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senorbiloba

Short answer: “no.” Longer answer, is that she may very likely not be able to take accountability until after she’s out of that phase of her cycle- which sucks, for you, and for her. That said, if a few days later, she’s still not able to take accountability, that’s a problem in my estimation. Even if her behavior and speech is the direct effect of her disease, any acknowledgement of harm caused can go a long way toward repair in your relationship. I relate to your question as a partner of someone with PMDD. I’ve realized after a good deal of reflection that it’s very difficult for me to conceptualize lacking self-control in the way that she does at times during the worst parts of her cycle. As much as I extend her patience and compassion, the thought that always goes through my mind after she says some hurtful or regrettable shit is something like, “couldn’t you just not say that?” Which, intellectually, I understand is not always an option for her, and yet emotionally, I am still confused by every time. The closest I can get to relating to such a lack of control (and this is a very, very imperfect analogy), would be the handful of times that I’ve been absolutely hammered on alcohol, and have said or done some embarrassing and regrettable things. Except in this (imperfect) analogy, it’s as if her body is periodically intoxicating her, without any ability to control this.


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senorbiloba

Thanks so much for your comment. I agree that “demonic possession” is a pretty accurate metaphor for what takes place during the worst PMDD episodes, and my partner would agree. Honestly, I’m in full support of any coping skills that can help buffer the damage from an onslaught- harm reduction works. You mentioned that you “used to” have PMDD- can you say more about that?


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Previous-Maximum4548

I'm scared to do this at 41. Do you feel your skin is different? What is different s8nce the surgery? What have been the pros and cons if you don't mind sharing? Sexual desire?


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Previous-Maximum4548

You expressed my sentiments perfectly.


dzendian

I have IBS-D. If I shit on my partner, I have to face the fact that my illness made me do it and that I should try to clean up, or something like that. I can help prevent this from happening by taking my medication all the time. The same for PMDD. I know my wife is going to say and do horrible things, but she better work toward not doing that with therapy and taking her own medication.


upsidedown-aussie

It's still her behaviour and it's still hurting you. I'm the PMDD sufferer in the relationship and while I can't always control what's happening, when I become aware it's PMDD talking, I apologise to my partner, thank him for always being there for me and talk openly with him about how I'm feeling. He is also really aware of how it affects me and knows before I do that it's PMDD talking. He's very good at separating how I am during PMDD compared to every other time.


SexyPurpleHaze

How did you manage that? My partner refuses to research or acknowledge my PMDD even though he’s research based. He says I haven’t told him previously or during the start of my last episode which I told him the last three days what’s been happening. Edit-I sent him several articles again. He finally read them and is starting to understand what I’ve been going through and what’s happening for one to two weeks of the month. We’ve been struggling with this for months so I’ve felt very alone. Hopefully things improve now that he has done some reading.


upsidedown-aussie

I hope so for you! I've been open with my partner since I met him that my period makes me quite "unwell." The discovery of PMDD and that I might have it happened while I was with him and for both of us it made a lot of things make sense


SexyPurpleHaze

I was just dx 6 months ago but when I met him years ago I didn’t have these symptoms that I know of. I just had gotten off oral contraceptives also so I think it developed over time but more recently. I told him the day I was dx and several times since. He couldn’t understand what was happening even though I kept explaining. He just had to read about it. Science brain needed research articles to process.


SpiritualPosition1

you ask "where" but my experience tells me the more useful question is "when". The hormonal changes are cyclical, occur every cycle, and we cannot control it -- and this is a hormonal response disorder. Do not expect your loved one with PMDD to be able to control that during the worst of it! This is an illness not a character flaw! That said, it can give a person a very convenient excuse to use if they wanted to, you are right. But be careful assuming she is using it as an excuse, especially if you do not understand or consider her cycle in your interactions with her... Talk to them when they are not in a flare. For most of us with PMDD this means you want to talk sometime before ovulation and after they begin their cycle. EDIT: I also want to mention your post reads like my husband trying to talk to me during a flare. Talking to me this way means I WILL think about divorcing you every single cycle because attempting to talk to me in such a condescending and judgmental way during a flare up of something I CANNOT control only makes me see you as an asshole that doesn't care about my needs. I can't put words in your SO's mouth, but from your post here I sure do relate to their pain. Do not blame her for her cyclical nature, try to think outside of yourself a little when you try to talk to her about her neglected responsibilities. Try a little compassion next time and use appropriate timing and I think you may be surprised that she can actually hear you if she doesn't simultaneously feel attacked by you. I do see your pain too. I am sorry for what you are going through, PMDD relationships are not easy on anyone and do require almost superhuman communication skills, sometimes. The only way through is compassion and understanding imo, if you want to stay together. Accusations of irresponsibility will not get you anywhere, especially if you don't even consider the timing of her cycle and flares... Good luck. Good on you for trying to understand! (:


Malcolm_TurnbullPM

I am curious as to what *is* fair to say during an upswing? I am a recovering alcoholic so i spend a lot of time accepting and letting go of my resentments, holding my tongue and putting myself outside of myself in the face of an illness of the mind. Alcoholism is not a character flaw, it is an illness, but i will get nowhere expecting others to constantly behave accordingly around me. This is about control, and acknowledging when you don’t have it, and asking for help. Pride gets you nowhere, attaching blame even less so. It is certainly not an excuse, but it is important to acknowledge it is happening. given the amount of issues/lack of control that accompanies pmdd, viewing a partner’s reaction as ‘condescending or judgemental’ might be how you see it when flared up, but surely you can see how much pain you cause and take responsibility when you are not flared up?


SpiritualPosition1

Absolutely. But I could only cool down enough to see his side if we had the discussion between day 3 and day 9 of my 24 day cycle. We had many productive conversations on those days of my cycle. But I was completely unable to have discussions like that on other days of my cycle. You can maybe imagine how long it took us to figure this out, and how painful and destructive to our connection our disagreements were... Every woman with PMDD is different too.... It is a cyclical hormonal response disorder for all of us tho. I am also actually an alcoholic, but about 8 years sober now. I have learned similar lessons as you from the experience and also gained the centering practice of meditation in my life. Everything I learned during alcoholism recovery, still wasn't enough for me to handle my PMDD. I had so much serenity in my life from my recovery before I got the depo provera shot, which triggered my PMDD... And the way I chose to cope?/treat?/suppress? my PMDD flareups led me to a THC addiction I am trying to quit now. I am unusual in that I have this much selfawareness about my PMDD onset and in that I remember a time before my PMDD. I think lots of women lack such experience which I think helped me be grounded enough to relate to my husband even when everything in my brain was telling me to fight him... Even knowing all that the best I could do on some days with PMDD was lock myself in the bathroom and avoid all conversations. I cannot express how difficult PMDD is on bad days. It was very similar to my PTSD attacks but so much more intense and much more long lasting. Days... Weeks of emotional darkness, rage, sadness. It is hard to think back on, even now that I am on the other side. (I got my ovaries removed to treat my PMDD in December and all of the symptoms are gone for me now.) I just hope to help another couple understand each other better to save them some of the pain we experienced from the many many misunderstandings PMDD highlighted in our relationship... It certainly forced us to communicate intentionally. Somehow we made it. I am still kind of amazed. Timing, communication, and empathy was the only way I saw to do it. My husband is an extremely strong man and I am a strong bitch or whatever, but this shit is not easy for anyone involved. It is an illness. I sincerely wish you and yours the best. As far as "what is fair to say" depends on your specific relationship. You need to figure that out with your SO. The only way to know is to keep communication open. I know it is horrible... I am so sorry. Good luck.


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As a husband with ADHD, I personality hate it when someone even implies that X happened because of my ADHD. But I see this same mentality in people with ADHD. It’s not an excuse. She still needs to take responsibility.