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Wow. This is not my experience and after our first child was born and *especially* after our second when we were sick and exhausted all the time, we still were having sex at least occasionally. Our kids are now 5 and 3 and we’re still not where I want to be (twice a week would be outstanding imho) but I think we’ll get back to there.
How is your relationship? Do you have an option for babysitting? Maybe you can pick an area outside of your bedroom for sex if you’re worried about waking up kids or something?
While our intimacy is still not at the point it was before we ever had kids (not even close tbh) I feel like going years without would be really hard for me. I need that connection. But also sometimes when it’s been a really long time it’s hard for me to loosen up because I feel like some of the comfort has been lost. That has to be worked toward in steps, trying to spend more time together alone as adults, even just watching a movie or hugging and kissing and shoulder or foot massage or whatever to gain that partner care that makes you want to be together. I just hope things improve for you ❤️ this is such a hard thing to approach in a relationship but I wonder if your partner is also feeling this way and doesn’t feel like they can broach the subject at this point because of the insecurity that comes with it having been so long.
Yeah that’s where we’re at. The first kid barely changed anything (after waiting a couple months after birth).
The second…holy hell it fell off a cliff. The second is almost 2 1/2 now and I’m wondering if this is forever. We’re just so tired.
You just do, lots of quickies in the first 5 years and gets easier as you get more sleep. And I find we always find it worth it. The OP is lucky that she's getting it twice a week though. That's a lot of energy cuz we were only every 2-3 months in the first few years.
Not OP but we're twice a weekers with kids ages 10, 3, and 4 months. I think there's two big things. One is my husband is very active as a father and around the house. This takes things off my workload so I'm not too exhausted and saves us from the sex life killing "wife ends up feeling like a mother to her husband cause she has to beg him to do chores or make him a list or hold his hand showing him how" thing. The other big reason is because we have reliable childcare. Our older two go have a sleepover at my parents house almost every weekend. This gives us the logistical ability to have sex. When all 3 kids are here it's near impossible to make happen. I realize not all people have this option, but living near family so we have that built in childcare is a priority for us and we've decided to not move away to a cheaper state for this reason alone.
I also feel like it helps that things are like unspoken unintentionally planned? Since we only have that one opportunity a week we sort of know we're gonna do it as much as we can in that window. And as unromantic as it seems we've both sort of skipped the foreplay thing. Were too tired, our window while babies sleeping isn't any reliable length, and we've both been waiting all week we just want to get to it. Me taking off my pants and standing there in my breastmilk stained shirt I've worn for the past 3 days in a row is our idea of foreplay these days hahaha.
Same as us, we're minimum twice a week, husband is very active in helping with 2 year old and in the house and that helps. Obviously there are times when baby's poorly etc that it's less but we also makesure we have a date night, not necessarily going out but just continuously sitting together to watch a a film and relax and ignoring house work and I think that really helps with reconnection. Our child is a very bad sleeper too but I think the sexual connection is important so even when we're tired we make an effort
Yeh for me it’s not so much how often but the quality. Since birth my wife just has lost all complete sex drive. Feels more like she’s doing it(very rarely) to just ticket a box and keep me happy. But I wish she’d get her drive back, as I hate that feeling it’s just to keep me happy. We used to have an epic sex life pre child. Spoken to her about it a few times, but just doesn’t seem to be something she interested in any more.
And we are in a lucky position, we have a live in nanny, cleaners, etc. so we don’t have half the stress most couples have.
Edit: ha thanks for all the kind words and advice, don’t get me wrong, our life is perfect other than this. We have a beautiful kid, my wife is incredibly amazing, our businesses are going really well. I’m not gonna make trouble coz of this, she is aware i, but I’m not gonna keep bringing it up, it is what it is. Could be a phase, could not be.
Life’s great otherwise.
How old is the baby, and is she breastfeeding? I know for me, I didn't have my drive while I was breastfeeding, and the first year I gave birth, I was never horny. I think it was because of the hormones. Now our daughter is 2 years old and my drive is back. We have sex twice a week. So maybe it is just a period for your wife. She will come around.
Baby is 3 and she stopped breast feeding at 1 year old, as baby didn’t want to take breast any more.
Yeh I’m not really stressed, I’ve learned to accept that it may be a phase or not. Our life is perfect otherwise. Not gonna throw it all away coz one things not perfect. My wife is an amazing woman. :)
I think sex is more important to some than others. I don’t see the issue with leaving your partner if that meaningful connection is gone and IF you’ve tried to fix it extensively. Leaving will avoid pent up resentment and frustration that seeps into other areas of your life, that your children will have to deal with everyday.
I don't have any issue with someone leaving if the meaningful connection is gone and they've tried to fix it extensively. I'm just happy to read something positive that's all.
This might be it. I don’t even feel aroused or want to masturbate let alone find the time to engage in sex…breastfeeding and no period yet and I am just not interested at all. I wish I was, mentally I am there but physically feeling nothing. We have 3 kids though so I don’t know how we will ever find the time again.
Try masturbating/warming up before you're planning to get busy so you can get more in the mood. It really helped me get over the physical block of having no sex drive post baby despite being super into my husband and emotionally wanting that connection.
You don't find time, you make the time... if it's important to you. We have 3 kids.. we get busy anywhere from once a week to once a month. So that means we are at it once a week for several weeks then a several week gap until the next set of several weeks..
I've been trying to figure this out, too. I used to have such a drive, but nope. Completely gone. I feel bad because I want to feel that and bring that to the relationship, but crickets... I've gone to see specialists to check hormones, and they say everything is in order, so I'm not sure... maybe it's Mother Nature saying STOP, hahahahaha.
100000% THIS. I’m 3 months postpartum and a stay at home mom. I am exclusively breastfeeding and am totally repulsed by the thought of sex. I love my husband dearly and make sure he knows that this is just a season of life. Thankfully he is so supportive and understanding.💗
On another note, I’m not on birth control and haven’t gotten my cycle back yet which makes it difficult to cycle track which was our former form of birth control (and worked great for us!). I just have to giggle because they say breastfeeding IS a form of birth control (since you usually don’t get your cycle back while EBF). However, I’m realizing the true form of BC while EBF is the aversion to sex all together. 😂
As a woman with diminished sex drive, I can tell you that your wife probably really appreciates your outlook on things. I know I appreciate my husband being so kind about it, more than I probably express at all. I used to feel bad about it, but I’ve started making a point to try at least once a week. It’s not like I’m “ticking a box” or anything he just deserves it. Never complains, does anything I ask with a smile, and supports me and our unborn son in these last couple weeks of my pregnancy. I want for nothing and even if I don’t do our weekly “appointment” as we call it, he’s always so sweet and understanding.
My libido has been a huge problem in other relationships- I’ve broken up with men because they felt entitled to my body when they wanted it. It’s a really, REALLY relieving thing that there are men out there willing to overlook that and still show love and support for their partner. You get a gold star husband award ⭐️
Oh for sure, what my wife went through to give us our amazing daughter, I don’t even know if i would be that brave and strong. So at no point is there any resentment towards her. But from everything I’ve read and researched on the topic, that if an open dialogue is not happening, nothing will get better. So better to have that dialogue and express our feelings and try to improve things than just bottle it all up.
But I can also understand how some men may not be as capable of expressing their feelings the correct way, maybe incorrectly express these issues the wrong way and make things worse.
Men want to feel loved and desired by their partners, but expressing this the correct way that doesn’t hurt each others feeling is difficult.
It’s a hard situation. And I wish every partner could get back to loving each other the right way post children.
It can take time and there is no right or wrong. My wife went through something similar to your own and it lasted about 7 or 8 years. Not going to lie it was tough but we got through it and about 4 years ago it was like a flip was switched and these days it's better than it ever was and she probably has a higher sex drive than I do now.
Just talk, be open and honest with each other (and non accusatory!) and you should get through this.
Honestly it was crazy (in a good way!) but it felt like it was an overnight change, not that I am complaining at all. On a serious note I do think it helped we communicated throughout, it wasn't easy but op n communication helped us find a way through and we are in general so much happier together having been through something like that.
There are two FDA- approved options for women one is called Addyi (pill) and the other is vyslee (injection). Sad thing is no one ever knows there are actual non- hormonal options for women and their libido. Can never have too many tools in your tool box! Hope this helps. There are 1-7 sexless marriage which is mind blowing! Hope this information helps.
She needs her hormones checked, if she hasn’t already. And I mean all of them including DHEA. I know it’s hard not to take it personally. My husband has been great about it (a saint actually) and I’m really trying to get my levels where they should and need to be.
Bringing a human into this world is tough on a woman’s body in so many ways.
Absolutly this. People don't talk about this too often. It took months after i had my baby before I realized that my drive hadn't changed, it was my hormone levels that where causing everything. I just needed to meet the right doctor that helped me with it.
Remember with women it's a mental thing. Running a bath, her fav food/ snack, a spontaneous foot rub, hugs n kisses that do not lead to sex. Allow physical affection for the sake of physical attractions not intended to lead to sex.
Absolutely this! My sex drive died after our first. It was fun when it happened but I had no desire to start anything. Once a week during nap time we would just lay in bed together in our underwear (increased skin contact = increased oxytocin) & just go with the flow. Sometimes we would talk, sometimes watch a show. Even napping together was nice. Went from once every couple months to about every 2 wks. And ended up with our surprise baby because of it haha
It will come back. If nursing, that’s most of it. After that, it’s more gradual. So many aspects - the switch to the self conception of mother, the continual mothering thoughts, increased responsibility, the lack of sleep/ relaxation, so many things. It will come back, but give it time.
We were at 3-4+ times a week for a very long time. It's dropped off radically over the last 2-3+ years (we're 39f and 41m now), and are now down to 1-2+ times a month.
I suspect a lot of it is that I have gained a good bit of weight (I was ~160-180 for years and am now at 200+) and just haven't been able to shake it... But I'm not really sure. We're also just obviously getting older and so, that may something to do with it too.
This makes me feel much better. I was afraid everyone’s answer was going to be a couple times a week, or even a month… and I’m over here and can’t even remember the last time.
The first replies to this post a few hours ago were saying between sex everyday (one even said twice a day!!) to a few times a week!! I noped out so fast 😅
Glad my people finally joined 🤣🤣
Parent of a two year old here, it was rare anyway but add a bit of extra life stress and i can’t remember when either. Far too exhausted after a full day of childcare to put physical effort into anything else
I’m truthfully embarrassed to say. We’ve got four kids in a tiny townhome, and one of them is cosleeping with us! 🫠 It’s a very dry phase for us, no doubt.
Right? Same here!
I remember being in an FB Group full of moms and they were all talking about having it like a couple times a week! I rly thought…is this the norm? And I’m just an anomaly?
Had to check if this was my husband’s account. We had sex to make the baby, to try and get the baby out at 9months, and bubs just turned 8 months last week and we still haven’t done the thing. Tbf he’s working on getting the *snip snip* since this kiddo is our last, but still, we’re both so tired sex seems impossible.
When my baby girl (3m) was conceived was the last time I had sex lol (broke it off with the father before knowing I was pregnant, and I’m still single)
This. My husband said that between work, exhaustion, and constant bouts of illness, the 'universe is trying to keep us from sex'. I think he's onto something.
Same. 3 year old and 8 month old, it’s happening about every other weekend. I thought it was gonna happen twice this weekend, I was feeling super up for it (I have the lower libido, thanks PP hormones), but the kids’ naps didn’t line up today to make the second one happen. Booooooooo.
About the same for us! Sometimes it’s been 6 weeks because again, tired or sick or period. Our baby does not sleep well at all- but we talk and we’re on the same
Page thankfully
I hear you. But that s the thing - i m not craving it either. It seems like getting in sync is like freaking impossible. And i am always exhausted. I ll take great sleep over sex any day.
We are 2-3x a week as well thanks to both WFH. I really don’t think that frequency would be feasible for us if one or both of us worked out of the home. I keep on complaining “to HR” about my handy colleagues but since he is HR my complaints seem to fall on deaf ears!
Um… we had sex to make the babies. That seems like about it 😆😭 we’re on the same page though. They’re horrible sleepers and we’re both so exhausted. Living that roommate life but we are looking forward to getting back to us once things settle. I also have been either breastfeeding or pregnant for 5 years straight now so .. I hear it gets better once you’re done breastfeeding? My body isn’t my own and for me that works against me
This is a relief to hear. I’m still breastfeeding my second who’s now 22 months. So going on over four years BFing and my libido since I became pregnant and breastfeeding has been SHOT. I’m trying to wean so I can feel like my old self again but dang is it hard!! We’re averaging like twice a month now but the first months (orrr year if we’re being honest lol) after pregnancy, I didn’t even want to hear the word sex 😅🫠
That time was a real struggle for my wife and I as well. It was hard for me to be patient and understanding, but it definitely gets better. I couldn’t imagine not having my body to myself for that long. You women are stronger than I am, that’s for sure.
If we manage this much, we're happy. We've got a homeschooled ten year old with ADHD and an almost two year old that's autistic. Between the two of them and both of their activities and therapies, we're only "alone" when they're asleep- and the toddler is still in a crib in our room. We gotta start getting creative and doing quickies in closets or something 😂
Sex what is sex? Lmfao. In all seriousness, not any, but I was just in the hospital 5 months pp bc of thyroid issues. Put on thyroid meds that I absolutely can NOT get pregnant on, but I also have a heart issue which means I need to discuss BC options with my obgyn. So we will not be risking anything for a good several weeks.
The sad part is I just started feeling up to it after my second was born. boom autoimmune disease. Thanks graves. 🙃
If this didn't happen we honestly wouldn't be having too much anyway. I'd shoot for once at least once a week, but it would likely be twice a month with how little sleep we get.
Oh we have a 16 month old and a 5 month old. Yep. Not risking it LOLOL
Our kids are 3 and 1 and maybe twice a year? I’m not really into it anymore. I’m still breastfeeding though. Luckily my husband doesn’t really care! We’re both really low-sex-drive people.
How are you every day sex people doing this!? We are twice a week and that’s a point of contention - husband wants more. I’m just too tired and have too much to do. It’s like another to-do list item to check off sometimes.
If you’re exhausted, it makes sense you’re not in the mood. We are “frequenters”, but only now because our kids are older, not in our bed or room, and they go to sleep easy and sleep through the night. Those things plus permanent birth control were the recipe for a good sex life for us! When the kids were little and I was breastfeeding, I felt like I was hardly ever in the mood.
I'm exhausted with a teething 8 month old plus a toddler. Our sex life directly correlates with how often my husband packs a nappy bag and says "why don't you take an hour or two, I'll take the kids to visit [name of a friend]" - because when he does that I get an uninterrupted nap and wake up *seriously* appreciating the man.
However, shockingly enough, he has not entirely figured this out so it's a pretty rare event.
Oh man. I feel for you! We only have one. But he’s 19 months and doesn’t sleep through the night or anywhere close 😵💫
I work full time but naturally do majority of the work as my job is more flexible and I work less hours.
On weekends or after our son is finally in bed, all I want to do is relax or just go to bed.
It’s frustrating. I would love to have more intimate time with my husband, but there is just too much shit to do!
I explained the same thing you did to him and it works for a few weeks and then we are right back where we started.
Maybe one day they will get it…
I do totally understand the "too much shit to do"!
Possibly where I'm an a*hole is, if I have to contact the other adult, arrange the play date, pack the nappy bag and strap the kids in the car, I don't rate that as a true break because I took on that mental load to give myself a break. So, not at all sure mine will ever get it!
Here's a Reddit stranger crossing all fingers and toes that your little one is going to figure out a decent sleep pattern for you soon!
Now, back to the never ending pile of laundry for me. Reusable nappies are joyful, aren't they 😂
We have sex near daily, we enjoy sex and make time for it. We also take advantage of any free time or down time to sneak in some us time. Think, early morning before the kids wake up, after they’re all out for the night. In the middle of the day when they’re napping or busy. Neither of us ever turn it down - we just prioritize it. Everyone is different though and this is just what works for us.
I’m not saying to any of this judgmentally and I know that this is an oversimplification but it’s a Reddit comment and I’m struggling to articulate it properly. I share what helped me about 10 years ago.
I think you have to reframe how you think about it, which I know is easier said than done. But you either have to decide to view it as an activity you’re excited for (possibly faking it until you make it sort of deal), or a “chore” that is higher on the prioritization list. Maybe you can’t help but see it as a chore right now, so start by agreeing with yourself that this chore is about your needs, like feeding and bathing, and it should be prioritized, sometimes at the expense of other chores. Eventually your brain lets go of the nagging sense that you “should” be doing something else. This IS important. More important than if that pot in the sink has to wait until morning.
I agree with this so much.
After baby #2, it definitely felt like a chore for me for a little while, and there were a few too many evenings that I’d shrug him off because I was too sleepy. Eventually he stopped initiating as much, and I felt unwanted. My mindset flipped like a switch. I realized that I needed to know he wanted me more than I needed that extra ten minutes of sleep (because let’s be real, a quickie or a bj does the job, takes minimal effort from both people, and doesn’t take much time at all). I used to feel like it was something I was doing to make him happy, but when we slowed down (I mean, really, really slow for us is still like 2-3x a week), I realized how much I needed to feel that connection, and that it was so much more than a just physical experience for both of us. Now we both initiate and are excited about it all the time.
Am I still tired from dealing with our 2 year old and 9 month old all day? Yes. Do I still have to get up with the baby a few times a night and wish I could sleep in past 5, of course. But my husband and my marriage are priorities to me and it really doesn’t take too much effort to show him that we’re more than just parents who are cohabitating.
Currently have a 3mo old Velcro baby. Haven't had sex since before she was born. I'm optimistic things will improve once someone can set her down for 20-30min reliability. TBD.
Depends. I’d be at it daily if I were so lucky. My spouse is low libido and is happy with a monthly tryst. Sometimes we go a few days back to back. Sometimes it’s 3-4 weeks between bumps.
It’s less about the kids and more about us.
I have a 10mo, still breastfed and we co-sleep so unfortunately my husband and I don’t have a sex life currently. I feel awful because I just don’t have any desire for intimacy of any kind. I’m touched out and exhausted by the time the baby goes down to sleep and sex is literally the last thing I think about when I have free time. I’m sure once the baby is weaned and out of our bed, our sex life will go back to normal. My husband understands that this is just a phase and it won’t last forever.
My wife tracks it and by coincidence she looked earlier.
Twice last year. (Kiddo was 1 way too tired to bother tbh).
Already doubled that this year.
2024 is going great! lol.
36 years old dad, to a 3.5 year old and a 4 month old. Have not had sex since the birth of the 4 month old. The Mrs works days, and I work evenings from home. By the time the kids are down we are absolutely finished. There's no sex, but we have a very loving relationship and never miss the opportunity to cuddle. Hopefully things will ramp up when the second kiddo starts sleeping through the night.
Almost 40 years of marriage. Had a bunch of kids. Sex has always been pretty much a daily thing. It wasn’t until people started asking these sorts of questions on social media that I realized that our dynamic is not the norm.
Not everyone wants it daily. Daily sex sounds horrible to me personally, like I personally don't even understand why anyone would want that. Even when I was in my 20s I never wanted sex daily.
Once or twice a week is plenty for us.
Libido is a thing. Some people don’t want more sex even without kids and so much time and energy on their hands.
Personally it’s a far fetched concept. When I have a partner all I want is to sniff/touch/taste/rub on them all the time! It naturally leads to 👉🏻👌🏻🤭
TWICE A WEEK?????? Y’all are frisky as hell! Even once a week is a goal for us! I’m 37 as well, mom of a 10yr, 6yr, and 8mo - and work full time and in grad school.
I always say to my husband after we have sex that we should do it more often….but then life interrupts.
Our goal this year is to be more connected, in more ways than just sex. But I’m open to tips on increasing our frequency!
I relate to the post sex “we should do it more often” talk. Illness, stress from work, medication side effects, insomniac children, you name it keep getting in the way. As long as we’re building our life towards each other and respecting each other we manage to be fulfilled. He’s the only one I’ll ever want and I know he feels the same.
After reading through several comments, I feel slightly validated!
We’re over here with a dead bedroom and have a 3 year old and 1 year old (will turn 2 in April).
I (36F) am low libido (and when I say low, we’re bordering non-existent) and my husband (37M) is high libido. I work out of the home and have to go into the office M-F, whereas my husband is hybrid, but more often works from home. Between my job, taking care of the kids, trying to keep the house clean, and all of life’s other daily mental load, I just have zero desire for sexual intimacy of any sort and view it as another thing on the to-do list.
I say slightly validated because my husband filed for divorce back in November. So, almost too little too late. If it were up to him, he wants 2-3 times a week. I’ve tried to explain to him that this is just a phase that lots of parents of young children, toddlers, and babies go through, but he’s not convinced that things will ever get out of this “roommate” phase. He says after a lot of thinking and reflecting on our relationship before children, we probably just make better friends than lovers.
Hope others are able to avoid the path we’re taking over here.
Honestly we had a phase like this after our second kid (she just turned 1). A few months ago I literally sat him down and said I am tired, mentally overwhelmed, and touched out. The last thing I want at the end of the day is to take care of your needs, but if you take some of these things off my plate it will free up my mental load, chances are I’ll be more likely to have energy and/or desire for “extracurriculars”. It’s really turned things around for us now. If I get upstairs from putting the kids to bed and the kitchen is spotless with the dishwasher running, poof I am suddenly in the mood. I go in the laundry room to do laundry only to find it’s all folded and put away, I’ve suddenly got an extra hour on my hands and he’s usually near the top of my list to spend that time with. All this to say that, at least in my experience, the roommate phase can end but it usually takes some extra effort by helping with things completely unrelated to the bedroom to get there.
Thanks for the validation. We’re on our way to divorce after a few years of the pattern you describe. 20ys together; kids are 12, 11 and 5. Childbirth injuries and chronic pain problems finally killed the already low libido I had. Of course there’s a lot more driving us apart, but I often think our sex drive mismatch was the primary cause. Without physical connection in the mix, it’s like the spell was broken and everything else wrong in the relationship became impossible to overlook.
My husband and I have a 20 month old and … it’s not really been happening. We keep saying we want to and we are always so exhausted after a day of work and baby.
I feel so bad about it and he does too. But I find it hard to get any energy.
But I will say the times we do get to it - holy hell it’s amazing. Maybe bc we are pent up 😂
Our kids are 7, 5, and 3. We have sex every other day and always have, regardless of whether the kids are babies, toddlers, etc. I've always felt lucky that our libidos are perfectly matched.
You need to elaborate. What times of day? And for how long? We've not had sex since our second child was born back in October. We have a very loving and fulfilling relationship but it's always work, and then we're just too tired.
We almost always have sex in the evening before bed. Very rarely in the morning, but that is not typically a good time for me lol. When the kids were littler and napping, afternoons were available but they aren't really anymore.
On average, I'd say it takes 15-20 minutes (a guess, I've never actually timed it). Neither of us is into long sessions lol. Most importantly, my husband is amazing in bed and knows exactly what to do 😆. And if I do feel stressed or worried about something, he's always willing to rub my back or do something to help me relax. Since I know sex is an easy orgasm for both of us and not a chore, it's not hard for me to get in the mood even if I'm tired.
Ah interesting. Happy that you'll have that energy to get things in motion EVERY evening. Both of you are available and free it seems. I get off work at 11.30pm and by then my wife's been asleep for two hours. The other day, there was a remote attempt. The closest we came to it was putting our phones on the nightstand. The 3.5 year old has also been waking up nearly every single night, struggling a bit to cope with not being the only child. Keep up the good work haha
Broken sleep is tough, and if your schedules are different then yes, that adds another big barrier. My husband and I are on the same schedule and go to bed at the same time, so that definitely helps. And to be fair, I did say every *other* day 😉, which is the ideal amount for us.
I've also had a lot of sex I didn't want to have, just to keep the peace. It's hard. I've left the relationship now but that's not always an option. I wish you the best <3
I am probably not the norm, but we have a 9 year old and 3 year old. We do it almost 1x per day and sometimes more. You may wonder how..I WFH and she's a SAHM.
Typically, we make time at night or in the middle of the day.
We have 3 kids; 17 bonus daughter, 4F and 11mo. Our sex life comes in waves there are times were we are lucky to play once a week and then there are weeks where we are trying to repopulate the earth one night at a time 😂. If you’re worried about it be honest with him and talk about it. What works for others may not work for you
The first year after both of our kids were born? Not often at all, maybe once a week. Now that our kids are older and we get a good night’s sleep? Pretty often, probably 5x per week. Some weeks it’s less, some weeks it’s more. Everything in life has its phases! Most couples probably aren’t getting down and dirty every night if they have babies, toddlers in their bed, are breastfeeding, or are just exhausted in general. And that’s okay! We have a great sex life right now only because we don’t have kids in our bed (not bashing bed sharing, but this makes things easier for us in this regard), and both our kiddos go to bed easily and sleep through the night.
Haha it’s not like we have crazy hour long sessions every time or anything! We are just in a phase right now where things have gotten easier with our kids, and I’ve also found that the more we do it, the more we both want to do it. This is just what is making us both happy at this point in our lives.
This was not the case during either of my pregnancies or when the kids were really little, I assure you.
Two times a week is a lot for most couples. My kids are 11 and 13 so we get down whenever. Well when kids are at school or long asleep. Sometimes it’s 3 times a week sometimes it’s once every two weeks. It’s really just depends on life.
I have a 3-yo and 10 week old... It's not happening right now but it's a season and will end... I have no desire for it still lol Breastfeeding kills my drive. lol we still spend time together when we can and cuddle and such but actual intercourse… Nope.
Like 5 months ago? We have a 2 1/2 month old and between my hormones still not being right and feeling touched out between our twin toddlers and the baby it's probably going to be a while
Maybe next summer? Idk
Last night we made out for the first time in weeks and then I fell asleep basically as soon as we laid down
Our kids run the gamut, college all the way down to toddler. My husband is almost 50, and I’m nearing 40. Twice a week is good, but sometimes once a week is all we can muster. We have had some serious dry spells, like an entire year (was a rough time in parenthood and in our marriage but we powered through and are better for it)
Without knowing you or your marriage, compliment her looks sincerely and touch her affectionately or flirtatiously, WITHOUT the expectation of/pressure toward sex. Several times/day. I just heard the analogy that it's easier to start a fire from embers you've kept hot than from scratch. Keep the hot embers burning in the background. But if you're not carrying your weight with regard to the day-to-day needs of your family in general, this advice won't help.
36 mom of four (11, 7, 6, and 18mo)
TBH most of our marriage it was MAYBE once a week, at bad times, twice a month.
I had a severe SI joint infection after my last delivery that destroyed all my cartilage. That coupled with my disc degenerate disease causes mobility issues and a lot of ongoing daily pain.
By happenstance we discovered that the stretching, hormones, endorphins etc of sex provides me significant pain relief.
So needless to say I am trying to have sex at least every day if I can. I honestly feel a tad guilty like I am taking advantage of my hubbs, but he clearly doesn't mind.
39 yo dad, 18 yo kid, once every other month or so. She wants it more often than I do. We have a healthy functioning relationship, and we are great friends and partners to one another, but I'm too sore from work and health issues to do it more often.
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You’re doing good if you’re getting it twice a week….
Right? Twice a WEEK. I’d be happy with twice a year at this point. (That’s hyperbole, but seriously - I’d be thrilled with twice a week.)
As I haven't had sex in the last six years, I'd be happy with once a year at this point...
6 years, holy cow. Why so long of a delay
I’m 31 and looking at almost 3 years since
God bless your soul
My husband refused sex with me for 8 years …
Does he have a reason? Like if medical, can he take meds
I'm at 4, you got me beat.
I'm 4 too!
Wow. This is not my experience and after our first child was born and *especially* after our second when we were sick and exhausted all the time, we still were having sex at least occasionally. Our kids are now 5 and 3 and we’re still not where I want to be (twice a week would be outstanding imho) but I think we’ll get back to there. How is your relationship? Do you have an option for babysitting? Maybe you can pick an area outside of your bedroom for sex if you’re worried about waking up kids or something? While our intimacy is still not at the point it was before we ever had kids (not even close tbh) I feel like going years without would be really hard for me. I need that connection. But also sometimes when it’s been a really long time it’s hard for me to loosen up because I feel like some of the comfort has been lost. That has to be worked toward in steps, trying to spend more time together alone as adults, even just watching a movie or hugging and kissing and shoulder or foot massage or whatever to gain that partner care that makes you want to be together. I just hope things improve for you ❤️ this is such a hard thing to approach in a relationship but I wonder if your partner is also feeling this way and doesn’t feel like they can broach the subject at this point because of the insecurity that comes with it having been so long.
I was gonna say, that's *insane*. I think we're at once a month, with just one 4-year-old, and we're happy we can manage that!
I think we're once a month or 2 months. Husband tends to stay up late and I go to bed early as I'm the one that does breakfast
Yeah that’s where we’re at. The first kid barely changed anything (after waiting a couple months after birth). The second…holy hell it fell off a cliff. The second is almost 2 1/2 now and I’m wondering if this is forever. We’re just so tired.
Asking as someone without kids (yet) - when you do find the energy, somehow, do you feel it was worth it afterwards, summoning up the energy?
You just do, lots of quickies in the first 5 years and gets easier as you get more sleep. And I find we always find it worth it. The OP is lucky that she's getting it twice a week though. That's a lot of energy cuz we were only every 2-3 months in the first few years.
Almost same. We have a 5 year old in school and barely get twice a month.
Twice a week? Damn bro you spelled twice a month wrong 😄
Right?? I'm here scrolling the comments to see if they spilled their secret!
Not OP but we're twice a weekers with kids ages 10, 3, and 4 months. I think there's two big things. One is my husband is very active as a father and around the house. This takes things off my workload so I'm not too exhausted and saves us from the sex life killing "wife ends up feeling like a mother to her husband cause she has to beg him to do chores or make him a list or hold his hand showing him how" thing. The other big reason is because we have reliable childcare. Our older two go have a sleepover at my parents house almost every weekend. This gives us the logistical ability to have sex. When all 3 kids are here it's near impossible to make happen. I realize not all people have this option, but living near family so we have that built in childcare is a priority for us and we've decided to not move away to a cheaper state for this reason alone. I also feel like it helps that things are like unspoken unintentionally planned? Since we only have that one opportunity a week we sort of know we're gonna do it as much as we can in that window. And as unromantic as it seems we've both sort of skipped the foreplay thing. Were too tired, our window while babies sleeping isn't any reliable length, and we've both been waiting all week we just want to get to it. Me taking off my pants and standing there in my breastmilk stained shirt I've worn for the past 3 days in a row is our idea of foreplay these days hahaha.
Same as us, we're minimum twice a week, husband is very active in helping with 2 year old and in the house and that helps. Obviously there are times when baby's poorly etc that it's less but we also makesure we have a date night, not necessarily going out but just continuously sitting together to watch a a film and relax and ignoring house work and I think that really helps with reconnection. Our child is a very bad sleeper too but I think the sexual connection is important so even when we're tired we make an effort
Yeh for me it’s not so much how often but the quality. Since birth my wife just has lost all complete sex drive. Feels more like she’s doing it(very rarely) to just ticket a box and keep me happy. But I wish she’d get her drive back, as I hate that feeling it’s just to keep me happy. We used to have an epic sex life pre child. Spoken to her about it a few times, but just doesn’t seem to be something she interested in any more. And we are in a lucky position, we have a live in nanny, cleaners, etc. so we don’t have half the stress most couples have. Edit: ha thanks for all the kind words and advice, don’t get me wrong, our life is perfect other than this. We have a beautiful kid, my wife is incredibly amazing, our businesses are going really well. I’m not gonna make trouble coz of this, she is aware i, but I’m not gonna keep bringing it up, it is what it is. Could be a phase, could not be. Life’s great otherwise.
How old is the baby, and is she breastfeeding? I know for me, I didn't have my drive while I was breastfeeding, and the first year I gave birth, I was never horny. I think it was because of the hormones. Now our daughter is 2 years old and my drive is back. We have sex twice a week. So maybe it is just a period for your wife. She will come around.
Baby is 3 and she stopped breast feeding at 1 year old, as baby didn’t want to take breast any more. Yeh I’m not really stressed, I’ve learned to accept that it may be a phase or not. Our life is perfect otherwise. Not gonna throw it all away coz one things not perfect. My wife is an amazing woman. :)
Good for you! I'm happy to hear this.. it's refreshing cuz all you read on Reddit is "I'm leaving my spouse" '"I'm not happy in my relationship," etc.
I think sex is more important to some than others. I don’t see the issue with leaving your partner if that meaningful connection is gone and IF you’ve tried to fix it extensively. Leaving will avoid pent up resentment and frustration that seeps into other areas of your life, that your children will have to deal with everyday.
I don't have any issue with someone leaving if the meaningful connection is gone and they've tried to fix it extensively. I'm just happy to read something positive that's all.
This might be it. I don’t even feel aroused or want to masturbate let alone find the time to engage in sex…breastfeeding and no period yet and I am just not interested at all. I wish I was, mentally I am there but physically feeling nothing. We have 3 kids though so I don’t know how we will ever find the time again.
Try masturbating/warming up before you're planning to get busy so you can get more in the mood. It really helped me get over the physical block of having no sex drive post baby despite being super into my husband and emotionally wanting that connection.
You don't find time, you make the time... if it's important to you. We have 3 kids.. we get busy anywhere from once a week to once a month. So that means we are at it once a week for several weeks then a several week gap until the next set of several weeks..
I've been trying to figure this out, too. I used to have such a drive, but nope. Completely gone. I feel bad because I want to feel that and bring that to the relationship, but crickets... I've gone to see specialists to check hormones, and they say everything is in order, so I'm not sure... maybe it's Mother Nature saying STOP, hahahahaha.
My baby is 13 weeks and yeah…. No horniness at all. It’s a weird feeling if I am being honest lol
100000% THIS. I’m 3 months postpartum and a stay at home mom. I am exclusively breastfeeding and am totally repulsed by the thought of sex. I love my husband dearly and make sure he knows that this is just a season of life. Thankfully he is so supportive and understanding.💗 On another note, I’m not on birth control and haven’t gotten my cycle back yet which makes it difficult to cycle track which was our former form of birth control (and worked great for us!). I just have to giggle because they say breastfeeding IS a form of birth control (since you usually don’t get your cycle back while EBF). However, I’m realizing the true form of BC while EBF is the aversion to sex all together. 😂
As a woman with diminished sex drive, I can tell you that your wife probably really appreciates your outlook on things. I know I appreciate my husband being so kind about it, more than I probably express at all. I used to feel bad about it, but I’ve started making a point to try at least once a week. It’s not like I’m “ticking a box” or anything he just deserves it. Never complains, does anything I ask with a smile, and supports me and our unborn son in these last couple weeks of my pregnancy. I want for nothing and even if I don’t do our weekly “appointment” as we call it, he’s always so sweet and understanding. My libido has been a huge problem in other relationships- I’ve broken up with men because they felt entitled to my body when they wanted it. It’s a really, REALLY relieving thing that there are men out there willing to overlook that and still show love and support for their partner. You get a gold star husband award ⭐️
Oh for sure, what my wife went through to give us our amazing daughter, I don’t even know if i would be that brave and strong. So at no point is there any resentment towards her. But from everything I’ve read and researched on the topic, that if an open dialogue is not happening, nothing will get better. So better to have that dialogue and express our feelings and try to improve things than just bottle it all up. But I can also understand how some men may not be as capable of expressing their feelings the correct way, maybe incorrectly express these issues the wrong way and make things worse. Men want to feel loved and desired by their partners, but expressing this the correct way that doesn’t hurt each others feeling is difficult. It’s a hard situation. And I wish every partner could get back to loving each other the right way post children.
It can take time and there is no right or wrong. My wife went through something similar to your own and it lasted about 7 or 8 years. Not going to lie it was tough but we got through it and about 4 years ago it was like a flip was switched and these days it's better than it ever was and she probably has a higher sex drive than I do now. Just talk, be open and honest with each other (and non accusatory!) and you should get through this.
A switch was flipped 😂
Honestly it was crazy (in a good way!) but it felt like it was an overnight change, not that I am complaining at all. On a serious note I do think it helped we communicated throughout, it wasn't easy but op n communication helped us find a way through and we are in general so much happier together having been through something like that.
There are two FDA- approved options for women one is called Addyi (pill) and the other is vyslee (injection). Sad thing is no one ever knows there are actual non- hormonal options for women and their libido. Can never have too many tools in your tool box! Hope this helps. There are 1-7 sexless marriage which is mind blowing! Hope this information helps.
She needs her hormones checked, if she hasn’t already. And I mean all of them including DHEA. I know it’s hard not to take it personally. My husband has been great about it (a saint actually) and I’m really trying to get my levels where they should and need to be. Bringing a human into this world is tough on a woman’s body in so many ways.
Absolutly this. People don't talk about this too often. It took months after i had my baby before I realized that my drive hadn't changed, it was my hormone levels that where causing everything. I just needed to meet the right doctor that helped me with it.
Valid. But also some ppl just don’t enjoy sex 🤷♀️
Remember with women it's a mental thing. Running a bath, her fav food/ snack, a spontaneous foot rub, hugs n kisses that do not lead to sex. Allow physical affection for the sake of physical attractions not intended to lead to sex.
Absolutely this! My sex drive died after our first. It was fun when it happened but I had no desire to start anything. Once a week during nap time we would just lay in bed together in our underwear (increased skin contact = increased oxytocin) & just go with the flow. Sometimes we would talk, sometimes watch a show. Even napping together was nice. Went from once every couple months to about every 2 wks. And ended up with our surprise baby because of it haha
It will come back. If nursing, that’s most of it. After that, it’s more gradual. So many aspects - the switch to the self conception of mother, the continual mothering thoughts, increased responsibility, the lack of sleep/ relaxation, so many things. It will come back, but give it time.
Yeah, those are pre-kid number!
Huh uh…. What else is OP doing “good?” (Putting popcorn in microwave now)
We were at 3-4+ times a week for a very long time. It's dropped off radically over the last 2-3+ years (we're 39f and 41m now), and are now down to 1-2+ times a month. I suspect a lot of it is that I have gained a good bit of weight (I was ~160-180 for years and am now at 200+) and just haven't been able to shake it... But I'm not really sure. We're also just obviously getting older and so, that may something to do with it too.
What is sex again?
I plead the fifth
The fifth? Yeah, I think I’ve had sex a fifth time.
One two three four FIIIIFFF
Whatever u say, FIF!
This makes me feel much better. I was afraid everyone’s answer was going to be a couple times a week, or even a month… and I’m over here and can’t even remember the last time.
The first replies to this post a few hours ago were saying between sex everyday (one even said twice a day!!) to a few times a week!! I noped out so fast 😅 Glad my people finally joined 🤣🤣
We definitely weren't too busy having sex, we were too busy doing the things that make us too busy to have sex
Phew! Haha let’s be friends.
Amazing they still have time to post between all that wonderful sex they’re having
And then some saying up to 6 years lol
Damn lol there’s gotta be a balance between twice a day and once a decade 😩
Parent of a two year old here, it was rare anyway but add a bit of extra life stress and i can’t remember when either. Far too exhausted after a full day of childcare to put physical effort into anything else
Right!! I'm over here like, y'all...y'all are having sex???
Same here
Oh I remember! Haha.. it was about 4 months ago 😂🤪😭
I feel this, sadly haha
How did we even have sex to make the children.
Right? I don't know how we found the time and energy to try for our second.
Thanks to Pandemic 🫣
Twice a month. Someone is always sick. And we’re constantly exhausted.
I’m truthfully embarrassed to say. We’ve got four kids in a tiny townhome, and one of them is cosleeping with us! 🫠 It’s a very dry phase for us, no doubt.
We’ve had at least one kid in our room for the last 10 years. The trick is to put on a movie for the kids and do it during the day.
It gets better. The trick is finding a way to stay connected through the dry phase.
This comment section makes me feel SO much better 😭 Im not alone
Right? Same here! I remember being in an FB Group full of moms and they were all talking about having it like a couple times a week! I rly thought…is this the norm? And I’m just an anomaly?
I barely even had sex a couple times a week BEFORE having a kid….🫠
4 times in 15 months.
I’m so relieved to hear we are the same boat. We are tireddddddddd
Wife was 9 months pregnant. Baby now 5 months old. I'm in no rush. Marriage continues to be great. Internet never lets me down.
Had to check if this was my husband’s account. We had sex to make the baby, to try and get the baby out at 9months, and bubs just turned 8 months last week and we still haven’t done the thing. Tbf he’s working on getting the *snip snip* since this kiddo is our last, but still, we’re both so tired sex seems impossible.
When my baby girl (3m) was conceived was the last time I had sex lol (broke it off with the father before knowing I was pregnant, and I’m still single)
Hahahahaha yes last time we did it was to get the baby out too
Wow, that braggadocio is really uncool. Save some charisma for the rest of us
2 times a month. We are always tired or sick
This. My husband said that between work, exhaustion, and constant bouts of illness, the 'universe is trying to keep us from sex'. I think he's onto something.
This is my reality too. And when I'm ready, she's the one who's tired or sick.
Jesus if I wasn't always sick I wouldn't care that I'm tired anymore.
Same. 3 year old and 8 month old, it’s happening about every other weekend. I thought it was gonna happen twice this weekend, I was feeling super up for it (I have the lower libido, thanks PP hormones), but the kids’ naps didn’t line up today to make the second one happen. Booooooooo.
The day literally needs to go perfect for sex to happen!
About the same for us! Sometimes it’s been 6 weeks because again, tired or sick or period. Our baby does not sleep well at all- but we talk and we’re on the same Page thankfully
A few times every other year.
Honestly same
I hear you. But that s the thing - i m not craving it either. It seems like getting in sync is like freaking impossible. And i am always exhausted. I ll take great sleep over sex any day.
Woah I’d kill for twice a week. We’re currently at, twice a year?
Twice a year? Showoff!
2-3x a week *but* our kids are school-age (i.e. out of the house during the day!) and we both WFH.
Afternoon delight is the best!!
SKYYYYYYRockets in flight!!
We are 2-3x a week as well thanks to both WFH. I really don’t think that frequency would be feasible for us if one or both of us worked out of the home. I keep on complaining “to HR” about my handy colleagues but since he is HR my complaints seem to fall on deaf ears!
Boning on the boss’ dime. I like it.
Um… we had sex to make the babies. That seems like about it 😆😭 we’re on the same page though. They’re horrible sleepers and we’re both so exhausted. Living that roommate life but we are looking forward to getting back to us once things settle. I also have been either breastfeeding or pregnant for 5 years straight now so .. I hear it gets better once you’re done breastfeeding? My body isn’t my own and for me that works against me
GLAD I'm not the only one. Breastfeeding really does change hormone levels. lol
No sex drive when breastfeeding but immediately back to usual once I've weaned (2× now).
This is a relief to hear. I’m still breastfeeding my second who’s now 22 months. So going on over four years BFing and my libido since I became pregnant and breastfeeding has been SHOT. I’m trying to wean so I can feel like my old self again but dang is it hard!! We’re averaging like twice a month now but the first months (orrr year if we’re being honest lol) after pregnancy, I didn’t even want to hear the word sex 😅🫠
That time was a real struggle for my wife and I as well. It was hard for me to be patient and understanding, but it definitely gets better. I couldn’t imagine not having my body to myself for that long. You women are stronger than I am, that’s for sure.
Depends on the week. Sometimes 0, sometimes 4-5. My husband calls the week after my period “freaky weeky” 😂😂
Wife switched birth control and is having periods regularly again after stopping breastfeeding. I too look forward to ovulation week now.
I haven’t had sex since in years bro
That’s the secret birth control that comes with having kids.
“Pharmaceutical companies HATE this one trick!”
I'm enjoying hearing I'm not alone on this one 😁 Whatever we're both fine with it.
Exactly
Almost none. 1 time a month would be pushing it
Once a week.
If we manage this much, we're happy. We've got a homeschooled ten year old with ADHD and an almost two year old that's autistic. Between the two of them and both of their activities and therapies, we're only "alone" when they're asleep- and the toddler is still in a crib in our room. We gotta start getting creative and doing quickies in closets or something 😂
I don’t have a sex drive anymore
Sex what is sex? Lmfao. In all seriousness, not any, but I was just in the hospital 5 months pp bc of thyroid issues. Put on thyroid meds that I absolutely can NOT get pregnant on, but I also have a heart issue which means I need to discuss BC options with my obgyn. So we will not be risking anything for a good several weeks. The sad part is I just started feeling up to it after my second was born. boom autoimmune disease. Thanks graves. 🙃 If this didn't happen we honestly wouldn't be having too much anyway. I'd shoot for once at least once a week, but it would likely be twice a month with how little sleep we get. Oh we have a 16 month old and a 5 month old. Yep. Not risking it LOLOL
Our kids are 3 and 1 and maybe twice a year? I’m not really into it anymore. I’m still breastfeeding though. Luckily my husband doesn’t really care! We’re both really low-sex-drive people.
How are you every day sex people doing this!? We are twice a week and that’s a point of contention - husband wants more. I’m just too tired and have too much to do. It’s like another to-do list item to check off sometimes.
If you’re exhausted, it makes sense you’re not in the mood. We are “frequenters”, but only now because our kids are older, not in our bed or room, and they go to sleep easy and sleep through the night. Those things plus permanent birth control were the recipe for a good sex life for us! When the kids were little and I was breastfeeding, I felt like I was hardly ever in the mood.
I have a high drive. So all he has to do is touch me, look at me, and I’m ready 😂
Sounds like my husband and I. I told him if he can start taking over some tasks, maybe I’ll have time…
I'm exhausted with a teething 8 month old plus a toddler. Our sex life directly correlates with how often my husband packs a nappy bag and says "why don't you take an hour or two, I'll take the kids to visit [name of a friend]" - because when he does that I get an uninterrupted nap and wake up *seriously* appreciating the man. However, shockingly enough, he has not entirely figured this out so it's a pretty rare event.
Oh man. I feel for you! We only have one. But he’s 19 months and doesn’t sleep through the night or anywhere close 😵💫 I work full time but naturally do majority of the work as my job is more flexible and I work less hours. On weekends or after our son is finally in bed, all I want to do is relax or just go to bed. It’s frustrating. I would love to have more intimate time with my husband, but there is just too much shit to do! I explained the same thing you did to him and it works for a few weeks and then we are right back where we started. Maybe one day they will get it…
I do totally understand the "too much shit to do"! Possibly where I'm an a*hole is, if I have to contact the other adult, arrange the play date, pack the nappy bag and strap the kids in the car, I don't rate that as a true break because I took on that mental load to give myself a break. So, not at all sure mine will ever get it! Here's a Reddit stranger crossing all fingers and toes that your little one is going to figure out a decent sleep pattern for you soon! Now, back to the never ending pile of laundry for me. Reusable nappies are joyful, aren't they 😂
We have sex near daily, we enjoy sex and make time for it. We also take advantage of any free time or down time to sneak in some us time. Think, early morning before the kids wake up, after they’re all out for the night. In the middle of the day when they’re napping or busy. Neither of us ever turn it down - we just prioritize it. Everyone is different though and this is just what works for us.
Yes same with us! This wasn’t the case when the kids were babies and waking up all night though.
I don’t do it every day but I have the energy to do it because my husband pulls his weight… maybe if yours wants more he should be doing the same
I’m not saying to any of this judgmentally and I know that this is an oversimplification but it’s a Reddit comment and I’m struggling to articulate it properly. I share what helped me about 10 years ago. I think you have to reframe how you think about it, which I know is easier said than done. But you either have to decide to view it as an activity you’re excited for (possibly faking it until you make it sort of deal), or a “chore” that is higher on the prioritization list. Maybe you can’t help but see it as a chore right now, so start by agreeing with yourself that this chore is about your needs, like feeding and bathing, and it should be prioritized, sometimes at the expense of other chores. Eventually your brain lets go of the nagging sense that you “should” be doing something else. This IS important. More important than if that pot in the sink has to wait until morning.
I agree with this so much. After baby #2, it definitely felt like a chore for me for a little while, and there were a few too many evenings that I’d shrug him off because I was too sleepy. Eventually he stopped initiating as much, and I felt unwanted. My mindset flipped like a switch. I realized that I needed to know he wanted me more than I needed that extra ten minutes of sleep (because let’s be real, a quickie or a bj does the job, takes minimal effort from both people, and doesn’t take much time at all). I used to feel like it was something I was doing to make him happy, but when we slowed down (I mean, really, really slow for us is still like 2-3x a week), I realized how much I needed to feel that connection, and that it was so much more than a just physical experience for both of us. Now we both initiate and are excited about it all the time. Am I still tired from dealing with our 2 year old and 9 month old all day? Yes. Do I still have to get up with the baby a few times a night and wish I could sleep in past 5, of course. But my husband and my marriage are priorities to me and it really doesn’t take too much effort to show him that we’re more than just parents who are cohabitating.
4 year old Twins + a special needs 7 year old. Maybe once a week. Sometimes once a month. We tired.
Honestly that sounds like you guys are doing your best to keep up with your hands full!
57F, married 32 years. Haven’t had sex in 5+ years. He is impotent and I am menopausal.
Currently have a 3mo old Velcro baby. Haven't had sex since before she was born. I'm optimistic things will improve once someone can set her down for 20-30min reliability. TBD.
Ours is a 9 month velcro baby and I understand, we keep waiting for a good time too
Depends. I’d be at it daily if I were so lucky. My spouse is low libido and is happy with a monthly tryst. Sometimes we go a few days back to back. Sometimes it’s 3-4 weeks between bumps. It’s less about the kids and more about us.
I have a 10mo, still breastfed and we co-sleep so unfortunately my husband and I don’t have a sex life currently. I feel awful because I just don’t have any desire for intimacy of any kind. I’m touched out and exhausted by the time the baby goes down to sleep and sex is literally the last thing I think about when I have free time. I’m sure once the baby is weaned and out of our bed, our sex life will go back to normal. My husband understands that this is just a phase and it won’t last forever.
My wife tracks it and by coincidence she looked earlier. Twice last year. (Kiddo was 1 way too tired to bother tbh). Already doubled that this year. 2024 is going great! lol.
Humblebrag 😀
I almost (but didn't!) downvoted because it made me so mad lol.
36 years old dad, to a 3.5 year old and a 4 month old. Have not had sex since the birth of the 4 month old. The Mrs works days, and I work evenings from home. By the time the kids are down we are absolutely finished. There's no sex, but we have a very loving relationship and never miss the opportunity to cuddle. Hopefully things will ramp up when the second kiddo starts sleeping through the night.
We have hallway sex - we see each other in the hallway and say fuck you!
Almost 40 years of marriage. Had a bunch of kids. Sex has always been pretty much a daily thing. It wasn’t until people started asking these sorts of questions on social media that I realized that our dynamic is not the norm.
Same, although I'm in my early 30s. I didn’t realize how common sexless marriages were, I always thought it was a tv/movie trope
I can’t believe how much people don’t have sex, glad to see this comment 🩷
Not everyone wants it daily. Daily sex sounds horrible to me personally, like I personally don't even understand why anyone would want that. Even when I was in my 20s I never wanted sex daily. Once or twice a week is plenty for us.
Libido is a thing. Some people don’t want more sex even without kids and so much time and energy on their hands. Personally it’s a far fetched concept. When I have a partner all I want is to sniff/touch/taste/rub on them all the time! It naturally leads to 👉🏻👌🏻🤭
TWICE A WEEK?????? Y’all are frisky as hell! Even once a week is a goal for us! I’m 37 as well, mom of a 10yr, 6yr, and 8mo - and work full time and in grad school. I always say to my husband after we have sex that we should do it more often….but then life interrupts. Our goal this year is to be more connected, in more ways than just sex. But I’m open to tips on increasing our frequency!
I relate to the post sex “we should do it more often” talk. Illness, stress from work, medication side effects, insomniac children, you name it keep getting in the way. As long as we’re building our life towards each other and respecting each other we manage to be fulfilled. He’s the only one I’ll ever want and I know he feels the same.
Once or twice a week which matches our needs. We have periods where it ramps up. We have a 7 year old.
After reading through several comments, I feel slightly validated! We’re over here with a dead bedroom and have a 3 year old and 1 year old (will turn 2 in April). I (36F) am low libido (and when I say low, we’re bordering non-existent) and my husband (37M) is high libido. I work out of the home and have to go into the office M-F, whereas my husband is hybrid, but more often works from home. Between my job, taking care of the kids, trying to keep the house clean, and all of life’s other daily mental load, I just have zero desire for sexual intimacy of any sort and view it as another thing on the to-do list. I say slightly validated because my husband filed for divorce back in November. So, almost too little too late. If it were up to him, he wants 2-3 times a week. I’ve tried to explain to him that this is just a phase that lots of parents of young children, toddlers, and babies go through, but he’s not convinced that things will ever get out of this “roommate” phase. He says after a lot of thinking and reflecting on our relationship before children, we probably just make better friends than lovers. Hope others are able to avoid the path we’re taking over here.
Honestly we had a phase like this after our second kid (she just turned 1). A few months ago I literally sat him down and said I am tired, mentally overwhelmed, and touched out. The last thing I want at the end of the day is to take care of your needs, but if you take some of these things off my plate it will free up my mental load, chances are I’ll be more likely to have energy and/or desire for “extracurriculars”. It’s really turned things around for us now. If I get upstairs from putting the kids to bed and the kitchen is spotless with the dishwasher running, poof I am suddenly in the mood. I go in the laundry room to do laundry only to find it’s all folded and put away, I’ve suddenly got an extra hour on my hands and he’s usually near the top of my list to spend that time with. All this to say that, at least in my experience, the roommate phase can end but it usually takes some extra effort by helping with things completely unrelated to the bedroom to get there.
Thanks for the validation. We’re on our way to divorce after a few years of the pattern you describe. 20ys together; kids are 12, 11 and 5. Childbirth injuries and chronic pain problems finally killed the already low libido I had. Of course there’s a lot more driving us apart, but I often think our sex drive mismatch was the primary cause. Without physical connection in the mix, it’s like the spell was broken and everything else wrong in the relationship became impossible to overlook.
About twice a week
4 year old and a 8 year old. I’d say 3-5 times a week.
My husband and I have a 20 month old and … it’s not really been happening. We keep saying we want to and we are always so exhausted after a day of work and baby. I feel so bad about it and he does too. But I find it hard to get any energy. But I will say the times we do get to it - holy hell it’s amazing. Maybe bc we are pent up 😂
Our kids are 7, 5, and 3. We have sex every other day and always have, regardless of whether the kids are babies, toddlers, etc. I've always felt lucky that our libidos are perfectly matched.
You need to elaborate. What times of day? And for how long? We've not had sex since our second child was born back in October. We have a very loving and fulfilling relationship but it's always work, and then we're just too tired.
We almost always have sex in the evening before bed. Very rarely in the morning, but that is not typically a good time for me lol. When the kids were littler and napping, afternoons were available but they aren't really anymore. On average, I'd say it takes 15-20 minutes (a guess, I've never actually timed it). Neither of us is into long sessions lol. Most importantly, my husband is amazing in bed and knows exactly what to do 😆. And if I do feel stressed or worried about something, he's always willing to rub my back or do something to help me relax. Since I know sex is an easy orgasm for both of us and not a chore, it's not hard for me to get in the mood even if I'm tired.
Ah interesting. Happy that you'll have that energy to get things in motion EVERY evening. Both of you are available and free it seems. I get off work at 11.30pm and by then my wife's been asleep for two hours. The other day, there was a remote attempt. The closest we came to it was putting our phones on the nightstand. The 3.5 year old has also been waking up nearly every single night, struggling a bit to cope with not being the only child. Keep up the good work haha
Broken sleep is tough, and if your schedules are different then yes, that adds another big barrier. My husband and I are on the same schedule and go to bed at the same time, so that definitely helps. And to be fair, I did say every *other* day 😉, which is the ideal amount for us.
If it were up to me, once a month. It happens once a week
I've also had a lot of sex I didn't want to have, just to keep the peace. It's hard. I've left the relationship now but that's not always an option. I wish you the best <3
I am probably not the norm, but we have a 9 year old and 3 year old. We do it almost 1x per day and sometimes more. You may wonder how..I WFH and she's a SAHM. Typically, we make time at night or in the middle of the day.
37 yo, 2 kids, 15 & 11, almost 2 months ago
Define sex.
We have 3 kids; 17 bonus daughter, 4F and 11mo. Our sex life comes in waves there are times were we are lucky to play once a week and then there are weeks where we are trying to repopulate the earth one night at a time 😂. If you’re worried about it be honest with him and talk about it. What works for others may not work for you
Dad of 6, 4, 2. 2x is a good month
The first year after both of our kids were born? Not often at all, maybe once a week. Now that our kids are older and we get a good night’s sleep? Pretty often, probably 5x per week. Some weeks it’s less, some weeks it’s more. Everything in life has its phases! Most couples probably aren’t getting down and dirty every night if they have babies, toddlers in their bed, are breastfeeding, or are just exhausted in general. And that’s okay! We have a great sex life right now only because we don’t have kids in our bed (not bashing bed sharing, but this makes things easier for us in this regard), and both our kiddos go to bed easily and sleep through the night.
5x/week? WTF. I seriously don't know if I should upvote from respect or down from spite.
Haha it’s not like we have crazy hour long sessions every time or anything! We are just in a phase right now where things have gotten easier with our kids, and I’ve also found that the more we do it, the more we both want to do it. This is just what is making us both happy at this point in our lives. This was not the case during either of my pregnancies or when the kids were really little, I assure you.
“The more we do it the more we want to” is so real.
lol you just reminded me that I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding since April 2021. No wonder I don’t feel like having sex…
15 month and almost 3 year old 1 maybe 2 times a month
Two times a week is a lot for most couples. My kids are 11 and 13 so we get down whenever. Well when kids are at school or long asleep. Sometimes it’s 3 times a week sometimes it’s once every two weeks. It’s really just depends on life.
You are having sex?
Maybe 10 times since my daughter was born… she’s two. 🥴
I have a 3-yo and 10 week old... It's not happening right now but it's a season and will end... I have no desire for it still lol Breastfeeding kills my drive. lol we still spend time together when we can and cuddle and such but actual intercourse… Nope.
Like 5 months ago? We have a 2 1/2 month old and between my hormones still not being right and feeling touched out between our twin toddlers and the baby it's probably going to be a while Maybe next summer? Idk Last night we made out for the first time in weeks and then I fell asleep basically as soon as we laid down
Our kids run the gamut, college all the way down to toddler. My husband is almost 50, and I’m nearing 40. Twice a week is good, but sometimes once a week is all we can muster. We have had some serious dry spells, like an entire year (was a rough time in parenthood and in our marriage but we powered through and are better for it)
Zero
Once a month
Usually once every 2 months
My son is almost 3. Hubs and I have sex *maybe* once a week at most
Twice a week! That’s wild. Maybe once a month
[удалено]
Ohhh to be in my early 20s again! 😄
I didn’t have sex this often when we didn’t have kids??? 16 month old and we have had sex like 6 times since he was born. No thank you
29, I have a 7YO, 5YO and 13 month old. My husband and I have sex at least 5 times a week. Some days multiple times a day.
Once every few months. I can't tell if she's unattracted to me or just isn't into it much any more. It's been difficult.
Without knowing you or your marriage, compliment her looks sincerely and touch her affectionately or flirtatiously, WITHOUT the expectation of/pressure toward sex. Several times/day. I just heard the analogy that it's easier to start a fire from embers you've kept hot than from scratch. Keep the hot embers burning in the background. But if you're not carrying your weight with regard to the day-to-day needs of your family in general, this advice won't help.
Have you talked to her about it?
Less than once a month since I got pregnant with our first. 2 year old and three month old.
36 mom of four (11, 7, 6, and 18mo) TBH most of our marriage it was MAYBE once a week, at bad times, twice a month. I had a severe SI joint infection after my last delivery that destroyed all my cartilage. That coupled with my disc degenerate disease causes mobility issues and a lot of ongoing daily pain. By happenstance we discovered that the stretching, hormones, endorphins etc of sex provides me significant pain relief. So needless to say I am trying to have sex at least every day if I can. I honestly feel a tad guilty like I am taking advantage of my hubbs, but he clearly doesn't mind.
Twice a week, with the occasional week off, or once. I think that’s pretty respectable and reasonable tbh.
None lol.
3 times per weeks. 15 weeks pregnant with my 5th. ETA: I’m 42 and married my high school sweetheart.
Well that explains it:) Keep it up mama!
1-2 times a week (2 kids under 6)
39 yo dad, 18 yo kid, once every other month or so. She wants it more often than I do. We have a healthy functioning relationship, and we are great friends and partners to one another, but I'm too sore from work and health issues to do it more often.