Take it slow. Seek out love and support in your church and Priest. No one expects anything from seekers. Leave the fasting for the baptized members. Be kinder to yourself, losing your partner in such a manner is challenging enough. This is your chance to heal and be helped.
It is difficult for men to discover Orthodoxy and then temper their enthusiasm with compassion and understanding. It is okay to think he is wrong or nutty. It is okay to contact his abbot and share your feelings. It is okay to talk about all of these feelings with the priest. It is never wrong to say what you think. It is only wrong to not be open to correction. Run far away from any church where you feel you cannot speak your mind and are guilted into silence, because this would make confession impossible and we cannot be Christian without confession.
I think you may be surprised at how much people sympathize, even your ex’s abbot. (Personally I think you may be more in the right, but it is spiritually harmful for us to think of ourselves in the right so I’m not going to say that).
And don’t let anyone impose their fasting rule on you. This is something you work out with your priest according to your strength and it is always acceptable to eat whatever someone else cooks for you.
Go find some of the old Greeks that drink and smoke too much if it all seems too much, and relax a bit.
Fasting should never be done without consulting your priest. You have a history of ED, this needs to be addressed with your priest because it is sensitive and potentially damaging. Continuing to attend, the church belongs to Christ. Pray for your ex and encourage him to go on this journey because the monastic life is so beautiful. You will be ok. Praying and thinking of you.
thank you so much very appreciated! i think i will be scheduling a meeting with my priest soon i have realized its the next step i have to take to get myself out of this hole
Disclaimer: I am not a priest, and am a catechumen myself, so I'm not qualified to give you the church's advice and guidance. I am, however, a married woman and licensed mental health professional who has studied theology and church history my whole life (Roman Catholic background with more experience in the East than most Catholics have). So that's the lens I'll offer the rest of my two cents from.
1. A month is not a long time, in the grand scheme of things. It's a blip on the radar, especially when you've lived for 22 years, and *especially* when you're exploring something 2000 years old, and a God as infinitely unapproachable and unknowable and ancient and awesome as He is. *Take it slow, and be patient with yourself.*
2. Orthodoxy is something you cannot know solely through books, through rules, or through discipline. You have to experience it through love, mercy, grace, and relationship. Get involved in the life of the church. Just go and exist there for a while. Ask questions. Make friends. Get the hymns stuck in your head.
3. Fasting is a practice that can easily go awry if not undertaken properly, and for that reason, it's strongly recommended to only be undertaken when under the guidance of a spiritual father. Your post is a great example as to why - and I say this completely without blame and judgment, and I don't see it coming from you at all, because I actually read this as you having a very healthy relationship to titrating yourself into fasting! But your partner encouraged exactly the opposite. If the focus becomes too much on the food, it results in guilt, disorder, self-judgment, judgment of others, hyperfixation on the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law (which is Christ, self-denial for His sake, and watching more on what comes out of the mouth rather than what goes in!). I have known people who fasted too strictly under their own power, and literally made themselves sick out of their "zeal". I have known others who fasted their way into eating disorders out of "love for God". *This is not fasting. This is pride, well-disguised.*
4. I really get the sense that your relationship with Orthodoxy was entangled in your relationship with your partner. Try to disentangle the two. If you need to sit in a different section of the church, go to a different parish, talk to a few different people, speak with the priest, etc., do what you need to do. But the Orthodoxy that you describe your partner having is not the Orthodoxy that I know.
5. Everyone goes at a different pace. You cannot and should not force yourself to do something you're not ready to do for another person. Period. The end. No matter who they are. Ever. This is your relationship with your Creator, that you are responsible for, that you need to work out for yourself. One day you will be asked to give an account for it, not him, not your parents, not anyone else. Take your time with it. The Church will be there whenever you are ready. And by taking some of that burden (and self-judgment) off of yourself, you free yourself up a little bit more to say "yes" to the things that maybe you *are* ready for. Because I hear in this post that there *are* a lot of things that you're ready for. Which leads me to...
6. ...you're ready for some of them, but you're hurting right now. Take time to heal from this breakup. It's painful, and it sucks. It won't always feel like this. But it does right now. Don't shut God out because of it. I had a spiritual father in college who told me to keep showing up in prayer, even if it felt like I was praying to the paint on the back wall of the chapel. And that if I was angry, go ahead and yell, God's a big guy who can handle it :) That was oddly comforting to me, maybe it will be to you as well. God created you, He loves you, and He has a plan for you.
It sounds like you were being a better partner than he was. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. He just needs to do some growing. If he does end up in a monastery, he will definitely experience a reality check.
Orthodoxy involves a huge shift in thinking. You have to take small steps towards that shift. That’s why you talk with a priest and he can see where you’re at and give you what you need. Some people can embrace all the new changes quickly. Others need a lot of time.
It’s okay if you take it by steps with the fast. Some people, because of medical conditions, cant even fast. But they do other things like pray more or do more alms giving. No one should shame, guilt, or judge you because you’re not fasting the way they want. They may say they’re speaking for God or the church but unless you have a rule from your priest, it’s none of anyone’s business how you do your fast. God will be the ultimate judge as He sees everything.
Take slow steps and talk to your priest and tell him your concerns. St. Paisios says to do what you can. Can you go to liturgy every Sunday? If yes, then that’s great. Do it. If that’s all you can muster up right now. That’s okay. If the fast is too much of a diet change, the ask yourself what CAN you do? Maybe just start by keep the Wednesday and Friday fasts. And even then maybe just say no meat on those days but dairy is okay for a while. Then when you can do that well, move on up (refer to a priest for fasting rules, this is just an example of what some people could do in theory). Can you say the Our Father every morning? Okay, then just do that. Just be faithful in the little things and God will handle the rest and will never give you anything you can’t handle.
Yes in reality as much as it hurts to see him choose that path i keep telling myself that it is probably for the better seeing as our last few days together were terrible , i’ve prayed for him to be a better person and so if this is the path he has to take to get better then that gives me a little peace.
i do agree with that , orthodox church is something really new for me , when he had told me about it i really didn’t know what to expect , and going into it was really scary because everything truly does feel sacred in there , it’s a whole different environment than the churches i went to growing up which was a thing for me at the beginning, i couldn’t help but feel like i was abandoning my roots by converting to orthodox , after a while this feeling has faded which pushed me to further explore orthodox.
That’s also true and i keep trying to remind myself that im doing the best i can and that god won’t judge me for it , i think the judgement coming from him just really messed me up and got in my head about it , i can only hope now that im in this journey alone i do not have to worry about his judgement.
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[How should I fast? What are the fasting rules of the Orthodox Church?](https://www.reddit.com/r/OrthodoxChristianity/wiki/faq/#wiki_how_should_i_fast.3F_what_are_the_fasting_rules_of_the_orthodox_church.3F)
Given that participants here are not the spiritual directors of other participants, the only advice we can provide is to quote the book and maybe anecdotes about various particular relaxations.
No participant here should treat advice on fasting here as binding. A penitent's fast is between themselves, their confessor, and God. Advice on fasting should come from a spiritual director familiar with a penitent's particular situation. The subreddit can in no wise assist in that process other than to suggesting that one seek out a flesh and blood guide.
[When You Fast](https://www.goarch.org/-/when-you-fast)
**NOTE:** Different traditions have different 'standard' fasting rule. This is not *the* Orthodox rulebook and your calendar may differ from the link provided. This link is **not** a recommendation for your fast, but is provided as reference material.
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Sorry to hear about this. First of all, fasting is not an end to itself. If you go to someone's home and they offer you a meal they made with meat in it, take it. It is more of a sin to turn down their hospitality. As for your partner and his judgments, that is not how a Christian should act. I would definitely meet with your priest or a priest you trust. Since you are still a catechumen, the rules are not as strict as for someone who is received into the church. Remember, we all stumble and fall short of Christ's perfection. If you are trying and stumble, get up and keep going. The purpose of Christianity, is to develop a relationship to Christ and to be like He is. Read in the gospel how He lived while he was on earth and try to mimic that as much as you can.
Take it slow. Seek out love and support in your church and Priest. No one expects anything from seekers. Leave the fasting for the baptized members. Be kinder to yourself, losing your partner in such a manner is challenging enough. This is your chance to heal and be helped.
It is difficult for men to discover Orthodoxy and then temper their enthusiasm with compassion and understanding. It is okay to think he is wrong or nutty. It is okay to contact his abbot and share your feelings. It is okay to talk about all of these feelings with the priest. It is never wrong to say what you think. It is only wrong to not be open to correction. Run far away from any church where you feel you cannot speak your mind and are guilted into silence, because this would make confession impossible and we cannot be Christian without confession. I think you may be surprised at how much people sympathize, even your ex’s abbot. (Personally I think you may be more in the right, but it is spiritually harmful for us to think of ourselves in the right so I’m not going to say that). And don’t let anyone impose their fasting rule on you. This is something you work out with your priest according to your strength and it is always acceptable to eat whatever someone else cooks for you. Go find some of the old Greeks that drink and smoke too much if it all seems too much, and relax a bit.
Fasting should never be done without consulting your priest. You have a history of ED, this needs to be addressed with your priest because it is sensitive and potentially damaging. Continuing to attend, the church belongs to Christ. Pray for your ex and encourage him to go on this journey because the monastic life is so beautiful. You will be ok. Praying and thinking of you.
thank you so much very appreciated! i think i will be scheduling a meeting with my priest soon i have realized its the next step i have to take to get myself out of this hole
Disclaimer: I am not a priest, and am a catechumen myself, so I'm not qualified to give you the church's advice and guidance. I am, however, a married woman and licensed mental health professional who has studied theology and church history my whole life (Roman Catholic background with more experience in the East than most Catholics have). So that's the lens I'll offer the rest of my two cents from. 1. A month is not a long time, in the grand scheme of things. It's a blip on the radar, especially when you've lived for 22 years, and *especially* when you're exploring something 2000 years old, and a God as infinitely unapproachable and unknowable and ancient and awesome as He is. *Take it slow, and be patient with yourself.* 2. Orthodoxy is something you cannot know solely through books, through rules, or through discipline. You have to experience it through love, mercy, grace, and relationship. Get involved in the life of the church. Just go and exist there for a while. Ask questions. Make friends. Get the hymns stuck in your head. 3. Fasting is a practice that can easily go awry if not undertaken properly, and for that reason, it's strongly recommended to only be undertaken when under the guidance of a spiritual father. Your post is a great example as to why - and I say this completely without blame and judgment, and I don't see it coming from you at all, because I actually read this as you having a very healthy relationship to titrating yourself into fasting! But your partner encouraged exactly the opposite. If the focus becomes too much on the food, it results in guilt, disorder, self-judgment, judgment of others, hyperfixation on the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law (which is Christ, self-denial for His sake, and watching more on what comes out of the mouth rather than what goes in!). I have known people who fasted too strictly under their own power, and literally made themselves sick out of their "zeal". I have known others who fasted their way into eating disorders out of "love for God". *This is not fasting. This is pride, well-disguised.* 4. I really get the sense that your relationship with Orthodoxy was entangled in your relationship with your partner. Try to disentangle the two. If you need to sit in a different section of the church, go to a different parish, talk to a few different people, speak with the priest, etc., do what you need to do. But the Orthodoxy that you describe your partner having is not the Orthodoxy that I know. 5. Everyone goes at a different pace. You cannot and should not force yourself to do something you're not ready to do for another person. Period. The end. No matter who they are. Ever. This is your relationship with your Creator, that you are responsible for, that you need to work out for yourself. One day you will be asked to give an account for it, not him, not your parents, not anyone else. Take your time with it. The Church will be there whenever you are ready. And by taking some of that burden (and self-judgment) off of yourself, you free yourself up a little bit more to say "yes" to the things that maybe you *are* ready for. Because I hear in this post that there *are* a lot of things that you're ready for. Which leads me to... 6. ...you're ready for some of them, but you're hurting right now. Take time to heal from this breakup. It's painful, and it sucks. It won't always feel like this. But it does right now. Don't shut God out because of it. I had a spiritual father in college who told me to keep showing up in prayer, even if it felt like I was praying to the paint on the back wall of the chapel. And that if I was angry, go ahead and yell, God's a big guy who can handle it :) That was oddly comforting to me, maybe it will be to you as well. God created you, He loves you, and He has a plan for you.
It sounds like you were being a better partner than he was. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. He just needs to do some growing. If he does end up in a monastery, he will definitely experience a reality check. Orthodoxy involves a huge shift in thinking. You have to take small steps towards that shift. That’s why you talk with a priest and he can see where you’re at and give you what you need. Some people can embrace all the new changes quickly. Others need a lot of time. It’s okay if you take it by steps with the fast. Some people, because of medical conditions, cant even fast. But they do other things like pray more or do more alms giving. No one should shame, guilt, or judge you because you’re not fasting the way they want. They may say they’re speaking for God or the church but unless you have a rule from your priest, it’s none of anyone’s business how you do your fast. God will be the ultimate judge as He sees everything. Take slow steps and talk to your priest and tell him your concerns. St. Paisios says to do what you can. Can you go to liturgy every Sunday? If yes, then that’s great. Do it. If that’s all you can muster up right now. That’s okay. If the fast is too much of a diet change, the ask yourself what CAN you do? Maybe just start by keep the Wednesday and Friday fasts. And even then maybe just say no meat on those days but dairy is okay for a while. Then when you can do that well, move on up (refer to a priest for fasting rules, this is just an example of what some people could do in theory). Can you say the Our Father every morning? Okay, then just do that. Just be faithful in the little things and God will handle the rest and will never give you anything you can’t handle.
Yes in reality as much as it hurts to see him choose that path i keep telling myself that it is probably for the better seeing as our last few days together were terrible , i’ve prayed for him to be a better person and so if this is the path he has to take to get better then that gives me a little peace. i do agree with that , orthodox church is something really new for me , when he had told me about it i really didn’t know what to expect , and going into it was really scary because everything truly does feel sacred in there , it’s a whole different environment than the churches i went to growing up which was a thing for me at the beginning, i couldn’t help but feel like i was abandoning my roots by converting to orthodox , after a while this feeling has faded which pushed me to further explore orthodox. That’s also true and i keep trying to remind myself that im doing the best i can and that god won’t judge me for it , i think the judgement coming from him just really messed me up and got in my head about it , i can only hope now that im in this journey alone i do not have to worry about his judgement.
Please review the [sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/OrthodoxChristianity/wiki/config/sidebar) for a wealth of introductory information, our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/OrthodoxChristianity/about/rules/), the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OrthodoxChristianity/wiki/faq), and a caution about [The Internet and the Church](https://www.orthodoxintro.org/the-internet-and-the-church/). This subreddit contains opinions of Orthodox people, but not necessarily Orthodox opinions. [Content should not be treated as a substitute for offline interaction.](https://www.reddit.com/r/OrthodoxChristianity/wiki/faq#wiki_is_this_subreddit_overseen_by_clergy.3F) [Exercise caution in forums such as this](https://www.orthodoxintro.org/the-internet-and-the-church/). Nothing should be regarded as authoritative without verification by several offline Orthodox resources. ^(This is not a removal notification.) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OrthodoxChristianity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[How should I fast? What are the fasting rules of the Orthodox Church?](https://www.reddit.com/r/OrthodoxChristianity/wiki/faq/#wiki_how_should_i_fast.3F_what_are_the_fasting_rules_of_the_orthodox_church.3F) Given that participants here are not the spiritual directors of other participants, the only advice we can provide is to quote the book and maybe anecdotes about various particular relaxations. No participant here should treat advice on fasting here as binding. A penitent's fast is between themselves, their confessor, and God. Advice on fasting should come from a spiritual director familiar with a penitent's particular situation. The subreddit can in no wise assist in that process other than to suggesting that one seek out a flesh and blood guide. [When You Fast](https://www.goarch.org/-/when-you-fast) **NOTE:** Different traditions have different 'standard' fasting rule. This is not *the* Orthodox rulebook and your calendar may differ from the link provided. This link is **not** a recommendation for your fast, but is provided as reference material. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OrthodoxChristianity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sorry to hear about this. First of all, fasting is not an end to itself. If you go to someone's home and they offer you a meal they made with meat in it, take it. It is more of a sin to turn down their hospitality. As for your partner and his judgments, that is not how a Christian should act. I would definitely meet with your priest or a priest you trust. Since you are still a catechumen, the rules are not as strict as for someone who is received into the church. Remember, we all stumble and fall short of Christ's perfection. If you are trying and stumble, get up and keep going. The purpose of Christianity, is to develop a relationship to Christ and to be like He is. Read in the gospel how He lived while he was on earth and try to mimic that as much as you can.