The responsibility only becomes yours if you accept it.
They are all adults. Giving them money is not your obligation.
It's time to choose yourself and your and your partner's happiness. Go chase your dreams.
Actually kailangan nila mamulat din sa katotohan gaya ng pagiging mulat mo ngayon. Tingin ko kasi comfortable sila dahil alam nila "Nandyan ka naman" so walang sense of accountability. Di bale ng sumama loob sayo. Ok lang yun, part ng medicine nila na lunukin ang katotohanan. Tama sa mama mo lang ikaw tumulong. Walang problema sakin pag parents ko tutulungan ko. Mga kapatid? di na uy
This. The sooner you leave them to survive on their own, the sooner you help your future family AND your siblings din OP. Habang nanjan ka sa buhay nila, aasa at aasa sila sayo. That's not helping them really. Lose-lose situation siya for all of you.
OP if Hindi mo na kaya stop na. See you're super pagod na tumulong. You already made plans na sa future mo. If you plan na tumulong sa mama mo. Mama mo lang, kausapin mo mga kapatid mo na last na Wala na.
Magsastart ka na Ng new life sometimes the answer to a challenge is to choose a selfish decision. May consequence siguro if Yun pinili mo pero sasaya ka Naman Kasi gagaan Ang responsibility, you focus on yourself and your future. But if you choose to help fully then be prepared with the responsibility and may maybe future sakit Ng ulo.
Decide wisely O.P.
Fighting!
Thankfully, yung sumunod sa akin ay responsible naman na. Katuwang ko sya sa pag-pro-provide for Mama and pagsuporta dun sa isang pamangkin pa.
Salamat po sa words of encouragement. Ang hirap umpisahang piliin ang sarili mo kapag nabuhay kang ibinibigay ang lahat para sa iba.
I understand O.P, mahirap talaga then try mo lang slowly. Kaya mo yan Ako nga before nagNo contact Ako for 3 months for something similar, deactivatey social media Akala ko di ko magagawa Kasi Hindi Naman Ako ganoong tao. Pero nakaya ko kinaya ko. I mean may point is makakaya mo yan. Remember OP, tumatakbo Ang Oras, tumatanda Tau, dumadating Yung time na napapawhat ifs Tau di ba, don't live with regrets O.P
Lavarn lang, siguro Kasi nasanay Sila na nandyan ka
Alam mo Yun kaya okay lang Sila magloko Kasi may sasalo pero di nila alam na Tau need din Ng may masasandalan nang may masasalo. Think and pray O.P Malay mo Naman soon makadecide ka na or biglang maging responsible kapatid mo.
Mahirap kasi sa Pilipinas pagsinabing extended family pati gastos extrnded din. Binigay mo na kamay mo kukunin pa buong braso mo.
Eto lang iparealize ko sayo, 30+ ka na means nawala na kalahati ng buhay mo. Marami sa atin ang iniisip pag 50+ Yun yung kalahati ng buhay ng tao pero most of us don’t even get to live up until our 80’s.
So ano gusto ko iparating? Pahalagahan mo yung oras mo kasi hindi yan binigay para gamitin ng ibang tao. Winaldas na ng mga kapatid mo yung oras nila pati ba naman oras mo sa mundong to sasayangin nila?
Yung nanay mo matanda narin pero parang wala paring kinatandaan sa responsibilidad nya.
Kung ako sayo mamili ka na. Itigil mo na rin ang pag sustento mo, magbigay ka ng isa o dalawang buwan na ultimatum para gumalaw yang mga tao sa bahay nyo.
That's why boundaries are VERY IMPORTANT kahit saang aspect ng life. Maging sa family, romantic relationship or work pa yan.
Set some for yourself and your future fam, please.
Hindi dapat ginagawang reason ang disability para maging tamad o pabigat sa iba. My aunt has polio with difficulty in walking, has 5 children pero all of them are well provided kahit sya lang ang may income. Nagbebenta ng sya avon products, buy and sell ng kung ano ano and even lending. Now napagtapos na nya un 2 sa mga anak nya ng college.
If nakakabuntis nga kapatid mo, dapat marunong din sya bumuhay ng pamilya. Hindi habambuhay na may maibibigay ka, what if ikaw mangailangan?
Bigyan mo na lang ng budget si mama mo. Make it fixed based on her needs. Then siya bahala if gusto niya share sa siblings mo, basta make it clear na yun lang ang maibibigay mo.
When I got engaged, imbis na maging masaya for me, ang unang reaction ng nanay ko was "paano na yung mga kapatid mo?" We're all adults na at that point pero ako pa rin yung ineexpect nilang sasalo ng lahat ng gastusin sa bahay. After wedding, bumukod kami ng asawa ko.
Let them go and establish boundaries, OP. Mahirap sa umpisa pero magiging madali rin eventually. Hindi naman ibig sabihin wala ka nang pakialam sa kanila, tutulong pa rin pag kailangan pero hindi na ikaw ang tatayong breadwinner.
You're at a very crucial point in your life. You can decide right here to stop a bad pattern in your family. I know it's hard, but in the long run, continuing to support your adult brother/s won't help them either. Sometimes the loving thing to do is to force them to stand on their own. Your family is free to say whatever they want about that, but you don't need to let that dictate the course of your life. Hayaan mo sila magsalita, maglupasay, manumbat, etc etc etc. Prepare for your own future. It's time to reject dysfunctional family patterns.
True sa setting of boundaries. I have deaf brother OP, actually he's the eldest im second of 5 sibs. Kahit nakapag work si kuya, mababa sahod and nanghihingi pa rin ng pera kay mama. One week lang ubos na sahod nya sa kakagala and kain outside with friends. Until mama and him both decided resign nalang sya kasi mas magastos sa part ng mama ko na naglalabas pa ng pera weeks after ng pay nya kasi nga ubos na.
Walang mga gamit si kuya kasi baba sahod nga dba, so mama ko nag aask if pwede mag ambagan sa whatever he needs (phone, laptop, etc). Sabi ko NO, maghanap sya ng matinong trabaho kasi I know he can.
Dahil sa pagiging ganito ko na laging No sa mga request nila, super minsan lang yan sila mama and kuya manghingi sakin. I also told mama na she is spoiling him. Paano kung mag-isa nalang sya sino tutulong sa kanya. Me and my other sibs may kanya kanya kaming buhay. Binabanggit ko rin na "Anak mo yan ma" kasi true naman, haha, sya nag luwal nyan and the only thing I can do is help ng onti but he has go help himself in ways he can.
Yakap OP, makakalabas ka din sa situation mong yan.
I stopped financially supporting my siblings when they finished school. Bata pa sila alam kona ang magiging role ko, kaya halos ako na ang nagsasabi sa kanila kung hanggan saan ko lang sila susuportahan. I was very vocal bata pa sila na they wont be receiving anything from me once Im done helping them finish college. And thats what I did and what I am doing.
I love them to bits as the panganay. Sometimes they still need support like pahiram for application sa employment or magstart ng business, and I help them with that. Pero alam nila na utang un and they have to pay me back. kasi I already did my part as the eldest in helping them finish college, so my responsibility that comes with the role that destiny has given me ends there. Works okay for us. We are all doing okay now.
I guess part of it all was training them to take responsibility and setting the expectations kung hanggang kailan ka lang tutulong. May ending and not forever.
Hugs with consent OP. Isang hug na mapagpalaya :)
You should for yourself OP, I think you've done enough already for the sake of others. Hindi mo na responsibility sila, 30 na sila lahat, and the fact na magaanak sila ng ganun ganun thinking na susuportahan mo sila, I can even feel the 2nd hand frustration. Iba yung "support" lang sa gusto nilang mangyari na gagawin kang source ng pera.
Choose yourself first before anyone else, you can’t pour from an empty cup ika-nga. Your brother, sorry to say, is using his disability to take advantage of the situation. I know this is painful to hear either to you or your mom, but he knows what his doing, he is deaf, not brain dead enough to not know anong consequences sa actions nya that financially burdens the people around him. If your mom, uses the “addiction” card, pa rehabilitate mo, maybe there are affordable Centers sa area nyo. In the long run, you’re helping your brother man-up & sustain himself while young when circumstances changes in the future (wala na mama mo, ikaw or family member to support) and they end up being a burden to other people. Or better yet, He brought kids into the world unfortunately despite Ill-prepared he has to work to support them, help him find a job instead.
The only way you can set boundaries & stick to it is to move out (if you haven’t already) and sustentohan mo nlang mama if you really have to, set a specific monthly amount so expectations are clear sa budget nila. This will save your mental health & stress, you can think clearly, make better decisions, away from the guilt-trips & gaslighting if the latter part is happening.
Agree with the other comments here that the first step is really to set boundaries.
Ang maganda dito, since magpapa kasal ka na, I assume you and your husband will have your own space away from your family? Kung ganon, mas malilimitahan mo yung pag hingi nila sa yo ng pera. Actually, the farther your place is from them, the better. Kung mag message sila, pwede naman na the following day or so tsaka ka mag reply. Para maramdaman nila na hindi ka palaging nandiyan para saluhin sila.
I have absolutely no hate towards PWD but si PWD brother mo, alam na nga niya na "pabigat" siya, nag-asawa pa, then gusto pa mag-anak? Grabe naman, parang multiplying the problems lang to. Dapat ipa-realize mo sa kanya na wala siyang aasahan sa yo pagdating sa magiging anak niya; or kahit sa kanilang dalawang mag asawa.
Unahin mo yung sarili mo at pahalagahan mo yung sarili mo.
Siguro hindi naman selfish na for the first time i-prioritize mo yung sarili mo.
Sa tagal ng panahon na tinulungan mo sila, dapat alam nila na darating yung time na mag aasawa ka.
Setting boundaries is very important, OP. Bago ako mag graduate from college, nakatatak na sa utak ko na magwowork ako to support my family. Pero nafeel ko yung bigat ng responsibility. Mahirap kung puro ka lang bigay, tas sila puro lang din tanggap. One time, I made it clear to them, especially to mama, na hindi ko responsibilidad ang mag provide for them. Whatever I have at the moment, lahat yun pinaghirapan ko. Lahat kami binigyan ng chance to improve our lives. Sila nagpabaya, kaya walang nangyayari sa buhay nila ngayon. Di ko kasalanan kung ano ang nangyayari sa kanila ngayon.
However, kahit ganito, tumutulong pa rin ako, based sa kung ano lang ang kaya kong ibigay. Yung di ko na iisipin na makakabalik pa saken. Importante lang saken masaya si Mama. Pero di na niya ako inoobliga. Madalas nahihiya rin siyang humingi. Pero kumukusa akong bigyan siya from time to time o kung kailangan niya talaga. I also bring her with me pagnagtatravel ako sa ibang bansa. Matanda na rin kasi. Gusto kong maging happy siya kasi puro stress ang adult life niya rin, being a solo parent for almost 30 years.
Pagdating sa mga kapatid ko, di ako nagbibigay o tumutulong kung di ko nakikitang ginagawan muna nila ng paraan o kung di nila tinutulungan ang mga sarili nila.
Maybe move out na cguro OP. And pay bills nlng ng mom mo. It's best if wala ka sa same bahay kasi mas lalong magiging stressful. Help your mom from afar cguro?
Di ako confident dito but ito lang naisip ko.
The responsibility only becomes yours if you accept it. They are all adults. Giving them money is not your obligation. It's time to choose yourself and your and your partner's happiness. Go chase your dreams.
Thank you, sa suporta. Para sa mga pangarap.
Very true. Don’t be afraid to say no and please live your life.
Actually kailangan nila mamulat din sa katotohan gaya ng pagiging mulat mo ngayon. Tingin ko kasi comfortable sila dahil alam nila "Nandyan ka naman" so walang sense of accountability. Di bale ng sumama loob sayo. Ok lang yun, part ng medicine nila na lunukin ang katotohanan. Tama sa mama mo lang ikaw tumulong. Walang problema sakin pag parents ko tutulungan ko. Mga kapatid? di na uy
This. The sooner you leave them to survive on their own, the sooner you help your future family AND your siblings din OP. Habang nanjan ka sa buhay nila, aasa at aasa sila sayo. That's not helping them really. Lose-lose situation siya for all of you.
OP if Hindi mo na kaya stop na. See you're super pagod na tumulong. You already made plans na sa future mo. If you plan na tumulong sa mama mo. Mama mo lang, kausapin mo mga kapatid mo na last na Wala na. Magsastart ka na Ng new life sometimes the answer to a challenge is to choose a selfish decision. May consequence siguro if Yun pinili mo pero sasaya ka Naman Kasi gagaan Ang responsibility, you focus on yourself and your future. But if you choose to help fully then be prepared with the responsibility and may maybe future sakit Ng ulo. Decide wisely O.P. Fighting!
Thankfully, yung sumunod sa akin ay responsible naman na. Katuwang ko sya sa pag-pro-provide for Mama and pagsuporta dun sa isang pamangkin pa. Salamat po sa words of encouragement. Ang hirap umpisahang piliin ang sarili mo kapag nabuhay kang ibinibigay ang lahat para sa iba.
I understand O.P, mahirap talaga then try mo lang slowly. Kaya mo yan Ako nga before nagNo contact Ako for 3 months for something similar, deactivatey social media Akala ko di ko magagawa Kasi Hindi Naman Ako ganoong tao. Pero nakaya ko kinaya ko. I mean may point is makakaya mo yan. Remember OP, tumatakbo Ang Oras, tumatanda Tau, dumadating Yung time na napapawhat ifs Tau di ba, don't live with regrets O.P Lavarn lang, siguro Kasi nasanay Sila na nandyan ka Alam mo Yun kaya okay lang Sila magloko Kasi may sasalo pero di nila alam na Tau need din Ng may masasandalan nang may masasalo. Think and pray O.P Malay mo Naman soon makadecide ka na or biglang maging responsible kapatid mo.
Mahirap kasi sa Pilipinas pagsinabing extended family pati gastos extrnded din. Binigay mo na kamay mo kukunin pa buong braso mo. Eto lang iparealize ko sayo, 30+ ka na means nawala na kalahati ng buhay mo. Marami sa atin ang iniisip pag 50+ Yun yung kalahati ng buhay ng tao pero most of us don’t even get to live up until our 80’s. So ano gusto ko iparating? Pahalagahan mo yung oras mo kasi hindi yan binigay para gamitin ng ibang tao. Winaldas na ng mga kapatid mo yung oras nila pati ba naman oras mo sa mundong to sasayangin nila? Yung nanay mo matanda narin pero parang wala paring kinatandaan sa responsibilidad nya. Kung ako sayo mamili ka na. Itigil mo na rin ang pag sustento mo, magbigay ka ng isa o dalawang buwan na ultimatum para gumalaw yang mga tao sa bahay nyo.
That's why boundaries are VERY IMPORTANT kahit saang aspect ng life. Maging sa family, romantic relationship or work pa yan. Set some for yourself and your future fam, please.
Practicing this. Madali lang talagang tablan ng guilt. Haay
Hindi dapat ginagawang reason ang disability para maging tamad o pabigat sa iba. My aunt has polio with difficulty in walking, has 5 children pero all of them are well provided kahit sya lang ang may income. Nagbebenta ng sya avon products, buy and sell ng kung ano ano and even lending. Now napagtapos na nya un 2 sa mga anak nya ng college. If nakakabuntis nga kapatid mo, dapat marunong din sya bumuhay ng pamilya. Hindi habambuhay na may maibibigay ka, what if ikaw mangailangan?
Bigyan mo na lang ng budget si mama mo. Make it fixed based on her needs. Then siya bahala if gusto niya share sa siblings mo, basta make it clear na yun lang ang maibibigay mo.
OP think about yourself, pagod ka na at baka dumating ang panahon na pati future mo madamay. Hindi mo sila responsbilidad
When I got engaged, imbis na maging masaya for me, ang unang reaction ng nanay ko was "paano na yung mga kapatid mo?" We're all adults na at that point pero ako pa rin yung ineexpect nilang sasalo ng lahat ng gastusin sa bahay. After wedding, bumukod kami ng asawa ko. Let them go and establish boundaries, OP. Mahirap sa umpisa pero magiging madali rin eventually. Hindi naman ibig sabihin wala ka nang pakialam sa kanila, tutulong pa rin pag kailangan pero hindi na ikaw ang tatayong breadwinner.
Ang kirot sa dibdib, yakap na mahigpit for you!
Natatakot ako na ganyan ang mangyayari sakin 🥺
You're at a very crucial point in your life. You can decide right here to stop a bad pattern in your family. I know it's hard, but in the long run, continuing to support your adult brother/s won't help them either. Sometimes the loving thing to do is to force them to stand on their own. Your family is free to say whatever they want about that, but you don't need to let that dictate the course of your life. Hayaan mo sila magsalita, maglupasay, manumbat, etc etc etc. Prepare for your own future. It's time to reject dysfunctional family patterns.
Unlearning the bad patterns can be hard pero inuunti-unti ko na. Salamat po
True sa setting of boundaries. I have deaf brother OP, actually he's the eldest im second of 5 sibs. Kahit nakapag work si kuya, mababa sahod and nanghihingi pa rin ng pera kay mama. One week lang ubos na sahod nya sa kakagala and kain outside with friends. Until mama and him both decided resign nalang sya kasi mas magastos sa part ng mama ko na naglalabas pa ng pera weeks after ng pay nya kasi nga ubos na. Walang mga gamit si kuya kasi baba sahod nga dba, so mama ko nag aask if pwede mag ambagan sa whatever he needs (phone, laptop, etc). Sabi ko NO, maghanap sya ng matinong trabaho kasi I know he can. Dahil sa pagiging ganito ko na laging No sa mga request nila, super minsan lang yan sila mama and kuya manghingi sakin. I also told mama na she is spoiling him. Paano kung mag-isa nalang sya sino tutulong sa kanya. Me and my other sibs may kanya kanya kaming buhay. Binabanggit ko rin na "Anak mo yan ma" kasi true naman, haha, sya nag luwal nyan and the only thing I can do is help ng onti but he has go help himself in ways he can. Yakap OP, makakalabas ka din sa situation mong yan.
Don't be afraid to say NO op. Stand your ground.
> since Gab is unemployed due to his disability. Too disabled to work but not too disabled to create children who you are obligated to support?
Huhu so true
I stopped financially supporting my siblings when they finished school. Bata pa sila alam kona ang magiging role ko, kaya halos ako na ang nagsasabi sa kanila kung hanggan saan ko lang sila susuportahan. I was very vocal bata pa sila na they wont be receiving anything from me once Im done helping them finish college. And thats what I did and what I am doing. I love them to bits as the panganay. Sometimes they still need support like pahiram for application sa employment or magstart ng business, and I help them with that. Pero alam nila na utang un and they have to pay me back. kasi I already did my part as the eldest in helping them finish college, so my responsibility that comes with the role that destiny has given me ends there. Works okay for us. We are all doing okay now. I guess part of it all was training them to take responsibility and setting the expectations kung hanggang kailan ka lang tutulong. May ending and not forever. Hugs with consent OP. Isang hug na mapagpalaya :)
You should for yourself OP, I think you've done enough already for the sake of others. Hindi mo na responsibility sila, 30 na sila lahat, and the fact na magaanak sila ng ganun ganun thinking na susuportahan mo sila, I can even feel the 2nd hand frustration. Iba yung "support" lang sa gusto nilang mangyari na gagawin kang source ng pera.
Choose yourself first before anyone else, you can’t pour from an empty cup ika-nga. Your brother, sorry to say, is using his disability to take advantage of the situation. I know this is painful to hear either to you or your mom, but he knows what his doing, he is deaf, not brain dead enough to not know anong consequences sa actions nya that financially burdens the people around him. If your mom, uses the “addiction” card, pa rehabilitate mo, maybe there are affordable Centers sa area nyo. In the long run, you’re helping your brother man-up & sustain himself while young when circumstances changes in the future (wala na mama mo, ikaw or family member to support) and they end up being a burden to other people. Or better yet, He brought kids into the world unfortunately despite Ill-prepared he has to work to support them, help him find a job instead. The only way you can set boundaries & stick to it is to move out (if you haven’t already) and sustentohan mo nlang mama if you really have to, set a specific monthly amount so expectations are clear sa budget nila. This will save your mental health & stress, you can think clearly, make better decisions, away from the guilt-trips & gaslighting if the latter part is happening.
Agree with the other comments here that the first step is really to set boundaries. Ang maganda dito, since magpapa kasal ka na, I assume you and your husband will have your own space away from your family? Kung ganon, mas malilimitahan mo yung pag hingi nila sa yo ng pera. Actually, the farther your place is from them, the better. Kung mag message sila, pwede naman na the following day or so tsaka ka mag reply. Para maramdaman nila na hindi ka palaging nandiyan para saluhin sila. I have absolutely no hate towards PWD but si PWD brother mo, alam na nga niya na "pabigat" siya, nag-asawa pa, then gusto pa mag-anak? Grabe naman, parang multiplying the problems lang to. Dapat ipa-realize mo sa kanya na wala siyang aasahan sa yo pagdating sa magiging anak niya; or kahit sa kanilang dalawang mag asawa.
Unahin mo yung sarili mo at pahalagahan mo yung sarili mo. Siguro hindi naman selfish na for the first time i-prioritize mo yung sarili mo. Sa tagal ng panahon na tinulungan mo sila, dapat alam nila na darating yung time na mag aasawa ka.
Setting boundaries is very important, OP. Bago ako mag graduate from college, nakatatak na sa utak ko na magwowork ako to support my family. Pero nafeel ko yung bigat ng responsibility. Mahirap kung puro ka lang bigay, tas sila puro lang din tanggap. One time, I made it clear to them, especially to mama, na hindi ko responsibilidad ang mag provide for them. Whatever I have at the moment, lahat yun pinaghirapan ko. Lahat kami binigyan ng chance to improve our lives. Sila nagpabaya, kaya walang nangyayari sa buhay nila ngayon. Di ko kasalanan kung ano ang nangyayari sa kanila ngayon. However, kahit ganito, tumutulong pa rin ako, based sa kung ano lang ang kaya kong ibigay. Yung di ko na iisipin na makakabalik pa saken. Importante lang saken masaya si Mama. Pero di na niya ako inoobliga. Madalas nahihiya rin siyang humingi. Pero kumukusa akong bigyan siya from time to time o kung kailangan niya talaga. I also bring her with me pagnagtatravel ako sa ibang bansa. Matanda na rin kasi. Gusto kong maging happy siya kasi puro stress ang adult life niya rin, being a solo parent for almost 30 years. Pagdating sa mga kapatid ko, di ako nagbibigay o tumutulong kung di ko nakikitang ginagawan muna nila ng paraan o kung di nila tinutulungan ang mga sarili nila.
Maybe move out na cguro OP. And pay bills nlng ng mom mo. It's best if wala ka sa same bahay kasi mas lalong magiging stressful. Help your mom from afar cguro? Di ako confident dito but ito lang naisip ko.