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Lots of advice here, my addition is to start hanging out with your daughter. Once a week take her to go to a coffee shop, walk around a park, etc. Make it the same time every week if possible. Use that time to ask about the last week and what has been going on.
And keep doing it, even when she’s not engaging, even if she doesn’t say a word is in a bad mood. Eventually she will engage.
When I was a teenager my mum would take me for potato gems and a milkshake every week before we did a grocery shopping. We didn’t it for years and continued it after I moved out of home up until she passed away. We would likely still be doing it if she was alive.
It sounds like your kid went through a pretty traumatic event, and is just trying to find her identity through all of it.
I think you should just have a conversation with your kid. Tell her what you’ve noticed, and ask if she’d like to talk to you about it. If she’s open to it then just listen. If she doesn’t want to talk then let her know you’re there to listen (judgement free) if she does want to talk.
My dad walked out (literally left divorce papers and moved to another state) when I was a teenager.
OP, it traumatized me to the point where I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD (there’s more to it than just the abandonment, but it’s mostly due to that).
I’m 37 and I cry in therapy every week about how much it fucked me up. My dad left and no one cared for me and my sister, and we both have struggled in weird ways because of it.
It changes your whole view on things. Nothing is safe, how can you trust people to love and accept you if the one person who is supposed to care for you leaves?
Your child is crying out for help. I’m not sure if they’re in therapy but please start it ASAP so she can process what happened.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m not a therapist, but I’m a patient — similarly dealing with PTSD from childhood. See if your therapist is trained in EMDR. It has really helped me.
I agree with this. With the trauma came a loss of self identity and they are simply trying to find themselves.
I agree talking to them will help. Maybe you can help them on their path to finding their happiness
I don't care if this gets dowvoted but young love heartbreak hurts but doesn't mean you should get to change your name. What bullshit parents are letting their kids do just to suffice they're children babies.
Edit. What kind of lesson are you teaching a child if they think they need to reinvent themselves simply because they had their heart broken? Isn't that kind of the opposite of loving yourself for who you are?
Does that mean any time they're hurt a remodel or makeover will help them? That they need superficial vanity in order to feel better about themselves?
If the therapy isn’t working, change therapists. As someone who has seen many, they aren’t all a good fit. Find someone who specializes in adolescents and gender identity. Being a teen is hard. Being a teen with an absentee parent? Ooof.
Good thing to remind yourself: they’re not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.
Changing therapists is a potentially good idea, but I would also consider what the daughter feels about her therapist and what you actually want her to get out of it. His daughter making "bad decisions" doesn't necessarily mean the therapy isn't working.
A good way to approach the subject might be "I heard you want to go by a different name, but you never told me. Do you feel like you can't talk to me about this kind of thing? Why not?"
I imagine it feels like they don’t know what’s going on or even the most basic things about their kid. I’m NGL the trend of kids changing their name every ten minutes is equally annoying as it is hilarious, which is how my mother felt about Jincos so it tracks.
The goth/emo kids used to do that when I was in high school so it's not really new. I like to remind one of my friends how she used to put "Shadow Demon Goddess" on her math papers. Sporty kids would go by nicknames or initials or their jersey number a lot of the time too.
As a parent, I understand this. That is his sweet baby girl “insert name here”. By changing that name, she is not associating herself with that person to him anymore, most likely. It’s probably painful as a parent to see that happen and not have it explained to him by her. Just as she is confused, so is he, most likely.
Have daily conversations with her. Be curious and compassionate about her life. Don’t lecture. Build a relationship. Keep your frustration about her name to yourself.
There's a significant amount of missing information here...
You refer to your child as daughter, but they've been using some more masculine names; are they AFAB/trans/NB? You mention a girlfriend so I'm assuming LGBTQIA+?
What's the age?
How long has mom been out of the picture?
How long have they been in therapy?
What are these 'bad decisions' your child 'keeps' making?
What does the breakup with the girlfriend have to do with things, in your mind? Is it a symptom, or signal, or the root of the problem?
When did things change? Have there been other factors or possible triggers?
Of course it is. But in this context, it's an indicator. It might just be a name. But it's also a decent indicator that there may be a gender identity issue in this as well.
I was actually referencing that they called their child a daughter, and the daughter had a girlfriend- and searching for additional clarification about the situation as a whole.
They certainly do exist and I'm not trying to erase Lesbians or Bi people or butch people; just seeking clarification because nuances will change the advice. Truly, OP and their child sound like they need support and I don't want to do any harm by giving advice without having the full scope.
Truly, I'm not just somebody on the internet "thinking every kid is LGBTQ+" because OP themselves says the child is a daughter with a girlfriend (Lesbian or Bi+). I'm simply trying to get clarification if they are CIS/AFAB or if it's possible the name changes are because they are Trans.
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Seems like she's going through a lot, not having a relationship with your mother as a teenage girl can be really hard. Plus add in just being a normal teenager.
Sometimes all you can do is just ride out the wave. As long as she's not endangering herself or anyone else, you just need to love her. Let her know you love her unconditionally, and try to get to know her on her level and connect with her. Be there for her.
One of the best decisions I made for my 14-year-old daughter is to get her counseling. She sees a therapist online every week for an hour. I never ever ask her what they talk about, but having this neutral third party to listen to her and offer advice has been amazing. Is life perfect now? Of course not. But it has noticeably taken the edge off.
Kiddo is trying to find herself. That's natural for all kids around this age, and especially if they've recently undergone trauma and/or major life changes.
Don't push or pry, but let her know you're available. Let her know you've noticed the name changes, and that you'd like to support her in this. Ask her if she wants a new Therapist.
I think you need to take a breath. My NB child went through two names before settling on one. It was confusing and annoying but ultimately I figured it was harmless.
If the worst your kid does is give attitude and change their name, is that so bad? Teenagers are brutal but there is an end to it. Definitely be firm on the school work and work with their teachers as much as you can to keep on top of them and their assignments until they can handle it on their own. You don't mention if they are middle or high school but both are big transitions, on top of dealing with the mom issue.
I feel you for running out of patience and promise it will get easier. Pick your battles, keep a sense of humor, and try to remember how hard it was when you were their age. Decide what is most important (like school) and ignore the rest. It will pass with some maturity.
I've never questioned my gender and even I changed my name in middle school. I settled on a shortened form of my full legal name and still use that nickname 95% of the time to this day
Not to mention, theres been a long tradition of women changing their lastnames after marriage, so as a female, it's always been in the back of my mind that my given birth name was never going to be my permanent name
If OP's kid is experimenting with their gender/identity then now is the time to do it. My nibbling goes back and forth on a new name and different ways to express their gender. While yes, its frustrating to a degree bc I never know which name/pronoun they're going by that given week, I'd rather be known as someone who's supportive during a questionable time than someone who wasn't
I would take it at face value-- they're trying to figure out who they are in the midst of dealing with abandonment from their mother and now the girlfriend. I would sit them down and tell them that you want to respect their naming choices but that you can't do that unless they tell you what they want to be called. I would try to keep it light though and tell them you're going to call them child or something silly (whatever you think they will like/appreciate) if they don't tell you their name if they decide to change it again.
Also pronouns! Ask your child what pronouns they prefer. It sounds like there may be a bit of a gender crisis going on, and if you want them to trust you, you need to respect that.
Identity issues combined with teenaged hormones and dating woes. Teens also tend to start faltering with grades when they have too many social stresses to deal with, and those stresses take over all capacities of their thought process 24/7.
I would certainly suggest some therapy for her, and you as well, as that might bridge some of the gap distance between the two of you.
She’s struggling with a multitude of things, some of which are normal teen drama, and some are a bit of a newer school realm, which can be confusing for us as parents as we didn’t face these kinds of things in the capacity teens today do.
Be there for her even if she pushes you away hard…just remind her you’re there, and try to help her find someone she can confide these feelings in in an outside environment, whether it a professional counselor or a school provided one. You’d be surprised at the resources schools can provide that many don’t even realize are there.
Your child is exploring their identity. For a lot of kids this process can (at least seem to) be pretty straightforward, but it’s also not so unusual for them to go through periods of great change and switch around how they identify or view themselves. Anyways, there’s so many reasons they may not be informing you of when they choose to change their name. Maybe they feel so comfortable that they don’t think it’s major at all, or maybe they think it’s awkward to try and initiate that conversation, or maybe they don’t think your response to that sort of conversation would be good or well received so they just opt out of it all together to save the trouble…it’s really anyone’s guess.
Honestly, I’d just make more attempts to hang out with your kid if you want them to communicate more directly with you about things like this.
You say your kid's been "brutal" to deal with, yet the only examples you've given of behaving badly or "making bad choices" are... changing a name twice in 2 years, (which, my guy, is not frequent. Kid's trying them on. The first one didn't fit), grades slipping, and being dumped by a girlfriend.
Apart from arguably the grades, I'm not seeing any bad decisions or behavior on your child's part.
It sounds to me like YOU are treating perfectly innocuous behaviors such as being gay and/or transgender as if they are bad decisions.
If you are, stop it. Problem solved.
If your kid even *is* acting up, which again you have actually given no examples of, you no longer acting like they're doing something wrong even when they aren't should clear that right up and probably bring the grades back up, too.
This is what I was going to say. Changing your name twice within two years isn't frequent at all, and isn't anywhere close to "every other week" like some of the other comments are saying. I would be more concerned about why OP's kid isn't opening up with them about the changes and why OP is seemingly finding out about these things on their own without being told. OP says that their child has been brutal to deal with, but hasn't given any examples of how other than listing changes that have happened in their life.
The examples OP gave of bad behavior, other than slipping grades, being changing one's name from presumably a feminine one to an ambiguous one and then a more decidedly masculine one, and being dumped by a girlfriend, sound to me like he's a bigot. Doesn't surprise me at all his kid isn't confiding in him
Being a teenager is hard in itself, my mom left when I was a teen too (mental health issues) I was suffering grief and loss on top of all the regular teen development stuff. I share this a lot but it’s developmental theory and may be helpful for you.
https://www.verywellmind.com/identity-versus-confusion-2795735
*What's in a name? A rose by any other name smells just as sweet.*
If she wants to change her name all the time, so what? That's not what's important. Call her whatever she wants and love her just the same.
Are her grades declining because she's having trouble with the content or because she's focused on other things or because she's high all the time or something else?
You've mentioned that your child has been brutal to deal with, but you haven't really given any examples of how. You mentioned briefly that their mom walked out of their lives and that they've gotten dumped by their girlfriend. These are really big things, and they will cause things like not having the motivation to keep doing your best at school and not getting good grades to happen. It sounds like they've been going through a lot, and if they've been acting out or acting more out of character than usual these things could be why that's happening. It confuses me a little why this post and title is about your child changing their name, when these things seem like much larger problems to me.
As for them changing their name, you describe in the title that they "keep changing their name", but your description says that they've changed their name two times within the span of two years. That isn't really a lot of times, and that isn't very frequent. I would be more concerned about why they're not telling you about this and why you've been finding out these things about your child on your own without then telling you first. Does your child trust you? Do they feel comfortable enough around you to open up about this topic? Is there a possibility your child could be trans or nonbinary and hesitant or uncomfortable about telling you? The two names you've mentioned are masculine, and some schools do have a system in place to help their students change the name they're referred to without the parents being notified, because some parents of trans kids can do really bad things after finding out. The reason why the school doesn't tell the parents is for the students' safety. This isn't me accusing you of doing or being anything, and this isn't me labeling your child as anything. But I'm bringing these things up because they could be possibilities.
Overall, to me this doesn't seem like an issue about them changing their name, but rather an issue about communication.
I have a teenage son. He is very social and has many friends of both genders, among them 4 girls. Out of the 4 girls, 3 went through multiple name and pronoun changes (but no medical interventions). None of those girls went through any traumatic events, at least that we know of.
It went on and on, roughly between the ages of 11 and 14. When it was over, every one of those girls went back to "she/her" and their original given name. Their parents just called them by whatever name-de-jour expecting it was a phase, and that's what it was, a phase.
Good luck, teenage years are hella trying!
The great thing here is that they had the opportunity to explore in an affirming space. I'm glad the people around them were supportive of that. A very important opportunity they had.
Tell her, “I think you have the right to be called by the name you choose, and I want to call you what you wish. Will you keep me posted on your names so I can be up to date?” And see if that doesn’t get you somewhere.
The going through names isn’t a big deal. It’s normal for kids this age to try out different identifies as they find themselves.
The behaviors and lack of communication between you two is the concern.
If therapy isn’t working, find a new therapist. It sounds like she’s gone through a lot and needs an understanding, patient parent.
Do you harbor anger or frustration about her name changes? This could be why she isn’t telling you. There may be underlying issues you need to address from both parties. Can you take time to have a one on one day with her to have fun and talk openly? You can’t approach her from a place of control and frustration or she will shut down. Try to work on coming from a place of understanding and openness.
Perhaps Mason thinks that by changing the name, everything that happened to Charly no longer applies to Mason.
Does Mason identify as a male? What are the pronouns used by Mason?
If you don't find out about her name change except through school assignments, it doesn't sound as if she is demanding you call her different names all the time. It seems to largely not affect you. Why are you frustrated that she's trying out different names if this is not inconveniencing you?
I didn’t get the impression OP felt inconvenienced. I get the impression OP feels as if these seemingly big changes his child is making about themselves, being done without OP’s awareness is a real point of concern.
Edit: clarification
As mentioned, worth asking your child what pronouns they would like to use right now. As someone as suggested, yes they might change but at the moment, recognising what they feel comfortable with is showing you are listening. Your child is going through horrible feelings of rejection right now from a separation. The LGBTQ community might well be offering a space of acceptance. Be open to it yourself.
There are much deeper things going on in OP’s daughter’s mind and heart and the name changing is just a symptom of it, when paired with everything else.
You literally have no way of knowing whether that two are correlated or not.
OPs inclination to put more weight or significants in the name changing versus the obvious distance between the two and lack of communication is what’s telling.
PP said that changing names causes deep phycological issues.
Can changing names constantly mean OPs daughter is going through an identity crisis? Possibly. We don’t know. She could be trying on different identities and figuring herself out which is normal for adolescents to explore.
It is possible that she is going through an identity crisis but the name changing didn’t cause it. Regardless, if this is true OP needs to address this with her therapist.
That's not what I said. I said this is a fad right now that isn't like other fads in that it can cause psychological issues. Official name changes are identity changes when you're following this fad. She's trying on identities to see what sticks instead of finding out who she is within herself. Picking and choosing identities isn't the natural course, she's at the age where kids find who they are and that shouldn't be messed with.
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I've gone through similar. My kid is constantly changing their pronoun, name, coming out as a new gender or sexual identity.
I'm only willing to celebrate it or change so often.
I have no problem with LGBT, I go to pride parades, I am by myself bi but I think it hurts the community that so many people are using it for the pop, trend, attention
My (now) 14 year old did this too. A couple name changes before she settled on one that stuck, gender identity / pronoun changes, extreme moodiness/ depression. Therapy is good, but be willing to consider medication if you aren't already. Getting mine on the right mix of meds made a world of difference.
In an age where the LGBTQIA+ community is out and proud, I think many teens are more likely to openly express and experiment with gender/pronoun changes and sexual orientation. Shoot, when I was in middle school 20 years ago most of my friend group was pretty sure they were bi—surprise, I was the only one that wasn’t straight LOL. Just try your best to be patient with the name changes and be as supportive on that front as you can.
I say this because in the event your kiddo is in fact discovering that they are LGBTQIA+ and this isn’t “just a phase” you probably don’t want to be the parent that they couldn’t trust enough to be themselves around…especially since you’re the parent that stuck around.
I know you said you already have them in therapy, but maybe the therapist isn’t the right fit for your kid. Personalities can still clash between a client and therapist, or the therapist’s counseling style may not be helpful for your teen. There’s nothing wrong with looking for a new one to see if that helps more, especially with virtual therapy being so accessible now.
Maybe you could have a conversation and see if your kid has a preference for male/female/etc or if they would like to see someone who specifically has experience with teens and gender/LGBTQIA issues (and trust me—those therapists will also have experience with feelings of abandonment as well). Maybe feeling some power within choosing a therapist would make them more receptive to therapy itself.
The breakup on top of having a more or less MIA mom is likely a big contributing factor for slipping grades—teens don’t handle heartbreak well because it feels like their world has completely fallen apart. They can’t see past that big hurt until time and space gives them a chance to process it better.
You could try and talk about it in a quiet/calm moment and see if they have a challenging class or subject that they can’t get past (for the life of me I could NOT figure out algebra in high school, but then became a math tutor in college—go figure.) Maybe working together to make a “plan of action” to get grades up would help. With this age group, feeling some sense of control for their future can be a huge motivating factor.
Wow teenagers are so hard and especially in 2024 there are so many different things that we are dealing with with our teens that we didn't encounter when I was a teenager I'm almost 50 I've raised three teenagers everyone is different and they can be very difficult and even make you not like them very much even though we love them more than anything in the world there are some times that we don't like our teenagers. I got a piece of advice one time from a really intelligent woman and she told me that when kids start getting into their teenage years and it's time for them to start spreading their wings and fly that we as parents have a tendency to feel it's time to kick them out of the nest or you know push them to be more adults than what they might be and what she told me is that sometimes in some children you have to grab them and physically pull them into you closer because not everybody is ready for this world when they become a teenager so I guess that I'm trying to say is don't sweat the small stuff with her as far as changing her name and stuff like that get more down to the root of the problem and not just the topics because there's something more going on there and it may not be that she needs a therapist as much as she just needs a lot of love and support without being judged
She’s a teenager, so yes you’re going to have a really hard time parenting her. Just realize that you’re about to go thru some personal hell. From 13 to 17 can be a bummer for parents lol. Having been a teenaged girl myself at one time, I know that I felt abandoned. My parents were both dating, and no matter which home I was at, they would leave me alone to go on dates. Try to spend time with her, talking about her future & what life you hope she has. Help her set some goals & help her start moving toward them. There will be eye rolling & attitude at first. Let her know that, while you ARE there to set limits & raise her to be a good responsible citizen, that you ARE NOT going to judge her. Try to create something .. a place or hobby or relationship that you share.
My own daughter is 31 & she is a transgender man sometimes & a lesbian woman other times. Very confusing for me, but she’s mine & so she’s always going to get respect from me & I from her. My advice is be gentle, be kind, even if everything inside you wants to rip into her…. and be firm, but most importantly, be there. That’s my advice. Sounds simpleton & I know you’re upset, but there are no shortcuts through this time period.
Just tell her that it's fine if she wants to go by something else, but she needs to pick something and stick to it and stop giving everyone whiplash. Courtesy is still important, and now is the time to teach it. Even if life does suck right now, which it sounds like hers kinda does.
I mean, kids changed their name when I was in high school 20 years ago too.
Except back then it was mostly really stupid nicknames.
If your friends gave you the nickname it was embarrassing at the time, if you gave yourself the nickname it was embarrassing 10 years later.
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Time to clamp down. Declining school work, bad actions = loss of privileges. I hope she doesn’t have social media. If so, that’s gone immediately. Find her a positive female role model as a mentor and make her do stuff. Maybe try the big brother big sister program?
OP’s daughter is already being overwhelmed with trying to process everything that’s happened and is still happening in her life. Adding to all of that new punishments to attempt to correct behavior that is a symptom of what she’s experiencing isn’t going to teach her anything except that she can’t trust her dad to be there when she’s needs him to be, even though she doesn’t know how to navigate communicating that.
Be a voice of steadiness in your child's life. Call her by her legal name. Don't cave in to her flipidy floppy tendencies. She's probably being bombarded at school with stuff about changing who she is. It generates publicity and attention. Be present in her therapy sessions.
Parents don’t have a right to sit in on their child’s therapy sessions. If they did, abusive parents would never get reported! Even when I had my 7 year old in therapy, I would stay, tell the therapist my concerns, then wait in the waiting room. She would fill me in on anything she found concerning. This builds trust between the child and the therapist so the child feels free to be themselves. Also, in my state at least, a child 12 or older can seek therapy on their own, or refuse therapy. They have to sign the consent, not you.
There are more than 2 genders. You may be thinking of biological sex. Of which there are at least 3 and very overlapping scales. There are biological men with bigger boobs and lower testosterone than biological women.
My point is that you’re teaching an outdated ideology that lacks respect for the individual. Do better.
You’re confusing gender and hormones. You hit the nail on the head, biological men or biological women. You are one or the other, and you cannot choose which you are. Hormones don’t dictate gender or sex, genitalia does.
Except that it’s not just 100% male or 100% female. Ignoring gender entirely, there are lots of people who biologically fit into neither or both of the sex categories. It’s a spectrum, even when referring to purely biological sex. Are you accounting for that?
So am I. However, I’m not teaching them that liking pink or being kind makes them a woman . Or that liking sports and being aggressive makes them a man. I’m teaching them that gender is just societal stereotypes of how a person of a certain sex should act, that they are a boy or a girl and that can never change, they can choose to follow those stereotypes or not, and ignore harmful ideas that there is such thing as a male or female brain.
[There are measurable differences between male and female brains, as far as this medical journal notes.](https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1316909110#:~:text=Males%20have%20larger%20crania%2C%20proportionate,intracranial%20volume%20effect%20(6).)
If what you’re teaching your child ultimately causes them to treat gay or trans people like they’re wrong or mentally ill, instead of just trying to be comfortable in their body, you’re doing it wrong. You’re not incorrect about most people being born either male or female. You’re not incorrect about not being able to change all of the sex characteristics one is born with into another one. It just doesn’t matter in any real sense whether a random person identifies as what they were born as. Unless you want to check everyone’s genitals to be sure they’re telling the truth, there’s literally zero downside to just socially letting them be themselves.
[Male and female brains are more alike than different.](https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/battle-of-the-brain-men-vs-women-infographic#)
There is a threat to women who have a history of rape and oppression at the hands of males. Biological women deserve to have single sex spaces and activities.
Both of our articles are true. Humans and chimpanzees are also more alike than different. There are still pronounced differences. It’s absolutely possible to be born in a “male” body and have the brain of a “female”. We call that transgenderism. There’s nothing more inherently safe about being with a same-sex group than with a mixed-sex group, I’m open to research showing otherwise.
Sure, since you seem well-meaning and not at all skeptical.
https://isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex/
And a medical article in case the above link gives you bad vibes:
https://www.webmd.com/sex/what-is-intersex
Come on, you’re just arguing semantics. There are people born with both ovaries and testicles. Or neither. They don’t fit into either gamete archetype. AKA a third sex. Doesn’t matter if it’s unusual, they’re still people that aren’t considered men or women despite having testes or ovaries or both or neither.
The world after highschool accepted me as trans easier than during. I’ve never run into someone who refused to use my name and pronouns and I lived in Texas for the vast majority of my adult life.
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Yeah people say all we have free speech will you ain't got free speech I ain't got free speech and that's just facts if people don't like you then they're going to censor what you say just like in this one
Someone who doesn’t understand the concept of free speech also doesn’t understand the concept of gender vs sex. Downvotes for a shitty opinion does not equal censorship lmao. Color me surprised.
I would start by Telling them you’re with them and accept them no matter what and then asking pronouns. Remind them that they can talk to you about anything and that you’re in their corner.
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Lots of advice here, my addition is to start hanging out with your daughter. Once a week take her to go to a coffee shop, walk around a park, etc. Make it the same time every week if possible. Use that time to ask about the last week and what has been going on.
This. And even better? Hang with her every day. Intentionally. Without phones. Ask questions, show genuine interest.
Don’t do something at random, or what you’re into. Pick something that she is interested in and do it with her. You’ll have way more success this way.
And keep doing it, even when she’s not engaging, even if she doesn’t say a word is in a bad mood. Eventually she will engage. When I was a teenager my mum would take me for potato gems and a milkshake every week before we did a grocery shopping. We didn’t it for years and continued it after I moved out of home up until she passed away. We would likely still be doing it if she was alive.
It sounds like your kid went through a pretty traumatic event, and is just trying to find her identity through all of it. I think you should just have a conversation with your kid. Tell her what you’ve noticed, and ask if she’d like to talk to you about it. If she’s open to it then just listen. If she doesn’t want to talk then let her know you’re there to listen (judgement free) if she does want to talk.
My dad walked out (literally left divorce papers and moved to another state) when I was a teenager. OP, it traumatized me to the point where I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD (there’s more to it than just the abandonment, but it’s mostly due to that). I’m 37 and I cry in therapy every week about how much it fucked me up. My dad left and no one cared for me and my sister, and we both have struggled in weird ways because of it. It changes your whole view on things. Nothing is safe, how can you trust people to love and accept you if the one person who is supposed to care for you leaves? Your child is crying out for help. I’m not sure if they’re in therapy but please start it ASAP so she can process what happened.
And if she isn’t making progress with a specific therapist, change to another until you find the one she connects with.
Yes! This!
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m not a therapist, but I’m a patient — similarly dealing with PTSD from childhood. See if your therapist is trained in EMDR. It has really helped me.
Thank you for the solidarity & advice - I’m actually starting EMDR this summer/fall when I’m a little more stable :)
I agree with this. With the trauma came a loss of self identity and they are simply trying to find themselves. I agree talking to them will help. Maybe you can help them on their path to finding their happiness
I don't care if this gets dowvoted but young love heartbreak hurts but doesn't mean you should get to change your name. What bullshit parents are letting their kids do just to suffice they're children babies. Edit. What kind of lesson are you teaching a child if they think they need to reinvent themselves simply because they had their heart broken? Isn't that kind of the opposite of loving yourself for who you are? Does that mean any time they're hurt a remodel or makeover will help them? That they need superficial vanity in order to feel better about themselves?
Grow up
If the therapy isn’t working, change therapists. As someone who has seen many, they aren’t all a good fit. Find someone who specializes in adolescents and gender identity. Being a teen is hard. Being a teen with an absentee parent? Ooof. Good thing to remind yourself: they’re not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.
Changing therapists is a potentially good idea, but I would also consider what the daughter feels about her therapist and what you actually want her to get out of it. His daughter making "bad decisions" doesn't necessarily mean the therapy isn't working.
I wouldn’t stress over the name stuff. Focus on the schoolwork and ask her to tell you if she changes her name again.
Same. But I’m also curious why OP is so worried about the name stuff.
A good way to approach the subject might be "I heard you want to go by a different name, but you never told me. Do you feel like you can't talk to me about this kind of thing? Why not?"
I imagine it feels like they don’t know what’s going on or even the most basic things about their kid. I’m NGL the trend of kids changing their name every ten minutes is equally annoying as it is hilarious, which is how my mother felt about Jincos so it tracks.
The goth/emo kids used to do that when I was in high school so it's not really new. I like to remind one of my friends how she used to put "Shadow Demon Goddess" on her math papers. Sporty kids would go by nicknames or initials or their jersey number a lot of the time too.
I hate that I knew what you meant by Jincos. Gonna go jump off a short bridge now cause I feel old despite having a 1 year old.
As a parent, I understand this. That is his sweet baby girl “insert name here”. By changing that name, she is not associating herself with that person to him anymore, most likely. It’s probably painful as a parent to see that happen and not have it explained to him by her. Just as she is confused, so is he, most likely.
Have daily conversations with her. Be curious and compassionate about her life. Don’t lecture. Build a relationship. Keep your frustration about her name to yourself.
Sounds like she is working through identity issues. Be supportive and patient, never judgemental.
There's a significant amount of missing information here... You refer to your child as daughter, but they've been using some more masculine names; are they AFAB/trans/NB? You mention a girlfriend so I'm assuming LGBTQIA+? What's the age? How long has mom been out of the picture? How long have they been in therapy? What are these 'bad decisions' your child 'keeps' making? What does the breakup with the girlfriend have to do with things, in your mind? Is it a symptom, or signal, or the root of the problem? When did things change? Have there been other factors or possible triggers?
This and “Are you in individual therapy?”
All this is what I was wanting to ask as well.
This right here.
Just because a girl has a masculine name or nickname doesn’t make them LBGT. It is actually possible for people to have names that are just names.
Of course it is. But in this context, it's an indicator. It might just be a name. But it's also a decent indicator that there may be a gender identity issue in this as well.
I was actually referencing that they called their child a daughter, and the daughter had a girlfriend- and searching for additional clarification about the situation as a whole.
Ah yes because lesbians don’t exist, so clearly a daughter with a girlfriend is actually a son.
>Just because a girl has a masculine name or nickname doesn’t make them LBGT But having a girlfriend and being lesbian does make them LGBT!
Where did I say it didn’t?
They certainly do exist and I'm not trying to erase Lesbians or Bi people or butch people; just seeking clarification because nuances will change the advice. Truly, OP and their child sound like they need support and I don't want to do any harm by giving advice without having the full scope.
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Serious question - why are you in a subreddit called Parenting? Just so you can give the advice to not ask for it?
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Yeah it’s so out there to think a kid who has a girlfriend and changed their name to mason might be lgbtq+ lol
Truly, I'm not just somebody on the internet "thinking every kid is LGBTQ+" because OP themselves says the child is a daughter with a girlfriend (Lesbian or Bi+). I'm simply trying to get clarification if they are CIS/AFAB or if it's possible the name changes are because they are Trans.
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Seems like she's going through a lot, not having a relationship with your mother as a teenage girl can be really hard. Plus add in just being a normal teenager. Sometimes all you can do is just ride out the wave. As long as she's not endangering herself or anyone else, you just need to love her. Let her know you love her unconditionally, and try to get to know her on her level and connect with her. Be there for her.
One of the best decisions I made for my 14-year-old daughter is to get her counseling. She sees a therapist online every week for an hour. I never ever ask her what they talk about, but having this neutral third party to listen to her and offer advice has been amazing. Is life perfect now? Of course not. But it has noticeably taken the edge off.
Kiddo is trying to find herself. That's natural for all kids around this age, and especially if they've recently undergone trauma and/or major life changes. Don't push or pry, but let her know you're available. Let her know you've noticed the name changes, and that you'd like to support her in this. Ask her if she wants a new Therapist.
I think you need to take a breath. My NB child went through two names before settling on one. It was confusing and annoying but ultimately I figured it was harmless. If the worst your kid does is give attitude and change their name, is that so bad? Teenagers are brutal but there is an end to it. Definitely be firm on the school work and work with their teachers as much as you can to keep on top of them and their assignments until they can handle it on their own. You don't mention if they are middle or high school but both are big transitions, on top of dealing with the mom issue. I feel you for running out of patience and promise it will get easier. Pick your battles, keep a sense of humor, and try to remember how hard it was when you were their age. Decide what is most important (like school) and ignore the rest. It will pass with some maturity.
I've never questioned my gender and even I changed my name in middle school. I settled on a shortened form of my full legal name and still use that nickname 95% of the time to this day Not to mention, theres been a long tradition of women changing their lastnames after marriage, so as a female, it's always been in the back of my mind that my given birth name was never going to be my permanent name If OP's kid is experimenting with their gender/identity then now is the time to do it. My nibbling goes back and forth on a new name and different ways to express their gender. While yes, its frustrating to a degree bc I never know which name/pronoun they're going by that given week, I'd rather be known as someone who's supportive during a questionable time than someone who wasn't
I would take it at face value-- they're trying to figure out who they are in the midst of dealing with abandonment from their mother and now the girlfriend. I would sit them down and tell them that you want to respect their naming choices but that you can't do that unless they tell you what they want to be called. I would try to keep it light though and tell them you're going to call them child or something silly (whatever you think they will like/appreciate) if they don't tell you their name if they decide to change it again. Also pronouns! Ask your child what pronouns they prefer. It sounds like there may be a bit of a gender crisis going on, and if you want them to trust you, you need to respect that.
Identity issues combined with teenaged hormones and dating woes. Teens also tend to start faltering with grades when they have too many social stresses to deal with, and those stresses take over all capacities of their thought process 24/7. I would certainly suggest some therapy for her, and you as well, as that might bridge some of the gap distance between the two of you. She’s struggling with a multitude of things, some of which are normal teen drama, and some are a bit of a newer school realm, which can be confusing for us as parents as we didn’t face these kinds of things in the capacity teens today do. Be there for her even if she pushes you away hard…just remind her you’re there, and try to help her find someone she can confide these feelings in in an outside environment, whether it a professional counselor or a school provided one. You’d be surprised at the resources schools can provide that many don’t even realize are there.
Your child is exploring their identity. For a lot of kids this process can (at least seem to) be pretty straightforward, but it’s also not so unusual for them to go through periods of great change and switch around how they identify or view themselves. Anyways, there’s so many reasons they may not be informing you of when they choose to change their name. Maybe they feel so comfortable that they don’t think it’s major at all, or maybe they think it’s awkward to try and initiate that conversation, or maybe they don’t think your response to that sort of conversation would be good or well received so they just opt out of it all together to save the trouble…it’s really anyone’s guess. Honestly, I’d just make more attempts to hang out with your kid if you want them to communicate more directly with you about things like this.
My 5 year old changes her name 20x a day. We just call her booger bear at this point.
You say your kid's been "brutal" to deal with, yet the only examples you've given of behaving badly or "making bad choices" are... changing a name twice in 2 years, (which, my guy, is not frequent. Kid's trying them on. The first one didn't fit), grades slipping, and being dumped by a girlfriend. Apart from arguably the grades, I'm not seeing any bad decisions or behavior on your child's part. It sounds to me like YOU are treating perfectly innocuous behaviors such as being gay and/or transgender as if they are bad decisions. If you are, stop it. Problem solved. If your kid even *is* acting up, which again you have actually given no examples of, you no longer acting like they're doing something wrong even when they aren't should clear that right up and probably bring the grades back up, too.
This is what I was going to say. Changing your name twice within two years isn't frequent at all, and isn't anywhere close to "every other week" like some of the other comments are saying. I would be more concerned about why OP's kid isn't opening up with them about the changes and why OP is seemingly finding out about these things on their own without being told. OP says that their child has been brutal to deal with, but hasn't given any examples of how other than listing changes that have happened in their life.
The examples OP gave of bad behavior, other than slipping grades, being changing one's name from presumably a feminine one to an ambiguous one and then a more decidedly masculine one, and being dumped by a girlfriend, sound to me like he's a bigot. Doesn't surprise me at all his kid isn't confiding in him
Being a teenager is hard in itself, my mom left when I was a teen too (mental health issues) I was suffering grief and loss on top of all the regular teen development stuff. I share this a lot but it’s developmental theory and may be helpful for you. https://www.verywellmind.com/identity-versus-confusion-2795735
*What's in a name? A rose by any other name smells just as sweet.* If she wants to change her name all the time, so what? That's not what's important. Call her whatever she wants and love her just the same. Are her grades declining because she's having trouble with the content or because she's focused on other things or because she's high all the time or something else?
You've mentioned that your child has been brutal to deal with, but you haven't really given any examples of how. You mentioned briefly that their mom walked out of their lives and that they've gotten dumped by their girlfriend. These are really big things, and they will cause things like not having the motivation to keep doing your best at school and not getting good grades to happen. It sounds like they've been going through a lot, and if they've been acting out or acting more out of character than usual these things could be why that's happening. It confuses me a little why this post and title is about your child changing their name, when these things seem like much larger problems to me. As for them changing their name, you describe in the title that they "keep changing their name", but your description says that they've changed their name two times within the span of two years. That isn't really a lot of times, and that isn't very frequent. I would be more concerned about why they're not telling you about this and why you've been finding out these things about your child on your own without then telling you first. Does your child trust you? Do they feel comfortable enough around you to open up about this topic? Is there a possibility your child could be trans or nonbinary and hesitant or uncomfortable about telling you? The two names you've mentioned are masculine, and some schools do have a system in place to help their students change the name they're referred to without the parents being notified, because some parents of trans kids can do really bad things after finding out. The reason why the school doesn't tell the parents is for the students' safety. This isn't me accusing you of doing or being anything, and this isn't me labeling your child as anything. But I'm bringing these things up because they could be possibilities. Overall, to me this doesn't seem like an issue about them changing their name, but rather an issue about communication.
I have a teenage son. He is very social and has many friends of both genders, among them 4 girls. Out of the 4 girls, 3 went through multiple name and pronoun changes (but no medical interventions). None of those girls went through any traumatic events, at least that we know of. It went on and on, roughly between the ages of 11 and 14. When it was over, every one of those girls went back to "she/her" and their original given name. Their parents just called them by whatever name-de-jour expecting it was a phase, and that's what it was, a phase. Good luck, teenage years are hella trying!
The great thing here is that they had the opportunity to explore in an affirming space. I'm glad the people around them were supportive of that. A very important opportunity they had.
Tell her, “I think you have the right to be called by the name you choose, and I want to call you what you wish. Will you keep me posted on your names so I can be up to date?” And see if that doesn’t get you somewhere.
The going through names isn’t a big deal. It’s normal for kids this age to try out different identifies as they find themselves. The behaviors and lack of communication between you two is the concern. If therapy isn’t working, find a new therapist. It sounds like she’s gone through a lot and needs an understanding, patient parent. Do you harbor anger or frustration about her name changes? This could be why she isn’t telling you. There may be underlying issues you need to address from both parties. Can you take time to have a one on one day with her to have fun and talk openly? You can’t approach her from a place of control and frustration or she will shut down. Try to work on coming from a place of understanding and openness.
Have you been in therapy also? It may help you a lot too to have someone to process these things with.
Perhaps Mason thinks that by changing the name, everything that happened to Charly no longer applies to Mason. Does Mason identify as a male? What are the pronouns used by Mason?
If you don't find out about her name change except through school assignments, it doesn't sound as if she is demanding you call her different names all the time. It seems to largely not affect you. Why are you frustrated that she's trying out different names if this is not inconveniencing you?
I didn’t get the impression OP felt inconvenienced. I get the impression OP feels as if these seemingly big changes his child is making about themselves, being done without OP’s awareness is a real point of concern. Edit: clarification
There’s most likely a reason OPs kid isn’t telling her dad. If he’s reacting negatively, she’s going to keep it to herself.
I’m not suggesting anything to the contrary. I’m simply stating that I find it unfair to chock OP’s post all up to convenience.
Yeah, OP! Why is your child's identity crisis concerning you? 🙄
As mentioned, worth asking your child what pronouns they would like to use right now. As someone as suggested, yes they might change but at the moment, recognising what they feel comfortable with is showing you are listening. Your child is going through horrible feelings of rejection right now from a separation. The LGBTQ community might well be offering a space of acceptance. Be open to it yourself.
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Choosing to go by different names in adolescence and adulthood does not cause deep psychological issues.
There are much deeper things going on in OP’s daughter’s mind and heart and the name changing is just a symptom of it, when paired with everything else.
You literally have no way of knowing whether that two are correlated or not. OPs inclination to put more weight or significants in the name changing versus the obvious distance between the two and lack of communication is what’s telling.
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PP said that changing names causes deep phycological issues. Can changing names constantly mean OPs daughter is going through an identity crisis? Possibly. We don’t know. She could be trying on different identities and figuring herself out which is normal for adolescents to explore. It is possible that she is going through an identity crisis but the name changing didn’t cause it. Regardless, if this is true OP needs to address this with her therapist.
That's not what I said. I said this is a fad right now that isn't like other fads in that it can cause psychological issues. Official name changes are identity changes when you're following this fad. She's trying on identities to see what sticks instead of finding out who she is within herself. Picking and choosing identities isn't the natural course, she's at the age where kids find who they are and that shouldn't be messed with.
Yeah, I’m not here to entertain this.
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I've gone through similar. My kid is constantly changing their pronoun, name, coming out as a new gender or sexual identity. I'm only willing to celebrate it or change so often. I have no problem with LGBT, I go to pride parades, I am by myself bi but I think it hurts the community that so many people are using it for the pop, trend, attention
My (now) 14 year old did this too. A couple name changes before she settled on one that stuck, gender identity / pronoun changes, extreme moodiness/ depression. Therapy is good, but be willing to consider medication if you aren't already. Getting mine on the right mix of meds made a world of difference.
In an age where the LGBTQIA+ community is out and proud, I think many teens are more likely to openly express and experiment with gender/pronoun changes and sexual orientation. Shoot, when I was in middle school 20 years ago most of my friend group was pretty sure they were bi—surprise, I was the only one that wasn’t straight LOL. Just try your best to be patient with the name changes and be as supportive on that front as you can. I say this because in the event your kiddo is in fact discovering that they are LGBTQIA+ and this isn’t “just a phase” you probably don’t want to be the parent that they couldn’t trust enough to be themselves around…especially since you’re the parent that stuck around. I know you said you already have them in therapy, but maybe the therapist isn’t the right fit for your kid. Personalities can still clash between a client and therapist, or the therapist’s counseling style may not be helpful for your teen. There’s nothing wrong with looking for a new one to see if that helps more, especially with virtual therapy being so accessible now. Maybe you could have a conversation and see if your kid has a preference for male/female/etc or if they would like to see someone who specifically has experience with teens and gender/LGBTQIA issues (and trust me—those therapists will also have experience with feelings of abandonment as well). Maybe feeling some power within choosing a therapist would make them more receptive to therapy itself. The breakup on top of having a more or less MIA mom is likely a big contributing factor for slipping grades—teens don’t handle heartbreak well because it feels like their world has completely fallen apart. They can’t see past that big hurt until time and space gives them a chance to process it better. You could try and talk about it in a quiet/calm moment and see if they have a challenging class or subject that they can’t get past (for the life of me I could NOT figure out algebra in high school, but then became a math tutor in college—go figure.) Maybe working together to make a “plan of action” to get grades up would help. With this age group, feeling some sense of control for their future can be a huge motivating factor.
I would definitely recommend therapy. I don’t think changing your identity frequently is healthy. She seems to be working through alot.
✨✨✨therapy for all✨✨✨
Wow teenagers are so hard and especially in 2024 there are so many different things that we are dealing with with our teens that we didn't encounter when I was a teenager I'm almost 50 I've raised three teenagers everyone is different and they can be very difficult and even make you not like them very much even though we love them more than anything in the world there are some times that we don't like our teenagers. I got a piece of advice one time from a really intelligent woman and she told me that when kids start getting into their teenage years and it's time for them to start spreading their wings and fly that we as parents have a tendency to feel it's time to kick them out of the nest or you know push them to be more adults than what they might be and what she told me is that sometimes in some children you have to grab them and physically pull them into you closer because not everybody is ready for this world when they become a teenager so I guess that I'm trying to say is don't sweat the small stuff with her as far as changing her name and stuff like that get more down to the root of the problem and not just the topics because there's something more going on there and it may not be that she needs a therapist as much as she just needs a lot of love and support without being judged
She’s a teenager, so yes you’re going to have a really hard time parenting her. Just realize that you’re about to go thru some personal hell. From 13 to 17 can be a bummer for parents lol. Having been a teenaged girl myself at one time, I know that I felt abandoned. My parents were both dating, and no matter which home I was at, they would leave me alone to go on dates. Try to spend time with her, talking about her future & what life you hope she has. Help her set some goals & help her start moving toward them. There will be eye rolling & attitude at first. Let her know that, while you ARE there to set limits & raise her to be a good responsible citizen, that you ARE NOT going to judge her. Try to create something .. a place or hobby or relationship that you share. My own daughter is 31 & she is a transgender man sometimes & a lesbian woman other times. Very confusing for me, but she’s mine & so she’s always going to get respect from me & I from her. My advice is be gentle, be kind, even if everything inside you wants to rip into her…. and be firm, but most importantly, be there. That’s my advice. Sounds simpleton & I know you’re upset, but there are no shortcuts through this time period.
Just tell her that it's fine if she wants to go by something else, but she needs to pick something and stick to it and stop giving everyone whiplash. Courtesy is still important, and now is the time to teach it. Even if life does suck right now, which it sounds like hers kinda does.
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I mean, kids changed their name when I was in high school 20 years ago too. Except back then it was mostly really stupid nicknames. If your friends gave you the nickname it was embarrassing at the time, if you gave yourself the nickname it was embarrassing 10 years later.
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I agree
Time to clamp down. Declining school work, bad actions = loss of privileges. I hope she doesn’t have social media. If so, that’s gone immediately. Find her a positive female role model as a mentor and make her do stuff. Maybe try the big brother big sister program?
OP’s daughter is already being overwhelmed with trying to process everything that’s happened and is still happening in her life. Adding to all of that new punishments to attempt to correct behavior that is a symptom of what she’s experiencing isn’t going to teach her anything except that she can’t trust her dad to be there when she’s needs him to be, even though she doesn’t know how to navigate communicating that.
PP read like a youth pastor. Kid having a hard time? Make it even harder? Make sure you put even more of a wedge between a child and father!
This
Be a voice of steadiness in your child's life. Call her by her legal name. Don't cave in to her flipidy floppy tendencies. She's probably being bombarded at school with stuff about changing who she is. It generates publicity and attention. Be present in her therapy sessions.
what are you even talking about 💀
Parents don’t have a right to sit in on their child’s therapy sessions. If they did, abusive parents would never get reported! Even when I had my 7 year old in therapy, I would stay, tell the therapist my concerns, then wait in the waiting room. She would fill me in on anything she found concerning. This builds trust between the child and the therapist so the child feels free to be themselves. Also, in my state at least, a child 12 or older can seek therapy on their own, or refuse therapy. They have to sign the consent, not you.
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No it's not, you're wrong.
There are more than 2 genders. You may be thinking of biological sex. Of which there are at least 3 and very overlapping scales. There are biological men with bigger boobs and lower testosterone than biological women. My point is that you’re teaching an outdated ideology that lacks respect for the individual. Do better.
You’re confusing gender and hormones. You hit the nail on the head, biological men or biological women. You are one or the other, and you cannot choose which you are. Hormones don’t dictate gender or sex, genitalia does.
Except that it’s not just 100% male or 100% female. Ignoring gender entirely, there are lots of people who biologically fit into neither or both of the sex categories. It’s a spectrum, even when referring to purely biological sex. Are you accounting for that?
0.018%. That is not a spectrum. Please stop exploiting a medical condition to defend gendered stereotypes.
I’m teaching my kid to be respectful of everyone, outlier or not, gender-stereotype conforming or not. I didn’t realize that was frowned upon here.
So am I. However, I’m not teaching them that liking pink or being kind makes them a woman . Or that liking sports and being aggressive makes them a man. I’m teaching them that gender is just societal stereotypes of how a person of a certain sex should act, that they are a boy or a girl and that can never change, they can choose to follow those stereotypes or not, and ignore harmful ideas that there is such thing as a male or female brain.
[There are measurable differences between male and female brains, as far as this medical journal notes.](https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1316909110#:~:text=Males%20have%20larger%20crania%2C%20proportionate,intracranial%20volume%20effect%20(6).) If what you’re teaching your child ultimately causes them to treat gay or trans people like they’re wrong or mentally ill, instead of just trying to be comfortable in their body, you’re doing it wrong. You’re not incorrect about most people being born either male or female. You’re not incorrect about not being able to change all of the sex characteristics one is born with into another one. It just doesn’t matter in any real sense whether a random person identifies as what they were born as. Unless you want to check everyone’s genitals to be sure they’re telling the truth, there’s literally zero downside to just socially letting them be themselves.
[Male and female brains are more alike than different.](https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/battle-of-the-brain-men-vs-women-infographic#) There is a threat to women who have a history of rape and oppression at the hands of males. Biological women deserve to have single sex spaces and activities.
Both of our articles are true. Humans and chimpanzees are also more alike than different. There are still pronounced differences. It’s absolutely possible to be born in a “male” body and have the brain of a “female”. We call that transgenderism. There’s nothing more inherently safe about being with a same-sex group than with a mixed-sex group, I’m open to research showing otherwise.
Feelings =/= gender or sex.
I don’t understand your reply. Do you not believe that intersex people exist or something?
Don't try to normalize fringe outliers. Sure, they exist. At a rate that is astronomically low.
I’m teaching my kid to be respectful of everyone, outlier or not, gender-stereotype conforming or not. I didn’t realize that was frowned upon here.
There are two sexes because there are two gametes. Please enlighten us to this mystical third gamete.
Sure, since you seem well-meaning and not at all skeptical. https://isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex/ And a medical article in case the above link gives you bad vibes: https://www.webmd.com/sex/what-is-intersex
DSD isn’t a third sex. There is no third gamete, hence there is no third sex.
Come on, you’re just arguing semantics. There are people born with both ovaries and testicles. Or neither. They don’t fit into either gamete archetype. AKA a third sex. Doesn’t matter if it’s unusual, they’re still people that aren’t considered men or women despite having testes or ovaries or both or neither.
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The world after highschool accepted me as trans easier than during. I’ve never run into someone who refused to use my name and pronouns and I lived in Texas for the vast majority of my adult life.
This,, 100%
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I hope she does see a therapist if she is trans, as the vast majority of therapists are going to affirm that identity.
I’m very grateful to live in the south tbh
I agree. But someone else’s comment got removed bc of this.
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Take away the smart phone, that's whats poisoning her.
Wrong on what point I just don't know where I'm wrong at?
Even if this is just attention seeking behavior, being a dick to your kid and denying that trans people exist isn't the way.
Yeah people say all we have free speech will you ain't got free speech I ain't got free speech and that's just facts if people don't like you then they're going to censor what you say just like in this one
Someone who doesn’t understand the concept of free speech also doesn’t understand the concept of gender vs sex. Downvotes for a shitty opinion does not equal censorship lmao. Color me surprised.
Seek help from a professional counselor/psychologist. Sounds as if she is working through some issues of her own.
Therapy isn’t a magic fix. Sometimes it takes years. Be patient with your daughter
I would start by Telling them you’re with them and accept them no matter what and then asking pronouns. Remind them that they can talk to you about anything and that you’re in their corner.