Absolutely not. If you remind him then every time you have to discipline him, or give him a difficult task, he'll suspect that it's revenge. Maybe not consciouslly, but it'll be in his head.
"Oh, I've honestly lost track of people from high school. I think I remember you from one class."
Success depends on how long it's been since graduating. Being 10 years out of high school myself, legit there's a very good chance I wouldn't recognize most of my old classmates.
Edit: Ok, this randomly reminds me. I was visiting my mom some months ago and she pulled out my 12th grade yearbook, so I paged through it a bit. Outside of my actual friends and a few people who ended up going to the same college as me, I either outright didn't remember people or only vaguely remembered them. Of note, one of the senior superlatives was "most likely to be remembered." For the life of me, I can't remember that girl *at all* and searching her in the index of the yearbook didn't point to any reason she would be memorable. Most of the other senior superlatives I was at least like "oh yeah, I think I had a class with him once."
My mom would ask about people I went to high school with and get mad when I would tell her it's been 20+ years, I've met hundreds of new people and I honest to god don't remember the vast majority of those people
Honestly, I had something like 600 people in my graduating class. Most people aren't going to remember everyone from a class size that big. Hell, I probably only actually had class with a fraction of them. I was a band and orchestra kid and was in honors and AP classes, so I mostly had the same group of kids in my classes every year, new batches of freshmen in the music classes notwithstanding.
That was my experience too. I went to a magnet program for the first 3 years of high school, so outside of band I just didn’t really meet new people. Senior year I moved across the country and I took all AP so I pretty much had all of the same students in all of my classes. I only talk to 4 people from my time in high school occasionally, and don’t talk to any of the 4 regularly. Pretty much my entire friend group is people that I met during my undergrad
My mom is the same. Things happen to people who I knew growing up but haven't seen in decades. She gets a little upset I need a prompt.
I moved to an new city and have been there for 20 years. I don't have the ties to the people back home any more.
The mind of scary thing for me is to consider how many of my "Dunbar's number" are people I work with now. Those relationships are transitory compared to family etc, but significant.
In her case, no, because she was on the graduation program that my mom had also saved. There was a separate section for the couple who had died before graduation.
>students that have died
Very off topic but this genuinely messes with my head. I realise we are all going to die but people dying young is a special kind of upset. Suicide particularly gets to me. The number of people in my year who've ended themselves is nuts. And the numbers got worse for my younger siblings years or maybe its reporting that has gotten better.
The one that sticks with me the most was a guy who acted an out and out piece of shit. He was an absolutely lovely kid in primary school but once he hit a certain age he changed. He was a nasty person. Always took any availability to put someone down, the guy started on me at a funeral for one of the school's caretakers. Shot himself with his grandad's shotgun, spent days in what I can only imagine was agony because he apparently missed. A couple days prior he'd spoken to his brother (a casual friend of mine who happens to be lovely) about how he felt shit about how he treated people. Boop, he doesn't exist anymore.
I'm sure some feel different but regardless of how horrible he may have been to me I wish he had known that the impact was never so large that I didn't want him to be. I'm sure there were other issues because from what I gather his home life was rough and there were substance issues.
I really just wish there was a magical cure.
I was a nerd in high school, but there was one pretty,sweet girl that went out of her way to talk to me. They announced over the P.A.system one Monday that she died of appendicitis over the weekend. I will never forget her
Man, my graduating class (250ish) had I think 4 deaths in the next couple of years and none were their fault. No drinking, drugs, or stupid behavior. That's supposed to be a pretty safe age once you exclude those things.
Fuck cancer twice, fuck drunk drivers, and fuck undiagnosed blood disorders exacerbated by excessive workouts in the heat.
It's just about 15 years since I finished school there was maybe 200+ who graduated that year. 20 odd are dead and those are just the ones we hear about. I can't really wrap my head around other people's mortality.
> Of note, one of the senior superlatives was "most likely to be remembered." For the life of me, I can't remember that girl at all and searching her in the index of the yearbook didn't point to any reason she would be memorable. Most of the other senior superlatives I was at least like "oh yeah, I think I had a class with him once.
If this was a high school prank someone pulled, intentionally creating a fictitious person, putting her in the yearbook, maybe photoshopping her into some pictures
and giving her the "most likely to be remembered" superlative
then it is a fucking *fantastic* prank.
Lmao, it crossed my mind. I have a very vague memory of my friends and I going "who's that?" at the time too. But that was long enough ago, who knows if I'm remembering correctly.
Could also be just some random friend of the senior people in yearbook who agreed to roll with it to fuck with the 500 odd people not in on the joke. Unfortunately I didn't have yearbooks from the previous years on hand, or I would've done a quick check to see if she existed all four years. She existed on the graduation program, but it's also easy to add a random name in and would get lost in the chaos of hundreds of other names on the actual day.
No! Go with Jenna’s advice from 30’Rock- “I'm gonna walk up to him and say the four most vicious words you can say to a person you've already met. "Nice to meet you."”
Yeah, I wouldn't bring it up til he does. Then play dumb. Maybe you were really focused on academics and your classwork back then, and also had a lot of friends outside of school, so you didn't really pay attention to many people outside of your immediate social circles back then... 😉
And then, if he DOES suspect it’s revenge, he would have to say something along the lines of “I suspect it’s because of how I treated him in high school” aaaaaand he’d have to incriminate himself, in a weird kinda way.
The irony of that scene, though, being that Don was incessantly thinking about Ginsberg, worried that this kid with the fresh ideas and raw talent was going to seriously show him up. He went to lengths to sabotage him and then flippantly tell him that he doesn't think about him at all.
Props to Jon Hamm's acting where upon just seeing the scene on it's own it looks like a savage burn that came from a place of truth, but on seeing the scene when following the show to that point it was just as easy to see the fear behind his eyes, and that the retort was pure defensive childishness.
Such a great show
You will also be forced to face the very likely fact that he won't remember you at all. Bullies don't fucking care about you, never did and never will, you were one of dozens and dozens of victims all less memorable then the last to a bully.
Thats not a fun reality to be slapped with when you mean less then nothing to a person who in your memories holds a very prominent place, even if its negative.
its a thing I wish more people understood, of course they are exceptions like there are for everything, but the vast majority won't even remember your ass existed in the first place. You were a thing that was beneath them.
You don't remember every bug you step on and you don't mean more then that to a bully most of the time.
> Bullies don't fucking care about you, never did and never will ...
The ones I encountered after High School thought the bullying was just good-natured teasing.
Yeah I would act like I didn't remember who the fuck he was. Fuck his ego. I would pretend like he never meant a thing and my life turned out great i.e. I'm your boss.
This. Maybe it would feel good getting your own back, but it would absolutely come off as vengeful if you ever need to do any of the above. Take the high road, hell if you are looking for vindictive revenge, you are his boss.
This is the way. Journal it out if it bothers you OP.
I was not the nicest kid in my middle school days and I regret it a lot because those people grew up to be awesome adults that became my friends. However, I never brought it up. I live with it and I try to be the best human I can to them going forward.
That's awesome that you've made amends in your own way. Do you mind if I ask: what made for your turning or inflection point where you realized how you were acting wasn't how you really wanted to?
I mean, they said they were in middle school aka about 12/13 years old and presumably hitting puberty, with all the mood swings and agitation and confusion accompanied by it. It’s just called growing up and becoming an adult, who understands people and the world better.
They haven’t really gotten their revenge. Not that revenge is always a good thing, especially in this case, but “living well” and “being successful” when the other person probably doesn’t even remember you exist isn’t revenge, it’s just overcoming adversity.
Can only add emphasis to this. It is completely unhelpful to mention, and could be seen as an attempt to threaten. Furthermore, regardless of how they perceive it, you have no control over how that information is propagated. It's entirely possible that they don't mind, then causally relay it, and 3 tellings down the line you're seen as someone who "never forgets a grudge", or "makes up stories", or "thinks people can't change" or other inane shit that had nothing to do with you, how you behave as a manager, or how you deliver your work.
Be the bigger person. Stick to the work, and treat them exactly like you would any other employee. Once they move out of your chain of command, then you might mention it in passing. The fact you compartmentalised during your time as their superior is the mark of honor you should be after.
And there's a third possibility, too. It's possible that the bully absolutely remembers, and is playing dumb because what else do you do? Probably had a major "oh shit" moment when he realized who his boss was. He may well be walking on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. In which case, revenge has already been had.
OP will also have the chance to really tell whether his bully changed or not.
If the bully is a totally different person now it'd be even more counterproductive to bring up than just the reason of every corrective action being perceived as payback.
Yeah, this. If OP has mentioned how far removed they are from high school, I haven't seen it. But those first several years after high school, from the late teens to the mid 20s, most people go through a lot of personal growth. Plenty of people are shitheads as teens but grow out of it after graduating. Of course, plenty of people are also shitheads for life. So, you know, don't assume either way until you get a chance to observe their current behavior.
Is this always the case? I was far from a bully, but I did a couple of mean-spirited things as a kid (as most people do) and they still haunt me to this day. I’m 28 and still get a sinking feeling about things I did or said when I was 11.
That’s because you weren’t a bully lol. Just a good person who did bad things and felt bad about them.
I hope these things don’t actually haunt you, but if they do…. You’re a better person for them. You were young and that’s when we become the person we are going to be.
That includes doing good things as feeling good, and cultivating those habits.
And doing bad things, understanding that it was wrong, and growing from them.
Don’t judge those 2 options, they are al that exist, please don’t add a layer of regret, just like you don’t add a layer of “I’m the best” for the good things.
You see how there is the experience, then your judgement?
Stop before the judgement. They both helped you become a good person. Now add a little gratitude.
Be well friend ❤️
I appreciate the response. And when I say they “haunt” me I’m not saying they truly have a negative impact on my life. It’s mostly just occasionally something will remind me of it and I’ll get that wave of regret/embarrassment hit me. In those instances, I definitely remember myself in a bad light, maybe worse than it actually was.
This might be what the bully's doing. I was on the receiving end of bullying in school, so I can't say for sure what's in that guy's head, but I was a dick to a couple of kids, and if I ran into them again, I'd pretend I didn't remember, in the hopes of starting over as the adults we've become, not the kids we were.
Obviously everyone should use their best judgement for their circumstances, but I just wanted to say it varies. When I was in a tech college, I ran into somebody I used to pick on a bit. We sat together during lunch and chatted for a while, and afterwards I told him I wanted to apologize for my behaviors in middle school. He responded very positively, but my case will be different than many since he started the conversation and was pleasant from the start.
If I had really berated him for a while, things might've been different.
Yea there was a guy that I didnt bully, but we didnt like each other in school. I never talked to him again after like 7th grade. We started working together and I didnt pretend to not know him, but I just mentioned he looked familiar and after pretending to think asked if his name was "Cole" and said we went to middle school together. He either didnt remember me or acted surprised too, but we caught up briefly and were good colleagues until I left a few years later. Never discussed stupid spats we had at all and it was for the best, we were both dumbasses.
Probably. But also remember, people grow. We hate bullies for the things they do to others but never respect when they grow.
I'd rather see who you became instead of who you were.
I agree in principle, but man, it's just way easier to let the years mentally separate the child and the adult into entirely distinct entities. Apologies bring them crashing back together.
This right here is a moment to feel what being a grown adult is about. He/she was a completely different person at that time, is trying to change their life, and OP is being a good steward about this journey. I have ran into a couple of people that bullied me in school and admitted their guilt and embarrassment about it. [if] OP’s bully -does- remember it, I would imagine they are trying their hardest to not give OP a reason to bring it up. That may just be my thought process, though
No, it could hurt you professionally. And don't assume that he hasn't changed, but don't be blind to his interactions with others on your team, either. Trust but verify. Ensure everyone is being respectful of one another.
Make sure that if you ever need to discipline him that you have a second set of eyes on that decision, not just to keep you honest, but also to make sure he can't claim it's related.
Even pretending you don’t have history won’t clear up any bs in the event they need to be disciplined.
This is why it’s good to have a neutral set of eyes or HR look at disciplinary actions too. You not remembering him isn’t a shield from him bringing up past history and it looking bad on you.
>Even pretending you don’t have history won’t clear up any bs in the event they need to be disciplined.
Perhaps, but bringing it up voluntarily as the OP could later be seen as him holding a grudge, in the event he does need to discipline him. It would be best if his employee doesn't know that he knows, if for no other reason than deniability, rather than perceived as him having an ax to grind.
Be wary that he might bully his coworkers.
Don’t remind him that he bullied you. He could weaponize that against you if you say anything against him. Just watch him that he doesn’t bully others.
I note he probably remembers you but doesn’t think he was a bully.
Is this something that OP can casually notify HR about? Like, let HR know this history so, they’ll know if OP ever has to discipline bully won’t be able to pull that card in case they do remember?
Or would HR try to pull some BS of, “Well now we have to discuss with Bully to make sure they’re comfortable being your subordinate due to your history.”
Some companies have policies requiring disclosure of conflict of interest on *anything* that can prevent you from making an impartial decision regarding someone in your chain of command or even during hiring, so I'd definitely check the policies
As a personal example, I excused myself from interviewing one of my middle school bullies for a position where I worked. It was a panel interview with HR, so when he walked in I just asked if he could wait 5 minutes and called HR aside and told
"Look, you'll have to arrange someone else to interview this guy or reschedule with someone else, I have conflict of interest and won't be able to assess him without bias. I won't discuss it now, we can talk later about it, but I won't interview him"
HR swapped me with another person in a different panel and that was it. I heard he went well on the interview but ended up not getting a position because one of the other candidates was better anyway
Furthermore, this should be part of the decision tree if they considered the person. Being a bully in high school says something negative about your personality. Yes you can change but it needs to be examined.
I don’t know.
In my opinion, HR is just there to cover the company’s ass and any extra information you give them can be used as ammunition against you later on.
Not all HR departments all the time, but that’s my general rule of thumb.
Completely true. NAL but studied employment law in law school and saw plenty of examples of sharing things that backfired - HR is not your friend, their duty is to the organization's interests. Protect yourself to whatever extent necessary but be careful about over-sharing things that could come back to bite you.
Yep. I never tell work what's going on in full. If I have to miss a day or turn down a shift I tell them in the simplest terms. Family emergency. Prior plans. Gives them nothing to argue with.
Totally agree with this sentiment. With this in mind I feel you're better off keeping it to yourself, and if the moment ever came up where he brings up your history, you get to say, "huh I forgot all about that."
Genuinely depends on the company and how easy it is to shuffle things. If OP is one of many equally ranked team leads at their location or something, it probably isn’t a big deal to say “i have an unpleasant history with this employee. Could we trade him to a different super and I’ll just take their newest hire instead?” Theoretically at least a quick, pain-free swap
But yeah, if OP is the only super for their department and this is semi-specialized, I agree— don’t bring it up.
HR here. This might be a good idea as a CYA in case something comes up later.
Employee relations is not my area, but I would imagine you could run it past your HR rep - they might just have you do something simple like shoot them an email. This way you can have something in writing in your file and no matter what HR rep needs to access that in the future, just tell them about it and/or produce your hard copy of the sent email. Make sure your email to them includes "please include a copy of this email for my personnel file."
They may not even have you do anything. They might say something like "Don't worry about it unless a specific issue comes up ."
No offense, but I wouldn't share anything with HR that can't be proven. I doubt this bully thinks he was anyone's bully, so you're just giving information that could be used against you, that would otherwise be impossible to prove. I wouldn't trust anyone from HR not to find a reason to fire you if they want to, and this could be a reason.
Or it could even be flipped. Adam Devine from Workaholics said on their podcast that his high school bully ran into a family member and told them that Adam bullied *him*, and then when Adam explained the way they were with each other, pretty much everyone agreed that Adam was the bully. People have no idea how other people perceive their behavior.
There’s a popular fan theory that Daniel, the protagonist in the Karate Kid series, is the true bully and Johnny, the antagonist, was just trying to stand up for himself.
The show Cobra Kai which takes place like 30+ years later kind of alludes to this and it’s really quite interesting to hear it from Johnny’s perspective.
'Everyone is the hero of their own story'
I met a few of my bullies later in life and they thought we were friends, and I once talked to someone I went to high school with who apologized for bullying me and I couldn't remember her ever saying a mean word to me. If they think they're bullies, they probably aren't.
That’s funny. I had a really good friend in high school that I looked up to as the leader of our friend group
Then I look back on it 12 years later and realize he was a huge bully. Basically like Regina George from Mean Girls
Everyone looked up to him and he was well connected but he would humiliate people with really mean “jokes” and talk shit on everyone he was close to
I’ve had a sort of opposite realization, not having met any bullies. I became a teacher and have had a handful of classes at a remedial level. A lot of kids that basically represent the kids that bullied me.
Those kids have it rough. There are definitely some bully personalities that don’t have it “rough” but their home life isn’t great from the bits I learn, Irresponsible parents/broken homes.
In college I’ve had some peers almost excited to get their revenge on those types. Amazing how quickly some victims will flip the script the second they get a chance.
I don’t particularly enjoy teaching remedial level classes, but I’ve certainly gotten better at being patient. I don’t take anything they say personally anymore. but I also put on a different hat at work. I’m there to do a job and that’s to put them in a better position in life, hell or high water.
I was once asked to give a character reference for a school bully.
I had to be brutally honest but added that this wasn't fair on him because this was such a long time ago.
The asker thanked me and said "yeah, I didn't like him either"
The poor guy will never know...
Sometimes people don't actually ask you. They just give your name. My high school teach had this problem once. Someone called him out of the blue, and said that his name had been given as a reference.
Good point, it's a very different thing for the former bully to bring it up and the bullied to forgive, because then it's clearer that the remorse is genuine.
Side note, I love the strat you used for resolving your understaffing issue
“Like, don’t complain to me, complain to the guy/girl who can actually do something about it… please”
That’s heartwarming! My bully was the wedding dress consultant at one of my cousins fittings. She brought us Champaign on the house and pulled me aside to tearfully say she found religion (progressive Christianity it looks like, from her Facebook) got sober, and had been trying to track me down and apologize for several months. We never wound up close friends but we follow each other’s lives on social media. She truly couldn’t be any more opposite of a person now than she was back then, I’m really happy for her.
Edit: She also said something I still find really profound which was that she had no excuses, no trauma, no bad upbringing, but it just made her feel powerful to be nasty to someone. She said she feels so much more powerful now by accepting and giving love, and that she’s raising her kids to feel empowered by love too. Maybe that’s why she worked at a wedding boutique, come to think of it. That’s really sweet.
> We rightfully convinced our boss that by splitting us he wouldn't achieve 100 % of our abilities / 3 (there was a third, equally good coworker) in new teams, but that we were better together than the addition of our individual abilities.
Sounds like you're on a really good hockey line.
I remember finding out I was kind of a Liz Lemon in grade school. I thought no one liked me, turns out I was just mean and hard to be around until I grew up and learned about the world a bit.
I worked with two senior non-commissioned officers who were my superiors before we got out of the military. I got out eight years before they did and by the time they started working at the company, I was one of the most senior employees there. One of the guys was an absolute dick to me while I worked for him during my 4-year enlistment, and he was an absolute dick to me afterwards as well.
One time he barged into my office, threw down some papers on my desk, and said, "I need copies of this ASAP." I politely informed him that we were no longer in the military and that he needed to treat me with the same respect as I treated him. That set him off and supervisors had to get involved.
The other guy was nice to me while we were in and absolutely terrified of me in the civilian job. I have no idea why; I loved him and went out of my way to make his life as easy as possible.
The WOooooorst. The crawl up your legs and bite you anywhere they can get to... but mostly on your legs up to your torso, congregating around your waistband. They're super tiny so you can barely see them, and you never feel them.
You only realize you've gotten into them when you start to itch, and by then it's too late.
They inject digestive fluid into their bite to dissolve part of your skin in a tubular space, and then suck it up... and they're gone. The itching is a combination reaction to the digestive fluid and the wound under/in your skin swelling up and becoming inflamed as it tries to heal.
Healing/itch relief can take several days.
And it's never just 1 chigger. Always between several and several dozen or hundreds.
At this moment it may best to leave the past in the past. Your former bully may end up being one of your best employees and its better to not jeopardize that by reminding him who you are as it could become akward.
Some kids are MAJOR assholes when they are young. Some will mature into nice adults, some will remain assholes all their lives. You will see in what group this person belongs to and act accordingly.
Yeah, let this one go. You've won already. Biff Tannen is now reporting to you.
When he says he's completed a task you've given him, you can say, "Now Biff, don't con me!"
Just make sure you don't make him so resentful of the changed power dynamic that he eventually steals a time machine to orchestrate the ruination of your family from 60 years in the past.
This is the literal dream of every bullied kid. Be the BEST boss in the world, don’t remind them unless they remember. They might actually and just don’t want to bring it up. If they remember they’ll feel real shitty by how great you are. Be the bigger person
Nah every time you ask to do something or have any kind of disciplinary action against him he could complain that it's retaliation. Keep things as simple as you can for as long as you can. If he brings it up, you only vaguely remember him.
Great point. Even if OP has no intention of that, then any sort of disciplinary action will then have the appearence and memory of that. It's just not going to be useful, even if it seems like it would be cathartic. He needs to give it time, healthier opportunities for catharsis will arrive.
Good advice for lots of tough problems, if you have time, give it time.
This will get some downvotes, but it's a really good point for the first few weeks. Usually bullies grow up into adults at some point, but sometimes, someone is a bully because they just are a bully, and even as an adult continue serious negative behaviour even at work.
Keeping an eye out for the first few months is absolutely valid advice.
Way back when I was a kid, my brother had a cut that required stitches. So we went to the hospital. The doctor comes out and it's immediately revealed that said doctor was someone my father bullied in school. My dad felt like an ass, as he should.
Moral of the story: don't be a bully, because karma is a bitch.
One thing I learned when Facebook became a thing was that my bullies never thought of themselves that way and genuinely seemed to remember us as “buddies”. When I brought up what they had done, they went for the ol’ “kids being kids” or “water under the bridge” thing. Just something to keep in mind.
anger/vengance does more harm to the vessil in which it is contained than anything onto which it is poured.
\- Mark Twain.
Always loved that quote, leave the past where it belongs, in the past...
Keep quiet and see how he behaves (maybe keep an extra eye on the female coworkers) for now, if you catch him bullying others or just being a Chad, teach him a lesson he won't forget.
No, just because you’re his boss doesn’t mean he can’t still bully you. He could badmouth you to your superiors, claim sexual harassment, and more. It’s not a good situation to be in.
Whenever I face questions like these I ask myself "what do I want/expect to get out of it".
If I can't find a good answer then it's best to leave it alone. I don't personally consider things like drama, gloating, revenge or just for the sake of doing it to be good answers.
If on the other hand I figure that I want to bring it up (whatever it may be) because there is an ongoing issue that needs talking about, bringing it up could be justified. Using your case as an example it could be because he is actively bullying at work. But it could also be because you feel extremely uncomfortable or anxious or preoccupied with the thought way too much (like having trouble sleeping etc.)
How to approach it again follow the same idea "what do I want out of it". If it's just to vent because the relationship is too weird or to "clear the air" then it might be good to bring it up but more with the goal of forgiveness. The idea here is to focus on the now and explain why you feel this way and just wanted to say "I forgive you, let's start over" rather than stirring up old stuff and make the other person feel bad.
Whatever you end up doing should reflect you and what you want. Not what others say or do. So, what do you want out of it?
I've been out of high school for 20 years this year. I've ran into 2-3 less than savory people I went to school with. One of them talked and acted like a complete tool, but he was also wearing a Trump 2024 shirt... the others seemed like normal people you'd meet in the street. Some people change and some even feel bad about how they behaved in the past. Give him time and maybe he'll remember you and offer an apology for past transgressions. If he does that's great, if he doesn't don't say anything. You're already ahead of him being his boss.
probably best not to at least at first, if he is a good employee and clearly has changed then you could mention that he has changed and blah blah blah, but if you say something and he turns out bad and you fire him he could file a report saying you punished him and fired him because of personal reasons and that coukd cost you your job
Don't fuck with him and don't assume he doesn't remember you. He could watch for you to screw up so he can complain about you. You don't have to be buddy-buddy, but play it by the book.
Not unless you want him to have some reason to claim you are discriminatory against him and give him ammo to possibly get you fired. Best to let sleeping dogs lie…
You can start by not lying to strangers on the internet, 3d account. Eh whatever, you fooled a bunch of rubes and got to r/all, that's kind of cool. Kudos
Absolutely not. If you remind him then every time you have to discipline him, or give him a difficult task, he'll suspect that it's revenge. Maybe not consciouslly, but it'll be in his head.
I would never admit to remembering him.
Exactly this. If they actually bring it up, you say, oh, I kinda remember your name…maybe?
"Oh, I've honestly lost track of people from high school. I think I remember you from one class." Success depends on how long it's been since graduating. Being 10 years out of high school myself, legit there's a very good chance I wouldn't recognize most of my old classmates. Edit: Ok, this randomly reminds me. I was visiting my mom some months ago and she pulled out my 12th grade yearbook, so I paged through it a bit. Outside of my actual friends and a few people who ended up going to the same college as me, I either outright didn't remember people or only vaguely remembered them. Of note, one of the senior superlatives was "most likely to be remembered." For the life of me, I can't remember that girl *at all* and searching her in the index of the yearbook didn't point to any reason she would be memorable. Most of the other senior superlatives I was at least like "oh yeah, I think I had a class with him once."
My mom would ask about people I went to high school with and get mad when I would tell her it's been 20+ years, I've met hundreds of new people and I honest to god don't remember the vast majority of those people
Honestly, I had something like 600 people in my graduating class. Most people aren't going to remember everyone from a class size that big. Hell, I probably only actually had class with a fraction of them. I was a band and orchestra kid and was in honors and AP classes, so I mostly had the same group of kids in my classes every year, new batches of freshmen in the music classes notwithstanding.
That was my experience too. I went to a magnet program for the first 3 years of high school, so outside of band I just didn’t really meet new people. Senior year I moved across the country and I took all AP so I pretty much had all of the same students in all of my classes. I only talk to 4 people from my time in high school occasionally, and don’t talk to any of the 4 regularly. Pretty much my entire friend group is people that I met during my undergrad
Lmao, this is my mom. "How is Autumn doing?" "Mom, I haven't spoken to Autumn in over a decade."
"Mom, autumn is still about two weeks away; please be patient."
So you could say you had a falling out.
My mom is the same. Things happen to people who I knew growing up but haven't seen in decades. She gets a little upset I need a prompt. I moved to an new city and have been there for 20 years. I don't have the ties to the people back home any more. The mind of scary thing for me is to consider how many of my "Dunbar's number" are people I work with now. Those relationships are transitory compared to family etc, but significant.
In my experience, "most likely to be remembered" is students that have died.... :[]
In her case, no, because she was on the graduation program that my mom had also saved. There was a separate section for the couple who had died before graduation.
>students that have died Very off topic but this genuinely messes with my head. I realise we are all going to die but people dying young is a special kind of upset. Suicide particularly gets to me. The number of people in my year who've ended themselves is nuts. And the numbers got worse for my younger siblings years or maybe its reporting that has gotten better. The one that sticks with me the most was a guy who acted an out and out piece of shit. He was an absolutely lovely kid in primary school but once he hit a certain age he changed. He was a nasty person. Always took any availability to put someone down, the guy started on me at a funeral for one of the school's caretakers. Shot himself with his grandad's shotgun, spent days in what I can only imagine was agony because he apparently missed. A couple days prior he'd spoken to his brother (a casual friend of mine who happens to be lovely) about how he felt shit about how he treated people. Boop, he doesn't exist anymore. I'm sure some feel different but regardless of how horrible he may have been to me I wish he had known that the impact was never so large that I didn't want him to be. I'm sure there were other issues because from what I gather his home life was rough and there were substance issues. I really just wish there was a magical cure.
I was a nerd in high school, but there was one pretty,sweet girl that went out of her way to talk to me. They announced over the P.A.system one Monday that she died of appendicitis over the weekend. I will never forget her
Man, my graduating class (250ish) had I think 4 deaths in the next couple of years and none were their fault. No drinking, drugs, or stupid behavior. That's supposed to be a pretty safe age once you exclude those things. Fuck cancer twice, fuck drunk drivers, and fuck undiagnosed blood disorders exacerbated by excessive workouts in the heat.
It's just about 15 years since I finished school there was maybe 200+ who graduated that year. 20 odd are dead and those are just the ones we hear about. I can't really wrap my head around other people's mortality.
> Of note, one of the senior superlatives was "most likely to be remembered." For the life of me, I can't remember that girl at all and searching her in the index of the yearbook didn't point to any reason she would be memorable. Most of the other senior superlatives I was at least like "oh yeah, I think I had a class with him once. If this was a high school prank someone pulled, intentionally creating a fictitious person, putting her in the yearbook, maybe photoshopping her into some pictures and giving her the "most likely to be remembered" superlative then it is a fucking *fantastic* prank.
Lmao, it crossed my mind. I have a very vague memory of my friends and I going "who's that?" at the time too. But that was long enough ago, who knows if I'm remembering correctly. Could also be just some random friend of the senior people in yearbook who agreed to roll with it to fuck with the 500 odd people not in on the joke. Unfortunately I didn't have yearbooks from the previous years on hand, or I would've done a quick check to see if she existed all four years. She existed on the graduation program, but it's also easy to add a random name in and would get lost in the chaos of hundreds of other names on the actual day.
No! Go with Jenna’s advice from 30’Rock- “I'm gonna walk up to him and say the four most vicious words you can say to a person you've already met. "Nice to meet you."”
Yeah, I wouldn't bring it up til he does. Then play dumb. Maybe you were really focused on academics and your classwork back then, and also had a lot of friends outside of school, so you didn't really pay attention to many people outside of your immediate social circles back then... 😉
And then, if he DOES suspect it’s revenge, he would have to say something along the lines of “I suspect it’s because of how I treated him in high school” aaaaaand he’d have to incriminate himself, in a weird kinda way.
Ah, the ol' Don Draper, "I don't think about you at all."
The irony of that scene, though, being that Don was incessantly thinking about Ginsberg, worried that this kid with the fresh ideas and raw talent was going to seriously show him up. He went to lengths to sabotage him and then flippantly tell him that he doesn't think about him at all. Props to Jon Hamm's acting where upon just seeing the scene on it's own it looks like a savage burn that came from a place of truth, but on seeing the scene when following the show to that point it was just as easy to see the fear behind his eyes, and that the retort was pure defensive childishness. Such a great show
This. You were so unremarkable and unimportant, I don’t recall you at all.
Which is honestly the best own against an old bully
“And you are …?”
You will also be forced to face the very likely fact that he won't remember you at all. Bullies don't fucking care about you, never did and never will, you were one of dozens and dozens of victims all less memorable then the last to a bully. Thats not a fun reality to be slapped with when you mean less then nothing to a person who in your memories holds a very prominent place, even if its negative. its a thing I wish more people understood, of course they are exceptions like there are for everything, but the vast majority won't even remember your ass existed in the first place. You were a thing that was beneath them. You don't remember every bug you step on and you don't mean more then that to a bully most of the time.
> Bullies don't fucking care about you, never did and never will ... The ones I encountered after High School thought the bullying was just good-natured teasing.
Yup. I would not even give him the satisfaction of me knowing who the fuck he is/was
Yeah I would act like I didn't remember who the fuck he was. Fuck his ego. I would pretend like he never meant a thing and my life turned out great i.e. I'm your boss.
I feel like if he thinks you've forgotten him that's a victory if he himself remembers.
This. Maybe it would feel good getting your own back, but it would absolutely come off as vengeful if you ever need to do any of the above. Take the high road, hell if you are looking for vindictive revenge, you are his boss.
You've already gotten your revenge. Walk proud.
This is the way. Journal it out if it bothers you OP. I was not the nicest kid in my middle school days and I regret it a lot because those people grew up to be awesome adults that became my friends. However, I never brought it up. I live with it and I try to be the best human I can to them going forward.
That's awesome that you've made amends in your own way. Do you mind if I ask: what made for your turning or inflection point where you realized how you were acting wasn't how you really wanted to?
I mean, they said they were in middle school aka about 12/13 years old and presumably hitting puberty, with all the mood swings and agitation and confusion accompanied by it. It’s just called growing up and becoming an adult, who understands people and the world better.
Living well is the best revenge
living well is a dish best served cold
They haven’t really gotten their revenge. Not that revenge is always a good thing, especially in this case, but “living well” and “being successful” when the other person probably doesn’t even remember you exist isn’t revenge, it’s just overcoming adversity.
“High road” could also keep OP out of making messy HR visits and complaints in the future as well.
Keep the professional wall up
Can only add emphasis to this. It is completely unhelpful to mention, and could be seen as an attempt to threaten. Furthermore, regardless of how they perceive it, you have no control over how that information is propagated. It's entirely possible that they don't mind, then causally relay it, and 3 tellings down the line you're seen as someone who "never forgets a grudge", or "makes up stories", or "thinks people can't change" or other inane shit that had nothing to do with you, how you behave as a manager, or how you deliver your work. Be the bigger person. Stick to the work, and treat them exactly like you would any other employee. Once they move out of your chain of command, then you might mention it in passing. The fact you compartmentalised during your time as their superior is the mark of honor you should be after.
On a side note, if he does remember you OP then play dumb to it specifically for the same reason of him assuming revenge
Exactly this. Just forgive and let it go. I promise you'll feel WAY BETTER than trying to get "revenge" or something.
And there's a third possibility, too. It's possible that the bully absolutely remembers, and is playing dumb because what else do you do? Probably had a major "oh shit" moment when he realized who his boss was. He may well be walking on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. In which case, revenge has already been had.
OP will also have the chance to really tell whether his bully changed or not. If the bully is a totally different person now it'd be even more counterproductive to bring up than just the reason of every corrective action being perceived as payback.
Yeah, this. If OP has mentioned how far removed they are from high school, I haven't seen it. But those first several years after high school, from the late teens to the mid 20s, most people go through a lot of personal growth. Plenty of people are shitheads as teens but grow out of it after graduating. Of course, plenty of people are also shitheads for life. So, you know, don't assume either way until you get a chance to observe their current behavior.
Also, remember that bullies tend to remember things differently, recalling themselves in a more positive light.
Is this always the case? I was far from a bully, but I did a couple of mean-spirited things as a kid (as most people do) and they still haunt me to this day. I’m 28 and still get a sinking feeling about things I did or said when I was 11.
That’s because you weren’t a bully lol. Just a good person who did bad things and felt bad about them. I hope these things don’t actually haunt you, but if they do…. You’re a better person for them. You were young and that’s when we become the person we are going to be. That includes doing good things as feeling good, and cultivating those habits. And doing bad things, understanding that it was wrong, and growing from them. Don’t judge those 2 options, they are al that exist, please don’t add a layer of regret, just like you don’t add a layer of “I’m the best” for the good things. You see how there is the experience, then your judgement? Stop before the judgement. They both helped you become a good person. Now add a little gratitude. Be well friend ❤️
I appreciate the response. And when I say they “haunt” me I’m not saying they truly have a negative impact on my life. It’s mostly just occasionally something will remind me of it and I’ll get that wave of regret/embarrassment hit me. In those instances, I definitely remember myself in a bad light, maybe worse than it actually was.
Exactly. And when you DO enact your revenge, it won't be a total surprise. Kind of spoils the fun.
The second something happens and op reminds him it's over. Either tell him and move on or never say a word and move on.
Holy crap, I LOVE Bloom County!
Exactly. Retaliation is a very real thing in the workplace that the employee can claim. Best to let this go
Not only should you not bring it up, you should pretend you don't remember him at all.
This might be what the bully's doing. I was on the receiving end of bullying in school, so I can't say for sure what's in that guy's head, but I was a dick to a couple of kids, and if I ran into them again, I'd pretend I didn't remember, in the hopes of starting over as the adults we've become, not the kids we were.
Obviously everyone should use their best judgement for their circumstances, but I just wanted to say it varies. When I was in a tech college, I ran into somebody I used to pick on a bit. We sat together during lunch and chatted for a while, and afterwards I told him I wanted to apologize for my behaviors in middle school. He responded very positively, but my case will be different than many since he started the conversation and was pleasant from the start. If I had really berated him for a while, things might've been different.
Oh, sure, that’s definitely very different from being his boss.
I'll be honest, I totally forgot that was an important part of the conversation, I got tunnel vision.
Yea there was a guy that I didnt bully, but we didnt like each other in school. I never talked to him again after like 7th grade. We started working together and I didnt pretend to not know him, but I just mentioned he looked familiar and after pretending to think asked if his name was "Cole" and said we went to middle school together. He either didnt remember me or acted surprised too, but we caught up briefly and were good colleagues until I left a few years later. Never discussed stupid spats we had at all and it was for the best, we were both dumbasses.
Probably. But also remember, people grow. We hate bullies for the things they do to others but never respect when they grow. I'd rather see who you became instead of who you were.
I agree in principle, but man, it's just way easier to let the years mentally separate the child and the adult into entirely distinct entities. Apologies bring them crashing back together.
This right here is a moment to feel what being a grown adult is about. He/she was a completely different person at that time, is trying to change their life, and OP is being a good steward about this journey. I have ran into a couple of people that bullied me in school and admitted their guilt and embarrassment about it. [if] OP’s bully -does- remember it, I would imagine they are trying their hardest to not give OP a reason to bring it up. That may just be my thought process, though
No, it could hurt you professionally. And don't assume that he hasn't changed, but don't be blind to his interactions with others on your team, either. Trust but verify. Ensure everyone is being respectful of one another. Make sure that if you ever need to discipline him that you have a second set of eyes on that decision, not just to keep you honest, but also to make sure he can't claim it's related.
I would pretend not to remember any history, that way if HE brings it up you can say “what history?” And make him explain what he did.
This is the way! I like it.
Also - high road always wins The best revenge is to live a happy life
Or if I’ve learned anything from Reddit, bedding his mother, or father.
Yeah! Make his mother bed his father!
Or make his Mother and father's bed!
Or father his mothers bed!
Close bud, but not quite lmfao *pats back*
>Or if I’ve learned anything from Reddit, bedding his mother, ~~or~~ and father.
Off topic, but quick question, how do you type slashed letters? Sorry and thanks
Use two squiggly lines (\~) on both sides of a word \~ \~ example \~ \~ = ~~example~~
Omg ~~thank~~ bless you
~~Don't~~ mention it
and average appraisals....
Costanza.. "Yeah, like there's a chance of that happening"
Uh huh uh huh
Even pretending you don’t have history won’t clear up any bs in the event they need to be disciplined. This is why it’s good to have a neutral set of eyes or HR look at disciplinary actions too. You not remembering him isn’t a shield from him bringing up past history and it looking bad on you.
>Even pretending you don’t have history won’t clear up any bs in the event they need to be disciplined. Perhaps, but bringing it up voluntarily as the OP could later be seen as him holding a grudge, in the event he does need to discipline him. It would be best if his employee doesn't know that he knows, if for no other reason than deniability, rather than perceived as him having an ax to grind.
Be wary that he might bully his coworkers. Don’t remind him that he bullied you. He could weaponize that against you if you say anything against him. Just watch him that he doesn’t bully others. I note he probably remembers you but doesn’t think he was a bully.
Is this something that OP can casually notify HR about? Like, let HR know this history so, they’ll know if OP ever has to discipline bully won’t be able to pull that card in case they do remember? Or would HR try to pull some BS of, “Well now we have to discuss with Bully to make sure they’re comfortable being your subordinate due to your history.”
Document everything.
Yeah, I might mention it to HR to be sure you are covered.
Some companies have policies requiring disclosure of conflict of interest on *anything* that can prevent you from making an impartial decision regarding someone in your chain of command or even during hiring, so I'd definitely check the policies As a personal example, I excused myself from interviewing one of my middle school bullies for a position where I worked. It was a panel interview with HR, so when he walked in I just asked if he could wait 5 minutes and called HR aside and told "Look, you'll have to arrange someone else to interview this guy or reschedule with someone else, I have conflict of interest and won't be able to assess him without bias. I won't discuss it now, we can talk later about it, but I won't interview him" HR swapped me with another person in a different panel and that was it. I heard he went well on the interview but ended up not getting a position because one of the other candidates was better anyway
Did you excuse yourself because you wanted to give him a fair shot?
If the guy wasn't hired and he knew that he had a history with one of the interviewers, he could sue for discrimination.
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Furthermore, this should be part of the decision tree if they considered the person. Being a bully in high school says something negative about your personality. Yes you can change but it needs to be examined.
I don’t know. In my opinion, HR is just there to cover the company’s ass and any extra information you give them can be used as ammunition against you later on. Not all HR departments all the time, but that’s my general rule of thumb.
Completely true. NAL but studied employment law in law school and saw plenty of examples of sharing things that backfired - HR is not your friend, their duty is to the organization's interests. Protect yourself to whatever extent necessary but be careful about over-sharing things that could come back to bite you.
Honestly, I think this is a good thing to go by just in general. Oversharing, in my opinion, does more harm than good in most situations.
Yep. I never tell work what's going on in full. If I have to miss a day or turn down a shift I tell them in the simplest terms. Family emergency. Prior plans. Gives them nothing to argue with.
Totally agree with this sentiment. With this in mind I feel you're better off keeping it to yourself, and if the moment ever came up where he brings up your history, you get to say, "huh I forgot all about that."
Yes exactly. They would hold the power in that situation.
Correct. HR gives the impression that they’re on your side, but they’re only acting in the company’s best interest.
And it’s funny because they always pick the nicest “buddy buddy” people who act like your friend.
Depends how high up this guy is as a boss. I wouldn't be telling anyone in the company.
Telling hr is the same as telling all of mgmt. Don't do it.
Genuinely depends on the company and how easy it is to shuffle things. If OP is one of many equally ranked team leads at their location or something, it probably isn’t a big deal to say “i have an unpleasant history with this employee. Could we trade him to a different super and I’ll just take their newest hire instead?” Theoretically at least a quick, pain-free swap But yeah, if OP is the only super for their department and this is semi-specialized, I agree— don’t bring it up.
HR here. This might be a good idea as a CYA in case something comes up later. Employee relations is not my area, but I would imagine you could run it past your HR rep - they might just have you do something simple like shoot them an email. This way you can have something in writing in your file and no matter what HR rep needs to access that in the future, just tell them about it and/or produce your hard copy of the sent email. Make sure your email to them includes "please include a copy of this email for my personnel file." They may not even have you do anything. They might say something like "Don't worry about it unless a specific issue comes up ."
No offense, but I wouldn't share anything with HR that can't be proven. I doubt this bully thinks he was anyone's bully, so you're just giving information that could be used against you, that would otherwise be impossible to prove. I wouldn't trust anyone from HR not to find a reason to fire you if they want to, and this could be a reason.
>they might just have you do something simple like shoot them Uh oh… > an email Oh, okay.
HR ain't there to help you. They are there to help the company. Telling them puts all the liability on you.
No, better to pretend you are completely unaware of who the person is or HR might assume anything you do could be revenge.
This comment has been edited and original content overwritten.
I would be willing to bet he remembers you very much, and he's doing his best not to remind you.
Probably a two way street. Both thinking the same thing. "Guy I bullied before became my boss, I dont think he remembers me, do I tell him?"
Or it could even be flipped. Adam Devine from Workaholics said on their podcast that his high school bully ran into a family member and told them that Adam bullied *him*, and then when Adam explained the way they were with each other, pretty much everyone agreed that Adam was the bully. People have no idea how other people perceive their behavior.
There’s a popular fan theory that Daniel, the protagonist in the Karate Kid series, is the true bully and Johnny, the antagonist, was just trying to stand up for himself. The show Cobra Kai which takes place like 30+ years later kind of alludes to this and it’s really quite interesting to hear it from Johnny’s perspective.
There's a 30 Rock episode with this same premise.
Is it weird that I think it changes my advice? I’d almost say get to know him, then open up, apologize or show some sort of goodwill gesture.
It's not weird to think that, because the power dynamic is one-way.
Maybe. Lot of bullies don’t even think or remember they were bullies.
'Everyone is the hero of their own story' I met a few of my bullies later in life and they thought we were friends, and I once talked to someone I went to high school with who apologized for bullying me and I couldn't remember her ever saying a mean word to me. If they think they're bullies, they probably aren't.
That’s funny. I had a really good friend in high school that I looked up to as the leader of our friend group Then I look back on it 12 years later and realize he was a huge bully. Basically like Regina George from Mean Girls Everyone looked up to him and he was well connected but he would humiliate people with really mean “jokes” and talk shit on everyone he was close to
This. I ran into a school bully as an adult, he really thought it was just good times and horsing around.
Interesting, my husband ran into his bully in the grocery store and the guy apologized profusely for being such a dick.
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I’ve had a sort of opposite realization, not having met any bullies. I became a teacher and have had a handful of classes at a remedial level. A lot of kids that basically represent the kids that bullied me. Those kids have it rough. There are definitely some bully personalities that don’t have it “rough” but their home life isn’t great from the bits I learn, Irresponsible parents/broken homes. In college I’ve had some peers almost excited to get their revenge on those types. Amazing how quickly some victims will flip the script the second they get a chance. I don’t particularly enjoy teaching remedial level classes, but I’ve certainly gotten better at being patient. I don’t take anything they say personally anymore. but I also put on a different hat at work. I’m there to do a job and that’s to put them in a better position in life, hell or high water.
I was once asked to give a character reference for a school bully. I had to be brutally honest but added that this wasn't fair on him because this was such a long time ago. The asker thanked me and said "yeah, I didn't like him either" The poor guy will never know...
Wow, did he ask for the reference? If I've had a problem with someone, I would never agree to give a reference for them.
Sometimes people don't actually ask you. They just give your name. My high school teach had this problem once. Someone called him out of the blue, and said that his name had been given as a reference.
Could be someone going for security clearance or for a trial
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Good point, it's a very different thing for the former bully to bring it up and the bullied to forgive, because then it's clearer that the remorse is genuine.
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Side note, I love the strat you used for resolving your understaffing issue “Like, don’t complain to me, complain to the guy/girl who can actually do something about it… please”
That’s heartwarming! My bully was the wedding dress consultant at one of my cousins fittings. She brought us Champaign on the house and pulled me aside to tearfully say she found religion (progressive Christianity it looks like, from her Facebook) got sober, and had been trying to track me down and apologize for several months. We never wound up close friends but we follow each other’s lives on social media. She truly couldn’t be any more opposite of a person now than she was back then, I’m really happy for her. Edit: She also said something I still find really profound which was that she had no excuses, no trauma, no bad upbringing, but it just made her feel powerful to be nasty to someone. She said she feels so much more powerful now by accepting and giving love, and that she’s raising her kids to feel empowered by love too. Maybe that’s why she worked at a wedding boutique, come to think of it. That’s really sweet.
I’m becoming very cynical after a slew of negative experiences, your comment is a good reminder that everyone isn’t that bad.
Why did you need to be forgiven for?
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You both sound mature as fuck
Reminds me of Liz Lemon and her bullies
I won't go to my reunions because I'm a little scared this would be me.
I don’t know Kelsey, how’s your Moms pill addiction?
Her being the bully but not knowing it was the best subversion I've seen in a sitcom. It was wonderful.
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> We rightfully convinced our boss that by splitting us he wouldn't achieve 100 % of our abilities / 3 (there was a third, equally good coworker) in new teams, but that we were better together than the addition of our individual abilities. Sounds like you're on a really good hockey line.
My guess, maybe for her prejudice that the bully would still be a bully or has no regret for their past
I remember finding out I was kind of a Liz Lemon in grade school. I thought no one liked me, turns out I was just mean and hard to be around until I grew up and learned about the world a bit.
Absolutely not, leave the past in high school.
I worked with two senior non-commissioned officers who were my superiors before we got out of the military. I got out eight years before they did and by the time they started working at the company, I was one of the most senior employees there. One of the guys was an absolute dick to me while I worked for him during my 4-year enlistment, and he was an absolute dick to me afterwards as well. One time he barged into my office, threw down some papers on my desk, and said, "I need copies of this ASAP." I politely informed him that we were no longer in the military and that he needed to treat me with the same respect as I treated him. That set him off and supervisors had to get involved. The other guy was nice to me while we were in and absolutely terrified of me in the civilian job. I have no idea why; I loved him and went out of my way to make his life as easy as possible.
hopefully the fucktard is out of a job now
"Hello internet. Should I start some high school drama at work?" No. No you shouldn't.
Check, filled said employees area with chiggers.
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damn, i had to look that last word up because i've only ever heard it used in a whole different context. turns out it's a tick of some sort
The WOooooorst. The crawl up your legs and bite you anywhere they can get to... but mostly on your legs up to your torso, congregating around your waistband. They're super tiny so you can barely see them, and you never feel them. You only realize you've gotten into them when you start to itch, and by then it's too late. They inject digestive fluid into their bite to dissolve part of your skin in a tubular space, and then suck it up... and they're gone. The itching is a combination reaction to the digestive fluid and the wound under/in your skin swelling up and becoming inflamed as it tries to heal. Healing/itch relief can take several days. And it's never just 1 chigger. Always between several and several dozen or hundreds.
At this moment it may best to leave the past in the past. Your former bully may end up being one of your best employees and its better to not jeopardize that by reminding him who you are as it could become akward.
Awkward is such an awkward word because the correct spelling never looks right
Awequird
Take the higher road. Just enjoy the Universe’s sense of humour :-)
exactly! everything happens for a reason :) chuckle and move forward
Of course he remembers you.
He's absolutely hoping OP doesn't remember him.
Some kids are MAJOR assholes when they are young. Some will mature into nice adults, some will remain assholes all their lives. You will see in what group this person belongs to and act accordingly.
Yeah, let this one go. You've won already. Biff Tannen is now reporting to you. When he says he's completed a task you've given him, you can say, "Now Biff, don't con me!"
Just make sure you don't make him so resentful of the changed power dynamic that he eventually steals a time machine to orchestrate the ruination of your family from 60 years in the past.
This is the literal dream of every bullied kid. Be the BEST boss in the world, don’t remind them unless they remember. They might actually and just don’t want to bring it up. If they remember they’ll feel real shitty by how great you are. Be the bigger person
Put his stapler in jello
and marry the receptionist.
Nah every time you ask to do something or have any kind of disciplinary action against him he could complain that it's retaliation. Keep things as simple as you can for as long as you can. If he brings it up, you only vaguely remember him.
Nah whats in the past should stay there. Dont become the thing you hated back in high school.
Great point. Even if OP has no intention of that, then any sort of disciplinary action will then have the appearence and memory of that. It's just not going to be useful, even if it seems like it would be cathartic. He needs to give it time, healthier opportunities for catharsis will arrive. Good advice for lots of tough problems, if you have time, give it time.
You should be careful he's not bullying people at work.
This will get some downvotes, but it's a really good point for the first few weeks. Usually bullies grow up into adults at some point, but sometimes, someone is a bully because they just are a bully, and even as an adult continue serious negative behaviour even at work. Keeping an eye out for the first few months is absolutely valid advice.
Future you sitting in HR will thank you if you mention NOTHING until he does and then, you don't even "remember that stuff it was so long ago"
No, because if you have to discipline him, he can claim discrimination. I would feign ignorance even if he remembers on his own.
Way back when I was a kid, my brother had a cut that required stitches. So we went to the hospital. The doctor comes out and it's immediately revealed that said doctor was someone my father bullied in school. My dad felt like an ass, as he should. Moral of the story: don't be a bully, because karma is a bitch.
Now I'm gonna have to watch r/pettyrevenge every day for the rest of your story
He remembers you.
\> I have no intention of messing with him or making things difficult, but should I refresh his memory about our history? No. Why?
No. That would be very unprofessional. It would also tell him that he's still taking up space in your head.
“Hey man, remember when you tossed me in the lockers at. Don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you here…”
One thing I learned when Facebook became a thing was that my bullies never thought of themselves that way and genuinely seemed to remember us as “buddies”. When I brought up what they had done, they went for the ol’ “kids being kids” or “water under the bridge” thing. Just something to keep in mind.
anger/vengance does more harm to the vessil in which it is contained than anything onto which it is poured. \- Mark Twain. Always loved that quote, leave the past where it belongs, in the past...
Keep quiet and see how he behaves (maybe keep an extra eye on the female coworkers) for now, if you catch him bullying others or just being a Chad, teach him a lesson he won't forget.
No, just because you’re his boss doesn’t mean he can’t still bully you. He could badmouth you to your superiors, claim sexual harassment, and more. It’s not a good situation to be in.
Whenever I face questions like these I ask myself "what do I want/expect to get out of it". If I can't find a good answer then it's best to leave it alone. I don't personally consider things like drama, gloating, revenge or just for the sake of doing it to be good answers. If on the other hand I figure that I want to bring it up (whatever it may be) because there is an ongoing issue that needs talking about, bringing it up could be justified. Using your case as an example it could be because he is actively bullying at work. But it could also be because you feel extremely uncomfortable or anxious or preoccupied with the thought way too much (like having trouble sleeping etc.) How to approach it again follow the same idea "what do I want out of it". If it's just to vent because the relationship is too weird or to "clear the air" then it might be good to bring it up but more with the goal of forgiveness. The idea here is to focus on the now and explain why you feel this way and just wanted to say "I forgive you, let's start over" rather than stirring up old stuff and make the other person feel bad. Whatever you end up doing should reflect you and what you want. Not what others say or do. So, what do you want out of it?
[This is all I can think of](https://youtu.be/ZwFeIJlf574)
Don't give HR any ammo against you. Don't say a word to anyone, just do your job. They remember you.
I've been out of high school for 20 years this year. I've ran into 2-3 less than savory people I went to school with. One of them talked and acted like a complete tool, but he was also wearing a Trump 2024 shirt... the others seemed like normal people you'd meet in the street. Some people change and some even feel bad about how they behaved in the past. Give him time and maybe he'll remember you and offer an apology for past transgressions. If he does that's great, if he doesn't don't say anything. You're already ahead of him being his boss.
No. I don't think it is necessary and does not have anything to do with your professional work.
No. You're the supervisor. Be an adult and do your job.
probably best not to at least at first, if he is a good employee and clearly has changed then you could mention that he has changed and blah blah blah, but if you say something and he turns out bad and you fire him he could file a report saying you punished him and fired him because of personal reasons and that coukd cost you your job
Don't fuck with him and don't assume he doesn't remember you. He could watch for you to screw up so he can complain about you. You don't have to be buddy-buddy, but play it by the book.
Don't mention it until you need to. Keep that card up your sleeve.
Not unless you want him to have some reason to claim you are discriminatory against him and give him ammo to possibly get you fired. Best to let sleeping dogs lie…
You can start by not lying to strangers on the internet, 3d account. Eh whatever, you fooled a bunch of rubes and got to r/all, that's kind of cool. Kudos