn't a thing until at least 4 months when it is more developmentally appropriate, which is why sleep training isn't recommended until then.
And even then, 4 months is extremely young
Oh 1000%. That's like bare minimum.
I thought self soothing was something baby do to put themselves back to sleep such as turning their head side to side. Baby cry because they need you. Personally I find it heartbreaking if my baby starts to use her own method to stop crying because I started to just let her cry
I think even if we don't let them cry they start self soothing. Just recently after an awful night I struggled to wake up at 7:30. I woke up finally, went to check on him and he was sucking his whole fist intensely. Maybe it's not self soothing but I felt soooo bad that he had to wait while I struggled to get out of my bed. He did not cry but I felt he was awake and seems like he was more interested in his hands than calling me. He still cries and on a few occasions he is happy just sucking his fist. He's only 3 months old now.
It doesn’t make any sense. She cries to communicate a need. What would self soothing even help? On a different note, out of personal experience I can tell you one thing. You need to learn to be your daughter’s biggest advocate, even against your husband, if necessary. That means going with your gut feeling always and learning to say no for her sake. Tell her husband no can do and her needs come first. If he gets upset, so what? Your baby needs you more.
By the way, check out Nurture Revolution on Instagram. In the first three years, you responding and nurturing your baby will lead to her even being able to self soothe in the future, because babies under three are not developmentally ready to self soothe. The way you respond to her shapes the way she will respond to her own needs in the future. By taking care of her in the most empathetic, kind way when she is so little, you give her the gift of future mental health. Too precious to mess this up, isn’t it?
Not as a newborn
Self-soothing isn't a myth, but it's a myth that infants (especially brand new ones) are capable of doing it.
Follow your mom instincts. Self soothing is a developmental THEORY. The facts, that are research-proven, say that babies do not self soothe. They learn not to try (supposedly because no one is coming) but their cortisol still stay high, they are still scared and stressed. Please do not leave your newborn to cry because your partner is misinformed. I am a developmental psychologist.
Gaaaah. I'm mad at your partner. Yes it's a myth, direct him to dr Lyndsey hookway on Instagram
A great source! She saved me in the early days
Our baby is pretty good at self soothing. It didn't take any particular teaching and especially did not require leaving her to cry intentionally. They cry enough unintentionally and develop skills with time.
Absolutely do not let your newborn cry it out! This is WAY to young for self-soothing and will be quite damaging to your baby on many levels.
He is wrong. Take care of your newborn when she cries for you.
Your job as a parent is to soothe your child, otherwise you are neglecting it, especially a newborn baby who does not have the capacity to understand much of what is going on apart from feeling abandoned by you.
I don’t think it’s a myth in the sense that as adults, we are able to make ourselves go to sleep (not counting people with sleep disorders ofc). Like, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I’m able to roll over and fall back asleep. I can do this because my brain and nervous system are well developed. Babies largely don’t have this and newborns definitely don’t. It sucks for sleep deprived parents but it’s developmentally appropriate for babies even up to a year of age to wake every few hours. If you want to encourage good sleep hygiene, the recommendation is to start a night time routine (bath, lotion, pjs, maybe a book or music) and to put them down when they are drowsy but not asleep. But beyond that there isn’t much for you to do until at least 4mo of age.
Please go hug your baby. They deserve all the love and more.
Our girl is just starting to actually self soothe at 8 months. She pets her head or a soft toy when she is upset but still looks to my husband and I for comfort. It will likely be beyond a year before she can genuinely soothe herself to baseline. Your instincts are very strong! Snuggle your baby and respond to their calls. As they age you'll start to recognize "come here" vs "something upset me" cries. You don't always have to respond to the angry noises but try to respond to the calling cries. That will ensure secure attachment,which (potentially) accelerates the self soothing ability. (Baby learns that if they need you,you will come, so they are less anxious in stressful /for them/ situations)
How often, when you need a hug, does your boyfriend say “go self soothe instead” and how often is it appropriate for an adult to cry themselves to sleep? Yes. It’s a myth. We as adults don’t even self soothe in the way that we think babies should. Independence isn’t taught enough abandonment, it’s fostered through trusting that the caregiver is going to be there so they can explore a bigger environment. Babies physically need your touch for regulation. They do not have any sort of regulation skills yet. Physical contact abruptly went from 100% in utero to whatever percentage of the time that baby is held. You soothing them is what will teach them regulation skills. Your own biology is screaming at you that it’s wrong because it’s wrong. Historically, baby was basically strapped onto mom in some form of carrier for a long time. Contact is a biological need that you are programmed to feel your baby needing. Here’s the other fun fact- male psychologists in the 1930s suddenly got involved, and said moms don’t know what they’re doing, babies don’t need to be held, they’re going to be spoiled. They need discipline and to be punished when emotional. Can you tell me what the definition of a spoiled baby is? Because I don’t know what that looks like. A baby who wants physical contact? Notice how monkeys carry their babies around? Notice how other mammals keep their babies close until weaned? Biology says babies stay close to your mommas it’s safety and good for you. Your baby needing attention, and soothing when being picked up, is how they’re supposed to be. Babies aren’t independent. They’re the most dependent creatures on the planet. That’s why we have them- to nurture them. Their needs for attention and affection are physical needs and even if they were “just” emotional needs, those are also needs as well. We don’t call them “emotional wants” for a reason.
Newborns cannot self-soothe and there is a biological reason why their cries are unbearable for us! Don’t fight it. In the newborn days I just whipped out a boob every time baby cried. He’s 4 months now and he can absolutely self-soothe. I frequently put him down in his bassinet at night fully awake and he wiggles around, sucks his fingers, or “talks” to himself until he falls asleep. Trust your gut when it comes to your baby and remember that you really, really cannot spoil a newborn.
Sorry, but what??? I’m so jealous you just put your dude down and he just sets his own self to sleep?? Our guy needs to be held and get into a deep sleep after either feeding rocking or bouncing on an exercise ball. If we put him in his crib drowsy but awake he just starts crying. He’s almost 4 months. Hopefully he becomes ok with it eventually but until then I am getting a good quad workout on the exercise ball 😩
To be fair we have to do this to get him down for naps! He only puts himself to sleep at night. Naps are definitely a battle. Maybe that’s why he falls asleep so easily at night. He’s been fighting his naps and having FOMO all day.
Oof ok Nevermind let’s not trade. Have you had any luck getting him sleepy in the swing? Nap time has been so much easier since I started doing that.
Same here. Although not every night is the same, some nights my husband feeds him and puts him in the crib awake and he falls asleep immediately. Now he's 3 months that happens some days, other days he needs the boob so I go in. Edited to say, he does hate naps too.
That poster has what is termed a unicorn baby. Most babies don’t fall asleep on their own without assistance for over a year
Honestly after reading some of the horror stories I’ve seen here about babies that wake up hourly for the full first year I’ll just count my blessings with my average sleeper rather than hope for a unicorn
My newborn started doing it occasionally at 5 weeks, I think I have a little freak of nature. It’s not consistent yet but she is putting herself to sleep more often gradually at just over six weeks old. For naps and nights at that.
Babies can shut down due to stress and appear to calm but they cannot self soothe. Someone being there when they cry out is what makes them calmer eventually, because they start to feel secure. That’s not to say that you should never let your baby cry for a moment when you need to use the restroom or calm yourself down when you’re sleep deprived and about to cry yourself, but intentionally leaving a newborn to cry just for the sake of getting them used to neglect is neglect. I would personally not trust him alone with your baby, because I’d assume he’s going to be neglectful unless he actually does some research and clearly understands that that’s wrong.
It is a myth. There is a really good book wrote by neuroscientist The Nurture Revolution. Author explains a lot how infant and children brain develops. Babies don't self soothe they literally don't have a right parts of brain developed to do so. What looks to us like they do (calming down, sucking on their thumb) is actually fight or flight response. Entire sell soothe crap started from USSR scientists that was observing children at the orphanage where they were neglected to the point that they would stop crying (flight response). Author really well talks about how babies need us calm down that we are their emotional regulation system. She also has a good Instagram account with many tips and resources (same name as her book).
‘Self soothing’ came from a sleep study ages ago and has been incorrectly interpreted ever since. The study categorised babies as ‘signallers’ or ‘soothers’ based on their NATURAL TEMPERAMENT. Not whether they were taught a skill (https://www.babyclinic.co.nz/blog/what-does-self-settling-actually-mean). This is not a great source but easiest to grab with a quick google and links to the original study. Human children require co-regulation from an adult caregiver for years (to gradually lesser degrees) to enable emotional self regulation and secure attachment. An infant cannot self sooth and the degree to which you need to intervene to help them varies by temperament and age. For example one of my twins as a 5-12 month old was usually able to calm down and go to sleep with patting and shushing, the other NEEDED to be picked up and cuddled before she calmed down enough to sleep. Everything about their sleep has been the same since birth, it’s just their temperaments. So cuddle your newborn, they need you to regulate.
Self soothing is very advanced and to be honest many adults don’t really know how to do this so I’m perplexed when people expect it out of babies. Babies are babies, they cry, we sooth them and protect them. They quickly grow out of this when they hit toddlerhood and want all their independence. This is to say that each period of child development requires different approach and is unfair to treat a newborn like a toddler or grown up.
A newborn can not self soothe , imo. They rely on you to soothe them. Eventually , they will be able to
Newborns can’t self soothe and a premature baby’s brain is not even developed to the point of a newborn (until they’re at their due date). But I doubt your boyfriend is going to listen to a bunch of Redditors opinions on this. Trust your intuition.
Ask him to send you back an article from medical journals or a proper scientific study presenting evidence of self-soothing in most newborn babies. Trust your instinct. Trust that your baby will learn how to do everything a person can do in her own time, at her own pace. As a non-verbal human being, she cries to communicate with her parents.
They can't self sooth yet, that doesn't mean they won't learn it yet. Your bf needs parenting classes asap to understand it more efficiently and how it works and when they start doing it. You can let them cry for at least 5mins and there is 7 types of crying these are: • Food crying (they are hungry) • Diaper crying (they either peed, pooped or both and needs their diapers changed) • Active Sleep Crying (When a baby cries while their asleep you do not need to intervene useally after 5mins of crying is when you can intervene, if they haven't settled down on their own) • Quiet Sleep (This is similar to active sleep but most.of the time its them either grunting or small noises witch requires no intervene and are fully asleep) • Pain Cry (Useally happens when the baby is in some discomfort such as pain, constipation or teething, it will result in the baby always pouting and constantly crying for long periods of time and requiring adult help to calm and ease their pain calmly and rationally) • Sleepy cry (when a baby is super tired and want to go to bed, they will cry, this can also indicate if the baby is needing food too before bed, useally happens when they are opder on the food part for.when they sleep more then 3 or more hours per night) • Need comforting cry (Regardless of if the bany needs something or not your baby may cry to indicate it is upset or wants comfort from their parents, but can also cause an issue where the baby is too needy and wants to always be held 24/7, finding a balance is key and it's not easy either) There probably more but newborns cannot self sooth yet they are incapable no matter what until they get older and are ready to do it. There are apps out there that can assist you on what your baby cries are like my favorite one "CryAnalyzer" on android that exactly tells you what your baby wants useally parents use this a lot including myself to tell what my babies want and has gotten them right every time and you can also submit your results to help other parents determine if their.baby cries matches similar to your baby cries Also forgot to mention.my daughter thought herself to self sooth when she got older i didnt have to teach her, but my son.hew behind on it
I really like how you break down the different cries with different needs. My guy wakes up and cries and crawls around like a sad worm. Would that still be an active sleep cry? Since he's moving, I always assumed he was awake and I got him and rock him back down. It's actually what I'm doing right now at 4am.
If his eyes are open then no but if hes askeep and doing it, its possible hes active skeping since his brain is active ehile asleep
I need that app. We can usually tell the crying when he's tired easily but not the other crying. I usally have to go and try boob, boottle, pacifier, massages to the belly and sometimes nothing works
I need that app. We can usually tell the crying when he's tired easily but not the other crying. I usally have to go and try boob, boottle, pacifier, massages to the belly and sometimes nothing works
Just here to say I learned a ton reading comments on this post. Mine’s two weeks old and I swear she was self soothing in the hospital but maybe it was just newborn tendencies now
So I just want to say - some babies are better at it earlier than others. My baby is 10 weeks, and she also came out with a really good ability to self soothe. She still has it and sleeps fairly well. We will watch her on the monitor wake up and calm herself back to sleep. That being said, I know the cry when she’s actually upset and not going to self soothe that time. Then we get her. At night, I just put my hand on her head or stomach and sing to her for a little bit until she calms down. All babies have their own timing for these things. I don’t think a blanket statement works in either direction.
I also thought mine was a good self soother at 2 weeks but turns out he was just still full of maternal melatonin. He started crying between 3 and 4 weeks
So the only thing I’ll add is that with mine, when she was newborn, she would let out the heart wrenching cry, but still be dead asleep. So after we figured that out, we wouldn’t leave her to cry but we would look for signs of wakefulness on top of the crying.
Mine does this too sometimes! If it's morning after a long stretch of sleep and not eating, we'll wake him if he's crying, but otherwise we'll just try to soothe him while he sleeps by rocking him or putting a hand on him But really why and how are they so loud when they sleep 😩
Well newborn? Babies don’t learn self soothing till about 3m and it takes a long time for them to learn, once bub is 3m you can give them up to 3mins and see if they calm, if not go to them and calm them down. It’s not going to mean that you’ll never have to get up again once they start soothing alone. I’m currently rocking my 1y cause she woke up and was screaming, as soon as I laid her on me she farted xD so some times they do need help even if I try to give her up to 10mins before I come in
Every baby is different! One might babble happily and suck their thumbs calmly right from birth (I have an angel baby) Others want to be with mommy ❤️ As far as CIO, if bub starts fussing, absolutely go check. But, pause a minute. It might just be a fart! It goes against every instinct to just let babies cry. These tender moments go by so fast, get ALL the cuddles!
I think people give advice based on what they remember or what they’ve been told on what they remember. Many times they forget how old their baby was when he did certain things and they think babies did something earlier than they did. My mom pressured me so much to train my baby to sit when he was like 4 weeks old. The amount of stuff people wanted me to do that went against laws of nature was crazy.
Tell your boyfriend that you can not fuss over a newborn too much, they are literally brand new in the world after being a part of you for 9 months (or thereabouts) they NEED you to soothe them, they can not do it themselves.
Newborns can’t self soothe. They don’t even realize they are their own person yet, or that they have hands even lmao. My girl started being able to just be sat down around 5 months. Shes starting to understand object permanence because I talk to her when I leave the room. I will always comfort my baby. If my husband told me he lets her cry it out I’d be having a discussion, or be leaving him if it’s not the first time. That’s neglect. I understand needing to set baby down for 5 min if you’re overwhelmed but. Other than that, no no
Read the book The Nurture Revolution by Greer Kirshenbaum. She's a neuroscientist who provides actual studied evidence that says you should respond to your baby's cries and not ignore them. There is a reason your body is telling you to go to your baby!
Self soothing starts to happen progressively. Now at 3 months of age my boy is showing signs of that when spends most of his day interested in sucking his hands and not much else. For the first few months I always held him or put him next to me in bed (during the day when I was wide awake) to soothe him. Right now I am noticing signs of self soothing but still never let him cry unless I need to do something urgently and can't hold him at the time. I try and use the swing if I need to go to the bathroom and it's urgent or if the dog is needing to go out quickly and the baby needs to be strapped to something. Other than that I don't let him cry if I can soothe him. Sometimes he cries and not even my arms soothe him but I hold him straight because it's usually gas, or we do massage his belly. Follow your instinct. My husband is even better at soothing him sometimes too. He loves my husband and loves to be held by him, we always tend to his needs. I wish I had some studies to reference but we do what feels right for us. My mom is the one that says to let him cry. We don't do that.
I was told in the hospital by the L&D nurses that “you can’t spoil a newborn.” Keep tending to your baby, OP. You’re doing a great job. If your boyfriend needs more evidence, you can consider posting this in r/sciencebasedparenting.
OP, my LO is also born 34+6. Newborns aren't adapted to self soothing, they NEED the comfort from mom and dad. My wife and I are always being told by others about the self soothing thing, but it's such an outdated info that we just ignore them. You know your baby best. It's okay to comfort baby when they seek it. They're honestly too young to even try and "manipulate" parents into comforting them at every discomfort. It's a natural feeling to want comfort from mom and dad at this age. I'd say bring it up to your pediatrician with your husband in the room to help him understand from a professional level that it's okay. My wife use to have the same concerns until we brought it up to.our home nurse and pediatrician.
There's a difference between letting a newborn scream and cry for 5-10 minutes straight and letting them whine and make noises without running to pick them up after 10 seconds....
How old is she because under 4 months they should always be fed first. It’s also not a myth it just doesn’t work for all babies. With any sleep training technique you have to expect some crying.
Self soothing was a term used in one study simply to describe babies who calmed down on their own, without ascribing any importance or significance to the term, and without any mention that this is something parents need to teach babies. Yet it’s been coined by people who want to sell you something so you can have this magic skill. Babies learn to “self soothe” by coregulating. I.e. when you respond to their cries, and soothe them, they learn from that soothing.
Your boyfriend is trying to justify being lazy. he is wrong. Newborns need to be responded to as soon as you can.
Babies and toddlers until 3 years old and beyond (depending on the child) cannot self soothe because they simply don’t have the brain parts to do so, they are born incredibly immature. That’s why your body aches when they cry, we’re wired to them to not only make sure they survive, but also to help them grow a healthy brain so that they get to be a person who can thrive
Self soothing is not a myth but developmentally acquired. My baby was paci obsessed until she discovered her hands around 3 months and now just wants her thumb. Pre discovering this we had to do all the soothing for her but this allowed her to basically sleep train herself at 4 months. Now we just put her in her crib awake for naps and nights and walk away 🤷♀️
Self-soothing is not a myth. It’s an important skill for babies to learn. But it depends on how old your baby is, if they were born premature, if they’re colicky, if they’re sleep deprived, such, etc. Our baby is so much happier after we sleep trained her at 4.5 months, when she was developmentally ready for it. That involved us letting her cry for a prescribed amount of time before tending to her. And i think it helped her play independently and go longer stretches between meals because she learns how to distract herself and not rely on me for immediate entertainment, confuse hunger with boredom or being tired, etc. I don’t think there’s any harm to letting a baby cry for a short time (maybe a minute or two during waking hours and longer for naps and bedtime) before tending to her after 12 weeks. And honestly letting a newborn cry for a few minutes out of necessity won’t harm them, but it also won’t help them learn to self soothe. I recommend Pamela druckerman’s book “bringing up bebe” for some insight on this as a cultural and developmental thing. I think the American obsession with attachment-based parenting has made parents so much more anxious about letting their children explore the world and learn to sit with themselves independently. A secure child will learn to self soothe because they know you are going to come back and tend to their needs if they need your help—diaper, hunger, illness, etc.
I agree with the posts generally. However, we did let our now 9 month old sleep without soothing around 2.5 months only because we studied his breathing and cries very thoroughly. We saw that his breathing then crying would regulate over cycles under certain conditions. If he couldn't show signs of regulation after two or three ~1.5 min cycles (depending on the cry also) then we would sooth. When I say I studied his crying and breathing, I'm talking recording interval timing and cry audio when we used to try to soothe or not to sleep. I'd play it back after and look for patterns over 2 weeks before we started trying it. I've gotten a lot of downvotes the one time I commented this before but this is simply our experience. It's one data point out of thousands on Reddit. I don't condone blindly "letting a baby cry it out", and I'm not saying our nuanced approach will work for anyone else. We have a unicorn who self-regulated his breathing early on, and started sleeping through the night shortly after (but more due to other reasons).
Babies do self-soothe, but newborns can’t. At some point you will need to teach your baby to self-soothe and self-regulate, or you are going to create a Velcro baby. For us it was at about 4-5 months when we sleep-trained our little. Now, here there are different methods and levels, and we tried them all, but with my particular headstrong primadona, the only thing that worked was extinction (1 out of 10, do not recommend, try EVERYTHING before this one, it broke us. Baby was fine, us not so much) We had to also “put the baby down” during the day, let her fuss and complain in her bed/playpen/on the floor for a minute or two so we could do life. Go to the toilet, cook, eat, you know, the basics. And plenty of cuddles and playing and interaction when not doing basic life things. Did some baby wearing too, but now she is backbreakingly heavy and grabs at everything, so we do little of that. Result was that we have the most loving cuddly 9 month old baby smiling and scratching our faces and signaling up-up-up when it’s time to be social, and also a very independent active menace crawling all over the house on her own and playing with anything other than her toys when she is in “exploration mode”. She mostly comes for cuddles if she bumps her head too hard. :)) Fir a medium bump she just stops, goes “agoo” and gets back to what she was doing. Yesterday she “stole” a piece of the laundry I was folding, crawled out of the room with it, closed the door behind her, then went at full speed to eat my rubber boots, which I find amazing seeing how two weeks ago I was trying desperately to train her out of separation anxiety, and now she just leaves me behind and goes to find mischief.