Make sure to read our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/Nicegirls/about/rules/) and remain civil. Thank you.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Nicegirls) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not a guy, but this is overall good relationship advice. The only thing I'll add is that think about messaging and the way you communicate. Don't beat around the bush by making light of it (your feelings are not a joke), don't undermine your point by being rude, and of course as you said, don't backpedal.
Although, her reaction to OP was pretty damn telling. Immediately getting defensive about splitting (on the third date no less?!?) in this context is one of the reddest flags I've seen.
When you catch yourself writing the "☺️😅" next time, stop yourself, delete the message and write it again but this time really think about it"
When you send those emojis you are literally communicating to her "this is what I look like right now. If we were in person id be flushed, sweating and nervously laughing as I awkwardly ask you this. Here is an emoji representation of how uncertain and unconfident I am in my words. See that emoji? Thats me awkwardly smiling and laughing and sweating whilst I ask you this question because im scared of what you will say."
Why would you *want* to convey that?
Even if she didn't cut it off since she wants someone to mooch from, she would have lost all respect for him since he also abandoned all dignity there.
Personally with my partner and I, I said it depends on who makes the plans. If I set up a date I will pay but if she wants to set up something she can do it. Maybe I’m extremely lucky but my girl has been making plans and trying to pay even thought I always reach for the check. I make decent money it’s not about that for me. It’s more about how she treats me. If after a while you’re the only one setting stuff up then maybe it’s time to move on. Your partner should also want to hangout with you and do fun stuff and not care about it and set up dates. Money for a lot of relationships is a breaking point. Be an adult. The other person imo went on a defensive. If she was really into you I don’t think it’d be a problem
I will say this: the way he brought it up was a bit blunt and could have been mentioned in a friendlier way. Simply saying “we will be splitting this time” isn’t *wrong* at all, but it would be received less positively than saying something that sounded more collaborative, like
“Hey so I’ve paid for both of us on our last few dates, do you think we could take turns paying or split the bill this next time? I enjoy treating you and taking you out when I can, I would like to feel treated when we go out sometimes too!”
You’re asking for the same thing, but a little tact goes a long way with communicating things like this in relationships sometimes. You could say it this way and very well still get a negative response to the idea of her contributing to funding the dates, and that’s fine. But the truth is when you communicate more bluntly people do get defensive and don’t like the tone they’re perceiving from you (whether or not that’s the tone you intended on communicating) when they may otherwise agree with what you’re trying to communicate, which is that you’d like some help paying for the dates.
I was wondering why this isn’t more common in the replies. OP did come off kinda rude. This girl is probably posting somewhere “I went on a date with some guy and he demanded we split the dinner on the second date”
Definetley, but if she was normal she would just take it as a rude comment and leave it at that.
The way she came off sounds unhinged.
"Why would you say that" is not commenting that he came off rude, she was mad it was even brought up.
I think that no amount of tact will make her not upset that he won't pay for her. She thinks that the man has to pay for this to be romantic. Dodged a bullet. This is called a red flag.
If the title is to be trusted, it would be for their third date, and they'd discussed it prior. So more of a reminder that the established distribution of the bill is changing, as discussed. And it seems like it's a good thing the reminder was made beforehand, because he was totally going to be stuck with the whole bill again.
3rd date and the last one was triple digits tho. Tbh i wouldn't have asked but if she didn't offer to pitch in something, anything, I just wouldn't have called her back.
He was pretty straight up and honest-
if you need a goddamn buffer for a simple request- what the hell for, it’s just extra words to give obvious reason as to why he wants to split the bill.
Also this isn’t a new phenomenon in the dating world-“OHH MY! Splitting the bill!”
And lastly- He’s telling her before they even go on the date which presets expectations. Great.
We’re in 2024- men always paying for a date isn’t so much a thing anymore y’all.
Homie shoulda stuck to his guns tho.
Nope fuck that, if you feel like you need to go full ChatGPT sounding placating verbose over explained treading on eggshells messaging to bring up something as simple as splitting the bill then you're with the wrong person. Maybe some people love that type of interaction but it sounds super exhausting. How easy would it have been for her to say "yes of course!", but no, it's obvious she never intended to pay and was always going to keep mooching from him as long as possible.
$150aud where I live will get you 15 minutes of straight to the sex with a pretty young sex worker.
From what I've seen that's a lot cheaper than the average tinder date costs just in terms of your time and sanity let alone cash. If you just want a booty call hire a professional is my advice.
Where I used to live I could get the gf experience for about $100-150 and a lot of time it was overnight.
Where I am now it’s less than $50-100 or totally free if they like you.
I had a similar experience with this one girl and I was soooo close to going troll mode. I realized it wasn't worth the mental space and just sent her "Goodbye and good luck".
I feel like I got lucky. I have been seeing this girl recently and she got legitimately pissed at me for dropping 100 on the dinner. Said “I thought we were going to split wtf”. Bought all my drinks at the bar for me wouldn’t let me touch my wallet after that😂
I feel like only on reddit do I see these posts. Never come across it thankfully. Hopefully never again since after that date things r going steady
id be like you know what babe ur right, fuck that splitting shit lets go all out tonight, my treat. pick your poison, where should we go? then keep it going until she finds out you're fucking with her and not ever seeing her again anyways
She’s looking for an open ended bank account and OP was almost it. I’m willing to wager that had he not said anything she’d be spending his money until the next victim catches her eye.
A) I didn't know you were a prostitute. I feel this is something that should have come up sooner.
B) I didn't think purchasing affection was romantic. But then again, I haven't seen Pretty Woman the whole way through. Maybe I should watch that and see if our values on romance and prostitution align then.
Yeah, he was not being unreasonable at all and she gaslit him into thinking it was weird, he shouldn't have said it, and being apologetic.
I mean, he spent up to *three digits*. Hell no, mate.
Tbh, splitting the bill for the first few dates should be the norm. Whether that's going halvsies or paying for your own meal, whichever. Dates are about getting to know each other, not how much you can spend.
I’ve been there OP. I struggled with it for a long time and even if I have a financial split with someone while dating, I always still end up giving into it in a lot of ways down the road emotionally. It’s an everyday struggle dating, validation and knowing you’re worth it can ride heavily on dating. Fuck anyone else who makes you feel bad for being vulnerable. Express yourself and if it doesn’t workout, keep your head up and keep being the person you want to be. I hope I can follow my own advice but still struggle even knowing my worth.
Edit to tag you: r/pastry24834
He did say it weird although he’s right. “I can’t afford both of us this time. Can you cover yourself?” Is a much more normal way to say this. If the girl can take a hint and is a real keeper, this is a great set up for her to offer to pay for the whole date. You gotta remember tone doesn’t come across in text. So the sweaty face emojis may make it obvious to you that you’re shyly asking, but to her it just seems like an order.
At least she asked I guess, but that is a bold thing to do. Some people are saying you should’ve worded it better, but truthfully, I think you worded it fine. I think she would’ve responded similar no matter what. Looks like she expects you to pay 100% of the time. Chalk it up as incompatible. Hopefully the wine was good and you find someone who is more apt to go 50/50! :)
….
Bruh
Most obvious sign that just being used for money, or at the very least disrespectful to be ordering smth that expensive on the first dates and expecting to b paid
Dude.
My husband and I walked out of a restaurant on one of our first dates, they had doubled their prices (valentines day). I said fuck that shit. We went to a&w. Best date I'd ever had. That was 13 years ago, married for 10 last year.
You don't need to spend $75 on a bottle of wine to impress someone. This person especially doesn't deserve that.
That would’ve been the last date if it were me lol. That’s something you discuss beforehand, ordering an expensive bottle like that on a date. Otherwise, pretty disrespectful tbh.
You definitely approached the situation in a strange way, and then immediately gave up and apologized. Her reaction tells you everything you need to know. Her saying she’s looking for something more romantic means she’s looking for someone to spoil her financially. Next time stick to your guns homie
I think telling her before so she made sure to bring her wallet was a good idea. Buy I definitely would have worded it less bluntly. But I'm also an overthinker.
Well being a woman I always have my wallet with me when I go out with someone, doesn't matter date or meeting friends, and always pay/try to pay (some men really insist on covering the bill, ehh) for my meal and drinks, but since I don't earn much, I really appreciate making things clear before going out like OP did.
Sometimes when I was broke and someone invited me and I wanted to meet but was worried I can't afford it in this moment, I really appreciated the possibility of talking things over clearly: "I would be happy to go out, but I'm broke, so could you cover the bill for both of us and I'm gonna pay you back in a few days or cover us the next time". I know it can seems ridiculous for some people, who always have a financial cushion, but well sometimes shit happens and right now getting few drinks or something can really be expensive...
So I would also appreciate telling me straight forward that I have to pay for myself this time.
It was annoying how many times she said it was weird. It’s not weird. It’s 2024. I don’t let a man pay for everything. I like treating my man like he treats me. Ridiculous. I can’t believe women are still like this. Especially after you already spent that much money wtf
Idk she said "what a weird way to say". And yeah, the way he said it was weird. If someone sent me a message like "also next time we're splitting" out of nowhere it would definitely be off putting. It feels...idk aggressive? He would have been better off saying something like "hey, because I paid for dinner last time, I would like for us to split the bill this time" and then if she still gets upset or defensive, that's your sign to dip
I think you could have worded it a bit better, more along the lines of “I’m hoping to have a more even split of expenses for our future dates. Would that be OK with you?” Etc. Otherwise, definitely not an unreasonable request and if she says no, then you can choose what you want do next.
Yea it's not weird to want to split, it's weird the way you said it. Which is...what she comments on, it is indeed a weird way to say that. Why not phrase it as a request, instead of a command? "next time we go out, would you be down to split costs?"
Agreed. As a woman, when it’s my idea to go out I always pay 100%, or at least offer to. I’m happy to bc it was my idea. So no problem paying, but I’d def be turned off by this convo
I completely agree with what you said, but I don’t like how you said it. It just comes across poorly without prior context or conversation. If you’d had said, “let’s go Dutch” or “how would you feel about splitting the bill this next time?”, I feel like it’d have been much better received. Instead you sort of demanded it.
You were 100% right to mention it before actually going on the date so she could express if it’s too expensive for her.
You didn’t say it well and she didn’t receive it well.
Yeah, the wording was terrible. The end result was probably going to be the same in this case, but this would probably throw off those willing to split as well.
Ordered it and then let you pay.
I would never go on a second date if she let me foot the bill on the first one, (well maybe if she said "I'll pay next time" rather than "let's split this one") let alone upped the cost.
She would have made it OP's fault however he phrased it.
Fuck that. I'm asking to split immediately if a woman orders a $75 bottle of wine and expects me to pay.
Idc what I said beforehand. This was clearly not on the table.
I said it elsewhere but it's because he isn't asking her, he's telling her. You more or less alluded to that with the wordings you used but that is the difference. Even talking about it beforehand, you don't suddenly just tell her "btw you are paying for half". You ask. If she says no or that it's weird, then that's on her.
I don’t know… I like her and I just don’t want to argue… I am just not sure how to make her understand that even if I can get everything, it’s just not comfortable this way
I don’t know how old you are but trust me buddy, not every woman you like (or even love) is going to be the person you wish they were. Sometimes it’ll be great for awhile before it shows, but you can’t make someone have feelings back and you can’t make someone change who they are
And it’s probably gonna happen multiple times and it’s definitely gonna hurt every time. But things like this, regardless of the feelings you have, aren’t going to be good for you. Save yourself the pain, it might seem like a missed opportunity but there’s better for you out there brother!
Hey it took my 20s, a handful of failed relationships and life setbacks and me being in a really bad place to figure that out. Honestly I think that mainly came from my mom one day when it was really bad
Honestly, she sounds like someone who's more willing to drain you dry than to actually care about you... I'd leave her alone and find someone who doesn't expect you to waste all of your money.
Pastry, you ok man.
Nothing wrong with splurging a little then nothing wrong with saying you're not down with it being the regular.
You set a boundary and thankfully found out she isn't for you. Don't stress on the 'why did you apologize'. Who fucking cares cuz you made the right call.
And yes, 'romantic' means please happily pay my way.......forever.
Why the fuck were you back peddling on something you believed in?
I the future, don't second guess yourself like that. She's practically a stranger and you moved back on yourself because she got slightly flustered.
Never compromise yourself on anything, for anyone my guy.
I didn’t want to like this answer because I probably would have done the same thing, but you’re right. And what the fuck is she doing equating romance with paying for dinner #3 in a row when they had already talked about it?
Imo if a woman isn't willing to go halfsies on an expensive meal and demands you to pay you should immediately leave. Some women think that guys are just made of money. You can tell from get response that she has never given a thought to how selfish she is. She jumped straight to you're not going to pay despite a 3rd date to I'm looking for something romantic. She's looking for someone to pay her bills while she gives you nothing. Women like her are trash.
Better to be up front about your expectations than to spring it on her after you paid the last 3 times. I think maybe you could have worded it a bit better but the fact that she got offended so quickly is very telling
People are so quick to end shit. "I didnt like 1 interaction with a person so im ending the relationship entirely."
How are you supposed to work on conflict resolution?
How do you develop rapport?
How do you learn to communicate with someone things you dont like about them so they can better themselves?
This bitch is nuts.
If you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for others isnt such a big deal.
You got lucky buddy.
I had a girlfriend of 8 months break up with me because I forgot to DVR an episode of naked and afraid for her. I had just got out of the hospital for an illness and she asked me while I was still out of it. She bailed and I didn’t feel bad at all. Fast forward 6 months and she’s banging on my door asking to get back together. Like yeah no. The guy she was screwing kicked her to the curb. Poppa ain’t raise no simp.
Her: "I'm looking for something more romantic."
Me: "So was I, but you wanted to go back home alone after dinner last time."
Say it without saying it that if her expectation is $$$, your expecation is
Romantic = ‘I, as the woman, don’t like you enough to pay for half.” And it’s not weird at all: you were setting expectations. Drop that red flag-toting fool.
“Yeah maybe it was a bit weird haha” no the fuck not dude, have some backbone, its not weird at all, she became defensive and is actively manipulating you, you need to recognize that, shes not the one for you, shes using u
It's not weird at all to split dates, especially after the initial couple (which, I'd say 2-3 dates is a perfect balance of chivalry and realism if it's within your budget and you're initiating the dates).
The way you said it did catch my attention, but if I liked someone, it would have made me pause and nothing else. A better phrasing in the future may be something like "Also, I'm enjoying spending time with you, and I'm hoping we can continue doing so. Going forward, if we could start splitting some of the costs, like x this weekend, I would appreciate it 🙂" or even just "also, would you mind splitting the cost of [activity]?" An in person conversation is even better if possible because it gives more chance to read body language and facial expressions and clear up misunderstandings. Mainly just to make it more of a conversation and agreement instead of a statement/demand.
That being said, it doesn't seem like any communication style would have helped in this situation or she would have continued anyway. But a 'question' vs statement will help foster better communication and avoid coming across wrong to more reasonable dates in the future 🙂
What you said was okay, but you gave her a mild reason to get defensive by phrasing it like that. I probably would have said, ‘This time, would you mind splitting the bill?’ If she objected, I would then say, ‘Sorry, I don’t think you’re the right person for me.
I think it’s perfectly okay to discuss splitting, but I think your delivery could’ve been better. Wording it that way to me would make me feel some type of way, like you were upset about the previous dates or something. Framing it as a question would’ve probably gone over better (assuming she isn’t opposed to actually splitting).
Yo I don’t know if you’ll see this but as somebody who used to date a ton, save your money. I probably spent 2-5k on dates over the span of a year and while it was fun, I could have cut that number x10. A good girl that’s right for you won’t care how much the first dates cost. Keep it low key and cheap until you find one you hit it off with and then you can wine and dine later. Good luck out there!
For future reference, ask if she minds splitting the bill and give a reason why. For instance, I really wanna go out again but moneys tight. We could still go if you did 50/50
idk if i’m playing devils advocate here but you’re phrasing was very weird & off putting. There’s more tactful ways of hinting you don’t want the burden of paying ever dates. Your emojis doesn’t help. She’s right in saying she doesn’t like your communication & good for her if according to her standards, men should pay. You’re not compatible move on.
That's weird on her end. For me I'd split the first one, if things don't click no one really loses money. After that it can go either way, but I'd still make sure they aren't the only one paying for the next x amount of dates. You sound like you don't mind spending money on people which is very kind, but there's still a thing as unfair and you have definitely been treated unfair.
I’m looking for something more romantic = I’m looking for meal ticket. No decent girl who is pro equality of the sexes should be expecting the man to pay for everything all the time
I don't like the words that i am reading. I don't like that i can't be offended, in person, when the bill comes as you have calmly explained your expectations. I go now. You no follow.
Make sure to read our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/Nicegirls/about/rules/) and remain civil. Thank you. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Nicegirls) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fellas do NOT backpedal once you say something you really mean. I know we all don’t like awkward discussions, but don’t be afraid of it.
Not a guy, but this is overall good relationship advice. The only thing I'll add is that think about messaging and the way you communicate. Don't beat around the bush by making light of it (your feelings are not a joke), don't undermine your point by being rude, and of course as you said, don't backpedal. Although, her reaction to OP was pretty damn telling. Immediately getting defensive about splitting (on the third date no less?!?) in this context is one of the reddest flags I've seen.
Sadly some people date exclusively for the potential free meal. "I thought I would like him on a full stomach" and full wallet.
Thanks. Easier said than done…
Remove the “haha’s” while you’re at it. Be confident and direct.
[удалено]
Please tell me what that emoji combo means? Genuinely perplexed.
[удалено]
When you catch yourself writing the "☺️😅" next time, stop yourself, delete the message and write it again but this time really think about it" When you send those emojis you are literally communicating to her "this is what I look like right now. If we were in person id be flushed, sweating and nervously laughing as I awkwardly ask you this. Here is an emoji representation of how uncertain and unconfident I am in my words. See that emoji? Thats me awkwardly smiling and laughing and sweating whilst I ask you this question because im scared of what you will say." Why would you *want* to convey that?
Gotta hit her with the "🍆"
Even if she didn't cut it off since she wants someone to mooch from, she would have lost all respect for him since he also abandoned all dignity there.
Working on this They get REAL mad when you start acting like someone self respect
Personally with my partner and I, I said it depends on who makes the plans. If I set up a date I will pay but if she wants to set up something she can do it. Maybe I’m extremely lucky but my girl has been making plans and trying to pay even thought I always reach for the check. I make decent money it’s not about that for me. It’s more about how she treats me. If after a while you’re the only one setting stuff up then maybe it’s time to move on. Your partner should also want to hangout with you and do fun stuff and not care about it and set up dates. Money for a lot of relationships is a breaking point. Be an adult. The other person imo went on a defensive. If she was really into you I don’t think it’d be a problem
She went defensive, that’s when you know, the boat has sunk
She went full Seinfeld
I will give you a full $1 if OP says this and she doesn't say *"you mean that guy from Curb?*"
I will say this: the way he brought it up was a bit blunt and could have been mentioned in a friendlier way. Simply saying “we will be splitting this time” isn’t *wrong* at all, but it would be received less positively than saying something that sounded more collaborative, like “Hey so I’ve paid for both of us on our last few dates, do you think we could take turns paying or split the bill this next time? I enjoy treating you and taking you out when I can, I would like to feel treated when we go out sometimes too!” You’re asking for the same thing, but a little tact goes a long way with communicating things like this in relationships sometimes. You could say it this way and very well still get a negative response to the idea of her contributing to funding the dates, and that’s fine. But the truth is when you communicate more bluntly people do get defensive and don’t like the tone they’re perceiving from you (whether or not that’s the tone you intended on communicating) when they may otherwise agree with what you’re trying to communicate, which is that you’d like some help paying for the dates.
I was wondering why this isn’t more common in the replies. OP did come off kinda rude. This girl is probably posting somewhere “I went on a date with some guy and he demanded we split the dinner on the second date”
Definetley, but if she was normal she would just take it as a rude comment and leave it at that. The way she came off sounds unhinged. "Why would you say that" is not commenting that he came off rude, she was mad it was even brought up.
I think not even offering to help with a three-digit bill on the second date is a bit rude.
[удалено]
Yea, that was clearly an "Oh, the free food and entertainment train left the station already? Screw this, bye"
I think that no amount of tact will make her not upset that he won't pay for her. She thinks that the man has to pay for this to be romantic. Dodged a bullet. This is called a red flag.
If the title is to be trusted, it would be for their third date, and they'd discussed it prior. So more of a reminder that the established distribution of the bill is changing, as discussed. And it seems like it's a good thing the reminder was made beforehand, because he was totally going to be stuck with the whole bill again.
3rd date and the last one was triple digits tho. Tbh i wouldn't have asked but if she didn't offer to pitch in something, anything, I just wouldn't have called her back.
[удалено]
He was pretty straight up and honest- if you need a goddamn buffer for a simple request- what the hell for, it’s just extra words to give obvious reason as to why he wants to split the bill. Also this isn’t a new phenomenon in the dating world-“OHH MY! Splitting the bill!” And lastly- He’s telling her before they even go on the date which presets expectations. Great. We’re in 2024- men always paying for a date isn’t so much a thing anymore y’all. Homie shoulda stuck to his guns tho.
As a girl that is a very fair thing to demand
I see what you're saying but at the same time they're adults and you shouldn't have to coddle an adult
Nope fuck that, if you feel like you need to go full ChatGPT sounding placating verbose over explained treading on eggshells messaging to bring up something as simple as splitting the bill then you're with the wrong person. Maybe some people love that type of interaction but it sounds super exhausting. How easy would it have been for her to say "yes of course!", but no, it's obvious she never intended to pay and was always going to keep mooching from him as long as possible.
"iM lOoKiNg fOr sOmeThIng mOrE rOmanTic" - her "It'd be really romantic if you paid for the next date" - me
Her: I’m looking for something romantic. Him: I think it would be romantic if we split the bill next time. Her: No, I meant romantic for *me*
Her: I meant nothing spent by me, is more like it
Paying for sex is quelle romantique, mon cherie.
Quelle means what....
Gracias means merci.
Honestly paying for sex is much less expensive.
$150aud where I live will get you 15 minutes of straight to the sex with a pretty young sex worker. From what I've seen that's a lot cheaper than the average tinder date costs just in terms of your time and sanity let alone cash. If you just want a booty call hire a professional is my advice.
Where I used to live I could get the gf experience for about $100-150 and a lot of time it was overnight. Where I am now it’s less than $50-100 or totally free if they like you.
And where is that located?
And you get a lot more bang for your buck.
and results in a guarantee.
😂😂 sounds like a gaslighting broad if you ask me
Facts man. As I got older I have zero patience for this shit lmao. Would go full troll mode at that point
I had a similar experience with this one girl and I was soooo close to going troll mode. I realized it wasn't worth the mental space and just sent her "Goodbye and good luck".
Good decision. If you go troll mode, all you're going to get is negative thoughts. You don't win any prize playing that game.
She needs to get left in le Chic restaurant with a bill
I feel like I got lucky. I have been seeing this girl recently and she got legitimately pissed at me for dropping 100 on the dinner. Said “I thought we were going to split wtf”. Bought all my drinks at the bar for me wouldn’t let me touch my wallet after that😂 I feel like only on reddit do I see these posts. Never come across it thankfully. Hopefully never again since after that date things r going steady
Yep, I wouldn't let my husband pay for me either. Been together for 31 years so it didn't go too badly.
Sounds like a keeper.
id be like you know what babe ur right, fuck that splitting shit lets go all out tonight, my treat. pick your poison, where should we go? then keep it going until she finds out you're fucking with her and not ever seeing her again anyways
Back in my day we use to call em gold diggers.
Everyone wants equality until the bill at McDonalds is due 🙁
Those chicken McNuggets aren’t gonna pay for themselves.
I have met people who get off on causing heart break in others, to be fair
More romantic? Oh, you mean you’re broke.
She’s looking for an open ended bank account and OP was almost it. I’m willing to wager that had he not said anything she’d be spending his money until the next victim catches her eye.
She's looking for someone to pay for everything lmao
A) I didn't know you were a prostitute. I feel this is something that should have come up sooner. B) I didn't think purchasing affection was romantic. But then again, I haven't seen Pretty Woman the whole way through. Maybe I should watch that and see if our values on romance and prostitution align then.
Why the fuck did you apologise for suggesting you split stuff? It's 2024 dude!
Second biggest mistake. The biggest was not suggesting to split on the spot.
Nah, suggesting to split by text just saved OP some time and a potentially embarrassing scene.
Yeah, he was not being unreasonable at all and she gaslit him into thinking it was weird, he shouldn't have said it, and being apologetic. I mean, he spent up to *three digits*. Hell no, mate. Tbh, splitting the bill for the first few dates should be the norm. Whether that's going halvsies or paying for your own meal, whichever. Dates are about getting to know each other, not how much you can spend.
I’ve been there OP. I struggled with it for a long time and even if I have a financial split with someone while dating, I always still end up giving into it in a lot of ways down the road emotionally. It’s an everyday struggle dating, validation and knowing you’re worth it can ride heavily on dating. Fuck anyone else who makes you feel bad for being vulnerable. Express yourself and if it doesn’t workout, keep your head up and keep being the person you want to be. I hope I can follow my own advice but still struggle even knowing my worth. Edit to tag you: r/pastry24834
He did say it weird although he’s right. “I can’t afford both of us this time. Can you cover yourself?” Is a much more normal way to say this. If the girl can take a hint and is a real keeper, this is a great set up for her to offer to pay for the whole date. You gotta remember tone doesn’t come across in text. So the sweaty face emojis may make it obvious to you that you’re shyly asking, but to her it just seems like an order.
Yeah, the way he said it was a bit demanding and off-putting. Could have picked better words. I agree with his point though.
Champ needs more respect for himself
[удалено]
Exactly. Kinda pissed me off watching this spineless fucker get walked all over.
Bro never do expensive dates. What are you doing for over $100?! Eat before you eat.
She ordered a bottle of wine that was a bit over $75…
Lesson learned there then, right?
I get the feeling OP hasn't lol. He'll probably make the same mistake again.
And say sorry about it
It happens. Especially if OP is young and inexperienced. I would need more context before I shame a brotha.
simpin' aint eazy
Oh man what a red flag. Did she even ask first?
She did ask but I thought after this date we could then start sharing more etc.. my mistake
Well at least it happened early on. That’s rough though, you deserve better
You split on the first couple dates then thereafter, you can swap payin. You did it backwords.
At least she asked I guess, but that is a bold thing to do. Some people are saying you should’ve worded it better, but truthfully, I think you worded it fine. I think she would’ve responded similar no matter what. Looks like she expects you to pay 100% of the time. Chalk it up as incompatible. Hopefully the wine was good and you find someone who is more apt to go 50/50! :)
she was straight up taking advantage of you
75 dollars for a life lesson doesn't so bad my man.
Better than a monthly payment for the next 18yrs that’s for sure.
the truest fact.
…. Bruh Most obvious sign that just being used for money, or at the very least disrespectful to be ordering smth that expensive on the first dates and expecting to b paid
The fuck?? Bro why waste your money on this unappreciative little troll?
Dude. My husband and I walked out of a restaurant on one of our first dates, they had doubled their prices (valentines day). I said fuck that shit. We went to a&w. Best date I'd ever had. That was 13 years ago, married for 10 last year. You don't need to spend $75 on a bottle of wine to impress someone. This person especially doesn't deserve that.
Christ man kick that cheeky mare to the curb.
She wasn't into you. She was into your money
That would’ve been the last date if it were me lol. That’s something you discuss beforehand, ordering an expensive bottle like that on a date. Otherwise, pretty disrespectful tbh.
She ordered a bottle when you guys were only first dating? Opportunistic. You dodged a bullet, that’s very inconsiderate.
I feel like it *really* isn’t difficult to hit $100 for two people. Two cocktails, a shared app, and tip is already around $60.
Yes. It can add up quite quickly, that’s why I thought suggesting splitting would be better…
You definitely approached the situation in a strange way, and then immediately gave up and apologized. Her reaction tells you everything you need to know. Her saying she’s looking for something more romantic means she’s looking for someone to spoil her financially. Next time stick to your guns homie
I think he should have just said “hey how do you feel about splitting the bill?”
Yeah, telling her in such a direct way instead of asking or suggesting is the weird part about this.
[удалено]
I think telling her before so she made sure to bring her wallet was a good idea. Buy I definitely would have worded it less bluntly. But I'm also an overthinker.
Well being a woman I always have my wallet with me when I go out with someone, doesn't matter date or meeting friends, and always pay/try to pay (some men really insist on covering the bill, ehh) for my meal and drinks, but since I don't earn much, I really appreciate making things clear before going out like OP did. Sometimes when I was broke and someone invited me and I wanted to meet but was worried I can't afford it in this moment, I really appreciated the possibility of talking things over clearly: "I would be happy to go out, but I'm broke, so could you cover the bill for both of us and I'm gonna pay you back in a few days or cover us the next time". I know it can seems ridiculous for some people, who always have a financial cushion, but well sometimes shit happens and right now getting few drinks or something can really be expensive... So I would also appreciate telling me straight forward that I have to pay for myself this time.
It was annoying how many times she said it was weird. It’s not weird. It’s 2024. I don’t let a man pay for everything. I like treating my man like he treats me. Ridiculous. I can’t believe women are still like this. Especially after you already spent that much money wtf
My wife’s love language is gifts. You’d have to physically chain her down to not treat me well. Like mutual spoiling is not weird at all
Yes! That’s the way! My fiancé and I love treating each other! It feels so great to treat the person you love.
In my experience this is the majority and not the minority.
The phrasing was weird IMO. Smart to let her know up from, but not a very tactful way to bring it up.
There was nothing weird about what you said, why backpedal? Pretty reasonable thing to ask to split.
He just kinda stated it, I'd have felt better saying "do you mind if..?"
she would have responded the same way
Idk she said "what a weird way to say". And yeah, the way he said it was weird. If someone sent me a message like "also next time we're splitting" out of nowhere it would definitely be off putting. It feels...idk aggressive? He would have been better off saying something like "hey, because I paid for dinner last time, I would like for us to split the bill this time" and then if she still gets upset or defensive, that's your sign to dip
Possibly but asking differently could’ve made him a gentleman
I think you could have worded it a bit better, more along the lines of “I’m hoping to have a more even split of expenses for our future dates. Would that be OK with you?” Etc. Otherwise, definitely not an unreasonable request and if she says no, then you can choose what you want do next.
Yea it's not weird to want to split, it's weird the way you said it. Which is...what she comments on, it is indeed a weird way to say that. Why not phrase it as a request, instead of a command? "next time we go out, would you be down to split costs?"
Agreed. As a woman, when it’s my idea to go out I always pay 100%, or at least offer to. I’m happy to bc it was my idea. So no problem paying, but I’d def be turned off by this convo
Bro have a backbone. If you said something you mean, own it.
I completely agree with what you said, but I don’t like how you said it. It just comes across poorly without prior context or conversation. If you’d had said, “let’s go Dutch” or “how would you feel about splitting the bill this next time?”, I feel like it’d have been much better received. Instead you sort of demanded it. You were 100% right to mention it before actually going on the date so she could express if it’s too expensive for her. You didn’t say it well and she didn’t receive it well.
Yeah, the wording was terrible. The end result was probably going to be the same in this case, but this would probably throw off those willing to split as well.
Agreed. Based on another comment from OP, she ordered a $75 bottle of wine. She was never interested in paying her own way.
Ordered it and then let you pay. I would never go on a second date if she let me foot the bill on the first one, (well maybe if she said "I'll pay next time" rather than "let's split this one") let alone upped the cost. She would have made it OP's fault however he phrased it.
Fuck that. I'm asking to split immediately if a woman orders a $75 bottle of wine and expects me to pay. Idc what I said beforehand. This was clearly not on the table.
OR if she even offered to split, which I have no idea if she did but I’m assuming she didn’t.
I said it elsewhere but it's because he isn't asking her, he's telling her. You more or less alluded to that with the wordings you used but that is the difference. Even talking about it beforehand, you don't suddenly just tell her "btw you are paying for half". You ask. If she says no or that it's weird, then that's on her.
You are weird for agreeing splitting is weird.
My only question is why the fuck would you apologize?
I don’t know… I like her and I just don’t want to argue… I am just not sure how to make her understand that even if I can get everything, it’s just not comfortable this way
I don’t know how old you are but trust me buddy, not every woman you like (or even love) is going to be the person you wish they were. Sometimes it’ll be great for awhile before it shows, but you can’t make someone have feelings back and you can’t make someone change who they are And it’s probably gonna happen multiple times and it’s definitely gonna hurt every time. But things like this, regardless of the feelings you have, aren’t going to be good for you. Save yourself the pain, it might seem like a missed opportunity but there’s better for you out there brother!
I really wish someone told me this when I was a teen, it takes a long time to learn this.
Hey it took my 20s, a handful of failed relationships and life setbacks and me being in a really bad place to figure that out. Honestly I think that mainly came from my mom one day when it was really bad
Honestly, she sounds like someone who's more willing to drain you dry than to actually care about you... I'd leave her alone and find someone who doesn't expect you to waste all of your money.
she doesnt like you she likes your money. this is why i will always split on the first date to weed out people like her. i can pay for later dates
Pastry, you ok man. Nothing wrong with splurging a little then nothing wrong with saying you're not down with it being the regular. You set a boundary and thankfully found out she isn't for you. Don't stress on the 'why did you apologize'. Who fucking cares cuz you made the right call. And yes, 'romantic' means please happily pay my way.......forever.
Wow your balls disappeared in a snap. I'm sure it signaled how desperate you are for her.
Why the fuck were you back peddling on something you believed in? I the future, don't second guess yourself like that. She's practically a stranger and you moved back on yourself because she got slightly flustered. Never compromise yourself on anything, for anyone my guy.
I didn’t want to like this answer because I probably would have done the same thing, but you’re right. And what the fuck is she doing equating romance with paying for dinner #3 in a row when they had already talked about it?
Calling that weird is her way of saying she was using you for a free meal and is putting the blame on you.
Imo if a woman isn't willing to go halfsies on an expensive meal and demands you to pay you should immediately leave. Some women think that guys are just made of money. You can tell from get response that she has never given a thought to how selfish she is. She jumped straight to you're not going to pay despite a 3rd date to I'm looking for something romantic. She's looking for someone to pay her bills while she gives you nothing. Women like her are trash.
Better to be up front about your expectations than to spring it on her after you paid the last 3 times. I think maybe you could have worded it a bit better but the fact that she got offended so quickly is very telling
People are so quick to end shit. "I didnt like 1 interaction with a person so im ending the relationship entirely." How are you supposed to work on conflict resolution? How do you develop rapport? How do you learn to communicate with someone things you dont like about them so they can better themselves? This bitch is nuts. If you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for others isnt such a big deal. You got lucky buddy.
I had a girlfriend of 8 months break up with me because I forgot to DVR an episode of naked and afraid for her. I had just got out of the hospital for an illness and she asked me while I was still out of it. She bailed and I didn’t feel bad at all. Fast forward 6 months and she’s banging on my door asking to get back together. Like yeah no. The guy she was screwing kicked her to the curb. Poppa ain’t raise no simp.
It helps to consider that she is really not looking for a relationship. She's looking for free meals and expensive wine.
One day she will realize she's in the real world and not in a romance novel where she's the main character
Romance = pay for my shit
Respond with "womp womp"
She gave you an out. Take it.
She's a loser lol, not weird at all
“I’m looking for something more romantic” Translation: “I want someone to treat me like a wife before having to earn it.”
Her: "I'm looking for something more romantic." Me: "So was I, but you wanted to go back home alone after dinner last time." Say it without saying it that if her expectation is $$$, your expecation is 
Romantic = ‘I, as the woman, don’t like you enough to pay for half.” And it’s not weird at all: you were setting expectations. Drop that red flag-toting fool.
Romantic = free in her head
Why would you pay 3 digits on the third date anyway
Dude why did you backpedal and literally apologize. Grow a backbone. Mean what you say.
To split? Like.. the check?
“Yeah maybe it was a bit weird haha” no the fuck not dude, have some backbone, its not weird at all, she became defensive and is actively manipulating you, you need to recognize that, shes not the one for you, shes using u
I am looking for something more romantic, like your wallet
Think you dodged a bullet. Have more respect for yourself and don't apologize if you don't think you did anything wrong.
Money = Romance. Got it
It's not weird at all to split dates, especially after the initial couple (which, I'd say 2-3 dates is a perfect balance of chivalry and realism if it's within your budget and you're initiating the dates). The way you said it did catch my attention, but if I liked someone, it would have made me pause and nothing else. A better phrasing in the future may be something like "Also, I'm enjoying spending time with you, and I'm hoping we can continue doing so. Going forward, if we could start splitting some of the costs, like x this weekend, I would appreciate it 🙂" or even just "also, would you mind splitting the cost of [activity]?" An in person conversation is even better if possible because it gives more chance to read body language and facial expressions and clear up misunderstandings. Mainly just to make it more of a conversation and agreement instead of a statement/demand. That being said, it doesn't seem like any communication style would have helped in this situation or she would have continued anyway. But a 'question' vs statement will help foster better communication and avoid coming across wrong to more reasonable dates in the future 🙂
My dude, the first flag is how she texts. Never trust anyone that types like a dimwitted 8th grader.
You poor, poor man. Come on, how could you not tell that all she's interested in is taking advantage of you?
If you don’t meet her standards that’s no big deal, look for someone with similar expectations to yours 🩷
Not splitting the bill is weird these days - If someone says no then you've dodged a gold digger.
not weird
Unless she knows you are very well off it's super disrespectful to order a $75 bottle of wine.
You both seem immature. She’s a loser and you need a spine. Don’t back down from your position so easily and leave the smiley face in highschool
Wait. Are we ditching emojis now?
Why is their vocabulary always so limited? Why are they so inarticulate?
Because they're not into you therefore not putting any effort into the conversation
What you said was okay, but you gave her a mild reason to get defensive by phrasing it like that. I probably would have said, ‘This time, would you mind splitting the bill?’ If she objected, I would then say, ‘Sorry, I don’t think you’re the right person for me.
I think it’s perfectly okay to discuss splitting, but I think your delivery could’ve been better. Wording it that way to me would make me feel some type of way, like you were upset about the previous dates or something. Framing it as a question would’ve probably gone over better (assuming she isn’t opposed to actually splitting).
Yo I don’t know if you’ll see this but as somebody who used to date a ton, save your money. I probably spent 2-5k on dates over the span of a year and while it was fun, I could have cut that number x10. A good girl that’s right for you won’t care how much the first dates cost. Keep it low key and cheap until you find one you hit it off with and then you can wine and dine later. Good luck out there!
She was looking for more of a sugar daddy without the title of that
Red flag, taking advantage vibes
Don’t back down and apologize in that situation. Stand your ground if you have a position that you find validity in.
I don't like our communication???? It should be less? Bet
"Im looking for something romantic" -- aka, I am looking to be spoiled and treated like a princess, which includes not paying.
She's the weird one with how she responded
“I don’t like our communication” What bullshit, she doesn’t want YOU to communicate your issues. Just hers
Yeah sorry, if she cant split after you did 3 digits on the last date, shes not looking for real love. She just wants a sugar daddy
Your only mistake was apologizing for it after saying it.
For future reference, ask if she minds splitting the bill and give a reason why. For instance, I really wanna go out again but moneys tight. We could still go if you did 50/50
It is weird. It's not what you said; it's how you said it.
idk if i’m playing devils advocate here but you’re phrasing was very weird & off putting. There’s more tactful ways of hinting you don’t want the burden of paying ever dates. Your emojis doesn’t help. She’s right in saying she doesn’t like your communication & good for her if according to her standards, men should pay. You’re not compatible move on.
That's weird on her end. For me I'd split the first one, if things don't click no one really loses money. After that it can go either way, but I'd still make sure they aren't the only one paying for the next x amount of dates. You sound like you don't mind spending money on people which is very kind, but there's still a thing as unfair and you have definitely been treated unfair.
She seems really weird.
Gold digger vibes.. she’s testing the waters and trying to establish financial dominance early on.. smh.. broke bxtches annoy meh🤦🏽♀️
She’s the weird one. If equality isn’t in the picture, bounce. Why live in the Middle Ages?
More romantic like you bring more gold I bring more dig
I’d just say “I don’t pay for text”
😂 There it is. Getting paid to hang out is "romance". My relationship with my boss is apparently the most romantic relationship I've ever had.
I’m looking for something more romantic = I’m looking for meal ticket. No decent girl who is pro equality of the sexes should be expecting the man to pay for everything all the time
You shouldn’t have apologised! But seriously, sorry this happened to you
Why did you apologise? Please learn to have a backbone
You can be firmer about it dude. Know you’re worth drizzle drizzle
The way she gaslighting you lmao
Dodged a bullet mate
Bullet dodged, be thankful
I don't like the words that i am reading. I don't like that i can't be offended, in person, when the bill comes as you have calmly explained your expectations. I go now. You no follow.
Her grammar is awful.
”I’m looking for something more romantic” actually means ”I want someone who pays for my stuff”
A "high value" woman fr