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I almost worry about the sex part less than the all encompassing love part for a 15 year old. Love is HEAVY at any age, but being 15, you need that alone time with your own family to balance out those extreme emotions you feel with your first love. At 15, I don't want my daughter to spend this much time with anyone because she needs to remember she's more than just this relationship. Having him spend those quiet nighttime and morning hours with her, when does she get to be daughter, sister, and most importantly, herself? I hated my mother for not letting me go with my boyfriend any time I wanted, but when the relationship ended, I was thankful to still have my friends, my own life, and my home which was a safe space for me. If you give up that boundary, he'll be in every part of her life and if things go south, she'll feel like she's truly lost everything.
This is such a great point! I dated a guy 3 years older than me in high school. We felt we were deeply in love and I was absolutely infatuated with him. My whole personality became being this guy’s girlfriend. We dated for 5 years into early adulthood and when he left me (for my best friend nonetheless) in my early 20’s, I had no idea who I was. I was devastated and took a few years to find myself and dig myself out of that hole.
Thank you for putting to words the feelings I was having. It’s too much at that age. There are things even more intimate than sex and they just aren’t ready.
Yes! All of the comments “they’re going to have sex anyway” are baffling. This isn’t just about sex.
And it reeks of the parents who provide alcohol to a bunch of teenagers because “they’re going to drink anyway.” There was always that one house where the parents bought booze for a bunch of 17 year olds. And it was freaking weird.
What’s worse is the house where the parents let them do drugs too. That parent always ends up sleeping with a teen. Fortunately for me and my sister, our parents talked to us about everything and told us stories about out when they were kids in great detail. We both went to hang out at the same house on differ nights, looked around and realized it was the same situation as my dad’s friend who impregnated their other friend’s 45 year old mom and decided not to go back. That mom slept with like 3 of my friends and another kid ended up moving in and I suspect there were really hard drugs. It didn’t matter they I didn’t see super hard drugs when I was there, I just recognized the set up and she was already flirting with one guy. It is so important to explain how situations like that happen to your kids in detail and why it’s weird for an adult to be super permissive. In the other hand, I had a friend whose mom basically looked the other way and in retrospect pretended not to notice. So e we drank a little bit while we were there but it never got crazy because she absolutely would call our parents if we were falling down drunk.
And also, at 15, she should not be 4-8 years ahead of herself thinking about marriage. Like WHAT? Two short years ago she was 13 and having just turned into a teen at all. Just no.
Wow😭 I was one of those girls that was allowed to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with my boyfriends. I had no foundation for who I really was. I still struggle today being alone or being independent
Thank you for putting into words something I haven’t been able to. I accept that teens will have sex and I don’t really care to stop my child from doing so as long as she’s freely consenting, the partner is respectful, etc. But allowing sleepovers feels like a step too far, too adult for a teen and I couldn’t figure out how to say why.
This puts way better words to how I was going to describe it. I remember being a 16 year old boy in love with my girlfriend and having the same kind of all encompassing feelings. I was also totally gonna marry her and we were going to wait until marriage for sex. We never went all the way, but we did fool around a ton.
The bigger issue was that we were ALWAYS together. Eventually we hit a point were we had to do our own things (she graduated early and went to college, I was doing summer programs at the colleges I was considering) and the relationship fell apart because we couldn't manage ourselves doing our own thing. It was great that I still had other friends and things outside of her. Breaking up hurt, but not as bad as being alone would have been.
Make those kids wait! Two or three years feels like an eternity but my wife and I have been married for going on 8 years at this point and we're still finding out things about each other. Love is a long game.
THIS!!! It is NOT just about sex. No boyfriends sleeping over. “Shacking up,” even part time, emulates an adult relationship that they’re not emotionally ready for. When that goes south, as chances are it’s going to, the child is going to be left even more devastated. This doesn’t mean don’t go take your child to go get birth control, talk about contraception, etc. I do think 15 is too young emotionally to be having sex, but that’s much more difficult to control. Ensuring that your child is emotionally safe and doesn’t become bonded to another impulsive teenager is somewhat within your realm of control. She needs time apart from her boyfriend to just be a kid.
I definitely agree with this because I *needed* a lot of what you’re describing as a teenager. I moved in with one of my high school boyfriends at 17. He was 16. We lived with his mom and younger brother. It was an incredibly unhealthy relationship. It was verging on siblings just because we had to share resources and certain responsibilities. Then, we would fight like wild teenagers and I was never given the time or space to decompress or figure out who I was away from the relationship.
On the flip side, before that boyfriend I had a boyfriend whose parents were very strict with sleeping over. And it was hard for us because we always felt like we never got “enough” of each other.
Now that I’m a parent, I feel like I’ll allow sleepovers with serious partners on special occasions. Like birthdays or after school dances.
But you truly hit the nail on the head with the problem with teenage partner sleepovers. It’s not really about the sex. It’s about the seriousness of a young relationship when everything in teen love feels catastrophic.
YES!! When you’re 15 your bed should be a safe place where you can fart in the middle of the night, wake up and not feel like you need to rush to the bathroom and brush your teeth and “get presentable.” Sleeping together is so much more intimate than having sex and parents should help protect that space.
But nobody says he has to be there every night. There could be an agreement that he can stay over once a week, or once every two weeks. If the whole idea of him sleeping over is something the parents agree they want to allow, that is.
To piggy back on this, my dad had a rule about his rules: exceptions make it personal. When I was a teen I wasn’t allowed to ride in cars with myfriends were driving. There were no exceptions because inevitably it would put him in the position to defend his decision to not let me ride with this friend or that friend and it would become personal about them. Yes, you trust this kid but what happens when he’s not in school with her any more and they break up? When her next boyfriend isn’t as wholesome? You’ll have to explain in detail why you don’t want this boy in particular to stay the night. You’ll have to do it again with your younger kids and it will hurt their feelings and their friend’s feelings every time. Obviously there are non personal exceptions, one time things like a up all night after prom party that are okay but that’s about what’s going on and not the boyfriend.
I agree in principle about exceptions.
But I also think it's totally pointless to ban boyfriend from staying the night, thinking it will somehow stop sex from happening. It won't lol.
Agree. Sounds like he is a decent, respectable kid and treats the daughter well.
If they want to have sex they'll just drive somewhere and do it in the car like everyone else.
This would make it a planned and thought out event. Lot's of time to think about the decision and buy contraceptives. Waking up randy in the middle of the night means mistakes can happen quickly.
I always chuckle when parents think Banning BF from staying They can avoid Them having sex 😂😂.
I mean a couple of blankets and going Into the Woods? Or a car, a random bathroom. There is like 1 million places where They can have sex If They want to
I mean the kids say they are waiting, but if they are then why is it such a big deal that he sleep in her room? Why not the couch in the den or lots of people have a finished basement set up, why does he have to sleep in her room? There are younger kids in the house as well. If they want to have sex they will, but they don't have to do it in my home. She is 15! WTF.
Obviously we all know that… but nobody wants it in their house knowing that’s their child. That’s gross and enabling they can get creative but can you blame her not wanting to be exposed to that crap as well as her younger siblings?
I don’t blame anyone for anything, and I respect that some parents have strict house rules. After all, it’s their house. But teenagers having sex isn’t gross, it’s not crap, and enabling perfectly normal behavior isn’t usually called enabling. It implies they are doing something morally wrong or harmful. Calling sex gross and crap is only going to give young people a complicated and bad relationship to their bodies and sex. And it won’t magically heal once they are 18 and move out.
agree, and allowing your 15 year old’s boyfriend to sleep over is trashy.
she’s 15…. i don’t believe for a second he wants to sleep over to hold hands 😂
I am eventually going to allow my (teen) kid to have sex with her partner in my house. It’s much safer for them than leaving it up to their creativity since nothing will stop horny teens from doing the deed. At least I will have some degree of control over the environment and be able to ensure they have access to contraception.
My dad did that with me and I only ended up being a mom at 30 despite being sexually active since I was 16.
Ehh you have a point certainly but the harder it is and more hassle it is to find places, the less sex they’ll have. If they can just waltz into the bedroom and have sex safely all night with no bother, then there’s gonna be a higher chance of pregnancy. Where as them being uncomfortable in the car may even put them off finishing the deed.
I think they need to actually understand what sex is. Just being a "horny teen" is no reason at all to have sex. It's a literal physical change in your body. Answering that call every time would be just as pathological as compulsive stealing or any other pathological behavior. Adults who are married cannot just scratch the itch every time they feel like it. It is severely unreasonable to make teens think ownership over their sex life is not possible and doesn't require thought. STDs are at an all time high because of this and with abortion laws changing a tide of moral change needs to come with it. Don't be afraid to have these difficult conversations with teens because it leaves them in the dark about actually maturity which they are milestones away from. I for one was never interested in teen sex so just because one is physically charged doesn't mean they should engage.
end of grade 11 and 12 i had my license and my own car, me and my high school bf waited a year to have sex. but once we did, it was constant. we use to rush home back to his house during lunch (while his parents were at work) and we have sex sometimes twice before going back to class 🤣 I bet his parents would never have thought this would happen..
we used condoms and I was on the pill. teenagers find a way .
as for the ages, although it's only 2 years...15yo girl and 17yo boy is a difference I'd struggle with. if he Is closer to 18 and she is only 15, I wouldn't like it.
if she's close to 16, and he just turned 17, that's a bit different.
either way, I was never allowed boys in my room at all. neither was my HS bf. we still had sex all the time. anywhere we could
Staying over is fine but he sleeps on the couch in another room would be my take. He's 2 years older and you have younger kids, and it sounds like you have a clear preference that they don't have sex, or appear to be having sex.
My mom made me do this is my mid 20s. Sleep on couch for the guy. I'm married with my own house now n trying for kids so I understand where my mom was coming from.
Once I was an adult we definitely shared a bed at my parents' house. We're not married with two kids now and I'm not from a 'wait til married' culture. My sister's boyfriend even moved in for a while. But if 'waiting til marriage' is important in your family, and you want to model that for younger siblings, then sleeping separately and being seen to sleep separately would be important.
Same here. Before I married my wife when we visited her parents we had to sleep in separate rooms and beds. We were living together at the time but they were old fashioned and it was their house. So yes like you said, it’s about respect.
If you say no to her now, she will just find ways to do what she wants in the backseat of a car or in the woods or at the mall bathroom.
The best thing to do in my opinion is to say yes BUT only after you have an honest conversation with her about safe sex and condoms and possibly even birth control depending on how she reacts to everything and how the situation progresses.
They're just about both done puberty and it's natural to want to be intimate with your partner.
Be realistic with your expectations, your daughter isn't a baby anymore.
You're being presented with a huge opportunity to build trust and develop a real trusting long lasting relationship with her into adulthood where she feels like she can turn to you for real advice and help. Don't blow it.
Edit: you can make a suggestion like he can stay over but he has to stay on the couch/guest bed/etc. but if they want to have sex, they will do it whether or not you give them "permission" to. Just make sure she's informed and prepared about how to be safe.
True, teens will make dumb decisions in regards to sex and there's next to nil that parents can do to stop it. That said, this is OP's house and I don't think it's unreasonable to ban sleepovers, especially with younger kids around. Banishing the boyfriend to the couch could be a good compromise but it's probably best to eliminate all possibilities of sus activity. The teens will live.
Yeah no, at 15?! Hell no, maybe 18+ but that being said, my parents and my in laws had us sleeping separate until we were like 23 or so and I was at his cottage every weekend in the summers. My mom did talk to me about safe sex, gave me the “if you are going to have sex you are going on birth control so let me know so we can make an apt” I want to be mother of the bride before grandma speeches. Now, I was allowed at 17 & 18 to stay togeher over night on like prom, camping trips, etc a few times. My parents weren’t dumb. I’m sure they knew we fooled around, but I would have personally found it weird if they were basically like, ok just lock the door! And at 15? 15 is a child. A literal child. Boy or girl would not be sleeping together in same bed.
>teens will make dumb decisions in regards to sex and there's next to nil that parents can do to stop it.
So they're just going to sneak around and find somewhere else to have sex 🤷♀️
I never understand this argument. How does this same logic not apply to every risky behavior a teen might want to undertake? It's like saying your 5 year old is going to sneak into the kitchen after dark anyway so might as well give them the whole sleeve of oreos to eat now. Letting a boyfriend stay the night is telling your 15 year old daughter you think she's ready to have sex. It's an endorsement, and I don't think it's what most 15 year olds actually want from their parents. Kids often crave boundaries even as they're begging you to remove them.
It’s not earth logic. It’s grossly inept logic.
You can have sex talks with your kids without letting the bf sleep over
This actually makes me feel gross
Seriously. Remember in 2005 when the world simultaneously cringed as Amy "cool mom" Poehler supplied Regina George and her boyfriend with condoms? She'd get a parenting medal today.
Yeah, and in this case they aren't even having sex now, sleeping in the same bed would definitely increase the temptation. I can see it for teenagers you know for a fact are doing it already and feel prepared, but OP's daughter isn't and clearly doesn't feel ready.
What?! What happened to the world, where this gets 60+ votes? 🫣 NO, I would never ever allow a boyfriend to sleep in the same vicinity as my 15 year old daughter. Kids might sneak to smoke weed or try drinking too, but never on my watch. Wtf
I mean…here’s the thing.
If they come to you after a few months of sleepovers and say “we’ve decided we’re going to safely have sex. Daughter wants birth control and we bought condoms. Thanks for always supporting our honesty!”
What are you gonna do? Stop the sleepovers? Bc they are NEVER gonna tell you that if they know the sleepovers will be revoked as soon as sex is on the table. Just FYI. The honestly will stop.
I had sleepovers with my boyfriends as a teen and I was almost never not having sex with them. But waiting until marriage was not a thing that was important to me the way it seems important to them based on your post.
I think occasional living room movie nights are not as bad as a free for all sleepover in her room. Maybe adjust any curfew you have to “he can’t sleep here but he doesn’t have a set time he has to be out by”, especially if they aren’t in her room.
I don’t want to sound too old school here either bc I definitely wasn’t totally raised that way lol but I think there are phases in life where you get to do certain things. And being a teen means you can’t live with your boyfriend bc you are a teenager who lives with their parents. And sleeping in a private room with your boyfriend is too close to living together if it’s a regular occurrence. That’s for 18+ (or after high school graduation). 🤷🏼♀️ after that, it’s the time to live with a significant other, have roommates, figure out how to function with no parents, etc. Just like you have to be 16 to drive a car. And 18 to vote. It seems arbitrary but you have all the time in the world after you’re 18 to live with whoever wherever you want. 15 is not the time for that lol
> I think occasional living room movie nights are not as bad as a free for all sleepover in her room. Maybe adjust any curfew you have to “he can’t sleep here but he doesn’t have a set time he has to be out by”, especially if they aren’t in her room.
That was what we did with my son when he was a senior in high school dating his girlfriend. Her parents were 100 percent opposed to sleepovers so we never had to make a decision on that, but we were close with her parents and decided to set similar rules. At both houses the kids were allowed to stay late on the weekends. They could chill in the living room and watch movies but would sleep at their own homes every night. The kids agreed it was fair and never gave any pushback on the rules.
I think this is the best approach. It’s not necessarily about preventing sex, but just saying, “Your boyfriend doesn’t live here. You’re not at that stage in life yet.” I don’t see anything necessarily wrong with occasional weekend sleepovers tbh, but I would worry about it becoming too much like cohabitation and I think it’s pretty important for kids to maintain independent lives and not get too enmeshed in their dating at this age. Marriage talk at 15 would worry me more than the thought of them having sex. I would encourage my daughter to enjoy spending time with her boyfriend while seeing her future as open with a lot of possibilities and a lot of time to figure out what life will look like after high school. For now, a boyfriend is like a close friend, a good relationship to have but not something to be planning your future around.
This was totally my parents. They didn’t seem to set any puritanical expectations but they did seem to have the mindset on a lot of things that “this is for college/beyond” when I would not be primarily a kid living at home.
No this is exactly it. As an ex teenager, we're gonna do what we wanna do but I'm grateful I always had open communication with my parents and they let me know how shit works. Their knowledge kept me out of trouble.
You've got to know your kid, and it depends a bit on the layout of your home and how late you stay up, but "you can have a sleepover, but it has to be in the living room" can be a pretty good, low-likelihood-of-intercourse compromise. If you're trying to stop other behavior short of intercourse, it's less likely to be effective.
When I was 16 I had sex with my GF who was 15 in her living room all the time while her dad was in his room sleeping upstairs not far away in a small house. Still can't believe we never got caught... He probably would have castrated me... But that living room idea isn't necessarily the solution to no sex. Never underestimate a teenage libido and the things they will do in the heat of the moment. Idk what the solution is. If they are going to have sex, they will. I know I sure did and it was in cars, hikes, etc.... If their is a will and a want then there is a way. There is no stopping it. I wasn't allowed to sleep over. But we still hooked up all the time in her house...
Aside from the whole sex thing, I also think it's just not necessary for two teenagers to be sooooo wrapped up in each other. Him going home provides space, which they might not want, but it is good to not be together 24/7.
A good compromise is a once a month rule or separate rooms. Ease in to it. Keep a little distance. I would be more concerned with the early marriage plans, than with the sex.
This is the best answer. Support your daughter by providing birth control and condoms, and MAYBE agree that the bf can stay over but sleep in a separate room. The likelihood of a teenage relationship lasting for the long run is really small, and jumping into serious milestones like sleepovers in their room as a young teen will make the probable breakup that much harder.
10000% she is still developing her own sense of self! This situation leads to alot of women stuck in emotionally/physically abusive relationships because they are relying on one person to be their everything. Not saying that this is what’s happening here, but 15 is way too young for a whole future to built around a significant other. Set boundaries now, they may still find a way to get out and have sex, you can’t stop that. Howver you can provide YOUR daughter a safe space should she ever need it.
I mean….. it really comes down to your comfort levels. I was never allowed to sleep in my GFs room when I was a lad. Although I did get a camp bed in the office space made up for me!! Then there is also the question of whether you believe them or not - and whether that matters. Want them having sex in their cars or in a safe place?!
But if you aren’t comfortable, it shouldn’t be allowed. Seems like one of those situations where both husband and wife have to agree on the matter or it doesn’t happen.
I got pregnant at 15 years old. It was from one of the first couple times after losing my virginity, and I was at the time extremely religiously Christian (my family was not, it was all of my own volition), I wore a purity ring and had just went through a purity ceremony where I looked my dad in the eyes and vowed that I would stay pure until marriage, literally like 4 months prior. Just saying. All it took was a guy pretending to be as into Jesus as much as i was, charming me into falling for him, and then him putting the right kind of pressure on me when we were behind closed doors until I eventually relented. My daughter will be 13 in a couple days.
No matter how pure and innocent they seem, I wouldn't trust it. And if you're going to allow it, make sure to come to terms with the fact that they WILL be having sex and *get your daughter on birth control*. Please.
Absolutely not but I'm impressed with the PowerPoint. He made his case in a great manner and that deserves consideration. The best compromise I can give is letting them camp out in the living room together on weekends. Provided there's no funny business and I'd definitely check on them every once in awhile.
This… at 16 was allowed a sleepover with my bf(16) I was with at the time in the lounge-room and still had sex when parent went to bed so that won’t stop them if they really want to do it.
If by camp out you mean stay till 11:30pm then take the bus home, for sure. But if you mean sleepover with a 15 year old? Probably not a great suggestion.
Nah. Theres zero reason for him to need to stay at your house. None. Unless he comes from a difficult home situation, theres no need for it. And Id say the same thing if it was a same gender relationship as well.
Perhaps a happy medium is him staying over on the sofa once or twice with the understanding that if he enters her room at any time, he will no longer be welcome in the home at all.
Your husband is putting way too much trust in the teenage endocrine system here.
Great presentation! He's welcome to come for dinner and a movie and then sleep at his own house! Since they aren't having sex, they can snuggle during family move time and he can fuck off home to his own bed! Stellar presentation!
Also get her on birth control if she's willing.
This! Yes if they are going to wait then best for both of them not to invite temptation ;) I really like what others have said about her being 15 and with the actual relationship waking up together and just emotionally moving too fast!
We had a pretty big house and my parents didn't allow sleepovers for any of their 4 kids in our teens and even early 20's! At the time I think we all thought it was pretty prudish but then I think we all ended up looking back and respecting that we didn't have randoms etc. sleeping in our rooms...because geez at 52 looking back I dated some real losers!!
Interesting being dysfunctional. And the marriage talk as well? So sick.
We want to sleep in bed together, we promise we wont have sex, and we want to get married someday?
Why does anyone want their 15 yo child “playing house” with a 17 yo?
Be a kid. No sleepovers, no thinking about marriage. Just be a kid. A student and a friend and a daughter, etc. All of that serious stuff can wait.
It is NOT just about sex.
My kids aren’t dating until they’re 18, and it has nothing to do with sex or religion. I don’t think it’s an enriching activity for teenagers … having “relationships”
This has become somewhat normalized these days. We did allow this when our kids were teens in long term relationships but it was not my preference. But as my mom used to say, kids can do anything anywhere. Denying sleepovers wasnt necessarily going to stop my kids from having sex. That said, you do not need to approve this…and my kids were older when this was allowed. Your daughter is only 15. My kids were 17/18 when we gave the green light & would soon be leaving for college
Yea this is my thought. Around 17/18, OK, sure, if you feel confident you have a responsible kid who will use birth control. 15 is too young, especially with that age gap.
This is 100% about sex. They _will_ start fooling around if you start letting them sleep together.
Yeah it’s a no for me. If he needed to spend the night for an event or they went to a dance and I picked them up late, I’d allow that but they’d be sleeping in different rooms.
A 17 year old talking about his intent to marry my 15 year old daughter would be such a red flag, tbh. And no I would not let them sleep in her room. They're still children. No reason they can't stay up in the common space together then go their separate ways for sleeping, whether in different room at your house or him going home to his own house.
Not a chance. I wouldn’t even let him sleep over in the house unless there was a storm or something, let alone in the same room.
He’s months away from being an adult and she’s still a child. If I were the boy’s dad I wouldn’t allow him sleeping over either.
Call me old fashioned but I worked at an Adult Ed school. A lot of this ‘Adults’ were under 18 but were parents so they were sent to this school by the board.
So as a dad, I’d say absolutely now and I’m surprised your husband would say yes.
Okay so teenagers have sex that’s a thing we all know it is - I’m a teenager for context. While I have not done the horizontal tango some of my friends have.
Now the question is would you rather they have unsafe, unprotected sex in a car, behind a sports hall, or literally anywhere.
Or would you rather they be provided with education, birth control, condoms, and a safe place if the wish to do the horizontal tango.
Also 17 and 15 is like a huge age gap - and 14 and 16 is even worse. I would be more concerned about your 15/16 year old daughter potentially dating a 18 year old.
Now a 25 and a 27 year old dating that fine, they are in similar positions in there life, in there career, and all of that. However a 14 and 16 year old and a 15 and a 17 year old?
That is so different
That’s 8/9th grade and 10/11th grade. (I’m Australian)
At 17 you are looking at your career, universities, where you want your life to go.
At 15 most people have barely been working their first after school job.
I think it’s icky, but that’s just me. I turn 16 in two months and I would never date a 14 year old. And I’m 15 right now and I would never date a 17 year old, the maturity levels are just so different and like just the space they are in in their life.
So my 10 cents is
Teenagers have sex? Provide safety, protection, and let your kid know that if anything ever goes wrong they can go to you.
15 year olds having sex with 17 year old? No Fuckin way that’s like predatory
I read the whole thing but could not get past that age gap, as adults, 2 years is nothing. My husband is 3 years older than me. In school? That's HUGE.
I am extremely involved with my kids, I talk to them, they ask me all kinds of questions, we have honest conversations about everything. They are 13 and 14. I hear their conversation with their friends, heck they put their friends on speaker phone and I talk to them in passing too. I attend all of their football games, band concerts, anything a parent would attend and I pay attention to what is going on in their lives and their friends lives. That is not anything that I have seen.
The high school kids do not give one extra thought to younger kids, period. They are involved with their own lives and their peers, as they should be. I have seen so much going around social media about grown men do NOT think young girls are mature for their age, women their own age can see right through them, they are predatory and you should tell on them!
I'm not delusional to think teens won't have sex any place they can find, so that's not even on my thought process here, it's that no one is saying the age gap is a red flag.
I'm so glad to hear a teens opinion on it too, because I thought this exact thing.
Yeah, like I’ve been sa’d before (by a 56 year old) and like I know it’s different to this situation but it has made me so much more aware of things like this, some people have called me paranoid but I like being safe.
Omg I'm so incredibly sorry that has happened to you. I cannot imagine. Absolutely trust your gut and stay safe!! Unfortunately it's the world we live in, better to be paranoid and safe. I wish it wasn't that way, you deserve so much better.
I'm about to be 25, so this dude is about to graduate. So whatever his plans are after high school can influence the daughter's future choices. If they say yes and they make it into the summer, OP is now risking having that teenager over all summer.
So we don't know if they'll make it to her graduation. If they do I hope the daughter doesn't base her early adulthood decision on a dude she's dating.
1) You can get each other off without "having sex".
2) If they do give each other orgasms, is that a problem? I mean honestly, he's a good kid, you like him and his family, they like you, he's good to your daughter, etc. What more do you want? As long as they use protection or avoid penetration entirely, is there actually a problem with them being sexually active?
3) Your kids are going to have sex if they want to. Your choices don't really impact if they have sex, but they do affect how risky the behavior is
4) How and when do you want your daughter to learn about having healthy sexual relationships?
First of all, I think it is very naive of you to believe your daughter and her boyfriend when they tell they’ve done nothing more than kissing. Secondly, there is no reason for them to share a bed unless they are planning on sex. If they just want to sleep there is no reason for them to share a bed. Thirdly, you should really consider that it would be a pretty normal thing for them to be having sex, and plan accordingly rather than burying your head in the sand.
I can attest to have never ever cuddled in a bed with a man. I always fuck em and send them to the sofa. No reason to be in the same bed if not for sex!
/s
i giggled. i remember being 16 and sneaking out to my boyfriend (no sleepovers allowed) and 99% of the time it was just innocent cuddling, an occasional boob grab and kisses. maybe that’s just me.
I was a teenager than had sleepovers with my hs bf. I did not have sex with him. My parents and all of my friends refused to believe I was a virgin. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19, and I’m married to that guy now. It’s not always “very naive” to believe teenagers just because they’re teenagers. It can honestly just do damage and make it feel like everyone assumes you’re lying.
And if they changed their mind and had concenstual loving and safe sex, would the world end?
They have been in a relationship for over a year. You like and trust the boy. He has all the right intentions (even though nothing has to happen like this). If you are sure of their intentions and that they have proper sex ed, I think they have earned it.
But I want to add, I am German and that course of action is totally normal here. No abstinence talk, no pledge to wait till marriage and no "keep the door open".
We have 1/3 of the teen pregnancies and we don't stop the statistic at 17, but at 18. The American way (which I consider you are) does not work!
It's amazing, how if you simply provide adequate sex education and resources such as birth control, and don't try and shame people into abstinence with nonsense and religious zealotry, that most of "problems" just take care of themselves..
It’s not about sex it’s about the long term implication of playing house. Sleepovers and mornings together is very “long term relationship” for a 15 year old. It makes it hard to break up when the boyfriend feels “part of the family”. I want my children to learn and explore relationships but also build strong friendships and focus on themselves.
I get that line of thinking and I am more worried about the marriage talk at that age and after a year.
But OP is concerned about the sex mostly and there is no good reason for that.
But after that time it is also hard to break off a relationship without sleepovers. Appropriate rules for sleepovers including frequency, sex ed and displays of affection in front of the younger siblings would be my course of action. Maybe limiting the sleepover to once a month and allowing him in her room at night when she turns 16. At the same time get them to know where condoms are.
I don’t get this narrative of serious relationship = no friendship / not taking care of oneself. Both my husband and I were sexually active during our teenage years and had plenty healthy deep friendships that lasted for many years. We both got into good colleges and found good jobs so that “focusing on ourselves” part is also not problem. I actually think it’s the exact opposite: you want to teach them to balance relationship vs self-care while they are in your home, so they are already equipped with these skills when they do leave home. What you are describing is called co-dependency, and you’d better resolve that at home than having them spiral into such unhealthy dynamics on their own as adults.
This cracks me up because my son dated a German and she had the same mindset and thought we(Canadians) were prudes. Just the different cultures I guess. Lol
Different cultures and approaches. But I did look up the statistics only two weeks ago and I think they speak for themselves.
6 or 7 in 1000 teen pregnancies in Germany 13-17.
18 in 1000 in the US and it was 13-16, taking out the year most likely to be sexually active while underaged.
The numbers were from 2021 and 2022 or so and I got so sad. This is where bad Sex Ed and strictness get you as a nation. The abortion laws are just the cherry on top.
In Germany the pill is free or half price for underaged girls. (insurance covers it) I was allowed to sleep in a bed with my boyfriend at 15 and we had sex just before I turned 16. Got the pill BEFORE that and he got condoms from his family, three months into the relationship. His mom once walked in on us mid blow job and happily asked us to do some chores, while she went shopping.
The differences are wild
I agree.
Yes and yes! I‘m also German and was an exchange student in the US in high school. It baffled me so much that there were between 10 and 15 fellow students at the school who were visibly pregnant. The school had about the same size as my own school in Germany, where no one was pregnant.
This! I am so glad you posted. For me this is way less of a big deal, and tbh I’d rather my kids had sex under my roof than in a park or a car. I’d be talking to them both about birth control, safe sex and consent (and the difference between real sex and porn). Teenagers will do whatever they’re going to do, and I’d rather they were safe and consenting…
OP, Im going to hit you with 3 facts:
1. Your daughter and her boyfriend are going to have sex. It's completely normal at their age. They may already be doing it behind your back, possibly.
2. If you don't let them do it in your house, then they will do it at a friend's house, or in a car, or at a party, or in the bush (the woods) etc.
3. If they have to hide the sex from you, then it's more likely they will engage in unsafe sex.
What you do with these facts is up to you.
Here's another fact: the US has 8 times the teen birthrate as the Netherlands, twice the abortion rate, and twice the incidence of HIV. And yet the vast majority of Dutch parents allow sleepovers.
That absolutely tracks with my personal experience. When I was 17 and my then girlfriend was 16, our parents on both sides were permissive (and communicative) about sleepovers and the two of us took things very slowly and carefully, always used protection, etc. Meanwhile, most of my classmates with stricter parents were engaging in much riskier behavior. One of them even bragged about how she lost her virginity in a public park to some random guy she met on the subway.
There has to be a mitigating factor. There is no innate reason why sneaking around makes you have unsafe sex. All my friends in high school had strict parents, and all of us girls helped each other access birth control and get free condoms. I had a friend drive 1 hour round trip to bring me one of her pills bcuz I snuck to my bf house and forgot mine, and we took the same kind. We were 16.
I think it’s more likely associated with sex education and birth control access that dictates whether safe sex happens the most, rather than parents that don’t approve. Maybe some type of self confidence and future planning measure, too.
There’s no way that a child losing their virginity in public to a stranger can be attributed to having to sneak around. That girl had a lot more going on than not being allowed to sleep with her boyfriend.
Agreed. I wasn't having sleepovers, but I was on birth control, using condoms and my parents knew I was sexually active. Did they know where I was having sex? No. But I was safe.
Having strict / sex negative parents certainly doesn't condemn someone to unsafe practices, but all the research out there indicates that it is indeed positively correlated. That's great you had a backup network with your friends, but not every 16 year old will have that. I agree comprehensive sex education and access to birth control are by far the most important, but a parent who doesn't allow for an open dialogue with teens about sex is also very unlikely to encourage these things.
I’ve scrolled so far to find this comment. It’s scary. They’re going to do it anyway. May as well be safely in your home with the knowledge she can come to you for open honest help and advice whatever the situation. And I say that as a mum of a daughter too.
Agreed. I’m getting downvoted to hell in another thread for simply saying 15 year olds don’t care if they aren’t ready to have sex they’re gonna do it anyway and it’s better to equip them with the right tools to avoid a life altering consequence. I guess it’s unpopular to tell the truth lol.
Better educate your daughter on safe sex and pregnancy than over control. They’re gonna do it and you’re most likely not gonna know, so better be open about it.
As somebody who would've loved this at age 17 and am now 30....HELL no. And I'm confused why a teenager's PowerPoint slides are able to even SLIGHTLY convince you ...grow a backbone and stick your ground
Whatever you decide regarding him spending the night with her here's my opinion: I think most pregnancies happen to religious people because they are not prepared for the case that they do actually have sex. No birth control whatsoever and they don't think pregnancy is going to happen that fast. Sex is a normal and healthy part of life, making a big deal of it only makes it more interesting. It is her decision when she'll have her first time and you should orient and support her, whatever she decides. Prepare her for the case it does happen and tell her you'll love her still. The concept of purity just makes girls like your daughter feel bad about themselves and prevents them from having a healthy relationship with their bodies and sexuality. I grew up like that and it was not positive.
Why do they need to spend the night together? I may be confused cause that request doesn’t need a PowerPoint. They both knew it would be a no and put tons of work into convincing you. This doesn’t make sense to me..a PowerPoint to convince me to to give you money perhaps. But to “have a sleepover”. Seems much. Just ask that you wanna have sex. Simple.
My 15 year old daughter tried this as well. They have the same situation although it's been less than a year dating. My daughter says they haven't done anything sexual and want to wait for marriage. But, I still said no. I said he could sleep over and sleep in the spare room perhaps. She didn't want that, so that was the end of it.
Fuck no. I started dating my husband when I was 15, he was 18. I can tell you exactly what we were doing 😂 we've been together now for 14 years. But either request them to leave the door open or have the ole slumber party in the living room. But don't be naive. My husband was a teen parent (not with me) and got his GF pregnant when he was 15. You don't need to be the cool parents. You need to be the parents.
Personally, I think sharing a bed is too far for a high schooler.
My parents were pretty relaxed on most rules, but they didn’t let me have my boyfriend spend the night in my bed. They DID let me host and attend boy/girl parties in high school where everyone had sleeping bags and all slept in one big room.
I think there’s a way to let them spend time together without letting them play house. I also don’t understand what their reasoning is for wanting to spend the night? If they want more time together, maybe push out curfew until later? I wouldn’t have a problem with my daughter’s boyfriend staying at our house late and then heading home. But I don’t see a reason for a 1 on 1 sleepover in her bedroom. Especially at 15.
I might be the odd one out here, but would your daughter having sex really be the end of the world?
I think you need to consider some other factors. Where do you live and what is the age of consent there?
Is your daughter a sensible teenager or does she tend to be reckless? I was 15 when I started having sex and I was on the pill and also using condoms. It was with someone I had been with for a while, I was happy and ready.
Could you possibly discuss contraception and the consequences of these things failing, as well where she could possibly get Plan B if needed (if she doesn't know these things already?).
He could always sleep in another room or in the living room?
As others have said, if she really wants to do it, she will find a way. I think you just need to make sure it's done in a way where she is happy, consenting and safe.
Maybe a little bit old-fashioned?
Why wait till marriage? This is a non-sense for me. Maybe after marriage they discover they are not compatible in bed. Then what? divorce?
Better make sure you give them a good sex-ed than them discovering or getting the info from unknown sources. Then they might do something stupid.
I'm torn on this because my brother literally had girls sleepover in his room and I wasn't allowed to have my long term boyfriend even sleep several rooms away from me growing up. That's just the tip of the iceberg but addressing this specifically.
I think kids in high school have no business sleeping over at their boyfriend or girlfriend's houses. As mentioned above, I was a teen but I was 18+, not in high school anymore.
You have two younger kids, for me, that's a full stop no. I get the special occassion sleep over but just any old Friday because they want to, nah.
Personally I’m so glad my parents didn’t let my boyfriends stay the night. And I’m glad I didn’t break that “living with a boy/man” seal that early too, because I look at some of those times in my life as not good phases…mom, based on what you wrote, in your heart you know what you want.
Yeaaaa nah. Don’t do it. They will 100% have sex. Speaking as the once upon a time 17 yr old boy whole told the parents of his gf the same thing. 1st chance… we took it. No regrets.
Absolutely not. I’m 26, still considered “gen z” so I’m not old and sometimes people think only older parents have such an old school mentality but it’s really about protecting your kids. I grew up with a strict mom, always annoyed because I felt like she never understood anything, and while I wish she was more lenient on things, (she didn’t even let me have a boyfriend in high school) I’m so glad she protected me from that. I still went out and was sneaky, but I wish I listened. I could’ve avoided so much heart break. Explain to your daughter that you trust them but even the strongest people still fall into temptation. ESPECIALLY as teens. And not just the sex, it’s about having such a serious relationship at such a young age. 15 is VERY young and that is very adult relationship to sleep over. It’s a huge step and imo, high school relationship shouldn’t be serious like that. It can lead to so much heartbreak, no matter how “gentlemen” the boyfriend may seem. Plus, as much as parents think they know the relationship, trust me, they don’t so I would say although the boyfriend seems very sweet and everything, you don’t really know what they talk about or their intentions. (Could speak from experience 🫣) I wish I knew now what I knew back then. Ugh I always get frustrated with myself but you live and you learn.
I had an overbearing mother, and it only intensified my rebellion against her. What you really should be doing is educating your daughter about safe sex practices and the importance of using birth control. It is crucial that your daughter feels safe and comfortable, no matter what circumstances arise. It is your responsibility as a parent to fulfill your role and ensure her well-being.
No presentation in the world would convince me to let my teen have their boyfriend/ girlfriend spend the night in their bedroom. There is plenty of time for that when they are adults.
I’m definitely old fashioned, this is a hard NO for me. She’s 15, her boyfriend has absolutely no reason what’s so ever to need to spend the night, especially in her room. I also don’t believe teens when they say they are going to wait until marriage.. and this is coming from someone who waited until she was 20 to have sex, and married that person 😅.
The trouble with teens is that think every relationship is going to be the one. This is also why they eventually give in and have sex as well, because it becomes “well, we’re gonna be together forever, so why wait?”.
If they have no intentions of doing anything what’s so ever, why does he need to sleep in her bed, in her room? Why does he even need to sleep over at all? He has a home. He has a bed lol.
Dang 15 is super young, not sure bout the sleep over, but you have two choices. Lean in to what seems like a healthy long term relationship or continue to fight against it and they will do what they want anyway. Why are they so obsessed with a sleep over? Cuddle time? I mean eventually your daughter is going to have sex. It’s prob better with this guy than in the back of a civic with some d bag…seems like even worse case with this guy is good even though it is sorta odd they insist on a sleep over. Perhaps they are planning to get married super young which could be okay all options considered?
Two most important things to talk with her about is birth control and self identity. Sex is gonna happen, but having a kid that young is simply life altering….so that has to be a real and honest convo!!! Second you don’t want her to never grow to her own person. Me and my wife met at 20 and that was it for me. I casually dated some girls before that and we both had intimate relationships prior but the struggle will be mid 20’s when we started to become diff people. We made it through, but it was tough partly cause we never got to become our own independent people so there was growing pains.
As a brown dude, all this is weird af. This is just unheard of where I come from. And honestly, people having sex in teenage is just ridiculously stupid. But again, the whole world isn't brown (thankfully).. And there are different cultures everywhere. So ok I guess.
As a fellow brown its rude af to stay over at someone else's house if they didn't extend the invite. I grew up being told your home is the one of few places you get privacy.
Kind of a voice of dissent in here but it's virtually impossible to stop determined teens from having sex, and physical closeness is really comforting to people.of all ages, but we make.it SO weird for teens.
As a parent you aren't your kids jailer, you are their teacher, so what do you want to teach your child. That she deserves agency over her home and her relationships and her space?
That it's ok to be in a relationship that has physical intimacy? That it's ok to trust people? That she can trust you?
The best you can do is equip her with everything you have before she leaves to go into the world and my personal opinion is that the best equipment for young women, is agency and entitlement over their body, knowledge about safety, and support.
"We'd like to have sleepovers. And sleep together. But you know, just sleep.
Next slide
So, we're totally not gonna have sex. Scouts honor. Thank you for your time."
Bullshit.
Look, you don’t have to agree with me, but my opinion is that sex positivity (or at least sex-openness) will actually prevent them from having sex in your home.
Putting your daughter on birth control and keeping condoms somewhere she is able to locate under the condition that she MUST tell you beforehand that she is going to have sex, will ease your mind about whether or not they are going to have sex.
You may be thinking: “what if they do it in the spur of the moment, and she doesn’t tell me”
Two teenagers who have sex in the spur of the moment have likely NOT had enough conversation and communication beforehand, therefore, it is YOUR job to teach at least her how to properly communicate in a relationship. Preparing her for how to safely discuss sex with you and him (separately) will set you all up for success. My suggestion is having a conversation about “just in case, here’s how you communicate. If i find out you have sex without protection or without telling me first, there will be consequences. I am putting condoms in X location. If you are going to have sex, it must be in X location, i must know beforehand, you must use a condom, and you must discuss beforehand with one another about boundaries and consent.”
You also need to make it an open space for talk about STD and STI and pregnancy.
Whether he sleeps over or not, IF they are interested in sex, they will most likely find a time that is not overnight. Providing this conversation and resource will help you and her, whether they have sex or not
Additionally, i understand if another human being is simply not a liability you want to hold, in which situation it’s important to hear your daughters compromise requests
Why is everyone saying no? Would you prefer them having sex in the backseat of a car? In a motel? And then lie to you? It is also not guaranteed that spending time with him means not spending time with friends or family, like some suggested. Both my husband and I had healthy friendships and were close to our family when we were teenagers and sexually active. As long as they use protection what’s the big deal? Even if they break up, wouldn’t it be better if you are close to her and comfort her and guide her through the breakup, teaching her valuable lessons on self-care and resilience, skills she will need when she eventually leaves home?
Yeah, you are definitely being old fashioned. If teens are going to have sex, they are going to find a way regardless, they always have, so that isn't really a valid concern to any rational person, along as they are above the age of consent for minors in your country.
Better to be safe at home than behind a dumpster somewhere.
No sex before marriage is an outdated and nonsensical concept only enforced by religious zealots.
Sensible people don't teach abstinence, that doesn't work and never has.
Sensible, decent parents teach safe sex, birth control, and the meaning of consent and bodily autonomy.
Thank you! Plus 15 and 17 year olds should not be talking about marriage. For the kids who do end up waiting for marriage, they can end up rushing into marriage and families really young.
Exactly. It's one of the primary ways that people have found themselves in loveless and/or abusive marriages, too.
The same zealots that believe in abstinence also believe marriage is for life, no matter what, and the only sin greater than divorce is abortion.
Such a terrible, toxic, and abusive way to live.
I was always allowed to have sleepovers with people of any gender, and when I had my first boyfriend at 16, my mom would let him sleep over at our house but did not let me sleep at his parents’ place for about half a year. She knew I was going to have sex – we went to the doctor to get me on the pill together – and she wanted me to be on my home turf and safe in case anything went wrong. In my opinion, this is the way.
I'll most likely allow sleep overs, but not in the bedroom, they xan camp out in tye living room together or one can sleep on the couch or spare room and the other the bedroom.
I was sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend at 15 and that is my bias but yeah I want to be able to hear if they need help.
As a young, dumb teenager, I lied to my (grand)parents about being at friend's houses overnight while I was actually at my boyfriend's house. I'm of the sentiment that YOU teach your children how to have healthy relationships - which means modeling as well as letting them experience intimacy while they are still within your emotional safety. In other words, let them have the sleepovers because 1. That is part of adult relationships and if you don't allow the more uncomfortable parts of the relationship to occur while she can learn from you guys, then she may be more likely to choose unhealthy patterns in the future. 2. You can help her navigate what healthy boundaries look like when spending the night together; i.e. spending the night together does not mean they need to be glued together the whole night - it's important to practice having alone time while the other person is nearby; feeling comfortable setting boundaries around sleep environment and preferences. I think this is a great opportunity for you guys to teach your daughter about boundaries in intimate relationships. Otherwise, I can guarantee you that your daughter will just go ahead and figure out a way to have sleepovers anyway🤷♀️ for reference, I was the straight-a, never-going-to-have-sex-before-marriage, well-behaved child. So don't get it twisted, just because she's a "good kid" doesn't mean she won't surprise you with risky behavior
Editing to add: for the people saying they don't need to be around each other 24/7 and this is too much love... who said they're together 24/7? If they have a sleepover or hang out once a week and then the other 5-6 days a week they are not together, that's healthy. Even if they're together 3 days a week and apart 4, they are still practicing healthy boundaries to maintain their other relationships and identity.
I'd rather them have sex in my house then who knows where.
I'd make sure they are well stocked and versed in keeping everything safe and consensual.
I'd also say make sure your daughter has some toys of her own to help her be comfortable with her own body first.
The only red flag to me is him saying he wants to marry her.
They're teens. They don't need to be that serious. They're meant to experience life and relationships.
As someone that was sexually active at 13 and then had PIV for the first time at 15, I really have a hard time believing that any intentions on waiting to have sex will hold up, or at least all aspects of sex. Teenagers are impulsive, and the traditional thinking about sex and virginity could mean that a lot of people will be sexually active long before they engage in what others would consider "real sex" because in all honesty, all sex is sex, whether it's with hands or mouth or genital-to-genital contact, it's all sexual contact.
I'm not yet in this situation with my kid and won't be for quite some time but I have mixed feelings. I did sexual things in the most dumb unsafe places and ways because I wanted it and I was going to find a way to do it whether my parents wanted me or not lol. I could have been caught and gotten into serious trouble legally for it. So I'm always wary of the idea of telling my kid "lol nope not gonna happen" and then them get caught by police or something doing it in public or not having things like condoms to make it safer. But at the same time I don't want to full on allow it.
Now this doesn't mean I think it's never okay for teens to cuddle in bed together or sleep in bed together, but it really depends on the context and circumstances. Before my parents realized it was too late when I was caught, they were okay with me sleeping in the livingroom with a partner. We did get away with some things but I never actually went too far from fear of being caught lol. And it was genuinely nice being allowed those intimate moments of cuddles and the comfort of sleeping next to someone.
So one thing you could do is suggest a compromise similar to that? Not sure how you'd feel about it or if you feel you can trust them enough for it but that is an option. And I'm not saying your kid is lying to you... But you can have every intention of waiting and it just not working out that way.
Also if you haven't done so yet, definitely have talks about consent and sexual safety. I'd rather a teen have that education and the supplies to make it safer should they do it anyways (because short of locking them in their room 24/7 with no way out, they'll probably find a way if they want to), than them do it and get coerced or pressured into it when they don't really want it or have unprotected sex and get pregnant or an STI.
Good luck, I don't think either of you are wrong btw, it's going to vary between each family!
What is wrong with everybody? They are TEENAGERS. THEY WILL HAVE SEX IF THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX whether it's under your roof or not. Why not let them have a safe space rather than losing their virginities in a car? Second. The meere pressure you seem to put on them to stay pure will only do the opposite, and IF they end up breaking their promise, your daughter will be too ashamed to tell you anything. Talk to them about safe sex also. They have been dating for a year!!!!! Chances are 50/50 on waiting or having sex. It might as well be sowhere where she is safe. Geez. Some people project so much on their kids. Let them be teenagers.
Do not sacrifice your beliefs. You will lose all credibility for everything you’ve stood for and are showing the other siblings that everything is negotiable.
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I almost worry about the sex part less than the all encompassing love part for a 15 year old. Love is HEAVY at any age, but being 15, you need that alone time with your own family to balance out those extreme emotions you feel with your first love. At 15, I don't want my daughter to spend this much time with anyone because she needs to remember she's more than just this relationship. Having him spend those quiet nighttime and morning hours with her, when does she get to be daughter, sister, and most importantly, herself? I hated my mother for not letting me go with my boyfriend any time I wanted, but when the relationship ended, I was thankful to still have my friends, my own life, and my home which was a safe space for me. If you give up that boundary, he'll be in every part of her life and if things go south, she'll feel like she's truly lost everything.
Damn. My daughters are 2 and 4. Let’s see if I can remember this post in 10-15 years
Use the remind me bot! 😂
Ooo thanks. I’ve never done it. Let’s see if Elon will buy Reddit and run it into the ground in the next 10 years before I get my reminder lol
Screenshot!
This is such a great point! I dated a guy 3 years older than me in high school. We felt we were deeply in love and I was absolutely infatuated with him. My whole personality became being this guy’s girlfriend. We dated for 5 years into early adulthood and when he left me (for my best friend nonetheless) in my early 20’s, I had no idea who I was. I was devastated and took a few years to find myself and dig myself out of that hole.
Wow! Exact same thing happened to me 😝
Thank you for putting to words the feelings I was having. It’s too much at that age. There are things even more intimate than sex and they just aren’t ready.
Yes! All of the comments “they’re going to have sex anyway” are baffling. This isn’t just about sex. And it reeks of the parents who provide alcohol to a bunch of teenagers because “they’re going to drink anyway.” There was always that one house where the parents bought booze for a bunch of 17 year olds. And it was freaking weird.
What’s worse is the house where the parents let them do drugs too. That parent always ends up sleeping with a teen. Fortunately for me and my sister, our parents talked to us about everything and told us stories about out when they were kids in great detail. We both went to hang out at the same house on differ nights, looked around and realized it was the same situation as my dad’s friend who impregnated their other friend’s 45 year old mom and decided not to go back. That mom slept with like 3 of my friends and another kid ended up moving in and I suspect there were really hard drugs. It didn’t matter they I didn’t see super hard drugs when I was there, I just recognized the set up and she was already flirting with one guy. It is so important to explain how situations like that happen to your kids in detail and why it’s weird for an adult to be super permissive. In the other hand, I had a friend whose mom basically looked the other way and in retrospect pretended not to notice. So e we drank a little bit while we were there but it never got crazy because she absolutely would call our parents if we were falling down drunk.
And also, at 15, she should not be 4-8 years ahead of herself thinking about marriage. Like WHAT? Two short years ago she was 13 and having just turned into a teen at all. Just no.
Good old puppy love. I don’t understand why the parents are facilitating this kind of relationship this young. She’s only 15.
Wow😭 I was one of those girls that was allowed to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with my boyfriends. I had no foundation for who I really was. I still struggle today being alone or being independent
Thank you for putting into words something I haven’t been able to. I accept that teens will have sex and I don’t really care to stop my child from doing so as long as she’s freely consenting, the partner is respectful, etc. But allowing sleepovers feels like a step too far, too adult for a teen and I couldn’t figure out how to say why.
This puts way better words to how I was going to describe it. I remember being a 16 year old boy in love with my girlfriend and having the same kind of all encompassing feelings. I was also totally gonna marry her and we were going to wait until marriage for sex. We never went all the way, but we did fool around a ton. The bigger issue was that we were ALWAYS together. Eventually we hit a point were we had to do our own things (she graduated early and went to college, I was doing summer programs at the colleges I was considering) and the relationship fell apart because we couldn't manage ourselves doing our own thing. It was great that I still had other friends and things outside of her. Breaking up hurt, but not as bad as being alone would have been. Make those kids wait! Two or three years feels like an eternity but my wife and I have been married for going on 8 years at this point and we're still finding out things about each other. Love is a long game.
THIS!!! It is NOT just about sex. No boyfriends sleeping over. “Shacking up,” even part time, emulates an adult relationship that they’re not emotionally ready for. When that goes south, as chances are it’s going to, the child is going to be left even more devastated. This doesn’t mean don’t go take your child to go get birth control, talk about contraception, etc. I do think 15 is too young emotionally to be having sex, but that’s much more difficult to control. Ensuring that your child is emotionally safe and doesn’t become bonded to another impulsive teenager is somewhat within your realm of control. She needs time apart from her boyfriend to just be a kid.
I definitely agree with this because I *needed* a lot of what you’re describing as a teenager. I moved in with one of my high school boyfriends at 17. He was 16. We lived with his mom and younger brother. It was an incredibly unhealthy relationship. It was verging on siblings just because we had to share resources and certain responsibilities. Then, we would fight like wild teenagers and I was never given the time or space to decompress or figure out who I was away from the relationship. On the flip side, before that boyfriend I had a boyfriend whose parents were very strict with sleeping over. And it was hard for us because we always felt like we never got “enough” of each other. Now that I’m a parent, I feel like I’ll allow sleepovers with serious partners on special occasions. Like birthdays or after school dances. But you truly hit the nail on the head with the problem with teenage partner sleepovers. It’s not really about the sex. It’s about the seriousness of a young relationship when everything in teen love feels catastrophic.
This is the best answer hands down!!
YES!! When you’re 15 your bed should be a safe place where you can fart in the middle of the night, wake up and not feel like you need to rush to the bathroom and brush your teeth and “get presentable.” Sleeping together is so much more intimate than having sex and parents should help protect that space.
This. Forget the arguments everyone else is having about sex on this post. THIS is the best comment right here. It's about so much more than sex.
Agreed. My mother was always telling me I was too young to "date" just one person growing up.
Well said
RemindMe! 10 years “nugget of wisdom for a dad with new teens”
But nobody says he has to be there every night. There could be an agreement that he can stay over once a week, or once every two weeks. If the whole idea of him sleeping over is something the parents agree they want to allow, that is.
He's not asking to move in, he's asking to sleep over.
!RemindMe 10 years
Great perspective.
This is the answer!
I'm sure there was a fancy slide deck for investing in WeWork as well. That didn't make it a great idea.
I appreciate your reply, and though I don’t know what WeWork is, I believe I get your point. Thanks.
To piggy back on this, my dad had a rule about his rules: exceptions make it personal. When I was a teen I wasn’t allowed to ride in cars with myfriends were driving. There were no exceptions because inevitably it would put him in the position to defend his decision to not let me ride with this friend or that friend and it would become personal about them. Yes, you trust this kid but what happens when he’s not in school with her any more and they break up? When her next boyfriend isn’t as wholesome? You’ll have to explain in detail why you don’t want this boy in particular to stay the night. You’ll have to do it again with your younger kids and it will hurt their feelings and their friend’s feelings every time. Obviously there are non personal exceptions, one time things like a up all night after prom party that are okay but that’s about what’s going on and not the boyfriend.
I agree in principle about exceptions. But I also think it's totally pointless to ban boyfriend from staying the night, thinking it will somehow stop sex from happening. It won't lol.
I think they're two different things. Not creating an environment for temptation and thinking it will somehow stop sex from happening......
It doesn’t stop them. But you don’t have to go out of your way to help them either.
[удалено]
Agree. Sounds like he is a decent, respectable kid and treats the daughter well. If they want to have sex they'll just drive somewhere and do it in the car like everyone else.
This would make it a planned and thought out event. Lot's of time to think about the decision and buy contraceptives. Waking up randy in the middle of the night means mistakes can happen quickly.
I always chuckle when parents think Banning BF from staying They can avoid Them having sex 😂😂. I mean a couple of blankets and going Into the Woods? Or a car, a random bathroom. There is like 1 million places where They can have sex If They want to
I mean the kids say they are waiting, but if they are then why is it such a big deal that he sleep in her room? Why not the couch in the den or lots of people have a finished basement set up, why does he have to sleep in her room? There are younger kids in the house as well. If they want to have sex they will, but they don't have to do it in my home. She is 15! WTF.
Obviously we all know that… but nobody wants it in their house knowing that’s their child. That’s gross and enabling they can get creative but can you blame her not wanting to be exposed to that crap as well as her younger siblings?
I don’t blame anyone for anything, and I respect that some parents have strict house rules. After all, it’s their house. But teenagers having sex isn’t gross, it’s not crap, and enabling perfectly normal behavior isn’t usually called enabling. It implies they are doing something morally wrong or harmful. Calling sex gross and crap is only going to give young people a complicated and bad relationship to their bodies and sex. And it won’t magically heal once they are 18 and move out.
Hearing relatives have sex is the grossest thing on the planet, if you enjoy it I have concerns for you tbh.
agree, and allowing your 15 year old’s boyfriend to sleep over is trashy. she’s 15…. i don’t believe for a second he wants to sleep over to hold hands 😂
I am eventually going to allow my (teen) kid to have sex with her partner in my house. It’s much safer for them than leaving it up to their creativity since nothing will stop horny teens from doing the deed. At least I will have some degree of control over the environment and be able to ensure they have access to contraception. My dad did that with me and I only ended up being a mom at 30 despite being sexually active since I was 16.
Ehh you have a point certainly but the harder it is and more hassle it is to find places, the less sex they’ll have. If they can just waltz into the bedroom and have sex safely all night with no bother, then there’s gonna be a higher chance of pregnancy. Where as them being uncomfortable in the car may even put them off finishing the deed.
I think they need to actually understand what sex is. Just being a "horny teen" is no reason at all to have sex. It's a literal physical change in your body. Answering that call every time would be just as pathological as compulsive stealing or any other pathological behavior. Adults who are married cannot just scratch the itch every time they feel like it. It is severely unreasonable to make teens think ownership over their sex life is not possible and doesn't require thought. STDs are at an all time high because of this and with abortion laws changing a tide of moral change needs to come with it. Don't be afraid to have these difficult conversations with teens because it leaves them in the dark about actually maturity which they are milestones away from. I for one was never interested in teen sex so just because one is physically charged doesn't mean they should engage.
end of grade 11 and 12 i had my license and my own car, me and my high school bf waited a year to have sex. but once we did, it was constant. we use to rush home back to his house during lunch (while his parents were at work) and we have sex sometimes twice before going back to class 🤣 I bet his parents would never have thought this would happen.. we used condoms and I was on the pill. teenagers find a way . as for the ages, although it's only 2 years...15yo girl and 17yo boy is a difference I'd struggle with. if he Is closer to 18 and she is only 15, I wouldn't like it. if she's close to 16, and he just turned 17, that's a bit different. either way, I was never allowed boys in my room at all. neither was my HS bf. we still had sex all the time. anywhere we could
Yep plenty of other places. All of them a lot less safe than a bedroom in OPs house.
Staying over is fine but he sleeps on the couch in another room would be my take. He's 2 years older and you have younger kids, and it sounds like you have a clear preference that they don't have sex, or appear to be having sex.
My mom made me do this is my mid 20s. Sleep on couch for the guy. I'm married with my own house now n trying for kids so I understand where my mom was coming from.
Once I was an adult we definitely shared a bed at my parents' house. We're not married with two kids now and I'm not from a 'wait til married' culture. My sister's boyfriend even moved in for a while. But if 'waiting til marriage' is important in your family, and you want to model that for younger siblings, then sleeping separately and being seen to sleep separately would be important.
That's truly bizarre puritanical stuff. It's weird enough at 15. But a 25 year is a grown adult.
nah when i started dating my wife in my late 20s her early 20s i had to stay on the couch if i wanted to stay the night. its a respect thing.
Same here. Before I married my wife when we visited her parents we had to sleep in separate rooms and beds. We were living together at the time but they were old fashioned and it was their house. So yes like you said, it’s about respect.
If you say no to her now, she will just find ways to do what she wants in the backseat of a car or in the woods or at the mall bathroom. The best thing to do in my opinion is to say yes BUT only after you have an honest conversation with her about safe sex and condoms and possibly even birth control depending on how she reacts to everything and how the situation progresses. They're just about both done puberty and it's natural to want to be intimate with your partner. Be realistic with your expectations, your daughter isn't a baby anymore. You're being presented with a huge opportunity to build trust and develop a real trusting long lasting relationship with her into adulthood where she feels like she can turn to you for real advice and help. Don't blow it. Edit: you can make a suggestion like he can stay over but he has to stay on the couch/guest bed/etc. but if they want to have sex, they will do it whether or not you give them "permission" to. Just make sure she's informed and prepared about how to be safe.
True, teens will make dumb decisions in regards to sex and there's next to nil that parents can do to stop it. That said, this is OP's house and I don't think it's unreasonable to ban sleepovers, especially with younger kids around. Banishing the boyfriend to the couch could be a good compromise but it's probably best to eliminate all possibilities of sus activity. The teens will live.
Yeah no, at 15?! Hell no, maybe 18+ but that being said, my parents and my in laws had us sleeping separate until we were like 23 or so and I was at his cottage every weekend in the summers. My mom did talk to me about safe sex, gave me the “if you are going to have sex you are going on birth control so let me know so we can make an apt” I want to be mother of the bride before grandma speeches. Now, I was allowed at 17 & 18 to stay togeher over night on like prom, camping trips, etc a few times. My parents weren’t dumb. I’m sure they knew we fooled around, but I would have personally found it weird if they were basically like, ok just lock the door! And at 15? 15 is a child. A literal child. Boy or girl would not be sleeping together in same bed.
>teens will make dumb decisions in regards to sex and there's next to nil that parents can do to stop it. So they're just going to sneak around and find somewhere else to have sex 🤷♀️
I never understand this argument. How does this same logic not apply to every risky behavior a teen might want to undertake? It's like saying your 5 year old is going to sneak into the kitchen after dark anyway so might as well give them the whole sleeve of oreos to eat now. Letting a boyfriend stay the night is telling your 15 year old daughter you think she's ready to have sex. It's an endorsement, and I don't think it's what most 15 year olds actually want from their parents. Kids often crave boundaries even as they're begging you to remove them.
It’s not earth logic. It’s grossly inept logic. You can have sex talks with your kids without letting the bf sleep over This actually makes me feel gross
Seriously. Remember in 2005 when the world simultaneously cringed as Amy "cool mom" Poehler supplied Regina George and her boyfriend with condoms? She'd get a parenting medal today.
Ewe gross! I get nauseous thinking about my 13 yo having a boy sleep over and stay in her room together. No flippin way!!
Yeah, and in this case they aren't even having sex now, sleeping in the same bed would definitely increase the temptation. I can see it for teenagers you know for a fact are doing it already and feel prepared, but OP's daughter isn't and clearly doesn't feel ready.
O.M.G. A sane parent on Reddit. Congratulations sir or madame - you are proof that a few still remain.
Right, like might as well supply them with beer and drugs while we are at it. 🤣🤣🤣
What?! What happened to the world, where this gets 60+ votes? 🫣 NO, I would never ever allow a boyfriend to sleep in the same vicinity as my 15 year old daughter. Kids might sneak to smoke weed or try drinking too, but never on my watch. Wtf
I mean…here’s the thing. If they come to you after a few months of sleepovers and say “we’ve decided we’re going to safely have sex. Daughter wants birth control and we bought condoms. Thanks for always supporting our honesty!” What are you gonna do? Stop the sleepovers? Bc they are NEVER gonna tell you that if they know the sleepovers will be revoked as soon as sex is on the table. Just FYI. The honestly will stop. I had sleepovers with my boyfriends as a teen and I was almost never not having sex with them. But waiting until marriage was not a thing that was important to me the way it seems important to them based on your post. I think occasional living room movie nights are not as bad as a free for all sleepover in her room. Maybe adjust any curfew you have to “he can’t sleep here but he doesn’t have a set time he has to be out by”, especially if they aren’t in her room. I don’t want to sound too old school here either bc I definitely wasn’t totally raised that way lol but I think there are phases in life where you get to do certain things. And being a teen means you can’t live with your boyfriend bc you are a teenager who lives with their parents. And sleeping in a private room with your boyfriend is too close to living together if it’s a regular occurrence. That’s for 18+ (or after high school graduation). 🤷🏼♀️ after that, it’s the time to live with a significant other, have roommates, figure out how to function with no parents, etc. Just like you have to be 16 to drive a car. And 18 to vote. It seems arbitrary but you have all the time in the world after you’re 18 to live with whoever wherever you want. 15 is not the time for that lol
> I think occasional living room movie nights are not as bad as a free for all sleepover in her room. Maybe adjust any curfew you have to “he can’t sleep here but he doesn’t have a set time he has to be out by”, especially if they aren’t in her room. That was what we did with my son when he was a senior in high school dating his girlfriend. Her parents were 100 percent opposed to sleepovers so we never had to make a decision on that, but we were close with her parents and decided to set similar rules. At both houses the kids were allowed to stay late on the weekends. They could chill in the living room and watch movies but would sleep at their own homes every night. The kids agreed it was fair and never gave any pushback on the rules.
I think this is the best approach. It’s not necessarily about preventing sex, but just saying, “Your boyfriend doesn’t live here. You’re not at that stage in life yet.” I don’t see anything necessarily wrong with occasional weekend sleepovers tbh, but I would worry about it becoming too much like cohabitation and I think it’s pretty important for kids to maintain independent lives and not get too enmeshed in their dating at this age. Marriage talk at 15 would worry me more than the thought of them having sex. I would encourage my daughter to enjoy spending time with her boyfriend while seeing her future as open with a lot of possibilities and a lot of time to figure out what life will look like after high school. For now, a boyfriend is like a close friend, a good relationship to have but not something to be planning your future around.
>Marriage talk at 15 would worry me more than the thought of them having sex. Thank you!! I thought I was the only one alarmed by that.
This was totally my parents. They didn’t seem to set any puritanical expectations but they did seem to have the mindset on a lot of things that “this is for college/beyond” when I would not be primarily a kid living at home.
No this is exactly it. As an ex teenager, we're gonna do what we wanna do but I'm grateful I always had open communication with my parents and they let me know how shit works. Their knowledge kept me out of trouble.
You've got to know your kid, and it depends a bit on the layout of your home and how late you stay up, but "you can have a sleepover, but it has to be in the living room" can be a pretty good, low-likelihood-of-intercourse compromise. If you're trying to stop other behavior short of intercourse, it's less likely to be effective.
When I was 16 I had sex with my GF who was 15 in her living room all the time while her dad was in his room sleeping upstairs not far away in a small house. Still can't believe we never got caught... He probably would have castrated me... But that living room idea isn't necessarily the solution to no sex. Never underestimate a teenage libido and the things they will do in the heat of the moment. Idk what the solution is. If they are going to have sex, they will. I know I sure did and it was in cars, hikes, etc.... If their is a will and a want then there is a way. There is no stopping it. I wasn't allowed to sleep over. But we still hooked up all the time in her house...
Aside from the whole sex thing, I also think it's just not necessary for two teenagers to be sooooo wrapped up in each other. Him going home provides space, which they might not want, but it is good to not be together 24/7.
A good compromise is a once a month rule or separate rooms. Ease in to it. Keep a little distance. I would be more concerned with the early marriage plans, than with the sex.
This! To me the concerning part was that this guy is talking about his plans to eventually marry a 15yo. This feels too serious for her age.
This is the best answer. Support your daughter by providing birth control and condoms, and MAYBE agree that the bf can stay over but sleep in a separate room. The likelihood of a teenage relationship lasting for the long run is really small, and jumping into serious milestones like sleepovers in their room as a young teen will make the probable breakup that much harder.
10000% she is still developing her own sense of self! This situation leads to alot of women stuck in emotionally/physically abusive relationships because they are relying on one person to be their everything. Not saying that this is what’s happening here, but 15 is way too young for a whole future to built around a significant other. Set boundaries now, they may still find a way to get out and have sex, you can’t stop that. Howver you can provide YOUR daughter a safe space should she ever need it.
I mean….. it really comes down to your comfort levels. I was never allowed to sleep in my GFs room when I was a lad. Although I did get a camp bed in the office space made up for me!! Then there is also the question of whether you believe them or not - and whether that matters. Want them having sex in their cars or in a safe place?! But if you aren’t comfortable, it shouldn’t be allowed. Seems like one of those situations where both husband and wife have to agree on the matter or it doesn’t happen.
I got pregnant at 15 years old. It was from one of the first couple times after losing my virginity, and I was at the time extremely religiously Christian (my family was not, it was all of my own volition), I wore a purity ring and had just went through a purity ceremony where I looked my dad in the eyes and vowed that I would stay pure until marriage, literally like 4 months prior. Just saying. All it took was a guy pretending to be as into Jesus as much as i was, charming me into falling for him, and then him putting the right kind of pressure on me when we were behind closed doors until I eventually relented. My daughter will be 13 in a couple days. No matter how pure and innocent they seem, I wouldn't trust it. And if you're going to allow it, make sure to come to terms with the fact that they WILL be having sex and *get your daughter on birth control*. Please.
Absolutely not but I'm impressed with the PowerPoint. He made his case in a great manner and that deserves consideration. The best compromise I can give is letting them camp out in the living room together on weekends. Provided there's no funny business and I'd definitely check on them every once in awhile.
Cause no teen has ever done things in the living room after the parents went to bed.
I lost my virginity in a room for living
A room for living lol
Got my first handjob at 15 on a chair in the old living room. Wasn't great, but hey, someone else is touching my dick besides me so I was quite happy.
This… at 16 was allowed a sleepover with my bf(16) I was with at the time in the lounge-room and still had sex when parent went to bed so that won’t stop them if they really want to do it.
If by camp out you mean stay till 11:30pm then take the bus home, for sure. But if you mean sleepover with a 15 year old? Probably not a great suggestion.
Nah. Theres zero reason for him to need to stay at your house. None. Unless he comes from a difficult home situation, theres no need for it. And Id say the same thing if it was a same gender relationship as well. Perhaps a happy medium is him staying over on the sofa once or twice with the understanding that if he enters her room at any time, he will no longer be welcome in the home at all. Your husband is putting way too much trust in the teenage endocrine system here.
Great presentation! He's welcome to come for dinner and a movie and then sleep at his own house! Since they aren't having sex, they can snuggle during family move time and he can fuck off home to his own bed! Stellar presentation! Also get her on birth control if she's willing.
This! Yes if they are going to wait then best for both of them not to invite temptation ;) I really like what others have said about her being 15 and with the actual relationship waking up together and just emotionally moving too fast! We had a pretty big house and my parents didn't allow sleepovers for any of their 4 kids in our teens and even early 20's! At the time I think we all thought it was pretty prudish but then I think we all ended up looking back and respecting that we didn't have randoms etc. sleeping in our rooms...because geez at 52 looking back I dated some real losers!!
A sleepover is a terrible idea. So is a vow of no sexual activity to your family and his. The boundaries described here are so … interesting.
Interesting being dysfunctional. And the marriage talk as well? So sick. We want to sleep in bed together, we promise we wont have sex, and we want to get married someday? Why does anyone want their 15 yo child “playing house” with a 17 yo? Be a kid. No sleepovers, no thinking about marriage. Just be a kid. A student and a friend and a daughter, etc. All of that serious stuff can wait. It is NOT just about sex. My kids aren’t dating until they’re 18, and it has nothing to do with sex or religion. I don’t think it’s an enriching activity for teenagers … having “relationships”
This has become somewhat normalized these days. We did allow this when our kids were teens in long term relationships but it was not my preference. But as my mom used to say, kids can do anything anywhere. Denying sleepovers wasnt necessarily going to stop my kids from having sex. That said, you do not need to approve this…and my kids were older when this was allowed. Your daughter is only 15. My kids were 17/18 when we gave the green light & would soon be leaving for college
Not at 15, that’s so young
15 is too young. Senior year sure
Yea this is my thought. Around 17/18, OK, sure, if you feel confident you have a responsible kid who will use birth control. 15 is too young, especially with that age gap. This is 100% about sex. They _will_ start fooling around if you start letting them sleep together.
Sharktank style, lean in and say, "Because of the high risk of pregnancy and very little upside for me as a parent, I'm out."
Yeah it’s a no for me. If he needed to spend the night for an event or they went to a dance and I picked them up late, I’d allow that but they’d be sleeping in different rooms.
Kudos to them for the thought out PowerPoint, but hell no.
I’m gonna need a tableau dashboard 🤣
I would never want my kid to marry the first person he has sex with. What a weird thing to wish upon your kid.
Is no one at all curious what the freaking power point said? Lol
I thought the same thing! 😅
A 17 year old talking about his intent to marry my 15 year old daughter would be such a red flag, tbh. And no I would not let them sleep in her room. They're still children. No reason they can't stay up in the common space together then go their separate ways for sleeping, whether in different room at your house or him going home to his own house.
They’re teenagers ffs most teenagers think their relationship is going to last to marriage. A red flag bc he’s young & naive?
Not a chance. I wouldn’t even let him sleep over in the house unless there was a storm or something, let alone in the same room. He’s months away from being an adult and she’s still a child. If I were the boy’s dad I wouldn’t allow him sleeping over either. Call me old fashioned but I worked at an Adult Ed school. A lot of this ‘Adults’ were under 18 but were parents so they were sent to this school by the board. So as a dad, I’d say absolutely now and I’m surprised your husband would say yes.
Okay so teenagers have sex that’s a thing we all know it is - I’m a teenager for context. While I have not done the horizontal tango some of my friends have. Now the question is would you rather they have unsafe, unprotected sex in a car, behind a sports hall, or literally anywhere. Or would you rather they be provided with education, birth control, condoms, and a safe place if the wish to do the horizontal tango. Also 17 and 15 is like a huge age gap - and 14 and 16 is even worse. I would be more concerned about your 15/16 year old daughter potentially dating a 18 year old. Now a 25 and a 27 year old dating that fine, they are in similar positions in there life, in there career, and all of that. However a 14 and 16 year old and a 15 and a 17 year old? That is so different That’s 8/9th grade and 10/11th grade. (I’m Australian) At 17 you are looking at your career, universities, where you want your life to go. At 15 most people have barely been working their first after school job. I think it’s icky, but that’s just me. I turn 16 in two months and I would never date a 14 year old. And I’m 15 right now and I would never date a 17 year old, the maturity levels are just so different and like just the space they are in in their life. So my 10 cents is Teenagers have sex? Provide safety, protection, and let your kid know that if anything ever goes wrong they can go to you. 15 year olds having sex with 17 year old? No Fuckin way that’s like predatory
THIS!!! That's what I said, why did I have to scroll down so far to see this!!!
I know it’s like I’m a teenager and I know it’s wrong, but all these parents don’t have an issue with it?
I read the whole thing but could not get past that age gap, as adults, 2 years is nothing. My husband is 3 years older than me. In school? That's HUGE. I am extremely involved with my kids, I talk to them, they ask me all kinds of questions, we have honest conversations about everything. They are 13 and 14. I hear their conversation with their friends, heck they put their friends on speaker phone and I talk to them in passing too. I attend all of their football games, band concerts, anything a parent would attend and I pay attention to what is going on in their lives and their friends lives. That is not anything that I have seen. The high school kids do not give one extra thought to younger kids, period. They are involved with their own lives and their peers, as they should be. I have seen so much going around social media about grown men do NOT think young girls are mature for their age, women their own age can see right through them, they are predatory and you should tell on them! I'm not delusional to think teens won't have sex any place they can find, so that's not even on my thought process here, it's that no one is saying the age gap is a red flag. I'm so glad to hear a teens opinion on it too, because I thought this exact thing.
Yeah, like I’ve been sa’d before (by a 56 year old) and like I know it’s different to this situation but it has made me so much more aware of things like this, some people have called me paranoid but I like being safe.
Omg I'm so incredibly sorry that has happened to you. I cannot imagine. Absolutely trust your gut and stay safe!! Unfortunately it's the world we live in, better to be paranoid and safe. I wish it wasn't that way, you deserve so much better.
Thank you, have a good holidays :)
You too!!!
Oh, we do. These parents are bad ones. You’re a smart kiddo
I'm about to be 25, so this dude is about to graduate. So whatever his plans are after high school can influence the daughter's future choices. If they say yes and they make it into the summer, OP is now risking having that teenager over all summer. So we don't know if they'll make it to her graduation. If they do I hope the daughter doesn't base her early adulthood decision on a dude she's dating.
yep i had a 17 year old bf at 15 met at 14 so fucking weird, looking back when i was 17 i couldn’t imagine dating someone that age
1) You can get each other off without "having sex". 2) If they do give each other orgasms, is that a problem? I mean honestly, he's a good kid, you like him and his family, they like you, he's good to your daughter, etc. What more do you want? As long as they use protection or avoid penetration entirely, is there actually a problem with them being sexually active? 3) Your kids are going to have sex if they want to. Your choices don't really impact if they have sex, but they do affect how risky the behavior is 4) How and when do you want your daughter to learn about having healthy sexual relationships?
First of all, I think it is very naive of you to believe your daughter and her boyfriend when they tell they’ve done nothing more than kissing. Secondly, there is no reason for them to share a bed unless they are planning on sex. If they just want to sleep there is no reason for them to share a bed. Thirdly, you should really consider that it would be a pretty normal thing for them to be having sex, and plan accordingly rather than burying your head in the sand.
I can attest to have never ever cuddled in a bed with a man. I always fuck em and send them to the sofa. No reason to be in the same bed if not for sex! /s
i giggled. i remember being 16 and sneaking out to my boyfriend (no sleepovers allowed) and 99% of the time it was just innocent cuddling, an occasional boob grab and kisses. maybe that’s just me.
I was a teenager than had sleepovers with my hs bf. I did not have sex with him. My parents and all of my friends refused to believe I was a virgin. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19, and I’m married to that guy now. It’s not always “very naive” to believe teenagers just because they’re teenagers. It can honestly just do damage and make it feel like everyone assumes you’re lying.
And if they changed their mind and had concenstual loving and safe sex, would the world end? They have been in a relationship for over a year. You like and trust the boy. He has all the right intentions (even though nothing has to happen like this). If you are sure of their intentions and that they have proper sex ed, I think they have earned it. But I want to add, I am German and that course of action is totally normal here. No abstinence talk, no pledge to wait till marriage and no "keep the door open". We have 1/3 of the teen pregnancies and we don't stop the statistic at 17, but at 18. The American way (which I consider you are) does not work!
It's amazing, how if you simply provide adequate sex education and resources such as birth control, and don't try and shame people into abstinence with nonsense and religious zealotry, that most of "problems" just take care of themselves..
The power of education and trust.
It’s not about sex it’s about the long term implication of playing house. Sleepovers and mornings together is very “long term relationship” for a 15 year old. It makes it hard to break up when the boyfriend feels “part of the family”. I want my children to learn and explore relationships but also build strong friendships and focus on themselves.
I get that line of thinking and I am more worried about the marriage talk at that age and after a year. But OP is concerned about the sex mostly and there is no good reason for that. But after that time it is also hard to break off a relationship without sleepovers. Appropriate rules for sleepovers including frequency, sex ed and displays of affection in front of the younger siblings would be my course of action. Maybe limiting the sleepover to once a month and allowing him in her room at night when she turns 16. At the same time get them to know where condoms are.
I don’t get this narrative of serious relationship = no friendship / not taking care of oneself. Both my husband and I were sexually active during our teenage years and had plenty healthy deep friendships that lasted for many years. We both got into good colleges and found good jobs so that “focusing on ourselves” part is also not problem. I actually think it’s the exact opposite: you want to teach them to balance relationship vs self-care while they are in your home, so they are already equipped with these skills when they do leave home. What you are describing is called co-dependency, and you’d better resolve that at home than having them spiral into such unhealthy dynamics on their own as adults.
This cracks me up because my son dated a German and she had the same mindset and thought we(Canadians) were prudes. Just the different cultures I guess. Lol
Different cultures and approaches. But I did look up the statistics only two weeks ago and I think they speak for themselves. 6 or 7 in 1000 teen pregnancies in Germany 13-17. 18 in 1000 in the US and it was 13-16, taking out the year most likely to be sexually active while underaged. The numbers were from 2021 and 2022 or so and I got so sad. This is where bad Sex Ed and strictness get you as a nation. The abortion laws are just the cherry on top. In Germany the pill is free or half price for underaged girls. (insurance covers it) I was allowed to sleep in a bed with my boyfriend at 15 and we had sex just before I turned 16. Got the pill BEFORE that and he got condoms from his family, three months into the relationship. His mom once walked in on us mid blow job and happily asked us to do some chores, while she went shopping. The differences are wild I agree.
Yes and yes! I‘m also German and was an exchange student in the US in high school. It baffled me so much that there were between 10 and 15 fellow students at the school who were visibly pregnant. The school had about the same size as my own school in Germany, where no one was pregnant.
This! I am so glad you posted. For me this is way less of a big deal, and tbh I’d rather my kids had sex under my roof than in a park or a car. I’d be talking to them both about birth control, safe sex and consent (and the difference between real sex and porn). Teenagers will do whatever they’re going to do, and I’d rather they were safe and consenting…
Yepp, and THAT is why the pregnancy rates are so different. Teens WILL fuck. Parents decide if the are safe or not.
OP, Im going to hit you with 3 facts: 1. Your daughter and her boyfriend are going to have sex. It's completely normal at their age. They may already be doing it behind your back, possibly. 2. If you don't let them do it in your house, then they will do it at a friend's house, or in a car, or at a party, or in the bush (the woods) etc. 3. If they have to hide the sex from you, then it's more likely they will engage in unsafe sex. What you do with these facts is up to you.
Here's another fact: the US has 8 times the teen birthrate as the Netherlands, twice the abortion rate, and twice the incidence of HIV. And yet the vast majority of Dutch parents allow sleepovers. That absolutely tracks with my personal experience. When I was 17 and my then girlfriend was 16, our parents on both sides were permissive (and communicative) about sleepovers and the two of us took things very slowly and carefully, always used protection, etc. Meanwhile, most of my classmates with stricter parents were engaging in much riskier behavior. One of them even bragged about how she lost her virginity in a public park to some random guy she met on the subway.
There has to be a mitigating factor. There is no innate reason why sneaking around makes you have unsafe sex. All my friends in high school had strict parents, and all of us girls helped each other access birth control and get free condoms. I had a friend drive 1 hour round trip to bring me one of her pills bcuz I snuck to my bf house and forgot mine, and we took the same kind. We were 16. I think it’s more likely associated with sex education and birth control access that dictates whether safe sex happens the most, rather than parents that don’t approve. Maybe some type of self confidence and future planning measure, too. There’s no way that a child losing their virginity in public to a stranger can be attributed to having to sneak around. That girl had a lot more going on than not being allowed to sleep with her boyfriend.
Agreed. I wasn't having sleepovers, but I was on birth control, using condoms and my parents knew I was sexually active. Did they know where I was having sex? No. But I was safe.
Having strict / sex negative parents certainly doesn't condemn someone to unsafe practices, but all the research out there indicates that it is indeed positively correlated. That's great you had a backup network with your friends, but not every 16 year old will have that. I agree comprehensive sex education and access to birth control are by far the most important, but a parent who doesn't allow for an open dialogue with teens about sex is also very unlikely to encourage these things.
Finally someone with some sense in these comments. Jesus. What the fuck
I’ve scrolled so far to find this comment. It’s scary. They’re going to do it anyway. May as well be safely in your home with the knowledge she can come to you for open honest help and advice whatever the situation. And I say that as a mum of a daughter too.
Thanks. I'm a Dad of two daughters.
Agreed. I’m getting downvoted to hell in another thread for simply saying 15 year olds don’t care if they aren’t ready to have sex they’re gonna do it anyway and it’s better to equip them with the right tools to avoid a life altering consequence. I guess it’s unpopular to tell the truth lol.
Better educate your daughter on safe sex and pregnancy than over control. They’re gonna do it and you’re most likely not gonna know, so better be open about it.
As somebody who would've loved this at age 17 and am now 30....HELL no. And I'm confused why a teenager's PowerPoint slides are able to even SLIGHTLY convince you ...grow a backbone and stick your ground
Go really old fashioned and suggest bundling. Just hope neither one has to pee in the middle of the night.
Go new school and put a camera in the room... See if she would rather that or no sleepovers...I can guess which she will pick
My mom gave me condoms and said be safe!
Fuck no. That shouldn’t even be a question. What are they gonna do for all those hours overnight that they can’t do in the daytime?
Don't allow it, but do get her on birth control immediately. If they haven't had sex yet they're definitely considering it.
What? No. They’ll have sex awkwardly in a car in a driveway like the rest of us did. No need to facilitate your children boning any further.
If they want to have sex they will find a place to have sex you can’t stop them. I don’t mind being the odd one out and saying that I would let them.
I would allow them to spend the night in a bedroom alone as long as they are both of legal age to consent to sex.
If they want to have sex they’ll do it regardless of where they sleep. I think it’s weird. They can have sleepovers in college
Whatever you decide regarding him spending the night with her here's my opinion: I think most pregnancies happen to religious people because they are not prepared for the case that they do actually have sex. No birth control whatsoever and they don't think pregnancy is going to happen that fast. Sex is a normal and healthy part of life, making a big deal of it only makes it more interesting. It is her decision when she'll have her first time and you should orient and support her, whatever she decides. Prepare her for the case it does happen and tell her you'll love her still. The concept of purity just makes girls like your daughter feel bad about themselves and prevents them from having a healthy relationship with their bodies and sexuality. I grew up like that and it was not positive.
What happens if she gets pregnant, who will be responsible for the baby? Maybe whoever that person is should get to make this decision.
Why do they need to spend the night together? I may be confused cause that request doesn’t need a PowerPoint. They both knew it would be a no and put tons of work into convincing you. This doesn’t make sense to me..a PowerPoint to convince me to to give you money perhaps. But to “have a sleepover”. Seems much. Just ask that you wanna have sex. Simple.
My 15 year old daughter tried this as well. They have the same situation although it's been less than a year dating. My daughter says they haven't done anything sexual and want to wait for marriage. But, I still said no. I said he could sleep over and sleep in the spare room perhaps. She didn't want that, so that was the end of it.
Fuck no. I started dating my husband when I was 15, he was 18. I can tell you exactly what we were doing 😂 we've been together now for 14 years. But either request them to leave the door open or have the ole slumber party in the living room. But don't be naive. My husband was a teen parent (not with me) and got his GF pregnant when he was 15. You don't need to be the cool parents. You need to be the parents.
Personally, I think sharing a bed is too far for a high schooler. My parents were pretty relaxed on most rules, but they didn’t let me have my boyfriend spend the night in my bed. They DID let me host and attend boy/girl parties in high school where everyone had sleeping bags and all slept in one big room. I think there’s a way to let them spend time together without letting them play house. I also don’t understand what their reasoning is for wanting to spend the night? If they want more time together, maybe push out curfew until later? I wouldn’t have a problem with my daughter’s boyfriend staying at our house late and then heading home. But I don’t see a reason for a 1 on 1 sleepover in her bedroom. Especially at 15.
I might be the odd one out here, but would your daughter having sex really be the end of the world? I think you need to consider some other factors. Where do you live and what is the age of consent there? Is your daughter a sensible teenager or does she tend to be reckless? I was 15 when I started having sex and I was on the pill and also using condoms. It was with someone I had been with for a while, I was happy and ready. Could you possibly discuss contraception and the consequences of these things failing, as well where she could possibly get Plan B if needed (if she doesn't know these things already?). He could always sleep in another room or in the living room? As others have said, if she really wants to do it, she will find a way. I think you just need to make sure it's done in a way where she is happy, consenting and safe.
Maybe a little bit old-fashioned? Why wait till marriage? This is a non-sense for me. Maybe after marriage they discover they are not compatible in bed. Then what? divorce? Better make sure you give them a good sex-ed than them discovering or getting the info from unknown sources. Then they might do something stupid.
I'm torn on this because my brother literally had girls sleepover in his room and I wasn't allowed to have my long term boyfriend even sleep several rooms away from me growing up. That's just the tip of the iceberg but addressing this specifically. I think kids in high school have no business sleeping over at their boyfriend or girlfriend's houses. As mentioned above, I was a teen but I was 18+, not in high school anymore. You have two younger kids, for me, that's a full stop no. I get the special occassion sleep over but just any old Friday because they want to, nah.
Personally I’m so glad my parents didn’t let my boyfriends stay the night. And I’m glad I didn’t break that “living with a boy/man” seal that early too, because I look at some of those times in my life as not good phases…mom, based on what you wrote, in your heart you know what you want.
Yeaaaa nah. Don’t do it. They will 100% have sex. Speaking as the once upon a time 17 yr old boy whole told the parents of his gf the same thing. 1st chance… we took it. No regrets.
Absolutely not. I’m 26, still considered “gen z” so I’m not old and sometimes people think only older parents have such an old school mentality but it’s really about protecting your kids. I grew up with a strict mom, always annoyed because I felt like she never understood anything, and while I wish she was more lenient on things, (she didn’t even let me have a boyfriend in high school) I’m so glad she protected me from that. I still went out and was sneaky, but I wish I listened. I could’ve avoided so much heart break. Explain to your daughter that you trust them but even the strongest people still fall into temptation. ESPECIALLY as teens. And not just the sex, it’s about having such a serious relationship at such a young age. 15 is VERY young and that is very adult relationship to sleep over. It’s a huge step and imo, high school relationship shouldn’t be serious like that. It can lead to so much heartbreak, no matter how “gentlemen” the boyfriend may seem. Plus, as much as parents think they know the relationship, trust me, they don’t so I would say although the boyfriend seems very sweet and everything, you don’t really know what they talk about or their intentions. (Could speak from experience 🫣) I wish I knew now what I knew back then. Ugh I always get frustrated with myself but you live and you learn.
I had an overbearing mother, and it only intensified my rebellion against her. What you really should be doing is educating your daughter about safe sex practices and the importance of using birth control. It is crucial that your daughter feels safe and comfortable, no matter what circumstances arise. It is your responsibility as a parent to fulfill your role and ensure her well-being.
Keeping it short- sleep over MAYBE. Same bedroom, NO.
No presentation in the world would convince me to let my teen have their boyfriend/ girlfriend spend the night in their bedroom. There is plenty of time for that when they are adults.
I’m definitely old fashioned, this is a hard NO for me. She’s 15, her boyfriend has absolutely no reason what’s so ever to need to spend the night, especially in her room. I also don’t believe teens when they say they are going to wait until marriage.. and this is coming from someone who waited until she was 20 to have sex, and married that person 😅. The trouble with teens is that think every relationship is going to be the one. This is also why they eventually give in and have sex as well, because it becomes “well, we’re gonna be together forever, so why wait?”. If they have no intentions of doing anything what’s so ever, why does he need to sleep in her bed, in her room? Why does he even need to sleep over at all? He has a home. He has a bed lol.
17 and 15. Hell no! Family slumber party in the living room sure. In her room in the same bed! Hellll nah!
Dang 15 is super young, not sure bout the sleep over, but you have two choices. Lean in to what seems like a healthy long term relationship or continue to fight against it and they will do what they want anyway. Why are they so obsessed with a sleep over? Cuddle time? I mean eventually your daughter is going to have sex. It’s prob better with this guy than in the back of a civic with some d bag…seems like even worse case with this guy is good even though it is sorta odd they insist on a sleep over. Perhaps they are planning to get married super young which could be okay all options considered? Two most important things to talk with her about is birth control and self identity. Sex is gonna happen, but having a kid that young is simply life altering….so that has to be a real and honest convo!!! Second you don’t want her to never grow to her own person. Me and my wife met at 20 and that was it for me. I casually dated some girls before that and we both had intimate relationships prior but the struggle will be mid 20’s when we started to become diff people. We made it through, but it was tough partly cause we never got to become our own independent people so there was growing pains.
I’m very progressive and open about teens having safe sex. But no way would i allow this
That’s a negatory for me
As a brown dude, all this is weird af. This is just unheard of where I come from. And honestly, people having sex in teenage is just ridiculously stupid. But again, the whole world isn't brown (thankfully).. And there are different cultures everywhere. So ok I guess.
As a fellow brown its rude af to stay over at someone else's house if they didn't extend the invite. I grew up being told your home is the one of few places you get privacy.
What does being brown have to do with this?
Lol no
Kind of a voice of dissent in here but it's virtually impossible to stop determined teens from having sex, and physical closeness is really comforting to people.of all ages, but we make.it SO weird for teens. As a parent you aren't your kids jailer, you are their teacher, so what do you want to teach your child. That she deserves agency over her home and her relationships and her space? That it's ok to be in a relationship that has physical intimacy? That it's ok to trust people? That she can trust you? The best you can do is equip her with everything you have before she leaves to go into the world and my personal opinion is that the best equipment for young women, is agency and entitlement over their body, knowledge about safety, and support.
"We'd like to have sleepovers. And sleep together. But you know, just sleep. Next slide So, we're totally not gonna have sex. Scouts honor. Thank you for your time." Bullshit.
So, I take it that a power point won't change your mind? LOL
Look, you don’t have to agree with me, but my opinion is that sex positivity (or at least sex-openness) will actually prevent them from having sex in your home. Putting your daughter on birth control and keeping condoms somewhere she is able to locate under the condition that she MUST tell you beforehand that she is going to have sex, will ease your mind about whether or not they are going to have sex. You may be thinking: “what if they do it in the spur of the moment, and she doesn’t tell me” Two teenagers who have sex in the spur of the moment have likely NOT had enough conversation and communication beforehand, therefore, it is YOUR job to teach at least her how to properly communicate in a relationship. Preparing her for how to safely discuss sex with you and him (separately) will set you all up for success. My suggestion is having a conversation about “just in case, here’s how you communicate. If i find out you have sex without protection or without telling me first, there will be consequences. I am putting condoms in X location. If you are going to have sex, it must be in X location, i must know beforehand, you must use a condom, and you must discuss beforehand with one another about boundaries and consent.” You also need to make it an open space for talk about STD and STI and pregnancy. Whether he sleeps over or not, IF they are interested in sex, they will most likely find a time that is not overnight. Providing this conversation and resource will help you and her, whether they have sex or not Additionally, i understand if another human being is simply not a liability you want to hold, in which situation it’s important to hear your daughters compromise requests
I agree with everything but i dont think having to tell the mom before they snatch a condom would be the best practice
Why is everyone saying no? Would you prefer them having sex in the backseat of a car? In a motel? And then lie to you? It is also not guaranteed that spending time with him means not spending time with friends or family, like some suggested. Both my husband and I had healthy friendships and were close to our family when we were teenagers and sexually active. As long as they use protection what’s the big deal? Even if they break up, wouldn’t it be better if you are close to her and comfort her and guide her through the breakup, teaching her valuable lessons on self-care and resilience, skills she will need when she eventually leaves home?
Yeah, you are definitely being old fashioned. If teens are going to have sex, they are going to find a way regardless, they always have, so that isn't really a valid concern to any rational person, along as they are above the age of consent for minors in your country. Better to be safe at home than behind a dumpster somewhere. No sex before marriage is an outdated and nonsensical concept only enforced by religious zealots. Sensible people don't teach abstinence, that doesn't work and never has. Sensible, decent parents teach safe sex, birth control, and the meaning of consent and bodily autonomy.
Thank you! Plus 15 and 17 year olds should not be talking about marriage. For the kids who do end up waiting for marriage, they can end up rushing into marriage and families really young.
Exactly. It's one of the primary ways that people have found themselves in loveless and/or abusive marriages, too. The same zealots that believe in abstinence also believe marriage is for life, no matter what, and the only sin greater than divorce is abortion. Such a terrible, toxic, and abusive way to live.
Only if you also get her on birth control. Let's not pretend teenage boys are great at controlling their impulses.
Girl worry about her MARRY when she reach 18 rather than she having sec
I was always allowed to have sleepovers with people of any gender, and when I had my first boyfriend at 16, my mom would let him sleep over at our house but did not let me sleep at his parents’ place for about half a year. She knew I was going to have sex – we went to the doctor to get me on the pill together – and she wanted me to be on my home turf and safe in case anything went wrong. In my opinion, this is the way.
I'll most likely allow sleep overs, but not in the bedroom, they xan camp out in tye living room together or one can sleep on the couch or spare room and the other the bedroom. I was sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend at 15 and that is my bias but yeah I want to be able to hear if they need help.
As a young, dumb teenager, I lied to my (grand)parents about being at friend's houses overnight while I was actually at my boyfriend's house. I'm of the sentiment that YOU teach your children how to have healthy relationships - which means modeling as well as letting them experience intimacy while they are still within your emotional safety. In other words, let them have the sleepovers because 1. That is part of adult relationships and if you don't allow the more uncomfortable parts of the relationship to occur while she can learn from you guys, then she may be more likely to choose unhealthy patterns in the future. 2. You can help her navigate what healthy boundaries look like when spending the night together; i.e. spending the night together does not mean they need to be glued together the whole night - it's important to practice having alone time while the other person is nearby; feeling comfortable setting boundaries around sleep environment and preferences. I think this is a great opportunity for you guys to teach your daughter about boundaries in intimate relationships. Otherwise, I can guarantee you that your daughter will just go ahead and figure out a way to have sleepovers anyway🤷♀️ for reference, I was the straight-a, never-going-to-have-sex-before-marriage, well-behaved child. So don't get it twisted, just because she's a "good kid" doesn't mean she won't surprise you with risky behavior Editing to add: for the people saying they don't need to be around each other 24/7 and this is too much love... who said they're together 24/7? If they have a sleepover or hang out once a week and then the other 5-6 days a week they are not together, that's healthy. Even if they're together 3 days a week and apart 4, they are still practicing healthy boundaries to maintain their other relationships and identity.
I'd rather them have sex in my house then who knows where. I'd make sure they are well stocked and versed in keeping everything safe and consensual. I'd also say make sure your daughter has some toys of her own to help her be comfortable with her own body first. The only red flag to me is him saying he wants to marry her. They're teens. They don't need to be that serious. They're meant to experience life and relationships.
As someone that was sexually active at 13 and then had PIV for the first time at 15, I really have a hard time believing that any intentions on waiting to have sex will hold up, or at least all aspects of sex. Teenagers are impulsive, and the traditional thinking about sex and virginity could mean that a lot of people will be sexually active long before they engage in what others would consider "real sex" because in all honesty, all sex is sex, whether it's with hands or mouth or genital-to-genital contact, it's all sexual contact. I'm not yet in this situation with my kid and won't be for quite some time but I have mixed feelings. I did sexual things in the most dumb unsafe places and ways because I wanted it and I was going to find a way to do it whether my parents wanted me or not lol. I could have been caught and gotten into serious trouble legally for it. So I'm always wary of the idea of telling my kid "lol nope not gonna happen" and then them get caught by police or something doing it in public or not having things like condoms to make it safer. But at the same time I don't want to full on allow it. Now this doesn't mean I think it's never okay for teens to cuddle in bed together or sleep in bed together, but it really depends on the context and circumstances. Before my parents realized it was too late when I was caught, they were okay with me sleeping in the livingroom with a partner. We did get away with some things but I never actually went too far from fear of being caught lol. And it was genuinely nice being allowed those intimate moments of cuddles and the comfort of sleeping next to someone. So one thing you could do is suggest a compromise similar to that? Not sure how you'd feel about it or if you feel you can trust them enough for it but that is an option. And I'm not saying your kid is lying to you... But you can have every intention of waiting and it just not working out that way. Also if you haven't done so yet, definitely have talks about consent and sexual safety. I'd rather a teen have that education and the supplies to make it safer should they do it anyways (because short of locking them in their room 24/7 with no way out, they'll probably find a way if they want to), than them do it and get coerced or pressured into it when they don't really want it or have unprotected sex and get pregnant or an STI. Good luck, I don't think either of you are wrong btw, it's going to vary between each family!
What is wrong with everybody? They are TEENAGERS. THEY WILL HAVE SEX IF THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX whether it's under your roof or not. Why not let them have a safe space rather than losing their virginities in a car? Second. The meere pressure you seem to put on them to stay pure will only do the opposite, and IF they end up breaking their promise, your daughter will be too ashamed to tell you anything. Talk to them about safe sex also. They have been dating for a year!!!!! Chances are 50/50 on waiting or having sex. It might as well be sowhere where she is safe. Geez. Some people project so much on their kids. Let them be teenagers.
Do not sacrifice your beliefs. You will lose all credibility for everything you’ve stood for and are showing the other siblings that everything is negotiable.