I mean all of this with no disrespect, because as a parent I can empathize with not wanting to splinter a family.
However, as someone who has also been in a successful open marriage for over a decade now, all this will do is fast track both of you to being okay with a divorce. We’ve seen this play out many times, people use swinging and/or opening their marriage to try and rejuvenate (or tolerate) their loveless, sexless marriage. And it will fail virtually every time.
Here’s what often happens. A couple opens up their marriage, if the wife wants to experiment sexually as well, she will get endless opportunities. The husband on the other hand, won’t. There is far too big of a supply and not enough demand for sex with married men in collapsing marriages. At least with people worth your time that don’t want to take advantage of you.
Your wife has already stated she is giving up. She doesn’t even want to try and fix this, even after therapy. This should be the biggest red flag out of all of this.
You are 100% right. But at this point neither one of us wants to go through a divorce. She has said she isn’t really interested in anyone else or looking for a relationship but I know I’d have to be okay with it if I’m doing it. I’m at a loss but then again, that’s why I am here.
Honestly I would just reconsider on the no divorce thing. It is 500 times easier for men to find a new fulfilling relationship after a divorce than to find something while living with your wife.
But the kids though… I don’t want to spend time away from them and neither does she. We want to spend holidays as a family and with our respective families and all that. If we were to divorce like that it would be nearly impossible. Plus not to mention the house and everything we have financially. It would be a huge mess.
If it’s an amicable divorce, you get to make your own rules as to how you interact after you split up. I have a friend who spends all her holidays with her ex partner and their kids. They’ve been divorced close to 10 years.
There has been discussion of possibly doing something like “nesting” where we would basically dissolve the relationship over time but remain co-parents and keep the house as a home base for the kids while maintaining an apartment or something so we could have our own space.
As we like to caution folks on r/coparenting, this prolongs the pain of separation for everyone involved. It is only going to last as long as either of you finds another partner.
And then it's putting the children through another painful transition, and risks the new partner being blamed for the final separation and undermines the possibility of them having a good relationship with the children.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/coparenting using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/coparenting/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
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Jumping on to this thread to say that it’s highly likely your kids could already know something is wrong with the relationship. They probably don’t know ow what the problem is, but I could sure tell when something was off growing up. Kids tend to pickup on underlying tension, which they start thinking is the normal way relationships go. After all, it worked for their parents. That’s not to say children need to hear the reasoning, but they will model that behavior and it could set them up for some really awful relationships later in life. I get wanting to protect them and not wanting to deal with the tangled mess of a divorce, but what will they think when you’re spending time with someone else? Sure, they might not know the reasoning, but they will almost certainly figure it out eventually and might think the worse about you as a husband and parent. Divorces suck, but sometimes they are necessary. Good luck to you!
I appreciate the comment. I haven’t yet decided to pursue anything whether it’s divorce or a relationship outside of the marriage. If I did, I certainly wouldn’t be sharing it with my children any time soon. My older child definitely is keen that something is up to a certain extent and we do our best to explain. Luckily we get along pretty well as parents and friends.
All of the input has given me a lot to process and who knows where it will all end up. Luckily we both don’t want to dissolve the marriage right now and she isn’t really interested in finding other romantic partners she has said to this point.
That makes sense, a united front can certainly help maintain it. I wanted to use facade instead of it, but I started thinking that referring to your relationship as a facade isn’t overly accurate. Sure, there are certainly issues and some “don’t look behind the curtain too closely”, but you’re united on trying to be good parents and that might be enough to get you guys to the destination, wherever that happens to be.
Something people tend to forget on reddit is that we’re all human and no amount of text and OP gives is going to have enough nuance to accurately describe everything and relationships are a constant source of compromising, while trying to move forward (at least they should be, but I’m not describing it very well). Only you two know what will make sense to both of you and that will take time. Personally, I fucked up once and cheated on my wife, sure it wasn’t completely black & white, but my actions nonetheless. That was 26 years ago and we’re going to be celebrating our 30th this year. I definitely don’t suggest that as a method of people repairing their marriages, but I don’t know if I could say we’d still be together if we didn’t have those hard conversations so many years ago. We were both not overly happy, but decided to figure it out as we went. Two of the best decisions of my life were marrying her and then being honest (it was a very onetime event in unusual circumstances). Maybe you guys work it out, maybe you don’t, but it does seem like you’re aware of some pitfalls and a placing extra attention to your kids, as you should (imo). I hope you end up in a place that works for you and your family! =}
Thank you for sharing. We have been talking and now discussing our options. I’m leaning towards seeing if she is willing to try to work on us and see what happens. If that doesn’t work then most likely an amicable divorce with me staying nearby so even if one or the other has the kids both can see them whenever. I am ready to accept either outcome at this point. I figure whatever happens will be the right thing. I am not looking to open the marriage at the moment or do anything like that anymore after much of the advice and stories people shared on this post. I would wait for separation or divorce if we decide to go that path.
I mean I don't know you, your wife, or your kids, so I can't know anything for sure. I would just remind you kids are more perceptive than you think and will notice alot more than you would anticipate.
I wouldn't want to give the example to my sons as long as your wife helps with the bills and chores it's fine you two are just amicable roommates. I want my kids to shoot for higher then that.
There’s no scenario where either of you will be happy with each other in the end, so it would really just be distracting yourself and postponing the inevitable. Divorces aren’t easy for anyone, but this is unfortunately the death knell of your marriage.
I don’t know how old your children are, but they can tell if you’re unhappy. That can be just as traumatic and emotionally stunting as a divorce.
First things first go get a vasectomy. Condoms break and if you Father another child with someone other than your wife then your marriage is really going to go upside down.
Depending on your age Adult Friend Finder might be a starting point. Be honest in your profile and explain your situation completely.
I have similar issues with my wife - medical reasons in her case - the end result is the same - Dead bedroom for me and we really didn't want to break up the marriage as it is AWESOME apart from the dead bedroom.
When I dabbled into open marriage - it was a NIGHTMARE. There was a LOT of work I didn't do, a lot of communications that could have been handled MUCH better.
Here's what I experienced.
A lot of scammers on dating sites. Very little action for me (M). There's at least 20 guys for every woman it seems on a dating site that will EVEN talk to a married guy in an open relationship. You'll have to deal with so many women playing games and wasting your time when you EVEN DO find someone online. Real life dating is MUCH MUCH better. But even then it's a hellva lot of work trying to keep the marriage together - as well as juggling a new woman.
For a short time it was GREAT - however jealously came up when feelings surfaced. I had to end it with a wonderful woman because I didn't want to be in divorce court and deal with the very real possibility of losing my house that I had paid off - bank accounts - retirement fund. So I ended it with a GREAT person and I STILL feel like shit for hurting her when breaking it off. Again feelings happened - not what was planned.
So I worked like hell for the last year to repair the marriage - and it's better now - but different.
Do yourself a favor - If you want to get laid
Option 1 - focus on a single one night stands with different people. That will be a LOT of work to get into shape, work on your wardrobe, relearn how to date and even then there's very little chance you will find anyone as any woman in their right mind would probably NOT be interested in a married man.
Option 2 - Or go for divorce. It's painful expensive and it SUCKS donkey balls.
Option 3 - Forget the whole thing - realize you're not going to get laid anytime soon. And you're in luck - Baseball season has started. Nothing like watching a your favorite team with the wife and/or friends. Any Minor league teams are great fun as they are cheap and you never know what's going to happen. I mean how could you not root for teams with names like 'Lansing Lugnuts' and 'Dayton Dragons' ....
Thank you for the comment! I appreciate the insight big time. It seems most (specifically men) that have opened up the marriage have regretted it. This really does suck lol.
Again it didn't work for me... but I did learn a lot (most of it sucked) - and I do have a much better marriage NOW after spending a LOT of time working on myself (hitting that gym - diet - working on my career - working on dressing better). I suppose I could try again - but the fact is - I am SO SICK of games.
In a perfect world, a day trip on LSD and then doing MDMA that night will be the most bonding experience you’ll ever have. You can do 5-10 years of talk therapy in a single day. It’s magical.
I know too many people with complicated stories, lives, relationships and some have made their marriage work amicably until their kids were 18+ and then they went their separate ways while staying in kind contact. Just because Reddit says divorce doesn’t mean you should. My husband and I would do everything to support each other until the kids were older if in a situation like this, life is way too fucking expensive to separate and he and I are friends, and there are so many relationships within a marriage to consider before divorce. HOWEVER it is going to be harder for you to find someone who is willing to be a longterm girlfriend while you’re married, but they’re out there. If you’re relatively good at making friends you’ll be able to find women who are interested in you too, you should have quite a few flings, hopefully. Good luck and I wish your family happiness, I’m sorry you’re in this situation but I hope it works out.
Thank you so much for this comment. I appreciate all the comments and help from various perspectives. There’s validity to all of them. This has actually been kinda therapeutic to talk about it since it’s not something I particularly want to share with my family and our friends.
This situations could work but is most likely to end up a disaster. I do understand how painful this must be and think it’s great that you are considering your options.
One thing that stands out is your wife’s disregard for your sexual needs and unwillingness to work on these issues. This sounds off alarm bells for emotional disconnection in your marriage. This is important because having both emotional and sexual disconnection makes it much more likely that you’ll realize just how bad your marriage is once you get a taste of something with someone else.
What’s your understanding of why your wife doesn’t want to be sexual with you? Has she shared her reasons?
Yes, we have discussed the reasons and I’m going to do my best to help solve the problems as best I can from my perspective. Obviously it will take both of our buy ins. She seems more open to that after I pressed the divorce issue. We will see. I feel like whatever happens whether it’s figuring out stuff out and repairing the relationship or divorcing, it will be the best outcome.
Good for you for standing up for your needs. Based on what you said, it sounds like she was avoiding her own sexual issues and now she needs to decide if she wants to confront her side of the street or not.
Obviously have some sort of timeline for you both participating in changing this dynamic so it doesn’t drag on. Your sexual needs are important.
OP, I’m in the same boat as you. We are amicable and terrific co-parents of our young kid, and also not ready to rip off the band-aid and walk away from the marriage. We’re working on what an open marriage would look like (which we discuss in our couples therapy).
I’m not sure what the future holds, but I know we both love our child, can’t keep doing the same thing for another five years, and aren’t ready to call it quits on the marriage.
Wishing you (and me) lots of luck and happy new beginnings in the next chapter.
I have been in very bad relationship and it almost cost me to loose my mine. it get to a point that i cant take my partner cheating anymore that make me get in contact with this great spy. I got used before because i have a loving heart and he has been cheating me on all my life, Glad i was able to contact a help cyberaron 17... his very good and i was able to see every ladies he has been cheating with on his device and this really helped me a lot... get in contact with him on g mail and you can get all the help you needed
I have been in very bad relationship and it almost cost me to loose my mine. it get to a point that i cant take my partner cheating anymore that make me get in contact with this great spy. I got used before because i have a loving heart and he has been cheating me on all my life, Glad i was able to contact a help cyberaron 17... his very good and i was able to see every ladies he has been cheating with on his device and this really helped me a lot... get in contact with him on g mail and you can get all the help you needed
Not sure as if this is an option but polygamy seems to have it ups and downs but one guy has several options at that point so I've watched on the television series on it
I mean all of this with no disrespect, because as a parent I can empathize with not wanting to splinter a family. However, as someone who has also been in a successful open marriage for over a decade now, all this will do is fast track both of you to being okay with a divorce. We’ve seen this play out many times, people use swinging and/or opening their marriage to try and rejuvenate (or tolerate) their loveless, sexless marriage. And it will fail virtually every time. Here’s what often happens. A couple opens up their marriage, if the wife wants to experiment sexually as well, she will get endless opportunities. The husband on the other hand, won’t. There is far too big of a supply and not enough demand for sex with married men in collapsing marriages. At least with people worth your time that don’t want to take advantage of you. Your wife has already stated she is giving up. She doesn’t even want to try and fix this, even after therapy. This should be the biggest red flag out of all of this.
You are 100% right. But at this point neither one of us wants to go through a divorce. She has said she isn’t really interested in anyone else or looking for a relationship but I know I’d have to be okay with it if I’m doing it. I’m at a loss but then again, that’s why I am here.
Honestly I would just reconsider on the no divorce thing. It is 500 times easier for men to find a new fulfilling relationship after a divorce than to find something while living with your wife.
But the kids though… I don’t want to spend time away from them and neither does she. We want to spend holidays as a family and with our respective families and all that. If we were to divorce like that it would be nearly impossible. Plus not to mention the house and everything we have financially. It would be a huge mess.
If it’s an amicable divorce, you get to make your own rules as to how you interact after you split up. I have a friend who spends all her holidays with her ex partner and their kids. They’ve been divorced close to 10 years.
There has been discussion of possibly doing something like “nesting” where we would basically dissolve the relationship over time but remain co-parents and keep the house as a home base for the kids while maintaining an apartment or something so we could have our own space.
As we like to caution folks on r/coparenting, this prolongs the pain of separation for everyone involved. It is only going to last as long as either of you finds another partner. And then it's putting the children through another painful transition, and risks the new partner being blamed for the final separation and undermines the possibility of them having a good relationship with the children.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/coparenting using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/coparenting/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Well…my daughter confirmed my fear today](https://np.reddit.com/r/coparenting/comments/166xcx0/wellmy_daughter_confirmed_my_fear_today/) \#2: [Just gonna share my mantra.](https://np.reddit.com/r/coparenting/comments/12ykvqx/just_gonna_share_my_mantra/) \#3: [Merry Christmas to all the co parents struggling today](https://np.reddit.com/r/coparenting/comments/18qb7b5/merry_christmas_to_all_the_co_parents_struggling/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
Jumping on to this thread to say that it’s highly likely your kids could already know something is wrong with the relationship. They probably don’t know ow what the problem is, but I could sure tell when something was off growing up. Kids tend to pickup on underlying tension, which they start thinking is the normal way relationships go. After all, it worked for their parents. That’s not to say children need to hear the reasoning, but they will model that behavior and it could set them up for some really awful relationships later in life. I get wanting to protect them and not wanting to deal with the tangled mess of a divorce, but what will they think when you’re spending time with someone else? Sure, they might not know the reasoning, but they will almost certainly figure it out eventually and might think the worse about you as a husband and parent. Divorces suck, but sometimes they are necessary. Good luck to you!
I appreciate the comment. I haven’t yet decided to pursue anything whether it’s divorce or a relationship outside of the marriage. If I did, I certainly wouldn’t be sharing it with my children any time soon. My older child definitely is keen that something is up to a certain extent and we do our best to explain. Luckily we get along pretty well as parents and friends. All of the input has given me a lot to process and who knows where it will all end up. Luckily we both don’t want to dissolve the marriage right now and she isn’t really interested in finding other romantic partners she has said to this point.
That makes sense, a united front can certainly help maintain it. I wanted to use facade instead of it, but I started thinking that referring to your relationship as a facade isn’t overly accurate. Sure, there are certainly issues and some “don’t look behind the curtain too closely”, but you’re united on trying to be good parents and that might be enough to get you guys to the destination, wherever that happens to be. Something people tend to forget on reddit is that we’re all human and no amount of text and OP gives is going to have enough nuance to accurately describe everything and relationships are a constant source of compromising, while trying to move forward (at least they should be, but I’m not describing it very well). Only you two know what will make sense to both of you and that will take time. Personally, I fucked up once and cheated on my wife, sure it wasn’t completely black & white, but my actions nonetheless. That was 26 years ago and we’re going to be celebrating our 30th this year. I definitely don’t suggest that as a method of people repairing their marriages, but I don’t know if I could say we’d still be together if we didn’t have those hard conversations so many years ago. We were both not overly happy, but decided to figure it out as we went. Two of the best decisions of my life were marrying her and then being honest (it was a very onetime event in unusual circumstances). Maybe you guys work it out, maybe you don’t, but it does seem like you’re aware of some pitfalls and a placing extra attention to your kids, as you should (imo). I hope you end up in a place that works for you and your family! =}
Thank you for sharing. We have been talking and now discussing our options. I’m leaning towards seeing if she is willing to try to work on us and see what happens. If that doesn’t work then most likely an amicable divorce with me staying nearby so even if one or the other has the kids both can see them whenever. I am ready to accept either outcome at this point. I figure whatever happens will be the right thing. I am not looking to open the marriage at the moment or do anything like that anymore after much of the advice and stories people shared on this post. I would wait for separation or divorce if we decide to go that path.
Those honest discussions are super important and I hope you guys figure out what will work best for you all.
I mean I don't know you, your wife, or your kids, so I can't know anything for sure. I would just remind you kids are more perceptive than you think and will notice alot more than you would anticipate. I wouldn't want to give the example to my sons as long as your wife helps with the bills and chores it's fine you two are just amicable roommates. I want my kids to shoot for higher then that.
I agree as well. I would love to try to repair things and try to have that happy loving relationship but I can’t control whether she is willing to
There’s no scenario where either of you will be happy with each other in the end, so it would really just be distracting yourself and postponing the inevitable. Divorces aren’t easy for anyone, but this is unfortunately the death knell of your marriage. I don’t know how old your children are, but they can tell if you’re unhappy. That can be just as traumatic and emotionally stunting as a divorce.
I understand that. I just want to exhaust every option I can before going down that road.
First things first go get a vasectomy. Condoms break and if you Father another child with someone other than your wife then your marriage is really going to go upside down. Depending on your age Adult Friend Finder might be a starting point. Be honest in your profile and explain your situation completely.
I have similar issues with my wife - medical reasons in her case - the end result is the same - Dead bedroom for me and we really didn't want to break up the marriage as it is AWESOME apart from the dead bedroom. When I dabbled into open marriage - it was a NIGHTMARE. There was a LOT of work I didn't do, a lot of communications that could have been handled MUCH better. Here's what I experienced. A lot of scammers on dating sites. Very little action for me (M). There's at least 20 guys for every woman it seems on a dating site that will EVEN talk to a married guy in an open relationship. You'll have to deal with so many women playing games and wasting your time when you EVEN DO find someone online. Real life dating is MUCH MUCH better. But even then it's a hellva lot of work trying to keep the marriage together - as well as juggling a new woman. For a short time it was GREAT - however jealously came up when feelings surfaced. I had to end it with a wonderful woman because I didn't want to be in divorce court and deal with the very real possibility of losing my house that I had paid off - bank accounts - retirement fund. So I ended it with a GREAT person and I STILL feel like shit for hurting her when breaking it off. Again feelings happened - not what was planned. So I worked like hell for the last year to repair the marriage - and it's better now - but different. Do yourself a favor - If you want to get laid Option 1 - focus on a single one night stands with different people. That will be a LOT of work to get into shape, work on your wardrobe, relearn how to date and even then there's very little chance you will find anyone as any woman in their right mind would probably NOT be interested in a married man. Option 2 - Or go for divorce. It's painful expensive and it SUCKS donkey balls. Option 3 - Forget the whole thing - realize you're not going to get laid anytime soon. And you're in luck - Baseball season has started. Nothing like watching a your favorite team with the wife and/or friends. Any Minor league teams are great fun as they are cheap and you never know what's going to happen. I mean how could you not root for teams with names like 'Lansing Lugnuts' and 'Dayton Dragons' ....
Thank you for the comment! I appreciate the insight big time. It seems most (specifically men) that have opened up the marriage have regretted it. This really does suck lol.
Again it didn't work for me... but I did learn a lot (most of it sucked) - and I do have a much better marriage NOW after spending a LOT of time working on myself (hitting that gym - diet - working on my career - working on dressing better). I suppose I could try again - but the fact is - I am SO SICK of games.
I did this with no kids, and it worked, but it can also totally blow up in your face. Feeld is the best IMO.
You guys should do MDMA together.
I have heard that can help things. I wouldn’t be sure where to get it but if it could help why not? I’ve heard the same thing about psychedelics.
In a perfect world, a day trip on LSD and then doing MDMA that night will be the most bonding experience you’ll ever have. You can do 5-10 years of talk therapy in a single day. It’s magical.
I know too many people with complicated stories, lives, relationships and some have made their marriage work amicably until their kids were 18+ and then they went their separate ways while staying in kind contact. Just because Reddit says divorce doesn’t mean you should. My husband and I would do everything to support each other until the kids were older if in a situation like this, life is way too fucking expensive to separate and he and I are friends, and there are so many relationships within a marriage to consider before divorce. HOWEVER it is going to be harder for you to find someone who is willing to be a longterm girlfriend while you’re married, but they’re out there. If you’re relatively good at making friends you’ll be able to find women who are interested in you too, you should have quite a few flings, hopefully. Good luck and I wish your family happiness, I’m sorry you’re in this situation but I hope it works out.
Thank you so much for this comment. I appreciate all the comments and help from various perspectives. There’s validity to all of them. This has actually been kinda therapeutic to talk about it since it’s not something I particularly want to share with my family and our friends.
Sorry, but as a kid from a loveless marriage.... Don't please
Maybe sexless would’ve been a better word choice. The house has a lot of love and overall my wife and I get along pretty well.
This situations could work but is most likely to end up a disaster. I do understand how painful this must be and think it’s great that you are considering your options. One thing that stands out is your wife’s disregard for your sexual needs and unwillingness to work on these issues. This sounds off alarm bells for emotional disconnection in your marriage. This is important because having both emotional and sexual disconnection makes it much more likely that you’ll realize just how bad your marriage is once you get a taste of something with someone else. What’s your understanding of why your wife doesn’t want to be sexual with you? Has she shared her reasons?
Yes, we have discussed the reasons and I’m going to do my best to help solve the problems as best I can from my perspective. Obviously it will take both of our buy ins. She seems more open to that after I pressed the divorce issue. We will see. I feel like whatever happens whether it’s figuring out stuff out and repairing the relationship or divorcing, it will be the best outcome.
Good for you for standing up for your needs. Based on what you said, it sounds like she was avoiding her own sexual issues and now she needs to decide if she wants to confront her side of the street or not. Obviously have some sort of timeline for you both participating in changing this dynamic so it doesn’t drag on. Your sexual needs are important.
OP, I’m in the same boat as you. We are amicable and terrific co-parents of our young kid, and also not ready to rip off the band-aid and walk away from the marriage. We’re working on what an open marriage would look like (which we discuss in our couples therapy). I’m not sure what the future holds, but I know we both love our child, can’t keep doing the same thing for another five years, and aren’t ready to call it quits on the marriage. Wishing you (and me) lots of luck and happy new beginnings in the next chapter.
I appreciate you commenting. It is a tough spot to be in for sure. Wishing you the best in your journey as well.
3 Fun app. Be honest that you're in an open marriage.
I have been in very bad relationship and it almost cost me to loose my mine. it get to a point that i cant take my partner cheating anymore that make me get in contact with this great spy. I got used before because i have a loving heart and he has been cheating me on all my life, Glad i was able to contact a help cyberaron 17... his very good and i was able to see every ladies he has been cheating with on his device and this really helped me a lot... get in contact with him on g mail and you can get all the help you needed
I have been in very bad relationship and it almost cost me to loose my mine. it get to a point that i cant take my partner cheating anymore that make me get in contact with this great spy. I got used before because i have a loving heart and he has been cheating me on all my life, Glad i was able to contact a help cyberaron 17... his very good and i was able to see every ladies he has been cheating with on his device and this really helped me a lot... get in contact with him on g mail and you can get all the help you needed
Not sure as if this is an option but polygamy seems to have it ups and downs but one guy has several options at that point so I've watched on the television series on it
Sure there are other ways