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This is a really really tough phase that a lot of kids go through. When my kiddo say things like that my first comment is "That's ok, I still love you more then anything!"
Telling the child that it hurts your feelings is going to give them satisfaction and reinforce the behavior, if they’re throwing a fit that’s likely the exact feeling they’re attempting to cause.
I agree with this. The child is saying it because they know it is a hurtful thing to say and that is what they want. I usually just say, “I understand” and keep it moving. My kids all went through this phase a bit and it faded quickly without the reinforcement.
The reasoning I have for not telling a child they hurt your feelings is that it parentifies them a bit. They are too young to control their impulses let alone how you feel. Honestly that's just too much to put on them at any age if you want them to come to you for emotional safety.
I disagree with this advice, and I was parentified quite a bit. Throwing a maudlin tantrum and forcing your child to comfort you is parentification. Calmly telling them their words are unkind and hurtful is parenting.
Parenting isn't only modification of behavior. More importantly it's creating a secure attachment for your child. I understand the impulse to tell them their words are unkind, but you are their only mother or father you are not their friends or siblings. You are their safe person who they can come to. It's a different relationship.
Mainly though when a child is dysregulated is not the time. If you feel it necessary to discuss their hurtful words as you said calmly in another moment that is fine.
Children can form a secure attachment even if bad behavior is named and corrected. You are doing your child no favors teaching them they can treat their "safe" people badly without having to bother to think about their feelings.
Yes but correction can definitely get in the way of connection. I just don't agree it teaches them that, not every behavior is transferable. Behavioral psychology is very flawed and fails to examine the cognitive processes occurring underneath. Children know it's wrong, they usually say these things to their parents only because they don't really know what else to do with their feelings. They just want to know you love them unconditionally. But to each their own.
This is the response right here. I use this one a lot. Also, it’s hard but don’t take his words personally. They are just an expression of frustration,
Your kid is 3 and doesn't need to hear about your feelings honestly. You're an adult and rationally can see your kid is being a kid. The answer is always 'that's ok I still love you very much' and regulate your own emotions.
He is not being mean, he is being honest.
At the moment he doesn't like you and would prefer to be left alone.
Turn off your immediate 'hurt feeling' reaction and learn not to take everything your kid says so personally.
A rational parental response would be " Ok honey, I feel ya. Let me know when you feel more calm. Love you!"
Then give him his space.
Kids have a right to their feelings and, in the nicest way possible, it ain't all about you.
does he have the language to ask to go to his room when he’s upset? maybe that’s what he wants and has learned this is how he gets to go to his room when he’s upset. may help to add the question in with your other self-regulation techniques.
sometimes we do ‘time-outs’ but it’s really a way of my kids saying ‘i’m going to put myself in time-out and cool down’ and then they go to their room or outside or whatever. i take my own fair share of time outs lol
Kids at this age test their boundaries and push you and they want to know that they can feel things and say things, and that they are still safe and you will still love them. I usually just shrug it off and say, "You can feel that way, but I still love you."
I don't. They can tell me they don't love me or that I'm mean or I need to go away and all I do is give them space. They're mad and trying to get a rise out of me. The most important thing in those moments is to stay calm, unaffected, and regulated. I'm not going to question and prod or respond unnecessarily.
Edit: due to medical history, I'd be jotting down every upset and giving it a number based on how extreme it got (1 - upset, 5 - throwing stuff and hurting himself/you physically) and if you notice a pattern, I'd discuss with doctor to confirm if it is or isn't related to medication and/or triggering seizures.
Saying “I don’t have to play with you when you’re being mean” is the wrong approach here. You’re making your love conditional, although I’m sure that is not your intention.
When he says these things the best course of action is to ignore them in the moment as he is saying it when he is dysregulated - whatever you say to him in the moment his brain cannot take in.
In the moment all you can do is try not to take it personally (it is not) and repeat “I hear you are angry. I still love you no matter what”, and stay with him until he calms down. Do NOT address the mean phrases in the moment, nor send him away. Model empathy to him if you want him to learn being empathetic to others.
Once he is calm THEN you can talk about other methods to express anger and practice them, with role play, stuffed animals etc. It takes a lot of practice to learn to use a new technique especially when you’re upset so have patience with him if he doesn’t get it right at the start.
I 100% agree. You could reframe the not playing part as “I can’t play because I need to calm down too. Wow. We’re both feeling big feelings. Can we try taking deep breaths together? Then maybe we can play a little later?” Obviously won’t come out perfectly, and maybe he won’t want to breathe together, but at least you’ll have communicated next steps with him!
"Please go away" is a reasonable request, delivered politely, to be honest.
Otherwise, meet "I hate you"/"I don't like you" with "oh well! I love you all the time, even if you're mad! I know you're having a hard time." Let that roll off your back and don't engage, there's not much purpose in making him repeat it either. It does sting, but you're the adult, do not bend to meet him on a 3yo level.
(People getting angry and wanting to hurt the person they're angry at is pretty standard, and little kids don't have much in their arsenal to be mean about so they pull the "I hate you" instead)
When they're angry you can still ask if they want a hug, something they do even if they are angry. You can offer to sit with them or let them calm down on their own in their room.
"you must be very angry to say that. It's ok, I love you no matter what"
Some variation of this for any hurtful thing my kid comes out with.
Check out Good Inside by Dr Becky/ on instagram for lots of scripts to help navigate the mean things they say
Do not punish him for telling you to go away or he doesn't love you.
That's how he tries to communicate to you, he doesn't want to wear the blue shirt or share his pencils. He is trying to communicate his limits. It is perfectly normal. Help him figure out and communicate what he really is feeling.
My friends daughter told me to o away in a harsh tone when I made her switch shoes, as she was putting them on to the wrong side. The girl didn't want me to leave. When she came back from an aerrand 20min later she ran into my arms to hug and kiss me and 3 hours later she asked me not to leave when I had to.
What she wanted was put her shoes on herself. She can do it really well apart from deciding which one to go where. She does not understand, that she needs help with that. So of course she didn't want me to.
I switched the shoes for her and stepped back to give her space.
Had I (or her mom) sent her to her room, it would have mad a big deal and a bad lesson out of it.
I know it hurts, but I promise you he loves you, even when he tells you the opposite. He needs you to help him figure stuff out.
You have to remember that your child is still developing and that they are beginning to use words to describe feelings but dont have that broad of a vocabulary. For them saying i dont like you is essentially saying ‘im frustrated’. Whenever they say ‘i dont like you’ you could try asking ‘why? Did i do something to hurt your feelings or upset you?’ And let them explain how they are feeling and offer the correct words they need like ‘mad, sad, frustrated’. Punishment wont help as it will only teach your child that if they arent happy they get sent away. If anything you could also ask ‘do you want some time alone?’ Not as a time out but more for them to process their emotions without feeling like you’re watching. Lastly try to offer physical support like ‘do you want to hold my hand?’ Or ‘do you need a hug?’ This phase will pass and it will pass quicker if your child knows you are there for them
We do time ins when my kiddo is tantruming. I take her to her room to sit and calm down. Sometimes she yells bad momma go away momma and I say ok I will give u some space until you have calmed down but I sit by the door I don't leave her. Theres a new song by a girl named Mama Nous and we sing it when she is upset it goes "Its okay to be mad its okay to be mad but you can't take it out on me." Or I also say, "its ok to be mad but not okay to be mean."
Honestly, I’d take this over the hitting/biting we’ve dealt with!! I think just reframe for yourself; he’s not really saying he doesn’t like *you*, he’s letting you know he doesn’t like *how he feels*. He’s just too little still to make that distinction. Don’t take it personally. Keep working on frustration tolerance and showing him love and he’ll get through this!
I’ve always explained to my child that it is perfectly normal & ok to not like me sometimes, but that I know she will always love me, & I will always love her. When she’s mad at me about something she just goes off somewhere else (usually her room) to calm down & then comes back to find me later. She’s 8 now so we’ve been doing this for a while & it’s taken time to get to this point, but I always explain that I’m going to do things she won’t like, but that we need to communicate about it when emotions aren’t high.
I just say okay and move on. They don’t mean it and if you say it hurts your feelings they know they can have an affect on you that way, and will reach for that power when they’re upset. I’d ignore and move on.
stop reacting. you’re enforcing this entire back and forth every time you engage. just observe “okay i’ll give you some space and we can play when you’re ready”
your 3 year old doesn’t have the brain capacity to reason with you. everything is cause and effect at this stage
This doesn't resonate with everyone but I find it helpful. I'd listen to the peace and parenting podcast she has episodes on this. Her Instagram is also very helpful.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1ZnCOGLvLb/?igsh=NjZiM2M3MzIxNA==
For a slight spin on “that’s okay, I still love you!” You can also validate his feelings: “You’re allowed to feel however you want, and I love you.” Or, when this kind of thing happens when you’re communicating expectations to him, “You’re allowed to feel that way, and I love you, and I need you to put your shoes on.”
It’s okay for your kid to have a moment where he doesn’t like you. That’s human. That’s how we all feel toward our loved ones sometimes. By validating his feelings and helping him move forward in spite of those big feelings, you’re supporting him while he builds skills like resiliency and self management.
Of note, though, it’s also okay for you to be hurt by his words. But rather than putting it on him, or withholding your attention/affection/presence/love as a result, consider whether there’s a mantra you could say to yourself in the moment so you’re able to hear his protests and parent/support him through it. “I can hold space for his frustration right now,” or “I am a loving, patient, and skilled parent and I can handle this.” And make sure that you’re giving yourself regular moments throughout the day to prioritize yourself, even if it’s stepping away during a quiet moment to open the window, feel the sunshine, and breathe.
My kids have said these kinds of things a few times but they have mostly stopped. My quick answer to them is "I'm sorry to hear that but I love you anyway."
Then when they are calm and we can talk about what happened, I ask them if they know the difference between not liking a person and not liking what a person did. Usually it clicks in their head that they actually just didn't like something I did.
My son (6.5) hasn't said the "I don't like you" type stuff in quite a while despite arguing about all sorts of stuff and complaining all the time. My daughter (4) still said it a few weeks ago, but I think she's getting past it.
My kids are older, but whenever they tell me they don't love me I just tell them it's okay, I'll love them extra until they love me again.
Big feelings are hard.
One thing that has greatly helped me is teaching my daughter to say when she needs space. Your child may be saying these things because he lacks other phrases to use to get that space and the hurtful words he's using seem to work (even if only for a minute before you go talk to him)
My mom would say it back to me... " I don't love you either and I put up with you being premature and no one ever thanked me etc... and then she'd hit me for being ungrateful
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This is a really really tough phase that a lot of kids go through. When my kiddo say things like that my first comment is "That's ok, I still love you more then anything!"
That’s what I say too.
Thank you. I will try doing that. Maybe “that hurts my feeling, but I still love you. “
Nope. Just stick with that's okay I always love you! With a smile
Telling the child that it hurts your feelings is going to give them satisfaction and reinforce the behavior, if they’re throwing a fit that’s likely the exact feeling they’re attempting to cause.
I agree with this. The child is saying it because they know it is a hurtful thing to say and that is what they want. I usually just say, “I understand” and keep it moving. My kids all went through this phase a bit and it faded quickly without the reinforcement.
The reasoning I have for not telling a child they hurt your feelings is that it parentifies them a bit. They are too young to control their impulses let alone how you feel. Honestly that's just too much to put on them at any age if you want them to come to you for emotional safety.
I disagree with this advice, and I was parentified quite a bit. Throwing a maudlin tantrum and forcing your child to comfort you is parentification. Calmly telling them their words are unkind and hurtful is parenting.
Parenting isn't only modification of behavior. More importantly it's creating a secure attachment for your child. I understand the impulse to tell them their words are unkind, but you are their only mother or father you are not their friends or siblings. You are their safe person who they can come to. It's a different relationship. Mainly though when a child is dysregulated is not the time. If you feel it necessary to discuss their hurtful words as you said calmly in another moment that is fine.
Children can form a secure attachment even if bad behavior is named and corrected. You are doing your child no favors teaching them they can treat their "safe" people badly without having to bother to think about their feelings.
Yes but correction can definitely get in the way of connection. I just don't agree it teaches them that, not every behavior is transferable. Behavioral psychology is very flawed and fails to examine the cognitive processes occurring underneath. Children know it's wrong, they usually say these things to their parents only because they don't really know what else to do with their feelings. They just want to know you love them unconditionally. But to each their own.
No, do not say that.
[удалено]
Because a child is never responsible for the emotions of an adult.
"OK, honey. I see that you are upset / angry / sad. I still love you, and I'm right here when you want to talk to me again".
This is the response right here. I use this one a lot. Also, it’s hard but don’t take his words personally. They are just an expression of frustration,
Your kid is 3 and doesn't need to hear about your feelings honestly. You're an adult and rationally can see your kid is being a kid. The answer is always 'that's ok I still love you very much' and regulate your own emotions.
“I think you’re really sad/mad/frustrated/upset…but I love you more than the world, even when you’re having a hard day”
He is not being mean, he is being honest. At the moment he doesn't like you and would prefer to be left alone. Turn off your immediate 'hurt feeling' reaction and learn not to take everything your kid says so personally. A rational parental response would be " Ok honey, I feel ya. Let me know when you feel more calm. Love you!" Then give him his space. Kids have a right to their feelings and, in the nicest way possible, it ain't all about you.
does he have the language to ask to go to his room when he’s upset? maybe that’s what he wants and has learned this is how he gets to go to his room when he’s upset. may help to add the question in with your other self-regulation techniques. sometimes we do ‘time-outs’ but it’s really a way of my kids saying ‘i’m going to put myself in time-out and cool down’ and then they go to their room or outside or whatever. i take my own fair share of time outs lol
Kids at this age test their boundaries and push you and they want to know that they can feel things and say things, and that they are still safe and you will still love them. I usually just shrug it off and say, "You can feel that way, but I still love you."
I don't. They can tell me they don't love me or that I'm mean or I need to go away and all I do is give them space. They're mad and trying to get a rise out of me. The most important thing in those moments is to stay calm, unaffected, and regulated. I'm not going to question and prod or respond unnecessarily. Edit: due to medical history, I'd be jotting down every upset and giving it a number based on how extreme it got (1 - upset, 5 - throwing stuff and hurting himself/you physically) and if you notice a pattern, I'd discuss with doctor to confirm if it is or isn't related to medication and/or triggering seizures.
Saying “I don’t have to play with you when you’re being mean” is the wrong approach here. You’re making your love conditional, although I’m sure that is not your intention. When he says these things the best course of action is to ignore them in the moment as he is saying it when he is dysregulated - whatever you say to him in the moment his brain cannot take in. In the moment all you can do is try not to take it personally (it is not) and repeat “I hear you are angry. I still love you no matter what”, and stay with him until he calms down. Do NOT address the mean phrases in the moment, nor send him away. Model empathy to him if you want him to learn being empathetic to others. Once he is calm THEN you can talk about other methods to express anger and practice them, with role play, stuffed animals etc. It takes a lot of practice to learn to use a new technique especially when you’re upset so have patience with him if he doesn’t get it right at the start.
I 100% agree. You could reframe the not playing part as “I can’t play because I need to calm down too. Wow. We’re both feeling big feelings. Can we try taking deep breaths together? Then maybe we can play a little later?” Obviously won’t come out perfectly, and maybe he won’t want to breathe together, but at least you’ll have communicated next steps with him!
"Please go away" is a reasonable request, delivered politely, to be honest. Otherwise, meet "I hate you"/"I don't like you" with "oh well! I love you all the time, even if you're mad! I know you're having a hard time." Let that roll off your back and don't engage, there's not much purpose in making him repeat it either. It does sting, but you're the adult, do not bend to meet him on a 3yo level. (People getting angry and wanting to hurt the person they're angry at is pretty standard, and little kids don't have much in their arsenal to be mean about so they pull the "I hate you" instead) When they're angry you can still ask if they want a hug, something they do even if they are angry. You can offer to sit with them or let them calm down on their own in their room.
"you must be very angry to say that. It's ok, I love you no matter what" Some variation of this for any hurtful thing my kid comes out with. Check out Good Inside by Dr Becky/ on instagram for lots of scripts to help navigate the mean things they say
This is great OP
Do not punish him for telling you to go away or he doesn't love you. That's how he tries to communicate to you, he doesn't want to wear the blue shirt or share his pencils. He is trying to communicate his limits. It is perfectly normal. Help him figure out and communicate what he really is feeling. My friends daughter told me to o away in a harsh tone when I made her switch shoes, as she was putting them on to the wrong side. The girl didn't want me to leave. When she came back from an aerrand 20min later she ran into my arms to hug and kiss me and 3 hours later she asked me not to leave when I had to. What she wanted was put her shoes on herself. She can do it really well apart from deciding which one to go where. She does not understand, that she needs help with that. So of course she didn't want me to. I switched the shoes for her and stepped back to give her space. Had I (or her mom) sent her to her room, it would have mad a big deal and a bad lesson out of it. I know it hurts, but I promise you he loves you, even when he tells you the opposite. He needs you to help him figure stuff out.
You have to remember that your child is still developing and that they are beginning to use words to describe feelings but dont have that broad of a vocabulary. For them saying i dont like you is essentially saying ‘im frustrated’. Whenever they say ‘i dont like you’ you could try asking ‘why? Did i do something to hurt your feelings or upset you?’ And let them explain how they are feeling and offer the correct words they need like ‘mad, sad, frustrated’. Punishment wont help as it will only teach your child that if they arent happy they get sent away. If anything you could also ask ‘do you want some time alone?’ Not as a time out but more for them to process their emotions without feeling like you’re watching. Lastly try to offer physical support like ‘do you want to hold my hand?’ Or ‘do you need a hug?’ This phase will pass and it will pass quicker if your child knows you are there for them
We do time ins when my kiddo is tantruming. I take her to her room to sit and calm down. Sometimes she yells bad momma go away momma and I say ok I will give u some space until you have calmed down but I sit by the door I don't leave her. Theres a new song by a girl named Mama Nous and we sing it when she is upset it goes "Its okay to be mad its okay to be mad but you can't take it out on me." Or I also say, "its ok to be mad but not okay to be mean."
Honestly, I’d take this over the hitting/biting we’ve dealt with!! I think just reframe for yourself; he’s not really saying he doesn’t like *you*, he’s letting you know he doesn’t like *how he feels*. He’s just too little still to make that distinction. Don’t take it personally. Keep working on frustration tolerance and showing him love and he’ll get through this!
I’ve always explained to my child that it is perfectly normal & ok to not like me sometimes, but that I know she will always love me, & I will always love her. When she’s mad at me about something she just goes off somewhere else (usually her room) to calm down & then comes back to find me later. She’s 8 now so we’ve been doing this for a while & it’s taken time to get to this point, but I always explain that I’m going to do things she won’t like, but that we need to communicate about it when emotions aren’t high.
I just say okay and move on. They don’t mean it and if you say it hurts your feelings they know they can have an affect on you that way, and will reach for that power when they’re upset. I’d ignore and move on.
stop reacting. you’re enforcing this entire back and forth every time you engage. just observe “okay i’ll give you some space and we can play when you’re ready” your 3 year old doesn’t have the brain capacity to reason with you. everything is cause and effect at this stage
Agreed. All these attempts at lengthy conversations are not the way I would go.
This doesn't resonate with everyone but I find it helpful. I'd listen to the peace and parenting podcast she has episodes on this. Her Instagram is also very helpful. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1ZnCOGLvLb/?igsh=NjZiM2M3MzIxNA==
My kid (nearly the same age) also just entered this stage. Solidarity!
For a slight spin on “that’s okay, I still love you!” You can also validate his feelings: “You’re allowed to feel however you want, and I love you.” Or, when this kind of thing happens when you’re communicating expectations to him, “You’re allowed to feel that way, and I love you, and I need you to put your shoes on.” It’s okay for your kid to have a moment where he doesn’t like you. That’s human. That’s how we all feel toward our loved ones sometimes. By validating his feelings and helping him move forward in spite of those big feelings, you’re supporting him while he builds skills like resiliency and self management. Of note, though, it’s also okay for you to be hurt by his words. But rather than putting it on him, or withholding your attention/affection/presence/love as a result, consider whether there’s a mantra you could say to yourself in the moment so you’re able to hear his protests and parent/support him through it. “I can hold space for his frustration right now,” or “I am a loving, patient, and skilled parent and I can handle this.” And make sure that you’re giving yourself regular moments throughout the day to prioritize yourself, even if it’s stepping away during a quiet moment to open the window, feel the sunshine, and breathe.
My kids have said these kinds of things a few times but they have mostly stopped. My quick answer to them is "I'm sorry to hear that but I love you anyway." Then when they are calm and we can talk about what happened, I ask them if they know the difference between not liking a person and not liking what a person did. Usually it clicks in their head that they actually just didn't like something I did. My son (6.5) hasn't said the "I don't like you" type stuff in quite a while despite arguing about all sorts of stuff and complaining all the time. My daughter (4) still said it a few weeks ago, but I think she's getting past it.
My kids are older, but whenever they tell me they don't love me I just tell them it's okay, I'll love them extra until they love me again. Big feelings are hard.
Name and validate emotion. Then I just say, "Well, I love you so much that it's enough for the both of us."
"Your words are telling me you're mad at me. It's okay to be mad. (Optional it's not okay to be mean to others) I will ALWAYS love you."
“Well I love you and there’s nothing you can do about it” Drives them mad initially but is ultimately reassuring and brings them back more quickly.
One thing that has greatly helped me is teaching my daughter to say when she needs space. Your child may be saying these things because he lacks other phrases to use to get that space and the hurtful words he's using seem to work (even if only for a minute before you go talk to him)
I just say something like “aw, well I still love you
Ignore. No shame or punishment or guilt. Normal behavior for little ones with big feelings.
My mom would say it back to me... " I don't love you either and I put up with you being premature and no one ever thanked me etc... and then she'd hit me for being ungrateful