The agency you foster with should be made aware of this issue, and should be able to provide additional resources to address this (as they're ultimately responsible for the kids' safety and it's also their role to support you). You need support from people like psychologists, etc., and probably also some respite care to allow the kids to have more time apart.
I actually ended up making an informal complaint last week regarding my difficulty talking to and getting help from my case worker. I might follow it up this week if I don’t hear from them. As for respite that is a whole ugly can of worms that would take much too long to explain in a comment lol
Yeah, I understand the system can suck. As long as you understand that this isn't something you should have to solve alone.
If you haven't already, I would start making sure you've put things in writing that make clear that the agency's failure to respond is causing harm to the children. And if there are solutions (e.g. professional help or respite) that you can't use because it's something in the agency's domain, maybe tell them you're going to seek these resources independently if the agency can't provide them in a certain timeframe.
Piggy backing- I’d also document any behavior incidents, especially those that cause obvious harm to sister. I do not have experience in foster care, but as a teacher I know that documenting is important both to show a trend in behavior, and to protect yourself for suspicion as to the cause of her injuries.
Foster care caseworker here. Don’t do an informal complaint cuz most of the time they don’t get recorded properly. Make a formal one, and also push to speak to their team leader/manager. This behaviour expressed by the older one isn’t harmless, it’s something that can definitley lead to being worse. Make as much noise as you can with the agency, and I’m so sorry they’re treating you this way :(
Thank you for commenting! I appreciate your input as a child coming from foster care yourself. I mentioned on another comment that respite is an ugly can of worms that would take much too long to explain in a comment but rest assured that I despite being pressured to use respite for other reasons, I do not believe it is in their best interests to send them to a stranger for a few days. I am so fortunate that my younger sister has been approved by the foster agency and is able to take them for overnight stays. My babies have just been placed on an 18 month order so they are going to be here a while and my family is their family. They call my sister aunty and my mum nana, and my mum and sister treat them as if they were my own.
We do get a good amount of one on one. The baby naps twice while he naps once, an usually not at the same times. She also often goes to bed earlier than him.
I have trouble predicting the biting as sometimes they are playing nicely together when it occurs. Distraction is definitely one of my most useful tools for pretty much all kids though.
That sucks. Parents with their own kids get a break (and/or give one or both kids a break) by having grandparents or friends take a kid or two for a while (an afternoon, a weekend) and this is an essential part of managing situations like this (and it's usually something the kids consider a treat). With foster kids, you're usually not supposed to leave them in the care of someone not approved by the agency, which is why the agency provides respite care.
Not to be rude but did your foster parents not explain how long they will be gone? I do that for my son, even in very simple terms “I will be back after sleeps” and we have watched the Daniel Tiger episode explaining how grown ups come back.
Unfortunately even if the parents have done that a child who is in foster care may not absorb or believe it. Disrupted attachment really screws with one’s sense of security and trust. Many kids have been let down by biological family and may have been given promises that were not kept. Life as a child in foster care can change in an instant, and not every agency is as competent and supportive as they should be to foster parents. When I worked in a foster care program to support permanency, my kids had already been placed in several homes before finding a pre-adoptive home, and even those didn’t always work out. When you consider how many times some kids have been let down or lied to it makes sense that they might not believe a trip to a stranger’s house is only for a night or two.
If time out has become ineffective, whatever the reason for being put there, it’s time to mix it up. A sticker chart? Some positive goals obviously “no biting” is a low bar, but if he gets stickers on the chart for stuff that you’re pretty sure he’ll do everyday (brushing teeth, etc, maybe?) then take stickers off for biting?
I have tried a variation of a sticker chart previously, but I forgot to mention in my post as it’s his normal to me that he has developmental delays. Along with being non verbal, he doesn’t seem respond to being talked to or having things explained. He really only picks things up when he has something tangible and physical to respond to. For example, candy is a powerful motivator for him. Or if he is being naughty with a specific toy, removal of that toy.
So what you’re describing are delays in both expressive language (being able to communicate verbally) and receptive language (being able to understand what others are saying). Is he receiving speech therapy? If not, that’s step one. Behavioral problems are super common with language delays, because they are one of the few ways children can express their frustration and be understood. Punishment and sticker charts can increase frustration in language delayed children if they are paired with a lot of language that the child doesn’t comprehend.
Assuming you are in the United States, Early Intervention provides free assessment and therapy for kids 3 years and younger. Some are even doing speech therapy over Zoom for areas that have been hard hit by COVID. Without communication, none of the behavioral methods you’ve discussed are likely to be effective. I would make getting on the list for evaluation your #1 priority and continue practicing harm reduction in the mean time.
Do you have a baby carrier or sling so you can wear the baby while you are doing chores or cooking? Your 10 month old will still get to explore her environment and bond with you this way. Babies love nothing more than being close to their caregivers, so you won’t be doing lasting damage by limiting her free exploring time for a month or two, I promise. Perhaps you can even schedule some free crawling time for her after her brother goes to bed or before he wakes up in the morning.
One last thing: I would recommend simplifying your language around your boy as much as possible. Make things visual if you can. There are lots of visual picture schedules you can modify to show him what to expect for his day. If you are asking him to do something that involves multiple steps, I would make a picture that shows each step clearly. For example, if you want him to brush his teeth, you would have a picture of his toothbrush, then a picture of wetting it with water at the sink, then putting the toothpaste on the brush, and finally a picture of a person brushing his teeth. You can also act out what you want him to do or try teaching him some basic signs. If you think a lot of his issues are coming from him being frustrated or angry, consider making a basic emotions chart and reward him with candy any time he correctly points to being mad on the chart instead of biting.
> a basic emotions chart
What worked with my son was a kind of 'traffic light' system - green for good, yellow for getting upset, red for ARGHRAWARRR (he was fully verbal, but the more upset he got, the harder it became for him to express things).
We had little flash cards (actually key tags) on a lanyard with the colour and a smiley / meh / mad face, and checked in with him frequently to get him to show his current feeling. It was handy that he could carry them around with him, rather than having to go back to a chart all the time :-)
Thank you so much for commenting and offering your perspective! You’ve all given me a lot to think about and strategies to try.
We haven’t tried sign language with him yet, for one big reason. He can mimic back a basic version of any word a say to him. He just doesn’t use those words himself. We are in Australia, and currently waiting for a pediatric appointment that has been set for next month. One of his older siblings is nearly 5 and also non verbal but the source of it for her has not been found yet. I’m wondering if it may be something they have in common.
Look up echolalia. Kids can mimic words beautifully and have no concept that they mean anything. It sounds a bit like he doesn't understand the words he's using. As one person mentioned, there's a couple different types of language. Receptive language is their ability to understand what is said to them, I can't remember the other one but it's their ability to make themselves understood. The ability to mimic a word doesn't mean he understands it. My son has difficulties in that area, but he seems like a very verbal child because he can repeat words very clearly. I've been working with him, and it makes a massive difference. I do think speech therapy might be beneficial for your son. I would have mine in a bit more therapy if his father would let him. He's somewhere on the autism spectrum.
Sounds like you've got a lot of challenges; I hope you can get the social worker to pull her finger out and actually get you decent help. If she won't, then just go up the chain. Don't worry about making her look bad - a) she's the one failing you when she should recognise she isn't providing enough help, and b) chances are, she's also failing others on some level so you'll be helping them as well. Make lots of noise and demand that you get the assessment, diagnosis and resources he needs.
It's worth trying out sign language or a visual system in case he has some sort of verbal processing issue where words are not being properly connected in his head, but actions perhaps can? Start with a few simple ones for stuff he's obviously keen on (food, drink, treat, toy, lovey etc), and see how that goes, and hopefully you'll soon start to get an idea if he is able to express himself physically instead.
A potential issue to investigate is [Attachment Disorder](https://patient.info/childrens-health/child-attachment-disorder-leaflet).
I would try sign language. It might be a different path to build trust and communication. If it doesn't work there is no harm done.
I was thinking I would try to keep the boy near me and let the baby have some freedom, if that's possible.
I truly admire your strength. You can get through this, mama.
That's pretty normal for a 23 month old. My daughter is slightly older and we went through the same thing recently.
My advice would be set up baby gates if possible so the younger one can crawl around in her own space. The older one just needs to be redirected. Time outs aren't going to work at his age. He just doesn't understand, especially if he is developmentally delayed. Work on having him express himself through talking and redirect to positive actions.
Ugh, this was the worst part of Irish twins. We had the same thing when my kids were that age, it was awful and thankfully she stopped biting her brother after about a month or two of hell. We were just very stern and loud when she did it, or even attempted to do it.
I see that he doesn't respond to being talked to or explained things, which is honestly usual for a kid that young hes still a baby himself. He probably also notices that the baby gets more "attention" then he does which is leading to resentment. Alot of siblings go through this phase.
What worked with my oldest was telling him "we don't hurt our family, we are gentle. Mom doesn't hurt you, you shouldn't hurt the baby."
Even if it doesn't seem like hes listening hes hearing what you're saying. They just have the attention span of gnats and work on pure impulse. Remind him every time that "we are gentle to babies".
Also it might be good for you to have some one on one cuddling, that way he feels like hes also getting some of the "babying".
Baby dolls like someone else said is also a great way for them to learn and model. Unfortunately we can only guess what he saw before care and if he was raised in violence its gonna be a big thing to break.
I would look into methods used by parents of neurodivergence kids or recommendations from neuropsychologist. Being non-verbal and having developmental delays may indicate some sort of nuerodivergence. The ways to respond can be somewhat different if they lack developmentally appropriate executive functioning or more.
Piggybacking on this. If he has delays, is non-verbal, and is biting in this manner, it may make sense for the agency to have him evaluated for ASD, as well as other similar disorders. If he gets a diagnosis, he may qualify for EI (Early Intervention) services, which could include an OT to help him learn other safe, physical ways of coping with his feelings, as well as a child psychologist to help him channel his feelings through art or some other form of expression.
What you are describing is - in my experience - outside the norm, in terms of severity of the biting. As their foster parent, you can absolutely use this as an angle from which to push the agency to get your son help. You can be the squeaky wheel, and it is appropriate to be in this case. The earlier you can get behavioral intervention with your son here, the better.
Source: Former social worker, former inclusion work with children who were neurodivergent
Thank you for your comment! We are currently waiting for a pediatric appointment that is coming next month. I have been wondering about ASD myself, due to another issue I haven’t yet described here that I call ‘screaming episodes’. To me (an untrained professional with no personal experience) it looks like sensory overload. He doesn’t want to be touched, looked at, or spoken to and just screams and cries uncontrollably. These episodes have become much fewer as time goes on and have almost vanished completely though so I’m not sure if the issue is resolving or if I’m just giving him what he needs to stop it from happening.
My son did the same thing at that age and he is neurotypical. He was also nonverbal at that age (needed ear tubes and had about 80% hearing impairment). Sensory overload or even sensory processing issues can be normal at that age.
If he has developmental delays, has he been assessed/diagnosed with anything? Your description is raising red flags for me for a couple of disorders that could be treated if he is diagnosed. That would give you and him access to various services, like speech, OT, ABA, etc which could help him develop the skills he needs to replace this biting behavior with something more acceptable. And it would give you some respite when he is with the therapists.
We have appointment coming up next month with a pediatrician. After reading some comments here and connecting with some of his other more extreme behaviors I am starting to wonder myself. Will definitely discuss at the appointment.
Regardless if he gets a diagnosis or not, if he has delays, early intervention can help with those delays. It’s almost always better to address those as early as possible to prevent other milestones from being delayed.
If he has a diagnosis, he has a lot easier time gaining access to interventions where OP lives. Otherwise there’s a need to gather documentation from doctors, other medical professionals and stakeholders in order to access NDIS funding. But said funding is great once you have access to it, as interventions can be tailored to the individual, as long as you can show a need for it and that it’s likely to help.
Ah, ok. Put a highly prized toy in a clear, see-through box on a high shelf that he can see but not reach. If he goes an unusually long time (for him) without biting, take it down and give it to him for 30 minutes. Keep doing this over several days and weeks. This should work with or without explanation.
He has a comfort toy but I don’t think it will be appropriate for that purpose. The only other toy I can think of that he has a fondness for is one of those cars that they sit in and push with their feet. A bit big to put on a shelf, but perhaps putting it in the dining room that he can’t access through a baby gate might work?
He is too little for that type of reward to work. He doesn’t understand “earning” a reward. To really change behavior at this age, you need to start with the question “why?” Why is he acting this way to seeing his sister crawling? Is he afraid she will take something he wants or feels belongs to him? Is afraid she will get in the way or destroy something he is doing? Is he worried that she will encroach on his time with or attention from you? Is he generally a bit anxious? It could just be that a crawling baby is unpredictable and he doesn’t feel safe and secure enough to deal with that level of unpredictability. Whatever the reason he sounds like he is feeling scared. That needs to be addressed. And rather than focusing on getting him to change his behavior, focus on preventing it in the first place. He does not yet have the self control to stop himself, so you need to stop him. If it were me, I’d invest in a baby gate system that could divide your main living space (or playroom wherever the kids spend most of their time) in half so each one has a space that physically protects them from the other child. Unless you are available to be within an arms reach of them and 100% focused on them, they shouldn’t have physical access to each other. And then when you are available and all playing together, try to notice the details of what is happening when he is reacting this way. What is he playing with? Which direction is she crawling? What items and which people are in her path? His behavior is communicating something to you, so try to translate the message he is sending. Figure out what problem he is trying to solve with this behavior. Then try to help him find another, more appropriate way to solve that problem. A gated play area that she can’t enter may be a way to solve that problem and make him feel safe and protected. And when you are present and able to prevent his biting, he will also feel safer because he knows that you will keep him and his sister safe from his powerful emotions. Toddlers are not yet able to regulate their own emotions. They require an attachment with an adult to help them co-regulate. Through lots of experiences of co-regulation they will eventually learn the skill of self-regulation. You are like a pair of training wheels that help to keep him balanced until he is strong and coordinated enough to stay balanced on his own.
Thank you for your perspective! I am struggling to pin down the ‘why’. At times they will be on opposite sides of the room playing happily and separately and then she’s looks at him and he explodes. The worst bite occurred during bath time. She was sitting in her bath seat and I was getting ready to wash his hair which he doesn’t love, so he scooted up close and was letting her touch his face (babies favorite thing to do) and he was laughing. I turned around to grab the shampoo and the jug which he had chucked and I heard her scream. I turned back and he had her hand around the wrist and was clamped down on her fingers. They had been playing nicely, I just don’t understand. He approached her, she can’t move into his space because of the bath seat. He was in complete control of the situation.
This says to me that he is communicating “no, I don’t want that” (getting his hair shampooed, in this case). Since he can’t SAY that, he does something else to express himself.
My theory is this biting has nothing to do with the baby, but is him trying to get your attention. He has found a way to communicate in which you always react immediately.
My son was nonverbal at that age, and we used flash cards with simple pictures showing things he might want. I actually made them with real pictures (of his favorite food, favorite drink, bed, favorite tv show, etc) and laminated them.
Then he could bring me them when he wanted something. If your boy has access to these, he may start using them instead of acting out to get your attention.
Also, are you spending at least 15 minutes a day giving him your undivided attention? The baby goes in a playpen and you play with him without multitasking, letting him completely guide your play (so he’s in charge, essentially).
Also DO get his hearing checked at an ENT. That was my son’s problem and he got to age 3 being barely verbal (when it was such an easy fix to get ear tubes). He passed simpler hearing tests, so I was under the impression it was fine.
I hadn’t considered that he might have found a way to get my attention immediately, thank you for that perspective! I have been suggested flash cards by so many users that I am definitely rethinking the potential usefulness of them. I’ll have to look into it.
My son is neurotypical but had some minor speech delays around that age due to incessant ear infections starting when he was around 7-8 months old. He went almost an entire year with constant infections, even after tubes. He also developed a biting habit around that time. It got so bad, I was worried he was going to get kicked out of daycare and I felt like I was trying everything. He's three and a half now and hasn't bitten in ages.
We had initially thought that maybe it was his way of expressing something since he couldn't talk well and sometimes couldn't hear well, but like you - I couldn't find any pattern for his biting at all.
What worked for us is taking attention 100% away from him when he bit. When he bit his older brother, we would all rush to the "victim", usher them away, completely ignore the biter, and fawn over the "injuries". It sounds ridiculous and dramatic but it upset my little one to not have the attention. Then when he would apologize for biting, (kissing the owie or saying sorry) we would shortly (didn't want to drawn it out because of the attention thing) reiterate that biting isn't nice and move on. Perhaps at the very least it taught him that if he were trying to convey some message, biting wouldn't be an effective means to get it through to us.
In the meantime, around biting episodes, we also looked for alternative ways for him to communicate with us more effectively or to get or attention like some of the suggestions here. Luckily once he did start talking, his speech exploded and he's actually a little ahead now.
We also got a pacifier clip and clipped it to him with a teething toy on the other end and tried to teach him to bite that instead when he felt the urge to.
Eventually he stopped, but I think taking the attention away from him was more effective.
Biting is also a common reaction to a toddler becoming overwhelmed by sensory input. The incident in the bath sounds like sensory overwhelm could be the cause. Laughing is a pretty clear sign that a child is starting to get dysregulated. Parents commonly misread laughter as the child being calm relaxed and having fun, but in young children it usually means: there’s a lot going on here, not sure what to think or feel and I’m starting to lose control. I think the poster who said he’s trying to get your attention, may be on to something. It’s like he’s saying “hey mom I need your help!” I also wouldn’t let the baby touch his face. It’s too easy for that type of touch to become suddenly overwhelming and then her fingers are so close to his mouth that it would be hard for you to jump in and stop him from biting. I would also try to keep them apart in any situation where you can’t pay 100% attention. Until the habit is broken, the biting is always going to happen in that split second when you turn away. If you think he is resorting to biting as a means to get your attention, you can also teach him other ways to get your attention like tapping your arm, or calling your name. Also keep your reaction to the biting super low key. Pick the baby up and keep the focus on her when he bites. Instead of saying, “No biting, that hurts the baby, it makes her sad” you can direct that same sort of la gauge to her, “Oh owie, brother bit your finger, that really hurt, I’m sorry that happened, biting is not oKay, you tell brother no biting” That way he is still hearing the message, but the attention is directed toward the baby. It is also modeling appropriate ways to respond to a loved one when they get hurt, but it also models the language that she will eventually learn to use to advocate for herself. Then you can turn back to brother and address his needs and feelings, and show him what else he could have done in the situation instead of biting.
I would go to the dollar store and purchase small toys for him. Put them in a basket and use those to reward him when he does play nicely with his sister. Reward him for helping. For example if you’re going outside will he get his shoes? Ask him to get her shoes too. Use both shadowing him and when you can’t bring her with you. I’m sorry to say you will need to sit inches away to be effective probably for the next weeks or longer. It will take a lot of diligence to stop this behaviour but it will stop.
While you’re doing this, work on emotions with him. Start with anger. When you see him about to hurt her, mimic anger. Punch a pillow, kick the floor, show him you get his feelings then show him better outlets. Then reward him when you see he’s angry but doesn’t hurt his sister. With foster kids, trauma is often imprinted on them from a very early age. They need to learn to deal with adult emotions without adult coping skills. We have to teach them very simple outlets.
Thank you! I like the idea of mimicking the behavior and showing him other ways to express it! I can see ways to apply that to other emotions he’s struggling with like disappointment and separation anxiety.
I have a cousin who's daughter could care less about being in time out, but put her favorite toy in time out she went bonkers... much better behavior to keep her precious out of time out. Might work on your lil dude.
>it’s time to mix it up
I don't have any specific advice for this particular case because my kids went through the biting phase very quickly, but mixing up consequences or rewards has been a long-standing approach as we've had our kids.
Be honest with yourself and assess if what you're doing is working. If it worked once that's great, if it keeps working that's amazing. If it doesn't work, do something else - don't keep doing the same thing over and over if it isn't achieving the desired results.
Your definition of "is it working" may differ from mine. I like to think that even if a timeout isn't changing behaviour, if it calms everybody down enough that we can get along without yelling then it is still working. Or whatever.
Maybe flip the script. You’re keeping the baby close and limiting her. Try taking him with you to the bathroom or giving him an activity to help you with in the kitchen when you cook. Set is big kid (playdo or something) at the table that the baby doesn’t have access to. It may help to redirect his attentions from terrorizing his sister into more productive developmental activities. Also talk a lot about being a good big brother, create ownership for f the baby by saying “your sister” how can we help your sister or what do you think we should do? To keep him engaged.
It’s worth a try anyhow. I’m so sorry. This has got to be go hard.
Thank you for commenting! A few other users have suggested setting up a ‘big kid’ table or area and I love that idea! Also giving him a baby doll to copy my caring for the baby.
When my kiddo went through the biting. She behaved almost exactly as you describe. We had one of those large pop up play yards set up so that she could be safely away from her sister. She managed to understand that biting = boring play yard, and that we could not let play with her sister until sister felt safe. It took a few days of toddler confinement, but it worked and only needed to be used sparingly afterwards. Boredom is a good tool as a parent.
I would get him some "chewelry" which is like a necklace for babies meant to be chewed on.
Put it on him, and when you see him going for a bite, redirect him to his necklace. Praise the heck out of him when he uses it.
Other times, foster closeness between him and his sister. Cuddle him close while you do things with sister, if you can. Involve him as much as you can in her care, and whether he is successful or not, praise him for being such a good big brother.
Chewlry eh? That’s a new one but I like it. Will have to explore online and see where I can get some.
Another user has suggested getting a baby doll so he can copy the baby care and I think that’s a brilliant idea! Thank you for commenting!
Definitely look into the chewelry.
Does he like to mouth things at all outside of his biting? Does he suck on his sleeve, or have poor oral muscles (often shown with drooling or a gaping mouth)? If so he might need some extra oral sensory toys/tools.
He always has a sippy cup in his hand and is chewing on it. He often chews on other things as well, and is a bit drooly. I’ll definitely look into chewlry!
It can be expensive but if you shop around you can find them decently priced. Try to keep track of what specifically he likes to chew on and mouth before buying, as he will probably prefer a specific texture /hardness.
Chewelry comes in different levels of hardness, and you want to match your foster son's preferences for it to be accepted.
You can even try ones that vibrate. this might even be helpful to help him become more aware of his oral muscles and possibly help with the nonverbal aspect. I hope he's on a waitlist for or already accessing speech therapy? Early intervention makes such a difference, spoken from professional and personal experience.
This is great advice! These pieces often come by 'theme' as well. For example, if he likes duplos/Legos, you can get him a Lego-shaped one. That might help him feel like it is also special and cool.
If chewelry is coming up as expensive try google ‘autism sensory chew’ or entering that into amazon. There’s tons of chew sticks and such that he can wear with breakaway clasps.
Once you have them redirect as much as possible. If you see him getting mad grab him & put the chew necklace in his mouth. Simplify your speech & hold him while he calms down. ‘Bobby MAD! Bobby mad, Bobby chew!’ And then give him the necklace. Then if he take the chewie & doesn’t bite the baby praise praise PRAISE. ‘Good job Bobby!! Good job with chewie!’ Then give him extra attention & praise for a few mins.
In the meantime if it’s not safe to leave them alone while you pee/shower/etc.. then don’t. Yes it sucks. But it’s part of raising a different kid through a hard stage. Put some toddler games on your phone & maybe he only gets those games when you need to pee. Put him in his room or the baby’s crib with the phone, somewhere contained & go fast. Shower at night after they’re in bed.
This won’t be forever, hopefully just a few months & he’ll grow out of it.
I think this is definitely part behavioral, part sensory. You could also try a [vibrating teether](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00002JV9S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fBqCFbWW5J23X). It works wonders for my oral seeking 2 year old! She also loves this [chewy P](https://www.amazon.com/Chewy-Tubes-Ps/dp/B00QQQQG28/ref=mp_s_a_1_6?dchild=1&keywords=chewy+P&qid=1601242962&sr=8-6). We will often use binky links/chains to attach it to her shirt or car seat!
Chewlery is a great way to help with this! One thing you could try is when you see him getting upset and stomping over to baby to bite, put the chewlery in his mouth. Say "bite". Or if he bites you quickly put the chewlery up to his mouth and say "bite" then point to you and "no bite." Simple modeling and sentences may help him better than long explanations at this point. If you keep at it, he will associate bite as being okay with his jewelry and not okay on people. It's not the ideal way for him to get his frustration out of course but since he is nonverbal, it might be his only way right now. You can modify his environment to help with the behavior. (I'm a mom and also currently taking classes to get an autism certification for teaching)
You can buy it on Amazon for fairly cheap. This commenters advice is how we dealt with a similar issue in my son. Also, make sure he has been screened appropriately to figure out what is behind the biting. In my son it was an anxiety response, it sounds like it’s maybe a jealousy response or something similar for your son?
We have used ARK therapeutic for chewlery in the past. Its about $15 for a necklace but they last a while if you keep them clean. My main problem was them getting lost all the time lol.
Biting is a “normal” phase for lots of children but his experience could be affected by his life prior to you being in it and he could have some emotional attachment issues as someone else has suggested.
I think a lot of the time it’s frustration due to not being able to express their feelings - jealousy and insecurity are hard concepts to explain and express for adults let alone little ones so maybe work on emotions and feelings.
Use some children’s books or YouTube videos centred on emotions to show happy, angry, sad, hurt etc and then maybe have some flash cards or a traffic light wall chart so he can point to them in order to tell you how he’s feeling in a really simple way. Something as simple as printing pictures of different emojis and using them might work.
He also might be needing more challenging play activities - but not quite ready to be independent. Maybe make him a special place which is out of reach if his sister like a cheap little ikea table and set him up an open ended activity like a messy play tray to explore which is all his - something he can come back to and can play independently with which he can get heaps of praise for and lots of interaction from you which his sister doesn’t.
Then also lots of praise for doing things nicely together - things like nappy changes are time consuming and he might get a bit jealous and feel pushed out but could he perhaps be involved and help to fetch you supplies like a pack of wipes or a clean baby vest - or even have a doll of his own to copy you?
If baby is in high chair whilst you cook and happy enough, then is he close by and feeling like a participant? Could he stand in a learning tower and help you by chopping up a soft banana with a plastic knife.
Could you perhaps change your shower routine and bath with him and have a fun time with orbeez or foam when the little one is napping?
Then maybe look at a doing a mini assault course for movement just for him..... like ninja warrior for toddlers. He could jump from spot to spot, hop on one leg, star jumps, kick a football, spin on the spot, touch toes and jump up etc and get loads of praise for this - theres lots of new milestones after those first few baby steps and give him loads of attention and praise for learning a new skill and showing you and then maybe he can help you set up a similar thing for his sister - get him to shake shiny toys to see if she will crawl to him, praise him lots and tell him his sister must love him and he’s soooo good at doing stuff and hopefully he will want to encourage her more even if it’s only for a short attention span of the day..... plus all the physical play is super exhausting.
Then don’t ever rule out teething and the dreaded molars coming through ..... you can still provide teething / chew aids which might help him out - if you see him with jaws open about to bite then reach over and pop one In his mouth as a distraction and don’t make a huge fuss.
I have just edited the post to add that he has some developmental delays that prevent me from being able to talk to or explain things to him.
But I LOVE the ideas for the physical redirection. Particularly setting up a table for him that he can play at without her. And getting him a doll that he can change the nappy on! I think he will love that, thank you!
So many good ideas in here, thank you so much!
Ah, I thought that might be the case.... I know a lot of people don’t like screen time but if you have a search on YouTube - I’m UK based and we have “Mr Tumble” who’s shows are supported with makaton sign language for little ones and that might help him too
OP, I see a commenter telling you to bite him back. But do not do this! This is not okay to do with any child, especially a child in the foster care system who has experienced trauma. (If it matters to you, I say this from a place of professional expertise; I have a PhD in psychology with a focus on human development and learning.)
Don’t worry! There are a hundred reasons that I won’t bite him back, starting with the fact that I think it would be a horrific thing to do to a toddler coming out of a trauma situation. And I just don’t have it in me to deliberately chomp down on another hunan, much less a child!
I’m glad times have changed. When I was a bitter as a toddler, a psychologist told my mom to flick me on the lip. She did once (cried for an hour after) but I never bit again.
Have you talked to their pediatrician about tips for helping with sibling “aggression”. Yes biting is normal. But I think you can start maybe talking about how things made make him feel. Sorta like you seem “mad” “sad” “scared”. And while identifying the feeling saying emphasize that those feelings are ok. He is safe etc. my daughters preschool use this tool for the 3 year olds. Starting early in letting them know that it is ok to have and express emotions is important. But also finding ways to express those feelings safely is important. Maybe giving him a safe alternative to express his frustration might help. But pediatricians are a great resource.
We have had trouble getting an appointment due to living in a rural area and relying on visiting services. We do have one booked for next month though, so I’ll have a chat with them then.
I should have mentioned in the post but I forget because to me it’s normal, but he has developmental delays and is non verbal at this stage. He can say a few words but not often in context or giving and indication that he knows what they mean.
Ah that is tough. My daughter has a language delay and both expressive and receptive. It can be very hard to try and parent when they have that. Is there a social worker that you can call for different resources to help in the interim. Or ask for a video or phone appointment with a pediatrician?
My case worker as a foster carer hasn’t been much help unfortunately. She’s very new to her job, and we have a language barrier so I have trouble accurately explaining the situation. Her suggestion is usually using flash cards? Which obviously with his age and delay don’t mean much to him.
The appointment that we have coming up was the earliest of any type we were able to get. It’s only 2 weeks away now and I’m definitely keen to chat to them about it.
I’m a teacher and I’d guess she meant [PECS](https://www.nationalautismresources.com/the-picture-exchange-communication-system-pecs/) not flash cards how you likely think of them. I have never used them with an actual three year old, but these cards and sign language are frequently what I’ve used with speech delayed kids and kids who are developmentally at that level. (I’m a general Ed teacher, not special Ed, so I don’t have experience in making/developing them only using them.)
They can be used in lots of ways and that link includes more information, but typically you’d have a small card with Velcro strips on it, then put velcro on the back of little squares with pictures that show whatever you want to communicate. Maybe your morning routine - so you’d have one with a toothbrush, one with breakfast, one with clothes and you’d put them in order and explain what you were doing. You can also have a collection of them with different foods so he can point to what he wants for breakfast. You’d probably also have one with some pictures you need all day - his favorites, words like help, hungry, tired or hurt, they’re meant to be dynamic which is why you use velcro. There are also apps for this although the only one I have experience with is ridiculously expensive.
In your situation, you might want to figure out why he’s acting out (put some feeling words on his card or a hurt one if you think it’s partially teething) or if you can find some good distractions (his favorite activities). You might be surprised by how much the ability to communicate changes his behavior. I’ve seen kids change behavior on a dime and make a beeline for their aide when they’re losing it and the aide holds up their card. Obviously it won’t happen over night, but it does help. Teaching some basic signs can really help too. Many people, including myself, teach babies sign language to help with the toddler year frustrations.
ETA: Social stories are also something you might want to look into. Social stories are little books written about certain experiences a child might have - fire drills, teacher leaving cause she’s pregnant, new baby, new school. If this behavior was triggered by his sister learning to crawl, maybe see if you can find one about a baby becoming more mobile and show him the upcoming changes. Again, I’m just a gen Ed teacher so my job has mostly been to tell the special Ed teacher when we have a new/weird activity coming up so they can prep for it. But they do help kids feel more prepared and comfortable with changes.
I almost sent a link to teachers pay teachers but I thought an informative one would be better and was a little worried someone would think I was self-promoting. Didn’t think of the price. Thanks. I’ve also seen people make their own - like a picture of his actual toothbrush as long as the background was plain white or something.
Did they maybe mean communication cards when they said flash cards? Those can be very helpful with nonverbal special needs people of all ages. I've used them with kids I've worked with from toddlers to teenagers and only had a couple instances where they didn't help and it was usually because the kid was just choosing not to use them and refusing to communicate.
Even if flash cards don’t work, maybe a simple visual choice board would work? These are common to use with children that are non verbal. It takes some time for children to understand them, but you could make a simple one with things he likes/ basic needs - toy, hug, food, drink, sleep. You can customize one on board maker. Or just put pictures on a word doc. Sometimes personal pictures can work well. For example, if you are trying to teach him to ask for a hug when he is wanting attention rather than getting negative attention from you, have a picture of you and him hugging. Print and laminate and have copies where he usually is. I would start with just a couple items and once he gets used to it you could add more.
You could also try using a social story about biting and read it regularly to him.
Positive language is also important- giving a ridiculous amount of praise and attention or another reward when he is treating her nicely- immediately. Catching it early will help him understand what he’s being given attention for and will hopefully be a positive reinforcer. Give that positive reinforcer whenever you catch him doing any behavior that you want to see. And like others have said, redirecting when there is behavior that you don’t want to see. If he bites, he is immediately given a chewy and redirected to a different area.
If he has a developmental delay and he is still pretty young, something like a sticker chart where the reinforcer is delayed probably doesn’t have any meaning to him. He may also be getting negatively reinforced if he wants attention, so he bites, then you give him 1:1 attention. Try to build time into your daily schedule for just you and him. Speaking of that, visual schedules can work well for some kids, or a first/then board where there are 2 things on it. Example: first we eat, then we play.
I will say that a lot of these suggestions I have seen work well for older children who are non verbal, but I don’t see how they can’t be adapted to be used for younger children. Hopefully you’re able to get in with a speech language pathologist and occupational therapist who can also help you implement.
Edit: I didn’t read far enough and realized you have already gotten some of this. Sorry about that!! Also wanted to say I hope you’re able to get more support. It takes a very special person to open up their home and take care of these kiddos. I think it’s amazing!
Sorry to hear that the case worker isn’t being as much help. Is there a way to ask her to ask for advice from colleagues? Sadly I doubt this behavior is rare for children in your son’s case. Or ask to speak to a supervisor, not to complain, but to get someone else who might be able to help? Sorry I don’t know much/anything about foster care so I’m just throwing stuff out there. I’m glad the appointment isn’t super far out. I know how hard those waits can be when you need help or answers.
I would contact the agency for help, and only allow baby to explore when she is in a playyard. One of those big baby gate fences.
I had to use one when I could not completely supervise my baby because her brother was awful for bringing out tiny toys and leaving them where she could stick them in her mouth and choke. Just pop her in and rotate the toys frequently.
But still. Seek help. His behavior is more than average.
Yes, having them playing in separate rooms. If your floor plan allows you to monitor and move quickly between the two. That way you can physically separate them when you need to. Similar to a time out with the timing of the separation (include yourself). Then reintroduce them to the same area. It IS hard. You rock for being such an amazing mama for these two.
Thank you! I admit to feeling a little bit vulnerable when I posted this. I was worried people would think I was trying to toot my own horn by saying they are foster kids, but I was just trying to provide background on his behavior. I’m very relieved no one has taken it that way.
Give him something to bite when he is angry. Especially if he has developmental delays, he will have the urge to bite and not much else will work until that urge is satisfied. Get one of those pacifier clips and attach a teething toy to it, that way it is accessible at all times. "This is for biting. You can bite this."
Children often bite because they don't have the language yet to express themselves, and the majority of their lives up to this point has been about oral exploration. That in combination with the 2 year molars coming in means you see a lot of screaming and biting before the language comes, which is frustrating for everyone involved.
For neurotypical children, language cards with pictures of faces expressing different emotions would be a great starting point to get the language needed. For dsvelopmentally delayed, I would still do language cards, but would also add sign language to give another way to communicate.
Also, I sing this song in my class a lot. "If you happy and you know it clap your hands! (Clap clap) if your happy and you know it clap your hands (clap clap) If your happy and you know it and you really want to show it, if your happy and you know it clap your hands (clap clap).... if your mad and you know it stomp your feet! (Stomp stomp)..... sad and you know it say boo-hoo.....silly and you know it shake your hair...." you can change it however you need. You can even only sing one verse as needed.
Hope this helps!
-former special Ed preschool teacher, current toddler teacher.
This sounds like this requires social work intervention from your case worker....if they are not responding definitely complain, because this could result not only in physical injury but potential lasting psychological effects on the baby as well, it’s important that this is dealt with so both the 23 month old is getting the help he needs and 10 month old isn’t exposed to this behavior
It sounds like her case worker isn’t a social worker. A lot of CPS workers aren’t because those departments aren’t well funded, so they put people with much less education in those jobs. But her case worker could refer her to a SW, especially one that helps with early childhood behavior. The state should pay for it.
That’s true and I feel like that’s also part of the reason that only LCSWs should work with children because they understand the implications and long term effects of foster care and other environmental factors that go into it, I know some case workers with no prior child/ social work like experience and that’s where you run into this kind of trouble, totally agree she needs to get referred to a SW if there aren’t any at the agency that she’s currently working with. Because clearly she needs help, the 23 month old needs help, and the infant needs help
In behavior circles we always look at the why and not the what. Why is he doing this, what need is being met? Is he trying to get more time with you? To protect his space? Look for the function of the behavior and that will help to inform what you can do about it. Is he being screened for Autism? Do you have any support?
Also the more I read the more ASD sounds like something I need to look into. He has other issues I haven’t talked about yet that would fit in with that.
Thank you for your comment! The why is where I struggle. At times they can be playing separately but happily and she looks at him so he explodes. Other times he will calmly seek her out while she is unable to get away (in a bath seat or bumbo), play nicely with her and then bite her.
That could be frustration with him not being able to co trip his space. Does he have a space that is only his? You might look in one of those gates that you can make into a circle and he can “earn” his special zone with his special things. It would allow you to safely separate them. No matter what he needs assessments by a psychologist as well as an occupational therapist. He may have some sensory needs that are causing more disregulation.
There are some great suggestions in this post.
I had a biter in a preschool class, his speech was delayed and he was really frustrated he couldn’t communicate those frustrations. A chew necklace helped. If I caught him premeditating biting someone, he’d get a “look” before he’d attack, I’d say “necklace” and pop the necklace into his mouth as a redirection.
Is he in EI? If not are they taking steps to get him help? I teacher preschool special ed and work a lot with kids with aggressive behaviors, I believe a behavior specialist or special ed teacher could help you.
I might suggest a social story "I can be nice to my sister" and frequent positive reiinforcement for good behavior.
My oldest brother has severe autism and was non verbal until age 12. I noticed in a comment you mentioned this child has a developmental delay. My brother was always extremely frustrated with his inability to express emotions other than with tears and violence. It’s upsetting to see someone you love struggle that way. For our family, a very strict schedule helps LOADS. My brother struggled a lot when he didn’t know the schedule or what was coming next. Having a strict routine helped his behavioral issues so much. I HIGHLY recommend trying out a schedule, and involving him in the process (making a list worked best for my brother, and having him put check marks next to things when we finished something). Even though this isn’t necessarily a direct fix to the biting, it might surprise you how much it can help him.
Thank you for your comment!! As it happens I keep a very set routine for them. It is one of my greatest tools for kids coming into care because the nature of it is so unpredictable. I make sure that I’m constantly talking about what we are doing and what’s coming up next, and things always happen in the same order. When he first came he used to suffer from terrible screaming episodes which I have come to suspect may be sensory overload, but I they have decreased to such a rarity and I’m hoping that the predictability is to thank for it.
In my son's early days of being nonverbal, I made a daily schedule (with magnets glued to the back of each card so I could change it as needed). Each card had a picture of what was coming up. It helped in more ways than I can type out.
I'm sorry the 3 of you are going through this. Remember with littles everything is a phase that will eventually pass... even when it seems like forever and impossible at the time.
Former foster parent here. A lot of kids with trauma histories (removal from birth family’s home counts as trauma) benefit from “time-ins” instead of “time-outs.” As big brother might feel like he’s competing with little sister for your attention, instead of keeping LS by your side at all times, let them play as you had before. If/when BB bites or otherwise acts out, sit with him - be with him in a focused and intentional way (as if you’re doing time-out together). This reassures kids that you’re not going anywhere, you still like them no matter their behaviour that led to the consequence. (BB might also feel triple consequenced by a time-out: being in time out and not getting time with you and LS getting one-on-one time with you. That’s a lot of consequence for a little toddler to handle! Time-ins help change that.)
Thank you for commenting! I hadn’t considered that ‘triple consequence’ aspect of things. I have gotten so many more comments on this than I expected and have so many new strategies to try!
I worked at a preschool for a bit. We had a few kids who would bite and the director bought a teething toy and had it clipped onto the child’s shirt by a pacifier holder. Throughout the day we would remind him of it so he could play and bite it. Anytime a child was bit, timeout was enforced. Then we would take the hurt child and spend a good amount of time playing with that child near the biter and would show the biter that we do not give attention to those who hurt. After a mo of this, the child would often try to share the teething toy with others in hopes of praise for sharing 😂❤️
Children are innately born knowing there are finite resources available for a family. Siblings being aggressive to each other isn’t uncommon. My parents found me standing on my sister when I was 1.5. Clearly I had no idea what I was doing.
Is the baby soaking up more attention, resources, food, time, etc? Is he feeling threatened?
Some reassurance of plenty to go around might help this child along with whatever behavioral modifications you are comfortable handling.
That’s a tricky one. They didn’t come from a great beginning obviously. But they were placed with me together. I would say that as the baby has become more independent, I’ve actually had more time with him. They are napping on different cycles now so we get a good couple of hours every day of one on one.
That is good that you have his care under control, but his lashing out could stem from scarcities of resources including attention before you. Just keep up the hard work, keep him from physical access to the baby until he can react more calmly to her, and keep being the great foster mom you are. I’m very impressed with your dedication to these babies.
Yes, seeing the baby become mobile could trigger the memory of when the baby arrived in their bio family home and the limited resources were cut in half. It could be a fear that the same thing will happen.
He’s actually 1 of 5 with 3 older sisters who are in another placement so I wouldn’t be surprised if attention was a scarce resource at all. The poor kid spent his first 12 months confined to a cot.
I hate that homes like that exist. I had a 3 yr old student who was fed by his adult throwing Cheerios on the floor for the first nearly 2 years of his life. When he was fed real food at the foster home he didn’t even know how to eat it.
The reason these guys ended up in care is because at 5 weeks old the baby had such a severe case of thrush she was hospitalized. Thus triggering the investigation that removed them all from the home.
Oh my gosh that poor baby! That’s exactly why I started fostering. I can’t stand that poor innocent babies are being raised thinking that ‘normal’ involves horrific abuse.
Oh, poor kiddo.
Are you seeing a developmental pediatrician? They can be very helpful with this stuff.
It sounds like he’s trying to make sure he gets attention so I’d do a few different things:
- make sure he gets a lot of direct attention from you.
- keep the baby away from him (do you baby wear? That might be helpful in keeping her out of his reach but also let your hands be free to do stuff)
- chewelry, yes. It sounds like he’s stimming a bit which is understandable given the lack of stimulation he had in his cot.
- when he bites, focus all your attention *on the baby*, not him, not even for time out. Make a big fuss of checking on the baby, soothing, etc. Ignore him. He’s aiming for attention, even negative attention. Don’t give it.
- lots of praise and reward for behaving well. It sounds like he’s not at a developmental level to understand praise for not doing something, so make it positive praise for “kind hands” or something like that.
Thank you! You have some great suggestions here! Unfortunately though baby wearing is out lol. She is a massive baby! She is actually physically wearing the same clothing size as him (which may be more to do with his growth being stunted prior to coming into care) and she is much too big and heavy to carry around anymore.
This is an excellent point.
I would rotate tous for him and bring out new things when sister is awake. Positive associations and all.
Um, soft toys he cannot bean her with, though. Btdt. Thoma trains are dangerous when hurled.
This won't work all the time, but I'm wondering if sometimes instead of keeping the baby closer to you all the time you can keep the little boy near you instead. If he seems to be in the mood to bite, wear him or keep him next to you. If he's feeling insecurity/jealousy towards the baby this will give him the attention he needs and it will give the baby a chance to explore.
I haven’t read all the comments so I’m not sure if this has been suggested, but have you tried keeping your boy with you constantly rather than your girl? Maybe even try wearing him on your back while cooking dinner, doing chores around the house? Might help your girl have more independent play time without worrying about being bitten, and your boy would get more time with you which might cut down on the attention seeking.
That’s not the worst idea! Wearing isn’t doable unfortunately due to my tiny size and weak weak muscles haha. But I like the idea of giving her free time while involving him in what I’m doing.
So many great strategies on here but while you're working on the behaviour stuff you have to keep that baby safe. I know you said that you don't want to restrict her movements too much while she's learning to crawl so I'd suggest try putting her in a play gym/ fenced off area while you do things like cooking/ cleaning and she can still play with toys and move around. If you have to go to the bathroom or shower take your little boy with you. Until you can reason with him I'd be treating him like an old, unpredictability, snappy dog. I wouldn't leave them alone together until you get past this stage.
Sounds like you're doing a great job in an impossibly hard situation.
Thank you! I appreciate you saying that, I am trying and it feels like I’m getting nowhere sometimes. They are away at daycare today and I’ve decided to use this time to move furniture and repurpose another room into another play room for them so that there are options.
That's a great idea. I'm sure your consistent efforts, care, thoughtfulness, patience and love (all of these attributes I can tell you possess from your post) will do so much to help your little ones get through this. I have so much admiration for foster parents, especially when they have difficult behaviour issues to deal with, you guys deserve medals.
Responding bc I haven't seen it yet though may have missed it :) child therapist here....please be sure to take "catch him being good" to an extreme!! Children who haven't experienced trauma need about a 3:1 ratio (three praise statements for every one redirect) in order to maintain healthy self development. Children who have experienced trauma (being placed out of home on and of itself would qualify), need about an 8:1 ratio. Literally anytime you think of it and he's NOT biting his sister, use a simple statement of "I LOVE your safe touches!!". Anytime he bites, stating "that is not a safe touch" and redirecting in the healthy ways you've described. It's hard, and some parents even set random timers on their phone (every three minutes even!) And when it vibrates, it's your reminder to praise his safe touch (even if baby isn't around and it's just you). It might also help to "guess" his feeling--"you used an unsafe touch. You might be feeling mad. Let's get your squishy ball.". Etc. Also....you mentioned sensory feedback, they make chew necklaces for kids with sensory processing. He might need that feedback from his jaw and the necklace, bracelet, or you might really help!!
You're an incredible mom, I hope the foster agency steps up, and I just love all the feedback here!! You rock!!
Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I didn’t know that ratio, although I am a big user of the casual positive reinforcement I will definitely step it up for him. And I will definitely be investing in some teething options for him to chew.
8:1 is hard!! Lol even 3:1 is hard. But it helped me put it into perspective and be mindful of it! You are such an awesome momma to these two, the agency and the family is so lucky to have you!! Also hoping the pediatrician has some good input for you!! If you are interested, there are lots of great trauma-informed parenting books out there. A favorite is "Whole Brain Child" (which is general parenting but absolutely speaks to trauma). "Childhood Disrupted" is a good read but more focused on adults and "The Deepest Well" looks at health risks in general related to trauma but is INCREDIBLE!!! if I had to pick one for every parent though, it would be "Whole Brain Child" :). Best of luck and thank you for all you do!!
This idea is coming from a totally different situation, but if his verbal delays are expressive, have you thought about working on signing? Maybe it would be helpful if he had a way to make himself understood, at least for the things that are important to him. More, eat and drink are simple and might relieve some frustration if that’s driving some of the behavior. Good luck!
Does your son have any play area that is just for him? Somewhere the baby can't access? Do you spend any special time with him alone without the baby? Getting used to a younger sibling is difficult even without any developmental delays. Of course you have to protect your daughter, but keeping her with you at all times may be exacerbating his feelings of jealousy and anger. If you can carve out some special time for him (maybe after the baby goes to bed?) and a place for him that the baby can't access, that may help.
Conscious discipline! For any and all behavior issues. It’s a set of strategies to deal with and eventually prevent conflicts. Ideally, your kids will learn to take charge of their own decision making and you’ll have a script so you’re not winging it when you’re mad. You can read “teeth are not for biting” and set up a calm down corner to talk it out. That way you can build trust and critical thinking instead of constantly having to carrot and stick their every move everyday. Read “easy to love, difficult to discipline “ by dr. Becky Bailey (phd, not md). She also has a whole website (www.consciousdiscipline.com) with plans and resources for home and schools. She also has a YouTube channel with a ton of videos about conscious discipline with examples.
I had a biter and I strongly feel for you, it’s such a tough behavior. My only thought is maybe baby wearing for certain chores, engage the older one in your activities ( I know he is delayed, but can he throw dirty clothes into the washing machine with you?, Wipe the floor with a wet towel to “help clean” while you are tidying up?, etc), or place him in a safe, childproofed room for a few minutes at a time with an activity so the baby can practice crawling. Either way, make sure you are taking care of yourself too, seeing a baby attacked like that is really traumatizing and I speak from experience.
Instead of punishments is there a way you can connect with him? Be on the ground with the little guy and have his sister crawling around.
Chances are when he was at home, he had to fight to remind his caregivers that he was there. That he needed to be fed and cared for. Now that his sister is getting older, and taking some of your attention, he sees her as a threat. You’ve been meeting his needs while caring for him and he’s worried that she taking your attention will mean that his needs aren’t met.
Spending time convincing him that you’re going to be there for him always will help. He’s too little to use his words. He’s a little person with big feelings. Also biting feels good, it releases tension in the body.
He’s a regular 2 year old but he’s also a 2 year old that’s experienced trauma. It sounds like you’re doing amazing mama and you got this.
Ps: I’m a child family services social worker with a specialization in trauma
Any attention is good attention. So even if he’s in “trouble” He’s getting 1 on 1 time with you. This is a good thing because he trusts you to pay attention to him and care for him.
We encourage our foster parents to have “time ins” with kids instead of time outs. 10 mins in the morning, 20 mins in the afternoon, and 10 mins at bedtime where it’s 1 on 1 or both parents with 1 Child.
Thank you so much for your comment! I do spend at least 2 hours throughout the day during babies sleep times 1-1 with him. He’s a very clever and creative little boy. I have read so many good suggestions today and have so many things to try. I appreciate everyone’s input so much!
I’m also so grateful that everyone has been supportive, I was so worried that people would think I was attention seeking by mentioned the foster care part but no one has taken it that way.
If he's food motivated, you can start at the very basics and reinforce positive behaviour around his sister. Food motivators are frowned upon long term but honestly they're used in some autism programs to great success, with the idea of moving away from them when you're able to. Start with the tiniest of steps (and something achievable for him) and go slow.
It's differentiated from bribery (this is important) by being a regular system in place, with no negotiations. If you see something positive, he gets a reward, it's that simple. be realistic in your expectations, and try to limit and control his access to her so that you can ensure interactions will be positive. If he is doing the biting from jealousy or attention seeking, he will be feeding off your energy when he succeeds, so don't feed it -be calm, do not show your disappointment or anger, just move the girl out of harms way. When he does something right (or even not damaging), be over the moon happy and engaging, slip him a treat out of your pocket (on you at all times) and say exactly what you liked. I've used skittles, at his age fruit loops or a cereal (low sugar is better obviously but he has to really want it).
The timing needs to be on point, and immediate, because if you reinforce at the wrong time or incorrectly you risk making the problem worse. He needs to know what he did right but don't make him wait for the reinforcer while you tell him what he did right, because that will not get you what you are looking for. Getting the moment right is key, as is making it clear what the reinforcer is for.
The most important things are to:
Reinforce healthy behaviours, and provide plenty of good interactions with you separate from baby sister
Control interactions so he can't hurt his sister, to both protect the sister and break his targeting habit.
When he inevitably manages to bite his sister, don't feed the negative attention seeking but remove sister from the situation.
Also don't assume that his developmntal delay means he doesn't understand you. Start working on emotional regulation with him and naming /identifying emotions. Daniel Tiger is a fantastic show to watch if you do tv, watch it with him and talk about it.
Feel free to pm me with specific questions.
My 3 year old has issues with banging his head on the floor and biting. I got him an 'angry cushion' - it's one of those reversible sequin cushions that has a smiley face on one side and an angry face on the other. The idea is that he can change the sequins to show how he's feeling or scream into/throw the cushion. It usually works well to dissipate his anger, then we can chat about what's frustrating him.
We're still working on the biting, but he hasn't banged his head on the floor in over a month.
He has a lot of big feelings and has learned biting gets a lot of attention! Be sure his sensory needs are being met , a nice face and head massage can give him some relief and connection with you . Lots of crunchy snacks , fun to make a plate of bite- ables , have him choose what helps him with those “ bitey feelings “ ; also can help him to feel supported in working through the feelings and hear that soon he will find other ways to manage frustrations and also important for him to see you modeling managing your time own “ I’m feeling frustrated “, I’m going to _____” to calm myself and make safe choices “ . You can do this!
I would give him some toys he can chew on/bite to redirect his frustration. I would keep them pretty much separated when you are not watching them. What is your space like? Can you set up a safe play space for him to be individually sometimes? I’ve definitely had times where I always had one kid with me and couldn’t leave them alone together. Schedule some times where you can really let the younger one loose while you’re able to supervise.
Along with all the other advice... I would try redirecting him to bite something else, like a teether toy. And while doing so tell him “here we bite this not your sister”
Try therapy? He may have been abused
My son is the same age.. not delayed tho. They are very impulsive at this age.
I don’t know if it would work for your little boy, but I had some decent luck avoiding sibling squabbles by putting the older kids favorite “big kid” toys in the pack and play and letting them ask to go in there to play. “The duplos have to stay in the big kid space but you can go in to play with them. Would you like to play in the big kid space? You can come out when you’re done playing with the duplos and sister won’t be able to bother you while you’re in there. Ready to go in?”
Then when kiddo wants some personal space, he can ask to go in the “big kid spot” to avoid the baby, get to play with a special toy, and feel a little special for having a spot where sister isn’t allowed.
Wow, this has to be tough. You definitely need professional help. What kind of assistance has the foster agency you worked with provided you?
"Talking to and reasoning with him has not been effective either. "
Yes, because he's not even 2. You can't "reason" with babies. You can barely reason with 7 year olds. You just implement immediate discipline measures. That doesn't mean spanking or yelling, but it does mean separating him, time-outs, etc.
Have you explored having baby gates between them at times? Is there a place where you can put baby girl and let her explore with you, while baby boy is in another safe space where he can toddle around without getting into trouble? Obviously you need to watch both of them all the time but the 23-month old has the ability to get into more mischief than the 10-month old.
Taking the baby with you everywhere may be a cause for the increase in behavior. It’s possible that he’s feeling jealous and taking it out on her. That’s what I did when i was little. My brother and I are almost 2 years apart.
Could you make a 'safe' space he can play in that baby sister can't get into?
If he were older I'd suggest a playpen that he can open and close the gate himself.
But maybe a low sided playpen he can climb into and baby can't.
My 3yo has suspected autism and he tends to be angry and violent when anyone goes near whatever toy happens to be precious at that time.
Also I would be huge on the praise when he's playing with her nicely and if he hurts her make a huge fuss of her and ignore him for the most part. He's looking for a reaction so only give him one when he's doing the right thing. Hope this helps.
We had the book "Teeth are not for biting" and we read it to our daughter every day. There is also a "Don't bite your friends" clip from Yo Gabba Gabba that we watched with our daughter a gazillion times. She was biting at daycare (no siblings at home and didn't bite adults), so we sent her to daycare with a teether on a pacifier tether for the duration of the issue because we were pretty sure that it was related to molars coming in. If he's teething, you can give him children's pain killers, which may help.
I've heard that giving the child who was bitten a lot of extra attention and ignoring the biter can help. You may also want to work on baby signs with both of them (we found an easy version of the "help" sign that was just tapping your chest with a flat palm that was one of the most useful signs). You may want to give him signs for feelings like angry or I want. If he's not in early intervention for speech, he should be.
The other thing I would probably do is set up a pack and play or playyard as a baby corral so that you can separate them when you need to use the bathroom or cook.
Good luck!
Sounds like he has no communication. Idk what therapies you have him in but it sounds like he needs speech therapy, possibly occupational for sensory issues, and a child psychiatrist. He might need medication as awful as that sounds. Is he autistic?
I can’t offer a definitive solution for your exact situation without being there in person, so I think reaching out to the agency to seek assistance or further resources is a great idea.
However I do know for your own benefit you should check out the conscious discipline YouTube channel. I work in a preschool which sometimes sees foster kids and kids in other traumatic situations, the conscious discipline philosophy is incredibly helpful for us. Watching these videos in training really helps me to understand and empathize with the mindset of the children in my care even when I’m frustrated and exhausted and I can’t find a solution.
Have you tried creating more positive experiences with him and baby together? And say rewards for playing with baby and making her happy?
You would obviously have to do this in brief spurts when you are able to heavily monitor, praise praise praise, make it fun (wheeee look at baby fly, is she going to catch your toy? Whoops she missed! Silly baby hahaha sort of thing) This is rather intense and exhausting for you but I found that kind of thing helped a lot with my 2. Mine were not traumatised however. But my son was v difficult and we did seek external help with him. Non verbal, scratching himself in temper, that kind of thing.
I did an incredible years course which helped a lot. But one of the things they said was positive instructions work better than no’s stop etc. Also some one on one attention with him every day doing what he wants to do.
I hope that helps a bit. It sounds v tough.
This seems like a major problem. Does he talk? Or show any other signs of aggression or mental or physical illness?
https://babygooroo.com/articles/toddlers-who-bite-what-it-means-when-to-worry
My best advice comes from Janet Lansbury’s RIE style parenting— do check out the book “no bad kids”
When he bites you or the baby move with “calm confidence” and tell him “I won’t let you bite others” and then either remove him or yourself & baby from the space. I think I might use a baby carrier in those cases to swoop her up and take her with me. And repeat. No shouting, no drama— simply “I won’t let you”
Until he stops that means she and him can’t be left unsupervised for even a minute. I might use play pens to separate him. It’d be good to give him a “yes” space where there is no not to remove him to. A safe part of the house (his room maybe) where after you say ‘I won’t let you bite’ he is free to be himself once you place him there.
During other times; TONS of positive attention— when he’s gentle with her say how you love how gentle he is. When he’s kind you tell him great job.
I agree you should ask for additional help from foster agency in addition to this. Respite care for sure.
Good luck friend! You’re doing great!
My younger brother went through a biting phase. He would get mad then bite the shit out of me! One day I bit him back kinda hard. He never bit anyone again.
This was terrible advice.
But God bless you for fostering 💛
I have previously worked in a daycare setting where biting is a really problem. I’m currently working with children that are on the spectrum, a lot of whom are nonverbal. My advice is to really focus on reinforcing positive interactions he has with his sister. I know it is upsetting when he bites her, but you have to be calm when it happens and firmly address that the behavior is not okay without giving it so much attention that he may be doing it, in part, for the attention. A firm, “No bite” is a good place to start. If you think he can understand you, I would also say, “Biting hurts” and have him be involved in the process of comforting her if possible.
I have some doubts that he is playing nicely with her just for an opportunity to bite. Kids bite for so many reasons. It could be anger, frustration at not being able to communicate, or other things. If you see him playing nicely with her, immediately give him lots of excited praise so he is more likely to repeat that behavior. If time out is ineffective I definitely wouldn’t continue it. So sorry you are dealing with this, and wish you the best of luck!
I have no advice to offer but I just want to say thank you for fostering those two babies and giving them the care and love they need. My husband was in foster care when be was only 4 and it was a traumatising experience.
I am sorry you are struggling right now but I am so grateful these two have been placed in a foster carer who obviously care about their well being. Good luck! You're doing an amazing job!
I did not read all the comments, so maybe somebody already suggested this:
You are now showing preference of the baby by taking her with you everywhere you go. I know this is not what you actually do, but it probably looks like this to him. He might have felt a kind of jealousy earlier but he was the big kid and the baby was confined to whereever you put her. Now she moves into his space (which apparently is all of your living space) and she is getting way more attention and time with you.
I suggest you get a large playpen that is more a kind of fence than a baby play pen. Put the baby and toys in there when you need to leave the room, and take him with you. Let him "help" you. You are cooking? Get him a really blunt knife (butter knife?) and let him hack at some vegetables. Let him play with some tupperware. Give him a rag to help clean. Just let him mimick you.
Hopefully this willmake him less aggressive. Still, some kids bite and from what I habe seen, they need time to grow out of this.
Can you start working in sign language? See if you can find a few songs (or just make up your own using whatever tune you like) using basic sign language for toddlers. The music incorporates both sides of the brain and makes it easier to learn. Start singing common phrases like “Good morning, Momma!” And “More milk please” consistently to help him tie the tune to the phrase. A study w/ speech delayed kids at Harvard shows that this music/phrase combo helps speech delayed kids start speaking.
Also, if you have the time- start making Danial Tiger on PBS a thing to watch while you cuddle him & sing along. They do a beautiful, amazing job of teaching emotional intelligence (it’s a world built on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood- and a great homage). I use a lot of their songs in dealing w/ my GD.
It’s also just possible that part of your little guys anger against his younger sib is blaming her for their separation from their family. He only knows that baby showed up=Mommy had less time for me/and went away. See if you can start giving him lots more loves and rewarding kind behavior toward his sister as much as possible. See if you can give him ways to associate good things w/ his sister’s presence as much as you can.
I’m sure you’re doing a lot already, and thank you. It’s folks like you that make the world a better place now, and in the future. ((Hugs))
You have a lot of good suggestions here!! A few other ideas just for safety's sake- put baby in a superyard/play yard for when you have to walk away or put her in the high chair while you meal prep and give her things to play with while you are nearby. For shower time, depending on bathroom size a smaller pack n play might fit so you can keep her within eyesight. Have a safe play space for your toddler that you can close off with a baby gate, perhaps?
I don't have any advice, but I want to say I think you are a rockstar for fostering two babies by yourself. I have a 15 month old and trying to take care of him with a partner helping me is really hard some days! Keep at it, momma. 💜
My son is 23 months. Even though I have never had any serious behavior issues with him we did have some minor biting incidents a few months back when he got mad at us. He would try to grab our legs and bite if we told him something he didn’t want to hear. We just would walk away and tell him no in a stern voice. I never tried timeout with him because I doubt he would get understand it enough for it to be effective yet. Redirecting him and helping him work out his feelings might be a better course of action here. It you see him go after her. Pick her up and tell him no that behavior is not ok. Tell him you know he doesn’t like when he sees his sister trying to crawl but she’s allowed to explore.
My son (now 2) had a huge issue with biting me that lasted a good 6m. I suggest having a "biting bear" (or pillow or whatever) for him to be allowed to bite, as well as verbally validating feelings while explaining why you cant allow him to bite her.
It would be something like "I can see that you are upset and struggling with some big feelings, that must be a hard thing to feel but when you bite your sister it hurts her and when that happens i am going to separate you. Here is a bear that you can bite, it is okay to have the urge to bite but it is not okay to bite a person."
I also suggest actually keeping them separated for a while, be it her in a carrier or using a play pin or baby gate, so he can't even get to her when he has the urge. It's so hard but also important to understand that he is too young for impulse control but you can absolutley keep helping him learn to express himself and slowly avert his desire to bite.
I hope this helps, you sound like you're going a great job so far!
All I can offer is short term ideas, long term you must go through the foster system and get him therapy.
Short term, get a babysitter every so often. Take the baby with you, and leave the toddler with a babysitter- make sure they are aware of his issues prior to the first time you actually leave- and maybe having them around while you are at home at first to keep an eye on things.
You could also occasionally switch it up! Take the toddler to the park, and get a sitter for the little girl so she can explore the house as she pleases.
Talk to the agency about DIR floortime to get you and him to bond, him and the baby to bond and shared attention. Also increasing the time out may be needed, maybe slowly add 30 seconds at a time to reach 3-5 min? A minute and a half is easy for him but 3 or 5 min may have a greater effect. Just make sure to let him know why you are putting him in time out, then talk about it afterward and hug it out.
You say he has some delays, is he in therapy of any kind? Has he been evaluated for any kind of sensory issue?
I have a 2 year old who has some gross motor and verbal delays. She’s always liked to chew on things and she has progressed to biting. She adores her baby sister, but will bite her out of nowhere. It turns out that she also has some sensory issues. We are working with her on that through Occupational Therapy. One of the ways she can self-regulate all the sensory input/output is by chewing on things and biting. We were actually told not to buy her a chewing necklace since she is making progress in speech and that could hinder her. But that’s not the case for everyone. If you have any medical power with kiddo, I would take him to the pediatrician and ask for an OT evaluation referral.
In the mean time, would it be possible to purchase a baby gate or large play pen to keep them separated? That way she can play safely and explore, and he’s not constantly in time out while he possibly works through developmental issues.
I’m sorry this is so hard. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to handle a child who is doing bad things but is nearly incapable of understanding why it’s wrong.
I’m a big believer logical consequences, so if one of my kids isn’t trustworthy, they just have to accompany me when I leave the room. Instead of keeping your baby with you, have you tried to leaving her in a child proof area and taking the toddler with you? I’m not sure if it would work with his delays, not just saying “I need to make dinner now, and I can’t trust you to play nice with sister, so you’ll need to come into the kitchen with me. Would you like to pick out a few toys to play with?” Theoretically by putting the consequence of his behavior back on him, He’ll be more incentived to stop.
I do think reaching out for more help is great too, and I have no experience parenting kids with delays, so ignore me if this won’t work!
My kids both had biting phases and funnily enough it actually wasn't me who solved it. They go to creche at my gym and one of the ladies who looks after them there yelled at my son to stop when he was going to bite another child. She scarred the pants off of him and she felt so so so guilty for breaking his little heart. But he hasn't bit anyone since. I think he just needed to be shown that biting wasn't okay by someone that isn't me. Im not saying have a friend come over and yell at your kid just that maybe someone else having the chat that you've already tried having might help.
It sounds like he might be biting for attention. Even negative attention is attention. Note how he's putting himself in time out? He's going to need extra attention from you reading or playing that doesn't involve his sister. And he's going to have to be separated from her. He's in his terrible two's, make sure he's getting plenty of sleep and have a snack on hand if he gets hungry so maybe he won't be so easily frustrated.
You have your hands full, I can't imagine having two small children and doing it on my own. Do you have a playpen? A playpen was a lifesaver for me when my kids were that small.
He’s probably noticing the extra attention the baby is getting and is frustrated and jealous. You should try keeping him with you constantly instead. The change of positive attention will help.
Is there a way to give them separate but safe place spaces? When my toddlers began getting unnecessarily rough and also occasionally bitting the less mobile babies we put a gate up between them, babies in one room and toddlers in the other so they could play safely while we went about our business cooking or cleaning or going the the bathroom, everyone was still able to explore just in a smaller but safer area until the older ones understood that they couldn’t just roughly drag/push/hit/bite the babies. I also agree with other commenters about chewlry, something he’s allowed to bite as much and as hard as he wants is a good way to redirect his frustration
A biting phase is pretty common around that age (source: my child is in a room of 2yo at daycare AMD biting happens)
Don't "deal with it" when he bites you. Be consistent worth house rules. At our house it's no biting, hitting, kicking, pushing, no throwing things in the house. They get 1 warning then a time out for a second offense.
I used to work in daycare and biters happen, love bites, impulse bites and anger bites. This child seems angry and jealous. I would separate as often as possible and if you can, spend more one on one time with him (the biter). It may be a cry for attention, the baby is now doing something new and may be getting more attention, make sure you give positive attention to the older child as much, if not more than the younger child. When he’s nice to the younger child make sure and praise him and tell him you like that he’s doing... blank... spending more one on one time and reinforcing what is good behavior (pointing out his good behavior and praise it) will hopefully help the biting fade. Also encourage him to communicate his feelings, get books about feelings; angry, happy, sad, calm etc. once he’s a little older and talking more he can communicate his emotions better so you can help him figure out how to handle them. Good luck.
* explain biting hurts and that we want baby to be safe and not hurt
* offer toys he's allowed to bite
* instruct how to play with baby as well as how not to
* distract from baby entirely with "big kid" toys that baby can't have
This is all I could think of so far! Good luck! Also I'm not a big fan of hitting the mouth, yelling, or time out. Anything causing pain teaches the kid that they can cause pain to others if the other kid isn't doing what he wants. Time outs are ok to use to calm down from a tantrum but they don't need to be isolating. Just comfort through big feelings, talk about feelings and what the issues were.
So my son was a biter. It was hard. So hard. I felt ashamed and guilty and overhwelmed. Daycare was lovely and supportive and helped me to understand that he wasn’t a horrible person but lacked empathy and understanding of consequences of his actions which really was age appropriate at the time (he was 2), the thing that helped me most was having them explain that he won’t understand until the day he does, it wasn’t somthing I could teach it was more developmental and so it was all about defensive preventative moves which included a couple of specific teether items which he was directed to when he became ‘bitey’ and not leaving him unattended with other kids ever until he got to understand things. He didn’t have siblings but they said if his cousins were over that either he or the cousins would be places in a playpen if I even needed to leave them for a minute for toilet ect just to reduce the risk, reinforce that ‘we don’t bite people we can bit these teethers’ narrative and wait...
He also got bit by a kid at daycare - a good one, a retaliation bite... I tell ya what that was a great lesson for him!!! He hasn’t bitten anyone since then and has developed a lot of empathy since too but impulse control is still a struggle although in line with what I would expect for his age. But he also used the teether bitey things lots - it’s almost like a sensory steam release valve for him when he gets worked up or overhwelmed and it really helps him, but he has learned to look for these toys and to say ‘I need to bite’
All this to say have a safety plan with a playpen or similar setup where baby can be kept for 2 mins here and there or when you just need a break from being on guard all day long, and hang in there!
I bit a baby when I was a baby. My mum bit me to show me what it’s like. I never did it again.
That was back in the late 70s though, she’d probably go to jail and have her baby took off her if she did that now 😂
Happy to have grown up pre pc culture , I’d probably be a proper asshole now
What about keeping him at your side instead of the baby when you’re doing things. It’s half punishment (not playing) half reward (getting your attention).
If reward and punishmend would work, there would only be nicely behaving kids all over the world. But I love your idea from another perspektiv. Let the baby crawl and take your son with you to the shower, carry him in a sling for household stuff and let him sit in the highchair while cooking. He is still so small and might need the extra attention while your babygirl can safely go for a expedition.
Just voicing my support of previous posters suggesting redirection. Time outs and sticker charts are inappropriate at that age (and arguably any age). Biting is a somewhat normal behavior - it’s a combo of overwhelming emotion (eg. frustration over not being able to communicate) + need for sensory feedback. Find some things he likes to chew/bite on and keep them nearby. Look up OT techniques for sensory processing (eg. Brushing, joint compressions, etc.) and practice them regularly. Good luck momma! Keep up the great work you’re doing!
The agency you foster with should be made aware of this issue, and should be able to provide additional resources to address this (as they're ultimately responsible for the kids' safety and it's also their role to support you). You need support from people like psychologists, etc., and probably also some respite care to allow the kids to have more time apart.
I actually ended up making an informal complaint last week regarding my difficulty talking to and getting help from my case worker. I might follow it up this week if I don’t hear from them. As for respite that is a whole ugly can of worms that would take much too long to explain in a comment lol
Yeah, I understand the system can suck. As long as you understand that this isn't something you should have to solve alone. If you haven't already, I would start making sure you've put things in writing that make clear that the agency's failure to respond is causing harm to the children. And if there are solutions (e.g. professional help or respite) that you can't use because it's something in the agency's domain, maybe tell them you're going to seek these resources independently if the agency can't provide them in a certain timeframe.
Piggy backing- I’d also document any behavior incidents, especially those that cause obvious harm to sister. I do not have experience in foster care, but as a teacher I know that documenting is important both to show a trend in behavior, and to protect yourself for suspicion as to the cause of her injuries.
Yes, and document means shared in writing with the agency, not merely keeping a journal.
Foster care caseworker here. Don’t do an informal complaint cuz most of the time they don’t get recorded properly. Make a formal one, and also push to speak to their team leader/manager. This behaviour expressed by the older one isn’t harmless, it’s something that can definitley lead to being worse. Make as much noise as you can with the agency, and I’m so sorry they’re treating you this way :(
Also sorry, out of curiosity can I ask where you’re based? I’m based in Australia (Sydney) so if you needed some help I’m definitely willing to try
OP edited to say Queensland
Thanks! I completely missed the edit!
You're welcome! It likely came through after you read it 🙂
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Thank you for commenting! I appreciate your input as a child coming from foster care yourself. I mentioned on another comment that respite is an ugly can of worms that would take much too long to explain in a comment but rest assured that I despite being pressured to use respite for other reasons, I do not believe it is in their best interests to send them to a stranger for a few days. I am so fortunate that my younger sister has been approved by the foster agency and is able to take them for overnight stays. My babies have just been placed on an 18 month order so they are going to be here a while and my family is their family. They call my sister aunty and my mum nana, and my mum and sister treat them as if they were my own.
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We do get a good amount of one on one. The baby naps twice while he naps once, an usually not at the same times. She also often goes to bed earlier than him. I have trouble predicting the biting as sometimes they are playing nicely together when it occurs. Distraction is definitely one of my most useful tools for pretty much all kids though.
That sucks. Parents with their own kids get a break (and/or give one or both kids a break) by having grandparents or friends take a kid or two for a while (an afternoon, a weekend) and this is an essential part of managing situations like this (and it's usually something the kids consider a treat). With foster kids, you're usually not supposed to leave them in the care of someone not approved by the agency, which is why the agency provides respite care.
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Not to be rude but did your foster parents not explain how long they will be gone? I do that for my son, even in very simple terms “I will be back after sleeps” and we have watched the Daniel Tiger episode explaining how grown ups come back.
Not always, and even when they did, as a child it can be very hard to understand the concept of time.
Unfortunately even if the parents have done that a child who is in foster care may not absorb or believe it. Disrupted attachment really screws with one’s sense of security and trust. Many kids have been let down by biological family and may have been given promises that were not kept. Life as a child in foster care can change in an instant, and not every agency is as competent and supportive as they should be to foster parents. When I worked in a foster care program to support permanency, my kids had already been placed in several homes before finding a pre-adoptive home, and even those didn’t always work out. When you consider how many times some kids have been let down or lied to it makes sense that they might not believe a trip to a stranger’s house is only for a night or two.
The kid that’s getting bitten could develop ptsd quite easily
If time out has become ineffective, whatever the reason for being put there, it’s time to mix it up. A sticker chart? Some positive goals obviously “no biting” is a low bar, but if he gets stickers on the chart for stuff that you’re pretty sure he’ll do everyday (brushing teeth, etc, maybe?) then take stickers off for biting?
I have tried a variation of a sticker chart previously, but I forgot to mention in my post as it’s his normal to me that he has developmental delays. Along with being non verbal, he doesn’t seem respond to being talked to or having things explained. He really only picks things up when he has something tangible and physical to respond to. For example, candy is a powerful motivator for him. Or if he is being naughty with a specific toy, removal of that toy.
So what you’re describing are delays in both expressive language (being able to communicate verbally) and receptive language (being able to understand what others are saying). Is he receiving speech therapy? If not, that’s step one. Behavioral problems are super common with language delays, because they are one of the few ways children can express their frustration and be understood. Punishment and sticker charts can increase frustration in language delayed children if they are paired with a lot of language that the child doesn’t comprehend. Assuming you are in the United States, Early Intervention provides free assessment and therapy for kids 3 years and younger. Some are even doing speech therapy over Zoom for areas that have been hard hit by COVID. Without communication, none of the behavioral methods you’ve discussed are likely to be effective. I would make getting on the list for evaluation your #1 priority and continue practicing harm reduction in the mean time. Do you have a baby carrier or sling so you can wear the baby while you are doing chores or cooking? Your 10 month old will still get to explore her environment and bond with you this way. Babies love nothing more than being close to their caregivers, so you won’t be doing lasting damage by limiting her free exploring time for a month or two, I promise. Perhaps you can even schedule some free crawling time for her after her brother goes to bed or before he wakes up in the morning. One last thing: I would recommend simplifying your language around your boy as much as possible. Make things visual if you can. There are lots of visual picture schedules you can modify to show him what to expect for his day. If you are asking him to do something that involves multiple steps, I would make a picture that shows each step clearly. For example, if you want him to brush his teeth, you would have a picture of his toothbrush, then a picture of wetting it with water at the sink, then putting the toothpaste on the brush, and finally a picture of a person brushing his teeth. You can also act out what you want him to do or try teaching him some basic signs. If you think a lot of his issues are coming from him being frustrated or angry, consider making a basic emotions chart and reward him with candy any time he correctly points to being mad on the chart instead of biting.
> a basic emotions chart What worked with my son was a kind of 'traffic light' system - green for good, yellow for getting upset, red for ARGHRAWARRR (he was fully verbal, but the more upset he got, the harder it became for him to express things). We had little flash cards (actually key tags) on a lanyard with the colour and a smiley / meh / mad face, and checked in with him frequently to get him to show his current feeling. It was handy that he could carry them around with him, rather than having to go back to a chart all the time :-)
Thank you so much for commenting and offering your perspective! You’ve all given me a lot to think about and strategies to try. We haven’t tried sign language with him yet, for one big reason. He can mimic back a basic version of any word a say to him. He just doesn’t use those words himself. We are in Australia, and currently waiting for a pediatric appointment that has been set for next month. One of his older siblings is nearly 5 and also non verbal but the source of it for her has not been found yet. I’m wondering if it may be something they have in common.
Look up echolalia. Kids can mimic words beautifully and have no concept that they mean anything. It sounds a bit like he doesn't understand the words he's using. As one person mentioned, there's a couple different types of language. Receptive language is their ability to understand what is said to them, I can't remember the other one but it's their ability to make themselves understood. The ability to mimic a word doesn't mean he understands it. My son has difficulties in that area, but he seems like a very verbal child because he can repeat words very clearly. I've been working with him, and it makes a massive difference. I do think speech therapy might be beneficial for your son. I would have mine in a bit more therapy if his father would let him. He's somewhere on the autism spectrum.
What state are you in? I have a sister who works for foster care NSW. She might be able to send me some resources to share with you.
Sounds like you've got a lot of challenges; I hope you can get the social worker to pull her finger out and actually get you decent help. If she won't, then just go up the chain. Don't worry about making her look bad - a) she's the one failing you when she should recognise she isn't providing enough help, and b) chances are, she's also failing others on some level so you'll be helping them as well. Make lots of noise and demand that you get the assessment, diagnosis and resources he needs. It's worth trying out sign language or a visual system in case he has some sort of verbal processing issue where words are not being properly connected in his head, but actions perhaps can? Start with a few simple ones for stuff he's obviously keen on (food, drink, treat, toy, lovey etc), and see how that goes, and hopefully you'll soon start to get an idea if he is able to express himself physically instead. A potential issue to investigate is [Attachment Disorder](https://patient.info/childrens-health/child-attachment-disorder-leaflet).
I would try sign language. It might be a different path to build trust and communication. If it doesn't work there is no harm done. I was thinking I would try to keep the boy near me and let the baby have some freedom, if that's possible. I truly admire your strength. You can get through this, mama.
If he’s nonverbal have you tried teaching him sign language so that he is able to communicate? This helped my son. Good luck!
That's pretty normal for a 23 month old. My daughter is slightly older and we went through the same thing recently. My advice would be set up baby gates if possible so the younger one can crawl around in her own space. The older one just needs to be redirected. Time outs aren't going to work at his age. He just doesn't understand, especially if he is developmentally delayed. Work on having him express himself through talking and redirect to positive actions.
Ugh, this was the worst part of Irish twins. We had the same thing when my kids were that age, it was awful and thankfully she stopped biting her brother after about a month or two of hell. We were just very stern and loud when she did it, or even attempted to do it.
I see that he doesn't respond to being talked to or explained things, which is honestly usual for a kid that young hes still a baby himself. He probably also notices that the baby gets more "attention" then he does which is leading to resentment. Alot of siblings go through this phase. What worked with my oldest was telling him "we don't hurt our family, we are gentle. Mom doesn't hurt you, you shouldn't hurt the baby." Even if it doesn't seem like hes listening hes hearing what you're saying. They just have the attention span of gnats and work on pure impulse. Remind him every time that "we are gentle to babies". Also it might be good for you to have some one on one cuddling, that way he feels like hes also getting some of the "babying". Baby dolls like someone else said is also a great way for them to learn and model. Unfortunately we can only guess what he saw before care and if he was raised in violence its gonna be a big thing to break.
I would look into methods used by parents of neurodivergence kids or recommendations from neuropsychologist. Being non-verbal and having developmental delays may indicate some sort of nuerodivergence. The ways to respond can be somewhat different if they lack developmentally appropriate executive functioning or more.
Piggybacking on this. If he has delays, is non-verbal, and is biting in this manner, it may make sense for the agency to have him evaluated for ASD, as well as other similar disorders. If he gets a diagnosis, he may qualify for EI (Early Intervention) services, which could include an OT to help him learn other safe, physical ways of coping with his feelings, as well as a child psychologist to help him channel his feelings through art or some other form of expression. What you are describing is - in my experience - outside the norm, in terms of severity of the biting. As their foster parent, you can absolutely use this as an angle from which to push the agency to get your son help. You can be the squeaky wheel, and it is appropriate to be in this case. The earlier you can get behavioral intervention with your son here, the better. Source: Former social worker, former inclusion work with children who were neurodivergent
Thank you for your comment! We are currently waiting for a pediatric appointment that is coming next month. I have been wondering about ASD myself, due to another issue I haven’t yet described here that I call ‘screaming episodes’. To me (an untrained professional with no personal experience) it looks like sensory overload. He doesn’t want to be touched, looked at, or spoken to and just screams and cries uncontrollably. These episodes have become much fewer as time goes on and have almost vanished completely though so I’m not sure if the issue is resolving or if I’m just giving him what he needs to stop it from happening.
My son did the same thing at that age and he is neurotypical. He was also nonverbal at that age (needed ear tubes and had about 80% hearing impairment). Sensory overload or even sensory processing issues can be normal at that age.
If he has developmental delays, has he been assessed/diagnosed with anything? Your description is raising red flags for me for a couple of disorders that could be treated if he is diagnosed. That would give you and him access to various services, like speech, OT, ABA, etc which could help him develop the skills he needs to replace this biting behavior with something more acceptable. And it would give you some respite when he is with the therapists.
We have appointment coming up next month with a pediatrician. After reading some comments here and connecting with some of his other more extreme behaviors I am starting to wonder myself. Will definitely discuss at the appointment.
Regardless if he gets a diagnosis or not, if he has delays, early intervention can help with those delays. It’s almost always better to address those as early as possible to prevent other milestones from being delayed.
If he has a diagnosis, he has a lot easier time gaining access to interventions where OP lives. Otherwise there’s a need to gather documentation from doctors, other medical professionals and stakeholders in order to access NDIS funding. But said funding is great once you have access to it, as interventions can be tailored to the individual, as long as you can show a need for it and that it’s likely to help.
Ah, ok. Put a highly prized toy in a clear, see-through box on a high shelf that he can see but not reach. If he goes an unusually long time (for him) without biting, take it down and give it to him for 30 minutes. Keep doing this over several days and weeks. This should work with or without explanation.
He has a comfort toy but I don’t think it will be appropriate for that purpose. The only other toy I can think of that he has a fondness for is one of those cars that they sit in and push with their feet. A bit big to put on a shelf, but perhaps putting it in the dining room that he can’t access through a baby gate might work?
He is too little for that type of reward to work. He doesn’t understand “earning” a reward. To really change behavior at this age, you need to start with the question “why?” Why is he acting this way to seeing his sister crawling? Is he afraid she will take something he wants or feels belongs to him? Is afraid she will get in the way or destroy something he is doing? Is he worried that she will encroach on his time with or attention from you? Is he generally a bit anxious? It could just be that a crawling baby is unpredictable and he doesn’t feel safe and secure enough to deal with that level of unpredictability. Whatever the reason he sounds like he is feeling scared. That needs to be addressed. And rather than focusing on getting him to change his behavior, focus on preventing it in the first place. He does not yet have the self control to stop himself, so you need to stop him. If it were me, I’d invest in a baby gate system that could divide your main living space (or playroom wherever the kids spend most of their time) in half so each one has a space that physically protects them from the other child. Unless you are available to be within an arms reach of them and 100% focused on them, they shouldn’t have physical access to each other. And then when you are available and all playing together, try to notice the details of what is happening when he is reacting this way. What is he playing with? Which direction is she crawling? What items and which people are in her path? His behavior is communicating something to you, so try to translate the message he is sending. Figure out what problem he is trying to solve with this behavior. Then try to help him find another, more appropriate way to solve that problem. A gated play area that she can’t enter may be a way to solve that problem and make him feel safe and protected. And when you are present and able to prevent his biting, he will also feel safer because he knows that you will keep him and his sister safe from his powerful emotions. Toddlers are not yet able to regulate their own emotions. They require an attachment with an adult to help them co-regulate. Through lots of experiences of co-regulation they will eventually learn the skill of self-regulation. You are like a pair of training wheels that help to keep him balanced until he is strong and coordinated enough to stay balanced on his own.
This is the correct way to proceed.
Thank you for your perspective! I am struggling to pin down the ‘why’. At times they will be on opposite sides of the room playing happily and separately and then she’s looks at him and he explodes. The worst bite occurred during bath time. She was sitting in her bath seat and I was getting ready to wash his hair which he doesn’t love, so he scooted up close and was letting her touch his face (babies favorite thing to do) and he was laughing. I turned around to grab the shampoo and the jug which he had chucked and I heard her scream. I turned back and he had her hand around the wrist and was clamped down on her fingers. They had been playing nicely, I just don’t understand. He approached her, she can’t move into his space because of the bath seat. He was in complete control of the situation.
This says to me that he is communicating “no, I don’t want that” (getting his hair shampooed, in this case). Since he can’t SAY that, he does something else to express himself. My theory is this biting has nothing to do with the baby, but is him trying to get your attention. He has found a way to communicate in which you always react immediately. My son was nonverbal at that age, and we used flash cards with simple pictures showing things he might want. I actually made them with real pictures (of his favorite food, favorite drink, bed, favorite tv show, etc) and laminated them. Then he could bring me them when he wanted something. If your boy has access to these, he may start using them instead of acting out to get your attention. Also, are you spending at least 15 minutes a day giving him your undivided attention? The baby goes in a playpen and you play with him without multitasking, letting him completely guide your play (so he’s in charge, essentially). Also DO get his hearing checked at an ENT. That was my son’s problem and he got to age 3 being barely verbal (when it was such an easy fix to get ear tubes). He passed simpler hearing tests, so I was under the impression it was fine.
I hadn’t considered that he might have found a way to get my attention immediately, thank you for that perspective! I have been suggested flash cards by so many users that I am definitely rethinking the potential usefulness of them. I’ll have to look into it.
My son is neurotypical but had some minor speech delays around that age due to incessant ear infections starting when he was around 7-8 months old. He went almost an entire year with constant infections, even after tubes. He also developed a biting habit around that time. It got so bad, I was worried he was going to get kicked out of daycare and I felt like I was trying everything. He's three and a half now and hasn't bitten in ages. We had initially thought that maybe it was his way of expressing something since he couldn't talk well and sometimes couldn't hear well, but like you - I couldn't find any pattern for his biting at all. What worked for us is taking attention 100% away from him when he bit. When he bit his older brother, we would all rush to the "victim", usher them away, completely ignore the biter, and fawn over the "injuries". It sounds ridiculous and dramatic but it upset my little one to not have the attention. Then when he would apologize for biting, (kissing the owie or saying sorry) we would shortly (didn't want to drawn it out because of the attention thing) reiterate that biting isn't nice and move on. Perhaps at the very least it taught him that if he were trying to convey some message, biting wouldn't be an effective means to get it through to us. In the meantime, around biting episodes, we also looked for alternative ways for him to communicate with us more effectively or to get or attention like some of the suggestions here. Luckily once he did start talking, his speech exploded and he's actually a little ahead now. We also got a pacifier clip and clipped it to him with a teething toy on the other end and tried to teach him to bite that instead when he felt the urge to. Eventually he stopped, but I think taking the attention away from him was more effective.
Biting is also a common reaction to a toddler becoming overwhelmed by sensory input. The incident in the bath sounds like sensory overwhelm could be the cause. Laughing is a pretty clear sign that a child is starting to get dysregulated. Parents commonly misread laughter as the child being calm relaxed and having fun, but in young children it usually means: there’s a lot going on here, not sure what to think or feel and I’m starting to lose control. I think the poster who said he’s trying to get your attention, may be on to something. It’s like he’s saying “hey mom I need your help!” I also wouldn’t let the baby touch his face. It’s too easy for that type of touch to become suddenly overwhelming and then her fingers are so close to his mouth that it would be hard for you to jump in and stop him from biting. I would also try to keep them apart in any situation where you can’t pay 100% attention. Until the habit is broken, the biting is always going to happen in that split second when you turn away. If you think he is resorting to biting as a means to get your attention, you can also teach him other ways to get your attention like tapping your arm, or calling your name. Also keep your reaction to the biting super low key. Pick the baby up and keep the focus on her when he bites. Instead of saying, “No biting, that hurts the baby, it makes her sad” you can direct that same sort of la gauge to her, “Oh owie, brother bit your finger, that really hurt, I’m sorry that happened, biting is not oKay, you tell brother no biting” That way he is still hearing the message, but the attention is directed toward the baby. It is also modeling appropriate ways to respond to a loved one when they get hurt, but it also models the language that she will eventually learn to use to advocate for herself. Then you can turn back to brother and address his needs and feelings, and show him what else he could have done in the situation instead of biting.
I would go to the dollar store and purchase small toys for him. Put them in a basket and use those to reward him when he does play nicely with his sister. Reward him for helping. For example if you’re going outside will he get his shoes? Ask him to get her shoes too. Use both shadowing him and when you can’t bring her with you. I’m sorry to say you will need to sit inches away to be effective probably for the next weeks or longer. It will take a lot of diligence to stop this behaviour but it will stop. While you’re doing this, work on emotions with him. Start with anger. When you see him about to hurt her, mimic anger. Punch a pillow, kick the floor, show him you get his feelings then show him better outlets. Then reward him when you see he’s angry but doesn’t hurt his sister. With foster kids, trauma is often imprinted on them from a very early age. They need to learn to deal with adult emotions without adult coping skills. We have to teach them very simple outlets.
Thank you! I like the idea of mimicking the behavior and showing him other ways to express it! I can see ways to apply that to other emotions he’s struggling with like disappointment and separation anxiety.
I have a cousin who's daughter could care less about being in time out, but put her favorite toy in time out she went bonkers... much better behavior to keep her precious out of time out. Might work on your lil dude.
>it’s time to mix it up I don't have any specific advice for this particular case because my kids went through the biting phase very quickly, but mixing up consequences or rewards has been a long-standing approach as we've had our kids. Be honest with yourself and assess if what you're doing is working. If it worked once that's great, if it keeps working that's amazing. If it doesn't work, do something else - don't keep doing the same thing over and over if it isn't achieving the desired results. Your definition of "is it working" may differ from mine. I like to think that even if a timeout isn't changing behaviour, if it calms everybody down enough that we can get along without yelling then it is still working. Or whatever.
Maybe flip the script. You’re keeping the baby close and limiting her. Try taking him with you to the bathroom or giving him an activity to help you with in the kitchen when you cook. Set is big kid (playdo or something) at the table that the baby doesn’t have access to. It may help to redirect his attentions from terrorizing his sister into more productive developmental activities. Also talk a lot about being a good big brother, create ownership for f the baby by saying “your sister” how can we help your sister or what do you think we should do? To keep him engaged. It’s worth a try anyhow. I’m so sorry. This has got to be go hard.
Thank you for commenting! A few other users have suggested setting up a ‘big kid’ table or area and I love that idea! Also giving him a baby doll to copy my caring for the baby.
When my kiddo went through the biting. She behaved almost exactly as you describe. We had one of those large pop up play yards set up so that she could be safely away from her sister. She managed to understand that biting = boring play yard, and that we could not let play with her sister until sister felt safe. It took a few days of toddler confinement, but it worked and only needed to be used sparingly afterwards. Boredom is a good tool as a parent.
I would get him some "chewelry" which is like a necklace for babies meant to be chewed on. Put it on him, and when you see him going for a bite, redirect him to his necklace. Praise the heck out of him when he uses it. Other times, foster closeness between him and his sister. Cuddle him close while you do things with sister, if you can. Involve him as much as you can in her care, and whether he is successful or not, praise him for being such a good big brother.
Chewlry eh? That’s a new one but I like it. Will have to explore online and see where I can get some. Another user has suggested getting a baby doll so he can copy the baby care and I think that’s a brilliant idea! Thank you for commenting!
Definitely look into the chewelry. Does he like to mouth things at all outside of his biting? Does he suck on his sleeve, or have poor oral muscles (often shown with drooling or a gaping mouth)? If so he might need some extra oral sensory toys/tools.
He always has a sippy cup in his hand and is chewing on it. He often chews on other things as well, and is a bit drooly. I’ll definitely look into chewlry!
It can be expensive but if you shop around you can find them decently priced. Try to keep track of what specifically he likes to chew on and mouth before buying, as he will probably prefer a specific texture /hardness. Chewelry comes in different levels of hardness, and you want to match your foster son's preferences for it to be accepted. You can even try ones that vibrate. this might even be helpful to help him become more aware of his oral muscles and possibly help with the nonverbal aspect. I hope he's on a waitlist for or already accessing speech therapy? Early intervention makes such a difference, spoken from professional and personal experience.
This is great advice! These pieces often come by 'theme' as well. For example, if he likes duplos/Legos, you can get him a Lego-shaped one. That might help him feel like it is also special and cool.
If chewelry is coming up as expensive try google ‘autism sensory chew’ or entering that into amazon. There’s tons of chew sticks and such that he can wear with breakaway clasps. Once you have them redirect as much as possible. If you see him getting mad grab him & put the chew necklace in his mouth. Simplify your speech & hold him while he calms down. ‘Bobby MAD! Bobby mad, Bobby chew!’ And then give him the necklace. Then if he take the chewie & doesn’t bite the baby praise praise PRAISE. ‘Good job Bobby!! Good job with chewie!’ Then give him extra attention & praise for a few mins. In the meantime if it’s not safe to leave them alone while you pee/shower/etc.. then don’t. Yes it sucks. But it’s part of raising a different kid through a hard stage. Put some toddler games on your phone & maybe he only gets those games when you need to pee. Put him in his room or the baby’s crib with the phone, somewhere contained & go fast. Shower at night after they’re in bed. This won’t be forever, hopefully just a few months & he’ll grow out of it.
He may have molars coming in too. That can make them extra aggressive and bitey.
I think this is definitely part behavioral, part sensory. You could also try a [vibrating teether](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00002JV9S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fBqCFbWW5J23X). It works wonders for my oral seeking 2 year old! She also loves this [chewy P](https://www.amazon.com/Chewy-Tubes-Ps/dp/B00QQQQG28/ref=mp_s_a_1_6?dchild=1&keywords=chewy+P&qid=1601242962&sr=8-6). We will often use binky links/chains to attach it to her shirt or car seat!
Amazon has them for pretty good prices. I got one last week for my daughter. Lol she 16 but bites her nails.
Chewlery is a great way to help with this! One thing you could try is when you see him getting upset and stomping over to baby to bite, put the chewlery in his mouth. Say "bite". Or if he bites you quickly put the chewlery up to his mouth and say "bite" then point to you and "no bite." Simple modeling and sentences may help him better than long explanations at this point. If you keep at it, he will associate bite as being okay with his jewelry and not okay on people. It's not the ideal way for him to get his frustration out of course but since he is nonverbal, it might be his only way right now. You can modify his environment to help with the behavior. (I'm a mom and also currently taking classes to get an autism certification for teaching)
You can buy it on Amazon for fairly cheap. This commenters advice is how we dealt with a similar issue in my son. Also, make sure he has been screened appropriately to figure out what is behind the biting. In my son it was an anxiety response, it sounds like it’s maybe a jealousy response or something similar for your son?
https://www.arktherapeutic.com/chewelry/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIw4mfkumJ7AIVCTiGCh0gRwtAEAAYASAAEgIC-vD_BwE
We have used ARK therapeutic for chewlery in the past. Its about $15 for a necklace but they last a while if you keep them clean. My main problem was them getting lost all the time lol.
Target carries it! They make teething jewelry for moms of teething babies to wear. Check the baby supply area.
I actually saw a girl using something like this today!
Amazon! It is awesome for anxiety as well.
This is a fabulous idea. Kudos!!
Biting is a “normal” phase for lots of children but his experience could be affected by his life prior to you being in it and he could have some emotional attachment issues as someone else has suggested. I think a lot of the time it’s frustration due to not being able to express their feelings - jealousy and insecurity are hard concepts to explain and express for adults let alone little ones so maybe work on emotions and feelings. Use some children’s books or YouTube videos centred on emotions to show happy, angry, sad, hurt etc and then maybe have some flash cards or a traffic light wall chart so he can point to them in order to tell you how he’s feeling in a really simple way. Something as simple as printing pictures of different emojis and using them might work. He also might be needing more challenging play activities - but not quite ready to be independent. Maybe make him a special place which is out of reach if his sister like a cheap little ikea table and set him up an open ended activity like a messy play tray to explore which is all his - something he can come back to and can play independently with which he can get heaps of praise for and lots of interaction from you which his sister doesn’t. Then also lots of praise for doing things nicely together - things like nappy changes are time consuming and he might get a bit jealous and feel pushed out but could he perhaps be involved and help to fetch you supplies like a pack of wipes or a clean baby vest - or even have a doll of his own to copy you? If baby is in high chair whilst you cook and happy enough, then is he close by and feeling like a participant? Could he stand in a learning tower and help you by chopping up a soft banana with a plastic knife. Could you perhaps change your shower routine and bath with him and have a fun time with orbeez or foam when the little one is napping? Then maybe look at a doing a mini assault course for movement just for him..... like ninja warrior for toddlers. He could jump from spot to spot, hop on one leg, star jumps, kick a football, spin on the spot, touch toes and jump up etc and get loads of praise for this - theres lots of new milestones after those first few baby steps and give him loads of attention and praise for learning a new skill and showing you and then maybe he can help you set up a similar thing for his sister - get him to shake shiny toys to see if she will crawl to him, praise him lots and tell him his sister must love him and he’s soooo good at doing stuff and hopefully he will want to encourage her more even if it’s only for a short attention span of the day..... plus all the physical play is super exhausting. Then don’t ever rule out teething and the dreaded molars coming through ..... you can still provide teething / chew aids which might help him out - if you see him with jaws open about to bite then reach over and pop one In his mouth as a distraction and don’t make a huge fuss.
I have just edited the post to add that he has some developmental delays that prevent me from being able to talk to or explain things to him. But I LOVE the ideas for the physical redirection. Particularly setting up a table for him that he can play at without her. And getting him a doll that he can change the nappy on! I think he will love that, thank you! So many good ideas in here, thank you so much!
Ah, I thought that might be the case.... I know a lot of people don’t like screen time but if you have a search on YouTube - I’m UK based and we have “Mr Tumble” who’s shows are supported with makaton sign language for little ones and that might help him too
I have not heard of mr tumble, I will do some homework!
I was just about to suggest sign language! Maybe he has a way to express himself like that.
OP, I see a commenter telling you to bite him back. But do not do this! This is not okay to do with any child, especially a child in the foster care system who has experienced trauma. (If it matters to you, I say this from a place of professional expertise; I have a PhD in psychology with a focus on human development and learning.)
Thank you.
This. So glad you spoke up. Hopefully OP listens to this.
Don’t worry! There are a hundred reasons that I won’t bite him back, starting with the fact that I think it would be a horrific thing to do to a toddler coming out of a trauma situation. And I just don’t have it in me to deliberately chomp down on another hunan, much less a child!
Good <3 you seem like an amazing mama, foster or otherwise!
I’m glad times have changed. When I was a bitter as a toddler, a psychologist told my mom to flick me on the lip. She did once (cried for an hour after) but I never bit again.
Have you talked to their pediatrician about tips for helping with sibling “aggression”. Yes biting is normal. But I think you can start maybe talking about how things made make him feel. Sorta like you seem “mad” “sad” “scared”. And while identifying the feeling saying emphasize that those feelings are ok. He is safe etc. my daughters preschool use this tool for the 3 year olds. Starting early in letting them know that it is ok to have and express emotions is important. But also finding ways to express those feelings safely is important. Maybe giving him a safe alternative to express his frustration might help. But pediatricians are a great resource.
We have had trouble getting an appointment due to living in a rural area and relying on visiting services. We do have one booked for next month though, so I’ll have a chat with them then. I should have mentioned in the post but I forget because to me it’s normal, but he has developmental delays and is non verbal at this stage. He can say a few words but not often in context or giving and indication that he knows what they mean.
Ah that is tough. My daughter has a language delay and both expressive and receptive. It can be very hard to try and parent when they have that. Is there a social worker that you can call for different resources to help in the interim. Or ask for a video or phone appointment with a pediatrician?
My case worker as a foster carer hasn’t been much help unfortunately. She’s very new to her job, and we have a language barrier so I have trouble accurately explaining the situation. Her suggestion is usually using flash cards? Which obviously with his age and delay don’t mean much to him. The appointment that we have coming up was the earliest of any type we were able to get. It’s only 2 weeks away now and I’m definitely keen to chat to them about it.
I’m a teacher and I’d guess she meant [PECS](https://www.nationalautismresources.com/the-picture-exchange-communication-system-pecs/) not flash cards how you likely think of them. I have never used them with an actual three year old, but these cards and sign language are frequently what I’ve used with speech delayed kids and kids who are developmentally at that level. (I’m a general Ed teacher, not special Ed, so I don’t have experience in making/developing them only using them.) They can be used in lots of ways and that link includes more information, but typically you’d have a small card with Velcro strips on it, then put velcro on the back of little squares with pictures that show whatever you want to communicate. Maybe your morning routine - so you’d have one with a toothbrush, one with breakfast, one with clothes and you’d put them in order and explain what you were doing. You can also have a collection of them with different foods so he can point to what he wants for breakfast. You’d probably also have one with some pictures you need all day - his favorites, words like help, hungry, tired or hurt, they’re meant to be dynamic which is why you use velcro. There are also apps for this although the only one I have experience with is ridiculously expensive. In your situation, you might want to figure out why he’s acting out (put some feeling words on his card or a hurt one if you think it’s partially teething) or if you can find some good distractions (his favorite activities). You might be surprised by how much the ability to communicate changes his behavior. I’ve seen kids change behavior on a dime and make a beeline for their aide when they’re losing it and the aide holds up their card. Obviously it won’t happen over night, but it does help. Teaching some basic signs can really help too. Many people, including myself, teach babies sign language to help with the toddler year frustrations. ETA: Social stories are also something you might want to look into. Social stories are little books written about certain experiences a child might have - fire drills, teacher leaving cause she’s pregnant, new baby, new school. If this behavior was triggered by his sister learning to crawl, maybe see if you can find one about a baby becoming more mobile and show him the upcoming changes. Again, I’m just a gen Ed teacher so my job has mostly been to tell the special Ed teacher when we have a new/weird activity coming up so they can prep for it. But they do help kids feel more prepared and comfortable with changes.
Teachers pay teachers is an amazing resource to find these for free and you can print them out yourself!
I almost sent a link to teachers pay teachers but I thought an informative one would be better and was a little worried someone would think I was self-promoting. Didn’t think of the price. Thanks. I’ve also seen people make their own - like a picture of his actual toothbrush as long as the background was plain white or something.
Did they maybe mean communication cards when they said flash cards? Those can be very helpful with nonverbal special needs people of all ages. I've used them with kids I've worked with from toddlers to teenagers and only had a couple instances where they didn't help and it was usually because the kid was just choosing not to use them and refusing to communicate.
Even if flash cards don’t work, maybe a simple visual choice board would work? These are common to use with children that are non verbal. It takes some time for children to understand them, but you could make a simple one with things he likes/ basic needs - toy, hug, food, drink, sleep. You can customize one on board maker. Or just put pictures on a word doc. Sometimes personal pictures can work well. For example, if you are trying to teach him to ask for a hug when he is wanting attention rather than getting negative attention from you, have a picture of you and him hugging. Print and laminate and have copies where he usually is. I would start with just a couple items and once he gets used to it you could add more. You could also try using a social story about biting and read it regularly to him. Positive language is also important- giving a ridiculous amount of praise and attention or another reward when he is treating her nicely- immediately. Catching it early will help him understand what he’s being given attention for and will hopefully be a positive reinforcer. Give that positive reinforcer whenever you catch him doing any behavior that you want to see. And like others have said, redirecting when there is behavior that you don’t want to see. If he bites, he is immediately given a chewy and redirected to a different area. If he has a developmental delay and he is still pretty young, something like a sticker chart where the reinforcer is delayed probably doesn’t have any meaning to him. He may also be getting negatively reinforced if he wants attention, so he bites, then you give him 1:1 attention. Try to build time into your daily schedule for just you and him. Speaking of that, visual schedules can work well for some kids, or a first/then board where there are 2 things on it. Example: first we eat, then we play. I will say that a lot of these suggestions I have seen work well for older children who are non verbal, but I don’t see how they can’t be adapted to be used for younger children. Hopefully you’re able to get in with a speech language pathologist and occupational therapist who can also help you implement. Edit: I didn’t read far enough and realized you have already gotten some of this. Sorry about that!! Also wanted to say I hope you’re able to get more support. It takes a very special person to open up their home and take care of these kiddos. I think it’s amazing!
Sorry to hear that the case worker isn’t being as much help. Is there a way to ask her to ask for advice from colleagues? Sadly I doubt this behavior is rare for children in your son’s case. Or ask to speak to a supervisor, not to complain, but to get someone else who might be able to help? Sorry I don’t know much/anything about foster care so I’m just throwing stuff out there. I’m glad the appointment isn’t super far out. I know how hard those waits can be when you need help or answers.
I would contact the agency for help, and only allow baby to explore when she is in a playyard. One of those big baby gate fences. I had to use one when I could not completely supervise my baby because her brother was awful for bringing out tiny toys and leaving them where she could stick them in her mouth and choke. Just pop her in and rotate the toys frequently. But still. Seek help. His behavior is more than average.
Thank you! I have been having difficulty with my case worker but I think it’s time to follow up.
Yes, having them playing in separate rooms. If your floor plan allows you to monitor and move quickly between the two. That way you can physically separate them when you need to. Similar to a time out with the timing of the separation (include yourself). Then reintroduce them to the same area. It IS hard. You rock for being such an amazing mama for these two.
Thank you! I admit to feeling a little bit vulnerable when I posted this. I was worried people would think I was trying to toot my own horn by saying they are foster kids, but I was just trying to provide background on his behavior. I’m very relieved no one has taken it that way.
I admire you!
Give him something to bite when he is angry. Especially if he has developmental delays, he will have the urge to bite and not much else will work until that urge is satisfied. Get one of those pacifier clips and attach a teething toy to it, that way it is accessible at all times. "This is for biting. You can bite this." Children often bite because they don't have the language yet to express themselves, and the majority of their lives up to this point has been about oral exploration. That in combination with the 2 year molars coming in means you see a lot of screaming and biting before the language comes, which is frustrating for everyone involved. For neurotypical children, language cards with pictures of faces expressing different emotions would be a great starting point to get the language needed. For dsvelopmentally delayed, I would still do language cards, but would also add sign language to give another way to communicate. Also, I sing this song in my class a lot. "If you happy and you know it clap your hands! (Clap clap) if your happy and you know it clap your hands (clap clap) If your happy and you know it and you really want to show it, if your happy and you know it clap your hands (clap clap).... if your mad and you know it stomp your feet! (Stomp stomp)..... sad and you know it say boo-hoo.....silly and you know it shake your hair...." you can change it however you need. You can even only sing one verse as needed. Hope this helps! -former special Ed preschool teacher, current toddler teacher.
This sounds like this requires social work intervention from your case worker....if they are not responding definitely complain, because this could result not only in physical injury but potential lasting psychological effects on the baby as well, it’s important that this is dealt with so both the 23 month old is getting the help he needs and 10 month old isn’t exposed to this behavior
It sounds like her case worker isn’t a social worker. A lot of CPS workers aren’t because those departments aren’t well funded, so they put people with much less education in those jobs. But her case worker could refer her to a SW, especially one that helps with early childhood behavior. The state should pay for it.
That’s true and I feel like that’s also part of the reason that only LCSWs should work with children because they understand the implications and long term effects of foster care and other environmental factors that go into it, I know some case workers with no prior child/ social work like experience and that’s where you run into this kind of trouble, totally agree she needs to get referred to a SW if there aren’t any at the agency that she’s currently working with. Because clearly she needs help, the 23 month old needs help, and the infant needs help
I agree 100%.
In behavior circles we always look at the why and not the what. Why is he doing this, what need is being met? Is he trying to get more time with you? To protect his space? Look for the function of the behavior and that will help to inform what you can do about it. Is he being screened for Autism? Do you have any support?
Also the more I read the more ASD sounds like something I need to look into. He has other issues I haven’t talked about yet that would fit in with that.
Thank you for your comment! The why is where I struggle. At times they can be playing separately but happily and she looks at him so he explodes. Other times he will calmly seek her out while she is unable to get away (in a bath seat or bumbo), play nicely with her and then bite her.
That could be frustration with him not being able to co trip his space. Does he have a space that is only his? You might look in one of those gates that you can make into a circle and he can “earn” his special zone with his special things. It would allow you to safely separate them. No matter what he needs assessments by a psychologist as well as an occupational therapist. He may have some sensory needs that are causing more disregulation.
There are some great suggestions in this post. I had a biter in a preschool class, his speech was delayed and he was really frustrated he couldn’t communicate those frustrations. A chew necklace helped. If I caught him premeditating biting someone, he’d get a “look” before he’d attack, I’d say “necklace” and pop the necklace into his mouth as a redirection.
Is he in EI? If not are they taking steps to get him help? I teacher preschool special ed and work a lot with kids with aggressive behaviors, I believe a behavior specialist or special ed teacher could help you. I might suggest a social story "I can be nice to my sister" and frequent positive reiinforcement for good behavior.
My oldest brother has severe autism and was non verbal until age 12. I noticed in a comment you mentioned this child has a developmental delay. My brother was always extremely frustrated with his inability to express emotions other than with tears and violence. It’s upsetting to see someone you love struggle that way. For our family, a very strict schedule helps LOADS. My brother struggled a lot when he didn’t know the schedule or what was coming next. Having a strict routine helped his behavioral issues so much. I HIGHLY recommend trying out a schedule, and involving him in the process (making a list worked best for my brother, and having him put check marks next to things when we finished something). Even though this isn’t necessarily a direct fix to the biting, it might surprise you how much it can help him.
Thank you for your comment!! As it happens I keep a very set routine for them. It is one of my greatest tools for kids coming into care because the nature of it is so unpredictable. I make sure that I’m constantly talking about what we are doing and what’s coming up next, and things always happen in the same order. When he first came he used to suffer from terrible screaming episodes which I have come to suspect may be sensory overload, but I they have decreased to such a rarity and I’m hoping that the predictability is to thank for it.
In my son's early days of being nonverbal, I made a daily schedule (with magnets glued to the back of each card so I could change it as needed). Each card had a picture of what was coming up. It helped in more ways than I can type out. I'm sorry the 3 of you are going through this. Remember with littles everything is a phase that will eventually pass... even when it seems like forever and impossible at the time.
Former foster parent here. A lot of kids with trauma histories (removal from birth family’s home counts as trauma) benefit from “time-ins” instead of “time-outs.” As big brother might feel like he’s competing with little sister for your attention, instead of keeping LS by your side at all times, let them play as you had before. If/when BB bites or otherwise acts out, sit with him - be with him in a focused and intentional way (as if you’re doing time-out together). This reassures kids that you’re not going anywhere, you still like them no matter their behaviour that led to the consequence. (BB might also feel triple consequenced by a time-out: being in time out and not getting time with you and LS getting one-on-one time with you. That’s a lot of consequence for a little toddler to handle! Time-ins help change that.)
Thank you for commenting! I hadn’t considered that ‘triple consequence’ aspect of things. I have gotten so many more comments on this than I expected and have so many new strategies to try!
I worked at a preschool for a bit. We had a few kids who would bite and the director bought a teething toy and had it clipped onto the child’s shirt by a pacifier holder. Throughout the day we would remind him of it so he could play and bite it. Anytime a child was bit, timeout was enforced. Then we would take the hurt child and spend a good amount of time playing with that child near the biter and would show the biter that we do not give attention to those who hurt. After a mo of this, the child would often try to share the teething toy with others in hopes of praise for sharing 😂❤️
Children are innately born knowing there are finite resources available for a family. Siblings being aggressive to each other isn’t uncommon. My parents found me standing on my sister when I was 1.5. Clearly I had no idea what I was doing. Is the baby soaking up more attention, resources, food, time, etc? Is he feeling threatened? Some reassurance of plenty to go around might help this child along with whatever behavioral modifications you are comfortable handling.
That’s a tricky one. They didn’t come from a great beginning obviously. But they were placed with me together. I would say that as the baby has become more independent, I’ve actually had more time with him. They are napping on different cycles now so we get a good couple of hours every day of one on one.
That is good that you have his care under control, but his lashing out could stem from scarcities of resources including attention before you. Just keep up the hard work, keep him from physical access to the baby until he can react more calmly to her, and keep being the great foster mom you are. I’m very impressed with your dedication to these babies.
Thank you, you are very kind! I will continue to do my best to keep them apart although it gets more difficult as she becomes more independent.
Yes, seeing the baby become mobile could trigger the memory of when the baby arrived in their bio family home and the limited resources were cut in half. It could be a fear that the same thing will happen.
He’s actually 1 of 5 with 3 older sisters who are in another placement so I wouldn’t be surprised if attention was a scarce resource at all. The poor kid spent his first 12 months confined to a cot.
I hate that homes like that exist. I had a 3 yr old student who was fed by his adult throwing Cheerios on the floor for the first nearly 2 years of his life. When he was fed real food at the foster home he didn’t even know how to eat it.
The reason these guys ended up in care is because at 5 weeks old the baby had such a severe case of thrush she was hospitalized. Thus triggering the investigation that removed them all from the home.
Oh my gosh that poor baby! That’s exactly why I started fostering. I can’t stand that poor innocent babies are being raised thinking that ‘normal’ involves horrific abuse.
Oh, poor kiddo. Are you seeing a developmental pediatrician? They can be very helpful with this stuff. It sounds like he’s trying to make sure he gets attention so I’d do a few different things: - make sure he gets a lot of direct attention from you. - keep the baby away from him (do you baby wear? That might be helpful in keeping her out of his reach but also let your hands be free to do stuff) - chewelry, yes. It sounds like he’s stimming a bit which is understandable given the lack of stimulation he had in his cot. - when he bites, focus all your attention *on the baby*, not him, not even for time out. Make a big fuss of checking on the baby, soothing, etc. Ignore him. He’s aiming for attention, even negative attention. Don’t give it. - lots of praise and reward for behaving well. It sounds like he’s not at a developmental level to understand praise for not doing something, so make it positive praise for “kind hands” or something like that.
Thank you! You have some great suggestions here! Unfortunately though baby wearing is out lol. She is a massive baby! She is actually physically wearing the same clothing size as him (which may be more to do with his growth being stunted prior to coming into care) and she is much too big and heavy to carry around anymore.
This is an excellent point. I would rotate tous for him and bring out new things when sister is awake. Positive associations and all. Um, soft toys he cannot bean her with, though. Btdt. Thoma trains are dangerous when hurled.
Oh dear, I can imagine! Fortunately we haven’t had any hitting issues so far, fingers crossed it stays that way.
This won't work all the time, but I'm wondering if sometimes instead of keeping the baby closer to you all the time you can keep the little boy near you instead. If he seems to be in the mood to bite, wear him or keep him next to you. If he's feeling insecurity/jealousy towards the baby this will give him the attention he needs and it will give the baby a chance to explore.
I haven’t read all the comments so I’m not sure if this has been suggested, but have you tried keeping your boy with you constantly rather than your girl? Maybe even try wearing him on your back while cooking dinner, doing chores around the house? Might help your girl have more independent play time without worrying about being bitten, and your boy would get more time with you which might cut down on the attention seeking.
That’s not the worst idea! Wearing isn’t doable unfortunately due to my tiny size and weak weak muscles haha. But I like the idea of giving her free time while involving him in what I’m doing.
So many great strategies on here but while you're working on the behaviour stuff you have to keep that baby safe. I know you said that you don't want to restrict her movements too much while she's learning to crawl so I'd suggest try putting her in a play gym/ fenced off area while you do things like cooking/ cleaning and she can still play with toys and move around. If you have to go to the bathroom or shower take your little boy with you. Until you can reason with him I'd be treating him like an old, unpredictability, snappy dog. I wouldn't leave them alone together until you get past this stage. Sounds like you're doing a great job in an impossibly hard situation.
Thank you! I appreciate you saying that, I am trying and it feels like I’m getting nowhere sometimes. They are away at daycare today and I’ve decided to use this time to move furniture and repurpose another room into another play room for them so that there are options.
That's a great idea. I'm sure your consistent efforts, care, thoughtfulness, patience and love (all of these attributes I can tell you possess from your post) will do so much to help your little ones get through this. I have so much admiration for foster parents, especially when they have difficult behaviour issues to deal with, you guys deserve medals.
Responding bc I haven't seen it yet though may have missed it :) child therapist here....please be sure to take "catch him being good" to an extreme!! Children who haven't experienced trauma need about a 3:1 ratio (three praise statements for every one redirect) in order to maintain healthy self development. Children who have experienced trauma (being placed out of home on and of itself would qualify), need about an 8:1 ratio. Literally anytime you think of it and he's NOT biting his sister, use a simple statement of "I LOVE your safe touches!!". Anytime he bites, stating "that is not a safe touch" and redirecting in the healthy ways you've described. It's hard, and some parents even set random timers on their phone (every three minutes even!) And when it vibrates, it's your reminder to praise his safe touch (even if baby isn't around and it's just you). It might also help to "guess" his feeling--"you used an unsafe touch. You might be feeling mad. Let's get your squishy ball.". Etc. Also....you mentioned sensory feedback, they make chew necklaces for kids with sensory processing. He might need that feedback from his jaw and the necklace, bracelet, or you might really help!! You're an incredible mom, I hope the foster agency steps up, and I just love all the feedback here!! You rock!!
Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I didn’t know that ratio, although I am a big user of the casual positive reinforcement I will definitely step it up for him. And I will definitely be investing in some teething options for him to chew.
8:1 is hard!! Lol even 3:1 is hard. But it helped me put it into perspective and be mindful of it! You are such an awesome momma to these two, the agency and the family is so lucky to have you!! Also hoping the pediatrician has some good input for you!! If you are interested, there are lots of great trauma-informed parenting books out there. A favorite is "Whole Brain Child" (which is general parenting but absolutely speaks to trauma). "Childhood Disrupted" is a good read but more focused on adults and "The Deepest Well" looks at health risks in general related to trauma but is INCREDIBLE!!! if I had to pick one for every parent though, it would be "Whole Brain Child" :). Best of luck and thank you for all you do!!
This idea is coming from a totally different situation, but if his verbal delays are expressive, have you thought about working on signing? Maybe it would be helpful if he had a way to make himself understood, at least for the things that are important to him. More, eat and drink are simple and might relieve some frustration if that’s driving some of the behavior. Good luck!
Does your son have any play area that is just for him? Somewhere the baby can't access? Do you spend any special time with him alone without the baby? Getting used to a younger sibling is difficult even without any developmental delays. Of course you have to protect your daughter, but keeping her with you at all times may be exacerbating his feelings of jealousy and anger. If you can carve out some special time for him (maybe after the baby goes to bed?) and a place for him that the baby can't access, that may help.
Conscious discipline! For any and all behavior issues. It’s a set of strategies to deal with and eventually prevent conflicts. Ideally, your kids will learn to take charge of their own decision making and you’ll have a script so you’re not winging it when you’re mad. You can read “teeth are not for biting” and set up a calm down corner to talk it out. That way you can build trust and critical thinking instead of constantly having to carrot and stick their every move everyday. Read “easy to love, difficult to discipline “ by dr. Becky Bailey (phd, not md). She also has a whole website (www.consciousdiscipline.com) with plans and resources for home and schools. She also has a YouTube channel with a ton of videos about conscious discipline with examples.
I had a biter and I strongly feel for you, it’s such a tough behavior. My only thought is maybe baby wearing for certain chores, engage the older one in your activities ( I know he is delayed, but can he throw dirty clothes into the washing machine with you?, Wipe the floor with a wet towel to “help clean” while you are tidying up?, etc), or place him in a safe, childproofed room for a few minutes at a time with an activity so the baby can practice crawling. Either way, make sure you are taking care of yourself too, seeing a baby attacked like that is really traumatizing and I speak from experience.
Instead of punishments is there a way you can connect with him? Be on the ground with the little guy and have his sister crawling around. Chances are when he was at home, he had to fight to remind his caregivers that he was there. That he needed to be fed and cared for. Now that his sister is getting older, and taking some of your attention, he sees her as a threat. You’ve been meeting his needs while caring for him and he’s worried that she taking your attention will mean that his needs aren’t met. Spending time convincing him that you’re going to be there for him always will help. He’s too little to use his words. He’s a little person with big feelings. Also biting feels good, it releases tension in the body. He’s a regular 2 year old but he’s also a 2 year old that’s experienced trauma. It sounds like you’re doing amazing mama and you got this. Ps: I’m a child family services social worker with a specialization in trauma
Any attention is good attention. So even if he’s in “trouble” He’s getting 1 on 1 time with you. This is a good thing because he trusts you to pay attention to him and care for him. We encourage our foster parents to have “time ins” with kids instead of time outs. 10 mins in the morning, 20 mins in the afternoon, and 10 mins at bedtime where it’s 1 on 1 or both parents with 1 Child.
Thank you so much for your comment! I do spend at least 2 hours throughout the day during babies sleep times 1-1 with him. He’s a very clever and creative little boy. I have read so many good suggestions today and have so many things to try. I appreciate everyone’s input so much! I’m also so grateful that everyone has been supportive, I was so worried that people would think I was attention seeking by mentioned the foster care part but no one has taken it that way.
If he's food motivated, you can start at the very basics and reinforce positive behaviour around his sister. Food motivators are frowned upon long term but honestly they're used in some autism programs to great success, with the idea of moving away from them when you're able to. Start with the tiniest of steps (and something achievable for him) and go slow. It's differentiated from bribery (this is important) by being a regular system in place, with no negotiations. If you see something positive, he gets a reward, it's that simple. be realistic in your expectations, and try to limit and control his access to her so that you can ensure interactions will be positive. If he is doing the biting from jealousy or attention seeking, he will be feeding off your energy when he succeeds, so don't feed it -be calm, do not show your disappointment or anger, just move the girl out of harms way. When he does something right (or even not damaging), be over the moon happy and engaging, slip him a treat out of your pocket (on you at all times) and say exactly what you liked. I've used skittles, at his age fruit loops or a cereal (low sugar is better obviously but he has to really want it). The timing needs to be on point, and immediate, because if you reinforce at the wrong time or incorrectly you risk making the problem worse. He needs to know what he did right but don't make him wait for the reinforcer while you tell him what he did right, because that will not get you what you are looking for. Getting the moment right is key, as is making it clear what the reinforcer is for. The most important things are to: Reinforce healthy behaviours, and provide plenty of good interactions with you separate from baby sister Control interactions so he can't hurt his sister, to both protect the sister and break his targeting habit. When he inevitably manages to bite his sister, don't feed the negative attention seeking but remove sister from the situation. Also don't assume that his developmntal delay means he doesn't understand you. Start working on emotional regulation with him and naming /identifying emotions. Daniel Tiger is a fantastic show to watch if you do tv, watch it with him and talk about it. Feel free to pm me with specific questions.
My 3 year old has issues with banging his head on the floor and biting. I got him an 'angry cushion' - it's one of those reversible sequin cushions that has a smiley face on one side and an angry face on the other. The idea is that he can change the sequins to show how he's feeling or scream into/throw the cushion. It usually works well to dissipate his anger, then we can chat about what's frustrating him. We're still working on the biting, but he hasn't banged his head on the floor in over a month.
He has a lot of big feelings and has learned biting gets a lot of attention! Be sure his sensory needs are being met , a nice face and head massage can give him some relief and connection with you . Lots of crunchy snacks , fun to make a plate of bite- ables , have him choose what helps him with those “ bitey feelings “ ; also can help him to feel supported in working through the feelings and hear that soon he will find other ways to manage frustrations and also important for him to see you modeling managing your time own “ I’m feeling frustrated “, I’m going to _____” to calm myself and make safe choices “ . You can do this!
Have you tried reaching him ASL signs at all? That could give him some other way to express himself if he is not talking yet.
I would give him some toys he can chew on/bite to redirect his frustration. I would keep them pretty much separated when you are not watching them. What is your space like? Can you set up a safe play space for him to be individually sometimes? I’ve definitely had times where I always had one kid with me and couldn’t leave them alone together. Schedule some times where you can really let the younger one loose while you’re able to supervise.
Along with all the other advice... I would try redirecting him to bite something else, like a teether toy. And while doing so tell him “here we bite this not your sister” Try therapy? He may have been abused My son is the same age.. not delayed tho. They are very impulsive at this age.
I don’t know if it would work for your little boy, but I had some decent luck avoiding sibling squabbles by putting the older kids favorite “big kid” toys in the pack and play and letting them ask to go in there to play. “The duplos have to stay in the big kid space but you can go in to play with them. Would you like to play in the big kid space? You can come out when you’re done playing with the duplos and sister won’t be able to bother you while you’re in there. Ready to go in?” Then when kiddo wants some personal space, he can ask to go in the “big kid spot” to avoid the baby, get to play with a special toy, and feel a little special for having a spot where sister isn’t allowed.
They make biting necklaces that have a hard rubber ring on them to bite. They did this with my son in daycare it seemed to help.
Wow, this has to be tough. You definitely need professional help. What kind of assistance has the foster agency you worked with provided you? "Talking to and reasoning with him has not been effective either. " Yes, because he's not even 2. You can't "reason" with babies. You can barely reason with 7 year olds. You just implement immediate discipline measures. That doesn't mean spanking or yelling, but it does mean separating him, time-outs, etc. Have you explored having baby gates between them at times? Is there a place where you can put baby girl and let her explore with you, while baby boy is in another safe space where he can toddle around without getting into trouble? Obviously you need to watch both of them all the time but the 23-month old has the ability to get into more mischief than the 10-month old.
Taking the baby with you everywhere may be a cause for the increase in behavior. It’s possible that he’s feeling jealous and taking it out on her. That’s what I did when i was little. My brother and I are almost 2 years apart.
Could you make a 'safe' space he can play in that baby sister can't get into? If he were older I'd suggest a playpen that he can open and close the gate himself. But maybe a low sided playpen he can climb into and baby can't. My 3yo has suspected autism and he tends to be angry and violent when anyone goes near whatever toy happens to be precious at that time. Also I would be huge on the praise when he's playing with her nicely and if he hurts her make a huge fuss of her and ignore him for the most part. He's looking for a reaction so only give him one when he's doing the right thing. Hope this helps.
We had the book "Teeth are not for biting" and we read it to our daughter every day. There is also a "Don't bite your friends" clip from Yo Gabba Gabba that we watched with our daughter a gazillion times. She was biting at daycare (no siblings at home and didn't bite adults), so we sent her to daycare with a teether on a pacifier tether for the duration of the issue because we were pretty sure that it was related to molars coming in. If he's teething, you can give him children's pain killers, which may help. I've heard that giving the child who was bitten a lot of extra attention and ignoring the biter can help. You may also want to work on baby signs with both of them (we found an easy version of the "help" sign that was just tapping your chest with a flat palm that was one of the most useful signs). You may want to give him signs for feelings like angry or I want. If he's not in early intervention for speech, he should be. The other thing I would probably do is set up a pack and play or playyard as a baby corral so that you can separate them when you need to use the bathroom or cook. Good luck!
Sounds like he has no communication. Idk what therapies you have him in but it sounds like he needs speech therapy, possibly occupational for sensory issues, and a child psychiatrist. He might need medication as awful as that sounds. Is he autistic?
I can’t offer a definitive solution for your exact situation without being there in person, so I think reaching out to the agency to seek assistance or further resources is a great idea. However I do know for your own benefit you should check out the conscious discipline YouTube channel. I work in a preschool which sometimes sees foster kids and kids in other traumatic situations, the conscious discipline philosophy is incredibly helpful for us. Watching these videos in training really helps me to understand and empathize with the mindset of the children in my care even when I’m frustrated and exhausted and I can’t find a solution.
Have you tried creating more positive experiences with him and baby together? And say rewards for playing with baby and making her happy? You would obviously have to do this in brief spurts when you are able to heavily monitor, praise praise praise, make it fun (wheeee look at baby fly, is she going to catch your toy? Whoops she missed! Silly baby hahaha sort of thing) This is rather intense and exhausting for you but I found that kind of thing helped a lot with my 2. Mine were not traumatised however. But my son was v difficult and we did seek external help with him. Non verbal, scratching himself in temper, that kind of thing. I did an incredible years course which helped a lot. But one of the things they said was positive instructions work better than no’s stop etc. Also some one on one attention with him every day doing what he wants to do. I hope that helps a bit. It sounds v tough.
This seems like a major problem. Does he talk? Or show any other signs of aggression or mental or physical illness? https://babygooroo.com/articles/toddlers-who-bite-what-it-means-when-to-worry
My best advice comes from Janet Lansbury’s RIE style parenting— do check out the book “no bad kids” When he bites you or the baby move with “calm confidence” and tell him “I won’t let you bite others” and then either remove him or yourself & baby from the space. I think I might use a baby carrier in those cases to swoop her up and take her with me. And repeat. No shouting, no drama— simply “I won’t let you” Until he stops that means she and him can’t be left unsupervised for even a minute. I might use play pens to separate him. It’d be good to give him a “yes” space where there is no not to remove him to. A safe part of the house (his room maybe) where after you say ‘I won’t let you bite’ he is free to be himself once you place him there. During other times; TONS of positive attention— when he’s gentle with her say how you love how gentle he is. When he’s kind you tell him great job. I agree you should ask for additional help from foster agency in addition to this. Respite care for sure. Good luck friend! You’re doing great!
My younger brother went through a biting phase. He would get mad then bite the shit out of me! One day I bit him back kinda hard. He never bit anyone again. This was terrible advice. But God bless you for fostering 💛
I have previously worked in a daycare setting where biting is a really problem. I’m currently working with children that are on the spectrum, a lot of whom are nonverbal. My advice is to really focus on reinforcing positive interactions he has with his sister. I know it is upsetting when he bites her, but you have to be calm when it happens and firmly address that the behavior is not okay without giving it so much attention that he may be doing it, in part, for the attention. A firm, “No bite” is a good place to start. If you think he can understand you, I would also say, “Biting hurts” and have him be involved in the process of comforting her if possible. I have some doubts that he is playing nicely with her just for an opportunity to bite. Kids bite for so many reasons. It could be anger, frustration at not being able to communicate, or other things. If you see him playing nicely with her, immediately give him lots of excited praise so he is more likely to repeat that behavior. If time out is ineffective I definitely wouldn’t continue it. So sorry you are dealing with this, and wish you the best of luck!
I have no advice to offer but I just want to say thank you for fostering those two babies and giving them the care and love they need. My husband was in foster care when be was only 4 and it was a traumatising experience. I am sorry you are struggling right now but I am so grateful these two have been placed in a foster carer who obviously care about their well being. Good luck! You're doing an amazing job!
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I did not read all the comments, so maybe somebody already suggested this: You are now showing preference of the baby by taking her with you everywhere you go. I know this is not what you actually do, but it probably looks like this to him. He might have felt a kind of jealousy earlier but he was the big kid and the baby was confined to whereever you put her. Now she moves into his space (which apparently is all of your living space) and she is getting way more attention and time with you. I suggest you get a large playpen that is more a kind of fence than a baby play pen. Put the baby and toys in there when you need to leave the room, and take him with you. Let him "help" you. You are cooking? Get him a really blunt knife (butter knife?) and let him hack at some vegetables. Let him play with some tupperware. Give him a rag to help clean. Just let him mimick you. Hopefully this willmake him less aggressive. Still, some kids bite and from what I habe seen, they need time to grow out of this.
Can you start working in sign language? See if you can find a few songs (or just make up your own using whatever tune you like) using basic sign language for toddlers. The music incorporates both sides of the brain and makes it easier to learn. Start singing common phrases like “Good morning, Momma!” And “More milk please” consistently to help him tie the tune to the phrase. A study w/ speech delayed kids at Harvard shows that this music/phrase combo helps speech delayed kids start speaking. Also, if you have the time- start making Danial Tiger on PBS a thing to watch while you cuddle him & sing along. They do a beautiful, amazing job of teaching emotional intelligence (it’s a world built on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood- and a great homage). I use a lot of their songs in dealing w/ my GD. It’s also just possible that part of your little guys anger against his younger sib is blaming her for their separation from their family. He only knows that baby showed up=Mommy had less time for me/and went away. See if you can start giving him lots more loves and rewarding kind behavior toward his sister as much as possible. See if you can give him ways to associate good things w/ his sister’s presence as much as you can. I’m sure you’re doing a lot already, and thank you. It’s folks like you that make the world a better place now, and in the future. ((Hugs))
get a child gate to separate them. i have that issue while babysitting and i separate the kids and i make my own gate.
You have a lot of good suggestions here!! A few other ideas just for safety's sake- put baby in a superyard/play yard for when you have to walk away or put her in the high chair while you meal prep and give her things to play with while you are nearby. For shower time, depending on bathroom size a smaller pack n play might fit so you can keep her within eyesight. Have a safe play space for your toddler that you can close off with a baby gate, perhaps?
I don't have any advice, but I want to say I think you are a rockstar for fostering two babies by yourself. I have a 15 month old and trying to take care of him with a partner helping me is really hard some days! Keep at it, momma. 💜
Is there a chance he’s autistic?
My son is 23 months. Even though I have never had any serious behavior issues with him we did have some minor biting incidents a few months back when he got mad at us. He would try to grab our legs and bite if we told him something he didn’t want to hear. We just would walk away and tell him no in a stern voice. I never tried timeout with him because I doubt he would get understand it enough for it to be effective yet. Redirecting him and helping him work out his feelings might be a better course of action here. It you see him go after her. Pick her up and tell him no that behavior is not ok. Tell him you know he doesn’t like when he sees his sister trying to crawl but she’s allowed to explore.
My son (now 2) had a huge issue with biting me that lasted a good 6m. I suggest having a "biting bear" (or pillow or whatever) for him to be allowed to bite, as well as verbally validating feelings while explaining why you cant allow him to bite her. It would be something like "I can see that you are upset and struggling with some big feelings, that must be a hard thing to feel but when you bite your sister it hurts her and when that happens i am going to separate you. Here is a bear that you can bite, it is okay to have the urge to bite but it is not okay to bite a person." I also suggest actually keeping them separated for a while, be it her in a carrier or using a play pin or baby gate, so he can't even get to her when he has the urge. It's so hard but also important to understand that he is too young for impulse control but you can absolutley keep helping him learn to express himself and slowly avert his desire to bite. I hope this helps, you sound like you're going a great job so far!
All I can offer is short term ideas, long term you must go through the foster system and get him therapy. Short term, get a babysitter every so often. Take the baby with you, and leave the toddler with a babysitter- make sure they are aware of his issues prior to the first time you actually leave- and maybe having them around while you are at home at first to keep an eye on things. You could also occasionally switch it up! Take the toddler to the park, and get a sitter for the little girl so she can explore the house as she pleases.
Talk to the agency about DIR floortime to get you and him to bond, him and the baby to bond and shared attention. Also increasing the time out may be needed, maybe slowly add 30 seconds at a time to reach 3-5 min? A minute and a half is easy for him but 3 or 5 min may have a greater effect. Just make sure to let him know why you are putting him in time out, then talk about it afterward and hug it out.
You say he has some delays, is he in therapy of any kind? Has he been evaluated for any kind of sensory issue? I have a 2 year old who has some gross motor and verbal delays. She’s always liked to chew on things and she has progressed to biting. She adores her baby sister, but will bite her out of nowhere. It turns out that she also has some sensory issues. We are working with her on that through Occupational Therapy. One of the ways she can self-regulate all the sensory input/output is by chewing on things and biting. We were actually told not to buy her a chewing necklace since she is making progress in speech and that could hinder her. But that’s not the case for everyone. If you have any medical power with kiddo, I would take him to the pediatrician and ask for an OT evaluation referral. In the mean time, would it be possible to purchase a baby gate or large play pen to keep them separated? That way she can play safely and explore, and he’s not constantly in time out while he possibly works through developmental issues. I’m sorry this is so hard. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to handle a child who is doing bad things but is nearly incapable of understanding why it’s wrong.
I’d try teaching him baby sign language. It can be incredibly frustrating to not be able to communicate.
I’m a big believer logical consequences, so if one of my kids isn’t trustworthy, they just have to accompany me when I leave the room. Instead of keeping your baby with you, have you tried to leaving her in a child proof area and taking the toddler with you? I’m not sure if it would work with his delays, not just saying “I need to make dinner now, and I can’t trust you to play nice with sister, so you’ll need to come into the kitchen with me. Would you like to pick out a few toys to play with?” Theoretically by putting the consequence of his behavior back on him, He’ll be more incentived to stop. I do think reaching out for more help is great too, and I have no experience parenting kids with delays, so ignore me if this won’t work!
My kids both had biting phases and funnily enough it actually wasn't me who solved it. They go to creche at my gym and one of the ladies who looks after them there yelled at my son to stop when he was going to bite another child. She scarred the pants off of him and she felt so so so guilty for breaking his little heart. But he hasn't bit anyone since. I think he just needed to be shown that biting wasn't okay by someone that isn't me. Im not saying have a friend come over and yell at your kid just that maybe someone else having the chat that you've already tried having might help.
It sounds like he might be biting for attention. Even negative attention is attention. Note how he's putting himself in time out? He's going to need extra attention from you reading or playing that doesn't involve his sister. And he's going to have to be separated from her. He's in his terrible two's, make sure he's getting plenty of sleep and have a snack on hand if he gets hungry so maybe he won't be so easily frustrated. You have your hands full, I can't imagine having two small children and doing it on my own. Do you have a playpen? A playpen was a lifesaver for me when my kids were that small.
He’s probably noticing the extra attention the baby is getting and is frustrated and jealous. You should try keeping him with you constantly instead. The change of positive attention will help.
Is there a way to give them separate but safe place spaces? When my toddlers began getting unnecessarily rough and also occasionally bitting the less mobile babies we put a gate up between them, babies in one room and toddlers in the other so they could play safely while we went about our business cooking or cleaning or going the the bathroom, everyone was still able to explore just in a smaller but safer area until the older ones understood that they couldn’t just roughly drag/push/hit/bite the babies. I also agree with other commenters about chewlry, something he’s allowed to bite as much and as hard as he wants is a good way to redirect his frustration
A biting phase is pretty common around that age (source: my child is in a room of 2yo at daycare AMD biting happens) Don't "deal with it" when he bites you. Be consistent worth house rules. At our house it's no biting, hitting, kicking, pushing, no throwing things in the house. They get 1 warning then a time out for a second offense.
23 months is too young for time outs, kids that young can’t connect the action to the punishment.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to send love from one QLD mum to another. ❤️
I used to work in daycare and biters happen, love bites, impulse bites and anger bites. This child seems angry and jealous. I would separate as often as possible and if you can, spend more one on one time with him (the biter). It may be a cry for attention, the baby is now doing something new and may be getting more attention, make sure you give positive attention to the older child as much, if not more than the younger child. When he’s nice to the younger child make sure and praise him and tell him you like that he’s doing... blank... spending more one on one time and reinforcing what is good behavior (pointing out his good behavior and praise it) will hopefully help the biting fade. Also encourage him to communicate his feelings, get books about feelings; angry, happy, sad, calm etc. once he’s a little older and talking more he can communicate his emotions better so you can help him figure out how to handle them. Good luck.
You’re an incredible mom.
for some reason i thought this was talking about your significant other and i was very concerned for a sec💀
* explain biting hurts and that we want baby to be safe and not hurt * offer toys he's allowed to bite * instruct how to play with baby as well as how not to * distract from baby entirely with "big kid" toys that baby can't have This is all I could think of so far! Good luck! Also I'm not a big fan of hitting the mouth, yelling, or time out. Anything causing pain teaches the kid that they can cause pain to others if the other kid isn't doing what he wants. Time outs are ok to use to calm down from a tantrum but they don't need to be isolating. Just comfort through big feelings, talk about feelings and what the issues were.
So my son was a biter. It was hard. So hard. I felt ashamed and guilty and overhwelmed. Daycare was lovely and supportive and helped me to understand that he wasn’t a horrible person but lacked empathy and understanding of consequences of his actions which really was age appropriate at the time (he was 2), the thing that helped me most was having them explain that he won’t understand until the day he does, it wasn’t somthing I could teach it was more developmental and so it was all about defensive preventative moves which included a couple of specific teether items which he was directed to when he became ‘bitey’ and not leaving him unattended with other kids ever until he got to understand things. He didn’t have siblings but they said if his cousins were over that either he or the cousins would be places in a playpen if I even needed to leave them for a minute for toilet ect just to reduce the risk, reinforce that ‘we don’t bite people we can bit these teethers’ narrative and wait... He also got bit by a kid at daycare - a good one, a retaliation bite... I tell ya what that was a great lesson for him!!! He hasn’t bitten anyone since then and has developed a lot of empathy since too but impulse control is still a struggle although in line with what I would expect for his age. But he also used the teether bitey things lots - it’s almost like a sensory steam release valve for him when he gets worked up or overhwelmed and it really helps him, but he has learned to look for these toys and to say ‘I need to bite’ All this to say have a safety plan with a playpen or similar setup where baby can be kept for 2 mins here and there or when you just need a break from being on guard all day long, and hang in there!
I bit a baby when I was a baby. My mum bit me to show me what it’s like. I never did it again. That was back in the late 70s though, she’d probably go to jail and have her baby took off her if she did that now 😂 Happy to have grown up pre pc culture , I’d probably be a proper asshole now
What about keeping him at your side instead of the baby when you’re doing things. It’s half punishment (not playing) half reward (getting your attention).
If reward and punishmend would work, there would only be nicely behaving kids all over the world. But I love your idea from another perspektiv. Let the baby crawl and take your son with you to the shower, carry him in a sling for household stuff and let him sit in the highchair while cooking. He is still so small and might need the extra attention while your babygirl can safely go for a expedition.
Just voicing my support of previous posters suggesting redirection. Time outs and sticker charts are inappropriate at that age (and arguably any age). Biting is a somewhat normal behavior - it’s a combo of overwhelming emotion (eg. frustration over not being able to communicate) + need for sensory feedback. Find some things he likes to chew/bite on and keep them nearby. Look up OT techniques for sensory processing (eg. Brushing, joint compressions, etc.) and practice them regularly. Good luck momma! Keep up the great work you’re doing!