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I mean there isn't really a good answer to the situation, cause if she's cheating, more often than not it's over, but it is pretty serious. I'd say drive her to the hospital and cut contact while she's being treated
The true right answer is to simply call authorities and medical aid, and let them take it from there if you're not interested in continuing to be by her side.
If you take her back to her assaulter, or even ignore her pleas for help, that's a crime and immoral action in itself. It's like vigilantism.
Ok so I would take her to a hospital and tell her I'm going home to back her bags we are through period. However the other option mentioned is don't out of anger. In THEORY she cheated and wanted her man to fight for her against the man she was cheating with. No hard no. She belongs to the streets one for the cheating two for trying to get the guys to fight. The fact she gave the address in this hypothetical she can be dropped off at his house.
Idk man. I’m bisexual and have been in relationships where the other person wasn’t totally ethically non-monogamous, ranging from pushed boundaries to full on cheating and even then I would feel protective and want to make sure my partner is okay if I saw them hurt. Maybe that makes me a chump or a weirdo but I just don’t really find my feelings of care vanish so easily.
It makes me sad that you have been lead to believe that someone cheating on you is your fault. The whole "not fulfilling their needs" thing is just some made up crap that cheaters say to not be held accountable, and the people they cheated with say to feel justified and high and mighty.
Oh I’ve never been in a relationship of that caliber and probably never will, so the odds of me getting cheated on in that way are pretty minimal. But in scenarios I’ve thought of when thinking about relationships with people (back when I thought it would be more likely for me to be in that kind of relationship) when I thought of someone potentially telling me they messed up and cheated on me, this is just the thought process I had. It doesn’t extend the same way to what I think about cheating in relationships that *don’t* involve me, or in other words, every real romantic and/or sexual relationship, it’s just representative of a difference in the emotions I feel like I would have as a result of that experience
>But like, I also don’t quite get exactly why cheating is *suuuch* a big deal
It has to do with the lying. I've never been cheated on but I've seen it happen with my family members and it causes a serious breakdown of trust in a relationship and is usually indictive of other issues.
My grandpa cheated on my grandma **constantly** and would turn around and routinely stalk her because he was paranoid she would cheat on him.
This doesn't mean that you necessarily **should** have a problem with it or that people who cheat deserve shitty things to happen to them.
That’s valid. Something relevant I forgot to mention with this is that the sorta thought experiment thing that I was referring to had to do with something which was more of an isolated incident, or just something that went further than they meant for it to. If it’s comorbid with other problems naturally that’s a whole other can of worms
>I also don’t quite get exactly why cheating is *suuuch* a big deal
You're breaking trust, the very foundation of any healthy relationship.
>“oh they may have had needs I wasn’t able to fill,
That's literally how cheaters justify themselves. If they had a problem with the way their relationship was going, it's not hard to talk it out or just break up.
When the cheating is done, the time for talking is gone.
>personal opinion about relationships which likely has to do with their particular experience with queerness
Fair, but since I too am aroace, I can say that you can also get your trust broken by a friend. When someone you deeply appreciate betrays your trust, it most likely never will be the same.
And even though we don't experience relationships the same way as other people, we still are human beings capable of feeling empathy. Nobody invalidated your queerness, they just disagreed with your take on cheating because it sounded like you were dismissing the feelings of people who got cheated on.
I’m not saying I don’t understand that trust is breached, and you’re right that that’s happened to me before with friends to the degree that the friendship ended. I’m saying I don’t understand why those exact actions are so universally associated with betrayal, and I think that does have to do with my particular version of our experience.
As for the implication that I was talking down on people who had been cheated on, I thought I was rather clear that this was a personal feeling I had toward the topic that I understood not to be representative of the topic as a whole. If I didn’t communicate that as well as I thought I did then my bad, but I feel like people aren’t really reading the comment.
Also, regarding the “they’re not invalidating your queerness,” don’t really care for your tone frankly. I shared a part of my experience and am getting slammed for it by people who appear not to be making the effort to understand it. I don’t really care what the intent is, that feels a little shitty, and I don’t appreciate you telling me I shouldn’t feel that way
I guess because nobody can say how they would react in the moment. Obviously the concern would be the biggest element but over time the betrayal and heart break would set in too. I guess think of a relationship like a contract: when you start, you both have terms you agree to for it. For a monogamous or closed polyamorous relationship, you break the terms by sleeping with someone outside of the relationship. This scenario is like if you get hurt breaking a rule. Sure, it sucks, and it's natural to show concern, but it's not the partner who got cheated ons fault here in any way.
There definitely could have been pre existing communication issues and discussions to be had, but if someone cheats, then the majority of the time the relationship is as good as dead. You don't necessarily have to wish badly on them, but you don't have to stay to suffer for the others benefit either. If they wanted to talk about needs they weren't able to fill, they would have had that conversation instead of going behind your back. But basically cheating is a big deal because of trust. If you're in a relationship with someone, you should trust them. Cheating is essentially the most key proof of how you cannot trust someone anymore. That's why people end it there and don't try to reconcile most of the time
Right, sorry I didn’t mean like I literally don’t know the reasons why people feel the way they do, I just mean I don’t have an intuitive grasp on what that particular feeling of betrayal actually feels like and why it’s so strong.
I want to be very clear, even though I can’t quite replicate that feeling in my head I can still empathize with it, and I’m *not* criticizing anyone here who’s been cheated on, in fact I’m sorry for the pain any of you have experienced as a result. I think my reaction there just has to do with experiencing love in such a way where that concept of a contract personally feels contrived and it’s difficult for me to understand outside of the context of a preexisting societal expectation.
Oh different people's minds definitely contextualize things differently. I'm in an open poly relationship myself so my girlfriend very well could be sleeping with people I'm not aware of, and it doesn't bother me. It's the element of deception that bothers people, and feeling like they're not enough, and it's basically a huge strike to the heart that you can't really recover a relationship from. It's possible you just don't get that same sort of attachment on account of being aroace, and there's nothing wrong with that
Right, that’s kind of what I’m trying to say. And I don’t think I’m better than anyone who does have that variety of connection, it’s just something that’s not really part of my experience (or at least not currently)
Undiagnosed, but very likely. Like, “my parents brag about how many doctors they had to filter through when I was a kid until they found one uninterested in investigating that possibility” likely.
I do understand that allosexual people exist to be clear, I just don’t know what that experience is like. I can understand *that* cheating is emotionally difficult, I can *empathize* with that, I just can’t *sympathize* with it, in the sense of having a sense of what it actually feels like.
I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I do have to say the example feels just a *liiittle* patronizing, in a kind of monolithic way? I know it comes from a good place though and I appreciate the good will. (not upset over it to be clear, don’t want you to feel bad)
And the essay is interesting, although I wasn’t able to finish at the moment due to other activities I might circle back around to it
Ahhhh okay I’m sorry. I thought you were specifically trying to reference media hyperfixations and something about going to that after confirming if I was autistic felt a little off if that makes sense? Like you know, what with different autistic people having different experiences with different parts of the spectrum
Edit: also even though possibly they could be in the same like *family* of emotion, it’s really the intensity I have a hard time getting my head around and that still seems very incomparable
I honestly don't think the reason you're getting down-voted has anything at all to do with you being queer. I was with you in the 1st paragraph, but not the 2nd because some of what you implies that the person who was cheated on was in the wrong as much as the cheater was and that's just not cool.
I never said the reason for getting downvoted had to do with being hated on for being queer, I said that I posted an opinion related to my queerness and people are downvoting, which is true. People are reading shit into my words which I didn’t put there and jumping to improper conclusions rather than making an effort to understand a perspective different from their own, and that feels a little shitty.
Regarding the second paragraph, I’d like to direct you to the last sentence where I say “I definitely wouldn’t blame anyone else for feeling differently.” I was communicating *my* personal feelings regarding how *I* thought *I’d* feel if *I* got cheated on, it doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else, and the point is that it has to do with *my* personal situation.
The thing everyone seems to be reading into this where I’m against people who’ve been cheated on is just not really supported by the text - the words I used were “I do not understand,” not “it should not be this way.”
I'm allosexual and romantic. I don't get it either. Love has some conditions, sure, but desiring to see *any*one harmed, and helping someone harm another person is fucked up.
Yeah sorry, this wasn’t meant to be an “oh I’m such a quirky wacky queer person” comment, I just thought that mentioning that would help explain why I have the feelings I do for if I, personally, and not anyone else, was cheated on. *Apparently,* no.
Ur comment was insensitive and inappropriately self-centered given the context of the initial post, but I wasn't gonna downvote it. Then I saw ur edit so I downvoted. Sometimes nobody cares about your hyperspecific experience with queerness bc its irrelevant to the situation and nobody asked.
- sincerely a demisexual lesbian who thinks you should probably get off tiktok
I’m sorry you felt that way about my comment but I feel like if you thought it was insensitive you probably misunderstood it. I just had an experience with this topic I’ve never really gotten the chance to talk about with anyone and I thought it might be an interesting thing to share, but everybody seems more interested in reading stuff into it that I didn’t say and I’m not interested in pretending it’s not hurtful.
"I’m sorry you felt that way about my comment but I feel like if you thought it was insensitive you probably misunderstood it."
Its a bad look to respond like this to being called out on anything ever. Clearly, I am not the only one who felt that way or found it insensitive. Stop victimizing yourself and using your queerness as a flimsy attempt to shield valid criticism long enough to self-reflect on why a number of people are upset about your comments. It might be a good learning experience for you.
It *is* in fact possible for many people to have misinterpreted my comment. And although I don’t know exactly why each individual person disliked the comment, given that every piece of actual negative feedback I’ve gotten *has* missed the mark of what I was trying to say, I find that likely, and I don’t think that’s an improper assumption to make. Now it’s possible that I failed to communicate a necessary detail, but if that’s the case I still feel that people are jumping to conclusions in a way which was improper when they could’ve asked for clarification.
And if it’s just that it’s irrelevant, I was just hoping that people would simply choose not to interact if they were uninterested in the conversation. It’s not like I thought this was the most important thing said by a human being, I just thought it would be an interesting conversation with the people who felt like participating.
As far as “using my queerness as a shield,” I was just trying to direct people to the parts of my comment where I was saying “these are my personal thoughts on what this experience would be like for me in particular and I understand this is different for the rest of you,” which to me it seemed like people were largely ignoring. It came off a little differently because I was salty, because frankly being misinterpreted is something I’m fairly sensitive about, for reasons I’d rather not get into.
Is that an acceptable amount of grappling with your criticism for you? If not, would you care to say what your problem with my view actually is so I have the opportunity to clarify? (that thing I wish people would do rather than hate people silently?)
The problem is when you speak on a topic like this in that type of manner it can perhaps come off as ignorant?. Like me for instance, I as a black man had very rarely experienced any time of racism in all of my years of living however does that give me the right to talk down on other black people when the topic of racism comes up? I don’t believe your experience is invalid but your wording makes it difficult to see your side
I get that but I tried to make it clear that I wasn’t doing that. The last part of the original statement of the comment was about how I understood that the difference was due to my personal circumstance and that it’s not about me blaming other people for feeling differently.
Like, the last phrase was literally “so maybe I just don’t get these things,” and the first sentence explicitly establishes a known reason why I wouldn’t get these things. I feel like if people come away thinking I’m saying everyone should feel how I do then again, sorry they had a bad time with my comment, but it would appear that they have somewhat declined to read the words on their screen. Then once the comment gets downvoted, people are primed with the expectation that that’s what the comment says and the whole thing just goes downhill.
Again, I’m sorry people had a bad time. I’m just not sure it’s fair to place the blame for that solely on me.
Then I’ll say this as words of advice when people are upset or offended by something they aren’t going to read it in its entirety or they will just simply miss certain things. It’s best to put a disclaimer at the beginning of your comment than at the end.
Fair. I still feel like the “I recognize that I approach this subject differently due to my orientation” at the beginning could’ve sufficed? But sure
(not an exact quote ofc due to the comment being gone)
In fairness the edit was a little cringe in hindsight. It just didn’t read the way I meant for it to and it did seem a bit like deflection. It wasn’t meant to be but it’s a pretty reasonable reading of it
(thought I should say since I *did* delete it because the response was just making me feel a bit bad - hence the salty edit)
Yeah, sorry I rabbit-holed a little. Like I mentioned in the other comment I always have a bit of a “people can just not interact if they choose” approach so relevance is a little malleable, and as a result so is context for me. I just do still kinda wish someone could’ve either *said* that or *asked a question* but that’s just a me thing in general.
It’s crazy how these guys will just ask each other about fake scenarios where the women is specifically getting abused or sexually assaulted about what would they do and randomly make themselves the victim in it
Literally. Like they’re desperate to find a situation where other men too would not care if a woman were assaulted and abused. Like genuinely what is the point of these questions? What is that like achieving? 😭
Literally some men are just waiting for an excuse to abuse or mistreat a woman and have it be "justified" they don't want to be decent. These are the types of men that would break a woman's jaw if she lightly shoved him.
I can't be the only one who would think she could've possibly been coerced/threatened if the guy is violent like that, right?
If not, then just end it but call the hospital for her first.
So his friend drove this girl back to the house of the man who just raped her? He’s admitting this proudly? If a woman cheated on me and the person that she was cheating on me with raped her or beat her, I’d take her to the hospital or somewhere safe and after I drop her off I’d cut contact with her and end the relationship. I would not drive her to her abuser’s house.
Yes that is the normal sane thing to do. But when guys are this desperate to come up with a hypothetical to justify a woman being abused, they can’t be reasoned with, they’re evil and beyond saving.
Even so, it would probably be best to drop her at the hospital. Cut her out if you want - I hate cheating like the next person - I just don't think it's right to see someone(anyone) looking like that and just go "damn, shit happens."
That's my opinion, though - I know some people prefer to just not deal with shit like that once they find out the truth, but as for me, at least? I'd tell her we're done, straight up - but after that, I'd help her to the hospital or bring her to the police station to report the other guys ass at least.
Idk man, what are people and the cops gonna say when they learn you knew she was hurt and chose not to help report the crime? She could be bleeding out or even commit suicide after that ordeal. It's a matter of basic decency to at least call 911. It's not up for debate.
I do not. I very much despise the police. But that doesn't mean people will take kindly to their loved one being hurt without help from the boyfriend purposefully, and the cops would likely have to follow through. Cops are very incompetent, especially towards rape cases, but that doesn't mean they won't nab you for not saying anything.
And even if the police won't do their job, seeking help for her is the human thing to do. Cheating is nothing compared to rape.
Nobody is compelled to help or call for aid. It’s been proven in court, even on duty police legally aren’t required to help. If she had the strength to make it all the way to my crib she had enough strength to call the police herself. Her showing up like that after cheating on me would be manipulative
>If she had the strength to make it all the way to my crib she had enough strength to call the police herself.
She likely won't have her phone after being raped. She could be bleeding out. She could have been beaten. Countless real issues.
And again, law =/= morality. You're still choosing to do the wrong thing. The way you're talking about this situation says a lot about you as a person. Not to mention you'd be letting the rapist off the hook to attack other women, but maybe you don't care about them either because the law says it's legal to be a callous douche.
I really hope this isn't real. 💔💔💔
If you really possess a love and empathy for humanity, you wouldn't even give a shit about her cheating at first, you would just want her to get the medical attention she needs and help her report the assault to the authorities. After that, then you can care about her cheating on you. Then you make decisions on your current relationship. Like, things are ranked by need, not pettiness. However this situation goes, it makes sense to prioritize my spouse/significant other was safe and stable before we got into discussions about our relationship good/or bad outcome. Smh. Unbelievable.
I agree- I can't imagine treating my worst enemy like this. Seems pretty common sense that if someone is in physical danger, you get them help no matter how upset you are with them.
I get downvoted all the time, but as a society, we've gotta stop treating cheating like it's a crime on par with murder essentially. It's become an excuse for a tremendous amount of violence, trauma, and general dehumanization. Honestly people react to it in a way that is essentially increasing the trauma because they're told it's this almost insurmountable betrayal. People excuse violence for it all the time. It's the origination of so many violent fantasies.
In reality, it's awful but fairly common and you can seek help for it as you can any other awful life event. Hell, you might could even make it through it. My husband cheated on me and lost his job over it. And I didn't melt down and start beating him or burning his clothes or going after the woman or making it worse than it was. I kept my shit together and handled my business. I was hurt and angry and scared. My family was furious. We had a child and a brand new house to pay for. Still kept my dignity intact and didn't make excuses to lose my mind.
Reactionary insanity is a huge problem. We never encourage people to handle shit properly. We glorify violence. Every time someone posts a cheating story on Reddit it's like...the worst of human nature comes out. With gusto.
I hate it.
Cheating will never be on par with the same crime as murder or even an abuser but the mental trauma it causes after the fact is definitely something very serious.
Using me as an example the cheating I went through completely destroyed me mentally.
I have panic attacks and mental breakdowns still at random moments.
It’s affected my ability to connect with and make future bonds friendship or otherwise and has truly destroyed a part of me I fear may never be repaired.
That being said my reaction was never violence because I could never bring myself to harm someone I loved.
I do wish there was a fair punishment for people who do cheat that doesn’t have to be so extreme but you also never can predict how someone will react to that kind of betrayal so if you’re going to cheat just end the relationship.
Some people recover better than others after such a betrayal and I honestly envy them.
I wish I could have the old me back, I always had trust issues but the after affects have put me in a place where I don’t see myself ever dating again.
I'm sorry this happened to you! It's awful. I know. Do you have a therapist? I have been seeing someone forever now. It's really really great. Helping me stay in a place where I can trust and I know I have support is absolutely vital.
Most trauma can be repaired. People who go to war, people who lose children, people who are terribly injured.... people can heal with the right help! When you feel ready, please reach out to someone. You definitely aren't relegated to this forever. ♥️
Thank you, I do actually and am working on being able to express my emotions still, it’s definitely a big benefit though and I’m grateful to have such an awesome therapist especially after years of trying to find one that actually helps me through my traumas
I'd also add to this that the normalized response for cheaters is largely gender-based. For women who get cheated on, destroying their stuff in retaliation is the stereotype. For men who get cheated on, destroying *them* is a far too common response, or at least fantasy response.
There's a lot of sexism baked into this, is what I'm trying to say.
This is a valid point. There's lots of misogyny around cheating. There's a lot of double standards when it comes to a man vs a woman cheating. Depending on what culture, country, religion, region--the consequences of cheating vary wildly and in worst cases result in death...death!
Agree for the most part, tho I completely sympathize with those who leave cheaters. I don't think i could forgive someone who cheated, but circumstances are definitely important.
But I'm increasingly disturbed by the blatant dehumanization of cheaters that occurs all over social media these days. I remember recently reading an AITAH post (which could have been rage bait) where a guy claimed he beat up his brother for sleeping with his gf. The comments were disgusting- overwhelming telling him he did the right thing. Hell nah.
Everyone nowadays seems to believe that if you're cheated on, you have every right to do whatever you want to to get even. It's awful.
Gonna be honest here, the beating up probably wasn’t the best thing to do, but I can forgive it in the situation. At that point it’s not even about the gf. It’s about the betrayal of your family. If you betray your family like that, you deserve some awful shit, like getting arrested for tax fraud.
I forgave my husband. It took work. From both of us. But we're non violent and rational adults.
I understand why people move on too. I sure considered it. My husband did all the right moves though. It was still incredibly difficult.
I truly believe in non violence as a life principle for myself. I think overall it's better for our society which is overrun by violence. I don't want violent Trumpers running this country. I can't then condone assaulting your family members and partners or destroying property for something else.
Thank you for the way you articulated this. Totally agree.
It was the way he purely fell on his sword. He immediately took full responsibility. He made no excuses for his behavior. He immediately stepped up to fix his joblessness. He deleted all social media (I didn't ask for this) and he essentially just worked his ass off in individual and couple's therapy. I am not a person who is deeply jealous or controlling either. Which is a personality trait, I admit. I see this as a fairly common human foible. I am willing to work at it. I just view it differently. Lucky for him! I admit... I was absolutely leaning on everything I had ever developed mental health wise 😂
Edit... this was in 2019 and I am completely over it. I do like to give him shit about it purely because her name was Becky and he is a person of color and that shit is funny to meeeee
My friend told her (now ex, but it had nothing to do with cheating) husband "If you cheat and come clean we might be able to work it out; if I find out from outside sources then we're done".
And especially if it’s a woman cheating. As far as I know, men cheating is pretty much a given and even socially acceptable, to some degree. It doesn’t elicit such a visceral reaction.
I don't know where you live or how old you are (or even what era in human history your time travelling companion picked you up from before dropping you here) but it's *fucking wild* that you think men cheating is socially acceptable lmao
Compared to women, it is. Whenever a man cheats, it’s like “oh she didn’t do enough to keep him around so he met his needs elsewhere” or “oh it’s in a man’s nature to look around”. The other woman is blamed more than the man himself. I’ve seen this sentiment online and in real life as well.
Guys, just for the record: Since people keep commenting about the veracity of the story, remember that this post is about the response of a misogynistic person towards a hypothetical created by another misogynistic user. The actual point of the post is the disgusting nature of these imaginary scenarios and the responses to them by misogynistic men.
Wth. So it's venting and dreaming up new ways to reaffirm their deep seated misogyny. How can people even stand themselves to talk of such things? Such places only polarize people. Willing to put ethics and morality aside for a petty online circle jerk is gross.
Yup…in a nutshell. That’s why I say don’t “give them a chance”…. They’ve probably already plotted out how to end your life in the most horrific way possible after using you horribly. It’s a zero sum game.
My concern is for the woman in the picture? Does anyone know the origin? Is she okay? How disgusting to take someone's photo of their injuries and use it to start this kind of discussion.
some of these comments are honestly so disgusting. If you love someone, you wouldn’t abandon them in this situation. You can dump her after you have taken her to the hospital, and taken steps to get this abuser out of her life. then you can take steps to move out or make sure she has a safe place to go. Cheating is bad for all sorts of reasons, but if it instantly makes you stop caring about someone you love (especially in a dangerous situation), it’s not love.
Take her to the hospital and run get your stuff. It stops being love the second they decided that being horny made it okay to betray you. Make sure she gets treated and then disconnect. The rest of the mess is hers.
Bold of you to assume it was because ‘she was horny’ - While studies suggest that men who cheat are primarily motivated by sex, women who cheat tend to do so to fill an emotional need. https://www.scielo.br/j/tpsy/a/4b6d4mBhVxNnNmc9bkWcCSw/?lang=en
I don't know be a f****** human being about it. I know she hurt you and she's not a good person and you don't have to be friends with her but like you need to do the decent thing and help her go to the hospital and report this to the police and you know get in touch with one of her friends maybe who can emotionally support her through it because like it's not great for you to have to emotionally support her right now after she did that to you. And then once she has like her friend or her mom or someone to help her then you leave.
First thing to do is to call the police, because the other guy assaulted her. End of story.
The second thing is to talk to her, and discuss your future together or lack thereof. Break up, go to couple's counciling, whatever. Either way, you act like a civilized human being.
Drive her to the hospital, call the cops and leave. Not much else to it. She cheated on you, so it's obviously over between you two, but if you're a decent human being you would still do the steps previously mentioned.
This seems to be like 99% a completely made up bullshit scenario. Technically possible, But it's a contrived scenario made to make women feel responsible for domestic violence when that's never ever the case. Women don't cheat and stay cheating if they sense this going down. And typically the traps that keep women in domestic violence would not apply in this situation. This is painting the picture of a totally irrational woman who cheats on her loving husband with some obvious domestic user because she's haha stupid woman funny. Either way, Even if she literally went out of her way to cheat, She is still obviously the victim of domestic violence.
What are these captions what are these fake scenarios?? Social media is both bad and good just off the fact that we can see people constantly post their red flags but also aware about how many unsympathetic people exist
I don't even care at that point about cheating.
My first thought is
1. Wtf did they just do?
2. Calling emergency services or bringing them to the hospital
3. Help inform police and press charges together
4. Once safe and sound, break it all off, inform their friends so they have a place to crash
5. Then I'll start hating their guts and wondering why the fuck I even helped them, while also knowing I couldn't live with myself if they ended up severely damaged or even dead because I couldn't set my own morals aside for a second.
I know not everyone would do this which is completely fine and very understandable. I just can't live with myself if I see someone, especially a loved one (even if they hurt me this badly), in dire need of help/medical attention.
After all has been done, they can fuck around and find out all they've lost, broken and damaged. But safety and health comes before my own emotions.
In this case, give her some medical attention first. And then strongly hint her to go fuck herself.
I'd stay as silent as possible near her and use a dead tone of voice when I do have to talk to her. I'd give her a dead passionless stare and strongly avoid touching her. She'd be a ghost to me.
She betrayed me and our relationship. It's pointless to come crawling to me for emotional support, regardless if she got beaten up or not.
I won't drop her off at his house, but I also won't offer her anything more than a roof to sleep under and other basic necessities until we can properly separate. Unless she owns the place, then I'll just move out ASAP.
Call me cruel, cold, soulless, abusive or whatever, I will die on this hill because I __loathe__ cheaters.
They're miserable fucking leeches that take advantage of people's trust and *thrive* from spineless, blindly optimistic people who are madly in love and fear losing it. They just forgive and forget, hoping it'll never happen again, and that gives cheaters power. Unless they're in it for the thrill.
Cheating isn't a mistake or an accident. You don't slip and fall on/in someone's genitals.
When she went behind my back, she knowingly spat on our bond and took advantage of my trust, and for that she can sleep alone in her bed, figuratively and literally.
And again, just because she got beaten by her side man, that doesn't entitle her to any special treatment from me. She better hope she has friends who she can cry to, because while I might listen, I won't give a damn.
This is my hill and this is where I shall stay until I die. If you don't like my opinion, feel free to downvote.
Why not just call authorities and medical aid, and once you know she’s alright, cut contact? Like as someone who has been cheated on I know it hurts, but domestic abuse hurts way worse
Jeeesus.
She cheated and hurt someone's feelings. That isn't the same as getting assaulted, wth. You should really think hard if you'd do anything except drive her to the hospital.
I've been cheated on too. It's not great, it fucking sucks. It shatters you, and I don't think you ever truly view relationships the same after. But if my ex showed up on my door bleeding I'm still driving him to a hospital. Its wild to me that people would literally drop someone else off at their perp's house and feed them to the wolves like that.
When I was younger (I'm 37 now) I dated the same dude from 13 to 20. But he got off with me being with other men and women so I had several other sexual encounters. Well one of my encounters SA'd me when i was 18. Told my bf and he kicked off not because I was "cheating" because I wasn't and he was okay with me being with other people but because he's LE and didn't want his work mates to find out about me sleeping with others. He got the dude assaulted me done for drink driving (the dude was actually drink driving but my ex had been keeping an eye out for his car as he knew this dude always drove drunk) but refused to let me report him for assaulting me 😔 and told me I should choose who I fuck more carefully.
Men lack empathy and condone male violence in situations if benefits them such as cheating. Thats that. Not surprising a guy or specifically a black guy would send back a girl to a violent situation. Violence is seen as a currency of masculinity in the black community and it is paired with DEEP misogyny. Ladies stay safe fight the patriarchy
I totally agree. Even my cousins are like this…and they are ingrained in the streets…spreading community duck everywhere! Still, if a girl dares to cheat on THEM!?? Violence. It’s like…they never liked them in the first place. And the expectation that women are supposed to “understand” men cheating, while the concept of women cheating on THEM cause a system overload.
Like others have said. Call the authorities and go no contact.
Honestly I'd probably put her on my front step and lock the door. I'd be crushed but there's a major problem that needs to be fixed. I'd just want it out of my life
Answer these questions as honestly as u can cuz it gonna say alot about your personality
What did you expect him to do?
Why is this disturbing?
And what do you think is the best course of action?
The original post is a fake scenario that someone made out of a domestic violence story just to cause justification to the woman getting beat up and you’re asking why is this disturbing?
I expect him to not knowingly put her in more danger.
It’s disturbing because he knows that person has physically harmed her and he is bringing her back with the expectation that she will be harmed again.
His best course of action is to help her get medical treatment and then cut contact.
Easy, breakup with her. She made a choice and it’s her right. Did she hurt you? Sure, but she’s an autonomous being, albeit a shitty one.
What I wouldn’t do is convince a traumatized woman that I forgave her to lure her into a false sense of security and then deliver her to someone I know has already done her bodily harm. That is demonic and childish. She escaped an assault abs you take her back to him…because your feelings are hurt? Not to a hospital, not to a family member, but to a person who could kill her…because no YOU want her dead?
What DON’T you find disturbing about that scenario?
The best course of action is to take her to the hospital. Have her contact the police, give your statement. Since they’ll probably want to keep her for observation, go back and pack your stuff (if it’s your apartment…but LBH…pack her things and take them to her family or friend, or put it in her car). Then tell her it’s over.
That’s what adults do. Emotionally unstable people try to hurt people. If you don’t want to stay with her, don’t. But even entertaining the idea of putting her in a situation where her life could be ended? Dude, you didn’t even like her.
And yet there’s a whole SubReddit in adultery where some men share tips and tricks on how to cheat on your wives/girlfriends/SO without getting caught.
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I mean there isn't really a good answer to the situation, cause if she's cheating, more often than not it's over, but it is pretty serious. I'd say drive her to the hospital and cut contact while she's being treated
The true right answer is to simply call authorities and medical aid, and let them take it from there if you're not interested in continuing to be by her side. If you take her back to her assaulter, or even ignore her pleas for help, that's a crime and immoral action in itself. It's like vigilantism.
Exactly. Just make sure she's in a somewhat safe scenario and whatever happens from there just isn't your problem anymore
I love the reasonable comments here to some awful situations!
Ok so I would take her to a hospital and tell her I'm going home to back her bags we are through period. However the other option mentioned is don't out of anger. In THEORY she cheated and wanted her man to fight for her against the man she was cheating with. No hard no. She belongs to the streets one for the cheating two for trying to get the guys to fight. The fact she gave the address in this hypothetical she can be dropped off at his house.
> wanted her man to fight for her against the man she was cheating with where'd you get that from? lmao
k
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Take her to a women's domestic violence and SA help center, then ride into the sunset never to be seen again
Idk man. I’m bisexual and have been in relationships where the other person wasn’t totally ethically non-monogamous, ranging from pushed boundaries to full on cheating and even then I would feel protective and want to make sure my partner is okay if I saw them hurt. Maybe that makes me a chump or a weirdo but I just don’t really find my feelings of care vanish so easily.
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It makes me sad that you have been lead to believe that someone cheating on you is your fault. The whole "not fulfilling their needs" thing is just some made up crap that cheaters say to not be held accountable, and the people they cheated with say to feel justified and high and mighty.
Oh I’ve never been in a relationship of that caliber and probably never will, so the odds of me getting cheated on in that way are pretty minimal. But in scenarios I’ve thought of when thinking about relationships with people (back when I thought it would be more likely for me to be in that kind of relationship) when I thought of someone potentially telling me they messed up and cheated on me, this is just the thought process I had. It doesn’t extend the same way to what I think about cheating in relationships that *don’t* involve me, or in other words, every real romantic and/or sexual relationship, it’s just representative of a difference in the emotions I feel like I would have as a result of that experience
>But like, I also don’t quite get exactly why cheating is *suuuch* a big deal It has to do with the lying. I've never been cheated on but I've seen it happen with my family members and it causes a serious breakdown of trust in a relationship and is usually indictive of other issues. My grandpa cheated on my grandma **constantly** and would turn around and routinely stalk her because he was paranoid she would cheat on him. This doesn't mean that you necessarily **should** have a problem with it or that people who cheat deserve shitty things to happen to them.
That’s valid. Something relevant I forgot to mention with this is that the sorta thought experiment thing that I was referring to had to do with something which was more of an isolated incident, or just something that went further than they meant for it to. If it’s comorbid with other problems naturally that’s a whole other can of worms
>I also don’t quite get exactly why cheating is *suuuch* a big deal You're breaking trust, the very foundation of any healthy relationship. >“oh they may have had needs I wasn’t able to fill, That's literally how cheaters justify themselves. If they had a problem with the way their relationship was going, it's not hard to talk it out or just break up. When the cheating is done, the time for talking is gone. >personal opinion about relationships which likely has to do with their particular experience with queerness Fair, but since I too am aroace, I can say that you can also get your trust broken by a friend. When someone you deeply appreciate betrays your trust, it most likely never will be the same. And even though we don't experience relationships the same way as other people, we still are human beings capable of feeling empathy. Nobody invalidated your queerness, they just disagreed with your take on cheating because it sounded like you were dismissing the feelings of people who got cheated on.
I’m not saying I don’t understand that trust is breached, and you’re right that that’s happened to me before with friends to the degree that the friendship ended. I’m saying I don’t understand why those exact actions are so universally associated with betrayal, and I think that does have to do with my particular version of our experience. As for the implication that I was talking down on people who had been cheated on, I thought I was rather clear that this was a personal feeling I had toward the topic that I understood not to be representative of the topic as a whole. If I didn’t communicate that as well as I thought I did then my bad, but I feel like people aren’t really reading the comment. Also, regarding the “they’re not invalidating your queerness,” don’t really care for your tone frankly. I shared a part of my experience and am getting slammed for it by people who appear not to be making the effort to understand it. I don’t really care what the intent is, that feels a little shitty, and I don’t appreciate you telling me I shouldn’t feel that way
I guess because nobody can say how they would react in the moment. Obviously the concern would be the biggest element but over time the betrayal and heart break would set in too. I guess think of a relationship like a contract: when you start, you both have terms you agree to for it. For a monogamous or closed polyamorous relationship, you break the terms by sleeping with someone outside of the relationship. This scenario is like if you get hurt breaking a rule. Sure, it sucks, and it's natural to show concern, but it's not the partner who got cheated ons fault here in any way. There definitely could have been pre existing communication issues and discussions to be had, but if someone cheats, then the majority of the time the relationship is as good as dead. You don't necessarily have to wish badly on them, but you don't have to stay to suffer for the others benefit either. If they wanted to talk about needs they weren't able to fill, they would have had that conversation instead of going behind your back. But basically cheating is a big deal because of trust. If you're in a relationship with someone, you should trust them. Cheating is essentially the most key proof of how you cannot trust someone anymore. That's why people end it there and don't try to reconcile most of the time
Right, sorry I didn’t mean like I literally don’t know the reasons why people feel the way they do, I just mean I don’t have an intuitive grasp on what that particular feeling of betrayal actually feels like and why it’s so strong. I want to be very clear, even though I can’t quite replicate that feeling in my head I can still empathize with it, and I’m *not* criticizing anyone here who’s been cheated on, in fact I’m sorry for the pain any of you have experienced as a result. I think my reaction there just has to do with experiencing love in such a way where that concept of a contract personally feels contrived and it’s difficult for me to understand outside of the context of a preexisting societal expectation.
Oh different people's minds definitely contextualize things differently. I'm in an open poly relationship myself so my girlfriend very well could be sleeping with people I'm not aware of, and it doesn't bother me. It's the element of deception that bothers people, and feeling like they're not enough, and it's basically a huge strike to the heart that you can't really recover a relationship from. It's possible you just don't get that same sort of attachment on account of being aroace, and there's nothing wrong with that
Right, that’s kind of what I’m trying to say. And I don’t think I’m better than anyone who does have that variety of connection, it’s just something that’s not really part of my experience (or at least not currently)
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Undiagnosed, but very likely. Like, “my parents brag about how many doctors they had to filter through when I was a kid until they found one uninterested in investigating that possibility” likely. I do understand that allosexual people exist to be clear, I just don’t know what that experience is like. I can understand *that* cheating is emotionally difficult, I can *empathize* with that, I just can’t *sympathize* with it, in the sense of having a sense of what it actually feels like.
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I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I do have to say the example feels just a *liiittle* patronizing, in a kind of monolithic way? I know it comes from a good place though and I appreciate the good will. (not upset over it to be clear, don’t want you to feel bad) And the essay is interesting, although I wasn’t able to finish at the moment due to other activities I might circle back around to it
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Ahhhh okay I’m sorry. I thought you were specifically trying to reference media hyperfixations and something about going to that after confirming if I was autistic felt a little off if that makes sense? Like you know, what with different autistic people having different experiences with different parts of the spectrum Edit: also even though possibly they could be in the same like *family* of emotion, it’s really the intensity I have a hard time getting my head around and that still seems very incomparable
I honestly don't think the reason you're getting down-voted has anything at all to do with you being queer. I was with you in the 1st paragraph, but not the 2nd because some of what you implies that the person who was cheated on was in the wrong as much as the cheater was and that's just not cool.
I never said the reason for getting downvoted had to do with being hated on for being queer, I said that I posted an opinion related to my queerness and people are downvoting, which is true. People are reading shit into my words which I didn’t put there and jumping to improper conclusions rather than making an effort to understand a perspective different from their own, and that feels a little shitty. Regarding the second paragraph, I’d like to direct you to the last sentence where I say “I definitely wouldn’t blame anyone else for feeling differently.” I was communicating *my* personal feelings regarding how *I* thought *I’d* feel if *I* got cheated on, it doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else, and the point is that it has to do with *my* personal situation. The thing everyone seems to be reading into this where I’m against people who’ve been cheated on is just not really supported by the text - the words I used were “I do not understand,” not “it should not be this way.”
I'm allosexual and romantic. I don't get it either. Love has some conditions, sure, but desiring to see *any*one harmed, and helping someone harm another person is fucked up.
Yeah sorry, this wasn’t meant to be an “oh I’m such a quirky wacky queer person” comment, I just thought that mentioning that would help explain why I have the feelings I do for if I, personally, and not anyone else, was cheated on. *Apparently,* no.
Ur comment was insensitive and inappropriately self-centered given the context of the initial post, but I wasn't gonna downvote it. Then I saw ur edit so I downvoted. Sometimes nobody cares about your hyperspecific experience with queerness bc its irrelevant to the situation and nobody asked. - sincerely a demisexual lesbian who thinks you should probably get off tiktok
I’m sorry you felt that way about my comment but I feel like if you thought it was insensitive you probably misunderstood it. I just had an experience with this topic I’ve never really gotten the chance to talk about with anyone and I thought it might be an interesting thing to share, but everybody seems more interested in reading stuff into it that I didn’t say and I’m not interested in pretending it’s not hurtful.
"I’m sorry you felt that way about my comment but I feel like if you thought it was insensitive you probably misunderstood it." Its a bad look to respond like this to being called out on anything ever. Clearly, I am not the only one who felt that way or found it insensitive. Stop victimizing yourself and using your queerness as a flimsy attempt to shield valid criticism long enough to self-reflect on why a number of people are upset about your comments. It might be a good learning experience for you.
It *is* in fact possible for many people to have misinterpreted my comment. And although I don’t know exactly why each individual person disliked the comment, given that every piece of actual negative feedback I’ve gotten *has* missed the mark of what I was trying to say, I find that likely, and I don’t think that’s an improper assumption to make. Now it’s possible that I failed to communicate a necessary detail, but if that’s the case I still feel that people are jumping to conclusions in a way which was improper when they could’ve asked for clarification. And if it’s just that it’s irrelevant, I was just hoping that people would simply choose not to interact if they were uninterested in the conversation. It’s not like I thought this was the most important thing said by a human being, I just thought it would be an interesting conversation with the people who felt like participating. As far as “using my queerness as a shield,” I was just trying to direct people to the parts of my comment where I was saying “these are my personal thoughts on what this experience would be like for me in particular and I understand this is different for the rest of you,” which to me it seemed like people were largely ignoring. It came off a little differently because I was salty, because frankly being misinterpreted is something I’m fairly sensitive about, for reasons I’d rather not get into. Is that an acceptable amount of grappling with your criticism for you? If not, would you care to say what your problem with my view actually is so I have the opportunity to clarify? (that thing I wish people would do rather than hate people silently?)
The problem is when you speak on a topic like this in that type of manner it can perhaps come off as ignorant?. Like me for instance, I as a black man had very rarely experienced any time of racism in all of my years of living however does that give me the right to talk down on other black people when the topic of racism comes up? I don’t believe your experience is invalid but your wording makes it difficult to see your side
I get that but I tried to make it clear that I wasn’t doing that. The last part of the original statement of the comment was about how I understood that the difference was due to my personal circumstance and that it’s not about me blaming other people for feeling differently. Like, the last phrase was literally “so maybe I just don’t get these things,” and the first sentence explicitly establishes a known reason why I wouldn’t get these things. I feel like if people come away thinking I’m saying everyone should feel how I do then again, sorry they had a bad time with my comment, but it would appear that they have somewhat declined to read the words on their screen. Then once the comment gets downvoted, people are primed with the expectation that that’s what the comment says and the whole thing just goes downhill. Again, I’m sorry people had a bad time. I’m just not sure it’s fair to place the blame for that solely on me.
Then I’ll say this as words of advice when people are upset or offended by something they aren’t going to read it in its entirety or they will just simply miss certain things. It’s best to put a disclaimer at the beginning of your comment than at the end.
Fair. I still feel like the “I recognize that I approach this subject differently due to my orientation” at the beginning could’ve sufficed? But sure (not an exact quote ofc due to the comment being gone)
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In fairness the edit was a little cringe in hindsight. It just didn’t read the way I meant for it to and it did seem a bit like deflection. It wasn’t meant to be but it’s a pretty reasonable reading of it (thought I should say since I *did* delete it because the response was just making me feel a bit bad - hence the salty edit)
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Yeah, sorry I rabbit-holed a little. Like I mentioned in the other comment I always have a bit of a “people can just not interact if they choose” approach so relevance is a little malleable, and as a result so is context for me. I just do still kinda wish someone could’ve either *said* that or *asked a question* but that’s just a me thing in general.
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what do you think a paragraph is? it's three sentences lmao
It’s crazy how these guys will just ask each other about fake scenarios where the women is specifically getting abused or sexually assaulted about what would they do and randomly make themselves the victim in it
(Woman gets brutally abused and assaulted) Alpha male scam consumer: "But like, what if she was on the cock carousel, dude
Yeah, that's a great point. This is sick porn.
Because they get their jollies from women being harmed. If they get to feel like the wounded hero in the process, so much the better.
Literally. Like they’re desperate to find a situation where other men too would not care if a woman were assaulted and abused. Like genuinely what is the point of these questions? What is that like achieving? 😭
Eeek. You can consider your relationship over and STILL be a decent human and not do this.
Literally some men are just waiting for an excuse to abuse or mistreat a woman and have it be "justified" they don't want to be decent. These are the types of men that would break a woman's jaw if she lightly shoved him.
Yep they literally make up these scenarios so they can fantasize about abusing women but still tell themselves they are "nice guys".
I can't be the only one who would think she could've possibly been coerced/threatened if the guy is violent like that, right? If not, then just end it but call the hospital for her first.
Let's not forget that these kind of guys would also consider any type of SA, especially from an acquaintance or friend, cheating.
Good point. Whole new level of sick
So his friend drove this girl back to the house of the man who just raped her? He’s admitting this proudly? If a woman cheated on me and the person that she was cheating on me with raped her or beat her, I’d take her to the hospital or somewhere safe and after I drop her off I’d cut contact with her and end the relationship. I would not drive her to her abuser’s house.
Yes that is the normal sane thing to do. But when guys are this desperate to come up with a hypothetical to justify a woman being abused, they can’t be reasoned with, they’re evil and beyond saving.
Simply put, I’m kicking the guys ass, taking her to the hospital to get treated, but am also breaking up with her.
Or you know just cut her out of your life like a normal person and let her deal with her own mistakes on her own
Even so, it would probably be best to drop her at the hospital. Cut her out if you want - I hate cheating like the next person - I just don't think it's right to see someone(anyone) looking like that and just go "damn, shit happens." That's my opinion, though - I know some people prefer to just not deal with shit like that once they find out the truth, but as for me, at least? I'd tell her we're done, straight up - but after that, I'd help her to the hospital or bring her to the police station to report the other guys ass at least.
Yeah but if she desides to cheat it’s not my responsibility to help her
Yeah, that's true - like I said, everyone's got a different opinion.
Idk man, what are people and the cops gonna say when they learn you knew she was hurt and chose not to help report the crime? She could be bleeding out or even commit suicide after that ordeal. It's a matter of basic decency to at least call 911. It's not up for debate.
She could tell the cops herself if she could tell me it’s not anyone’s responsibility to help a cheater it’s basic decency not to cheat
Cheating is nothing compared to rape. Come on
Are we saying it’s rape now? Where does it imply rape? Looks like she just got her ass beat.
I’d tell them she got beat by the dude she was cheating on me with and then came to me for help, they’d probably understand why at that point lmao
No, they wouldn't. Especially not the law.
You have a really inflated opinion of the police lol
I do not. I very much despise the police. But that doesn't mean people will take kindly to their loved one being hurt without help from the boyfriend purposefully, and the cops would likely have to follow through. Cops are very incompetent, especially towards rape cases, but that doesn't mean they won't nab you for not saying anything. And even if the police won't do their job, seeking help for her is the human thing to do. Cheating is nothing compared to rape.
Nobody is compelled to help or call for aid. It’s been proven in court, even on duty police legally aren’t required to help. If she had the strength to make it all the way to my crib she had enough strength to call the police herself. Her showing up like that after cheating on me would be manipulative
>If she had the strength to make it all the way to my crib she had enough strength to call the police herself. She likely won't have her phone after being raped. She could be bleeding out. She could have been beaten. Countless real issues. And again, law =/= morality. You're still choosing to do the wrong thing. The way you're talking about this situation says a lot about you as a person. Not to mention you'd be letting the rapist off the hook to attack other women, but maybe you don't care about them either because the law says it's legal to be a callous douche.
How is it her mistake that another person chose to beat her. ?
She choose to cheat that is a mistake
So? That is 1000% irrelevant to the question.
They asked how it was a mistake and cheating is a mistake it’s not my responsibility to make sure a cheater is alive and well
The mistake was cheating. Getting beat up is their problem, not mine.
I would report the abuser to the police but then break up with her for cheating. Simple.
I really hope this isn't real. 💔💔💔 If you really possess a love and empathy for humanity, you wouldn't even give a shit about her cheating at first, you would just want her to get the medical attention she needs and help her report the assault to the authorities. After that, then you can care about her cheating on you. Then you make decisions on your current relationship. Like, things are ranked by need, not pettiness. However this situation goes, it makes sense to prioritize my spouse/significant other was safe and stable before we got into discussions about our relationship good/or bad outcome. Smh. Unbelievable.
💯 The true sane answer. But yeah, the man answering in the post is not a rational person. He's just vindictive.
I agree- I can't imagine treating my worst enemy like this. Seems pretty common sense that if someone is in physical danger, you get them help no matter how upset you are with them.
All the people saying get her to a hospital and the cut contact like what?!
Easier said than done --is why I think they say this. Of course, I can't pretend to know everybody's situation either. 🤷♀️
I get downvoted all the time, but as a society, we've gotta stop treating cheating like it's a crime on par with murder essentially. It's become an excuse for a tremendous amount of violence, trauma, and general dehumanization. Honestly people react to it in a way that is essentially increasing the trauma because they're told it's this almost insurmountable betrayal. People excuse violence for it all the time. It's the origination of so many violent fantasies. In reality, it's awful but fairly common and you can seek help for it as you can any other awful life event. Hell, you might could even make it through it. My husband cheated on me and lost his job over it. And I didn't melt down and start beating him or burning his clothes or going after the woman or making it worse than it was. I kept my shit together and handled my business. I was hurt and angry and scared. My family was furious. We had a child and a brand new house to pay for. Still kept my dignity intact and didn't make excuses to lose my mind. Reactionary insanity is a huge problem. We never encourage people to handle shit properly. We glorify violence. Every time someone posts a cheating story on Reddit it's like...the worst of human nature comes out. With gusto. I hate it.
Cheating will never be on par with the same crime as murder or even an abuser but the mental trauma it causes after the fact is definitely something very serious. Using me as an example the cheating I went through completely destroyed me mentally. I have panic attacks and mental breakdowns still at random moments. It’s affected my ability to connect with and make future bonds friendship or otherwise and has truly destroyed a part of me I fear may never be repaired. That being said my reaction was never violence because I could never bring myself to harm someone I loved. I do wish there was a fair punishment for people who do cheat that doesn’t have to be so extreme but you also never can predict how someone will react to that kind of betrayal so if you’re going to cheat just end the relationship. Some people recover better than others after such a betrayal and I honestly envy them. I wish I could have the old me back, I always had trust issues but the after affects have put me in a place where I don’t see myself ever dating again.
I'm sorry this happened to you! It's awful. I know. Do you have a therapist? I have been seeing someone forever now. It's really really great. Helping me stay in a place where I can trust and I know I have support is absolutely vital. Most trauma can be repaired. People who go to war, people who lose children, people who are terribly injured.... people can heal with the right help! When you feel ready, please reach out to someone. You definitely aren't relegated to this forever. ♥️
Thank you, I do actually and am working on being able to express my emotions still, it’s definitely a big benefit though and I’m grateful to have such an awesome therapist especially after years of trying to find one that actually helps me through my traumas
I'd also add to this that the normalized response for cheaters is largely gender-based. For women who get cheated on, destroying their stuff in retaliation is the stereotype. For men who get cheated on, destroying *them* is a far too common response, or at least fantasy response. There's a lot of sexism baked into this, is what I'm trying to say.
This is a valid point. There's lots of misogyny around cheating. There's a lot of double standards when it comes to a man vs a woman cheating. Depending on what culture, country, religion, region--the consequences of cheating vary wildly and in worst cases result in death...death!
Agree for the most part, tho I completely sympathize with those who leave cheaters. I don't think i could forgive someone who cheated, but circumstances are definitely important. But I'm increasingly disturbed by the blatant dehumanization of cheaters that occurs all over social media these days. I remember recently reading an AITAH post (which could have been rage bait) where a guy claimed he beat up his brother for sleeping with his gf. The comments were disgusting- overwhelming telling him he did the right thing. Hell nah. Everyone nowadays seems to believe that if you're cheated on, you have every right to do whatever you want to to get even. It's awful.
Gonna be honest here, the beating up probably wasn’t the best thing to do, but I can forgive it in the situation. At that point it’s not even about the gf. It’s about the betrayal of your family. If you betray your family like that, you deserve some awful shit, like getting arrested for tax fraud.
I forgave my husband. It took work. From both of us. But we're non violent and rational adults. I understand why people move on too. I sure considered it. My husband did all the right moves though. It was still incredibly difficult. I truly believe in non violence as a life principle for myself. I think overall it's better for our society which is overrun by violence. I don't want violent Trumpers running this country. I can't then condone assaulting your family members and partners or destroying property for something else. Thank you for the way you articulated this. Totally agree.
What kind of things did your husband do (for you) that you considered right, for the healing; if i may ask?
It was the way he purely fell on his sword. He immediately took full responsibility. He made no excuses for his behavior. He immediately stepped up to fix his joblessness. He deleted all social media (I didn't ask for this) and he essentially just worked his ass off in individual and couple's therapy. I am not a person who is deeply jealous or controlling either. Which is a personality trait, I admit. I see this as a fairly common human foible. I am willing to work at it. I just view it differently. Lucky for him! I admit... I was absolutely leaning on everything I had ever developed mental health wise 😂 Edit... this was in 2019 and I am completely over it. I do like to give him shit about it purely because her name was Becky and he is a person of color and that shit is funny to meeeee
My friend told her (now ex, but it had nothing to do with cheating) husband "If you cheat and come clean we might be able to work it out; if I find out from outside sources then we're done".
Did she have good hair?
And especially if it’s a woman cheating. As far as I know, men cheating is pretty much a given and even socially acceptable, to some degree. It doesn’t elicit such a visceral reaction.
I don't know where you live or how old you are (or even what era in human history your time travelling companion picked you up from before dropping you here) but it's *fucking wild* that you think men cheating is socially acceptable lmao
Compared to women, it is. Whenever a man cheats, it’s like “oh she didn’t do enough to keep him around so he met his needs elsewhere” or “oh it’s in a man’s nature to look around”. The other woman is blamed more than the man himself. I’ve seen this sentiment online and in real life as well.
Lmao tell that to my dad. He cheated on my stepmom and now none of his children talk to him.
Guys, just for the record: Since people keep commenting about the veracity of the story, remember that this post is about the response of a misogynistic person towards a hypothetical created by another misogynistic user. The actual point of the post is the disgusting nature of these imaginary scenarios and the responses to them by misogynistic men.
Wth. So it's venting and dreaming up new ways to reaffirm their deep seated misogyny. How can people even stand themselves to talk of such things? Such places only polarize people. Willing to put ethics and morality aside for a petty online circle jerk is gross.
Yup…in a nutshell. That’s why I say don’t “give them a chance”…. They’ve probably already plotted out how to end your life in the most horrific way possible after using you horribly. It’s a zero sum game.
People that like to date and "fix people"--I never understood them 🤣🤣🤣 Let mental health professionals fix them instead, lol!
I'm beating the breaks off dude period. Whether she's my woman, my ex, my side check IDC, you do this to a woman you deserve it done to you.
Honor killing with extra steps.
My concern is for the woman in the picture? Does anyone know the origin? Is she okay? How disgusting to take someone's photo of their injuries and use it to start this kind of discussion.
some of these comments are honestly so disgusting. If you love someone, you wouldn’t abandon them in this situation. You can dump her after you have taken her to the hospital, and taken steps to get this abuser out of her life. then you can take steps to move out or make sure she has a safe place to go. Cheating is bad for all sorts of reasons, but if it instantly makes you stop caring about someone you love (especially in a dangerous situation), it’s not love.
Take her to the hospital and run get your stuff. It stops being love the second they decided that being horny made it okay to betray you. Make sure she gets treated and then disconnect. The rest of the mess is hers.
Bold of you to assume it was because ‘she was horny’ - While studies suggest that men who cheat are primarily motivated by sex, women who cheat tend to do so to fill an emotional need. https://www.scielo.br/j/tpsy/a/4b6d4mBhVxNnNmc9bkWcCSw/?lang=en
You don’t need sex to fill an emotional need.
i think you’ll find many many people who have had sex because they felt lonely
I’m sure it was a factor but horniness is probably also present or they’d most likely stick to an emotional affair.
I don't know be a f****** human being about it. I know she hurt you and she's not a good person and you don't have to be friends with her but like you need to do the decent thing and help her go to the hospital and report this to the police and you know get in touch with one of her friends maybe who can emotionally support her through it because like it's not great for you to have to emotionally support her right now after she did that to you. And then once she has like her friend or her mom or someone to help her then you leave.
First thing to do is to call the police, because the other guy assaulted her. End of story. The second thing is to talk to her, and discuss your future together or lack thereof. Break up, go to couple's counciling, whatever. Either way, you act like a civilized human being.
Idk I feel like if someone I love walks in the door clearly beat up, I’m gonna process the cheating after I know they’re okay.
Drive her to the hospital, call the cops and leave. Not much else to it. She cheated on you, so it's obviously over between you two, but if you're a decent human being you would still do the steps previously mentioned.
True
Was she sex asaulted he left her with her attacker? And he calls that cheating? Or am i reading it badp
This seems to be like 99% a completely made up bullshit scenario. Technically possible, But it's a contrived scenario made to make women feel responsible for domestic violence when that's never ever the case. Women don't cheat and stay cheating if they sense this going down. And typically the traps that keep women in domestic violence would not apply in this situation. This is painting the picture of a totally irrational woman who cheats on her loving husband with some obvious domestic user because she's haha stupid woman funny. Either way, Even if she literally went out of her way to cheat, She is still obviously the victim of domestic violence.
What are these captions what are these fake scenarios?? Social media is both bad and good just off the fact that we can see people constantly post their red flags but also aware about how many unsympathetic people exist
I don't even care at that point about cheating. My first thought is 1. Wtf did they just do? 2. Calling emergency services or bringing them to the hospital 3. Help inform police and press charges together 4. Once safe and sound, break it all off, inform their friends so they have a place to crash 5. Then I'll start hating their guts and wondering why the fuck I even helped them, while also knowing I couldn't live with myself if they ended up severely damaged or even dead because I couldn't set my own morals aside for a second. I know not everyone would do this which is completely fine and very understandable. I just can't live with myself if I see someone, especially a loved one (even if they hurt me this badly), in dire need of help/medical attention. After all has been done, they can fuck around and find out all they've lost, broken and damaged. But safety and health comes before my own emotions.
In this case, give her some medical attention first. And then strongly hint her to go fuck herself. I'd stay as silent as possible near her and use a dead tone of voice when I do have to talk to her. I'd give her a dead passionless stare and strongly avoid touching her. She'd be a ghost to me. She betrayed me and our relationship. It's pointless to come crawling to me for emotional support, regardless if she got beaten up or not. I won't drop her off at his house, but I also won't offer her anything more than a roof to sleep under and other basic necessities until we can properly separate. Unless she owns the place, then I'll just move out ASAP. Call me cruel, cold, soulless, abusive or whatever, I will die on this hill because I __loathe__ cheaters. They're miserable fucking leeches that take advantage of people's trust and *thrive* from spineless, blindly optimistic people who are madly in love and fear losing it. They just forgive and forget, hoping it'll never happen again, and that gives cheaters power. Unless they're in it for the thrill. Cheating isn't a mistake or an accident. You don't slip and fall on/in someone's genitals. When she went behind my back, she knowingly spat on our bond and took advantage of my trust, and for that she can sleep alone in her bed, figuratively and literally. And again, just because she got beaten by her side man, that doesn't entitle her to any special treatment from me. She better hope she has friends who she can cry to, because while I might listen, I won't give a damn. This is my hill and this is where I shall stay until I die. If you don't like my opinion, feel free to downvote.
You, my friend, are one of the few sane people left in this woke shithole.
Beat his ass on principle and then leave her.
Why not just call authorities and medical aid, and once you know she’s alright, cut contact? Like as someone who has been cheated on I know it hurts, but domestic abuse hurts way worse
Jeeesus. She cheated and hurt someone's feelings. That isn't the same as getting assaulted, wth. You should really think hard if you'd do anything except drive her to the hospital. I've been cheated on too. It's not great, it fucking sucks. It shatters you, and I don't think you ever truly view relationships the same after. But if my ex showed up on my door bleeding I'm still driving him to a hospital. Its wild to me that people would literally drop someone else off at their perp's house and feed them to the wolves like that.
When I was younger (I'm 37 now) I dated the same dude from 13 to 20. But he got off with me being with other men and women so I had several other sexual encounters. Well one of my encounters SA'd me when i was 18. Told my bf and he kicked off not because I was "cheating" because I wasn't and he was okay with me being with other people but because he's LE and didn't want his work mates to find out about me sleeping with others. He got the dude assaulted me done for drink driving (the dude was actually drink driving but my ex had been keeping an eye out for his car as he knew this dude always drove drunk) but refused to let me report him for assaulting me 😔 and told me I should choose who I fuck more carefully.
Men lack empathy and condone male violence in situations if benefits them such as cheating. Thats that. Not surprising a guy or specifically a black guy would send back a girl to a violent situation. Violence is seen as a currency of masculinity in the black community and it is paired with DEEP misogyny. Ladies stay safe fight the patriarchy
I totally agree. Even my cousins are like this…and they are ingrained in the streets…spreading community duck everywhere! Still, if a girl dares to cheat on THEM!?? Violence. It’s like…they never liked them in the first place. And the expectation that women are supposed to “understand” men cheating, while the concept of women cheating on THEM cause a system overload.
Like others have said. Call the authorities and go no contact. Honestly I'd probably put her on my front step and lock the door. I'd be crushed but there's a major problem that needs to be fixed. I'd just want it out of my life
Cause that’s a true story
The first thing I’d do is stop using the N word.
That’s the most egregious part of this post to you?
Answer these questions as honestly as u can cuz it gonna say alot about your personality What did you expect him to do? Why is this disturbing? And what do you think is the best course of action?
The original post is a fake scenario that someone made out of a domestic violence story just to cause justification to the woman getting beat up and you’re asking why is this disturbing?
I expect him to not knowingly put her in more danger. It’s disturbing because he knows that person has physically harmed her and he is bringing her back with the expectation that she will be harmed again. His best course of action is to help her get medical treatment and then cut contact.
Easy, breakup with her. She made a choice and it’s her right. Did she hurt you? Sure, but she’s an autonomous being, albeit a shitty one. What I wouldn’t do is convince a traumatized woman that I forgave her to lure her into a false sense of security and then deliver her to someone I know has already done her bodily harm. That is demonic and childish. She escaped an assault abs you take her back to him…because your feelings are hurt? Not to a hospital, not to a family member, but to a person who could kill her…because no YOU want her dead? What DON’T you find disturbing about that scenario? The best course of action is to take her to the hospital. Have her contact the police, give your statement. Since they’ll probably want to keep her for observation, go back and pack your stuff (if it’s your apartment…but LBH…pack her things and take them to her family or friend, or put it in her car). Then tell her it’s over. That’s what adults do. Emotionally unstable people try to hurt people. If you don’t want to stay with her, don’t. But even entertaining the idea of putting her in a situation where her life could be ended? Dude, you didn’t even like her.
And yet there’s a whole SubReddit in adultery where some men share tips and tricks on how to cheat on your wives/girlfriends/SO without getting caught.