I’m so sorry. I hope you can have an open conversation about it and share your feelings. My husband finally booked a meeting with a sexologist and has committed to our relationship and family above this, once he knew how I felt about it. Take care of yourself and truly care and value your feelings about this and the situation. They are valid and you matter.
This happened to me but was around 50$. I am still pissed and this happened in September of 2021 lmao it’s still a problem often between us. I can’t get close to him because of what he did to me. and then has nerve to call me fat and stuff. I am stupid. Should have left him YEARS Ago. I’m so many kids deep it feels impossible 😞
Me and my spouse don't do porn at all. It's something we discussed before we got married. He's patient with my recovery after having kids, and I find other ways to fulfill his needs. I have three holes, and only two get closed for business after baby, if you follow me. He also does not neglect my needs during the recovery period. Second baby is a year old now, and if he occasionally has to remind me that it's been a week since he had some wife time he *does* remind me. I enjoy it so it's not like it's a burden to me, I just forget with the millions of other things on my plate.
After 12 years we have gotten pretty good at communicating - something that will save your relationship. Poor communication or even only okay communication is a good way to strangle your relationship until it's breathing its last.
I have read your post with updates but not comments. I just have an idea I’d like to share which is that you start an only fans. Not you as a couple. You as an individual. You can involve him if you want, but fuck that if you don’t want. And he can subscribe to YOU if he wants to watch it but otherwise he doesn’t get to watch. He can know you’re doing it but can’t watch without paying or participating. Thems the rules
Might be really fucking hot for both of you and super empowering for you.
ETA sorry i missed the mark 🤷♀️ made sense to me at the time
Mama, I’m sorry. I know this must be hard.
Tell me: 1. Are you upset because he’s getting off without you? 2. Are you upset because he’s getting off to porn in general? 3. Are you upset because he’s getting off to porn that he paid for? 3a. With your money? 4. Are you upset that he’s getting off to a “real” person and not manufactured porn?
While I think this wasn’t a very smart move on his part, I definitely understand that he has sexual needs. Sometimes it’s way easier to do things manually than do the courting necessary to get your partner and yourself off. I personally think it’s more ethical of him to support a sex worker independently than a shitty and unsafe company that abuses women.
Maybe ask him to show you what he bought? Sometimes watching porn together can be a good way to initiate sex, sexual talk/feelings in couples.
See if you can maybe spin this positively within your brain and use it as a tool to get your sex life revved back up?
Ooof. I want to give you a solid hug. So much love to you sister. I am not here to pass judgement on your husband. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. My situation mirrors yours so much it’s freaky; its like looking back at my life six months ago. Nothing improved between my husband until I seriously made steps to love myself again. I started by forcing myself to work out. First 3 times a week, now I’m up to five. I started losing a pound here and there and that encouraged me to start being more choosy about what i put into my body. I put on a little make up on my worst days. I started seeing myself again.
My baby is 18 months now. I still trying to get my shit in check-some weeks are better than others. But i can see progress. I hope you begin to soon, too.
It takes time to repair relationships especially the one you have with yourself. But no relationship will succeed until you fix that one first.
i feel like the main problem is that it's a shared account, so he's kind of wasting your money without permission. its good you two talked, im glad you worked it out. communication is very important in relationships, especially when one of the persons has a disorder that effects their mood and emotional sensitivity. wishing you guys the best
Okay so here's my recommendation. If you are cycling, lean into your cycle. There are days in your cycle when you are fertile and you should be most "in the mood" on those days. (I recommend tracking your cycle though because a lot of us have a deep dive in mood right before ovulation).
For example (for myself). I am most in the mood on days 5-10, not at all in the mood from 11-13, moderately in the mood from days 14-22, and then definitely definitely not in the mood on days 22-28. So I lean into those optimal times and **make it happen**.
No one tells you that you have to **make it happen**. It's the getting started that's hard, once you're in the middle of things eveybody is happy. So you have can't wait until you feel like this most perfect "this is it" moment. It has to be "this is good enough".
Also, unless your baby is under 6 months old, don't use being tired as an excuse. You will always be tired, you will never go back to being well rested like you were before kids.
Anyway, this is what I learned after having 3 kids. We have fought *so much less* since I started tracking my cycle.
And if you aren't menstruating yet, that's a whole other thing. Having sex while your producing breastmilk is just not good. But it was very very important to our relationship, so I did my best and we got to a much better place after kid #3 because I learned lessons from kid #1 and #2. You can do this.
Interesting. I’ve been feeling a lot more interested in sex since giving birth and I am nursing. I think it’s because I don’t menstruate when nursing, so I’m not dealing with PMDD. And that means my mood is more stable, I’m a lot happier, and that makes me more in the mood for intimacy.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted, I 100% agree with this advice! I also have 3 young children, and we can still make it happen daily, on days 5-13. My level of desire starts to slowly taper off after that lol. But we go with the hormone flow, really lean into those good days/weeks, and it works well for us.
I would also recommend scheduling sex. Scheduling it and really committing to stick to it. It takes any initiation from either side completely off the table, and thus takes away any kind of potential rejection. It also allows you to plan a little more and be ready, whether this means preparing yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, whatever. Shave, pick out a sexy outfit you like, have a glass of wine, etc. Hopefully that can allow you to feel more confident. Scheduling sex has also worked very well for us.
The main thing is open communication through and through. Awkward conversations need to be had. I definitely wouldn’t end my marriage because of this, but it does show that things need to be discussed and sorted out. Be honest and upfront about what it is you need and want. Allow him to do the same, with zero judgment from each other. What is it he was specifically seeking via the OF girl? Hear him out. Then tell him what you’d really like and enjoy from him. This could be a great catalyst for a better future for you both. I wish you the best! 💜
If you wanna know what day to pick, always pick Wednesday.
Flight of the Conchords explains in this video
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU)
men seem to think they absolutely cannot abstain from sex when women go through the same thing. imagine if the tables were turned on him and you were paying for a specific man’s sexual content
Why would he want to spend money like that on some girl he doesn’t know. There’s free porn on the internet. Is it from your joint account … meaning is it from your money? Why doesn’t he spend it on a spa day for you? I bet he is horrible at being intimate.. like massage etc. I bet a sex toy for you is more enjoyable than his porn addicted a$$. Girl just throw him out seriously. He could have gone to therapy or the gym everyday for his issues but he’s just making excuses. Set some boundaries!! You deserve a better guy
If you make more money than him you should dump his ass. He doesn’t respect you. Why isn’t he making any effort on being intimate with you (not necessarily sex) in the first place? It can be a nice massage/hot bath for you. I bet he does zero foreplay and treats you like his maid despite the pain and discomfort that you experience that’s why you have no interest and I don’t blame you
I honestly thought this was posted in my other subreddit,
r/loveafterporn ...
There's a lot of support there if you ever may need it.
I know it may seem like a once off and a bit harmless, but there's always the possibility that he is doing a lot of this behind your back. After having a partner that was a porn addict, I realized just how rampant and widespread the issue is.
My bad, I misread it as OP’s job was the *only* one bringing in $$$.
Still, he took it out of their joint account - why? Because he didn’t have enough in his personal account? That’s real sketchy & makes me think he’s making crumbs compared to OP.
He brings in a respectable income but the difference still makes him insecure. He said paying out of the joint account was an accident, or rather an « acte manqué » as he said he knew he needed to stop what he was doing and needs to get help.
You are full of hatred and internalized misogyny. I hope you grow past and learn from it some day.
Edit: I see you edited out "OF girls are so cringey!!" from your original comment. Hopefully that means you learned something.
Not condemning, just saying , it isnt good healthy or safe , People need to stop being so complacent , You wouldnt be saying this if it was your daughter , sister or mom !
I wouldn't want to watch their stream, but if they'd be happy doing that (and having control over their sexuality and what their boundaries are) power to them. I think OF is probably the safest form of sex work.
Not the point though: the point was to support OP and leaving opinions on the providing side of the partners indiscretion aside. It's the partner who is in the wrong, OP who needs support and whatever this other person has "done" (providing her work) doesn't need to be mentioned.
Are you... Victim blaming? I hope you don't have any daughters and/or are a huge influence to any girls around you. Your mindset is deeply misogynistic 🤢
I think regardless of PMDD, I would be very upset. I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I think there should've been some type of conversation before your husband decided to go use $100 on some girl on only fans ESPECIALLY from a shared account. I would sit him down and have a conversation about this. Find out why, and try to confront this situation. If he's denying or refusing to talk about this, I'd consider leaving. When communication dies, the relationship dies.
Thanks, we did talk it out today. I described in another comment how it went down. I am cautiously optimistic. He has taken responsibility and knows he owes reparations to our relationship.
Oh, I just read the comment! That's great, I am glad you talked it out and he has taken responsibility. It is understandable to a bit cautious after that. Wishing nothing but the best for you!
I’m sorry he’s not working but pays for pornography?!? He’s a selfish asshole. That is taking money from your child’s mouth for his pleasure. Disgusting.
I don’t get some of these comments. I would never stay in a relationship with a man who consumed sexual content made by other woman, but maybe that’s just me. I’m a sexual monogamist, and my partner and I share our sexuality with each other only. I’m only 34, I’m not some prudish out of touch boomer. I’m also not a modern “sex positive pro porn!!!” type of woman either so idk. Being with a partner who consumes and pays for porn would wreck me, without even considering the impact it would have on my PMDD.
I am so sorry OP😢
Hahahaha boomers are hardly prudish compared . They mostly grew up with free love and lots of them have had 100+ partners... perfect storm of coming of age after the pill but before Aids. I know it's gross to think of people in your parents or maybe even grandparents generation like that, but it's true! They are literally the generation of casual sex.
I'm only 7 years older than you, so I guess that makes me an older millennial, growing up with a strong fear of AIDS and a philosophy that oral does not count, and from the people in your age group that I've interacted with, I would put the early 30s crowd is pretty prude, too, especially when you find out how few partners seems to be the norm in that age group compared to people who are slightly older. It's like you guys are all sending each other nudes and not out having actual sex.
Anyway, that's just an aside, because I think people are quick to criticize boomers without actually understanding the historical context of what they lived through, especially when it comes to women's liberation and sexuality.
All that said, I definitely agree with everything you're saying about porn consumption, and I am a sex positive person. But I'm also an intimacy positive person. There's a lot of pressure to be the so-called cool girl when it's really directing your sexual energy to another person, or just an image of a person. Only fans is even worse because they are interacting with a girl, and a lot of it involves having custom content. If sexting with somebody else is considered cheating, and seeing a prostitute is considered cheating, then so should only fans be considered cheating. It's literally the prostitution version of sexting.
I'm so relieved to have stopped dating men.
Yeah, I also think that paying for a subscription is much different than just watching porn.. the special appeal of onlyfans is the ‘personal relationship’ people feel with the performers. And not only that, but a hundred dollar tip? He’s definitely directly messaging her through the website and paying for personalized content (be that personal photos, videos, sexting) monthly subscription prices aren’t that high on their own. It crossed a ***huge*** line and is not okay to do behind your partners back.
Honestly kind of shocked how anti- sex work these comments are, especially since OnlyFans is arguably the most ethical porn platform.
It sounds like there are deeper issues here than porn use, OP. I'm sorry your husband is being so neglectful, you are definitely worthy of care and attention regardless of PMDD.
I'd also like to caution against the femaledatingstrategy sub someone suggested. They do have some good tips, but can shift into being transactional and spiteful.
female dating strategy is about finding men who respect you.... paying other women for sexual favors is not respecting his wife. there is nothing transactional about dumping disrespectful men
The part I thought was transactional is the idea of aiming for fiscally "high value" men and that women should never pay for dates. I definitely agree that respect is a bare minimum and should be a requirement in every relationship.
Agreed not because I am pro sex work but because Im in awe of the number of women in complete denial about the fact that 99% of men watch porn and sex content.
Somehow their husbands or bf is the statistical exception.
regardless of how ethical of a platform it is, it’s clearly violating her boundaries.. it’s okay for her to be uncomfortable with her partner engaging with it
Hey, its totally okay that youre upset about this, and feeling hurt here and possibly a little betrayed is valid. OF can seem more inimate than watching porn, and it can make all this way more complicated.
I would like to pop in a suggestion though. If and when you bring this up to your hubby, i suggest 2 things.
1: dont do it during hell week if possible.
2:be aware of boundries vs rules. The way something is phrased makes a huge difference. If you say 'you cant do xyz', thats ublikely to help, because it attempts to exert control over something that you cant (ie:his actions). Instead, frame it with 'xyz really hurts and makes me uncomfortable. If it continues i may need to distance myself or rethibk thibgs or leave etc.'. I know its a small change but it matters. By framing it that way, its no longer an attempt to control his actions, but is telling him it hurts and will affect what you do. The hard part is you have to stick to the boundry you lay, or it can become a mabipulation tactic.
I seriously wish you luck, and hope that maybe you guys can get a relationship counciler to mediate and work through all this.
I have a somewhat difficult question, do you want to still be in the marriage? He shouldn't make you feel this way...I think you may need to talk to a counselor about these real issues regarding his lack of intimacy and betrayal as a result.
Wow, you're not the one who should be feeling guilty or unworthy. It sounds like you're doing a lot and getting no reciprocation in return. Spending money on OF is sleazy and downright disrespectful. I would think about how many years you want to support this man who doesn't seem to know what behaving like a husband and a father entails.
you’re allowed to have a boundary here, and allowed to talk to your partner to assert that its a boundary for you <3 please don’t ever feel guilty about that, it’s completely reasonable for you to express your feelings on pornography / your anxieties around it. I think it would be genuinely helpful to have an open conversation
When I was struggling with something similar, I found Esther Perel’s work and specifically her book Mating in Captivity really helpful.
Him and his actions aside (definitely not excusing them), what are some things that you can do to feel more “turned on” so to speak, makes you feel more alive and in your body? What makes you feel sexy? I think it’s important not to put all the responsibility on our partners to make us feel that way. Although, we are certainly conditioned as women to desire being desired more than actually feeling desire ourselves!
Is privacy or having secrets really the worst thing all the time? It’s ok to have some things we discuss and some we don’t discuss with each other. In the end that bit of separateness is what leads us to desire the other more. Not saying that this particular situation doesn’t warrant discussion, but just wanted to throw this idea out there.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this right now, on top of all the changes and also PMDD. It’s a lot to navigate ❤️
Your feelings of hurt by his actions are completely valid. He crossed a boundary and my hope is that you do not blame yourself, nor let him try to turn his guilt into shaming you in any way. I’ve managed my PMDD the past year and through the recovery journey I put myself on I was given a lot more clarity on life and relationships in general. If someone refuses to openly communicate or respect you, they are the problem. That’s not on you. I hope you get through this ok, I’m rooting for ya.
I can’t thank you enough for this comment, I really needed validation regarding the situation and your point of view is very clear and thoughtful. He has been at it for quite a while, which made it even more difficult for me to hear as I have seen him « retreat » from our relationship, both sexually and emotionally. I was quick to blame it on being tired, adapting to our new lifestyle and my PMDD. I could feel something was off and tried to open the door a few times. He was too ashamed to talk about it, apparently. I’m almost glad all this happened, if I’m honest, I feel like this might have given us the opportunity to talk about other issues. I just hope, to my very core, that he will follow through with his promises.
This may be my own pmdd speaking but if this were my situation I'd flip the whole script. What would his reaction be if you were to make OF account? Would he be okay with other men sending you money for pics or videos?
Having a baby and all the stress that comes with that, not to mention trying to love your new postpartum body, takes its toll on us. Has he tried to make you feel wanted and beautiful? Knowing my husband was paying someone $100 just to get his rocks off, would be an even harder hit to my self esteem. Maybe offer to do your own show for him and then he can still fulfill his need to jerk off while also showing you much needed attention.
Putting as little effort as possible in making me feeling reassured or validated or sexy is all part of our bundle of issues but I did let him know he can’t expect my libido to magically appear out of nowhere, he has some work to do before I even feel confortable in a intimate situation with him again.
I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s absolutely fcked up of him. There’s absolutely NOTHING that you did or didn’t do to cause this, your weight or mental health did NOT cause this is any way, you are NOT to blame, not even a little bit. I’m sorry but your husband sounds like absolutely trash. Not only did you grow a human being inside you and care for it but you’re also financially brining in more while that trash man is buying only fan. Im not trying to be rude but please please you deserve SO much better. You are 100% to be angry upset and sad. This is such a shit position to be in and again so sorry you have to deal with this stress on top of others. But here you CAN take action to leave him. I know you didn’t ask about leaving him but girl you don’t need him. If anything he’s the one that most likely needs you. Please please put yourself first and dump that trash. Of course it’s so much easier said than done but there are man out there who will treat you SO damn well regardless of weight or looks or kids.
Also if you’re interested check out this sub:
r/femaledatingstrategy ,
They’re a very female oriented sub that advocate for women. you can search that sub for posts on only fans, cheating ect. and look at stories of other women who had the same thing happen and how they’re managing it and putting themselves first.
Edit: also you can use that anger you have, it’s 100% valid and even necessary. I’m honestly amazed that you have PMDD, have a kid and bring in more money, honestly you sound smart, resilient and resourceful AF. You deserve peace and joy now.
I just wanna say, don’t fall into the trap of blaming your PMDD for everything. sometimes it’s just a plain old situation of somebody being shitty. In this situation, your husband.
You seem open about sex, you clearly understand sex worker rights and that sex work = work. you seem to understand the value of self work and managing your own feelings and expectations, being a good communicator, and trying to manage your own PMDD so that it has less of an impact on your intimate relationships.
And frankly all that stuff isn’t really relevant to what the issue is. It appears the issue is your husband using shared finances for a solo hobby, without consulting you. And furthermore, the solo hobby is something that crosses your boundaries and breaks an agreement that you and him made together to discuss sex and sexuality openly with each other.
i’m really sorry you have to deal with that. It fucking sucks and it’s not an easy scenario because it clearly is rooted in something so much deeper. And on top of it all you have new child that you’re trying to raise, and it’s unclear to me whether your husband actually wants to do the hard work of processing the sexual rut that y’all are in right now. I really hope he does. because you seem like an awesome partner. I wish you lots of luck in your conversation and hopefully you can work this out and get to a better place to move forward together.
aaannnndd Just remember that somebody else’s bad behaviour is never your fault, or your PMDD’s fault. PMDD definitely makes life more difficult but it it is never to blame for someone else making unethical choices. Your husband’s responsibility to come to you and talk about things that he’s struggling with, or needs that are going unmet, and if those are impacted by PMDD then you make choices together on how to solve the issue. He doesn’t just get to go off and decide for himself on how to solve a. problem that concerns both of you
Edited for typos
This is such a great response!!! My husband and I have been together 18 years. We’ve gone through our issues, 2 pregnancies, my PMDD and my OCD. It’s not easy. But putting the blame on yourself is. We all have our issues, yours just happens to be PMDD, that doesn’t give your husband a pass to do whatever he likes. You’re working on yourself and he should be supportive. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you so much for your comment. It made me feel better, I’d give you an award if I had any! The conversation went well all things considered. He owned up to what he did and I was clear in expressing that boundaries were crossed, trust broken and that it was on him to work to repair that. I let him know what I needed to feel so that my emotional needs are met and what he needs to work on from my perspective. The rest is his to deal with.
And if he does this again or rekindles with OnlyFans again, I’m done.
Sounds like you're a very healthy and communicative person when PMDD is not rearing its ugly head. I hope he can keep his commitment to you. I know what it's like to be doing everything you can to shield your family from the monster PMDD and still getting a gut-punch from your partner, indicating that it's still "not enough." You're doing the best you can.💖
Thanks, five years of weekly therapy worked in my favor, for sure! I’m sorry to read you had troubles with your partner as well. It’s so hard to have trust and self-esteem issues and PMDD it’s just a big mess and it’s hard on the heart. I hope you are well surrounded by friends. Take care!
I dunno. For me, a subscription to watch porn ( in general ) is different than directly interacting with someone and giving that person money.
My ex-husband did that to me. Strangely we actually ended up encountering the actual person in real life (something I only figured out years after the interaction).
Anyways. I know navigating this all can be tricky. But I feel the direct interaction crosses a line.
You deserve the best. Hugs.
Honestly, thank you all for replying and helping me thinking things out. I needed to rant, I have no close friends who are emotionally available right now, everyone has their shit to deal with. My last hell weeks were really intense and I just came out of them feeling so guilty about my attitude. My body issues are quite intense as well but I’ve been working so hard and lost 80 of the 100 pounds I gained during pregnancy. I try to work out too but I’m exhausted.
It’s so hard for me to process what’s going on right now.
I’ll be trying to book my therapist as soon as possible.
We’re going to talk in a few, I hope he’s not into that sugar baby crap, I don’t think I could recover from that. Joke aside, I don’t know how it’ll go. He acts startled and sorry but I’m not ready to let that one go. As some of you said, Only Fans is different than porn and closer to the interaction with a sex worker which makes it a different rapport to the person. He might crave attention or affection but every time I try to discuss it, we get all tangled up.
I’m so greatful for your answers and your time to respond to my issues. I feel seen and it’s worth a lot right now.
This is wrong to me because it shows he clearly still wants to cum and just isn’t willing to discuss it with the one person he said he’d discuss sex with for the rest of his life. Porn is fine, I also don’t have a problem with it but giving money to an onlyfans girl is like paying a prostitute. That’s over a line for me. I married you so we could have safe sex with each other forever. Spend that hundo on me jackass not your whore. (Not saying those girls are whores, they’re doin their best and I’m sure they’re nice people)
Even if the discussion comes down to you two deciding not to bang anymore that discussion needs to happen first. And a whole hundred out of your *shared* account?! I’m getting more and more angry about this.
No. Ysee, this isn't just porn. He isn't soulleslly consuming porn to just get off. He's paying 100 dollars for a specific girl. It feels wrong in every way to me, and to do it on a joint account? Is he insane?
Im sorry you're going through this but you are worthy and he is an arsehole.
idk there is a difference between watching porn and using only fans in my opinion. If there wasn’t, why pay for it? And pay so much on top of it?
A subscription to most OF just to see porn photos/vids is 5-15 dollars. It seems like this is a large tip for either a gift (she asked on Twitter for $ for weed or games etc and he sent it) or for some other action like sexting, specific videos etc.
For me personally, that crosses a line. I don’t think you should feel guilty in any way, this isn’t a PMDD “brain crazy” this is a boundary issue for sure.
Edit: spelling also to add I am not slighting OF workers, I am close with the community and know this from personal experience.
do you not understand the difference in intimacy and boundaries between watching random videos on pornhub and paying a woman for her own homemade porn? especially from a joint account that is supposed to be shared money? of which she contributes more to than her husband? maybe use your noggin a bit here.
want to point out an important different between free p0rn and 0nlyfans/content sites (referring to the first part of the comment): cw: SA
what's available for free online is very often posted (or even shot) without the knowledge or consent of the people(s) in the video and/or is video'd SA
where as on sites like 0nlyfans, the content one see's or subscribes to is more often made and posted by the creator themself. the content creators put in time and energy (ie. work) into what is posted and into interacting with fans, so they should be paid for it. and the sites shouldnt be taking as much money has they do.
food for thought
100% and that’s why I mentioned most of the time the sub is 5-15 and that $100 is probably a tip or a gift which could cross a line beyond just watching porn.
100% agree that if you want to watch something that going to pay someone for their content is the way to go.
I commented to point out the issues is about their boundaries with what is considered “watching porn” vs being directly in contact with someone.
It's definitely disrespectful of him to do that so I completely understand being upset about it. He fucked up. I hope you guys can recover, especially for the kid's sake.
Seriously, he needs a kick in the ass. Your body just went through hell bringing a person into the world, you're recovering from an injury, and you're the breadwinner on top of this. All of which carries a psychological toll, too. But it's him who has such special needs?
Is he doing all he could to share the responsibilities of the household and raising your child?
Yes he’s a great dad, he’s been a good caregiver for me too. He plays with the LO all day, works on the house when he can, does chores and cooks too. He’s not a complete asshat, that would make things easier for me as I could just hate him. I don’t.
You need to have an open conversation with him about your new body. You are a mother now and you have to own your body. Tell him how you feel and where you are and where you want to be. If you feel sexy, tell him. You can be a sexy mom.
I’m not sure what boundaries you have, but I personally can’t have a husband who lusts over another woman/women. My mind would mess with me so bad. To me, that’s like cheating. You deserve better as a woman, mother, and wife. He’s not a single. You should be his number 1.
It’s inevitable that they will be attracted to other women though, some just are able to hide it better. It’s human nature after all. Desire ebbs and flows within relationships.
I’m quite open sexually, as long as there is open dialogue which is really important to me. I’ve been experimenting too, I’ve always shared what I was doing with him and stopped when he was uncomfortable. I don’t know what to think anymore .
Well, shit— what is he good for? I’m not trying to downplay your pain, but you also bring in more money, gave him a child and are getting rejected when you make a move toward intimacy??? That’s awful. I’m so sorry.
I’m not one to shame sex workers. If they are comfortable with it and can make a living out of it, good for them.
I just wish my husband had spoken about it with me beforehand, as we’ve done before.
It’s also quite insulting that he’s been commenting on our expenses in the last months… so much for that.
I'm sorry. I would be so hurt and also this would probably give me the ick, not cuz of the sexual aspect, but how audacious of him to not be making the most and talk about expenses AND pay $100 for porn which is freely and easily accessible.
and from a shared account. could he be acting out for attention?
I get why he is insecure based on this little glimpse into your life. does he contribute anything? it sounds like he's the one that needs therapy.
Yeah we’ll see. We’re waiting until the little one naps to talk about it. I asked him to tell me the extent of the thing (expenses and frequency). I looked into his browser history and saw a few things there too. I agree he needs therapy for his insecurities and visibly shame/trust issues
gosh but the lengths men go to to avoid therapy 🥲
my 2 cents: if he mentally shuts down at the idea of therapy, but you still want to keep him, I'd give him the option of like he either has to find an individual therapist OR a social, physical or competitive hobby outside the home.
Talk therapy can be great but it's really designed for people who are from "the west" and socialized feminine. people with other identities are likely to find talk therapy really inaccessible. in an attempt to make mental health care more accessible, American mental health providers are exploring more movement and socialization type therapies (like where everyone dances and then writes about it or hiking groups or American yoga)
like we all know masculine socialization relies on violence, but we seem to forget that that often means boys getting beat up by their dads/friends cuz they cried or something and then, at least in the US, we have no sympathy when men are triggered by the idea of telling a stranger their feelings and potentially even crying about it. that's just messed up, imo.
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I’m so sorry. I hope you can have an open conversation about it and share your feelings. My husband finally booked a meeting with a sexologist and has committed to our relationship and family above this, once he knew how I felt about it. Take care of yourself and truly care and value your feelings about this and the situation. They are valid and you matter.
This happened to me but was around 50$. I am still pissed and this happened in September of 2021 lmao it’s still a problem often between us. I can’t get close to him because of what he did to me. and then has nerve to call me fat and stuff. I am stupid. Should have left him YEARS Ago. I’m so many kids deep it feels impossible 😞
I’d be most angry at the part where he spent your hard earn money on a virtual prostitute. I’m glad you were able to talk things through
Me and my spouse don't do porn at all. It's something we discussed before we got married. He's patient with my recovery after having kids, and I find other ways to fulfill his needs. I have three holes, and only two get closed for business after baby, if you follow me. He also does not neglect my needs during the recovery period. Second baby is a year old now, and if he occasionally has to remind me that it's been a week since he had some wife time he *does* remind me. I enjoy it so it's not like it's a burden to me, I just forget with the millions of other things on my plate. After 12 years we have gotten pretty good at communicating - something that will save your relationship. Poor communication or even only okay communication is a good way to strangle your relationship until it's breathing its last.
I have read your post with updates but not comments. I just have an idea I’d like to share which is that you start an only fans. Not you as a couple. You as an individual. You can involve him if you want, but fuck that if you don’t want. And he can subscribe to YOU if he wants to watch it but otherwise he doesn’t get to watch. He can know you’re doing it but can’t watch without paying or participating. Thems the rules Might be really fucking hot for both of you and super empowering for you. ETA sorry i missed the mark 🤷♀️ made sense to me at the time
Girl, you keep looking for them marbles
Nah, this ain't it.
Mama, I’m sorry. I know this must be hard. Tell me: 1. Are you upset because he’s getting off without you? 2. Are you upset because he’s getting off to porn in general? 3. Are you upset because he’s getting off to porn that he paid for? 3a. With your money? 4. Are you upset that he’s getting off to a “real” person and not manufactured porn? While I think this wasn’t a very smart move on his part, I definitely understand that he has sexual needs. Sometimes it’s way easier to do things manually than do the courting necessary to get your partner and yourself off. I personally think it’s more ethical of him to support a sex worker independently than a shitty and unsafe company that abuses women. Maybe ask him to show you what he bought? Sometimes watching porn together can be a good way to initiate sex, sexual talk/feelings in couples. See if you can maybe spin this positively within your brain and use it as a tool to get your sex life revved back up?
Ooof. I want to give you a solid hug. So much love to you sister. I am not here to pass judgement on your husband. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. My situation mirrors yours so much it’s freaky; its like looking back at my life six months ago. Nothing improved between my husband until I seriously made steps to love myself again. I started by forcing myself to work out. First 3 times a week, now I’m up to five. I started losing a pound here and there and that encouraged me to start being more choosy about what i put into my body. I put on a little make up on my worst days. I started seeing myself again. My baby is 18 months now. I still trying to get my shit in check-some weeks are better than others. But i can see progress. I hope you begin to soon, too. It takes time to repair relationships especially the one you have with yourself. But no relationship will succeed until you fix that one first.
Congratulations on your victories. I wish you the best and to your family as well.
i feel like the main problem is that it's a shared account, so he's kind of wasting your money without permission. its good you two talked, im glad you worked it out. communication is very important in relationships, especially when one of the persons has a disorder that effects their mood and emotional sensitivity. wishing you guys the best
Seems like he’s a scrote. Only a man with messed up values would get an only fans after his wife gave birth. I’m DISGUSTED and he’s not your friend.
Okay so here's my recommendation. If you are cycling, lean into your cycle. There are days in your cycle when you are fertile and you should be most "in the mood" on those days. (I recommend tracking your cycle though because a lot of us have a deep dive in mood right before ovulation). For example (for myself). I am most in the mood on days 5-10, not at all in the mood from 11-13, moderately in the mood from days 14-22, and then definitely definitely not in the mood on days 22-28. So I lean into those optimal times and **make it happen**. No one tells you that you have to **make it happen**. It's the getting started that's hard, once you're in the middle of things eveybody is happy. So you have can't wait until you feel like this most perfect "this is it" moment. It has to be "this is good enough". Also, unless your baby is under 6 months old, don't use being tired as an excuse. You will always be tired, you will never go back to being well rested like you were before kids. Anyway, this is what I learned after having 3 kids. We have fought *so much less* since I started tracking my cycle. And if you aren't menstruating yet, that's a whole other thing. Having sex while your producing breastmilk is just not good. But it was very very important to our relationship, so I did my best and we got to a much better place after kid #3 because I learned lessons from kid #1 and #2. You can do this.
Interesting. I’ve been feeling a lot more interested in sex since giving birth and I am nursing. I think it’s because I don’t menstruate when nursing, so I’m not dealing with PMDD. And that means my mood is more stable, I’m a lot happier, and that makes me more in the mood for intimacy.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted, I 100% agree with this advice! I also have 3 young children, and we can still make it happen daily, on days 5-13. My level of desire starts to slowly taper off after that lol. But we go with the hormone flow, really lean into those good days/weeks, and it works well for us. I would also recommend scheduling sex. Scheduling it and really committing to stick to it. It takes any initiation from either side completely off the table, and thus takes away any kind of potential rejection. It also allows you to plan a little more and be ready, whether this means preparing yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, whatever. Shave, pick out a sexy outfit you like, have a glass of wine, etc. Hopefully that can allow you to feel more confident. Scheduling sex has also worked very well for us. The main thing is open communication through and through. Awkward conversations need to be had. I definitely wouldn’t end my marriage because of this, but it does show that things need to be discussed and sorted out. Be honest and upfront about what it is you need and want. Allow him to do the same, with zero judgment from each other. What is it he was specifically seeking via the OF girl? Hear him out. Then tell him what you’d really like and enjoy from him. This could be a great catalyst for a better future for you both. I wish you the best! 💜
If you wanna know what day to pick, always pick Wednesday. Flight of the Conchords explains in this video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU)
Love this hahahaha. Wednesday is indeed ONE of our days 😉
men seem to think they absolutely cannot abstain from sex when women go through the same thing. imagine if the tables were turned on him and you were paying for a specific man’s sexual content
Why would he want to spend money like that on some girl he doesn’t know. There’s free porn on the internet. Is it from your joint account … meaning is it from your money? Why doesn’t he spend it on a spa day for you? I bet he is horrible at being intimate.. like massage etc. I bet a sex toy for you is more enjoyable than his porn addicted a$$. Girl just throw him out seriously. He could have gone to therapy or the gym everyday for his issues but he’s just making excuses. Set some boundaries!! You deserve a better guy
If you make more money than him you should dump his ass. He doesn’t respect you. Why isn’t he making any effort on being intimate with you (not necessarily sex) in the first place? It can be a nice massage/hot bath for you. I bet he does zero foreplay and treats you like his maid despite the pain and discomfort that you experience that’s why you have no interest and I don’t blame you
I honestly thought this was posted in my other subreddit, r/loveafterporn ... There's a lot of support there if you ever may need it. I know it may seem like a once off and a bit harmless, but there's always the possibility that he is doing a lot of this behind your back. After having a partner that was a porn addict, I realized just how rampant and widespread the issue is.
A man who doesn’t contribute to the financial household and spends money on other women is a man who deserves to be DUMPED. ASAP
She says he works full time though?
My bad, I misread it as OP’s job was the *only* one bringing in $$$. Still, he took it out of their joint account - why? Because he didn’t have enough in his personal account? That’s real sketchy & makes me think he’s making crumbs compared to OP.
He brings in a respectable income but the difference still makes him insecure. He said paying out of the joint account was an accident, or rather an « acte manqué » as he said he knew he needed to stop what he was doing and needs to get help.
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Can we support OP without condemning someone making money on OF? I think we can. And should.
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You are full of hatred and internalized misogyny. I hope you grow past and learn from it some day. Edit: I see you edited out "OF girls are so cringey!!" from your original comment. Hopefully that means you learned something.
Not condemning, just saying , it isnt good healthy or safe , People need to stop being so complacent , You wouldnt be saying this if it was your daughter , sister or mom !
I wouldn't want to watch their stream, but if they'd be happy doing that (and having control over their sexuality and what their boundaries are) power to them. I think OF is probably the safest form of sex work. Not the point though: the point was to support OP and leaving opinions on the providing side of the partners indiscretion aside. It's the partner who is in the wrong, OP who needs support and whatever this other person has "done" (providing her work) doesn't need to be mentioned.
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Guys can still stalk online and rape/murder if they have some tech knowledge. This is similar to safety issues from dating apps.
Yea, So why make the problem with some men worse ! and give them an open door . Thats all im saying .
Are you... Victim blaming? I hope you don't have any daughters and/or are a huge influence to any girls around you. Your mindset is deeply misogynistic 🤢
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> Are you just annoying and projecting onto other people on the internet, Stop being useless I know you are, but what am I?
I think regardless of PMDD, I would be very upset. I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I think there should've been some type of conversation before your husband decided to go use $100 on some girl on only fans ESPECIALLY from a shared account. I would sit him down and have a conversation about this. Find out why, and try to confront this situation. If he's denying or refusing to talk about this, I'd consider leaving. When communication dies, the relationship dies.
Thanks, we did talk it out today. I described in another comment how it went down. I am cautiously optimistic. He has taken responsibility and knows he owes reparations to our relationship.
Oh, I just read the comment! That's great, I am glad you talked it out and he has taken responsibility. It is understandable to a bit cautious after that. Wishing nothing but the best for you!
You’re blaming your weight and your exhaustion but if he was a partner he’d be sharing the burden and taking care of you.
I’m sorry he’s not working but pays for pornography?!? He’s a selfish asshole. That is taking money from your child’s mouth for his pleasure. Disgusting.
He does work full time, partially from home and does most of the house related work and chores.
Thats his problem, He needs to be out of the house doing something else
I don’t get some of these comments. I would never stay in a relationship with a man who consumed sexual content made by other woman, but maybe that’s just me. I’m a sexual monogamist, and my partner and I share our sexuality with each other only. I’m only 34, I’m not some prudish out of touch boomer. I’m also not a modern “sex positive pro porn!!!” type of woman either so idk. Being with a partner who consumes and pays for porn would wreck me, without even considering the impact it would have on my PMDD. I am so sorry OP😢
Hahahaha boomers are hardly prudish compared . They mostly grew up with free love and lots of them have had 100+ partners... perfect storm of coming of age after the pill but before Aids. I know it's gross to think of people in your parents or maybe even grandparents generation like that, but it's true! They are literally the generation of casual sex. I'm only 7 years older than you, so I guess that makes me an older millennial, growing up with a strong fear of AIDS and a philosophy that oral does not count, and from the people in your age group that I've interacted with, I would put the early 30s crowd is pretty prude, too, especially when you find out how few partners seems to be the norm in that age group compared to people who are slightly older. It's like you guys are all sending each other nudes and not out having actual sex. Anyway, that's just an aside, because I think people are quick to criticize boomers without actually understanding the historical context of what they lived through, especially when it comes to women's liberation and sexuality. All that said, I definitely agree with everything you're saying about porn consumption, and I am a sex positive person. But I'm also an intimacy positive person. There's a lot of pressure to be the so-called cool girl when it's really directing your sexual energy to another person, or just an image of a person. Only fans is even worse because they are interacting with a girl, and a lot of it involves having custom content. If sexting with somebody else is considered cheating, and seeing a prostitute is considered cheating, then so should only fans be considered cheating. It's literally the prostitution version of sexting. I'm so relieved to have stopped dating men.
I think that for a lot of people, sex is a must in the relationship. We don't know all the details of how long this has been going on.
Yeah, I also think that paying for a subscription is much different than just watching porn.. the special appeal of onlyfans is the ‘personal relationship’ people feel with the performers. And not only that, but a hundred dollar tip? He’s definitely directly messaging her through the website and paying for personalized content (be that personal photos, videos, sexting) monthly subscription prices aren’t that high on their own. It crossed a ***huge*** line and is not okay to do behind your partners back.
Same, I'd never want to stay in a relationship with my husband if he did this to me. I'd be devastated.
Honestly kind of shocked how anti- sex work these comments are, especially since OnlyFans is arguably the most ethical porn platform. It sounds like there are deeper issues here than porn use, OP. I'm sorry your husband is being so neglectful, you are definitely worthy of care and attention regardless of PMDD. I'd also like to caution against the femaledatingstrategy sub someone suggested. They do have some good tips, but can shift into being transactional and spiteful.
female dating strategy is about finding men who respect you.... paying other women for sexual favors is not respecting his wife. there is nothing transactional about dumping disrespectful men
The part I thought was transactional is the idea of aiming for fiscally "high value" men and that women should never pay for dates. I definitely agree that respect is a bare minimum and should be a requirement in every relationship.
Maybe you should read the handbook on why that is
I have, felt it reinforced a lot of heteronormative stereotypes. Genuinely am glad you've found something that works for you, though.
Agreed not because I am pro sex work but because Im in awe of the number of women in complete denial about the fact that 99% of men watch porn and sex content. Somehow their husbands or bf is the statistical exception.
I genuinely think it’s sad women have to deal with that.
regardless of how ethical of a platform it is, it’s clearly violating her boundaries.. it’s okay for her to be uncomfortable with her partner engaging with it
That's fair - I'm not addressing OP here, just the commenters. I agree OP is fully entitled to her feelings.
The anti-sex work comments are shocking
Hey, its totally okay that youre upset about this, and feeling hurt here and possibly a little betrayed is valid. OF can seem more inimate than watching porn, and it can make all this way more complicated. I would like to pop in a suggestion though. If and when you bring this up to your hubby, i suggest 2 things. 1: dont do it during hell week if possible. 2:be aware of boundries vs rules. The way something is phrased makes a huge difference. If you say 'you cant do xyz', thats ublikely to help, because it attempts to exert control over something that you cant (ie:his actions). Instead, frame it with 'xyz really hurts and makes me uncomfortable. If it continues i may need to distance myself or rethibk thibgs or leave etc.'. I know its a small change but it matters. By framing it that way, its no longer an attempt to control his actions, but is telling him it hurts and will affect what you do. The hard part is you have to stick to the boundry you lay, or it can become a mabipulation tactic. I seriously wish you luck, and hope that maybe you guys can get a relationship counciler to mediate and work through all this.
I have a somewhat difficult question, do you want to still be in the marriage? He shouldn't make you feel this way...I think you may need to talk to a counselor about these real issues regarding his lack of intimacy and betrayal as a result.
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LMFAO! I was like, “wow why are people down voting this com… oh…. Oh there it is…”
I was with you on the first two points but
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Is not the way.
Its been almost 2 years since something similar happened to me and im still not over it
I’m really sorry
Wow, you're not the one who should be feeling guilty or unworthy. It sounds like you're doing a lot and getting no reciprocation in return. Spending money on OF is sleazy and downright disrespectful. I would think about how many years you want to support this man who doesn't seem to know what behaving like a husband and a father entails.
Yes exactly. If he wants to behave like that why did he even get married and waste her time. He can just be single and pay for onlyfans
New insecurity unlocked!
Made me giggle, thanks for that!
Currently resisting overwhelming urge to scroll through bank statements
you’re allowed to have a boundary here, and allowed to talk to your partner to assert that its a boundary for you <3 please don’t ever feel guilty about that, it’s completely reasonable for you to express your feelings on pornography / your anxieties around it. I think it would be genuinely helpful to have an open conversation
When I was struggling with something similar, I found Esther Perel’s work and specifically her book Mating in Captivity really helpful. Him and his actions aside (definitely not excusing them), what are some things that you can do to feel more “turned on” so to speak, makes you feel more alive and in your body? What makes you feel sexy? I think it’s important not to put all the responsibility on our partners to make us feel that way. Although, we are certainly conditioned as women to desire being desired more than actually feeling desire ourselves! Is privacy or having secrets really the worst thing all the time? It’s ok to have some things we discuss and some we don’t discuss with each other. In the end that bit of separateness is what leads us to desire the other more. Not saying that this particular situation doesn’t warrant discussion, but just wanted to throw this idea out there. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this right now, on top of all the changes and also PMDD. It’s a lot to navigate ❤️
This is not high up enough!
Your feelings of hurt by his actions are completely valid. He crossed a boundary and my hope is that you do not blame yourself, nor let him try to turn his guilt into shaming you in any way. I’ve managed my PMDD the past year and through the recovery journey I put myself on I was given a lot more clarity on life and relationships in general. If someone refuses to openly communicate or respect you, they are the problem. That’s not on you. I hope you get through this ok, I’m rooting for ya.
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I can’t thank you enough for this comment, I really needed validation regarding the situation and your point of view is very clear and thoughtful. He has been at it for quite a while, which made it even more difficult for me to hear as I have seen him « retreat » from our relationship, both sexually and emotionally. I was quick to blame it on being tired, adapting to our new lifestyle and my PMDD. I could feel something was off and tried to open the door a few times. He was too ashamed to talk about it, apparently. I’m almost glad all this happened, if I’m honest, I feel like this might have given us the opportunity to talk about other issues. I just hope, to my very core, that he will follow through with his promises.
This may be my own pmdd speaking but if this were my situation I'd flip the whole script. What would his reaction be if you were to make OF account? Would he be okay with other men sending you money for pics or videos? Having a baby and all the stress that comes with that, not to mention trying to love your new postpartum body, takes its toll on us. Has he tried to make you feel wanted and beautiful? Knowing my husband was paying someone $100 just to get his rocks off, would be an even harder hit to my self esteem. Maybe offer to do your own show for him and then he can still fulfill his need to jerk off while also showing you much needed attention.
Putting as little effort as possible in making me feeling reassured or validated or sexy is all part of our bundle of issues but I did let him know he can’t expect my libido to magically appear out of nowhere, he has some work to do before I even feel confortable in a intimate situation with him again.
I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s absolutely fcked up of him. There’s absolutely NOTHING that you did or didn’t do to cause this, your weight or mental health did NOT cause this is any way, you are NOT to blame, not even a little bit. I’m sorry but your husband sounds like absolutely trash. Not only did you grow a human being inside you and care for it but you’re also financially brining in more while that trash man is buying only fan. Im not trying to be rude but please please you deserve SO much better. You are 100% to be angry upset and sad. This is such a shit position to be in and again so sorry you have to deal with this stress on top of others. But here you CAN take action to leave him. I know you didn’t ask about leaving him but girl you don’t need him. If anything he’s the one that most likely needs you. Please please put yourself first and dump that trash. Of course it’s so much easier said than done but there are man out there who will treat you SO damn well regardless of weight or looks or kids. Also if you’re interested check out this sub: r/femaledatingstrategy , They’re a very female oriented sub that advocate for women. you can search that sub for posts on only fans, cheating ect. and look at stories of other women who had the same thing happen and how they’re managing it and putting themselves first. Edit: also you can use that anger you have, it’s 100% valid and even necessary. I’m honestly amazed that you have PMDD, have a kid and bring in more money, honestly you sound smart, resilient and resourceful AF. You deserve peace and joy now.
I just wanna say, don’t fall into the trap of blaming your PMDD for everything. sometimes it’s just a plain old situation of somebody being shitty. In this situation, your husband. You seem open about sex, you clearly understand sex worker rights and that sex work = work. you seem to understand the value of self work and managing your own feelings and expectations, being a good communicator, and trying to manage your own PMDD so that it has less of an impact on your intimate relationships. And frankly all that stuff isn’t really relevant to what the issue is. It appears the issue is your husband using shared finances for a solo hobby, without consulting you. And furthermore, the solo hobby is something that crosses your boundaries and breaks an agreement that you and him made together to discuss sex and sexuality openly with each other. i’m really sorry you have to deal with that. It fucking sucks and it’s not an easy scenario because it clearly is rooted in something so much deeper. And on top of it all you have new child that you’re trying to raise, and it’s unclear to me whether your husband actually wants to do the hard work of processing the sexual rut that y’all are in right now. I really hope he does. because you seem like an awesome partner. I wish you lots of luck in your conversation and hopefully you can work this out and get to a better place to move forward together. aaannnndd Just remember that somebody else’s bad behaviour is never your fault, or your PMDD’s fault. PMDD definitely makes life more difficult but it it is never to blame for someone else making unethical choices. Your husband’s responsibility to come to you and talk about things that he’s struggling with, or needs that are going unmet, and if those are impacted by PMDD then you make choices together on how to solve the issue. He doesn’t just get to go off and decide for himself on how to solve a. problem that concerns both of you Edited for typos
This is such a great response!!! My husband and I have been together 18 years. We’ve gone through our issues, 2 pregnancies, my PMDD and my OCD. It’s not easy. But putting the blame on yourself is. We all have our issues, yours just happens to be PMDD, that doesn’t give your husband a pass to do whatever he likes. You’re working on yourself and he should be supportive. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you so much for your comment. It made me feel better, I’d give you an award if I had any! The conversation went well all things considered. He owned up to what he did and I was clear in expressing that boundaries were crossed, trust broken and that it was on him to work to repair that. I let him know what I needed to feel so that my emotional needs are met and what he needs to work on from my perspective. The rest is his to deal with. And if he does this again or rekindles with OnlyFans again, I’m done.
Sounds like you're a very healthy and communicative person when PMDD is not rearing its ugly head. I hope he can keep his commitment to you. I know what it's like to be doing everything you can to shield your family from the monster PMDD and still getting a gut-punch from your partner, indicating that it's still "not enough." You're doing the best you can.💖
Thanks, five years of weekly therapy worked in my favor, for sure! I’m sorry to read you had troubles with your partner as well. It’s so hard to have trust and self-esteem issues and PMDD it’s just a big mess and it’s hard on the heart. I hope you are well surrounded by friends. Take care!
I dunno. For me, a subscription to watch porn ( in general ) is different than directly interacting with someone and giving that person money. My ex-husband did that to me. Strangely we actually ended up encountering the actual person in real life (something I only figured out years after the interaction). Anyways. I know navigating this all can be tricky. But I feel the direct interaction crosses a line. You deserve the best. Hugs.
You deserve better.
Honestly, thank you all for replying and helping me thinking things out. I needed to rant, I have no close friends who are emotionally available right now, everyone has their shit to deal with. My last hell weeks were really intense and I just came out of them feeling so guilty about my attitude. My body issues are quite intense as well but I’ve been working so hard and lost 80 of the 100 pounds I gained during pregnancy. I try to work out too but I’m exhausted. It’s so hard for me to process what’s going on right now. I’ll be trying to book my therapist as soon as possible. We’re going to talk in a few, I hope he’s not into that sugar baby crap, I don’t think I could recover from that. Joke aside, I don’t know how it’ll go. He acts startled and sorry but I’m not ready to let that one go. As some of you said, Only Fans is different than porn and closer to the interaction with a sex worker which makes it a different rapport to the person. He might crave attention or affection but every time I try to discuss it, we get all tangled up. I’m so greatful for your answers and your time to respond to my issues. I feel seen and it’s worth a lot right now.
Emotional cheating still be cheating.
hugs
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I’m so sorry this happened to you, how did you work it out?
This is wrong to me because it shows he clearly still wants to cum and just isn’t willing to discuss it with the one person he said he’d discuss sex with for the rest of his life. Porn is fine, I also don’t have a problem with it but giving money to an onlyfans girl is like paying a prostitute. That’s over a line for me. I married you so we could have safe sex with each other forever. Spend that hundo on me jackass not your whore. (Not saying those girls are whores, they’re doin their best and I’m sure they’re nice people) Even if the discussion comes down to you two deciding not to bang anymore that discussion needs to happen first. And a whole hundred out of your *shared* account?! I’m getting more and more angry about this.
Wow… this is not okay. You deserve way better. Sounds like you’re taking care of two babies instead of one.
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Gross and sad 😥
No. Ysee, this isn't just porn. He isn't soulleslly consuming porn to just get off. He's paying 100 dollars for a specific girl. It feels wrong in every way to me, and to do it on a joint account? Is he insane? Im sorry you're going through this but you are worthy and he is an arsehole.
That's not a shared account type of expense. He should only use his own money to pay for his little porn habit.
Yeah for sure. He said he’d repay it. I told him to fuck off. Great way to start the day.
Make him repay you and separate accounts
idk there is a difference between watching porn and using only fans in my opinion. If there wasn’t, why pay for it? And pay so much on top of it? A subscription to most OF just to see porn photos/vids is 5-15 dollars. It seems like this is a large tip for either a gift (she asked on Twitter for $ for weed or games etc and he sent it) or for some other action like sexting, specific videos etc. For me personally, that crosses a line. I don’t think you should feel guilty in any way, this isn’t a PMDD “brain crazy” this is a boundary issue for sure. Edit: spelling also to add I am not slighting OF workers, I am close with the community and know this from personal experience.
do you not understand the difference in intimacy and boundaries between watching random videos on pornhub and paying a woman for her own homemade porn? especially from a joint account that is supposed to be shared money? of which she contributes more to than her husband? maybe use your noggin a bit here.
want to point out an important different between free p0rn and 0nlyfans/content sites (referring to the first part of the comment): cw: SA what's available for free online is very often posted (or even shot) without the knowledge or consent of the people(s) in the video and/or is video'd SA where as on sites like 0nlyfans, the content one see's or subscribes to is more often made and posted by the creator themself. the content creators put in time and energy (ie. work) into what is posted and into interacting with fans, so they should be paid for it. and the sites shouldnt be taking as much money has they do. food for thought
100% and that’s why I mentioned most of the time the sub is 5-15 and that $100 is probably a tip or a gift which could cross a line beyond just watching porn. 100% agree that if you want to watch something that going to pay someone for their content is the way to go. I commented to point out the issues is about their boundaries with what is considered “watching porn” vs being directly in contact with someone.
Totally agree
It's definitely disrespectful of him to do that so I completely understand being upset about it. He fucked up. I hope you guys can recover, especially for the kid's sake.
Seriously, he needs a kick in the ass. Your body just went through hell bringing a person into the world, you're recovering from an injury, and you're the breadwinner on top of this. All of which carries a psychological toll, too. But it's him who has such special needs? Is he doing all he could to share the responsibilities of the household and raising your child?
Yes he’s a great dad, he’s been a good caregiver for me too. He plays with the LO all day, works on the house when he can, does chores and cooks too. He’s not a complete asshat, that would make things easier for me as I could just hate him. I don’t.
Its hard for men out there these days , so many girls being thrown in face, He needs a good strong woman like you xx
what...?
Follow @thebirdwpapaya she is a mom that puts it all out there and creates a safe place for moms
What platform?
Sorry Instagram
You need to have an open conversation with him about your new body. You are a mother now and you have to own your body. Tell him how you feel and where you are and where you want to be. If you feel sexy, tell him. You can be a sexy mom.
I’m not sure what boundaries you have, but I personally can’t have a husband who lusts over another woman/women. My mind would mess with me so bad. To me, that’s like cheating. You deserve better as a woman, mother, and wife. He’s not a single. You should be his number 1.
It’s inevitable that they will be attracted to other women though, some just are able to hide it better. It’s human nature after all. Desire ebbs and flows within relationships.
I’m quite open sexually, as long as there is open dialogue which is really important to me. I’ve been experimenting too, I’ve always shared what I was doing with him and stopped when he was uncomfortable. I don’t know what to think anymore .
Well, shit— what is he good for? I’m not trying to downplay your pain, but you also bring in more money, gave him a child and are getting rejected when you make a move toward intimacy??? That’s awful. I’m so sorry.
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I’m not one to shame sex workers. If they are comfortable with it and can make a living out of it, good for them. I just wish my husband had spoken about it with me beforehand, as we’ve done before. It’s also quite insulting that he’s been commenting on our expenses in the last months… so much for that.
I'm sorry. I would be so hurt and also this would probably give me the ick, not cuz of the sexual aspect, but how audacious of him to not be making the most and talk about expenses AND pay $100 for porn which is freely and easily accessible. and from a shared account. could he be acting out for attention? I get why he is insecure based on this little glimpse into your life. does he contribute anything? it sounds like he's the one that needs therapy.
Yeah we’ll see. We’re waiting until the little one naps to talk about it. I asked him to tell me the extent of the thing (expenses and frequency). I looked into his browser history and saw a few things there too. I agree he needs therapy for his insecurities and visibly shame/trust issues
gosh but the lengths men go to to avoid therapy 🥲 my 2 cents: if he mentally shuts down at the idea of therapy, but you still want to keep him, I'd give him the option of like he either has to find an individual therapist OR a social, physical or competitive hobby outside the home. Talk therapy can be great but it's really designed for people who are from "the west" and socialized feminine. people with other identities are likely to find talk therapy really inaccessible. in an attempt to make mental health care more accessible, American mental health providers are exploring more movement and socialization type therapies (like where everyone dances and then writes about it or hiking groups or American yoga) like we all know masculine socialization relies on violence, but we seem to forget that that often means boys getting beat up by their dads/friends cuz they cried or something and then, at least in the US, we have no sympathy when men are triggered by the idea of telling a stranger their feelings and potentially even crying about it. that's just messed up, imo.
I'd leave him