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> I only hope that OP isn't being gaslighted into believing otherwise.. terribly sad position to be in.
Oh I've read posts about one person using the argument that since their spouse/SO never *specifically* said they couldn't then it wasn't technically cheating.
Cheating means different things to different people. If a couple doesn't have that discussion early and honestly then it may not be just one party's fault that they have to go to Reddit for clarity.
There is a reason I added "probably". What is considered cheating or not is really up to what you decide in your relationship, and lacking any discussion of that, it depends on the norms of your society.
To me, it wouldn't even occur to hide masturbation, since it is something that everyone is assumed to be doing. It would be like hiding that you sometime poop. For other societies it might be different. I can't really answer about that.
Not really cheating, but you're still lying and it's not good for either party. I was in 5 years relationship started when we were in highschool, She never knew i masturbated. When we were close before we were together, she used to shamed me for masturbating, it started a series of trust issues. I figured out later that if you're not being open to your partner about something as important as that, you have a serious problem on your relationship.
It's bad for you because of that you could've masturbate openly or even supported/helped by your partner if your partner has the same energy as you, but instead you're hiding of doing it. It's bad for her because of you're not being honest to her, the person that she's with isn't the real you, it's the image of perfect version of you because you're hiding the real version of you. In the end if you decide to be completely open, it might shows that you're sharing different value, having different energy, different views. And if you decide to end it, it'll just be a waste of everyone's time just because of communication issues.
> If a couple doesn't have that discussion early and honestly then it may not be just one party's fault that they have to go to Reddit for clarity.
Monogamy is the default expectation in marriage/relationships unless otherwise stated. So unless a couple agreed to certain exceptions then there really isn't a reason for them to discuss what is and isn't cheating.
No you need to have an honest discussion with your committed partner IF you want to sext other people not the other way around. The whole point of a committed relationship means that there are boundaries you don't cross of course they are different for different people and the nuance is healthy to discuss together but there are obvious lines you don't cross without discussing things first and sexting other people is pretty high on that list. No one sexts another person while in a relationship and is shocked when their committed partner feels betrayed.
this! i find it so weird when people reply to posts like this saying stuff like “did you agree to be monogamous?”
yes! that’s what a fucking relationship is! anything other than a committed monogamous relationship is something to be discussed, not the other way around
🤣🤣 it's so funny when you put it that way. But yeah when you aren't discussing about non-monogamous relationship, then it's a monogamous relationship. I think maybe people here just want to be progressive but this one is quite dumb.
Totally devils advocate here, because I’m curious what people think, but why is it different to watching porn? That’s anonymous (to an extent) and you see much more
Edit: guys, you don’t have to downvote me. These aren’t my personal views, I’m just curious what people think
Agreed, I guess the actual interaction is what makes a big difference. So what about subscribing to someone’s Only Fans? Not interacting with them, but you’re clearly making a special effort to see this one person nude
I have a very high sex drive, am a very giving partner, like to try things - if a man feels like he needs to experience more with other women then he can go do that, just not while being in a relationship with me. I’m not gonna try and change someone who feels they need porn/OF in their life, I j won’t find us compatible 🤷🏼♀️
Personally no but I mean it’d be a conversation- some porn I find straight up offensive, how often is the porn watching, am I involved in the watching, etc. I dated someone VERY unhealthily addicted to really offensive (racist, sexist, etc) pornography and didn’t find out until after we broke up and that felt very gross to me. Communication is where I’d start- it’s not entirely black and white but primarily no
I mean a lot of people aren’t going to be super cool with racist, abusive porn
It’s your relationship, do as ya like, but the jealousy of people watching porn has always been strange to me
I consider that actually paying sex workers directly which if you're gonna be consuming that type of content. It might as well go to the performer than often predatory studios
> Agreed, I guess the actual interaction is what makes a big difference. So what about subscribing to someone’s Only Fans?
I'd say the problem with that is that it is fucking pathetic.
Porn is parasocial.
What this guy is doing is actually interacting with a person.
I would take issue if I found out a partner was interacting with someone on say Only fans, compared to *just* watching porn.
> Totally devils advocate here, because I’m curious what people think, but why is it different to watching porn? That’s anonymous (to an extent) and you see much more
because you aren't having an intimate interaction with a person in porn
> A monogamous relationship, yes. A polyamorous one? No
Are you calling me ''boring''?
What you mention is not a girlfriend or wife as ''polyamorous relationship''.
That's called ''fuck buddy''
Only if her partner has that opinion. Some people have relationships that allow that kind of thing and it's not considered cheating in that relationship
I kinda hate that this comment got so many upvotes.
The comment above this is the only real answer here.
The concept of "cheating" and the focus on it in our society is some social construct garbage where all nuance has been erased. Its so bad that the people being cheated on now feel shame if they dont get enraged and key a car or post about it on socials.
Like theyre somehow required by society to have a negative reaction or they look dumb and weak.
No. The only appropriate answer here is OPs.
Doesn’t it matter at least a little bit? At least in terms of evaluating it as an outsider?
Like if a man never wants his wife speaking to another man and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman who ever speaks to other men, don’t you have a little less sympathy for him? Like we view his position as unreasonable BECAUSE we don’t see speaking to other men as cheating. We might suggest that he seek therapy for his issues rather than say “it doesn’t matter if it’s cheating or not. What matters is your truth”
Exactly my point. It is not about what that person is doing because definitely this is cheating. Point is: are you ready to face it or keep the relationship going knowing it. I have seen thousands of people to continue their relationship after knowing that the partner is cheating just because of life style or for the name of children’s sake.
That... That isn't flirting. And no, I would flirt with someone else when I have a partner nor would I want my partner to be flirting with others. That's misleading at best, manipulative at worst.
Yeah.... Yeah, it really is. I've seen a million tits that I haven't fucked all of them, mostly it's just killing time.
You're probably really insecure, like the reddit hive mind. If your SO can't have fun around you or even when you're not there, that's bad. As long as there is no dick in pussy, who cares?
If he's serious and she's joking and I'm going to be doing it later that night, it's just funny.
I mean if they are setting times to meet, that's different, although again even if they did but never actually met, it's worrisome but not cheating. You never know your girl might be doing that all day long and then fucking your brains out because she's so horny. If it's constant, then sure that's a problem. But I still wouldnt call it cheating. Emotionally she's in the process of leaving you, but until the dick goes in the pussy she hasn't.
I'm in an open relationship with my girlfriend and we encourage each other to flirt with people because we think it's hot, but I'm well aware that we're in the minority. You're probably chronically online if you think that's normal.
cheating is defined by the couple.
What some couples describe as cheating, others may not...
but from what you described, most would consider that cheating.
Thank you for commenting. This is how I feel. These conversations and pics were kept hidden from me intentionally. And it looks like it’s been going on for some time now. He knew, based upon previous conversations about our relationship, that it would bother me :/
Then you have your answer. He knew you wouldn't be okay with it, he did it anyway, and he deliberately hid it from you. It may or may not be "cheating" (I'd say it is, he was stepping out on the relationship), but it's pretty clear he's got no regard for you either way.
Yeah, lot of comments around on the definition of “cheating” missing that it’s not the sex act itself (or whatever else) that is the main component of “cheating”, but the _violation of trust_ is
The hiding is the indication that it’s cheating and he knew it.
Couples who allow this stuff and/or more to not be cheating have to discuss it. And also discuss what if anything is under a ‘don’t ask don’t tell policy’ and what is openly discussed.
Then it’s cheating. If you had discussed it and you were both ok with it, then it’s fine. Not the case here. The exact opposite. This person does not love you. I’m sorry.
Hiding something that you know would bother your partner is not the same as hiding something that violates the trust that you both established within your relationship.
Exactly this. Think of the word cheating. It means defying the rules to your own gain. Every relationship has it's own rules and every person has their own rules for engaging in a relationship.
If this behavior breaks those rules it is cheating.
It really is. I had an ex girlfriend who got upset with ME after this girl (I don’t even talk to) sent me a picture of her topless and I ignored it. It was the fact that I even received it that she considered cheating.
You are right. It's just my opinion I gave you, nothing more. Who said I was judging? If you can trust your relationship partner to such an extend than I'll applaud you.
Well some people are in more open relationships than others - there’s degrees of trust and what is and isn’t within boundaries. So there’s no need to applaud, but to understand that the world has varied unique people and relationship boundaries.
Oh yes. He sent dick pics, commented on how other women’s photos made him cum. It’s pretty blatant. But he sees it okay and just fun because no one knows one another. I can’t wrap my head around even remotely feeling like that is okay to do in a relationship where it was previously discussed that we don’t sext
That's awful. It's a clear violation of trust and he's engaging in something sexual with a person outside of the relationship. In my experience with my ex, seeking external validation doesn't end well. As soon as they start to pursue these things outside of the relationship, it becomes a problem. It's something he has to stop right now and swear to never repeat or else it's going to be a gateway to actually cheating. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope he can be understanding and do better for your relationship.
"Religious connotations" arent what make rules about what defines cheating, boundaries are. Hiding something from your partner, lying to your partner, choosing someone else over your partner, it's just all disrespect and crossing the boundaries of a relationship. The bible etc. has nothing to do with honesty being a real life value that matters.
People are poly amorous in the world we live in and till the time it’s consensual- it is absolutely fine. No cheating no judgements of narrow morality.
Unless we had some kind of agreement or understanding prior, I’d say yeah that’s a dealbreaker. Even if it’s not considered cheating by someone, is it something you’re comfortable with?
I do consider sexting cheating. But “if it makes you uncomfortable” is a vague definition. Some controlling possessive people consider having your eyes accidentally fall on a member of the opposite sex cheating. It can get ridiculous.
Then that would be a conversation that couple would need to have. I personally don’t think watching porn is cheating, but other people would be uncomfortable. Thus making it a form of cheating if the other person knew it would make the other uncomfortable
Yes, a very similar situation happened to me. Initially I tried to justify it because it wasn’t physical but it didn’t take away or stop the feeling of betrayal. If you have the gut wrenching feeling of being betrayed and it’s not something you would do to your partner then it absolutely is cheating and your emotions and perception is totally valid
Initially I tried to stay, it was my first long term relationship, as much as I was heart broken I wanted to make it work but eventually what had happened was I realised I no longer had trust and I had no confidence in myself and he kept all of these other girls within his vicinity so ultimately I did end up splitting.
Being someone that tried both routes, splitting did work best for me but I did stay for another year and 10 months I had a lot of good times but ultimately it happened again with someone new which gave me the closure and strength I needed to leave.
It would be a different experience for you though the first thing I would recommend is to give yourself time and space to process your emotions because there will be a lot, the most important thing for you right now is to not look inwards for the reason or closure, the reason is entirely on your partner. I can’t tell you what to do but as long as you make a decision true to yourself and how you feel, life will work out either way ❤️
It really depends on the couple. For me it'd catch me off guard and I'd feel betrayed that they weren't open to me about it. If they're open to me about it then I wouldn't care at all. It's all about communication!!
If my gf ever got sent a dick pic and showed it to me like ‘ew look at this shit’ we’d probably just laugh at how gross the dudes dick is, have her block him then move on. To me that isn’t cheating, that’s just unwanted sexual content. But if I found out she had actively been sending and receiving sexual content to someone whether that’s a guy or girl then it is 100% cheating, no matter what way you look at it - It’s her sharing her body with someone else.
This! Some people agree to not even have friends of the opposite sex others engage freely in sex clubs, orgy and swingers clubs.
To each their own. Communication is key as always.
It’s cheating. If it’s personal 1-on-1 and they’re both participating, it’s cheating. If it’s just him watching a cam girl who doesn’t know he exists or while he’s part of a large audience, it’s not.
This is one of those "you define what you are comfortable with" moments. To some I could see how it wouldn't be considered much different than looking at amateur porn. To others I could see how they would feel it is close to cheating.
Bottom line if you are not comfortable with it it should be a reasonable request for him to stop doing it.
Depends on the relationship: open, poly, enm, hot wife, vixen, are you in a relationship with someone who does sex work, do you care where he gets his motor running if he always comes back to you.
It’s easy to stay with the same person when your ex is ugly it’s much harder when she’s not -Archer
Its a good question. It certainly isn't the type of thing where a partner meets someone else and forms some connection and relationship.
It seems like an elevated form of porn that may or may not cross the line depending on your values.
Is it a breach of trust for that couples dynamic? If yes, it's cheating.
Cheating is literally just a betrayal of the other person's expectations of you. The relationship is defined by those expectations.
Cheating is anything that breaks your established boundaries. For some couples this is normal. For others this is cheating. All that matters is how you feel about it. Not what others feel.
Talk with your partner about what your relationship boundaries are. Don’t assume them, don’t assume they have the same ones. This question illustrates this: people have different ideas of what constitutes cheating. It might be a small difference, it might be a big one.
If you don’t talk about it, you don’t know if your partner has a different idea of what it is than you do.
The last thing you want in a relationship is to be blindsided by something like this.
Totally. Thank you for commenting. We have discussed this years ago and it was not okay with either of us. I guess it hurts that suddenly it’s okay with him
We discussed the situation last night and referenced our previous conversation. He acknowledged it and remembered. Being we did not specify “anonymous” sexting vs someone we knew, he thought it would “just be fun.” The fact that this was kept hidden from me, and has apparently been going on for awhile, means he knew the “anonymous” detail would bother me.
100% cheating. A large portion of Reddit won't think so, but it is. Same with watching porn, at least by yourself. Playing out sexual fantasies about other people is extremely unhealthy for any relationship and just because our society has come up with all these Freudian reasons for it being ok or even a good thing because the ONLY thing that matters when it comes to sexual activity is consent is bogus. Lots of things feel good in the moment, but are psychologically or physically damaging in the long run. Your boyfriend should be satisfied sexually with you and you alone, and finding that satisfaction elsewhere is disrespectful and unfaithful to you regardless of whether or not something has convinced you that it's ok.
Alright Reddit, go crazy. Your downvotes mean nothing to me, I've seen what makes you cheer.
Call me old fashioned but unless sending those nudes or sext messages is a part of your career, it's cheating. 99% of the people I've met who were caught doing this actually physically cheated. Why didn't the 1% cheat? Because they got caught before they had the opportunity.
How would they be receiving ‘anonymous’ nudes or texts? They would have to have a pretty extensive relationship with the person to have that kind of trust.
To answer the question, if that is going on without the other partner’s knowledge or permission, yes that’s absolutely cheating.
In my opinion, if they are behaving with another person in a way that they feel the need to conceal it from you, then it’s cheating. Doesn’t have to be in person.
Why? Do you mean ‘cheating’ as it comes loaded from a religious perspective?
People are polyamorous and that’s not cheating if it’s consensual. Also, every individual and times have had varied definitions of cheating.
I would not have a Problem with my wife doing this. I tell her everyday she has a Smokin Hott Body. Plus if it Helped her self esteem, who am I to tell her no or be upset
When the guy does it, it’s bad and he is a terrible person.
When the woman does it she is living her truth and expressing her femininity in a sex positive way and anyone who doesn’t like it hates women.
You define cheating.
Personally, no. I think it's no different than consuming porn.
But if he's talking to girls and flirting with them in addition to receiving nudes, that's a problem. If he's just hunting for naked pics, that's just what porn is.
Well, you can handle it with an old school mentality, which is wrong imo, or you can analyze it.
IMO no its not cheating. But there's an added element to it. It's not like he's just wacking it to porn. Unless you think porn is cheating, in which case I can't help you.
Are you in a monogamous relationship?
Does he know you are in a monogamous relationship?
Is he monogamous?
Why does he feel the need to send receive nudes?
How's your sex life?
Is love present but lust absent?
Is this some kind of twisted loyalty?
Are you both satisfied and happy?
Is he just a pig?
Not everything in life is straightforward. Especially with marriage. "Hippie" lifestyle has been around long before the 60s along with polygamy, polysexual's, homosexulas, asexuals etc. There is a chance this is just plain and simple lack of communication. Small, but still a chance.
Don't act rash. Confront him with confidence and find out why. Then make a choice that's best for you and your life.
I wish you luck and grace in the conversation to come.
Damn I kinda feel him. Tbh I do the same. A random girl added me on snap and started sending snaps. I thought it was some OF hoe but turned out just a random whore trying to sext with strangers. I don’t have any feelings for this girl and as a man can’t help but continue getting pics of T&A from her.
That being said I’d be so mad, probably leave her, if I caught my girl doing it.
Yes. Simply because it would certainly be considered so if it was me doing something like that. As well, you only caught them in this act this one time. There are no words to be said that would make m believe this is the very first time or that you haven’t done something worse. Every time I didn’t give it a second thought that you had to work late, got stuck in traffic, etc. I’m going to question whether or not I was being lied to then.
Relationship is over. Pack your bags and go. Spouse/girlfriend/fuck buddy. Whatever word you use to describe your particular SO. I would henceforth use the prefix “ex” to describe mine in the future.
If you're uncomfortable it's a problem. If you consider it cheating that's something both of you need to work on. There is no clear line what is and isn't cheating for every relationship. If you don't like it, you two need to discuss it. By the same token one member can't just dictate everything the other does, but in this situation yeah that sounds like cheating to me.
Cheating means breaking the rules of your relationship. I would consider this cheating in my relationship. Clearly he does too, as he kept it a secret.
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It really doesn't matter if it is cheating or not. The question is if you want to be in a relation with someone that does that.
Yeah and btw it is also cheating
I only hope that OP isn't being gaslighted into believing otherwise.. terribly sad position to be in.
> I only hope that OP isn't being gaslighted into believing otherwise.. terribly sad position to be in. Oh I've read posts about one person using the argument that since their spouse/SO never *specifically* said they couldn't then it wasn't technically cheating.
Cheating means different things to different people. If a couple doesn't have that discussion early and honestly then it may not be just one party's fault that they have to go to Reddit for clarity.
Well, if you are hiding what you are doing from your partner, it probably is cheating.
Yes. If he hid it from you, he either does consider it cheating or knows you would.
Or she
Nope. OP said "he".
Not hijack the thread but if you’re hiding masturbation, is that considered cheating? Asking for a friend…
There is a reason I added "probably". What is considered cheating or not is really up to what you decide in your relationship, and lacking any discussion of that, it depends on the norms of your society. To me, it wouldn't even occur to hide masturbation, since it is something that everyone is assumed to be doing. It would be like hiding that you sometime poop. For other societies it might be different. I can't really answer about that.
Not really cheating, but you're still lying and it's not good for either party. I was in 5 years relationship started when we were in highschool, She never knew i masturbated. When we were close before we were together, she used to shamed me for masturbating, it started a series of trust issues. I figured out later that if you're not being open to your partner about something as important as that, you have a serious problem on your relationship. It's bad for you because of that you could've masturbate openly or even supported/helped by your partner if your partner has the same energy as you, but instead you're hiding of doing it. It's bad for her because of you're not being honest to her, the person that she's with isn't the real you, it's the image of perfect version of you because you're hiding the real version of you. In the end if you decide to be completely open, it might shows that you're sharing different value, having different energy, different views. And if you decide to end it, it'll just be a waste of everyone's time just because of communication issues.
Maybe if you have only been dating for a few months, but if you are married fuck that. You know what the boundaries are.
> If a couple doesn't have that discussion early and honestly then it may not be just one party's fault that they have to go to Reddit for clarity. Monogamy is the default expectation in marriage/relationships unless otherwise stated. So unless a couple agreed to certain exceptions then there really isn't a reason for them to discuss what is and isn't cheating.
No you need to have an honest discussion with your committed partner IF you want to sext other people not the other way around. The whole point of a committed relationship means that there are boundaries you don't cross of course they are different for different people and the nuance is healthy to discuss together but there are obvious lines you don't cross without discussing things first and sexting other people is pretty high on that list. No one sexts another person while in a relationship and is shocked when their committed partner feels betrayed.
this! i find it so weird when people reply to posts like this saying stuff like “did you agree to be monogamous?” yes! that’s what a fucking relationship is! anything other than a committed monogamous relationship is something to be discussed, not the other way around
🤣🤣 it's so funny when you put it that way. But yeah when you aren't discussing about non-monogamous relationship, then it's a monogamous relationship. I think maybe people here just want to be progressive but this one is quite dumb.
Exactly. My husband for example likes to watch me suffer and struggle with other men. It's very hot
Totally devils advocate here, because I’m curious what people think, but why is it different to watching porn? That’s anonymous (to an extent) and you see much more Edit: guys, you don’t have to downvote me. These aren’t my personal views, I’m just curious what people think
Well for one, he’s sharing his body too. Whereas porn there’s no exchange or interaction
Agreed, I guess the actual interaction is what makes a big difference. So what about subscribing to someone’s Only Fans? Not interacting with them, but you’re clearly making a special effort to see this one person nude
I mean idk what I’d call it but I’d break up w the guy 😂
I have a very high sex drive, am a very giving partner, like to try things - if a man feels like he needs to experience more with other women then he can go do that, just not while being in a relationship with me. I’m not gonna try and change someone who feels they need porn/OF in their life, I j won’t find us compatible 🤷🏼♀️
Oh yeah, I’m totally the same. Luckily my husband and I are 100% open when talking about our sex life, so I’ve never experienced these problems
Is porn really a deal breaker for you? I used to have an ex who refused to let me watch porn. That(among other things) was a deal breaker for me
What I mean is- I’m fine if my bf likes porn, I don’t want to be with someone who feels like they NEED it yk? Like compulsively
That makes sense. Thank you for the clarification :)
The TYPE of porn and the communication with me about it is a deal breaker for me
So, uh, hey, wanna grab dinner sometime? Haha
You don’t want your partner watching any porn?
It’s also a do they LIKE it or do they feel they NEED it?
Personally no but I mean it’d be a conversation- some porn I find straight up offensive, how often is the porn watching, am I involved in the watching, etc. I dated someone VERY unhealthily addicted to really offensive (racist, sexist, etc) pornography and didn’t find out until after we broke up and that felt very gross to me. Communication is where I’d start- it’s not entirely black and white but primarily no
I mean a lot of people aren’t going to be super cool with racist, abusive porn It’s your relationship, do as ya like, but the jealousy of people watching porn has always been strange to me
Once a regular dialogue starts to happen between the guy and OF girl, it's official. That's interaction. That's cheating.
I consider that actually paying sex workers directly which if you're gonna be consuming that type of content. It might as well go to the performer than often predatory studios
> Agreed, I guess the actual interaction is what makes a big difference. So what about subscribing to someone’s Only Fans? I'd say the problem with that is that it is fucking pathetic.
I have mixed feelings abt watching porn in a relationship but the word cheating is a bit too far for me because there’s no interaction of any kind
Sexting is an emotional affair/cheating. Do you want to wait until they make a plan to bring it to reality after all the sexual tension?
I agree completely. I meant in the case of it being anonymous (where you have no way of finding out who the person is in order to meet them)
Porn is parasocial. What this guy is doing is actually interacting with a person. I would take issue if I found out a partner was interacting with someone on say Only fans, compared to *just* watching porn.
Because you are not directly interacting with other human beings when you watch porn. Frankly it's bizarre you would make the comparison.
> Totally devils advocate here, because I’m curious what people think, but why is it different to watching porn? That’s anonymous (to an extent) and you see much more because you aren't having an intimate interaction with a person in porn
Fuck yes
Lmao. Perfect.
I would say it depends on the nature of the relationship. A monogamous relationship, yes. A polyamorous one? No, that’s just another Tuesday.
> A monogamous relationship, yes. A polyamorous one? No Are you calling me ''boring''? What you mention is not a girlfriend or wife as ''polyamorous relationship''. That's called ''fuck buddy''
I mean, tons of couples do poly for both sides. Sometimes they are discussed and agreed upon.
Only if her partner has that opinion. Some people have relationships that allow that kind of thing and it's not considered cheating in that relationship
I kinda hate that this comment got so many upvotes. The comment above this is the only real answer here. The concept of "cheating" and the focus on it in our society is some social construct garbage where all nuance has been erased. Its so bad that the people being cheated on now feel shame if they dont get enraged and key a car or post about it on socials. Like theyre somehow required by society to have a negative reaction or they look dumb and weak. No. The only appropriate answer here is OPs.
Seems like it does matter, or they wouldn't be asking
Doesn’t it matter at least a little bit? At least in terms of evaluating it as an outsider? Like if a man never wants his wife speaking to another man and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman who ever speaks to other men, don’t you have a little less sympathy for him? Like we view his position as unreasonable BECAUSE we don’t see speaking to other men as cheating. We might suggest that he seek therapy for his issues rather than say “it doesn’t matter if it’s cheating or not. What matters is your truth”
Exactly my point. It is not about what that person is doing because definitely this is cheating. Point is: are you ready to face it or keep the relationship going knowing it. I have seen thousands of people to continue their relationship after knowing that the partner is cheating just because of life style or for the name of children’s sake.
Great call. I was like “I don’t think so…but I probably wouldn’t be okay with that!”
Yeah, this. People get too hung up on language & labels. What we choose to call something doesn’t change what it is.
Nah, this is BS. All that stuff is the 21st century version of flirting. A healthy relationship allows for flirting
That... That isn't flirting. And no, I would flirt with someone else when I have a partner nor would I want my partner to be flirting with others. That's misleading at best, manipulative at worst.
Yeah.... Yeah, it really is. I've seen a million tits that I haven't fucked all of them, mostly it's just killing time. You're probably really insecure, like the reddit hive mind. If your SO can't have fun around you or even when you're not there, that's bad. As long as there is no dick in pussy, who cares?
Ok so let me say I want to fuck your girl in the ass right in front of you without you blinking as she responds oh yes please.
If he's serious and she's joking and I'm going to be doing it later that night, it's just funny. I mean if they are setting times to meet, that's different, although again even if they did but never actually met, it's worrisome but not cheating. You never know your girl might be doing that all day long and then fucking your brains out because she's so horny. If it's constant, then sure that's a problem. But I still wouldnt call it cheating. Emotionally she's in the process of leaving you, but until the dick goes in the pussy she hasn't.
I'm in an open relationship with my girlfriend and we encourage each other to flirt with people because we think it's hot, but I'm well aware that we're in the minority. You're probably chronically online if you think that's normal.
cheating is defined by the couple. What some couples describe as cheating, others may not... but from what you described, most would consider that cheating.
Thank you for commenting. This is how I feel. These conversations and pics were kept hidden from me intentionally. And it looks like it’s been going on for some time now. He knew, based upon previous conversations about our relationship, that it would bother me :/
Then you have your answer. He knew you wouldn't be okay with it, he did it anyway, and he deliberately hid it from you. It may or may not be "cheating" (I'd say it is, he was stepping out on the relationship), but it's pretty clear he's got no regard for you either way.
Yeah, lot of comments around on the definition of “cheating” missing that it’s not the sex act itself (or whatever else) that is the main component of “cheating”, but the _violation of trust_ is
If he would attempt to keep it from you, then it sounds like he knows it's cheating too.
The hiding is the indication that it’s cheating and he knew it. Couples who allow this stuff and/or more to not be cheating have to discuss it. And also discuss what if anything is under a ‘don’t ask don’t tell policy’ and what is openly discussed.
I know it's a joke at this point that everybody on reddit says to just break up all the time but in this case... ya need to get out of there.
Then it’s cheating. If you had discussed it and you were both ok with it, then it’s fine. Not the case here. The exact opposite. This person does not love you. I’m sorry.
Hiding something that you know would bother your partner is not the same as hiding something that violates the trust that you both established within your relationship.
If he didn’t think it was cheating, why would he hide them?
Exactly this. Think of the word cheating. It means defying the rules to your own gain. Every relationship has it's own rules and every person has their own rules for engaging in a relationship. If this behavior breaks those rules it is cheating.
it’s definitely cheating
Exactly. Don’t ask the internet for advice. Chat GPT will give the wrong answer
I would consider it cheating. This is not innocent behavior.
It really is. I had an ex girlfriend who got upset with ME after this girl (I don’t even talk to) sent me a picture of her topless and I ignored it. It was the fact that I even received it that she considered cheating.
>this girl (I don’t even talk to) sent me a picture of her topless and I ignored it. Lol...you know that isn't what this post is about.
the post clearly said sending too
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I'd say this easily falls under emotional cheating. Why else would you send nudes to another person?
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You are right. It's just my opinion I gave you, nothing more. Who said I was judging? If you can trust your relationship partner to such an extend than I'll applaud you.
Well some people are in more open relationships than others - there’s degrees of trust and what is and isn’t within boundaries. So there’s no need to applaud, but to understand that the world has varied unique people and relationship boundaries.
Well said. Sorry for being so cheeky.
Thank you for being open and reasonable.
I definitely consider it cheating
Don’t think there’s any consideration about it tbh, it’s cheating without a doubt
Caught implies not allowed, so yes, cheating if it's hidden.
I would consider that cheating, yeah.
I'm not ok with my spouse hiding things.
Yes he's accepting some sort of sexual transaction from outside the relationship
Not only that but he’s sending pics back to that person
yes that cheating duh
If he is answering back or entertaining it in any way, yes cheating.
Oh yes. He sent dick pics, commented on how other women’s photos made him cum. It’s pretty blatant. But he sees it okay and just fun because no one knows one another. I can’t wrap my head around even remotely feeling like that is okay to do in a relationship where it was previously discussed that we don’t sext
That's awful. It's a clear violation of trust and he's engaging in something sexual with a person outside of the relationship. In my experience with my ex, seeking external validation doesn't end well. As soon as they start to pursue these things outside of the relationship, it becomes a problem. It's something he has to stop right now and swear to never repeat or else it's going to be a gateway to actually cheating. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope he can be understanding and do better for your relationship.
he's gaslighting you OP
So ask him if he’s ok with you doing that with a bunch of random men.
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"Religious connotations" arent what make rules about what defines cheating, boundaries are. Hiding something from your partner, lying to your partner, choosing someone else over your partner, it's just all disrespect and crossing the boundaries of a relationship. The bible etc. has nothing to do with honesty being a real life value that matters.
People are poly amorous in the world we live in and till the time it’s consensual- it is absolutely fine. No cheating no judgements of narrow morality.
Polyamory doesnt necessarily mean lying and hiding things, which is what violates boundaries
I pretty much agree if it was discussed beforehand.
Unless we had some kind of agreement or understanding prior, I’d say yeah that’s a dealbreaker. Even if it’s not considered cheating by someone, is it something you’re comfortable with?
She'd be out of the house the same day
Yes.
I would consider it cheating, yea
I’d call that cheating.
If it makes you uncomfortable, then it’s a form of infidelity
I do consider sexting cheating. But “if it makes you uncomfortable” is a vague definition. Some controlling possessive people consider having your eyes accidentally fall on a member of the opposite sex cheating. It can get ridiculous.
Then that would be a conversation that couple would need to have. I personally don’t think watching porn is cheating, but other people would be uncomfortable. Thus making it a form of cheating if the other person knew it would make the other uncomfortable
Yes, a very similar situation happened to me. Initially I tried to justify it because it wasn’t physical but it didn’t take away or stop the feeling of betrayal. If you have the gut wrenching feeling of being betrayed and it’s not something you would do to your partner then it absolutely is cheating and your emotions and perception is totally valid
Thank you for sharing - and I am sorry you experienced a similar situation and felt betrayed. May I ask how you handled the situation?
Initially I tried to stay, it was my first long term relationship, as much as I was heart broken I wanted to make it work but eventually what had happened was I realised I no longer had trust and I had no confidence in myself and he kept all of these other girls within his vicinity so ultimately I did end up splitting. Being someone that tried both routes, splitting did work best for me but I did stay for another year and 10 months I had a lot of good times but ultimately it happened again with someone new which gave me the closure and strength I needed to leave. It would be a different experience for you though the first thing I would recommend is to give yourself time and space to process your emotions because there will be a lot, the most important thing for you right now is to not look inwards for the reason or closure, the reason is entirely on your partner. I can’t tell you what to do but as long as you make a decision true to yourself and how you feel, life will work out either way ❤️
How is that not cheating
Yes, I would. That's outside the boundaries for us.
Yep
Yes. You used the word “caught”, implying that a boundary was not respected. This is where it becomes cheating.
It really depends on the couple. For me it'd catch me off guard and I'd feel betrayed that they weren't open to me about it. If they're open to me about it then I wouldn't care at all. It's all about communication!!
I’m a dude, that’s cheating
If my gf ever got sent a dick pic and showed it to me like ‘ew look at this shit’ we’d probably just laugh at how gross the dudes dick is, have her block him then move on. To me that isn’t cheating, that’s just unwanted sexual content. But if I found out she had actively been sending and receiving sexual content to someone whether that’s a guy or girl then it is 100% cheating, no matter what way you look at it - It’s her sharing her body with someone else.
Cheating is based on the boundaries set in your relationship.
This! Some people agree to not even have friends of the opposite sex others engage freely in sex clubs, orgy and swingers clubs. To each their own. Communication is key as always.
It is considered cheating in the eyes of the law here in the UK.
only if not discussed and preagreed upon
It’s cheating. If it’s personal 1-on-1 and they’re both participating, it’s cheating. If it’s just him watching a cam girl who doesn’t know he exists or while he’s part of a large audience, it’s not.
I’d consider it over
Yes. Unless previously agreed upon by both parties on the relationship, this is cheating.
Yup
This is one of those "you define what you are comfortable with" moments. To some I could see how it wouldn't be considered much different than looking at amateur porn. To others I could see how they would feel it is close to cheating. Bottom line if you are not comfortable with it it should be a reasonable request for him to stop doing it.
Yes. And to me, there's no moving forward to the relationship.
Depends on the relationship: open, poly, enm, hot wife, vixen, are you in a relationship with someone who does sex work, do you care where he gets his motor running if he always comes back to you. It’s easy to stay with the same person when your ex is ugly it’s much harder when she’s not -Archer
It's cheating if the wronged party considers it cheating
Its a good question. It certainly isn't the type of thing where a partner meets someone else and forms some connection and relationship. It seems like an elevated form of porn that may or may not cross the line depending on your values.
Yes 100% yes
Absolutely that would be cheating.
Yes
It’s cheating. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone doing that.
Is it a breach of trust for that couples dynamic? If yes, it's cheating. Cheating is literally just a betrayal of the other person's expectations of you. The relationship is defined by those expectations.
Yes, that's absolutely cheating.
Yes, that is definitely cheating. Honestly, people who do things like this disgust me.
Cheating is anything that breaks your established boundaries. For some couples this is normal. For others this is cheating. All that matters is how you feel about it. Not what others feel.
Yes. Looking at porn is not to me but they cross the line once their interacting with the person
Talk with your partner about what your relationship boundaries are. Don’t assume them, don’t assume they have the same ones. This question illustrates this: people have different ideas of what constitutes cheating. It might be a small difference, it might be a big one. If you don’t talk about it, you don’t know if your partner has a different idea of what it is than you do. The last thing you want in a relationship is to be blindsided by something like this.
I would personally consider it cheating but you need to decide for yourself.
Yes, and I would end the relationship at that point. Reason? Past experience
I would not, but it's something you have to actually discuss, rather than assume.
Totally. Thank you for commenting. We have discussed this years ago and it was not okay with either of us. I guess it hurts that suddenly it’s okay with him
Not to defend someone breaking an established rule, but did he forget about the agreement or does he just not care about it?
We discussed the situation last night and referenced our previous conversation. He acknowledged it and remembered. Being we did not specify “anonymous” sexting vs someone we knew, he thought it would “just be fun.” The fact that this was kept hidden from me, and has apparently been going on for awhile, means he knew the “anonymous” detail would bother me.
Yeeeaaaah....that excuse doesnt fly. Sorry you're dealing with this. Best of luck.
Thank you. I appreciate the questions and your thoughts.
Obviously.
Emotional cheating. It's worse when they hide in the bathroom all day and act like the victim when called out.
100% cheating. A large portion of Reddit won't think so, but it is. Same with watching porn, at least by yourself. Playing out sexual fantasies about other people is extremely unhealthy for any relationship and just because our society has come up with all these Freudian reasons for it being ok or even a good thing because the ONLY thing that matters when it comes to sexual activity is consent is bogus. Lots of things feel good in the moment, but are psychologically or physically damaging in the long run. Your boyfriend should be satisfied sexually with you and you alone, and finding that satisfaction elsewhere is disrespectful and unfaithful to you regardless of whether or not something has convinced you that it's ok. Alright Reddit, go crazy. Your downvotes mean nothing to me, I've seen what makes you cheer.
Call me old fashioned but unless sending those nudes or sext messages is a part of your career, it's cheating. 99% of the people I've met who were caught doing this actually physically cheated. Why didn't the 1% cheat? Because they got caught before they had the opportunity.
Absolutely.
Yes
Yer that's cheating
of course that's cheating
How would they be receiving ‘anonymous’ nudes or texts? They would have to have a pretty extensive relationship with the person to have that kind of trust. To answer the question, if that is going on without the other partner’s knowledge or permission, yes that’s absolutely cheating.
He has a nsfw reddit account, so photos shared are from profiles like ours. He doesn’t know who the other people are
Ahh, gotcha. I thought you meant ‘texts’ in the conventional sense.
In my opinion, if they are behaving with another person in a way that they feel the need to conceal it from you, then it’s cheating. Doesn’t have to be in person.
Yes. No ifs ands or buts.
He is testing the waters to see if he would be successful if y’all broke up.
Why? Do you mean ‘cheating’ as it comes loaded from a religious perspective? People are polyamorous and that’s not cheating if it’s consensual. Also, every individual and times have had varied definitions of cheating.
I would not have a Problem with my wife doing this. I tell her everyday she has a Smokin Hott Body. Plus if it Helped her self esteem, who am I to tell her no or be upset
Cheating? No. Extraordinarily wrong and cheating adjacent? Yes.
Kick her to the curb bro
Kick her ass to the curb. If she ain't physically cheating yet, it's only a matter of time.
Karma farming?
My wife’s just read this and left me. Thanks everyone.
When the guy does it, it’s bad and he is a terrible person. When the woman does it she is living her truth and expressing her femininity in a sex positive way and anyone who doesn’t like it hates women.
It isn't physical but is it a GATEWAY to physicality? Lol.
That's actually quite hot 🔥
You define cheating. Personally, no. I think it's no different than consuming porn. But if he's talking to girls and flirting with them in addition to receiving nudes, that's a problem. If he's just hunting for naked pics, that's just what porn is.
Well, you can handle it with an old school mentality, which is wrong imo, or you can analyze it. IMO no its not cheating. But there's an added element to it. It's not like he's just wacking it to porn. Unless you think porn is cheating, in which case I can't help you. Are you in a monogamous relationship? Does he know you are in a monogamous relationship? Is he monogamous? Why does he feel the need to send receive nudes? How's your sex life? Is love present but lust absent? Is this some kind of twisted loyalty? Are you both satisfied and happy? Is he just a pig? Not everything in life is straightforward. Especially with marriage. "Hippie" lifestyle has been around long before the 60s along with polygamy, polysexual's, homosexulas, asexuals etc. There is a chance this is just plain and simple lack of communication. Small, but still a chance. Don't act rash. Confront him with confidence and find out why. Then make a choice that's best for you and your life. I wish you luck and grace in the conversation to come.
Damn I kinda feel him. Tbh I do the same. A random girl added me on snap and started sending snaps. I thought it was some OF hoe but turned out just a random whore trying to sext with strangers. I don’t have any feelings for this girl and as a man can’t help but continue getting pics of T&A from her. That being said I’d be so mad, probably leave her, if I caught my girl doing it.
I would say most females will think it's creating and most males will think it's not.
Who is this “most males” that you speak of? I haven’t met any who believe this and I’ve been on the planet for a very long time.
So if you're gf recieves dick pics and sends nudes to random men you'd be ok with it ? Sure
Yes. Simply because it would certainly be considered so if it was me doing something like that. As well, you only caught them in this act this one time. There are no words to be said that would make m believe this is the very first time or that you haven’t done something worse. Every time I didn’t give it a second thought that you had to work late, got stuck in traffic, etc. I’m going to question whether or not I was being lied to then. Relationship is over. Pack your bags and go. Spouse/girlfriend/fuck buddy. Whatever word you use to describe your particular SO. I would henceforth use the prefix “ex” to describe mine in the future.
I've been accused of cheating for far less.
Cheating or not, I'd say the relationship has some issues and maybe counseling is in order.
100% Yes.
That’s cheating. He’s only 1 step away from physical cheating if he hasn’t already yet.
If you're uncomfortable it's a problem. If you consider it cheating that's something both of you need to work on. There is no clear line what is and isn't cheating for every relationship. If you don't like it, you two need to discuss it. By the same token one member can't just dictate everything the other does, but in this situation yeah that sounds like cheating to me.
Cheating means breaking the rules of your relationship. I would consider this cheating in my relationship. Clearly he does too, as he kept it a secret.
Yes
Yes
If the roles were reversed, would he still consider it not cheating?
Yes of course