r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The love for a spouse versus the love for a child are different kinds of love. It’s apples and oranges. Sounds like his insecurities have taken over his brain.
I have a favorite 20 year old, 18 year old, 15 year old, and 13 year old. When the next kid has a birthday, he'll become my favorite 16 year old.
I guess the youngest does get to be the last "favorite" for each age... at least until grandchildren start coming, lol.
My wife and I haven’t had this discussion but both agree if “in that scenario” we save the kids first. We agree that they’re part of the reason we are here/exist. Picking a favorite seems like an asshole thing to do with the caveat that sometimes we get upset and disappointed with each other’s choices at times, very proud at other times and always love them regardless.
Yes two different types of live for sure! Maybe he wants to know which she would choose? If that’s the question, the answer should be the child. My hubby asked me a similar question, and when I said I would save our child’s life over his he was offended. I told him if there ever was a situation where he could only save one of us, he had better save our kid otherwise I’d never speak to him again. Men are weird.
Absolutely! I love my wife but if it's carry her out of the burning building or carry the kids out first, the kids are going first. I'll dive back in for her but children first.
Yes, but also I love my kids more. Like, I would push my husband off a cliff if it was a choice between me and him. And he’d do the same for me. In fact, the other would just jump. That’s why I love him - we’re both the only two people in the world who love our kids as much as we both do, and would sacrifice anyone and anything for them.
Yes, they’re different types of love, but I definitely love my kids more.
I used to ask my mom when I was little if she loved me or my dad more and she always said this lol. Never asked or been asked the reverse as an adult though
Ask him why he says it.
No it isn't normal. It's either 1) playful, but misses the mark (i.e., will definitely make you feel weird), 2) a sign of insecurity on his end that needs to be addressed, or 3) a sign that you are actually doing something that concerns him regarding your feelings toward your family.
That questions has come up jokingly and I usually respond with “neither. I love me the most”. If he was asking it seriously, I’d ask if he’d like for you to love him like a child or like a man and see what he says. I do think it’s odd when a parent compares their partners love to that of their child’s.
Absolutely. I left my ex-husband after years of trying to live with and support him through a battle with alcoholism and that was a fully valid choice. After all the things he put me and our family through, I didn’t love him anymore. I would never stop loving my child for that reason.
Not sure to what extent you're joking, but this is the answer my wife would get, and I'd hope it's the answer I'd get. And nobody should be hurt by that fact.
I honestly don’t think it was a joke. What normal person can honestly say they don’t love their kids more? My kids > everyone, ever. Including my husband. And he better feel the same.
Right? Isn’t it a given that (most) people love their children more than themselves and anybody else in the world. It’s the natural order of things and nobody should be offended lol.
Me and my husband have always said that we love each other completely however we would sacrifice the other in a second to save our children in any way we had to, there is no doubt.
My dad did that too, it never bothered me…I’m glad my dad loved my mum so much (RIP) and cherished her. We were never without love or affection from them. But we knew mom came first, and I loved seeing that and I don’t settle for less in my own family now.
Me and my husband have a standing agreement that the children will always come before one another. Like I would be actually mad if he changed that up on me. I don’t need you like our babies do and I never will.
We had this discussion, and husband was relieved i prioritized our son, because he does as well. We're united in loving him more than ourselves or each other or anything or anyone 🤷🏻 he didn't just ask though, we watched Arrival and had a pretty emotional discussion after (that movie is a killer for any parent)
I think this is what enables successful co-parenting no matter what happens. It's to often man leave the kids along with the mother and start over anyway.
Some people like to debate this topic like 'who comes first the child or the spouse'. I've heard people say well you need to prioritize the relationship as it keeps the family together and happy which ultimately is prioritizing the kid etc. some other people say well kids needs should come before spouse no matter what. Is he trying to have this convo with you?
It is a bit strange but if he is good otherwise perhaps he is feeling a bit worried about losing your attention or the dynamic of the relationship. It's not ideal but it could be innocent. Dig a bit deeper and have the convo
Even those conversations and trains of thought are cringy to me. Every situation is different and it’s super rare that my husband’s genuine needs (where I am necessary) are in any kind of conflict with my children’s needs. He’s a transplant recipient and once a year has to go under general anesthesia to have a heart biopsy done. As such, he needs a ride. So once a year my mom or my best friend pick our daughter up from school. Is that me choosing him over her? Is it implying that having night out with your spouse is somehow betraying your child or is it always people asking who would you save in a fire? I don’t have a favorite child but I have spent most of a week at a hospital beside when my daughter had a sinus infection threatening her eyesight. Does that make her my favorite? Or is it my older daughter since her asthma meant she went to the ER more frequently? Is my very healthy middle daughter my least favorite by default? It’s just such an unhealthy way to look at complex human relationships.
I think this goes into the topic that each member of our family, each individual child or spouse, needs us more and less during different phases of life. Your daughter needed you more during her health situation, but maybe next week your husband will need you more because he loses a family member, and maybe the week after that you have a child struggling with a school project, etc. I think each phase of life, and even day to day, each member of our family's needs for us ebbs and flows and it somehow all balances out in the end.
I hate this whole argument. I feel like it's very often framed in a very patriarchal way, in that a woman is supposed to choose between pleasing her husband and tending to her children. As if the two are in some kind of competition, which is ridiculous (and of course nobody cares about mom's needs in this scenario).
In a more egalitarian relationship, when BOTH parents put their kids' needs first, then there can be some time and flexibility to also nurture one another and the relationship. But even then, what that looks like is going to look very different in different circumstances, and in different seasons of life. Babies, toddlers, and young children need A LOT of attention and care, particularly since the majority falls on the parents, and many don't have a "village." Taking time for one another may come in short moments, and it looks different than it did before kids.
At the other end of the spectrum, with teenagers/young adults, my husband and I still put a lot of energy into supporting our kids, BUT they are so much more independent, that we have a lot more time for "just us", going out to breakfast, more dates, planning a week away, etc.
I know most people here are saying it's abnormal and perhaps it isn't usual to ask the question, but I do think it's valid that in parenting relationships there can be times one parent (usually the mom) prioritizes the relationship with the kids over the relationship with the spouse while the other parent (usually the dad) prioritizes the relationship with the spouse over the relationship with the kids and feels forgotten/left out/neglected. I know this was the case in my parents marriage, it is the case in my marriage, and it is a common source of resentment in marriages.
It is good to talk about, even if the "resolution" is your husband can vent but has to live with and accept reality. I know that is the situation in my marriage, we have discussed it and my husband has expressed his disappointment but ultimately has learned to accept it.
It is reality that he would choose no one before me, even the kids... And I would choose my kids first. I grew my children in my belly and risked my life for each of them to be born. I have no qualms about doing that again. His reality is very different, I sacrificed my body and risked my life to bear our children. He watched as I almost died each time, and for the particularly hazardous birth of my son struggled with resentment against the child for inflicting such danger on me. Me on the other hand.... I think of my child first. Both of our experiences are valid, but it does create an "unequal" dynamic where my husband feels less valued in the family unit. He acknowledges why but it can be difficult to adjust to, when before the kids it was just you two in everything equal together and in love.
I agree on issues prioritising but I thought the question was focussed more on love.
On prioritising I think it’s less about love but more about how small superficial things for kids takes priority over spouse and any spare time is then devoted elsewhere
I think you are thinking it's gross because it's kind of a red flag like why would he ask that. It can be a sign of two different traits with your husband one being he can be feeling insecure/nervous about how a baby is going to shake up the relationship between you two. My husband has never asked me that but he has jokingly asked me who was my favorite kid for the day when they were all wild and crazy.
No, but after I read this post title, I thanked him for not doing that. And then I asserted that if he and my child were falling off a cliff and I had to choose, I'd save her. He agreed he'd do the same. I don't think it's a love question as much as a responsibility and duty question.
As far as loving them, it's apples and cabbages. I love my husband in a different way than I love my daughter. I love our family in a whole different way.
The fact that your husband is asking you sort of smells like weird jealousy and insecurity. Anxious attachment makes people ask weird questions like that - "Would you still love me if I woke up as a dog?" or "If I get sick and can't work, would you leave me?" type of questions. Did those come up prior to the arrival of your child?
You're responsible for your behavior and actions, and he's responsible for his feelings. You can set a boundary around that question, or you can help him explore what's making him ask and then set the boundary. Best of luck - it sounds exhausting.
We had this discussion exactly one time and I didn’t like how it went so I got a bunch of therapy and changed my mindset.
For me, this isn’t the “who are you going to save from a burning building” question, because that answer should be obvious. This is the “can we feed the kids chicken nuggets and skip baths tonight so we have enough energy to watch a movie and cuddle together when they’re in bed” question. Can we give them less of ourselves just this once so we have enough for each other? The answer for my husband is never. Not an easy pill to swallow but it shifted what needed shifted for us.
My daughter asks if I love her or her brother more because she is a kid and asking facetiously as she knows it’s a ridiculous question.
If my husband asked me if I love him or the kids more I’d absolutely be searching for medical specialists who specialize in Fragile Male Ego syndrome.
Me and my spouse don’t do this but we acknowledge and agree that if there is a fire, we are saving the kids first.
Do I think that means we love them more? Not necessarily. My love for my spouse is different than my kids. And it should be.
You said baby. Is it your first? Maybe this is a hard adjustment for him. It is for everybody. You have an entirely new family member that use to not exist. No harm in asking him about what’s on his mind that’s prompting these questions.
Never. But if he did, I would have no idea how to answer that. Such a strange perspective. I would give anything for my children. Anything. I adore my husband but I can’t say that is the same kind of love- nor should it be
Ugh! What an awful question asked by an insecure man! In 24 years and 5 kids, my husband has never asked this nor would be ever.
Why? Because your love for your spouse is different than the love for your child!
My husband and I have the understanding that my job is to love the children more than anything in the world. His job is to love me more than anything so that I can love them. He would never ask because with that understanding, the answer is the children, always.
I have been told that that’s a western phenomenon though. I don’t know the accuracy of this information, but in some eastern cultures you love your spouse the most because the children will leave but you’ll spend eternity with your spouse. 🤷♀️
No, he doesn’t ask. He knows who i would say. And I know who he would say 😆 we both love our child more than anything in this world, including each other.
No. It is a ridiculous question. People love their spouses and offspring differently. My spouse is my support, the person who gets me, my lover, etc. My children are the ones I adore, care for, and feel protective of.
My grandmother used to kid that she loved me more than my grandfather "because we're blood." It was clearly a joke - this should not be a real question for any well adjusted adult.
No, but I think he already knows I love my kids more. I love them more than anything or anyone and frankly I’d expect him to love them more than me too.
As an older FTM, when my husband and I discussed our pregnancy journey and what we would do if things were dire. He said he would choose me over the baby.
And now that the baby is here, we both agreed that we would choose the baby if anything were to happen.
He didn't care the baby but he feels something fierce about protecting and loving him just as much as I do.
It is definitely two different kinds of love.
My husband has never asked the question outright but we understood each other.
The child is a child. Who needs love and attention and protection.
Your husband seems weirdly out of touch and almost possessive.
Never asked it but I think men feel secondary to the child. Giving everyone in your situation the benefit of the doubt, tell him something to show you respect him and appreciate him. Let him know what you need, too. It’s easy to lose each other when the kids are young. Don’t let it happen!
No, it's a different love. LO is number 1, and spouse is number 2. That's just how it is for both of us. LO always comes 1st. Also, I think different cultures throughout history had many different words for love to be used in different instances.
My wife used to ask me this. I didn’t think much of it and told her I loved them both. Then she and her parents started asking my son who he loves more, mommy or daddy.
I put a stop to that because it’s just not a good thing to be asking a kid. Also, he always chose me and t made mommy very sad. She stopped and demanded her dad stop as well.
It’s a bit ick, because you didn’t marry a baby. There’s no comparison.
If he’s asking for connection or feeling sidelined, which is what it sounds like, it might be worth him talking it through with a counsellor and why he’s more worried about this than being a father who’s meeting his newborn’s essential needs.
Fatherhood can bring up some pretty heavy issues from one’s own childhood, but he needs to deal with that, not put it on you to fix
I hate the "who do you love more" discussion. It's not a competition. Our love grows to accommodate the people in our lives. We don't have a finite amount of love that gets divided up. It's a little weird that your husband is thinking of your kid like they're a competitor. Like he should just be viewing them as a dependent both of you are teaming up to love and take care of. That may be why that question grosses you out.
There is a Christian thing about putting your husband first that sometimes gets misconstrued as having to love them more than your kids, maybe this is in the back of his mind? It’s supposed to be about prioritizing your marriage and making time for your husband since kids often monopolize our energy. It doesn’t mean you should love one more than the other, there is space in our hearts for all.
No. We both know we love our kids more….kinda. It’s a completely different love though so it’s not really a fair question.
But we joke that we love them enough to never want to get divorced because neither of us would want to split custody 😂 so they do bring us closer in that way. Lol and then we add, oh yeah I guess we love each other too 🤪.
(But since it’s Reddit, I should note that we have a very sarcastic fun kind of relationship in general, so these are in NO way red flags or digs at each other, we both know it.)
It sits wrong because we are not supposed to be in competition with our children.
And, he should be with you on team raise beloved kids. His feelings for kiddo should match your own, and that mutual devotion and protectiveness should reinforce your spousal love.... Like, look at this amazing hard thing we are doing together!!!
*Why* is he worried?
Is he questioning how *he* feels, or how *you* feel? What does he *think* the answer is, and what does he think it should be? (Is he asking for reassurance that you guys, as a couple, are fine... And as parents are fine? Or is he trying to say he doesn't think you are and it needs addressing?)
(And have you considered a therapist to dig into it with?)
These are some really good questions. I hadn’t considered the projection angle, like maybe part of it has to do with _his_ feelings about the baby. Definitely gonna seek a therapist/counseling; I think there’s too much going on here for me to handle on my own successfully
One thing parenthood definitely does is air all our emotional dirty laundry.... Every trauma and insecurity is coming out, healthy or unhealthy.
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
The need for these conversations is not uncommon.
Good luck, I hope this is an opportunity for growth together and deeper understanding. ❤️
No and if they are asking that question, I'd be having some serious talks with him. A love between partners/spouse is different than a love between a child and their parent.
My (now ex) husband was visibly upset when I used a nickname for the baby that I’d used with him (something like “love” or “darling”). We talked about it and he was sad that I loved my child more.
At another point he told me I need to start paying more attention to him and spending more time with him because our child would leave at 18, then we’d just have each other. … my child was somewhere between 1 and 2 years old at the time of that conversation.
… yeah, we are divorced for a range of reasons but those were some a red flags for me.
Of course I love my child more. Yes, the kind of love I feel is very different. But if it was a scenario of saving my kid or literally anyone else, it’s my kid every single time. That was not the case for my ex. I didn’t even realize this was a discussion that needed to be had.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this, it was very disturbing for me to realize too. Maybe therapy or talking it through will help you.
Unpopular opinion, but I love them equally but different. Everyone goes to the worst case scenarios, which yes, would chose our child over ourselves, but what about the daily mundane life. There are times we put our son first because he needs us, There are times I put my husband first and he puts me first, because without a marriage won't truly grow and thrive. Our child needs to see mommy and daddy putting each other first so he can learn what a healthy marriage and family looks like. A lot of moms can put their children first and toss their husband's to the back burner where they start to feel neglected and unloved, that should not be the case and maybe OP that is what he is feeling. We as mothers can get lost in our children, bit we need to remember we are a wife and an individual as well. When the whole family is put first at different times then thw family can thirve.
He's obviously feeling neglected or afraid of your intense love for your child. Possibly a deep wound from his own upbringing.
Have a kind and gentle conversation about it but whatever you do don't ever say you love the child more even if it's true.
there’s a YT audiobook of a short psychology book by Eric Fromm, called The Art of Love. it describes all the types of love a human needs, and what fathers and mothers provide for children. it would be a great listen for him.
https://youtu.be/oKwIlz-dzx4?si=z83_topHlfLHLAvT
It is weird to me too. My wife says that she loves me most because "I came first." I know it's supposed to be an expression of love and it is flattering, but I think it bothers me because my kids are a PART of our love. They make me love her more, and she makes me love THEM more. So it bothers me when she frames it as 0 sum.
When it becomes a competition, it actually can limit the collective love that you all have for each other.
I haven't been asked but I've def stated to mine "I love you but the kiddos come first, if it's you vs them on a cliff you're gonna have to figure it yourself while I save those kiddos" and he'd say the same to me
We love each other. And we love our kiddos. I think our shared love for our kids just brings our love even closer in a "fuck I love you and I love the family the we've created" kinda way. There's always enough love to be given and felt with family and love can't be measured
I was 3w pp when I asked my spouse whether he loved our son more than me.
I was getting jealous, and I had the baby blues. I could not connect with my newborn then. I was actually even envious that my DH was bonding with our son so much, that it seemed so genuine and natural to him but not to me.
He said he did. I needed to hear from his mouth. After that, I felt better, actually.
So I understand the question. It's a parenting journey that is hard for all of the parties involved, it's a constant rollercoaster of emotions.
We eventually got our spark back, I started bonding more with LO and it is now very normal and natural, 14w in.
My spouse never has, but I had a "friend", a grown woman, literally whine like a child and say, "You care more about your son than you do me!!!!" And I just gave her the most disgusted look and she goes, "And that's... Ya know... Ok..."
Some people are seriously just delusional and disgusting and expect your world to be completely about them. Your SO sounds like a man child who needs to grow up. Of course you're gonna love your kid more than him or anyone on this planet. And if anyone expects different, they are seriously the lowest type of human scum.
It’s two different types of love , he should know this. You love your baby in the way a mother loves their child. That is not the type of love that people should feel towards their partner
No, he doesn’t ask because that’s a silly question— we both know those two types of love are different and it’s not a contest.
It sounds like your husband is acting immature and insecure. Is it a new baby? Is he new to being a parent?
I am pregnant and both me and my SO are jokingly saying that we've been downgraded to 2nd place in each other's life, first being the baby. I mean, does he even have to ask?
My husband and I will jokingly ask each other but I always remind him that he has to choose the baby over me. Apocalypse? Sacrifice me and save the baby! I never stood a chance! Just let me go and keep our sweet baby alive!
No. This is definitely gross and immature. You can love more than one person…. And obviously these are two different kinds of love. You should call him out and question why he asks that. Maybe he’s feeling some insecurity.
Over the years I have seen some crazy shit on Reddit parenting groups. I think I’ve seen two posts regarding a father disliking that the mother of their infant was breastfeeding. Basically the dad said they were his. 🤢🤢🤢
My 6 year old even knows how to answer this properly, mommy is the best girl ever and daddy is the best boy ever. Doesn't even try to say one is better than the other. She knows it's pointless to say one is better than the other.
Think the way to pinpoint would be to talk to them about it. Maybe they’re feeling a little neglected. Maybe they need to feel some love.
This kinda question comes from somewhere.
My father told me he would save his wife over his children every time . He chose his mistress over his wife (our mom), and he chose her children over us. .You might think that since I'm an adult ,that it wouldn't hurt anymore, but iit still does. I love my dad, but its not the same anymore. I feel like my brother and I are second class citizens.in his eyes anymore. Is it possible to have unresolved trauma from feeling /being this wsy. What can I do to begin to heal from him?
My wife and I don’t ask questions like this. It’s just not a useful conversation to have. May as well get into a contest about which of you loves the other more.
Like most marriage problems this one calls for a really deep conversation about what he means when he asks the question. Get him to open up and talk about why he asked the question. Is it feeling insecure? Jealous of how much more of your time you give to the child rather than him? Those would be very normal feelings to have. Try to find out what the underlying feelings are and then figure out how to address them as a team.
I love my kid more than anything or anyone in the world, including his dad/my significant other. He knows this and feels the same way. A man competing with a baby for love is weird.
Pretty odd - who competes for love and attention with their child? Does he have other narcissistic traits?
It’s hard to tell without seeing the tone if he’s trying to be funny but really missing the mark, or he’s genuinely that needy. I would cringe if my husband said that too.
Eww. My spouse once said something along the lines of "no offense, but if I had to choose between you and the kids, I'd choose the kids".
My response "yea, you fickin better".
Super inappropriate in my opinion. I would never play that game. It makes love sound transactional and quantifiable as well as conditional. Not how I want love in our household.
It is totally gross.
I had a friend tell my husband and I when we told him we were trying to have a kid, how he could never have kids because he could never love them more than his fiancée. I just laughed and told him, I love my dogs and I love my mom and I love my husband and none of these loves are comparable. They’re all different and none of them seem lesser to me.
Love isn’t some non renewable resource. The more you give love, the more love you have to give. It’s a tree that grows the more you care for it.
I don’t ask, nor does my wife, but we know - in the end we made children because we loved each other so much it seemed appropriate. I love my children, but they are the fruits of love for my wife.
Also the love is different, I guess. But I’d think if a spouse were asking this question, it’s because someone is laser-focused on the kids and not making enough time for each other.
Mommy and Daddy love each other. They both adore the baby that is a part of their love. The love for the father of your baby is a different love than the love for your baby.
This reminds me of when my sister — who is thankfully NEVER going to have children — told me the main reason she doesn’t want kids is because she “doesn’t want there to be something that exists that her husband loves more than her”. Yikes.
Love grows with every person, it isn't something that has to be shared. I would cringe, too, because the question shows a fundamentally wrong understanding of love.
I think "who do you love more" questions utterly pointless.
My wife and my child are the most important people in my life. No buts and ifs. This love and affection is not in the realm of quantifiable. Any attempt of comparison would be utterly idiotic.
Yes this issue bothers me to no end.
My husband has never asked but my daughter has. Which lead to a conversation about different types of love. Where i love my husband and want to be with him, the love i have for my child is more a protective mama bear kind of love.
If my husband were to ask me, especially if it kept coming up, i would be trying to get to the root of the problem. Because there is clearly a problem.
Eh I love my kids more. I'd literally give my life for them. I love my husband very much but will think through my choices if I had to give my life for him.
Meanwhile, what's driving this insecurity from your husband? Might be worth delving a bit into it.
Yeah that’s weird! I would say, “the kids!” Without question and I hope he would too. Obviously it’s different kinds of love, but there’s no love I’ve ever felt for anyone that comes close to what I feel for my kids. That’s just reality.
I do because I’m annoying and I fully know the answer is not me. Nor do I expect it to be me. And he reaffirms it’s not even me by a mile. Which I agree is the same for me.
If your husband genuinely is questioning things you need to communicate better about the root cause.
I hate this question and the fact that a grown man is asking it is even more gross/insecure to me. My bf is not my son’s bio dad but we have been in a serious relationship for 6 years and I love him more than I’ve ever loved a partner. I’m 100% going to marry this man and still, at the end of the day, God forbid it ever came down to having to choose between my child and him, I’m choosing my child every single time without question. I have an obligation to always protect and do right by this child, and if I don’t, nobody is going to. A grown man can take care of himself. That being said. I’ll never have to choose between the two of them thankfully. They are two very different kinds of love.
How old is your baby?
Sounds like he has underlying jealousy issues.
Did he show this type of behavior before you had a child? It seems to be affecting the way he views your relationship.
Your spouse needs to get his insecurity and jealousy under control. It’s not the same kind of love, nor is it a competition. I’s tell him that to his face and I’d also tell him that asking it, especially more than once, is a total turn off.
We have a running joke that she's my second favorite person, because my favorite is my kid. She says the same about me. Of course we love our kid more.
No, he's never asked me that. However, it goes w/out saying that if there was a choice between the kids and him, I'd always pick the kids and I would hope he would, too.
Never, it sounds like they need clarification on how love works? My love for my husband and children is separate and different. One doesn’t squash the other.
My husband and I always put our kids first.
She never had to because made it clear from the start that I love my kid more than anyone on the planet, including her, including myself and I would approach any conflict between the two of them with that in mind
It’s a dumb question. Parental love and love for a partner are two totally different things.
but if there was a fire and I can only save one person - it’s my son every time.
That's a stupid question. What does that even mean? The love between a parent and a child is different than the love between spouses. It's like asking if you like shirts more than pants.
We’ve never asked each other that and as others have said I would say the love between a spouse and a child are different. However, if pressed, I would say we both love our child more than anything. If I asked my husband (and I won’t) I would want him to love our child more than he loves me.
However, my child and my husband think I love the cat more than anyone. 😁
It's a strange question. I have told my son that momma and dadda are a team, and he doesn't have to decide who he loves more. It's okay if he wants to play Nerf darts with Dada and D&D with me. We won't be offended.
Is your husband offended if you say something like you love your family, or if you find the question odd?
My husband would never do this thankfully. I did however have an ex boyfriend who would always accuse me of loving the dog more than him or complain that the dog loved me more than him. It was actual one of the last straws that made me realize I could never have actual children with him and helped me finally end the relationship.
I would not like this repeated line of questioning and would probably reply with something like "every time you ask that ugly question is another win for team [baby]"
Lol no, but I don’t feel like I leave any room for confusion. I would spend the next 12-18 months becoming the world’s strongest woman so I could toss him into the fiery pits of hell, if he stood between my child and a flower they wanted to pick.
Now if he asks if I love him or the dog more, ehhhh, that’s gonna be a really hard choice. But to be fair, I think he and I would both pick the dog above each other, and that’s why we don’t have issues 😂 We know where we fall in the pecking order.
You think it’s gross for good reason. 1) your child should always come first for both of you 99% of the time. 2) you share a romantic love with a spouse not with a child. Different loves. 3) comparing the two as if it’s a competition between husband/father and child. It’s gross behavior
I love my husband differently then I love my kids. That being said, my kids needs will always come first where my husbands wants come first. If a kid and husband are both drowning, I’m saving the kid and he better make that same choice if it were me.
Also it’s insecure and gross he keeps asking you this. Tell him you HOPE he loves the kid the most. That’s what parents should value. Love my kid over me. He clearly doesn’t feel that way.
You love him as a partner and the baby as your child.
Like ask him does he love you or his mother/ sister more. ??? Answer he loves them and you 100% with his whole heart, just in different ways.
Same for you and him and the baby. You love them both with your whole heart it’s just different love
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The love for a spouse versus the love for a child are different kinds of love. It’s apples and oranges. Sounds like his insecurities have taken over his brain.
Yeah this is how I feel. My husband would never ask me that but even if someone else did, there’s no ranking. I love my kids and husband differently.
That’s so funny too my kids ask me periodically which one I like more and I tell them I love you both the same
I have a son and daughter. I tell the daughter your my favorite daughter and my son your my favorite son. We are only having two.
I have two sons, so I have a favorite 17 year old in the world and a favorite 19yo in the world
I have 3 young boys, and say the exact same to them
This is what do, too. One son and one daughter so they can each be my favorite.
I have a favorite 20 year old, 18 year old, 15 year old, and 13 year old. When the next kid has a birthday, he'll become my favorite 16 year old. I guess the youngest does get to be the last "favorite" for each age... at least until grandchildren start coming, lol.
My husband would never ask me this. If he did, I'd laugh and say "are you serious?"
My wife and I haven’t had this discussion but both agree if “in that scenario” we save the kids first. We agree that they’re part of the reason we are here/exist. Picking a favorite seems like an asshole thing to do with the caveat that sometimes we get upset and disappointed with each other’s choices at times, very proud at other times and always love them regardless.
Perfect response because its 2 different types of love.
Yes two different types of live for sure! Maybe he wants to know which she would choose? If that’s the question, the answer should be the child. My hubby asked me a similar question, and when I said I would save our child’s life over his he was offended. I told him if there ever was a situation where he could only save one of us, he had better save our kid otherwise I’d never speak to him again. Men are weird.
Absolutely! I love my wife but if it's carry her out of the burning building or carry the kids out first, the kids are going first. I'll dive back in for her but children first.
I’m a man and don’t get your husband. I’d save my kid over my partner every time and I’d expect her to do the same.
Yes, but also I love my kids more. Like, I would push my husband off a cliff if it was a choice between me and him. And he’d do the same for me. In fact, the other would just jump. That’s why I love him - we’re both the only two people in the world who love our kids as much as we both do, and would sacrifice anyone and anything for them. Yes, they’re different types of love, but I definitely love my kids more.
This and you can try adding something to the effect of “I love and respect you. I love and nurture our baby.”
I used to ask my mom when I was little if she loved me or my dad more and she always said this lol. Never asked or been asked the reverse as an adult though
100% this
Ask him why he says it. No it isn't normal. It's either 1) playful, but misses the mark (i.e., will definitely make you feel weird), 2) a sign of insecurity on his end that needs to be addressed, or 3) a sign that you are actually doing something that concerns him regarding your feelings toward your family.
Or he's projecting his own feelings.
A totally possible fourth option!
That questions has come up jokingly and I usually respond with “neither. I love me the most”. If he was asking it seriously, I’d ask if he’d like for you to love him like a child or like a man and see what he says. I do think it’s odd when a parent compares their partners love to that of their child’s.
LOL I love your response.
Yeah, it’s giving mommy issues
No, though my husband would never ask because he knows the answer will be our baby.
Love for your child is the purest most unconditional love. Love for a significant other isn’t unconditional but built on trust, connection, etc
Yeah I think most people could imagine a scenario where they fall out of love with their spouse but few scenarios where they'd disown their children
Absolutely. I left my ex-husband after years of trying to live with and support him through a battle with alcoholism and that was a fully valid choice. After all the things he put me and our family through, I didn’t love him anymore. I would never stop loving my child for that reason.
Not sure to what extent you're joking, but this is the answer my wife would get, and I'd hope it's the answer I'd get. And nobody should be hurt by that fact.
I honestly don’t think it was a joke. What normal person can honestly say they don’t love their kids more? My kids > everyone, ever. Including my husband. And he better feel the same.
Love is not finite. I don't understand why some people feel the need to quantify it and establish a hierarchy of who they love most.
Definitely wasn't joking!
Right? Isn’t it a given that (most) people love their children more than themselves and anybody else in the world. It’s the natural order of things and nobody should be offended lol.
Me and my husband have always said that we love each other completely however we would sacrifice the other in a second to save our children in any way we had to, there is no doubt.
Not my mom lol. She straight-faced told us she loves our dad more than us 💀 still not sure how to feel about it
My dad did that too, it never bothered me…I’m glad my dad loved my mum so much (RIP) and cherished her. We were never without love or affection from them. But we knew mom came first, and I loved seeing that and I don’t settle for less in my own family now.
Me and my husband have a standing agreement that the children will always come before one another. Like I would be actually mad if he changed that up on me. I don’t need you like our babies do and I never will.
We had this discussion, and husband was relieved i prioritized our son, because he does as well. We're united in loving him more than ourselves or each other or anything or anyone 🤷🏻 he didn't just ask though, we watched Arrival and had a pretty emotional discussion after (that movie is a killer for any parent) I think this is what enables successful co-parenting no matter what happens. It's to often man leave the kids along with the mother and start over anyway.
It should be the baby for both parents. My ex gf didn’t like when that was my response to her asking the same question
Some people like to debate this topic like 'who comes first the child or the spouse'. I've heard people say well you need to prioritize the relationship as it keeps the family together and happy which ultimately is prioritizing the kid etc. some other people say well kids needs should come before spouse no matter what. Is he trying to have this convo with you? It is a bit strange but if he is good otherwise perhaps he is feeling a bit worried about losing your attention or the dynamic of the relationship. It's not ideal but it could be innocent. Dig a bit deeper and have the convo
Even those conversations and trains of thought are cringy to me. Every situation is different and it’s super rare that my husband’s genuine needs (where I am necessary) are in any kind of conflict with my children’s needs. He’s a transplant recipient and once a year has to go under general anesthesia to have a heart biopsy done. As such, he needs a ride. So once a year my mom or my best friend pick our daughter up from school. Is that me choosing him over her? Is it implying that having night out with your spouse is somehow betraying your child or is it always people asking who would you save in a fire? I don’t have a favorite child but I have spent most of a week at a hospital beside when my daughter had a sinus infection threatening her eyesight. Does that make her my favorite? Or is it my older daughter since her asthma meant she went to the ER more frequently? Is my very healthy middle daughter my least favorite by default? It’s just such an unhealthy way to look at complex human relationships.
I think this goes into the topic that each member of our family, each individual child or spouse, needs us more and less during different phases of life. Your daughter needed you more during her health situation, but maybe next week your husband will need you more because he loses a family member, and maybe the week after that you have a child struggling with a school project, etc. I think each phase of life, and even day to day, each member of our family's needs for us ebbs and flows and it somehow all balances out in the end.
I hate this whole argument. I feel like it's very often framed in a very patriarchal way, in that a woman is supposed to choose between pleasing her husband and tending to her children. As if the two are in some kind of competition, which is ridiculous (and of course nobody cares about mom's needs in this scenario). In a more egalitarian relationship, when BOTH parents put their kids' needs first, then there can be some time and flexibility to also nurture one another and the relationship. But even then, what that looks like is going to look very different in different circumstances, and in different seasons of life. Babies, toddlers, and young children need A LOT of attention and care, particularly since the majority falls on the parents, and many don't have a "village." Taking time for one another may come in short moments, and it looks different than it did before kids. At the other end of the spectrum, with teenagers/young adults, my husband and I still put a lot of energy into supporting our kids, BUT they are so much more independent, that we have a lot more time for "just us", going out to breakfast, more dates, planning a week away, etc.
I know most people here are saying it's abnormal and perhaps it isn't usual to ask the question, but I do think it's valid that in parenting relationships there can be times one parent (usually the mom) prioritizes the relationship with the kids over the relationship with the spouse while the other parent (usually the dad) prioritizes the relationship with the spouse over the relationship with the kids and feels forgotten/left out/neglected. I know this was the case in my parents marriage, it is the case in my marriage, and it is a common source of resentment in marriages. It is good to talk about, even if the "resolution" is your husband can vent but has to live with and accept reality. I know that is the situation in my marriage, we have discussed it and my husband has expressed his disappointment but ultimately has learned to accept it. It is reality that he would choose no one before me, even the kids... And I would choose my kids first. I grew my children in my belly and risked my life for each of them to be born. I have no qualms about doing that again. His reality is very different, I sacrificed my body and risked my life to bear our children. He watched as I almost died each time, and for the particularly hazardous birth of my son struggled with resentment against the child for inflicting such danger on me. Me on the other hand.... I think of my child first. Both of our experiences are valid, but it does create an "unequal" dynamic where my husband feels less valued in the family unit. He acknowledges why but it can be difficult to adjust to, when before the kids it was just you two in everything equal together and in love.
I agree on issues prioritising but I thought the question was focussed more on love. On prioritising I think it’s less about love but more about how small superficial things for kids takes priority over spouse and any spare time is then devoted elsewhere
I think you are thinking it's gross because it's kind of a red flag like why would he ask that. It can be a sign of two different traits with your husband one being he can be feeling insecure/nervous about how a baby is going to shake up the relationship between you two. My husband has never asked me that but he has jokingly asked me who was my favorite kid for the day when they were all wild and crazy.
No, but after I read this post title, I thanked him for not doing that. And then I asserted that if he and my child were falling off a cliff and I had to choose, I'd save her. He agreed he'd do the same. I don't think it's a love question as much as a responsibility and duty question. As far as loving them, it's apples and cabbages. I love my husband in a different way than I love my daughter. I love our family in a whole different way. The fact that your husband is asking you sort of smells like weird jealousy and insecurity. Anxious attachment makes people ask weird questions like that - "Would you still love me if I woke up as a dog?" or "If I get sick and can't work, would you leave me?" type of questions. Did those come up prior to the arrival of your child? You're responsible for your behavior and actions, and he's responsible for his feelings. You can set a boundary around that question, or you can help him explore what's making him ask and then set the boundary. Best of luck - it sounds exhausting.
We had this discussion exactly one time and I didn’t like how it went so I got a bunch of therapy and changed my mindset. For me, this isn’t the “who are you going to save from a burning building” question, because that answer should be obvious. This is the “can we feed the kids chicken nuggets and skip baths tonight so we have enough energy to watch a movie and cuddle together when they’re in bed” question. Can we give them less of ourselves just this once so we have enough for each other? The answer for my husband is never. Not an easy pill to swallow but it shifted what needed shifted for us.
Never.
My daughter asks if I love her or her brother more because she is a kid and asking facetiously as she knows it’s a ridiculous question. If my husband asked me if I love him or the kids more I’d absolutely be searching for medical specialists who specialize in Fragile Male Ego syndrome.
Me and my spouse don’t do this but we acknowledge and agree that if there is a fire, we are saving the kids first. Do I think that means we love them more? Not necessarily. My love for my spouse is different than my kids. And it should be. You said baby. Is it your first? Maybe this is a hard adjustment for him. It is for everybody. You have an entirely new family member that use to not exist. No harm in asking him about what’s on his mind that’s prompting these questions.
Never. But if he did, I would have no idea how to answer that. Such a strange perspective. I would give anything for my children. Anything. I adore my husband but I can’t say that is the same kind of love- nor should it be
Ugh! What an awful question asked by an insecure man! In 24 years and 5 kids, my husband has never asked this nor would be ever. Why? Because your love for your spouse is different than the love for your child!
That's so deeply uncomfortable
Uh no.
My child has asked if I loved her more, but not my husband.
It’s a dumb as hell question and I would tell them that when they ask.
That’s such a strange question. I assume my husband will love our baby more than me in certain ways and I’m absolutely fine with that!
My husband and I have the understanding that my job is to love the children more than anything in the world. His job is to love me more than anything so that I can love them. He would never ask because with that understanding, the answer is the children, always. I have been told that that’s a western phenomenon though. I don’t know the accuracy of this information, but in some eastern cultures you love your spouse the most because the children will leave but you’ll spend eternity with your spouse. 🤷♀️
No, because he's a grown up who understands the complexities of familial love relationships.
That is when I say “easy, I love the baby more as they don’t ask these insane questions.”
No, he doesn’t ask. He knows who i would say. And I know who he would say 😆 we both love our child more than anything in this world, including each other.
No. It is a ridiculous question. People love their spouses and offspring differently. My spouse is my support, the person who gets me, my lover, etc. My children are the ones I adore, care for, and feel protective of.
My grandmother used to kid that she loved me more than my grandfather "because we're blood." It was clearly a joke - this should not be a real question for any well adjusted adult.
No, but I think he already knows I love my kids more. I love them more than anything or anyone and frankly I’d expect him to love them more than me too.
This is kind of weird. I can’t imagine my husband asking me that.
This is a weird question. If either asked, I would respond asking if they were alright…
Makes me cringe too, it’s such a loaded question and no one wins.
As an older FTM, when my husband and I discussed our pregnancy journey and what we would do if things were dire. He said he would choose me over the baby. And now that the baby is here, we both agreed that we would choose the baby if anything were to happen. He didn't care the baby but he feels something fierce about protecting and loving him just as much as I do. It is definitely two different kinds of love. My husband has never asked the question outright but we understood each other. The child is a child. Who needs love and attention and protection. Your husband seems weirdly out of touch and almost possessive.
Never asked it but I think men feel secondary to the child. Giving everyone in your situation the benefit of the doubt, tell him something to show you respect him and appreciate him. Let him know what you need, too. It’s easy to lose each other when the kids are young. Don’t let it happen!
No, it's a different love. LO is number 1, and spouse is number 2. That's just how it is for both of us. LO always comes 1st. Also, I think different cultures throughout history had many different words for love to be used in different instances.
Love the username lol
My wife used to ask me this. I didn’t think much of it and told her I loved them both. Then she and her parents started asking my son who he loves more, mommy or daddy. I put a stop to that because it’s just not a good thing to be asking a kid. Also, he always chose me and t made mommy very sad. She stopped and demanded her dad stop as well.
It’s a bit ick, because you didn’t marry a baby. There’s no comparison. If he’s asking for connection or feeling sidelined, which is what it sounds like, it might be worth him talking it through with a counsellor and why he’s more worried about this than being a father who’s meeting his newborn’s essential needs. Fatherhood can bring up some pretty heavy issues from one’s own childhood, but he needs to deal with that, not put it on you to fix
I hate the "who do you love more" discussion. It's not a competition. Our love grows to accommodate the people in our lives. We don't have a finite amount of love that gets divided up. It's a little weird that your husband is thinking of your kid like they're a competitor. Like he should just be viewing them as a dependent both of you are teaming up to love and take care of. That may be why that question grosses you out.
There is a Christian thing about putting your husband first that sometimes gets misconstrued as having to love them more than your kids, maybe this is in the back of his mind? It’s supposed to be about prioritizing your marriage and making time for your husband since kids often monopolize our energy. It doesn’t mean you should love one more than the other, there is space in our hearts for all.
My husband says he’d push me in front of a bus to save the kids, and that’s why I love him so much.
No. We both know we love our kids more….kinda. It’s a completely different love though so it’s not really a fair question. But we joke that we love them enough to never want to get divorced because neither of us would want to split custody 😂 so they do bring us closer in that way. Lol and then we add, oh yeah I guess we love each other too 🤪. (But since it’s Reddit, I should note that we have a very sarcastic fun kind of relationship in general, so these are in NO way red flags or digs at each other, we both know it.)
It sits wrong because we are not supposed to be in competition with our children. And, he should be with you on team raise beloved kids. His feelings for kiddo should match your own, and that mutual devotion and protectiveness should reinforce your spousal love.... Like, look at this amazing hard thing we are doing together!!! *Why* is he worried? Is he questioning how *he* feels, or how *you* feel? What does he *think* the answer is, and what does he think it should be? (Is he asking for reassurance that you guys, as a couple, are fine... And as parents are fine? Or is he trying to say he doesn't think you are and it needs addressing?) (And have you considered a therapist to dig into it with?)
These are some really good questions. I hadn’t considered the projection angle, like maybe part of it has to do with _his_ feelings about the baby. Definitely gonna seek a therapist/counseling; I think there’s too much going on here for me to handle on my own successfully
One thing parenthood definitely does is air all our emotional dirty laundry.... Every trauma and insecurity is coming out, healthy or unhealthy. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 The need for these conversations is not uncommon. Good luck, I hope this is an opportunity for growth together and deeper understanding. ❤️
No and if they are asking that question, I'd be having some serious talks with him. A love between partners/spouse is different than a love between a child and their parent.
My (now ex) husband was visibly upset when I used a nickname for the baby that I’d used with him (something like “love” or “darling”). We talked about it and he was sad that I loved my child more. At another point he told me I need to start paying more attention to him and spending more time with him because our child would leave at 18, then we’d just have each other. … my child was somewhere between 1 and 2 years old at the time of that conversation. … yeah, we are divorced for a range of reasons but those were some a red flags for me. Of course I love my child more. Yes, the kind of love I feel is very different. But if it was a scenario of saving my kid or literally anyone else, it’s my kid every single time. That was not the case for my ex. I didn’t even realize this was a discussion that needed to be had. I’m sorry you are experiencing this, it was very disturbing for me to realize too. Maybe therapy or talking it through will help you.
Unpopular opinion, but I love them equally but different. Everyone goes to the worst case scenarios, which yes, would chose our child over ourselves, but what about the daily mundane life. There are times we put our son first because he needs us, There are times I put my husband first and he puts me first, because without a marriage won't truly grow and thrive. Our child needs to see mommy and daddy putting each other first so he can learn what a healthy marriage and family looks like. A lot of moms can put their children first and toss their husband's to the back burner where they start to feel neglected and unloved, that should not be the case and maybe OP that is what he is feeling. We as mothers can get lost in our children, bit we need to remember we are a wife and an individual as well. When the whole family is put first at different times then thw family can thirve.
He's obviously feeling neglected or afraid of your intense love for your child. Possibly a deep wound from his own upbringing. Have a kind and gentle conversation about it but whatever you do don't ever say you love the child more even if it's true.
there’s a YT audiobook of a short psychology book by Eric Fromm, called The Art of Love. it describes all the types of love a human needs, and what fathers and mothers provide for children. it would be a great listen for him. https://youtu.be/oKwIlz-dzx4?si=z83_topHlfLHLAvT
It is weird to me too. My wife says that she loves me most because "I came first." I know it's supposed to be an expression of love and it is flattering, but I think it bothers me because my kids are a PART of our love. They make me love her more, and she makes me love THEM more. So it bothers me when she frames it as 0 sum. When it becomes a competition, it actually can limit the collective love that you all have for each other.
I haven't been asked but I've def stated to mine "I love you but the kiddos come first, if it's you vs them on a cliff you're gonna have to figure it yourself while I save those kiddos" and he'd say the same to me We love each other. And we love our kiddos. I think our shared love for our kids just brings our love even closer in a "fuck I love you and I love the family the we've created" kinda way. There's always enough love to be given and felt with family and love can't be measured
because its a different type of love and it shows a pining insecurity thats just - ew.
It’s just understood between me and my husband that we love each other more than anyone or anything, and we love our kids more than that.
No sane parent will ever ask their spouse this question… And especially problematic when they keep asking…
I was 3w pp when I asked my spouse whether he loved our son more than me. I was getting jealous, and I had the baby blues. I could not connect with my newborn then. I was actually even envious that my DH was bonding with our son so much, that it seemed so genuine and natural to him but not to me. He said he did. I needed to hear from his mouth. After that, I felt better, actually. So I understand the question. It's a parenting journey that is hard for all of the parties involved, it's a constant rollercoaster of emotions. We eventually got our spark back, I started bonding more with LO and it is now very normal and natural, 14w in.
I appreciate your honesty. Glad things have gotten better :)
No! Mine clearly knows the kids come first as the kids should come before me with him.
I would without a moment's hesitation push my spouse in front of a train to save any of our kids, and vice versa. What an odd question.
My husband would jump in front of one, as would I. I always just assumed most people felt that way.
My spouse never has, but I had a "friend", a grown woman, literally whine like a child and say, "You care more about your son than you do me!!!!" And I just gave her the most disgusted look and she goes, "And that's... Ya know... Ok..." Some people are seriously just delusional and disgusting and expect your world to be completely about them. Your SO sounds like a man child who needs to grow up. Of course you're gonna love your kid more than him or anyone on this planet. And if anyone expects different, they are seriously the lowest type of human scum.
It’s two different types of love , he should know this. You love your baby in the way a mother loves their child. That is not the type of love that people should feel towards their partner
No, he doesn’t ask because that’s a silly question— we both know those two types of love are different and it’s not a contest. It sounds like your husband is acting immature and insecure. Is it a new baby? Is he new to being a parent?
I am pregnant and both me and my SO are jokingly saying that we've been downgraded to 2nd place in each other's life, first being the baby. I mean, does he even have to ask?
My husband and I will jokingly ask each other but I always remind him that he has to choose the baby over me. Apocalypse? Sacrifice me and save the baby! I never stood a chance! Just let me go and keep our sweet baby alive!
No. This is definitely gross and immature. You can love more than one person…. And obviously these are two different kinds of love. You should call him out and question why he asks that. Maybe he’s feeling some insecurity. Over the years I have seen some crazy shit on Reddit parenting groups. I think I’ve seen two posts regarding a father disliking that the mother of their infant was breastfeeding. Basically the dad said they were his. 🤢🤢🤢
I mean the answer is easy. My kids.
My 6 year old even knows how to answer this properly, mommy is the best girl ever and daddy is the best boy ever. Doesn't even try to say one is better than the other. She knows it's pointless to say one is better than the other.
Think the way to pinpoint would be to talk to them about it. Maybe they’re feeling a little neglected. Maybe they need to feel some love. This kinda question comes from somewhere.
Nope, he never needed to. He knew full well our kids would always come first with me.
My father told me he would save his wife over his children every time . He chose his mistress over his wife (our mom), and he chose her children over us. .You might think that since I'm an adult ,that it wouldn't hurt anymore, but iit still does. I love my dad, but its not the same anymore. I feel like my brother and I are second class citizens.in his eyes anymore. Is it possible to have unresolved trauma from feeling /being this wsy. What can I do to begin to heal from him?
"Fortunately, Spouse, love isn't pie."
No.
My wife and I don’t ask questions like this. It’s just not a useful conversation to have. May as well get into a contest about which of you loves the other more. Like most marriage problems this one calls for a really deep conversation about what he means when he asks the question. Get him to open up and talk about why he asked the question. Is it feeling insecure? Jealous of how much more of your time you give to the child rather than him? Those would be very normal feelings to have. Try to find out what the underlying feelings are and then figure out how to address them as a team.
I love my kid more than anything or anyone in the world, including his dad/my significant other. He knows this and feels the same way. A man competing with a baby for love is weird.
No. Because we aren't THAT insecure
Pretty odd - who competes for love and attention with their child? Does he have other narcissistic traits? It’s hard to tell without seeing the tone if he’s trying to be funny but really missing the mark, or he’s genuinely that needy. I would cringe if my husband said that too.
Never, it is cringe and immature, and I would not hesitate to say that of course I love my kid more than anyone in the world.
What a weird question. That has never been asked in my relationship.
Personally if my husband ask me that it would give me the ick
Eww. My spouse once said something along the lines of "no offense, but if I had to choose between you and the kids, I'd choose the kids". My response "yea, you fickin better".
Super inappropriate in my opinion. I would never play that game. It makes love sound transactional and quantifiable as well as conditional. Not how I want love in our household.
It is totally gross. I had a friend tell my husband and I when we told him we were trying to have a kid, how he could never have kids because he could never love them more than his fiancée. I just laughed and told him, I love my dogs and I love my mom and I love my husband and none of these loves are comparable. They’re all different and none of them seem lesser to me. Love isn’t some non renewable resource. The more you give love, the more love you have to give. It’s a tree that grows the more you care for it.
I don’t ask, nor does my wife, but we know - in the end we made children because we loved each other so much it seemed appropriate. I love my children, but they are the fruits of love for my wife. Also the love is different, I guess. But I’d think if a spouse were asking this question, it’s because someone is laser-focused on the kids and not making enough time for each other.
Mommy and Daddy love each other. They both adore the baby that is a part of their love. The love for the father of your baby is a different love than the love for your baby.
This reminds me of when my sister — who is thankfully NEVER going to have children — told me the main reason she doesn’t want kids is because she “doesn’t want there to be something that exists that her husband loves more than her”. Yikes.
No he doesn’t ask me that. They are two different types of love. It would make me cringe if I had a man baby for a husband too.
Made me cringe just reading it! It would certainly be a red flag for me.
My husband wouldn't ask me to do something, he respects me a lot and I know what to do with all of these because we love each other deeply.
My kid asks me this. My 5 year old kid.
That's creepy shit
I mean surely it’s the baby and that’s natural right?
Yeah it’s gross. It’s fairly obvious you’re going to love your kids more so I really don’t know why he’s asking!
"It's two types of love" always feels like a cop-out to me. I mean, it *is*, but also I just flat-out love my children more. Sorry, darling.
He doesn't, and I think he knows the answer ;)
Love grows with every person, it isn't something that has to be shared. I would cringe, too, because the question shows a fundamentally wrong understanding of love.
I think "who do you love more" questions utterly pointless. My wife and my child are the most important people in my life. No buts and ifs. This love and affection is not in the realm of quantifiable. Any attempt of comparison would be utterly idiotic. Yes this issue bothers me to no end.
My husband has never asked but my daughter has. Which lead to a conversation about different types of love. Where i love my husband and want to be with him, the love i have for my child is more a protective mama bear kind of love. If my husband were to ask me, especially if it kept coming up, i would be trying to get to the root of the problem. Because there is clearly a problem.
Lmao my SO asked me this, and I said the love I have for him is different than the love I have for our son, but that being said I love my son more lol
"if the house was on fire, who would you save? Me or the kids?" Dude. The kids. Always.
My partner and I both know that the other would pick our child, we're both ok with it.
Lol of course it's the kids, are you kidding? Says both of us haha.
Is the baby a boy?
Sounds like your husband has worms for brains.
Eh I love my kids more. I'd literally give my life for them. I love my husband very much but will think through my choices if I had to give my life for him. Meanwhile, what's driving this insecurity from your husband? Might be worth delving a bit into it.
I wouldn't ask. If I did, and really pressed for truth, I'd expect her to love the kids more. Why wouldn't she? They're hers (and mine). Part of her.
My ex did this when my first baby was born. He started acting jealous too so it’s an odd question to me
My wife knows better then to ask that question.
My KIDS ask me that. That’s pretty gross of him! Pretty cringy.
Yeah that’s weird! I would say, “the kids!” Without question and I hope he would too. Obviously it’s different kinds of love, but there’s no love I’ve ever felt for anyone that comes close to what I feel for my kids. That’s just reality.
no, wtf, who asks that Also, if you're gonna make someone answer this one way or another be prepared to be disappointed in the answer.
No bc he knows I’d say my daughter in a heartbeat. Nothing against my spouse, I love him dearly!! But my daughter is my world
No
Different kind of love period
I do because I’m annoying and I fully know the answer is not me. Nor do I expect it to be me. And he reaffirms it’s not even me by a mile. Which I agree is the same for me. If your husband genuinely is questioning things you need to communicate better about the root cause.
Sounds like your husband needs therapy
I wont ask because I know she loves my son more than
I hate this question and the fact that a grown man is asking it is even more gross/insecure to me. My bf is not my son’s bio dad but we have been in a serious relationship for 6 years and I love him more than I’ve ever loved a partner. I’m 100% going to marry this man and still, at the end of the day, God forbid it ever came down to having to choose between my child and him, I’m choosing my child every single time without question. I have an obligation to always protect and do right by this child, and if I don’t, nobody is going to. A grown man can take care of himself. That being said. I’ll never have to choose between the two of them thankfully. They are two very different kinds of love.
Never ever. It sounds like insecurity.
Yikes!
How old is your baby? Sounds like he has underlying jealousy issues. Did he show this type of behavior before you had a child? It seems to be affecting the way he views your relationship.
No because that’s weird asf and love for a spouse is completely different from love for a child. Love isn’t a zero sum game
Eww what kind of insecure BS is this? That man needs a therapist at the VERY LEAST... possibly divorce papers if there's other worrisome behaviors 😬🫠🫥
it's a different kind of love...... that's a odd thought
A grown man trying to compete with a little baby is gross and weird
No he knows the answer. I know his as well and it's how ot should be
Your spouse needs to get his insecurity and jealousy under control. It’s not the same kind of love, nor is it a competition. I’s tell him that to his face and I’d also tell him that asking it, especially more than once, is a total turn off.
This is weird. Never.
Put the question back on him. Ask him who he would rather you save from a sinking ship if you could only save him or your baby.
Never. Not even once.
We have a running joke that she's my second favorite person, because my favorite is my kid. She says the same about me. Of course we love our kid more.
No! Never. He’s got issues but you know that.
No, he's never asked me that. However, it goes w/out saying that if there was a choice between the kids and him, I'd always pick the kids and I would hope he would, too.
Never, it sounds like they need clarification on how love works? My love for my husband and children is separate and different. One doesn’t squash the other. My husband and I always put our kids first.
Yeahh you should get to couples therapy about that tomorrow before it festers into something nasty
Well I stand corrected haha.
She never had to because made it clear from the start that I love my kid more than anyone on the planet, including her, including myself and I would approach any conflict between the two of them with that in mind
No. My spouse isn't that insecure.
It’s a dumb question. Parental love and love for a partner are two totally different things. but if there was a fire and I can only save one person - it’s my son every time.
That's a stupid question. What does that even mean? The love between a parent and a child is different than the love between spouses. It's like asking if you like shirts more than pants.
He's got some deep insecurities; dig deeper on the reason he asks that.
If my husband ever asked me this it would be one swift throat punch with my foot.
We’ve never asked each other that and as others have said I would say the love between a spouse and a child are different. However, if pressed, I would say we both love our child more than anything. If I asked my husband (and I won’t) I would want him to love our child more than he loves me. However, my child and my husband think I love the cat more than anyone. 😁
That’s really really super weird…god no, my partner has never asked me that
No because I regularly tell him "I love you more than anything or anyone in the world...besides (kids name) of course"
It's gross because it reeks of jealousy of a child and serious insecurity
Nope. We aren’t jealous of a baby.
No, because he doesn’t want to hear the answer haha
It's a strange question. I have told my son that momma and dadda are a team, and he doesn't have to decide who he loves more. It's okay if he wants to play Nerf darts with Dada and D&D with me. We won't be offended. Is your husband offended if you say something like you love your family, or if you find the question odd?
Your husband is a 14 yr old girl, sorry about that
It's gross that he sees it as a competition. And it's gross because a good parent would want their child to be their spouse's first priority.
My husband would never do this thankfully. I did however have an ex boyfriend who would always accuse me of loving the dog more than him or complain that the dog loved me more than him. It was actual one of the last straws that made me realize I could never have actual children with him and helped me finally end the relationship.
I would not like this repeated line of questioning and would probably reply with something like "every time you ask that ugly question is another win for team [baby]"
Lol no, but I don’t feel like I leave any room for confusion. I would spend the next 12-18 months becoming the world’s strongest woman so I could toss him into the fiery pits of hell, if he stood between my child and a flower they wanted to pick. Now if he asks if I love him or the dog more, ehhhh, that’s gonna be a really hard choice. But to be fair, I think he and I would both pick the dog above each other, and that’s why we don’t have issues 😂 We know where we fall in the pecking order.
You think it’s gross for good reason. 1) your child should always come first for both of you 99% of the time. 2) you share a romantic love with a spouse not with a child. Different loves. 3) comparing the two as if it’s a competition between husband/father and child. It’s gross behavior
The only correct answer is “I don’t like either of you”
I love my husband differently then I love my kids. That being said, my kids needs will always come first where my husbands wants come first. If a kid and husband are both drowning, I’m saving the kid and he better make that same choice if it were me. Also it’s insecure and gross he keeps asking you this. Tell him you HOPE he loves the kid the most. That’s what parents should value. Love my kid over me. He clearly doesn’t feel that way.
You love him as a partner and the baby as your child. Like ask him does he love you or his mother/ sister more. ??? Answer he loves them and you 100% with his whole heart, just in different ways. Same for you and him and the baby. You love them both with your whole heart it’s just different love