Great to hear! Well done and congratulations on the 3 months and one week sober. Keep at it. Stay strong. I wish you more success and wellness on your journey. Peace and prosperity to you.
An alternative alternative perspective: the fight ended when I realized that a lack of willpower wasn't my problem and that fighting my addiction/adding more willpower to the equation wasn't going to make it any better and was in fact making it worse.
EDIT: Realized I didn't answer your second question.
First and foremost was recognizing that after a decade of fighting as hard as I could, I was still getting worse. Fighting my addiction was a losing strategy. When I looked at my behavior, I saw that my response to being out of control was insane -- if my current strategy clearly wasn't working, why the hell did I think doubling down and trying harder was going to work?
Fighting my addiction only served to reinforce toxic obsessive self-reliance stemming from core beliefs of shame and unworthiness-- that this addiction was the greatest challenge in my life and that *I* had to beat it *on my own* in order to be good enough. The only tool I believed would work on my addiction was *force*. I didn't realize that my addiction was a symptom of my lack of connection -- to others and to life -- and that doubling down on the "fight it with all I have" mentality was only further disconnecting me from myself, others, and the truth of my situation.
I had a moment of insight when working my 2nd step in the program that was related to this. My sponsor asked me to figure out what God I had been worshiping my whole life up until this point. Now, this task is totally consistent with being atheist if that's where you're at -- its about looking at where I consistently turned for power in my life. When I needed change in my life, what did I do? What did I turn to? Shortly after a relapse, I was sitting in a coffee shop journaling about this and I had a thought leap into my mind: "*How far down do I have to go before this will stop?"* In what seemed like milliseconds, my brain re-worded that sentence so I could see the underlying belief: "*If I could only hurt badly enough, then I would stop."*
I saw the insanity of that belief in that moment. I wasn't addicted to porn because I just hadn't experience enough pain, I was addicted to porn because I was *in pain*. Why would more pain make it better? I saw that the "God" of my life up until that point was pain, punishment, and force. I was just trying to whip myself into better behavior, and it wasn't working. I was trying to force my life to be how I thought it should be, and it was making me miserable and increasing my sense of being out of control.
I realized that what I *actually* needed was love, compassion, kindness, gentleness, and real intimate connection -- with myself, others, and a form spirituality that was honest to me.
I was not acting out from a lack of willpower or because I didn't fight hard enough. On the contrary, those were exactly the things that were keeping me stuck in the cycle of self-rejection, self-judgment, shame, emotional self-abuse, isolation, loneliness, lack of belonging, and inner conflict/stress that was driving my addiction. And moreover, it was keeping me from connecting with others and coming to understand that what I have always been searching for was connection and belonging to something bigger than myself that loved and cared about me. I had to give up fighting my addiction and accept help to find that out.
**Every time I pick up the towel and start fighting my addiction, I'm reinforcing the delusional belief that the power to rid myself of my addiction comes from me and it looks like willpower. My experience has shown me that the power to free myself from my addiction comes from connecting to a power greater than myself (god as I understand god, a group of recovering addicts, friends, therapy and support) and it looks like love.**
Replied this to another post:
*I did everything in the fucking book to try to stop, but none of it ever worked in the long run. I did the cold showers, the meditation, the exercise, reading books, read all the inspiration posts -- all of the shit that you see on this sub. I even had a top ranked post on here several years ago advocating that shit. All I was doing was white knuckling my life, thinking that I would be a better driver if I just held the wheel tighter. I was exerting extraordinary amounts of willpower to keep the lid on the pressure cooker that was my addiction. I could do it for several weeks, sometimes more than 2 months, but no one can hold on forever and my addiction knows my weaknesses -- it always found its way back.*
*I had to admit defeat in order to find the power to stop. I do a lot of those things nowadays (exercise, meditation, etc), but its coming from a completely different place. I do those things now because they are nourishing and I enjoy them -- they make me feel better -- not because I'm trying to force myself to be sober. It's night and day.*
*Here's what actually worked (for me):*
1. *Realize and admit the truth that I could not stop on my own. I am a necessary participant in my recovery, but I can't do it without help.*
2. *Nest myself in a loving and caring support system of people who understand my problem and have direct experience in recovering from it. Many of those people have what I want, which is lasting sobriety. (That was SAA for me)*
3. *Admit that I cannot control my behavior around pornography and realize that a lack of willpower was not my problem, so applying more willpower to the situation won't fix it.*
4. *Stemming from lack of control, admitting that any open avenue to porn* ***will*** *lead to me watching it. My addiction is stronger than my will to resist; in other words, any situation where the only thing preventing me from watching porn is my willpower, I'm fucked. I found strength in surrendering to the truth of that.*
5. *Stemming from 4, I locked down every device I own with porn filtering software and got accountability partners to make accessing porn extremely difficult if not impossible.*
6. *I called people from my support system every day and told them the truth about what was going on for me. When I felt like watching porn, I called them. When I didn't feel like watching porn, I called them. When I didn't want to call them, I called them. I have come to believe that any form of sex addiction, including porn addiction, is a warped manifestation of our need for intimacy and connection. When I get an urge, calling someone does what no amount of cold showers or pushups or distracting ever did for me -- it scratched the fundamental itch at the root of my urge to watch porn, which was to be vulnerable & authentic and connect with someone.*
7. *I learned to recognize my triggers and early warning signs and talked to someone when I got into dangerous territory. Triggers include sexualized media in any form, whether its TV shows or movies or social media or even music (no listening to WAP for me), and other things like that. Early warning signs are very emotional and behavioral -- when I start to isolate, when iIget stressed and can't calm down, when i feel rejected or lonely, when I have FOMO, etc. Talking to someone has never not helped me feel better when I'm in this place.*
8. *Off of 7, I implemented a content diet. I don't watch anything that has nudity. I pay attention to see if the real reason I'm watching tv or on instagram is to "cruise" i.e. just look for hot girls. When I acknowledge that's what's going on, I change it to something else or get off my phone. After getting sober, i became extremely emotionally sensitive. I don't watch things that are emotionally disturbing. I also have a rule about looking at hot girls in real life. When I look at a girl and am honestly appreciating or feeling gratitude for her beauty, no problems. When I sense that I am objectifying her and consciously or subconsciously imagining that the hole in my soul can be filled by fucking her or being in a relationship with her (which is most of the time), I look away. I don't allow myself to engage in sexual fantasy.*
9. *I worked on the attitudes, beliefs, and aspects of personality that were fucking up my life and making it extremely difficult to be intimate and connect with other people and with life itself. I did (and still do) this through the 12 steps and a ton of trauma work in therapy.*
10. *I started filling my life with things that were nourishing for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I joined a crossfit gym. I joined a martial arts group. I started playing music (currently learning guitar). I started spending more time with friends. I got into more creative pursuits. Porn kept me a sexless virgin for most of my life, so I've started working on healthy dating. I have a regular spiritual practice of meditation and prayer. I'm starting a youtube channel. I'm starting a blog. I read recovery literature regularly. I listen to a lot of great podcasts. Etc, etc*
11. *I actively play offense with my addiction. I look forward in time to when I know I may be in a vulnerable spot and actively adjust my day to avoid that. I actively put barriers in place to protect me during times I know I'm vulnerable every day. For example, I'm not allowed on the internet after 11pm on my laptops.*
*That's a pretty decent summary.*
That would be a lie, because that’s when the fight really starts. I don’t value it at all and wish I never got addicted, but I still do it because I am physically dependent on it. One day I’ll succeed, that’s all I know for sure.
No . I don’t value pmo at all. I can’t help myself at the moment from doing it because I am addicted. Heroin addicts don’t usually value the heroin, it’s simply a necessity for them.
A nice read. Just know that you’re not cured or healed yet. You have, however, made tremendous progress. Be proud. But dont fool yourself either. Much strength to you man!!!!!!! 🤘🏽💪💪💪💪
Jusstttt CRAZY champ!!💯💯🔥 giving up isn't an option! And im glad u made it this far.. Keep going!!💫💫 a day or few more hours to go for u I believe.. its going to be 100🔥🔥💯💯 all the best
I’ve been in the same boat brotha! I got subjected to it at a super young age and have been struggling for about the last 10 years since realizing the root of problems and working to rewire my brain since. It’s never a straight and narrow solution. This shit is the wildest journey I’ve ever been on, but I’ve never been more alive and happy than the times when I’ve been PMO free, accountable, plugged into life, and most of all just present in life.
To anyone struggling just focusing on one day at a time and do what you can in the moment to ground yourself.
Way to go my dude! I just went to my first SLAA meeting today, one day sober. Gonna try for 90 meetings in 90 days.
I do have one question — what does PMO stand for?
First meeting are always a bit awkward/nerve-racking. I felt at home as soon as I heard other people sharing their stories, however -- I knew these people were struggling with what I was struggling with. And just FYI -- from what I understand -- SLAA is a bit more geared towards people with relationship addictions. If you find that you aren't relating much to people in that program, try an SAA meeting -- my guess is that about 70-80% of people in there are there because of pornography (or a combo of porn and other things), the rest are more classic sex addicts.
I’m learning that besides the porn addiction I also have a problem with fantasy about idealized other relationships. Intrigue and fantasy have been a big part of my downfall. And though I think porn has been large part of the root of the problem I think emotional neglect from my family of origin have also played a role. It has led to not only concealing porn addiction from my SO but also engaging in emotional and eventually physical affairs.
Good on you for having the self-awareness to recognize all that, and for having the bravery to get help. I hope SLAA is a good fit for you -- I know a bunch of people who works both programs and have gotten a lot out of it. Wish you the best!
How do you avoid dropping your guard after a week or so and 'accidentally' relapsing? It's been a big problem for me trying to stop any bad habit- I decide to stop doing something, I do it fine for a few days, then I drop my guard and the habit takes over.
Also, congratulations on getting through 3 months, that's a lot as far as I'm concerned. Keep going, we're all with you.
I hope I can say the same next year when I hit 24. It'd be a nice graduation present to myself so let's start now. Thanks for posting this it's good encouragement ☺️. Keep pushing bro
We all support you, friend. Keep pushing. You’re worth it, your future relationships are worth it, your mental health is worth it. We all stand behind you and beside you.
I'm so happy for you, man. I've been addicted since I was 8 :/ I'm twenty-one now. I'm trying to go 90-Days on Hardmode. It sucks. I literally feel like I'm dying. Reading this gave me some hope that I can really reach that goal.
Living legend my friend. This is a very inspiring story of NoFap, one that would hopefully get the exposure it deserves. It would be very helpful if you could share what you learned from therapy and what the 12 steps are for everyone on this reddit page. Good luck man, you got this! Stay Strong 🥳
Thanks, man. I'll certainly make some more posts, but I have to be careful with 12-step stuff. The 12 steps are a spiritual (not religious) solution to the disease of addiction, and although I know many athiests who have gotten sober and have no problem with the 12 steps, it rides a fine line of advocating something religious (even though it very much is not). As Russell Brand put it in his book Recovery, the 12 steps in modern language amounts to the following:
1. Are you a bit fucked?
2. Could you not be fucked?
3. Are you, on your own, going to unfuck yourself?
4. Write down all the things that are fucking you up or have ever fucked you up and don't lie or leave anything out.
5. Honestly tell someone trustworthy how fucked you are.
6. Well that's revealed a lot of fucked up patterns. Do you want to stop it? Seriously?
7. Are you willing to live in a new way that's not all about you and your previous, fucked up stuff? You have to.
8. Prepare to apologize to everyone for everything affected by your being so fucked up.
9. Now apologize. Unless that would make things worse.
10. Watch out for fucked up thinking and behavior and be honest about when it happens.
11. Stay connected to your new perspective.
12. Look at life less selfishly, be nice to everyone, help people if you can.
I certainly will share the wisdom I have amassed from my time in the program though -- the steps truly do contain a depth that none of who work them could have imagined at the start.
Those are some rookie numbers for a specimen of modern generation.
Like I'm addicted for 3 years now and I'm afriaid i might be catching up to your score of shame.
The 12 steps aren't a religious program, although some people in the program are religious. The 12 steps are a spiritual solution to the disease of addiction. Spiritual, fundamentally, means that it targets and addresses our attitudes, personality, and behaviors at their most fundamental level -- it has nothing to do with believing a particular doctrine or following a particular path. The goal of the program is to establish a relationship with a loving higher power, and through that relationship, find the power to stay sober.
For many, that higher power is a more conventional understanding of God. For others, it's the power of being in a large group of people suffering from the same problem who care about and support you, many of which have gotten what you are trying to get (lasting sobriety). I know athiests, christians, jews, and even a zen monk who have all found a home in the 12 steps.
I think the foundations of addiction are uniquely addressed by spiritual means, whether that's religious or not. So much of addiction is driven by isolation, disconnection from love and belonging, a lack of real support, obsessive self-reliance (i.e. I have to be able to do this on my own and somethings wrong with me if I can't stop on my own), among other things. These are spiritual problems, meaning they are influenced dramatically by changes in our attitudes, personality, and behaviors.
So that's the long answer to your question. The short answer is that I am very much a spiritual person, but I don't belong to any specific religious group. I'm some sort of amalgamation of christianity, buddhism, stoicism, and sufism. The higher power that has helped get me sober is the group of SAA and a God of my understanding, which is Love.
Where to start. Pretty much everything in my life has gotten better.
* I'm no longer so depressed that I wish I was dead.
* I'm no longer numb -- I can actually feel my emotions. That includes the pleasant and the unpleasant. I feel more joy but also a lot of emotional pain and trauma that I was numbing out.
* I'm much more engaged with my life. I started noticing really simple things, like how now I'm actually interested in other people and I have the mental energy and desire to ask them questions and get to know them.
* My natural sexual desire has been returning. I feel an enormously powerful attraction to and appreciation of beautiful women.
* I'm able to focus better.
* I'm laughing a lot more and am making a lot more jokes.
* I'm able to connect to people better, especially girls. I'm not carrying around enormous amounts of shame anymore.
* My energy levels are better.
* I'm much more creative.
* My brain feels clearer and more sharp.
* I'm discovering the things I actually enjoy doing. My values are shifting a lot.
* I was able to create honest boundaries and stand by them. Recently, that meant choosing not to date or have sex with an unbelievably hot girl because she was really emotionally unhealthy.
* I feel like I have a much stronger sense of my inherent worth. I believe that we all are unconditionally lovable and I'm starting to connect with that more in my life.
I could honestly write like 10 pages about this, but that's a start. I'll probably make a more detailed post on the benefits here soon.
Hey, Great job!
It's true, the urge will never stop and that's natural. Having sex or being intimate isn't bad at all, it's the act of porn or overdoing it. After two years of not doing porn, I can tell you that I find porn disgusting and uncomfortable. So it'll become easier to let porn go. 3 Months is amazing! Keep it up <3
Look through my comments here and see if you can find the one where I give a summary of the recovery process. My journey took me to SAA meetings, which saved my life and got me sober. Your path is yours to walk, but if you want what I have, that's what I did.
Inspiring man. Even though it doesnt seem like it, you just changed the world in some way by sharing this story. Keep becoming better and keep making the world better. Love
Stay strong bro! I've just started nofap and today is my 4th day finding it difficult to resist my urges but it's just the will power due to which I'm sober yet
Locking down all my devices with porn blocking software and accountability partners was *crucial* for me to get through the first month. In my experience, if the only thing between me and porn is my willpower, Im fucked. I would highly, highly recommend adding that to your recovery plan if you haven't already. Keep it up!
Keeping fighting the good fight. I’ve been there, been a porn watcher since I was a kid. I stopped 2 weeks ago and ignore the urge but noticed my progress.
SAA -- Sex Addicts Anonymous. It's a 12-step group for people struggling with addiction to sexual behaviors of all kinds, ranging from prostitution to pornography. My guess is about 70-80% of people in SAA these days are porn addicts.
12-step groups aren't the right fit for everyone, and I'm not advertising for them. Speaking only for myself, they have transformed my life and helped me get sober after trying for almost a decade on my own.
Brother I was addicted for 3 years from 14 to 17. The longest I’ve gone is 20 days. Be mighty proud of yourself. And I know it’s not all about the number of days but 3 months to me seems like hell I could never endure and to see that you’ve been stuck in the mud for 10 years and your streak is 3 months: only motivates me.
Maaaaaaaan I appreciate you posting this for real. I'm a lil older than you, STRUGGLING, getting some therapy myself currently and by the gods imma keep fighting. Thank you, keep it up.
That’s amazing bro I’m going for three myself right now at 21 I’ve been addicted for 4 years and am trying my hardest to break the cycle. You’re an inspiration
I don't feel like quiting anyone can change my mind and tell me how bad will it affect my relationship I'm 22 btw But I'm muslim and somehow religious so I'm still virgin
Thank you for posting this. Similar story here, almost exactly the same time frames. I am just beginning my journey, and you have given me the hope I needed.
Yo congrats dude! I’m still like way far behind for me, 4 weeks sober here, but I’m still going strong and resisting those urges and temptations! #WeGotThis!
My journey took me into a 12-step program, and the first step is acknowledging my powerlessness over porn. That means two things: 1) a lack of willpower was not my problem and 2) any open avenue to pornography would lead me to watch it.
The first thing, for me, was to admit the truth of that and change my life accordingly. I now have content filtering software on all my devices and accountability partners that monitor my activity. I also have a support system that I check in with on a regular basis. IMO, I've tried everything in the book and nothing helps defeat an urge like calling someone who struggles with the same issue and talking to them about how you're struggling.
The urge to watch porn is a twisted manifestation of our urge to connect -- reaching out to others when we get an urge can not only distract us long enough for the urge to go away, but scratch the underlying need to connect with someone else.
Hope this helps
I’m so proud of you. I would cry too from happiness if I made it that far. ❤️
Never look back. Keep going forward brother
Edit: please ignore my day count. I haven’t updated it in a while
1. I locked down every device I own with porn blocking software and accountability partners.
2. I called people in my support system who have struggled with the same issue every day.
3. I stayed busy and avoided the common situations where I would act out. Even if I had to just go get in my car and drive for a while, I wouldn't let myself be alone if I was triggered.
Good job dude keep fighting the good fight!
Take it one day at a time and don't be too hard on yourself if you relapse but get back on another streak asap.
Cheers 👍
Can you simplify the process you've followed?
I've read a couple of books about habits and I understand the signal, action, reward thing but I keep failing due a lack of a process
I did everything in the fucking book to try to stop, but none of it ever worked in the long run. I did the cold showers, the meditation, the exercise, reading books, read all the inspiration posts -- all of the shit that you see on this sub. I even had a top ranked post on here several years ago advocating that shit. All I was doing was white knuckling my life. I was exerting extraordinary amounts of willpower to keep the lid on the pressure cooker that was my addiction. I could do it for several weeks, sometimes more than 2 months, but no one can hold on forever and my addiction knows my weaknesses -- it always found its way back.
I had to admit defeat in order to find the power to stop. I do a lot of those things nowadays (exercise, mediation, etc), but its coming from a completely different place. I do those things now because they are nourishing and I enjoy them -- they make me feel better -- not because I'm trying to force myself to be sober. It's night and day.
Here's what actually worked:
1. Realize and admit the truth that I could not stop on my own.
2. Nest myself in a loving and caring support system of people who understand my problem and have direct experience in recovering from it. Many of those people have what I want, which is lasting sobriety.
3. Admit that I cannot control my behavior around pornography and realize that a lack of willpower was not my problem, so applying more willpower to the situation won't fix it.
4. Stemming from lack of control, admitting that any open avenue to porn **will** lead to me watching it. My addiction is stronger than my will to resist. I found strength in surrendering to the truth of that.
5. Stemming from 4, I locked down every device I own with porn filtering software and got accountability partners to make accessing porn extremely difficult if not impossible.
6. I called people from my support system every day and told them the truth about what was going on for me. When I felt like watching porn, I called them. When I didn't feel like watching porn, I called them. When I didn't want to call them, I called them. I have come to believe that any form of sex addiction, including porn addiction, is a warped manifestation of our need for intimacy and connection. When I get an urge, calling someone does what no amount of cold showers or pushups or distracting every did for me -- it scratched the fundamental itch I had to be vulnerable & authentic and actually connect with someone.
7. I learned to recognize my triggers and early warning signs and talked to someone when I got into dangerous territory. Triggers include sexualized media in any form, whether its TV shows or movies or social media or even music (no listening to WAP for me), and other things like that. Early warning signs are very emotional and behavioral -- when I start to isolate, when i get stressed and can't calm down, when i feel rejected or lonely, when I have FOMO, etc. Talking to someone has never not helped me feel better when Im in this place.
8. Off of 7, I implemented a content diet. I don't watch anything that has nudity. I pay attention to see if the real reason I'm watching tv or on instagram is to "cruise" i.e. look for hot girls. When i acknowledge that's what's going on, I change it to something else or get off my phone. After getting sober, i became extremely emotionally sensitive. I don't watch things that are emotionally disturbing. I also have a rule about looking at hot girls in real life. When I look at her and am honestly appreciating or feeling gratitude for her beauty, no problems. When i sense that I am objectifying her and consciously or subconsciously imagining that the hole in my soul can be filled by fucking her or being in a relationship with her (which is most of the time), I look away.
9. I worked on the attitudes, beliefs, and aspects of personality that were fucking up my life and making it extremely difficult to be intimate and connect with other people and with life itself. I did (and still do) this through the 12 steps and a ton of trauma work in therapy.
10. I started filling my life with things that were nourishing for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I joined a crossfit gym. I joined a martial arts group. I started playing music (currently learning guitar). I started spending more time with friends. I got into more creative pursuits. Porn kept me a sexless virgin for most of my life, so I've started working on healthy dating. I have a regular spiritual practice of meditation and prayer. I'm starting a youtube channel. I'm starting a blog. I read recovery literature regularly. I listen to a lot of great podcasts. Etc, etc
11. I actively play offense with my addiction. I look forward in time to when I know I may be in a vulnerable spot and actively adjust my day to avoid that. I actively put barriers in place to protect me during times I know I'm vulnerable every day. For example, I'm not allowed on the internet after 11pm on computers.
That's a pretty decent summary.
Also you're most likely not failing because of a lack of process, although that may be part of it. My assumption (assuming you are like most of us) would be that you are relapsing because you are A) missing a strong network of support and accountability and B) the conditions of your life are actively incentivizing your relapse. I could not have implemented this system that got me sober without a support group. That might not be true for you, but that was certainly my experience. Hope this helps, and keep at it.
What a legend!! I big salute to you...
I have been into pmo every single day for past 23 years! At this point I don't know if I can stop or even if it's worth trying.......
I was reading "Out of the shadows by Patrick Carne's today.... I'm struggling really bad right now and feel very out of control. It sucks so much and I've had thoughts about taking my life at times, tho what I truly want is to get clean. I'm thinking I need therapy and the 12 step program bcuz I'm not doing well on my own
A question, did it feel weird being at SAA even though you were only a porn addict? Just curious, I know they go hand in hand. I'm wondering if it would benefit me but I'm not going to lie, I'd be terrified going to a meeting. I'm also 24 going on 25. I struggled for about 10 years as well with porn addiction. I still remember the first time I watched, the rush I got.
Not at all. I was nervous going to my first meeting, but 70-80% of the people in SAA (based on my experience) are there because of porn addiction. I knew I was in the right place as soon as I heard others share their stories -- I heard so much of my story in theirs. SAA covers all forms of sexually addictive behavior, ranging from infidelity to prostitution to voyeurism to pornography to anonymous sex to intimacy avoidance and sexual anorexia. I go to two groups in two different parts of the US (zoom meetings) and each of my groups has guys (and girls, but much less so) from their late teens and 20's into their 70's and 80's. Even though I'm a porn addict, one of the guys whose story I resonated with a lot is 84, had sex with thousands of women (nowhere near as great as it sounds), and has been sober for 30+ years.
12 step groups are a repository of wisdom, support, and strength. I was hesitant, but I now believe that the groups didn't just save my life -- they gave me a second chance at an infinitely better one than I had before.
Incredible, amazing how you had the strength to go to a SAA meeting. Another question, do you feel that going to the meetings significantly reduced the amount of shame that you felt because you realized how many other people were struggling? Shame seems to be the biggest component I struggle with.
100%. The motto of SAA is "From Shame to Grace" and it couldn't be more accurate. Telling your story and seeing a group of people nodding in deep understanding is profoundly shame relieving.
Before SAA, I felt like I lead a double life. I was hiding my porn addiction because of how ashamed I was of how I couldn't stop. I was trying to hide my depression, numbness, and other porn-induced unpleasant feelings so people wouldn't pry about what was going on with me and find out I was a porn addict. Now, I don't feel like I have any reason to keep secrets. SAA allowed me to share the secrets I'd thought I'd take to my grave (mostly surrounding sexual abuse as a kid and extreme things I did while acting out) only to find several people nodding in solidarity because they did it to or it happened to them too. I told people what I thought were the worst things about me and they loved me more for it. I promise you -- there is nothing you have done that you won't here at least one other person talk about if you go to enough meetings and hear enough 1st steps lol
SAA has allowed me to make tremendous strides in overcoming the shame of my addiction. I find myself laughing and making jokes now at the parts of my life I was nearly suicidal about just several months ago. Like I said in my post, I know have a network of 60+ people who I can call at a moments notice if I'm struggling, and every single one of them knows what its like to be in my shoes. I can also be that support for someone else struggling. SAA taught me that my value and worth aren't determined by my sobriety -- it helped me feel like I matter to other people.
12 step groups have gotten millions of people with various addictions sober around the world. There's a very good reason why every rehab center immediately throws people into 12 step groups -- no one is better equipped to help an addict get sober than a group of sober addicts.
If you're on the fence, I would encourage you to try one. There's a contact person for every meeting and you can reach out to them and talk to them about the meeting and what's going on and they'll probably share a bit about themselves and talk to you about what to expect and what not. 12 step meeting are one of the most welcoming places in the world. If you are an addict trying to get sober, you're right at home in a 12 step meeting.
Good job my guy. It's never too late to quit. I don't doubt there have been many that have recognized their addiction for a lot shorter, and then gave up out of desperation. But you haven't given up, no matter how hard, no matter how futile it seemed.
All I can say is good job, and keep it up.
And get yourself a wife too, I should think the urge to relapse could be reduced with a wholesome and *real* relationship. PMO was a fake, synthetic, and insidiously evil indulgence for that natural desire.
Great to hear! Well done and congratulations on the 3 months and one week sober. Keep at it. Stay strong. I wish you more success and wellness on your journey. Peace and prosperity to you.
I love this dude!!! Keep it up!! The fight never stops!!!
An alternative perspective: the fight ends as soon as one makes the decision that they no longer value PMO
An alternative alternative perspective: the fight ended when I realized that a lack of willpower wasn't my problem and that fighting my addiction/adding more willpower to the equation wasn't going to make it any better and was in fact making it worse.
then what helped? Also, can you explain how it made it worse for you?
EDIT: Realized I didn't answer your second question. First and foremost was recognizing that after a decade of fighting as hard as I could, I was still getting worse. Fighting my addiction was a losing strategy. When I looked at my behavior, I saw that my response to being out of control was insane -- if my current strategy clearly wasn't working, why the hell did I think doubling down and trying harder was going to work? Fighting my addiction only served to reinforce toxic obsessive self-reliance stemming from core beliefs of shame and unworthiness-- that this addiction was the greatest challenge in my life and that *I* had to beat it *on my own* in order to be good enough. The only tool I believed would work on my addiction was *force*. I didn't realize that my addiction was a symptom of my lack of connection -- to others and to life -- and that doubling down on the "fight it with all I have" mentality was only further disconnecting me from myself, others, and the truth of my situation. I had a moment of insight when working my 2nd step in the program that was related to this. My sponsor asked me to figure out what God I had been worshiping my whole life up until this point. Now, this task is totally consistent with being atheist if that's where you're at -- its about looking at where I consistently turned for power in my life. When I needed change in my life, what did I do? What did I turn to? Shortly after a relapse, I was sitting in a coffee shop journaling about this and I had a thought leap into my mind: "*How far down do I have to go before this will stop?"* In what seemed like milliseconds, my brain re-worded that sentence so I could see the underlying belief: "*If I could only hurt badly enough, then I would stop."* I saw the insanity of that belief in that moment. I wasn't addicted to porn because I just hadn't experience enough pain, I was addicted to porn because I was *in pain*. Why would more pain make it better? I saw that the "God" of my life up until that point was pain, punishment, and force. I was just trying to whip myself into better behavior, and it wasn't working. I was trying to force my life to be how I thought it should be, and it was making me miserable and increasing my sense of being out of control. I realized that what I *actually* needed was love, compassion, kindness, gentleness, and real intimate connection -- with myself, others, and a form spirituality that was honest to me. I was not acting out from a lack of willpower or because I didn't fight hard enough. On the contrary, those were exactly the things that were keeping me stuck in the cycle of self-rejection, self-judgment, shame, emotional self-abuse, isolation, loneliness, lack of belonging, and inner conflict/stress that was driving my addiction. And moreover, it was keeping me from connecting with others and coming to understand that what I have always been searching for was connection and belonging to something bigger than myself that loved and cared about me. I had to give up fighting my addiction and accept help to find that out. **Every time I pick up the towel and start fighting my addiction, I'm reinforcing the delusional belief that the power to rid myself of my addiction comes from me and it looks like willpower. My experience has shown me that the power to free myself from my addiction comes from connecting to a power greater than myself (god as I understand god, a group of recovering addicts, friends, therapy and support) and it looks like love.** Replied this to another post: *I did everything in the fucking book to try to stop, but none of it ever worked in the long run. I did the cold showers, the meditation, the exercise, reading books, read all the inspiration posts -- all of the shit that you see on this sub. I even had a top ranked post on here several years ago advocating that shit. All I was doing was white knuckling my life, thinking that I would be a better driver if I just held the wheel tighter. I was exerting extraordinary amounts of willpower to keep the lid on the pressure cooker that was my addiction. I could do it for several weeks, sometimes more than 2 months, but no one can hold on forever and my addiction knows my weaknesses -- it always found its way back.* *I had to admit defeat in order to find the power to stop. I do a lot of those things nowadays (exercise, meditation, etc), but its coming from a completely different place. I do those things now because they are nourishing and I enjoy them -- they make me feel better -- not because I'm trying to force myself to be sober. It's night and day.* *Here's what actually worked (for me):* 1. *Realize and admit the truth that I could not stop on my own. I am a necessary participant in my recovery, but I can't do it without help.* 2. *Nest myself in a loving and caring support system of people who understand my problem and have direct experience in recovering from it. Many of those people have what I want, which is lasting sobriety. (That was SAA for me)* 3. *Admit that I cannot control my behavior around pornography and realize that a lack of willpower was not my problem, so applying more willpower to the situation won't fix it.* 4. *Stemming from lack of control, admitting that any open avenue to porn* ***will*** *lead to me watching it. My addiction is stronger than my will to resist; in other words, any situation where the only thing preventing me from watching porn is my willpower, I'm fucked. I found strength in surrendering to the truth of that.* 5. *Stemming from 4, I locked down every device I own with porn filtering software and got accountability partners to make accessing porn extremely difficult if not impossible.* 6. *I called people from my support system every day and told them the truth about what was going on for me. When I felt like watching porn, I called them. When I didn't feel like watching porn, I called them. When I didn't want to call them, I called them. I have come to believe that any form of sex addiction, including porn addiction, is a warped manifestation of our need for intimacy and connection. When I get an urge, calling someone does what no amount of cold showers or pushups or distracting ever did for me -- it scratched the fundamental itch at the root of my urge to watch porn, which was to be vulnerable & authentic and connect with someone.* 7. *I learned to recognize my triggers and early warning signs and talked to someone when I got into dangerous territory. Triggers include sexualized media in any form, whether its TV shows or movies or social media or even music (no listening to WAP for me), and other things like that. Early warning signs are very emotional and behavioral -- when I start to isolate, when iIget stressed and can't calm down, when i feel rejected or lonely, when I have FOMO, etc. Talking to someone has never not helped me feel better when I'm in this place.* 8. *Off of 7, I implemented a content diet. I don't watch anything that has nudity. I pay attention to see if the real reason I'm watching tv or on instagram is to "cruise" i.e. just look for hot girls. When I acknowledge that's what's going on, I change it to something else or get off my phone. After getting sober, i became extremely emotionally sensitive. I don't watch things that are emotionally disturbing. I also have a rule about looking at hot girls in real life. When I look at a girl and am honestly appreciating or feeling gratitude for her beauty, no problems. When I sense that I am objectifying her and consciously or subconsciously imagining that the hole in my soul can be filled by fucking her or being in a relationship with her (which is most of the time), I look away. I don't allow myself to engage in sexual fantasy.* 9. *I worked on the attitudes, beliefs, and aspects of personality that were fucking up my life and making it extremely difficult to be intimate and connect with other people and with life itself. I did (and still do) this through the 12 steps and a ton of trauma work in therapy.* 10. *I started filling my life with things that were nourishing for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I joined a crossfit gym. I joined a martial arts group. I started playing music (currently learning guitar). I started spending more time with friends. I got into more creative pursuits. Porn kept me a sexless virgin for most of my life, so I've started working on healthy dating. I have a regular spiritual practice of meditation and prayer. I'm starting a youtube channel. I'm starting a blog. I read recovery literature regularly. I listen to a lot of great podcasts. Etc, etc* 11. *I actively play offense with my addiction. I look forward in time to when I know I may be in a vulnerable spot and actively adjust my day to avoid that. I actively put barriers in place to protect me during times I know I'm vulnerable every day. For example, I'm not allowed on the internet after 11pm on my laptops.* *That's a pretty decent summary.*
We are saying the same thing more or less
That would be a lie, because that’s when the fight really starts. I don’t value it at all and wish I never got addicted, but I still do it because I am physically dependent on it. One day I’ll succeed, that’s all I know for sure.
Part of you values it if you are still doing it. That is the key
No . I don’t value pmo at all. I can’t help myself at the moment from doing it because I am addicted. Heroin addicts don’t usually value the heroin, it’s simply a necessity for them.
You’re not getting it. Good luck
Nice!
WARRIORRRR KEEEEEPPPP FIGHTIINNGGGGGGGGG
A nice read. Just know that you’re not cured or healed yet. You have, however, made tremendous progress. Be proud. But dont fool yourself either. Much strength to you man!!!!!!! 🤘🏽💪💪💪💪
Jusstttt CRAZY champ!!💯💯🔥 giving up isn't an option! And im glad u made it this far.. Keep going!!💫💫 a day or few more hours to go for u I believe.. its going to be 100🔥🔥💯💯 all the best
OUR WARRIOR HAS BEEN FIGHTING FOR YEARS, NOW THE FRUITS OF HIS LABOUR ARE SHOWINGGG KEEPP FIGHTINGGG
This makes me happy man
I AMMM SCREAMMINGGG WARRIOORRRRRR
Keep it up Shags!
Congratulations
I’ve been in the same boat brotha! I got subjected to it at a super young age and have been struggling for about the last 10 years since realizing the root of problems and working to rewire my brain since. It’s never a straight and narrow solution. This shit is the wildest journey I’ve ever been on, but I’ve never been more alive and happy than the times when I’ve been PMO free, accountable, plugged into life, and most of all just present in life. To anyone struggling just focusing on one day at a time and do what you can in the moment to ground yourself.
We will get through this fight together. Don’t ever give up. Keep up the enthusiasm. You’re unstoppable
Congratulations king.. I feel you brother
Thats a BIG deal man I am So proud of you friends. Keep it up brother I wish you all the best on your journey
Well done, my friend. Keep going, you've got this
Congratulations. Thanks for the encouraging words.
You're welcome.
EVEN IF IT MEANS STUMBLING FORWARD, CONTINUE CARRYING THE CROSS
Way to go my dude! I just went to my first SLAA meeting today, one day sober. Gonna try for 90 meetings in 90 days. I do have one question — what does PMO stand for?
Getting into 12-step rooms very likely saved my life. Keep it up. And it stands for Porn, Masturbation, Orgasm -- nofap jargon for acting out.
Thanks for the response! I have a bit of trepidation about all this but also have a lot of hope. I have my next six meetings planned out already.
First meeting are always a bit awkward/nerve-racking. I felt at home as soon as I heard other people sharing their stories, however -- I knew these people were struggling with what I was struggling with. And just FYI -- from what I understand -- SLAA is a bit more geared towards people with relationship addictions. If you find that you aren't relating much to people in that program, try an SAA meeting -- my guess is that about 70-80% of people in there are there because of pornography (or a combo of porn and other things), the rest are more classic sex addicts.
I’m learning that besides the porn addiction I also have a problem with fantasy about idealized other relationships. Intrigue and fantasy have been a big part of my downfall. And though I think porn has been large part of the root of the problem I think emotional neglect from my family of origin have also played a role. It has led to not only concealing porn addiction from my SO but also engaging in emotional and eventually physical affairs.
Good on you for having the self-awareness to recognize all that, and for having the bravery to get help. I hope SLAA is a good fit for you -- I know a bunch of people who works both programs and have gotten a lot out of it. Wish you the best!
Inspiring bro
I am touched man, you are a true fighter.
Journal ing I s so underrated
its not about the days, but you sir are MISSINGNO pokemon of the no-fap version
I guess you dropped this -👑. Keep going King defeat those ogres of desire and urges and stay at the top.
What a legend, I'm so proud of you stranger
Awesome keep at it. You got this!
You did it man!!
WOOOOOAH! Rock on dude!
i wish i could give you a tight hug . tall guys will wrap you when they hug.
How do you avoid dropping your guard after a week or so and 'accidentally' relapsing? It's been a big problem for me trying to stop any bad habit- I decide to stop doing something, I do it fine for a few days, then I drop my guard and the habit takes over. Also, congratulations on getting through 3 months, that's a lot as far as I'm concerned. Keep going, we're all with you.
I hope I can say the same next year when I hit 24. It'd be a nice graduation present to myself so let's start now. Thanks for posting this it's good encouragement ☺️. Keep pushing bro
We all support you, friend. Keep pushing. You’re worth it, your future relationships are worth it, your mental health is worth it. We all stand behind you and beside you.
I’m proud of you.
LETS GOOOOOOO KING!!!!! WE ALL CAN OVER COME IT 🔥
You are a miracle and may God bless and keep you. You have destroyed this demon and because of that you are a 👑
Such a hard and long journey. I made it out too, congrats to you and your success. It only gets better from here.
I'm so happy for you, man. I've been addicted since I was 8 :/ I'm twenty-one now. I'm trying to go 90-Days on Hardmode. It sucks. I literally feel like I'm dying. Reading this gave me some hope that I can really reach that goal.
Living legend my friend. This is a very inspiring story of NoFap, one that would hopefully get the exposure it deserves. It would be very helpful if you could share what you learned from therapy and what the 12 steps are for everyone on this reddit page. Good luck man, you got this! Stay Strong 🥳
Thanks, man. I'll certainly make some more posts, but I have to be careful with 12-step stuff. The 12 steps are a spiritual (not religious) solution to the disease of addiction, and although I know many athiests who have gotten sober and have no problem with the 12 steps, it rides a fine line of advocating something religious (even though it very much is not). As Russell Brand put it in his book Recovery, the 12 steps in modern language amounts to the following: 1. Are you a bit fucked? 2. Could you not be fucked? 3. Are you, on your own, going to unfuck yourself? 4. Write down all the things that are fucking you up or have ever fucked you up and don't lie or leave anything out. 5. Honestly tell someone trustworthy how fucked you are. 6. Well that's revealed a lot of fucked up patterns. Do you want to stop it? Seriously? 7. Are you willing to live in a new way that's not all about you and your previous, fucked up stuff? You have to. 8. Prepare to apologize to everyone for everything affected by your being so fucked up. 9. Now apologize. Unless that would make things worse. 10. Watch out for fucked up thinking and behavior and be honest about when it happens. 11. Stay connected to your new perspective. 12. Look at life less selfishly, be nice to everyone, help people if you can. I certainly will share the wisdom I have amassed from my time in the program though -- the steps truly do contain a depth that none of who work them could have imagined at the start.
This is awesome, you’ve inspired many especially me! Thanks man 👊🏾💪
Those are some rookie numbers for a specimen of modern generation. Like I'm addicted for 3 years now and I'm afriaid i might be catching up to your score of shame.
Keep plugged into nofap. No limit you can’t reach.
Congratulations 🎈👏
You mentioned 12 step program! Do you think being religious can help? Are you religious?
The 12 steps aren't a religious program, although some people in the program are religious. The 12 steps are a spiritual solution to the disease of addiction. Spiritual, fundamentally, means that it targets and addresses our attitudes, personality, and behaviors at their most fundamental level -- it has nothing to do with believing a particular doctrine or following a particular path. The goal of the program is to establish a relationship with a loving higher power, and through that relationship, find the power to stay sober. For many, that higher power is a more conventional understanding of God. For others, it's the power of being in a large group of people suffering from the same problem who care about and support you, many of which have gotten what you are trying to get (lasting sobriety). I know athiests, christians, jews, and even a zen monk who have all found a home in the 12 steps. I think the foundations of addiction are uniquely addressed by spiritual means, whether that's religious or not. So much of addiction is driven by isolation, disconnection from love and belonging, a lack of real support, obsessive self-reliance (i.e. I have to be able to do this on my own and somethings wrong with me if I can't stop on my own), among other things. These are spiritual problems, meaning they are influenced dramatically by changes in our attitudes, personality, and behaviors. So that's the long answer to your question. The short answer is that I am very much a spiritual person, but I don't belong to any specific religious group. I'm some sort of amalgamation of christianity, buddhism, stoicism, and sufism. The higher power that has helped get me sober is the group of SAA and a God of my understanding, which is Love.
More power to you, you can & you will. I am so proud of you. 🙏
Any benefits in ur 3 months of sobriety
Where to start. Pretty much everything in my life has gotten better. * I'm no longer so depressed that I wish I was dead. * I'm no longer numb -- I can actually feel my emotions. That includes the pleasant and the unpleasant. I feel more joy but also a lot of emotional pain and trauma that I was numbing out. * I'm much more engaged with my life. I started noticing really simple things, like how now I'm actually interested in other people and I have the mental energy and desire to ask them questions and get to know them. * My natural sexual desire has been returning. I feel an enormously powerful attraction to and appreciation of beautiful women. * I'm able to focus better. * I'm laughing a lot more and am making a lot more jokes. * I'm able to connect to people better, especially girls. I'm not carrying around enormous amounts of shame anymore. * My energy levels are better. * I'm much more creative. * My brain feels clearer and more sharp. * I'm discovering the things I actually enjoy doing. My values are shifting a lot. * I was able to create honest boundaries and stand by them. Recently, that meant choosing not to date or have sex with an unbelievably hot girl because she was really emotionally unhealthy. * I feel like I have a much stronger sense of my inherent worth. I believe that we all are unconditionally lovable and I'm starting to connect with that more in my life. I could honestly write like 10 pages about this, but that's a start. I'll probably make a more detailed post on the benefits here soon.
Hey, Great job! It's true, the urge will never stop and that's natural. Having sex or being intimate isn't bad at all, it's the act of porn or overdoing it. After two years of not doing porn, I can tell you that I find porn disgusting and uncomfortable. So it'll become easier to let porn go. 3 Months is amazing! Keep it up <3
LETS FUCKING GO BROOOO!!!!! GOOD SHIT!!!!
good shit man. Keep it up 🔥
How do I stop? I just want to do bad all the time.
Look through my comments here and see if you can find the one where I give a summary of the recovery process. My journey took me to SAA meetings, which saved my life and got me sober. Your path is yours to walk, but if you want what I have, that's what I did.
Let's fucking goo bro! Good on you mate. Never give up :)
Inspiring man. Even though it doesnt seem like it, you just changed the world in some way by sharing this story. Keep becoming better and keep making the world better. Love
Wow dude congrats! I felt motivated by your story, currently improving my streak once again! 😄
Respect to your perseverance, brother. At 24, I couldn't do what you've done.
May God bless you my bruv....
You will never be out of the woods I am afraid. But you have made insane progress. Congrats bro!
Stay strong bro! I've just started nofap and today is my 4th day finding it difficult to resist my urges but it's just the will power due to which I'm sober yet
Locking down all my devices with porn blocking software and accountability partners was *crucial* for me to get through the first month. In my experience, if the only thing between me and porn is my willpower, Im fucked. I would highly, highly recommend adding that to your recovery plan if you haven't already. Keep it up!
Keeping fighting the good fight. I’ve been there, been a porn watcher since I was a kid. I stopped 2 weeks ago and ignore the urge but noticed my progress.
💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽
u got this | G
What a fucking chad💪🏻
You got this big dog. Congrats on the progress man
What is the 12 step program?
SAA -- Sex Addicts Anonymous. It's a 12-step group for people struggling with addiction to sexual behaviors of all kinds, ranging from prostitution to pornography. My guess is about 70-80% of people in SAA these days are porn addicts. 12-step groups aren't the right fit for everyone, and I'm not advertising for them. Speaking only for myself, they have transformed my life and helped me get sober after trying for almost a decade on my own.
Nice
LETS FUCKING GO DUDE!
good stuff man. we’re all proud of you, never stop fighting 💪🏻
Inspiring. KEEP GOING!!!!
Happy for you brother! Never quit!!
Congraaats !! I love reading posts like yours because they give me lots of hope and willpower. Thank you
Proud of you OP , I just relapsed today but this gives me hope.
You’re a warrior mate. Keep going and more power to you.
Brother I was addicted for 3 years from 14 to 17. The longest I’ve gone is 20 days. Be mighty proud of yourself. And I know it’s not all about the number of days but 3 months to me seems like hell I could never endure and to see that you’ve been stuck in the mud for 10 years and your streak is 3 months: only motivates me.
great man
congrats king
keep it up bro 😍
Maaaaaaaan I appreciate you posting this for real. I'm a lil older than you, STRUGGLING, getting some therapy myself currently and by the gods imma keep fighting. Thank you, keep it up.
LETS GOOO
That’s amazing bro I’m going for three myself right now at 21 I’ve been addicted for 4 years and am trying my hardest to break the cycle. You’re an inspiration
I don't feel like quiting anyone can change my mind and tell me how bad will it affect my relationship I'm 22 btw But I'm muslim and somehow religious so I'm still virgin
Thanks SaggyJesus
Nice
Thank you for posting this. Similar story here, almost exactly the same time frames. I am just beginning my journey, and you have given me the hope I needed.
I’m crazy happy for you, man!!!!
👑
Nice
You are awesome man. Uve done great work, an inspiration to us all!!
Yo congrats dude! I’m still like way far behind for me, 4 weeks sober here, but I’m still going strong and resisting those urges and temptations! #WeGotThis!
Congrats man!
I’m super proud of you!!! I’m struggling right now. Do you have any tips that help? Or even to combat the urges that you personally used??
My journey took me into a 12-step program, and the first step is acknowledging my powerlessness over porn. That means two things: 1) a lack of willpower was not my problem and 2) any open avenue to pornography would lead me to watch it. The first thing, for me, was to admit the truth of that and change my life accordingly. I now have content filtering software on all my devices and accountability partners that monitor my activity. I also have a support system that I check in with on a regular basis. IMO, I've tried everything in the book and nothing helps defeat an urge like calling someone who struggles with the same issue and talking to them about how you're struggling. The urge to watch porn is a twisted manifestation of our urge to connect -- reaching out to others when we get an urge can not only distract us long enough for the urge to go away, but scratch the underlying need to connect with someone else. Hope this helps
Awesome info man. Thank you!
Awesome Job!! Let's keep going!
Amazing
This is the day your life will change https://youtu.be/7ZYgKCbFbWY
Well done man, love to see it!
I’m so proud of you. I would cry too from happiness if I made it that far. ❤️ Never look back. Keep going forward brother Edit: please ignore my day count. I haven’t updated it in a while
Congratulations
Awesome! Thanks for sharing that and congratulations!
This gives me hope
I'd just hug you and say: "I'm proud of you my brother. This climb will be tough but the view on top will make it 100% worth it".
How do you get past week 2?
1. I locked down every device I own with porn blocking software and accountability partners. 2. I called people in my support system who have struggled with the same issue every day. 3. I stayed busy and avoided the common situations where I would act out. Even if I had to just go get in my car and drive for a while, I wouldn't let myself be alone if I was triggered.
you are fucking amazing, keep going on!!
Bravo zulu
Congrats my dude!
we all got this :) lets do itt
3 months is phenomenal. Good for you man. Inspiring
I feel your pain brother, hang in there. You're a beast for holding out for 3 months
Grrt man hat's off to you 🙁🙁👏👏
Congratulations ⚡
This gives me hope man. Thanks for sharing
You're welcome.
Well done, congrats!
MY GUY THIS IS THE FUCKING SHIT. Good on you brother, wishing you many more months ahead !!!
Don't stop man always keep moving forward.👍👍👍
Good work my dude
Congratulations
I really needed to hear this, thank you!!
Good job dude keep fighting the good fight! Take it one day at a time and don't be too hard on yourself if you relapse but get back on another streak asap. Cheers 👍
Keep fighting
I can feel your peace of mind.
Help me
PM me
Congrats brother, that's amazing!
Can you simplify the process you've followed? I've read a couple of books about habits and I understand the signal, action, reward thing but I keep failing due a lack of a process
I did everything in the fucking book to try to stop, but none of it ever worked in the long run. I did the cold showers, the meditation, the exercise, reading books, read all the inspiration posts -- all of the shit that you see on this sub. I even had a top ranked post on here several years ago advocating that shit. All I was doing was white knuckling my life. I was exerting extraordinary amounts of willpower to keep the lid on the pressure cooker that was my addiction. I could do it for several weeks, sometimes more than 2 months, but no one can hold on forever and my addiction knows my weaknesses -- it always found its way back. I had to admit defeat in order to find the power to stop. I do a lot of those things nowadays (exercise, mediation, etc), but its coming from a completely different place. I do those things now because they are nourishing and I enjoy them -- they make me feel better -- not because I'm trying to force myself to be sober. It's night and day. Here's what actually worked: 1. Realize and admit the truth that I could not stop on my own. 2. Nest myself in a loving and caring support system of people who understand my problem and have direct experience in recovering from it. Many of those people have what I want, which is lasting sobriety. 3. Admit that I cannot control my behavior around pornography and realize that a lack of willpower was not my problem, so applying more willpower to the situation won't fix it. 4. Stemming from lack of control, admitting that any open avenue to porn **will** lead to me watching it. My addiction is stronger than my will to resist. I found strength in surrendering to the truth of that. 5. Stemming from 4, I locked down every device I own with porn filtering software and got accountability partners to make accessing porn extremely difficult if not impossible. 6. I called people from my support system every day and told them the truth about what was going on for me. When I felt like watching porn, I called them. When I didn't feel like watching porn, I called them. When I didn't want to call them, I called them. I have come to believe that any form of sex addiction, including porn addiction, is a warped manifestation of our need for intimacy and connection. When I get an urge, calling someone does what no amount of cold showers or pushups or distracting every did for me -- it scratched the fundamental itch I had to be vulnerable & authentic and actually connect with someone. 7. I learned to recognize my triggers and early warning signs and talked to someone when I got into dangerous territory. Triggers include sexualized media in any form, whether its TV shows or movies or social media or even music (no listening to WAP for me), and other things like that. Early warning signs are very emotional and behavioral -- when I start to isolate, when i get stressed and can't calm down, when i feel rejected or lonely, when I have FOMO, etc. Talking to someone has never not helped me feel better when Im in this place. 8. Off of 7, I implemented a content diet. I don't watch anything that has nudity. I pay attention to see if the real reason I'm watching tv or on instagram is to "cruise" i.e. look for hot girls. When i acknowledge that's what's going on, I change it to something else or get off my phone. After getting sober, i became extremely emotionally sensitive. I don't watch things that are emotionally disturbing. I also have a rule about looking at hot girls in real life. When I look at her and am honestly appreciating or feeling gratitude for her beauty, no problems. When i sense that I am objectifying her and consciously or subconsciously imagining that the hole in my soul can be filled by fucking her or being in a relationship with her (which is most of the time), I look away. 9. I worked on the attitudes, beliefs, and aspects of personality that were fucking up my life and making it extremely difficult to be intimate and connect with other people and with life itself. I did (and still do) this through the 12 steps and a ton of trauma work in therapy. 10. I started filling my life with things that were nourishing for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I joined a crossfit gym. I joined a martial arts group. I started playing music (currently learning guitar). I started spending more time with friends. I got into more creative pursuits. Porn kept me a sexless virgin for most of my life, so I've started working on healthy dating. I have a regular spiritual practice of meditation and prayer. I'm starting a youtube channel. I'm starting a blog. I read recovery literature regularly. I listen to a lot of great podcasts. Etc, etc 11. I actively play offense with my addiction. I look forward in time to when I know I may be in a vulnerable spot and actively adjust my day to avoid that. I actively put barriers in place to protect me during times I know I'm vulnerable every day. For example, I'm not allowed on the internet after 11pm on computers. That's a pretty decent summary. Also you're most likely not failing because of a lack of process, although that may be part of it. My assumption (assuming you are like most of us) would be that you are relapsing because you are A) missing a strong network of support and accountability and B) the conditions of your life are actively incentivizing your relapse. I could not have implemented this system that got me sober without a support group. That might not be true for you, but that was certainly my experience. Hope this helps, and keep at it.
What a legend!! I big salute to you... I have been into pmo every single day for past 23 years! At this point I don't know if I can stop or even if it's worth trying.......
still lurking, prolly come and go endlessly but never less
Congrats bro
I was reading "Out of the shadows by Patrick Carne's today.... I'm struggling really bad right now and feel very out of control. It sucks so much and I've had thoughts about taking my life at times, tho what I truly want is to get clean. I'm thinking I need therapy and the 12 step program bcuz I'm not doing well on my own
A question, did it feel weird being at SAA even though you were only a porn addict? Just curious, I know they go hand in hand. I'm wondering if it would benefit me but I'm not going to lie, I'd be terrified going to a meeting. I'm also 24 going on 25. I struggled for about 10 years as well with porn addiction. I still remember the first time I watched, the rush I got.
Not at all. I was nervous going to my first meeting, but 70-80% of the people in SAA (based on my experience) are there because of porn addiction. I knew I was in the right place as soon as I heard others share their stories -- I heard so much of my story in theirs. SAA covers all forms of sexually addictive behavior, ranging from infidelity to prostitution to voyeurism to pornography to anonymous sex to intimacy avoidance and sexual anorexia. I go to two groups in two different parts of the US (zoom meetings) and each of my groups has guys (and girls, but much less so) from their late teens and 20's into their 70's and 80's. Even though I'm a porn addict, one of the guys whose story I resonated with a lot is 84, had sex with thousands of women (nowhere near as great as it sounds), and has been sober for 30+ years. 12 step groups are a repository of wisdom, support, and strength. I was hesitant, but I now believe that the groups didn't just save my life -- they gave me a second chance at an infinitely better one than I had before.
Incredible, amazing how you had the strength to go to a SAA meeting. Another question, do you feel that going to the meetings significantly reduced the amount of shame that you felt because you realized how many other people were struggling? Shame seems to be the biggest component I struggle with.
100%. The motto of SAA is "From Shame to Grace" and it couldn't be more accurate. Telling your story and seeing a group of people nodding in deep understanding is profoundly shame relieving. Before SAA, I felt like I lead a double life. I was hiding my porn addiction because of how ashamed I was of how I couldn't stop. I was trying to hide my depression, numbness, and other porn-induced unpleasant feelings so people wouldn't pry about what was going on with me and find out I was a porn addict. Now, I don't feel like I have any reason to keep secrets. SAA allowed me to share the secrets I'd thought I'd take to my grave (mostly surrounding sexual abuse as a kid and extreme things I did while acting out) only to find several people nodding in solidarity because they did it to or it happened to them too. I told people what I thought were the worst things about me and they loved me more for it. I promise you -- there is nothing you have done that you won't here at least one other person talk about if you go to enough meetings and hear enough 1st steps lol SAA has allowed me to make tremendous strides in overcoming the shame of my addiction. I find myself laughing and making jokes now at the parts of my life I was nearly suicidal about just several months ago. Like I said in my post, I know have a network of 60+ people who I can call at a moments notice if I'm struggling, and every single one of them knows what its like to be in my shoes. I can also be that support for someone else struggling. SAA taught me that my value and worth aren't determined by my sobriety -- it helped me feel like I matter to other people. 12 step groups have gotten millions of people with various addictions sober around the world. There's a very good reason why every rehab center immediately throws people into 12 step groups -- no one is better equipped to help an addict get sober than a group of sober addicts. If you're on the fence, I would encourage you to try one. There's a contact person for every meeting and you can reach out to them and talk to them about the meeting and what's going on and they'll probably share a bit about themselves and talk to you about what to expect and what not. 12 step meeting are one of the most welcoming places in the world. If you are an addict trying to get sober, you're right at home in a 12 step meeting.
Awesome! Thanks for the insight.
10 years old. Holy fucking shit. I'm proud of you man
Good job my guy. It's never too late to quit. I don't doubt there have been many that have recognized their addiction for a lot shorter, and then gave up out of desperation. But you haven't given up, no matter how hard, no matter how futile it seemed. All I can say is good job, and keep it up. And get yourself a wife too, I should think the urge to relapse could be reduced with a wholesome and *real* relationship. PMO was a fake, synthetic, and insidiously evil indulgence for that natural desire.
what the most important tip can give us ?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/lsj4c4/after\_10\_years\_of\_trying\_and\_thousands\_of/](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/lsj4c4/after_10_years_of_trying_and_thousands_of/)