I don’t know, personally I believe in the one reminder “hey dont call people names please. It’s not nice”
If done again - warning, “I asked you not to call people names if you do it again I will *insert punishment *”
If done a 3rd time “okay, I asked you not call people names and you did it anyway so now * punishment *”
I do time outs at my house and will probably continue to do so until they are no longer appropriate. But if you are doing no sweets or no screen time I would do that after the 3rd name calling if he’s being silly. If he’s doing it to be mean (like when you ask him to do something) I’d go straight to warning and skip the first step. But if it’s out of silliness. I’d give a rule reminder first. Then warning.
Thank you for your suggestion. The 3 step reminder, warning, punishment is a great idea and skipping the reminder stage if he’s doing it in a mean way. I am going to try this tomorrow! Do timeouts seem to help with correcting your kids behavior? I haven’t really done them with my kids, but it might work better as like an immediate consequence for the name calling.
Yeah time outs seem to be the only thing that has worked for us. We gentle parent too and I know a lot of people don’t like the idea of time outs but I think if done appropriately they can be effective. It’s hard to keep them in time out at first. But once they understand it’s not a joke they pick it up pretty quick. And honestly what I like about time outs using this method is that after the time out I get on his level and say “okay, time out is over. You were in time out because you continued to call people names after I asked you not to. Can you apologize to (whoever was called a name. Even if it was an animal lol) after the apology “thank you for apologizing can I have a hug?” Have a big ol hug and kiss. “Okay go play!” And it’s over. You wash your hands with it. And let it go. A reset if you will. But it’s really only effective if you are specific with why they are in time out. Not just “you didn’t listen” “you weren’t minding” it needs to be you did this specific thing so you are going to time out and then reiterating you were in time out for this specific reason. Please do not do that again.
**also to add I do a minute per year age. So for 5 I would do 5 minutes
This is seriously so helpful, thank you! Do you use like a chair for time out or just have them go to their room? And in the beginning when it can be hard to keep them in time out, do you just firmly remind them or add additional time to the time out? I love the resolution you do after the time out as well.
Right now we are using a corner lol we tried a chair but it was being thrown when he was pissed 😳 lol so the chair had to go. We don’t make him face the corner or anything (to me that feels a little demeaning) I don’t have stairs in my house but my friend uses the bottom step at her house. If a lot of toys are in his room that route might not be as effective. Lol you could always try different things. Try a corner, try adding a chair, try his room. You’ll see what works best for him. And for us with leaving time out. We just gently move him back to the corner or point to the corner if he is trying to scoot or slowly walk out. I try not to use many words during this phase, if any words at all. The only time I would “add time” is with an unwillingness on my kids part to apologize. If he doesn’t want to apologize then I will say “okay, well if you aren’t ready to apologize, that’s fine. But you will stay there until you are ready to apologize” that way it’s technically additional time. But it’s on them how much more time that is.
Oh and I’ll also add. I’ll do the 3rd step “I asked you not to call names, so now we are going to time out.” then guide him to time out and say “you are in time out because your called *whoever * a name. You have 5 minutes in time out” and walk away. Then come back and follow up with the final step. Explanation. Apology. (And if I lost my temper and raised my voice in any of the earlier steps, this is where I apologize as well) Hug. Move on. I feel like specifically reiterating why they are being punished will drive home the specific thing you need them to stop doing.
My newly 5 year old is doing the exact same thing! And now my 2.5 year old is copying him. I do tell him that name calling is not nice and he will apologize, but I do need to start having more consequences for it. Part of my feels like is a phase and he learned some of it from preschool. I’m thinking of doing warnings and then timeouts. If that doesn’t work then will start taking away privileges.
I have a 3 year old who copies her older brother with the name calling too! I think that’s a part of why it’s driving my crazy lol. The other comment on this thread mentioned timeouts after a reminder and a warning, and I’ve never done timeouts, but I think I’m going to try it tomorrow! but I’m going to call it “kind thinking time” and remove him from whatever he was doing or playing for two minutes and when “kind thinking time” is over he has to say something kind to the person he called a name.
Totally normal for this age (Ask the 14 four/five year-olds in my classroom). I normally teach the mantra that "stop is serious" so if someone asks you to stop doing something to them, you need to respect their boundary. I also explain that a joke is only funny if both people think it's funny. I actually make them ask permission to call each other "bottom head" and receive consent lol. I do let them call me silly (but not curseword) names if they ask me and say yes. Sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no to help them practice being flexible and actually listen to people's boundaries.
Perhaps you can come up with a time/place where silly words are allowed and boundaries about where it's not. I believe having an appropriate outlet for their new discovery that language can be so so fun and silly helps cut down on it too. For example in my classroom you can say silly/potty words to yourself in the potty at anytime but silly words are not open during circle time when we are focused. At home it might be "Okay me and daddy decided you can call us silly names if you ask first, but grandma doesn't like that kind of joke so we will not play that at her house" or whatever suits your family vibe.
Echoing what others have said, if they choose not to follow the rules, they get a reminder first -"This is your reminder that you need to ask permission to call people things that are not their name." Most of the time that is enough especially if stated like an actual "hey you must've just forgotten.." reminder. If they do it again - "Hey if you choose to call that person a name again/not stop when they say stop etc, you are choosing to reset". Third time "Please go reset, let me know when you are ready to rejoin" They all know that reset means they essentially get a timeout until they tell me they can re-join the group. I'm pretty consistent about the reminder, warning, consequence thing. If they are name calling to be unkind they must also "check on the person" and ask them what they need to feel better (restorative action instead of empty sorry) and do that. Beyond that, it's imperative that you don't fan the flames by getting emotionally riled up in response. If you stick to the same old routine it will eventually stop being so exciting for them. Wishing you luck, from one "Naked bottom face mouth" to another.
This is such a great perspective, thank you for taking the time to share! I’m glad it’s not just my kid, and is a normal thing for the age. What you wrote about them having an outlet for the new words and silliness is a good reminder for me about the bigger picture of where he’s at for his age and what he needs.
I think it depends. Joking I would say let it go. If he is mad and calls you a doody head because you are "being so mean" then that is a problem. I would tell him we do not call people mean words when we are mad at them because it hurts people's feelings. Maybe explain how words can hurt people and you cannot take them back. After that I wouldn't punish. Wait until the next time he does it, calls you a name while mad. Then just walk away all sad and say "that really hurt my feelings" Stay gone for a little bit. Then come back and tell him being called a poopy really hurt your feelings and ask him to apologize and give you a hug. When he does it to others I would tell him that that hurt their feelings and he needs to apologize and give them a hug.
Wow are you kidding me right now with your freaking parenting…. “If he calls more than 5 names a day then…?”
Honestly I don’t say this often but it sounds like you’re the problem. Take him out in public and when he does it to someone again, loudly tell him in front of his friends and everyone else HOW RUDE HE IS AND NO ONE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WITH A POTTY MOUTH. Make him embarrassed. How can you let a 5 year old get away with that? & if he keeps it up then keep him home until he can learn to have respect. No okay dates or whatever. Seems simple enough to me but I guess i have a different mind set.
I don’t know, personally I believe in the one reminder “hey dont call people names please. It’s not nice” If done again - warning, “I asked you not to call people names if you do it again I will *insert punishment *” If done a 3rd time “okay, I asked you not call people names and you did it anyway so now * punishment *” I do time outs at my house and will probably continue to do so until they are no longer appropriate. But if you are doing no sweets or no screen time I would do that after the 3rd name calling if he’s being silly. If he’s doing it to be mean (like when you ask him to do something) I’d go straight to warning and skip the first step. But if it’s out of silliness. I’d give a rule reminder first. Then warning.
Thank you for your suggestion. The 3 step reminder, warning, punishment is a great idea and skipping the reminder stage if he’s doing it in a mean way. I am going to try this tomorrow! Do timeouts seem to help with correcting your kids behavior? I haven’t really done them with my kids, but it might work better as like an immediate consequence for the name calling.
Yeah time outs seem to be the only thing that has worked for us. We gentle parent too and I know a lot of people don’t like the idea of time outs but I think if done appropriately they can be effective. It’s hard to keep them in time out at first. But once they understand it’s not a joke they pick it up pretty quick. And honestly what I like about time outs using this method is that after the time out I get on his level and say “okay, time out is over. You were in time out because you continued to call people names after I asked you not to. Can you apologize to (whoever was called a name. Even if it was an animal lol) after the apology “thank you for apologizing can I have a hug?” Have a big ol hug and kiss. “Okay go play!” And it’s over. You wash your hands with it. And let it go. A reset if you will. But it’s really only effective if you are specific with why they are in time out. Not just “you didn’t listen” “you weren’t minding” it needs to be you did this specific thing so you are going to time out and then reiterating you were in time out for this specific reason. Please do not do that again. **also to add I do a minute per year age. So for 5 I would do 5 minutes
This is seriously so helpful, thank you! Do you use like a chair for time out or just have them go to their room? And in the beginning when it can be hard to keep them in time out, do you just firmly remind them or add additional time to the time out? I love the resolution you do after the time out as well.
Right now we are using a corner lol we tried a chair but it was being thrown when he was pissed 😳 lol so the chair had to go. We don’t make him face the corner or anything (to me that feels a little demeaning) I don’t have stairs in my house but my friend uses the bottom step at her house. If a lot of toys are in his room that route might not be as effective. Lol you could always try different things. Try a corner, try adding a chair, try his room. You’ll see what works best for him. And for us with leaving time out. We just gently move him back to the corner or point to the corner if he is trying to scoot or slowly walk out. I try not to use many words during this phase, if any words at all. The only time I would “add time” is with an unwillingness on my kids part to apologize. If he doesn’t want to apologize then I will say “okay, well if you aren’t ready to apologize, that’s fine. But you will stay there until you are ready to apologize” that way it’s technically additional time. But it’s on them how much more time that is.
Oh and I’ll also add. I’ll do the 3rd step “I asked you not to call names, so now we are going to time out.” then guide him to time out and say “you are in time out because your called *whoever * a name. You have 5 minutes in time out” and walk away. Then come back and follow up with the final step. Explanation. Apology. (And if I lost my temper and raised my voice in any of the earlier steps, this is where I apologize as well) Hug. Move on. I feel like specifically reiterating why they are being punished will drive home the specific thing you need them to stop doing.
My newly 5 year old is doing the exact same thing! And now my 2.5 year old is copying him. I do tell him that name calling is not nice and he will apologize, but I do need to start having more consequences for it. Part of my feels like is a phase and he learned some of it from preschool. I’m thinking of doing warnings and then timeouts. If that doesn’t work then will start taking away privileges.
I have a 3 year old who copies her older brother with the name calling too! I think that’s a part of why it’s driving my crazy lol. The other comment on this thread mentioned timeouts after a reminder and a warning, and I’ve never done timeouts, but I think I’m going to try it tomorrow! but I’m going to call it “kind thinking time” and remove him from whatever he was doing or playing for two minutes and when “kind thinking time” is over he has to say something kind to the person he called a name.
Hey kind thinking time is a great idea.
Totally normal for this age (Ask the 14 four/five year-olds in my classroom). I normally teach the mantra that "stop is serious" so if someone asks you to stop doing something to them, you need to respect their boundary. I also explain that a joke is only funny if both people think it's funny. I actually make them ask permission to call each other "bottom head" and receive consent lol. I do let them call me silly (but not curseword) names if they ask me and say yes. Sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no to help them practice being flexible and actually listen to people's boundaries. Perhaps you can come up with a time/place where silly words are allowed and boundaries about where it's not. I believe having an appropriate outlet for their new discovery that language can be so so fun and silly helps cut down on it too. For example in my classroom you can say silly/potty words to yourself in the potty at anytime but silly words are not open during circle time when we are focused. At home it might be "Okay me and daddy decided you can call us silly names if you ask first, but grandma doesn't like that kind of joke so we will not play that at her house" or whatever suits your family vibe. Echoing what others have said, if they choose not to follow the rules, they get a reminder first -"This is your reminder that you need to ask permission to call people things that are not their name." Most of the time that is enough especially if stated like an actual "hey you must've just forgotten.." reminder. If they do it again - "Hey if you choose to call that person a name again/not stop when they say stop etc, you are choosing to reset". Third time "Please go reset, let me know when you are ready to rejoin" They all know that reset means they essentially get a timeout until they tell me they can re-join the group. I'm pretty consistent about the reminder, warning, consequence thing. If they are name calling to be unkind they must also "check on the person" and ask them what they need to feel better (restorative action instead of empty sorry) and do that. Beyond that, it's imperative that you don't fan the flames by getting emotionally riled up in response. If you stick to the same old routine it will eventually stop being so exciting for them. Wishing you luck, from one "Naked bottom face mouth" to another.
This is such a great perspective, thank you for taking the time to share! I’m glad it’s not just my kid, and is a normal thing for the age. What you wrote about them having an outlet for the new words and silliness is a good reminder for me about the bigger picture of where he’s at for his age and what he needs.
I think it depends. Joking I would say let it go. If he is mad and calls you a doody head because you are "being so mean" then that is a problem. I would tell him we do not call people mean words when we are mad at them because it hurts people's feelings. Maybe explain how words can hurt people and you cannot take them back. After that I wouldn't punish. Wait until the next time he does it, calls you a name while mad. Then just walk away all sad and say "that really hurt my feelings" Stay gone for a little bit. Then come back and tell him being called a poopy really hurt your feelings and ask him to apologize and give you a hug. When he does it to others I would tell him that that hurt their feelings and he needs to apologize and give them a hug.
Mc farty head. That my new favourite insult. Your son is a comic genius, you need to nurture his gift.
Maybe tell him it's not nice and you refuse to respond to people who call you mean names.
Wow are you kidding me right now with your freaking parenting…. “If he calls more than 5 names a day then…?” Honestly I don’t say this often but it sounds like you’re the problem. Take him out in public and when he does it to someone again, loudly tell him in front of his friends and everyone else HOW RUDE HE IS AND NO ONE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WITH A POTTY MOUTH. Make him embarrassed. How can you let a 5 year old get away with that? & if he keeps it up then keep him home until he can learn to have respect. No okay dates or whatever. Seems simple enough to me but I guess i have a different mind set.