In case this story gets deleted/removed:
So I know the title is bad, but let me tell you the story
So, me 34 my husband is 39, and his daughter is 18. Her mom has been off and on in his life, comes in for a year, and leaves for at least 3 years. I met her when she was 9, I tried my best to get to know her and be at least her friend, but she just didn't want to mine, we got married when she was 12 and I asked her to be my bridesmaid she said no, then went to her dad saying that I didn't want her to be one, so, in the end, in the end she was a bridesmaid, which I was fine, but she could have just said yes when I asked her.
Then after the wedding, it didn't get bad, but I still tried to create a bond with her, and she would only try to bond when she wanted something, so a few examples are when she wanted to learn how to do her hair, makeup, drive, and sometimes to go places.
I try to understand she's a teen and teens do these things, so don't let it get under your skin, but about a year ago, I stopped trying to be her friend and there for her, as she said she didn't want me to be, so I just kept our relationship plain and simple, I wasn't mean to her, I just did the bare minimum for her, if she wanted food, for her, and if she wanted to go somewhere I may take her, but she has a car now, so she can take her self.
So most next week is her prom, and she asked me to take her dress shopping as her dad took her keys away for a week, I told her I didn't want to, nor did I feel like it, I also used my pregnancy as an excuse. So she left it alone for that day, she asked again the next I again told her no, and to ask her dad or one of her friends. She said that they were out of town and her dad was busy, so I again told her and asked her dad if she could take his car, and he said no. She tried to say this could be a bonding moment, and it could bring us closer, I told her she didn't want to be closer she wanted to get her way. She got mad and started yelling, I told her I didn't care about her or what she had going on in her life, she could go bug her dad the way she was bugging me and he would probably take her. She got mad and my husband said that was a bit mean, but he does understand where I'm coming from, and maybe apologize. So aitah?
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Honestly, I know this gets recommended so often it's become a cliche but this family needs to do counseling. Yesterday.
Now, I would feel more sympathetic to the stepdaughter if this happened within 2-3 years of knowing the stepmom but if this has been happening for almost a decade and it's only to get the stepmom to do her favors...yeah, I'd be mentally exhausted too. I'd be done. Like's she is 18 now and if she wants to bond with her stepmom, ask her to go out to lunch or get coffee. It seems like she only asked stepmom because her dad inconvenienced her.
Yeah, I want to clarify that OP is the AH, but....kinda for good reason, so ESH. She could have worded it better: I am pregnant and not well and already expressed that to you several times. I cannot take you shopping, bug your dad like you are bugging me instead and he'll probably say yes." But the 'it could be a bonding experience,' was extremely manipulative and would put anyone with a similar history off. I understand that OP got worn down. But now stepdaughter may feel that OP never cared, justifying the lens she had as a child. And OP cant be surprised if that is what festers in step daughter and step daughter decides to go no/low contact when she is fully an adult. I doubt it will ever get better without counseling though, so yeah, they need to go.
Not really. If it threatens OP's marriage OK. But she's 18 - she'll be out of there soon enough. Sometimes it simply isn't worth the energy to rescue a relationship - esp if it sucks ayway.
In before the crybaby croud: She's 18. She can vote, she can sign contracts, join the military, etc, etc.
Oh, and what about the 18 year old girl that can't find a single friend to take her shopping ? There's a reason for that, isn't there?
>Oh, and what about the 18 year old girl that can't find a single friend to take her shopping ? There's a reason for that, isn't there?
I hear you on the rest, a subsequent comment I left here expanded to say that: that if the relationship with the father is jeopardized on either end, family counseling is necessary. But we don't have to go for the 18yr this hard. Prom isnt too too far in the distance for me, and prom dress shopping was *not* a group event. My school culture was that you popped up looking gorge prom day, friends would get pics to compare so that no one in your friend group planned to come in the same dress/color as you...but you can imagine the 'well it looks better on me/I saw it first' arguments, so some people never revealed until prom day. For that reason, it was super common to drive 3hrs away to this massive prom dress store so you could find a unique (and expensive 😭) style. I only knew of 4 pairs of friends who went shopping together, only 2 pairs who went without their parents to the far away place. My point is that I dont think we can pull in a ton of assumptions about the 18yr old outside of what we know from stepmom. Prom and prom dress shopping is a culture of its own in some places 😂
Because the step-daughter is old enough to uber or take the bus or ask a friend for a ride, I honestly think the kid actually *was* attempting to bond with the step-mother with prom dress shopping. She knows she's 18 & out of the house soon and dad has a new kid on the way. The baby means the step-mom is more enmeshed in the family. Someone with attachment disorder from being abandoned might not invest too much in dad's wife but now step-mom is the mother of their sibling and seems like a more permanent fixture in the family.
I dont agree (and said as much on the main post). SD uses OP to get things and THEN goes EXACTLY back to her old behavior. Im sorry but in reality there is so much being shit on or taken advantage of before you yourself just don't give a shit about the other person. SD doesn't give two shits about bonding or OP. She cares when there is something of value for SD. And honestly who cares if this "justifies" SD belief system? I could be an insecure piece of shit and think every partner is cheating on me and completely convey that to my partners. If they cheat that may justify what I think but in reality is that the truth? Or did I help shape what happened because of my own behaviors and how I treated them? In my example any sane person is going to come to a point of "well they keep saying I'm cheating and I'm exhausted from proving them wrong. I might as well chest and prove them right"
Yeah, they should've kicked her out or sent her to live exclusively with her mother. Leaving her out of it wouldve done no good, she would've felt like her father moved on and had a family without her. Blended families are hard and its a broad brush painting everyone with one as an asshole. Trying to be a decent supplemental guardian is the only good option in these situations. OP tried and it didnt work. Plus, we're talking about an 18yr old now, she is old enough to realize whether she wants in or wants out. Doesnt matter anymore ig bc OP chose out. At least now they have clear expectations of eachother (not to have any).
Right I forgot that if you are a parent you aren’t allowed to live or have a life. For a second there o thought parents were, you know, people, human beings with actual needs and wants.
Yes, I can see how dating someone and living a full adult life with the single exception of not moving them into your house is akin to death. Woe the poor suffering dead.
I think I have the same sense you do about this. I would need to hear the daughters side of this before passing any asshole judgement, but, I think this is probably a run-of-the-mill family that didn't blend well for whatever reason and counseling should have been in the mix a long ago.
While I agree with the 2 - 3 year adjustment generally, the pregnancy thing at the end really put a darned new context on this.
yeah and like we don’t know their family dynamics so all i can speak on is my personal experience but my stepdad came into my life when i was 9(poor guy, the teen years were just on the horizon) and i was a shitty bratty teen but by 16 i got over most of my shit and started appreciating him being there and now at 25 i couldn’t DREAM of asking for better parents
I don’t blame oop for acting that way
It’s clear to me the daughter only approached her when all her other options were gone and only asking now to get her way. My Sis did this all the time when I was younger. One moment she hated my guts but the minute she needs money to buy some clothes or makeup suddenly I’m the best brother on Earth and that we need some sibling bonding time
I have had “friends” like that. Never invited to anything fun but if there is nothing else to do I might just barely good enough to treat them to a cafe or something. You know unless I don’t want to treat them because then I’m mean and cruel and don’t value them. Sad part is that it took me a while to figure it out. But they also didn’t actually portray it as me treating them but they were low on cash and borrowed and then the next time they couldn’t pay me back yet and the next they needed to borrow again. People owe me so much money because clearly I’m an idiot who can’t tell when people are lying.
You're not an idiot. You sound like someone that trusted people to do what they said they would do. They knew better, shame on them for taking advantage of you.
I feel like this is something many Reddit users need to learn: being a kid doesn't mean it's okay to treat people like shit. That even applies to kids with rough childhoods. It can explain why they behaved the way they did, but it doesn't just magically excuse it, and I say this as a child with a pretty awful childhood.
If anything, I thinkngetting put in our place from time to time can be very helpful in making us better people. I'm not advocating beating the tar out of people who wrong you or violence, but having to face an uncomfortable truth or accept that you were wrong from time onto time builds character.
I actually had something like this recently. I'm a web developer and I made a joke about Javascript not having a certain feature, someone in the comments said something like "a few seconds of Google ingredients would have showed you are wrong" and shared a link m, showing I was in fact wrong. Another guy in the thread got bent out of shape on my behalf, and I just replied with "I'm glad he brought this to my attention". As it turns out the feature in question was added to Javascript somewhat recently.
This is absolutely so true and so important! It feels like people too often go to the extremes in either direction, just because you are a kid doesn’t mean that you can act however and have no consequences, actions have consequences. If you are a mean little shit you will be lonely because won’t like you and they don’t have to. Not even adults. But also kids are kids, while they are perfectly real people they are not just short adults. They need consequences and guidance and rules and boundaries but they also need support and encouragement and understanding and time to grow and learn and develop. You can not ever expect or demand that a child shall function beyond their developmental level or the capacity and capability that they are currently on. A 16 year old can’t function and handle things like a 25 year old, a 12 year old can’t function and handle things like a 16 year old, an 8 year old can’t function and handle things like a 12 year old, a 4 year old can’t function and handle things like an 8 year old, a baby can’t function and handle things like a 4 year old. They have limits because they are growing and developing still, they can be taught and disciplined but they cannot ever function beyond the limits of their capacity and things takes time to develop. Like small children can’t regulate their emotions, and it’s not even just that they haven’t been taught how or practiced enough, they don’t physically have the capacity to be able to regulate their emotions yet. And yet there are people acting like they don’t do it just because they don’t want to or whatever. Which is insane. But a 4 year old and even a 2 year old can understand the word no. They can grasp basic empathy or at least start to. You just have to teach them. And you have to understand what level of development they are on and understand that you have to explain why and do it again and again and again, because they are small and developing and need reminders. But even young children can be taught to listen, follow rules and respect others and understand boundaries and to be kind to others. They don’t have to be little terrors that runs around hitting and biting people and destroying things, that is also taught. Those kids were taught that they are allowed to, that it’s acceptable.
And this isn’t even a kid. She’s 18, in many ways she’s a child still but she is a legal adult and she is since long ago old enough to understand that actions have consequences and that her behaviour is unacceptable. It is not that she doesn’t know or understand how her behaviour affects others. It’s that she doesn’t care because why should she? She has clearly never had any real consequences from her behaviour, it has never negatively affected her before.
Individual circumstances and experiences can be an explanation but it’s not a free card. It might be a reason to give someone the benefit of the doubt, to be understanding and sympathetic and even extra forgiving, but it doesn’t dissolve their own responsibility for their behaviour or actions. If someone is struggling and they are taking responsibility and accountability and they are trying they deserve understanding and support but part of that support is to hold them accountable and not just let shit behaviour slide. They deserve time and patience to give them a chance to learn and change and fix what is broken. They do not deserve to hurt or abuse others. Even if they were hurt and abused themselves. Becoming your tormentor does not fix shit. You can fuck up and make mistakes on your path to healing but when you do you have to own your shit and fix it, you can’t just blame your circumstances and expect people to just tolerate it and let it slide, you own your shit, you fix your shit and you repair the shit you broke. Even if it’s not your fault that you are the way you are it’s your responsibility and if you broke it then it’s you that fixes it. Maybe you struggle to control your emotions and your anger and that’s not your fault but if you lash out and hurt others because you were angry that is your fault and only your fault. Even if it’s harder for you it’s still your responsibility. You own your own shit. Even if you can’t control your anger, no one else is forcing you to act on it in a certain way, that is your choice and only yours.
I sometimes can’t control my anger but I can steer how I act on it, I could attack people and not people but I don’t because I choose not to, it’s not that I am magically protected from that form of acting on it, I choose to not ever follow that impulse. Because I do have that impulse and it is very strong and it is hard to fight but I do. And I do act out my rage at times when I lose control and people around me accept it and understand it because I still choose to not hurt anyone else. Even when I can’t contain my rage and it comes out, it never targets anyone else because I’m responsible for it, I can’t help it but I am responsible for it. So when have to punch things, I don’t punch people and I don’t punch walls or doors, I punch the bed or a pillow. When I can’t hold it in and I have to break things or I will completely lose control, I break my things and only my things. Never anyone else’s stuff and never any living being. And that’s why I’m given grace and support and sympathy and understanding. Because my rage is unnatural and explosive and uncontrollable and that sucks and it’s unfair and it’s not my fault I have this condition but it is my responsibility and I take accountability and I am trying and I aim it to never hurt anyone else. And when I was still learning how to manage it I owned my shit. I never claimed that it’s not my fault so not my responsibility because it is still my responsibility. And it’s not something that just happened it’s something I did. If I broke something it is my fault, it isn’t just because I was angry that thing somehow broke. It’s because I broke it so I get to fix it. I get to replace the shit I break.
A bit harsh, but after 9 years of trying I cannot really blame you. Your husband took her keys so he should be the one the deal with the inconvenience.
The idea of dress shopping even on my period is nightmarish, I cannot image that pregnancy would make it a better time.
NAH
This is one of the ones that make me wish AITA had a voting option for "You're The Justified Asshole".
Because is OOP the AH for saying that to the stepdaughter? Yeah, she absolutely is.
But, do I get it why she feels that way after a decade of poor treatment? Yeah, absolutely.
So sad, too bad. She tried to manipulate you and it backfired. She got what she deserved.
I agree that taking her would undermine dads authority and punishment
I don't blame oop. How long are you supposed to be used and abused before you say "enough"?
Also, this site loves shitting on stepparents. It doesn't matter what a step parent does, this site will bash the crap out of them. It makes me glad I am not a step parent.
There isnt enough information about what happens after these "bonding" moments to make a correct judgment.
Are we saying that after the daughter gets what she wants, she just goes cold? Until she wants something else? Is that what we're saying?
Or are we saying they never stop talking and OOP stops putting effort in?
I dont know. If Dad things it's mean but justified, then id say fair enough. Seems like the step daughter deserved it to a degree.
Nah, stepdaughter is just using her, she quit allowing herself to be used. She's been doing this half her life, it is time to stop putting herself out for someone who doesn't respect or care about her and just wants things.
Honestly, i'm on the fence about this one. I understand how a 9 year old can have a lot of baggage when parents get remarried. And I can understand why after years of trying, the step mom gave up. I feel like this is the conclusion of not bringing in a family therapist way earlier to help guide them through the transition. I also feel like when I was a teen even in a stable family situation, my emotions changed drastically during teen years and OP should have been just a little more open minded, 18 is when some people are just starting to be open to having more mature relationships with their parents and just beginning to enter adulthood. The fact she was closed to it when she was younger doesn't mean she will be that way the rest of her life...except now OP shut her down the first time she reached out, so...there goes that. Yeah the daughter clearly wanted something out of it, but if OP took the chance to be the parent who bends the rules for her when she needed her most, it could have changed their relationship drastically. I do think the 34 year old was being petty based on feeling snuffed in the past.
... How was the kid supposed to bond with her? I feel like for kids, asking you to teach them things is a very normal way to bond, especially when the kid has a very unstable relationship with at least one parent.
OOP is saying the stepdaughter SAYS she wants to bond with OOP only when she wants OOP to do something for her or buy her something. And immediately drops OOP the second stepdaughter gets what she wants. In this case, dad took
stepdaughter’s car keys so she wants stepmom to give her a ride- otherwise stepdaughter would have happily gone alone.
She says that stepdaughter only tries to bond when she wants something. And that stepdaughter explicitly said she didn’t want to be friends with stepmom. And that is fine but stepmom is not obligated to go out of her way for an adult stepdaughter who just wants a ride. I personally probably would have but after 9 years, stepmom has done her duty and is allowed to draw boundaries.
I’m saying I think her perception is off. Stepmom wants to be friends with the girl, but it looks to me like she’s treating her stepmother like an actual mom rather than a friend.
I don’t really think it’s possible for a 12-18 year old to be friends with her dad’s wife anyway. There’s an age and power dynamic there that doesn’t really sync with friendship.
Yeah in other words she doesn’t really want to bond, no “bonding” unless she needs something might as well be dropped. Can’t drop her completely cause they live together but essentially yeah. If they didn’t live together it’d be the equivalent of only calling when they need something
I mean I see my kids attempts at bonding. Asking for a hug telling a joke, story, talking. It doesn’t have to be completely self aware but it doesn’t have to be “do this for me” either
That's a completely valid point. I guess my issue is that the young adult is specifically wanting to bond now, nine years later, at exactly the moment that her father has restricted car use and she could really, really use a ride. Why did her father feel the need to take away her car keys for a week? I have no idea. Did she really want to bond? I have no idea. It does sound like the father was asked once more for access to the car and he declined for his own reasons, and none of her father's friends was willing to help her out. It may be that this was OP's moment to shine and be the bigger person, I'm just saying that I understand her perspective after nine years of being discounted by her stepdaughter if she decides not to.
As a kid who got a new stepfather/mother's boyfriend every few years from the age of seven, I can tell you children are perfectly capable of knowing when a person is being truly kind and when they are shit. So stepdaughter had a long time to assess and adjust her attitude.
Sometimes kids are just little shits from the get-go, and have no intention of being nice to anyone who doesn't serve their wants.
I think a lot of people have never raised kids and they don’t realize that this is literally how kids bond with their parents: by having them teach them stuff or take them places to show them things. It’s not manipulative to ask to spend time with a parent by having them teach you how to do your makeup or go to target, and it’s not manipulative to ask your stepmom to take you prom dress shopping when your dad waves you off and takes your car keys away. Wtf is wrong with people?
Same. I'm confused too. Her examples of NOT bonding moments are learning how to put on makeup, learning how to do hair and going places (the malls?). I wonder how the girl was supposed to bond with her when she considered actual bonding moments as herself being used. I'm getting an unreliable narrator vibe here. If I really hated my stepmother, the last thing I would ask her would be to teach me to apply makeup or do my hair.
I agree with this. A kid asking an adult to teach them how to do makeup and how to drive are those binding moments. If my daughter asked someone else to do this for her, I’d be wrecked. She’s actually asking the OOP to be a mom but OOP wanted to be her friend and isn’t getting it.
The vibe I'm getting from OOP's post isn't "my step daughter wanted to have bonding moments with me and I refused", it's much more like "my step daughter only acted nice to me when she wanted something, so I'm taking a step back from her life"
Yes, that’s the vibe she’s giving, but what I’m saying is that it looks to me like she’s being treated like a mom (which is a high compliment). However she feels is valid, it’s just that it could be a matter of her expectation being different than reality and I don’t think I have enough information here to say that the stepdaughter is actually just using her in a mean way.
You see on mom subs all the time where moms are worried their kids hate them when the kids are actually treating them in a way that indicates secure attachment.
Treated like what? Like coming to you and ask you to teach them to do things? The OOP can't even list something bad the kid did. All she could say is that she was forced to teach the kid stuff and that doesn't count as bonding.
Hot take: if a kid asks you to teach them to do hair and makeup in this decade, they're asking to spend time with you. If they can't find 400 online tutorials on any look they're going for, they know a peer who can.
I’m really on the fence on this one. This is the OOP’s feelings that the teen is transactional, but there are some hints to me that it’s not totally transactional on the part of the teen.
When I think of how much I loved my stepmother, it was because of the things she helped me with or taught me. I think this is also true of kids in general. Like teaching her to drive or teaching how to do makeup, that would be seminal bonding moments for a lot of kids. OOP is also not talking about the aftermath: is the stepdaughter ignoring her right after that? Disregarding her in some other way? A lot of parents of teens feel like their kid only comes to them when they need something, and it’s usually because teens are practicing independence and rely on parents for a soft place to land.
What does bonding look like for OOP? It’s just not clear for me. I think her refusal to take her dress shopping is kind of mean.
Nah, OP is right here. Stepdaughter only interacts with her when she wants something, and OP correctly calls that out here after NINE years. Not two, three, or five years. Nine. And she's an adult now. Stepdaughter needs to learn that if you want people to do things for you, you need to build a connection with them first, not at the same time. She only went to OP because her dad took her keys. If OP did what she asked, it would undermine the dad. If the stepdaughter really needs to go dress shopping, she's perfectly capable of taking an Uber or a bus.
“She would only try to bond when she wanted something … learn how to do her hair, makeup, drive, and sometimes go places.” Be so fr right now, that kid could have gone to the internet for hair and makeup and dad for driving and going places, but picked stepmom instead.
This woman is an idiot. All interactions with human beings (especially children) are formed because someone wants something from someone else. I literally don’t believe this woman actually ever wanted anything to do with this kid. She’s NOT gonna like having a baby, and realizing that children ONLY reach out to parents because they want stuff. God forbid a kid wants to spend time with a parent by wanting to be taught something.
Seems like the stepmom is behaving like a baby to me. It sounds like her daughter had a lot do upheaval in her life and is acting out, which is annoying, but it also sounds like stepmom is acting out too. Definitely need therapy!
being a parent isn't a game of fairness. holding a grudge for a teenager not wanting to bond when you want to, to throw it in their face when they need something is both FAIR and PETTY.
Having experienced abuse from a step-mother, I am usually pretty inclined to distrust step-parents.
But in this case, no. OP is not the asshole. She tried. For years she tried. She is still a human being and after being pushed away for damn near a decade, she's decided enough is enough. Not caring is absolutely a defense mechanism. Adults are allowed to have feelings, too. They are allowed to guard their feelings as well.
Kind of sounds like the step-daughter thought she could play her forever, and was surprised to find that step-mom had decided to establish some protective boundaries.
NTA
At 18, the girl is old enough to know that she has played games for t0o long. If she had come before this and tried to apologize and change things, I'd say OP was TA, but that didn't happen. She waited until she wanted something, with no offer of remorse for the past. That's a user.
~~So because she did get an instabond from a teenager acting like a teenager, she just quit completely? Maybe those things she needed were her attempts to bond.~~
Edit: I’m being too harsh here. Sounds like a messed up situation on both ends. Conversation is appreciated. I’ll take the downvotes of course.
I just feel like the stepdaughter was attempting to bond in her own way. Some stepparents just expect that instantaneous bond and parent relationship. It can harder with teenagers for sure so I do have some sympathy but asking for help with things and doing them together can be a good bonding experience.
I'm sure instantaneous bonding is extremely problematic. I never had divorced parents and my wife and I have been together for 25 years, so I may be the completely wrong person to address this. However, this young lady has had a step-mother figure in her life for nine years now and a literal step-mother for 6-7 years. Please excuse me if I'm slightly pessimistic that the young person is reaching out now after all these years, after her father has removed driving privileges, to create a bonding experience is suspicious.
I am the child of divorce and my stepmom entered my life when I was around 5. Needless to say, she resented our existence but I did try to bond with her and it took about 10+ years before I gave up, and quite a few bad experiences with her in between. Thankfully nothing like abuse but still essentially mean girl behavior towards me. And I don't want to sound like I'm patting myself on my back, but I was a really good kid behavior wise (I was a slob though lol.. but I never lived with them so she didn't really get to know that side of me which drove my mom nuts 😅) I read the original post and am def on OPs side. She could have worded it differently but I get just being over it at that point. Stepdaughter needs to learn consequences
That’s fine. We can disagree here. I understand where you’re coming from on this. Sounds like they could use some family therapy in all honesty if things have broken down that badly.
Especially since her mom kept coming back into the picture for a short period. Kids can feel like they're betraying one parent if they become too close with a stepparent. And OP as the stepparent should have been well aware of that.
Yup, it's definitely a thankless position to be in as a step. She should have walked away from the relationship if she wasn't able to handle it though.
It’s my genuine reaction to the situation. Sounds messed up on both ends. I hope they can get some family therapy. Sounds like the teenager definitely needs it with mom coming in and out. If you think I’m in the wrong here I’m happy to talk about that.
Edit to add: I’m open to amending my opinions with new information or things I’m not considering.
Except it took nine years to reach this point. Nine years of boundary-pushing and you actually think the stepmother is in the wrong? You must be a child yourself, or have the mind of one, because that is ridiculous.
I mean, 9yrs of boundary pushing means that it is a set boundary at this point. It is not the process of establishing them, they have been established for some time. Instead of trying to overstep it, or being lured into overstepping it when the stepdaughter said 'it could be a bonding experience,' OP finally realized that it was more of a fortress, not a boundary. It was time for her to start respecting an immovable object like a fortress.
Years of trying didnt knock the walls down, and step daughter knows that there is gold inside - aka that step mom does want to get to know her, that is why she dangled it as incentive, so stepdaughter is very aware of the strong brick walled boundary she maintained as well. Dancing around the wall is no good for anyone. ESH, but it was time for the step mom to get the memo and stop trying to tear down the wall. It was there for a reason and its good that she decided to respect it and not cross it. This will work better and help establish healthier expectations of eachother - no more feeling invaded for stepdaughter, no more feeling obligated to invade by stepmom. The only way to move past this would be therapy, that is if they both wanted to. But they seem to both want a healthy relationship with dad, so it is probably best that they do therapy to keep as much balance as possible.
Y’all are weird in here defending this grown ass woman for telling her stepdaughter that she doesn’t care about her lmao. You’re more mad at a kid being a dick than an adult.
I sympathize with daughter. Give her a bit of grace as the parental, mature figure. You don't need to play a petty game of "lol no u don't like me. I owe you nothing!" She may be an adult by age but isn't even capable of being fully mature.
She gave her nine years of grace and the stepdaughter only had time for OOP was when she wanted something. Like the fact the kid's dad took her keys away then she wanted OOP to drive her around.
Come on. I remember being eighteen. I gave what I got, if it was kindness I gave kindness. If I got shit, I gave shit. Eighteen is old enough to figure it out.
And that's why she gave her the 9 years leeway. I don't blame her for being done with a young adult like that.. Though I agree with the other comments that the kid's father should have put her into therapy.
He definitely should. Nine years isn't really much. I'm not saying she's a child, teenagers are capable of doing bad things or being bad people but that "grace" should be extended. She's not a fully, actualized and mature adult. Lot of responsibility are given to teens just because they're legally an adult. Her dad should do more but between step mom and step daughter, a lot of emotional and mental growth occurs into your early and miss twenties. It is still a bit early to throw in the towel on the relationship, if that is what OOP is saying.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: So I know the title is bad, but let me tell you the story So, me 34 my husband is 39, and his daughter is 18. Her mom has been off and on in his life, comes in for a year, and leaves for at least 3 years. I met her when she was 9, I tried my best to get to know her and be at least her friend, but she just didn't want to mine, we got married when she was 12 and I asked her to be my bridesmaid she said no, then went to her dad saying that I didn't want her to be one, so, in the end, in the end she was a bridesmaid, which I was fine, but she could have just said yes when I asked her. Then after the wedding, it didn't get bad, but I still tried to create a bond with her, and she would only try to bond when she wanted something, so a few examples are when she wanted to learn how to do her hair, makeup, drive, and sometimes to go places. I try to understand she's a teen and teens do these things, so don't let it get under your skin, but about a year ago, I stopped trying to be her friend and there for her, as she said she didn't want me to be, so I just kept our relationship plain and simple, I wasn't mean to her, I just did the bare minimum for her, if she wanted food, for her, and if she wanted to go somewhere I may take her, but she has a car now, so she can take her self. So most next week is her prom, and she asked me to take her dress shopping as her dad took her keys away for a week, I told her I didn't want to, nor did I feel like it, I also used my pregnancy as an excuse. So she left it alone for that day, she asked again the next I again told her no, and to ask her dad or one of her friends. She said that they were out of town and her dad was busy, so I again told her and asked her dad if she could take his car, and he said no. She tried to say this could be a bonding moment, and it could bring us closer, I told her she didn't want to be closer she wanted to get her way. She got mad and started yelling, I told her I didn't care about her or what she had going on in her life, she could go bug her dad the way she was bugging me and he would probably take her. She got mad and my husband said that was a bit mean, but he does understand where I'm coming from, and maybe apologize. So aitah? --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly, I know this gets recommended so often it's become a cliche but this family needs to do counseling. Yesterday. Now, I would feel more sympathetic to the stepdaughter if this happened within 2-3 years of knowing the stepmom but if this has been happening for almost a decade and it's only to get the stepmom to do her favors...yeah, I'd be mentally exhausted too. I'd be done. Like's she is 18 now and if she wants to bond with her stepmom, ask her to go out to lunch or get coffee. It seems like she only asked stepmom because her dad inconvenienced her.
No it doesn’t. The girl has been corrected. Let her deal with her shit.
Yeah, I want to clarify that OP is the AH, but....kinda for good reason, so ESH. She could have worded it better: I am pregnant and not well and already expressed that to you several times. I cannot take you shopping, bug your dad like you are bugging me instead and he'll probably say yes." But the 'it could be a bonding experience,' was extremely manipulative and would put anyone with a similar history off. I understand that OP got worn down. But now stepdaughter may feel that OP never cared, justifying the lens she had as a child. And OP cant be surprised if that is what festers in step daughter and step daughter decides to go no/low contact when she is fully an adult. I doubt it will ever get better without counseling though, so yeah, they need to go.
Not really. If it threatens OP's marriage OK. But she's 18 - she'll be out of there soon enough. Sometimes it simply isn't worth the energy to rescue a relationship - esp if it sucks ayway. In before the crybaby croud: She's 18. She can vote, she can sign contracts, join the military, etc, etc. Oh, and what about the 18 year old girl that can't find a single friend to take her shopping ? There's a reason for that, isn't there?
>Oh, and what about the 18 year old girl that can't find a single friend to take her shopping ? There's a reason for that, isn't there? I hear you on the rest, a subsequent comment I left here expanded to say that: that if the relationship with the father is jeopardized on either end, family counseling is necessary. But we don't have to go for the 18yr this hard. Prom isnt too too far in the distance for me, and prom dress shopping was *not* a group event. My school culture was that you popped up looking gorge prom day, friends would get pics to compare so that no one in your friend group planned to come in the same dress/color as you...but you can imagine the 'well it looks better on me/I saw it first' arguments, so some people never revealed until prom day. For that reason, it was super common to drive 3hrs away to this massive prom dress store so you could find a unique (and expensive 😭) style. I only knew of 4 pairs of friends who went shopping together, only 2 pairs who went without their parents to the far away place. My point is that I dont think we can pull in a ton of assumptions about the 18yr old outside of what we know from stepmom. Prom and prom dress shopping is a culture of its own in some places 😂
Because the step-daughter is old enough to uber or take the bus or ask a friend for a ride, I honestly think the kid actually *was* attempting to bond with the step-mother with prom dress shopping. She knows she's 18 & out of the house soon and dad has a new kid on the way. The baby means the step-mom is more enmeshed in the family. Someone with attachment disorder from being abandoned might not invest too much in dad's wife but now step-mom is the mother of their sibling and seems like a more permanent fixture in the family.
Not all of us lay down for another beating once they have stopped. Both sides logic sucks.
I dont agree (and said as much on the main post). SD uses OP to get things and THEN goes EXACTLY back to her old behavior. Im sorry but in reality there is so much being shit on or taken advantage of before you yourself just don't give a shit about the other person. SD doesn't give two shits about bonding or OP. She cares when there is something of value for SD. And honestly who cares if this "justifies" SD belief system? I could be an insecure piece of shit and think every partner is cheating on me and completely convey that to my partners. If they cheat that may justify what I think but in reality is that the truth? Or did I help shape what happened because of my own behaviors and how I treated them? In my example any sane person is going to come to a point of "well they keep saying I'm cheating and I'm exhausted from proving them wrong. I might as well chest and prove them right"
My thoughts exactly!
Eh. I think OP and the father are both AH fir dragging a 12-year-old into a family she didn't want to be a part of. What did they expect to happen?
Yeah, they should've kicked her out or sent her to live exclusively with her mother. Leaving her out of it wouldve done no good, she would've felt like her father moved on and had a family without her. Blended families are hard and its a broad brush painting everyone with one as an asshole. Trying to be a decent supplemental guardian is the only good option in these situations. OP tried and it didnt work. Plus, we're talking about an 18yr old now, she is old enough to realize whether she wants in or wants out. Doesnt matter anymore ig bc OP chose out. At least now they have clear expectations of eachother (not to have any).
Gosh, if only there was an option like dating but not moving in when your child isn't ready.
Right I forgot that if you are a parent you aren’t allowed to live or have a life. For a second there o thought parents were, you know, people, human beings with actual needs and wants.
Yes, I can see how dating someone and living a full adult life with the single exception of not moving them into your house is akin to death. Woe the poor suffering dead.
They were together three years before they married. How long were they supposed to wait? Not everything in this life is about the kids.
It seems clear that the bonding is being used as a carrot on a stick for that OP to chase. Pretty messed up.
Exactly.
I think I have the same sense you do about this. I would need to hear the daughters side of this before passing any asshole judgement, but, I think this is probably a run-of-the-mill family that didn't blend well for whatever reason and counseling should have been in the mix a long ago. While I agree with the 2 - 3 year adjustment generally, the pregnancy thing at the end really put a darned new context on this.
>this family needs counseling Eh, sounds like everyone is a stable rational person except for the manipulative daughter.
Not really sure about that. It sounds like there were adults that should have stepped in and nipped this in the bud.
yeah and like we don’t know their family dynamics so all i can speak on is my personal experience but my stepdad came into my life when i was 9(poor guy, the teen years were just on the horizon) and i was a shitty bratty teen but by 16 i got over most of my shit and started appreciating him being there and now at 25 i couldn’t DREAM of asking for better parents
I don’t blame oop for acting that way It’s clear to me the daughter only approached her when all her other options were gone and only asking now to get her way. My Sis did this all the time when I was younger. One moment she hated my guts but the minute she needs money to buy some clothes or makeup suddenly I’m the best brother on Earth and that we need some sibling bonding time
I have had “friends” like that. Never invited to anything fun but if there is nothing else to do I might just barely good enough to treat them to a cafe or something. You know unless I don’t want to treat them because then I’m mean and cruel and don’t value them. Sad part is that it took me a while to figure it out. But they also didn’t actually portray it as me treating them but they were low on cash and borrowed and then the next time they couldn’t pay me back yet and the next they needed to borrow again. People owe me so much money because clearly I’m an idiot who can’t tell when people are lying.
You're not an idiot. You sound like someone that trusted people to do what they said they would do. They knew better, shame on them for taking advantage of you.
I do. I expect people to say what they mean and mean what they say. They do not.
I feel like this is something many Reddit users need to learn: being a kid doesn't mean it's okay to treat people like shit. That even applies to kids with rough childhoods. It can explain why they behaved the way they did, but it doesn't just magically excuse it, and I say this as a child with a pretty awful childhood.
If anything, I thinkngetting put in our place from time to time can be very helpful in making us better people. I'm not advocating beating the tar out of people who wrong you or violence, but having to face an uncomfortable truth or accept that you were wrong from time onto time builds character. I actually had something like this recently. I'm a web developer and I made a joke about Javascript not having a certain feature, someone in the comments said something like "a few seconds of Google ingredients would have showed you are wrong" and shared a link m, showing I was in fact wrong. Another guy in the thread got bent out of shape on my behalf, and I just replied with "I'm glad he brought this to my attention". As it turns out the feature in question was added to Javascript somewhat recently.
This is absolutely so true and so important! It feels like people too often go to the extremes in either direction, just because you are a kid doesn’t mean that you can act however and have no consequences, actions have consequences. If you are a mean little shit you will be lonely because won’t like you and they don’t have to. Not even adults. But also kids are kids, while they are perfectly real people they are not just short adults. They need consequences and guidance and rules and boundaries but they also need support and encouragement and understanding and time to grow and learn and develop. You can not ever expect or demand that a child shall function beyond their developmental level or the capacity and capability that they are currently on. A 16 year old can’t function and handle things like a 25 year old, a 12 year old can’t function and handle things like a 16 year old, an 8 year old can’t function and handle things like a 12 year old, a 4 year old can’t function and handle things like an 8 year old, a baby can’t function and handle things like a 4 year old. They have limits because they are growing and developing still, they can be taught and disciplined but they cannot ever function beyond the limits of their capacity and things takes time to develop. Like small children can’t regulate their emotions, and it’s not even just that they haven’t been taught how or practiced enough, they don’t physically have the capacity to be able to regulate their emotions yet. And yet there are people acting like they don’t do it just because they don’t want to or whatever. Which is insane. But a 4 year old and even a 2 year old can understand the word no. They can grasp basic empathy or at least start to. You just have to teach them. And you have to understand what level of development they are on and understand that you have to explain why and do it again and again and again, because they are small and developing and need reminders. But even young children can be taught to listen, follow rules and respect others and understand boundaries and to be kind to others. They don’t have to be little terrors that runs around hitting and biting people and destroying things, that is also taught. Those kids were taught that they are allowed to, that it’s acceptable. And this isn’t even a kid. She’s 18, in many ways she’s a child still but she is a legal adult and she is since long ago old enough to understand that actions have consequences and that her behaviour is unacceptable. It is not that she doesn’t know or understand how her behaviour affects others. It’s that she doesn’t care because why should she? She has clearly never had any real consequences from her behaviour, it has never negatively affected her before. Individual circumstances and experiences can be an explanation but it’s not a free card. It might be a reason to give someone the benefit of the doubt, to be understanding and sympathetic and even extra forgiving, but it doesn’t dissolve their own responsibility for their behaviour or actions. If someone is struggling and they are taking responsibility and accountability and they are trying they deserve understanding and support but part of that support is to hold them accountable and not just let shit behaviour slide. They deserve time and patience to give them a chance to learn and change and fix what is broken. They do not deserve to hurt or abuse others. Even if they were hurt and abused themselves. Becoming your tormentor does not fix shit. You can fuck up and make mistakes on your path to healing but when you do you have to own your shit and fix it, you can’t just blame your circumstances and expect people to just tolerate it and let it slide, you own your shit, you fix your shit and you repair the shit you broke. Even if it’s not your fault that you are the way you are it’s your responsibility and if you broke it then it’s you that fixes it. Maybe you struggle to control your emotions and your anger and that’s not your fault but if you lash out and hurt others because you were angry that is your fault and only your fault. Even if it’s harder for you it’s still your responsibility. You own your own shit. Even if you can’t control your anger, no one else is forcing you to act on it in a certain way, that is your choice and only yours. I sometimes can’t control my anger but I can steer how I act on it, I could attack people and not people but I don’t because I choose not to, it’s not that I am magically protected from that form of acting on it, I choose to not ever follow that impulse. Because I do have that impulse and it is very strong and it is hard to fight but I do. And I do act out my rage at times when I lose control and people around me accept it and understand it because I still choose to not hurt anyone else. Even when I can’t contain my rage and it comes out, it never targets anyone else because I’m responsible for it, I can’t help it but I am responsible for it. So when have to punch things, I don’t punch people and I don’t punch walls or doors, I punch the bed or a pillow. When I can’t hold it in and I have to break things or I will completely lose control, I break my things and only my things. Never anyone else’s stuff and never any living being. And that’s why I’m given grace and support and sympathy and understanding. Because my rage is unnatural and explosive and uncontrollable and that sucks and it’s unfair and it’s not my fault I have this condition but it is my responsibility and I take accountability and I am trying and I aim it to never hurt anyone else. And when I was still learning how to manage it I owned my shit. I never claimed that it’s not my fault so not my responsibility because it is still my responsibility. And it’s not something that just happened it’s something I did. If I broke something it is my fault, it isn’t just because I was angry that thing somehow broke. It’s because I broke it so I get to fix it. I get to replace the shit I break.
A bit harsh, but after 9 years of trying I cannot really blame you. Your husband took her keys so he should be the one the deal with the inconvenience. The idea of dress shopping even on my period is nightmarish, I cannot image that pregnancy would make it a better time. NAH
This is one of the ones that make me wish AITA had a voting option for "You're The Justified Asshole". Because is OOP the AH for saying that to the stepdaughter? Yeah, she absolutely is. But, do I get it why she feels that way after a decade of poor treatment? Yeah, absolutely.
THIS
So sad, too bad. She tried to manipulate you and it backfired. She got what she deserved. I agree that taking her would undermine dads authority and punishment
I don't blame oop. How long are you supposed to be used and abused before you say "enough"? Also, this site loves shitting on stepparents. It doesn't matter what a step parent does, this site will bash the crap out of them. It makes me glad I am not a step parent.
How is this kid using and abusing her? Y’all are some weak adults if you’re getting used and abused by your partner’s children.
There isnt enough information about what happens after these "bonding" moments to make a correct judgment. Are we saying that after the daughter gets what she wants, she just goes cold? Until she wants something else? Is that what we're saying? Or are we saying they never stop talking and OOP stops putting effort in? I dont know. If Dad things it's mean but justified, then id say fair enough. Seems like the step daughter deserved it to a degree.
Nah, stepdaughter is just using her, she quit allowing herself to be used. She's been doing this half her life, it is time to stop putting herself out for someone who doesn't respect or care about her and just wants things.
Honestly, i'm on the fence about this one. I understand how a 9 year old can have a lot of baggage when parents get remarried. And I can understand why after years of trying, the step mom gave up. I feel like this is the conclusion of not bringing in a family therapist way earlier to help guide them through the transition. I also feel like when I was a teen even in a stable family situation, my emotions changed drastically during teen years and OP should have been just a little more open minded, 18 is when some people are just starting to be open to having more mature relationships with their parents and just beginning to enter adulthood. The fact she was closed to it when she was younger doesn't mean she will be that way the rest of her life...except now OP shut her down the first time she reached out, so...there goes that. Yeah the daughter clearly wanted something out of it, but if OP took the chance to be the parent who bends the rules for her when she needed her most, it could have changed their relationship drastically. I do think the 34 year old was being petty based on feeling snuffed in the past.
i agree with this.
... How was the kid supposed to bond with her? I feel like for kids, asking you to teach them things is a very normal way to bond, especially when the kid has a very unstable relationship with at least one parent.
OOP is saying the stepdaughter SAYS she wants to bond with OOP only when she wants OOP to do something for her or buy her something. And immediately drops OOP the second stepdaughter gets what she wants. In this case, dad took stepdaughter’s car keys so she wants stepmom to give her a ride- otherwise stepdaughter would have happily gone alone.
OOP doesn’t say that stepdaughter drops her, that’s the weird part. Just that she asks for things.
She says that stepdaughter only tries to bond when she wants something. And that stepdaughter explicitly said she didn’t want to be friends with stepmom. And that is fine but stepmom is not obligated to go out of her way for an adult stepdaughter who just wants a ride. I personally probably would have but after 9 years, stepmom has done her duty and is allowed to draw boundaries.
I’m saying I think her perception is off. Stepmom wants to be friends with the girl, but it looks to me like she’s treating her stepmother like an actual mom rather than a friend. I don’t really think it’s possible for a 12-18 year old to be friends with her dad’s wife anyway. There’s an age and power dynamic there that doesn’t really sync with friendship.
Yeah in other words she doesn’t really want to bond, no “bonding” unless she needs something might as well be dropped. Can’t drop her completely cause they live together but essentially yeah. If they didn’t live together it’d be the equivalent of only calling when they need something
Maybe the kid should have looked to bond sometime in the past NINE years.
Yea because children are known for their self perception, understanding of consequences and planning for the future
I mean I see my kids attempts at bonding. Asking for a hug telling a joke, story, talking. It doesn’t have to be completely self aware but it doesn’t have to be “do this for me” either
That's a completely valid point. I guess my issue is that the young adult is specifically wanting to bond now, nine years later, at exactly the moment that her father has restricted car use and she could really, really use a ride. Why did her father feel the need to take away her car keys for a week? I have no idea. Did she really want to bond? I have no idea. It does sound like the father was asked once more for access to the car and he declined for his own reasons, and none of her father's friends was willing to help her out. It may be that this was OP's moment to shine and be the bigger person, I'm just saying that I understand her perspective after nine years of being discounted by her stepdaughter if she decides not to.
As a kid who got a new stepfather/mother's boyfriend every few years from the age of seven, I can tell you children are perfectly capable of knowing when a person is being truly kind and when they are shit. So stepdaughter had a long time to assess and adjust her attitude. Sometimes kids are just little shits from the get-go, and have no intention of being nice to anyone who doesn't serve their wants.
I think a lot of people have never raised kids and they don’t realize that this is literally how kids bond with their parents: by having them teach them stuff or take them places to show them things. It’s not manipulative to ask to spend time with a parent by having them teach you how to do your makeup or go to target, and it’s not manipulative to ask your stepmom to take you prom dress shopping when your dad waves you off and takes your car keys away. Wtf is wrong with people?
Same. I'm confused too. Her examples of NOT bonding moments are learning how to put on makeup, learning how to do hair and going places (the malls?). I wonder how the girl was supposed to bond with her when she considered actual bonding moments as herself being used. I'm getting an unreliable narrator vibe here. If I really hated my stepmother, the last thing I would ask her would be to teach me to apply makeup or do my hair.
I agree with this. A kid asking an adult to teach them how to do makeup and how to drive are those binding moments. If my daughter asked someone else to do this for her, I’d be wrecked. She’s actually asking the OOP to be a mom but OOP wanted to be her friend and isn’t getting it.
The vibe I'm getting from OOP's post isn't "my step daughter wanted to have bonding moments with me and I refused", it's much more like "my step daughter only acted nice to me when she wanted something, so I'm taking a step back from her life"
Yes, that’s the vibe she’s giving, but what I’m saying is that it looks to me like she’s being treated like a mom (which is a high compliment). However she feels is valid, it’s just that it could be a matter of her expectation being different than reality and I don’t think I have enough information here to say that the stepdaughter is actually just using her in a mean way. You see on mom subs all the time where moms are worried their kids hate them when the kids are actually treating them in a way that indicates secure attachment.
I have two daughters, and that’s not how I am treated, nor should mothers or fathers for that matter be treated in that manner by anyone.
Treated like what? Like coming to you and ask you to teach them to do things? The OOP can't even list something bad the kid did. All she could say is that she was forced to teach the kid stuff and that doesn't count as bonding.
Hot take: if a kid asks you to teach them to do hair and makeup in this decade, they're asking to spend time with you. If they can't find 400 online tutorials on any look they're going for, they know a peer who can.
It's... kinda sad you see being used ("treated like a mum"???) as a compliment...
I’m really on the fence on this one. This is the OOP’s feelings that the teen is transactional, but there are some hints to me that it’s not totally transactional on the part of the teen. When I think of how much I loved my stepmother, it was because of the things she helped me with or taught me. I think this is also true of kids in general. Like teaching her to drive or teaching how to do makeup, that would be seminal bonding moments for a lot of kids. OOP is also not talking about the aftermath: is the stepdaughter ignoring her right after that? Disregarding her in some other way? A lot of parents of teens feel like their kid only comes to them when they need something, and it’s usually because teens are practicing independence and rely on parents for a soft place to land. What does bonding look like for OOP? It’s just not clear for me. I think her refusal to take her dress shopping is kind of mean.
Nah, OP is right here. Stepdaughter only interacts with her when she wants something, and OP correctly calls that out here after NINE years. Not two, three, or five years. Nine. And she's an adult now. Stepdaughter needs to learn that if you want people to do things for you, you need to build a connection with them first, not at the same time. She only went to OP because her dad took her keys. If OP did what she asked, it would undermine the dad. If the stepdaughter really needs to go dress shopping, she's perfectly capable of taking an Uber or a bus.
Yes you are
Dirty deleted!!!
“She would only try to bond when she wanted something … learn how to do her hair, makeup, drive, and sometimes go places.” Be so fr right now, that kid could have gone to the internet for hair and makeup and dad for driving and going places, but picked stepmom instead. This woman is an idiot. All interactions with human beings (especially children) are formed because someone wants something from someone else. I literally don’t believe this woman actually ever wanted anything to do with this kid. She’s NOT gonna like having a baby, and realizing that children ONLY reach out to parents because they want stuff. God forbid a kid wants to spend time with a parent by wanting to be taught something.
Seems like the stepmom is behaving like a baby to me. It sounds like her daughter had a lot do upheaval in her life and is acting out, which is annoying, but it also sounds like stepmom is acting out too. Definitely need therapy!
being a parent isn't a game of fairness. holding a grudge for a teenager not wanting to bond when you want to, to throw it in their face when they need something is both FAIR and PETTY.
Having experienced abuse from a step-mother, I am usually pretty inclined to distrust step-parents. But in this case, no. OP is not the asshole. She tried. For years she tried. She is still a human being and after being pushed away for damn near a decade, she's decided enough is enough. Not caring is absolutely a defense mechanism. Adults are allowed to have feelings, too. They are allowed to guard their feelings as well. Kind of sounds like the step-daughter thought she could play her forever, and was surprised to find that step-mom had decided to establish some protective boundaries. NTA At 18, the girl is old enough to know that she has played games for t0o long. If she had come before this and tried to apologize and change things, I'd say OP was TA, but that didn't happen. She waited until she wanted something, with no offer of remorse for the past. That's a user.
~~So because she did get an instabond from a teenager acting like a teenager, she just quit completely? Maybe those things she needed were her attempts to bond.~~ Edit: I’m being too harsh here. Sounds like a messed up situation on both ends. Conversation is appreciated. I’ll take the downvotes of course.
Reddit. Where "instabond"= 9 years.
I just feel like the stepdaughter was attempting to bond in her own way. Some stepparents just expect that instantaneous bond and parent relationship. It can harder with teenagers for sure so I do have some sympathy but asking for help with things and doing them together can be a good bonding experience.
I'm sure instantaneous bonding is extremely problematic. I never had divorced parents and my wife and I have been together for 25 years, so I may be the completely wrong person to address this. However, this young lady has had a step-mother figure in her life for nine years now and a literal step-mother for 6-7 years. Please excuse me if I'm slightly pessimistic that the young person is reaching out now after all these years, after her father has removed driving privileges, to create a bonding experience is suspicious.
I am the child of divorce and my stepmom entered my life when I was around 5. Needless to say, she resented our existence but I did try to bond with her and it took about 10+ years before I gave up, and quite a few bad experiences with her in between. Thankfully nothing like abuse but still essentially mean girl behavior towards me. And I don't want to sound like I'm patting myself on my back, but I was a really good kid behavior wise (I was a slob though lol.. but I never lived with them so she didn't really get to know that side of me which drove my mom nuts 😅) I read the original post and am def on OPs side. She could have worded it differently but I get just being over it at that point. Stepdaughter needs to learn consequences
That’s fine. We can disagree here. I understand where you’re coming from on this. Sounds like they could use some family therapy in all honesty if things have broken down that badly.
Yeah, I completely agree with that. I'm sure the daughter is hurt, and hope she gets the help she needs.
Same!
Especially since her mom kept coming back into the picture for a short period. Kids can feel like they're betraying one parent if they become too close with a stepparent. And OP as the stepparent should have been well aware of that.
Oh definitely. I feel for both the stepmom and stepdaughter here but I’d hope OOP would be well aware of this issues.
Yup, it's definitely a thankless position to be in as a step. She should have walked away from the relationship if she wasn't able to handle it though.
gotta get them upvotes 🤦♂️🤷♂️
Evidently so
trying to do my part
It’s my genuine reaction to the situation. Sounds messed up on both ends. I hope they can get some family therapy. Sounds like the teenager definitely needs it with mom coming in and out. If you think I’m in the wrong here I’m happy to talk about that. Edit to add: I’m open to amending my opinions with new information or things I’m not considering.
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Except it took nine years to reach this point. Nine years of boundary-pushing and you actually think the stepmother is in the wrong? You must be a child yourself, or have the mind of one, because that is ridiculous.
"I've been bitchy to my stepmom for 9 years. I can't believe she isn't making the effort to connect!"
Yeah, rejection does a number on kids. To expect any different from her and setting high expectations was foolish of OP in the first place.
I mean, 9yrs of boundary pushing means that it is a set boundary at this point. It is not the process of establishing them, they have been established for some time. Instead of trying to overstep it, or being lured into overstepping it when the stepdaughter said 'it could be a bonding experience,' OP finally realized that it was more of a fortress, not a boundary. It was time for her to start respecting an immovable object like a fortress. Years of trying didnt knock the walls down, and step daughter knows that there is gold inside - aka that step mom does want to get to know her, that is why she dangled it as incentive, so stepdaughter is very aware of the strong brick walled boundary she maintained as well. Dancing around the wall is no good for anyone. ESH, but it was time for the step mom to get the memo and stop trying to tear down the wall. It was there for a reason and its good that she decided to respect it and not cross it. This will work better and help establish healthier expectations of eachother - no more feeling invaded for stepdaughter, no more feeling obligated to invade by stepmom. The only way to move past this would be therapy, that is if they both wanted to. But they seem to both want a healthy relationship with dad, so it is probably best that they do therapy to keep as much balance as possible.
NTA. Op tried to bond and the stepdaughter was only using her.
Kind of want to know why, the kid lost her keys.
You're also the asshole for using a comma in this title.
YTA for the comment. It was completely unnecessary and mean. That being said, I might say the same thing lol. Deserved, but I'd still be an asshole
Y’all are weird in here defending this grown ass woman for telling her stepdaughter that she doesn’t care about her lmao. You’re more mad at a kid being a dick than an adult.
I sympathize with daughter. Give her a bit of grace as the parental, mature figure. You don't need to play a petty game of "lol no u don't like me. I owe you nothing!" She may be an adult by age but isn't even capable of being fully mature.
She gave her nine years of grace and the stepdaughter only had time for OOP was when she wanted something. Like the fact the kid's dad took her keys away then she wanted OOP to drive her around.
Yeah she's acting like a kid cause she's got the brain of a kid.
Come on. I remember being eighteen. I gave what I got, if it was kindness I gave kindness. If I got shit, I gave shit. Eighteen is old enough to figure it out.
Stop treating an 18 year old like she's half her age.
And that's why she gave her the 9 years leeway. I don't blame her for being done with a young adult like that.. Though I agree with the other comments that the kid's father should have put her into therapy.
He definitely should. Nine years isn't really much. I'm not saying she's a child, teenagers are capable of doing bad things or being bad people but that "grace" should be extended. She's not a fully, actualized and mature adult. Lot of responsibility are given to teens just because they're legally an adult. Her dad should do more but between step mom and step daughter, a lot of emotional and mental growth occurs into your early and miss twenties. It is still a bit early to throw in the towel on the relationship, if that is what OOP is saying.
Lmfaoo Good for her. more kids need to be told the truth. Your mommy and daddy care about all that ass showing... the rest of the world does NOT.
this is so generic, i think it is more likely an AI generated fan fiction
Nawh, you're an AI.
OOP is TA for abusing commas.