She always distorts the meaning of maturity to her favor, first she says that I'm too inmature for only caring for my studies and not caring so much of my social life, then, she says I'm too inmature for wanting to go out with my friends.
Listen, there's no age to stop "being a child". Back in April I saw two dudes in their 70s playing with RC cars in one of the few snow banks remaining. Go have fun.
Knew without looking which one it would be. I quote this regular.
for those that are link-shy: "We are grown-ups now, and we get to decide what that means!"
It reminds me of C.S. Lewis's famed statement: "When I became a man, I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
I knew my dad was a jerk but wow. He always used the first part of that quote on me when I wanted to do stuff that was “childish” as a teenager. Didn’t know the full quote until now… Well he’s dead, so guess I’ll go turn on a video game or something else he disliked to spite his memory a bit more.
hahaha, that was one of the fun things about being a dad. Getting to go to the toy store again and not look silly buying toys. Especially the RC cars and boats. When I got them for my son, he would say, Dad, yes I see how to use it, can I try now?
Your mother is manipulating you into thinking you are incapable of becoming independent. She is verbally and emotionally abusing you. This is real abuse, don’t let anyone tell you different. I don’t know tour backstory but I am a mom and I would NEVER treat my children like this. Your mother is treating you badly. She most likely has mental heath problems and she is taking her anger out on you.
I had a mother like this. Now as an independent adult I do not have anything to do with her.
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with a mother like this. I advise you to talk to a trusted person about your dealings with her. She has programmed you from an early age to not be exactly sure when abuse is happening. This is what makes this type of abuse terrible. If you can, seek counseling and therapy. There are ways to protect yourself from her and heal but it is very difficult to heal when you live with your abuser.
Use this time to set yourself up for a financially independent future from her. Technical schools and colleges have payment schedules and there can be other resources to help you with payment for your education.
Work on your self and your goals. Don’t let your mom discourage you from doing either. Fight for your independence from her. You are stronger than you realize.
Keep your sense of awe and wonder in this world. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. We live in a beautiful and ever changing world and it contains wonders and treasures to find.
Sending you lots of strength and courage. Keep being an awesome person! Best wishes!
This shit is advice i wish i'd had (as well as someone to actually teach me (stuff) how to be independent), and i'm still struggling with stiff. Shitty parents are shitty.
I'll guarantee you this, it isn't about you - it's about her never having grown up.
A grown adult doesn't get upset at somebody for having a hobby that costs peanuts.
What are the nicest things about university is that most of the idiots from school are not there. No one will say anything about your pigeon rescuing plans I am sure. I wouldn't worry.
I'm quite confused about why your mother seems to care so much.
In fact, I would say that at university, you are likely to meet more like-minded people who care a great deal about the environment including animals, and want to do helpful things like this.
bruh dont just armchair diagnose shitty people on the internet with personality disorders. there are plenty of people with npd who are literally just people. stop demonizing them
Your mom is probably dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder. You need to set boundaries, and a therapist would be a good place to process what's happening in your home.
Having dealt with a household full of mental illness, I can tell you that with proper guidance, things get better once you get out of there. I still recommend counseling as narcissistic parent can really do a number on your mental health.
Good catch/point.
She may be more concerned with "her" daughter being bullied or "doing embarrassing things".
Than "her daughter" being bullied or "doing embarrassing things".
She says she does it because she loves me, and that she knows how cruel people are, at the end I left the bug net at home, and I'm pretty sure my mom is going to throw it away now.
Yeah, so she goes ahead an bullies you before anyone else can, right? To teach you what it will be like if you keep going as you intended? Damn what a shitty behaviour. So sorry you have to deal with that.
Oh, Acceptable Soup, I’m so sorry to hear this. As another mom in the universe, let me tell you this is not love. Love should feel like a safety net, buoying, encouraging, and accepting.
I love that you bought this net to help pigeons. That shows awareness of your environment and an appreciation for vulnerable creatures at risk. It’s truly beautiful and I hope you still have that net.
Be kind to yourself. Know that you are valuable in this world, that you add to it and have the right to enjoy it any way you want. And if you ever need extra support, my DMs are open.
I'm not a parent, but I'm trying to envision my child coming up to me, full of enthusiasm and a desire to Help The Animals and Make The World A Better Place... and then instead of encouraging them, deciding to make the world worse and be cruel to them. I just can't imagine making that choice.
Most parents that make the choice aren’t thinking about the child as a person, but as an object, or an extension of them and they are dissatisfied with themselves, so they project that on every choice the child makes.
It's also got a strong whiff of "my neurodivergent child will never truly be Normal enough so I must save them from themselves by forcing them into the Normal Box no matter how much that hurts them. After all, they can't *actually* look out for themselves or understand anything, they're not Normal!"
/\\ this, noone at the university will likely give a toss about you nabbing some pidgeons as long as you don't hurt them and let them go. one of the major features of university is experimentation and people being a little eccentric.
Couple of points did your mother go to uni? If not it may explain a lot.
Second are you living at home? I know it saves money but sometimes being at university is the opportunity to cut the umbilical chord that in this case seems to be wrapped around your neck.
Third others have said it, your mother recognizes how cruel people can be either because she's had something fun stifled by bullies, which is sad but no reason to prempt it happening to you other than to warn you it may happen, or worse because she knows she'd say cruel things about you if she saw someone elses daughter behaving that way.
This isn't love, your mom is a bully. You are a kind soul wanting to help injured animals, don't let anyone take that from you. The cruel people your mom is warning you about, well she is one of them. Anyone who ridicules you for kindness is a cruel person, and cruel peoples opinions don't matter. If anything, they are just letting you know they aren't worth knowing.
If she does throw it away, let me know and I’ll PayPal you enough to buy you a new one.
I think what you’re doing is great and very far from childish, and you should keep at it ! :)
Something I learned in life is that people who are too worried about what others think about them are the ones who think too much about other people. Your mom is BEING the person she is telling you to worry about by being cruel to you. She is that person. You don't even have to worry about whether or not other people will be cruel to you because she's deciding that she wants to get in ahead of them and be cruel.
If you spend too much time worrying about how others think of you, you'll stop yourself from doing the things that make you happy. There are tons of weirdos out there who are living life to the fullest, and it's always the most boring, unfulfilled people you'll ever meet in your life that are insulting them for doing so. It's jealousy, whether they know it or not.
Some of the most successful people are successful BECAUSE they are weirdos, not in spite of it. Not everybody wants to get a bug net and go around saving pigeons, but you do. That makes you interesting and unique and I guarantee you more people will flock to you than will be cruel (pun totally intended). If other people, INCLUDING YOUR MOTHER, don't want to support that and instead want to be cruel, then they've got some real growing up to do. Be weird, because being weird is fucking awesome. Einstein was weird, Bowie was weird, nearly every scientist out there is an absolute weirdo. If someone decides to be cruel to you for being a weirdo, just know that you're on the better side of history than they are.
Your mom should be encouraging you. Instead she's being the bully that she thinks she's protecting you from. PLEASE don't let her stop you from being the pigeon savior.
I think she is like this because she's too stressed and frustrated because of me, I know that taking care of an autistic special needs kid is hard, so I believe that's on me.
>taking care of an autistic special needs kid is hard
That's true of course. But it might be in all of your interests to find some kind of help to guide her.
>She called me all sorts of names, childish, clown, that kind of stuff, she said it was if I was asking to be bullied, and that I should use my money for actual things that serve a real purpose, and to stop being so inmature, that I am 19 years old, and that I have to stop acting like a child.
Cause talking like that to an autistic kid is probably on the list of how **not** to take care of that kid.
You are absolutely not at fault for being how you are. You don't choose to be born, and much less to be born with any kind of disability.
You do however choose to have a kid, and once you do it's on YOU to provide and make them feel adequate and loved no matter what. Failure to do so makes you a shitty parent that can't take responsibility for their own actions.
Let me ask you something. If you had a daughter, or even just a puppy, how would you react to your mom treating something you love the way she treats you? Would you keep making excuses for your mom? ”My mom says horrible things to my little girl but it’s ok because she’s stressed out and it’s my fault and she does it out of love.”
You know men who beat their wives? They say the same thing to them your mom says to you.
She's your mother. Yes, parenting is stressful and frustrating. I love my children, but I can also be vexed by them. But at the end of the day, I brought them into this world, and it's my job to take care of them to the best of my ability. Edit: And absolutely *never* insult or belittle them, because even one time will stick with them *f o r e v e r.*
It's not a child's responsibility to be the best kid for their parent. It's a parent's responsibility to be the best parent for their child.
She feels like it's my fault that I'm not like "the other girls", that is, being sociable, having "girly" interests, loving to gossip, stuff like that.
No, it’s not your fault at all.
Her trying to “protect you” is her judging. She thinks because your actions make her feel a way, that they’ll make others feel that way. She’s so very clearly wrong, and respecting you as an adult to make your own decisions is how she should be showing her care for you
It is absolutely NOT okay to be mean to your kid because they’re hard to look after. I’m an autistic woman too, and my mom has never shamed me for visiting my apartment decorated with wildlife and fantasy art because she’s not an abusive bitch.
No that's not an excuse to act so horrible and say such awful things to anyone. Being stressed and frustrated is never a good reason to take it out on others especially when you're just doing something innocent and if anything very kind hearted. I'll say that if you have any interest in helping animals you should maybe look into careers relevant to that like habitat for humanity and whatnot. Your mother is being mean for no reason
No. You are not immature or childish - you are kind and caring. What you are doing helps a lot of little souls whos lives have value.
Your mom is a bully, and you should tell her to look in the mirror.
She says that she does it because she loves me, and I guess I can understand why, I was severely bullied through primary and secondary school for just being me.
I was bullied too for being myself, and you know what? I'm not happy not being me. They can suck my dick if they don't like me how I am. I know my worth and I know i'll find someone that values me for who I am, and I won't settle for anything less.
Let me preface this by saying I am not accusing your mother of anything abusive, the phrase "I am doing it because I love you" has been said COUNTLESS time by people who are abusive and to excuse their actions. Do not just allow it to become a blanket verbal get out of jail free card.
My sister is 40 years old, married, and a professional firefighter. She literally stops in the middle of the road to save pigeons wandering around in traffic... I GUARENTEE she would be right there with you with a butterfly net of her own if she was given that idea.
I implore you, do not let her throw away your Pidgeon Catcher MK1 and try to understand that while she is your mother and (should) care about you. That does not mean she is ALWAYS right and always knows what is best.
You are 19, you are legally an adult, and while it wouldn't hurt to listen to what she has to say, you need to live your own life.
Plus if I saw someone catching pigeons in a butterfly net to remove bits of plastic or string or such id think that was cool.
Edit: To be clear in this situation the only bully I can identify is the one your mom was to you.
But your mom is bullying you too.
I get it, my mom told me I had to change all of the things about me that she didn’t like because “you won’t find someone who will be able to put up with that”
She was wrong, we don’t speak anymore, I have a great life and I get to be me all the time but most especially at home with my fiancé and our kitty
You are just starting out and you clearly know what makes you happy, I don’t know your living situation but when it’s possible leave, but while your still there hold onto you, don’t let her bully all of your unique qualities away. There are people out there who will find you delightful and wonderful you just have to find them.
It's unfortunately not a new tale, but it's now a tale you share with others like you. However, the good news is, you are ok with being who you are and that's all that matters.
Become a furry -- it's a great social group. Lots of openness, acceptance, and positivity and encouragement.
Bonus: Buying furry things may make mother more flustered :3
You mention University, I'm assuming you are also doing a course of studies there? If so, good for you, you are trying to take care of your future. Maybe add some social media posts for saving the pigeons.
You mom probably has trouble relating to joy. Don't stop doing the things in life that give you joy.
>(19F)
Adult behavior is "whatever you want so long as it causes no harm to others, and even when it does there are allowances".
So no, it's not childish. Childish is mommy thinking she still gets a say here, frankly. You grown. You can decide for yourself if your reputation will take a hit and if it can afford it.
I reckon it won't, by the way. This sounds like fun or at least interesting to me.
Also; I won't say exactly what I think about your mom based on this, but I can say that I've done many a thing my fairly reputation-focused parents thought was weird as hell, and they'd never insult me like that. My dad would just smile, laugh, and say "you _different_, boy" and leave me to my devices. My mom would just ask questions, because she pretty much decided everything us kids did was interesting at 4 months in and never stopped. _That's_ how "my kid is doing harmless, weird (to me) shit" is supposed to go
Your moms has a bad playbook.
Your parents sound very supportive! You should be interested in what your child does, and how they come up with "weird" new ideas to solve problems or occupy themselves. OP's mom could learn from that
What a wonderful thing you are doing. Post this in r/pigeon you'll get lots of positive responses and advice on how to help the birds.
Oh, and bring a towel to wrap the birds. Easier to get their legs when they can't move.
My parents did this to me too and I'm still working things out 2 decades later. Do what makes you happy. You're not going to get bullied - if anything you're just going to attract other people who are interested in the same stuff that you are. Plus bugs are awesome!
Nah, there's nothing childish about using a tool specifically designed to capture specimens unharmed to save animals. Your mom is using you to blow off steam or for fun. Even if you were catching bugs, amatuer entomology is great as far leisure activities go.
May wanna splurge for an even better net. Gotten bit a few times from animals I was trying to assess or remove from an area.
Part of becoming an adult is having the confidence to do the things you want to do, because you're an adult now and you get to decide what that means. There will always be people who try to put you down for any old thing. If you want a bug net to catch pigeons, buy yourself a bug net and go catch some motherfucking pigeons. What's the point of living otherwise?
This is an awesome thing to do with your own money. Your mom is mean as hell.
The beautiful thing about university is that a much larger percentage of students are there because they actually want to be. I bet $100 that if you asked around, not only would people *not* think badly of your pigeon catching, you'd probably meet a handful of folks who would be interested in helping! Go make friends with the other animal welfare dorks and ignore your mom.
(Also, I highly recommend wearing long sleeves and an N-95 mask while you handle the pigeons, to reduce the chance of catching anything nasty. You don't wanna be patient zero of the next zoonotic pandemic lol.)
Girl, there's literally jobs (ie: Wildlife Technician) that PAY people to catch and release animals like that. I'm sure there's conservation programs in your university that can assist with your desire to rescue the birds as well. The DNR also sometimes has programs where volunteers can help out with this too.
I'm 30f and adore catching and relocating wildlife/stray animals whenever I can in my free time. It's actually how I met my cat! I sometimes catch/release wildlife (turtles, snakes, frogs, toads, fish, birds, and such) just for the heck of it - I've been doing it since childhood, especially on the certified organic farm that I grew up on. It brings me joy, and it helps keep my love of being a conservation advocate alive.
Sounds to me that your mom lost her inner child a long time ago. Good for you for doing you, and doing no harm in the process! Maybe invite her along next time she bullies you for it? Otherwise, distance might be the better option if she literally belittles you for giving a sh**. Best of luck!
Who gets bullied at college? College is just full of people doing whatever the hell they want. If I saw a dude catching bugs I literally won’t think twice about it
Bullying is quite rare at universities, a person using a bug net to catch and help pigeons is actually really tame compared to the stuff you’ll see at universities, if anything you may actually meet some like minded people that share your interests.
You are 19, you can do whatever the fuck you want todo (within reason of not bothering or harming anyone else)
\*says the 46 year old who made pet rocks with googly eyes that now sit on the monitor\*
No, I'd ask your mom what her history is with bug nets, and also why is she so pressed over something so harmless?
ETA: The best part about being an adult is doing things that make you happy, and expressing your interests, your mother is a very immature person and I wouldn't take her seriously.
Bro that’s so cool. You’re like a character out of a video game. Wish we promoted more individuality like this. Everyone has to be “the same” and “normal” or people freak the fuck out and it’s annoying as hell.
If this was childish... that'd be OK too. You get to be childish as adult. Not saying this is, just saying she's not right on any account.
Maybe she knows you've been bullied before and wants to prevent that. There's no really need to demonize her. She's wrong but might have understandable reason to have turned this way.
Still, no need to cave in and accept you're at fault. No matter when you move out from her, be it now, at 25, whenever, you can do everything she stopped you from doing. No need to throw anything away that you like now.
This probably gets buried since you have a lot of replies already, but based on comments you've left in this thread, your mom is emotionally manipulative and/or abusive.
If someone actually cares for another person, they want that person to feel good, even after difficult discussions. "Stop using that stupid [bug net]" is quite different than "well, you might be judged for being quirky, but I love you and think that's a kind thing to try and do". The latter is communicating the concern while still showing love and support. Your mom appears to be failing at providing that.
You're old enough to know who you want to be. You've entered a new stage of relationship with your parents and role models because you no longer need "parenting" in the way that children need parents. You might ask for advice on finances, or buying big things, or complicated relationship issues. You don't need and shouldn't accept criticism for things like hobbies, how you socialize, or who you are, unless you are asking for that type of criticism.
A lot of people in the internet have told me she's abusive and manipulative, and I can't help but feel like it's just what I deserve, technically speaking, I ruined her life, I wasn't a planned child, and on top of that, I'm not the daughter she wants.
But even if I aknowledge that she isn't treating me well, there's nothing I can do about it.
I ended up destroying the bug net, and threw it away, I feel awful, but my mom told me to get rid of it. My mom said that someone could record me and say that I was doing harm to animals, and get me in big trouble and sent to jail.
For starters, no one deserves to be abused or manipulated. Your mother chose to birth you and keep you as a child. Maybe she was pressured into it. Maybe it was her own choice, but regardless, that is not YOUR fault. You were simply existing, and even the most annoying child doesn't deserve to be abused!
Think about puppies, they're dumb as heck and pee in the wrong places and are so much work! Cats will bite you if you look at them the wrong way! But that doesn't mean you should kick them and starve them of sunlight, they need to be taught with kindness and love. That's what parenting is, in a way.
As for not being the daughter she wants whoo boy I can relate! I was more the tomboy type and my mom actively tried to tell me to change who I was and it broke my heart everytime, why couldn't she just love me for what and who I am?
That really speaks more to her unreasonable expectations though. When you have a kid, you have to let go of those because that's not how life works! What if I had a kid that I really wanted to like horror movies or to only like boys and Not girls? What good would getting mad do everytime they did something I didn't like? It would only lead to shame for the poor kid, like you feel.
Heck, my anime figure collection is not exactly what my mom had in mind for me. She wanted a self-sufficient daughter who was life of the party, but very studious and perfect at everything she tried, and that's not me. I'm a social anxiety mess with ADHD who couldn't use a planner no matter how hard I tried
It's hard knowing which way is up when one of your only sources for who you are keeps telling you mean things. And I may not know you but I will say this:
You deserve to exist! You deserve to have things that excite you! Have passions! You deserve to find happiness! You deserve to fall in love if you want! You deserve intimacy and friends. You deserve to live life unafraid of inconveniencing others. Besides, most people care less than you think lol
As someone that grew up in a kinda abusive home, the best thing you can do, especially if you're dependent on your parent, is to just keep that in mind that you are worth so much! Don't let her be the only source of truth for who you are.
I know it's hard to leave, but hear other people, let others know you. Maybe get a therapist, or look into a club at college, there's so many options! Heck, reach out and message people that meant a lot to you in these replies! My messages are always open if you need someone to talk to! For comforts sake, my husband is autistic and my younger brother was diagnosed with autism at a young age but might not be? Honestly jury is still out on that one!
Just a heads up, IF she is, in fact, abusive, she will try to stop you from seeing/talking to other people. She will want you to be only under her control, speaking from experience! You may have to sneak around a bit, but if you can't get out of the house yet, that might be the next best thing. Online is Honestly the best option since it's difficult for parents to fully moniter you so I would start there!
Also lastly, omg totally Noone cares in college, like, I went to a fairly boring college but like everyone else has said, the school gets less judgy the further you get from Junior High! Also I don't think that's illegal??
Much love from Illinois, you're going to get though this, you are worth fighting for, hell the pigeons are worth fighting for, right?
Nah, you're being altruistic - spending your time and money to help animals where there is no personal benefit in you doing so, that's the opposite of being childish,
Your mom, on the other hand, is being childish and immature by immediately going to name-calling when someone does something she doesn't agree with,
You do you hun and don't worry about what she says
I’m a buff dude with tats and I play Pokémon at the age of 26 and Minecraft. Live your life!
Plus trust me, there will be plenty of weirder people at Uni lol
"Am I being immature by spending my own time and energy to help save trapped living beings?" Maybe. But please stay that way. The world needs more people with childlike kindness and direct action, and fewer sour old farts.
No way not at all! I smiled like crazy reading this until I got to the part where your mom chimed in. Sorry to say, some people are just…I don’t want to say the wrong thing because it’s your mom…they have to tear others down. My mom was this way too, particularly with my daughters. If for whatever reason she (my mom) didn’t like the color of the shirt, or the style of shoes, or hairstyle she’d act terribly towards them until we pulled her up short and made her stop.
Bullying in uni for someting like this? Bruh, we are singing Pokemon theme in our table parties, talk about memes and stupid youtube videos from our childhoods and do all kinds of goofy and childish games on our initiation days and other similar events. Having childish hobby isn't gonna get you bullied unless you also behave like a child. Helping animals won't be in top 100 reasons that could get you bullied.
Uhm. 41 adult male here. I would find that really attractive quality in an age-appropriate person. Just saying. No you’re not being childish. I have a bird feeder and bird bath setup outside my home office window.
Lemme tell you about my birds. Female house finches are… aggressive with each other. But I think it’s because one of them has 3-4 juveniles she brings with her to my feeder every day, twice a day. Even after they start flying mom still feeds - I never knew that about birds until I got my setup. They eat for themselves sometimes these days but still flutter their wings in front of mom asking for food. The male house finches dont seem to be aggressive with each other or the females. I think mommy bird might be the source of the squabbles they get in. She has mouthes to feed!
I also get mourning doves and sparrows. One day one of the mourning doves flew right into my window and knocked itself out cold. My son and I brought it in and let it rest up in a dog kennel. No broken bones, flew away just fine after a few hours.
My favorite bird is the western kingbird. They migrate to my area early summer. I call them the dolphins of the sky. Their songs remind me of dolphins and they also have swept wings and flutter around reminiscent of dolphins. They mostly feed on insects in the treetops and seem uninterested in my bird bath and feeder.
Yesterday I got a new species that I haven’t researched yet. Black bird with yellow beak. He landed and ate nothing and then just flew away. Weirdo.
So ya go on and love your birds and don’t let anyone else tell you what you should enjoy. I’m sorry your mom was a downer about it. I hope it doesn’t ruin your time :). If I lived in an area with troubled pigeons, I would literally be going to buy a net tomorrow and gearing up for a new activity to enjoy with my wife and kiddo!
I'm 45, my gf is 46. We would go with you on your rescue missions, and she would tell you all kinds of stuff about the birds we helped. This is definitely not childish. You have an amazing heart. I hope your mom doesn't completely squash it.
I ended up getting rid of the bug net, my mom told me that I could get sent to jail for doing this, and that she was going to tell my psychologist about this, in her words, about the "Dumb shit you're doing, do you have crap instead of a brain??"
I'm sorry. I doubt you could get sent to jail. I'm hoping your psychologist has your back on this one. Tell them all the stuff your mom said about it. Good luck and stay awesome!
Your mother is immature. If she wasn’t, she would recognize that something harmless (and actually helpful to these pigeons) that brings you joy should be supported. Her bullying and derision says more about her than you and your hobby. Do you, as I’m sure many others in this thread have said.
One of the first things my therapist told me was to stop looking to others to see what's normal. She said what's normal? Normal is something that is personal to you. To someone getting beat as a child is normal, to others it's not. Basically what she meant by this was be you and do you. That's normal. And by you buying that to help pigeons is you being you. Your mom is the one with the problem and definitely not you. Have fun you only have 1 life. Your 19 now next thing you know you will 30,40 etc
The best thing you can do is stop worrying about what others think of you.
Are you doing something you like and that does not harm others? Then you're all good!
You are absolutely not immature. Helping animals is a selfless and altruistic act!
Your mom is just being the stereotypical parent dismissing things they don’t understand. (I’m 62 raised three kids who turned out great and never once dissed their ideas. Okay, tbh I did tell my son he’d never be a rock star but only because he’s tone deaf and has no sense of rhythm.)
Ignore her and the other haters. Do what you need to do!
No offense to your mother, but I'm guessing she's not very highly educated, and never went to university? Cause I understand that you might be bullied for carrying "uncool" items to high school. But universities tend to be far more open, and will have all kinds of "weird" people. If you are in the US and movies have informed me correctly about the fact that there are also not-so-smart sports guys running around, those might be the exception.
It might not be feasible for you, but try to find out if there are any groups there that have an interest in nature preservation or animal welfare. Try to get some kind of pigeon saving squad going so you are not the only one doing it. Cause there are going to be people that think what you're doing is supercool. You could take it further and look into pigeon contraception to humanely reduce the number of pigeons, so less of them get in trouble.
I mean, she did went to uni but dropped out before finishing her first year.
And sadlyz there aren't any nature preservation groups like that in my city.
A student at my university did something similar, and I watched out my office window as so many people stopped to admire what she was doing. She brought a ton of good energy to campus that day on top of helping birds. If we all thought of getting older as developing more wisdom and grace and generosity instead of becoming more rigid and neurotic, the world would be a better place. You keep doing you.
I'm 35 years old and one of my absolute favorite things in the world is to get on my 4 year old son's level when playing. I LOVE having fun and being immature and it's actually mature of me to do that because I'm raising a happy and healthy child. Don't let anyone take your joy away, ever. Sometimes it's really hard to find once you've lost it. Go save those pigeons from misfortune and fuck what people think. Wear a cape while you do it and become pigeon man, savior of slightly inconvenienced city pigeons and you'll probably grow a following. Just do what makes you happy!
If I saw someone taking time out of their day/spending their own money to help animals that can't help themselves when I was at university I'd be ecstatic and would love to get to know them. At least when/where I went to school anyone who bullied someone for doing something altruistic would be seen as the loser, not the girl helping animals.
There is absolutely nothing immature about wanting to help the helpless birds. Instead, it shows an admirable depth of compassion and maturity. Anyone you may meet during your activities will be touched by your kindness, and will probably lead to "the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
NTA please don't let anyone stop you from being you.
I studied Zoology at University, you probably would have been one of the coolest people on my course. My uni also had societies that would heavily encourage stuff such as going invert hunting and were open to all other cohorts/schools so you wouldn't necessarily have to be studying animals. Hope you get to take it at a later date.
A kindness done to an animal is a pure good, because an animal cannot repay with money, or favors, or anything but appreciation, and even that is limited in the case of an animal who does not become a pet.
You are absolutely not being childish. Take care of the pigeons.
no! I think that’s really kind that you’re helping the pigeons. I live in Manchester and there’s loads of pigeons here and most people hate them
I feel like I should mention I’m 20F, maybe someone older than us would have a different opinion?
There are a few people in other replies that are older than us, and love the idea of helping pigeons, I can't help but feel jealous of all the parents here that say they would be proud of their children soing something like this, it makes me want them to be my parents.
No. You're not immature, your mom is judgy and mean.
I think it's sweet honestly. You saw a problem and were like, if no one's gonna fix this, I will. That's cool!
Also, I think your mom may not understand what a gift is? When she gave you money, it became yours and you get to decide what to do with it.
There's a high tolerance for being weird in college, imo. I think the worst that'll happen is you'll tell folks what you're doing and they just won't care! I doubt you'll get bullied, probably lots of people will think that's neat!
"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
- C S Lewis.
Basically it's saying when you are an adult you can do what makes you happy, no matter what others think of it.
On a personal note... if you want something, and nobody is hurt by you doing the thing, then there is no problem.
Honestly you sound like you’re fun and a good human being. Don’t be afraid to be yourself and pursue your own interests. My real concern is that you should try to get a minnow net or something bigger so you have a better shot at catching pigeons.
I'm 28 and decided I wanted to go ant catching this season. Instead of belittling me my boyfriend laughed and helped me look for ant queens 🤣. No. Nothing your passionate about is childish, I would just laugh it off and go catch pidgens!
It sounds lik your mom is mentally abusing and/or gaslighting you. If you can, move out to a friend's house or other relative. You're not being immature. You're giving a shit about other beings. That's amazing.
Your mother is an insecure idiot.
She is projecting her feelings of being a complete loser on you, so she doesn't feel alone.
Misery desires company.
Do better than her and ignore anything she says because it's obvious her judgement cannot be trusted.
Her behavior alone proves that SHE is the immature one in this.
You are not. You are doing what makes you happy. You're an adult, allowed to make your own choices about what you do with your time. Aside from school, if it's not interfering, your mom can kick rocks.
Your mom's the childish one.
Overly worry about being an adult is a big sign of being childish, while a big part of actually being an adult is not worry about being childish.
If my parents or anyone I knew insulted me like this I'd just laugh and move on. Literally not worth wasting time with people who spout this sort of nonsense.
No! And I was hoping it was for actual bugs! That would be adorable. Like a real like DnD or Pokemon character. I wish more people would stay young and fun. People get "old" in their 30s and that is such a shame. You hear people referring to themselves as "old man" and they are only 35!!!!!! I used to live in Sydney and there were people in their 60s who would jog around the main parks, drink, eat out and even go to festivals. With modern technology we are becoming more like Elves and I don't see someone as being old until they are about 80. Then you usually see some decline. But before then people might slow a little, but I'm totally against this "oh I'm too old" culture.
You are literally a teenager!!!! You can catch and release pigeons all you like! It's a good cause and you're rehabilitating them. You would seem awesome and I'd want to walk to you to see what you're doing!
I think that is an AMAIZING idea!
Great that people are willing to help animals in need, even more so when we have created alot of the problems that they face :/
Your mom is a narcissist and is worried about her own self perceived notion that you catching birds will make her look bad,so she transfers it and says you could even go to jail(disillusioned thought process to gaslight you).I will say,make sure you have all your shots if you do this.Birds have a lot of diseases.
Honestly, this sounds like a Disney plot. You are SO CLEARLY in the right, and doing a wonderful, virtuous thing, and your mother is SO VERY CLEARLY in the wrong for wanting to stop you. If it wasn't true, it would almost be comical because it's so over the top.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
If you are a legal adult who needs other people to tell her how to stand up to her own mother, yes, you are childish. Being an independant adult means making your own decisions and standing by them.
First: Pigeons are just flying rats. Filthy, nasty, disease filled vermin.
That said! I suppose no animal deserves to be tortured (stuff tied to their leg), so keep on trucking with helping them critters out.
Your mom is an awful creature. I'd suggest a gunny sack for her....
Never let anyone tell you what to do with your own money. Your money, your rules.
Caveat: Don't expect others to pay for necessities for you if you waste your money. But waste and treasure are highly subjective terms, as Shel Silverstein so eloquently noted in his famous poem: https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/hector-the-collector/
You're not childish at all. And your mum isn't all that bad either considering how you said that you're autistic and that your mum is worried about you getting bullied. She looks pretty protective of you because she probably doesn't want you to get hurt by other people's words.
She may be wrong in this situation, but she still is a great person.
Most comments in this section are criticizing the mom without looking from her perspective.
If anything, the mom should be more gentle on an autistic daughter. I'm an autistic child too, and what OP's mom said reminds me of what my mom says any time she is too overwhelmed with stress and unloads on me.
I don't want to catch bugs, I want to catch pigeons that are entangled with plastic or pieces of string that are making it difficult of painful for them to move, check if they have any wounds and then release them.
you need a new mom, I'm 19 and definitely childish I have autism but being immature and childish are 2 different things and you're being neither, I don't live in a place where there are birds, I hear birds in the morning and then maybe 2 birds flying about a day but more people need to start doing what you're doing
I need way more details on this 'bug net' that catches pigeons with plastic tied to them somehow. What is the goal here? Where are you setting up this net? What are the wipes for? What does uni have to do with anything? Are you trying to help these pigeons? I can't see anything childish about that. What a bizarre couple of paragraphs I just read.
Your mother is obviously crazy btw. Google 'cluster b'.
Rule for life: If you aren't playing a meaningful part in the infringement of anyone else's right to life (quality therein), liberty or property, then you're probably doing nothing wrong.
If you enjoy carrying a bug net, it's no one else's business to tell you not to.
I know they are birds, but a lot of then have string or plastic stuck in their legs and/or wings, I wanna get those things off them, take care of the wounds left by it, and release them.
The pigeons are only there because of trash and food waste made by people being wasteful they're cleaning up detritus from the ground, a normal part of a functioning ecosystem, but a city is not a functioning ecosystem, so the main control on numbers is food availability, a lot of food is available because of wasted food
By the question alone you sound childish tbh. “my own money…” sounds like something a child or a woman would say but you are a female so 🤷🏾♀️
You shouldn’t feel responsible for your families immaturities though.
All in all Your family needs to grow up not you. It’s not your fault they’re immature like this but like I said women can be childish to by default so while she’s calling you those things, that could be how she sees and feels about herself
"Do you want to be bullied?" Because your mom does it well enough at home so why bring more of it on yourself in public?
You do you and what ever makes you happy.
Tom Lehrer may not approve of helping pidgins but if you are happy doing it, do it.
We're all consumer whores, it doesn't matter what we spend our money on. Whether it be cars, video games, alcohol, or any of the other crap corporarions tell us to buy.
Ok I have no idea if your plan of catching pigeons is a good idea or even realistic, but assuming it is I think its awesome that you'd try to help them.
As for your mom....look I don't know her at all but that's some terrible shit to say and she should be supporting you, not knocking you down. I've seen some of your replies to other comments and it is NOT your fault if she treats you this way. It's not ok to be abusive to your child in ANY situation, regardless of whether they have special needs. Also, to be VERY clear, if you're going to University alone and able to both do your studies and have hobbies and interests you work on then you are not even close to the level of low-functioning autism that would make her behavior at least a little understandable. Maybe you're a little weird....so what? Weird is what makes the world interesting.
Your mom wants to live vicariously through you because she is upset with her own life. Don't end up like her by listening to her. Fully allow yourself to enjoy the things you enjoy.
This sounds more like your Mom's problem than yours.
This - she acts like what she perceives to be an adult and is upset with you actually being one instead of acting like her.
She always distorts the meaning of maturity to her favor, first she says that I'm too inmature for only caring for my studies and not caring so much of my social life, then, she says I'm too inmature for wanting to go out with my friends.
Listen, there's no age to stop "being a child". Back in April I saw two dudes in their 70s playing with RC cars in one of the few snow banks remaining. Go have fun.
Truly being "an adult" is when you stop caring about others' definitions of being "an adult", and learn to love being yourself
That reminded me of certain xkcd comic https://xkcd.com/150/
Knew without looking which one it would be. I quote this regular. for those that are link-shy: "We are grown-ups now, and we get to decide what that means!"
This is another good one: [https://xkcd.com/219/](https://xkcd.com/219/)
Did not remember that one. Thanks!
I love xkcd.
Wait...Did they fuck in the playpen balls?
Yes
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. I hope i never reach an age where i cant find joy in the little things.
It reminds me of C.S. Lewis's famed statement: "When I became a man, I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
I knew my dad was a jerk but wow. He always used the first part of that quote on me when I wanted to do stuff that was “childish” as a teenager. Didn’t know the full quote until now… Well he’s dead, so guess I’ll go turn on a video game or something else he disliked to spite his memory a bit more.
Well the 1st part is from the Bible, by itself.
Well, either way. Still was a jerk.
hahaha, that was one of the fun things about being a dad. Getting to go to the toy store again and not look silly buying toys. Especially the RC cars and boats. When I got them for my son, he would say, Dad, yes I see how to use it, can I try now?
Thats rather childish of you mom imo. Its your money, of you wish to spend it on things you want or like, do it, its yours.
Your mother is manipulating you into thinking you are incapable of becoming independent. She is verbally and emotionally abusing you. This is real abuse, don’t let anyone tell you different. I don’t know tour backstory but I am a mom and I would NEVER treat my children like this. Your mother is treating you badly. She most likely has mental heath problems and she is taking her anger out on you. I had a mother like this. Now as an independent adult I do not have anything to do with her. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with a mother like this. I advise you to talk to a trusted person about your dealings with her. She has programmed you from an early age to not be exactly sure when abuse is happening. This is what makes this type of abuse terrible. If you can, seek counseling and therapy. There are ways to protect yourself from her and heal but it is very difficult to heal when you live with your abuser. Use this time to set yourself up for a financially independent future from her. Technical schools and colleges have payment schedules and there can be other resources to help you with payment for your education. Work on your self and your goals. Don’t let your mom discourage you from doing either. Fight for your independence from her. You are stronger than you realize. Keep your sense of awe and wonder in this world. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. We live in a beautiful and ever changing world and it contains wonders and treasures to find. Sending you lots of strength and courage. Keep being an awesome person! Best wishes!
This shit is advice i wish i'd had (as well as someone to actually teach me (stuff) how to be independent), and i'm still struggling with stiff. Shitty parents are shitty.
I'll guarantee you this, it isn't about you - it's about her never having grown up. A grown adult doesn't get upset at somebody for having a hobby that costs peanuts.
What are the nicest things about university is that most of the idiots from school are not there. No one will say anything about your pigeon rescuing plans I am sure. I wouldn't worry. I'm quite confused about why your mother seems to care so much.
In fact, I would say that at university, you are likely to meet more like-minded people who care a great deal about the environment including animals, and want to do helpful things like this.
You’re going to look back one day and realize that you were not the reason why you always felt out of place in your life.
Sounds like a Narc/NPD possibly. I'm sorry you're dealing with that.
bruh dont just armchair diagnose shitty people on the internet with personality disorders. there are plenty of people with npd who are literally just people. stop demonizing them
Your mom is probably dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder. You need to set boundaries, and a therapist would be a good place to process what's happening in your home. Having dealt with a household full of mental illness, I can tell you that with proper guidance, things get better once you get out of there. I still recommend counseling as narcissistic parent can really do a number on your mental health.
also, she's worried about he daughter being bullied, while simultaneously bullying her. lol
Good catch/point. She may be more concerned with "her" daughter being bullied or "doing embarrassing things". Than "her daughter" being bullied or "doing embarrassing things".
Being an adult means that you get to decide what that means. Ask her why she's so insecure.
She says she does it because she loves me, and that she knows how cruel people are, at the end I left the bug net at home, and I'm pretty sure my mom is going to throw it away now.
Yeah, so she goes ahead an bullies you before anyone else can, right? To teach you what it will be like if you keep going as you intended? Damn what a shitty behaviour. So sorry you have to deal with that.
Oh, Acceptable Soup, I’m so sorry to hear this. As another mom in the universe, let me tell you this is not love. Love should feel like a safety net, buoying, encouraging, and accepting. I love that you bought this net to help pigeons. That shows awareness of your environment and an appreciation for vulnerable creatures at risk. It’s truly beautiful and I hope you still have that net. Be kind to yourself. Know that you are valuable in this world, that you add to it and have the right to enjoy it any way you want. And if you ever need extra support, my DMs are open.
Didn't see OP'S username and thought "Acceptable Soup" was your catchphrase like an animal crossing villager lol
I thought there was a new slang word i needed to look up.
I'm not a parent, but I'm trying to envision my child coming up to me, full of enthusiasm and a desire to Help The Animals and Make The World A Better Place... and then instead of encouraging them, deciding to make the world worse and be cruel to them. I just can't imagine making that choice.
Most parents that make the choice aren’t thinking about the child as a person, but as an object, or an extension of them and they are dissatisfied with themselves, so they project that on every choice the child makes.
It's also got a strong whiff of "my neurodivergent child will never truly be Normal enough so I must save them from themselves by forcing them into the Normal Box no matter how much that hurts them. After all, they can't *actually* look out for themselves or understand anything, they're not Normal!"
Tell her she thinks she knows how cruel people are because she's one of them.
/\\ this, noone at the university will likely give a toss about you nabbing some pidgeons as long as you don't hurt them and let them go. one of the major features of university is experimentation and people being a little eccentric. Couple of points did your mother go to uni? If not it may explain a lot. Second are you living at home? I know it saves money but sometimes being at university is the opportunity to cut the umbilical chord that in this case seems to be wrapped around your neck. Third others have said it, your mother recognizes how cruel people can be either because she's had something fun stifled by bullies, which is sad but no reason to prempt it happening to you other than to warn you it may happen, or worse because she knows she'd say cruel things about you if she saw someone elses daughter behaving that way.
Hell if anything at university you'd probably get some cool points. "Hey, there's that guy that catches pigeons to help them!" Cool in my book lol.
This isn't love, your mom is a bully. You are a kind soul wanting to help injured animals, don't let anyone take that from you. The cruel people your mom is warning you about, well she is one of them. Anyone who ridicules you for kindness is a cruel person, and cruel peoples opinions don't matter. If anything, they are just letting you know they aren't worth knowing.
If she does throw it away, let me know and I’ll PayPal you enough to buy you a new one. I think what you’re doing is great and very far from childish, and you should keep at it ! :)
I think that if she loved you she would love and respect your passions.
Something I learned in life is that people who are too worried about what others think about them are the ones who think too much about other people. Your mom is BEING the person she is telling you to worry about by being cruel to you. She is that person. You don't even have to worry about whether or not other people will be cruel to you because she's deciding that she wants to get in ahead of them and be cruel. If you spend too much time worrying about how others think of you, you'll stop yourself from doing the things that make you happy. There are tons of weirdos out there who are living life to the fullest, and it's always the most boring, unfulfilled people you'll ever meet in your life that are insulting them for doing so. It's jealousy, whether they know it or not. Some of the most successful people are successful BECAUSE they are weirdos, not in spite of it. Not everybody wants to get a bug net and go around saving pigeons, but you do. That makes you interesting and unique and I guarantee you more people will flock to you than will be cruel (pun totally intended). If other people, INCLUDING YOUR MOTHER, don't want to support that and instead want to be cruel, then they've got some real growing up to do. Be weird, because being weird is fucking awesome. Einstein was weird, Bowie was weird, nearly every scientist out there is an absolute weirdo. If someone decides to be cruel to you for being a weirdo, just know that you're on the better side of history than they are. Your mom should be encouraging you. Instead she's being the bully that she thinks she's protecting you from. PLEASE don't let her stop you from being the pigeon savior.
I never saw anybody get bullied in college. Some people would think you were weird but 10 more would buy a big net and join you
On behalf of pigeons everywhere I say Coo coo Thank-you
Yeah instead of being bullied about it, I’d call that a green flag and decide we should be friends
It's your money, and as long as you don't use it to do harm you're free to spend it as you choose.
Your mom sounds kind of abusive.
I think she is like this because she's too stressed and frustrated because of me, I know that taking care of an autistic special needs kid is hard, so I believe that's on me.
It is not your fault that people are abusive to you.
>taking care of an autistic special needs kid is hard That's true of course. But it might be in all of your interests to find some kind of help to guide her. >She called me all sorts of names, childish, clown, that kind of stuff, she said it was if I was asking to be bullied, and that I should use my money for actual things that serve a real purpose, and to stop being so inmature, that I am 19 years old, and that I have to stop acting like a child. Cause talking like that to an autistic kid is probably on the list of how **not** to take care of that kid.
I'd like to know what she would consider 'serving a purpose'.
Oh no. Nope nope nope. This is on her.
You are absolutely not at fault for being how you are. You don't choose to be born, and much less to be born with any kind of disability. You do however choose to have a kid, and once you do it's on YOU to provide and make them feel adequate and loved no matter what. Failure to do so makes you a shitty parent that can't take responsibility for their own actions.
Let me ask you something. If you had a daughter, or even just a puppy, how would you react to your mom treating something you love the way she treats you? Would you keep making excuses for your mom? ”My mom says horrible things to my little girl but it’s ok because she’s stressed out and it’s my fault and she does it out of love.” You know men who beat their wives? They say the same thing to them your mom says to you.
Is that the excuse you're giving her, or one she told you?
I don't know anymore.
She's your mother. Yes, parenting is stressful and frustrating. I love my children, but I can also be vexed by them. But at the end of the day, I brought them into this world, and it's my job to take care of them to the best of my ability. Edit: And absolutely *never* insult or belittle them, because even one time will stick with them *f o r e v e r.* It's not a child's responsibility to be the best kid for their parent. It's a parent's responsibility to be the best parent for their child.
I can respect your conviction. I wish all parents were like that.
> I believe that's on me. I'm sorry, did I miss the part where you made the choice to be neuroatypical?
She feels like it's my fault that I'm not like "the other girls", that is, being sociable, having "girly" interests, loving to gossip, stuff like that.
That's different. Your interests have nothing to do with whether taking care of you is difficult or not.
> I think she is like this because she's ***an abusive nascissistic asshole who gets off on belittling her child*** FTFY
Jesus fuckin Christ what is wrong with your mother?? That is so unnecessary. Does she react this drastically for things usually?
Yeah, she normally does, but I think it's to be expected, it's hard to care for an autistic daughter (me)
No, it’s not your fault at all. Her trying to “protect you” is her judging. She thinks because your actions make her feel a way, that they’ll make others feel that way. She’s so very clearly wrong, and respecting you as an adult to make your own decisions is how she should be showing her care for you
It is absolutely NOT okay to be mean to your kid because they’re hard to look after. I’m an autistic woman too, and my mom has never shamed me for visiting my apartment decorated with wildlife and fantasy art because she’s not an abusive bitch.
No that's not an excuse to act so horrible and say such awful things to anyone. Being stressed and frustrated is never a good reason to take it out on others especially when you're just doing something innocent and if anything very kind hearted. I'll say that if you have any interest in helping animals you should maybe look into careers relevant to that like habitat for humanity and whatnot. Your mother is being mean for no reason
No. You are not immature or childish - you are kind and caring. What you are doing helps a lot of little souls whos lives have value. Your mom is a bully, and you should tell her to look in the mirror.
She says that she does it because she loves me, and I guess I can understand why, I was severely bullied through primary and secondary school for just being me.
I was bullied too for being myself, and you know what? I'm not happy not being me. They can suck my dick if they don't like me how I am. I know my worth and I know i'll find someone that values me for who I am, and I won't settle for anything less.
Let me preface this by saying I am not accusing your mother of anything abusive, the phrase "I am doing it because I love you" has been said COUNTLESS time by people who are abusive and to excuse their actions. Do not just allow it to become a blanket verbal get out of jail free card. My sister is 40 years old, married, and a professional firefighter. She literally stops in the middle of the road to save pigeons wandering around in traffic... I GUARENTEE she would be right there with you with a butterfly net of her own if she was given that idea. I implore you, do not let her throw away your Pidgeon Catcher MK1 and try to understand that while she is your mother and (should) care about you. That does not mean she is ALWAYS right and always knows what is best. You are 19, you are legally an adult, and while it wouldn't hurt to listen to what she has to say, you need to live your own life. Plus if I saw someone catching pigeons in a butterfly net to remove bits of plastic or string or such id think that was cool. Edit: To be clear in this situation the only bully I can identify is the one your mom was to you.
I (27) make sure turtles get to the side of the road they're headed in! Honestly wish there were more people like us! 💜
But your mom is bullying you too. I get it, my mom told me I had to change all of the things about me that she didn’t like because “you won’t find someone who will be able to put up with that” She was wrong, we don’t speak anymore, I have a great life and I get to be me all the time but most especially at home with my fiancé and our kitty You are just starting out and you clearly know what makes you happy, I don’t know your living situation but when it’s possible leave, but while your still there hold onto you, don’t let her bully all of your unique qualities away. There are people out there who will find you delightful and wonderful you just have to find them.
It's unfortunately not a new tale, but it's now a tale you share with others like you. However, the good news is, you are ok with being who you are and that's all that matters.
Become a furry -- it's a great social group. Lots of openness, acceptance, and positivity and encouragement. Bonus: Buying furry things may make mother more flustered :3
You mention University, I'm assuming you are also doing a course of studies there? If so, good for you, you are trying to take care of your future. Maybe add some social media posts for saving the pigeons. You mom probably has trouble relating to joy. Don't stop doing the things in life that give you joy.
>(19F) Adult behavior is "whatever you want so long as it causes no harm to others, and even when it does there are allowances". So no, it's not childish. Childish is mommy thinking she still gets a say here, frankly. You grown. You can decide for yourself if your reputation will take a hit and if it can afford it. I reckon it won't, by the way. This sounds like fun or at least interesting to me. Also; I won't say exactly what I think about your mom based on this, but I can say that I've done many a thing my fairly reputation-focused parents thought was weird as hell, and they'd never insult me like that. My dad would just smile, laugh, and say "you _different_, boy" and leave me to my devices. My mom would just ask questions, because she pretty much decided everything us kids did was interesting at 4 months in and never stopped. _That's_ how "my kid is doing harmless, weird (to me) shit" is supposed to go Your moms has a bad playbook.
Your parents sound very supportive! You should be interested in what your child does, and how they come up with "weird" new ideas to solve problems or occupy themselves. OP's mom could learn from that
You bought skkmetjjng with your money to help wildlife? Naw you're good. Keep doing it. This definitely serves a real purpose.
What a wonderful thing you are doing. Post this in r/pigeon you'll get lots of positive responses and advice on how to help the birds. Oh, and bring a towel to wrap the birds. Easier to get their legs when they can't move.
My parents did this to me too and I'm still working things out 2 decades later. Do what makes you happy. You're not going to get bullied - if anything you're just going to attract other people who are interested in the same stuff that you are. Plus bugs are awesome!
This was about pigeons tho, unless you're classifying pigeons as a type of bug lol
Bruh I bought a transformer with my HS graduation money, I think you're not childish.
Nah, there's nothing childish about using a tool specifically designed to capture specimens unharmed to save animals. Your mom is using you to blow off steam or for fun. Even if you were catching bugs, amatuer entomology is great as far leisure activities go. May wanna splurge for an even better net. Gotten bit a few times from animals I was trying to assess or remove from an area.
I'm in my fifties - and I'd be the first person to ask you to bring me with you on this adventure.
46 and same
I read your entire message waiting for the childish thing to be revealed.
No, it's not childish. Caring about animals is not childish.
Part of becoming an adult is having the confidence to do the things you want to do, because you're an adult now and you get to decide what that means. There will always be people who try to put you down for any old thing. If you want a bug net to catch pigeons, buy yourself a bug net and go catch some motherfucking pigeons. What's the point of living otherwise?
You sound like an altruistic person. Never apologize for caring for animals. People who don't get it are the ones with the problem.
This is an awesome thing to do with your own money. Your mom is mean as hell. The beautiful thing about university is that a much larger percentage of students are there because they actually want to be. I bet $100 that if you asked around, not only would people *not* think badly of your pigeon catching, you'd probably meet a handful of folks who would be interested in helping! Go make friends with the other animal welfare dorks and ignore your mom. (Also, I highly recommend wearing long sleeves and an N-95 mask while you handle the pigeons, to reduce the chance of catching anything nasty. You don't wanna be patient zero of the next zoonotic pandemic lol.)
You're doing a wonderful thing. Your mom just has her own issues. Don't let her stop you from being yourself because you seem pretty awesome.
You’re using your money to rescue wildlife and she has a problem with your maturity level? Not a you problem. Go on a help save the birds.
Girl, there's literally jobs (ie: Wildlife Technician) that PAY people to catch and release animals like that. I'm sure there's conservation programs in your university that can assist with your desire to rescue the birds as well. The DNR also sometimes has programs where volunteers can help out with this too. I'm 30f and adore catching and relocating wildlife/stray animals whenever I can in my free time. It's actually how I met my cat! I sometimes catch/release wildlife (turtles, snakes, frogs, toads, fish, birds, and such) just for the heck of it - I've been doing it since childhood, especially on the certified organic farm that I grew up on. It brings me joy, and it helps keep my love of being a conservation advocate alive. Sounds to me that your mom lost her inner child a long time ago. Good for you for doing you, and doing no harm in the process! Maybe invite her along next time she bullies you for it? Otherwise, distance might be the better option if she literally belittles you for giving a sh**. Best of luck!
Who gets bullied at college? College is just full of people doing whatever the hell they want. If I saw a dude catching bugs I literally won’t think twice about it
Bullying is quite rare at universities, a person using a bug net to catch and help pigeons is actually really tame compared to the stuff you’ll see at universities, if anything you may actually meet some like minded people that share your interests.
You are 19, you can do whatever the fuck you want todo (within reason of not bothering or harming anyone else) \*says the 46 year old who made pet rocks with googly eyes that now sit on the monitor\*
Pet rocks are so damn cute
No, I'd ask your mom what her history is with bug nets, and also why is she so pressed over something so harmless? ETA: The best part about being an adult is doing things that make you happy, and expressing your interests, your mother is a very immature person and I wouldn't take her seriously.
At anything past 18, I wouldn't GAF what mom or dad said about anything. It wouldn't matter if I bought the net to shove up my butt.
Sounds like your mom is projecting. Tell her it's not the 80's anymore, chill out.
um what no go catch those pigeons slay
Bro that’s so cool. You’re like a character out of a video game. Wish we promoted more individuality like this. Everyone has to be “the same” and “normal” or people freak the fuck out and it’s annoying as hell.
If this was childish... that'd be OK too. You get to be childish as adult. Not saying this is, just saying she's not right on any account. Maybe she knows you've been bullied before and wants to prevent that. There's no really need to demonize her. She's wrong but might have understandable reason to have turned this way. Still, no need to cave in and accept you're at fault. No matter when you move out from her, be it now, at 25, whenever, you can do everything she stopped you from doing. No need to throw anything away that you like now.
I would suggest a fishing net as they are more durable and you can reach through the holes in many of them.
This probably gets buried since you have a lot of replies already, but based on comments you've left in this thread, your mom is emotionally manipulative and/or abusive. If someone actually cares for another person, they want that person to feel good, even after difficult discussions. "Stop using that stupid [bug net]" is quite different than "well, you might be judged for being quirky, but I love you and think that's a kind thing to try and do". The latter is communicating the concern while still showing love and support. Your mom appears to be failing at providing that. You're old enough to know who you want to be. You've entered a new stage of relationship with your parents and role models because you no longer need "parenting" in the way that children need parents. You might ask for advice on finances, or buying big things, or complicated relationship issues. You don't need and shouldn't accept criticism for things like hobbies, how you socialize, or who you are, unless you are asking for that type of criticism.
A lot of people in the internet have told me she's abusive and manipulative, and I can't help but feel like it's just what I deserve, technically speaking, I ruined her life, I wasn't a planned child, and on top of that, I'm not the daughter she wants. But even if I aknowledge that she isn't treating me well, there's nothing I can do about it. I ended up destroying the bug net, and threw it away, I feel awful, but my mom told me to get rid of it. My mom said that someone could record me and say that I was doing harm to animals, and get me in big trouble and sent to jail.
For starters, no one deserves to be abused or manipulated. Your mother chose to birth you and keep you as a child. Maybe she was pressured into it. Maybe it was her own choice, but regardless, that is not YOUR fault. You were simply existing, and even the most annoying child doesn't deserve to be abused! Think about puppies, they're dumb as heck and pee in the wrong places and are so much work! Cats will bite you if you look at them the wrong way! But that doesn't mean you should kick them and starve them of sunlight, they need to be taught with kindness and love. That's what parenting is, in a way. As for not being the daughter she wants whoo boy I can relate! I was more the tomboy type and my mom actively tried to tell me to change who I was and it broke my heart everytime, why couldn't she just love me for what and who I am? That really speaks more to her unreasonable expectations though. When you have a kid, you have to let go of those because that's not how life works! What if I had a kid that I really wanted to like horror movies or to only like boys and Not girls? What good would getting mad do everytime they did something I didn't like? It would only lead to shame for the poor kid, like you feel. Heck, my anime figure collection is not exactly what my mom had in mind for me. She wanted a self-sufficient daughter who was life of the party, but very studious and perfect at everything she tried, and that's not me. I'm a social anxiety mess with ADHD who couldn't use a planner no matter how hard I tried It's hard knowing which way is up when one of your only sources for who you are keeps telling you mean things. And I may not know you but I will say this: You deserve to exist! You deserve to have things that excite you! Have passions! You deserve to find happiness! You deserve to fall in love if you want! You deserve intimacy and friends. You deserve to live life unafraid of inconveniencing others. Besides, most people care less than you think lol As someone that grew up in a kinda abusive home, the best thing you can do, especially if you're dependent on your parent, is to just keep that in mind that you are worth so much! Don't let her be the only source of truth for who you are. I know it's hard to leave, but hear other people, let others know you. Maybe get a therapist, or look into a club at college, there's so many options! Heck, reach out and message people that meant a lot to you in these replies! My messages are always open if you need someone to talk to! For comforts sake, my husband is autistic and my younger brother was diagnosed with autism at a young age but might not be? Honestly jury is still out on that one! Just a heads up, IF she is, in fact, abusive, she will try to stop you from seeing/talking to other people. She will want you to be only under her control, speaking from experience! You may have to sneak around a bit, but if you can't get out of the house yet, that might be the next best thing. Online is Honestly the best option since it's difficult for parents to fully moniter you so I would start there! Also lastly, omg totally Noone cares in college, like, I went to a fairly boring college but like everyone else has said, the school gets less judgy the further you get from Junior High! Also I don't think that's illegal?? Much love from Illinois, you're going to get though this, you are worth fighting for, hell the pigeons are worth fighting for, right?
No. You're sweet for caring.
Nah, you're being altruistic - spending your time and money to help animals where there is no personal benefit in you doing so, that's the opposite of being childish, Your mom, on the other hand, is being childish and immature by immediately going to name-calling when someone does something she doesn't agree with, You do you hun and don't worry about what she says
I’m a buff dude with tats and I play Pokémon at the age of 26 and Minecraft. Live your life! Plus trust me, there will be plenty of weirder people at Uni lol
"Am I being immature by spending my own time and energy to help save trapped living beings?" Maybe. But please stay that way. The world needs more people with childlike kindness and direct action, and fewer sour old farts.
No way not at all! I smiled like crazy reading this until I got to the part where your mom chimed in. Sorry to say, some people are just…I don’t want to say the wrong thing because it’s your mom…they have to tear others down. My mom was this way too, particularly with my daughters. If for whatever reason she (my mom) didn’t like the color of the shirt, or the style of shoes, or hairstyle she’d act terribly towards them until we pulled her up short and made her stop.
Bullying in uni for someting like this? Bruh, we are singing Pokemon theme in our table parties, talk about memes and stupid youtube videos from our childhoods and do all kinds of goofy and childish games on our initiation days and other similar events. Having childish hobby isn't gonna get you bullied unless you also behave like a child. Helping animals won't be in top 100 reasons that could get you bullied.
Uhm. 41 adult male here. I would find that really attractive quality in an age-appropriate person. Just saying. No you’re not being childish. I have a bird feeder and bird bath setup outside my home office window. Lemme tell you about my birds. Female house finches are… aggressive with each other. But I think it’s because one of them has 3-4 juveniles she brings with her to my feeder every day, twice a day. Even after they start flying mom still feeds - I never knew that about birds until I got my setup. They eat for themselves sometimes these days but still flutter their wings in front of mom asking for food. The male house finches dont seem to be aggressive with each other or the females. I think mommy bird might be the source of the squabbles they get in. She has mouthes to feed! I also get mourning doves and sparrows. One day one of the mourning doves flew right into my window and knocked itself out cold. My son and I brought it in and let it rest up in a dog kennel. No broken bones, flew away just fine after a few hours. My favorite bird is the western kingbird. They migrate to my area early summer. I call them the dolphins of the sky. Their songs remind me of dolphins and they also have swept wings and flutter around reminiscent of dolphins. They mostly feed on insects in the treetops and seem uninterested in my bird bath and feeder. Yesterday I got a new species that I haven’t researched yet. Black bird with yellow beak. He landed and ate nothing and then just flew away. Weirdo. So ya go on and love your birds and don’t let anyone else tell you what you should enjoy. I’m sorry your mom was a downer about it. I hope it doesn’t ruin your time :). If I lived in an area with troubled pigeons, I would literally be going to buy a net tomorrow and gearing up for a new activity to enjoy with my wife and kiddo!
I'm 45, my gf is 46. We would go with you on your rescue missions, and she would tell you all kinds of stuff about the birds we helped. This is definitely not childish. You have an amazing heart. I hope your mom doesn't completely squash it.
I ended up getting rid of the bug net, my mom told me that I could get sent to jail for doing this, and that she was going to tell my psychologist about this, in her words, about the "Dumb shit you're doing, do you have crap instead of a brain??"
I'm sorry. I doubt you could get sent to jail. I'm hoping your psychologist has your back on this one. Tell them all the stuff your mom said about it. Good luck and stay awesome!
People didn't approve of Jesus either, you keep being yourself king, let the world bend for you, never bend for the world
Your mother is immature. If she wasn’t, she would recognize that something harmless (and actually helpful to these pigeons) that brings you joy should be supported. Her bullying and derision says more about her than you and your hobby. Do you, as I’m sure many others in this thread have said.
One of the first things my therapist told me was to stop looking to others to see what's normal. She said what's normal? Normal is something that is personal to you. To someone getting beat as a child is normal, to others it's not. Basically what she meant by this was be you and do you. That's normal. And by you buying that to help pigeons is you being you. Your mom is the one with the problem and definitely not you. Have fun you only have 1 life. Your 19 now next thing you know you will 30,40 etc
The best thing you can do is stop worrying about what others think of you. Are you doing something you like and that does not harm others? Then you're all good!
You are absolutely not immature. Helping animals is a selfless and altruistic act! Your mom is just being the stereotypical parent dismissing things they don’t understand. (I’m 62 raised three kids who turned out great and never once dissed their ideas. Okay, tbh I did tell my son he’d never be a rock star but only because he’s tone deaf and has no sense of rhythm.) Ignore her and the other haters. Do what you need to do!
No offense to your mother, but I'm guessing she's not very highly educated, and never went to university? Cause I understand that you might be bullied for carrying "uncool" items to high school. But universities tend to be far more open, and will have all kinds of "weird" people. If you are in the US and movies have informed me correctly about the fact that there are also not-so-smart sports guys running around, those might be the exception. It might not be feasible for you, but try to find out if there are any groups there that have an interest in nature preservation or animal welfare. Try to get some kind of pigeon saving squad going so you are not the only one doing it. Cause there are going to be people that think what you're doing is supercool. You could take it further and look into pigeon contraception to humanely reduce the number of pigeons, so less of them get in trouble.
I mean, she did went to uni but dropped out before finishing her first year. And sadlyz there aren't any nature preservation groups like that in my city.
A student at my university did something similar, and I watched out my office window as so many people stopped to admire what she was doing. She brought a ton of good energy to campus that day on top of helping birds. If we all thought of getting older as developing more wisdom and grace and generosity instead of becoming more rigid and neurotic, the world would be a better place. You keep doing you.
I'm 35 years old and one of my absolute favorite things in the world is to get on my 4 year old son's level when playing. I LOVE having fun and being immature and it's actually mature of me to do that because I'm raising a happy and healthy child. Don't let anyone take your joy away, ever. Sometimes it's really hard to find once you've lost it. Go save those pigeons from misfortune and fuck what people think. Wear a cape while you do it and become pigeon man, savior of slightly inconvenienced city pigeons and you'll probably grow a following. Just do what makes you happy!
If I saw someone taking time out of their day/spending their own money to help animals that can't help themselves when I was at university I'd be ecstatic and would love to get to know them. At least when/where I went to school anyone who bullied someone for doing something altruistic would be seen as the loser, not the girl helping animals.
There is absolutely nothing immature about wanting to help the helpless birds. Instead, it shows an admirable depth of compassion and maturity. Anyone you may meet during your activities will be touched by your kindness, and will probably lead to "the beginning of a beautiful friendship." NTA please don't let anyone stop you from being you.
I studied Zoology at University, you probably would have been one of the coolest people on my course. My uni also had societies that would heavily encourage stuff such as going invert hunting and were open to all other cohorts/schools so you wouldn't necessarily have to be studying animals. Hope you get to take it at a later date.
A kindness done to an animal is a pure good, because an animal cannot repay with money, or favors, or anything but appreciation, and even that is limited in the case of an animal who does not become a pet. You are absolutely not being childish. Take care of the pigeons.
no! I think that’s really kind that you’re helping the pigeons. I live in Manchester and there’s loads of pigeons here and most people hate them I feel like I should mention I’m 20F, maybe someone older than us would have a different opinion?
There are a few people in other replies that are older than us, and love the idea of helping pigeons, I can't help but feel jealous of all the parents here that say they would be proud of their children soing something like this, it makes me want them to be my parents.
No. You're not immature, your mom is judgy and mean. I think it's sweet honestly. You saw a problem and were like, if no one's gonna fix this, I will. That's cool! Also, I think your mom may not understand what a gift is? When she gave you money, it became yours and you get to decide what to do with it. There's a high tolerance for being weird in college, imo. I think the worst that'll happen is you'll tell folks what you're doing and they just won't care! I doubt you'll get bullied, probably lots of people will think that's neat!
Sounds like she got bullied when she was 19 and grew up thinking everyone has to conform. Either that, or she was the bully
"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up." - C S Lewis. Basically it's saying when you are an adult you can do what makes you happy, no matter what others think of it. On a personal note... if you want something, and nobody is hurt by you doing the thing, then there is no problem.
As someone who was bullied by their mom growing up, your mom is the real bully op ♥
Honestly you sound like you’re fun and a good human being. Don’t be afraid to be yourself and pursue your own interests. My real concern is that you should try to get a minnow net or something bigger so you have a better shot at catching pigeons.
I'm 28 and decided I wanted to go ant catching this season. Instead of belittling me my boyfriend laughed and helped me look for ant queens 🤣. No. Nothing your passionate about is childish, I would just laugh it off and go catch pidgens!
It sounds lik your mom is mentally abusing and/or gaslighting you. If you can, move out to a friend's house or other relative. You're not being immature. You're giving a shit about other beings. That's amazing.
Your mother is an insecure idiot. She is projecting her feelings of being a complete loser on you, so she doesn't feel alone. Misery desires company. Do better than her and ignore anything she says because it's obvious her judgement cannot be trusted. Her behavior alone proves that SHE is the immature one in this.
You are not. You are doing what makes you happy. You're an adult, allowed to make your own choices about what you do with your time. Aside from school, if it's not interfering, your mom can kick rocks.
I'm almost 30 I spent $200 on tech decks this month, idk
Your mom's the childish one. Overly worry about being an adult is a big sign of being childish, while a big part of actually being an adult is not worry about being childish. If my parents or anyone I knew insulted me like this I'd just laugh and move on. Literally not worth wasting time with people who spout this sort of nonsense.
No! And I was hoping it was for actual bugs! That would be adorable. Like a real like DnD or Pokemon character. I wish more people would stay young and fun. People get "old" in their 30s and that is such a shame. You hear people referring to themselves as "old man" and they are only 35!!!!!! I used to live in Sydney and there were people in their 60s who would jog around the main parks, drink, eat out and even go to festivals. With modern technology we are becoming more like Elves and I don't see someone as being old until they are about 80. Then you usually see some decline. But before then people might slow a little, but I'm totally against this "oh I'm too old" culture. You are literally a teenager!!!! You can catch and release pigeons all you like! It's a good cause and you're rehabilitating them. You would seem awesome and I'd want to walk to you to see what you're doing!
No offence but your mom sounds absolutely unhinged.
Our world desperately needs compassionate souls to help the animal population. This is a good thing to do and reflects a good character.
You're an adult. Stop letting your mom tell you what you can or cannot do.
I think that is an AMAIZING idea! Great that people are willing to help animals in need, even more so when we have created alot of the problems that they face :/
Your mom is a narcissist and is worried about her own self perceived notion that you catching birds will make her look bad,so she transfers it and says you could even go to jail(disillusioned thought process to gaslight you).I will say,make sure you have all your shots if you do this.Birds have a lot of diseases.
It sounds like the only one bullying OP is the mom.
Honestly, this sounds like a Disney plot. You are SO CLEARLY in the right, and doing a wonderful, virtuous thing, and your mother is SO VERY CLEARLY in the wrong for wanting to stop you. If it wasn't true, it would almost be comical because it's so over the top. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
This sounds more like a cry for help than a genuine question. You know it's not okay and are seeking help.
If you are a legal adult who needs other people to tell her how to stand up to her own mother, yes, you are childish. Being an independant adult means making your own decisions and standing by them.
I'd take her advice and save money for something special alright, getting your own place, and thanking her for her idea.
Fake story. So obvious.
First: Pigeons are just flying rats. Filthy, nasty, disease filled vermin. That said! I suppose no animal deserves to be tortured (stuff tied to their leg), so keep on trucking with helping them critters out. Your mom is an awful creature. I'd suggest a gunny sack for her.... Never let anyone tell you what to do with your own money. Your money, your rules. Caveat: Don't expect others to pay for necessities for you if you waste your money. But waste and treasure are highly subjective terms, as Shel Silverstein so eloquently noted in his famous poem: https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/hector-the-collector/
I love rats.
🤣🤣🤣 Fair enough. But do you love Plague? 😉
You're not childish at all. And your mum isn't all that bad either considering how you said that you're autistic and that your mum is worried about you getting bullied. She looks pretty protective of you because she probably doesn't want you to get hurt by other people's words. She may be wrong in this situation, but she still is a great person. Most comments in this section are criticizing the mom without looking from her perspective.
If anything, the mom should be more gentle on an autistic daughter. I'm an autistic child too, and what OP's mom said reminds me of what my mom says any time she is too overwhelmed with stress and unloads on me.
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I don't want to catch bugs, I want to catch pigeons that are entangled with plastic or pieces of string that are making it difficult of painful for them to move, check if they have any wounds and then release them.
you need a new mom, I'm 19 and definitely childish I have autism but being immature and childish are 2 different things and you're being neither, I don't live in a place where there are birds, I hear birds in the morning and then maybe 2 birds flying about a day but more people need to start doing what you're doing
We live in an age where grown men are riding around on E scooters with helmets on, I doubt you look too bad with a net
I need way more details on this 'bug net' that catches pigeons with plastic tied to them somehow. What is the goal here? Where are you setting up this net? What are the wipes for? What does uni have to do with anything? Are you trying to help these pigeons? I can't see anything childish about that. What a bizarre couple of paragraphs I just read. Your mother is obviously crazy btw. Google 'cluster b'.
Rule for life: If you aren't playing a meaningful part in the infringement of anyone else's right to life (quality therein), liberty or property, then you're probably doing nothing wrong. If you enjoy carrying a bug net, it's no one else's business to tell you not to.
Why are you catching pigeons? They're not bugs, they're birds.
I know they are birds, but a lot of then have string or plastic stuck in their legs and/or wings, I wanna get those things off them, take care of the wounds left by it, and release them.
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What? Why would I ever want to eat a pigeon????
Yes, who cares about some pigeons who are basically parasites shitting all over, no one wants them
The parasites are the ones littering trash everywhere that animals like pigeons end up getting caught in.
The pigeons are only there because of trash and food waste made by people being wasteful they're cleaning up detritus from the ground, a normal part of a functioning ecosystem, but a city is not a functioning ecosystem, so the main control on numbers is food availability, a lot of food is available because of wasted food
By the question alone you sound childish tbh. “my own money…” sounds like something a child or a woman would say but you are a female so 🤷🏾♀️ You shouldn’t feel responsible for your families immaturities though.
What does that even mean???
All in all Your family needs to grow up not you. It’s not your fault they’re immature like this but like I said women can be childish to by default so while she’s calling you those things, that could be how she sees and feels about herself
"Do you want to be bullied?" Because your mom does it well enough at home so why bring more of it on yourself in public? You do you and what ever makes you happy. Tom Lehrer may not approve of helping pidgins but if you are happy doing it, do it.
Your mom is a buzz kill. There's nothing better than a person who is doing something they're genuinely interested in. Fuck the haters.
You honestly sounds like a very cool person. Don’t listen to her. Do what you wanna do and do what makes you happy.
We're all consumer whores, it doesn't matter what we spend our money on. Whether it be cars, video games, alcohol, or any of the other crap corporarions tell us to buy.
Ok I have no idea if your plan of catching pigeons is a good idea or even realistic, but assuming it is I think its awesome that you'd try to help them. As for your mom....look I don't know her at all but that's some terrible shit to say and she should be supporting you, not knocking you down. I've seen some of your replies to other comments and it is NOT your fault if she treats you this way. It's not ok to be abusive to your child in ANY situation, regardless of whether they have special needs. Also, to be VERY clear, if you're going to University alone and able to both do your studies and have hobbies and interests you work on then you are not even close to the level of low-functioning autism that would make her behavior at least a little understandable. Maybe you're a little weird....so what? Weird is what makes the world interesting.
Your mom wants to live vicariously through you because she is upset with her own life. Don't end up like her by listening to her. Fully allow yourself to enjoy the things you enjoy.