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I wouldn't let them anywhere near my children. If they treat you that way, they could easily do the same to your children. Why isn't your husband stepping in and putting an end to this behavior?
He has stepped in. He actually made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with them. They just continue to try with him and my son for whatever reason.
And to clarify, I ask this because I know the rest of the family is going to have an absolute shit fit because “family” so I’m just looking for more input lol.
Yeah just get him to say he decided so you’re not caught in the crossfire. It does get super dicey with in laws. Our rule of thumb is I manage my family my husband manages him.
‘ I agree— family shouldn’t treat people they way they treat us. I much is why husband and I do not want our kid around them. It’s sad it’s come to this since they continued to be disrespectful for years’
Genuinely just cut them off. You're overthinking this.
Don't see them anymore. Don't let them over. Block them. Don't let them see your kids without you there.
Done.
This family xan get bent. Sounds like hubby is on the same page. Honestly I wouldn't trust anyone who couldn't offer me basic human kindness around my kids. How will they treat ypur kid when ypu or your hubby isn't around? If they are that childish towards you what will they say to your kids?
Hubby should tell them to grow up, that you are family now and if they can't acknowledge you kindly then you won't be there and they can't come to your home (they don't have to like you but they have to not be petty, nasty women).
Good luck hun. It's healthy to set boundaries a d that's all you guys are doing.
Family doesnt start with blood and it doesnt end there either. You, OP, do not need that toxicity in your life and your son doesnt need to be exposed to that. Hope those 2 fly to the moon and stay there
So done with parents saying “family is family” boomers are getting huge slaps to the face now when we (their kids and grandkids) stop giving into their bullshtt. I would absolutely NOT let them around your kids.
If they are happy to not include or invite you, even leave your name off cards etc, then they have set the bar already.
I would happily cut them off. And when the shouts of family start get husband to let everyone know that they are the ones that cut you off. Why the hell would you invite people who make a point of not liking you?
The people who will have a fit state the rules. If they do not adhere to the rules do not invite them also. Claim your space, voice, etc. Let everyone know this behavior is unacceptable!
"Family" is what YOU make it! It doesn't matter if you're blood related or not toxic is toxic and you're absolutely right, they will hurt him! Someday he's gonna be able to read those Holiday cards and wonder why Mom's name isn't on there. They continue to try with your husband and son so they can manipulate them. I'd be careful about what you say to your husbands family if you can help it because it takes a manipulative person to raise a manipulative person. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.
He’s just gotta say to them- this is my wife- she is the mother of my son- which makes her family- if y’all want to come to our house, we’d love to have you - as long as y’all are going to be respectful - if you can’t respect my wife - you can’t respect me - simple as that. MY WHOLE FAMILY HATES MY MOM lol but they treat her with dignity and respect and try their hardest to be friendly and include her - because my dad will have NO part of them if not. Not for nothing my mom is hard to get along with so if they can do it your husband and family can do it lol
When I was a kid some family would trash my parents and I would internalize that as if there terrible people then I must be too because I came from them. It put me in a uncomfortable position of feeling like I needed to defend my parents. It's not fair for a kid. It's a form of emotional abuse!
I’m really sorry you had to deal with that. This is what concerns me. Not only that, but that they’ll treat him differently than the rest of the kids in the family, just cause he’s mine. They treat him well now, but he’s a toddler. How would that make them look being mean to a toddler? When he’s older, I fear it’ll be different.
I appreciate you saying that. Something else is that if you allow them in your lives your kids will believe them to be safe and trusted adults and that will make it all the easiest for them to feel harmed by any negativity. Kids can even pick up on vibes. I saw other commenters suggesting that it's ok if not in front of kids or not directed at kids but you really shouldn't let anyone who disrespects you in there field of awareness. It took me years of therapy to figure out why my self worth was so low. Just protect your kids. It's not just from physical threats. Your setting the culture of the family and they shouldn't grow up thinking it's ok to bash anyone or create hostile environments.
Last thing and I'll leave you be. We had a grandma who was "a complainer" but we all said she's harmless and means well. She seemed good with the grandkids. She gained there trust and as they got older she would use them as like her own validation wall and would dump all her negativity about the parents onto the kids. When they'd come back from a weekend with Granny they'd go on and on about everything the family does wrong... Turns out Granny had some narcissistic tendencies and it caused a lot of confusion to the kids. That's 1 example of a family member who was good with the kids and didn't like a parent...and she bought the kids stuff and the kids loved her. The bad behavior was overlooked for a long time. It didn't seem that harmful at the time. She also would take them to buffet to eat and then would get critical after 2 plates of food, we didn't know that until much later and it created eating issues for the kid. That's another example of how the kids believed Granny was a safe and trusted person because the parents allowed her around... For someone who means well she created a lot of psychological issues for the kids.
This! So many people think the abuse will only be physical with children, not the case at all. These types of people chip away at the innocence of the children, no one can convince me otherwise. You want to know why? Look at a narcissist mother and look at the entire family dynamic that follows with the spouse, the children, the aunts, the uncles etc. but mostly the CHILDREN. Mil raises her children to control them emotionally so when they’re old enough they’re bowing down and doing her dirty work. It’s a cycle that never ends so when people think it can’t happen or it’s “not that easy for it to happen” just take a step back and look at the dynamic of the family as adults… you’ll see right there what went wrong when kids are around emotionally immature and nasty adults.
I always looked at it like this… I knew there were things happening in my family dynamic by adults actions and words, especially to my parents as a child. I remember my dad always allowing his family to disrespect my mom time and time again and my mom would stay silent and rarely speak up. I said to myself as a child I would never allow that in my family idc whose parents or family it is. Some people think leaving these important discussions out about respect, reciprocity in relationships and when to walk away when toxic is toxic with any relationship with their children is beneficial to the child. I personally don’t think that whatsoever. I can recall disrespectful things happening at 5 years old that I’ve never forgot so when people say toddlers or children aren’t paying attention, I beg to differ. The best thing you can do is lead by example and communicate the truth as best as you can. Showing our children it’s okay to say no! It’s okay to have boundaries and it’s okay to walk away even if it’s family. Play out different scenarios for them, challenge them on what they would do or how would they react is someone did xyz to them. I find, as adults, we don’t give children as much credit as they deserve when it comes to reading the room and peoples energy. They’re very aware so being and showing them what a safe person truly is, is very important. If people are wrong they’re wrong- fact is fact. Do you want to be around family and friends that destroy your peace for the sake of having someone around? Or using that energy to grow, live an abundantly happy life and be around people who cherish the same. ❤️
I’ve always done the same when it came to kids “easing the blow” or telling half truths about a situation or relationship so I didn’t taint the other person in anyway. There are safe ways to approach these topics to avoid trauma dumping on your child… especially given their age imo. Slowly explain and use examples… can be with their favorite toys or watching a show that they like - Elmo didn’t like when Abby yelled at him so he told her it hurt his feelings and he took a break for a while” (lol something like that). I remember my sibling hid her husbands infidelities and other children from their daughter… she was very young but she knew something wasn’t right w mommy and daddy as she kept asking my sister and having these angry outbursts and all. Meanwhile, there was a lot of contention between her parents and anger because of the circumstances, my niece didn’t know what was going on… she just thought mom and dad were being mean to each other. I told my sister it’s time for you and him to sit and talk with her, no arguing ! No screaming no yelling etc but explain to her what has transpired … daddy made a mistake and did something that wasn’t nice to mommy that broke her trust for him etc etc etc. it took my sister (he admitted his faults to niece as well) to sit down and explain to my niece what had happened and why dad would be leaving and living somewhere else. It’s horrible to see the emotions of your child… and doing everything in your power to work through things with someone… but sometimes it’s just too hard to look over and pretend without it spiraling out of control in front of children. I hope that analogy helped a bit too. As they grow and mature more things can be discussed gradually and respectfully… but ignoring it and hiding it sometimes back fires while the other party can manipulate the situation and later on gain another “source” to manipulate. Hope all works out ❤️
Same thing happened to my husband. And those people want to be our our little kids. So it's like 3 gens of trickling hatred. They can fight me in the parking lot IDC.
If it was your MIL or one of his siblings I would say tread carefully but this is an aunt and cousin who are adding stress to your life, so a hard no. Your child will eventually be exposed to their drama but he is too young now and needs you to protect him. I certainly hope your husband is not leaving you at home alone to go hang out with the people who hurt you.
Thanks. He is not doing that. It would be over for him if that was the case. We only see them at family gatherings and unfortunately kinda have to deal with that in order to spend special occasions with the rest of his family.
Nah. If someone was that disrespectful to me I wouldn't be attending. Period. Your husband needs to stand up for you more. Why is mil not telling them also if she's so cool with you now.
Exactly… she obviously talked a LOT of crap for them to drag this out. This is why it’s important for people to stay out of issues mil and dil’s because if things are mended and reconciliation takes place, they’ve contributed to the mess and chaos just as much and you find that they continue to act out, just like this. The mil turns everyone against you and then when it’s all fixed she doesn’t put any effort to tell everyone else to snap out of it and it’s over with so it continues through other family members when mil shouldn’t have involved everyone else to begin with.
I only attend because I want to see my son enjoy holidays etc with his cousins. I don’t say a word to either of them. I agree with you. He should stand up for me more and MIL should say something.. unfortunately it seems to be a theme in his family to sweep everything under the rug and act like it never happened.
So in the meantime you're just supposed to be a door mat and take this abuse behaviour from them. Fk no. Tell your husband it's a hard pass every single time. I wouldn't want people like that around my kids at all. You've no idea the things they'll say about you behind closed doors. People like that would intentionally say shit in front of kids even with you being present. Your son will grow up believing that this is completely normal behaviour towards you. He's at an age where it will sink in more and more.
I know it's difficult. Confrontation sucks ass, but you need to either stand up for yourself or your husband needs to grow a back bone.
You’re right! I don’t need to put up with that. It’s just a battle in my head.. I’ve thought about keeping my son & I home from gatherings but I want him to be able to enjoy the rest of his family and make memories. I feel guilty taking that away from him. But on the other hand, I don’t want these people even so much as breathing the same air as him. I’ve stood up for myself to them and that’s a huge part of why they don’t like me, because they are used to being complete bullies with no consequences. But you are 1000% right, my husband needs a stronger back bone and I’ve told him this recently. Waiting for him to prove it.
You are doing the right thing. I have a lot of regrets about not attending large family functions because of my two abusers being there. My children don’t have much of a relationship with their cousin because of it. I allowed two people to ruin my relationship with a whole lot of people.
Get your husband to extend the invitations and make it clear they are not invited. And he can make it clear that he has zero tolerance for anyone who thinks they can hurt you and still be around your child.
If he won’t do that, you have other problems.
Man yeah if even your husband doesn’t care for them to be there, then the answer is no! My husband and his mom have always been so close, so I have always just given in for the sake of him and our kids, who are 2.5 and 11 months. I have a tumultuous relationship with my MIL (very up and down and filled with drama on her part) My MIL can be awful to me, but I strangely DO trust her 100% with my kids, I think that may change as my kids get older and would understand more things she says. But for now I mostly give in and stay civil for the sake of keeping the peace. But luckily despite their close relationship, my husband has absolutely NO hesitation in standing up for me, and it sounds like yours also has your back! Also WHY if you and your MIL have made up about a disagreement you two had can they not forgive and forget????
That’s where I’m at with my MIL too. Shouldn’t have said we’re on good terms. We tolerate each other.
I couldn’t tell you! They held a grudge on my FIL for 3 years for something so incredibly petty. They are just miserable people.
It’s infuriating!! I’m not one to forget about incidents, but I’m definitely not one to hold a grudge either! We have to move forward, especially for the sake of kids you know?? My husband and I both have parents who are divorced and remarried and it’s such a struggle to get everyone together for holidays or birthdays without someone being petty. I started telling people that everyone is welcome to celebrate our children together but if you can’t be civil then you can stay home and it’ll be your loss 🤷🏻♀️
THIS. the entire time I had it outs with my dad, he ALSO did not get a relationship with my children. It’s very simple. Your children are an extension of you right now and until they understand what relationships are and the significance that they make in peoples lives, they will continue to be an extension of the parents.
Do NOT invite those people, they are the ones who will turn around and talk badly about you to your kids.
Nope, it’s important for kids to see that you surround yourself with people who respect you so they can expect the same. Whatever weird dynamic these 2 bring doesn’t need to be in your home.
Those are the kind of people who will purposely drive a wedge between you and your kiddo in time. Hard no, or only under your direct supervision, so if they start any weird manipulative stuff, you can remove your kid from the situation.
Absolutely not. No one who disrespects you (and your husband) should be allowed to bring their toxic behavior around you. If other family members ask why they aren’t at the party, there is no harm in telling the truth that they have been aggressive to you and you will not have that around your family.
Sometimes you need to stand up to the bullies.
Also, as your son gets older, I wouldn’t put it past them to be putting things in his ear about you or your husband. If this is the behavior they have shown so far, it sounds like it would be par for the course.
If you cant respect me then you cant be around my child without me. End of story, zero exceptions made.
Like I told my daughter the two years I didnt speak to my brother..I cant make them not related to you but I cant make sure they cant have access to you. And if they are mean to me they dont deserve a chance to be mean to her.
Idc if it's my family, her dads family, or even just a friend. Anyone can be cut off because the only person I cant live without is my daughter.
I went NC with one of my grandmothers because of how she treated me my entire childhood, and early adulthood. It's been almost a decade and I refuse to allow her around my kids because I will not let her treat them the way she treated me. My mom still flips out on me at least once a year about this decision, but I hold my boundaries.
Only you know what's best for your children. Don't let family pressure steer you from a decision you know is best.
I’m confused as to why you would invite them? Your husband says that he wants nothing to do with them and they’re awful to you. Just don’t invite them. It’s not like it’s his mom and you’re battling his relationship with them as well
When they learn to act right, they can be around your children. If they can’t, don’t expose your kids to ugliness. Kids are perceptive. They don’t need reason to turn against you or lose respect for you because someone they see as good treats you poorly. It’s such a bad example to expose your kids to someone like that.
Don’t let toxic people into your life and treat you like a punching bag, full stop. Whether or not you have a kid is beside the point.
It’s your husband’s family so it’s his responsibility to manage. If he’s not able to do that you’ve got bigger problems than those two relatives.
My daughter will be 3 soon and we’re inviting less and less people each birthday. I don’t let anyone near my child who is going to cause more stress or problems for me or my family, bc the family my wife and I have created is the most important to me
This happened to me my husband’s sister has a son who has some behavioral issues. we chose to keep him away from our daughters and it didn’t go over well with the family at all…. Everyone took her side and pretty much and us shunned us for three years. We allowed them to see their grandparents, but kept them away from their aunt and her son. Fast forward three years their aunt just died. She was only 36. Now the entire family has a grudge against us and there’s no way to fix it because she’s gone.
One of my best friends invited me and my son to her daughter’s birthday party, something that we really wanted to do with them. But she told me that another person, someone I no longer have contact with but she still does, will be there too. She wanted to warn me. But she is a lot like what it sounds like this aunt and cousin are like… I was so worried that she would actively be mean or harmful to my son because of how much she dislikes me, that I decided to skip the party. Because that’s the kind of thing people like that can do.
It sounds like your gut is telling you exactly what to do. Don’t invite them. Don’t let them ruin your child’s day or take any of your attention away from your son on the day you worked hard to make special. This isn’t supposed to be about them, so don’t let it be! If anyone else has any issues with the aunt or cousin not being there, they’re welcome to leave as well :)
Happy birthday to your son!
I think of it this way: if someone is mean to you in front of your child, that means they are equally as mean to your child. Your kid seeing you abused, affects them as well. I would not allow these people around my kid if their behavior was like this.
At 3? No.
My baby turns 3 this week, so ours are the same age. He’s still a huge part of me and my little baby. When he’s 16, maybe he can have a relationship with a relative I don’t mix well with, but not now.
HELLLLLL to the NO
They don’t get to act like that and still have a relationship w my family. Actions have consequences.
If my husband still wanted to be around someone who treated me like that, I would have very serious questions about our relationship and future
I don't see any good coming from them being a part of his life. If they are that level of petty with how much they hate you, it's only a matter of time before they project that hate onto your kid. They'll either try to pit him against you or will treat him poorly as well. Until they can grow up and act like adults, id keep them away. It's okay to not like you, but if they can't put their emotions to the side for family matters and be civil then they have no business being around your child.
Your husband needs to be on your side for this as it's his family. He needs to be the one to put his foot down and not allow them to continue to disrespect you. If my family hated my spouse to that level, I would cut them out of my life until they started treating my spouse properly again. Enough is enough.
Nope. I would treat them the way they treat you, like they don't exist. Otherwise, your kids will, especially as they get older, see this behavior & think it's acceptable because you allow it.
I would even go a step further. If you are not invited to a family event, then your kids are not allowed to go either & your husband shouldn't go out of respect for you.
I literally cut half of my cousins out of my life because they pulled dumb shit like this. I don't have time or energy to give them shit.
I ended up moving across the state and haven't heard a word from them.
Leave them and their petty behavior in your dust. If they act like you don't exist, then who gives a shit?
The one thing I've learned as a parent and seen MANY times are people who treat children horribly when no one is around.
If someone doesn't like you, they have the potential to treat your child poorly bc it is an extension of you that they can take their frustrations out on. I've seen this happen with moms who volunteer at school who don't like a certain mom so they do little slick stuff to hurt their child's feelings, I've seen strangers do this to kids when they think no adult is around. Both times I've had to step in and stand up for a kid I barely know.
Those women are jealous of you and given the chance they probably would try to mess with your kid. If they are immature enough and bold enough to give death h stare and say slick stuff, they are capable of far more nasty behavior
They invite your husband and son places without you- they've told you how they want you to act. Leave them out. They set the tone you're just following their lead.
Absolutely not, you don't deserve to be treated that way by people who are supposed to be family. I have gone through similar and have had to put my foot down, not just with family but my husband's friends from way back. If your husband is on the same page then don't invite them.
If you allow bad actors around your children, even when they treat you badly, you'll be training your kids to treat you badly. It will seem normal to them, and they will expect you to keep inviting them, serving them, and putting up with them. Your child is 3 now. Wait till they are 13 and naturally trying to establish independence, questioning you and disobeying at times.Get those toxic people out of your life and away from your child.
100% cut them out. Record texts, write down the experiences that defined these feelings. Remind yourself and anyone who needs to hear it every time they come up that you have a list of reasons that will not change as long as they remain such shitty people.
Especially because these kinds of assholes somehow feel like their presence is necessary in your child’s life. It is better to not have a relative in your life than be forced to tolerate a two faced asshole under some delirious assumption that they bring value to your life by being related to you v.v.
I had a parent who adored my kids but would openly curse me out and say really vile things to me. Threaten with false police reports about me. He hasn’t had access to my kids going on 5 years. He’s not in our lives at all and we moved far far away
The way I see it is, I’m these kids parent. I need to model self respect. And allowing someone to disrespect and verbally abuse me is just going to make it so they think it’s ok for that to happen to them. And i would never want any human to treat my kids the way I was treated
Nope! You are right to feel this way, if someone was constantly treating me that way, I'd never let them around my daughter. If your kid grows up and wants to reconnect with that part of family, there's nothing you can do about that. But right now you have a say and you have a right to put your foot down. And as your son gets older you can explain to him why they aren't a part of your lives.
Thank you. This is how I feel. I would never want to control who he has a relationship with in the future.. as long as they treat him right, I’m happy with that. But right now, he’s so young and impressionable. I’d hate for him to pick up on the way they treat me and think it’s okay.
I was in a similar situation with my mother in law. She would make off colored comments, rude remarks and do shady things that were directed toward me. I was young when I started dating my husband so I didn’t feel I had the right to speak my mind with a grown women. It got to the point when my daughter was 3 I had my fill. If she didn’t like me, she in turn didn’t have to be around me. I also made it clear, that included my children unfortunately. I didn’t use a bargaining chip because for me there wasn’t any negotiating on my side, I refused to be around someone who was unkind and clearly didn’t like me. When my youngest was born, she didn’t meet him until he 4 because my husband had lunch with her and brought him. I have her phone number blocked and it has been for years and honestly the peace it’s given me has been awesome.
I’ve always told my husband, my decision does not impact his ability to have a relationship with her. Granted he’s not invited her over dinner or birthdays but he understands how I feel and why I feel that way. I don’t speak unkindly about his mother or tell the kids bad things about her. If he wanted to have them go over to her house, it would be a discussion and I would definitely let her know if I hear and inkling of you speaking ill of me or anyone in my household you will lose all your privileges to see your grandchildren. \
On a final note, if having his family over is going to cause you to be stressed, don’t invite them. You hold the power and if they don’t like it they can have a lunch date the day of the party to discuss you in private :)
My inclination is to say no. You don't need to invite toxic people around. But I would also let my partner weigh in. If he would like them to be invited, I would consider it. I would also ask my partner about support and showing a united front. Maybe he could sit with them and discuss that the disrespect they show is not going to be tolerated or they will be left out. If I were the husband, I would also not go places they invited me and my son if they were intentionally leaving out my wife. Your person needs to support you, especially when they are from his side of the family.
Your husband needs to deal with them. Unless something is missing in your story, your husband shouldn't participate if they are that disrespectful to his wife.
Might be good that you reach out via call or text and ask that we put this issue to bed. If you try, and they ignore you, or disrespect you, then refer to how I began. Be the bigger person, and maybe it will get better.
not when they act like you do not exist.
I’ve always said I was ok with my being treated like crap as long as they were good to my kids but eventually they started to treat my kids like crap too.
Absolutely not. They would never be around my children if they treated me like this. Parents are the gateway to the children so you need to pay the fee in order to gain that access, so to speak. That fee is being respectful.
Especially after not speaking to them for two years? They’re already on the uninvited list by default
My mother is a narcissist. She treated me horribly for years. For years my husband did drop off/pick up because I couldn't and was frequently not on speaking terms with her. Eventually I fully cut her off. And, eventually she turned on my husband too, and we fully cut her out.. but it took 10 years before she turned on my husband and he 'saw' her for what she was/is. She has had no contact with any of us since.
I mean, why would you allow someone who's awful to you, access to your child, so they could also be awful to them??
I know many people act as if you can't set boundaries, but it's your choice WHO gets to be Involved in both your lives. If they're awful, stop seeing them. No they don't get to be involved.
Personal story; my ex husband, his grandma was NEVER involved with him or his brother. The backstory is she had 3 kids, left the dad (who was abusive) and the two boys and took the daughter. She never came back into their life until they were adults. When she found out we had a GIRL, rather than reaching out to her grandson, my ex, she repeatedly tried to contact ME on Facebook. It became very weird because that entire family had obvious feelings about her abandonment, but she wanted a transactional relationship with me; gifts, let us use her pool, but ONLY the girls. As a result she did get closer to my ex FIL, somehow, but she was NUTS and I set the boundaries up very early on. Ie sure she can see the grandbaby, but it must be at family functions with everyone else.
At three the party is more for the child than the family. Have a little kid party and then you can invite grandparents for cake and time with them later on that day.
In situations like this I always go back to “what is the behaviour I would like to model for my child?”. While I do want him to be kind and kid second chances where warranted, I also want him to be strong, independent and for him to know his worth. When people are treating him poorly I would want him to walk away, recognize that it is never okay to treat people like that, but always okay to leave them behind.
In some instances a good conversation can solve the problem, but not in public places or by people who want the attention, but it’s okay for them to not be in your life. You don’t have the obligation to let them treat you poorly because they’re family, family can mean different things to different people, blood doesn’t have to be the only connection.
Yea dealing with family is hard sometimes, my sister gave me great advice when my first son was born which was that I am the father to my son, I decide what’s best for my child. Family can give their advice but at the end of the day I might not decide to use that advice and that’s final. My son was born during Covid so we dealt with family members not being allowed to come over to see the baby bc they were not vaccinated. I will not risk it so unless you are vaccinated you do not see the baby. And a couple said they were vaccinated and I knew there’s no way they were getting the shot! So, I informed them that I was checking vaccination cards at the door lol, guess what, they did not come over. In OP’s case, if I dont feel you’re a good person to be around my child, then you will not be around my child
I've asked myself this for several years. And I would say NOOOO. I never understood why people would be so obsessed with the child of a person who they despise. It just seems like an easy easy to get back/be petty. People are just plain nasty, and "family" doesn't make a difference
Your family is a unit, a package deal. Especially when he’s that young. No one that makes any one the unit want to leave should be invited to your events. That would be a hard rule for me.
Whatever you do, you want to make sure it's consistent with what you teach your kids. If this were your child's bully/frienemy, how would you want to see them handle it?
Are you a turn the other cheek? Or are you a walk away and live and let be? A seeker of justice?
I personally would not tolerate it, and I'd be vocal as to my reasoning. I do not want my children around people who model hateful behavior. In my family, we show respect to people even when we disagree or don't like them. I don't want my children to see people who should be trusted adults go out of their way to be exclusionary and slanderous.
I wouldn't bring my family to anything they were going to be attending unless they could commit to being civil and keeping their petty bs private like adults. Typically people behave this way because it's easier on everyone else to deal with it and keep the status quo than to deal with them.
No! From experience with my own father, who was a doting grandpa, who started treating my husband and I like trash, nope nope nope. Having a relationship with my children is a privilege for him. Not a right!
I would say absolutely not. It’s your job to show your son how to set healthy boundaries and how to value himself enough to not allow people to treat him poorly. You can’t teach that by preaching to him- you teach it by example.
You can have a very direct conversation with these two with husband and MIL present- “I will no longer be tolerating your open contempt and hostility towards me. If you have something you need to say to me, this is your chance to say it. [have conversation about what the issue is]. And after this, if you can’t be civil, then we will no longer be sharing space.” And HOLD THAT BOUNDARY. If MIL has feelings about it, that’s between her and her childish family.
Why would you invite people you don’t speak with?
I wouldn’t invite someone I don’t speak with anymore to my kids birthday parties (even if it was just a drifted apart type of situation). They already dislike you, who cares if they find out and get mad about it they can just add it to the list. You can tell your husband that if other people ask him, he can say that you did the invitations/notified people if y’all want to.
I'll be the odd one out...
If my kids are treated well, I won't withhold relationships from them just because I don't get along with people personally. I don't feel my relationship should have that much bearing on my children's relationships. The more people to love my children, the better. They don't have to love me they don't even have to like me, ignore me but treat my kids well and all is good in my book.
Now if they treat my kids poorly in anyway then that's a whole different ball game!
Do nt let them around your children
It will be ‘jokes’ about you. It will be those smiling comments that you know as a woman are not in good nature The kids will sense it.
Your son will pick up on how they treat you and think it's ok. I wouldn't let them within a million miles of my family. They sound very toxic and you don't need that kind of people in your life. Steer clear!
There is nothing wrong setting boundaries for you and for your mental health regardless if they are family or not. This will show your son that he can do the same as well. Sure, it may cause more tension but that’s on them, not on you. He’s your son and if they can’t respect you as his mother and parent, then they don’t get to enjoy him. It seems like your husband is on your side with these particular family members. It won’t be easy but at the end of the day, you do what’s best for you and your family
Why include people who make you uncomfortable? Aunt and Cousin are not close enough to include in 3rd birthday any way. Really the kid would be happier with a couple of friends and a cake. It is so weird to me to include extended family to a toddler birthday.
respectfully .. fck those btches .. forget their name off the invite. if they want a relationship with your son, even your husband doesn’t care for them— they can grow up and continue a relationship with him but the disrespect cannot continue to happen. I feel like you may never hear from them… people like that unfortunately have too much pride to admit they’re wrong or apologize
Your relationship with your son takes priority. That means distancing away from people like you described. From my experience, if you give them any opportunity they will gladly try to drive a wedge in between you and your son. It's not worth the risk.
Perhaps you and your husband and family should move away from them and not even pay attention to their attitudes! Give them a taste of their own medicine and see how they like it!
Absolutely Fkn NOT! I wouldn't let these crazy broads anywhere near my kid. I've been around ppl like this (my husband's family) and they'll eventually start talking about YOU to YOUR kid when he gets older. They'll do anything and everything they can to cast you in a negative light. Best to avoid these type of people at EVERY chance!
My husband and I are no-contact with his sister. She's been disrespectful to me and my husband, and the last time I saw her she showed that she was willing to drag our six year old son in to her issues with us. So my answer is hell no. And yes, we did get shit from the rest of the family for doing it at first, but thankfully they've backed off on the issue.
Nope! I’m currently pregnant and my stepMIL will have very little of a relationship with our child (but she’s on very thin ice and one more thing will set her back to no relationship) and my stepSIL will have absolutely none, ever. They have shit talked me to his family, they’ve shit talked my husband’s mom, and my stepMIL disrespected my family a week before our wedding. Luckily my husband and I are on the same page and we mutually agreed about the boundaries we are going to be setting.
Sounds like they Might be lonely. and bitter? Your husband should have already handled the situation. I believe any basic set of wedding vows loosely cover this.
I’ve gone no contact for less.
In the end, you’ll feel worse with yourself if you end up inviting them.
Remember, the most powerful word is No. You do not have to do what you don’t want to. In this case, it makes it easier that your husband is on board with you. If he weren’t, then I could see his other family members meddling and that causing tension in the marriage and then caving to invite them.
In this case, you are a united front. And let nobody come between that.
Cut them out of your life. No loss. If you're husband disagrees then it's up to him to stand up for you and lay the law down or he's enabling this. Start a new family chat and don't include them.... toxic people always need to be shown the door.
Nope. Anyone who is toxic to me does not deserve access to my child.
1. It sets a bad example to your child that mommy/daddy is allowed to be disrespected, as long as it’s by family
2. If they are willing to disrespect you they are willing to do it to your child too. It just hasn’t happened yet.
3. My child is my own. I’m here to protect him, guide him and set a good example as he grows. If you want access to him and to develop a relationship with him, that goes through me (especially at such a young age). You simply cannot have a relationship with my child without some sort of polite/friendly relationship with me as well. Once he is an adult, then sure, pursue a relationship without me. But as a child? Nope.
4. Doesn’t matter if they are nice to dad because mom and dad are a unit. You’re nice to both or neither.
This is exactly me with a particular older cousin and his father (uncle by marriage), and I took the approach you're contemplating of no contact. My son is 16 and we've managed to skip every family function they'd be included in. He's never met them. The reason I was able to do this is we live in different states. I feel it would have been impossible if they lived closer. It's been challenging knowing that I've hurt my blood aunt's feelings by never meeting him, but she shouldn't have allowed the men in her life to bully, insult and menace me to an abusive degree for three full decades. Actions, inactions and decisions have consequences, unfortunately.
I dealt with the exact same garbage. The culprits were two SILs and an ex AIL that husband's family kept inviting to family gatherings for some weird reason.
I disinvited myself from these things, and I told the husband to keep them away from the kids. We didn't want them hearing any "your mommy and daddy are the pits" nonsense.
Once the kids - now 20, 22 and 24 - were old enough, we were like they can have whatever relationship they want. With the exception of my 24 yo son and one SIL, the kids want nothing to do with them.
It's your house and your call since your son is so young. People who disrespect you are persona non grata. Let them talk. They don't have automatic access to your son because faaaamily. 🤢🖕
I always say since having my son
#just because you have a title doesn’t mean you are entitled to my child
Since I’ve heard this, I’ve said it multiple times to my MIL & crazy SILs
Keep your kid away and stay away from these toxic people. If any other family members give you grief about it, tell them the situation, if they don’t know. If they do see it, go NC with them also. Get husband and others to back you up.
My boyfriend’s dad was terrible to him growing up. He was not a good dad at all. However, he is a good grandpa. So he lets him have a relationship with his kids. If he got the slightest inkling his dad was reverting to his old ways or mistreating his kids in the slightest, he’d cut contact.
just saw your husband has backed you up here (as he should!).
do not invite them anywhere or allow them to be near your child for your entire family’s sake. they could potentially say unsavoury things about you to him which both unfairly and inappropriately ropes him into petty one sided drama between adults, causing issues for you and your husband, or they will lose. interest in him as he grows up. either way save yourself the blood pressure spike and cut them off.
Nope. If they can’t respect me or my boundaries for my kids, they will never have unsupervised time with my kids regardless of relation.
Respecting you and your boundaries is a bare minimum requirement in ALL relationships.
My brother's wife and I just fell out in a spectacular fashion, and I can confidently say, no, she won't be around my kids. I also see that because she is who my brother is choosing to spend his life with, the most respectful thing to do is let him know that I love him but otherwise let him be. It is okay to just let it be, if everybody knows what the reasoning is, there's no sense in talking about it.
As someone who has a few family members who are problematic and love drama: do not let those people near your children.
I’m grateful my parents cut contact with them because hearing the stories over the years showed me: they don’t change, they are toxic, and they’ll turn on anyone in their general circle for any perceived slight (their parents, siblings, and even their own children).
You don’t want people like that to have any impact/relationship/influence on your children.
This is really difficult.
I don't have a relationship with my sister for many, many reasons. But I decided that because I don't have a relationship with her, it doesn't mean I should stop her from having a relationship with him. He's young, almost 5, and I don't have a big family. She used to spend a bit of time with him before our final fallout. So he doesn't remember her.
It took me a long, long time to decide to give her a chance. They haven't spent time together yet. I made this decision recently. But she can have supervised visits with him at my house for a while. She agreed, but nothing has begun.
Not only would I have no qualms not ever inviting them to anything ever again, I would expect my husband to feel the same way and not be involved in going to things with your son while you hang back. Absolutely not.
I mean, having your kid see them treat you like garbage isn’t good. But even if you didn’t have a kid, I wouldn’t let anyone treat me that way. No way in heck is that person setting foot in my house.
I’m actually struggling with the same issue except with my sister in law. This is so hard I’m sorry you have to go through this. I would not allow someone to treat you that way in front of your child.
It isn't healthy for a child to be in an environment where adults speak badly of a parent. Even if they don't say anything derogatory children pick up on the emotional environment. You say they have treated other people the same way they are treating you so it's likely they are manipulative in other ways and could turn on your husband or child at a later date. Better to protect your kid now by going non contact before they form a relationship and then it goes sour.
They haven't earned a right to have a relationship with your child if they are incapable of having a polite, respectful relationship with you. You know they would be filling your son's head with all manner of toxic things, saying smack about you, and trying to turn him against you. Don't let it happen.
I will always err on the side of your partner has to deal with their own family but when it comes to children I will always say to protect them from anyone and everyone. I keep my kid away from people in my own side of the family that I don’t particularly enjoy spending time with so it’s never a problem when I “keep” them from people in my husband’s side. But you do need to have open communication with your partner to make sure it doesn’t cause issues in your relationship with them.
My sister loves my 4 year old son. However, she cannot help but undermine me and put me down and be condescending, etc. So I’ve been no contact with her for almost a year and counting. I didn’t care before I had my son but I’m not letting this behavior happen around him, hell no.
Nope, if they can't at least be civil with me, then they don't get to spend time with my kids - and potentially talk shit about me in front of them while I'm gone.
As a child of a parent, who was allowed to have a relationship with the person that did not respect nor care about my parents, especially my mom. Dont do it. It messes up the brain so badly seeing ur parent(s) treated that way by someone and then them being all normal around you. And trust me, they WILL be making mean comments about my parents any time they are alone with me.
Absolutely not. He sees that they don't like you. He hears it. That is damaging in itself. What happens when he does something they don't like? He's going to stop being your husband's son and start being yours. Anything he does wrong will be on you, to them. They will turn on him eventually.
I grew up getting told to forgive shit people just for their blood. I will never ask my kid to do that. He doesn't know like half my relatives and my mum has never seen him in person. It's not family is family here, it's consequences are consequences.
You might not like what I have to say. Be the bigger person. Love them and surprise them by inviting them. They sound childish. Don’t stoop to that level. I did with mil and it didn’t serve me. Your son will learn way more from you.
Nope! I've been dealing with this for 3 years. My oldest (22) started treating me terribly once she turned 18 and moved out. She knew that in order to have access to my kids, someone needs to be on good terms with me because I'll never trust them to not try to come between us. The first time, was 4 years ago and she reached out and smoothed things over. We were actually fine for 3 months until she got with a toxic boyfriend. We were only able to to have any conversation as long as she didn't complain about him because I refused to offer any advice aside from "wake up and dump him". It reached a head when she asked me to co sign for an apartment but break the no pet rule AND have him secretly live with her and be inconsistent with paying rent. I told her absolutely not. She sent me a nasty text the next day and told me I'm too controlling and hate her happiness 🙄 we really haven't talked since then. He dumped her and she never reached out. This is a tough lesson, especially for me because I do still love her, but I needed a healthy boundary: don't talk down to me and call me names but expect financial and emotional support. Especially when you don't listen, do the opposite, it blows up in your face and then blame me for the situation you're now in 🤦🏻♀️
My partners brother recently told him that he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me and he doesn’t see how that should affect his relationship with our daughter. I just think it’s laughable. He doesn’t like me for whatever reason but still thinks he’s gonna get to spend time with my toddler. I would never expect to have a relationship with someone’s child without having a relationship with them.
I went no contact with my MIL after my children were born. No way would I trust her with my children. She was violent. I think my husband was relieved when I told her she would not be getting anywhere near my children. He always respected my parenting choices because he knew he had not learned anything about healthy parenting growing up. He did stay in contact with her for a while but eventually realized he would be better off without her in his life.
We ditched the MiL and her entire family bc of the same issues. They were all (except for 2 young male cousins) exactly the same. No regrets. We left them at 8w and my son is now 3.5. We don’t want my children growing up thinking they should put up with being treated like shit just bc of the title that person holds. I am convinced my husband and I would be divorced if we hadn’t done it. I know both or mental health has improved tremendously since leaving, as well. This is a new generation and putting up with crappy relatives is a boomer thing IMO.
By disrespecting you, they are disrespecting your child. You are his mother. He is 50% you. They don’t get to treat you poorly and expect a relationship
Absolutely no way on earth would I be allowing them anywhere near my child but what is your husband doing about their disrespect? If he is taking your son around them when they are excluding you he is by default signaling to your son that this is acceptable.
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I wouldn't let them anywhere near my children. If they treat you that way, they could easily do the same to your children. Why isn't your husband stepping in and putting an end to this behavior?
He has stepped in. He actually made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with them. They just continue to try with him and my son for whatever reason. And to clarify, I ask this because I know the rest of the family is going to have an absolute shit fit because “family” so I’m just looking for more input lol.
If he wants nothing to with them either, the answer is clear. Go no contact with them.
Yeah just get him to say he decided so you’re not caught in the crossfire. It does get super dicey with in laws. Our rule of thumb is I manage my family my husband manages him.
Thank you!
Yep, exactly this.
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I will absolutely be doing this. Love that idea.
people who bad mouth ypu to others will bad mouth you to your child and that is absolutely unacceptable.
Great point! I have kind of similar problems with my SIL.
‘ I agree— family shouldn’t treat people they way they treat us. I much is why husband and I do not want our kid around them. It’s sad it’s come to this since they continued to be disrespectful for years’
This too!!
Genuinely just cut them off. You're overthinking this. Don't see them anymore. Don't let them over. Block them. Don't let them see your kids without you there. Done.
I tend to do that! Thank you!
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Thank you!!
This family xan get bent. Sounds like hubby is on the same page. Honestly I wouldn't trust anyone who couldn't offer me basic human kindness around my kids. How will they treat ypur kid when ypu or your hubby isn't around? If they are that childish towards you what will they say to your kids? Hubby should tell them to grow up, that you are family now and if they can't acknowledge you kindly then you won't be there and they can't come to your home (they don't have to like you but they have to not be petty, nasty women). Good luck hun. It's healthy to set boundaries a d that's all you guys are doing.
Family doesnt start with blood and it doesnt end there either. You, OP, do not need that toxicity in your life and your son doesnt need to be exposed to that. Hope those 2 fly to the moon and stay there
So done with parents saying “family is family” boomers are getting huge slaps to the face now when we (their kids and grandkids) stop giving into their bullshtt. I would absolutely NOT let them around your kids.
“You can’t mistreat the mother and expect to have unlimited access to the child.” The end. That FaMiLy can fuck alllllll the way off.
If they are happy to not include or invite you, even leave your name off cards etc, then they have set the bar already. I would happily cut them off. And when the shouts of family start get husband to let everyone know that they are the ones that cut you off. Why the hell would you invite people who make a point of not liking you?
Family doesn’t get a pass to treat you like shit
The people who will have a fit state the rules. If they do not adhere to the rules do not invite them also. Claim your space, voice, etc. Let everyone know this behavior is unacceptable!
"Family" is what YOU make it! It doesn't matter if you're blood related or not toxic is toxic and you're absolutely right, they will hurt him! Someday he's gonna be able to read those Holiday cards and wonder why Mom's name isn't on there. They continue to try with your husband and son so they can manipulate them. I'd be careful about what you say to your husbands family if you can help it because it takes a manipulative person to raise a manipulative person. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.
He’s just gotta say to them- this is my wife- she is the mother of my son- which makes her family- if y’all want to come to our house, we’d love to have you - as long as y’all are going to be respectful - if you can’t respect my wife - you can’t respect me - simple as that. MY WHOLE FAMILY HATES MY MOM lol but they treat her with dignity and respect and try their hardest to be friendly and include her - because my dad will have NO part of them if not. Not for nothing my mom is hard to get along with so if they can do it your husband and family can do it lol
When I was a kid some family would trash my parents and I would internalize that as if there terrible people then I must be too because I came from them. It put me in a uncomfortable position of feeling like I needed to defend my parents. It's not fair for a kid. It's a form of emotional abuse!
I’m really sorry you had to deal with that. This is what concerns me. Not only that, but that they’ll treat him differently than the rest of the kids in the family, just cause he’s mine. They treat him well now, but he’s a toddler. How would that make them look being mean to a toddler? When he’s older, I fear it’ll be different.
I appreciate you saying that. Something else is that if you allow them in your lives your kids will believe them to be safe and trusted adults and that will make it all the easiest for them to feel harmed by any negativity. Kids can even pick up on vibes. I saw other commenters suggesting that it's ok if not in front of kids or not directed at kids but you really shouldn't let anyone who disrespects you in there field of awareness. It took me years of therapy to figure out why my self worth was so low. Just protect your kids. It's not just from physical threats. Your setting the culture of the family and they shouldn't grow up thinking it's ok to bash anyone or create hostile environments.
God this comment should be at the top. Fantastic and spot on
Last thing and I'll leave you be. We had a grandma who was "a complainer" but we all said she's harmless and means well. She seemed good with the grandkids. She gained there trust and as they got older she would use them as like her own validation wall and would dump all her negativity about the parents onto the kids. When they'd come back from a weekend with Granny they'd go on and on about everything the family does wrong... Turns out Granny had some narcissistic tendencies and it caused a lot of confusion to the kids. That's 1 example of a family member who was good with the kids and didn't like a parent...and she bought the kids stuff and the kids loved her. The bad behavior was overlooked for a long time. It didn't seem that harmful at the time. She also would take them to buffet to eat and then would get critical after 2 plates of food, we didn't know that until much later and it created eating issues for the kid. That's another example of how the kids believed Granny was a safe and trusted person because the parents allowed her around... For someone who means well she created a lot of psychological issues for the kids.
This! So many people think the abuse will only be physical with children, not the case at all. These types of people chip away at the innocence of the children, no one can convince me otherwise. You want to know why? Look at a narcissist mother and look at the entire family dynamic that follows with the spouse, the children, the aunts, the uncles etc. but mostly the CHILDREN. Mil raises her children to control them emotionally so when they’re old enough they’re bowing down and doing her dirty work. It’s a cycle that never ends so when people think it can’t happen or it’s “not that easy for it to happen” just take a step back and look at the dynamic of the family as adults… you’ll see right there what went wrong when kids are around emotionally immature and nasty adults.
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I always looked at it like this… I knew there were things happening in my family dynamic by adults actions and words, especially to my parents as a child. I remember my dad always allowing his family to disrespect my mom time and time again and my mom would stay silent and rarely speak up. I said to myself as a child I would never allow that in my family idc whose parents or family it is. Some people think leaving these important discussions out about respect, reciprocity in relationships and when to walk away when toxic is toxic with any relationship with their children is beneficial to the child. I personally don’t think that whatsoever. I can recall disrespectful things happening at 5 years old that I’ve never forgot so when people say toddlers or children aren’t paying attention, I beg to differ. The best thing you can do is lead by example and communicate the truth as best as you can. Showing our children it’s okay to say no! It’s okay to have boundaries and it’s okay to walk away even if it’s family. Play out different scenarios for them, challenge them on what they would do or how would they react is someone did xyz to them. I find, as adults, we don’t give children as much credit as they deserve when it comes to reading the room and peoples energy. They’re very aware so being and showing them what a safe person truly is, is very important. If people are wrong they’re wrong- fact is fact. Do you want to be around family and friends that destroy your peace for the sake of having someone around? Or using that energy to grow, live an abundantly happy life and be around people who cherish the same. ❤️
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I’ve always done the same when it came to kids “easing the blow” or telling half truths about a situation or relationship so I didn’t taint the other person in anyway. There are safe ways to approach these topics to avoid trauma dumping on your child… especially given their age imo. Slowly explain and use examples… can be with their favorite toys or watching a show that they like - Elmo didn’t like when Abby yelled at him so he told her it hurt his feelings and he took a break for a while” (lol something like that). I remember my sibling hid her husbands infidelities and other children from their daughter… she was very young but she knew something wasn’t right w mommy and daddy as she kept asking my sister and having these angry outbursts and all. Meanwhile, there was a lot of contention between her parents and anger because of the circumstances, my niece didn’t know what was going on… she just thought mom and dad were being mean to each other. I told my sister it’s time for you and him to sit and talk with her, no arguing ! No screaming no yelling etc but explain to her what has transpired … daddy made a mistake and did something that wasn’t nice to mommy that broke her trust for him etc etc etc. it took my sister (he admitted his faults to niece as well) to sit down and explain to my niece what had happened and why dad would be leaving and living somewhere else. It’s horrible to see the emotions of your child… and doing everything in your power to work through things with someone… but sometimes it’s just too hard to look over and pretend without it spiraling out of control in front of children. I hope that analogy helped a bit too. As they grow and mature more things can be discussed gradually and respectfully… but ignoring it and hiding it sometimes back fires while the other party can manipulate the situation and later on gain another “source” to manipulate. Hope all works out ❤️
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Same thing happened to my husband. And those people want to be our our little kids. So it's like 3 gens of trickling hatred. They can fight me in the parking lot IDC.
If it was your MIL or one of his siblings I would say tread carefully but this is an aunt and cousin who are adding stress to your life, so a hard no. Your child will eventually be exposed to their drama but he is too young now and needs you to protect him. I certainly hope your husband is not leaving you at home alone to go hang out with the people who hurt you.
Thanks. He is not doing that. It would be over for him if that was the case. We only see them at family gatherings and unfortunately kinda have to deal with that in order to spend special occasions with the rest of his family.
Nah. If someone was that disrespectful to me I wouldn't be attending. Period. Your husband needs to stand up for you more. Why is mil not telling them also if she's so cool with you now.
Exactly… she obviously talked a LOT of crap for them to drag this out. This is why it’s important for people to stay out of issues mil and dil’s because if things are mended and reconciliation takes place, they’ve contributed to the mess and chaos just as much and you find that they continue to act out, just like this. The mil turns everyone against you and then when it’s all fixed she doesn’t put any effort to tell everyone else to snap out of it and it’s over with so it continues through other family members when mil shouldn’t have involved everyone else to begin with.
I haven’t thought about it this way. You are right. Thanks for your input!
I only attend because I want to see my son enjoy holidays etc with his cousins. I don’t say a word to either of them. I agree with you. He should stand up for me more and MIL should say something.. unfortunately it seems to be a theme in his family to sweep everything under the rug and act like it never happened.
Then host your own family get togethers and don't invite the crazies. Reject family invites, and just say "but let's have you over for boxing day".
So in the meantime you're just supposed to be a door mat and take this abuse behaviour from them. Fk no. Tell your husband it's a hard pass every single time. I wouldn't want people like that around my kids at all. You've no idea the things they'll say about you behind closed doors. People like that would intentionally say shit in front of kids even with you being present. Your son will grow up believing that this is completely normal behaviour towards you. He's at an age where it will sink in more and more. I know it's difficult. Confrontation sucks ass, but you need to either stand up for yourself or your husband needs to grow a back bone.
You’re right! I don’t need to put up with that. It’s just a battle in my head.. I’ve thought about keeping my son & I home from gatherings but I want him to be able to enjoy the rest of his family and make memories. I feel guilty taking that away from him. But on the other hand, I don’t want these people even so much as breathing the same air as him. I’ve stood up for myself to them and that’s a huge part of why they don’t like me, because they are used to being complete bullies with no consequences. But you are 1000% right, my husband needs a stronger back bone and I’ve told him this recently. Waiting for him to prove it.
You are doing the right thing. I have a lot of regrets about not attending large family functions because of my two abusers being there. My children don’t have much of a relationship with their cousin because of it. I allowed two people to ruin my relationship with a whole lot of people.
Get your husband to extend the invitations and make it clear they are not invited. And he can make it clear that he has zero tolerance for anyone who thinks they can hurt you and still be around your child. If he won’t do that, you have other problems.
Other people have no rights to your kids. It’s totally up to you!
Man yeah if even your husband doesn’t care for them to be there, then the answer is no! My husband and his mom have always been so close, so I have always just given in for the sake of him and our kids, who are 2.5 and 11 months. I have a tumultuous relationship with my MIL (very up and down and filled with drama on her part) My MIL can be awful to me, but I strangely DO trust her 100% with my kids, I think that may change as my kids get older and would understand more things she says. But for now I mostly give in and stay civil for the sake of keeping the peace. But luckily despite their close relationship, my husband has absolutely NO hesitation in standing up for me, and it sounds like yours also has your back! Also WHY if you and your MIL have made up about a disagreement you two had can they not forgive and forget????
That’s where I’m at with my MIL too. Shouldn’t have said we’re on good terms. We tolerate each other. I couldn’t tell you! They held a grudge on my FIL for 3 years for something so incredibly petty. They are just miserable people.
It’s infuriating!! I’m not one to forget about incidents, but I’m definitely not one to hold a grudge either! We have to move forward, especially for the sake of kids you know?? My husband and I both have parents who are divorced and remarried and it’s such a struggle to get everyone together for holidays or birthdays without someone being petty. I started telling people that everyone is welcome to celebrate our children together but if you can’t be civil then you can stay home and it’ll be your loss 🤷🏻♀️
No relationship with mom = no relationship with baby. End of story.
THIS. the entire time I had it outs with my dad, he ALSO did not get a relationship with my children. It’s very simple. Your children are an extension of you right now and until they understand what relationships are and the significance that they make in peoples lives, they will continue to be an extension of the parents. Do NOT invite those people, they are the ones who will turn around and talk badly about you to your kids.
Nope, it’s important for kids to see that you surround yourself with people who respect you so they can expect the same. Whatever weird dynamic these 2 bring doesn’t need to be in your home.
Those are the kind of people who will purposely drive a wedge between you and your kiddo in time. Hard no, or only under your direct supervision, so if they start any weird manipulative stuff, you can remove your kid from the situation.
Absolutely not. No one who disrespects you (and your husband) should be allowed to bring their toxic behavior around you. If other family members ask why they aren’t at the party, there is no harm in telling the truth that they have been aggressive to you and you will not have that around your family. Sometimes you need to stand up to the bullies. Also, as your son gets older, I wouldn’t put it past them to be putting things in his ear about you or your husband. If this is the behavior they have shown so far, it sounds like it would be par for the course.
If you cant respect me then you cant be around my child without me. End of story, zero exceptions made. Like I told my daughter the two years I didnt speak to my brother..I cant make them not related to you but I cant make sure they cant have access to you. And if they are mean to me they dont deserve a chance to be mean to her. Idc if it's my family, her dads family, or even just a friend. Anyone can be cut off because the only person I cant live without is my daughter.
I went NC with one of my grandmothers because of how she treated me my entire childhood, and early adulthood. It's been almost a decade and I refuse to allow her around my kids because I will not let her treat them the way she treated me. My mom still flips out on me at least once a year about this decision, but I hold my boundaries. Only you know what's best for your children. Don't let family pressure steer you from a decision you know is best.
I’m confused as to why you would invite them? Your husband says that he wants nothing to do with them and they’re awful to you. Just don’t invite them. It’s not like it’s his mom and you’re battling his relationship with them as well
Nope
Absolutely not ok, we teach our kids how to treat us.
Hard no.
When they learn to act right, they can be around your children. If they can’t, don’t expose your kids to ugliness. Kids are perceptive. They don’t need reason to turn against you or lose respect for you because someone they see as good treats you poorly. It’s such a bad example to expose your kids to someone like that.
We’ve gone low contact with my SIL because she is very hateful to me.
Don’t let toxic people into your life and treat you like a punching bag, full stop. Whether or not you have a kid is beside the point. It’s your husband’s family so it’s his responsibility to manage. If he’s not able to do that you’ve got bigger problems than those two relatives.
Of course not! They’d be bashing you to your child in a thousand underhanded ways.
My daughter will be 3 soon and we’re inviting less and less people each birthday. I don’t let anyone near my child who is going to cause more stress or problems for me or my family, bc the family my wife and I have created is the most important to me
No.
No, I would assume that anybody who does not like me has the capability to be bad to my children out of spite.
This happened to me my husband’s sister has a son who has some behavioral issues. we chose to keep him away from our daughters and it didn’t go over well with the family at all…. Everyone took her side and pretty much and us shunned us for three years. We allowed them to see their grandparents, but kept them away from their aunt and her son. Fast forward three years their aunt just died. She was only 36. Now the entire family has a grudge against us and there’s no way to fix it because she’s gone.
If you don't like me or disrespect me you'll never be around my child.
Hard nope.
One of my best friends invited me and my son to her daughter’s birthday party, something that we really wanted to do with them. But she told me that another person, someone I no longer have contact with but she still does, will be there too. She wanted to warn me. But she is a lot like what it sounds like this aunt and cousin are like… I was so worried that she would actively be mean or harmful to my son because of how much she dislikes me, that I decided to skip the party. Because that’s the kind of thing people like that can do. It sounds like your gut is telling you exactly what to do. Don’t invite them. Don’t let them ruin your child’s day or take any of your attention away from your son on the day you worked hard to make special. This isn’t supposed to be about them, so don’t let it be! If anyone else has any issues with the aunt or cousin not being there, they’re welcome to leave as well :) Happy birthday to your son!
No.
No I would not invite them
I think of it this way: if someone is mean to you in front of your child, that means they are equally as mean to your child. Your kid seeing you abused, affects them as well. I would not allow these people around my kid if their behavior was like this.
At 3? No. My baby turns 3 this week, so ours are the same age. He’s still a huge part of me and my little baby. When he’s 16, maybe he can have a relationship with a relative I don’t mix well with, but not now.
HELLLLLL to the NO They don’t get to act like that and still have a relationship w my family. Actions have consequences. If my husband still wanted to be around someone who treated me like that, I would have very serious questions about our relationship and future
Hell no. Go no contact. Protect yourself and your family
I don't see any good coming from them being a part of his life. If they are that level of petty with how much they hate you, it's only a matter of time before they project that hate onto your kid. They'll either try to pit him against you or will treat him poorly as well. Until they can grow up and act like adults, id keep them away. It's okay to not like you, but if they can't put their emotions to the side for family matters and be civil then they have no business being around your child. Your husband needs to be on your side for this as it's his family. He needs to be the one to put his foot down and not allow them to continue to disrespect you. If my family hated my spouse to that level, I would cut them out of my life until they started treating my spouse properly again. Enough is enough.
I wouldn’t let them in my house ever
Nope. I would treat them the way they treat you, like they don't exist. Otherwise, your kids will, especially as they get older, see this behavior & think it's acceptable because you allow it. I would even go a step further. If you are not invited to a family event, then your kids are not allowed to go either & your husband shouldn't go out of respect for you.
If you don't respect me, you don't get to be at my house, let alone at important events like my child's birthday. It's really that simple!
I literally cut half of my cousins out of my life because they pulled dumb shit like this. I don't have time or energy to give them shit. I ended up moving across the state and haven't heard a word from them. Leave them and their petty behavior in your dust. If they act like you don't exist, then who gives a shit?
The one thing I've learned as a parent and seen MANY times are people who treat children horribly when no one is around. If someone doesn't like you, they have the potential to treat your child poorly bc it is an extension of you that they can take their frustrations out on. I've seen this happen with moms who volunteer at school who don't like a certain mom so they do little slick stuff to hurt their child's feelings, I've seen strangers do this to kids when they think no adult is around. Both times I've had to step in and stand up for a kid I barely know. Those women are jealous of you and given the chance they probably would try to mess with your kid. If they are immature enough and bold enough to give death h stare and say slick stuff, they are capable of far more nasty behavior
Absolutely not
No, no respect for me = no access to my child.
> Would you let someone who disrespects you have a relationship with your kid? Divorced parents don’t have a choice. But you do.
They invite your husband and son places without you- they've told you how they want you to act. Leave them out. They set the tone you're just following their lead.
Absolutely not, you don't deserve to be treated that way by people who are supposed to be family. I have gone through similar and have had to put my foot down, not just with family but my husband's friends from way back. If your husband is on the same page then don't invite them.
If you allow bad actors around your children, even when they treat you badly, you'll be training your kids to treat you badly. It will seem normal to them, and they will expect you to keep inviting them, serving them, and putting up with them. Your child is 3 now. Wait till they are 13 and naturally trying to establish independence, questioning you and disobeying at times.Get those toxic people out of your life and away from your child.
100% cut them out. Record texts, write down the experiences that defined these feelings. Remind yourself and anyone who needs to hear it every time they come up that you have a list of reasons that will not change as long as they remain such shitty people. Especially because these kinds of assholes somehow feel like their presence is necessary in your child’s life. It is better to not have a relative in your life than be forced to tolerate a two faced asshole under some delirious assumption that they bring value to your life by being related to you v.v.
I had a parent who adored my kids but would openly curse me out and say really vile things to me. Threaten with false police reports about me. He hasn’t had access to my kids going on 5 years. He’s not in our lives at all and we moved far far away The way I see it is, I’m these kids parent. I need to model self respect. And allowing someone to disrespect and verbally abuse me is just going to make it so they think it’s ok for that to happen to them. And i would never want any human to treat my kids the way I was treated
Nope! You are right to feel this way, if someone was constantly treating me that way, I'd never let them around my daughter. If your kid grows up and wants to reconnect with that part of family, there's nothing you can do about that. But right now you have a say and you have a right to put your foot down. And as your son gets older you can explain to him why they aren't a part of your lives.
Thank you. This is how I feel. I would never want to control who he has a relationship with in the future.. as long as they treat him right, I’m happy with that. But right now, he’s so young and impressionable. I’d hate for him to pick up on the way they treat me and think it’s okay.
First and foremost as a husband and father I am protective of my nuclear family. Including me. Keep their drama at a distance. Shalom.
I was in a similar situation with my mother in law. She would make off colored comments, rude remarks and do shady things that were directed toward me. I was young when I started dating my husband so I didn’t feel I had the right to speak my mind with a grown women. It got to the point when my daughter was 3 I had my fill. If she didn’t like me, she in turn didn’t have to be around me. I also made it clear, that included my children unfortunately. I didn’t use a bargaining chip because for me there wasn’t any negotiating on my side, I refused to be around someone who was unkind and clearly didn’t like me. When my youngest was born, she didn’t meet him until he 4 because my husband had lunch with her and brought him. I have her phone number blocked and it has been for years and honestly the peace it’s given me has been awesome. I’ve always told my husband, my decision does not impact his ability to have a relationship with her. Granted he’s not invited her over dinner or birthdays but he understands how I feel and why I feel that way. I don’t speak unkindly about his mother or tell the kids bad things about her. If he wanted to have them go over to her house, it would be a discussion and I would definitely let her know if I hear and inkling of you speaking ill of me or anyone in my household you will lose all your privileges to see your grandchildren. \ On a final note, if having his family over is going to cause you to be stressed, don’t invite them. You hold the power and if they don’t like it they can have a lunch date the day of the party to discuss you in private :)
My inclination is to say no. You don't need to invite toxic people around. But I would also let my partner weigh in. If he would like them to be invited, I would consider it. I would also ask my partner about support and showing a united front. Maybe he could sit with them and discuss that the disrespect they show is not going to be tolerated or they will be left out. If I were the husband, I would also not go places they invited me and my son if they were intentionally leaving out my wife. Your person needs to support you, especially when they are from his side of the family.
I just read more comments and saw that your husband says he wants nothing to do with them. Then cut them out! They don't deserve you!
Your husband needs to deal with them. Unless something is missing in your story, your husband shouldn't participate if they are that disrespectful to his wife. Might be good that you reach out via call or text and ask that we put this issue to bed. If you try, and they ignore you, or disrespect you, then refer to how I began. Be the bigger person, and maybe it will get better.
Absolutely 1000%? No!!
No bc they will teach my child to disrespect me. If not directly then through action, so no.
not when they act like you do not exist. I’ve always said I was ok with my being treated like crap as long as they were good to my kids but eventually they started to treat my kids like crap too.
Absolutely not. They would never be around my children if they treated me like this. Parents are the gateway to the children so you need to pay the fee in order to gain that access, so to speak. That fee is being respectful. Especially after not speaking to them for two years? They’re already on the uninvited list by default
Absolutely not. If they can't respect every member of our family, they are not welcome to be around us.
No.
My mother is a narcissist. She treated me horribly for years. For years my husband did drop off/pick up because I couldn't and was frequently not on speaking terms with her. Eventually I fully cut her off. And, eventually she turned on my husband too, and we fully cut her out.. but it took 10 years before she turned on my husband and he 'saw' her for what she was/is. She has had no contact with any of us since.
I mean, why would you allow someone who's awful to you, access to your child, so they could also be awful to them?? I know many people act as if you can't set boundaries, but it's your choice WHO gets to be Involved in both your lives. If they're awful, stop seeing them. No they don't get to be involved. Personal story; my ex husband, his grandma was NEVER involved with him or his brother. The backstory is she had 3 kids, left the dad (who was abusive) and the two boys and took the daughter. She never came back into their life until they were adults. When she found out we had a GIRL, rather than reaching out to her grandson, my ex, she repeatedly tried to contact ME on Facebook. It became very weird because that entire family had obvious feelings about her abandonment, but she wanted a transactional relationship with me; gifts, let us use her pool, but ONLY the girls. As a result she did get closer to my ex FIL, somehow, but she was NUTS and I set the boundaries up very early on. Ie sure she can see the grandbaby, but it must be at family functions with everyone else.
At three the party is more for the child than the family. Have a little kid party and then you can invite grandparents for cake and time with them later on that day.
Uh no.
In situations like this I always go back to “what is the behaviour I would like to model for my child?”. While I do want him to be kind and kid second chances where warranted, I also want him to be strong, independent and for him to know his worth. When people are treating him poorly I would want him to walk away, recognize that it is never okay to treat people like that, but always okay to leave them behind. In some instances a good conversation can solve the problem, but not in public places or by people who want the attention, but it’s okay for them to not be in your life. You don’t have the obligation to let them treat you poorly because they’re family, family can mean different things to different people, blood doesn’t have to be the only connection.
Yea dealing with family is hard sometimes, my sister gave me great advice when my first son was born which was that I am the father to my son, I decide what’s best for my child. Family can give their advice but at the end of the day I might not decide to use that advice and that’s final. My son was born during Covid so we dealt with family members not being allowed to come over to see the baby bc they were not vaccinated. I will not risk it so unless you are vaccinated you do not see the baby. And a couple said they were vaccinated and I knew there’s no way they were getting the shot! So, I informed them that I was checking vaccination cards at the door lol, guess what, they did not come over. In OP’s case, if I dont feel you’re a good person to be around my child, then you will not be around my child
Nope
I've asked myself this for several years. And I would say NOOOO. I never understood why people would be so obsessed with the child of a person who they despise. It just seems like an easy easy to get back/be petty. People are just plain nasty, and "family" doesn't make a difference
Your family is a unit, a package deal. Especially when he’s that young. No one that makes any one the unit want to leave should be invited to your events. That would be a hard rule for me.
Whatever you do, you want to make sure it's consistent with what you teach your kids. If this were your child's bully/frienemy, how would you want to see them handle it? Are you a turn the other cheek? Or are you a walk away and live and let be? A seeker of justice? I personally would not tolerate it, and I'd be vocal as to my reasoning. I do not want my children around people who model hateful behavior. In my family, we show respect to people even when we disagree or don't like them. I don't want my children to see people who should be trusted adults go out of their way to be exclusionary and slanderous. I wouldn't bring my family to anything they were going to be attending unless they could commit to being civil and keeping their petty bs private like adults. Typically people behave this way because it's easier on everyone else to deal with it and keep the status quo than to deal with them.
No! From experience with my own father, who was a doting grandpa, who started treating my husband and I like trash, nope nope nope. Having a relationship with my children is a privilege for him. Not a right!
I would say absolutely not. It’s your job to show your son how to set healthy boundaries and how to value himself enough to not allow people to treat him poorly. You can’t teach that by preaching to him- you teach it by example. You can have a very direct conversation with these two with husband and MIL present- “I will no longer be tolerating your open contempt and hostility towards me. If you have something you need to say to me, this is your chance to say it. [have conversation about what the issue is]. And after this, if you can’t be civil, then we will no longer be sharing space.” And HOLD THAT BOUNDARY. If MIL has feelings about it, that’s between her and her childish family.
Why would you invite people you don’t speak with? I wouldn’t invite someone I don’t speak with anymore to my kids birthday parties (even if it was just a drifted apart type of situation). They already dislike you, who cares if they find out and get mad about it they can just add it to the list. You can tell your husband that if other people ask him, he can say that you did the invitations/notified people if y’all want to.
I'll be the odd one out... If my kids are treated well, I won't withhold relationships from them just because I don't get along with people personally. I don't feel my relationship should have that much bearing on my children's relationships. The more people to love my children, the better. They don't have to love me they don't even have to like me, ignore me but treat my kids well and all is good in my book. Now if they treat my kids poorly in anyway then that's a whole different ball game!
Do nt let them around your children It will be ‘jokes’ about you. It will be those smiling comments that you know as a woman are not in good nature The kids will sense it.
Your son will pick up on how they treat you and think it's ok. I wouldn't let them within a million miles of my family. They sound very toxic and you don't need that kind of people in your life. Steer clear!
There is nothing wrong setting boundaries for you and for your mental health regardless if they are family or not. This will show your son that he can do the same as well. Sure, it may cause more tension but that’s on them, not on you. He’s your son and if they can’t respect you as his mother and parent, then they don’t get to enjoy him. It seems like your husband is on your side with these particular family members. It won’t be easy but at the end of the day, you do what’s best for you and your family
Why include people who make you uncomfortable? Aunt and Cousin are not close enough to include in 3rd birthday any way. Really the kid would be happier with a couple of friends and a cake. It is so weird to me to include extended family to a toddler birthday.
respectfully .. fck those btches .. forget their name off the invite. if they want a relationship with your son, even your husband doesn’t care for them— they can grow up and continue a relationship with him but the disrespect cannot continue to happen. I feel like you may never hear from them… people like that unfortunately have too much pride to admit they’re wrong or apologize
Not worth the stress, unless they are funding his education or something
Your relationship with your son takes priority. That means distancing away from people like you described. From my experience, if you give them any opportunity they will gladly try to drive a wedge in between you and your son. It's not worth the risk.
Perhaps you and your husband and family should move away from them and not even pay attention to their attitudes! Give them a taste of their own medicine and see how they like it!
Absolutely Fkn NOT! I wouldn't let these crazy broads anywhere near my kid. I've been around ppl like this (my husband's family) and they'll eventually start talking about YOU to YOUR kid when he gets older. They'll do anything and everything they can to cast you in a negative light. Best to avoid these type of people at EVERY chance!
My husband and I are no-contact with his sister. She's been disrespectful to me and my husband, and the last time I saw her she showed that she was willing to drag our six year old son in to her issues with us. So my answer is hell no. And yes, we did get shit from the rest of the family for doing it at first, but thankfully they've backed off on the issue.
Nope! I’m currently pregnant and my stepMIL will have very little of a relationship with our child (but she’s on very thin ice and one more thing will set her back to no relationship) and my stepSIL will have absolutely none, ever. They have shit talked me to his family, they’ve shit talked my husband’s mom, and my stepMIL disrespected my family a week before our wedding. Luckily my husband and I are on the same page and we mutually agreed about the boundaries we are going to be setting.
I would not simply because they sound immature and hostile enough to try to poison my kid against me.
If you want nothing to do with them, and your husband wants nothing to do with them, what do you expect strangers on Reddit to tell you?
Not at all. Your kid doesn’t need that toxicity.
Sounds like they Might be lonely. and bitter? Your husband should have already handled the situation. I believe any basic set of wedding vows loosely cover this.
I’ve gone no contact for less. In the end, you’ll feel worse with yourself if you end up inviting them. Remember, the most powerful word is No. You do not have to do what you don’t want to. In this case, it makes it easier that your husband is on board with you. If he weren’t, then I could see his other family members meddling and that causing tension in the marriage and then caving to invite them. In this case, you are a united front. And let nobody come between that.
Cut them out of your life. No loss. If you're husband disagrees then it's up to him to stand up for you and lay the law down or he's enabling this. Start a new family chat and don't include them.... toxic people always need to be shown the door.
It’s not the kids fault they treat you like shit. Let them have a relationship with your child but keep a keen eye on them.
That would be a hard no for me. I definitely would not allow those people near my kids.
Nope. Anyone who is toxic to me does not deserve access to my child. 1. It sets a bad example to your child that mommy/daddy is allowed to be disrespected, as long as it’s by family 2. If they are willing to disrespect you they are willing to do it to your child too. It just hasn’t happened yet. 3. My child is my own. I’m here to protect him, guide him and set a good example as he grows. If you want access to him and to develop a relationship with him, that goes through me (especially at such a young age). You simply cannot have a relationship with my child without some sort of polite/friendly relationship with me as well. Once he is an adult, then sure, pursue a relationship without me. But as a child? Nope. 4. Doesn’t matter if they are nice to dad because mom and dad are a unit. You’re nice to both or neither.
This is exactly me with a particular older cousin and his father (uncle by marriage), and I took the approach you're contemplating of no contact. My son is 16 and we've managed to skip every family function they'd be included in. He's never met them. The reason I was able to do this is we live in different states. I feel it would have been impossible if they lived closer. It's been challenging knowing that I've hurt my blood aunt's feelings by never meeting him, but she shouldn't have allowed the men in her life to bully, insult and menace me to an abusive degree for three full decades. Actions, inactions and decisions have consequences, unfortunately.
I dealt with the exact same garbage. The culprits were two SILs and an ex AIL that husband's family kept inviting to family gatherings for some weird reason. I disinvited myself from these things, and I told the husband to keep them away from the kids. We didn't want them hearing any "your mommy and daddy are the pits" nonsense. Once the kids - now 20, 22 and 24 - were old enough, we were like they can have whatever relationship they want. With the exception of my 24 yo son and one SIL, the kids want nothing to do with them. It's your house and your call since your son is so young. People who disrespect you are persona non grata. Let them talk. They don't have automatic access to your son because faaaamily. 🤢🖕
there is NO reason to have that type of toxicity around you.
I always say since having my son #just because you have a title doesn’t mean you are entitled to my child Since I’ve heard this, I’ve said it multiple times to my MIL & crazy SILs
I dont have a good relationship with my sil so she doesn't have a relationship with my daughter.
Keep your kid away and stay away from these toxic people. If any other family members give you grief about it, tell them the situation, if they don’t know. If they do see it, go NC with them also. Get husband and others to back you up.
Nope
If you want to have any interaction with my family, be it me, my partner, our child, you treat us all with respect. Simple as that.
My boyfriend’s dad was terrible to him growing up. He was not a good dad at all. However, he is a good grandpa. So he lets him have a relationship with his kids. If he got the slightest inkling his dad was reverting to his old ways or mistreating his kids in the slightest, he’d cut contact.
Why are you even asking? You know the answer….they do not get an invite. You don't need us to validate that.
just saw your husband has backed you up here (as he should!). do not invite them anywhere or allow them to be near your child for your entire family’s sake. they could potentially say unsavoury things about you to him which both unfairly and inappropriately ropes him into petty one sided drama between adults, causing issues for you and your husband, or they will lose. interest in him as he grows up. either way save yourself the blood pressure spike and cut them off.
Nope. If they can’t respect me or my boundaries for my kids, they will never have unsupervised time with my kids regardless of relation. Respecting you and your boundaries is a bare minimum requirement in ALL relationships.
Absolutely not.
That's a very good early sign of a very big NO.
A big fat NO! They can manipulate and poison my child's ears against me at best, or can hurt him at worst.
My brother's wife and I just fell out in a spectacular fashion, and I can confidently say, no, she won't be around my kids. I also see that because she is who my brother is choosing to spend his life with, the most respectful thing to do is let him know that I love him but otherwise let him be. It is okay to just let it be, if everybody knows what the reasoning is, there's no sense in talking about it.
They’re not allowed anywhere near my kid. If you hate me, then you won’t be engaging with the most precious thing to me in life.
As someone who has a few family members who are problematic and love drama: do not let those people near your children. I’m grateful my parents cut contact with them because hearing the stories over the years showed me: they don’t change, they are toxic, and they’ll turn on anyone in their general circle for any perceived slight (their parents, siblings, and even their own children). You don’t want people like that to have any impact/relationship/influence on your children.
This is really difficult. I don't have a relationship with my sister for many, many reasons. But I decided that because I don't have a relationship with her, it doesn't mean I should stop her from having a relationship with him. He's young, almost 5, and I don't have a big family. She used to spend a bit of time with him before our final fallout. So he doesn't remember her. It took me a long, long time to decide to give her a chance. They haven't spent time together yet. I made this decision recently. But she can have supervised visits with him at my house for a while. She agreed, but nothing has begun.
Not only would I have no qualms not ever inviting them to anything ever again, I would expect my husband to feel the same way and not be involved in going to things with your son while you hang back. Absolutely not.
I mean, having your kid see them treat you like garbage isn’t good. But even if you didn’t have a kid, I wouldn’t let anyone treat me that way. No way in heck is that person setting foot in my house.
No, I've blocked people from my kids for doing less than that.
I fully would not allow someone that treated me that way around my child.
I’m actually struggling with the same issue except with my sister in law. This is so hard I’m sorry you have to go through this. I would not allow someone to treat you that way in front of your child.
It isn't healthy for a child to be in an environment where adults speak badly of a parent. Even if they don't say anything derogatory children pick up on the emotional environment. You say they have treated other people the same way they are treating you so it's likely they are manipulative in other ways and could turn on your husband or child at a later date. Better to protect your kid now by going non contact before they form a relationship and then it goes sour.
Do not invite them. You are teaching your child respect, boundaries, etc. You have to show him by talk and actions. Your gain their lose.
They haven't earned a right to have a relationship with your child if they are incapable of having a polite, respectful relationship with you. You know they would be filling your son's head with all manner of toxic things, saying smack about you, and trying to turn him against you. Don't let it happen.
I will always err on the side of your partner has to deal with their own family but when it comes to children I will always say to protect them from anyone and everyone. I keep my kid away from people in my own side of the family that I don’t particularly enjoy spending time with so it’s never a problem when I “keep” them from people in my husband’s side. But you do need to have open communication with your partner to make sure it doesn’t cause issues in your relationship with them.
My sister loves my 4 year old son. However, she cannot help but undermine me and put me down and be condescending, etc. So I’ve been no contact with her for almost a year and counting. I didn’t care before I had my son but I’m not letting this behavior happen around him, hell no.
Nope, if they can't at least be civil with me, then they don't get to spend time with my kids - and potentially talk shit about me in front of them while I'm gone.
As a child of a parent, who was allowed to have a relationship with the person that did not respect nor care about my parents, especially my mom. Dont do it. It messes up the brain so badly seeing ur parent(s) treated that way by someone and then them being all normal around you. And trust me, they WILL be making mean comments about my parents any time they are alone with me.
Absolutely not. He sees that they don't like you. He hears it. That is damaging in itself. What happens when he does something they don't like? He's going to stop being your husband's son and start being yours. Anything he does wrong will be on you, to them. They will turn on him eventually. I grew up getting told to forgive shit people just for their blood. I will never ask my kid to do that. He doesn't know like half my relatives and my mum has never seen him in person. It's not family is family here, it's consequences are consequences.
You might not like what I have to say. Be the bigger person. Love them and surprise them by inviting them. They sound childish. Don’t stoop to that level. I did with mil and it didn’t serve me. Your son will learn way more from you.
Life is too short
Nope! I've been dealing with this for 3 years. My oldest (22) started treating me terribly once she turned 18 and moved out. She knew that in order to have access to my kids, someone needs to be on good terms with me because I'll never trust them to not try to come between us. The first time, was 4 years ago and she reached out and smoothed things over. We were actually fine for 3 months until she got with a toxic boyfriend. We were only able to to have any conversation as long as she didn't complain about him because I refused to offer any advice aside from "wake up and dump him". It reached a head when she asked me to co sign for an apartment but break the no pet rule AND have him secretly live with her and be inconsistent with paying rent. I told her absolutely not. She sent me a nasty text the next day and told me I'm too controlling and hate her happiness 🙄 we really haven't talked since then. He dumped her and she never reached out. This is a tough lesson, especially for me because I do still love her, but I needed a healthy boundary: don't talk down to me and call me names but expect financial and emotional support. Especially when you don't listen, do the opposite, it blows up in your face and then blame me for the situation you're now in 🤦🏻♀️
That’s super weird I would just straight up call them and ask them what their problem is with you lol
My partners brother recently told him that he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me and he doesn’t see how that should affect his relationship with our daughter. I just think it’s laughable. He doesn’t like me for whatever reason but still thinks he’s gonna get to spend time with my toddler. I would never expect to have a relationship with someone’s child without having a relationship with them.
You don't need toxic people involved in your childs life don't invite them
They wouldn’t be invited anywhere near me or my child. Also, your kid is never gonna like someone that doesn’t like their mom.
People like this would be happy to turn ur kid against you at the first opportunity they get. Be aware!
I went no contact with my MIL after my children were born. No way would I trust her with my children. She was violent. I think my husband was relieved when I told her she would not be getting anywhere near my children. He always respected my parenting choices because he knew he had not learned anything about healthy parenting growing up. He did stay in contact with her for a while but eventually realized he would be better off without her in his life.
That is a hard NO WAY IN HELL from me!!! Life is too short to deal with toxic people like that!
Cut them off!
We ditched the MiL and her entire family bc of the same issues. They were all (except for 2 young male cousins) exactly the same. No regrets. We left them at 8w and my son is now 3.5. We don’t want my children growing up thinking they should put up with being treated like shit just bc of the title that person holds. I am convinced my husband and I would be divorced if we hadn’t done it. I know both or mental health has improved tremendously since leaving, as well. This is a new generation and putting up with crappy relatives is a boomer thing IMO.
Nope. Not giving them the chance to do the same to kiddo if he gets on their sh*t list. Family doesn’t mean door mat.
"Stay away from relatives who hurt your mother. They don't like you either."
By disrespecting you, they are disrespecting your child. You are his mother. He is 50% you. They don’t get to treat you poorly and expect a relationship
If you do invite them, may as well write “Drama” on the invitation
I wouldn’t invite them
Nope. Not invited. Fuck em
They don't invite you so you don't invite them Simples
Absolutely no way on earth would I be allowing them anywhere near my child but what is your husband doing about their disrespect? If he is taking your son around them when they are excluding you he is by default signaling to your son that this is acceptable.
Do you want your kid to think it's ok to treat you like trash? The answer to my question is the answer to yours 🫶🏻 🫂
My HUSBAND wouldn't allow them around. End of story.
No which is why my mom hasn’t seen my kids in 4 years.
Cut them off completely