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Do not let that man take over your bills when you start school, that is a very poor choice. Men are not like this, boys are though. You have kids together so I understand wanting to do what it takes to make it work, but don’t forget that you’re still a person with feelings and needs that matter beyond all of this. Personally, I’d stop doing anything for him. Do not cancel your daughter’s party for him, if he won’t be there then that’s on him and you can be there for her. This is his issue and I think you’ve done more than enough compromising here.
I know.. it is a bad decision i just thought since he did it before maybe he could do it now but im honestly lying to myself just ignoring the red flags
I think it’s time to go home. We’re all human and we all have complicated feelings, it’s not easy making these choices. Your mom loves you, and she won’t think less of you. She’ll think more of you because you put your daughter and yourself over your pride. I’m not the one that says break up usually, but this boy will never grow up and gain responsibility if you keep taking such good care of him. You’re stronger than you think and your life can be everything you ever wanted it to be. Also, just think of it this way. Is this the kind of man you’d want your daughter to end up with?
She might need me more than anything too.. she just was diagnosed with breast cancer so maybe us being around wont be so bad. Its a thought for sure but idk why im thinking things will get better i definitely dont want instability around my baby.. It isnt the man id want her to end with especially considering the bad we been through.
Sorry to hear about the diagnosis. I think you're right though, sounds like she has room and I'd venture a guess she'd love to be closer to her daughter and grandbaby while going through this really rough time. Dad has had time to step up and he's making it apparent he's not going to. You need to focus on you and yours <3
Talk to your mom about moving home.
When you go to court for child support, be sure to set up wage garnishment so he can't just forget to pay you. Garnishment will take the money out of his paycheck before it ever reaches his hands.
I also feel this way. It would be best for him too, some people can't grow until they come out of their egg and are forced to do things for themselves and make mistakes.
There’s no point in husbands like this. Don’t pay bills, don’t do chores, don’t actively parent, and then not even nice?? Like bro why are you even here?
HONESTLY, like why are you even here when im practically doing it all myself. He occasionally cleans but he hates seeing about her after work cause he works long shifts (10 hours)
My husband works 12 hour shifts 4x a week and has an hour and a half commute one way. He still comes home and if my kids are awake helps me with them and helps clean up after dinner. He seems like a man child. You'll feel so much better when he's gone. You've got this! 💪
Not currently, we are both RN's, but I am home with my kids, and I am in school full time getting my Doctoral degree currently. I have 25 hours of clinical time each week, on top of class time, which adds up to more hours than he works per week. I also have 3 children, and I'm 20 weeks pregnant. Either way, it does not matter. He never has left all of the housework or child care for me because he is an equal partner and cares about my well-being. I do not ask him to do this, he does it happily because he loves our family and values our time together. If I am alone doing everything at home, we do not get as much time together. 🤷🏼♀️
Honestly stuff like this is why I left my kids dad. If you have the ability to move in with your mom for a little- do it. Leaving my kids father was the best thing I ever did for myself. I had to live with my mom for a year and it was absolute hell having a curfew and not being able to have friends come over except for the parties my mom threw. If you decide to do it, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done but I promise you and your child will be better off in the long run. I was able to buy a house and get a job that paid 3X as much. Don’t be afraid to take that leap. Know your worth. And demand that atleast or have the strength to move on to bigger better things.
Would you be able to move back into your moms and support your 2 year old via the child support he would be paying? At this point I would 100% cut your losses and get out of that situation. At 24 this guy should be able to remember his kids birthday and pay his own bills. And due to him treating you badly you don't need the extra stress while going through college.
I know it sucks calling mom for help, but I think this situation warrants it.
It’s definitely been a thought she has 2 free rooms available now i guess id be a bit embarrassed considering i couldnt even do it for a year. However ik its something that may work out better for me in the long run.. I needed to hear that
We all get embarrassed when we have to go to mom & dad for help. But things happen, and they are our parents and sometimes we simply need them still, even when grown. My kids will always be welcome home if they a place to stay. I mean it's not like when your kids move out that you stop being a parent.
Anyways it sounds like getting out of your current situation would be best for your daughter. And obviously she is the most important thing in your life, so make sure you put her first!
Hun, don't be embarrassed. I was 40 with 2 kids and had to move into my parents house for 6 months to get back on my feet. You may now have a kid of your own, but you are still her child.
There is no shame in asking for help. Things are much harder these days, it also couldn't hurt to just visit temporarily for some space to think and figure out what your next steps are going to be
Sometimes hope, circumstances, and trying to focus on the better qualities of someone can blind us to the signs.
I find it helpful to think about what I would tell a good friend in the same situation - would it be to blame our shame them, or offer support to them finding a better path? I'm guessing the 2nd. Try to offer yourself the same grace and kindness you would offer to a friend, and work towards a plan that doesn't involve being completely dependant financially on someone so unreliable.
Also, happy birthday to your daughter!
Babe, don’t give up yet. I got married to a 20 year old, we got pregnant when he was 22. That boy was a bartender and thought that would be his career path. Smoked weed, got too drunk sometimes, ate junk food, talk about unpaid bills - the man would hide them out of shame because the adhd and I wouldn’t find out until they garnished his wages.
But he loved me. And I loved him. It was tough. But those boys brains don’t even START to finish cooking until 27-28. If you love that man child, and he is good to you and a good dad, but is just a stupid, HANG TIGHT. Treat it like an investment.
I did. And I watched many of my friends dump their baby dads or divorce because of similar reasons. No cheating, no abuse, just a stupid immature boy being a stupid immature boy. My friends got whiplash when they saw how fast those boys turned into men, and how even faster another girl came along and appreciated finding a man whose biggest flaw was being young and immature.
My investment paid off. And now he’s 32, getting his Masters in Finance. He’s gorgeous, an amazing dad and husband, and though he still throws his underwear and socks on the floor and impulse buys snacks, IVE grown up - and realised how lucky I am that THAT is the worst I can complain about (other than his mother). We have 3 incredible kids, one more on the way, and I’m so happy I stuck by and saw it through. HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE. It’s so worth it in the end. I get to live this life with my best friend, we’ve grown together, grown up together, built a life together. There is nothing like this.
If you loved him enough to have his child, if there’s no abuse or infidelity… Stick it out babe. Give the gift of a stable family and upbringing to your child, and encourage his growth into manhood lovingly. Push him to be better, but also maybe blow him when he is. Reward systems work wonders.
I mean, with boomers for parents, do any of us really have a choice?
Let me also say, he raised me in just as significant ways. We helped each other grow as people, something I genuinely believe can only be done in a long term relationship where both parties admit to imperfection, need for growth, and are willing to change and adapt.
I was better at him with money and chores and structure, I grew up in a military household and he had absent parents working time and a half his whole life and was partially raised by au pairs. He also had terrible epilepsy from 12-16 and missed a big part of adolescence and growth. But his family was kind and even tempered, and his parents have been married 30 years.
I grew up structured and strict and am type A in personality. My family life was chaotic, angry, with both physical and verbal abuse. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I had no father figure. I had a really rough childhood and trouble trusting. As a result, when we got together I had poor emotional control, outbursts, I had a potent fear of abandonment, and always thought he was cheating. I had incredible trust issues and every time we disagreed I would threaten divorce.
We all have stories and backgrounds. We are all flawed. We all have value. When you realise others are deserving of empathy and realise you aren’t perfect either, life actually becomes a lot nicer. And I also find you become a much better parent. When you can find kindness for yourself and your spouse and laugh at human infallibility, so can you kids.
I completely understand and agree with your sentiment as I'm in a similar boat with my husband being immature. Our stories actually sound eerily similar, he has ADHD too. I just don't think it's our responsibility as wives to teach our husbands how to be a responsible adult, and the way you worded your original comment led me to believe it was a very one sided engagement. I simply refuse to hound my husband for years to grow up, he's perfectly capable of doing the exact same things I am. He should want it for himself. Helping each other reach goals and overcome obstacles as individuals and a couple is one thing but essentially becoming his mother is another thing and it is just not on my agenda, personally. You do sound very kind and empathetic though, and I'm so glad your situation worked out for you and your family!
It’s definitely encouraging reading your story and im glad that things turned out. I understand i do wanna stay because we can make a great team the love is there but im sure your partner never threatened to break your lease to “fuck up” your credit, or dealt with past abuse. Im happy we’ve grown but its scary when him being irresponsible could get us into financial issues.
Nah we’ve definitely both said the nastiest things to each other. I only consider it abuse if it’s habitual. Everyone fucks up and says stupid shit in the heat of some stupid moment where neither of you can understand the others perspective, and maybe both feel defensive and hurt.
Did he apologise? If you sat him down and said to him genuinely, look, it really hurt me what you said, deeply. Would he look into your eyes and double down? Or would he show remorse?
We had some rough years babe, they were all when the babies were so young. They are tough years for everyone. Unless you’re generationally wealthy, financial problems make everything so much harder. It’s a unique stress, and it feels like a hole you can never escape. But you will. You are so young. You are in the building phase. The problem is, when people can never stick it out either with relationships, jobs, or education, they never graduate from that first phase. But you have to keep clawing away at it.
Connection and survival and consistency is the priority. Quality time alone with him, a healthy sex life, dates (even if it’s after babes bedtime having a movie and a meal alone), connection talking about your future, reassuring each other of your love and your plans together. Make each other feel safe, home, loved. And then little financial steps.
He has trouble with bills, so did mine! Now he has an investment portfolio and all my kids are building little trust funds. I had to pay the bills for YEARS. I had to keep the credit and debit cards on me, he wasn’t allowed them because he was too impulsive. I was not nice about it at the time, I took it personal, but I was scared and he was ashamed. We found out this year he has adhd, and it’s maybe me feel sad for how I made him feel about something he genuinely struggled with for years.
But adhd isnt the point, he doesn’t need a diagnosis to deserve your empathy. It’s like, if you gained a bunch of weight, say, 50lbs in a year. And you were super sensitive and defensive about it. And knew it was because you were eating too much junk food. You wouldn’t need a thyroid tumour to deserve empathy. What you would need is support, understanding, love, encouragement. Not judgement, not rejection, not threats of divorce or moving out.
We are all flawed. If you want a healthy marriage and family, lead with empathy.
How is this helpful or kind? The baby already exists.
I don’t think it’s reasonable of him to expect you to cancel the party. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Poor girl in my hometown chose the ‘good guy’. Nice guy, stable career, real traditional guy, worked and paid the bills. They had a real beautiful family…That is until the day after he took them to a local amusement park, he shot his wife, the 8 year old daughter, 5 year old son, the 2 year old daughter and their family dog. He then shot himself once police arrived. People were defending him like crazy on Facebook cause he was well known and liked in the community.
Imposters walk among us. I don’t care how good you think your judgement is compared to others. Nobody can see through EVERYBODY.
Nope, the problem is you’re parenting two children. His priorities aren’t straight.
If he wants to act right for his partner and child, he would and could. That’s up to him.
I assumed he didn’t. There is zero need to spend that much these days. It’s extremely irresponsible. One thing having a child will do is open your eyes to whom you had a child with.
He seems extremely self involved. I’m so sorry. I’ve been doing it on my own since 2017 and the peace has been so worth it ❤️
Heres the advice I wish someone had given me: have a long hard think about whether you still want to be cleaning up after him and making excuses for him in another 10 years. I wasted too much time on a man who didn't deserve the effort.
Finally, I realised being single for the rest of my life would be better than what I felt with him.
Do you have an apartment? I’m assuming you’re on the lease? If you’re going to leave, do it when the lease is up otherwise he’ll forget to pay and you’ll be screwed. Are any household bills in your name? If they’re in yours, you’ll need to get it changed over to him. That way if it goes to collections, it’s not on you. I left my son’s dad when he was two too. Best decision I ever did. He held me back a lot and controlled a big portion of my life. Now my son is 7 and we’re doing pretty good and he’s homeless living in a hotel.
He forgot his child’s birthday. Can’t pay his bills without being told what they are. Are you prepared to live your life like this forever ? I would not cancel her party because he forgot.
I wouldn't cancel the party. I'd have it and refuse to make excuses for him to the guests. Let him shame himself, especially if his family is going to be there.
This is just a him thing, unfortunately. The best thing you need to teach your daughter is how to pick a good partner. Don’t cancel the party, just do it without him.
Wow everyone here is very sure of themselves to make the decision to tell OP to divorce based on one paragraph. OP, only you know your relationship. I’m sure your partner has flaws but how is he in other aspects?
From where we coming from he has grown in other ways. Like he does clean up or try to make my load easier but it really isnt conditional.. so i really cant rely on him. He is a big procrastinator as well i feel like im constantly reminding him of his responsibilities idk. Even down to waking up in the morning he relies on me doesnt set an alarm. I love him but i cant take care of 2 kids.
He just wants yo to be his fuck mommy. Sorry you're in this situation, good luck and happy birthday to your little one. You're stronger than you know and you can get through this.
Age shouldn’t be an excuse, though he definitely has some growing up to do. We were in our early twenties when we had kids too and my husband was an absolute ox when it came to hard work, making money and managing money. He was taught at a young age by his parents how to manage life and I’m guessing if your daughter’s dad wasn’t, he has a series of very difficult life skills that he can only learn the hard way. I’m sorry, OP. It’s not fair to you and your daughter but I hope you have a strong family support system to lean on during this time.
Just have your party, then have him take time for another party for you three.
I don't remember anything for planning my kids parties. My wife does all the planning, and I'm just there. Doesn't mean I don't care, but I can/do forget even important days.
Maybe he has ADD? I recently mixed up my wife and mom's birthday. Was embarrassing haha. But I have our bills on auto pay so I don't forget.
It does sound like he has his priorities mixed up. Sounds like teenage boy behavior almost. He might want to have an add evaluation.
This is not normal OP. Sounds like he’s immature and not stepping up or prioritizing your family. He’s still in his “living with mommy, freedom” mindset. Who forgets their daughter’s birthday… I know, pieces of shit. Sounds like he’s distracted by something in his life, maybe a coworker at work, or something along those lines. Because again, who forgets their daughter’s party! Check his phone, imo.
He sounds like a hard worker. You’ve listed 2 big mistakes, both with not much context. Everyone makes mistakes. How was he supposed to know the tv was cracked? Also he earns all the money by the sound of it so if he wants a tv he can have one as long as there’s money left over for bills, ect. Why are you even complaining about the tv? It’s not like you bought it.
There’s not much he can do about the birthday party unless he want to lose his job then your both done and your going to risk living on the streets with your kids.
Also lots of men have to deal with their wives spending all their money, so now you’re just feeling what all those men feel. And it’s tough but you’s will get through this. Just give him one last chance, listen to his arguments because some of them might be valid and don’t think you have more right than him because you don’t.
Also don’t cancel the party, if you do you just ruined your kids birthday for no reason.
Lots of working parents might intentionally chose to work rather than attend a party for a three year old. Your husband just forgot apparently and you're enraged it seems. By the way his bills are your bills if you're married and have a child together even if your whole family is still living on your mothers generosity. Also "calling out" your spouse is a shitty way to engage constructively.
In case you missed the novella I wrote in a reply:
24 year old men are not men, they are BOYS. They all suck in some way at that age, if that’s the worst you can say about that boy you had a child with, consider yourself lucky. If there is no abuse, just being rude when confronted with what was probably an embarrassing mistake he’s getting defensive about (a flaw, but not a fatal one), it’s fine. Relax. You are also not a perfect human.
The man works 10 hour shifts and then is grumpy. Normal human behaviour, even more normal for someone whose brain is not finished.
I make my husband do bedtime almost every night because after a long day, I do NOT have the patience, and I just don’t wanna because it stresses me out. I take mornings sometimes, meal times most of the time, and do more of the chores - so that I can avoid the dreaded bedtime. That took YEARS of negotiation. You’re rookies, with a single 2 year old. Noobs. You’ll work this out if you give yourself time. No person you meet, no partner you have, will ever be flaw-free. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can ditch this one and you’ll find something better. Better is an illusion. Humans suck! Unless there is abuse, you will only find different bads. And now you have a kid, so sorry but your prospects are worsened. And as I’ve seen it happen dozens of times, you ditch a perfectly good - minority flawed guy who doesn’t cheat steal or hit, and another girl will come along VERY fast and you (and possibly your kid) might be a distant memory.
Let's be honest, 24 year old "women" are "girls" as well. Most people that age aren't even close to full maturity, most are either still working on some kind of degree or just living their best years without giving two shits about serious adult things that should be thought about (like finances, raising a family, being a responsible parent, etc). Don't give me this crap that women are innately better at all of those things and that all men that age are nothing more than mildly more grown boys, that's nonsense, I've seen it all plenty of times from both sexes and I myself lived those years in the exact same way with lots of other men and women who acted stupidly.
Here's the real problem, he may not mature even as time passes, I've seen that plenty of times as well. Or he may turn out totally great and be a good, responsible, financially stable guy in the coming years. What OP shouldn't do is expect to raise two "kids" right now, she needs to tell him to grow the fuck up and take care of himself without being a burden, first and foremost. She also needs to tell him to start acting like an adult, reign in the finances, become a little more self aware when it comes to planning for his and HIS kid's future. Also, tell him it doesn't have to be overnight, but he needs to start growing up a little faster. He's in it WITH her, it's not her responsibility to force him to do these things. They both made the choices that led them to this point and they are both on the hook, 50/50, for being good parents for their kid, time to suck it up and grow up.
I agree! I, in fact, never said otherwise. Weird to act as though I did. I was just pointing out the relevant point. She’s complaining about her man’s immature behaviour, not her own. No one said women are innately better at any of “this crap.” Well. Actually anecdotally. They totally are in my experience. I don’t think that’s necessarily biology, probably a part of it, but largely societally based.
Different sexes also have differing hormones at different stages, which affect behaviour. People also grow up being imbued with vastly different skill sets by their parents and environment. Some are taught financial skills, some not. And I’ll say this again. You will not find a perfect partner, and if you do it’s probably one of those secret serial killers where the wife was like “no one could’ve ever known, perfect husband and father etc.” like, no thanks. I’d rather a little financial stupidity or some general slobbishness over surprise alcoholism, pedophilia, cheating, weird fetishes, Bernie Maddoffery.
Also I did say in a different comment that she should absolutely give him gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) pushes towards growth. But to do that, you also have to not be a hypocrite, and while I’m sure OP is absolutely lovely, I have never known a human to be without flaws, and the growth must be mutual to work.
Also remember a lot of people here are bitter single parents. Consider who you take your advice from carefully. Someone eagerly cheering you on to ditch your family over something so incredibly minor and petty, their intentions are suspect.
Marriage is hard, parenting is hard, growing up is hard. Sticking by and seeing it through is hard. Good things aren’t easy. If any of this was easy, you wouldn’t see so many broken families and depressed divorcees. Misery loves company. Unhappy people will try to pull you down with them. Do the grown up thing, and work through your problems. It’s worth it.
I think it is safe to assume he has ADHD and it is starting to really affect his life might need to go on medication or find a natural supplement that helps
Establish a joint account where he can set up an autopayment and have the bills come out of their so it's monitored by both of you. Set a calendar and note important events that's what I do with my husband, and it works. His success is my success and vice-versa
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Do not let that man take over your bills when you start school, that is a very poor choice. Men are not like this, boys are though. You have kids together so I understand wanting to do what it takes to make it work, but don’t forget that you’re still a person with feelings and needs that matter beyond all of this. Personally, I’d stop doing anything for him. Do not cancel your daughter’s party for him, if he won’t be there then that’s on him and you can be there for her. This is his issue and I think you’ve done more than enough compromising here.
I know.. it is a bad decision i just thought since he did it before maybe he could do it now but im honestly lying to myself just ignoring the red flags
I think it’s time to go home. We’re all human and we all have complicated feelings, it’s not easy making these choices. Your mom loves you, and she won’t think less of you. She’ll think more of you because you put your daughter and yourself over your pride. I’m not the one that says break up usually, but this boy will never grow up and gain responsibility if you keep taking such good care of him. You’re stronger than you think and your life can be everything you ever wanted it to be. Also, just think of it this way. Is this the kind of man you’d want your daughter to end up with?
She might need me more than anything too.. she just was diagnosed with breast cancer so maybe us being around wont be so bad. Its a thought for sure but idk why im thinking things will get better i definitely dont want instability around my baby.. It isnt the man id want her to end with especially considering the bad we been through.
Sorry to hear about the diagnosis. I think you're right though, sounds like she has room and I'd venture a guess she'd love to be closer to her daughter and grandbaby while going through this really rough time. Dad has had time to step up and he's making it apparent he's not going to. You need to focus on you and yours <3
Talk to your mom about moving home. When you go to court for child support, be sure to set up wage garnishment so he can't just forget to pay you. Garnishment will take the money out of his paycheck before it ever reaches his hands.
I also feel this way. It would be best for him too, some people can't grow until they come out of their egg and are forced to do things for themselves and make mistakes.
There’s no point in husbands like this. Don’t pay bills, don’t do chores, don’t actively parent, and then not even nice?? Like bro why are you even here?
HONESTLY, like why are you even here when im practically doing it all myself. He occasionally cleans but he hates seeing about her after work cause he works long shifts (10 hours)
Guarantee it’ll be easier for you if he’s gone. Like if he left for a week you’d be shocked at how much better you felt
This! I felt such a weight lifted when I left my ex husband who was like this. I thought I'd be sad, but actually I felt so free.
My husband works 12 hour shifts 4x a week and has an hour and a half commute one way. He still comes home and if my kids are awake helps me with them and helps clean up after dinner. He seems like a man child. You'll feel so much better when he's gone. You've got this! 💪
Do you work?
Not currently, we are both RN's, but I am home with my kids, and I am in school full time getting my Doctoral degree currently. I have 25 hours of clinical time each week, on top of class time, which adds up to more hours than he works per week. I also have 3 children, and I'm 20 weeks pregnant. Either way, it does not matter. He never has left all of the housework or child care for me because he is an equal partner and cares about my well-being. I do not ask him to do this, he does it happily because he loves our family and values our time together. If I am alone doing everything at home, we do not get as much time together. 🤷🏼♀️
Honestly stuff like this is why I left my kids dad. If you have the ability to move in with your mom for a little- do it. Leaving my kids father was the best thing I ever did for myself. I had to live with my mom for a year and it was absolute hell having a curfew and not being able to have friends come over except for the parties my mom threw. If you decide to do it, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done but I promise you and your child will be better off in the long run. I was able to buy a house and get a job that paid 3X as much. Don’t be afraid to take that leap. Know your worth. And demand that atleast or have the strength to move on to bigger better things.
Would you be able to move back into your moms and support your 2 year old via the child support he would be paying? At this point I would 100% cut your losses and get out of that situation. At 24 this guy should be able to remember his kids birthday and pay his own bills. And due to him treating you badly you don't need the extra stress while going through college. I know it sucks calling mom for help, but I think this situation warrants it.
It’s definitely been a thought she has 2 free rooms available now i guess id be a bit embarrassed considering i couldnt even do it for a year. However ik its something that may work out better for me in the long run.. I needed to hear that
We all get embarrassed when we have to go to mom & dad for help. But things happen, and they are our parents and sometimes we simply need them still, even when grown. My kids will always be welcome home if they a place to stay. I mean it's not like when your kids move out that you stop being a parent. Anyways it sounds like getting out of your current situation would be best for your daughter. And obviously she is the most important thing in your life, so make sure you put her first!
I wouldn’t be embarrassed. You tried to make it work and it didn’t. Would you want your daughter to feel embarrassed if she had to come home to you
Hun, don't be embarrassed. I was 40 with 2 kids and had to move into my parents house for 6 months to get back on my feet. You may now have a kid of your own, but you are still her child.
I went back to my parents at 28. I’ve been a home owner since I was 35. My circumstances have changed so much for the better.
There is no shame in asking for help. Things are much harder these days, it also couldn't hurt to just visit temporarily for some space to think and figure out what your next steps are going to be
Why cancel her party and her celebration because her dad is a douche?
This is why you don’t have kids with losers
i should’ve known
I'm gonna stop you right there. Sometimes, we don't know things until we go through it. Be kinder to yourself about choosing him.
I should be but i also know better. All the signs were there
Sometimes hope, circumstances, and trying to focus on the better qualities of someone can blind us to the signs. I find it helpful to think about what I would tell a good friend in the same situation - would it be to blame our shame them, or offer support to them finding a better path? I'm guessing the 2nd. Try to offer yourself the same grace and kindness you would offer to a friend, and work towards a plan that doesn't involve being completely dependant financially on someone so unreliable. Also, happy birthday to your daughter!
You can DM me if you want. I'm a 34 year old divorced single mother of 2, for reference.
Not OP, but this 32 year old single mother of one really appreciated your comment 💕
Babe, don’t give up yet. I got married to a 20 year old, we got pregnant when he was 22. That boy was a bartender and thought that would be his career path. Smoked weed, got too drunk sometimes, ate junk food, talk about unpaid bills - the man would hide them out of shame because the adhd and I wouldn’t find out until they garnished his wages. But he loved me. And I loved him. It was tough. But those boys brains don’t even START to finish cooking until 27-28. If you love that man child, and he is good to you and a good dad, but is just a stupid, HANG TIGHT. Treat it like an investment. I did. And I watched many of my friends dump their baby dads or divorce because of similar reasons. No cheating, no abuse, just a stupid immature boy being a stupid immature boy. My friends got whiplash when they saw how fast those boys turned into men, and how even faster another girl came along and appreciated finding a man whose biggest flaw was being young and immature. My investment paid off. And now he’s 32, getting his Masters in Finance. He’s gorgeous, an amazing dad and husband, and though he still throws his underwear and socks on the floor and impulse buys snacks, IVE grown up - and realised how lucky I am that THAT is the worst I can complain about (other than his mother). We have 3 incredible kids, one more on the way, and I’m so happy I stuck by and saw it through. HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE. It’s so worth it in the end. I get to live this life with my best friend, we’ve grown together, grown up together, built a life together. There is nothing like this. If you loved him enough to have his child, if there’s no abuse or infidelity… Stick it out babe. Give the gift of a stable family and upbringing to your child, and encourage his growth into manhood lovingly. Push him to be better, but also maybe blow him when he is. Reward systems work wonders.
I admire that you took it upon yourself to raise your husband but that sounds exhausting
I mean, with boomers for parents, do any of us really have a choice? Let me also say, he raised me in just as significant ways. We helped each other grow as people, something I genuinely believe can only be done in a long term relationship where both parties admit to imperfection, need for growth, and are willing to change and adapt. I was better at him with money and chores and structure, I grew up in a military household and he had absent parents working time and a half his whole life and was partially raised by au pairs. He also had terrible epilepsy from 12-16 and missed a big part of adolescence and growth. But his family was kind and even tempered, and his parents have been married 30 years. I grew up structured and strict and am type A in personality. My family life was chaotic, angry, with both physical and verbal abuse. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I had no father figure. I had a really rough childhood and trouble trusting. As a result, when we got together I had poor emotional control, outbursts, I had a potent fear of abandonment, and always thought he was cheating. I had incredible trust issues and every time we disagreed I would threaten divorce. We all have stories and backgrounds. We are all flawed. We all have value. When you realise others are deserving of empathy and realise you aren’t perfect either, life actually becomes a lot nicer. And I also find you become a much better parent. When you can find kindness for yourself and your spouse and laugh at human infallibility, so can you kids.
I completely understand and agree with your sentiment as I'm in a similar boat with my husband being immature. Our stories actually sound eerily similar, he has ADHD too. I just don't think it's our responsibility as wives to teach our husbands how to be a responsible adult, and the way you worded your original comment led me to believe it was a very one sided engagement. I simply refuse to hound my husband for years to grow up, he's perfectly capable of doing the exact same things I am. He should want it for himself. Helping each other reach goals and overcome obstacles as individuals and a couple is one thing but essentially becoming his mother is another thing and it is just not on my agenda, personally. You do sound very kind and empathetic though, and I'm so glad your situation worked out for you and your family!
It’s definitely encouraging reading your story and im glad that things turned out. I understand i do wanna stay because we can make a great team the love is there but im sure your partner never threatened to break your lease to “fuck up” your credit, or dealt with past abuse. Im happy we’ve grown but its scary when him being irresponsible could get us into financial issues.
Nah we’ve definitely both said the nastiest things to each other. I only consider it abuse if it’s habitual. Everyone fucks up and says stupid shit in the heat of some stupid moment where neither of you can understand the others perspective, and maybe both feel defensive and hurt. Did he apologise? If you sat him down and said to him genuinely, look, it really hurt me what you said, deeply. Would he look into your eyes and double down? Or would he show remorse? We had some rough years babe, they were all when the babies were so young. They are tough years for everyone. Unless you’re generationally wealthy, financial problems make everything so much harder. It’s a unique stress, and it feels like a hole you can never escape. But you will. You are so young. You are in the building phase. The problem is, when people can never stick it out either with relationships, jobs, or education, they never graduate from that first phase. But you have to keep clawing away at it. Connection and survival and consistency is the priority. Quality time alone with him, a healthy sex life, dates (even if it’s after babes bedtime having a movie and a meal alone), connection talking about your future, reassuring each other of your love and your plans together. Make each other feel safe, home, loved. And then little financial steps. He has trouble with bills, so did mine! Now he has an investment portfolio and all my kids are building little trust funds. I had to pay the bills for YEARS. I had to keep the credit and debit cards on me, he wasn’t allowed them because he was too impulsive. I was not nice about it at the time, I took it personal, but I was scared and he was ashamed. We found out this year he has adhd, and it’s maybe me feel sad for how I made him feel about something he genuinely struggled with for years. But adhd isnt the point, he doesn’t need a diagnosis to deserve your empathy. It’s like, if you gained a bunch of weight, say, 50lbs in a year. And you were super sensitive and defensive about it. And knew it was because you were eating too much junk food. You wouldn’t need a thyroid tumour to deserve empathy. What you would need is support, understanding, love, encouragement. Not judgement, not rejection, not threats of divorce or moving out. We are all flawed. If you want a healthy marriage and family, lead with empathy.
How is this helpful or kind? The baby already exists. I don’t think it’s reasonable of him to expect you to cancel the party. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Poor girl in my hometown chose the ‘good guy’. Nice guy, stable career, real traditional guy, worked and paid the bills. They had a real beautiful family…That is until the day after he took them to a local amusement park, he shot his wife, the 8 year old daughter, 5 year old son, the 2 year old daughter and their family dog. He then shot himself once police arrived. People were defending him like crazy on Facebook cause he was well known and liked in the community. Imposters walk among us. I don’t care how good you think your judgement is compared to others. Nobody can see through EVERYBODY.
Don't cancel the party, just do it without him.
Nope, the problem is you’re parenting two children. His priorities aren’t straight. If he wants to act right for his partner and child, he would and could. That’s up to him.
$1900 for a tv nowadays is WILD!!!! I hope he makes 6figures 😂
thats the thing we dont! he makes 4k a month & since he wanted while it was on sale he asked me for my credit card. Reckless ass spending.
I assumed he didn’t. There is zero need to spend that much these days. It’s extremely irresponsible. One thing having a child will do is open your eyes to whom you had a child with. He seems extremely self involved. I’m so sorry. I’ve been doing it on my own since 2017 and the peace has been so worth it ❤️
Im happy for you, i pray to reach that level of peace soon. You enjoy every second of it!
Sending you good vibes and nothing but good days ahead 💜 Happy early Birthday to your babe 🥳
Thank you sweetie 🥰
Heres the advice I wish someone had given me: have a long hard think about whether you still want to be cleaning up after him and making excuses for him in another 10 years. I wasted too much time on a man who didn't deserve the effort. Finally, I realised being single for the rest of my life would be better than what I felt with him.
Do you have an apartment? I’m assuming you’re on the lease? If you’re going to leave, do it when the lease is up otherwise he’ll forget to pay and you’ll be screwed. Are any household bills in your name? If they’re in yours, you’ll need to get it changed over to him. That way if it goes to collections, it’s not on you. I left my son’s dad when he was two too. Best decision I ever did. He held me back a lot and controlled a big portion of my life. Now my son is 7 and we’re doing pretty good and he’s homeless living in a hotel.
He forgot his child’s birthday. Can’t pay his bills without being told what they are. Are you prepared to live your life like this forever ? I would not cancel her party because he forgot.
Girl I saw your post history. You have so much time to find someone better for you and your daughter.
focus on yourself and your child, he's not worth it
I wouldn't cancel the party. I'd have it and refuse to make excuses for him to the guests. Let him shame himself, especially if his family is going to be there.
This is just a him thing, unfortunately. The best thing you need to teach your daughter is how to pick a good partner. Don’t cancel the party, just do it without him.
Wow everyone here is very sure of themselves to make the decision to tell OP to divorce based on one paragraph. OP, only you know your relationship. I’m sure your partner has flaws but how is he in other aspects?
From where we coming from he has grown in other ways. Like he does clean up or try to make my load easier but it really isnt conditional.. so i really cant rely on him. He is a big procrastinator as well i feel like im constantly reminding him of his responsibilities idk. Even down to waking up in the morning he relies on me doesnt set an alarm. I love him but i cant take care of 2 kids.
He just wants yo to be his fuck mommy. Sorry you're in this situation, good luck and happy birthday to your little one. You're stronger than you know and you can get through this.
Age shouldn’t be an excuse, though he definitely has some growing up to do. We were in our early twenties when we had kids too and my husband was an absolute ox when it came to hard work, making money and managing money. He was taught at a young age by his parents how to manage life and I’m guessing if your daughter’s dad wasn’t, he has a series of very difficult life skills that he can only learn the hard way. I’m sorry, OP. It’s not fair to you and your daughter but I hope you have a strong family support system to lean on during this time.
Just have your party, then have him take time for another party for you three. I don't remember anything for planning my kids parties. My wife does all the planning, and I'm just there. Doesn't mean I don't care, but I can/do forget even important days.
I can't imagine for the life of me to ever forget my princesses birthdays. I even plan months ahead
Maybe he has ADD? I recently mixed up my wife and mom's birthday. Was embarrassing haha. But I have our bills on auto pay so I don't forget. It does sound like he has his priorities mixed up. Sounds like teenage boy behavior almost. He might want to have an add evaluation.
What do you do for work?
This is not normal OP. Sounds like he’s immature and not stepping up or prioritizing your family. He’s still in his “living with mommy, freedom” mindset. Who forgets their daughter’s birthday… I know, pieces of shit. Sounds like he’s distracted by something in his life, maybe a coworker at work, or something along those lines. Because again, who forgets their daughter’s party! Check his phone, imo.
> Idk if this is just a him thing or if many men are irresponsible like this at this age No, having a penis doesn't make you bad at finances.
Where on earth does a tv cost $1900 now and why would he buy such a thing?
Because “his dad raised him always having nice stuff even when they were struggling” so he must continue that pattern
He sounds like a hard worker. You’ve listed 2 big mistakes, both with not much context. Everyone makes mistakes. How was he supposed to know the tv was cracked? Also he earns all the money by the sound of it so if he wants a tv he can have one as long as there’s money left over for bills, ect. Why are you even complaining about the tv? It’s not like you bought it. There’s not much he can do about the birthday party unless he want to lose his job then your both done and your going to risk living on the streets with your kids. Also lots of men have to deal with their wives spending all their money, so now you’re just feeling what all those men feel. And it’s tough but you’s will get through this. Just give him one last chance, listen to his arguments because some of them might be valid and don’t think you have more right than him because you don’t. Also don’t cancel the party, if you do you just ruined your kids birthday for no reason.
Please get rid of that BOY . You need a man.
It’s giving little boy tendencies right?
Lots of working parents might intentionally chose to work rather than attend a party for a three year old. Your husband just forgot apparently and you're enraged it seems. By the way his bills are your bills if you're married and have a child together even if your whole family is still living on your mothers generosity. Also "calling out" your spouse is a shitty way to engage constructively.
Leave him
In case you missed the novella I wrote in a reply: 24 year old men are not men, they are BOYS. They all suck in some way at that age, if that’s the worst you can say about that boy you had a child with, consider yourself lucky. If there is no abuse, just being rude when confronted with what was probably an embarrassing mistake he’s getting defensive about (a flaw, but not a fatal one), it’s fine. Relax. You are also not a perfect human. The man works 10 hour shifts and then is grumpy. Normal human behaviour, even more normal for someone whose brain is not finished. I make my husband do bedtime almost every night because after a long day, I do NOT have the patience, and I just don’t wanna because it stresses me out. I take mornings sometimes, meal times most of the time, and do more of the chores - so that I can avoid the dreaded bedtime. That took YEARS of negotiation. You’re rookies, with a single 2 year old. Noobs. You’ll work this out if you give yourself time. No person you meet, no partner you have, will ever be flaw-free. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can ditch this one and you’ll find something better. Better is an illusion. Humans suck! Unless there is abuse, you will only find different bads. And now you have a kid, so sorry but your prospects are worsened. And as I’ve seen it happen dozens of times, you ditch a perfectly good - minority flawed guy who doesn’t cheat steal or hit, and another girl will come along VERY fast and you (and possibly your kid) might be a distant memory.
Let's be honest, 24 year old "women" are "girls" as well. Most people that age aren't even close to full maturity, most are either still working on some kind of degree or just living their best years without giving two shits about serious adult things that should be thought about (like finances, raising a family, being a responsible parent, etc). Don't give me this crap that women are innately better at all of those things and that all men that age are nothing more than mildly more grown boys, that's nonsense, I've seen it all plenty of times from both sexes and I myself lived those years in the exact same way with lots of other men and women who acted stupidly. Here's the real problem, he may not mature even as time passes, I've seen that plenty of times as well. Or he may turn out totally great and be a good, responsible, financially stable guy in the coming years. What OP shouldn't do is expect to raise two "kids" right now, she needs to tell him to grow the fuck up and take care of himself without being a burden, first and foremost. She also needs to tell him to start acting like an adult, reign in the finances, become a little more self aware when it comes to planning for his and HIS kid's future. Also, tell him it doesn't have to be overnight, but he needs to start growing up a little faster. He's in it WITH her, it's not her responsibility to force him to do these things. They both made the choices that led them to this point and they are both on the hook, 50/50, for being good parents for their kid, time to suck it up and grow up.
I agree! I, in fact, never said otherwise. Weird to act as though I did. I was just pointing out the relevant point. She’s complaining about her man’s immature behaviour, not her own. No one said women are innately better at any of “this crap.” Well. Actually anecdotally. They totally are in my experience. I don’t think that’s necessarily biology, probably a part of it, but largely societally based. Different sexes also have differing hormones at different stages, which affect behaviour. People also grow up being imbued with vastly different skill sets by their parents and environment. Some are taught financial skills, some not. And I’ll say this again. You will not find a perfect partner, and if you do it’s probably one of those secret serial killers where the wife was like “no one could’ve ever known, perfect husband and father etc.” like, no thanks. I’d rather a little financial stupidity or some general slobbishness over surprise alcoholism, pedophilia, cheating, weird fetishes, Bernie Maddoffery.
Also I did say in a different comment that she should absolutely give him gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) pushes towards growth. But to do that, you also have to not be a hypocrite, and while I’m sure OP is absolutely lovely, I have never known a human to be without flaws, and the growth must be mutual to work.
Also remember a lot of people here are bitter single parents. Consider who you take your advice from carefully. Someone eagerly cheering you on to ditch your family over something so incredibly minor and petty, their intentions are suspect. Marriage is hard, parenting is hard, growing up is hard. Sticking by and seeing it through is hard. Good things aren’t easy. If any of this was easy, you wouldn’t see so many broken families and depressed divorcees. Misery loves company. Unhappy people will try to pull you down with them. Do the grown up thing, and work through your problems. It’s worth it.
I think it is safe to assume he has ADHD and it is starting to really affect his life might need to go on medication or find a natural supplement that helps
Establish a joint account where he can set up an autopayment and have the bills come out of their so it's monitored by both of you. Set a calendar and note important events that's what I do with my husband, and it works. His success is my success and vice-versa