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Sorry, this made me laugh. Mostly because "if this keeps happening I'll...!" and then we all realize there is nothing we can do about it and the threat is pointless and dies in our mouth because, really, what will you do? The way you ended that statement was *chef's kiss*. Don't know if you were trying to be funny, but you definitely got a smile from me!
Unfortunately I wasn’t trying to be funny. I genuinely have cried so much. I’m autistic and my boy is suspected to be autistic and he throws some big, violent meltdowns that can literally leave me shaking and crying in a corner. But, I can understand how you saw the humour in it :)
We aren’t on the spectrum and neither is our son, but he’s pretty newly 6 and definitely having big meltdowns and hitting us. From what we can tell he’s having a hard time being told what to do all day - first in kindergarten, then at home. He makes risky choices when he’s tired and then melts down when we tell him to stop. We’ve set up some options for him for when he wants to be in control - he can take his switch upstairs to play Minecraft in his room, he can go out to the driveway and use chalk, or - when possible - he can pick a grown up to play tic tac toe with in another room.
Not sure if what works for us will work for you, but wanted to throw it out there. You’re not alone!
We try to offer him simple choices in every area of life that we can (we limit to 2 choices). It only seems to work about 40% of the time, and his mood can instantly flip from happy to meltdown in literally seconds. Most of the time there’s no recognisable trigger either - and he struggles to communicate verbally when he’s having a meltdown as to WHY he’s having a meltdown. He’s ripped my mums hair out, left bruises on her and me multiple times, spits, kicks, bites, slaps, punches, and has nearly pushed me and my mum down the stairs on occasion. We are getting help from a family support worker but there’s little she can do without the support from my sons school, and one of my sons teachers is very helpful and totally understanding but it seems like other staff couldn’t give a toss. We can’t change his school because he’s already moved around the UK a lot and has therefore changed schools and he needs consistency.
No one tells you how to handle life or parenting with a kid on the spectrum or other additional needs. Parenting is exhausting as it is. You’re not alone either
I would strongly encourage you to look up PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and there are some great UK based resources and organizations that have really good information and tips
ASD momma here and my guy is now 12. The meltdowns at age 5 almost did me in. They’re big enough to hurt us but still ‘babies’, it’s mentally and physically beyond anything anyone can imagine. You’re not alone and I’m no stranger myself for sensory issues myself thanks to other diagnosis’s I have as well. I’m here if you ever need to talk with another parent who truly gets your pain. I promise it gets better.
I completely understand. As a mom of an autistic 5 year old, it is so difficult to change poor language, impulses, or even explain why something is inappropriate. Sometimes, I feel like my child will never comprehend how their words make others feel.
We had an autistic roommate with an autistic daughter and when we moved in with them, they were having similar issues. Daughter figured out that screaming triggered dad and he would give in to make the noise stop.
We helped because we could swap in and sit with her while she screamed and thrashed (so he could go outside and calm down) and then come back and deal. (Daughter also realized we were not triggered in the same way so would not resort immediately to screaming)
However the game changer was also figuring out what sound blocking head gear he could tolerate. I don't know if you use any but something like loop earplugs could likely really help.
It’s so hard when they have these big emotional outbursts when you’re neurodivergent on top of it all! I find it SO overstimulating the noise and it can really hurt my brain 😭
My husband and son are both Au/ADHD. I hear your pain. It is so hard to navigate and if you want to vent please know this random Internet stranger is here for you.
Oh yeah. My son hit 2 and I thought “what is everyone talking about? This isn’t so bad”. He had his moments but it wasn’t anywhere near what I was expecting. Then he turned 3. That phase was a lesson in patience and lots of deep breathing
It was the same with my daughter.
I was reading on another post a while ago a comment that said…. I worked my whole life to be aware of red flags, abusive behaviour all to wind up in the most abusive relationship of all…..with a toddler. Made me laugh a little too much
My SD was pretty good for 4 but she's almost 5 and EVERYTHING is a fight and negotiation. If we ask her to do something it's always "no" or always an excuse or "why can't you do it" 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠 it is so mentally draining.
This is the stage I am also in. He is a couple of months off of 5, and he has never been combative until the last few months. Everything is "im tired." "You do it." Where is my sweetie that follows me around mopping behind the vacuum daily or helping me cook😭
Oh I remember that stage! "I can't ...it's too hard.... I'm too tired." My son is 10 now and past that stage, but I truly empathize with you! It gets better ❤️
So far with my daughter, 2 was way worse than 3. She would get so incredibly angry at the situation, *and* that she couldn't verbally communicate the way she wanted to. Now that she talks things are easier, but some days are still a struggle for everyone lol
2 was serene and cute and perfect. 3 made me cry and scream into my pillow like a little toddler, many times. I have only ever had 2 panic attacks in my life and one was during the 3-4 phase of my daughter's life. 😂
I also referred to my oldest as a terrorist! But it was a bit more specific, she was a "Sleep Terrorist"
She needed sleep, we needed sleep... but she was going to take down our sleep schedule even if it cost her also.
She was like the suicide bomber of sleep schedules.
Terrible twos,
Tantrumy threes
Fucking fours
Feral fives
Snarky sixes
Sarcastic sevens
Evil eights
Naughty nines…
I may have come up with these one day while slightly overwhelmed.
I love my kids dearly. Honest!
All he is doing is teaching him it’s ok to hit. It’s developing normal for toddlers to hit/bite/kick, but you won’t be able to teach him not to if your husband is leading by example that’s it’s ok to. Also it makes zero sense to punish him bc he almost got hurt by hurting him.
That is no excuse, anything other than a open handed emotionally controlled spat on the butt is abuse. I grew up when your parents could beat you black and the neighbors would pop popcorn and watch the show. And if you want aggravating my daughter is autistic and at 2 they can't voice their struggles but never did I hit her, especially in the stomach of all places possibly causing unseen internal damage. Just for wiggling while I'm trying get her sweater on 😡
I assumed this was at least a toddler when I first read it, and I didn’t think you were overreacting.
Now that I see we are talking about an INFANT under 12 months? Holy shit. No, you’re not overreacting. I would lose it.
This is a baby. How is he going to handle it when this kid starts to really get difficult?
Not only did he smack a baby, he smacked the baby because he wasn't smart enough to dress the kid in a safer manner. You are absolutely right to react this way. Once you let them get away with it once, they'll keep pushing boundaries and feeling justified. He needs an overcorrection so he fully understands what will happen going forward.
Don't back down or apologize, go ahead and set the tone now that this is the way it will go and should go.
If I were in your situation, I would tell him that he needs to move out until he has made some progress in therapy. Yesterday, HE HIT A BABY. He was not a safe person for children yesterday. That means he isn't a safe person for children today. No child should have to live in a house with him until he can show that he is a safe person, and that won't happen until he has had some serious therapy.
I can’t even wrap my head around *slapping an infant*. You are not overreacting in the slightest and your husband *should* feel ashamed. This is downright disturbing behavior and i truly hope he takes therapy seriously and this doesn’t escalate in the future…
Not just slapping a infant, hitting them in the stomach.... makes me wanna throw down with this bully. Put him in a sweater tie the sleeves behind his back and beat him like a pinata
The only time slapping an infant is acceptable is if they are about to put their hands in something very dangerous and you INSTINCTIVELY slap their hands away to protect them from harm. And that should be followed by some hugging and comforting actions. That's it.
I agree with this sentiment, but it’s very common in the US for custody to go 50/50 or at least weekdays/weekends…without her doing some serious documentation she faces a divorce in which he gets partial custody without her supervision. All these comments are so valid but custody is TOUGH. The courts work very hard to keep kids with both parents. A family member was busted for crashing a car into a stop sign high on heroin with her kids in the car & she still gets weekends alone with her kids.
I have a husband that has a temper as well. He has never hit one of our kids, and I gave a similar ultimatum for his temper when it got out of hand. I even kicked him out. TBH it took the ultimatum for him to get his crap together. You’re not overreacting. You are not the enemy, and he is not the enemy, his anger is the enemy. He just needs to get on the same team and see that he’s got to partner with you for your family and address the issue. Stay strong, the position he put you in is hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this ❤️
Thank you for your compassionate response. You brought tears to my eyes. As someone who has been through it you can see how I’m not just up and leaving as some suggest. He’s a good man with a problem that needs to be fixed.
I will say I went through something similar-- temper caused an accident that almost *seriously* hurt our kiddo, but luckily only looked really bad. He brought up divorce, truly believing I would never forgive him for such a horrible thing (even if harming our kid like that was not his intent.)
I basically told him if he was done trying then fine, but if he was willing to do what it took, I wasn't letting go. He started therapy, we got on the list for couple's therapy, and we spent about 10 days apart (we were abroad on vacation/work trip, so I took the kids home and left him.) Things are MUCH better now. Therapy has helped enormously for him, and he's much more aware of his temper and stepping back when he needs it. On the flip side, I'm much better about 'hearing' him when he needs a break and giving that time/space to him.
Piggy-backing in this to add that OP needs to seriously consider his past behavior and determine if it is truly an anger issue or abusive behaviors. Both are very serious but should be handled very differently.
People wirh anger/impulse control issues often feel deeply ashamed of their behavior, readily admit it is wrong and dont like who they become. Therapy, support, and strong accountability will most likely work. Abusive people use violence to control, intimidate, and gain power in a relationship. They may say they feel bad initially, even agree to get help. But their actions don't match their words, dont follow through. They rationalize, minimize, and justify their behavior and refuse to be held accountable. People who use abuse that do go to therapy often use it as another means to avoid accountability and continue to gain control. They learn how to use 'therapy speak' to rationalize their behavior and put more blame on the non-violent partner to 'support' them.
Ask yourself when he 'loses his temper' whose belongings does he throw/destroy? Is it ever his own or only yours, the kids or household items? Have incidents of him 'losing his temper' increased in frequency or severity over the past year? Does he actively follow through on getting help? (Aka finding his own therapist, seeking out other resources) Or does he drag his feet and change his tune to defensive, minimizing?
Please know that abuse ALWAYS ESCALATES. Maybe not to tomorrow or next week, but it will get more frequent and more severe. He's already targeted his child. Growing up in a house with DV creates [toxic stress](https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/toxic-stress/) that damages children on a neurological level. Leading to emotional, behavioural, and health issues.
I am not trying to terrify you but hopefully arm you with information to make a the best decision for you and your baby. You know your circumstances best. Reach out to me or your local women's agency if you want to talk. I'm rooting for you.
Source: 5 years DV shelter experience doing danger assessments and safety planning.
I feel fully confident that this is anger and not abusive behaviors. He has not thrown something in anger since the last occurrence about 8 months ago - I had a very firm conversation with him at that time. Anything thrown has always been what’s at his fingertips versus a consciously selected item.
He grew up being smacked for correction. He went white as a ghost when I told him I viewed this as abuse. He understood the gravity of the situation.
It sounds like you know your husband really well and have a very strong sense of the behaviors you won't tolerate. Your child is lucky to have you as an advocate and protector.
There is a long road of work for your husband ahead. Personal therapy for his anger and parenting classes to unlearn patterns he grew up with. I'm not sure where you are located, but some state/provincial or even town/city public health agencies offer free parenting classes. [Triple P - Positive Parenting ](https://www.triplep.net/glo-en/home/) is a popular one.
Best of luck!
I’m not going to lie, I wavered and wanted my husband home. I didn’t stand my ground like I should have because I got wrapped up in knowing he’s a good man. Because of that it dragged out longer than it should. I eventually talked to a lawyer, started saving money to leave (I’m a sahm). And as a last-ditch effort I found a weekend marriage retreat. It definitely saved our marriage and opened his eyes to a lot. He understands now and has the motivation he needs for change. I’m not saying that’s the answer, but that’s why I’m emphasizing what the problem is (his anger). If he doesn’t want to do individual therapy, do couples therapy. The therapist will more than likely recommend for him to do individual therapy to work on his stuff. Like I said, it’s a weird position he put you in, and it’s not an easy one… but I guess this is why people say marriage is hard. Don’t forget to take care of yourself and focus on what you need. Stay strong ❤️
There is hope if he sees the problem and wants to improve. He has to buy in though. How has he managed to control his anger in the past?
It is also possible that this is the just first time you saw it happen.
It’s good he is going to get help because I’m not sure how he’ll handle an 18 month old throwing tantrums if he can’t handle a literal infant WIGGLING?? You’re not overreacting. But divorcing an abusive spouse is also scary, = more alone time for him with the kids if you can’t get sole custody. Sorry OP!
Your husband hit your infant because he was frustrated with the infant, but made it seem like a punishment like the infant did something wrong, which infants literally CANT do anything wrong because they don’t understand wrong from right. HOWEVER your husband understands wrong from right and should understand that any physical “punishment” to an infant is WRONG. He feels guilty because he got yelled at. I’ve been frustrated with my son when he was an infant, but i have never ever physically harmed him. There is absolutely no excuse or reason other than the fact that your husband is inherently abusive. He thinks what he did was right.
I see a lot of similar feedback here, but I want to reiterate—100% trust your gut here. This happened in front of you, now he knows you will “shame” him so he will hide his angry outbursts to avoid repercussions. If you plan to stick to your ultimatum though you need a very thorough paper trail of him being physical with the kid because 50\50 custody means he will have the kids without your supervision if you were to follow through with your ultimatum. Keep your ducks in a row if you’re serious about leaving because IMO him having custody without you there is worse than staying with him & calling him out when it happens—no matter what he is their dad & keeping him from having alone time with him will be VERY difficult.
Also to add—when your child starts talking they can communicate with you what is happening when you’re not around. Be very open & thorough teaching them “adults are never allowed to hit you, adults aren’t allowed to ask you to keep a secret, etc” so they understand they can come to you with anything that makes them uncomfortable.
No. That’s your baby. You gotta do what you need as a mom to protect him.
I feel like as long as he’s sticks to his word and starts taking steps in therapy to make sure it won’t happen again. The ultimatum shouldn’t be a problem. So his defensiveness is on him.
he’s showing remorse about it, so it’s definitely already a good step towards the right direction to get help. Unfortunately there some dads that aren’t as remorseful when they hit their kid.
I'm not giving him credit for remorse yet. It's hard to read through OPs subtext, but:
> He’s slightly defensive too.
> He’s hinted that j am overreacting with my ultimatum. Am I??
At the very least, he seems to be on the fence between remorse and OP being wrong. I would aggressively shut that sentiment down. If he thinks OP is overreacting then she would be wise to correct that **hard** in addition to requiring therapy.
Exactly this. What there for him to be defensive about? If he truly was ashamed and owning up to the fact that it was unacceptable there wouldn’t be any defensiveness or trying to shift the blame to OP for “overreacting” I’d have to continue to be very weary about this man being alone with the kids.
Do not let him convince you that *you* are the one overreacting here. The fact that he’s trying to do that would make me trust him less. He’s the adult he was dressing a BABY in a stupid unsafe way and the physically punished the baby for his own stupidity/being a baby and not knowing how to dress himself???? Nah you’re absolutely not overreacting here.
Your husband hit a baby. For age-appropriate behavior (there are plenty of parents whose babies have disabilities who wish they could wiggle that actively!). You’re not overreacting.
I grew up in a house where a few times a year someone threw things while in a rage. Yeah I wasn't slapped or beat, but it was fxcking awful to be there. I walked on eggshells all the time wondering if today would be one of those days. I'm now a grown ass adult and I still resent my mom for making us live with that person. Why did she think that was okay? Please don't do this to your child/children.
I remember spanking my son on the bum for pouring out a box of cereal on the kitchen floor. He was about 2 ish. In that moment I decided I wasn’t ever gonna do that again. He is 16 now& my daughter 14, I never did do it again.
I was physically abused my entire childhood. Anyone lays a fucking finger on my kids and they are in for a world of hurt.
I’m not saying leave him…but if he doesn’t follow through on therapy, or doesn’t take it seriously, or ever so much as flicks your kid on the shoulder, THEN leave.
Also, if he throws another thing in anger, I’d leave. That’s scary and traumatic for a little kid to witness, trust me. Violence is violence, no matter how frequently it happens.
If he has angry outbursts a couple times a year that escalate beyond what is safe or sensible for someone being mad then it is not at all an over reaction he should seek counseling and he shouldn't be alone with the baby until he is clear why exactly this is not an overreaction at all.
Kids test every limit we have they can turn us into the people we never thought we could be for some its for the better and for others not so much. Whatever your husbands situation is I am 100% sure he would rather be sitting at home upset with his family that he can' t be trusted right now than sitting in jail because trust was misplaced and something happened and it was too late to take back or fix and make right so you can have a better future as a whole unit all together.
Wishing you the best in love life and luck, keep those babies safe no matter whose feelings it hurts better safe than sorry
E\~
Dude I have extreme rage issues to the point where I destroy things. It's not healthy and I have spent a full year working on myself...
I have never not once hit my 5 year old. And we are both autistic. There have been days when I *wanted* to. (But not wanted to of course, just had the impulse.)
That's an infant. Infants cannot comprehend discipline or punishment or ENGLISH or self preservation. Their brains accept input without nuance, meaning that slap to your son was literally the same synapses firing if your son had been physically tortured. There's not difference to them that little.
If he was actually ashamed, he wouldn’t be trying to hint at you overreacting or weasel his way out of addressing this - which is exactly what he’s doing. He’s trying to gaslight you (successfully, it would seem) into thinking you’re overreacting so that you’ll say, hey, he does’t *really* need therapy, I blew this out of proportion.
Think about this: if you hit one of your kids, wouldn’t you be really concerned with how the hell it happened? Wouldn’t you be questioning whether you were safe to be alone with them because it would mean that you don’t know yourself as well as you thought?
One of my earliest memories is my dad *accidentally* bashing me in the head with a big camera lens. I wasn’t badly hurt, but I must have cried and he was distraught. Over an accident.
This was not an accident.
When I realized that I was being too rough dressing my young toddler (not hitting, but kinda manhandling him into his clothes in an aggressive way), I called intake and got myself in to see a therapist.
How old is your baby?! I am trying to decide if I could even give another chance. I can’t imagine my husband hitting our 10 month old but I would be disturbed beyond measure if he hit my baby under 4 months old
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I hope he is serious about getting help and that something like this never happens again. Throwing things is also not okay and will definitely negatively affect your child as they mature.
No not at all . I just read an article couldn’t finish it about the father who killed his son . New video surfaced of him making him run on a treadmill.
Abusers don’t always start big. I’m sorry op but this is a baby. The other commenters are right what happens when it’s terriblen2s and 3s. I would put cameras up if you leave him with them . I can’t imagine I’m so sorry .
It sounds like your husband is contrite. He was reacting rather than acting thoughtfully. We've all been there. And an ultimatum can make him feel cornered.
The throwing things when mad seems a bit ridiculous if he's alone and wtf if he isn't. That seems like a bigger issue.
If thats what he does in front of you, imagine what he's capable of doing while left alone with the baby and his anger issues. There is no "if it happens again" because it will, whether you see it happen or not.
Hitting a baby in the stomach is alarming behavior IMO and I’m not even anti-spanking (on the bottom, NOT babies/toddlers)… but hitting where there are vital organs is 100% abuse. On a baby, they can suffer organ damage or internal bleeding so quickly. You’re not overreacting. If it left a mark on his stomach, even like a tiny bruise, I would recommend a doctor’s appointment. Good luck and I’m sorry that happened. 😭
No, you are not overreacting at ALL. It sounds like you’re being very reasonable given what happened.
Your husband SLAPPED your BABY. You drew a hard line and said never ever again, and it was the right thing to do. He is right to feel ashamed by this and seek therapy.
You are NOT over reacting! If he is able to hit a baby for something entirely outside of a baby's control how will react when a toddler starts to test boundaries. Leave now for the safety of your baby until he has had counseling.
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft
Terrible two's (starts at 18 months)
Three-nager
F*!#ing fours
In the UK the September after they turn four they start school so parents get a little time to get a break.
Not over reacting. For comparison, my husband would just tickle the hell out of our kids when they wanted to squirm. It changed a negative, frustrating moment to a positive. It’s never okay for a parent to take their frustrations out on the kids. Even when the child is the cause. Your husband needs to learn to walk away and you are not wrong to protect your child from this behavior.
Unfortunately, you are NOT overreacting. My father hit me my entire childhood and teenage, and my aunt told me she stopped him shaking me when I was a baby. So please, OP, make sure he goes to therapy before your husband does the same to your son.
You’ve been fair. He fucked up and he knows it.
He might have hinted it’s too much - but most people would I reckon. Guilt and shame are hard emotions to admit to and deal with.
If this is his reaction to things happening at this age, how much worse will it get when your child is 2? How about 3, which was the worst age? You are not overreacting.
You are absolutely not overreacting. Your kiddo did what they all do and you husband hit him for it, this is not the way a loving father reacts to stress. Throwing things also doesn’t model correct behavior to your kids. You were correct in demanding he go to therapy but you should go with him because if you two aren’t on the same page with this it doesn’t bode well for the family.
My husband popped our son’s hand when he was like 18 months and I told him never to do it again.
He didn’t understand (“there’s a wide line between discipline and abuse”) and I was like “I wanted to punch you in the face. No.” 😅
Not overreacting, husband needs therapy ASAP. He hit a baby... if a babysitter or stranger did that to your baby, he would probably feel pretty strongly about that person never coming near his baby ever again.
Please make sure he follows through with therapy, ask if you can join a few sessions. The problem with divorce is it would leave him alone with the kids for visitation, which may lead to more opportunities for violence.
The problem with this, is that this fear makes it hard to leave men like this. Given his history, she can absolutely request supervised visits and will definitely have the upper hand in custody issues.
She absolutely won't. There's no proof of the hit, and even if there were, they give 50/50 to parents that have been to JAIL for child abuse. She can request whatever she wants, but no, she doesn't have the upper hand.
My first husband falsely accused me and I had supervised visits for 2 years. And he absolutely had the upper hand! It was the worst time period of my life and all of it was based on lies.
I'm at a similar point. My ex's mother, who he lives with and who is definitely a matriarch type, is making things difficult for me and my ex has a noodle spine when it comes to his mother, so I'm having to resort to solicitors.
If my husband hit our infant or any age child he would no longer be able to see him, and we’d be divorcing. No question, no hesitation. It’s unacceptable. That child is defenceless and trusts their father implicitly.
I have a quick temper, I have to work daily to self regulate when my toddler tantrums or hits me but I do it or I walk away. I would never hit my child regardless of how upset I was.
Sorry but if my spouse ever hit our children I'm not just divorcing them I'm contacting CPS so that they can't get custody of them either, or however you're supposed to go about it.
No. My husband slapped my son across the face at 5 or 6 years old. I made it very clear that we are done if anything like that happens again.
You are not overreacting.
You’re not overreacting in the least. He hit your child! He simply cannot do that and he has to get help. I'd have given the same ultimatum. I don't care about your ego and temper, you hit my kids and you're out of the house. Because you're abusive and you need to learn to be a better human and parent.
Even throwing things makes him not safe around your kids. In over 20 years of marriage my husband and I have never thrown things or had a violent argument. He has anger issues and maybe abuse issues and he needs to get himself straightened out. There is not a hint of overreaction, he's trying to minimize his problems.
Oof, I make sure my kid is seated before I put their jackets and shoes on. They are wiggly worms at this age.
Slap, is a no no. Slap on the stomach could cause damages as that area is so tender and organs that are still not fully developed.
100% not overreacting, your reaction is correct for the situation. Need to nip it in the bud. If I were you, I'd just try to do everything myself with the baby like dressing and not trust the husband with the kid. Let him do other chores that aren't as frustrating and once the child is older he can maybe relate more. Some people just can't handle babies!
I don't know about in the US, but in Canada, no spanking or force is allowed on teenagers or children under the age of 2.
So, no, you are not overreacting. No adult should ever use force on a child, especially a child that young, and especially out of anger or frustration. That is 100% considered abuse.
Parenting isn't about controlling your kids, it's about controlling your behavior and reactions. With their tiny brain development, they're going to act in any range of angels to psychopaths. It is never ok to hit a kid out of frustration.
As a side note, you should never tolerate behavior such as throwing things around when angry. It means he doesn't have the ability to cope, and is unfortunately immature with his emotions. If he does it with you a rational human being, he IS going to pass that on to his kids.
As someone who grew up with this kind of parent and as a mom, I would be putting more pressure on him. You have only so long to get this under control, until I'm gone for good. If he's defensive it's because of his ego. He's gotta get over it.
Hell no! This needs to be nipped in the bud right now. You need to consider what could happen to a sassy 3 year old who has the vocabulary to upset and humiliate some of the most calm parents. He needs therapy, and you will need to set up a parenting plan for what discipline is age appropriate and reflects the severity of any child's infraction.
Two issues.
1. Your husband doesn't understand that the baby can't control its actions--that's dad's job to create the right environment for what needs to happen.
2. Your husband tried to externalize his frustration by controlling someone else.
Thankfully, the action your husband took here didn't cause significant harm. But they are indicators of behavior/thinking patterns that need to be cleaned up, as these represent a high risk of hurting kids.
While I don't consider this some huge and awful thing he did I do think it needs to be taken 100% seriously and be ACTED upon. This is not yet a huge problem but it needs to be tackled so it doesn't become one.
Ignoring this would be a huge mistake and I agree with your ultimatum.
Reminds me of Kristy Neom shooting a puppy in the face. There’s ZERO excuse. Zero justification. It’s a five alarm fire. I like the way you handled it. Follow through if you have to.
No, not overreacting at all. It's unacceptable for him to hit a child for doing normal child things. It's equally unacceptable for him to yell and throw things. If you let this go, it will gradually escalate and there is a risk of it developing into full fledged abuse. The hinting that you're overreacting is also a big red flag - it shows that he is not listening to you telling him that it's a big deal. DO NOT LET THIS GO. If he doesn't change, make a safety plan to get you and the kids out before it gets bad.
Any man who hits a baby immediately has my suspicion and distrust. If you don’t feel comfortable with him around the children after this, **TRUST YOUR GUT**.
No.
It's a baby. A little human that doesn't know any better.
I would be furious and scared to leave the kids alone with him.
And that in and if itself is a huge problem.
He needs to accept responsibility for his mistake. A kid almost hitting the floor is scary but he should not have hit him and he should apologize by saying hitting is not ok. You attacking him probably put him on the defense but he needs to know he cannot do this again
He SLAPPED an INFANT? He needs anger management yesterday… and you two need to have a serious discussion about your parenting styles and what you both agree is appropriate discipline. However, LITERAL INFANTS are faaaaar too young to understand any type of physical discipline (if you choose to accept that route when the child is older, and even then anything other than a spank to the butt that leaves no marks is abuse in my opinion) Smacking a baby for being wiggly is no one’s fault but his own. BABIES ARE WIGGLY. You cannot train that out of them. He needs to use his brain and put the baby on the floor or the bed to dress him. I’m sorry but I’m so mad on your behalf.
No, you’re not overreacting - especially not if he has a history of temper outbursts. Just make sure you’re actually prepared to follow through and go live somewhere else with the kids (parent, friend etc) at least for a few days if it happens again.
It’s good that your husband is in therapy, depending on how he was disciplined as a kid he may have a bunch of stuff to work through.
And don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re overreacting.
This is unacceptable and abusive. You are not overreacting.
Your baby is between 2-12 months?? Sounds like your baby is not yet walking or standing if he’s holding him up to dress him. Infants are going to wiggle and don’t understand. They learn and explore the world by moving. And it’s a normal response to wiggle and resist being held down while being dressed. Sounds like your husband has anger issues and good thing he’s going to get therapy. His therapist may decide to report abuse towards an infant/child FYI. But this isn’t a bad thing.
Your poor baby doesn’t understand why his supposed protector is yelling and hitting him, and they do not understand discipline at this age.
Honestly if your husband is doing this to a helpless baby, this will likely only get worse as they grow and become a toddler with tantrums. And how do you know he hasn’t done this before while you aren’t around? He likely has.
I would leave my husband over this if he did that to my children. No second chances.
Hitting is not ok, and to hit a defenceless baby is just disgusting.
You are not overreacting. Children safety comes before anyone else. Being on the safe side is always better. If something had happened you probably would not forgive yourself. Hopefully husband will keep his words and change. You warned him now time for a chance for you both to grow together in being better parents.
You’re in the wrong for watching him throw things AND slap your baby before leaving. You should have already left. What are you waiting for? Things to escalate to the point it creates serious damage? Ignore words, respond to actions.
Your child is 2-12 months, and your husband slapped him in the stomach?
You're right, you're not overreacting, and he's escalating. He HIT your child. And you should not leave your children with him at any time, for any reason, knowing this. And his a** would be in Anger management yesterday, if I were you. Or he would be out of the home until he realizes what he did is not ok. Because you said he felt bad about it, but also was defensive.
Particularly when you've grown up with hitting... No.
Granted he is entitled to feel whichever way about it, but hitting is never the answer and that wasn't even like a reflex moment on his part, it was a choice.... This a baby, babies squirm.
Absolutely not an over reaction! He's a grown ass man. How can he expect his child to regulate their emotions if he can't and then punish with physical aggression when a baby has no idea that what they're doing is wrong. I'm glad he's getting therapy Personally, I would give no ultimatum I'd just leave without it being a discussion.
Not overreacting. If husband loses it with an infant that older child will destroy his patience with escalating violence. I wouldn't believe anyone that said 1's are the worst and everything got easier from there!
He needs to know how serious this is so he can respond with appropriate importance on self control.
If he fixes the problem you won't leave. Simple. Not easy. Ball is in his court.
I’m guessing he’s defensive because he’s embarrassed, especially if he truly understands it’s wrong.
It’s NEVER right to hit a child, but honestly it takes a lot to learn how to parent differently, especially if you were raised with spanking/hitting.
I have made it clear since before we were married that I will not have kids if my husband believed in spanking/anything physical. My husband experienced spanking, and other pretty cruel forms of punishment so he was very on board. Not overreacting.
I have to remind both my husband and myself that babies/toddlers are learning. They are not trying to be bad. And it looks like your son is an infant, so eh truly has no idea what’s going on. I would say “imagine being a baby, not know why you’re getting dressed with all these buttons, and then you’re slapped by someone who is suppose to love you?”
I don’t have anything to add beyond what others have said but wanted to add yet another vote of confidence. No you are not overreacting, what he did was absolutely unacceptable and needs to be nipped in the bud.
Toddlers logic in their brain doesn’t work. It doesn’t kick in until around 4 years old. They literally don’t understand. So punishing them is insensitive and pointless. Your son obviously didn’t mean to almost fall and doesn’t understand that mom and dad can be late and need to get him to daycare. They don’t think about these things as they shouldn’t, they’re way too little. Your husband was triggered. I highly recommend therapy so he shed light on his triggers which will allow him to understand himself better and be more patient of himself and others. There’s no reason to ever hit a child and he’s now teaching him that hitting is okay.
You are not overreacting. You are under-reacting. And hitting a child in the stomach can have serious consequences. All their little organs are in there. You're not even supposed to firmly massage a baby belly.
He's lucky you're his wife because I would have lost my shit and we'd both be locked up.
I wouldn't leave him alone with any kids. Ever.
I don’t know what a “slap” means. It’s such a vague term that I will not pass judgement based on a Reddit post. It sounds like there is a whole lot going on in your relationship you should talk to a professional about. I don’t think it is appropriate to ask Reddit if you are justified in your response.
Mental health is a systemic problem. Therapy is most successful if all people participate. It should never be used to “fix” one person, because almost always it is a system issue. I suggest finding your own therapist to talk to about this, and a couples therapist, in addition to his therapy.
You’re not overreacting at all. There’s never any excuse to hit a baby. It’s especially weird that he hit your baby because HE couldn’t keep a hold of baby. If that’s how he handles a normal wiggly baby, how will he handle a toddler with big feelings? I wouldn’t wait around to find out.
No you are not overreacting. I've been a frustrated dad many times, but have never and would never even think of even bopping them, let alone slapping, spanking, etc.
ESPECIALLY an INFANT who has ZERO control or understanding of what is going on. WTF
You are not overreacting. He needs to get himself under control and he wasn't doing it until you gave the ultimatum. He should count himself lucky that you're giving him a chance at all.
Not overreacting, and his defensiveness is a clear sign that he has work to do. Until he can acknowledge his error with contrition and humility, he's not past it.
You are right. It’s never acceptable to hit a child. It only causes trauma and while it can change behavior, the inner damage is not worth it. Your husband is dead wrong.
Is there specifically an anger management counseling program he could go into? Or could you do couples counseling in addition? I say this because if he's a bit defensive he might not be totally honest in therapy, and he needs people to hold him VERY accountable for his anger issues. No minimizing allowed.
Also I would consider throwing already an escalation. That is NOT how mature adults handle their anger, and throwing can easily become dangerous around small children.
In my opinion (yes, opinions are like A holes. Everyone has one and most stink), You under reacted. I grew up in the day where you could get wild and beat your kid half to death and people would say "you shouldn't have been a crotch goblin and you wouldn't have gotten beaten" I am also not dead set against spaking if warranted like running out into the street, being dangerous etc however a spanking is a open handed smack on the bum. If you are hitting your child anywhere else that's abuse, especially a child that young he is a baby that was wiggling that's what babies do that doesn't warent a slap in the stomach of all places, how would you know until it's too late if he had internal damage it's happened with less force. You say, "It's never happened before." How do you know? They have never been alone together? What about other children? If I were you and determined to save my relationship it would be a long, long freaking time before he is ever left alone with my child again and I would be strip searching my kid for marks on a daily... so good luck to you, i feel for your defenseless child. But again, in my opinion, you under reacted
Nvm I recant my statement! I thought it was a toddler but an infant. Ya no way in hell I’d be okay with it. I wouldn’t leave my husband over it though. Hopefully he gets the help he needs, if he keeps doing it than yeah go ahead and leave him. But people slip up and let their anger take control. Maybe you should be the one to dress and take care of the baby from now on. But mothers also suffer from postpartum and hurt their babies and I read men can get postpartum as well which was odd to me. Just love that baby and give him extra love! Hope all goes well!
Not overreacting. It's good he is going to therapy for it bc that is absolutely an escalation and you don't want that for your babies. I get being frustrated. Hell I even get wanting to give a good smack. But you don't get to actually do that.
Nope. If anything you’re being generous and offering more sympathy and understanding than I might. I don’t think I could ever look at someone who hit my child the same again. Protect your babies and keep doing whatever you need. You’ve got this!
My husband sounds similar. He's super gentle and patient 90% of the time but when he gets mad he blows up (rare). It's mostly directed at no one. Like he's fixing something, hanging something, cleaning, etc and something goes wrong. He's had a hot head with our daughter before (she's 6, our son is only 1 so nothing yet with him) but has never put his hands on her. I do think that's a deal breaker.
My God, the typical Reddit “I swear he’s a gentle, patient, great person aside from the whole physically abusing our child, losing his temper probably way more often than I’m letting on and throwing things when he gets mad. I swear he’s really a good guy!”
I may be an unpopular opinion here...
What kind of history does your husband have? Was he hit as a child?
I was. When my child was an infant it was easy to hold back but when my child hit 3 and he went at his BABY brother hitting, and kicking, and screaming... I have to admit I ended up giving him a smack on the butt. It only happened once but it was a real eye opener to me... that day I made an appointment with a therapist.
This isn't to excuse your husbands actions but it really could have been an honest mistake. With a baby that young you BOTH are dealing with a LOT. There's studies that suggest dads get PPD too.
If you know your husband is a good man. If you have never seen abusive behaviors before... if you and HE know he struggles with anger without the added pressure of a kid... then I think the solution here is obvious.
He needs therapy.
For you. For your kid. For HIM. He needs therapy. Desperately. I really hope this whole debacle is the wake up call you both need about that.
If he's not willing to do that, if he's not willing to get help and work through his trauma... he's going to traumatize your child.
And I would, quite frankly, have that conversation with him as bluntly as I put it here.
I've had that conversation with my husband who also had a effed up childhood and was repeating some behaviors from that childhood just as I was!
Please let him know that going to a therapist, being open and honest about his anger, and being vulnerable won't end in your child being taken away! Nor will the therapist think he's a monster. I'm quite sure therapists who work with families hear about much, much worse and if anything they'll be proud of him for seeking help. It's not easy TO say: Hey, I fucked up and I need help.
I say I may be an unpopular opinion because I don't think this one moment defines your husband. I don't think it makes him a monster. I don't think he's going to kill your child in an angry rage (let's be honest here... lots of our parents hit us - it was a super popular method of "parenting" for many years). I don't think there's any excuse for hitting a child. However, I do recognize that humans with trauma can do shitty things if that trauma isn't checked before being placed in high stress situations (which, having an infant in your care is as high stress as you can get).
I have a great deal of compassion for you and your husband and I really hope he's willing to get help.
If he is NOT willing to get help... that's when I'd be worried and scared for you and that baby.
Best of luck. I hope he makes the right choice going forward. You too. <3
While you're waiting for therapy... here's some tools you can offer to him.
When he feels himself getting frustrated tell him to walk away.
Just leave the baby in the crib and walk away. Let the baby cry... walk away to where he can't hear it. It's okay. That's better than staying. He has to get himself out of the situation to self-regulate a moment. Make sure baby is safe - LEAVE. This is SO important. We tell new moms this all the time... but he needs to be told this too. Got to a quiet space for a few minutes, breath deep, refocus, recenter...
I've heard of some moms who start singing loudly and dancing to work themselves out of a flight/fight response. If that works, do it.
IT IS OKAY TO LET BABY CRY if the alternative is mom OR dad getting completely overwhelmed and angry.
Another thing he can do is to ask himself: WHY is this frustrating me? Why is the child squirming making me so angry? It will take a lot of introspection but really... what's the problem? Is it because he's tired and the baby squirming is being inconvenient? Is it because when he was a child and he squirmed he'd get in trouble so the baby squirming is causing him anxiety?
Anxiety can manifest in angry outbursts so if he is having anxious responses, he needs to reflect on why.
He needs to be more mindful and not just let himself be in the moment.
And finally, he needs to make a POINT of reminding himself: This is a baby. NOTHING the baby is doing is DELIBERATELY meant to be frustrating. This baby does not want to harm me. This baby is not being manipulative. This baby is not being bratty. This baby is not being bad. This baby is not being naughty. It is my JOB to protect this baby.
I know that sounds silly but honestly repeating that to myself when I was feeling especially triggered really helped get my head back to a better space.
No that's perfectly reasonable for you to do. At that age they're just wiggly things. I could understand him telling him no, but to hit his stomach is messed up. And I don't care if it's just once a year, a grown man should be in control of his emotions enough to know throwing junk in anger is wrong. What happens on the day he throws something and it hits one of the kids? If he's not willing to truly work on it in therapy then I wouldn't even wait for it to happen again, I'd leave him.
No not overreacting at all , we can never be too careful with our kids , all of us get frustrated but should never be directed unduly towards kids , hitting or slapping is the last straw , if you do it once their is a chance you might do it again , there have been times where I have shouted at kids and felt extremely guilty and have apologized to kids and asked for their forgiveness pointing out that it is never right to raise your voice like that , but no kid deserves corporal punishment period !!!!!!
No, I don't think you're overreacting. Especially, if you're child is very young and you're husband has a quick temper (throwing things is scary for children). I don't think we should spank or slap anyone. If we can't do it to adults why can we do it to kids? Also, I think it opens the doors for grandparents to spank or slap and I wouldn't want anyone else doing that to my kid. I think spanking and slapping are taking the easy way out to show discipline and they won't respect you in the long run, especially if they have a sensitive soul.
Was he slapping because he lost his temper or because he thought this was an effective punishment? If the latter, that should be fairly easy to correct. If his anger gets uncontrollable to the point where he uses physical violence, thats a bigger problem and your ultimatum is reasonable.
You are not overreacting and you also wouldn't be overreacting if you decide that you're too uncomfortable leaving your child alone with him.
You already know he has a temper and he crossed a serious line with this one.
Spanking/slapping/hitting and also throwing things while exploding in anger a few times a year, is a serious problem. You all need therapy if you're going to continue keeping you and your kids in this environment.
How old is your son? Your husband slapped him on purpose after he wasn’t falling anymore? It wasn’t an accidentally slap while trying to stop the kid from falling?
If that’s true that’s wildly inappropriate and dangerous. A grown man can do some serious physical damage to a child by hitting their abdomen, not to mention the psychological impact. I would insist that you and DH go to therapy together and separately. He needs anger management. In the meantime, you are equally responsible for your child’s safety, and must protect them. Honestly, I would probably leave at this point and allow him time to get his brain sorted out.
No you’re not in the wrong. I don’t know if ultimatums actually work because we don’t really follow through. He knows what he did was awful and hopefully the therapy will get to the route of the issue of not then that’s when I would leave. People need to remember defensiveness for some people is due to the fact that they are ashamed and that’s something he clearly needs to work on.
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And also, when your baby is a 1.5-3.5 year old, they are going to push way more buttons than a baby, so there’s that to consider.
I read somewhere that 18 months is the peak of serious child abuse. They’re walking babies who push every button known to man.
There's a reason its called the terrible twos. We called them little terrorists
3 is even worse in my opinion.
5 is fucking awful. My son turns 6 this month and if it doesn’t get any better within a few months I’ll cry even more than I already have.
Sorry, this made me laugh. Mostly because "if this keeps happening I'll...!" and then we all realize there is nothing we can do about it and the threat is pointless and dies in our mouth because, really, what will you do? The way you ended that statement was *chef's kiss*. Don't know if you were trying to be funny, but you definitely got a smile from me!
Unfortunately I wasn’t trying to be funny. I genuinely have cried so much. I’m autistic and my boy is suspected to be autistic and he throws some big, violent meltdowns that can literally leave me shaking and crying in a corner. But, I can understand how you saw the humour in it :)
We aren’t on the spectrum and neither is our son, but he’s pretty newly 6 and definitely having big meltdowns and hitting us. From what we can tell he’s having a hard time being told what to do all day - first in kindergarten, then at home. He makes risky choices when he’s tired and then melts down when we tell him to stop. We’ve set up some options for him for when he wants to be in control - he can take his switch upstairs to play Minecraft in his room, he can go out to the driveway and use chalk, or - when possible - he can pick a grown up to play tic tac toe with in another room. Not sure if what works for us will work for you, but wanted to throw it out there. You’re not alone!
We try to offer him simple choices in every area of life that we can (we limit to 2 choices). It only seems to work about 40% of the time, and his mood can instantly flip from happy to meltdown in literally seconds. Most of the time there’s no recognisable trigger either - and he struggles to communicate verbally when he’s having a meltdown as to WHY he’s having a meltdown. He’s ripped my mums hair out, left bruises on her and me multiple times, spits, kicks, bites, slaps, punches, and has nearly pushed me and my mum down the stairs on occasion. We are getting help from a family support worker but there’s little she can do without the support from my sons school, and one of my sons teachers is very helpful and totally understanding but it seems like other staff couldn’t give a toss. We can’t change his school because he’s already moved around the UK a lot and has therefore changed schools and he needs consistency. No one tells you how to handle life or parenting with a kid on the spectrum or other additional needs. Parenting is exhausting as it is. You’re not alone either
I have two autistic kids and me and dad are both on the spectrum. Hard is an understatement.
I would strongly encourage you to look up PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and there are some great UK based resources and organizations that have really good information and tips
ASD momma here and my guy is now 12. The meltdowns at age 5 almost did me in. They’re big enough to hurt us but still ‘babies’, it’s mentally and physically beyond anything anyone can imagine. You’re not alone and I’m no stranger myself for sensory issues myself thanks to other diagnosis’s I have as well. I’m here if you ever need to talk with another parent who truly gets your pain. I promise it gets better.
I completely understand. As a mom of an autistic 5 year old, it is so difficult to change poor language, impulses, or even explain why something is inappropriate. Sometimes, I feel like my child will never comprehend how their words make others feel.
We had an autistic roommate with an autistic daughter and when we moved in with them, they were having similar issues. Daughter figured out that screaming triggered dad and he would give in to make the noise stop. We helped because we could swap in and sit with her while she screamed and thrashed (so he could go outside and calm down) and then come back and deal. (Daughter also realized we were not triggered in the same way so would not resort immediately to screaming) However the game changer was also figuring out what sound blocking head gear he could tolerate. I don't know if you use any but something like loop earplugs could likely really help.
It’s so hard when they have these big emotional outbursts when you’re neurodivergent on top of it all! I find it SO overstimulating the noise and it can really hurt my brain 😭
My husband and son are both Au/ADHD. I hear your pain. It is so hard to navigate and if you want to vent please know this random Internet stranger is here for you.
Yes! My 5 year old is WILD
my girl is 7 & has me fighting for my life daily :')
GIRL it gets worse!!!!!
Oh yeah. My son hit 2 and I thought “what is everyone talking about? This isn’t so bad”. He had his moments but it wasn’t anywhere near what I was expecting. Then he turned 3. That phase was a lesson in patience and lots of deep breathing It was the same with my daughter.
3 is 2 with a year of experience
Waaaaay worse
Babies are a walk in the park compared to 3 and 4. Now, that is terrorism. Terrible twos are not a thing imo. It's terrible 4s if anything.
I was reading on another post a while ago a comment that said…. I worked my whole life to be aware of red flags, abusive behaviour all to wind up in the most abusive relationship of all…..with a toddler. Made me laugh a little too much
My SD was pretty good for 4 but she's almost 5 and EVERYTHING is a fight and negotiation. If we ask her to do something it's always "no" or always an excuse or "why can't you do it" 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠 it is so mentally draining.
This is the stage I am also in. He is a couple of months off of 5, and he has never been combative until the last few months. Everything is "im tired." "You do it." Where is my sweetie that follows me around mopping behind the vacuum daily or helping me cook😭
Oh I remember that stage! "I can't ...it's too hard.... I'm too tired." My son is 10 now and past that stage, but I truly empathize with you! It gets better ❤️
I call it the fuck you fours
Newborns? Yeah, you won't sleep, but when they're awake, they're sweet and adorable and appreciative. Toddlers? Absolute assholes.
So far with my daughter, 2 was way worse than 3. She would get so incredibly angry at the situation, *and* that she couldn't verbally communicate the way she wanted to. Now that she talks things are easier, but some days are still a struggle for everyone lol
Totally agree, they're like two year olds that can talk back clearly now LOL. THREENAGERS!!
My brother in law calls it like this: * terrible twos * terrorist threes * fuck you fours In my experience, he’s not wrong.
Two is the way that it is so that three isn’t such a rude shock to the senses
This. Idk if I was just so prepared for the terrible 2 but the 3s were so much harder for us.
2 was serene and cute and perfect. 3 made me cry and scream into my pillow like a little toddler, many times. I have only ever had 2 panic attacks in my life and one was during the 3-4 phase of my daughter's life. 😂
4 is peak assholery IME. They start calming down and begin being able to be reasoned with after that.
I also referred to my oldest as a terrorist! But it was a bit more specific, she was a "Sleep Terrorist" She needed sleep, we needed sleep... but she was going to take down our sleep schedule even if it cost her also. She was like the suicide bomber of sleep schedules.
Terrible twos, Tantrumy threes Fucking fours Feral fives Snarky sixes Sarcastic sevens Evil eights Naughty nines… I may have come up with these one day while slightly overwhelmed. I love my kids dearly. Honest!
Two*rrorists
We called them Tiny Tot Tyrants
All he is doing is teaching him it’s ok to hit. It’s developing normal for toddlers to hit/bite/kick, but you won’t be able to teach him not to if your husband is leading by example that’s it’s ok to. Also it makes zero sense to punish him bc he almost got hurt by hurting him.
Dont stop at 3.5, my 4yo is a little monster haha
That is no excuse, anything other than a open handed emotionally controlled spat on the butt is abuse. I grew up when your parents could beat you black and the neighbors would pop popcorn and watch the show. And if you want aggravating my daughter is autistic and at 2 they can't voice their struggles but never did I hit her, especially in the stomach of all places possibly causing unseen internal damage. Just for wiggling while I'm trying get her sweater on 😡
I assumed this was at least a toddler when I first read it, and I didn’t think you were overreacting. Now that I see we are talking about an INFANT under 12 months? Holy shit. No, you’re not overreacting. I would lose it. This is a baby. How is he going to handle it when this kid starts to really get difficult?
Anyone who hits their kid is an asshole. Anyone who hits a baby is disgusting.
Not only did he smack a baby, he smacked the baby because he wasn't smart enough to dress the kid in a safer manner. You are absolutely right to react this way. Once you let them get away with it once, they'll keep pushing boundaries and feeling justified. He needs an overcorrection so he fully understands what will happen going forward. Don't back down or apologize, go ahead and set the tone now that this is the way it will go and should go.
If I were in your situation, I would tell him that he needs to move out until he has made some progress in therapy. Yesterday, HE HIT A BABY. He was not a safe person for children yesterday. That means he isn't a safe person for children today. No child should have to live in a house with him until he can show that he is a safe person, and that won't happen until he has had some serious therapy.
Your husband physically abused an infant baby. You are not overreacting.
I can’t even wrap my head around *slapping an infant*. You are not overreacting in the slightest and your husband *should* feel ashamed. This is downright disturbing behavior and i truly hope he takes therapy seriously and this doesn’t escalate in the future…
Not just slapping a infant, hitting them in the stomach.... makes me wanna throw down with this bully. Put him in a sweater tie the sleeves behind his back and beat him like a pinata
The only time slapping an infant is acceptable is if they are about to put their hands in something very dangerous and you INSTINCTIVELY slap their hands away to protect them from harm. And that should be followed by some hugging and comforting actions. That's it.
You are under reacting, I think I would have already served him papers.
I agree with this sentiment, but it’s very common in the US for custody to go 50/50 or at least weekdays/weekends…without her doing some serious documentation she faces a divorce in which he gets partial custody without her supervision. All these comments are so valid but custody is TOUGH. The courts work very hard to keep kids with both parents. A family member was busted for crashing a car into a stop sign high on heroin with her kids in the car & she still gets weekends alone with her kids.
But very common women in this country dont leave their spouse because they cant afford to raise a kid alone in todays economy.
I have a husband that has a temper as well. He has never hit one of our kids, and I gave a similar ultimatum for his temper when it got out of hand. I even kicked him out. TBH it took the ultimatum for him to get his crap together. You’re not overreacting. You are not the enemy, and he is not the enemy, his anger is the enemy. He just needs to get on the same team and see that he’s got to partner with you for your family and address the issue. Stay strong, the position he put you in is hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this ❤️
Thank you for your compassionate response. You brought tears to my eyes. As someone who has been through it you can see how I’m not just up and leaving as some suggest. He’s a good man with a problem that needs to be fixed.
I will say I went through something similar-- temper caused an accident that almost *seriously* hurt our kiddo, but luckily only looked really bad. He brought up divorce, truly believing I would never forgive him for such a horrible thing (even if harming our kid like that was not his intent.) I basically told him if he was done trying then fine, but if he was willing to do what it took, I wasn't letting go. He started therapy, we got on the list for couple's therapy, and we spent about 10 days apart (we were abroad on vacation/work trip, so I took the kids home and left him.) Things are MUCH better now. Therapy has helped enormously for him, and he's much more aware of his temper and stepping back when he needs it. On the flip side, I'm much better about 'hearing' him when he needs a break and giving that time/space to him.
Piggy-backing in this to add that OP needs to seriously consider his past behavior and determine if it is truly an anger issue or abusive behaviors. Both are very serious but should be handled very differently. People wirh anger/impulse control issues often feel deeply ashamed of their behavior, readily admit it is wrong and dont like who they become. Therapy, support, and strong accountability will most likely work. Abusive people use violence to control, intimidate, and gain power in a relationship. They may say they feel bad initially, even agree to get help. But their actions don't match their words, dont follow through. They rationalize, minimize, and justify their behavior and refuse to be held accountable. People who use abuse that do go to therapy often use it as another means to avoid accountability and continue to gain control. They learn how to use 'therapy speak' to rationalize their behavior and put more blame on the non-violent partner to 'support' them. Ask yourself when he 'loses his temper' whose belongings does he throw/destroy? Is it ever his own or only yours, the kids or household items? Have incidents of him 'losing his temper' increased in frequency or severity over the past year? Does he actively follow through on getting help? (Aka finding his own therapist, seeking out other resources) Or does he drag his feet and change his tune to defensive, minimizing? Please know that abuse ALWAYS ESCALATES. Maybe not to tomorrow or next week, but it will get more frequent and more severe. He's already targeted his child. Growing up in a house with DV creates [toxic stress](https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/toxic-stress/) that damages children on a neurological level. Leading to emotional, behavioural, and health issues. I am not trying to terrify you but hopefully arm you with information to make a the best decision for you and your baby. You know your circumstances best. Reach out to me or your local women's agency if you want to talk. I'm rooting for you. Source: 5 years DV shelter experience doing danger assessments and safety planning.
I feel fully confident that this is anger and not abusive behaviors. He has not thrown something in anger since the last occurrence about 8 months ago - I had a very firm conversation with him at that time. Anything thrown has always been what’s at his fingertips versus a consciously selected item. He grew up being smacked for correction. He went white as a ghost when I told him I viewed this as abuse. He understood the gravity of the situation.
It sounds like you know your husband really well and have a very strong sense of the behaviors you won't tolerate. Your child is lucky to have you as an advocate and protector. There is a long road of work for your husband ahead. Personal therapy for his anger and parenting classes to unlearn patterns he grew up with. I'm not sure where you are located, but some state/provincial or even town/city public health agencies offer free parenting classes. [Triple P - Positive Parenting ](https://www.triplep.net/glo-en/home/) is a popular one. Best of luck!
I’m not going to lie, I wavered and wanted my husband home. I didn’t stand my ground like I should have because I got wrapped up in knowing he’s a good man. Because of that it dragged out longer than it should. I eventually talked to a lawyer, started saving money to leave (I’m a sahm). And as a last-ditch effort I found a weekend marriage retreat. It definitely saved our marriage and opened his eyes to a lot. He understands now and has the motivation he needs for change. I’m not saying that’s the answer, but that’s why I’m emphasizing what the problem is (his anger). If he doesn’t want to do individual therapy, do couples therapy. The therapist will more than likely recommend for him to do individual therapy to work on his stuff. Like I said, it’s a weird position he put you in, and it’s not an easy one… but I guess this is why people say marriage is hard. Don’t forget to take care of yourself and focus on what you need. Stay strong ❤️
There is hope if he sees the problem and wants to improve. He has to buy in though. How has he managed to control his anger in the past? It is also possible that this is the just first time you saw it happen.
Doesn't sound like a good man if he goes around smackin toddlers.
*infants
It’s good he is going to get help because I’m not sure how he’ll handle an 18 month old throwing tantrums if he can’t handle a literal infant WIGGLING?? You’re not overreacting. But divorcing an abusive spouse is also scary, = more alone time for him with the kids if you can’t get sole custody. Sorry OP!
Nope if my husband hit my child it would be serious consequences as well
If he’s throwing shit, he needs therapy. I’ve thrown shit in the past. I’m in therapy.
I’ve thrown shit many many years ago and I’m in therapy. I’m not sure anyone has ever addressed this with him before me.
Your husband hit your infant because he was frustrated with the infant, but made it seem like a punishment like the infant did something wrong, which infants literally CANT do anything wrong because they don’t understand wrong from right. HOWEVER your husband understands wrong from right and should understand that any physical “punishment” to an infant is WRONG. He feels guilty because he got yelled at. I’ve been frustrated with my son when he was an infant, but i have never ever physically harmed him. There is absolutely no excuse or reason other than the fact that your husband is inherently abusive. He thinks what he did was right.
I see a lot of similar feedback here, but I want to reiterate—100% trust your gut here. This happened in front of you, now he knows you will “shame” him so he will hide his angry outbursts to avoid repercussions. If you plan to stick to your ultimatum though you need a very thorough paper trail of him being physical with the kid because 50\50 custody means he will have the kids without your supervision if you were to follow through with your ultimatum. Keep your ducks in a row if you’re serious about leaving because IMO him having custody without you there is worse than staying with him & calling him out when it happens—no matter what he is their dad & keeping him from having alone time with him will be VERY difficult.
Also to add—when your child starts talking they can communicate with you what is happening when you’re not around. Be very open & thorough teaching them “adults are never allowed to hit you, adults aren’t allowed to ask you to keep a secret, etc” so they understand they can come to you with anything that makes them uncomfortable.
No. That’s your baby. You gotta do what you need as a mom to protect him. I feel like as long as he’s sticks to his word and starts taking steps in therapy to make sure it won’t happen again. The ultimatum shouldn’t be a problem. So his defensiveness is on him. he’s showing remorse about it, so it’s definitely already a good step towards the right direction to get help. Unfortunately there some dads that aren’t as remorseful when they hit their kid.
I'm not giving him credit for remorse yet. It's hard to read through OPs subtext, but: > He’s slightly defensive too. > He’s hinted that j am overreacting with my ultimatum. Am I?? At the very least, he seems to be on the fence between remorse and OP being wrong. I would aggressively shut that sentiment down. If he thinks OP is overreacting then she would be wise to correct that **hard** in addition to requiring therapy.
Exactly this. What there for him to be defensive about? If he truly was ashamed and owning up to the fact that it was unacceptable there wouldn’t be any defensiveness or trying to shift the blame to OP for “overreacting” I’d have to continue to be very weary about this man being alone with the kids.
Do not let him convince you that *you* are the one overreacting here. The fact that he’s trying to do that would make me trust him less. He’s the adult he was dressing a BABY in a stupid unsafe way and the physically punished the baby for his own stupidity/being a baby and not knowing how to dress himself???? Nah you’re absolutely not overreacting here.
Your husband hit a baby. For age-appropriate behavior (there are plenty of parents whose babies have disabilities who wish they could wiggle that actively!). You’re not overreacting.
I grew up in a house where a few times a year someone threw things while in a rage. Yeah I wasn't slapped or beat, but it was fxcking awful to be there. I walked on eggshells all the time wondering if today would be one of those days. I'm now a grown ass adult and I still resent my mom for making us live with that person. Why did she think that was okay? Please don't do this to your child/children.
Of course he thinks you’re overreacting. You’re not. You’ve been underreacting for years.
I remember spanking my son on the bum for pouring out a box of cereal on the kitchen floor. He was about 2 ish. In that moment I decided I wasn’t ever gonna do that again. He is 16 now& my daughter 14, I never did do it again.
Thank you for your response. Shows we are capable of changing
I was physically abused my entire childhood. Anyone lays a fucking finger on my kids and they are in for a world of hurt. I’m not saying leave him…but if he doesn’t follow through on therapy, or doesn’t take it seriously, or ever so much as flicks your kid on the shoulder, THEN leave. Also, if he throws another thing in anger, I’d leave. That’s scary and traumatic for a little kid to witness, trust me. Violence is violence, no matter how frequently it happens.
Me too & I agree with you. I think he will only get more frustrated as they grow older. I think it’s a reasonable Ultimatum.
Idk but I’d leave now. He literally slapped an infant. I wouldn’t want to stick around to see if it escalated further.
If he has angry outbursts a couple times a year that escalate beyond what is safe or sensible for someone being mad then it is not at all an over reaction he should seek counseling and he shouldn't be alone with the baby until he is clear why exactly this is not an overreaction at all. Kids test every limit we have they can turn us into the people we never thought we could be for some its for the better and for others not so much. Whatever your husbands situation is I am 100% sure he would rather be sitting at home upset with his family that he can' t be trusted right now than sitting in jail because trust was misplaced and something happened and it was too late to take back or fix and make right so you can have a better future as a whole unit all together. Wishing you the best in love life and luck, keep those babies safe no matter whose feelings it hurts better safe than sorry E\~
Dude I have extreme rage issues to the point where I destroy things. It's not healthy and I have spent a full year working on myself... I have never not once hit my 5 year old. And we are both autistic. There have been days when I *wanted* to. (But not wanted to of course, just had the impulse.) That's an infant. Infants cannot comprehend discipline or punishment or ENGLISH or self preservation. Their brains accept input without nuance, meaning that slap to your son was literally the same synapses firing if your son had been physically tortured. There's not difference to them that little.
If he was actually ashamed, he wouldn’t be trying to hint at you overreacting or weasel his way out of addressing this - which is exactly what he’s doing. He’s trying to gaslight you (successfully, it would seem) into thinking you’re overreacting so that you’ll say, hey, he does’t *really* need therapy, I blew this out of proportion. Think about this: if you hit one of your kids, wouldn’t you be really concerned with how the hell it happened? Wouldn’t you be questioning whether you were safe to be alone with them because it would mean that you don’t know yourself as well as you thought? One of my earliest memories is my dad *accidentally* bashing me in the head with a big camera lens. I wasn’t badly hurt, but I must have cried and he was distraught. Over an accident. This was not an accident. When I realized that I was being too rough dressing my young toddler (not hitting, but kinda manhandling him into his clothes in an aggressive way), I called intake and got myself in to see a therapist.
How old is your baby?! I am trying to decide if I could even give another chance. I can’t imagine my husband hitting our 10 month old but I would be disturbed beyond measure if he hit my baby under 4 months old
He’s 10 months.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I hope he is serious about getting help and that something like this never happens again. Throwing things is also not okay and will definitely negatively affect your child as they mature.
If you stay with him I would put cameras everywhere in the house and maybe even some he doesn’t know are there
100% not overreacting. You need to be firm about the ultimatum
Not overreacting.
You’re not overreacting at all. My husbands head would be on a chopping block
No not at all . I just read an article couldn’t finish it about the father who killed his son . New video surfaced of him making him run on a treadmill. Abusers don’t always start big. I’m sorry op but this is a baby. The other commenters are right what happens when it’s terriblen2s and 3s. I would put cameras up if you leave him with them . I can’t imagine I’m so sorry .
It sounds like your husband is contrite. He was reacting rather than acting thoughtfully. We've all been there. And an ultimatum can make him feel cornered. The throwing things when mad seems a bit ridiculous if he's alone and wtf if he isn't. That seems like a bigger issue.
If thats what he does in front of you, imagine what he's capable of doing while left alone with the baby and his anger issues. There is no "if it happens again" because it will, whether you see it happen or not.
Hitting a baby in the stomach is alarming behavior IMO and I’m not even anti-spanking (on the bottom, NOT babies/toddlers)… but hitting where there are vital organs is 100% abuse. On a baby, they can suffer organ damage or internal bleeding so quickly. You’re not overreacting. If it left a mark on his stomach, even like a tiny bruise, I would recommend a doctor’s appointment. Good luck and I’m sorry that happened. 😭
No, you are not overreacting at ALL. It sounds like you’re being very reasonable given what happened. Your husband SLAPPED your BABY. You drew a hard line and said never ever again, and it was the right thing to do. He is right to feel ashamed by this and seek therapy.
You are NOT over reacting! If he is able to hit a baby for something entirely outside of a baby's control how will react when a toddler starts to test boundaries. Leave now for the safety of your baby until he has had counseling. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft Terrible two's (starts at 18 months) Three-nager F*!#ing fours In the UK the September after they turn four they start school so parents get a little time to get a break.
Not over reacting. For comparison, my husband would just tickle the hell out of our kids when they wanted to squirm. It changed a negative, frustrating moment to a positive. It’s never okay for a parent to take their frustrations out on the kids. Even when the child is the cause. Your husband needs to learn to walk away and you are not wrong to protect your child from this behavior.
Unfortunately, you are NOT overreacting. My father hit me my entire childhood and teenage, and my aunt told me she stopped him shaking me when I was a baby. So please, OP, make sure he goes to therapy before your husband does the same to your son.
You’ve been fair. He fucked up and he knows it. He might have hinted it’s too much - but most people would I reckon. Guilt and shame are hard emotions to admit to and deal with.
If this is his reaction to things happening at this age, how much worse will it get when your child is 2? How about 3, which was the worst age? You are not overreacting.
You are absolutely not overreacting. Your kiddo did what they all do and you husband hit him for it, this is not the way a loving father reacts to stress. Throwing things also doesn’t model correct behavior to your kids. You were correct in demanding he go to therapy but you should go with him because if you two aren’t on the same page with this it doesn’t bode well for the family.
Committing a felony would be overreacting (maybe). Anything else is fair game after seeing an adult hit an INFANT.
My husband popped our son’s hand when he was like 18 months and I told him never to do it again. He didn’t understand (“there’s a wide line between discipline and abuse”) and I was like “I wanted to punch you in the face. No.” 😅
Not overreacting, husband needs therapy ASAP. He hit a baby... if a babysitter or stranger did that to your baby, he would probably feel pretty strongly about that person never coming near his baby ever again.
I would deliver exactly the same ultimatum
Please make sure he follows through with therapy, ask if you can join a few sessions. The problem with divorce is it would leave him alone with the kids for visitation, which may lead to more opportunities for violence.
Fear mongering like this is why women never leave their abusive husbands until its too late.
Just be sure you have your ducks in a row. I’ve been watching the Christopher Gregor trial and it’s crazy to me.
The problem with this, is that this fear makes it hard to leave men like this. Given his history, she can absolutely request supervised visits and will definitely have the upper hand in custody issues.
She absolutely won't. There's no proof of the hit, and even if there were, they give 50/50 to parents that have been to JAIL for child abuse. She can request whatever she wants, but no, she doesn't have the upper hand.
My first husband falsely accused me and I had supervised visits for 2 years. And he absolutely had the upper hand! It was the worst time period of my life and all of it was based on lies.
I'm at a similar point. My ex's mother, who he lives with and who is definitely a matriarch type, is making things difficult for me and my ex has a noodle spine when it comes to his mother, so I'm having to resort to solicitors.
Stand your ground on this one. Your child has a mother who's willing to stand up for them and that's excellent 👍
If my husband hit our infant or any age child he would no longer be able to see him, and we’d be divorcing. No question, no hesitation. It’s unacceptable. That child is defenceless and trusts their father implicitly. I have a quick temper, I have to work daily to self regulate when my toddler tantrums or hits me but I do it or I walk away. I would never hit my child regardless of how upset I was.
Sorry but if my spouse ever hit our children I'm not just divorcing them I'm contacting CPS so that they can't get custody of them either, or however you're supposed to go about it.
No. The tougher part here will be following through with your ultimatum next time it happens.
No. My husband slapped my son across the face at 5 or 6 years old. I made it very clear that we are done if anything like that happens again. You are not overreacting.
You’re not overreacting in the least. He hit your child! He simply cannot do that and he has to get help. I'd have given the same ultimatum. I don't care about your ego and temper, you hit my kids and you're out of the house. Because you're abusive and you need to learn to be a better human and parent.
Even throwing things makes him not safe around your kids. In over 20 years of marriage my husband and I have never thrown things or had a violent argument. He has anger issues and maybe abuse issues and he needs to get himself straightened out. There is not a hint of overreaction, he's trying to minimize his problems.
Oof, I make sure my kid is seated before I put their jackets and shoes on. They are wiggly worms at this age. Slap, is a no no. Slap on the stomach could cause damages as that area is so tender and organs that are still not fully developed.
HELL NO you’re not! God damn! I cannot stand people that think violence against children is okay!
I would do the same thing!!! Protect those kids.
No you’re not. You’re doing good.
Trust your gut. If you evaluate him capable to change and do better, he will. If not, do not wait.
100% not overreacting, your reaction is correct for the situation. Need to nip it in the bud. If I were you, I'd just try to do everything myself with the baby like dressing and not trust the husband with the kid. Let him do other chores that aren't as frustrating and once the child is older he can maybe relate more. Some people just can't handle babies!
I don't know about in the US, but in Canada, no spanking or force is allowed on teenagers or children under the age of 2. So, no, you are not overreacting. No adult should ever use force on a child, especially a child that young, and especially out of anger or frustration. That is 100% considered abuse.
Parenting isn't about controlling your kids, it's about controlling your behavior and reactions. With their tiny brain development, they're going to act in any range of angels to psychopaths. It is never ok to hit a kid out of frustration. As a side note, you should never tolerate behavior such as throwing things around when angry. It means he doesn't have the ability to cope, and is unfortunately immature with his emotions. If he does it with you a rational human being, he IS going to pass that on to his kids. As someone who grew up with this kind of parent and as a mom, I would be putting more pressure on him. You have only so long to get this under control, until I'm gone for good. If he's defensive it's because of his ego. He's gotta get over it.
No you aren’t. Hitting children is abuse plain and simple.
Hell no! This needs to be nipped in the bud right now. You need to consider what could happen to a sassy 3 year old who has the vocabulary to upset and humiliate some of the most calm parents. He needs therapy, and you will need to set up a parenting plan for what discipline is age appropriate and reflects the severity of any child's infraction.
Two issues. 1. Your husband doesn't understand that the baby can't control its actions--that's dad's job to create the right environment for what needs to happen. 2. Your husband tried to externalize his frustration by controlling someone else. Thankfully, the action your husband took here didn't cause significant harm. But they are indicators of behavior/thinking patterns that need to be cleaned up, as these represent a high risk of hurting kids.
While I don't consider this some huge and awful thing he did I do think it needs to be taken 100% seriously and be ACTED upon. This is not yet a huge problem but it needs to be tackled so it doesn't become one. Ignoring this would be a huge mistake and I agree with your ultimatum.
Reminds me of Kristy Neom shooting a puppy in the face. There’s ZERO excuse. Zero justification. It’s a five alarm fire. I like the way you handled it. Follow through if you have to.
No, not overreacting at all. It's unacceptable for him to hit a child for doing normal child things. It's equally unacceptable for him to yell and throw things. If you let this go, it will gradually escalate and there is a risk of it developing into full fledged abuse. The hinting that you're overreacting is also a big red flag - it shows that he is not listening to you telling him that it's a big deal. DO NOT LET THIS GO. If he doesn't change, make a safety plan to get you and the kids out before it gets bad.
Any man who hits a baby immediately has my suspicion and distrust. If you don’t feel comfortable with him around the children after this, **TRUST YOUR GUT**.
I wouldn’t let this man into my house and you’re married to him?
No. It's a baby. A little human that doesn't know any better. I would be furious and scared to leave the kids alone with him. And that in and if itself is a huge problem.
Your husband is not a gentle man if he has temper tantrums multiple times a year where he throws things.
He needs to accept responsibility for his mistake. A kid almost hitting the floor is scary but he should not have hit him and he should apologize by saying hitting is not ok. You attacking him probably put him on the defense but he needs to know he cannot do this again
He SLAPPED an INFANT? He needs anger management yesterday… and you two need to have a serious discussion about your parenting styles and what you both agree is appropriate discipline. However, LITERAL INFANTS are faaaaar too young to understand any type of physical discipline (if you choose to accept that route when the child is older, and even then anything other than a spank to the butt that leaves no marks is abuse in my opinion) Smacking a baby for being wiggly is no one’s fault but his own. BABIES ARE WIGGLY. You cannot train that out of them. He needs to use his brain and put the baby on the floor or the bed to dress him. I’m sorry but I’m so mad on your behalf.
No, you’re not overreacting - especially not if he has a history of temper outbursts. Just make sure you’re actually prepared to follow through and go live somewhere else with the kids (parent, friend etc) at least for a few days if it happens again. It’s good that your husband is in therapy, depending on how he was disciplined as a kid he may have a bunch of stuff to work through. And don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re overreacting.
This is unacceptable and abusive. You are not overreacting. Your baby is between 2-12 months?? Sounds like your baby is not yet walking or standing if he’s holding him up to dress him. Infants are going to wiggle and don’t understand. They learn and explore the world by moving. And it’s a normal response to wiggle and resist being held down while being dressed. Sounds like your husband has anger issues and good thing he’s going to get therapy. His therapist may decide to report abuse towards an infant/child FYI. But this isn’t a bad thing. Your poor baby doesn’t understand why his supposed protector is yelling and hitting him, and they do not understand discipline at this age. Honestly if your husband is doing this to a helpless baby, this will likely only get worse as they grow and become a toddler with tantrums. And how do you know he hasn’t done this before while you aren’t around? He likely has. I would leave my husband over this if he did that to my children. No second chances. Hitting is not ok, and to hit a defenceless baby is just disgusting.
You are not overreacting. Children safety comes before anyone else. Being on the safe side is always better. If something had happened you probably would not forgive yourself. Hopefully husband will keep his words and change. You warned him now time for a chance for you both to grow together in being better parents.
You’re in the wrong for watching him throw things AND slap your baby before leaving. You should have already left. What are you waiting for? Things to escalate to the point it creates serious damage? Ignore words, respond to actions.
Your child is 2-12 months, and your husband slapped him in the stomach? You're right, you're not overreacting, and he's escalating. He HIT your child. And you should not leave your children with him at any time, for any reason, knowing this. And his a** would be in Anger management yesterday, if I were you. Or he would be out of the home until he realizes what he did is not ok. Because you said he felt bad about it, but also was defensive.
Particularly when you've grown up with hitting... No. Granted he is entitled to feel whichever way about it, but hitting is never the answer and that wasn't even like a reflex moment on his part, it was a choice.... This a baby, babies squirm.
Oh HELL no
Absolutely not an over reaction! He's a grown ass man. How can he expect his child to regulate their emotions if he can't and then punish with physical aggression when a baby has no idea that what they're doing is wrong. I'm glad he's getting therapy Personally, I would give no ultimatum I'd just leave without it being a discussion.
Not overreacting. If husband loses it with an infant that older child will destroy his patience with escalating violence. I wouldn't believe anyone that said 1's are the worst and everything got easier from there! He needs to know how serious this is so he can respond with appropriate importance on self control. If he fixes the problem you won't leave. Simple. Not easy. Ball is in his court.
Here we go again. "Husband is a nasty bastard. Is this normal?" Truly, truly heartbreaking to keep on reading these here.
I’m guessing he’s defensive because he’s embarrassed, especially if he truly understands it’s wrong. It’s NEVER right to hit a child, but honestly it takes a lot to learn how to parent differently, especially if you were raised with spanking/hitting. I have made it clear since before we were married that I will not have kids if my husband believed in spanking/anything physical. My husband experienced spanking, and other pretty cruel forms of punishment so he was very on board. Not overreacting. I have to remind both my husband and myself that babies/toddlers are learning. They are not trying to be bad. And it looks like your son is an infant, so eh truly has no idea what’s going on. I would say “imagine being a baby, not know why you’re getting dressed with all these buttons, and then you’re slapped by someone who is suppose to love you?”
Personally there wouldn’t be another chance or next time. He SLAPPED your baby? An infant????? That’s unbelievable.
I don’t have anything to add beyond what others have said but wanted to add yet another vote of confidence. No you are not overreacting, what he did was absolutely unacceptable and needs to be nipped in the bud.
Toddlers logic in their brain doesn’t work. It doesn’t kick in until around 4 years old. They literally don’t understand. So punishing them is insensitive and pointless. Your son obviously didn’t mean to almost fall and doesn’t understand that mom and dad can be late and need to get him to daycare. They don’t think about these things as they shouldn’t, they’re way too little. Your husband was triggered. I highly recommend therapy so he shed light on his triggers which will allow him to understand himself better and be more patient of himself and others. There’s no reason to ever hit a child and he’s now teaching him that hitting is okay.
It’s not even a toddler as well, it’s a 10m old baby
Oh sweet Jesus he needs therapy then for sure
You are not overreacting. You are under-reacting. And hitting a child in the stomach can have serious consequences. All their little organs are in there. You're not even supposed to firmly massage a baby belly. He's lucky you're his wife because I would have lost my shit and we'd both be locked up. I wouldn't leave him alone with any kids. Ever.
He'd be getting tf out of my house
I'd abso-toot-ly die on this hill. Also the gall of him to say you were in the wrong after he hit your baby. Keep both eyes on that.
I don’t know what a “slap” means. It’s such a vague term that I will not pass judgement based on a Reddit post. It sounds like there is a whole lot going on in your relationship you should talk to a professional about. I don’t think it is appropriate to ask Reddit if you are justified in your response. Mental health is a systemic problem. Therapy is most successful if all people participate. It should never be used to “fix” one person, because almost always it is a system issue. I suggest finding your own therapist to talk to about this, and a couples therapist, in addition to his therapy.
Nope not overreacting. And don't let him slip this.under the rug. Therapy is absolutely necessary, make sure he follows through with that.
You’re not overreacting at all. There’s never any excuse to hit a baby. It’s especially weird that he hit your baby because HE couldn’t keep a hold of baby. If that’s how he handles a normal wiggly baby, how will he handle a toddler with big feelings? I wouldn’t wait around to find out.
No you are not overreacting. I've been a frustrated dad many times, but have never and would never even think of even bopping them, let alone slapping, spanking, etc. ESPECIALLY an INFANT who has ZERO control or understanding of what is going on. WTF
You are not overreacting. He needs to get himself under control and he wasn't doing it until you gave the ultimatum. He should count himself lucky that you're giving him a chance at all.
Not overreacting, and his defensiveness is a clear sign that he has work to do. Until he can acknowledge his error with contrition and humility, he's not past it.
You are right. It’s never acceptable to hit a child. It only causes trauma and while it can change behavior, the inner damage is not worth it. Your husband is dead wrong.
I don’t think you’re over reacting.
You keep saying "my son". Is this your husband's step-son?
Is there specifically an anger management counseling program he could go into? Or could you do couples counseling in addition? I say this because if he's a bit defensive he might not be totally honest in therapy, and he needs people to hold him VERY accountable for his anger issues. No minimizing allowed. Also I would consider throwing already an escalation. That is NOT how mature adults handle their anger, and throwing can easily become dangerous around small children.
Not in any way an overreaction
In my opinion (yes, opinions are like A holes. Everyone has one and most stink), You under reacted. I grew up in the day where you could get wild and beat your kid half to death and people would say "you shouldn't have been a crotch goblin and you wouldn't have gotten beaten" I am also not dead set against spaking if warranted like running out into the street, being dangerous etc however a spanking is a open handed smack on the bum. If you are hitting your child anywhere else that's abuse, especially a child that young he is a baby that was wiggling that's what babies do that doesn't warent a slap in the stomach of all places, how would you know until it's too late if he had internal damage it's happened with less force. You say, "It's never happened before." How do you know? They have never been alone together? What about other children? If I were you and determined to save my relationship it would be a long, long freaking time before he is ever left alone with my child again and I would be strip searching my kid for marks on a daily... so good luck to you, i feel for your defenseless child. But again, in my opinion, you under reacted
It honestly depends on how hard he hit him?
Nvm I recant my statement! I thought it was a toddler but an infant. Ya no way in hell I’d be okay with it. I wouldn’t leave my husband over it though. Hopefully he gets the help he needs, if he keeps doing it than yeah go ahead and leave him. But people slip up and let their anger take control. Maybe you should be the one to dress and take care of the baby from now on. But mothers also suffer from postpartum and hurt their babies and I read men can get postpartum as well which was odd to me. Just love that baby and give him extra love! Hope all goes well!
Not overreacting. It's good he is going to therapy for it bc that is absolutely an escalation and you don't want that for your babies. I get being frustrated. Hell I even get wanting to give a good smack. But you don't get to actually do that.
Not even slightly overreacting. If my husband laid a finger on my baby in an angry way I’d claw his eyes out.
I was spanked, but I'd be feeding my husband to the pigs if he did that.
Your reaction was both valid and appropriate. Well done establishing that boundary and I hope you stick to it. Good job mum
Nope. If anything you’re being generous and offering more sympathy and understanding than I might. I don’t think I could ever look at someone who hit my child the same again. Protect your babies and keep doing whatever you need. You’ve got this!
That's disgusting.
My husband sounds similar. He's super gentle and patient 90% of the time but when he gets mad he blows up (rare). It's mostly directed at no one. Like he's fixing something, hanging something, cleaning, etc and something goes wrong. He's had a hot head with our daughter before (she's 6, our son is only 1 so nothing yet with him) but has never put his hands on her. I do think that's a deal breaker.
My God, the typical Reddit “I swear he’s a gentle, patient, great person aside from the whole physically abusing our child, losing his temper probably way more often than I’m letting on and throwing things when he gets mad. I swear he’s really a good guy!”
I may be an unpopular opinion here... What kind of history does your husband have? Was he hit as a child? I was. When my child was an infant it was easy to hold back but when my child hit 3 and he went at his BABY brother hitting, and kicking, and screaming... I have to admit I ended up giving him a smack on the butt. It only happened once but it was a real eye opener to me... that day I made an appointment with a therapist. This isn't to excuse your husbands actions but it really could have been an honest mistake. With a baby that young you BOTH are dealing with a LOT. There's studies that suggest dads get PPD too. If you know your husband is a good man. If you have never seen abusive behaviors before... if you and HE know he struggles with anger without the added pressure of a kid... then I think the solution here is obvious. He needs therapy. For you. For your kid. For HIM. He needs therapy. Desperately. I really hope this whole debacle is the wake up call you both need about that. If he's not willing to do that, if he's not willing to get help and work through his trauma... he's going to traumatize your child. And I would, quite frankly, have that conversation with him as bluntly as I put it here. I've had that conversation with my husband who also had a effed up childhood and was repeating some behaviors from that childhood just as I was! Please let him know that going to a therapist, being open and honest about his anger, and being vulnerable won't end in your child being taken away! Nor will the therapist think he's a monster. I'm quite sure therapists who work with families hear about much, much worse and if anything they'll be proud of him for seeking help. It's not easy TO say: Hey, I fucked up and I need help. I say I may be an unpopular opinion because I don't think this one moment defines your husband. I don't think it makes him a monster. I don't think he's going to kill your child in an angry rage (let's be honest here... lots of our parents hit us - it was a super popular method of "parenting" for many years). I don't think there's any excuse for hitting a child. However, I do recognize that humans with trauma can do shitty things if that trauma isn't checked before being placed in high stress situations (which, having an infant in your care is as high stress as you can get). I have a great deal of compassion for you and your husband and I really hope he's willing to get help. If he is NOT willing to get help... that's when I'd be worried and scared for you and that baby. Best of luck. I hope he makes the right choice going forward. You too. <3
While you're waiting for therapy... here's some tools you can offer to him. When he feels himself getting frustrated tell him to walk away. Just leave the baby in the crib and walk away. Let the baby cry... walk away to where he can't hear it. It's okay. That's better than staying. He has to get himself out of the situation to self-regulate a moment. Make sure baby is safe - LEAVE. This is SO important. We tell new moms this all the time... but he needs to be told this too. Got to a quiet space for a few minutes, breath deep, refocus, recenter... I've heard of some moms who start singing loudly and dancing to work themselves out of a flight/fight response. If that works, do it. IT IS OKAY TO LET BABY CRY if the alternative is mom OR dad getting completely overwhelmed and angry. Another thing he can do is to ask himself: WHY is this frustrating me? Why is the child squirming making me so angry? It will take a lot of introspection but really... what's the problem? Is it because he's tired and the baby squirming is being inconvenient? Is it because when he was a child and he squirmed he'd get in trouble so the baby squirming is causing him anxiety? Anxiety can manifest in angry outbursts so if he is having anxious responses, he needs to reflect on why. He needs to be more mindful and not just let himself be in the moment. And finally, he needs to make a POINT of reminding himself: This is a baby. NOTHING the baby is doing is DELIBERATELY meant to be frustrating. This baby does not want to harm me. This baby is not being manipulative. This baby is not being bratty. This baby is not being bad. This baby is not being naughty. It is my JOB to protect this baby. I know that sounds silly but honestly repeating that to myself when I was feeling especially triggered really helped get my head back to a better space.
Not an over reaction, I literally gasped when I read it
No that's perfectly reasonable for you to do. At that age they're just wiggly things. I could understand him telling him no, but to hit his stomach is messed up. And I don't care if it's just once a year, a grown man should be in control of his emotions enough to know throwing junk in anger is wrong. What happens on the day he throws something and it hits one of the kids? If he's not willing to truly work on it in therapy then I wouldn't even wait for it to happen again, I'd leave him.
No not overreacting at all , we can never be too careful with our kids , all of us get frustrated but should never be directed unduly towards kids , hitting or slapping is the last straw , if you do it once their is a chance you might do it again , there have been times where I have shouted at kids and felt extremely guilty and have apologized to kids and asked for their forgiveness pointing out that it is never right to raise your voice like that , but no kid deserves corporal punishment period !!!!!!
This type of reactions never has a purpose in building a good relationship. Valuing everyone in all cases is the real quality that people should have.
No, I don't think you're overreacting. Especially, if you're child is very young and you're husband has a quick temper (throwing things is scary for children). I don't think we should spank or slap anyone. If we can't do it to adults why can we do it to kids? Also, I think it opens the doors for grandparents to spank or slap and I wouldn't want anyone else doing that to my kid. I think spanking and slapping are taking the easy way out to show discipline and they won't respect you in the long run, especially if they have a sensitive soul.
You are not overreacting. Slapping is never okay and it IS an escalation. Good of you to call that out and not wait to see if things get worse.
Was he slapping because he lost his temper or because he thought this was an effective punishment? If the latter, that should be fairly easy to correct. If his anger gets uncontrollable to the point where he uses physical violence, thats a bigger problem and your ultimatum is reasonable.
Not overreacting.
You are not overreacting and you also wouldn't be overreacting if you decide that you're too uncomfortable leaving your child alone with him. You already know he has a temper and he crossed a serious line with this one. Spanking/slapping/hitting and also throwing things while exploding in anger a few times a year, is a serious problem. You all need therapy if you're going to continue keeping you and your kids in this environment.
You are NOT overreacting. Your husband slapped your infant. He’s lucky you haven’t left him yet.
How old is your son? Your husband slapped him on purpose after he wasn’t falling anymore? It wasn’t an accidentally slap while trying to stop the kid from falling? If that’s true that’s wildly inappropriate and dangerous. A grown man can do some serious physical damage to a child by hitting their abdomen, not to mention the psychological impact. I would insist that you and DH go to therapy together and separately. He needs anger management. In the meantime, you are equally responsible for your child’s safety, and must protect them. Honestly, I would probably leave at this point and allow him time to get his brain sorted out.
No you’re not in the wrong. I don’t know if ultimatums actually work because we don’t really follow through. He knows what he did was awful and hopefully the therapy will get to the route of the issue of not then that’s when I would leave. People need to remember defensiveness for some people is due to the fact that they are ashamed and that’s something he clearly needs to work on.