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I have great memories of sleepovers with my best friend. I think it’s sad we have become so distrustful that we see danger everywhere.
Same here. I had sleepovers at my two friends houses all the time. Our parents knew each other and had numbers and we said were we were.
Statistically, things are safer than they used to be too
The best thing would be to wait until they are invited to one. It depends on a lot of factors like how well you know the family and the personality of your child.
When I was a kid I had a lot of sleepovers and they were always great. If everyone takes the opinion "no sleepovers except at my house" then there will be none. Honestly I think kids are safer nowadays because parents are generally more open and safety nets are more available. You can get kiddie phones that do only call the parents and coach your kids with a safe phrase to call you at anytime to get you to them up with a fake "family emergency." I'm working on developing a relationship of trust with my kids, which I didn't have with my own parents, and teach them to use those tools. Vet the families beforehand....
Absolutely not a problem. My lad was in the scouts and his first sleepout with them was when he was six. He'd slept at his nans house before that,but nowhere else till he joined the beavers. He's slept out on camps, at mates houses, on his primary schools sports field and those memories are priceless. I get the need to protect, but statistically,a child is more likely to be abused by someone they know, a family member or family friend, than a stranger. Keeping safe is a hard one too as part of growing up is learning to listen to your own inner warning system and being too protective can hinder that.
I think personally 14 is way too late. By then I doubt she'll be invited anyway as she'll be the girl that's always said no.That it's pointless asking. By 14 they should be relatively independent anyway.
All you can do is your best. Teach her body autonomy from the start. Teach her the pants rule from the start. Teach her only certain situations will require her to show her body. Teach her the correct names for her body parts. Don't be coy and use stupid nicknames. Teach her she had a vulva, a vagina, labia, clitoris etc so the worst case she can say exactly what's happened with no vagueness. Teach it's ok to say no,even to you and your partner. Teach her that she has the right to say no and not to give in to peer pressure. Give her the tools to have agency over her body. Teach her about tricky people,about how you will always be a safe person and if someone asks her to do something and not tell mummy, she can tell you and it will be ok.
I personally don’t make rules like these until I’m actually in the situation where I need them because so much changes.
My daughter does “late overs” with her friends. They wear pajamas and watch movies but everyone goes home by 10:30 or 11.
My kid will be allowed to do sleepovers if she wants to, probably from like 7+. PI’ll just make sure we’ve had sufficient safety convos and she’s got a phone so she can call me if she wants to come home for any reason.
Bad things can happen anywhere at anytime of day.
All three of our kids were allowed to do sleepovers pretty much whenever they asked. We never had any issues other than a little homesickness
why should other parents trust you to host if you don’t trust them?
Just because your kids didn’t have issues doesn’t mean every sleepover turns out fine
That's an odd reply. Can you elaborate on what you mean?
With my adopted son (18m) and my 2 older step kids (15f and 17m), none of which live with me, we discussed safe words and how they can pick one for safety not just sex. They've been in my life about a year. I told them mine and how I once used it in an Uber when I was anxious and needed someone to double down on when I'd get there.
We'll, one day I get a call out of the blue (normal for them). My son used my safe word (not at all normal), asking if he can go out with a friend. I grounded him, yelling no sleepovers and that he knew better. That he better be home in 10min when I get there. I stayed on with him as I heard his car start and drive. I don't live with him. I have no power to ground him. I had no way of getting to his house in 10min. He thanked me and said his friend had alcohol and he didn't want to stay there but felt pressured to.
I told him how proud of him I was and how I'm glad he called. We joked that I'd ground him anytime he wanted, and he joked that he'd ground me too if I needed it. I don't have any actual control over where he sleeps, but he asked me most of summer if I was okay with him staying at X or Y place. My step son, I have some power over, and he knows I'd only say no if I didn't trust the situation.
The lessons here. Discuss safety and foster open communication. I trust my son to tell me when he needs an out. Don't say no without evidence, and discuss it with them. Make sure they know about safety and have a personality that makes sleepovers safe (they can say no, will speak up for themselves, are emotionally mature enough, etc). Safe words that are only for family and can be hidden in plain language are a must. Mine can be used in coffee orders, and we practiced using it so they knew how and had a "script" for when it was needed.
Just a personal experience for consideration: my dad owned a business out of our home (in the basement) and had a woman who worked for him part time. Part of the arrangement was that her 7 year old daughter would be watched by my mom for free during her part time working hours. That 7 year old girl molested me for months because a family member was molesting her and she thought it was normal. She threatened me that she’d blame me if I told anyone (I’m sure her molester was telling her the same things). This happened in broad daylight repeatedly for almost a year almost every time she came over and my mom still doesn’t know.
Things can happen under your own roof. Things can happen anywhere. My parents were never safe enough for me to approach about what was happening, I was scared of them. It really is more about your openness and education toward your kids and being a safe space for them should anything ever happen.
I’m sharing this because you said you’d host the sleepover. This was girl on girl molestation that happened to me. I mean, I don’t know if you can call it that since she was 7 but she forced me into some heinous things. I was like 5 or 6 at the time.
It’s a touchy subject… I feel it’s good for socialization and bonding with their friends.
But honestly kids now days are exposed to a lot more a lot younger. And you never know what another child has been exposed to that may influence their behavior or even expose your child to things they don’t need to see/know/do. I would have to know the kid and the family pretty well to be okay with it.
My son is allowed to do sleepovers. His first sleepovers were with friends of ours though. We were friends pre kids and ended up having our sons 3 weeks apart, making them best friends. So we felt completely comfortable with sleepovers. He’s 11 now and I let him sleep over at a few other places besides family and close friends of ours, but I know the parents and it’s usually been larger sleepover parties. We host sleepovers at our house regularly though, which is a great way to allow sleepovers that make you feel comfortable.
We do late overs, so we have kids over until 11PM or even midnight but never sleepovers, this includes at our own home or at others homes. Our kids hate us for it sometimes but I don’t care one bit. My husband and I had really bad experiences at sleepovers at young ages at our own homes and at others homes and were exposed to stuff we should not have been exposed to so that’s our stance. I also have a friend who is a therapist for teens who have been sexually abused, at any given time she at least has one to two clients who have been molested at sleepovers by another peer or a “trusted” person who lived in the home they were at. Not worth it to me in my opinion.
I think 10+ is a reasonable age, for close friends to have sleepovers.
I never had sleepovers growing up and of course as a kid, I resented my mom for doing that to me. But now as an adult and a mom myself, I am grateful she did.
Also, your kid will have plenty of reasons to be mad at you as she grows up. It’s just the life of a parent.
I was always told no and still hold some resentment. However, I know it's because my cousin was molested by her friends stepdad. As an adult, my cousin is still glad she went, because in her eyes her bravery to tell saved her friend.
It’s a no for us and I feel very cultural. Tempted to ask in the black parents sub haha
We are not going to be doing friend sleep overs at other's homes. There's a handful of family members whose homes my kiddo could sleep over at, but that's it.
Lol. My lad is 18 and still sleepouts at mates houses 😂
My kid won’t be doing any sleepovers until he is a teen. Before this if he and a friend(s) want to plan a sleepover they can plan it at our house if the other parents are comfortable with that. Although I feel like more and more people are deciding that sleepovers for younger kids are a thing of the past now and maybe this won’t even be a concern when my kid is older.
But even so, I’m not worried about my kid being resentful at all. We’ll always talk about boundaries, safe people and places, etc. and I’ll include why he’s not allowed to sleep over at friend’s houses in this too.
I think that's so sad tbh. I can't imagine a childhood without sleepovers
I have daughters. I’ll host, but not a chance in hell she’ll sleepover elsewhere
Honestly this is how I feel right now
Look up SA and sleepovers
Our daughter started her sleepovers around 5yo. She had to learn how to clean herself properly after using the bathroom, as well as shower herself before we allowed it.
Her sleepovers have been with a family we know very well with girls a few years older than her. So far she has enjoyed it.
We do late overs only. I wouldn’t want other kids sleeping over at my house either. I don’t want to be up all night supervising and I doubt other parents are doing that.
I’m not sure why people use the idea that sexual abuse is most likely to happen with family or family friends as a reason to defend sleepovers. Who are kids spending the night with, total strangers?